Heres What I Dont Get

Episode 199 - XXXL, All Beef, No Filler

It's finally that time of year folks. The weather's getting colder, the trees are changing colors, and you're stuck inside! You're working from home for the foreseeable future and its driving you crazy. In fact you're hearing strange noises from the neighborhood. Every odd noise makes you jump feverishly, and you arm yourself when you walk around the house. Smart, because there's been a ravenous escaped convict in your attic and walls. You better escape from him if you have any chance of appe...

Before & After - Joker

Here it is folks, an honest review of a film that was supposed to spur hundreds of mass shooting across the US, but didn't and the feminists are pissed. As two pretty strong fans of Batman, we went into this with a colored opinion, but did our best to be objective. So sit down with us as we talk about Joker.

Recommendations
Tim - Yes, if you don't like Batman.
Tab - No, not at all.

Episode 198 - Kicked Out Of Six Flags

This week's episode of HWIDG is HOT HOT HOT! With the west coast fires burning out the last remains of the 4chan /pol/ anarchists, we are born anew. Let the fires blaze and wash over us to absolve us our sins. Like the Phoenix we will rise again and form a new country: NeoU.S.A. Our new cyberpunk futurecountry will be the pinnacle of human civilization. Neon-soaked streets and flying cars will give way to the transhumanist movement, giving us sick blade-arms and turbo engine piston legs. The ...

Episode 197 - Praise Jesus, But Not Too Much

Graphics Cards are in the news this week, and not to be outdone by anything, HWIDG is unveiling our new extended cut of the weekly podcast, Here's What I Really, Really, Really Don't Get. With more issues than ever before, get ready for the Big Chungus of podcasts. Each episode is 73 hours long and filled to the brim with just as many issues. But the kicker? We're introducing our brand new DH Cores which will extend the podcast with another 12 hours of blazing fast Deadhelm voicemails. It's t...

Minisode 32 - Unskilled Labor

Here we are, it's the end of August. Summer is nearly at an end, and yet your kids are still at home because we live in a nation of wind up rule. The media winds everyone up and they demand action, winding up the next set of automatons, who wind up the enforcement automatons, and now you the only human left on earth is a literal demon, because you won't be wound.

Party National Conventions
Bottle Caps
Breath of the Wild
Band Beers

Next election instead of a week long jerk...

Episode 196 - Mandatory Dry Skin

The National Podcast Convention was canceled earlier this week by shocking events that this country has never seen before. A mass assault was carried out on fellow American citizens by Vice-Presidential nominee Reacher the Cat, a first of its kind (unless you count 9/11). When questions about his economical discrepancies where brought up, he began to hiss toward the reporter and in a flash jumped and latched onto his face inflicting many, many shallow cuts. He then jumped from face to face as...

Bonus Episode 46 - Criminally Unfunny

Tonight on Unsolved Mysteries, four serial rapists named Randy, yet each with their own fetish, namely these;

- Unsolved Mysteries
- Photo Mode
- Cake
- Good Accents

Believe me what you remember from your youth, not at all representative of Unsolved Mysteries. Sure there's a lot of rapes, murders, kidnapping, and combinations of the three, and of course you have ghosts, alien abductions, and missing person reports, but it's not just escaped convicts in your neighborhood, ...

Episode 195 - Meet the New Boss

This week's episode is brought to you on location from the National Podcast Convention. Vice President Reacher of HWIDG is expected to take the stage any minute for a rousing speech. Now, keep in mind this comes at a critical time as last night documents were unearthed showing he has been falsifying his mouse-catching numbers to appear far greater than they are. Will he be able to explain the discrepancies or will he ignore the accusations? Here he is, let's see what he has to say:

* H...

Episode 194 - Supertramp vs. MegaWasp

We here at HWIDG are pleased to announce our new Vice President: Reacher, the cat! Mr. Reacher has all of the qualities a fine podcast like ours is looking for in a vice president. A can-do attitude and a fierce policy against Tim's allergies are just some of the qualifications we used to gauge wether or not he was ready for this high-level job. Now, as Vice President, Mr. Reacher has the ability and duty to establish new podcast guidelines and to help flesh out our squeaky toy collection. Al...

Episode 193 - Run Red

Welcome to The HWIDG State Office, please take a number. This number lets you know in what order you will be called, if your number is after 10 just go ahead and go home, there's no hope for you. Please fill out forms 75-C and 76-A completely before you are called, yes all 47 pages of them. If you require immediate help, you can sit down and shut up and wait like everyone else. Please do not interrupt employees that are on the phone loudly having a non-work related conversation or you WILL ge...

Minisode 31 - Freedom Fascist

July is over and now the dog days of summer really start, but they say it's not the heat that really gets to you it's a combination of,

Bloody Marys
Lawns
Just One Errand
Locking Yourself Out

The Bloody Mary is such a lousy drink, 1 tomatos suck. 2, almost everywhere they meme them up by putting lots of random shit in there. Just give me my alcohol straight, if you can't handle it straight why even drink it?

