regularfeatures

392: Blue Tick Bingo 5G Zoom Scam

Hello there our beautiful and illustrious supporters. Here's a big one for ya.

Log runs us through his Zoom meeting bingo card, Steve is torn to shreds by the irradiating power of 5G masts, and Gav concludes the saga of his encounter with a blue tick scammer.

This one gets *messy* towards the end, and for that we apologise, but all this social distancing malarkey makes us thirsty for friendship and vodka. Take us as we are, and never try to change us.

Stay lovely.

391: Verified Tiger King

Hey patrons! It's us, your dear old podcast, with another piece of our mind to give you. Thank you for all your support these last few weeks, it's been genuinely very lovely and it's made me go wet in the eyes. Shush.

No need to pack your tiger for this one, because this episode's got loads of them just lying around for free. Tigers in the rafters. Tigers in the floorboards. Tigers in the void between the walls. An entire tiger compressed into a bread bin who smiles at you when you open...

Little treat for you

Before recording episode 390, Log had an issue with his mic that made him sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies when he tricks his bored wife into doing a spy mission. Here is what that sounded like.

390: Animal Crossing Tips & Tricks

Hey Patreon people, thank you for your support during "all of this", it really does mean a tremendous amount.

It's us again, dem boys with dem fancy teeth who keep comin round to fill up your brain with our special noises. In this episode, Log has tips and tricks for pivoting to pizza delivery, Steve has tips and tricks for when it is appropriate to be in the outside, and Joe has tips and tricks for the new video game about the horrible animals.

Stay safe and wet those hands.

389: Moustache Rationing

Due to a bad smell going around we're all locked indoors, so this week we bring you the first ever episode of Regular Features recorded using telephones and HTTP. If anyone ever called a bellend a "ham bell", then at this point I would write "we put the ham bell back into Alexander Graham Bell," but nobody calls it that so I won't.

Gav has all the latest rationing hysteria from Facebook, Joe's top lip has gotten all hirsute and nice, and Steve delivers his top tips fer werkin ferm herm....

388: Dane As It Ever Was

Hey patreons! In this episode, Log answers a decade old question about human Great Dane hybrid babies, Steve slips further into high-energy pandemic anxiety and Matt has an exclusive interview with the new health secretary.

THANKS.

387: The Lambshank Reduction

Well if it isn't little old patron patootie. You've got a lot of nerve showing your face around here after what you did last week, buster. But since you're here we might as well snuggle into your earholes, on account of how warm it in inside your head.

In this episode, Gav puts the doof back into Dufresne, Steve gives proper hand washing instructions, and Joe attends heroically.

386: Hendry's Sewer Folktales

"Doctor! Doctor! They're finally waking up!"

"Who is, nurse Hurdy-Gurda?"

"The readers!"

"Jesus Christ, I can't believe it! After all these years?"

"It would seem so. What should we tell them?"

"Get out of my way, nurse. Readers, you've been asleep for... well, a very long time. We've got flying horses these days, and phones are obsolete because we've all got antennae. Thankfully, one thing remains static: Regular Features, and this week Log, Steve and Joe are al...

385: Tales From Every Altitude

When Log goes low, into a cave, Steve goes high - into space. 

Joe, never one to be outdone, reports from his hotel bed in San Francisco.  

That's right, Brethren Of The Coin - we couldn't get together this week, so it's time for another game of pass-the-parcel, all glued together by the sexiest voice in showbiz.

I'm watching Love, Death and Robots in another window. There're more bubss and foof than I expected, but it's definitely coming up a...

384: Sonic Storm

Steve has gone to see the Sonic movie, and Log has noticed that it was a bit blowy recently. What more do you want? Oh, you want a song and dance do you? You want bells and whistles? You want me on all fours, with a bell around my neck and a whistle jammed into my ass. What I'm getting from this entire conversation is that you want my flatulence to agitate a pea. Well it's not going to happen 

383: The Sauce Whisperer

Hey hey hey Patreons. I've got a tummy full of lentils and I'm ready to burn down a house. But before that, here's another episode of Regular Features.

In this one, Log tries to clap eyes on a houseworth of elusive alpha boys, Steve tackles the insidious influence of Big Pharma, and Matt tests out Log's uncanny ability to commune with condiments. Wow!

382: A Mars a Day Keeps the Beer Virus Away

Hello you beautiful Patrons! 

Here is a podcast which without your generous support would never exist. 

This week Steve, Joe, Matt and Gav go on an adventure to space to meet a long lost Uncle and then crash back down to earth to deal with a naughty virus.

We love you all xxx

381: #smellthewell

IT’S TIME ONCE AGAIN TO BECOME ONE WITH THE INEFFABLE COSMIC CLOUD THAT IS SOME FEATURES. SNIFF THE DIRTY SPACE DUST THAT CAME OUT OF THE PUSSY PALS. MARVEL AT THE NEBULAN LIGHTS COMING FROM A CONSTELLATION OF A WELL YOU ARE COMPELLED TO SMELL. BUY A TOUCAN LAMP. IT’S ALL GOOD BABY JUST BE COOL WITH IT.

Deathpool's Prank Oscars

Hello Patreon buds! I had a real hard time deciding whether to call this Deadpool's Prank Oscars, but Gav uses the word Deathpool, and I respect Gav. More than he'll even know. I'm splitting with respect like a wet sack. One more ounce of respect and the sheer pressure will squirt my guts out of my belly button in a highly directed blast of respectful viscera. 

