fullparagon

Patreon Bonus Chapter Poll for September 2023

Summer is coming to an end, but that just mean's its more socially appropriate for me to stay in and write. As usual, this is for stories that otherwise wouldn't receive as much love, so pick a story you really want to see an update too. The poll will close on September 7th, and there will be a second poll on my Discord open to the public. 

https://discord.gg/xzd6QVy5

The Second Archon War, Carmen Dei 7

It had been a long time since Alexandria had been nervous, and she found that she was having a hard time standing still. She ended up pacing back and forth in the office as Doctor Mother sipped her tea and pretended to work.

“Not so fast, Rebecca. You’ll burn a hole in my floor,” the older woman said absently.

Alexandria paused, then looked down, and realized she had been burning a literal hole in the carpet with how fast she’d been moving. She muttered under her breath and kept pacing, but at a normal human pace.

“Have some gum, Rebecca,” Doctor Mother said, pulling out a pack and proffering it to Rebecca.

She frowned but took a piece. “Does my breath smell that bad?”

“No, but you used to chew it to comfort yourself. You gave up the habit not long after you triggered, but I figured you could use it now,” the older woman said with a gentle smile.

Grimacing, Alexandria took a stick, then thought about and took a second stick, popping them both into her mouth and began masticating. It helped, a little. But Alexandria was soon back to pacing.

After what felt like an eternity, the door opened, and Contessa walked in, eyes down on a paper as she effortlessly navigated her way through the room, before taking a seat on a chair without once looking up.

“Well?” Alexandria demanded, coming to a stop. Even Doctor Mother looked up, setting down her pencil and resting her head in her hands.

“Hmm? Oh, yes. She’s Raiden, but not the one you met,” Contessa said, looking up from the paper she was holding.

“What do you mean? Is she a body double? A clone?” Alexandria demanded.

“Hmm.” Contessa frowned, her eyes losing focus. “A…Robot? Yes. My analysis and the other Thinkers agree. She’s an artificial humanoid creation of Raiden’s. A robot.”

“What do you mean by she is Raiden then,” Doctor Mother asked, pinching the bridge of her nose. “And try to remember, the rest of us in the room are not prescient.”

“Well, it seems she has most of Raiden’s memories and powers, though she is a bit easier for me to see on my Path. Also, turns out that Raiden is more of a title than anything else. I guess we should have known. ‘Lightning General’ does sound more like a job description than a name.”

“Then what IS her name?” Alexandria demanded.

“Which one?” Contessa asked. Alexandria glared at her, and Contessa shrugged. “Sorry, I mean, I know, but I do try to involve others in conversations. I’m told it’s irritating when I answer questions before they’re asked.”

“It is,” Alexandria agreed, and Doctor Mother grimaced and nodded. “But explain.”

“Well, I’m not really sure as to the original’s name. She’s still almost impossible to analyze for any Thinker. Even me. The best answer I got was ‘mom,’ but I think that’s just what Ami calls her. The other was ‘Thunder Thighs.’”

“I think we can safely dismiss both of those,” Doctor Mother said in a dry tone. “And the clone?”

“The Shogun, or perhaps, Onii-Chan? Maybe The Moon? It’s very vague. I even got Tsukuyomi but that seems a little silly.”

“What’s wrong with Tsukuyomi?” Alexandria asked, though she looked at Doctor Mother when she did so.

“I think…” Doctor Mother tapped a few keys on her keyboard, waited a moment, read something, then frowned. “It’s the name of a Japanese deity. Their moon god.”

“Oh, well, I guess the Moon and Tsukuyomi do make sense then,” Contessa said brightly. She sighed when Alexandria glared at her. “Or not. We could just ask her, you know. We haven’t tried that yet.”

“Because she’s a dangerous and unstable warlord,” Alexandria growled.

“Actually, about that,” Contessa held up a paper. “Do you know what this is? Oh, sorry. I was just trying to be rhetorical. Is that a phrase? Never mind. Anyway, this is a list of orders to the Imperial Residence. There’s a lot of take-out food, video games, and comics. Though they call them manga.”

“I know what Manga is. Taylor loves Lightning Princess Ami,” Alexandria said.

Contessa paused, then raised an eyebrow. “I think I’m supposed to say ‘Who’s Taylor?’ but I do already know who Miss Hebert is. Or I do now anyway.”

Alexandria tried to remind herself that just because Contessa was annoying sometimes, or all the time, didn’t mean they weren’t friends.

“You…you’re confirming that theory?” Doctor Mother asked, looking baffled.

“Mmhmm. Raiden’s staying home and playing hooky, and she appears to have sent out a robot duplicate so she could read…Hokuto no Ken? No, you don’t know that one? Uh…Fist of the North Star?”

Doctor Mother and Alexandria both stared at Contessa blankly.

“Oh, you know,” Contessa screwed up her face and pointed at them menacingly. “‘You are already dead.’ And then they explode.”

“I’ll put a team of researchers on it immediately,” Doctor Mother sighed.

“Should I ask Taylor?” Alexandria asked uncertainly. It was a bit troubling that her primary expert on this was a five-year-old girl.

Contessa blanched. “Uh, no, don’t do that. It’s not really meant for children. Or at least not little girls. She might like Dragon Ball though, Raiden really likes that one.”

Something dawned on Alexandria. “Contessa…are you reading comic books?”

Contessa blushed slightly. “Technically, they’re manga. Mostly on long flights. It started as research to get into Raiden’s head a little better, but…they’re really quite fascinating.”

“I guess…it’s good you found a hobby?” Alexandria said, feeling slightly baffled at this whole development. Then she shook her head. “So, what do we do? We need to find out more about this robot duplicate.”

“Well, like I said,” Contessa shrugged and smiled. “Why don’t we just ask her?”

Doctor Mother slowly nodded. “That might be for the best. Though…did you learn anything about her and Scion? Or what the Parasites she was referring to were?”

“You already know the answer to the second one, I think,” Contessa said, and Doctor Mother blanched and looked away. “As to the second…it’s really past time I had a conversation with her, don’t you think?”

“Not alone,” Alexandria said firmly. “I’ll be there as well.”

Contessa nodded and smiled. “Of course. I’ll see you in two days in DC at the Hilton. Oh, read some Dragonball. You’d like it, I think. And it would give you something to talk about.”

Alexandria opened her mouth, but Contessa interrupted her.

“Yes, I know, you won’t, but you really would like it, and wouldn’t it be nice to have a friendly conversation with Raiden? Or, the Shogun? Hmmm. We’ll have to ask her name.” Contessa then got up, and simply left.

Alexandria watched her go, then turned to see Doctor Mother massaging her forehead. “Does she ever…”

“Drive me batty? Only all the time. Thinkers tend to be like that,” Doctor Mother sighed. She pulled out another sheet of paper. “Something else to think about for you.”

Alexandria groaned, and pulled up a chair. “What else?”

“Nothing much. Just…here,” Doctor Mother passed over the paper, and Alexandria scanned it. Then she frowned, and went over it again, much more carefully.

“New cluster? Green totems? Wind powers?” Alexandria asked, looking up in shock. “But…how? Why?”

“We don’t know. A mutation on the electrical ones? Something else? It will require more research. But there have been three in the past week we know of. It’s a pattern. And we’re not sleeping on this one.”

Alexandria grunted and handed the paper back. “Very well. What’s our stance on the Heartbreaker situation?”

“A waste,” Doctor Mother sighed. “He could have been useful as a C53 if we’d got him first. But, well, speaking as a woman: good riddance to bad rubbish.”

“He got off more easily than he deserved. They’re finding hundreds of his puppets. Multiple suicides,” Alexandria said in disgust. She was personally of the opinion that this was the second time Raiden had done the world a favor. Or, well, it was at least a mark in the duplicate's favor. Letting one of the women he’d controlled execute him had been a nice touch.

She stood and picked up her helmet from where she’d set it earlier. “Back to work, I suppose. The Canadians can’t decide if they’re grateful or mad, and seem to have settled on apologizing to Raiden for the inconvenience.”

“Hmm yes. Do ask her about Scion at the meeting you set up. I do want to know why she behaves the way she does,” Doctor Mother said. “Or who told her what the real situation is.”

Alexandria nodded, then left. She shuddered, thinking back to her first meeting, then the second. There had been something off. She had said it was a hunch, but she hadn’t told the truth.

There was a…weight…to Raiden’s presence. Not a physical one, but a pressure on Alexandria’s soul. The duplicate didn’t have that same feel to her. What that meant…Alexandria didn’t think she wanted to know. But Wyatte would be unbearable when she told him.

Strolling through the city, Capri watched Venti more carefully than she did the passersby. Normally, her eyes would be sweeping the crowd for potential threats, but the glowing purple sphere in her pack gave her confidence that there wasn’t anyone aside from another cape or Vision Holder that could threaten her now. That probably wasn’t true, she wasn’t actually bullet or knife proof, but the huge ass sword she had hidden away in her Vision meant that anyone who attacked her with a knife had made their last mistake.

Berlin was much as she remembered it: the streets were kept clean and the buildings freshly painted, the people dour if polite and the homeless problem getting worse by the day. Cologne was still remembered in a few memorials or murals but was generally forgotten by the populace as the tired eyes of a middle-aged man hiding in the shadow of a building told her.

Venti’s reaction was interesting. He was no longer staring goggle-eyed at passing cars or someone talking on a cell phone, but he was certainly more observant than his chatting with Capri and Naomi would have indicated. He seemed…subdued. Sad. Capri wasn’t sure why; they weren’t in a part of the city where the neo-nazi graffiti or slogans would be tolerated.

Then she saw the large billboard with the symbol of the Land and Social Labor Reform Party on it, and hopeful-looking blond-haired and blue-eyed people looking off into the distance as the words hung above them: Keeping the land and people clean through hard work and unity.

It sounded nice, until you realized that they meant to do that by killing off people like Capri, and seizing land that they claimed was “properly German.” The same old song and dance.

She was so lost in her black mood and thoughts that she didn’t even notice the wall she ran into until she smacked into it face first. She stumbled back, then looked up, realizing that it was less a wall of bricks and more a pillar of muscle with rocks for brains.

“Hey! I didn’t think I’d see you guys here!” Itul said brightly, smiling down at Capri. “What’re you three doing in Berlin? Oh, wait, don’t tell me: Super secret Knight business, right?”

“Itul?” Naomi said, then smiled. “It’s good to see you! But, ah, maybe don’t shout about…that…to the world?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, no, it’s cool, it’s cool, I can keep it on the DL, don’t worry. Your bro Itul ‘Keep a Secret Until his Dying Breath’ Armburst won’t be spillin’ these beans, don’t you worry! Just, uh, no actual beans. Allergies, you see.”

“Did you follow us?” Capri asked suspiciously, glancing around them. They were on a somewhat busy sidewalk in a commercial district, and people were going by them to either side, some of them glancing at the overly loud and boisterous giant who was grinning at her. “What are you doing here? I thought you were going to help Leon and Gunter out at the Ferret.”

“Oh yeah, I got gramp’s back! There just, uh…well, there’s like, a super secret mission here, ya know? Had to make a little trip,” Itul said in a whisper that probably only carried to the end of the block. If you were half deaf.

Looking around, Capri spied a small cafe, and grabbed Itul, pulling him inside and to a back table, with Venti and Naomi following. It was about lunch time anyway. “Keep your voice down,” she hushed Itul.

“Yeah, it’s cool, it’s cool, I got a cover story,” Itul whispered. “But I’m like, on a recruiting mission. My girlfriend is going to be in town, and I think I can get her to sign up and stuff.”

“You have a girlfriend?” Naomi asked, trying to hide her incredulity.

Itul looked offended. “Yeah bro! She’s from Japan, so you’ve probably never met her, but- hey! Don’t laugh, she’s real!”

Capri didn’t bother to hide her snigger, while Naomi had put her hands over her mouth. Venti was grinning as he examined the menu, clearly amused. “Oh, do tell, my dear oni. But why do you think this mysterious woman from another land would be a good fit for the Knights of Favonius?”

“Well, for one thing, she’s super hot!” Itul bragged, which had absolutely nothing to do with anything as far as Capri was concerned. “Hey! She is! Look, I got pictures and stuff.” He pulled out his phone, and showed off some grainy pictures of what was admittedly a very pretty Japanese woman. There was only one problem: she was in costume, and even Capri had a pretty good idea that she was a model of some sort.

“Oh, she’s Sara Tengan?” Naomi asked, putting a hand over her mouth again. “I’ve seen her on TV. She’s quite famous in the cosplay circuit.”

“Yeah! Yeah! So you’ve heard of her!” Itul said, warming to his theme. “We met a few years back before she got big at Otakon in America! That was before Raiden even showed up, back when Otakon was just a little gig for us real fans, you know? She was cosplaying as Twilight Suzaku, and I was Gene Starwind, so we made the perfect couple! We hit it off and we’ve been going out ever since.”

Capri rolled her eyes and glanced at Naomi, who winced slightly. “Ah, I see, Itul. You um, were talking about going out with Venti though…”

“Hey, I’m a big man, and she’s far away! I wouldn’t two-time her or anything, but you know, maybe I’d have to break her heart,” Itul said with a shrug. “Long distance is tough, you know? Anyway, she got powers a year or so ago, before I got mine, and I figured she’d make an awesome knight! She has this sick bow she calls Yumi-Chan from Raiden and everything.”

“Well, I’m afraid a Japanese national wouldn’t be a good fit for the Knights of Favonius. I don’t think we’ll be limited to just Germans, mind, but if she’s loyal to Raiden that would preclude her joining us,” Venti said, which made Itul deflate. “Not that I wouldn’t like to meet her! She could be an affiliate member, perhaps. Has she met Beezlebul personally?”

“Who?” Itul asked, frowning in confusion.

“Ah, sorry, Raiden,” Venti said, waving it off, but Capri frowned. That sounded important, like Venti was testing the waters again. That, and Naomi’s brow was furrowed in thought. She knew something, what it was Capri wasn’t certain.

“Oh, yeah, loads of times, she cosplays as Raiden and Raiden’s totally cool with it,” Itul said with a shrug. Capri couldn’t decide if he was just delusional or if this Sara Tengu was too. It was probably just Itul though.

“Well, you’ll have to introduce us then!” Venti said cheerily.

Itul snapped his fingers, his face lighting up in a grin. “Oh yeah! You guys are a band, right? They get bands to play at MEX! I know the organizer, she could hook you up! We go way back.”

“Sure you do,” Capri said, rolling her eyes.

“Yeah, let me just text Cookie and we’ll get a meeting,” Itul said enthusiastically, picking up a menu. “What’s for lunch, I’m starving!”

“You’re buying, right?” Venti said, batting his eyes.

“Uh…” Itul looked worried at that and double-checked the prices.

“Pay for yourself and I’ll pay for us, we still have some of the money Leon paid us,” Capri said, wincing. He’d given them pay for three days, so they owed him, but she hadn’t thought to return the money. Plus, they sort of needed it.

Capri ended up just having a sandwich and soda, Naomi a salad and seltzer, while Itul and Venit had three beers and a bratwurst with a load of chips. Despite his smaller frame, Venti proved more than capable of keeping up with the much larger man in the eating and drinking department.

After lunch, they took the bus with Itul to meet with ‘Cookie,’ who apparently was looking for a band for the Manga Expo in a few days. The event itself was three days long, and took place at a large convention center. That wasn’t where Itul led them though, instead to a large commercial complex with several shops, from clothing, to electronics, to bikes. The store Itul took them to in particular was a two-story affair with a large sign that read “FANTASTIC DAYS: COMICS, MANGA, TRADING CARDS, AND MORE.” The sign featured what Capri would call “nerd stuff” from video game and comic characters to a picture of Raiden Shogun herself, deformed and cute, like from that Lightning Princess show.

“Hey hey hey!” Itul said as soon as they entered the shop. “What’s up, Arataki Gang!”

“What up, bro!” a reedy-looking man behind the counter called, smiling and looking up from a comic book he’d been reading. “Though you jetted for the day!”

“Itul! My man!” a more rotund man said, coming over and performing an elaborate handshake with Itul. He leaned in close and whispered. “How’s the Red Oni doing?”

“Oh, you know, kicking names, taking ass,” Itul said proudly.

Capri stifled a groan and that, while Venti snorted. Naomi gave a pained and confused smile.

“These are my homies. They’re like, you know…” he dropped his voice to a whisper, “My sidekicks. On my cape team.”

“Oh shit! They’re the Knights of Favonius?!" The man bowed deeply, waving his hand in a weird manner that was probably supposed to be fancy. “You can call me Akira! Uh, my civilian name is Arnold. I’m like, Itul’s squire! We’re totally bros!”

Capri glared at Itul, and he managed to look abashed. “So, you’ve just been telling everyone?”

“Well, uh, I, you know, we didn’t say it was supposed to be a secret or nuthin’, and since I’m like, a founding member and stuff…I needed a network! So I recruited the Gang to help! They’re like, my bros. They totally wouldn’t betray me!”

“Does everyone in this building know you’re the Red Oni?” Capri demanded flatly.

“Um…probably not?” Itul looked desperately at Arnold, who shook his head.

“Nah, that’s a secret! We wouldn’t tell anyone, not even-”

“What are you idiots blathering about? Itul! What have I told you! Do not go bragging to everyone about you know what!”

Capri turned to see a woman with bright green hair and purple eyes striding towards them. She had on glasses and a professional-looking collared shirt with slacks, and a lanyard with a name tag on it that read “Guildmaster: Katherine ‘Cookie’ Schmidt.”

“Cookie!” Itul said brightly. He gestured broadly and declared, “This is the Band I told you about! The Tone Deaf Bards! They’re totally awesome!”

“Uh-huh,” Cookie said, looking Capri and the others up and down. Then she snapped her fingers at Arnold. “What am I paying you for? You’re supposed to be taking inventory! Back to work!”

“I was on break,” Arnold said defensively, but he was shuffling away.

“You’ll be on unemployment! We have to get the shop ready before the big rush during MEX! And I still have a million things to plan!” Cookie told him, then made a shooing motion. Arnold broke into a run, heading for the back. “Now get going! And Mark?”

“Y-yes ma’am?” the man behind the counter said, hastily hiding the comic book.

“You charged that to your employee credit, right? If you’re going to read on the clock you’d better pay for it.”

“Uh, yes! Doing that now, Cookie!” Mark agreed hastily, pulling the book back out and ringing it up on the register.

“Great.” Cookie sighed, taking her glasses off and rubbing her hand over her face. “Now I know why dad told me never to hire my friends…”

“Ah, don’t be like that, Bro!” Itul said, putting an arm around Cookie’s shoulders.

Cookie glared at him. She came up only to Itul’s shoulder, but he cringed at her iron gaze. “I’m not your ‘Bro’ when I’m at work, Itul! And what’s this about a band? I had to have all that scheduled weeks ago! Who are these people?”

“They’re uh-”

“Let me guess: friends of yours who need a paycheck,” Cookie sighed. She shook her head. “Look, I’ve got the entertainment booked already. You can try out later and I’ll put you on the backup list if you’re good. But I do need more hands to monitor traffic and stuff. Itul!”

“Uh, yes ma’am?”

“You’re drafted! You speak Japanese more or less, right?” Cookie demanded.

“Totally! Watashi wa Itul-san. Watashi wa nihongo jozu!”

Venti’s eyebrow’s rose again, and his lips quirked. Then he turned to Cookie and bowed deeply. “Kono hito wa kenkyo ni, jibun wa yūnōna hon'yaku-sha ni narudarou to mōshidete imasu. Watashi wa kono gengo ni tsuite tashō no chishiki ga aru node, yorokonde anata no torikumi o shien shitai to omoimasu.”

Capri probably shouldn’t have been surprised, but it was still a mild shock to hear Venti rattled that off in what sounded to her like perfect Japanese.

“Yeah, I, uh, I totally understood that,” Itul said, folding his arms over his chest and grinning. Cookie gave him a flat look. “Half. Half of that. You’re pretty nihongo jozu yourself, Venti!”

“I dabble, from time to time,” Venti drawled.

Cookie nodded, then motioned them towards the back. “Let’s talk in my office.”

They made their way through the store, which Capri noted was nearly immaculate in its cleanliness, with a well laid out floor plan. It was all full of “nerd shit” in Capri’s estimation, but the few customers were quiet and orderly and the walls were decorated with colorful murals with more comic and movie characters, a few of which Capri recognized, especially Mushu of both flavors.

“Hmm, you have trading card games?” Venti observed as they wove through isles with Pokemon and other card games that Capri didn’t recognize. “Do you sell Genius Invocation TCG?”

“Genius Invocation? Never heard of it,” Cookie said without turning around. “And If I haven’t heard of it, it’s not popular, especially not in Japan. We’ve got Pokemon, Magic the Gathering, and Duel Monsters, with some sports cards and a few niche ones like Transformers, Star Wars, and Dragonball.”

“Oh, a pity. I have my Casket of Tomes with me and haven’t had a game in ages,” Venti said mournfully.

“Hmm, a new product? Well if you’ve got a sample you can leave it with me and I’ll take a look after MEX,” Cookie told them, leading them through a door painted with Gandalf, Naomi had made Capri read Lord of the Rings, declaring “YOU SHALL NOT PASS (except for Employees)”.

Unlike the well organized front, the back was a chaotic mess, with piles of merchandise  scattered about, half finished pallets, and corner that was full of painting supplies and half finished projects. Arnold was digging through a pile of action figures from various brands and scribbling something on a clipboard. He looked up and smiled when he saw Itul, then paled and hastily got back to work when he caught sight of Cookie.

They were taken to an office in the back that said “THE COOKIE MONSTER’S LAIR” with  a crude but creative depiction of Cookie breathing fire on four frightened individuals that Capri could recognize as Itul, Arnold, Mark, and a red-haired woman they hadn’t met yet, as all ran desperately away from her. The room itself was also a chaotic mess, with papers stacked on the desk, a pile of clothes and costumes on one side, and a microwave with a pile of instant noodles and other ready to eat meals atop a small fridge.

As soon as they stepped into the office, Cookie took off her glasses, untucked her shirt, and sat down in a creaky office chair with a sigh. “OK, I can already tell. You’re Itul’s new cape friends, aren’t you?”

Capri and Naomi both turned malevolent glares on Itul, who rubbed the back of his head abashedly, while Venti chuckled. “Ehe! I suppose you could say that…”

“Well at least he didn’t get killed when he went back to his hometown,” Cookie sighed. She pried open the fridge and pulled out a can of beer, which she cracked and took a long pull from. She pulled more cans out and tossed them around, with Venti giving her a grateful salute. “Sit down, I guess we should talk.”

“Aw, come on Cookie, you can trust them! They’re totally awesome!” Itul said eagerly. “I told you, I was gonna be an awesome cape! I even fought Stuka and totally stomped her and her goons!”

“Stuka. You, a Brute, who’s powers are, as far as I can tell, fueled by sheer himbo energy, took out Stuka, who’s kit is so perfectly designed to counter yours that you’d probably have a better chance fighting freaking Legend or Alexandria than Stuka. That Stuka.” Cookie’s tone was flat, and she took a long pull of her beer after, then glared at Itul.

“Uh, well, you see…Venti helped! Yeah! And, well, Capri and Naomi don’t have powers but they’re super great and playing-”

On an impulse, Capri stretched out her hand to the side, calling forth her weapon as Venti had shown her. To her satisfaction, Skyward Pride fell right into her hand, and she let it down on the carpeted floor with a satisfying thunk. Naomi mimicked her, pulling her much smaller blade out and flourishing it.

“-uh, playing up their new secret powers! That’s sick, when did you learn to summon weapons!?” Itul asked eagerly.

“Yesturday,” Naomi admitted. “We, um, we triggered…or…no…we got our Visions right after we left you.”

Cookie eyed all three of them with a look of disgust, especially Capri, for reasons that she could probably guess. There was that old saying: Europeans weren’t racist, until you mentioned Romani.

“You didn’t have to scuff my carpet, you know,” Cookie grumbled.

Capri blushed, and looked down to see she had indeed cut a chunk out of the floor. She hastily dismissed her sword. “Oh, uh, shit. Sorry.” Ok, maybe Cookie wasn’t racist, Capri was just a moron.

…Itul’s idiocy wasn’t contagious, right?

“It’s fine, this big idiot has done worse, and I imagine you managed to keep him alive when he ran off after I turned him down,” Cookie said with a long sigh, leaning back in her chair. “I was worried about you, you big lug.”

“Ah, it’s OK, bro! You’re ready to come out of retirement now, right!? We could totally be partners!” Itul said eagerly.

“No. I have a job, and a life. The last thing I need is to pick up that damn paperweight again and nearly get myself killed a second time. Besides, I’m busy with MEX,” Cookie said dismissively. “Now, about you, Braids. What’s your name?”

“I’m Venti, and this is Capri and Naomi. We’re the Tone Deaf Bards! But also, members of the Knights of Favonius! We’ve already recruited your friend the Red Oni, but we’re looking for individuals who wish to spread freedom and justice across the land!” Venti said, pulling out his harp and strumming a dramatic tune.

“What I want is to spread profits so me and my employees don’t starve to death. I’ve tried it, it sucks,” Cookie stated, then let out a blech and took another pull of her beer. “So, you’re, what do you call it? Nihongu jozu? Well that’s good. Because let me tell you: I have landed the guests of the freaking CENTURY.”

“Yeah, Sara says she’s coming!” Itul said excitedly.

“Oh, you saw my advertisements? Well, wait until you hear THIS.” Cookie pulled out a paper from within the stack, somehow knowing exactly what to look for despite the apparent chaos. “You know how Raiden’s doing her World Tour? Meeting with all the leaders and stuff? Well, she’s going to be in Berlin during MEX. Flies in on Friday right before we start.”

Itul’s eyes went wide. “No way! You’re going to have THE Mommy Thunder Thighs?!”

Venti let out a snort and then started coughing, as apparently his beer had gone up his nose. Cookie apparently didn’t notice, and Capri noted that the other woman’s eyes flashed. Normally, that was just an expression, but this time, she felt a spark and stir of energy that showed itself in Cookie’s pupils.

“Maybe. But you know I AM going to have? Someone arguably even better?” She turned the paper around, showing the familiar image of a young girl with a pet dragon and lightning sword.

“LIVE: THE INAZUMA NO HIMEI HERSELF, LIGHTNING PRINCESS AMI! ONLY AT MEX! 19-21ST OCTOBER!”

Itul stood up, knocking over his chair. “Holy shit, are you serious?!”

Cookie nodded, looking smug. “She called me, actually. Apparently, she’s coming with her mom. I need a translator because her German is nonexistent and her English isn’t very good either. She has her own personal translator, someone named Clara, but I want my own on staff to interface with the VIPs.”

“I can speak German and English,” Venti offered. He frowned. “Which language is English again?”

Cookie stared at him flatly. “<You’re fucking with me, right? I can tell if you can speak English, I went to Oxford. I have a master’s degree, moron.>”

“<Oh, this language? Hmm, I haven’t really spoken it in a while, but how’s my accent?>” Venti asked innocently.

“American, but that’s fine,” Cookie said with a shrug. “I’m mostly worried about the Japanese. Any other languages you’re good with? We mostly get German speakers but there’s plenty of people with other languages and it can make communicating confusing.”

“All of them?” Venti said with a shrug. “Last I checked, anyway.”

“You’re funny, but at least you’re cute.” Cookie turned to Capri and Naomi. “I’ll be straight with you: I don’t want cape trouble, but it wouldn’t hurt to have a couple of other capes on staff in case there IS cape trouble. I’ll give you 1.5x the standard rate for staff. You’re both hot, so you can be booth bunnies. How do you feel about cosplay?”

“She was in theater,” Capri said, pointing to Naomi. “I don’t do dress up.”

“Oh, come on Capri, some of those costumes look cute!” Naomi burbled. She batted her eyes. “Besides, I’d love to see you in a sexy outfit.”

Capri blushed, but sighed. “Fine. I’m just not cosplaying as something tacky.”

“Hmm. We’ll find something. You’re a band too? How good are they, Itul? Never mind, you listen to that idol crap.”

“Hey!” Itul protested, but Cookie had already moved on.

“I can probably use you at some point for that, I’ll pay a fair rate, don’t worry. Right, I’ve got contracts around here somewhere. Just don’t bring any cape bullshit to MEX. That goes double for you, knucklehead.”

Itul looked wounded, but they shortly had a contract for not half bad pay, and Capri walked out of Fantastic Days feeling much better about life than she had going in.

“I think Cookie’s a cape,” she told the others once they were back at the van, which was parked in a vacant lot on the edge of the city. “I could feel… I guess it’s Electro? Coming off of her.”

“Her Vision was in her desk,” Venti confirmed. “I smell a story there! But I’m more interested in Raiden potentially being here. I’d like to have a talk with her, see what she knows.”

“Why did you call her Beezlebub?” Naomi asked curiously. “Is it the same as you being Barbatos?”

“Beezlebul, actually, but yes. That’s her divine name. Raiden’s just a title, much like I’m the Poet Laureate of Mondstadt,” Venti agreed.

“Cool, but I take it we’re not just kicking it until Thursday when we help set up,” Capri said. “What’s the plan?”

“Well, I want to learn more about our enemies. Turns out, there’s a lab here! I’ve been listening in all day, and the Gesellschaft have some interesting things to say about it,” Venti said. Then he pulled out three domino masks and three sets of spandex. “How do you feel about becoming burglars?”

Capri grinned and rubbed her hands, small sparks flying off as she did so. “Just fine and dandy. When do we start?”

The Second Archon War, Carmen Dei 6

Beta’d and edited by Dr_Feelgood, The Grand Cogitator, Yae Miko, and Philosophysics

The grass rippled in the wind, and Naomi closed her eyes, listening to the wind blowing through the branches of the trees nearby. No, she wasn’t listening to the wind. She could feel it now, calling to her. At her side, she felt her Vision pulse with power and life, the winds within it echoing in her soul. Smiling, she opened her eyes and gazed out at the world around her.

Hirschwald National Park was a place of natural beauty, where wildflowers swayed in the breeze. To her left laid the small hamlet of Hohenburg, just now waking in the early morning light. To her left the forest extended for miles and miles up into the low hills. Around here were the worn ruins of an ancient castle. She didn’t know much about it, but she was curious. She’d liked studying history, especially when she’d been in school.

Capri was leaning on the ruins, sipping coffee from a thermos and looking up at the sky, where wisps of clouds stretched endlessly. They had come out here early enough that there were no hikers or tourists visible. The trees were all changing color, and Naomi shivered slightly in the chill breeze. It was more reflex than anything else: she felt as though her vision was protecting her from the elements.

Above her, Venti plucked away at his harp from atop the ruins. He probably shouldn’t climb atop them. But then again, since he was a god, did the rules really apply to him? Naomi wasn’t sure. She used to be rather bound by rules, but these days she tended to ignore them, even if she felt a pang when she did so. Too many of them were designed by evil men to bind people instead of help them.

“It’s a nice view,” Capri said, glancing up at Venti. “But why are we here again?”

“Why, training! Not for you though, sorry. This is mostly for Naomi. This is a place of the Winds, a place that is full of Anemo Energy. Can’t you feel it?” Venti said, still playing softly, though his tune began to pick up, becoming more stirring and energetic.

“I can,” Naomi admitted, closing her eyes again and lifting her hands above her head while going On Pointe. She was wearing hiking boots, not dancing slippers, but the winds wrapped themselves about her, and she slowly dipped, drawing the winds to herself with her hands. She giggled and opened her eyes. “It feels incredible!

“Good! I can see that dancing has a deep connection to your soul. Try dancing with the wind, and drawing it within you. See what you can command the winds to do,” Venti urged.

Naomi nodded but frowned slightly. “I don’t know that I can command the wind to do anything. Ask it, maybe, or guide it…but commanding it seems wrong.”

“Ah ha! Well, we can skip ahead to the advanced lessons if you’ve already figured that out!” Venti laughed, playing a merry tune on his harp.

Closing her eyes once more, Naomi began to dance once more. She drew the winds about her, and they seemed to crystalize. When she opened her eyes, she found that a swirling barrier of green blew about her, slightly obscuring her vision. She gasped, and the barrier blew away, but Venti nodded.

“Good! You can call the winds to protect you. A shield is one of the most basic uses of a Vision,” Venti coached.

“That’s pretty cool,” Capri said, nodding. “Can I do that? I think I’ve seen capes with an Electro Vision pull the same thing.”

Venti had explained that Visions came in seven flavors, and had been interested to learn that neither Capri nor Naomi had the slightest idea about that. He hadn’t told them what the other kinds were, saying they were a “surprise for later.” But he’d been firm that Capri had an Electro Vision, and not the cape powers that people like Itul or Alexandria had.

“More or less. There are a few basic forms that every vision holder can use,” Venti said, hopping down and putting his harp into its case, then setting it aside. He raised a hand, and the winds formed a barrier about him, much thicker than Naomi’s. She didn’t get the sense he was showing off, just that the wind delighted to hear his call.

“A shield to protect you is the one I think most people should learn first. You can make barriers for yourself and others, and it’s instinctive. The kinds of barriers change; Anemo shields tend to focus on redirection, while electro barriers harm those that strike them.”

The shield around Venti vanished, and he held up his hands, a glowing green breeze swirling around them. “Any Vision can be used to heal. Anemo tends to soothe and bind together wounds, and is one of the elements most suited to healing, hydro being the easiest. But Electro can knit wounds and reshape flesh, it just tends to hurt, so be careful!”

Next Venti picked up a stick and then assumed a fencing stance, one hand in the air, the stick held out before him. He jabbed a few times, and the wind wrapped around the stick, sending out gusts as he struck. “The second is to infuse objects, usually weapons, but not always. I infuse a little Anemo into my instruments so that they can carry further. A natural…what do you call it? An amp?  Yes, that! Anemo infusion can do a lot of useful things, and Anemo interacts with five of the six other elements to cause a reaction called Swirl, so be careful. It will react with natural sources of elemental energy as well.”

“Really? We can use our Visions together?” Naomi asked curiously.

“What other natural sources?” Capri demanded, narrowing her eyes at Venti.

“Ah! You’ll have to learn that for yourselves! It will be fun!” Venti laughed. “But yes, you can Swirl Electro. It spreads Electro and the Anemo gains the properties of it as you guide the winds.”

Dropping the stick, Venti cupped his hands together, holding them down at his waist. A green ball of wind formed there, and a moment later, Venti let it loose. It slammed into the ruins, sending up some chips of mortar and stone. “You can also fire projectiles of Anemo! It helps to have a catalyst when you do it, some sort of focusing tool. I’ll make you both one, though we have to figure out what sort of weapon you’d both like to use.”

“I, ah, I took fencing lessons,” Naomi admitted.

Capri snorted. “Of course you did.”

“It was just for a little while! Mostly to help with my balance and speed,” Naomi said defensively.

“Hmm. I have something around here, somewhere,” Venti muttered. He patted himself down for a moment, then shook out the sleeves of his green jacket. Then he reached one hand into his left sleeve, and drew out a sword like it was a magic trick.

Naomi grinned and clapped, while Capri blinked in shock. “Wait, you had that the entire time!?”

“I just forgot about it!” Venti said with a shrug and a grin. He flourished the sword, holding it up in a salute.

It didn’t look like any sword that Naomi had ever seen before, more like tinker tech than a historical blade. The hilt and guard were made of a coppery metal, though Naomi didn’t think it was actually copper, as the color was slightly off. From the pommel extended short wings of glowing bluish-green metal, and the blade was made of the same, some 70cm long. The blade tapered to a point and had an Anemo crest at the base of the blade. Venti held it out to her, and Naomi took it, holding the blade in her hand.

As she ran her hand along the blade, she gasped. She could feel the winds within the blade, and when she reached out to it, could feel the winds around her even more strongly. It hummed with power and yearned for freedom. It even began to glow in her hands.

“It’s…alive?” Naomi asked, looking up at Venti.

“Hmm, to a degree, I suppose. That is the Skyward Blade, crafted from the blood of a friend of mine, Dvalin.”

“The dragon?” Capri asked, her eyebrows shooting up.

“Oh, I’m so sorry! I thought…I thought you saved Dvalin!” Naomi gasped, feeling horror touch her heart.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to give the wrong impression! Yes, last I saw him, Dvalin was fine! But his blood contained power, and this is one of the five weapons I forged with it, to help keep Mondstadt safe. I was going to give it to Lumine, but she was really attached to that Dull Blade of hers for some reason.”

“I’ll treasure it forever,” Naomi promised and swung the sword experimentally. The winds answered her call, rushing about her.

“Alright, you said five. The bow is yours I guess, so what’s for me?” Capri demanded.

“Pushy, pushy!” Venti laughed.

“Hey, she got a sword, I want a sword. We’re knights, right? Knights have swords,” Capri said, folding her arms over her chest.

“True, true! Well, I do have another sword, but…”

“No butts. Lemme see it,” Capri demanded.

“Capri…he is an angel,” Naomi chided. She had decided that Venti wasn’t the Lord, and also wasn’t a God. An angel, however, was perfectly acceptable. And Venti could be nice or terrifying, just like a messenger from Heaven.

“It’s fine, it’s fine! I do warn you though, this one is a bit bigger.” Venti stuck his tongue out of the corner of his mouth and bit it. He reached behind himself and staggered slightly. A moment later, he drew out a massive two-handed sword that was so comically oversized that both Naomi and Capri gaped. This blade was well over a meter long, and wider than Naomi’s hand. It too had a guard that looked like a wing and was made of the same glowing metal.

“Oh,” Capri breathed as Venti slammed the sword into the ground. He stepped back and motioned to it, and Capri took a step forward. She put a hand on the hilt, and grunted as she tried to draw it out. “It’s stuck!”

“It can only be wielded by one of Vision. Call upon yours,” Venti advised.

Seizing the sword with both hands, Capri gritted her teeth and yanked, hard, as her vision glowed. The blade crackled with Electro, and she jerked it free, holding it aloft with one hand.

“I HAVE THE POWER!” Capri thundered, and a lightning bolt actually came down out of the blue and slammed into her. She was unharmed, though obviously shocked, her hair standing slightly on end.

Naomi giggled and leaned in to kiss Capri. “You are such a dork.”

“I-I am not!” Capri blustered, jerking away and looking sideways.

“Sure. Prince Adam,” Naomi teased.

“Oh. Uh, you saw that one too, huh?”

“I can’t help but feel I’m missing some context here,” Venti mused.

Capri flipped him off, then pulled Naomi into a kiss. That one lasted substantially longer, and Naomi felt her heart racing. She had never felt more alive than she did now, with her sword in one hand, and her lover in her other arm, their Visions pulsing at their sides like second hearts.

When they broke apart, Venti gave them some vague basic pointers on swordplay, but then had them use the weapons as focuses. Naomi called the winds, and Capri the lightning, both of them feeling their power through their weapons.

“Good, good. Focus. Let it build in you. A swirling vortex of power. A little to the right. No, more right. There. Now. Channel all your power, all your ambitions, all your anger at those damn nazi bastards and let it loose!” Venti commanded.

With a cry, Naomi and Capri both let their power build, then set it loose. To Naomi’s horror, a tornado formed, glowing with green and purple power, then setting off towards a valley below them. She saw with horror a camp with several log cabins in the storm's path, a few people suddenly turning towards them in the distance.

“Venti! Venti, what do we do!? How do we stop it!?” Capri demanded frantically.

“Stop it? Why ever would we do that?” Venti asked innocently, batting his eyelashes in a very inappropriate fashion.

“Those poor people!” Naomi cried, pointing as the tornado raged towards the camp, uprooting small trees and blasting the ground with lightning. “We have to help them!”

“Do we?” Venti asked, shading his eyes and blinking. “That’s funny. Can you see the flag in the middle of their camp?”

“Why do we…” Naomi trailed off. The flag was red. She squinted her eyes, and to her surprise, the winds formed a sort of lens before her. The flag jumped into sharp focus, and her blood boiled with realization.

“You insane little maniac, stop it!” Capri shouted, shaking Venti.

“No,” Naomi said coldly. “Actually, could we make it stronger?”

Capri paused, then turned back to her, though she didn’t let go of Venti. “What?”

“That’s a Nazi flag,” Naomi growled. “I can see the swastika.”

“It’s the Gesellschaft Executive Retreat,” Venti said innocently. “I heard them talking about it.”

“You did? How?” Naomi asked, baffled. “When?”

“Oh, they’re in Bavaria. I can hear the winds throughout most of the province now. My range is still more limited than I’m used to, but it gets wider every day,” Venti said with a shrug. “I heard them making plans to ‘Finish the Final Solution.’”

“Well, fuck those guys,” Capri growled. She grinned. “I guess we did, didn’t we?”

“Yep! Though we should leave. There are some…not vision holders…capes? Yes. There’s some capes down there, and it’s really too early for a fight. One of them is named Allfather. Ever heard of him?”

Naomi and Capri exchanged horrified glances. They gripped their weapons, then grabbed Venti and started running.

“He’s one of the Gesellschaft’s most powerful capes!” Capri said as they sprinted. “He can make swords, hundreds of them at once, and throw them at people! What is he even doing here?! He’s supposed to be in North America!”

“Yeah, we are so not ready to fight him,” Naomi agreed as they ran back down the trail. She dropped her sword, and swore, only to blink. It vanished, turning to green mist before her eyes.

“They’re designed for Vision holders, they’ll vanish into your Visions until you call them,” Venti explained.

Capri tossed down her sword, and it too vanished as they hurried back to their van.

Naomi just hoped they hadn’t drawn the wrath of the Gesellschaft before they were ready. And also that they’d torn down that stupid Nazi flag.

Sitting on the back of an ambulance, Richard grunted as the EMT finished swathing his arm in bandages. He had a splinter the size of his thumb embedded there, and he was one of the luckier ones. There were many injuries, but somehow, no deaths as the storm had ripped through the camp. Richard had been in bed, and had only had time to throw himself over his grandson and hide under the bed as the cabin was ripped apart around them.

