Hi there ☀️
Coming up next in this mini series on taking small steps toward big changes, let's talk about the Where and Who of it all.
Do we know who all might be impacted by these changes? What ripple effect might it have on other partners, friends, family or wider community? How might we coordinate getting their feedback, addressing their needs or troubleshooting any fallout?
As well, what are the limits and advantages of our location? How might big changes play ...
2023-08-20 12:00:44 +0000 UTC
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Good morning! ☀️
Today, I'm continuing my series on taking small steps toward big changes. This week, I explore the logistical but also sometimes emotional When of it all. What is the timeline for making a change? What is a comfortable pace, and why? And can everyone equally agree on this, or do some people have more say than others?
Chapters:
- 0.00 Intro
- 01.51 Scheduling, accounting for different routines
- 04.02 Internal and external...
2023-08-13 10:00:05 +0000 UTC
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Good morning! ☀️
Today, I'm continuing my series on taking small steps toward big changes. This week, I offer some prompts and considerations for the Why of it all. What are our motives? What are all the internal and external pressure points?
I use the same five examples from Part One as a through-line, to explore a range of possible motives.
Chapters:
Hello and happy Sunday, I hope you're having a lovely day. ☀️
I'm starting a series on taking small steps toward big changes. It's an often requested topic that always felt daunting to try to cover in one or two videos. So I'm spacing it out, giving it more breathing room, in hopes that it can be a bit more digestible and useful that way.
Part one is about naming the goal. What does change literally look like? I use five hypothetical examples as a through-line...
2023-07-30 13:22:47 +0000 UTC
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Good morning and happy Sunday, I hope you're having a beautiful day and a beautiful weekend.
Today, by request, let’s explore potential ripple effects of breakups. Since we usually have mutual connections with our ex, how does the split impact those other dynamics?
Are we scared of anyone getting stuck in the middle, taking sides or even dropping us? How do we navigate these relationships, while still adding distance with our ex?
I’ll offer a list of questions th...
2023-07-23 11:54:35 +0000 UTC
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Here's the video and transcript from yesterday's Live Chat! The next one will be some time mid/late autumn, I hope to see you there again.
Chapters:
- 00.00 Intro / Differences between boundaries and demands
- 10.38 Format for check ins?
- 13.30 On double standards and proving fears wrong
- 22.40 Optics of dating one person in polyam
- 27.45 What if a therapist pathologizes polyam?
- 31.50 Are non-mono people often neurodiver...
2023-07-17 13:32:03 +0000 UTC
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I hope you're having a nice weekend (and if not, I do hope you have a person or people around to lean on).
Recently, a penpal suggested he could interview me from a patron's point of view, so I said, "sure, why not!" During the chat, we discuss things like coming out, making friends in adulthood, and how hyper-individualism can worsen our fears of abandonment. I also share about how it feels to do this work, how I find sustainability and stress relief. Maybe you'll like hanging out with...
2023-07-09 13:07:21 +0000 UTC
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Good morning!
I hope you're having a beautiful day and a lovely weekend. This past week, I made a ~60 second public video on compassion fatigue, and a lot of people said they relate. So, I made a longer video to explore the topic a bit deeper.
While I've experienced it numerous times in my life, I also can only imagine the way it hits people whose lives are filled with emotional burnout (intensive care nurses or doctors come to mind, or anyone on the frontlines of war, etc). So I'...
2023-07-02 10:59:00 +0000 UTC
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Hi! I hope you're having a lovely Sunday and a great weekend.
A lot of people ask for more podcast recommendations, but the space is surprisingly limited when it comes to non-monogamy. You might enjoy this three-season podcast by Poly Pages though, which dives into The Polyamory Breakup Book (Labriola) and The Ethical Slut (Easton & Hardy).&n...
2023-06-25 10:29:59 +0000 UTC
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Good morning!
Today's video is patron-requested, which always makes me happy. I want to create resources that apply to your current situations, to the best of my ability.
Let's dig in a bit about how we talk to our closest relationships. More specifically, what if they have a really different way of expressing themselves or dealing with conflict than we do? Is there a way to meet in the middle and still get where we want to go?
I'll offer some reflective questions that might...
2023-06-18 10:00:06 +0000 UTC
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Good morning!
I hope that your weekend is going great. And if it’s not, I hope you’re still able to find a few bright spots of relaxation wherever you can.
