Conflict prevention is an evergreen topic in polyamory (or dating of any kind), especially when navigating more complex relationship dynamics. What is our business? What is important to omit or disclose?
Today, I explore the role of Hinge partners (a person who dates 2 or more people) in Metamour conflict. If we're the Hinge, and our partners don't like each other, how can we avoid getting in the middle, feigning impartiality, or fanning the flames to make it worse? If this struggle res...
2023-01-22 13:05:54 +0000 UTC
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Hi! Hope your new year is off to a lovely start.
Today, I'll dive into an aspect of restructuring relationships that often gets requested: how to cope with rejection. Sometimes, the feelings or desires in a relationship are not mutual. Here are some things I consider when this happens for me. Hopefully, it can be helpful for you.
Chapters:
00.00 Intro
03.15 Rejection doesn't define you
04.28 Initial aftermath
06.08 The impulse to change their mind
2023-01-08 14:54:25 +0000 UTC
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Happy new year!
As we enter 2023, I’d like to offer some relationship check in questions that may be of service to you. I designed this with solo reflection in mind, but of course you can ask these with your partner(s), if you want. As well, most of these questions can be adapted for polycule dynamics.
These are generalized to suit as many potential situations as possible, and can have more than one answer that means more than one thing.
2023-01-01 11:59:01 +0000 UTC
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Merry Christmas if you celebrate! 🎄
We're starting YEAR FIVE of this Patreon, I absolutely can't believe it. So, I want to hear from you! What kind of resource topics will benefit you in the new year?
I made this poll multi-choice, so you can select as many options as you want. I just want to get a sense of which conversations are a priority for you!
Feel free to DM me other suggestions or drop them in the comments. Thanks so much for you...
2022-12-25 10:00:00 +0000 UTC
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Good morning cutie,
If you're not yet familiar with Laura Boyle @readyforpolyamory, she often shares thoughtful words on Twitter, IG and TT. She also published last year, Ready for Polyamory: A Pragmatic Guide to Consensual Non-Monogamy (which I've not yet read, but I imagine has its ...
2022-12-18 11:00:02 +0000 UTC
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Hi!
Thanks for your patience on my upload of the final video, as one person requested I remove their question from it first.
Here is an abridged version of yesterday's live chat, in case you missed it! During these chats every ~6 weeks, I welcome people to hang out with me, ask questions and we'll talk about anything you want.
Chapters:
00.00 Intro
00.54 How can we vet people we're dating?
09.52 Creating a care plan - where to even start?
16.4...
2022-12-12 15:17:54 +0000 UTC
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Hi cutie!
Quick note that my next Patron Live Chat will be Sunday, December 11 at 11AM PDT / 2PM EST / 8PM Berlin. If you can't come, please DM me your questions ahead of time. I will send out the link the morning of, and post the full chat to Patreon afterward. I hope to see you there!
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Today is Part 2 of how we start hard conversations with people we care about. This will focus on sharing events, histories and identities. If you missed Pa...
2022-12-04 13:23:51 +0000 UTC
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Good morning cutie,
I’m continuing the series on digital boundaries today. If you missed Part 1, you can see it here. Today, I’ll explore setting bounds with exes (if we still interact), metamours (if we know them), and crushes.
I’m focusing on people with whom we’re both somewhat close and somewhat distant. It won’t apply to everyone. Maybe you're still good friends with an e...
2022-11-27 17:56:28 +0000 UTC
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Good morning cutie,
Today, let's talk about starting hard conversations with people we care about. I'm splitting this into two parts, the next of which will come on December 4th.
As always, I'm offering practical examples of how I personally navigate this in both low and high stakes scenarios. If you struggle with self advocacy or saying your likes / wants / needs, I hope this can be of service!
Chapters:
00.00 Intro
03.23 Expressing awkward likes / dislikes
09.3...
2022-11-20 11:00:00 +0000 UTC
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Good morning cutie,
I hope your week is going great. In this bonus video, I cover some ways that we can step back mindfully from a relationship without totally breaking up.
I imagine there are myriad ways to go about this, but here are some examples to illustrate my own approach. If you need restructuring in your life too, hopefully this can be of service!
Chapters:
00.00 Intro
02.22 Why do we want distance?
04.02 Slowing the pace or frequency
06.23 Removing c...
2022-11-13 11:00:00 +0000 UTC
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Good morning cutie,
Something I always want more discussion on is the topic of digital boundaries. Then I realized – I haven’t really discussed it yet, either. So, let’s get into it.