Boomers fell in love with grass for some reason and put so...

Bonus Episode 45 - 85% Hard

Welcome HWIDGets to this long delayed bonus episode. Moving has finished and now it's time to unpack. Of course we've got to unpack the important stuff first so grab those boxes labeled.

Fireworks
Basements
Hard Mode
New Game +

There are two types of people, those who like fireworks, and Midwits. A midwit is someone who thinks they are a lot smarter than they are, and convinces themselves they are above cheap fun. That's what fireworks are, cheap fun, and boy are they fu...

Episode 192 - One Cult Admission, Please

We here at HWIDG know that life comes at you fast. If you aren't prepared to move out of the way, you'll end up with a very sticky situation. That's why we're opening up the HWIDG Cares Hotline. Call us 24/7 and a qualified technician will listen to your issues through and through and then tell you to go screw yourself. Because we care. Having trouble with a co-worker? We'll listen to your manlet cries and then shame you for not confronting him instead. HWIDG Cares, call us at 1-800-YOU-SUCK ...

Episode 191 - My Strange Gengar Addiction (feat. Justin Silverman)

It's time folks. Time to get your mask on. That's right, state governments all over the country are getting into these Mask mandates, and we for one could not be happier. The Mobile Armored Strike Kommand are heroes known worldwide, and yes, every citizen of the United States should be required by law to always be watching an episode of M.A.S.K though in cases where this is not possible, a citizen can show an item of M.A.S.K branded apparel or official Kenner action figure. Remember, M.A.S.K ...

Episode 190 - Huffle My Puff

We here at HWIDG are proud to announce that we are currently preparing for an eventual 2024 Presidential run. That's right, Tab and Tim are finally getting political, in a big way. As President, Tab promises to put taxes in the trash and a fat-ass steak on every plate in America. As Vice President, Tim will be locked in a padded cell with increasingly brittle items until his hands can no longer be considered lethal weapons. So when you're at the polls (in a few years) vote for wh...

Episode 189 - Jane Fonda Release Fund

WELCOME BACK TO HERE'S WHAT I DON'T EXPLODE (WHICH IS NOTHING BY THE WAY) THE ONLY CURRENTLY EXPLODING PODCAST TO EXPLODE ALL OF LIFE'S TOUGHEST ISSUES. I'M YOUR HOST TIM THE HANDLEXPLODER AND TODAY WE'RE BRINGING YOU TWO AND A HALF HOURS OF NONSTOP EXPLOSION NOISES FOLLOWED BY:

* Picking up Strays
* Diplomatic Impunity
* Quibi
* Protesting After the Fact

Look, everyone knows a wonderful story about finding a scared, ragged, bony dog or cat, slowly gaining its trust, giv...

Episode 188 - Felony Selfishness

Just like the bad guy, from Lethal Weapon 2, we've got diplomatic immunity, so Hammer you can't sue. We can write graffiti, even jaywalk in the street! We can riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat, you can't touch CHAZ! That's right, you can't touch us! Wait... Stop that! Stop touching us! YOU'RE RUINING OUR COMMUNAL BASIL GARDEN! GIVE US OUR HACKY-SACKS BACK YOU FASCIST PIGS! GATTACA! GATTACA! GATTACA! YOU MAY TAKE OUR LIVES BUT YOU CAN NEVER TAKE:

* Outbigotting 2020-07-02 01:47:53 +0000 UTC View Post

Minisode 30 - Someone Get Me the Manager

It's the 30th again HWIDGets, and that means more minisodes. This month we've got a lot to complain about starting with these minor disturbances.

Animals that do weird stuff
Being asked to subscribe
The Pick 3 Meme
People in the Store that touch everything

Evolution has taken millions of years, and sometimes you get these weird animals that have no business existing, yet here they are.

It's 2020, we've been using youtube for nearly 15 years. We know how the subscrib...

Bonus Episode 44 - Defund Skyrim Guards

Welcome back patrons to this sob story filled episode of HWIDG. This time Tab and Tim are finding abandoned issues, and reinvigorating them into "Do Gets" with just 3 weeks to come up with new material will the boys succeed in getting this month's patreon money? Find out after these messages.

Car SOS
Satire News
Gun Cleaning
Roller Coasters

I don't know what to say about this series that I didn't say in the show, but if you like cars, and you need something to watch, give...

Episode 187 - Red Ring Circus

BREAKING NEWS! Coming to you live from Tulsa, Oklahoma. Ground Zero of the first Viral Race Riots, as you know COVID-19 has transformed due to 5G into the BLM-COVID-25G. There's only one way to keep from getting sick and that is to keep constant rage in your heart. Fortunately for Tab, his constant blood boiling has kept him completely immune. Tim has fled the country to try and keep from getting sick, and Todd is still asleep but we assume when he awakens he'll probably already be infected. ...