He looked over at Theo, who was being checked now that the severe injuries had been dealt with. The boy was fine, thankfully. It would have been far too much if he’d had to call Max and Heith and tell them their son was killed in the old country.

The medical tech nodded to Richard. “You’re done, sir.”

“My thanks,” Richard said in his best German, then went over to comfort the still traumatized Theo. The little boy cried for a bit, and Richard tried not to feel disappointed. He’d seen death this day and was frightened and still very young. He patted Theo on the head and told him it would be alright. This had been supposed to be a relaxing and fun vacation in the Old Country, not a training experience.

After Theo was calmed and sleeping curled up on the bench next to Richard, the seat creaked, and he turned to see a man with a bandage wrapped around his head. His brown hair was fading to grey, and his topee was missing, showing his bald pate. Despite his middle age, Walter von Solf was still a powerfully built man with broad shoulders and large hands. And despite it all, he was wearing a rumpled gray suit. Known as Red Lotus, he was the head of the Gesellschaft, and Richard waited quietly for his Führer to speak.

“It was the Jews. I am certain of it,” Walter growled, forming a fist with one of his hands.

Richard nodded. “Of course. A tornado? In Bavaria? One that spits lightning? It was either them or the homosexuals.”

“All the more reason to finish the Final Solution,” Walter declared. “We will seek out this menace. I apologize: Our brothers in America are our honored guests. And here you have seen our weakness.”

“There is yet time to see your strength,” Richard said, rolling his own shoulders. “The time to peel back the veil and seize power from these soft-hearted fools and their pet dogs in the Meisters is nigh.”

Walter nodded. “I will find whoever did this, and put their heads on a platter.” He smiled down at Theo. “It is for pure-blooded Aryan stock such as your grandson that we must build this future together, Richard.”

Walter stood, then walked over and picked up the proud flag of the Reich from the mud where it had been, and held it up. “These colors do not run!”

Nodding, Richard stood and applauded, then spoke. “I will send my grandson back to his parents. I shall remain in the fatherland until the fools who dared harm him are destroyed utterly.”

“Perhaps I can help with that, gentlemen.”

They both turned to see a young woman picking her way through the rubble of the camp. She was dressed in a rather stylish outfit that Richard vaguely recognized as some sort of military uniform. He glanced at Walter, but the other man showed no signs of recognition.

“And who are you?” Walter demanded.

The woman came to a halt and saluted, holding her arm up. “Heil Hitler!”

Richard rolled his eyes. Walter grimaced. “Hitler was an inferior man who failed. I will not. Give your message, girl.”

The young woman looked wounded, lowering her arm, but she spoke. “I am known as Stuka. Two days ago, I battled against a den of untermensch capes. One of them showed the same powers that vilely ambushed you here.”

Walter’s eyebrows rose. “Oh? What was their name.”

“Venti Luft.”

A slow grin spread over Richard’s face. “Well. Then the Allfather has heard the name of one to send his valkyries after.”

This Venti thought he could attack the Master Race, the Gesellschaft, with impunity? Richard would kill the fool himself.

Then give his head to his grandson as a Christmas present.

Taking a long drag on his cigarette, Nikos watched the front of the hotel. Beside him, Angela sat patiently in the driver’s seat, waiting for his orders like the obedient servant she was. He leaned his hand out of the window and tapped the cigarette, watching around him behind his shades. There was quite a crowd here, and a number of rather attractive women. Some of them were even dressed up as his target. But he didn’t reach out to claim them. He was here for just one prize.

“Any sign of movement?” he drawled lazily, taking another drag.

“No,” Cleo said from the back seat, peering out with her binoculars. She was Angela’s daughter. Sixteen, and very pretty. He’d had them both together more than once. That was spicy at first, but it lost its luster. He wanted a real prize now. Making mortal women beg for him was one thing.

But what about one that called herself a god?

Nikos sighed again and leaned back, closing his eyes. He was taking a bit of a risk, coming out in the open like this, but they were outside the security cordon, and far from the only people who had come out to see an Endslayer. And, well, the star of several popular new television series. Nikos wasn’t normally a fan of such things, but when he’d seen Raiden, well. He knew what the prize of his collection would be.

He went through two more cigarettes before his phone buzzed. He checked it, a text from Monica on the inside.

She’s coming.

He smiled and opened the car door, standing up and leaning on it. Cleo and Angela got out of the car as well, and Cleo passed Nikos her binoculars. He couldn’t use his power through them, it only counted if he could lay eyes on someone directly, but he took them anyway.

A few minutes later, the Japanese delegation started to leave the hotel. It was painfully obvious who they were in their ridiculous pajama outfits. Japan had once been a civilized nation, and now they’d gone back to being a bunch of monkeys. The security were even carrying swords of all things. Oh well. That just made Nikos’ job easier.

Then, then prize. In those same purple pajamas she always wore. Nikos focused on her, and grinned. She was a hundred meters away, but he could still use his powers. He focused, and began to tug on her emotions. She would be-

Her eyes snapped to his own, and he smiled. That was easy. She was already his. Soon, he’d have her bring him and his harem to Japan, and assume his role as the new-

There was a crash of thunder, and a purple eye appeared before Nikos. He only had time to swear before a portal opened and Raiden darted through. That was fine. He would just tug on her emotions and-

The sword cleaved through Nikos’ head, and he wet himself. He thought he was dead for sure as a stone faced avenging goddess roared out of the portal, sword first. He crashed to the ground as Cleo and Angela screamed, falling to the ground and clutching at their heads.

For a moment, Nikos just sat there on his ass, frozen. He was certain his head had been chopped off. There was pain, and he could feel something had been torn. But once he didn’t suddenly die, he slowly reached up, touching his face, then feeling around his head. Had she missed? Pulled her blow at the last second? He must have seized control. He turned to look up at Raiden, who was sheathing her sword and looking down at him with contempt.

“So. You are the one they call ‘Heartbreaker.’ The Shuumatsuban warned me of you,” Raiden said, her tone icy and wooden.

Grimacing, Nikos stood. “That’s right. But you can call me ‘Master’ now.” He reached out with his powers, and then gasped in pain.

They were gone. That connection he’d had, that sense of others feelings, and his ability to tug on them, to manipulate them, to claim women as his rightful prize was-

“YOU BASTARD!” Angela roared, and punched Nikos in the jaw. He spun about and hit the ground again, hard. He tasted blood, and grunted in pain.

“What are you doing?!” he spat. “How dare you strike your master!”

Something caught him in the jaw, and his head jerked back. He saw stars, and then looked up to see Cleo, tears streaming down her face.

“You…you RAPED me! You made me- with my MOM!” she turned and vomited, but Angela was reaching under her jacket. Nikos’ eyes went wide.

“You bastard!” Angela snarled, and drew the pistol Nikos had given her.

“Don’t!” Nikos gasped, and tried to manipulate her emotions again. Nothing.

The gun barked once, and Nikos screamed in pain. His belly was on fire, and he looked down in horror. He’d been shot in the left abdomen! Angela, Angela had actually SHOT him!? But she was his!

“It’s OK, it’s OK sweetie, I’m sorry. Mommy’s going to make it right,” Angela said, tears streaming down her face. She put the gun to her own head. Good. The bitch.

There was another flash of lightning, and the gun parted in half. Angela jerked, and Raiden stepped forward. “Do not take your own life. To do so is to abandon the precepts of Eternity. This dog manipulated you, and shall face justice. But do not take your own life.”

“But…but I…” Angela broke down weeping, and Cleo came over, clinging to her mother. Both women were helpless, useless.

Nikos began to crawl away, bloody hands scrabbling on the asphalt. He could rebuild. Get away like he always did. His children, his wives, they would save him. Boots crunched, and he saw the pant legs of a police officer. His blood ran cold, until he looked up. It was Rebecca! She was his! Had been for years! She wasn’t the prettiest, but as a police sergeant in Ottawa, she was an invaluable resource.

“Help me,” he panted, looking up into Rebecca’s eyes. But he saw nothing but rage there.

“You made me betray my oaths. My husband. I bore your child, Edward. And then you killed Eddy,” Rebbeca said, her tone dull, lifeless, cold. She drew her weapon, and Nikos’ eyes went wide.

“Burn in hell, you son of a bitch.”

Nikos tried to scream. The last thing he saw was the muzzle flash.

It was over far faster than he deserved.

Bursting out of the bathroom, Alexandria flew right through a window, then homed in on the scene where things were already boiling out of control. There was blood on the ground, and crying women, and Canadian capes surging forward. Mushu was bellowing in anger, already ten feet tall and breathing lightning as he shouted. Canadian police and officials clashed with the Japanese delegation, and all was chaos.

At the center of it all stood a serene woman, standing protectively over a weeping police woman, a gun on the ground. There was the body of a man there, his brains splattered on the sidewalk. Alexandria decided on her target, and made to land.

“FUCKU OFF!” Mushu roared, growing increasingly inhuman and ever larger as he bared his fangs at Alexandria. His English was broken, but his intent was clear.

“Listen to me! I have to know what happened! Who’s the casualty!?” Alexandria demanded. She had just been here as an observer, as Rebecca Costa-Brown, PRT Director. This had all gone to shit when Raiden had teleported across the street and shots rang out. She needed to know what had happened.

“HE ATTACKU MY MISTRESSO,” Mushu rumbled, his clothes shredding as he began to hover up into the air. “HE DIE. FUCKU HIM.”

Diving past the snapping jaws of the dragon, Alexandra landed, then flipped the man over. Her breath caught. She knew this man.  She held up a hand to the dragon. “Peace. It’s fine. It’s good he’s dead.”

Holy shit. That was Nikos Vasil. Heartbreaker. One of the most dangerous and wanted Masters in North America. Maybe the world. He’d been here? Oh hell. If he’d been after Raiden...

Desperately, Alexandria turned to Raiden, who was standing there, calmly, apparently unperturbed by the firestorm she’d unleashed. “Did he get you?”

It was a stupid question to ask. Vasil’s puppets never broke, no matter what, unless there was a powerful Trump and several psychologists working on them.

“This fool attempted to attack my spirit. I destroyed his Parasite and cleansed its influence from these women,” Raiden answered, her tone ice cold. Lightning flashed in her eyes, and Alexandria saw the same fury she had seen that day only two years before.

Only…no. There was something…off. Something wrong. But now wasn’t the time.

“I’ll handle this,” Alexandria said, and took off. She found a Guild cape hovering above them, Grumman, and hastily explained the situation to the young cape.

“Holy shit, Heartbreaker!? He put the whammy on Raiden?”

“He tried, she stopped it, took him out,” Alexandria explained hastily. “Get everyone to stand down.”

“Right, sure. Fuck me. Heartbreaker? This is a fucking mess.”

The Canadians backed off, and the Japanese consolidated around Raiden. Alexandria took a deep breath, feeling a bit of calm. This was not the sort of International Incident they needed. Raiden was a maniac and a menace, but her putting down Heartbreaker was some good, at least. She was about to land, when a gasp went up from the crowd.

“What now!?” Alexandria growled, turning. She heard the sonic boom, and her heart sank.

A golden figure appeared, hovering above her, above the battlefield. People relaxed at seeing Scion’s arrival, thinking their hero was here to save them. Dread filled Alexandria’s heart. Why? Why was he here? What was going on?

“SENTEI! TO ARMS!” Raiden bellowed, and drew her sword from..her boobs? That was new.

Mushu exploded into a thunderstorm, growing from fifteen meters long to well over a hundred. Storm clouds gathered around him as the dragon roared in anger, coiling himself about Raiden protectively. Japanese capes drew their weapons, despite having them sheathed before, looking confused and half panicked. Raiden jumped into the air, zipping up to Alexandria’s altitude in a moment.

“Stand down, mortal. This is a matter for gods,” Raiden said, and then once more put herself between Alexandria and Scion, blade in hand.

The golden god regarded Raiden, nonplused. There was no one else around, the Canadian capes were backing off at Grumman’s urging, and Mushu was hovering over the Japanese capes and officials like a protective mother hen.

“Sustainer! Your Parasite has violated the peace, and attempted to seize control of this vessel,” Raiden called. “My mother did not violate your truce and leave her lands. Why then send your creatures to assault me?”

Scion, of course, did not respond. He just eyed Raiden for a long moment. Alexandria’s heart pounded in her chest. What was going on?

Then, to Alexandria’s horror and amazement, Scion spoke. His voice was raspy and raw, like a rusty hinge that never saw use. “Do not attempt to interfere with the Cycle again.”

“Attack me not, and I shall not. But if your Parasites assail me, I shall defend myself and my people,” Raiden declared.

Scion looked down on Raiden blankly for a moment. Then nodded once. He turned, and was gone in another sonic boom.

Raiden nodded, and sheathed her sword. In her breasts. How did that even work? She turned to Alexandria. “Speak not of this, mortal. The matters of gods are not for your ears.”

Then, she knew. Alexandria knew what was different. Before she could stop herself, she blurted, “You’re not her. You’re not Raiden.”

The cold lips frowned. And Alexandria knew fear once more.

Legend of Galactic Zeroes, Chapter 20

Commissioned by Shaderic

Beta’d and edited by The Grand Cogitator and Dr_Feelgood

The ice moon of Alcanrettia shone brighter than any heavenly body Kazuma had ever seen before, except perhaps for a naked Darkness. At first, Kazuma marveled at the pristine natural beauty of the moon, but much like Darkness, once you got closer to it and got to know Alcanretia better it lost its luster. And also seemed a lot more fun.

“So, this place is pretty boring, I assume?” Kazuma said, sidling up to Yunyun.

She eyed him out of the corner of her eye, but kept facing the display. “Um, y-you haven’t been to Alcanrettia before, h-have you?”

“Nah. We were new to the system before you guys kidnapped us and stole our ship,” Kazuma said with a shrug.

“Oh. Um, yeah. S-sorry,” Yunyun muttered, still eyeing Kazuma sideways.

Shit. Hadn’t he been supposed to apologize to her? He glazed at Chris, who was rolling her eyes at him. Yeah, he should probably do that.

“Eh, it’s fine. That’s how I met Megumin. We’re, uh, together now, and stuff.”

Yunyun bit her lip and jerked a hasty nod, her eyes glistening.

“So, uh, sorry if you thought I was hitting on you. I think Megumin’s cuter,” Kazuma said.

“I know!” Yunyun wailed, and ran off the bridge, leaving Kazuma standing there awkwardly.

“Smooth,” Chris told him, coming beside him, looking torn between amusement and chastisement. “I can see how you have so many ladies lining up to fuse with you.”

“Hey, you’re sleeping with me too!” Kazuma shot back, then sighed. “But I guess I sort of blew it there…”

“Next time you're apologizing to a girl, don’t compare her to another one. And don’t try again just yet. Just tell her you’re an idiot and you didn’t mean to fuse with her,” Chris told Kazuma.

“Yeah, I guess, I- hold up, is that a giant neon sign?”

Kazuma pointed out the viewport as an absolutely enormous and incredibly tacky neon sign came into view. It had a sort of animated picture of a woman wearing stockings and a jacket kicking her leg up and down, one section of the sign lightning up at a time to give the illusion of motion. The words on the sign read “ICE COLD WATER, HOT BABES, VACANCY, NEXT STOP.”

For a long moment Kazuma and Chris just stared out the window, their mouths hanging open slightly as the neon lights blinked at them. At last, Kazuma shook his head. “Did…did you see that?”

“I, uh…yeah. That’s the first time I’ve seen a tacky truckstop sign in outer space,” Chris admitted. “How’d they even get it into position for us to even see it? I mean, the odds of us just happening to fly by it have to be astronomical…huh…there’s another one…”

They watched as another large sign floated into view. This one had an animated skier jumping off a slope and flashed “ICE COLD BEER 24/7” to the world at large.

“OK, wouldn’t it be cheaper and easier to like…have a drone with a hologram or something?” Kazuma asked.

“Yeah…I guess? It’s kinda odd,” Chris agreed.

When the third sign appeared, this one advertising the “Arcanretia Adult Video Store” Kazuma had several questions. The most important one of which was-

“We should check it out,” Chris mused, answering Kazuma’s most urgent inquiry. “I wonder if they have any interesting toys for sale.”

“Toys?” Kazuma asked, his heart skipping a beat.

Chris patted him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, I won’t hesitate to corrupt all of you. Well, myself too. I had to stay uncorrupted for millennia and it got really old. I’m ready to cut loose!”

“That still doesn’t explain how they got these giant tacky signs into space,” Kazuma said with a shake of his head.

Chris opened her mouth, shut it, then shrugged. “Some things are best left unanswered.”

As they got closer to the planet, Kazuma saw that most of the surface was endless snowfields, with only a thin band of green near the equator. Slowly, Kazuma was able to pick out the settlement they were headed for. It didn’t look all that large, though Kazuma did use the instruments to scan the place. An informational bubble popped up, and Kazuma almost tapped it.

‘N-no! Don’t!” Yunyun wailed, rushing back onto the bridge.

“Huh? Why not?” Kazuma asked, hesitating for a moment. Then he took a second look at what it said. “SUCCUBUS CAFE LIVE NUDE GIRLS.” He frantically began to click on it before Yunyun could stop him.

Instantly every screen was filled with lewd images of girls dancing on a stage in scanty outfits. At least, that’s what Kazuma thought it was. The images were all so incredibly pixelated that it was sort of hard to tell exactly what they were. He couldn’t really pay too close attention though, as every speaker in the ship began to blare at once.

“500 CREDIT BEER DURING HAPPY HOUR AT THE ALCANRETTIA BAR!”

“SEXY GIRLS AND LAPS DANCES FROM ONLY 2000 CREDITS EACH!”

“THE SLOPES ARE ICY BUT THE SKIING IS HOT, RENT YOUR SKIS FROM ZESTA’S SKI SHOP!”

“HOT POT MEALS AND SPICY CURRY AT CECILY’S BAR AND GRILL FROM ONLY 1000 CREDITS!”

It was all jumbled together and garbled as the blurry ads flashed and blared.

“Why d-did you DO that?!” Yunyun wailed, and shoved Kazuma out of the way. “It’s going to-”

Suddenly, the ads stopped playing. No more nightmarishly blaring sales pitches, no more pixelated videos. Unfortunately, that was because the power cut out.

“-overload the system. O-oh no…B-brace for impact!” Yunyun shouted, buckling herself into her seat.

“Seriously!? One spam ad crashes your whole system!? Who built this ship!?” Kazuma demanded as he desperately buckled in.

“You know who,” Chris told him. “And what kind of idiot clicks on links like that?! You had to know it was going to put a virus on our ship!”

“The only reason I did it first is because you were too slow,” Kazuma told Chris.

She blushed. “S-shut up! I’m smarter than that! I know a bad link when I-”

Their argument was interrupted by the Axis Queen slapping into the side of a mountain. Fortunately, the mountain was covered in a thick layer of snow and ice, and impacted at an oblique angle. The ship skipped off, then plowed into another slope. It began to slide down, across a glacier, then up another cliff and off it, before landing belly down in another snowy plain and skidding across it. The Axis Queen finally came to a shuddering halt.

“Well, that wasn’t so bad,” Kazuma said, looking around. “How’s the damage?”

“Quick!” Yunyun cried, unbuckling and flinging herself towards the door. “W-we have to act fast before they try to board!”

“They?” Kazuma said, but Chris was already pounding after Yunyun. He sighed and hurried after her, muttering under his breath that a man could only be expected to fight for his life so many times per day.

He rounded the corner and slammed right into someone coming the other way, sending both of them tumbling to the ground. Kazuma ended up on top, and when he realized where he was, he found he was laying head down on a strange woman’s breasts. He blinked and looked up, and found a wide eyed blonde woman he hadn’t seen before. She was wearing cold weather gear, and there was a bit of snow on it as if she’d already been outside to check on what was happening.

“If you’re expecting an apology, I’m not going to give you one,” Kazuma said, levering himself up and glaring down at the woman. “And if you think you can slap me around just because I tripped onto you and accidentally got a face full, I’ll have you know that I believe in True Gender Equality, and I’ll slap you right back!”

“Uh, that’s OK, I wasn’t going to slap you anyway,” the woman promised, hastily scrambling to her own feet and brushing herself off.

“Good, come on, we’re supposed to check the airlocks or something, and you look readier to go outside than I am in just a jumpsuit,” Kazuma ordered, grabbing the woman’s arm and dragging her along. Despite the fact that it was fairly warm in the ship, she hastily raised her hood and followed along after him.

“So, are there a lot of cute girls on this ship?” the stranger asked somewhat breathlessly.

“What? I mean, yeah, I guess, but no poaching one of mine,” Kazuma snapped, and came to a stop as Megumin and Darkness spilled out into the corridor. They were both dressed in heavy winter clothes as well, with Megumin wearing an adorable white poncho with little pointed ears and a cat face on the top, while Darkness was wearing a thick sweater that showed off her puppies along with leggings.

“Like those two. Mine, no touching,” Kazuma told the woman.

“It’s more like you belong to us, so get your hands off of Kazuma you blonde homewrecker,” Megumin growled, stalking over. Kazuma hastily dropped the woman’s arm, though Megumin’s ire didn’t lessen.

“Don’t worry, you’re more in my strike zone than he is!” the woman said cheerfully, pushing past Kazuma and grinning down at Megumin. “You don’t happen to need an ID to get into bars, do you, sweetie?”

“I am 18 years old, thank you very much! Which is the legal drinking age of reasonable countries everywhere,” Megumin snapped, standing on her tiptoes to glare up at the woman.

“Megumin is with me,” Darkness said, inserting herself between the two of them.

“Hmm, you are tall, blonde, and gorgeous, but you’re not really my type,” the other woman said, then produced a business card. “But I do have coupons to a variety of stores that might interest you!”

“I have no- '' Darkness began, but then the business card unfolded down, showing off a variety of advertisements for a number of questionable businesses, and Darkness’ jaw dropped. A bit of drool started to leak out of her mouth, and she trembled slightly.

Kazuma leaned over, saw just what was on the cards, and his own eyes lit up. “We’ll take two!”

“We do not need this ‘XXX Toys!’ Why are you both falling for this obvious trap?” Megumin demanded. “We should- is that a Vulcan III kinetic fusion cannon?”

“Yep! Sold only at the Maximally Effective Mercenary Emporium! Sign up now for my platinum level membership program and you can get a buy two get one free deal!” the woman promised.

Darkness, Kazuma, and Megumin were all filling out the application forms (using Darkness’ credit information as Kazuma and Megumin were both essentially destitute without their sugar momma) when Chris and Yunyun found them.

“We’ve sealed all the hatches, I don’t think anyone got in,” Chris was saying, then she paused. “What are you three doing?”

“They have a full line of whips and chains!” Darkness told her eagerly, holding up one of the coupon books.

“Full Dive VR, Chris! They have a Full Dive VR parlor with whatever experience you want! Not just the porn stuff, you can actually go into SAO and explain to Kiaba Akihiko what a stupid ass design for his game he used!” Kazuma said excitedly.

“I have been needing new materials to further upgrade the Wave Motion Explosion Cannon, and they have both brand new kinetic fusion reactors and a Polarity Reverser!” Megumin babbled, pointing to a picture of several experimental prototypes that the coupon book purported to offer deals on.

“W-we should be secure,” Yunyun said, coming around the corner. “We- INTRUDER! SEIZE HER IMMEDIATELY!’

“Whoops! Gotta go kids!” the woman said, and dashed off with a whoop and Chris and Yunyun tore after her. “Look me up later, just ask for Sister Cecily and someone will hook you up!”

“W-wait! Does that mean I can’t buy…” Darkness trailed off as Cecily vanished down a side corridor.

Chris and Yunyun chased after the fleeing woman, though Chris did pause and turn to give the other three an “I’m Watching You” gesture before disappearing herself.

“Wow, THAT’S what you’re into?” Kazuma asked, peering at the coupons Darkness had pulled out for herself.

She blushed and tried to hide it, but Megumin grabbed it first and examined it. “Hmm. If you promise to purchase my shopping list, I will consent to use this with you.”

“R-really?” Darkness asked, brightening at the prospect.

Megumin nodded. “When I said I would do anything to perfect the Wave Motion Explosion Cannon, I meant it.” Darkness looked slightly crestfallen, but still eager. Then Megumin added, “Besides, simply slapping you would get boring. This should be much more interesting.”

Darkness vowed on the spot to purchase the entire weapons emporium for Megumin. Kazuma wondered what he could get if he tried some traditional Japanese rope play he’d heard about on her.

Fortunately for Cecily, she managed to escape before Chris and Yunyun found her. They weren’t able to figure out how she’d gotten onto the Axis Queen in the first place, but it turned out the ship had crashed not too far from Alchantrettia. The town, not the moon, because apparently, some people weren’t really creative when it came to names. This was fortunate, as Aqua was hopping mad and in need of supplies.

“Look what you did to my precious baby!” Aqua shouted as she pressed Kazuma’s face onto the cold metal of the ship near the damage. “Look at it, Kazuma! First the Crimson Pirate Clan defaced it with their stupid red paint job, and now you clicked on a pop up ad and ran us right into the moon! Don’t you have enough girlfriends to keep you busy now!?”

“It was an honest mistake, I promise!” Kazuma pleaded. “I won’t do it again!” Mostly because the good stuff had been so blurry he hadn’t really been able to tell what he was looking at.

“Hmph. You’d better not,” Aqua said, and let Kazuma go.

However, when Kazuma tried to stand up, he found his face was now stuck to the icy metal. “Ahhhh! You useless goddess! You know what happens when you touch bare skin to cold metal?! Quick, you have to pour hot water on me!”

“What? Why would I do that?!” Aqua tried to peel Kazuma off, only for him to scream and flail his arms. ‘AHHHHH! CHRIS, CHRIS HELP, KAZUMA’S STUCK!”

The other three girls came over and inspected Kazuma’s predicament. Megumin prodded him, and Kazuma groaned. “Well, I know one reliable way to get hot water to free him.”

“What?! No! Darkness might have that fetish, but I don’t! And that’s for jellyfish stings, not getting your face stuck to metal in a blizzard!” Kazuma protested.

“Would my face get stuck if I put it on the metal?” Darkness asked curiously. “Does it hurt? I have not been stung by a jellyfish either, but that does sound interesting…”

“I was just going to make tea, but now I think you’re all talking about something gross and perverted again,” Megumin grumbled.

Chris pulled out a thermos and poured it on Kazuma’s cheeks, causing him to yip in pain and jerk back as hot coffee almost burned his skin. “There you go. Stop being a big baby, it’s better than frostbite.”

“Could you pour some on me?” Darkness asked, glancing at the icy metal.

Chris took a sip from her thermos. “I’m not wasting good coffee on you like that. You can get your jollies later, Darkness. Right now we have a slight problem. What do you all know about Arcanretia?”

“It’s cold,” Kazuma answered immediately, rubbing at his face and glaring at Aqua.

“It has weapons!” Megumin responded, her eyes glowing slightly.

“T-they have a number of, um, interesting business establishments,” Darkness said. “And are our source of fresh water for our warships in this planetary system.”

“I like snow cones!” Aqua added, which didn’t really have anything to do with the subject at hand. “And making snowmen!”

“Well, you’re all right, but you miss the point. Arcanretia’s main function is that it’s basically a giant refueling port in space. Most of the ships that stop here are water haulers. And, well, big ports sort of have a reputation…”

“They have good beaches?” Aqua guessed. She looked around. “I don’t know if I want to wear a swimsuit though, it’s kinda cold for my bikini.”

Everyone took a moment to stare at Aqua, who blinked at them happily.

“...anyway, I was going to make a joke about ports being full of seamen, but I think the moment has passed,” Kazuma sighed.

Chris patted him on the shoulder. “That’s OK, Kazuma. I’m sure there’ll be time to get all those salty seamen of yours to set sail later.”

“I don’t get it,” Darkness whispered to Megumin. “There’s no oceans here, why would there be seamen? And this is freshwater, not salt.”

“Are you really so sheltered? Think about it for a moment. I will have you know, I was the first one to help them board, thus winning the race,” Megumin said smugly.

Darkness mouthed “seamen” a few times, then suddenly blushed. “Oh! I, uh, I am also very interested in Kazuma’s-”

“Horny later, problem now,” Chris urged. “Look, Arcanretia is a wretched hive.”

“Of scum and villainy?” Kazuma guessed, then slapped Chris’ raised palm.

“Yes! Anyway, more importantly, this is the grifter capital of the entire solar system. Just about everything here is designed to separate gullible idiots from their hard-earned wages. And since most of the people who visit here are bored and lonely seamen- yes, Darkness, both kinds -a lot of those businesses are of the less than savory sort.”

“So, you mean there’s a lot of illegal weapons labs here,” Megumin said, rubbing her palms together. It might have been for warmth, but Kazuma suspected it had more to do with some morally ambiguous scheming.

“A-and the other things? Are those illegal too?” Darkness asked, looking slightly crestfallen at the thought.

“Nope. Totally legal,” Kazuma assured her.

“Perverts,” Megumin muttered.

Chris patted her on the cheek. “Don’t worry Megs, I’ll play with you with some of them too.”

“I-I never said-” Megumin stammered, but trailed off into mutterings and blushes.

“Anyway, aside from you idiots falling prey to various scams, we have to make sure that the locals don’t try to cut off bits of the ship and cart it off. Don’t sign ANYTHING, and definitely don’t let yourself be taken anywhere or you’ll end up mugged and naked in a back alley somewhere. Darkness, stop panting. We’ll pretend to mug you later.”

Darkness tried to look contrite, but she mostly just looked very excited at the prospect of being robbed.

“So, what? We have to stay cooped up in the ship until we get it fixed? And what about Hans?” Kazuma demanded.

“Clearly, we should search these weapons labs for upgrades to the Wave Motion Explosion Cannon!” Megumin declared. “There is no problem that cannot be solved with a sufficiently large Explosion!”

“Actually, that’s pretty much the plan,” Chris agreed. “So go get your ‘cat’ and we’ll see what we can scrounge up.”

Kazuma went with Megumin and changed into his warm clothes, which basically amounted to putting on a sweater and sweatpants over his jumpsuit. Megumin shook her head and sighed. “I guess we’ll need to buy you a new wardrobe too. While a practical jumpsuit is nice, a variety of outfits to suit the current dramatic mood is also important.”

“What? These are comfortable!” Kazuma protested, looking down at his ensemble.

Megumin just tsked and grabbed Chomusuke, who had been napping.

“Don’t make me go outside,” the cat complained. “It’s cold out there! And it’s full of those wackos!”

“Hush,” Megumin said, and tucked the tiny cat into her poncho. Chomusuke poked her head up between Megumin’s breasts, but still looked annoyed. “If you’re good, I’ll buy you some Arcanretia sardines.”

“Oooo, sardines? Make sure to get them fresh, not- NO! I’m not a cat, I’m a grown woman!”

“And we’ll let you test out the probably illegal hardware we buy to soup up the Wave Motion gun,” Kazuma added as they exited the ship again.

“Your offerings are acceptable,” Chomusuke sniffed. Then she made herself comfortable and took a nap.

“M-Megumin! Chris! W-where are you going!?” Yunyun called, hurrying over to them as they headed towards the town.

“Shopping trip,” Kazuma said. He jerked a thumb at Darkness. “She wants some new toys.”

Yunyun gave them a puzzled look, apparently not understanding. “B-but we need to repair the ship…Aqua’s already started, but we n-need all the help we can get.”

“We need to get supplies to fix the ship, and weapons to upgrade our suits if we want to stop Hans and prevent this place from turning from a water hole into a toxic waste dump,” Chris explained. “You can tag along if you-”

“No, she can’t! I’m going with my friends and lovers!” Megumin declared. “You can stay here like the friendless loser you are!”

Tears filled Yunyun’s eyes, but they froze almost immediately in the biting wind. “F-fine. You do that. A-and you always said you weren’t gay…” Then Yunyun trudged back to the ship, hugging herself in the cold air.

“Megumin,” Darkness chided gently. “I know you are jealous of her, but…”

“Shut up. Those with big tits always stick together. Just remember yours belong to me now,” Megumin snapped, and started to stalk off through the snow towards the town.

“Darkness has enough tits to go around, but you don’t need to be a boob yourself,” Chris said, falling in beside Megumin. “She’s your childhood friend. Don’t burn any bridges you don’t have to.”

“What’s the point of a bridge if you don’t burn it?” Megumin muttered darkly, then sighed and nodded when Chris and Darkness gave her stern looks. “Fine. I’ll apologize to the milk cow, but only because you acknowledge that I am far more beautiful than she is.”

“Well, it won’t be Yunyun that will help us test out all those wonderful toys we’ll buy for Darkness,” Chris laughed.

“Y-you mean it?!” Darkness gasped happily, hurrying forward.

“Yes, now hurry up and break the snow for us. Use that freakish height of yours for something useful,” Megumin said and shoved Darkness in front of her. Darkness didn’t seem to mind, and she really did break the waist-high snow much more easily than the others, wading forward easily.

They were about halfway to the ship when Darkness gasped, then surged forward. There was a lump laying there in the snow, and a moment later, Kazuma saw a bit of fabric sticking out of the snowbank. He and the girls hurried forward as best they could, and with their gloves and mittens hastily began to dig out what appeared to be a body buried in the drift.

After some frantic work, Darkness hauled out a man bundled up in a thick blue parka. His gray beard was crusted with ice, and his face was pale, eyes closed.

“What do we do!?” Darkness gasped, slipping off a glove to put a hand on the man’s forehead. “He’s like ice!”

“Treat him for hypothermia?” Kazuma guessed.

One of the man’s eyes cracked open. “Oh, thank you for finding me, strangers. Please, you must treat me immediately…”

“How do you treat people for hypothermia?” Megumin asked, frowning. “It’s freezing out here.”

“There is a sleeping bag in the drift,” the man told them. “One of you must strip naked and slip into it with me, warming me with your body heat! It’s the only way…”

Darkness looked mortified and dropped the man into the snow.

“I think he’s fine,” Chris said, shaking her head. “Remember? Grifters. Dirty old pervert just wants to cop a feel.”

“Please,” the man said weakly. “I’m dying…”

“We could light him on fire,” Kazuma suggested. “Anyone have a match?”

Megumin grinned, then pulled out a hand-size flamethrower and let off a burst of flames. “MWAHAHAHAHA! I am always prepared to start a fire!”

The man instantly popped up out of the snow. “Why, look at that! This young girl’s passion has warmed me! Thank you, kind strangers! Perhaps you could spare some loose change for a poor, lost old man?”

“Wait,” Darkness said, frowning at the man. “You look familiar…are you…?”

“Oh would you just look at the time, gotta go!” the man said, retrieving his sleeping bag from the snow, then jumping up atop the ice. He turned out to have been wearing a pair of snowshoes, and he took off at a dead run.

“Do you know him?” Kazuma asked as the man sprinted for the nearest buildings.

“I thought I did, but it couldn’t be. I don’t know very many citizens of Arcanretia, and the man I’m thinking of wasn’t a homeless bum. I…I was tempted to rescue him from the cold, but…he gave me such a creepy feeling…even I am not into that low form of degeneracy…”

“You’re just into BDSM,” Kazuma told her. “And a pervert.”

She gave him a nervous grin, and he shrugged. “It’s OK, I think the rest of us are perverts too. I know I am.”

“Speak for yourself,” Megumin muttered.

“Hey Megumin, have you ever thought about pegging Darkness?” Chris asked brightly, and Megumin went bright red and looked down.

“What’s…pegging?” Darkness asked, looking rather interested.

“You’re cute when you’re innocent,” Kazuma told her. “Too bad if you stick with us we’ll completely corrupt you.”

“I-I would not mind! P-please Megumin, you should definitely-”

“Are we going to stand here in the cold or go find some upgrades to my glorious cannon?” Megumin demanded and headed towards the town.

“Just so you know,” Kazuma said to no one in particular. “I’m definitely not into that.”

“W-would you try it on me, though?” Darkness asked hesitantly. “I-if you’re not comfortable with it…”

“Don’t worry, Kazuma will definitely be a pain in your ass,” Chris promised her. “Actually, we all probably will. Though I’m not sure yet about Kazuma being a pain in mine.”

Kazuma was pretty sure he followed the conversation, but wasn’t sure he was all that excited about the direction it was going in, so he jogged after Megumin. She looked at him and blushed, then firmly turned her face towards the town. Kazuma did, then blanched.

“Well, I guess they don’t just have those tacky neon signs in space,” he sighed. “You been here before?”

“No, just in space. The Captain only lets adults down to the planet for some stupid reason,” Megumin grumbled, then hesitated. “Actually, maybe Yunyun’s dad is smarter than I gave him credit for.”

“Why, because you would have blown up the ship?” Kazuma teased.

“In the pursuit of science, some sacrifices are necessary,” Megumin said with a shrug as they passed under the neon signs.

Though the streets of the town were made mostly of hard-packed dirty snow and patches of ice, the buildings were brightly lit with hundreds of neon signs loudly proclaiming their wares, most of which looked rather seedy. There were plenty of stores that sold the three major groups, Guns, Tobacco, and Alcohol, as well as a few dingy-looking restaurants that purported to sell “the best Seal Oil Shakes this side of the sun!”

Kazuma did not know what a seal oil shake was, and was very certain he had zero interest in ever learning the truth.

They had just stepped into the town when a short figure wrapped in several layers of jackets and scarves tottered toward them, her feet stomping through the frozen slush in the street. “Mister, mister, would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?”

Kazuma brightened at that, and looked down. Between the layers of heavy fabric, the sparkling blue eyes and pink cheeks of a little girl looked up at him. She was holding up a paper and pen, and smiling at him, showing cute little dimples.

“Why, I love girl scout cookies. We’ll take a dozen,” Kazuma said, taking the paper and pen. “Do you have thin mints?”

“Of course we do, Big Bro!” the little girl chirruped eagerly. “I can get you them, no problem! Just write your order and sign your name!”

Something warned Kazuma, and before signing, he peered at the paper along with Megumin. There was a lot of legalese there, but Kazuma caught the part about him forfeiting his rights to his kidneys in exchange for the cookies. He tore the paper in half. “Is this entire town crazy!?”

“NOOOOOO!” the girl wailed, falling to her knees. She started crying. “I-if I don’t sell enough cookies, my cruel father will beat me, and starve me!”

“Can’t you just eat the cookies?” Megumin demanded.

“Drat! You’ve caught me!” The little girl scampered off as Darkness and Chris caught up to them.

“Kazuma, what did I tell you about talking to strangers?” Chris demanded.

“She wanted my organs for Thin Mints!” Kazuma said, pointing an accusatory finger at the girl.

Chris suddenly brightened. “Thin Mints?” She dashed forward and stopped the girl. “Do you really have Thin Mints?”

“Um, yes?” the girl said.

“Gimme a paper, I’d literally kill for a box of Thin Mints,” Chris told her.

“OK!” the girl pulled out a paper, but Kazuma and Darkness grabbed Chris as Megumin took the paper away and shredded it.

“Oh, come on! I have two kidneys! Have you even HAD Thin Mints?! They’re totally worth one organ!”

“Are you serious? I thought you said not to sign anything!” Kazuma told her.

“Yeah, but that was before they had Thin Mints! Come on, Darkness, Megumin, have you even ever HAD Thin Mints before!?” Chris demanded, struggling mightily in their grasp.

“No, they can’t be that good!” Megumin snapped.

Kazuma hesitated. “Actually…”

“We’re not giving up any organs!” Darkness pulled out her wallet and showed the girl some bills. “We will take a dozen boxes. No organs.”

“Hmm. OK!” The girl snatched the cash and ran off.

Chris gave Darkness a disgusted look. “Great! Now you’re out of money, and we’ll never get the cookies!”

Kazuma and Darkness let Chris go, and she proceeded to sulk as Megumin berated Darkness for being such a sucker. However, a couple of minutes later, the girl dashed out, followed by half a dozen other little girls equally bundled up. They were carrying brightly colored small cardboard boxes, and were panting for breath.

“There! Those are the marks!” The first little girl said, pointing. She didn’t have time to do anything further, and Chris dashed forward, and seized a green box.

She whipped out one of her knives, slashed open a sleeve, and stuffed four cookies into her mouth. She let out a low moan that Kazuma was rather familiar with thanks to their time in the shower together. “They’re real…We’ll take the entire lot!”

Kazuma came forward, and attempted to take some of Chris’ cookies, only for her to threaten him with her knife.

“Back off! These are MINE. Do you have any idea how long it’s been since I had real Thin Mints?!”

“What are these…Samoas?” Megumin asked, frowning at the red box that showed a donut-shaped cookie coated in coconut and chocolate.

“They’re 5000 credits each!” the little girl Megumin had taken them from said brightly.

Megumin snorted derisively. “I’ll give you 500.”

The girl considered, then held up a hand. “Deal! Pay up!”

Megumin handed her a few coins, then opened a box and took a bite. Her eyes immediately began to glow, and she began to attack the rest of the cookies with gusto. “These are incredible! Delicious! I will take five!”

“The price just went up,” the little girl said sweetly. “Five hundred is the introductory price. Now they’re 1000.”

“I’ll give you 4000 for five!”

“Deal!”

Kazuma had given up on the Thin Mints when Chris had hissed at him when he tried to take a box, and had gotten some peanut butter sandwich cookies called Do-si-does. “You know, I used to have to buy these off the kids at the American military base. They’re sort of hard to get in Japan.”

“They can’t really be that good, can they?” Darkness asked dubiously as Megumin and Chris snarfed down their cookies. Kazuma handed her one, and Darkness took a bite.

She let out a gasp, putting one hand to her cheek. “Why, these are delicious! We’ll take the lot!”