Most of our in-person relationships have a digital element. Originally, this was going to be a one-and-done resource. Then I kept adding and adding, thinking of different angles or caveats. So let's break it up into a couple parts. Today will be focused on active partnerships.
2022-11-06 15:15:59 +0000 UTC
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Great news that the 2nd workshop with @polyphiliablog is happening next Sunday, November 6 at 10AM PDT / 1PM EST / 6PM London.
If you missed the previous workshop on preventing / managing conflict in polyamory, the recording and transcript are available for purchase: chillpolyamory.com/shop
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Alrighty! Good morning, and I hope you've been having a...
2022-10-30 11:00:06 +0000 UTC
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Hi cutie,
So I've been following @consent.wizardry the past few months, a project by non binary Intimacy Coordinator Mia Schachter. They've also got a semi-frequent podcast on the topic of consent through a wide range of lenses, which I want to share with you today.
With guests on each episode, they explore how consent functions during burnout, trauma responses, in professional scenarios, in ...
2022-10-23 11:00:03 +0000 UTC
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Hi cutie,
Here is an abridged version of today's live chat, in case you missed it! During these chats every 4-6 weeks, I welcome people to submit questions and we'll talk about anything you want. If you want a question to be omitted from the final upload, that's not a problem, either.
Chapters:
01:24 - "What is ok to ask of a partner? Will I be a burden?"
04:38 - "When do we discuss neurodivergence or chronic illness?"
07:34 - "What happens when our ...
2022-10-16 21:54:39 +0000 UTC
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Good morning!
A few questions came in this week about how to describe our expectations of polyamory on a dating profile, and find matches who take that seriously. There are so many variables for each demographic, location and platform, so it’s tricky to give broad tips that apply to everyone. But I’ll offer insight on what I’m doing currently, and maybe that will be helpful.
Enclosed is a snapshot of how my profile looks on OKCupid. Note: This will focus only on how ...
2022-10-09 11:00:05 +0000 UTC
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Good morning!
This week I got a request to explore couples' privilege, so let's talk about it. There are layers to it, and it can vary dramatically across social and institutional spaces. Often, we can think we've explicitly discussed it, only to realize a subtle assumption or small benefit still persists for one of our partners.
This isn't a "bad" thing inherently; I don't moralize the existence of most privileges, as a lot of times they're granted and maintained by systems outsi...
2022-10-02 10:00:05 +0000 UTC
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Good morning,
Let's talk about feeling abandoned. I just had a really interesting connection with a crush last week, which set off a small abandonment wound cycle. But, I found self soothing and security within a matter of days. It was so interesting to see a complex trauma response and recovery cycle in such a condensed amount of time. Today, I'll share what happened and how I moved through it. Maybe that will be of service to you.
Chapters:
00:00 Intro
00:44 Background<...
2022-09-25 10:59:01 +0000 UTC
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Good morning,
It's been a minute since I sourced a podcast for you, so here is one that I've spent some hours listening to this week. "Dear Poly" pod focuses on sexual exploration within polyamory, and all the negotiation needed to pursue new things without causing harm.
They host group chats and guest interviews on topics like restructuring the sexual nature of a relationship, managing partners' discomfort, addressing and healing sexual shame, and more.
While not ever...
2022-09-18 11:00:04 +0000 UTC
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Good morning,
This week I'm expanding on a part of last week's video: the impulse to cut things off and run away immediately. When do we act on that reactivity, and when would be a good time to pause? I'll share some of my own examples to illustrate how there's not really a one-size-fits-all approach. Maybe that will be of service to you.
Chapters:
00:00 Intro
00:40 The time running away saved my life
01:21 Ignoring "run" signals
03:04 Mindfully noticing "run" si...
2022-09-11 12:00:07 +0000 UTC
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Hi cutie,
Over the last week or so, I've ended 2 significant relationships in my life. One is short term, the other long term. One is romantic, the other non-romantic. I'll offer my experience with being "all give, no take" in these dynamics, and how I'm removing myself. Maybe that will be of service to you.
Chapters:
00:00 Intro and Updates
1:45 Which relationships should be reciprocal?
3:14 Overview of Breakup 1
8:48 Overview of Breakup 2
11:07 The build up...