Let’s talk about green flags today. This could be with newer people, when you're just getting to know them, or maybe your relationship with a long term partner is evolving. Can we seek out the traits we want, not just play defense for the ones we don’t? Can we look for, and celebrate, the good news?
One person’s...
2023-06-11 10:09:33 +0000 UTC
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Hello and happy Sunday, I hope you're having a beautiful day and a beautiful weekend. ☀️
Some weeks back, after the case study I posted on learning to say no, there were a few requests that I share some lower stakes examples, especially in romantic or sexual relationships. So today, I'll explore more nuance around self advocacy and making sure our needs don't take a back seat.
If this isn't an issue for you, maybe someone you love struggles with it. So I hope it could also be ...
2023-06-04 13:05:22 +0000 UTC
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Good morning!
I hope you're having a lovely weekend. Today, I'm answering a question that I get kind of a lot: “when does it get easier? I'm having a hard time, when do I stop struggling so much?” It's a broad question, but I will do my best to offer some feedback with examples. Hopefully it can be helpful, if you or someone you care about is grappling with some version of that question right now.
As always, I'm not a therapeutic professional and can only share about this from...
2023-05-28 10:00:02 +0000 UTC
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Here's the video and transcript from yesterday's Live Chat! The next one will be some time mid/late summer, I hope to see you there again.
Chapters:
00.00 Intro
00.52 How to mindfully separate from a distrustful partner?
04.08 Coping with dates who don't want heavy talks
06.13 We tried restructuring, but do I just need to end it?
09.05 What if we think community members are unethical?
16.03 How do I say I want to be a priority, but not pressure them...
2023-05-22 12:42:29 +0000 UTC
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Hi and happy international Mother's Day (if that's a thing you celebrate, or are)!
Being child-free myself, most of the polyam parenting resources I share will come from other people. (I can especially recommend @remodeledlove, if you're seeking day-to-day practical feedback.)
But what about children's entertainment? Where can kids with polyam parents see stories like theirs?
2023-05-14 09:55:44 +0000 UTC
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Good morning, and I hope you're having a lovely weekend!
So, lots of people ask me to make sex education videos but I'm unfortunately not a sex educator. However, I can definitely speak to the volatile range of emotions and stressors that come up when navigating that sort of intimacy.
Today, I'll offer 5 questions about sex that I wish I asked sooner, with some personal anecdotes to illustrate what I mean. In the video, I also reference 2023-05-07 10:01:00 +0000 UTC
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Good morning!
Lots of folks have asked me to share more about detachment, codependency, and finding solid boundaries with people you love. And absolutely, I've got you.
Today, I'll share a case study of one significant relationship in my life, and how I've learned to say "no," without being ice cold or apologizing for the bound. Maybe my story will be helpful for you.
As always, please don't share these details off of Patreon. I paywall my personal stories for my own...
2023-04-30 08:27:31 +0000 UTC
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Good morning!
I hope you’re having a lovely weekend. Today’s resource will be a questionnaire, which I hope may be of service.
I’m often asked how to set boundaries in long distance relationships. That’s a big topic. Since there are so many variables, and it’s really context-dependent, I dont think it’s possible to make one-size-fits-all recommendations. Instead, I built out a few questions with the help of my own LDRs and close friends. I’ll offer these conversation...
2023-04-23 01:54:12 +0000 UTC
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Good morning!
Today, we'll continue exploring scarcity, specifically with renewable resources like energy or sexual desire. What is and isn't within our control? What plays into our fears, and how do we talk about it?
I'll share how I approach these tensions, what I ask of myself and my partners, including anecdotes from my life. Please only take what resonates, and I welcome your feedback on any angles that I missed.
Chapters:
- 00.00 Intro
<...
2023-04-16 10:00:03 +0000 UTC
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Good morning and happy Easter, if you celebrate!
Today's chat will be about scarcity, specifically with finite resources like time or money. What do we do when there's not enough to go around? How do we know when asymmetry is hierarchy in disguise?
This is not a comprehensive "how to" video.
I'll share how I approach this tension, what I consider with my partners, including anecdotes from my life. My experience is limited so there will be aspects that don't ...
2023-04-09 10:00:02 +0000 UTC
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Good morning!