The lads in London did a three man pod this week - Gav, Joe, and Steve. I can verify that it is both funny and lovely, and...

379: Big Boy Uri's Burrito Frito

Hey patreons, here's a whole new episode, funded entirely by YOU x

Sound the horns, see the signs, taste the mud, smell a hedge, touch a friend, because this burr-rand new episode of the Regular Features podcast is a sensory overload. 

Log discovers a kindred soul with a love of big boys to match his own, Joe has unearthed Uri Geller's application to join the government, and Steve has invited an old food critic friend around to explain the latest culinary craze.

378: 10 Years of Little Women and China Boys

Welcome to the new Millennium, patrons. Here is a podcast that is exactly the same as it always was and always will be. We're not changing and if you ask us to we'll scream and we'll scream and we'll scream and then tell you to fuck off. HNY!! xx 

377: Festive Wanderings

Hi Patrons! How's it going?! We're in between Christmas and New Year's, in that curious period of time that lately has come to be known as St. Goochmas Week. 

Gav is walking Coco and talking loco, Steve is planes, trains and automobilesing himself entirely inside a National Express coach, and Joe reintroduces us to a very special Secret Santana. Happy Christmas, you.

376: Karnspiracy Theories

Howdy patronisers. Hope you've got some paper towels ready, because it's time for another Regular Features, the wettest and heaviest podcast in town. This week, Joe and Gav investigate the wild world of minor celebrities openly debasing themselves for small amounts of money. And that is frankly all that's worth mentioning about this episode. 

375: 2019 Election Special

Hello you beatiful Patrons,

Hopefully if you're able to vote in the UK then you've already done so and you can now kick back, relax and enjoy our 2019 Election Special. 

We love you <3 

374: Ebeneezer Great

Hey patreons, just wanted to say we love you. That's all. Thanks! Oh and this.

It's shocking. It's frightening. But you can't look away. You cannot take your eyes off it. It is episode 374 of the Regular Features podcast.

Joe has discovered the only thing in this world that can bring unity to the British public, Log dips into his bottomless well of altruism, and Steve lets you in on the secrets to buying the perfect Christmas tree.

Let's go, madame, you've heard enough.

373: Rush Hour Sun Taint

Hello loyal Patrons,

You are all the best. Thanks for making sure this podcast still exists and for making us feel like the luckiest damned boyos in the world. 

Enjoy! xoxo

372: King of Brussels Sprouts

Look Patreons, it's just Steve and Log this week, so you're going to have to endure about twenty minutes of low-energy discussion on the topic of sandwiches cut with some top-notch King whimsy. Everybody else will be back soon, please be patient with us during these trying times.

371: The Two Biggest Popes

It's a guilt bonanza as Joe, Log and Steve collectively decide to write almost entirely about religion for reasons that will probably become terrifyingly clear to them on their deathbed (they're all going to die together in the same bed).

Read E.H. Macmillan's incredible Bird comic here: https://twitter.com/m4pala/status/1192299673479835648

370: Shaggerbombing at the Wedding

This week we've got features galore - you've got yer Log, you've got yer Steve and even a Gav. What more do you want from us?!

That's the text we give all the other readers but YOU amazing Patrons get a loads of kisses too xxxxxxxxx

368: Who Put Poo In Spoon

Hello readers,

If you're just joining us we're in the process of uploading a couple of this month's episodes that somehow, for reasons known only to the person who didn't do it, weren't posted to the Patreon as usual.

You've been very brave and understanding so far, thank you. This is episode 368, from last week, and once it's safely uploaded you may go about your business again and we can pretend this whole thing never happened.

There, all done. Let us know if there's anyth...

367: Shitting Roomba and the Techno Douche

Hey Patreon Pals!

How's it going?! We're great actually, but we got a big PROBLEM.

We were way too excited about Halloween and forgot to upload episodes 367 and 368 to the Patreon page, so we're going to slip them up you retrospectively right now if you don't mind. Just look the other way, close your eyes, and this will all be over before you know it.

Here's the first one. See, you can barely even notice it going up.

Love,

Regular Features

369: Spooky Times at the El Rimmel

This week we bring THREE spooky stories from Steve, Joe and Gav. 

Don't have nightmares. And if you do, it's not our fault. It's Matt's.

Thank you so much for your support, we love making weird episodes like these we wouldn't be able to make them without you. 

You are all THE best xxx

366: Anus Brunch Revisited

This week Joe goes DEEPER into a certain festival photo and Steve enjoys a bit of brunch. Gav is also in attendance and is a very important part of the podcast and NOT just because he's writing this. 

We can't thank you enough for all your continued support. You lovely bastards <3 

365: Kate Bush Wasp Squash

Hello hello hello, our patreon friendos! Please don't look at the album art, it went wrong!

In this episode, Steve invites us into his favourite bush, Joe continues the interactive Orphean squash journey of Clive Nationality, and all of Log's wasp knowledge comes out in one foul and educational outburst.

You love to see it.

364: Hungry Hungry Taxi Gravy

What's up, patreons!

Woah there Nelly Furtado, would you just look at the length of this absolute unit of an episode. Either we had way too much fun recording it, or whoever was in charge of editing this one waved through a lot of garbage that should have been cut. We'll never tell!

Log wonders what happens when the Hungry Hungry Hippos do brunch. Joe reviews Chichester's local taxi company. And Steve (as well as not being up to date on the latest developments surrounding queer re...