“Not the trefoils though,” Kazuma told one of the girls. “Shortbread cookies are trash tier.”

Darkness ignored him and bought them anyway, though she did admit after trying one that it wasn’t as good.

After gorging themselves on cookies, the little girls departed, but only after Chris made them swear that if they found any more Thin Mints, they’d bring them straight to her.

Fortified with cookies and with crumbs on their shirts, they set off into the belly of Arcanretia.

But from the shadows, dark figures watched them. There were new marks in town.

The Melancholy of Kazuma Sato, The Final Epilogue

Last week, the world had nearly been destroyed. Kyon wished he didn’t have to consider that, or, even worse, that the sentence was incomplete from his perspective. The more accurate version was: Last week, the world had nearly been destroyed, again.

It was a little disturbing that even with that very concerning “again” tacked on at the end, it didn’t bother him that much. After the first few times, he was rather blasé about the whole thing. Though there were still consequences.

“I’m still grounded,” he complained to Taniguchi and Kunikida. They were the only ones who gave him any sympathy at all about the whole mess. Granted, he couldn’t tell them the real reason he was grounded, but at least they listened.

“You were gone for a few days, it’s natural that your parents were worried about you,” Kunikida consoled. “It’s unfortunate your cat ate the note you left for them explaining about the field trip, but it could be worse.”

“Eh, at least your folks care. Sometimes I think as long as I brought home a good report card my parents wouldn’t give a rat's ass about what I did,” Taniguchi grumbled. “Hey, do you know what happened to that blue-haired beauty and her scoundrel boyfriend? They haven’t been in school since you left either.”

Haruhi, of course, had received no consequences whatsoever for disappearing for several days to another world. Her parents were the pair in question as a matter of fact, and had made excuses for her. They’d even apologized to Kyon’s parents for taking away his cell phone on the school trip and not letting him check for messages.

“Oh, they’re around, but they got caught fooling around,” Kyon told his friends in confidential tones. “I hear they were even sleeping together. Got themselves kicked out of school.”

“Wow, no kidding?! On a school trip!? Damn, did you get pictures? That Mizu girl had a nice pair, you know?” Taniguchi said, making a gesture around his chest. “I’d like to get my hands on a pair that nice!”

“Wow, what is it you like about breasts? Is it how they feel? How they look? What about how they smell? What do breasts smell like, anyway? Hey Sasaki, sniff my boobs!”

Taniguchi went bright red as across from their table in the cafeteria, Kuyou tried to shove her bust in a somewhat irritated Sasaki’s face. “I’m not going to sniff your boobs, Kuyou. Try someone else.”

“Hey! Taniguchi, we went out for a while! What do my boobs smell like?” Kuyou left her table and slid next to Taniguchi, smiling brightly at him. Her previously doll-like features were gone, replaced by a much more lifely expression. Her hair was also a lot shorter now, but her wide grin seemed infectious.

“I, uh, I don’t, I didn’t-” Taniguchi had gone bright red, and didn’t seem to know what to do. Kuyou was leaning into his personal space now, but he wasn’t leaning back. “You, uh, broke up with me, so, uh, I never-”

“I don’t remember why! We should go out again! We could talk about things! Like, for instance, boobs! And other human reproductive organs!” Kuyou was grinning widely now, and a slow, stupid grin was spreading over Taniguchi’s face.

“I, um, I’d like to talk,” Taniguchi admitted.

“Great! Come on, there are so many wonderful things to talk about now!” Kuyou grabbed Taniguchi and hauled him off to a far corner of the lunch room, leaving Kyon alone with Kunikide, and Sasaki muttering to herself with her head in her hands. Komekko was already eating Kuyou’s lunch, and wandered over to sit down across from Kyon to grab Taniguchi’s as well.

“Hey! You were with my sister, right?” Komekko said around a mouthful of food. “We haven’t talked much. Who’s your friend?”

“Yeah, I met Megumin, and this is Kunikida. He’s harmless. And a very normal guy,” Kyon said as his friend gave an awkward smile and wave.

“Uh, hi. You’re one of the transfer students from Kouyouen, aren’t you?” Kunikida said, smiling awkwardly. Kyon supposed that Komekko was a very cute young woman. Even if she was also apparently literally satan.

“Yeah, I guess,” Komekko made a face. Then she brightened. “Say! How do you feel about contracts?”

“Hey! No making contracts with my friends!” Kyon snapped, grabbing a paper and rolling it up to smack Komekko on the forehead.

“Hey! Knock it off! I am the Foremost Devil Queen of the Crimson Demon Clan! If you invoke my wrath, you will know despair, mortal!” Komekko said, trying to find off Kyon’s assault as her eyes burned red with irritation.

“Oh, uh…you’re the um, interesting young lady I’ve heard about in Class C, aren’t you?” Kunikida said, chuckling nervously.

“She’s the chuuni little maniac, yes. Don’t make a contract with her,” Kyon sternly warned his friend. It was generally a bad idea to encourage someone in the throes of chuunibyo delusions, but contracts with Komekko were universally a Bad Idea. Mostly because her proclamations of Dark Power were entirely accurate.

“Spoilsport,” Komekko muttered, folding her arms over her chest and pouting. “This place is boring.”

“Hey, Mekko-nyan!” Tsuruyu plopped down on the seat, grinning broadly. “And it’s Kyon’s cute little friend too! Your name was Kunikide, right?”

“Um, ah, yes?” Kunikide stammered, blushing heavily as he looked up at Tsuruya.

“Great! Hey, Komekko, I was wondering, are you still recruiting? You know, for your post-high school group? I think I’d make a Megas Awesome General!” Tsuruya said, flexing one of her arms.

A smile that reminded Kyon all too much of the Grinch getting a Wonderfully Awful Idea spread over Komekko’s face. “Why…yes. Yes I am! Tsuruya, right? You’re the daughter of the Witch’s Champion and the Blue Oni, aren’t you?”

“Yep! That’s me! I think Kunikide is a normie so we shouldn’t talk about it in front of him.”

Kunikide deflated at that comment until Tsuruya leaned over the table and waggled her eyebrows at him. “Don’t worry, I still think you’re cute! We should talk some other time! I need a new project now that someone’s finally corrupted my precious Mikuru!”

Tsuruya and Komekko headed out of the lunchroom, though Kyon thought he heard Tsuruya commenting, “Now I’m not sold on selling my soul, but I’d really like to see some actual combat!”

Sheesh. Was every woman in his life insane? Kyon turned to the silent girl at his side, who was quietly reading a book now that she was done with her own lunch. “You’re not crazy, right Yuki?”

“That depends,” Yuki said, turning another page. “By normal human parameters, I am very likely to be considered outside the neurological norm.”

“What about me?” Kyon turned to Kunikide. “Do you think I’m crazy, Kunikide?”

“Well, ah, you do hang out with some interesting people, Kyon,” Kunikide admitted, running his finger up and down the side of his face nervously. “But, um, do you really think Tsuruya thinks I’m cute?”

“That depends. How do you feel about a possibly insane woman who’s stronger than you, very weird, and has more energy than a husky after three espressos?”

“Well, if it’s Tsuruya…she is really cute, and I don’t mind if a girl’s strong,” Kunikide admitted, blushing heavily. “I’ve always sort of had a thing for buff girls…”

“She thinks you're adorable and would probably go out with you if you asked,” Kyon told Kunikide bluntly.

“R-really? Wow! Well, I mean, if you and Tanaguchi have girlfriends now…I guess…oh man, I need to think about this…”

Just then, a smug snakedwalked up and chuckled. “I say, is this a Shakespearian ending? Everyone falling in love and pairing off? It makes one think this is some sort of Divine Comedy, doesn’t it? Does that make you the story’s Dante, Kyon, or me?”

“Don’t flatter yourself, and this isn’t one of the circles of hell, it’s just high school,” Kyon said, frowning up at Koizumi as he strolled up, Kyoko at his side.

“Is it? Are we not all but actors on the stage of life?” Koizumi mused. “Bound by winds of fate to-OW!”

Kyoko removed her fingers from the new red welt on Koizumi’s arm. “Oh, stop teasing Kyon. Come on, you were going to show me good places to hide for a quick smooch, so stop chatting and let’s go! There’s no point in twisting a bunch of arms to transfer me to your school if we’re not going to exploit it.”

“Uh, I…” Koizumi blushed, then smiled and shrugged. “Well, I suppose even I am prone to mortal failings. Adieu.”

Kyon watched them go, and then eyed Kunikide out of the corner of his eye. “Oh go on. Love is in the air. If you’re going to work up the courage to ask Tsuruya out, it may as well be now.”

“I-I guess I will! I, um, thanks for letting me sit with you, Miss Nagato,” Kunikide stammered, bowing towards Yuki.

She looked up from the book and nodded, and then Kunikide raced off.

“What are the odds he ends up in a contract with Komekko?” Kyon said, voicing his thoughts aloud.

“Uncertain. However, I have noted a marked similarity to the current atmosphere to the ending of certain plays.” Yuki held up what she was reading, which was, of course, A Comedy of Errors by the Bard himself.

“Is that one of the ones that ends with everyone hooking up?” Kyon asked, only half curious.

“I have not reached the ending yet,” Yuki said, setting down her book and scooting closer to Kyon. They had already been very close, so she was practically sitting on his lap at that point. “Further research is required.”

Kyon leaned down towards Yuki, putting his arms around her and drawing him to her as her lips parted slightly.

Then a ball of chaos skidded into the lunchroom, a manic gleam in her eyes and a wide grin on her face, a stack of papers in her arms. “There you two are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Why weren’t you in the club room?! I have an important announcement! Ah, and there’s my new Vice Chief! Come on, Sasaki, have you heard the wonderful news?”

Kyon and Yuki separated, much to his annoyance as Haruhi stood before them, the familiar band of the SOS Brigade chief on her forearm.

“Your parents are going on a second honeymoon. Supposedly to Hawaii, but actually to another world where they’ll probably do something stupid like fight demons instead of relaxing on the beach,” Sasaki said, tossing her half eaten lunch tray in a garbage can.

Haruhi frowned at Sasaki’s pronouncement. “Well, suck all the fun out of my surprise, why don’t you!? Shouldn’t you show me a little more respect now?”

“No. If anything, I think I respect you even less, knowing what we both are now,” Sasaki told her cousin. Or whatever. Kyon knew they were both semi-awakened deities or something, but frankly they were mostly annoying. “Besides, my parents did the same thing.”

“They went on vacation in Belzerg?” Haruhi asked, suddenly curious.

“Don’t be absurd. They went back to Ixphoria to visit my grandmother.”

“Huh. Well, whatever.” Haruhi spun back to Kyon, the mania back. “Well, you know what this means, right?”

“That Kazuma will stop bumming change for the vending machine off me?” Kyon suggested.

“I have new neighbors,” Yuki stated.

“Ugh, that might be true, but that’s not what I was talking about! It means that I have the house to myself now! My parents left this morning, and now I’m all alone!”

“My sympathy. I’ll buy you a teddy bear to keep you company.”

“You have no imagination or creativity!” Haruhi declared, pointing an accusatory finger at Kyon. “What is the traditional rite of passage for all teenagers when their parents depart for an extended period of time and leave them in charge of their own house?”

“They learn how to cook?” Kyon offered.

“They learn valuable self-care and management skills,” Sasaki added.

“They stay up all night playing StarCraft and are forced to create a time distortion bubble in order to get an adequate amount of sleep.”

Everyone turned to Yuki in shock. She just sat there quietly, though Kyon did see her lips twitch towards a smile. Most people probably wouldn’t have noticed, but he did.

“Wow, OK, I didn’t expect Yuki to be the party animal out of all of us,” Haruhi laughed, breaking the silence. “But seriously Kyon, you need to stage an intervention before your girlfriend turns into a Hiki-NEET like my dad used to be.”

“Did you really?” Kyon asked, curious.

Yuki nodded once. “I shall not make a habit of it.”

Privately, Kyon vowed to get Yuki to abuse her time distortion abilities for his benefit, like when he forgot to do his homework or needed a nap himself.

“Well, I have a WAY better idea.” Haruhi slapped one of the papers she’d been carrying into Kyon’s face. He drew it back, and saw the logo of the SOS brigade on it, along with a horrible announcement.

“We’re going to have a House Party!” Haruhi said eagerly. “We’ll decorate the place, purchase a variety of food and beverages, and break into my parent's liquor cabinet to spike the punch bowl! We’ll invite everyone cool from North High to join us, and from there use it as a springboard to allow the SOS Brigade to take over the school!”

“I want no involvement in this,” Sasaki said firmly, tearing the flier Haruhi had pressed onto her in half.

“Too late! Your name’s on the flier!” Haruhi said cheerily. “We’ll put these up all over school and hand them out! I got you a bunny girl outfit to go with mine!”

“Who died and made you god?” The look on Sasaki’s face after she said that told Kyon how much she regretted staying that, and Haruhi’s wide predatory grin told him just what her response would be.

“...fine. But we have to be at least slightly discriminatory in the guest list. If we’re not careful, there will be delinquents and undesirables there. Perhaps a fight would even break out in the worst case.”

“Worst case? That’s the ideal circumstance! It’s not a real party unless there’s at least one fight, my dad always said!” Haruhi declared brightly.

“Considering your parentage, I don’t think we should take Kazuma’s advice,” Kyon said wryly.

“Hmph. Well, we’re having a house party, and you’re helping me plan it!”

Before Haruhi could argue further, the bell rang, and it was back to class. Haruhi bounded along next to Kyon and Yuki, enthusiastically expanding on her increasingly over the top plans for their house party. When they arrived back at their homeroom, however, Kyon had to steel himself before entering.

Yuki took his hand, and gave it a squeeze. “Do not worry. I will protect you.”

Kyon swallowed, Kyon nodded, never taking his eyes off the blue haired girl chatting with her friends. Asakura might be leashed, but she wasn’t contained. Not by a long shot.

“Kimidori isn’t giving you any trouble either, right?” Kyon asked quietly, stalling for time before he had to go into the room.

“She continues to complain via text. I have her muted,” Yuki stated. “I now possess the full powers of the Data Overmind and the Sky Canopy Dominion. She is limited to local data manipulation techniques.”

“Uh, can Asakura still manipulate data?” Kyon asked, feeling sweat trickle down his back.

“Yes. But she cannot do so while in my presence, or yours. I have put restrictions on her.”

Sighing, Kyon gingerly went into the class and took his seat, Yuki right in front of him, Haruhi behind. He probably was safe with the two most powerful beings in existence around him, but he still felt a twinge in his gut where he’d twice been stabbed by the blue-haired alien.

Their next period was math, which went fine, but then it was time for PE. He paused before he headed into the gym. “Hey, is Darkness still the girls’ PE teacher?”

“No, she went back home,” Haruhi said with a shrug. “No clue who we have now.”

Kyon nodded and went to get changed with the rest of the boys. They had combined field activities today, so they’d be joining the girls for a combined class. He absently wondered what Kazuma, Aqua, and Darkness were up to now. He hadn’t known the blonde woman well, but she seemed just as weird and goofy as Haruhi’s parents had been.

“Come to think of it, do people think I’m the weird one?” Kyon mused aloud as he stood before his locker.

“You’re always hanging out with a bunch of crazy chicks, so yes,” Taniguchi told him bluntly.

“You have a bit of lipstick on your nose still,” Kyon told him in falsely sweet tones.

Taniguchi blushed heavily and tried to paw away the nonexistent makeup. “W-what!? H-how- Hey! Kuyou is normal, not like Suzumiya or Nagato!”

For a brief moment, Kyon considered taking offense that someone had said his friends, and especially Nagato, were not normal. Then he shrugged. “I guess we are a bit odd. I think I like it that way. I hope you do as well because Kuyou definitely is an odd one.”

“She uh, she is hot though, right?” Taniguchi said in a half-questioning tone.

Kyon wondered how long he should wait before he told his friend they were both dating aliens.

Out on the field, they sat in the bleachers, waiting for the teachers to arrive. Haruhi was still going over her mad plans, and Kyon was only half paying attention. He absently watched the coaches come out, his mind running over the possible mishaps that would happen from this boondoggle of a party. Then he jerked the shock of recognition. “Chris?!”

Haruhi and Sasaki’s head snapped around, and they both shot to their feet. “Senpai!?”

“Heya girls!” Chris said, waving merrily. She looked older somehow, a bit taller, her face more mature, but it was still undeniably Chris. “I’m your new PE teacher, Chris Fortuna! Ms. Ford suddenly had to return to her old country, so now I’m here! Today, we have something a little different planned for you all! Behold! The Obstacle Course!”

Kyon slowly looked over to the side, where somehow, he hadn’t previously noticed a massive obstacle course. It looked grueling, with a ten-meter high wall, a long rope walk over a sand pit, logs and hurdles to clamber and climb over, and…wait. Was that a door with a lock on it they were supposed to pick?

“Let’s get moving, boys and girls! Fitness is key to development!”

“B-but Senpai, what are you doing here?!” Sasaki gasped as the students trotted off.

“I told you: I’m your new teacher! Now get moving, young lady,” Chris ordered, and blew her whistle.

Kyon watched in disgust as the biggest and strongest boys hit the obstacle course. They made it over the rope web and up the planks, but by the time they hit the 10 meter wall and the rotating log jam, they were out of breath and panting for air, or bruised and battered from falls and getting slapped around.

Then Haruhi and Sasaki started. They hit the ground running, and didn’t slow down, sprinting over the ropes and vaulting the 10 meter wall with ease, navigating the rotating log and tight rope walk, and only pausing when they hit the locked doors. Haruhi paused to dig a pin out of her hair to pick the lock, while Sasaki looked around, waved her hand over the lock, and it snapped open.

Of course.

Get going, Kyon! If you’re going to keep up with those girls, you’ve got lots of training to do!” Chris ordered. “You too, Yuki. And no teleporting to the end. That’s what Kazuma would do.”

Yuki nodded, then took Kyon’s hand. She led him through the course, boosting him over the obstacles, and walking calmly over the ropes without breaking stride. When he took his eyes off her, he would stumble and nearly fall, but then she’d squeeze his hand and look back at him, and he’d make it. It was a grueling endeavor still, but he managed to finish it faster than most of the jocks.

Haruhi and Sasakis still lapped them. Twice. Kyon just sighed.

By the end, most of the students had managed to finish only a single lap, and were panting from exhaustion.

“Not bad, kiddies! But this was the easy course. The school said I couldn’t have a machine gun and barbed wire, but I’ll still find a way to challenge you for the next one!” Chris said brightly.

A few students chuckled or managed nervous giggles, but Chris gave them a dazzling smile.

“She’s not kidding,” Sasaki said with a heavy sigh. “Senpai, this really is too much…”

“Nonsense! We’ll make proper Adventurers out of you all! Now hit the showers!” Chris ordered. Then she winked at Kyon and Haruhi. “And I’ll see some of you after school! Bye for now!”

The rest of the school day passed with no small sense of trepidation, but that was mostly because Asakura was still in the room. She smiled at Kyon once, while meaningfully sharpening her pencil. Until Yuki frowned at her, that is. Asakura gave her a hurt look and turned around, but Kyon was shuddering slightly.

“I think perhaps Ryoko Asakura should transfer classes,” Yuki remarked to no one in particular.

“Thank you,” Kyon said, shuddering. “You really are the best goddess.”

Haruhi let out an offended sound, and gave Kyon a hurt look.

“Hey, I’m not dating you. Yuki would be a goddess no matter what powers she had.”

That brought a small smile to Yuki’s lips, and a short time later, someone from the office came and informed Ryoko that “her parents were there to pick her up.”

Considering she was an alien robot, she didn’t have parents, that was a flimsy excuse. But that was the last time Kyon saw Ryoko in his classroom.

At the end of the day, Haruhi dragged Kyon and Yuki to the SOS Brigade room as soon as the bell sounded, but they were beaten there.

“Welcome, Mistress!” a cheerful maid said, offering tea.

“Yes, welcome!” a second maid echoed.

“...wait. What are YOU doing here?” Kyon asked, pointing at Cecily. “You’re not a high school student!”

“But I’m dating one!” Cecily said happily. “I just had to see Mikuru in her adorable maid uniform, and I got to help make the tea!”

Kyon picked up the glass and eyed it sceptically. It looked more like hot jello than tea. “What is this?”

“Jelly slime! It’s legal here, trust me,” Cecily told him.

“It’s tasty, try it!” Mikuru encouraged, using a spoon to eat her “tea.”

Haruhi sucked hers down, but Yuki just held hers. Kyon gave it a try, and decided that Mikuru probably hadn’t made it, because it tasted vile.

The newly expanded SOS Brigade piled in shortly after: Tsuruya and Kuyou, dragging Kunikide and Taniguchi along. Kyon decided they were thoroughly doomed at this point. He said a silent prayer for both of them. They were about to learn what happened when you found your Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Or rather, she found you.

With them were Koizumi and Kyoko, and a sour looking Komekko. Kyon pondered briefly if the Crimson Demon girl was jealous because she didn’t have a boyfriend, and then decided that was a prospect too horrifying to even imagine. He silently handed Komekko his tea, and her expression perked up as she drained it, then looked around for more. It seemed she was just hungry for food, and not the souls of innocent boys. Or at least, not at the moment.

A few minutes later Chris breezed in, still dressed in gym shorts and a white tea shirt. “Good afternoon, everyone, I’m your new- CECILY!?”

“Uh, hi?” Cecily said, hiding behind her serving tray and waving sheepishly. “Mikuru invited me.”

“You’re not allowed around schools and you know it. Get out of her, or I’m forcibly deporting you myself,” Chris said, pointing to the door.

“Er, yeah, I guess…” Cecily said, slinking towards the door.

“You know what? Never mind. Haruhi, Sasaki, Yuki?”

“Yes, Senpai?” the girls chorused. Or, well, Sasaki and Haruhi did. Yuki just nodded.

“This is how you open an interdimensional portal. Pay attention.” Then Chris shut the door, made a few arcane gestures, and opened it again. Now it opened up on the road to Axel, the town about two kilometers distant.

“Now get out of here,” Chris ordered and shoved Cecily towards the portal. “And don’t let me catch you within 300 meters of a school again!”

“But, I’m dating Mikuru! I was staying at her place,” Cecily whined as she was pushed into the portal.

“Mikuru can make her own mistakes. You get out of here.” Chris shoved Cecily back into Belzerg.

Cecily stumbled out onto the dirt road, then turned around. “Bye, Mikuru! I’ll see you soon! Keep the maid uniform I-”

A long, pink tongue reached out and latched on to Cecily. With a cry, she was dragged out of view of the portal. A moment later, there was a loud ribbit.

“Oh for the love of- She’s a high-level priestess! How did she let that happen!?” Chris demanded, planting her hands on her hips. “Axis Cultists. I swear.”

“I got it, I got it, I got it!” Tsuruya cried. “Come on, Kunikide! I’ve heard about this, you can- oh, he’s passed out. Someone wake him up, I’ll be back in a minute!”

Tsuruya ran through the portal, and Kyon turned to Taniguchi, who was looking pale and shaking slightly as his eyes bugged out at the portal. Kuyou was talking fast, and seemed excited.

“Oh wow, is that an isekai!? Are we going to go on an adventure? I’ve always wanted to go to new places and meet new people! Oh, but there’s so many people on Earth I haven’t talked to! That’s why I came here, you know, I wanted to communicate with other lifeforms! Oh, hey, Taniguchi, did I mention I’m an alien? Because I am! Don’t worry though, I’m biologically compatible with- oh now he’s passed out too.”

Inside the portal, Kyon heard the sounds of incredible violence, manic laughter, and saw some blood splatter. And to think: he used to think Tsuruya was cute. He also saw Chris grab Komekko and prevent her from sneaking out of the mortal, much to the wannabe ultimate evil’s disgruntlement.

“Aw, come on, I was just going to make sure Cecily and Tsuruya were OK!” Komekko whined as Chris shoved her back into her seat.

“Sure you were. Wait, hold on, those two weren’t muggles, right?” Chris asked, frowning at the two comatose high schoolers.

“I’m afraid they were,” Itsuki admitted, chuckling and standing up. “It’s OK, the Organization has dealt with these sorts of things before.”

“All done!” Tsuruya said brightly, hauling a very slimy Cecily with her. Her face and clothes were now splattered with blood, but by her demeanor, you’d think she’d just been given a present.

“Ah! Cecily!” Mikuru wailed, and ran forward, taking a towel to clean her girlfriend off.

“She’s fine! Don’t worry! Come on, we’re gonna miss the meeting!” Tsuruya said.

“I’ll be OK, not the first time I’ve been slimed,” Cecily assured Mikuru

They stepped back inside, and the portal slide shut.

“Hey! Get away from Kunikide! What are you doing with himi?” Tsuruya demanded.

“Just a simple mind wipe,” Kyoko assured Tsuruya. “He’ll just lose the last few minutes.”

“Nah, don’t bother, he was going to find out if he hung around us sooner or later! This is more interesting!” Tsuruya laughed.

They managed to revive the two boys, who took the revelation rather well, considering. Tachibana muttered something along the lines of “I knew you were a bunch of weirdos.” But they both calmed down with some tea from Mikuru and their newly acquired guides to the world of the weird and the strange. It did help that said guides were both cute girls their own age. Kyon knew that from experience.

“Right! Well, I’m Chris, also known as the Goddess Eris, and this is Goddess Training 101!” Chris said happily.

Kunikide and Tachibana managed not to faint again.

“What!? But this is the SOS Brigade, my club! You can’t just commandeer it, Senpai!” Haruhi protested.

“Who said anything about commandeering? This is your cult, I’m just here to provide guidance,” Chris told her. “Every cult needs a high priest! Or even high priestess!”

“I freaking knew it!” Tachibana said, standing up, a wild look in his eyes. “You were starting your own cult, Haruhi! Kyon, this is all a mad dream or something, right!? Right!? Kunikide pinch me!”

“I tried that already,” the other boy said weakly. “And, um, I think she’s probably telling the truth…”

“But you’re going to ruin my house party!” Haruhi wailed. “It was going to have no adult supervision!”

“You can totally have it, I’ll just be there to make sure you don’t accidentally summon an Outer God or something. Oh, and of course, you three girls have homework! We’ll be spending nights practicing miracles and judging the dead. Don’t worry, I’ll walk you through your first few thousand cases.”

“What about during the day?” Sasaki asked suspiciously

“You get to be normal high school students! You have to learn basic skills somehow, right? Plus, mortal schools are way more interesting than the dumb divine onboarding training. They just lock you in a room with some videos and tests for a couple of decades.”

“You…you’re really a goddess?” Kunikide asked faintly, raising his hand.

“Yep! I can sense her divine aura. Oh, also, I’m half oni, see?” Tsuruya held her breath, and her green horn popped out of her forehead.

Instead of fainting, Kunikide blushed and gasped, “It’s so cute! Can…can I touch it?”

“Ooo, wanting to touch a girl’s horn, you didn’t even buy me dinner first! Nah, it’s OK, stop blushing, you can touch it!”

“Well, this is your meeting, Haruhi. I’ll just be putting in grades on the computer,” Chris said, taking a seat where Haruhi usually presided over the club.

“Right! Well, we have a fantastic house party to plan, and it’s this weekend! Now, we’re going to be passing out fliers and…”

The meeting continued much as it normally did, though the club room was considerably more packed. Kyon leaned back and glanced at Chris’s screen. Funny, her grade book looked a lot like Counter-Strike. Not that Kyon was surprised. That was about par for the divinities he knew.

The meeting wrapped up, with everyone assigned various tasks. Kyon was, apparently, in charge of purchasing supplies. Fortunately, Haruhi had given him her parents credit card, but it was a big ask for him to buy everything on his own. Thankfully, he had two minions to help him out.

“Come on, you two,” he told Kunikide and Tachibana. “Let’s get this over with. Haruhi won’t stop harassing us until we have everything on this list.”

They followed Kyon out of the room, but they hadn’t gone far before the questions started.

“Kyon, is Kuyou really an alien?! I mean, she’s hot, and weird, but I never-”

“-actually an oni!? And Haruhi’s really a goddess!? What kind of crazy club is-”

“And Nagato! What is she?! A magical girl?!!”

“Or a robot? She’s always so quiet, I never thought-”

“Yuki’s an alien magical girl who’s sort of a robot that got turned real, but that’s another story,” Kyon told them. They stared at him for a moment, and he sighed.

“Good grief. You two really don’t know what you signed up for. Fine, I guess I’ll teach you the ropes. This is basically the situation I found myself in last year, you know. It all started with Haruhi, and then I was meeting aliens, time travelers, and espers…”

They didn’t get much shopping done, but they did spend a few hours at a cafe while Kyon fielded questions. By the end of it, he knew it was too late: Kunikide and Tachibana were well and truly wrapped up in the crazy now. It was actually sort of nice that they saw Kyon as the wise sage who had seen it all, and they would rely on him to explain things for once.

Come to think of it, he’d saved the world what, three, four times now? Eh, you lost track after the first couple anyway. He headed home on his trusty steed, his old bike creaking as he rode it down the hill.

“Kyon!” his sister said when he stepped inside. “Look who it is! She came to visit!”

Half expecting to find some sort of eldritch horror sitting on his couch, Kyon relaxed when he saw it was only Yuki, with Shamisen curled up on her lap.

“Oh, hey Yuki. What are you doing here?” Kyon said, shucking off his shoes. He noticed his sister had given their guest refreshments: Just boxes and Kitkat bars. Would she never grow up?

“Meeting my neighbors,” Yuki stated, stroking the purring cat.

Kyon paused. “Huh?”

“Yuki just moved into Mr. and Mrs. Yamada’s old apartment!” his sister said happily. “She said her old one’s lease was up!”

Kyon blinked, then sat down on the couch next to Yuki. “You did?”

“Yes. I realized you were correct: there was an error with my teleportation spell,” Yuki said quietly as Kyon’s sister wandered off, apparently bored.

“Huh?” Kyon wracked his brain, then remembered. “Oh, that you registered my apartment as a location. So, wait, does that mean…?”

“You can walk me to school,” Yuki told him. “I would like that.”

It was a bit unusual for Yuki to be so vocal about things, so this had to be something she really wanted. But it did make Kyon smile. “Yeah. I’d like that.”

They ended up doing their homework, or rather, Kyon copied as Yuki just wrote down all the answers without looking them up even once, and then played Playstation. Kyon’s mother was shocked to find a girl in her son’s room, but she’d heard about Yuki before, and seemed rather taken with her.

Kyon sat down with Yuki to dinner and smiled to himself. This was his life now: the ordinary, and the extraordinary, juxtaposed. He supposed it could have been worse.

The End  (for real this time)

Author’s note:

It’s not often that I actually finish a story. In fact, this is probably only the third longform story I’ve managed to finish, and the first crossover. It’s sort of a surreal feeling to know that I can actually put down my keyboard, at least for this world.

This story does have sort of a non-ending, but then again, that’s how life is. At least Kazuma will no longer be so Melancholy, and his daughter finally grew up. Sort of. Eventually. She’ll get there. Probably.

A special thanks to Dr_Feelgood and the Grand Cogitator for beta reading this story from almost the beginning. They’ve been a tremendous help in making sure that I actually said what I meant to say, and that there aren’t a ton of spelling eras.

I’d also like to thank Jman, who has graciously sponsored me on Patreon, and been a constant enthusiastic reader and encourager of this story. It was a weird one, and a long haul, but we made it! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

And lastly, thanks to all my readers. If you made it this far, I’m sure your sanity is as questionable as my own. I hope it was worth it.

Until next time,

Full-Paragon

The Second Archon War, Imperatrix Umbrosa 10

Imperatrix Umbrosa 10: Beyond the Echoes of Storms

After more than a year of labor, it was time. Arcane sigils and scripts covered the workshop, and electro crystals and ingredients harvested from monsters had been used to create a variety of apparatuses and ingredients, and the very room crackled with power. Raiden herself stood at the center of power, taking one last look before engaging the process. A very enthusiastic Ami and Clara stood to the side, wearing goggles and lab coats, along with rubber boots and gloves. A rather more concerned-looking Mushu stood off to the side, glancing back towards the portal to the mortal plane.

At the center of the array lay a body that looked nearly completely identical to Raiden, though it was covered in a sheet and lay utterly motionless, every detail was exactly the same. There were no obvious seams or indications that it was an artificial creation, but the chest of the double did not rise and fall, and it was pallid, devoid of all life.

“Are you really sure about this?” Mushu asked Raiden, and the goddess nodded.

“Yes. This is the third time I have manufactured a robotic surrogate,” Raiden stated. “I have made improvements to the overall design.”

“Can we throw the lever?!” Ami asked eagerly. “I want to meet my new sister!”

Raiden nodded and made an imperious gesture. “Throw the lever, Clara.”

The girls squealed and slammed the lever home, causing lightning to arc. Raiden put her hands on the arcane circles, and lightning flashed from her into the duplicate. A rift in reality opened, and the humans in the room were suddenly awestruck. It was as if Raiden had changed before their eyes, throwing back the veil that hid her true self from the world. Her physical form didn’t shift, so much as the spiritual weight she gave off suddenly increased, and her divine presence was palpable.

Something of that essence was spun off, investing itself into the robotic clone. Soul and spirit suffused the vessel, and she began to glow with power.

AWAKEN.

At Raiden’s command, the robot opened her eyes, sitting up as the divine aura faded. She looked around the room, then up at Raiden.

“This unit is now online. Please provide commands.”

Before Raiden could speak, Ami flew across the room on a bolt of lightning and slammed into the robot so hard she actually rocked them both back. “ONEE-CHAN!”

The robot tilted her head to one side, while Raiden blinked in surprise. “Ami, this is not your sister. She is an artificial construct created to act as a shadow duplicate of myself and engage in foreign diplomacy.”

“Big sister,” Ami insisted, hugging the robot tightly. “She needs a name!”

“She is the Shogun,” Raiden said, furrowing her brow. “That is her function.”

The robot nodded. “Instructions accepted: I am the Shogun.” Raiden smiled and tilted her head in agreement, until the robot added, “I am the Shogun Onee-Chan.”

“No! That’s not a name!” Ami insisted. “Clara and I have a list!”

Clara hurried forward, holding up a sheet of notebook paper with a long list of names scribbled on it. “I like Raikou!”

“The Pokemon?” Raiden asked, her brow furrowing in consternation. The two girls nodded eagerly. “Unacceptable. She is not a Pokemon. She is my body double.”

“She’s my big sister and she needs a super cool name! What about Usagi!?” Ami demanded.

“I am not overly fond of Sailor Moon,” Raiden said, shaking her head again. She looked to Kenta. “What are your thoughts?”

“I mean, she’s a person, right? Not just a robot with no feelings or anything,” Kenta pointed out, coming over to examine the robot. She was precisely like Raiden in every way, from how she held herself to her inflection when she spoke. It did help that Ei tended to speak in a somewhat creepy robot monotone herself.

“Mushu: Designation, familiar,” the robot said. “Eminator of Eternity.”

“He’s your uncle,” Clara informed the robot. “What do you think of being named Bulma?”

The robot frowned. “I do not wish to be called undergarments.”

“She does need a name,” Kenta told Raiden, his tone blunt. “She is your daughter.”

“That is not what I intended,” Raiden said, her brow furrowing.

“Well, she’s like your heir or replacement, right?” Kenta said. He frowned. “Wait, is she a god?”

“Wait, Big Sis is a god like mom?!” Ami gasped. “I have it! She’s your shadow clone, right? She is Tsukuyomi!”

“Isn’t Tsukuyomi supposed to be a guy?” Kenta asked, folding his arms over his chest.

“Tsukuyomi,” Raiden said, her tone thoughtful. “I suppose by this world's standards, you are a god. You have not yet embodied an ideal, but you are made of my essence. Otherwise, you would not be a proper conduit for my powers.”

“I am…Tsukuyomi?” the robot asked, sounding slightly confused. “This was not in my original parameters. Will this bring about Eternity?”

“Yes. But now you need a disguise!” Ami said excitedly and pulled out a bag she and Clara had brought. “We have plenty!”

“A…disguise?” Tsukuyomi was dragged off the table as the two girls held up various cosplay costumes and wigs they had procured for her.

“But…she is to be my shadow,” Raiden said, sounding slightly forlorn and confused.

Kenta put a hand on her shoulder. “Sorry. You’re not getting out of your job. You can’t just have your double do all your work while you sit in your own pocket dimension and become a hikikomori.”

“I will not. I will meditate on Eternity and focus on bringing it about in Japan,” Raiden protested, but she colored faintly.

“Uh-huh. Well, your new volume of Shonen Jump is here,” Kenta said with a shrug.

“Really?” Raiden brightened, then suddenly caught on and scowled. “That is not amusing.”

“Really? Because I thought it was hilarious. Now, how exactly are we going to disguise your new daughter? Or you, for that matter, because your world tour is supposed to start in a few days.”

“She knows everything she must do. I shall have her attend the banquet tomorrow night in my stead. I shall monitor the situation incognito and take her place if the situation goes awry,” Raiden said with a shrug.

“No offense mom, but you’re not very good at hiding,” Ami told her bluntly. “You put on ‘disguises’ when we go out shopping and everyone still knows who you are, even when you wear different clothes.”

Raiden did stand out, with her purple hair, irises, and of course, the faint aura of power that always radiated from her. She would wear sunglasses and a hat, and change into a T-shirt and jeans, but it was still painfully obvious she was the Raiden Shogun to anyone who spared even a glance at her.

“I shall be truly disguised,” Raiden stated, and then she transformed into a bolt of purple lightning. Kenta was about to say that wasn’t going to cut it, but then the lightning flowed into Raiden’s sword, which Tsukuyomi took.

“I shall not fail you,” the robot said, taking the sword and bowing to it slightly. She slung the sword on her waist and nodded. “I am the Raiden Shogun. Let none question my authority.”

“Ok, that’s not bad,” Kenta admitted grudgingly. He met Tsukuyomi’s impassive gaze. “How much do you know about making diplomatic small talk?”

“I have several scripted conversations downloaded, along with access to a file containing Japan’s current foreign and domestic objectives,” came the rather monotone reply.

“To be fair, Raiden doesn’t really make small talk,” Clara pointed out. “If she did start being friendly and kind, I think people would probably notice.”

“Clarifying point: I am also the Raiden Shogun,” Tsukuyomi stated. “You refer to my creator, Ei.”

“Her name isn’t Raiden?” Clara asked, sounding confused.

“It’s more of a title,” Kenta explained. “Just like people who call her the Narukami Oshogo or the Electro Archon. Her personal name is just Ei. Though I don’t think very many people know that.”

“Correct,” Ei’s voice said, reverberating slightly from the sword. “Only you, the Emperor, and Ami know though. Clara may refer to me as Ei since she is my chosen ward’s close friend, but only in intimate circumstances such as this. In public, I am the Raiden Shogun.”

“This is really weird, mom. I mean, it’s cool too, but can you stop being a sword while we’re talking?” Ami asked.

Ei popped back out of the sword, standing beside Tsukuyomi. Right next to one another, they really were nearly identical. The only point of difference that Kenta could see was that they were actually mirror images of one another. Ei had a beauty mark below her left eye, while in Tsukuyomi’s case, it was under her right. She also wore her hair ornament on the other side, and her outfit was mirrored as well.

“You know, people are going to notice that you’re mirror twins when you show up in public,” Kenta pointed out. “There are enough observant people that they’ll pick out anything that seems wrong.”

“Yes,” Tsukuyomi agreed, and her skin and clothing flashed with lightning for a moment. Then she was a completely perfect clone of Ei. “When in public, I shall take this appearance.”

Raiden frowned at her clone. “But now she is the opposite of me. Before she was a perfect match.”

The three humans in the room quietly digested this revelation for a moment, then Ami and Clara started giggling and covering their faces with their hands, while Kenta sighed heavily. “Ei…things appear opposite of you in a mirror.”

“Oh…yes. I knew that,” Ei said hastily, blushing slightly.

“Correct. You merely forgot,” Tsukuyomi stated flatly. “It is of no consequence. Altering my form to be a more perfect double is a part of my functions.”

“Right. Well, why don’t all of you take a look,” Kenta said, pulling out a folder. “Because Lord Nakamura instructed me to make sure Raiden and her ward knew the protocol for a formal diplomatic function.”

“I have attended diplomatic events in the past,” Ei said, sounding slightly offended.

“Yes. But those events took place more than 500 years ago in Liyue, Mondstadt, and Sumeru, as well as in Inazuma. We do not yet possess memories of how to attend diplomatic functions in Japan,” Tsukuyomi pointed out. “Do not trouble yourself, Creator. I will-”

“Mom,” Ami corrected.

Tsukuyomi frowned at Ami. “It is rude to interrupt me. But you have a question for my Maker, or me?”

“No, you call her mom. Or mother,” Ami said, pointing. “Also, change back. It’s weird when you both look the same.”

Tsukuyomi stayed frozen, her eyes darting to Ei, who considered the matter. “It is acceptable for you to call me ‘mother’ as Ami does. From a certain perspective, you are indeed my daughter.” Ei paused for a moment, looking uncertain, then continued, “Additionally, there were…errors…with your predecessors. The first project was a failure. The second Shogun had…flaws. Perhaps this variable will ensure you are able to perform your function of bringing about Eternity more completely.”

“I see. I will comply... Mother.” Tsukuyomi switched her appearance back to a mirror image of Ei, then regarded her maker for a moment. “If I am to appear differently than you in private, may I take a further step?”

Ei nodded and motioned for her to do so.

Drawing her sword, Tsukuyomi gripped her hair, making as if to cut it.

“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” Clara and Ami wailed. “Don’t!”

The robot hesitated. “You do not wish for me to alter my appearance?”

“No, it’s a good idea,” Clara agreed. “But…”

“If you just cut it with a sword it’s going to look HORRIBLE. We can fix it!” Ami added.