2022-09-04 09:23:04 +0000 UTC
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Good morning,
I've made another long-form video for you today about supporting a partner who's in an emotionally abusive dynamic with his brother.
Chapters:
00:00 Content Warning
00:28 Intro / Background of conflict history
02:30 Escalation into pushing boundaries
05:39 Voicing frustration as a support person
07:01 Realizing this is abuse
10:53 Strategy within consensual hierarchy
11:53 Strategy with misogynistic people
14:40 Pros / Cons of confronting f...
2022-08-28 15:05:58 +0000 UTC
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Hi cutie!
Today's video is about the best "worst one night stand" I've had recently, and how I advocated for myself before, during and afterward. I hope it may be of service to you!
Chapters:
00:00 Preamble
00:40 Intro
01:33 Building a polyam dating profile
04:14 Texting and vetting
05:48 Getting to know each other
08:11 Am I dating with monogamous checklists?
09:24 Going back to his place
11:17 Negotiations and sex
13:11 Going...
2022-08-21 16:10:01 +0000 UTC
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Hi cutie,
Here is today's live chat, in case you missed it!
Chapters:
00:00 Managing NRE as a third in triads
04:04 Advice for introverts
08:35 How to be a privileged person in a polycule
11:06 How metamours can meet
18:15 Kitchen Table - pros and cons
22:36 Polyamory and neurodivergence
27:21 When and how to have kids
31:30 Working through hard emotions in polyam
37:21 Navigating early conversations a...
2022-08-14 10:00:04 +0000 UTC
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Good morning cutie,
Today, let’s explore the difference between transparency and “too much information”. We want to avoid keeping secrets, but also want to avoid tactless delivery or over-sharing. How do we know the difference?
I’ve developed a few questions that we can ask ourselves to see if something is appropriate to share. I’ll also offer examples and practical applications. This is not wholly comprehensive of every possible angle or situati...
2022-07-31 13:37:05 +0000 UTC
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Good morning cutie,
I hope your weekend is restful and peaceful. Today, I want to spotlight fellow polyam creators over at @remodeledlove because they've written a much needed e-book on parenting in our communities. Jess and Joseph are polyam since 2013, and parents since 2018. Even that recently, there weren't many resources to guide them on child rearing in non monogamous dynamics. So, they decided to mak...
2022-07-24 12:20:50 +0000 UTC
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Good morning cutie,
Let’s talk about creating sustainable boundaries. What are some things we can ask ourselves to see if these agreements would feel good long-term?
First, a refresher on some terminology. In the context of interpersonal relationships, the rough definition of “boundary” that I use is: the setting of expectations for how we’re willing to be treated, and...
2022-07-17 14:41:13 +0000 UTC
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Hi cutie,
Today, let's talk about moments that we aren't so proud of. We're human, we have baggage, so conflicts can get messy. How do we repair things after we mess up?
I'll share 5 examples from my own personal life, to illustrate. Hopefully, that can be of service to you.
When I weaponized a partner‘s insecurities in a conflict
One of the bigges...
2022-07-10 13:59:37 +0000 UTC
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Good morning cutie,
This week, by request, let’s talk about setting boundaries with friends who are in high risk romantic or sexual relationships. What do we do when they want to confide in us, but aren’t taking action to change or leave?
Today, I’ll offer a few ways that I offer compassion and resources, while being clear on what I can or can’t offer. As always, I can only outline what I practice in my own life. Some things might not suit your situation, but hopefully som...
2022-07-03 13:52:22 +0000 UTC
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Good morning cutie,
Today I want to share a thoughtful self-paced course about dismantling the norms of relationship escalation. Sex educator Jayda Kissed created this, and I think it’s a solid primer for newcomers as well as a helpful refresher for long-time polyam folks. It includes a digital workbook and a multi-part video series. If you’re like me and enjoy tasks and written exercises, maybe this will be ...
2022-06-26 09:53:36 +0000 UTC
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Hi cutie,
Let’s talk today about respecting the privacy of metamours. Specifically, when a partner has a story involving a metamour, how much of that is “our business” to know?
Today, I’ll explore some questions that I ask myself and my partners before navigating these conversations. I’ll include case study examples from my life, to illustrate. Every relationship will be different, and each person will have their own sensitivities and preferences, but hopefully my storie...
2022-06-19 12:52:22 +0000 UTC
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