If you'll be attending my workshop later today with @polyphiliablog, I look forward to seeing you there! And if you can't make it but are still interested, the recording will be on chillpolyamory.com/shop in the days afterward.
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A brand new podcast got my attention (and I'm talking brand new. Host Chichi Agorom just started a month ago, and already has 5 epis...
2023-04-02 09:00:00 +0000 UTC
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Here's the video and transcript from yesterday's Live Chat! The next one will be some time in May, I hope to see you there again.
Chapters:
- 00.00 What if your partner wants to see you less?
- 03.08 Deescalating a long-term relationship
- 06.19 How do we challenge the romantic / platonic binary?
- 09.08 Newcomers learning how to find and express needs
- 13.07 What if a partner won't talk about feelings?
- 16.32 Are a lot of ...
2023-03-27 16:15:19 +0000 UTC
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Good morning!
I hope you’re having a lovely weekend. Today’s resource is text only, as I think it’s a better format for this kind of exercise.
A common question I get is, “how do we know when it’s time to move on from a relationship?” Especially in non-monogamy, it can be easy to think we have to find a way to keep people in our lives. But, while restructuring can feel really great, sometimes there’s just a lack of desire to do it. Even if no one did...
2023-03-12 12:14:58 +0000 UTC
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Good morning!
I've been hearing some stress lately in solo polyamorous people who feel frustrated by the (perceived) binary of independence vs. interdependence.
Sometimes total autonomy in housing or finance or child rearing isn’t possible. If people can’t afford rent without roommates, sometimes close friends or partners are the only option. Divorced exes may be single, but still co-parenting. With interdependent circumstances outside someone’s control, does that make them ...
2023-03-05 09:04:37 +0000 UTC
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Hope you're having a lovely Sunday!
Quite a few monogamous folks have asked me to touch on mono / polyam dynamics, where a monogamous person is in a romantic or interdependent relationship with a polyamorous person. So, let's talk about it!
While it isn't something I participate in anymore, I've chatted with quite a few mono / polyam folks in my community this month. They offered insights on what they consider, what questions they ask themselves, and other things they look out for...
2023-02-26 13:17:29 +0000 UTC
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So, my microphone was turned off. 🙈 We're using the onboard camera mic today. I cleaned it up best I could, but I'll have the transcript enclosed here too, in case you'd rather read it.
Anyway hi! Do you have any "casual" romantic or sexual relationships? If yes, do things ever feel uncertain or unclear? Do they say one thing, but do another? I've got a few thoughts on that. I'll share how I vet people who say they "don't want anything serious", and advocate for my n...
2023-02-19 14:58:25 +0000 UTC
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Good morning!
Today, I'll share a curated set of non-monogamous voices on Medium called Polyamory Today. It amounts to essentially a magazine, via the Medium platform.
These are all anecdotes or opinion pieces, and I don't agree with everyone. And that's ok. A heads up in advance that most of the free articles are geared toward beginners, in case that doesn't describe...
2023-02-12 11:25:07 +0000 UTC
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Here's the video and transcript from yesterday's Live Chat! The next one will be around the end of March, I hope to see you there again.
Chapters:
- 00.00 Intro
- 00.48 How to handle sleepovers when everyone is nested?
- 04.23 Coping with deescalation when a meta is why we broke up?
- 09.55 Insecurities when a partner wants kids with them, but not you?
- 15.07 Getting close with a person who struggles to share feelings?
- 19....
2023-02-06 13:33:42 +0000 UTC
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Hi cutie!
Quick note that my next Patron LIVE Chat will be Sunday, February 5 at 11AM PDT / 2PM EST / 8PM Berlin. If you can't come, please DM me your questions ahead of time. I will send out the meeting link that same morning. I hope to see you there!
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So, today's resource is an audio one, because I straight up just wrote a 9 page script and needed to read it directly. I don't have a teleprompter to make that look natural on video.
2023-01-29 14:47:24 +0000 UTC
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Good morning!
Today, I'll explore in-depth what an effective apology can look like, based on my own experience and dating examples. (Content Warning from 12:19 - 16:02, I refer to some trauma related to sexual assault. I stay vague but understand if you'd rather skip that topic altogether.)
Beyond how we atone with words and actions, I discuss what "forgiveness" even looks like. Does it mean we erase what happened? Does it mean we can nev...
2023-01-22 13:14:01 +0000 UTC
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