Clara rummaged in their packs, and took out an entire kit for cutting and styling hair. “Don’t worry, we’re prepared!”

“Well, you can do that, but only if you both stay and listen to protocol lessons. And no, you’re not getting out of this, Ei. So sit right there and I’m going to explain how to act in a formal setting. Also, we got you some new clothes for this.”

“What is wrong with my clothes? I have worn this outfit for centuries,” the Raiden demanded in stereo, with both Tsukuyomi and Ei looking highly offended.

“That, actually, is the problem. So when we’re done here, the royal tailors will present you with a variety of new clothes, from more Western gowns and suits to traditional kimonos.

“It’ll be fun!” Ami said excitedly as she and Clara set to work undoing Tsukuyomi’s braid and preparing to cut it. Clara even held out several pictures from a barber, showing various haircuts.

“Which one do you like? It’s our first time, so it might be a little rough, but you’ll use your powers to disguise yourself when the party starts, right?” Clara asked.

Tsukuyomi nodded slowly, then looked at the pictures.

“Do you want a new haircut, mom?” Ami asked.

“No,” Ei said firmly. “My hair is practical, and a braid befits a warrior. Also…the last person to cut my hair was Makoto. She liked this haircut.”

“Oh. Ok, but If you change your mind, we can do it!” Ami said happily.

Murasaki popped out of the void, and pointed to one of the pictures. “Might I say, you’d look ravishing in this one, Elder Sister.”

Kenta began his lecture while his captive audience endured it. Ei’s eyes glazed over after about five minutes and he was pretty sure she was doing the godly equivalent of napping with her eyes open, but Tsukuyomi took things very seriously, and asked a number of questions. What countries favored a handshake? Which countries were the most important to glad hand? How should she make a toast?  As hostess, was it appropriate for her to give gifts, or accept tribute? And so on.

Kenta almost felt like this might work out after all.

In the end, Tsukuyomi settled on a simple and practical bob cut, which despite the ineptitude of her hairdressers came out looking rather flattering on her. If Kenta wasn’t mistaken, she also shrank her bust slightly and softened her features. Instead of a perfect clone, Tsukuyomi now resembled a teenage version of Raiden. Had Ei ever been a teenager? Technically probably, though that was a question for later.

“Right, it’s time to get your clothes, then we’ll take you on a tour of the palace and see if anyone notices you’ve been switched, and we’ll have you train the Sentai in blade work,” Kenta said, gesturing toward the portal back to their home dimension.

“And I shall remain with you,” Ei said, and slipped back into the sword.

“Very well,” Tsukuyomi said, and her appearance shifted back to that of Raiden. “Let us depart.”

The first test was the tailors, who had Raiden’s measurements. The duplicate passed this with flying colors, making only terse remarks to the woman who helped her dress and select her clothes. She ended up rejecting all the western-inspired garments, save for a couple of dresses Kenta insisted she would need for her upcoming overseas visits, and went with an array of traditional kimonos. All of them had the same purple hues that Ei herself enjoyed, and wore even in her casual outfits. As far as Kenta could tell, Ei hadn’t said a word throughout the whole thing, and Kenta took it to mean that Tsukuyomi either had the same taste as her mother, or she was just very good at emulating her.

After that came the training with the Sentai. Not all of them were technically capes, some were normal humans who were simply expert blademasters and that Raiden was grooming as potential masters of her style of fighting. No one noticed any difference, and if Kenta hadn’t known of the swap, he wouldn’t have either. Tsukuyomi was terse, commanding, and brutally effective. Even when Jugan the Verdant Star, himself a cape with several brute powers that enhanced his strength and endurance, dueled the Shogun, she utterly dominated him. She wasn’t even using any of her abilities that Kenta or anyone else could see: She was just that good.

“As deadly as ever, your Excellency,” Jugan panted, bowing deeply after he’d been defeated again. “And as instructive. It is an honor.”

“Kenta,” Raiden called, nodding to him. “Now you.”

Kenta started, and shared a quick glance with Keiga, who was kneeling next to him on the side of the training area. This wasn’t a scheduled duel, and normally he and Raiden didn’t clash in public.

“Are you certain, my Lady?” Kenta asked, rising slowly and picking up his katana.

“Yes. It will be good for the others to see an expression of their Archon’s power. It has been too long,” Raiden stated.

Kenta nodded slowly, then stepped into the arena.

“No. Not like that. Prepare yourself,” Raiden ordered, and then a glowing purple bubble sprouted around them, promoting gasps from outside. Those soon vanished, as did all sound, and the arena seemed to grow in size as the space was distorted around them. From an observer's point of view, they would have seemed to shrink, but Kenta suspected that the new godling was testing her powers and warping reality itself.

“Is this wise, Tsukuyomi?” he asked quietly.

“Wise or not. I must know the true extent of my familiar’s powers. Prepare yourself,” Tsukuyomi ordered, falling into a fighting stance, her sword held at high guard.

Kenta considered it, then grinned. It had been too long since he’d had a real fight. He grabbed his robe and removed it, tossing it to the side. Rolling his shoulders and cracking his neck, he grinned. “It’s been too long since I let the Dragon out.”

Then in a flash of lightning, Tsukuyomi struck. A normal human wouldn’t have even been able to follow her motion, but Kenta’s blood crackled with power. Horns sprouted from his forehead, and he doubled in size, purple scales growing on his shoulders and back as he roared and met the attack with a slash of his blade.

The ring of the two god-forged blades striking was like that of a temple bell, and Kenta snarled, his teeth becoming fangs as his eyes flashed with inner lightning. The only sign from Tsukuyomi was a small twitch of a smile. That line about her wanting to know Kenta’s limits was horseshit.

The newly minted Lightning General wanted to know her own.

What came next would have been too fast and furious for mortal eyes to follow at all, if Tsukuyomi’s bubble of reality hadn’t also distorted time, so that within it flowed at a glacial pace compared to that outside. Even slowed down to less than a tenth of normal time from an outside perspective, the battle was still too fast for outsiders to truly follow everything unless they had their senses enhanced by a Vision or Thinker powers of some kind.

Kenta soon found that even his vastly enhanced reflexes and speed were no match for Tsukuyomi’s. Clone or not, she had Raiden’s powers. He was blasted with lightning as well, as the godling teleported around him and struck from all sides, and he soon cast down his sword as it grew too small for his increasingly draconic hands. His size swelled until the arena itself had to expand as he breathed lightning and fury at his opponent, storm clouds swelling around him.

Soon he was as large as a bus, then as tall as a three-story building, then big enough to dwarf even the Imperial Palace. His blows caused titanic earthquakes, and his breath would have been enough to destroy city blocks while his roar would have shattered the ears of listeners for kilometers.

Even so, when he did connect with Tsukoyomi, which was not often, she weathered the assault. She was built of something more than any mortal, though her disguise faded as the battle grew in intensity. Soon she wore her own youthful face, and her teeth were bared in a delighted grin as they fought. At last, she delivered a blow that sent Kenta plummeting from the sky to slam into the ground, a stroke that would have shattered mountains, but only cut Kenta shallowly.

His fall broke the either and caused it to tremble strongly enough to topple buildings and cause tsunamis, and he lay there, gasping for breath, his chest heaving as his body crackled with spent power.

Tsukoyomi plummeted from the sky, blade first, power streaming from her, descending like the lightning she was. Inches from Kenta, she halted, as a third individual emerged onto the field.

“Enough. You have proven your strength,” Ei declared, manifested from Tsukuyomi’s own sword and holding her in the air with but a gesture. “You are a worthy double, but I will not have you slay Mushu. Are you so defective you have lost control?”

“No, Mother,” Tsukuyomi panted. “Look where my blow would have fallen.”

Kenta’s own eyes tracked it, and he realized she would have buried the blade in the Earth by his head. So she hadn’t been actually trying to kill him, though truth be told, somewhere along the line, his draconic nature had taken over, and he’d certainly been trying to kill her. That made him feel guilty, though not as much as the anger he felt that he’d lost.

“YOU WIN,” he growled, and he began to shrink back to human size.

Tsukuyomi nodded and bowed. She turned to Ei. “If I have erred, I apologize. I simply wished to test myself as your vessel.”

“It is well,” Ei said, making a gesture of negation. “I too wished to test myself when I was younger. To seek one's limits through combat is the only way to truly know what you are capable of. There are few enough opponents in this world that can match you for even a few minutes. But beware: Mushu did not seek your death in truth. And there is one being that could end you utterly. Do not cross the Sustainer.”

“Not yet,” Tsukuyomi agreed.

Ei’s sudden blow sent Tsukuyomi plowing into the ground even deeper than Kenta was. She hovered over them both, her eyes furious. “No. Do not speak that aloud. Do not consider it. Not until I say it is time. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” Tsukuyomi gasped, jerking a nod.

“Good. I have altered this space so I did not reveal myself, and your disguise remained intact. Return to my private plane. We will talk there.”

Then Ei vanished, even as Tsukuyomi resumed Raiden’s form. She was blushing slightly. “Apologies, honored dragon. I have misused you.”

“I don’t mind,” Kenta said, groaning as he stood up on two legs, his human form restored. He walked over to his katana as the arena shrunk back down. “I enjoyed it actually. We’ll do it again some time, kid.”

Tsukuyomi grinned, or at least, did the Raiden version of a grin as she gave him a small smile. “I look forward to it.”

When they returned to reality, it turned out hours had passed, but no one had departed. Indeed, more had gathered, and all had been awestruck to witness such an incredible display of power. Keiga hurried over to Kenta and checked to see if he was well, which he hastily assured her he was.

“When I saw you take Raiden’s blow, I was so worried for you,” Keiga said, burying her face in Kenta’s bare chest.

“Ah, we were just playing. Nothing to worry about babe,” Kenta laughed.

“Were you?” Keiga traced an angry red line that hadn’t been there before across Kenta’s chest. The scar wasn’t tender, but it was still fresh.

“Well, I mean, maybe we got a little carried away,” Kenta admitted. “But it’s fine. I haven’t really stretched my legs like that in a while.”

“Well, excuse yourself to the shogun, because I think you might need some… tender, loving care,” Keiga informed him. “Let’s head back to our room.”

Kenta grinned widely. “Yes ma’am!”

The next evening, Kenta and Keiga were in formal attire for the first diplomatic gala Japan had hosted in some time. The President of South Korea was attending, as was the Vietnamese Prime Minister, the Australian Minister of Foreign Affairs, and several other important figures from Oceania and Southeast Asia. There were diplomats from Europe and the United States as well, though notably, there was only an undersecretary from China. The Chinese Union Imperial was still in a state of crisis, with multiple rebellions and massive civil unrest taking place. Plus, with Raiden largely responsible for most of that, relations between Beijing and Tokyo were strained to put it politely.

“Are you nervous?” Keiga asked, leaning on Kenta’s arm.

He grunted. “Yes, but not for myself. Or for you. You look great.”

Like most of the Japanese attendees, they were both dressed in kimonos, Kenta in purple in black with a simple pattern, Keiga in blue with patterns of waves and aquatic plants on hers.

“I figured. She is a god you know, she doesn’t need you to babysit her. Raiden can handle herself,” Keiga told him.

Kenta made another noncommittal noise. He wasn’t sure Ei could handle herself. He was even more unsure about Tsukuyomi.

However, as she greeted each of the more important guests politely as they came to introduce themselves or pay homage, Kenta started to relax. She was, in fact, more personable than Raiden, making some brief small talk and appropriate remarks. They were all business, though impressively in the native tongue of each of the diplomats. But she would remark on some aspect of that nation that was admirable, or on some history of friendship, and even a few remarks about current affairs.

He sidled up to Nakamura, who had a glass of wine in his hand and looked like he wanted to guzzle it. “She’s not doing bad, is she?”

“Better than I feared, worse than I’d hoped,” Nakamura said, giving Kenta a polite smile and keeping his voice low. “But be careful. Someone’s going to have brought a Thinker or a Stranger along to listen in on us.”

“Sure, sure. But it can’t be a secret our god is a goof at this point,” Kenta said with a shrug.

Nakamura gave him a pained look, but Keiga giggled at Kenta’s side. “You know it’s true, Lord Nakamura. As much as I love her Excellency…she can be slightly odd.”

Nakamura muttered under his breath, and Kenta probably hadn’t been intended to hear it, but he did make out, “She’s a clown, and I’m the damn ringmaster.”

He snorted, but he circulated around to where Tsukuyomi was talking to the President of the Philippines. “And our new initiative will start with Davao, of course. Provided you sign the treaty, we will provide humanitarian aid and manufactured goods and raw materials to rebuild.”

“But will you yourself intervene in the case of another Endbringer attack?” the President demanded. “Rebuilding is all well and good, but-”

“That would require further negotiation. But at this time, I am not willing to offer myself as a deterrent. There is great risk for me to take the field against such foes,” Tsukuyomi said. Kenta agreed though he had a feeling she was more worried about pissing off Scion than actual danger. Or Ei was. He wasn’t sure on that actually. “However, perhaps an arrangement concerning my familiar, Mushu, and the Sentai could be reached, with the proper concessions.”

“I don’t know…” the Philippine head of state said uncertainly.

“Hey, have you seen the recording of my fight with her Excellency yesterday? I heard there were earthquakes in Tokyo for hours!” Kenta laughed, putting an arm around the man's shoulders. The much shorter politician flinched slightly, and his attendants stiffened, but Kenta continued, “You know, I’m an Endslayer too. Not The Endslayer, you know, but I held the fish still when she punched! Here, let me show you a clip, the whole thing’s hours long, but a few minutes might interest you…”

He steered the president away from Tsukuyomi, and then paused when he saw another disaster ticking down towards doom. “Uh, Keiga, will you check on the girls? Just make sure they’re doing OK.”

Keiga turned, and then paled. Clara and Ami had out a Jumpty Dumpty, and were playing catch. “I’ll take care of them.” She strode off, the water in glasses around her sloshing as she rolled up her sleeves.

As it turned out, a lot of diplomats were VERY Interested in seeing clips of Kenta and Tsukuyomi’s fight. The images were a little blurry due to the spatial and time distortion, but the few minutes they showed made Kenta look pretty damn good, and quite strong.

“This is…real? Not a simulation?” the Vietnamese Prime Minister asked, turning to Kenta.

“Sure is. At our training facility, you see,” Kenta said with a shrug. “We were holding back, of course. Didn’t want to level Tokyo.”

That generated a buzz of conversation, and Nakamura grinned. By the end of the night, no treaties were signed, but several governments indicated they were very interested in negotiating deals with Japan that involved Kenta and the Sentai helping in case of an Endbringer attack.

By the time the Raiden Shogun departed on her world tour a few days later, things were looking up for Japan's foreign relations, and for their economic future. And even for Nakamura’s heart palpitations.

For her part, Ei finally managed to read all of both Action Comics and One Piece. After all, One Piece had only been going for four years at that point. Kenta decided to order her every issue of Shonen Jump that had been printed. Something had to keep her occupied as he escorted Tsukuyomi around the world.

A Clash of NEETs, Chapter 64

Beta’d and edited by The Grand Cogitator, Yae Miko, and Philosphysics

Brought to you by my discord poll, who decided they wanted a bit more of the madness this month.

Like a jewel amidst the sands, Sunspear normally shone atop the cliffs of the Broken Arm, its whitewashed walls gleaming in the bright sun of Dorne. It overlooked the bright blue waters of the sea, and in its ports were ships of every imaginable kind, from the Swan Ships of the Summer Isles to Ironborn longships, each of them bringing in goods and buying up the products of Dorne. Within the walls of the city were many golden domes, from the Great Sept of a Thousand Arms, the center of Satella’s worship in Westeros, to the Old Palace itself, slightly smaller and less grand.

The streets of Sunspear were normally crowded with merchants, knights, and the townsfolk themselves, all sweating in the sun or waiting under the shade of the many colorful awnings in the bazaars. That was within the Winding Walls at least, and outside was the Shadow City, a collection of hovels and mudbrick buildings that housed the less fortunate of Sunspear.

Now, the sky above Dorne was black with ash as the Shadow City burned, and the streets were crowded not with trade, but with huddled refugees. The harbor itself was burning as well, with the ships that had tried to flee laying siege, their crews drowned zombies that had risen from the deep. The sands were black with blood and bile from the risen dead, and the Winding Walls were stained with battle.

Flocks of gargoyles and winged undead attacked from the sky, while a horde of undead spilled from the sands at the behest of the necromancers. And in command of it all, a figure of shadow and ice stood, a hulking behemoth who had smashed the Threefold Gate with his runeblade, and been driven off only when the Chief Septon of the Envy Cult himself along with the Sister-Captain of the Faith Militant Obara Sand had stood together against the Death Knight. Now the Septon was in Satella’s halls, and Captain Sand was grievously injured.

For now, the traitor Gregor Clegane oversaw his undead hordes as they fell upon the ruined gates, slowly wearing down the defenders. He had already recovered from his injuries and soon would lead the final assault to the keep, and the sacking of the city. Plague cauldrons were being prepared, and before the city even fell, her populace would fall and rise to serve him. He smiled, baring yellowed teeth behind decaying lips. Ice covered the sand where he stood, and he knew that the time of his triumph was nigh.

“My lord, there is a disturbance from the sea,” a necromancer said, shuffling forward as he leaned upon his twisted staff of bone.

“It matters not. Even if the entirety of the Royal Fleet were to arrive, Sunspear would still fall,” the Mountain growled, gripping his runeblade tighter.

“It is a lone ship my lord, but it seems to have members of the cursed Faith Militant aboard.”

“Then these new brothers can die with the rest,” Gregor sneered. He turned to face the gate again. “Ready the catapults. We strike as soon as the sun sets. Let the plague cleanse this city of life.”

He ignored the one small ship that was moving into the bay, and thus, missed the flash of flames as two of the raised ships went up. Nor did he see a boy leap across the water to the docks, spear at the ready.

Dust landed amidst splintering wood and ruined ships, his nostrils flaring in pure fury. A dozen ghouls rushed him, slavering for his blood, but he flowed like smoke and lightning, striking the monster down in a whirl of steel. Behind him, the ship slid into the dock, and Lean lept ashore, surrounded by half a dozen Brothers of the Faith Militant, Sandor Clegane at their head.

“RIGHT BOYS!” Sandor bellowed. “LET’S CLEAR THIS FILTH OUT!”

“FAITH AND FURY!” the Brothers roared, and they charged forward towards dust, even as more undead appeared from the ruined docks. Behind them, Lean pointed, and lightning struck from the dark sky, blasting several zombies to pieces. The battle was soon joined, the weapons of Sandor and his Brothers glowing with Athena’s power, while Dust raged like a whirlwind of death.

“Come on, Shae!” Lean called, even as Jory helped a cringing Varys out of the ship. “It’s not safe here!”

“I-I understand that, my Lady, I just…are you sure it’s safer there?” Shae asked, looking up into the city with clear dread. In the distance, they could see one of the defensive ballista fire, and hear the shriek of a gargoyle as it was struck and fell to earth.

“If we stay here my girl, then the Kvaldir are sure to find us,” Varys said, adjusting his iron skullcap and hefting a sturdy mace. He was no longer dressed in perfumed robes, but wore a leather jerkin and skirt, and carried an iron buckler. Jory was dressed in mail and leather himself, and bore his sword and shield emblazoned with the Wolf of Winterfell.

Shae nodded and clambered out of the boat, sticking as close to Lean as possible. Despite the fact that she was still no more than a slip of a girl and the smallest of the four, no one doubted that Lean was also by far the best qualified to face down the hordes of the undead, proven again when a hideous bloated beast with the head of a cow and the amalgamation of a dozen corpses of men and beast attempted to flank Dust and the Brothers.

Lean stretched out her hand, and with a short incantation, a ball of flames the size of her head struck the creature. It roared in pain as it was consumed, and attempted to turn to attack. Varys bashed it with his mace and Jory slammed his shield against it, but it did not fall until Lean sent a second ball of flame that took off the abombination’s misshapen head.

“I knew the desert was perilous, but surely it is not normally this bad,” Lean panted, flagging slightly. Shae hastily steadied Lean, but the young champion was steady again in moments.

“The deserts have been plagued by the undead since the time of the Kinslayer,” Varys said, stepping gingerly over the festering corpse. “But such an incursion has not taken place since the time of Baelor the Blessed and the Divine Twins.”

“This is worse than anything I’ve heard of, even beyond the Wall,” Jory agreed. “We must make haste for the Citadel.”

They fought their way through the docks, putting down risen corpses and fighting off shrieking gargoyles, even slaying a necromancer that had been attempting to raise the bodies of fallen small folk. Lean hastily cremated the bodies with her flames, and then they finally made it to the gates. A mob of zombies battered at them, but they were stoutly defended by Dornishmen and Envy cultists, whose powers had already put many of the undead to rest.

“BACK OFF MY PEOPLE!” Dust shouted, and dove into the fray, his spear whirling as Lean threw fire and wind before him. They charged through, Sandor and the brothers fanning out around them and striking down the undead in a wedge formation, Jory, Varys and Shae in the center behind the empowered heroes.

Before they even made it to the wall, the gates opened and several knights sallied forth, backed up by brothers of the Faith Militant and Envy cultists. The Undead were crushed between the two forces, and soon the area before the gate was clear. The lead knight raised his visor as he cantered up to Dust, his shield bearing a red cockatrice on a yellow field, a black serpent clutched in the beak. “Is that you, Prince Dust? Thank the Envious One, we feared for your safety.”

“It’s me, Lord Gargalen,” Dust said, waving and bowing slightly. “This is Princess Lean Baratheon, and Brother Clegane, along with Lord Varys and Miss Shay. Where is my father, Arianne, Quentyn? Are they OK?”

“Princess? Clegane?” Lord Gargalen’s eyebrows rose, but he shook his head. “Not the time for introductions or questions. Inside, quickly. The filth shall rally soon.”

Once they were back behind the walls, Lord Gargalen dismounted and bowed to Lean and Dust both. “We are grateful the Goddesses have sent such help in our time of need. Truly, this is a time for the Children of Destiny to arise. But…Brother Clegane? You must be Sandor Clegane then, called the Hound?”

“Aye, and what of it?” Sandor growled, resting his hand on the pommel of his axe.

Gargalan looked disturbed, as did several of the men at arms. One of the Brothers that had been defending the wall leaned close to Gargalan, and said in a voice that would carry, “He has the blessing of My Lady. He is no false Brother.”

“Do you question me?” Sandor sneered, his scared face contorting into a fearsome shape.

“No, no, I apologize. It is just…your brother. Do you know what has befallen him?” Gargalan asked, looking disturbed.

Sandor’s face contorted even further to that of a demon. “He’s here? My traitorous bastard of a brother is here?”

“Aye. He led the assault until Sister-Captain Sand and the Archsepton of Envy repelled him,” Lord Gargalan said, shaking his head slowly. “The Archsepton fell, but-”

“Cousin Obara?! Is she OK!?” Dust interrupted, looking stricken.

“She yet lives, but her wounds are grave,” Lord Gargalan said, shaking himself. “My apologies. You must go to your father in the palace at once. Horses! Horses for the Prince and his party!”

“No need,” Dust said, and scooped up Lean, who gasped but clung to his neck eagerly. “I can get there faster.”

Then with a leap that cracked the stone beneath him, Dust launched himself into the air, soaring high up over the city. He looked down with horror, seeing parts of the city burning, sections of the wall where men fought for their lives against swarms of undead. There was a shriek, and Dust swung his head as he began to fall, seeing a gargoyle swoop down at him.

“Fireball!” Lean blasted it out of the sky, but the force of her spell sent them tumbling down through the air. Dust managed to land on his feet, but he tripped and fell, spilling Lean and tumbling across the stone.

“The city,” Dust said, clutching his head with one hand as tears trickled down his cheeks. “Sunspear, it’s falling! Lean, who do we do!?”

“It’s OK,” Lean said gently, taking out a hankie and wiping the tears from Dust’s grimy cheeks. “We’re here to help and fight. We beat Gregor once, and we can do it again!”

“Yeah, I guess,” Dust said, sniffling slightly. He stood up, picking Lean up again, and lept up several more levels. A few more jumps brought him to the palace gardens, where Dust had spent much of his childhood playing amidst the palms and flowers. Now it was filled with the wounded and dying, with desperate doctors and septa’s trying to save people from succumbing to their wounds, and likely rising again. There was a burning funeral pyre, where dead bodies were immediately thrown, some of them already struggling.

As Dust and Lean landed, one of the Renewal septas looked up and gasped. “Prince Dust! The Children of Destiny have returned!”

There was a general clamor, and Dust blushed as he set Lean down. She tried to hide her tail at first, until one of the patients noticed it and cried out. “She’s one too! We’re saved! Satella has sent her champions!”

“Um, technically it was ah, Eris and Aqua,” Lean said, blushing at the comment. No one seemed to mind though, with the hue and cry being raised that the Prince had returned with another champion.

It wasn’t long until a Maester took the two of them through the palace, to where Dust’s father, Prince Doran Martell and his bannermen made their plans in the great hall. Doran was perched up on a platform where he could oversee the map of the city, sitting in his chair and issuing orders.

“Reinforce the southern walls, and direct our siege engines to target theirs. We have rumors of Plague spreading,” Doran ordered, and a messenger was dispatched and pieces on the map moved.

“My Lord,” the Maester called, “Prince Dust has returned with reinforcements!”

Doran looked up, and when he saw his youngest son, he looked relieved for a moment, then saddened. Dust wasn’t sure what to make with that, and hesitantly stepped forward, bowing to his father. “Um, I’ve come home, sir.”

“So you have, in our darkest hour,” Doran said quietly. He motioned for two servants to help him to his feet, then brace him as they lived the prince down to his son. Doran put a hand on Dust’s shoulder and smiled. “My heart wishes you had not returned, but were yet safe, but my mind knows you may be our last hope. You brought reinforcements?”

“Um, well, not much,” Dust admitted. “Six brothers of the Faith Militant, Jory, Varys, Shae, and Lean. And me too, I guess.”

“Lean?” Doran looked over to Lean, who blushed herself and bowed.

“Yes, I am Lean Baratheon, Prince Doran. I’ve come to help.”

“Not much?” Doran said, and then his body shook as he chuckled, then coughed. Dust looked up, horrified, until his father managed to speak. “My son, you have brought to this city not one, but two champions of the Divine. The only possibly better news was that you had come with the Stormborn herself. You are both needed sorely. I hate to press children into battle, but…needs must. You must go to the Threefold Gate. The assault will soon begin there anew.”

“You’re not mad? Or disappointed?” Dust asked, sounding uncertain.

Doran drew Dust to his breast and gave him a hug, even though the motion clearly pained him, and his servants had to struggle to keep him upright. “Never, my son. You have done well. We will talk later. For now, go, and do what the goddesses sent you to do.”

“You got it, pops!” Dust said happily. “Come on, Lean, let’s go kick names and take ass!”

Doran let out a heavy sigh of pain, though whether or not that was from Dust’s mangling of the language or his gout. He was eased back into his chair, and Dust and Lean both turned and raced from the citadel. Despite his pain, Doran smiled. “Be well, my son. You are our last hope.”

Outside, Dust carried Lean once more, leaping back down the summit to the lower gate, where the fighting was still fierce. Withered remains of those who had perished in the desert assaulted the gate in endless waves, sand scoured mummies that shambled forward with pitted blades or gnarled claws of bone. Individually the undead were no threat, but tens of thousands of them attacked the city now, and while they did not move swiftly, they were a challenge to put down for good. Hacking off a limb did not inconvenience them, only destroying their skulls or chests where the animating magic dwelled would put them down.

At the forefront of the battle were what remained of the city's best armored knights and Brothers, supplemented with what Axis or Envy septons and septas there were. Pikes and arrows tried to find off the gargoyles, the horrors carved from cursed sandstone and animated with foul magic. Rotting vultures dove into the defenses to spread contamination and rot, and necromancers chanted spells to drive their minions forward.

At the center of the barricade made from the shattered gates a tall man stood, his massive axe cleaving in the heads of ghouls one after another. Sandor roared challenges to his brother, demanding that Gergor come and face him. Jory stood at his side, and though he was but a mortal man, he fought as well as any on the line.

Dust and Lean landed on the ramparts above the fight, and both waded into battle right away. At Lean’s command, the winds whipped up, sending gargoyles crashing to the ground, and another spell sent fire raining down on the mass of undead below. Their dry skin and bones ignited easily, and the inferno was so intense that Dust had to shy back before he lept down.

Seeing the flames, Sandor let out an oath and shied back, his axe hanging down at his side as he looked on in horror. One hand went to touch the melted skin of his face, and for a moment he was not in the present, but the past, and was a scared boy who was pleading for mercy as his brother laughed.

But Sandor was no longer that beaten boy, nor a cringing hound. He felt the power of his patron stir in his chest, and snarling, he stepped forward, raising his axe.

Even as he did so, ice washed over the battlefield, and the flames were quenched. A dark armored figure the size of a Mountain stepped forward.

Brother. I would have thought you’d have run at the first sight of the flames. Since when does a beaten cur bite back?

A groan of despair arose from the defenders, white the undead moaned in triumph as their Death Knight took the field once more.

“I’m no one’s dog anymore, and the power in me is greater than the vile spawn you serve,” Sandor spat, stepping forward onto the ice. At his treat, it shattered and melted away, a soft golden light growing around Sandor. His axe began to crackle with power, and his eyes glowed with Athena’s blessing as he raised it. “Come at me! You’re no brother of mine anymore! Let us end this!”

With a bellow, the brothers Clegane charged, and their weapons struck one another, ringing with power as they collided. Both men let blows fly that were powerful enough to shatter bones and demolish armor, but the magic flowing through them and their mighty stature allowed them to meet and parry each one. The Mountain’s cold wrath met the Hound's desperate fury, and for a few moments, the two titans dueled alone before the Threefold Gate.

But it was not to last. The undead surged forward again, and Dust leapt down to meet them, his spear whirling as he cut down abominations that would have towered over even the Mountain, and ranks of endless ghouls. The Faith Militant stood with him, with the two champions dueling at the center. Any who came too close were bashed aside in the deadly blood feud, and the battle raged on.

Though at first Sandor’s attacks were the equal of his treacherous brother’s, he was the younger and smaller of the two, and the unholy strength of a Death Knight and the magics he commanded far surpassed the blessings Athena bestowed upon her cult. Sandor was driven back, and the living defenders were pressed back with him.

Then Dust was there, his spear flashing in the smoky light to bite at Gregor’s dark armor. “Hey, remember me? I’m the one who killed you!”

“Impudent child!” Gregor turned like a bear being baited, swinging his runeblade as it glowed with an unholy light. Dust’s spear met it, but this time, it was Dust who was beaten back. “When last we fought, I was but a weak man of flesh! Now I have been remade in the Lich King’s own image!”

“Yeah, but you’re still ugly,” Dust taunted, dancing back even as skeletal hands rose up from the glowing ice to grasp at him.

Sandor roared and pressed forward with his own assault, but such was the unnatural speed and might of a Death Knight that Gregor was able to fight both at once. Zombies and ghouls poured in at the Death Knight’s wordless command, and even the Faith Militant could not fight them back as Dust and Sandor fought for their lives against the unholy champion and his minions.

Then a fireball screamed down from above, crashing into Gregor’s armor. The magic runes warding him flared and dispersed the attack, but it gave Sandor an opening as his brother staggered. The Hound stepped in, his axe coming down right upon the Mountain’s head. His brother managed to jerk to the side, but he took the blow upon his gorget, and the metal screamed as the goddess-blessed steel struck cursed craftsmanship.

For a moment, Sandor grinned in triumph, but then he attempted to pull free his axe. The weapon caught, he was left vulnerable. Seeing his chance, Gregor swung his own weapon up, though his angle was bad, and he struck Sandor in the side. The steel shattered, and Sandor grunted in pain as the cursed weapon bit into him.

You’ll never be stronger than me, brother. Kneel now, and I will allow you to serve me in death, Gregor taunted.

Sandor responded with all the tact and diplomacy he was famous for. “Fuck off.”

Drawing his side sword, Sandor slammed it into his brother’s open mouth with all the fury of the Faith Militant behind him. The blade drove through the back of Gregor’s skull, and he slumped to the ground, dead again.

Staggering, Sandor was dragged to the ground by his brother’s weapon embedded in his side, gasping in pain as the unholy magic began to weaken him. All around him, more zombies attacked, and he grimaced. “Fuck. Shouldn’t that have killed them?”

But the zombies were not solely tied to the one Death Knight. Other runeblades were lifted, and the enemy siege weapons began to fire, sending spiraling barrels of Plague into the city.

Dust fought on, but even his supernatural strength and skill couldn’t let him hold the gate forever. Lean was growing weary, her spells coming less frequently, and having less impact. The defender’s hearst quailed, and they cried out in panic as the Plague began its foul work, striking down even those hale and uninjured, and bringing them back to live as slavering undead. Even with the Mountain brought low, all hope seamed lost, as the plague catapults reloaded for another shot.

Dust readied his weapon as another Death Knight strode forward to take Gregor’s place, but his heart trembled, and Lean screamed in frustration and fear as more gargoyles strike from on high.

Then, the Dragons Roared.

Out of the black sky, flame and death descended. Three dragons dove upon the enemy, their breath illuminating the battlefield in a flash of destruction. Lightning flashed, and smote the necromancers at their cauldrons, and the undead quailed.

At the Threefold Gate, an armored figure fell from on high, landing like a thunderbolt. Her sword glowed with power, her silver hair streaming behind her as she rose, lightning running down her limbs.

“Fear not! Your queen has returned! SACRED EXPLODE!”

The Death Knight was struck down at a single blow, and Dust and Lean looked on in awe as Iris Targaryen, the Storm Born, took the field.

Dust was good at fighting, always had been, and while Lean would have been the most potent mage in centuries to fight for Westeros, they would have fallen alone. But together? Together, they had been a significant portion of the strength of the defenders ever since they had arrived, barely holding back the tide of evil.

Iris did not hold back the tide. She annihilated it.

The spells she cast shattered entire formations, and her sword cleaved abominations in half by the dozen at a single stroke. Her dragons flew above her, their fire burning a path before their mother. Two more champions landed and strode beside Iris, one calling down lightning and fire, the other with a shining rapier that pierced any armor.

Feeling his heart lift, Dust scrambled forward to fight at Iris’ side. Lean was not far behind him. They took up a position on her left, the other two champions at the Queen’s right, and together the five of them scoured the undead from the battlefield. What few that did survive their onslaught fled back into the dunes, to be harried by the dragons until they were scattered to the winds.

At last, after hours of fighting, the Children of Destiny stood alone upon the field. Dust was breathing hard, leaning on his spear, while Lean was sitting down and looking dazed and drained.

“Thank you,” Dust gasped. “You came at just the right time.”

Lean nodded. “You saved us, your Grace.”

“I could not let Winterfell fall, not to the undead,” Iris declared.

There was an awkward pause.

“Ah, my lady,” one of the older women, Dust thought she was a Lannister by her complexion, said. “This is Dorne. Not the North. We’re in Sunspear.”

“Oh. I thought it was a bit warm,” Iris said, brushing it aside. “Well, I guess if we’re in Dorne, I probably won’t have to make anyone kneel by force, though I had hoped that saving the city would have been enough to inspire loyalty.”

“Uh, I’m pretty sure my dad will just be grateful that you saved us,” Dust said with a shrug, not having noticed the geographic gaffe. Academics had never been his strong point anyway.

“Oh!” Lean hastily stood, brushing off her torn and stained dress, and bowed. “I am Lean Baratheon, your Grace. And this idiot is Dust Martell.”

“Hi!” Dust said, waving and smiling.

“I am Claire Grayjoy, and this is my wife, Rain Lannister,” the older woman with a sword and a funny suit said, bowing in return. Then she pursed her lips. “You are the daughter of Stannis the false king.”

“Uh, w-well, I uh, we need your help, Queen Iris,” Lean said, blushing and trying to hide her tail by reflex. “There were Red Priests, necromancers, and Death Knights in King’s Landing. We figured we needed all the Children of Destiny to fight them…I, ah…I didn’t tell my parents I was coming…”

“Stannis is kinda grumpy, but he’s not too bad. He let me fight the Mountain! We just killed him again before you got here,” Dust said, pointing. Then he looked up at the sky. “Are those your dragons? Can I ride one?! I’ve always wanted to ride a dragon!”

“You uncouth boy,” Claire rebuked, glaring at Dust. “How dare you speak to Her Grace in such a-”

“Peace, Claire,” Iris said, raising a hand. She smiled at Dust and Lean, sheathing her sword. “These two at least have fought beside me in battle and pledged their fealty, correct?”

Dust and Lean both hastily nodded their agreement, with Lean stepping close to Dust and holding his hand for comfort.

“Then they are my friends, not my enemies. Now, let us see to the city. Our work is far from done today.”

By sunset, the second of the Lords Paramount had bent the knee to Iris, though in Doran’s case it was a bit more metaphorical, Iris allowing him to simply kiss her hand. The undead had been dealt a serious blow, and it was hoped they would not be a threat to Dorne again for some time.

But up north, the icy winds of undeath continued to blow. And the Kinslayer began the next stage of his march south.

Cast of Characters:

Gregor Clegane as: 0-2

Sandor Clegane as: In an actually satisfying CleganeBowl for once. He even lived!

Dust Martell as: Missing Best Daughter.

Lean Baratheon as: The Little Princess Who Could.

Dorane Martell as: Still one of the only smart lords in the entire series.

Iris Targaryen as: Queen of the Asskickers.

And the Cast of a Song of Ice and Fire as somehow getting a better deal despite the Ice Zombie Apocalypse kicking off.

What if the Emperor Met a Bunch of Anime Goddesses, Chapter 25

Brought to you by my Patreons, who apparently like the good drugs.

Beta’d and edited by the Grand Cogitator

Within the Warp, there were many places one would not wish to visit. The endless deltas of blood and flesh where eternal war was waged. The palaces of mad debauchery where the screams of pain mingled with howls of pleasure. The mind-melting vistas of constantly shifting shapes and colors where the future became the past and the past became the present. On top of that list, however, were the Gardens of Nurgle.

Of all the festering swamps in reality, this was by far the most putrid and putrescent. The stench alone was enough to kill, let alone the myriad plagues and deadly creatures that roamed it. Life did exist here, from festering fungi to buzzing insects, though all were some variety of demonic. There was no beauty here. Save in one small corner.

Within the garden lay a great manse, one larger than even a planet, or some solar systems. Within that house was the Cauldron of Nurgal, where every disease and plague imaginable was brewed, a festering sea of death and disease. And to the side of that cauldron, trapped in a cage like a withered bird, was Isha.

For 10,000 years, Isha, Aeldari Goddess of Life and Healing, had been held captive by Nurgle and used as a test subject for all of his “gifts.” After all those millennia even a god’s will began to crack, and Isha had started to think that perhaps this wasn’t so bad, perhaps she chose to be locked in this cage and be force-fed nothing but poison day after day. It was the godly equivalent of Stockholm Syndrome, and Isha sat in her cage and smiled and drank her plagues and pretended that she actually was Nurgles waifu because the alternative was to claw her own eyes out and die of despair, which would leave her children alone in a dark galaxy save for a mad clown.

But one day, as Isha sat in her cage with her fake smile, something shifted. The air seemed a little less oppressive, and the plagues just a little less virulent. She wondered if she had actually gone mad and that things really weren’t so bad here for a brief moment, before dismissing it.

But it wasn’t Isha that had gone mad. It was the entire galaxy. Well, mad-er. And the madness had just arrived at her doorstep, in the form of the Axis Cult Special Action Brigade.

“Right, troops, listen up! We have an important infiltration mission here!” Eris said. She had, out of nowhere, dressed herself in combat fatigues and had on a 20th-century combat helmet painted green, and was carrying a baton in one hand. To the side, Aqua was dressed in Navy Dress Whites and was performing with a one-man polka band rig. She was playing “Hail to the Chief,” and frankly outdoing even more full orchestras.

The audience was composed of a very confused Gabriel Angelos and Farseer Macha, who respectively had a Space Corgi and Red Cat in their laps. The rest of the audience was filled out by the Legion of Drago, who was also dressed in camo more befitting a guardsman.

“We’re at the edge of the Gardens of Nurgle, in the middle of enemy territory!” Eris continued, as a giant Cadian Flag rippled in the breeze behind her. “Our mission is simple! We get in, we grab Isha, we steal as many valuables as we can, and then we get out before Nurgle even notices we’re here!”

“Victory or nachos!” one of the Dragos called.

Aqua paused in her one goddess band performance to say, “I like nachos! Can we have those even if we do win?”

“We can have whatever Isha wants, she’s had nothing but plagues for 10,000 years so that girl has earned a nice dinner!” Eris decreed. “Any questions?”

“Ah hae yin quaistion fur ye, ye dumb wee lassie. How come th' hell am ah aye a dug, 'n' how come is th' cyclops aye alive?” Russ barked.

“Because five minutes ago you tried to kill him, and the only reason you’re not trying to skill kill him is because Gabe is literally holding you back,” Eris said sweetly. “Any other questions? Yes,  you in the back.”

“I need to go to the bathroom!” a Drago declared.

“Good point. Everyone make sure to go before we set off. There are no restrooms in the Gardens of Nurgle,” Eris said seriously.

“But, goddesses don’t have to go to the bathroom,” Aqua pointed out.

“Eh, it can be entertaining, you’re missing out on a lot of potty jokes otherwise,” Eris said with a shrug. “Right, let’s do this!”

With a loud cry of “HUP HUP HUP HUP HUP!” a thousand Dragos stormed into the Gardens of Nurgle, where there were soon screams of pain and panic from the gardens as the greatest warrior of humanity (at least according to his fanboys) did battle with the vilest demons of chaos.