Episode 186 - Show Me the Money!

Football fans, welcome to the HWIDG League's Thursday Night Football Special, brought to you by Jerry's Exotic Meat Shack, they have everything from beef and bird to possum and turtle! Tonight we've got the ultimate showdown: it's the Lincoln Pre-K Chiefs versus the Golden Garden Child Day Care Center Tigers! The stands are packed, and the crowd is already getting rowdy! I don't know about you, but i've got a cool 5K resting on GGCDCC tonight, their quarterback Kyle Higgins has been on an abs...

Episode 185 - Psychadelic Toad Venom

Welcome to another episode of DYCIWMDVGC, the only podcast to tell you "Damn You Corona, I Want My Dumb Video Game Christmas" every week. At the time of writing, it's t-minus 23 hours until our first taste of our new E3-less future. This time of year any other year I'd be looking at conference schedules, making snacks, and dammit even going to bed at a reasonable time just to catch an hour and a half of trailers for games that will either never look like the trailer or be pushed back again an...

Episode 184 - Footage Not Found

HWIDG would like to formally apologize for 2020. We might have said some things about 2019 last year that were a bit derogatory, and clearly they have taken it out on the rest of the world. In these trying times, we here at HWIDG can only hope that things get better this year with say, maybe, an alien invasion? That would be pretty cool. Zombies are played out, so that's off the list. D.B. Cooper! How about that! Let's finally get that one over with. Maybe the Moon can crack and ...

Tab and Tony Watch - Cats

 The Commentary Track Starts When the Universal Logo Fades Out 

If life doesn't feel like you live in a dystopian hellscape already, get ready for CATS. One of the longest running Broadway musicals of all time, that also sucks. Cats is a bunch of TS Elliot poems set to music Andrew Loyd Webber stole from more talented composers. Now with 100% more CGI nightmare fuel!

Meet the Jellicles, a feral cat colony that every year must cull the herd by eliminating one of the membe...

Minisode 29 - Cheeto Chair

Welcome back fans to May's Minisode which I am actually remembering to post this month. You know what I also forgot to post? The voting for June's movie commentary. Why? Because my brain has become so riddled with lack of purpose I barely know what days are which! So keep that in mind while we pontificate about these less important issues.

Cliques
Surprise Messy Food
What Old People Did to Floors
Sappy Gameshow Stories

At a certain point we're supposed to have become adul...

Before & After - X-Men: Dark Phoenix

Here it is fans the last movie in the FoX-Men franchise and boy does it suck. Not like a fun sucking, but in just the boring bland sameness of sucking the way Apocalypse sucked. Seriously they should have just released The New Mutants and taken the loss on this movie, because it is a piece of crap. No Quiksilver scene, no Wolverine, nothing of interest in this film. There is a lot of stuff that would be interesting that is just totally glossed over. Just go rewatch Logan, that's a great godda...

Minisode 28 - Protesting Protestors

Apologies patrons to this long delayed minisode that I edited and then completely forgot to release because I have Corona Brain. So enjoy it now as a second minisode for May. Last month we meant to talk about.

The Newspeak
Library Books
When Your Car Gets Dirty Right After Leaving the Car Wash
Poorly Packaged Lunch Meat

Wuhan Flu really brought to light a lot of problems with our world. For years it's been bothering me how the general public just forgets about problems on...

Episode 183 - Arachnid Photography

On this historic day, HWIDG goes where no formerly international podcast has gone before. That's right, HWIDG has teamed up with KFC, and with their help, today we are launching the first manned-spaceflight podcast recording session! Tab and Tim will climb aboard the majestic ship The Colonel which has been under construction for the last 5 years and has gone through thousands of hours of testing, and record the very first podcast from space! A quick reminder that today's shuttle launch is br...

Bonus Episode 43 - XXPoonMachine43XX

Welcome back supporters who are just happy to give generous gifts to the show in exchange for nothing, but sometimes bonus content. This month we're talking about these intense pleasures.

Good Screen Names
Tulsa
Engine Demos
The Best Revenge

Back in the days before the internet was made accessible to women user names used to be  a utopia of vaguely racist, or sexual puns. No more though, now it's all TBirt or THBreaker or TSeidelSnores with some numbers or something ...

Episode 182 - Cabela's Big Gamer Hunter

The time has come. Far too long has "Big Podcast" had a hand in what HWIDG says. Remember the debacle that was Episode 180? Well, the shackles have been broken and it is time for us to #ReleaseTheSeidelCut. That's right, from now on the podcast will be edited by Todd and it will be a 4+ hour extravaganza! No more childish humor, no more feel-good voicemails, it's time for heady topics, grow room tips, and ska, a lot of ska. So get on your knees TRUE HWIDG fans, for your savior is here and his...