“That’s your idea of stealth?” Macha asked incredulously, looking at Eris and Aqua, who were watching through binoculars with some interest.

“Huh? No, that’s my idea of a distraction,” Eris said, lowering the binoculars and nodding to herself. “Though I think it’s missing something.”

“Giant robots?” Aqua suggested. “Chicks dig giant robots.”

“Perfect!” Eris opened a portal and stuck her head through. “Oh, boys! I found your Grand Master! And a whole bunch of demons that need slaying!”

“WHAT?! THEY HAVE FOUND THE GRAND MASTER!? TO ARMS, BROTHERS!”

Eris stepped out of the way as an entire company of Grey Knights (complete with Dreadknights) stormed out of the portal and after the Legion of Drago, where they began merrily doing battle the demons.

“I dunno. They don’t really look like a mecha. They’re kinda lame,” Aqua said, making a face.

“Well, I’m not summoning a titan. That would take some sort of tactical genius,” Eris pointed out. “But anyway, that’s a pretty good distraction! On with the show!”

They stepped through another portal to a faraway section of the guards, which had gone quiet now that most of the deadlier demons and beasts had rushed off to fight the Grey Knights.

As they crept into the bog, Russ growled, “This is th' cowardly wey! Ye left they brave men tae die sae ye kin sneak in th' back door!”

“Will you be quiet?” Magnus hissed, glaring at his brother. “We’re sneaking under the nose of the plague author! Do you WANT to die of a thousand plagues?”

“Pff ah used tae sneak in 'ere wi' Drago tae git ingredients fur mah grog. Ye'r juist a bunch o' sissies,” Magnus declared.

“Ssssh! Be quiet! We’re sneaking!” Aqua ordered as they tiptoed their way past pools of rot and filth, and plants that smelled of far worse than rotten meat.

The lead spot was taken by Aqua of all people. Not because she was the stealthiest, even Angelos in his armor somehow was sneakier than Aqua, but because her every footstep purified the ground she tread upon. In fact, it was so noticeable that Macha took one look at where they had been and winced. “Ah, Lady Aqua, I don’t mean to be rude, but…we do seem to be leaving quite the noticeable trail…”

“Can’t be helped,” Eris said with a shrug. “If she doesn’t go first, even I would have a hard time surviving here.”

“Well, we’ll be out here for days,” Magnus grumbled. “If not weeks. The Gardens of Nurgle is an entire realm, and this is slow going. You should change me back, I could help keep the pestilence away.”

“Would you try to kill your brother, father?” Gabriel asked, sounding very tired.

“No,” Magnus lied, and everyone knew it.

“You know, I have just the thing for you two,” Eris said brightly. “I make Subaru and Kazuma wear it whenever they start fighting.” She pulled out a large white T-shirt, which she forced around the necks of both Magnus and Russ. When they looked down, they were horrified to see in large black letters “THE GET ALONG SHIRT.”

“You can’t make us wear this! It’s demeaning!” Magnus yowled, hissing and trying to wiggle out of the shirt.

“Ah hate tae gree wi' th' rid bas bit ye git this thing aff me richt noo or ah will bite yer bahookie! a'm a primarch, nae a bloody toddler!”

“Well, just turning you into a puppy clearly wasn’t working, so we’re trying something else,” Eris told him sweetly.

Just then, there was an unholy scream behind them. “MY DEATH LOTUSES! MY BEAUTIFUL DEATH LOTUSES!”

“It seems we have been spotted,” Gabriel said, raising his massive hammer and looking behind them.

“Ah yes. Well, Aqua, it’s time for Plan B,” Eris said nodding sagely.

“What’s plan B?” Magnus asked, still hissing at Russ.

“CHEESE IT!” Eris declared, picking up the two pint-sized primarchs as she and Aqua ran as fast as they could deeper into the Gardens.

Deciding that it would be best not to be separated, Gabriel scooped up Macha, who let out a delighted gasp, then pounded along further in, grabbing the two goddesses and primarchs and setting them up on his shoulders. “HOLD ON!”

“Get back here! Intruders! You’ve ruined my precious Death Lotuses!” a nasally voice cried behind them, and there was the sound of a thousand legs racing after them. Macha looked back and let out a horrified groan.

“It’s Horticulous Slimux! The Chief Gardener himself!”

Indeed, from behind came a great demon of Nurgle, riding atop what appeared to be a many-legged slug of some sort, his tongue lolling out of his cracked lips, his one eye wide with fury, rusting garden shears held aloft. “Mortal fools! You DARE trespass in the Greatfather’s domain!?”

“Hey! I’m not mortal, I’m a-” Aqua began as she popped up over Gabriel’s left shoulder, but Eris clapped a hand over her mouth.

Russ, however, popped up on Angelos’ right pauldron and began to bark at Slimux. “Pick a windae, yer leavin' ye yin clocked bas! If ah wasn't stuck as this wee menance a'd tak' ye in CQC 'n' shaw ye howfur tae mak' flowers oot o` yer guts!”

“They were always hideous! I’ve always wanted to tell you that! My garden back home was much nicer, and then you RUINED it with that stupid blight! Do you have any idea how long it took me to grow proper tomatoes in the warp?!” Magnus yowled.

Russ turned to him. “Ye grew tomatoes in a back green? Aye ma auntie! Ah knew ye wur a sissy bit this is awfy much.”

“Just because you eat nothing but meat and potatoes doesn’t mean some of us don’t have a more refined palate. Besides, you need the freshest ingredients for a proper fra diavolo sauce.”

“LOOK OUT!” Macha wailed, and Angelos barely managed to dodge aside as they happened upon an entire grove of Feculent Gnarlmaws, the demonic trees lashing at them with tentacle-like branches, and maws of endless teeth gnashing at them.

“DIE YOU STUPID TREEEEEEEeeeeeeeEEEEEeeees!” Aqua screamed, as she was picked up by one tree’s tentacles and then crammed into it’s gullet, where the teeth gnashed at her. She screamed and flailed, and even Russ looked slightly horrified at the site.

“Goddess, fear not, we will come for you!” Angelos vowed, but then Slimux was upon them, and both Macha and Gabriel had to battle the demonic gardener for all they were worth. Despite his ridiculous appearance, Slimux was a Greater Demon of Nurgle, and had all the power they possessed, along with a fine appreciation for topiary and horticulture.

Eris was left holding the two petmarchs, who had stopped growing at one another and were watching the battle with mixed horror and irritation.

“Change me back! Let me save my son, or at least the goddess!” Magnus begged.

“If ye dinnae waant us tae a' die 'ere, ye fix me richt noo!” Russ barked.

Magnus smirked at him. “I’ve always said you needed to be snipped, you randy bastard.”

“Och fuck off, this is worse timing than whin ye interrupted daddy in th' webway 'n' nearly destroyed Terra!”

“Fine. I promise not to try to kill you until we’re out of this infernal garden, you stupid little furfag.”

“'n' ah promise nae tae murdurr ye 'til efter we've saved thae daursayd goddesses fae thair ain idiocy. Noo chaynge me back, or ah will bite yer shank!”

Eris beamed at them both. “Aww, it looks like the shirt worked. Alright boys, sic ‘em!” She tossed both animals up in the air, and when they came down, they were once more colossal titans of battle.

“HOLD ON, MY SON! I’M NOT LOSING ANOTHER OF YOU!” Magnus bellowed, and charged forward, his fists blazing with sorcerous power.

Russ, for his part, looked around in irritation. “Whaur ur mah weapons? ah didnae drap thaim, where'd thay gang?”

Eris innocently held up Mjalnar and Helwinter. “I was just holding on to them. For safekeeping.”

“Bloody thieves,” Russ snarled, then charged the trees, his axe swinging furiously. After a few moments, he managed to dig Aqua out. To his shock, despite having been in the tree’s gullet for nearly a minute, she appeared totally unharmed, save for the fact that she was covered head to toe in slime, and was crying.

“T-those meanies! They’re just like…just like the frogs!”

“Ah dinnae ken howfur a tree 'n' a frog ur th' identical, bit bade oot o' mah wey sae ah kin wirk o' some o' mah tension.”

“I HATE FROGS!” Aqua roared, and her fists suddenly glowed with power. “GOD BLOW!”

To Russ’s shock, Aqua charged over and slammed a fist into a gnarlmaw, which immediately exploded into a shower of sawdust and puss.

“Fur a bawherr lassie, she hits bonny guid,” Russ mused, then charged back into the fight before too many opponents were destroyed.

For Magnus’ part, he was exchanging blows with Slimux, as well as gardening tips.

“No, no, no! You don’t want LOAMY soil for lotuses, they need a less organic mix, with more clay!” Magnus said as he fired off a bolt of arcane energy at Slimux

“FOOL! These are Death Lotuses! Not your regular mortal lotuses! Without enough decaying matter for them to feed on, they wither and die,” Slimux snarled, tossing a vile of herbicide that could devastate an entire planet’s biosphere at Magnus.

“What about a Black Lotus?” Eris asked, appearing behind Slimux. She aimed a dagger at his back, but he snarled and twisted, bringing around his garden shears at her.

Which was when Gabriel’s hammer clocked him in the back of the head and sent the demon flying off his mount to land with a splash in a pond of pure water that Aqua had accidentally created in their flight through the gardens.

“AAAAAAA! Look what you've done!! I'm melting, melting. Ohhhhh, what a world, what a world. Who would have thought that some little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness!” Slimux wailed as he dissolved into the holy water.

“Wow, I know we make a lot of references, but I wasn’t expecting that one,” Chris mused as the demon faded away in a puff of warp essence

“What, were you expecting a pack of flying monkeys?” Magnus asked.

“See, that one I would have seen coming,” Eris said with a shrug. “Oh well, let’s see how Aqua and your brother are doing.”

They returned to the grove to find that it had been utterly demolished. The demon trees had been reduced to splinters, and there was now a pure spring with a few koi swimming in the pond where a petulant pool had once stood. Aqua and Russ were sitting on a pair of tree stumps, with Aqua now dressed up like a lumberjack. The goddess had a massive jug of moonshine, which she was guzzling from, though where that had come from was anyone’s guess.

Wiping her lips and letting out a satisfied sigh, Aqua passed the white lightning to Russ, who drained the rest of the jug and let out a satisfied burp. “Ye ken, fur a blue haired bimbo ye'r nae hauf ill wi' yer fists. 'N' this swally is actually halfway gid. Pat some locks oan yer chest it wull.”

“Is it just me, or is his accent getting worse?” Magnus said in a stage whisper to Angelos.

“To be perfectly honest, my Primarch, I think he’s doing it just to annoy you,” Gabriel responded.

“Awright! urr ye slagging howfur ah blether? This is howfur ony proper son o' Fenris speaks!” Russ said, throwing the jug on the ground and shattering it as he stood up.

“Aren’t you supposed to be from Space Scandinavia?” Eris asked. “Why do you sound Scottish?”

Magnus and Russ looked at one another in surprise, then looked at Eris in apparent confusion. “What’s Scandinavia?” Magnus asked.

“Whit's a Scotland, 'n' kin ah rammy it?”

Eris sighed. “Knowing the Scotts, probably yes. Come on, we’ve lost the element of surprise, but the enemy should still be mostly distracted by Legio Drago.”

“What about his arms?” Aqua asked as they headed further into the gardens. Everyone looked at her in bafflement, except for Eris, who sighed heavily.

“I’m sure Drago is using his arms and legs to fight Chaos, Aqua.”

Ahead of them, the swampy garden creaked and rustled, and vile demons leered from the forest.

“You know,” Magnus said, striding forward and cracking his knuckles. “I still hate you.”

Russ fell into step beside Magnus, resting his axe on his shoulder as he swung his sword through some of the rotting flowers. “Th' feeling is between ye, ye yin clocked wanker.”

“I have both my eyes now, thank you very much, you ignorant swine.”

“Och ah ken, bit ah fin' that insult tae amusing tae let gang that easily.”

“Uncultured barbarian.”

“Heich falutin feartie-cat.”

Then both Primarchs let out a warcry and sprang forward together, Magnus tossing bolts of warp fire, Russ gleefully swinging both axes as they mulched through the Plague Father’s finest horrors.

“Isn’t family bonding nice?” Aqua said, smiling at the display, a bit of rotting intestine flying past her face, and she punched a monstrous insect of some sort over the horizon.

“It’s just like when you and I used to fight demon hordes, isn’t it, Senpai?” Eris said, smiling as her gaze looked off into the distance nostalgically, her daggers cleaving a tentacle-waving mushroom in half.

If you thought that the Space Marine Chapter Master and Eldar Farseer were going to provide a nice contrast in sanity to the murder-happy maniacs, you will be sorely disappointed. They were instead having some quality couples time slaying a squad of plague marines that tried to ambush them. Oh well. At least they had some shared hobbies.

Meanwhile, the Legion of Drago (and attached Dreadknights) was waging a bloody campaign through the Gardens. However, instead of what you probably thought they were doing, they had instead erected a stadium and were playing a game of Bloodbowl against the Nurglings and Plague Marines. This was almost as bloody as an actual battle but with a lot more beer and jeering from the audience. So far, Drago was up, 7-3, but Nurgle himself had arrived in a custom sports jersey and ball cap and was giving his team a rousing speech.

“Listen, this is our home turf! Your friends are out there, our families! You’ve been training all season, out there in the projects, while these chrome-plated rich boys were living it up in their secret base! You want this, you NEED this, you’re hungry for this! Now go out there and infect them, and take home the cup for Gipper!” Nurgle cried, his abscess-ridden gut giggling as he walked back and forth in the locker room, puddles of bile and pestilence left in a trail behind him, sprouting little nurglings that had little pennants with the team’s logo on them.

“FOR THE GIPPER!” the plague team cried, and rushed out as the band squelched and the cheerleaders waved pom-poms that sent clouds of infectious spores towards the other team.

Drago stood with his squad, then turned to face them. “Friends, Dragos, countrymen, lend me your ears!”

Several ears were tossed at Drago’s feet, each of them torn off a plague marine.

“Thanks, I needed a snack,” Drago said, scooping the rotting ears into a bowl and squirting some popcorn oil on them. He took a bit, then spat it out. “This isn’t a salad! Quickly, we must win, or there will be no pizza party! UNLEASH THE HAMS!”

Several greased pigs were let loose in the Nurgle ranks, causing mass chaos as the game descended into a brawl. Which basically means they started playing for serious in Blood Bowl.

Back at the plot, the infiltration team had made their way all the way to the Blighted Mansion of Misery and Mirth and had paused to put on the traditional disguise.

“So, how is wearing a handkerchief under our noses supposed to help?” Angelos asked, frowning at the lacey hankie Eris had passed him. The two goddesses already had handkerchiefs tied under their own noses and over the back of their heads, making a sort of skull cap.

“It’s traditional,” Aqua informed him. “We’re rescuing a fair maiden after all.”

“She's a pointy earred boot 'n' nae a lassie. Forby, ah dinnae dae stealth,” Russ growled, stomping into the mansion’s grounds.

“I am in agreement with the mutt, unfortunately. Those hankies will do nothing, and the time for stealth has passed,” Magnus said, gesturing to the 30-meter-wide swath of destruction they had carved out of the Garden. The place actually looked much healthier for it, with healthy foliage blooming where Aqua had walked and the dead demons dissolving into the warp.

Before long, more demons came at them, disgusting Great Unclean ones dressed in stained maid uniforms, and plague marines with little bowties painted on their armor as the houses serving staff. The mansion was as rotting and decayed as you would expect the home of Nurgle to be, though the rows of paintings with Nurgle dressed in various formal wear suits with little plague demons perched on his lap.

In several paintings, Isha stood next to the Chaos God, or sat with Nurgle, bouquets of rotting flowers in her hand, or festering demons head at her breast. In the oldest paintings, Isha looked horrified, and Nurgle had to physically restrain her even as she attempted to pull away. Slowly though, the looks of horror were replaced with rictus grins and sunken eyes, and then smiles that looked like they’d been painted on, a mad faraway look in Isha’s eyes.

“Oof, looks like a bad case of Stockholm Syndrom, we have got to get this sister out of here,” Eris said, frowning as the walked past the portraits.

“Ugh, who could like Nurgle? He’s smelly and gross,” Aqua said, making a disgusted face and pinching her nose.

Before long, they came to stairs that descended down into the basement, where the massive cauldron that housed all the plagues ever created was. Aqua took one look at it and paled slightly. “I don’t think even I could purify all that…”

“Even ah wouldn't huv a go 'n' brew whiskey oot o' that,” Russ agreed. Then he brightened as several demons in ripped janitor uniforms oozed and waddled towards them. “Though a'm mair than happy tae teach thae wee jimmies howfur tae properly wash up this steid.”

They had to fight their way along the sea of plagues, until they came to an iron cage that hung out over the churning mess. Within it sat an eldar woman in a torn and stained dress, her skin sallow and with pock marks and welts on it, her hair lank and greasy. She was knitting away at a picture of a rotten flower bead on a throw pillow, several nurglings playing at her feet.

“Isha! My lady! What has become of you!?” Macha cried, and raced forward to the foot of the cage, even as the two Primarchs and Angelos battled an entire legion of plague marines and demons.

“Oh, hello dearie, I’m just knitting something for my husband when he comes back,” Isha said, smiling and showing cracked and yellowed teeth as the nurglings hissed down at Macha. “How do you like my grandchildren?”

Macha shuddered and desperately looked for a way to get Isha down safely, but the way out seemed to be to lower her into the cauldron. “Please, goddess, help us, how can we get you out?”

“Get me out? Is it time for another plague sample?” Isha shuddered slightly, but licked her lips, her crazed eyes losing focus. “I…I do like my plagues…I do…I tell all my children the recipe, so that…so that…oh…I forget…”

“I’ll have you down in a jiffy,” Eris promised, and shimmied up the rusty iron pole the cage was hung from, then climbed hand over hand to the lock, hanging down from her feet with a lockpick.

Aqua peered nervously at the brew, wiping her hands on her dress and shaking her head. “We’d better hurry, I think I can sense Nurgle coming…”

After a bit of fiddling, Eris had the lock off, swinging the door open. She held her hands out to Isha, but the goddess cringed back at the cage and the nurgling snarled.

“No, don’t, you’re scaring the children!” Isha wailed, trying to hide behind her knitting.

“Come on, we’ll get you out of here,” Macha urged. “Please, goddess!”

“No, no, he’ll be angry if I leave, I…I don’t want to make my hubby angry,” Isha said, still cringing back.

“Oh hell. Aqua, jump up here,” Eris said, extending her arms down. “Macha, give her a boost.”

With a bit of struggling, they managed to get Aqua into the cage, and she leaned down, pulling Macha up. The Nurglings snarled and snapped at Aqua, but whimpered and shied away at her glance.

“Isha?” Aqua said gently, reaching out a hand. “We haven’t met before, but I’m Aqua. I’m the human goddess of Water and Purification. I want to be friends. Do you know Macha? She’s one of your followers.”

Macha took off her helmet, giving Isha a pained smile through tears. “Goddess, the aeldari are grateful to you for your long years of sacrifice, giving us cures to these plagues, but…we need you back. Please, come with us.”

“But he’ll be angry if I leave,” Isha whispered as the plague demons snapped and snarled at her feet. “When he’s angry…he…he hurts me…”

“He won’t ever hurt you again,” Eris promised, dropping into the cage herself. “We’ll make sure of that.”

Isha trembled, and looked down at the baying demons at her feet. “But…but my children…”

“Macha, take her hand,” Aqua said firmly. The farseer grabbed Isha’s left hand, while Aqua took her right. The aeldari goddess looked up at them with haunted and confused eyes, and Aqua said a single word: “Heal.”

A shudder ran through Isha, and her entire body changed. The madness left her eyes, while her hair took on the natural luster of her people. The boils and welts on her skin were healed and cleansed, and she sat up straighter, no longer slouching. She looked down at the demons at her feet and gasped in horror, stomping on them until they were nothing but puddles of rot. Trembling, Isha put a hand to her head. “I…what have I done? What have I become?”

“It’s OK, we’ll get you out of here, you’re safe now,” Eris assured her.

Isha stood up, her expression wild. “No, you don’t understand! You have to flee, you have to get out before-”

“Oh hooooonnnnneeeeeeyyyyy,” a deep, wheezing voice called. “I’m hooooooommmmmeeeee!”

“...I called him,” Isha whispered, her eyes wide with terror as Grandfather Nurgle himself stomped forward towards them. “...forgive me. I knew not what I did.”

The cage door swung shut, and all three goddesses screamed as the lock snapped back into place.

“Well, well, well,” Nurgle laughed, grinning and showing a maw of rotting teeth and writhing maggots. “What have we here? Isha, sweetie, what have I told you about talking to strangers? You know better than that. It’s almost like you want to hurt me.”

“No,” Macha whispered, grabbing onto Isha. “No, we were so close!”

“Slay the other three,” Nurgle ordered his minions, who moved off in a wave towards where Russ, Magnus, and Angelos still fought. He reached out, caressing the cage with one massive rotting hand. “It seems I’ve a harem now. Fancy that.”

Aqua and Eris held on to one another and cried tears of horror, while Isha and Macha moaned. But their fear was drowned out by the gurgling laughter of the Father of Rot.

Author’s Note:

Some of you may wonder, ‘how did this story come back to life?’ In the immortal words of Lawrence Oliver,

You can vote for this and other madness to receive updates on my patreon, where people can and do bribe me to put madness to paper. As they did for my August Bonus Chapter poll.

The Second Archon War, Carmen Dei 5

Beta’d and Edited by Yae Miko, the Grand Cogitator, and Philosophysics

Forty-four black clad shapes knelt on the ground, swords before them, heads bowed. At their head stood the Evening Star, her purple waistband fluttering in the wind. She stood before her Shuumatsuban, looking out over her disciples. At last, when the moon was hidden behind a cloud, she spoke.

“The Goddess has decreed that a life must be claimed. As her fist of shadow, we shall find this Archon of Wind, and strike him down!”

Kokusho held up a Vision, this one a perverse green instead of the regal purple of the True Goddess. “They shall bear an icon such as this, and be found in a windy land of freedom! I shall lead the strike team to America, where we shall scour its prairies for the Anemo Archon! Another strike team shall be dispatched to the Steppes of Mongolia, another to the Savannahs of Africa, and a fourth to the Pampas of Argentina. There will also be agents dispatched to other locals we suspect may harbor this False Archon. Go now, and receive your assignments.”

Sara Tengan stood, picking up her bow and caressing it gently as she went to one of the senior ninja. Her weapon was a gift forged and given from Her Excellency herself, the Narukami Oshogo, the Raiden Shogun, God of Thunder, and thus by far Sara’s greatest and most treasured possession. Some would have called the weapon tinkertech. Sara knew better. It glowed with an inner power, and when she channeled her electro through it her powers were greatly enhanced. It allowed her to fire off bolts of pure electro energy, stunning or slaying the foes of Eternity with a single arrow.

Thusly, she had named it Yumi-chan.

When she reached the Evening Star herself, Sara bowed deeply. “This blade is ready, master.”

“Tengu. You are dispatched to central Europe. The Netherlands is famous for its windmills. Begin your search there. You shall operate alone, but if you require aid, contact our embassy and the local Shuumatsuban agent shall help.”

Accepting the scroll, Sara bowed once more, then went over to a corner, unrolling it. Unfortunately, while it had the stamp of Lord Kenichi, it did not have Raiden’s own signature on it. Sara sighed and tucked it away, though she did take the plane tickets. She was going in disguise of course; the Shuumatsuban were a clandestine Ninja Clan, not an actual diplomatic organ. Though Sara supposed that assassination was a form of diplomacy. Just a very direct one.

She spent the next few hours perfecting her role as a tourist visiting Europe, selecting a few travel brochures and some articles of disguise. Glasses she didn’t need, a few loud articles of clothing that wouldn’t make her stand out too much but would clearly indicate she wasn’t a threat. Getting her bow through customs was easy, though smuggling her Vision was a little harder. The bow she simply tucked into the vision, elemental weapons could do that easily enough, and the Vision she hid in a camera case provided by the Shuumatsuban. Electro energy was close enough to electricity that hiding it where the battery pack went shouldn’t trip any alarms.

Then she got out her phone and perfected her cover story.

Hey Oni, coming to europe for a trip. Can we meet at Manga Expo in Berlin?

This was purely just a cover story, obviously. She had no reason other than her professional cover to want to go to the largest manga and anime convention in Europe, even if they were going to be flying in the voice actress who played Raiden in Inazuma Hime Ami, Tenkū no Kiseki Musume no Fushigina Bōken. Or as the uncultured called it, Lightning Princess Ami.

Sara wondered if she could put buying another Raiden body pillow under travel expenses. Probably not.

Her phone buzzed after a few minutes.

Yoooooo! Bro so cool u comin! I got somethin’ cookin’ but I can 4sure meet u at MEX! U won’t believe wat’s ben happing!

There was a picture attached of her friend posing at a bar in front of a band that was playing in his Vash the Stampede cosplay. He’d even done the spiky hair and had the custom AGL Arms .45 Long Colt he’d made with Sara’s guidance. As Raiden herself had published a favorable review of Trigun some months ago, Sara had every copy and had watched every episode religiously.

Nice, I’ll bring my Meryle Strife cosplay, we can go together!

An excellent cover, and clearly showed Sara’s wisdom and foresight in meticulously designing and crafting her own cosplay in the hopes that she could go to a con that Raiden would attend as the judge of the cosplay event and get a personal audience with her idol. Goddess. The point was, she would get an audience with Raiden.

This ignored the fact that Raiden had never actually judged a cosplay event, but Sara often did not let reality get in the way of her own personal fantasies. Since Raiden had gifted her with a Vision as a reward for Sara’s work at becoming a professional cosplayer despite her parent's continued disapproval, this had clearly been the right thing to do.

When she’d started cosplaying as Raiden with a Vision to allow her to attempt to reenact some of Raiden’s more impressive feats, she’d been visited by some real ninja’s in the night. At first, she’d thought she’d made a mistake and Raiden had been judging her for foolishly attempting to impersonate the most wonderful Narukami Oshogo. Instead, they’d offered her a job, one Sara had been delighted to accept.

In her travel preparations Sara even went the extra mile and contacted MEX, despite the event being less than two weeks away. She got a response almost immediately: MEX would be delighted to have a professional Raiden Cosplayer, especially the famous Sara Tengan. They even sent her another plane ticket.

Truly, her genius knew no bounds. Raiden would be proud of Sara! She would find this Anemo Archon, and then Raiden would personally invite Sara to the Imperial Palace. They’d have a private dinner and drinks, and Sara would drink a little too much sake, and so would Raiden. Then they’d draw close, their lips touching as-

Sara tried to force the impure thoughts from her head. It was blasphemy! Just like the pile of doujins she kept in the locked cabinet beneath her shrine to Raiden, several of which she had personally commissioned. Also, Sara was straight! Yes, she liked men. Also Raiden. She wanted Raiden’s babies.

No, no, focus on the mission. Which was to impress Raiden. Sara boarded her plane with a happy heart and very few thoughts of killing the Anemo Archon in her head. But she would do anything for Raiden.

Anything.

Despite being the aftermath of a battle, the Feisty Ferret was in surprisingly good condition. The door was propped up against the wall and would take some repairs, but no one had seemed to care too much. Leon had even told Itul that drinks were on the house for the rest of the night after he’d attempted to valiantly defend the bar. He’d not done more than frighten off a few thugs, since once Stuka had picked herself up, she’d slunk off into the shadows. She’d been the only cape with the nazis, and had probably thought she was enough. Which made something occur to her.

“Hey, Gunter, how did you beat Stuka? Doesn’t she absorb kinetic energy or something?” she asked.

Gunter looked up from where he was sweeping up and frowned. “I don’t know. I just punched her, and she flew off.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter, you were wonderful,” Leon said, standing on tiptoes to kiss Gunter on his hairy cheek, which made the big man blush slightly. “You made that nazi bitch go flying, and that’s what counts.”

The Feisty Ferret was mostly empty now, and it was closer to dawn than not. There had been quit the party after Stuka and her gang had tucked their tails and ran, but people had to work in the morning, and the bar normally closed at midnight during the week. The Tone Deaf Bards had stuck around to help clean, and the only patron still there was Itul, who was passed out and snoring in a booth. At some point, he’d put on makeup rather expertly, though his blush was now smudged and his lipstick was smeared. He’d said something about “cosplay” and babbled on to a very enthusiastic crowd of fans, though Itul had seemed slightly confused about the whole thing.

“Hmm, if I understand correctly, kinetic energy is the natural energy of motion, right?” Venti asked, looking up from his drink. Which one he was on Capri didn’t know, and she also sort of wondered how the hell they were going to pay the tab Venti had run up.

“Yes. Bullets, fists, even a gentle push. It is all kinetic energy,” Gunter agreed.

“Ah, well, that explains it! You hit her with Anemo Energy. That’s different,” Venti laughed, and polished off his beer.

Gunter and Leon gave Venti pained looks, obviously assuming he was drunk. Well, actually, Capri figured that Venti WAS drunk, but he might be right about Anemo being a separate sort of energy from kinetic. Not that Capri had a degree in cape physics or whatever, and from what she’d heard capes made physicists cry themselves to sleep at night anyway.

While she was mulling that over, there was a knock at the door. “Meisters. Is this where the trigger happened?”

The man who entered the bar was dressed in an odd costume that was patterned after a circus clown, complete with a plastic flower and squeeze bulb pinned on his chest, as well as a bright red nose and face paint. Capri recognized him as Lache Darüber, a cape that could induce laughter, to the point that they could become nearly helpless with fits of giggles. He had a reputation as one of the better capes in Munich who would help anyone in need, but his powers were somewhat limited and he couldn’t always incapacitate enemy capes fast enough.

“It is,” Gunter said, turning to him. He held up his Vision, which glowed green in the soft light. “I triggered last night, when Stuka and her thugs attacked us.”

“Damn girl. Wish I could get her to lighten up,” Lache said, sighing and shaking his head. He pursed his lips, looking around. “Say, I’ve been here a time or two, haven’t I? You’re Gunter Mueller, right? Shit, was anyone hurt?”

“Only the bastards that tried to attack us. I gave Stuka a good hit, and a few of her punks needed a lesson as well. None of our customers were,” Gunter said with a shrug.

Lache looked relieved, sighing heavily and sitting down. “I”m glad you could handle it. I was tied up most of the night fighting Rost and Ruine. They hit up a bank, and the report said there were no casualties here.”

“Scum,” Gunter said, and went behind the bar, pouring Lache a beer. The cape looked at him gratefully and drained it.

“Well, I think you know why I’m here, then. You’ll be getting more visits, but we need the help. Too many capes controlled by the Gesellschaft, too many villains out for their own profit. It’s a mess, and there’s only two of us from the Meisters in all of Bavaria now that Hartkopf is dead.”

“I’ve heard of this Gesellschaft, is Stuka one of theirs?” Venti asked curiously, sliding over on the bar.

Lache glanced at him, then did a double take when he spotted Venti’s Vision. “Two of you? What are those things, are they like the electric ones?”

“Anemo visions,” Venti said, holding his up. “Surely you’ve seen them in all colors! Green, blue, red, and gold?”

“No, just the purple ones, and now these,” Lache said, looking interested, but not worried. “The purple ones are damn useful. My partner, Zündkerze has one.”

“Oh? She’s a bit of an eccentric, maybe a loner?” Venti asked.

“Not a loner, but she’s certainly eccentric. Used to stand outside of government buildings and protest about some fool thing or the other all day. Now she keeps talking my ear off about how we have to save the Bavarian Pine Vole or some such. Tied herself to trees too, I think. But she’s got a good heart. You looking to join the Meisters too?”

Venti put on an innocent face. “Little old me? Oh no, I’m not a big strong man like Gunter here. I’m just a traveling bard.”

“Not so sure I want to join the Meisters,” Gunter said, looking at the Vision in his hands. “My home is here, with Leon.”

“Are you certain? We could use another cape like you. Either of you, really. There aren’t enough people willing to stand up to the Gesellschaft, even among the Meisters,” Lache said, his tone pained.

“The Meisters serve the government. The government is owned by the Gesellschaft. I worked for a corrupt regime once. I will not do so again,” Gunter growled, clenching his fist around his vision so hard that Capri could see knots of muscle stand out in his arm.

“Here, here,” Capri said, raising her glass, which at this point had water because she wasn’t an alcoholic and someone had to drive the van. “Fuck the Government.”

Lache looked pained. “But this is our country. We have to stay strong, to take it back, to make it a place of laughter again. Isn’t that worth fighting for?”

“You’re a good man, Lache, and a good hero,” Leon said quietly, taking off his glasses to polish them with a cloth he took from his pocket. He squinted and put them back on, then smiled. “You’ve been an absolute doll. Never once made fun of us. Come to help us more than once when villains saw us as an easy target. Refused to let Stuka join your team when she showed her true colors. But this is our bar. Gunter and I built this place when the AIDS epidemic was raging. We kept it going when Cologne was destroyed and the economy was in shambles.”

Leon warmed to his theme, but Venti suddenly sat up, his eyes bright. He took out an odd-looking instrument and began to play on his harp. For some reason, the tune he played made Capri think of Japan, and she began to absently tap out a beat.

Leon was warming to his team, and his eyes seemed to glow as he continued. “I thought about leaving. God knows I did. It’s safe in America, in Japan, anywhere where these fucking Nazi’s aren’t trying to destroy us for who we are. But I made up my mind last night. I’ll be damned if these bastards drive me from my home! I’ll stay here beside Gunter from now until Eternity, even if those bastards come back with every cape in the Gesellschaft!”

There was an audible crack of thunder along with a purple flash, and everyone flinched, save Venti. The bard simply continued to play, a smile on his lips.

“Oh sweet Barbra Streisand,” Leon gasped, staring open-mouthed at the purple Vision that lay on the counter in front of him. He looked around, utterly disbelieving. “Is that…is that MINE?”

“I think it is,” Gunter said, then grabbed Leon and pulled him into a kiss.

Naomi cheered and started clapping, and Capri couldn’t keep a smile off her face either.

Lache looked away politely until the two men separated, but Venti smiled and watched the whole display. Itul kept right on snoring. After a few minutes, Gunter and Leon stood together, their arms around one another’s shoulders.

“We’re not joining the Meisters,” Gunter said firmly.

“But if you ever need help fighting those bastards, you call us,” Leon added.

Lache considered that, then shrugged and barked out a laugh. “Well, it’s not what I came for, but I’ll take it! Thank you, gentlemen, and good luck. My report will look favorably upon you both.” Then he bowed and left.

For a clown, Capri had to admit he was a pretty stand up guy.

“Well, I think our work here is done,” Venti said, standing. He smiled at Gunter and Leon. “I’m afraid we won’t be staying to play for the next two nights. I think the seeds of freedom are well and truly planted here, and it’s time for the wind to carry us along our journey.”

“What!? But everyone loved you! You have to come back!” Leon protested, looking flabbergasted.

“Oh, we will. I like it here! But, our journey calls us ever onward.” Venti turned to go, then hesitated. He turned back, rubbing his chin. “You know, instead of joining the Meisters, you could join my team.”

“Your cape team?” Gunter frowned at Naomi and Capri. “Something you girls aren’t telling us?”

“Hey, don’t look at me, I just play guitar,” Capri said with a shrug, and Naomi smiled and shook her head.

“You’re a part of a cape team?” Leon asked Venti.

Venti sat back down, and took out his harp, strummin a tune. “Well, more of an honorary member, really. Let me tell you a tale of a group of heroes: a band of men and women from a far away land, who cast off the shackles of slavery, and built a City of Wind and Freedom. The Knights of Favonius”

Despite the late hour, or early, depending on your perspective, Venti held them all in thrall as he wove his story of the Knights of Favonius, the defenders of Mondstadt. Even Itol woke up and listened as Venti played and sang or spoke. The sun was up by the time he finished, and there were tears in everyone’s eyes.

“-and so, the Traveler and the Knights did not slay the dragon, but saved him. Dvalin was once again one of the Guardians of the Four Winds, and freedom blew again on the winds of Mondstadt. They say that Barbatos smiled that day, and upon his people. But, well, I’m just a humble bard. What do mere mortals know of the minds of gods?”

“That was a wonderful story,” Leon said, his voice raspy. He had to dab at his eyes with a handkerchief. “It was almost like…it was real…like I could see Lumine, Vanessa, and even Dvalin the Dragon.”

“I like these knights,” Gunter said, nodding, though his eyes were wet with tears as well. “It is a good name for a good folk. Leon and I will join.”

“All you must do is to swear to uphold the ideals of Favonius: to guard freedom, to protect the weak, and to always let the Wind Lead,” Venti said, smiling gently.

Gunter nodded. “So we swear.”

“I’ll guard freedom, protect the weak, and follow the wind,” Leon agreed.

“Excellent! Well then, we must be away. Come, my merry companions! Our trusty steed awaits!”

“Yo, wait, what about me?” Itul demanded, pointing to himself. “I can join! I’m a tough guy! I totally love freedom and stuff.”

“Hmm. I don’t know,” Venti looked at Itul, concerned. “There’s something about your Vision. It’s like…your mortal ambition, it’s been corrupted.”

“Huh? What are you talking about!? Nothing and no one corrupts me! I’ll fight for this city, and anyone that tries to bully people! That’s why they call me Itul ‘Nazi Puncher’ Armburst!” he bragged, pointing to his chest and puffing it out.

“Hmm, maybe I can…” Venti reached out, touching Itul’s forehead.

“What? Oh, are we gonna kiss? Cause, uh, I’ve totally kissed girls before, but uh, I gotta pop like, a mint or something first, so…”

“Itul…Venti’s a man,” Naomi said gently, which made Itul start.

“What!? No, Venti’s way cute! And with the braids, and the cute smile, and that slim…hold on, are you really packing?”

“I’m male at the moment,” Venti said absently. “This shadow on your soul…I can feel it-”

There was a massive gust off wind, rattling the glasses along the wall and causing even the walls to tremble. For a moment, Capri saw once more the angelic being, and felt herself fall to her knees in awe and wonder. She heard thumps all around her, as the others fell down in awe. Even Itul was gasping and trembling, as the angel reached a hand into his very soul.

Then the light was gone, and Venti was on the floor, unmoving, while Itul just sat there on his knees, his eyes wide, his expression vacant.

“Venti!” Naomi gasped, running forward and rolling him over. Capri was at her side in an instant, feeling a rush of horror herself.

“I’m alright,” Venti groaned, sitting up with their help. “I…that took more out of me than it should. That thing…space and time…I…I felt it…I don’t…”

Venti let out a gasp of horror and was suddenly the winged angel was here once more, bright bow in his hands.

BE NOT AFRAID. STAY HERE. I WILL DEAL WITH THIS ENTITY.

And then Venti was out the door, wind billowing from a single flap of his wings. Capri didn’t question, she just stood and sprinted after him, Naomi half a step behind her.

When they got outside, they both paused, looking up in awe. Hope swelled in Capri’s heart, and she took Naomi’s hand, squeezing it. “It’s him. He’s here…”

Above them in the sky, Scion hovered, his golden gaze looking down upon Venti. Venti’s back was to Naomi and Capri, but they couldn’t help but feel a sense of wonder and hope: the two great powers of the world had come together. With Scion, Venti could do anything! Stop the Nazis, destroy the Endbringers, save the-

Then Venti spread his wings wide, as if to protect those behind him, and raised his bow. He didn’t knock an arrow, but by the swirling winds, Capri could sense something was wrong. That Venti, somehow, saw Scion as a threat.

WHAT IS IT YOU WANT, YOU FROM BEYOND THE STARS? WHY DO YOU OPPRESS MORTAL MINDS? WHAT IS IT YOU WANT OF ME AND MINE?

Scion just watched Venti for a moment, his golden gaze suddenly ominous to Capri’s mind. He looked down on them like…like they were insects. Worthless. Beneath his notice.

Then Scion simply turned away, and was gone in a sonic boom that had Naomi and Capri both on the ground, weeping in pain.

Venti was down beside them in a moment, touching their ears, and hearing was restored as pain fled.

“I told you to stay inside. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that would draw that…things…attention. It seems even here, I can do only so much,” Venti said, his tone bitter. He shook his head, looking disgusted. “And to think, I gave up my gnosis to Dantalia, only to find an even more horrific foe.”

Itul stepped out, shaking his head and looking dazed. “What happened? Where’s the enemy! I’ll fight ‘em. Just, uh, as soon as my head stops hurting…Uh, also…sorry I thought you were a chick. I, uh, I mean…you’re cute…but I don’t swing that way…”

“And you came to this bar?” Capri asked, trying to force more levity than she felt.

“Hey, it’s a cool bar! Are you sure you’re not staying?” Itul asked, grinning broadly. “Huh, headaches going away. I feel…I feel GREAT! Like I could really…hoo boy. I think I’mma lie down. I need a nap…”

Itul ended up standing there, looking dazed, while Gunter and Leon slowly crept out of the bar.

“Venti…what are you?” Leon asked, his voice raw and full of awe. “I’ve never seen…”

Gunter frowned, folding his arms over his chest. “That voice…I think I have heard it one time only before. Explain.”

“Hmm, it’s a bit hard too,” Venti said, rubbing the back of his head and grinning sheepishly. “Well…you know Raiden Shogun?”

“Who doesn’t? She’s the Endslayer,” Leon said. His eyes grew wide. “Wait, did you kill an Endbringer?! No, what am I saying, of course you didn’t. But how…?”

“Raiden is the Electro Archon, also known as Beezlebul to use her godly name instead of her title. Me? Well, I’m not one to rule a whole country like her, but-”

“Anemo,” Gunter said, holding up his vision. “You’re the Anemo Archon. A…god?”

“Thunder Thighs was telling the truth?!” Leon gasped, looking both awed and horrified.

“Thunder Thighs! I like that! I’ll just add it to my list of pet names for her,” Venti said, pretending to pull a pen out of the air and write it down on an imaginary list. “Ah, I wouldn’t recommend that you call her that though. Unless you happen to be Lightning proof.”

“Hey, I’m lightning proof!” Itul said brightly. “Uh, I think so, anyway. Got hit by a car the other day and it didn’t hurt that much anyway. But uh, if you’re like a god…are we supposed to worship you or something? Because I was all set to worship Raiden. Have you seen the fan art and cosplay of her? Now that’s a sexy woman!”

“Ah, a pity,” Leon sighed. “The boys liked you so much too. I was hoping you’d come back.”

“What, you mean my new bros? Of course I’ll come back! This place is great!” Itul said happily, gesturing to the bar. “Gotta fix that door though. Um, sorry about that. That was pretty cool when I Kool-aid-man’d my way out though, huh?”

Gunter’s lips twitched into a smile. “I think we’ll make an exception for you, if you help me fix the door.” Then he turned to Venti, and knelt, extending his vision. “Lord of Anemo, I will serve as your knight. I am not a praying man, but you…you are a god I would serve.”

“Aw, you’re making me blush! Now stand up, stand up! I’m just Venti now, not Barbatos. It’s a…cape name! Yes, exactly! My secret identity!” Venti planted his hands on his hips and posed dramatically. “I like it! I am Venti Luft, but when the wind calls, they know me as…The Tone Deaf Bard!”

Leon winced and slowly got down on his knees, then blinked and smiled happily. “Hey! I don’t ache like I used to!”

“A Vision does a body good! But seriously, don’t kneel, especially when I’m in this form. I’m the god of Freedom. I want friends, not slaves.”

It took a little urging, but Gunter and Leon did get back on their feet. Then it was time for some real goodbyes, with Capri and Naomi hugging their friends to bid farewell.

“Hit me up some time, I could take one of you lovely ladies on a date!” Itul told them.

“Itul…we’re a couple,” Naomi told him, fighting back a smile.

“I know, a couple of friends!” Itul said happily.

“We’re gay,” Capri told him, and kissed Naomi.

“Oh! That’s uh…I uh…hmmm…” a dopey grin spread over his face, and his eyes took on a distant look. Then Gunter slapped him upside the back of his head.

“Get your mind out of the gutter.”

“Ow! I mean, that didn’t actually hurt, but it did hurt my feels! I would never! Uh, whatever you thought I was doing. Just between us, what did you think I was doing? Because I kinda spaced out there for a moment.”

They loaded up in the van, and headed off, Venti laying in the back, while Naomi sat in the front next to Capri.

“So, where to?” Capri asked, stifling a yawn. She had been up all night.

“Well, I hate to say it, but we actually probably should sleep before our journey, as wonderfully dramatic as riding off into the sunrise now would be,” Venti said, yawning himself. “So I guess it’s back to camp. Then, after we rest, off into the sunset! It’s more practical to leave during sunrise, but there’s something really romantic about a traveler departing during sunset, don’t you think?”

“I suppose,” Naomi agreed. She turned around, looking at Venti curiously. “Did you give Gunter that Vision? And what about Leon?”

“Ah! Good question. So the answer is mostly no, but also yes!” Venti said brightly.

Capri snorted. “That’s nonsense and you know it.”

“No, it’s the truth. If you mean, did I personally select Gunter or Leon and give them their Vision? No. A Vision is the spiritual representation of mortal ambitions. One given form and power by the will of the person who carries it.”

“Really? I thought they came from Trigger events,” Naomi asked curiously. “You know, on your worst day.”

“Hmm. I’ve seen some trauma induced Visions, but that’s usually not the case, not even with Anemo or Cryo visions,” Venti mused.

“So, if you don’t give out the Visions, who does? Some other god?” Capri asked.

“Ah! That’s a theory some scholars support! That it is Celestia who hands out Visions. I think they’d be tearing their hair out in the Akadymia right about now if they could see that we were in a land with no Celestia, and people were still getting Visions! And before you ask, some people do believe that an Archon personally selects people to receive Visions, but I can safely tell you that no, neither I nor any of the other members of the Seven go around and secretly hand out Visions.”

“Stop dancing around and answer the question. How did Gunter and Leon get their Visions?” Capri demanded, glancing in the rearview mirror and frowning at Venti.

“Well, the truth is, no one actually knows. Not even the Archons or other gods,” Venti said with a shrug. Capri shot him another glare, while Naomi tilted her head and frowned.

“But, surely you must have a guess, or at least an idea?” Naomi asked.

“I do, as a matter of fact. I won’t explain it all now, as it takes some of the fun out of things, but let me ask you this: What do you think?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea. They’re powers. They showed up twenty years ago when I was a little kid and have been screwing up the world since then,” Capri said with a snort.

“No…the other powers have…but not Visions,” Naomi said slowly. “We got the Electro Visions about the same time Raiden revealed herself and killed Leviathan. And I hadn’t seen an Anemo Vision before Venti came…and if they’re the Archons…that means somehow, the Visions are tied to them.”

“Right you are!” Venti said brightly. “The Archons DO influence how and when the Visions are given out. I can tell you it’s true that we don’t personally decide who gets them, but…well. I can influence things. Just a little.”

“Could you give us powers?” Capri asked bluntly.

“Hmm, I’m not sure, but perhaps,” Venti mused. “To receive a Vision, your ambition must align to that of an Archon. Raiden is the God of Eternity. And, well, a bit of a loner. People who receive electro visions tend to be eccentrics or loners who single mindedly pursue a goal, especially if it goes against the grain so to speak.”

“Leon definitely goes against the grain. He chooses to have that lisp,” Capri said, her brow creasing. “I’ve heard him stop using it when he gets really serious. It marks him out, makes him conspicuous, and yeah, he’s pursued his goal of having that bar even when everyone else told him it was crazy and he should keep his head down so he didn’t stand out so much.”

“You’re the god of freedom, right? I don’t know Gunter well, but I know he fled DDR by sneaking over the Berlin Wall back in the 70s. I think he really values freedom and democracy, even if he doesn’t talk about it a lot,” Naomi mused.

“Yes, there are….other aspects of my children,” Venti looked painted, and his expression grew distant as he lay down, his eyes slightly haunted. “Out of all the Archons, I’m the most…mortal. I’m not, mind you, but, well…I act like it. And think like it. But I’m not. I’ve lost so many friends over the millenia…it’s one reason I wander so often. It lessens the pain somewhat, not seeing friends grow old.”

They were quiet as Capri navigated through the slowly waking streets back to the campsite. When they got there, Naomi took Venit’s hand. “It’s OK. I know we’ll grow old someday, but…as long as you’re on this quest to free the land…It’s what I want too. I ran away from home, I…I lost my parents…they won’t even talk to me…”

Tears were running down Naomi’s cheeks, but her voice was firm. “I did it because they wanted to put me in a box. And I refused. I wasn’t their perfect little daughter, I was me. And now, people are trying to put this whole country in a box. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll work as hard as it takes, even if it means sleepless nights…”

Capri nodded her agreement, putting her hands over Naomi. “People have called me a freak all my life. I ran away from home too. I was married to a pig of a man at 16, and that wasn’t for me. I did odd jobs for a while, and I was sort of lost until I met Naomi. But I’ve always wanted my music to move people, and I think now I have the chance to do it with you. We’ll break the stupid old traditions, and make the world free again.”

A voice whispered in Capri’s ear, but she ignored it. “Even if I don’t have powers, it doesn’t matter. This is something worth fighting for. So even if I’m just your chauffeur, I’ll drive you from one end of Europe to the other to make this happen.”

“Together,” Naomi agreed.

Venti grinted. “Done, and Done.”

Something tugged at Capri’s spirit, and she started listening.

Even though the crowd rejects you and the music fades, you will not cease to play: Your ambition is too great.

Come what may, you will face the storm, singing your defiance amidst the lightning and thunder, never ceasing. Your obsession will drive you forward.

No matter what you face, you will push on, demanding that the world turn to your song. Eternity will be your goal.

No matter the cacophony or discord, you will never cease to sing, into Eternity, though your years are but a moment, your song will live forever.

After all: There must always be mortals who will face the Lightning’s Glow.

Capri gripped the lightning, and it flowed through her. Somehow, her guitar was in her hands, and she struck a power cord. “LET’S ROCK!”

Beside her, Naomi danced to unheard music, and the winds wrapped around her, coalescing into a Vision of power.

When they came back to themselves, they looked to Venti. Who promptly rapped his knuckles on his forehead and stuck out his tongue.

“I don’t choose who gets a Vision….but I can put in a good word on someone’s behalf.

Welcome…Knights of Favonius!”

Dark Legend of Potter, Chapter 52

Epilogue Year 2: The Devil Queen’s Curse Upon This School Year!

The wide tapestry of the sky stretched from horizon to horizon, broken up only by the shadows of the mountains to the west. Raising his thumb, Remus Lupin blotted out a bit of Maui’s Fishhook, squinting slightly as he traced it down through the rest of the constellation he’d known as Scorpio growing up. He’d thought there were a lot of stars in the Scottish Highlands  as a boy, but seeing the night sky here in the middle of the Pacific on the Eastern shore of a sparsely inhabited island was an entirely new experience. Normally, the beauty of nature and the wonder of it all was enough to take his breath away.

Instead, he let his hand flop back down to his side, and he let out a heavy sigh. “Sirius, what am I doing with my life?”

A few faint discordant notes for that damn ukulele that Sirius flattered himself he could play (but very much could not) drifted through the night air. “Rejuvenating. Healing. Letting that stress flow out of you.”

Remus gave a noncommittal grunt, and not for the first time pondered going over and ripping the instrument out of Sirius’ hands and then breaking it over his skull. The man really was awful.

“I know, I just… should we be doing more?”

There was a louder than usual twang, and the ‘music’ finally stopped. “Oh? Like what?”

That was the rough part. Remus couldn’t rightly figure out what else he should be doing. “Oh, I don’t know. Something. We’ve done nothing but sit in this beach house for twelve years now.”

“You give surfing lessons, and I’m a trained rescue dog,” Sirius said proudly. “Why, we saved those hikers stuck in that canyon two weeks ago.”

Remus turned to glare at his friend balefully. The effect was somewhat spoiled by the fact that he was glaring at a big black dog that was panting at him happily. “You know what I mean. We’re wizards! We were members of the Order of the Phoenix! Aren’t you bored? Don’t you miss home?”

Sirius gave him a doggy grin, then shifted back to his normal self. “Oh ho, are you missing the ever-shifting eyes of a certain cousin of mine?”

Remus colored faintly and lay back down on his hammock. “That has nothing to do with it. She’s much too young for me.”

“She didn’t seem to think so. And you’re not that much older than her.”

“I’m 13 years older than her! She’s twenty! And she’s your COUSIN! Aren’t you supposed to be protective of her!?”

“Chris seems to think it’s a good idea, and I’m all for you finally having some actual fun,” Sirius said, and started torturing his instrument again.

That made Remus pause. “She was ah, rather for it, wasn’t she? You don’t think…?”

“I do try not to,” Sirius mused. “Bad for your health, that.”

Remus snorted, but his thoughts turned to twelve years ago when he’d first met Chris, and her companion Aqua. The two women had appeared to him in a dream, and informed him that not only was Sirius Black innocent, but that the Damn Rat was alive, and had been the one responsible.

Remus had been hesitant to act and had apparently hesitated long enough that Chris had gotten impatient and shown up on his doorstep. He’d been skeptical at first, until Chris had shown him who she really was: Eris, Goddess of Fortune. Aqua had arrived not long after, and they’d explained to Remus that a prison break was going to happen. He’d gone along, half hoping Sirius was innocent, half disbelieving the entire thing.

Though he did start to wonder if Lily and James hadn’t been quite as crazy as he’d thought they’d been.

Until he’d seen Chris tackle a Dementor and gleefully beat it to death with a stuffed penguin. He hadn’t thought it was even possible for a Dementor to cry, or to be killed, but then he’d seen Aqua dispatch half a dozen of them with a single blow of her fist. Between that and the lethal stuffed penguin, he’d been ready to believe anything.

Sirius had been weeping in his cell, half mad with grief. He hadn’t even responded to Lupin opening the cell (the Aurors on duty had apparently been taking a nap). Then Aqua and Chris had gone over and taken his hands, and he’d slowly looked up.

“It’s OK, Padfoot,” Aqua said, patting his hand. “We’re here to rescue you!”

“Did…did I get him?” Sirius had asked.

Eris had shouldered her penguin and looked smug. “No, but I’ve taken care of it. Oh yes. I can’t wait for that one to happen. Now come on. There’s no way we’re letting you rot in Azkaban for a decade.”

After that, Lupin and his new pet dog moved to Hawaii at the goddess’ urging. The fact that Sirius had escaped from Azkaban had been all over the papers, and Lupin had quietly spread the rumor that he was getting out of town before Sirus tracked him down and killed him too. That had pained him, until Sirius had started writing a series of letters to the Daily Prophet where he used a variety of creative language to imply the awful things he was going to do to Remus when he found him, but mostly amounted to Sirius giving Lupin a wet willy if you knew him well enough.

Just then, the phone rang. Remus frowned and got up, heading over to pick up the phone while Sirius continued his awful playing. In twelve years, the man had only gotten worse. It was almost like he was doing it on purpose.

“Remus speaking.”

“Ah, Mr. Lupin, how has Hawaii been for you?” a familiar and kindly tone said.

Remus straightened up immediately, a smile breaking out on his face. “It’s been good, if a bit dull lately, sir. Good to hear from you. I hadn’t realized you had a phone, Headmaster.”

“Oh, no, I don’t. Never could figure the things out. I’m borrowing one from a friend of yours.”

“Hi, Remus!” Tonks’ voice said happily. “How’s tricks?”

Remus felt himself blushing. “Oh, ‘lo, Tonks. Er, well, been a bit quiet since you left. How have you been?”

Tonks blew a loud raspberry. “Don’t know if you’ve heard, but Hogwarts got blown up again. Been a right mess here.”

The bottom fell out of Remus’ stomach, and he glanced at Sirius, who had picked up the other line and was looking at him wide-eyed. “Hogwarts was destroyed? Wait, again? What’s been happening!?”

“Megumin,” Tonks sighed. “The Headmaster can tell you more about it.”

“Ah, yes, well, it seems that Miss Potter had destroyed Voldemort again. For the third time. It’s remarkable, but I do wish she’d do it somewhere other than school grounds,” Dumbledore said, sounding weary himself.

“Third time!? Wait, do you mean that rumor I heard about her facing him her first year…”

Chris had mentioned something about that during her visit, but had seemed vaguely embarrassed about the whole thing. And, well, Remus had been, uh, otherwise occupied.

“All too true I’m afraid. She has quite a remarkable penchant for finding trouble, and then promptly blowing it up. I fear what will happen in this next school year,” Dumbledore sighed.

Remus’ chest tightened. “Sir, if there’s anything I can do, any way at all I could help…”

Dumbledore chuckled, and Remus suddenly felt as though a steel trap had just closed about him. “Well, now that you mention it, Remus my boy, I am in a spot of trouble. I’m in need of a Defense Against the Dark Arts professor once more. Someone with a good head on his shoulders, who can teach the students how to defend themselves. Preferably without destroying my school.”

“Sir, I’m your man,” Remus said immediately, then winced and backtracked. “Uh, well, if you’d have a werewolf. I mean, I don’t think I’d endanger the students, not with the recent changes, but…”

“Recent changes?” Dumbledore asked. Tonks giggled loudly, and Remus felt himself blushing again. “Well, never mind that. Severus can prepare all the wolfsbane potion you need. I can’t think of a better man for the job.”

There was a sneaking suspicion at the back of Remus’ mind that there was no other man for the job, not at the rate that Hogwarts churned through Defense professors. He blinked, realizing something. “What happened to Lady Aqua? Wasn’t she serving as your Defense Professor?”

Remus Siriusly doubted that any curse could possibly affect Aqua, and he didn’t see how anyone who could beat Dementors to death with her bare hands could be anything but eminently qualified for the position.

“She has, ah, assumed a different professorship,” Dumbledore said, his tone rather odd. Remus had known Dumbledore to keep secrets, but something seemed off about the situation. Still, this was exactly what Remus had been looking for.

“I’ll have my bags packed and take the first flight to Britain in the morning, sir,” Remus said. There was a whine at his feet, and he looked down to see Sirius in dog form, holding a suitcase by the handle in his teeth, staring up at him with puppy-dog eyes. Remus hoped he hadn’t packed the stupid ukulele.

“Oh, one other thing, sir. What’s your policy on pets?”

Sirus’ tail thumped the floor, and Remus grinned. For some reason, he found he was more excited to get to see Tonks again. That was silly. He was doing this to help Megumin in honor of her parents. And not to get laid again.

Somewhere, Chris and Aqua squeed happily.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Once, Knockturn Alley had been a dark and dangerous place, filled with unsavory sorts and a peril to any unprepared witch or wizard that happened down its mislaid cobblestones. Now it was possibly the safest place in Britain, if not the world, though the people there were universally rejects and oddballs.

And none more so than the proprietress of Wiz’s Shop and Sundries, purveyors of the finest edible soaps and portable singing toilets.

They didn’t get a lot of business. Even Wizards have some limits on the nonsense they’ll purchase.

Currently, Wiz was off to one of her only customers and suppliers: Xenophilius Lovegood, who was perhaps the only person in Wizarding Britain with worse product design sense than Wiz herself.

Quite an achievement in a culture that sold earwax flavored candy.

Still, the shop wasn’t empty. A small black cat slept on the counter, her bat wings folded on her back as her owl companion pecked at some owl treats. On the floor, Vanir was just finishing reconstructing the Mirror of Erised, which he’d manage to purchase at a discount, seeing as it had been subject to a Megu-ton Explosion.

When he was finished, he took about a takeout box of fish and chips, still steaming slightly, and placed it before the mirror. “O Queen of Hell and Embodiment of Hunger, thy Familiar calls thee with the appropriate offering.”

Chomusuke looked up from her nap, hopping down as the image in the mirror resolved to that of a little girl with Crimson eyes, dark hair, and a cute little yellow star ornament in her hair. “Hi Vanir!  Where’s my food?”

Vanir reached for the takeout, but Chomusuke let out a loud yowl. He frowned down at the cat. “Moi asked if thou wanted anything when moi went to get the offering, and you said nothing, misbegotten beast! This is for the mistress!”

He handed the box over to the little girl in the mirror, the glass rippling slightly as his white glove hand passed through. Chomusuke looked mortally offended, until her true Mistress picked out a bit of fish and tossed it back out of the mirror. “Here, Chomu! Are you taking good care of my big sis?”

“Yes, mistress,” Chomusuke said, then took the fish and wandered off to go eat it.

The mirror girl dug into her food, smacking her lips. She looked around after a moment and frowned. “Where’s the condiments?”

“I am fresh out of the blood of the innocent, mistress, but I could go catch and unsuspecting child to season thy repast with,” Vanir offered.

“Nah, we’re reformed and stuff now. I was thinking more ketchup.”

“I have vinegar distilled from the shame of middle-aged men,” Vanir offered, holding up a vial that stank of mid-life crisis.

“Eh, that’ll work.” After pouring the distilled embarrassment of going bald and getting fat over her food, the girl quickly polished it off and smacked her lips.

“Right! So what’s the plan to summon me? The stupid goddesses didn’t invite me, but I’m inviting myself!”

“Moi could simply pull thee through the mirror and have done with it,” Vanir pointed out.

“No! I am KOMEKKO! CUTEST LITTLE SISTER OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN, AND SHE WHO WILL GO TO HOGWARTS WITH HER BIG SIS! And I’m not just stepping through a dumb mirror! I already de-aged myself to eleven! And now I want a big, dramatic entrance! What have you got for me?”

Vanir sighed and held up a book, the cover of which read, ‘HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE.’

“Well, Mistress, moi believes that the graveyard scene would be the most dramatic possible moment to summon thee to this world.”

Komekko brightened. “Yeah! I like that! Hmm, does that mean we have to make Big Sis the Champion of Hogwarts?”

“Yes, though due to certain circumstances, moi believes other steps will need to be taken.”

“Oh, like what?” Komekko asked curiously.

“Well, thy sister blew what remained of the foolish man who fancied himself a devil king but was at best a small-town bully to smithereens, and his spirit will not reform without aid for many years. And, of course, the meddlesome goddesses have interfered with the Rat, and likely the son who betrayed his father and replaced the madman.”

“Hmm, I see,” Komekko stroked her chin, which was currently coated in crumbs from her meal. “Chomusuke, can you keep an eye on the Rat and make sure he escapes to find his master?”

“Of course, Mistress. Though currently, the Rat has forgotten he is a man. I shall have to remind him,” Chomusuke said with a yawn.

“Make it painful! His soul will taste extra good when he goes to hell if we season it right!” Komekko said, licking her lips. “Hmm, I guess we’ll have to seek out Voldemort too.” She brightened suddenly. “Hey! What if we have him summon the Queen of Hell to help defeat Megumin?”

Vanir rubbed his hands together gleefully. “Oh yes, Mistress. The shame of that would be delightful! Moi can seek out that mean spirit and nurture it. Moi has a list of the Horcruxes here.”

Vanir held up a copy of THE DEATHLY HALLOWS, proving that JK Rowling still has an audience in hell at least.

“Well, make sure to put it back so Big Sis can go on her scavenger hunt later! I guess I can wait another year. But make sure my entrance is super dramatic and cool!”

“Of course, Mistress. Moi shall also ensure there are sufficient victuals.”

“Perfect! First, Hogwarts, and then THE WORLD!” Komekko declared, then threw her head back and laughed maniacally. Which was rather adorable, considering.

Vanir and Chomusuke joined it, all of them laughing like the Legion of Doom. Until the door flew open and Wiz stepped in. “Vanir, I’m back! You wouldn't believe the lovely collection of Blibbering Humdinger repellent Xenophilius had! I-oh! What are you laughing about?”

Vanir immediately shut his mouth, and Komekko vanished from the mirror. Wiz stepped over, inspecting it. She brightened, adjusting her hair. “Oh, I see myself finding my true love, and we open a lovely little shop together and have a big family!”

“Foolish lich! You cannot even turn a profit with these mad mortals that will buy anything but what you sell! Our profits are naught but sand!”

The two of them started bickering again, even as Chomusuke got back into a basket, which Hedwig picked up and flew back to Little Whinging. The doom of the world had been plotted and planned, and would soon be upon it.

Oh well. It was mostly already doomed anyway. Megumin had already learned Explosion after all.

The Second Archon War, Carmen Dei 4

Beta’d and edited by the Grand Cogitator, Yae Miko, and Philosphysics

It wasn’t often that Alexandria got a priority alert just for her, but when she did, she took them extremely seriously. The sorts of threats and situations that called for the immediate attention of the PRT’s most durable Brute and fastest Mover were things like Slaughterhouse Nine attacks, Endbringer Assaults, S Class threats that could level cities, those sorts of things.

Or, in this case, a phone call to a number she’d given out to only a handful of people.

Alexandria touched down, slowing herself in the last few moments so that she barely even ruffled the grass beneath her. She noted that there were more than a few weeds growing, and several items of disrepair around the house. It wasn’t a complete wreck, but obviously, it hadn’t been kept up with properly.

The only person waiting for her was a panicked-looking woman with a tear-stained face and frazzled hair, her glasses slightly askew. When Alexandria touched down, she cringed slightly, but also looked hopeful. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I didn’t know what else to do!”

“It’s fine, Mrs. Hebert,” Alexandria said gently. “I gave you that number for a reason. What’s the problem?”

“Taylor’s gone missing!” Annette said, tears filling her eyes again. “The police and Armsmaster have been looking for hours, but they can’t find her! Oni Lee just broke out of confinement again and…and I’m worried…”

She trailed off into sobs, and Alexandria took a moment to hug the poor woman. Her own heart wretched slightly. She could never have children of her own, a consequence of the stasis her body was in. While Alexandria didn’t have the full understanding of what Annette was going through, she understood the panic and pain at the thought of a loved one dead or missing.

“It’s OK. I’ll find her. I promise.” Alexandria lifted back up into the air, and put a hand to her comms channel. “Wyatte, I need a hand here.”

“Sure thing, I got the priority message. What’s up?”

“Taylor Hebert has gone missing. Possible kidnapping situation. Do you still have that biometrics scanner?”

“Shit, yeah, I’m in the lab. Have it ready for you by the time you get here.”

Cross-country trips never felt like they took so long, with the trip back to Los Angeles taking almost 10 minutes, though most of that was because Alexandria didn’t want to travel through populated areas at supersonic speeds before she was high enough up.

When she landed in Wyatte’s personal lab, he was already at the door, the tinkertech scanner already in his hands.

“Get a physical profile, input it here,” he said, pointing to a keypad on the device, which resembled a short metal detector with a tube attached to the shaft. “Range is limited to about a hundred feet, and you’ll have to fly relatively slow to pick it up. You’ll get a lot of false positives in a city though, it might take time.”

“Thanks,” Alexandra said, taking a precious moment to remove her helmet and give her Hero a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’ll find the kid, don’t worry.”

“Wish I could come help, but by the time I got there…” Hero grimaced.

“I know. But you still helped.” Putting her helmet back on, Alexandria took off for Brockton Bay again.

The biometrics were easy enough to look up, Taylor’s height, weight, and a picture from her school were all in the system. She started off in what to her was the most logical place: the Docks. Oni Lee and his gang were most active in that area, and there were a lot of warehouses for a kidnapper to hide in.

After only ten minutes of searching, she got a hit. A little girl roughly matching Taylor’s description in a shipping container near the port. Even if it wasn’t her target, Alexandria figured it was some sort of human trafficking operation, and worth her time to check in on.

However, when Alexandria flew down to the shipping container, she found that it was open and full of boxes of food. Behind several boxes, she found a little girl crouched, a Barbie backpack on her back, a small suitcase on her lap, dressed in several layers of clothes. She let out a cry when she saw Alexandria and tried to hide behind a box.

“Taylor?’ Alexandria asked, slowly moving aside the box.

“Go away!” Taylor cried, still hiding behind her suitcase. “I’m leaving!”

Gently, Alexandria took the suitcase out of Taylor’s hands and peered inside. It was crammed with bottles of water, some notebooks and pencils, and some plastic trash bags.

“That’s mine! I need it!” Taylor wailed, reaching up towards Alexandria.

“Are you running away from home?” Alexandra asked, taking out a notebook. It was labeled MY PLAN: SUPER SECRET DO NOT READ.

“That’s private,” Taylor begged, tears appearing in her eyes, but Alexandria ignored her.

The notebook was written in rather neat handwriting, and had several drawings that weren’t bad for a six year old. It detailed a plan on how to become a cape and kill the Siberian. The first step of which was rather interesting.

“You’re running away to Japan to be trained by Raiden?” Alexandria asked, fighting to keep the amusement out of her voice. There was a detailed drawing of Taylor finding ‘Princess Ami’ and befriending her before meeting the Raiden Shogun, who would then agree to train Taylor in the “ways of the blade” so that she could get a ‘tinkertech sword’ and then ‘beat the Siberian.’

The drawings of Taylor fighting and killing the Siberian were particularly vivid, complete with bright red blood and plans for special armor for Taylor.

“Yes! Because you won’t train me!” Taylor huffed, standing up and stamping her foot. “I called the Wards SIX TIMES and they won’t even talk to me!”

Sighing, Alexandria put a hand to her helmet. “Armsmaster? This is Alexandria.”

“I read you,” Colin’s gruff voice responded.

“I found Taylor Hebert. She’s fine. I’ll have her home safe soon.”

“Copy that,” Colin said, his tone tight. The bastard was probably upset he hadn’t found Taylor himself. “I’ll let the police and mother know.”

Lowering her hand, Alexandria saw that Taylor was still glaring up at her, tears falling freely down her cheeks now, hands balled up into fists. She took off her helmet, shaking out her hair, then knelt in front of Taylor. The little girl still looked suspicious and pouty, but she didn’t drop her gaze when Alexandria met her eyes.

“Taylor, you can’t just run away from home,” Alexandria said, trying not to smile or start laughing. It was all rather ridiculous. Even if it was rather impressive that Taylor had managed to carry out such an elaborate plan so far.

“Yes I can,” Taylor said, proving that arguing with six-year-olds is never a course for the wise.

While Alexandria was good at a lot of things, handling children was not one of them. She racked her brains for a moment, then said, “If you run away from home, who’s going to protect your mom?”

That was apparently not something Taylor had thought about, and fresh tears entered her eyes. “D-do you think the Siberian is going to attack my house?!”

“No, no, of course not,” Alexandria said, desperately trying to think of what to say. “But if you left, she’d be really lonely, right? And it’s a long way to Japan. How do you even know this container is going to Japan?”

“Cause it says so,” Taylor said, pointing to a box. The label said AUTHENTIC JAPANESE WASABI. For a kid, that probably wasn’t terrible logic, but it also was far from correct.

“These bottles are from Japan. They’re going elsewhere in America,” Alexandria said. “Besides, I think Raiden is probably busy. She won’t have time to train a child.”

“That’s not what it says in Lightning Princess Ami,” Taylor said, and reached into her backpack. She pulled out a colorful book with an anime-style picture of Raiden and her ward, both of which had swords. An intimidating half-man, half-dragon figure stood in the background, while a monstrous Leviathan attacked a city. Taylor opened the book, paging through it, until she came to the page she was looking for. She held it up for Alexandria, who took it.

Inside was some sort of comic that made no sense, and Alexandria frowned. The events were pure nonsense, and reading it was very confusing.

“It’s backwards,” Taylor told her. “You hafta read it the other way, ‘cause it’s a manga.”

“Ah.” That did make the comic make much more sense, and Alexandria saw it was a scene where Raiden was training Ami and another little girl on how to use swords and their various super powers. She lowered the book. “Taylor…this is make-believe. It’s not real, like a fairy tale.”

“Nuh-uh! Raiden and Ami and Mushu are totally real, I saw them on TV! And Jessica is real too! I can be just like them, and get a special sword, and then kill the Siberian!”

Once more, Alexandria found herself stonewalled by the child logic that Taylor was running on. “Well, yes, but it’s like my comic books. Those aren’t real either.”

“But they have to be! I have all of them! You’re super cool!” A new idea dawned on Taylor, and she suddenly grabbed onto Alexandria. “You could teach me instead! I could be your sidekick! You could get me into the Wards and teach me how to fight and have Hero make me a jetpack and a ray gun and then we could kill the Siberian!”

Oh hell. Alexandria was not equipped for this battle. “Taylor…I’ve fought the Siberian. Do you see my nose?”

Taylor examined the organ in question. “It’s crooked.”

“She broke it. She was the first person to ever injure me. I’ve fought Endbringers and they’ve hurt me, but she was the first person. She’s dangerous.”

That made Taylor’s expression grow stormy. “You’re like all the other grownups. You won’t let me help because I’m a kid! Well, kids can have superpowers too! And when I get mine, I’m going to be just like my daddy and be a hero!”

“He was a hero. He saved my life,” Alexandria said quietly.

Taylor’s lips trembled for a moment, and the next thing Alexandria knew she had a sobbing child wrapped around her neck. She gingerly and gently rubbed Taylor’s back, whispering soothing words. She really did not know how to handle this.

Once Taylor was hiccuping and calmed down a little, Alexandria tried something that had worked on her when she was younger. “How about we go get WcDonalds?”

“I like WcDonalds,” Taylor sniffled.

And so, Alexandria scooped a suddenly gleeful Taylor up in her arms, taking the backpack and suitcase (which was stuffed with various comics and toys, along with two sets of clothes. Taylor turned out to be rather practical for a six-year-old) and flew Taylor to the nearest WcDonalds, where Taylor got a Happy Meal and Alexandria got two Big Wacs and a Cape Sized Fries for the cost of taking a picture with all the staff members.

She didn’t know it as they ate at the table and Taylor poured her heart out, but Alexandria had just altered the course of Taylor's life, and made herself an inextricably good and important person in Taylor’s mind. When no one else had listened to the small girl’s insane plan to get superpowers and fight her father’s killer, Alexandria did.

And so, a potential future where Alexandria choked to death on her own pride and hubris at the feet of a young madwoman faded away forever.

She returned Taylor to a weeping Annette and assured both mother and daughter she would check in soon. Taylor instantly became the coolest and most popular kid in class, for having gone to WcDonalds with Alexandria and even getting to fly with her. It was even better when Alexandria put in an appearance at Taylor’s seventh birthday party the next year, and gave her a present. Her father’s old Vision, taken from Doctor Mother’s lab without permission by Wyatte.

Alexandria never promised out loud that she would help Taylor become a Cape or a Ward, and certainly not that she would help Taylor trigger. But that’s what Taylor heard anyway as she traced the blank crystal of the Vision. .

And so, the seeds of Ambition were planted and watered with Hope. For now, the Vision lay dormant. But sometimes, at night, when Taylor held it and whispered her dreams to her father’s soul, she could feel it crackle in her hands.

Capri had a pretty good sense for how rough a neighborhood was, and how likely she was to get given dirty looks, bruises, or a knife in the ribs from walking down the streets. She had heard plenty of people talk about how before Cologne things hadn’t been so bad, and she vaguely remembered in her teens cities being safer and people being less hostile, and there being fewer bums.

But Germany had never really been safe for a Romani, and especially not a Romani girl. It wasn’t a crime if she was a gypsy, after all.

All of her finely honed senses told her that the street that the Feisty Ferret was on was not a place she should trek alone after dark in. The asphalt was cracked and weeds were growing in the cracks of the sidewalk, and there were signs for adult video stores, needles in the gutter, and baggies that had been filled with pills stuck in the overgrown bushes. Bums who slept in the alleys stared at you suspiciously, some of them with the obvious marks of drug abuse, others with the wild, haunted look of the mentally unwell.

There was a fresh swastika graffitied on the side of the building, along with a pink triangle that had a skull drawn on it. She supposed after their performance, they’d add a black triangle and a Star of David. The message to her animal instincts was clear: Danger. Get away.

She adjusted the strap on her guitar, and her hand found Naomi’s as they walked towards the building. Gunter and Leon looked up from their whitewashing of the graphite, and Leon smiled and waved. “Oh hello there! We’ll just finish up here and meet you girls inside, doors unlocked!”

Gunter just nodded and continued to try and erase the visible signs of hate. He couldn’t do anything about the seething resentment below the surface though, no matter how hard he scrubbed. Well. Maybe Capri could try and fight it the same way she usually did: with her music. Even if it was a losing battle.

“Mind if I give you gentlemen a hand?” Venti said, setting the keyboard they’d bought him against the wall.

“Ooo, please do, my back is just killing me,” Leon laughed, holding the brush towards Venti.

Venti took it, and set the tip on the ground. The air trembled, and even Gunter stopped what he was doing. He dropped his brush, hand going to the knife at his belt as he sensed the sudden menace and danger that radiated around Venti for a brief instant.

Then Venti ran the brush over the wall. The colors swirled, the black and red of the swastika merged with the pink of the triangle. The wind blew, and for some reason, it was tinted green. Capri had to blink, and when she opened her eyes, there was a picture of a winged green symbol she didn’t recognize. Below it, two ferrets danced amid a field of rainbow flowers. Her breath caught, and a tear came to her eyes.

“Normally I paint only with words, but I couldn’t just leave that eyesore,” Venti laughed, tossing the astonished Leon the brush. “Now, we have a concert to perform! Let’s get set up, and have a drink while we think of happier things!”

Gunter looked at the painting, them and Venti, and grunted. He was a big man, with light brown hair going to gray with a grizzled beard. His features were bluff, as if carved from stone, and despite the fact that he was getting up there in years, his hairy arms were still thick and knotted with muscle. He had on a tight black shirt that showed he was getting a little flabby, but his chest was still broad. It also showed where his shoulder holster was, along with his old service pistol. Gunter believed that if you hid a threat, it wasn’t as effective.

“I’ll show you where to set up,” Gunter said, his gruff baritone a sharp contrast to Leon’s lispy tenor. He led Venti inside the bar, leaving Capri and Naomi standing with the still flabbergasted Leon.

“You didn’t tell me he was a cape too!” Leon said, finally finding his voice again.

“Uh, yes! A cape! That’s what he is,” Naomi said, and laughed in a manner that was about as convincing as a five-year-old lying about who’d spilt the milk. That was one thing Capri loved about Naomi, though there were times she wished she was slightly better at lying.

Leon, however, seemed to be too stunned to realize Naomi was nervous and shook his head. He looked at the mural, and a sad smile quirked at his lips. “Well. I wonder how long this one will last.”

“What do you mean?” Capri asked, suddenly suspicious.

Leon’s shoulders slumped. “This isn’t the first time a cape has tried to stand up for us, sweetie. They always end up dead or crippled. Or worse.”

“Venti’s different,” Naomi said firmly.

“For all our sakes…I hope you’re right,” Leon sighed and forced a smile. “Well, let’s go get set up! It’ll be a night to remember…”

Venti had the keyboard set up already, and Gunter had connected him to the power system. Venti was plucking at keys experimentally, a look of concentration on his face.

“Interesting instrument. I’ve heard of them making things like this in Fontaine, but I’ve never seen one before,” he commented absently.

Gunter paused, frowning at Venti as he adjusted an amp. “That’s a Yamaha. They’re from Japan, not France.”

“Well, maybe Beezlebul made it!” Venti laughed, still tapping the keys.

“You’ve never played piano?” Leon asked, looking baffled. “Why don’t you play your harp?”

“Oh, Capri had me listen to some of her rock and roll! I quite liked it! It’s what she and Naomi usually play, so I figured I should have an instrument to accompany them properly instead of an old-fashioned lyre.

“Can you play it?” Capri asked, and felt her heart skip a beat.

Venti grinned at her. “Well, it can’t hurt to try!”

He suddenly ran his fingers down the keyboard and began to play a funky pop beat.

You could never know what it's like

Your blood, like winter, freezes just like ice

The next thing Capri knew, she had her guitar out, and Naomi’s drums were set up like magic. They joined in with Venti, the music flowing together perfectly. Gunter and Leon were dancing and laughing, and despite the fact that the bar was still empty, the music filled the air, and for a few minutes, their troubles were cast away upon the wind.

When they finished, Venti laughed and bowed as Gunter and Leon both applauded enthusiastically.

“My God, that was the best music we’ve had in, in, well, maybe ever!” Leon laughed.

“Well, I don’t know that I’m ready to be a god just yet, but put a few beers in me and we’ll see,” Venti said with a wink.

“Funny, you saying you didn’t play piano,” Gunter chuckled. “You play well.”

“First time for everything! Now, what’s the plan if, oh, some of those miscreants show up?” Venti asked.

Gunter went serious again, letting go of Leon and patting his knife and gun. “I show them off. You’re a cape, right?”

“I happen to have a very fabulous cape, yes,” Venti agreed with a wink.

“Keep the bar safe. Some of the Meisters still come when we call for them. Munich has been safer than most cities, but that’s changing,” Gunter said, shaking his head slowly. “It gets much worse, and we’ll need to move to Japan.”

Leon let out a disgusted sound. “I am not moving to that hussy’s country! She’s a dictator, Gunter!”

“She keeps the peace, and doesn’t let lynch mobs hang people in the streets,” Gunter said, shrugging, and obviously repeating an argument they’d had before.

“It’s the peace of the sword! I’d rather move to America. Legend has made good chances there,” Leon huffed, but he looked concerned. “We could even get married.”

“Already are, for all I care,” Gunter said, rubbing a gold band on his left ring finger. “As far as I’ve heard, the Shogun doesn’t care who you love. And it’s safer in Japan.”

“There are monsters there! Horrible flowers that try to eat you, and slimes! But…well…I suppose there are advantages to not having to worry about Endbringer attacks or rogue capes…”

“Ah, slimes aren’t so hard to deal with, they can even be kind of cute!” Venti said with a smile.

“Venti,” Naomi whispered, “There aren’t any slimes in Germany! They’re weird monsters that showed up in Japan because of the Desolation.”

“Oh? What poor mad god did she kill this time?” Venti sighed, keeping his voice low.

“Leviathan. And Endbringer. She’s the only Endslayer, ever. Not even the vaunted American PRT has managed to bring one down,” Capri added softly.

“Huh, I have a lot more reading to do,” Venti said, scratching the back of his head and laughing. “I’ve had a hard time listening to the Whispers of the Wind lately. I guess I’m feeling a little out of sorts after landing here in Munich.”

Gunter and Leon finished their argument and excused themselves to get the bar opened shortly. Normally the band wouldn’t show up for a while, but Leon had been champing at the bit to have the Tone Deaf Bards playing for as long as possible. They started to warm up, though with Venti that meant they basically started playing note-perfect renditions of various songs, and Venti teaching Capri and Naomi some new ones they’d never heard of.

“What song is this one called?” Capri asked after they finished running through what sounded like a rock rendition of a joyful tavern tune.

“Rainbow Wind! I just wrote it,” Venti explained, nodding to the music sheet he’d pulled out of nowhere to give to Capri. Not that it mattered: she could read sheet music, but she was much better at playing by ear. Naomi was the classically trained one, not her.

“You just invented it, right now?” Capri asked, feeling skeptical.

“Well, I adapted it to rock music, some of the words are originally from a traditional Mondstadt song about two lovers! I made a couple of changes based on what I’ve learned of German culture in the last few days, and there you go! A new song!” Venti said, bowing with a flourish. “You’re lucky I met Xinyan a few years back; her style was very similar to this. You remind me of her, actually.”

“Sure, whatever,” Capri said with a shrug. She looked down at her old guitar and shook her head. When they played…it was like magic. No, it WAS magic. She just…knew. She’d always been a talented musician, able to play tunes after earring them only a few times, but she’d always needed practice to get things exactly right, and she’d certainly never been able to play songs she’d never heard before right the first time. Was Venti controlling them?

“Let’s take a break, I could use a drink before we really start!” Venti said. He walked over to the bar and hopped up on a stool. “Three beers, Gunter! And something for my friends, too!”

“Cute. You’ll be popular with the boys,” Gunter said, and slid a single stein to Venti.

“Oh, I’m popular with the boys and girls,” Venti assured Gunter, batting his eyelashes.

Gunter gave his usual monosyllabic grunt, then poured Capri a rum and coke, and Naomi a watered down glass of wine. “First one’s on the house. You get more later.”

“Ah, well, worth a try!” Venti guzzled half his beer, waiting for Gunter to head into the back. She could hear the cook arriving; Francois was a skinny boy, but he certainly knew how to cook.

“Something on your mind?” Venti said, leaning towards Capri.

She shrugged, but Naomi gave her a worried look. “We sound good. Too good. I just…is this my music, that I’m playing? Or am I just a puppet for you?”

“Ah.” Venti nodded, a faraway look in his eyes. “That’s a question I’ve heard before. Let me ask you one in return: Who gave you the gift of music?”

Capri opened her mouth to say, “No one,” but then closed it. She frowned and looked at Naomi. “Did…did you?”

“Ha! You flatter me! But no. I wasn’t here when you were born to bless you, and besides, I’m not the one who created humanity. You were around long before I ever ascended. No, you were created with that gift in you.”

Naomi beamed at Venti, and Capri sighed and nodded. She supposed her days of agnosticism were over, forget about being an atheist.

“So, while I can help you use your gift, bring it out of you, I can’t make you do it. I also can’t bring out something that isn’t there. The music? That’s yours and Naomi’s, Capri. Your soul resonates with the song I sing, but it is the gift in your heart that brings out true beauty.”

“So, you don’t just have some sort of mind control powers?” Capri asked, feeling slightly relieved.

“Hmm, that’s hard to answer, honestly. Mortals respond to gods in a certain way, and our very presence influences how mortals think. I’ve seen humans faint in terror at a single word spoken by a god, fall down in worship at the mere presence of a deity, or even forswear themselves at a glance,” Venti said, peering mournfully into his empty beer stein.

“And…what do you make people feel?” Naomi asked, and Capri realized she was holding her breath as she waited for the answer.

Venti set down his mug, and he spread his hands wide. “Freedom.”

Capri thought about that. She did feel free when she was singing, moreso than any other time. She raised her drink in toast. “Well. That’s something to drink to. To freedom.”

The bar opened in the midafternoon, and customers started filtering in. At first, the band took turns playing some gentle music, since it wasn’t really time for things to get swinging yet. Naomi could play guitar, piano, and of course the drums, while Capri played acoustic and electric guitar and occasionally bass, though they didn’t have one today. So far, there hadn’t been an instrument that Venti couldn’t play at a level equivalent to the greatest performers Capri had ever heard, and she suspected that would hold true whether Venti was given two sticks to bang together or a Stradivarius violin.

Still, even just playing a simple tune on the guitar and singing into the microphone, Venti captivated the audience. He sang everything from contemporary pop tunes he’d heard on the radio, to traditional German drinking songs, to those strange songs from a faraway land. And when Capri and Naomi played, they found themselves playing better than they ever had before in their lives, the music pouring out of their souls and into the hearts of their listeners.

Leon was, of course, ecstatic, as people started calling friends and telling them that they absolutely had to come to the Feisty Ferret that night to listen. Beer flowed and Francois had to call his boyfriend to come in to help cook. Gunter stayed at the door to keep watch, but so far no problems had presented themselves. Stuka and her ilk seemed to be laying low.

Around dinner time, there was a commotion outside while the band was warming up, and everyone looked up as Gunter blocked someone from entering.

“What do you mean, too young?! I’m an adult man, I’ve been in bars before. Look, here’s my ID. Check it, it’s legit!”

“I don’t recognize you,” Gunter’s voice growled. “We don’t need any trouble.”

“Hey, hey, it’s cool, it’s cool! No trouble, I promise. I’m a cool dude! And this looks like a happenin’ place to be! Come on, some friends told me to come here! This is the Feisty Ferret, right?” the voice was rather boisterous and all too familiar, and Capri sighed heavily.

“I can see the gun on your hip,” Gunter said, raising his voice. “You leave, or we have an issue.”

“Huh? Gun. OOOOOO! You mean this, it’s just-”

There was a slam and a shout, and several men at the bar jumped up to look outside as Leon reached for the rifle they kept (rather illegally) there.

Capri however hopped off the stage and beat them all out there, finding Gunter sitting dazedly on the ground as a tall, blond young man stood over him, looking abashed and raising his hands, a very odd massive silver pistol in one hand. He was dressed in a long red trenchcoat and had on a pair of red-tinted sunglasses, but Capri recognized the idiot anyway.

“Oh, sorry gramps! Uh, hitting me ain’t gonna work out for ya, sorry. But this? It’s not a real gun! It’s just a prop! It’s actually a nerf gun, see?” he pointed the gun at Gunter before anyone could move, and a bright red foam dart shot out and hit Gunter in the forehead, where it stuck thanks to the suction cup on the tip.

“Pretty cool, huh? My friend from Japan sent it to me as a birthday present. It’s for uh….um, I just think it’s cool, alright?” the Red Oni said, spinning the gun around his finger. It then immediately spun off and hit him in the forehead, causing him to wince. “Ah! Shoot, I thought I was getting better at that…here, let me give you a hand, gramps.”

He smiled and extended a hand to Gunter, who took it and let the younger man pull him to his feet. The Red Oni was a few centimeters taller than Gunter, though both were heavily muscled, with Gunter being a little broader across the shoulders.

“Gunter, you’re taken, don’t hog the new Bear!” a voice called.

“Bear? I’m not Russian,” the Red Oni said, frowning. He flexed. “This is pure, German engineering!” He smiled, then saw the frowns. “Uh, not like that! I just, you know, work out bro. But I’m not a hater!” Then he spied Capri. “Hey! It’s you from the other night! Is your cute friend here? The one with the braids and the green outfit?”

Capri rolled her eyes. “Yes, Venti’s here, Red.”

“Red?!” he said, squeaking slightly, but Gunter had relaxed.

“Ah, you’re Venti’s boyfriend, then?” he asked.

“Well, uh, we haven’t gone on a date or anything but I wouldn’t say no if they were willing,” Red Oni said, grinning broadly and showing off perfect teeth.

“In that case, you can come in. But put away the toy. Don’t need people getting ideas,” Gunter said. He turned to the burly men at the door. “Back inside boys, you can play with this one if you buy him a drink.”

Red leaned in close to Capri and whispered, “My name isn’t Red! Uh, you’re thinking of someone else! I’m Itul Armburst! Also, her name is Venti?”

Capri realized just what sort of mistake this moron was making, and decided to play along. Besides, Gunter clearly had let him in because he thought this idiot was gay, and there was no reason to spoil it.

“Yes, and if you buy them some drinks, I’m sure Venti will appreciate it,” Capri said with a wink.

“Ha-ha! I knew it! No one can resist the charm of Itul ‘The Casanova' Armburst!” he laughed, standing up straight and waving to Venti, who winked and blew him a kiss. “Heh heh! I’m gonna score tonight!”

“Oh, you won’t have to go home lonely, handsome,” one of the other men said, looking Itul up and down with interest.

“Haha, yeah, who goes home from a bar by themselves? Not me, that’s for sure. I’ve got loads of moxie and confidence, and I’ve been to dozens of bars before! Hey, what’s up, ladies?”

Itul winked at several of the girls (who were very much not interested in him) and some of the drag queens (who definitely were). They smiled and waved back, and Capri knew that Itul’s ship was well and thoroughly sunk when he let a man buy him a drink. This would be a night for learning.

She climbed back on the stage, looked to Venti, who nodded, and then to Naomi, who gave her two thumbs up. She took a deep breath, and leaned in close to the microphone. “Hey, we’re the Tone Deaf Bards, and we’re happy to be here for all you lovely people tonight. Now, are you ready to ROCK!?”

There was a rousing cheer, and Capri hit a power cord. They usually played poptunes at the Feisty Ferret, but tonight, Capri had something a little different in mind. She hit another power chord, and Naomi joined in on the drums, Venti following on the…bass? Wait, they hadn’t had one of those! It didn’t matter. She sang her heart out, and Venti and Naomi joined in on the chorus.

Here I am!

Rock you like a hurricane!

The crowd cheered happily, and Capri felt her spirit soar. They played on, song after song, and Capri forgot everything but the music.

Outside, Gunter was tapping his feet to the beat. He didn’t really like rock usually; he far preferred show tunes, though he refused to sing them when anyone but Leon could hear. They’d met at the theater, and opened the bar together fifteen years ago. Tonight felt like it had before Cologne, before the rise of the damn Neo-Nazis and the capes that backed them.

As he reminisced, shapes came out of the darkness, and Gunter gritted his teeth, putting a hand on his pistol. Then he saw who it was, and felt his heart sink. A gun wouldn’t help him here.

“Well, well. Look what we have here, boys,” Stuka’s voice purred, the Nazi bitch stepping into the pool of light cast by the bar’s sign. “We should have torn this place down long ago.”

There was cackling, and thugs with crowbars, knives, bats, and to Gunter’s horror, a gun or two stepped up. This was the end. Everything he and Leon had worked so hard to build, for so many years. Day and night, fighting to keep a safe haven for their community. Through the AIDS Epidemic, the collapse of the Soviet Union, and political instability, and now into the resurgence of these assholes.

They will attempt to chain you. To bind you. To muzzle your voice. But you will cry out for Freedom.

“You are not welcome here. This is my bar. Leave,” Gunter growled, shaking his head. Was that Venti’s voice? It couldn’t be. He could still hear the band playing.

“It is you who pollute the land with your deviant ways, untermensch,” Stuka sneered, pointing an accusatory finger at Gunter. “Too long have we tolerated this den of Jewry and perversion.”

Your burden will only grow heavier. You will continue to struggle, to fight for your Vision. But the Wind will bear you up.

“LEON!” Gunter roared, throwing the door shut behind him. “CALL THE POLICE! BAR THE DOOR!”

There was a gunshot, and Gunter drew as he dropped down to a crouching position. He aimed at Stuka, but jerked the gun away and swore. That was what she wanted.

You will remember those you lost, friends and loved ones blown away on the Wind. But your Ambition shall blow ever stronger.

Another bullet hit the wall behind Gunter, and he fired, but then had to dive away as more shots rang out. Two men began to beat Stuke with crowbars, but their blows thudded into her body as if into a heavy sand bag, and she raised her hands, laughing in delight. “We shall have our own Kristallnacht! Let the blood of these fools flow as we purge our city! The eyes of the Gesellschaft are upon us!”

“NO!” Gunter roared, surging forward, the wind wrapping itself around him, quickening his steps. “THIS LAND WAS FREE OF YOUR FILTH, AND WILL BE AGAIN!”

Let the Winds blow through you, Child of Freedom.

A gale wrapped itself around Gunter’s fist, and he drove it into Stuka’s astonished face. She went flying through the air, tossed half a block by the force. He roared his defiance, and the thugs screamed as winds whipped around him. Those that were not tossed away ran in terror.

Behind him, Venti played a note, and the bar suddenly calmed. He smiled. Perhaps this too could be his home.

Then a red cloaked shape crashed through the closed door behind Gunter, sending it flying off its hinges. “OH YEAH!”

Gunter turned to see Itul, wearing some sort of silly mask, standing behind him, panting, fists raised. “Where’s the bad guys!? I heard fighting? Oh shit, are you OK, gramps!? You’re bleeding!”

Gunter looked down, grimacing. There was a wet red stain in his side, and he could feel the pain now. He’d been shot as he charged. “I’ll live.” He put a hand to the wound and felt the Winds around him. He pulled them into him, and his injury knitted itself shut. He blinked. Well. That would be useful.

“Hey, neat trinket. Where’d you get it?” Itul asked, pointing to something Gunter was gripping in his hand.

He slowly relaxed his grip, and saw a small triangular prism, marked with the same winged symbol Venti had drawn on the side of the building. It was filled with a green light, and the winds swirled within. He closed his hand around it again. “It seems I’ll be staying after all.”

Germany still needed him. His people still needed him. And he had never been to run from the good fight.

Author’s Note:

Taste the rainbow fist of justice.

The Melancholy of Kazuma Sato, Epilogue 1

Epilogue 1: Meet the Suzimiyas

The light faded, and once more, Kazuma and Aqua found themselves in a dingy alley. In fact, unless Kazuma very much missed his guess, it was the exact same alley as before.

“Well this is just freaking fantastic,” Kazuma muttered, helping Aqua up out of the trash pile. “So we got sent back, again!?”

“I…I guess so,” Aqua said, hugging herself and looking around. She seemed somewhat dazed, and this time, she wasn’t in her goddess outfit. Instead, she was dressed in a tracksuit, one nearly identical to Kazuma’s save for the fact that it was blue and white instead of green and black.

“Well…it can’t be that bad,” Kazuma said, going over and pulling Aqua into a hug. “After all…I still have you. Right, bestest buddy?”

Aqua giggled, sniffing and returning Kazuma’s hug. “Yeah. As long as we’re together, we’ll be OK.”

She tilted her head up towards Kazuma, and their lips pressed together as they clung to one another. Everything else might be gone, but at least they had one another.

After a few moments, they paused for breath, both grinning like the idiots they were.

“You look hot in a tracksuit,” Kazuma said, running his hand over Aqua’s curves. “You should wear one more often.”

“It’s comfortable, maybe I will. But I think I like yours better,” Aqua teased.

They stood there for a few seconds until Kazuma remembered something, and a look of horror passed over his face. “Oh SHIT!”

“Huh? What?!” Aqua said, looking around wildly. “Is Vanir still here?!”

“No! You’re pregnant, and we’re both virgins!” Kazuma gasped, feeling utterly horrified.

Aqua looked at him a moment, then rolled her eyes. “That’s your problem? We can fix that.”

The horror faded, and an even dumber grin spread over Kazuma’s face. “Really? You mean it?”

“Well, duh. I’m not even a goddess anymore! Besides, um, I sorta do want to, you know…with you,” Aqua said, blushing mightily. She put a hand over her belly, frowning. “I don’t feel pregnant though…”

“How would you even know what that feels like?!” Kazuma demanded.

“Well, I don’t know! Icky and bloated, I guess! But I feel…I don’t know…tired? Weak? I…I’m not sure…” Aqua toyed with a lock of blonde hair, examining it and sniffing.

“Well, uh…blondes are hot too,” Kazuma said. Then winced. Would she think he was comparing her to Darkness?

Instead, Aqua perked out. “Well, let’s at least get out of the alleyway.”

They headed out to the street, which was once more different than what Kazuma remembered. Now though, he could tell this was the past. All the cars looked woefully out of date, and the clothes were also a far cry from what he could remember. What was the year, anyway? The 80s, or 90s? If it was, Kazuma probably wasn’t even born yet.

“Fuck me if I even know what to do,” Kazuma said, feeling tired and defeated already. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to think. “I guess we try to find day jobs or something…back to temp work just to survive. It’s not like a weird agency is going to scoop us up and give us an apartment again.”

“We’ll be OK,” Aqua said quietly, taking Kazuma’s hand and squeezing it as they watched the street, old cars and out-of-date fashion trends streaming by them.

They stood there for a moment until Kazuma heard the pounding of feet. “K-Kazuma! Aqua! There you are!”

They both turned, and both were astonished to see not one, but two Mikurus running towards them. One was older with glasses, the other the more familiar younger version. Both had absolutely hideous Totally Radical 90s clothing and hair, which actually made them stick out a bit from the rather more somber and practical clothing the rest of the people on the street wore.

“Mikuru? And, uh, also Mikuru?” Kazuma said, but Aqua ran past him and pulled both into a hug.

“I’m so glad to see you! Did you get sent back to the past by that stupid demon too?”

“U-um, no, I came back to find you,” Mini Mikuru explained.

“I remembered meeting myself in the past, so I did too,” Big Mikuru agreed. She beamed at them. “Don’t worry, we’re here to help!”

They led Kazuma and Aqua to a boring looking boxy old Nissan sedan in regular light blue paint parked on the side of the road and motioned them in.

“Don’t worry, I’ve taken care of everything,” Big Mikuru said as Kazuma and Aqua sat in the back seat. “I already took myself around, and we have everything.”

“Um, it’s right here,” Mikuru said, passing them back two large envelopes. Kazuma and Aqua opened theirs, finding several documents within. “Passports, birth certificates, driver's licenses, medical records, college degrees…”

“Kazuma Suzumiya. Well, I guess that makes sense,” Kazuma sighed. He glanced at his college transcript. “What?! Straight Bs?! I could do better than that!”

“You could,” Big Mikuru agreed.

“But would you?” Mini Mikuru asked, sighing.

Kazuma had to admit they had a point.

“I got As! Oh, and some Cs,” Aqua said, frowning. “Math is stupid anyway.”

“Mine’s in freaking Business. What’s yours?” Kazuma asked curiously.

“Graphic Design!” Aqua said happily, showing her transcript. “I won a bunch of awards!”

“Um, I took some of her drawings and doodles back in time and entered them into contests,” Mini Mikuru explained. “Or…I will. I think?”

“We’ll do it later,” Big Mikuru agreed.

“You’ll have to schedule yourselves some interviews, but your references are solid, don’t worry,” Big Mikuru said, looking into the rearview mirror as she drove through town.

“Hey, my passport is American! I’m not American!” Aqua protested.

“Well, you’re not Japanese, not with hair like THAT,” Kazuma said, tugging Aqua’s and making her gasp in outrage. “But don’t worry, you can be my exotic beauty.”

“Plus, you speak English, right?” Big Mikuru said.

“Well, I dunno. I used to speak all the languages since I was a goddess, but now I’m not sure,” Aqua said, looking embarrassed. She glanced at her passport. “Well, Thalia’s not so bad. My first job was being a Muse of the Arts anyway.”

“Hey, what year is it, anyway?” Kazuma asked, looking outside at the passing traffic. “It’s like the 80s or something, right?”

“January 8th, 1987,” Mikuru confirmed. “Um, your due date is October 20th, but, ah Haruhi will be born on October 8th.”

“Well shit, I won’t be born until 1996!” Kazuma said. Then he checked his passport. “Huh. I’m also 22 now. Guess I missed the last four years of my life.”

“We had to make some adjustments, but it should be fine,” Big Mikuru assured him.

Kazuma rifled through his folder a bit more, then hooted in delight. “Cash! Hmm, this is 10,000 yen! In 1987 money, that’s uh…”

“It’s a little more than 10,000 yen from 2003, or even 2012, but not that much more,” Big Mikuru told him.

“A debit card too, sweet! What’s on it?” Kazuma asked excitedly.

“We gave you 100,000 in the bank,” Mini Mikuru told him. “I-I hope that’s enough.”

“You could make it a million,” Kazuma said, batting his eyelashes.

“I found my cash!” Aqua said excitedly, dumping her envelope out. She rifled through it, then frowned. “Where’s my debit card?”

The Mikurus exchanged pained looks, but Kazuma put a hand on her shoulder. “Aqua, no offense…but I’m putting you on an allowance. Cash only.”

“What!? But that’s not fair! Why do you…” Aqua trailed off, then winced. “Emperor Zel?”

“Emperor Zel,” Kazuma agreed.

Aqua sighed, but put a hand to her belly. “Yeah…I guess…”

“And no bubbly,” Big Mikuru said.

“What?!” Aqua wailed. “NOOOOOOO!”

“You’re pregnant. No booze,” Kazuma said sternly. “I’m not making Haruhi any more brain-damaged than she already was.”

Aqua sniffled and cried, but ultimately agreed that was probably a good idea.

“Where are we going, anyway?” Kazuma asked as he stroked Aqua’s hair. She was leaning on his chest and pouting still.

“Your new home! And an old friend is waiting there!” Mini Mikuru said brightly.

“Oh? Did you bring someone?” Big Mikuru asked curiously.

“Uh-huh. Don’t you remember? It’s-”

“Hey, this is a nice neighborhood,” Kazuma said, sitting up. Aqua looked up as well, following his gaze.

“I like the houses!” she agreed. “Which one is ours?”

“This one,” Big Mikuru said, pulling into the driveway of a modest-looking house. It wasn’t huge, but it had a nice front garden and an expansive backyard. A perfect place to raise a family, and for a young goddess to get plenty of exercise.

As they got out of the car, a familiar face came out, waving at them. “Hey everyone! Guess who! It’s me, your Best Priestess-”

“CECILY!?” Big Mikuru gasped, her jaw dropping open. She turned to Mini Mikuru grabbing her and dragging her away despite her younger self’s protests.

“You’re GAY?!” Big Mikuru hissed, looking absolutely flabbergasted. She was trying to whisper, but failing spectacularly. Even from the end of the driveway, she was easy to hear.

“Um, hi, Cecily,” Aqua said, giving her ex-worshipper an awkward smile. “How’d you…?”

“Get here? Eris! Just a day trip though,” Cecily said brightly as the very awkward conversation between Mikurus continued.

“A-aren’t you?”

“That! That’s, uh, classified, I guess.”

“B-but I love Cecily! Don’t you?”

“Her?! She’s INSANE! What are you even DOING with her?! I took one look at her and ran the other way!”

“WHAT!? How can you even say that about Cecily!? She’s the best thing to ever happen to me, to us!”

“Look, I’m the older version, and trust me: that woman is bad news. If I have to be gay, fine. But at least have good taste! Move in with Yuki or something!”

“But Yuki’s with Kyon…”

“Wait, she is?! Oh…”

“Hold on, did you…?”

“That’s classified.”

“Hmph. Well, I’m staying with Cecily. I don’t think I want to be you after all if you can’t see how pure our love is.”

“Listen, me, you’re going to get your heart broken. Cecily is trouble.”

Kazuma turned to Cecily. “If you break her heart, I break your legs.”

“Mikuru is a nice girl!” Aqua agreed. “Don’t you dare pull your usual on her, Cecily!”

“What?! Me?! Pfff, I would never,” Cecily said, looking nervous and starting to sweat. “I, uh, I just-”

“Legs. Crowbar.” Kazuma repeated.

The two Mikurus returned, with the younger version looking rather angrier than she usually did, and the older one looking pale and slightly ill. Mini Mikuru marched right up to Cecily, and pulled her into a passionate kiss. Cecily’s eyes went wide, and she glanced first at Older Mikuru, then Kazuma and Aqua.

Kazuma mimed smacking something with a crowbar, Aqua smiled. “You look sweet together!”

Cecily shrugged, and closed her eyes and returned the kiss. Behind them, Big Mikuru let out a groan of pain. “I can’t believe I did this…”

When they parted,  Mini Mikuru was beaming with pride and joy, while Cecily smiled awkwardly. “See? It's true love!” Mini Mikuru proclaimed.

“Well…different timeplanes…I hope I’ll be happy,” Big Mikuru sighed. She held out the car keys to Kazuma. “These are yours…I have to go…”

She walked into the house, and when the others peered in moments later, Big Mikuru was gone.

“That was…weird. Wonder if we’ll see her again?” Kazuma mused.

“Well, she’s not your Mikuru, I am. So you’ll probably see me,” Mini Mikuru explained, holding on to Cecily’s hand tightly. “Now, we’re going back to our timeline. The house is furnished, and there’s food in the refrigerator and pantry for a week or two. Good luck!”

“Bye! Good luck!” Aqua said, waving as Mikuru and Cecily went into the closet together. Cecily turned her head, shrugged, and then made a very lewd gesture and winked.

“At least I know you’ll always have nice tits!” she laughed as she went into the closet and slid the door shut.

“C-Cecily!”

“Don’t worry, I won’t love you just for your body.”

“A-aa! Ohhh….um, let’s wait until we get back to our time…”

After that, there was silence, and when Kazuma opened the closet, both women were gone.

“So, uh, it’s just us,” Kazuma said, looking around the house. Aqua came and stood next to him, taking his hand as they looked at their home. It was rather nice, if blandly decorated. There was furniture and appliances, even some pictures hung on the walls of Kazuma and Aqua as children, or together at a wedding that had never happened.

“It is,” Aqua agreed, squeezing Kazuma’s hand. “So, want to make sure I’m pregnant?”

“I…yeah. You know what? Yeah! Let’s do this!” Kazuma agreed, and pulled Aqua into another kiss. As it turned out, Aqua wasn’t wearing any underwear under the tracksuit, and neither was Kazuma. Neither of them minded, though purchasing underwear ended up being the first thing they did when they realized they didn’t have any clothes that evening.

They spent the next week lazing around the house, not doing much. They had enough savings in the bank to last them a little while at least, and they owned the house straight up, so their expenses weren’t that much.

Indeed, they were both lazing around in their tracksuits, watching TV and eating convenience store food, when a knock came at the door.

“Did you order delivery or something?” Kazuma asked, frowning down at Aqua, who had her head in his lap.

“No. It’s probably just a salesman or something,” Aqua said, stuffing another handful of chips into her mouth.

“Huh.” They sat there for a few more seconds until another knock came.

“Persistent, ain’t they?” Kazuma mused.

“If we ignore it, maybe they’ll go away,” Aqua said with a shrug.

Then the door swung open.

“See?” a voice Kazuma didn’t recognize said. “I told you it wouldn’t be locked! Put away those lockpicks before someone sees!”

“I was perfectly prepared,” another voice said.

“Rista!” Aqua cried, jumping up in excitement, and running for the door.

Kazuma frowned and stood to see a foreign-looking woman with brown hair in a cute and fashionable (for the 80s) outfit in the entryway, along with a stone-faced Japanese man who was the tallest native son that Kazuma had ever seen.

He didn’t like the bastard already.

The two women hugged happily, both of them crying for reasons that escaped the men.

“I’m so glad to see you, Rista! I thought we were alone,” Aqua sniffled, squeezing the other ex-goddess tightly.

“It’s Tiana now, actually. In some ways, it always was,” the other woman said, sniffing and holding onto Aqua like she was her life line.

Kazuma and the man exchanged looks. Neither of them seemed to like what they saw.

“Kazuma. But I guess you knew that, seeing as you were breaking into my house.”

“Seiya. I was merely prepared for every contingency,” Seiya stated firmly. The bastard looked like it too. He had a fanny pack that was stuffed with all sorts of things, as well as holding a water bottle and a shape under the jacket that Kazuma knew was a gun.

“Come in, come in, both of you!” Aqua said happily, pointing to the dining room table. The room was actually fairly clean, mostly because as a Goddess of Water purity and cleanliness were something Aqua enjoyed. Though she did bully Kazuma into doing more chores than he liked.

They sat down, and Kazuma retrieved a few sodas from the fridge. He glared at Seiya, but placed one in front of him. He was, unfortunately, also a teetotaler, as Kazuma was worried if he bought a beer or something Aqua would drink it and he didn’t know enough about pregnancy to know if that could screw up the timeline or something.

“Our place is just across town. I started at the hospital last week! How about you, how are your new jobs?” Tiana asked Aqua brightly.

“Uh, what jobs?” Aqua asked, blinking. “We still have the money Mikuru gave us.”

“What!? How could you…” Tianta trailed off, looking mortified, but Seiya nailed Kazuma to the floor with his death glare.

“How could you not provide for your wife and child?” Seiya growled.

“Hey! I have interviews lined up, I got gigs!” Kazuma snarled. “We’re fine, thank you very much!”

Kazuma, in fact, did not have any interviews lined up, or anything else. The only money he’d made was the 100 yen coin he’d found in the vending machine the other day.

“Well, I have some connections at the hospital. People who, um, know about us, about our history,” Tiana said, gesturing to herself and Seiya. “They’re looking for troubleshooters. Maybe you could try that?”

“He’s no hero. He’s not even prepared to fight off any intruders,” Seiya said derisively. “This house is hardly secured.”

Tiana sighed. “You don’t need to set traps everywhere to have a safe home. I told you: the security system you installed is plenty.”

“I have detect enemy active,” Kazuma said, tapping his head. “If you were an enemy…” He shot an arm toward Seiya. “Bind!”

Ropes flew from Kazuma’s sleeve, darting towards Seiya and attempting to wrap him up. However, several of Seiya’s own ropes flew out and caught Kazuma’s in mid-air, twirling around them and then continuing towards Kazuma. His chair clattered back, and Kazuma found himself lying on the ground, bound hand and foot.

“...perfectly prepared,” Seiya said smugly.

That sealed it. Kazuma definitely hated the bastard. Unfortunately, Aqua and Tiana were bound at the hip now, and absolutely were best friends. They came over once a week. Kazuma tried to get one over on Seiya, and failed. Every. Single. Time.

Still, he did get off his ass and find a job, along with Aqua. It was, infuriatingly enough, a desk job for a party supply company. He sold everything from greeting cards to party favors and hated it. Still, the pay wasn’t bad, and the job wasn’t super hard, mostly because of his other job.

There were plenty of assholes around, and some of them had powers. Espers, aliens, and time travelers weren't even half of it. There were weird monsters and mad scientists, and all of them wanted to take over the world or destroy it or some nonsense. He got an in from someone Aqua called an “old friend,” one Subaru Natsuki who had his own blue-haired wife he’d met in another world. He was a rich asshole though, and he and Kazuma never got along.

Still, Kazuma got sent on missions to deal with the monster of the week, and all of them thought some desk jockey was no match for their power. None of them, however, had ever had to defeat a Devil King. Twice, even. Except Seiya. That bastard. Even if he was Haruhi’s godfather.

Speaking of Haruhi, she was, in fact, born nine months after Kazuma and Aqua’s arrival in the totally tubular 80s, on October 8th, 1987. Aqua’s pregnancy had been uncomfortable and she had cried about it “making her fat,” but Kazuma had thought she’d grown hotter every day, and they had definitely done enough to make several dozen more babies if things had worked that way.

For a while, Kazuma had been nervous. Was Haruhi really his kid? Would he even love her? Would he just see that bratty teenage girl he’d spent a few weeks with?

And then, still slightly slimy, Kazuma had held Haruhi for the first time. Aqua was exhausted and a hot mess, though the doctors claimed it had been a quick and easy delivery, especially for a first child. But she smiled at Kazuma, and he held their daughter for the first time. Haruhi wailed loudly, proving she had a set of lungs on her, even fresh out of the womb.

Kazuma didn’t see a goddess, or a teenager, or some weird miracle. He saw his daughter, and it was love at first sight. He kissed her gently on the forehead, and made himself a promise: His Haruhi wouldn’t go through the same nonsense that he’d experienced in the past.

After that, life continued as usual. Kazuma would go to the same boring desk job, kill the occasional zombie or interdimensional terror, then go home to his wife, who was also looking after Tiana and Seiya’s little girl, who had been born a few days after Haruhi had. Aqua bounced back fast, but the doctors informed them that something had happened, and she wouldn’t be able to conceive again. They were both devastated, but resolved to continue on as best they could.

Aqua got a job at the same party favor company two years after Haruhi was born, and though it pained her to have to leave Haruhi at a child care center, she really enjoyed her work, and was damn good at it. Occasionally, she and Kazuma had business trips together. Sometimes, it was to a convention center in Vegas for a yearly party favor expo. Sometimes there was a vampire there Aqua had to cleanse, or a giant frog monster that nearly ate her and Kazuma had to kill. It was like reliving old times.

Life was, actually, pretty good. Even if Kazuma did start going bald before he even hit 30. Haruhi was growing up strong and smart, a talented athlete, artist, musician, and just generally was the cutest and most wonderful daughter in the world. They went on fun trips and vacations, with or without monsters to slay, and life was generally good. Kazuma found he had to call Aqua by the name Thalia, save for some quiet nights when the two of them were alone in bed. There WAS a weird geass on them, but they resolved to fight it.

Kazuma even stooped so low as to involve Seiya and Subaru in their pact to Keep Weird Things Away from Their Daughters. They were working on the name. Haruhi should be able to make her own choices, dammit. Screw destiny! She was Kazuma’s little girl!

The only minor blemish on his life was that he did miss Megumin and Darkness, as well as Iris, Wiz, and all the other people he’d met in Belzerg. Even though he had a wonderful house and family, and a job that was… tolerable, Japan just didn’t feel like home.

And then, Haruhi hit middle school, and the weirdness started. She and Kiriko had a dust-up, and somehow, Kiriko wanted to be called Sasaki. Kazuma spotted Yuki Nagato, but he found he couldn’t speak to her even if he’d wanted to.

Things played out much the same as they had before. It was a little different than Kazuma remembered. There was the madness of the SOS Brigade, and Haruhi and her friends ran around causing problems that Kazuma (or Seiya, damn him) had to solve or cover for. In the end, they all got turned into robots for a few days until the other Aqua and Mikuru solved the problem. It was weird, being a robot, but Kazuma sort of liked that his joints didn’t ache so much. He missed the sex though.

Then, they got turned back, and more nonsense happened until Darkness showed up again. It was a tearful reunion: It had been years for both of them. Finally, things just started to feel right again. Kazuma tried to stop Haruhi from ending up in Belzerg, but, well…that didn’t work out. When his little girl came back…she was all grown up again.

He woke up, remembering the frantic fight against the Data Overmind and Sky Canopy dominion, and looked at Aqua lying in the bed next to him. They had barely sat up before Haruhi pounded into their room, eyes wild.

“Mom, dad!? Do you remember-”

“Well, I guess you did manage to save the world, Princess,” Kazuma laughed, getting up with Aqua and pulling Haruhi into a hug.

“We missed you,” Aqua said, squeezing their daughter tightly. “How was Belzerg?”

“It was fun! I had a great time! I defeated the Devil Queen, and got to level 62! But Megumin was still ahead of me! Hey, what level are you guys?”

“...15,” Kazuma muttered. Stupid level drain.

“I was 56, but I suppose my stats are lower now,” Aqua sighed.

Just then, there was a ring at the doorbell.

“What the hell, It’s too early for this,” Kazuma muttered, pulling on a pair of pants over his boxers. Haruhi realized she was in her PJs, and her parents were barely dressed, and went bright red, trying to cover herself before scrambling back to her room. Kazuma rolled his eyes. Once you’d changed someone’s diaper or had to take care of them when they were puking all over themselves and shower them off, seeing them in their underwear wasn’t exactly embarrassing or novel.

Well, unless they were Aqua. Kazuma swatted her rear while she was pulling on her own pants, earning a squawk from her. “Still sexy,” he teased.

At the door, they found an old friend.

“Eris!” Aqua cried, jumping out to hug their old friend, though she looked more like Chris at the moment. “It’s so good to see you again!”

“You too! We missed you both.”

“We?” Kazuma looked around, then heard a dark chuckle.

“Did you think you would be rid of me so easily, Kazuma? Behold! I have learned how to tear apart the veil of space and time, and have come here to-”

“Ugh, Megumin, it’s too early. Just give me the donuts,” Komekko whined, coming around the corner with Megumin, who was carrying a box of donuts in her hands. Darkness was with them, who waved cheerily to Kazuma.

He found tears in his eyes and ran forward to scoop both his old friends up in a hug. They returned in, and a moment later, Aqua joined them.

“I missed you,” Kazuma said, his voice raspy. “But I guess…is this one last goodbye?”

“Not so much,” Chris said. “Why don’t we have breakfast and talk about it?”

They all went to the breakfast table, Megumin passing out donuts while Darkness set cups of coffee down. Komekko ended up eating an entire dozen herself. Kazuma had sort of forgotten how she could make food disappear.

“I’ll get straight to the point. Belzerg is still a mess, and I’m going to be really busy for the next year or so,” Chris said with a sigh. “So, I figured I’d come by and try to recruit you.”

“I thought you couldn’t travel between dimensions,” Haruhi said suspiciously.

Chris beamed at her. “I couldn’t! Until I became Chief Goddess, that is!”

“What?! I thought that was me!” Haruhi protested, looking offended.

“Eh, maybe someday! But now, I’m the senior! And you’re in training. Don’t worry, I’ll be putting you to work straight away goddessing too,” Chris assured her.

“Yes,” Haruhi said, pumping her fist in delight. “Can I still fight monsters?”

“No,” Aqua said around a mouthful of donut. “It’s mostly paperwork and judging souls.”

“What!? Seriously!? But I have some super amazing powers!” Haruhi whined.

“It’s up to mortals to defend the world,” Chris said, nodding to Megumin and Darkness.

“Yes. I will be returning to Belzerg, to be the Realm’s Shield once more,” Darkness agreed.

“And I shall return, to once more strike fear into the heart of evil!” Megumin cackled. Then she sobered. “But…our party lacks a healer. And, as Queen Iris says, ‘a skill monkey.’”

“You mean it?! We can go back?” Kazuma said, turning to face Chris.

“Yep. A one time immigration offer! It’s permanent though, so think-”

“YES!” Kazuma and Aqua said in unison, wide grins on their faces. They took each other’s hands and smiled. It was almost everything they had ever wanted.

“Super! Oh, and now that the situation is resolved, you can have more kids! Also a special deal,” Chris told them. “Belzerg needs repopulating.”

“A little brother? I suppose that wouldn’t be too bad,” Haruhi mused. “So when do we go?”

“No ‘we’ missy. You’re staying here with Aunty Chris! You have to graduate high school first,” Chris told Haruhi.

“What?! But that’s super lame! And what about mom and dad?! You’ll just abandon me?” Haruhi put on her best puppy dog face, and Kazuma nearly relented until Aqua elbowed him.

“It’s not goodbye forever. Plenty of kids do their senior year of high school living on their own. We’ll send letters,” Aqua promised.

“Ugh. Fine.” Haruhi suddenly brightened. “That means I have a whole year to spread the SOS Brigade around Japan, and plan new events! I’ll text Kyon!”

Kazuma sighed, and shook his head as Haruhi ran off, Komekko following, more because she was out of donuts than anything else. He looked to Megumin and Darkness, and they smiled at him.

“Well. I guess the party’s back together.”

Aqua brought over a bottle of bubbly, and the good old days came back. They were going home.

The Second Archon War, Carmen Dei 3

Beta’d and edited by Yae Miko, Philosophysics, Arcahm Wynter, and the Grand Cogitator

With only two days until Wednesday night and the Tone Deaf Bards’ debut, Naomi had to put her foot down. She was nervous about it, still rather uncertain of just how she should react to Venti. She decided to just pretend he wasn’t an angel, or worse actually a demon, and act like he was just a friend she had just met and who needed a little help.

“Venti, no offense, but… your clothes,” Naomi motioned to Venti’s ensemble. “They need some help…”

“I did notice I stick out like a lawacurl at the Windbloom feast,” Venti admitted, giving Naomi a lopsided grin. “While I am fond of these clothes, I suppose I could do with a new outfit.”

“We don’t have that much money, but I, ah, I think we can scrape together enough for something that will work for our performance,” Naomi said, wincing at the thought of her and Capri’s budget. The life of a couple of wandering musicians didn’t exactly result in an overabundance of funding.

Which was one reason she avoided talking with her mother. Aside from the fact that her mother refused to speak with her until she “got over this silly phase with girls,” there was the whole issue of all that expensive schooling she had that her mother claimed Naomi wasn’t using.

Well, she was, it was just that she’d taken her theater and dance training in a very different direction. Besides, she’d always enjoyed playing the drums, and now she could play as much as she wanted to.

“Will those marks those thugs thoughtfully donated to us help?” Venti asked curiously. “In Mondstadt, you can usually expect to pay a month's wages for a decent outfit.”

“Uh, I think maybe things are cheaper here. It’ll cost a couple hundred marks to get you a few sets of clothes of good quality, but that’s buying everything from shoes and underwear to jackets and pants,” Naomi said, glancing to Capri for confirmation..

“Hey, we can just get him some secondhand stuff for half the price,” Capri said. Naomi was grateful she left out the part about “not all of us grew up rich.” She’d stopped with the rich jokes after Naomi had told her how much that hurt her a year or so ago. Sometimes she did miss having a home and nice things, but then Capri would touch her, and she was glad she’d run away with her all over again.

“Most of them can be secondhand,” Naomi allowed. “But we need at least one nice outfit for performances.” It would have been better to have a new outfit for each night they performed, but Venti hadn’t stolen that much from those jerks.

“A shopping trip? That does sound interesting! Though you say it doesn’t cost as much to get new clothing? These cost me quite a bit of mora, though I think a mark is perhaps worth more than a mora,” Venti said, pulling out some bills and unfolding them. “We’re getting paid 150 marks a night to perform?”

“Yeah, and in a three-way split that actually isn’t a lot,” Capri sighed. “Most of the time we work the day shift doing odd jobs. We called out today, which won’t do us any favors. But, uh, well, things change…”

“Usually, I can make between eighty and one hundred marks on a normal day,” Naomi agreed. “I usually can find a day job at the local synagogue, sometimes as a waitress or clerk, other times as a painter or even a fruit picker.”

“I work as a short order cook, usually. I’ve traveled enough that I know enough people who can appreciate my skills. It was here in Munich that I ran away the first time, and old Ziggler taught me,” Capri said with a shrug.

“So, you’re not full-time musicians?” Venti asked, nodding to the instruments in the back of the van. They were sitting around outside it, enjoying the evening air with some takeout. They’d gotten plenty of tips thanks to Venti’s performance at the dinner that morning and thus were having a little treat.

“I wish,” Capri said with a snort. “It’s hard enough for a gypsy and a Jewess to get gig jobs at venues in good times. Throw in the fact that we move around a lot and the current crop of assholes, and of course the damn capes running around…”

“But with your help, I’m sure our next performance will be a smash hit!” Naomi said happily, standing up. “Come on, the stores will be open for a few more hours.”

It wasn’t that far to some decent secondhand stores, where Naomi busied herself selecting outfits for Venti and Capri browsed around, earning herself glares from the shopkeeper. That always irritated Naomi, but Capri just ignored it. Venti seemed to notice but didn’t say anything, sticking with Naomi as she picked out clothes.

“You’re on the short side, so I’m afraid there isn’t much selection. You’d almost fit better into women’s clothing,” Naomi said with a sigh, holding up a pair of women’s jeans that would probably fit Venti.

“Those do look like they’d fit me,” Venti said, taking the pants and holding them to his waist. “I can always adjust my form if I have to.”

“You…can make yourself taller?” Naomi asked, wondering just what sort of powers an angel had. She’d seen capes before, even one that had some mild mind control powers, but the sense of awe and power that Venti had briefly radiated hadn’t been anything like a parahuman.

“And a few other things,” Venti said, taking the clothes they’d selected. “I’ll just try these on.”

He headed for the changing rooms, leaving behind Naomi. She shot a look to Capri who was a few rows down, but Capri just shrugged. It wasn’t like they didn’t know men who preferred women’s clothing, and it certainly wouldn’t stick out at the Feisty Ferret.

“Sir, these are the women’s changing rooms,” an attendant told Venti. She pointed across the store. “The men’s are over there.”

“Really? Could I try on those clothes behind you?” Venti asked, pointing behind the attendant.

She frowned, turning to see several skirts ready to be re-shelved behind her. Venti’s form rippled slightly when she did so, a faint breeze whipping the clothes around him. Or…her? Naomi blinked rapidly, and Venti turned to her, putting a finger to…her lips? Oh dear.

“Uh, I suppose you could try on these skirts sir, but…” the woman turned back and blinked. Venit now had hips and a bust. Not terribly pronounced, but still obviously feminine. “Oh! I do apologize, um, ma’am, I, er-”

“Well, I’ll take the skirt and just be in the women’s changing room,” Venti said lightly, snatching a green skirt from the rack and heading into the changing room.

“Did…did you know Venti could do that?” Naomi whispered to Capri, leaning over a clothing rack.

“Hey, you’re the religious one! Can angels or whatever shapeshift?” Capri hissed back.

“Um, well, they’re usually called the Sons of God, but…I think I really need to talk to Rabbi Goldstein now,” Naomi said faintly. She hadn’t exactly slacked off during her religious studies, but she was realizing quickly that there was a lot she didn’t know. Maybe all that time reading kabbalah instead of the torah hadn’t been such a good idea after all.

Venti came out a few minutes later, now back in a more masculine form, but wearing the women’s jeans with a white and green striped long-sleeve shirt. “Well, what do you think? I rather like this style of trousers. What’s the fabric? It seems rather sturdy.”

“It’s denim. That does look good on you, um, Venti, turn for me? Hmm, baggier jeans are in style but they do look good on you I suppose…”

“I do look rather dapper, don’t you think?” Venti giggled. “I-” He suddenly trailed off, then grabbed Capri and Naomi and dragged them both to the ground.

A moment later, someone flew through the glass windows at the front of the store, prompting screams and shouts from the patrons and clerks.

The one who’d been thrown stood up, brushing themselves off. They were a tall, muscular man in a cape outfit that left their chest bare with only red ropes running over their chest, and torn and bloody baggy pants. A demonic red mask with large fangs covered their face and gave them an intimidating air. However, that was ruined when the man spoke. “It’s cool, it’s cool folks! Sorry about the mess, not my fault! But never fear! The One and Oni hero of the Meisters is here to-”

A massive club with thorny spikes on it flew out of the night and slammed into the man’s chest, making him grunt. “Ow! Uh, well, thanks for throwing me my club! Now, if you lovely citizens could please evacuate before me and my compadre trash the place while we settle our differences, that’d be super.”

“Let’s go!” Naomi hissed, pointing to a back exit, where several others were already scrambling or crawling towards. “Cape fight!”

Venti, however, had already popped up. Somehow, he was back in his original regalia, and holding the harp they’d left back at the van, though he also had on a domino mask of all things. “Good evening my good sir, I do have to wonder if you normally do this sort of thing. Be thou a villain, here to accost the gentle citizenry?”

“What? No, man, you’ve got it all wrong!” the cape said, picking up the club and waving it around like it weighed nothing. “Dammit, it’s the mask, isn’t it? I know it’s the mask. Ah man, I thought it would look so sick, you know? Big scary demon guy, but one with a heart of gold here to-”

Another object flew out of the night to slam into him. It was apparently a mailbox, as letters exploded from it, scattering papers around to flutter everywhere.

“Ah man, I’d really love to talk and all, but I gotta deal with this real quick. I’ll work on the mask, don’t worry. Catch ya later! IT’S CLOBBERIN’ TIME!” the masked man cried, and leapt forward, swinging his club as hard as he could.

“Come on, now’s our chance,” Naomi urged, but Capri had stood up to stand next to Venti, and neither of them were going anywhere.

“Hmm, hold on, he’ll be back in a moment,” Venti said, frowning. “Those are some really weird visions though. One of them almost seems to have an Anemo Vision, but our friend, ah, never mind, here he comes.”

“aaaaaAAAAAAAA!”

The man flew in through a previously unshattered window, landing with a mighty crash amongst the racks of clothing. Fortunately, everyone else had listened to his warning to evacuate, and his dramatic re-entrance didn’t cause any injuries.

“It’s clobbering time?” Capri asked, frowning at where the man was struggling to his feet. “You ripped that off a comic book, didn’t you?”

“What?” the man jerked his head around, waving his hands in a negative. “No, no, no, I promise, totally original! I just, you see, I’m the Red ‘Takes a Hit and Keeps on Truckin’ Oni! And I got a club, for hitting things. I’m still working on a motto, you see, and-”

“Duck,” Venti advised.

“Huh? No, duck isn’t a slogan it’s-”

A garbage can flew through the broken window and wrapped itself around the cape's head. This didn’t seem to bother him overly much, as he peeled it off and tossed it aside without breaking stride.

“Ooooooh! You meant like, I should duck. Got it. I feel you, I feel you. Uh, anyway, you folks really should evacuate and stuff, so I can finish this battle.”

“Are you Japanese? I recognize the mask and name,” Naomi asked, feeling her pulse race slightly. They really should evacuate, but Venti seemed so calm and in control.

“J-Japanese? Uh, I dunno what you’re talking about! Nope, I’m just a-”

“Duck,” Venti said, pulling Capri and Naomi down.

“I’m not a duck! I’m an oni! Seriously man, keep up with-”

This time, a sedan flew through the wall, horn blaring, and landed on top of the Red Oni.

“Oh, I get it,” Red Oni said, his voice muffled, echoing slightly from under the car. “Duck. You meant like, I should duck.”

“I think I like him!” Venti said brightly. “Now, who’s the one who keeps throwing things and/or people through walls?”

The car shuddered, then was heaved aside as Red Oni stood up, dusting himself off. His mask was cracked and he had a few small cuts and bruises on his body, but he seemed mostly unharmed despite that. For a cape that Naomi had never heard of, he seemed to be rather durable.

“Right, sorry, forgot, I’m sorta in the middle of something. Be back in a minute,” the Red Oni said, turning around. “Oh. Shit.”

A tall figure floated into the shop, and made Naomi’s blood positively boil as beside her Capri let out a snarl. Both of them reached for one at the same time, as fear kindled in both their hearts.

The newcomer was obviously a cape, floating half a meter above the ground. Several objects floated around her, including the Red Oni’s club. She was dressed in the uniform of a World War II Luftwaffe officer, though her shoes had six inch heels on them in a fit of impracticality. Not that it mattered so much if she floated everywhere. Her, Naomi recognized. Stuka, a cape with some form of telekinesis who had been active in Munich for nearly a year.

“Well, untermensch, you were amusing for a short time, but I grow weary of this. I think I shall end this,” the floating woman said. A long metal pole that still had a handicapped parking sign on it oriented itself toward the Red Oni, causing him to fall into a fighting stance.

“Question!” Venti said, raising his hand. “Are you a nazi?”

“You know dude, duddette? Eh whatever. We haven’t known each other very long, but asking me that really hurts,” the Red Oni said, hand over his heart. “How could you- Oh wait, you mean her, right?”

Stuka looked at Venti, her expression turning into a sneer. “Do you not recognize me, fool? Yes, I am a member of the master race, here to purge the Fatherland of-”

A massive bow appeared in Venti’s hands and a green arrow made of pure wind roared at Stuka, catching her in a whirling mini tornado.

“Oh good! I figured I should ask before I shot you. Didn’t want to make any mistakes,” Venti said cheerfully.

“Oh shit!” Capri gasped, and she and Naomi both dove for the floor.

“Hey, nice one, uh, man. Ma’am? Whatever, good job!” Red Oni said, giving Venti a thumbs up.

Venti, however, was crouched down by Capri and Naomi. “What? Do you know something?”

“Stuka’s pretty well known. She’s not dangerous unless you try to hurt her!” Naomi hissed. “Her powers won’t activate unless-”

The handicap sign rocketed through where Venti’s head had been a moment before, impaling itself in the wall behind them.

“-unless you hit her,” Capri finished. “But it looks like some idiot already picked a fight with her and tried to hurt her.”

“Hey! Who are you callin’ an idiot?!” the Red Oni demanded. “She’s a bad guy! You know, in the SS get up and stuff? That’s totally evil!”

“Fool,” Stuka laughed, her voice distorted by the winds still whipping around her. “This isn’t an SS uniform, it’s the Luftwaffe formal officer’s uniform, circa 1941!”

“Oh. Uh, it’s just an air force uniform?” Red Oni asked, clearly confused.

“It’s a nazi uniform, just a different stripe!” Capri snarled at Red Oni. She grabbed Venti, and pulled him close to hiss into his ear. “Look, I know you're super powerful and stuff, but maybe this is one fight we should skip! That moron has supercharged Stuka!”

The wind died down, revealing a Stuka who was now hovering even higher in the air, a mad grin on her face. “Well, thank you for the little power-up, but now I-”

“GERONIMO!” Red Oni roared and tackled Stuka right back into the street.

“...that’s going to go very badly for him,” Naomi said, wincing. The big cape seemed to have his heart in the right place, but clearly, brains were not his strong point.

Indeed, cries of pain and distress were coming from the outdoors, along with for some reason, the yowl of an irritated cat.

“Well, I can’t just leave such a brave soul to his demise! Don’t worry, this won’t take long!”

“But if you attack her, she’ll just get stronger!” Capri protested, scrambling after Venti.

Despite her instincts screaming that this was a Bad Idea, Naomi followed, trying not to step on all the broken glass that littered the shop and failing, though none of it bit through her sneakers. When she caught up with Capri, they both watched as Stuka was hovering over the Red Oni, who was pressed into the concrete of the sidewalk. The streets were deserted now, though sirens could be heard in the distance.

“Fool. You think you can stop the harbinger of the Fourth Reich?” the Red Oni’s mask snapped, revealing a blond-haired, blue-eyed face that was nearly perfect, with a strong jaw and handsome features. “You should be one of us, not fighting against members of your own race.”

“Hey, The Red Oni is a member of the HUMAN race, and I’m a good guy, thank you very much!” he grunted, flexing his muscles, though the force that was keeping him down prevented him from lifting them very far. “Besides, what if I told you I was Jewish or something?”

“Then I would be forced toooooooOOOOOOOoooooo-”

Stuka was suddenly launched into the air by a gust of wind, flying off high into the sky as a perplexed Red Oni watched. He flexed his admittedly impressive biceps, looking confused. “Did I do that? I must have done that. Ha ha! Good prevails!”

“Very impressive showing,” Venti said, clapping slowly as he walked over to kneel by the cape still stuck in the concrete. “But I have to wonder, maybe you’re going about this wrong?”

“What? I mean, she’s a Nazi!  How can you not punch Nazis! That’s what my granny taught me, and Granny Oni ain’t no fool!” the Red Oni said, grunting as he pried himself out.

“A laudable goal I’m sure, but since her abilities seem to revolve around some sort of energy storage and reversal, perhaps direct conflict isn’t the right way to go about this?” Venti suggested.

“Ah, no no no no no, you’re trying to trick me!” the Red Oni said, standing up. He assumed a wide stance, rolling his neck muscles and stomping, which caused the ground to shake and the pavement to crack further from the force. “And Granny Oni didn’t raise no fool! It’s like what Raiden would do! If you see a problem, you punch it! And if you get knocked back down, you get back up, and keep on fighting! My superior abilities have once again saved the day! Or, uh, for the first time. Since, you know, this is my first time doing the whole ‘hero’ thing.”

“Sorry just a second,” Venti said, as Stuka’s scream slowly became audible again. Naomi had to admit, it did sound a bit like the infamous horn on the old dive bomber. However, before Stuka hit the ground, another gust of air sent her rocketing back up into the dark night sky. “There we go! Where was I? Yes, you do seem the heroic sort, however, there seems to have been a bit of destruction in your little fight. Don’t you think the authorities might have some problems with that?”

“Eh, capes get into fights, it’s what we do! I’m sure it’ll be fine. Besides, that’s why I wear my mask, so they can’t identify me!” the Red Oni said, grinning broadly at Venti.

Capri let out a groan and put her head in her hands, while Naomi stepped forward. “Ah, Mr. Oni? Your mask, ah…”

“Pretty cool, right?! I got it imported and everything!” he beamed at her, clearly unaware of the fact that his broken mask was lying in pieces behind him.

Naomi raised her hand and touched her nose, then rubbed it. “You, ah…”

“What? Do I have something on my face?” Red Oni said, touching his own nose and rubbing it. “I…oh. Oooooooh. Huh. Well…um, I just remembered somewhere I have to be before the cops arrive. We, uh, we’ve had some…disagreements? Anyway, they know me from before so, uh…later!”

Venti reached out and caught the Red Oni’s arm before he could run off. “Just a moment. We’re holding a performance at the Feisty Ferret soon, and looking for individuals who would like to put a stop to the nonsense Miss Stuka and her friends have been spreading. Why don’t you join us on Wednesday night to talk?”

“A band? Yeah, that sounds chill! I, uh, I was sort of lying about being with the Meisters before. You seem like a chill dude, pretty cool, pretty cool. If you’re capes, we should totally join up! I’ll be there; you can count on it!”

“It’s a date,” Venti said happily, waving farewell. The Red Oni leapt up into the air, landing on the roof of a building. Then sliding down the other side and landing with a loud crash, and another yowl from a cat.

“It’s cool! I’m OK! Damn, gotta work on the landings…”

Venti chuckled and shook his head, then held out a hand as another scream echoed through the night. Stuka landed on a cushion of air that slowed her fall, preventing serious injury. She was pale and out of breath, looking rather frightened.

“I…hmph! Well, you cannot hope to stop me now! You are an enemy of the Reich, and-”

“Party at the Feisty Ferret! Wednesday Night! Be there, or be square!” Venti said, slapping a flier into her hands. Naomi blinked. When had they gotten fliers?

“What!? Why would I go to that filthy den of perversion and…”

Stuka’s lips continued to move, but no words came out. She started to turn red, floating up into the air, only to stagger back down. She shook her fist, pounding it on Venti’s chest, but no sound came from her.

“I’ve seen abilities like yours before,” Venti mused, plucking a few cords on his harp. “Very dangerous if you continue to hit someone. Regina, the Goddess of Revenge, could devastate armies with her powers, after she’d absorbed enough punishment. But, well, funny thing about revenge…”

Stuka slumped to the ground, her lips turning blue. Her chest was heaving, but no air seemed to be going into her lungs. Then, she lay down, and passed out. Naomi wondered if the villain was dead.

“If you break the cycle, there’s no more revenge to be had!” Venti knelt, putting a hand over Stuka’s lips. “Well, she’s still breathing. Now, let us be off before the guards, no, police? Yes, police arrive!”

“That sounds like a good idea,” Naomi agreed, but Venti dashed back into the store, and she and Capri followed.

“There’s a bit of a hold-up, somehow all the street signs blew the wrong way,” Venti commented, picking up the clothes he’d dropped earlier. He tossed a few marks toward the register, and they landed neatly atop it. “That covers our bill I think! And now, away with the wind! The night is yet young!”

“You’re crazy,” Capri laughed, but she followed Venti out the back.

Naomi giggled as well, following after. But she had to wonder:

If there were going to be cape fights like these, what good was she even going to be?

Kenichi sat on the cold stone floor of the courtyard under the crackling blossoms of the Thunder Sakura tree. He sipped at his morning tea, feeling at peace with the world. He was dressed in the full jōe robes of a Shinto Priest, though his black cap sat on the ground beside him. His breakfast this morning was simple rice with a few small fish, as it was most days. He did occasionally have eggs instead of fish, or even some natto, but he kept his diet simple.

His life now was very different than it had been before he had met the Goddess Raiden. He was no longer an engineer and salary man, but instead, head of the Yashiro Commission. In his role, he was essentially the High Priest of Japan, second only to the Emperor in ensuring the observation and continuation of the Reformed Shinto religion. He lived a mostly austere life, but he wielded great power, overseeing everything from Education and Welfare to, what he considered his primary duty, ensuring devotion to the Great Narukami Oshogo and Goddess of Japan, Raiden Shogun.

There was a rustle beside him, and a woman in miko’s robes approached. She was one of his chief aides, as well as attending to her duties here at the Ise Grand Shrine, headquarters of the Yashiro Commission.

“A message from her Excellency, Lord Yoshida.” She held out an envelope, which Kenichi took immediately, setting down his cup and forgetting about his breakfast.

The note was short, simple, and to the point, as most of Raiden’s directives were.

This morning, a new Vision Holder appeared in Osaka. Unlike the electro visions or parasitic ones, this was green, with the symbol of anemo. A new Anemo Archon has appeared. I know not if it is the one I know, or a new one. But we must find them immediately. Seek them out with all due haste. They will not be found in Japan. Find a land of winds and open skies. There too, shall the Anemo Archon be found.

-Raiden

Kenichi’s nostrils flared. A new god? Who dared to attempt to usurp Raiden’s authority? Perhaps they were not in Japan, but Raiden was the one true god of this world, sent to Japan to guide her people with divine wisdom and Radiance.

“Send for the Evening Star,” Kenichi ordered his aide.

Her eyes widened at the command, but she bowed, and hastened off. Kenichi made himself finish his breakfast, even as his stomach churned in fear and frustration. But he knew what he had to do.

Not long after, the shadows formed into a shape at his side, and a moment later, Kokusho appeared at his side. She was dressed in, well, what would be considered stereotypical ninja garb, complete with a black headwrap and black body suit, and of course two swords at her side.

“You sent for me, my Lord?”

“I have need of the Shuumatsuban,” Kenchi said, closing his eyes. “This will be a mission of utmost importance. I shall dispatch you, and our most skilled agents abroad. There is a threat to the Shogunate. One that must be addressed immediately.”

“I live to serve,” Kokusho said, bowing her head to the ground. “What are your orders?”

Kenichi laid out his plans, and Kokusho listened intently. When he was done, she rose and bowed, her fists pressed together. “I will leave at once, and dispatch my most skillful ninjas. We will find this Anemo Archon, and deal with them.”

And then in a blur of black wind, Kokusho was gone again. Kenichi suppressed a sigh. The theater was all well and good, but did Kokusho really have to lean so hard into the whole ninja thing? Maybe she did: Raiden had seemed to believe that the Shuumatsuban wouldn’t be complete without training in ninjutsu and the costumes to go with it. By the remarks that Kokusho and the other ninjas had made, Raiden was extremely skilled at teaching new arts of infiltration, espionage, and hidden combat.

Ah well. If anyone had a license to be melodramatic, it was a god.

And this upstart would be dealt with. One way, or another.

Author’s Note:

I noticed a depressing lack of Himbo Energy in this story so far.

The mistake has been corrected. 

The Melancholy of Kazuma Sato, The Final Chapter

The lights suddenly dimmed, and curtains appeared, obscuring Komekko and Megumin. A moment later, a spot light shone, and the curtains withdrew, revealing Komekko now dressed as a voodoo priestess, sitting at a table with tarot cards and a crystal ball, Megumin beside her.

Then, to the loud groans of several members of the audience (and Aqua and Haruhi’s enthusiastic cheers), they began to sing.

Don't you disrespect my Crimson Pride!

Don't you denigrate or deride!

You're in my world now

Not your world

And I got friends on the other side!

That’s a metaphor,

Just a little Devil Queen Humor

I’ll explain things, don’t worry.

Sit down at my table

Put your minds at ease

If you relax it will all be just a show to please

I can explain your journey

I did change it 'round some, too

I’ve looked deep into your heart and soul

(Will you get to the point Komekko?)

Of course! I’ll go ahead and explain!

I got a motive, I got a causal train!

So let’s go on this crazy ride!

And I got friends on the other side

The gods, the gods, the gods!

They control the past, present, and future as well!

The gods, the gods, take these three!

Now I’ll share a little insight, see?

Now you, Haruhi, come from a long history!

You’re a reincarnation, a second time around!

A goddess through and through, on your mother's side

Your power’s high

But your knowledge is low

But Japan has changed, it’s not the same!

No worship, no glory, Amaterasu, she told her story!

So she found a goddess, bored of her job

She just wanted to be free!

Laze about all her days!

But to do that she’d need a mortal!

It’s the mortal who can change, keep up with the times!

And when Amaterasu saw her future

It was the mortals she sees!

So she built a little school, to teach a lesson

She pushed you all into place

And you all ran around and around

The goddess, the NEET, and the Devil Queen!

Which is little ole me

So you’re the boss who retired

But in your future, the you I see

Is exactly the goddess Japan needs her to be!

And me? I’m the new wave!

Come on girls

Won't you shake the poor sinner's hand?

Yes

Are you ready?

(Are you ready?)

Are you ready?

Reincarnation central!

(Reincarnation  central!)

Reformation central!

(Reformation central!)

Transmogrification central!

Can you feel it?

You're changin', You're changin', You're changin', all right!

I hope you're satisfied

But if you ain't

Don't blame me!

You can blame my friends on the other side!

(You got what you wanted)

(But you lost what you had)

Komekko stood with Megumin and Vanir, both of the girls sweating, and Vanir grinning mightily. They bowed, with Haruhi and Aqua clapping wildly, Mikuru clapping hesitantly, and everyone else just glad it was over.

Kyon raised a hand, and Komekko pointed. “Yes! You in the back!’’

“That doesn’t explain anything.”

“That’s not a question, so I’m afraid you lose! Thank you, you’ve been a wonderful audience,” Komekko said, bowing to everyone. Mikuru clapped politely, while the two Tanyas and Visha struggled against their bonds, Kazuma having tied them up once Komekko had paralyzed Young Tanya long enough for Yuki to get her mojo back.

“Yeah, I’d still like to know what was going on,” Kazuma said, frowning and shaking his head. “What the hell even happened just now? Was that really Amaterasu?”

“I’m afraid if you can’t appreciate art, you don’t get any answers!” Komekko said, sticking her nose in the air.

“Wait, am I really the reincarnation of Amaterasu? Did she really set this all up?” Haruhi demanded.

“She did,” Chris said slowly, glaring at the Devil Queen, who was standing behind Komekko and glaring at everyone. “But I think maybe the answers are inside you, Haruhi.”

“If this is some bullshit about us having the answer all along and it being friendship, I’m out,” Kazuma declared.

Ristarte stepped forward, frowning first at Haruhi, then Sasaki. “I think…I think Aqua and I really did pass on our mantles…but it’s not just Haruhi who could become the Chief Goddess, is it?”

“I knew it!” Kyoko whooped, pumping her fist. “Sasaki is the winner after all!”

“Technically, Haruhi and Sasaki aren’t really goddesses, not yet. They’re like, proto-goddesses, if you will,” Komekko said with a shrug. “But they’re on the cusp. They got divine parentage, and inherited their powers at great sacrifice. They just need a tiny little push to get there!”

“So, we still have to make our choice?” Sasaki asked.

“Uh, well, one of you has to become the new goddess of Belzerg,” Chris said, taking out a letter. “I didn’t understand why the chief gave this to me, but I think it’s for both of you. She said it was for when Aqua got fired to give to her replacement. I was going to make sure that didn’t happen…but, well, mazel tov, I guess? Maybe this has some answers.”

She handed the letter to Haruhi and Sasaki. It was in a legal sized envelope, and was addressed to “The Goddess of Belzerg.”

“I’m opening it!” Haruhi said eagerly and ripped the letter open. She held it out so Sasaki could read it, but as they did so, the words suddenly glowed, and the school around them vanished.

An instant later, Sasaki and Haruhi both shivered. They looked around themselves, seeing they were atop a mountain peak at sunset. The rocks around them were rust red and volcanic, the soil barren and windswept. Off to one side was a sea of clouds, a lake visible beneath them, the countryside stretching to the ocean in the distance. To the other was a shrine with walls of volcanic rock, and plenty of tourist kitsch.

“Wait, we’re on top of Mount Fuji?” Haruhi said, looking around in confusion.

“Where are all the tourists?” Sasaki asked, frowning slightly. “There’s always tons of them, especially at sunset.”

“I reserved it privately, just for us.”

Both girls turned to see the Chief Goddess, Amaterasu, sitting on a stone bench and watching as the sun sank into the sea.

“You’re alive!?” Haruhi demanded, scrambling over. She frowned. “Wait, I thought, uh…”

“You seriously thought you were Amaterasu?” Sasaki asked, rolling her eyes. “You are full of yourself.”

“She is,” the older goddess said, not looking away from the sunset. She patted the seat next to her. “Sit. Enjoy it for a moment. This is my last sunset, after all.”

“Not before I get some answers!” Haruhi declared, but Sasaki grabbed her hand and dragged her onto the bench.

Sasaki sat quietly, watching the sunset, while Haruhi glowered and swung her legs. Eventually, she sighed and turned to watch the beauty of nature on display. Amaterasu pulled out a thermos and some cups, pouring them each some tea as the temperature rapidly dropped. Neither of the girls were dressed warmly, so they gratefully accepted the warm drinks.

When only a sliver of the red sun remained, Amaterasu spoke. “I actually am dead. This is an echo, a memory. If you’re both here, that means my plan worked, and Tanya finally got her revenge.”

“Ok, first of all, why do you even care? She seems like a bitch,” Haruhi huffed.

Amaterasu shrugged. “I needed someone to kill me, and I figured it should at least be a deserving soul.”

“You planned to die?” Sasaki asked, baffled. “Why? Did you just get tired of living? This seems like a really complicated way to commit suicide.”

“Mmm, it’s not really suicide,” Amaterasu mused. She shrugged, taking a sip of her tea and sighing. “Japan has changed, and I have not. It’s time for me to be reborn again. Of course, I could have just selected a suitable woman and willed myself dead to be reborn, but-”

“That sounds super boring. This was way better,” Haruhi said with a nod. “I get it.”

Sasaki gave her an exasperated look, then turned to Amaterasu. “OK, that explains Haruhi, but what about me?”

“My power is…well, it’s a bit much for one young girl. And, well, I sort of owed Ristarte and Seiya after…well. I suppose now that you’re on speaking terms with your parents, you can just ask them.”

“That doesn’t explain why we were raised like mushrooms,” Haruhi said, frowning. “Why couldn’t our parents just tell us?”

“If you’d grown up knowing you were possessed of godlike powers, that would have made your life even more boring. And, well, predisposed you to be an even greater brat than you became,” Amaterasu said, a faint smile on your lips. “Besides, you agreed to that, not me.”

“Bullshit,” both girls said at the same time.

Amaterasu chuckled, then looked back to the sun. It vanished below the horizon, and though the sky was still glowing, the shadows around them were growing. She held up a hand, which had gone transparent. “Ah. Not much time left then. So, we come to the crossroads. You two girls have the potential to replace me. To become the new goddesses of Japan, do you-”

“I ACCEPT!” Haruhi said immediately, jumping up. “Just you wait! I’m going to be AWESOME as Chief Goddess! The SOS Brigade will have an outpost in every school, and life will be full of strange and weird things.”

Sasaki didn’t respond immediately, looking into her empty cup. At last, she said, “Can I help make sure that no little girl has to suffer what I did, or parents have to go through what mine have?”

“Not quite. But you can try. There will always be evil in the world, Sasaki. A goddess’ job is to find those who can fight against it,” Amaterasu said gently. Then she looked at Haruhi. “And is that really what you’ll do?”

“I mean…I don’t know. I have no idea how to be a goddess,” Haruhi admitted. “I’ll try and take it seriously, it sounds like the job I always wanted! Something unique, special, and interesting and- wait. I have to share this with my stupid cousin!?”

“Humble pie, Haruhi. How does it taste?” Sasaki asked innocently. Haruhi stuck her tongue out in response.

“Your road isn’t over, far from it. But I release any bindings that were on your powers. You two are now goddesses in truth.”

Haruhi grinned and looked down at her chest, while Sasaki closed her eyes and held out her hands, palms up. When nothing happened after several seconds, both turned to Amaterasu.

“It won’t be quite that easy, I’m afraid. There is still that onboarding process. Don’t worry, you’ll have someone to help. For once, perhaps talk to your mothers,” Amaterasu said, now nearly completely translucent. She stood and bowed to the girls. “Farewell.”

The goddess turned to starlight and flowed into both girls. They gasped, feeling power surge within themselves, and closed their eyes. When they opened them again, they were back in the strange school.

“So, what?” Aqua said, coming over. “What did the letter say?”

Haruhi looked, but it was just a blank piece of paper now. She crumpled it up and dropped it. “Right! Well, I really am Amaterasu reborn! I knew it!”

“...but I got part of her power too, so we have to work together,” Sasaki said, elbowing Haruhi.

“Fiiiiiineeee. Yes.” Haruhi looked around at the expectant faces. “What?”

“Well, what do we do NOW?” Kyon demanded, gesturing to the mostly destroyed hall.

“Uh….I guess? We send people home?” Haruhi said. She spread her arms, sticking her tongue out between her lips as she squinted. After a moment she sighed and shook her head. “Yeah, I still don’t know how to do that.”

“I…actually don’t either,” Sasaki admitted. “Er, mom…do you know?”

Ristarte blinked. “You mean me? Ah, well, I do know how to use the powers of a goddess, but I can’t exactly explain how…”

“Let me guess, you’re useless too, huh mom?” Haruhi said, glaring at Aqua.

“Hey! I am not useless! I am a god-” Aqua blinked, then started crying. Kazuma rubbed her shoulders while glaring at Haruhi, who sighed and came over and hugged them both.

“Thanks. This was fun. It was sort of weird going to school with my own parents, but…I wouldn’t change a thing.”

“I’ll be a good mom, I promise!” Aqua wailed, hugging Haruhi tightly and drawing Kazuma in.

He reluctantly hugged Haruhi at first, then grunted when she squeezed. “I guess I’m proud of you and stuff.”

After a moment they separated, and Haruhi and Aqua both had to scrub their eyes, while Kazuma blinked. After a moment, Aqua turned to Eris. “Um, Eris…do you…?”

“Do I know how to send everyone home? Heck no! You’re all from different times and dimensions! I barely know how to get back to Heaven!” Chris said, shaking her head.

“Hey Yuki, do you…?” Haruhi said, turning to the quiet alien.

“While I possess advanced data manipulation techniques, fully rectifying this situation is beyond my current abilities.”

Everyone stood there for a moment, until Komekko stepped forward. “I think I might have a solution!”

“You? Seriously? You know how to restore all these timelines and fix everything?” Kazuma demanded.

Komekko blinked innocently. “Me? Oh no. But allow me to introduce you to my friend on the other side…”

She bowed and Vanir stepped forward, a wide grin on his face. He rubbed his hands together eagerly. “Oh yes. This is the flavor of shame and disappointment. Goddesses ashamed of themselves, and the disappointment that it is moi who saves the day!” He performed a loud chef’s kiss, and grinned around at them, his left eye glowing with a sinister life. “But moi must tell you…there is always a price…”

“Let me guess. It’s some sort of weird geass on us where we’ll be constantly disappointed and ashamed we can’t just talk straight about this?” Kazuma asked, sighing heavily.

Vanir grinned and rubbed his hands together. “For starters. The other is…thou shall all be separated, and scattered through time.”

“What?! You can’t do that to us!” Megumin protested. “I just met Kazuma and Aqua again!”

“Sorry sis. We have to restore the timeline,” Komekko said, sounding genuinely remorseful as she patted Megumin on the shoulder. “Everyone’s got to go back where they belong.”

“Anyone else have any ideas?” Haruhi asked.

“You let me go and I kill the demon first, then the gods,” both Tanyas said at the same time.

“You don’t get a vote,” Kyon said, and kicked them in the ribs, making both glare at him.

“I’m fresh out of ideas,” Kazuma admitted.

“Very well,” Vanir laughed. He drew out a quill and inkwell with a flourish, while Komekko produced a contract on a long scroll of vellum. “Sign here, please.”

Reluctantly, everyone took the quill and signed their name. It took quite a while, as Seiya insisted on reading the entire contract, and attempting to argue over a few points.

“No, sorry! It’s either you spend the rest of your life at this school with your pregnant girlfriend, or we send you back to Japan!” Komekko told him after Seiya tried to rules lawyer his way out of one line or another. “Are you going to sign, or do I put your daughter’s soul back where I found it?”

Seiya grimaced, but he signed.

With that done, Vanir began to walk around, a gleeful grin on his face. “Hmm, moi must consider,” Vanir tapped his lips with his index finger, studying Seiya and Ristarte. “Yes, yes…the fallen goddesses together…along with the foolish hero who is either overly cautious or blindly bold, and the NEET who shall be forced to a life of corporate slavery. To the past with all of thee.”

“Wait, what?!” Kazuma cried. “How could you-”

“And, well, for the others, back to their own places. But first…” Vanir stepped forward, grinning down at Tanya. “How doest thou feel, godslayer?”

“Like I haven’t finished the job,” she growled.

“Gooooood. Good. Well then. You shall accompany them!”

“Wait, no! Don’t-” Haruhi began, but it was too late. Vanir snapped his fingers, and Kazuma and Aqua, Seiya and Ristarte, and the past Tanya all vanished.

“What did you do to them!?” Haruhi snarled, stepping forward and grabbing Vanir by the lapels.

“What moi promised. They are in the past, to replay this tired dance again, the foolish dancers moving to the beat of fate in a mad attempt to defy it, only to replay this farce once more,” Vanir laughed. He raised his hands and applauded. “Encore! What a splendid performance!”

“What about us?” Haruhi demanded, jerking her head at the SOS Brigade, along with Sasaki and Kyoko.

“Why, back to where you belong!” Vanir laughed. “Do enjoy the apocalypse you prepared for yourselves!” He snapped his fingers again, and they were all gone.

Chris was left alone with the demons, Old Tanya grinning at her viciously. She raised her daggers. “You wanna go a round?”

“Do not dare hurt Chris! She is my friend!” Megumin snapped, stepping from her sister to Chris.

“We’ve got a truce, so no, we won’t be fighting,” Komekko said with a sigh. She gave Megumin a lopsided grin. “Back home for us too. We’ll mop up all the people left at this school and do the standard memory wipes. But you’re on your own, Eris.”

“Moi hopes you enjoy being the only one who truly remembers all of this,” Vanir cackled. “And that thou cannot speak to anyone about this for years!”

“What!? You BASTARD! I, I’ll…shit,” Chris kicked her foot at the floor. She sighed. “Well…see you around, Megumin.” Then she vanished, returning to her own place. Vanir set about returning the students and staff to their own dimensions. As he did so, Komekko embraced Megumin again.

“Sorry about…everything. I…I hope you can forgive me. I guess I turned out to be a pretty rotten Crimson Demon after all.”

“What are you talking about? You have surpassed even me, becoming the Devil Queen of multiple worlds! Truly, you are the Foremost Genius of the Crimson Demon Clan,” Megumin said. She took off her great big hat, and set it on Komekko’s head.

For a moment, Komekko was silent, then she giggled, twirling in delight. “Thank you! I’ll take good care of it! And visit sometimes.”

Megumin gave her a smug look. “Oh, I’m sure it will be a while. I made sure of that.”

Komekko blinked. “What? What are you-”

But then Vanir snapped his fingers again, and Megumin vanished, back to the Belzerg she had left not so long ago. She found a very confused Mao still tied up in the bathroom, and helped her out of the dungeon. Eventually, Mao would be able to reunite with her old friends, but that’s a story for another crossover.

“Wait, Vanir, hold on, I think something’s wrong,” Komekko said, digging out the contract. She began to rapidly scan it, but Vanir shook his head.

“Too late! Moi saw the alteration. And for once…it will be amusing to see you ashamed and disappointed, mistress,” Vanir said.

Komekko found the line, and recognized her sister’s handwriting. “Wait, no, don’t-”

But Vanir snapped his fingers, and Komekko vanished.

Then he turned to Tanya and Visha, who were still sitting on the floor, tied up. He squatted down and grinned. “Well, well. The Devil of the Rhine. Together again at last.”

“I make no deals with gods or demons,” Tanya spat. “Kill us and be done with it!”

Vanir flinched back, acting wounded. “Kill you? No no. Moi has an offer! You see, Hell is a growth industry! And moi’s mistress is always on the lookout for new generals.

Visha growled, “Убирайся к черту.”

Tanya just spat at Vanir’s feet.

“Well. Do not say moi did not try. And now…as a personal favor for killing that most despicable of goddesses…moi shall give you what you have always claimed to want.”

A finger snap, and Visha and Tanya found themselves on a beach. Behind them stood a jungle island, with a freshwater spring, and just enough plants to support two people for the rest of their natural lives. They were on an empty world, with nothing but the ocean, and a few other islands, just as deserted, in a small archipelago.

“Is this…paradise?” Visha asked, looking around wistfully.

Tanya sighed. “At last…peace and quiet.”

They smiled at one another and kissed. Then set about building a shelter.

Within two days, they were bored. Within a week, they were grumpy and fighting. After a month, they were fighting constantly just to have something to do. There weren’t even any large animals or fish worth fighting. They did occasionally find the earth masks in the jungle, watching them, and felt deeply ashamed when they did so. Tanya would destroy the masks, but there was nothing but echoing laughter.

As it turned out, Peace would destroy them both. But enough about that.

Haruhi reappeared in the gym with the SOS Brigade, Sasaki beside her.

“You’re back!” Itsuki cried, and stumbled over.

“Ah-ha! I knew I was forgetting something!” Haruhi said, slapping her fist into her palm. “There you are, Vice Chief! Now, we-”

Itsuki went right past Haruhi and pulled Kyoko into a tight embrace. “I thought I’d lost you.”

“Well, I’m hard to lose sometimes,” Kyoko giggled. She closed her eyes and tilted her head up, lips slightly parted, and Itsuki kissed her passionately.

Haruhi let out an offended squawk. “The nerve! I come all the way back to-OW! KYON!”

“Let the poor guy have his moment,” Kyon said. He glanced around, spotting a shocked Kimidori on the ground in a ritual circle. “What the hell happened here?”

“Alert,” Yuki said, pointing towards the ceiling. “Data breach. The Sky Canopy Dominion is attempting a data merge with humanity.”

“Huh? What do you mean?” Haruhi asked, baffled.

“She means those IDIOTS bound me, and now the Sky Canopy Dominion is going to destroy the world!” Kimidori snarled, jumping to her feet. “I was like a GOD to you pathetic insects! Well. I guess it’s not too late. Unit 0000! Initiate data sequencing and MMPH MMMPH MMMMM!”

Silver ductape appeared over Kimidori’s mouth, and she raised her hands, trying to rip it off. Yuki stood with one hand extended towards her, the barest twitch of a smile on her lips. “Request denied.”

“HARUHI!”

Kazuma and Aqua ran over, and this time, Haruhi knew who her parents really were. She hugged them tightly, squeezing her eyes shut. “Mom, dad…you were both real jerks in high school.”

“Everyone is, Princess,” Kazuma said, kissing the top of Haruhi’s head.

“Uh, mom, does this mean…are you going to start going by Aqua now?” Haruhi asked hesitantly.

“Absolutely not. To you, I’ll always be mom, young lady. Your father, however, can finally go back to calling me by that name.”

“I dunno, I kinda like Thalia,” Kazuma mused. Aqua stomped on his foot, and he laughed. “Fine, fine. You’ll always be my useless goddess, Aqua.”

“Jerk,” she muttered, but she was smiling whens he said it.

Across the room, Sasaki was having her own tearful reunion with her parents. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I never should have believed you hated me! I should have known you loved me!”

“It’s alright, sweetie,” Tiana said, squeezing her daughter. “I’m just glad you know we do love you.”

“Don’t worry,” Seiya said. “Everything’s gonna be alright. We’ve always loved you.”

Kyon glanced at Yuki, then stepped closer and put an arm around her. She leaned against him, closing her eyes. “I…I love you too.”

“Yes,” Yuki said, nodding.

Mikuru felt a little awkward, so she went over and peeled the tape off of Kimidori’s lips. “Uh, hi. Um, are you still an alien?”

“Yes! But more importantly, WHAT ABOUT THE MILLION ALIENS IN THE SKY WHO ARE ABOUT THE DESTROY THE WORLD!” Kimidori roared.

“Oh yeah,” Kazuma said, breaking his embrace of his wife and daughter. “That. So, uh, who do we fix that? You got any ideas, Mr Perfectly Prepared?”

Seiya considered that, then shrugged. “I didn’t prepare for this one.”

The gym door was kicked open, and Tsuruya stood there, bloody and grinning. “DUH DUH DA DAAAAAA! THE CAVALRY IS HERE!”

“Put me down!” a familiar voice squawked. “I said I was sorry! PUT ME DOWN!”

“I think not,” Darkness grunted, and stepped into view, a dark-haired girl kicking and struggling under one arm, her giant witch’s hat obscuring most of her features.

“Megumin!?” Kazuma gasped. “What are you-”

The girl looked up, glaring at Kazuma. “YOU! YOU PUT MY SISTER UP TO THIS, DIDN’T YOU!”

A slow grin spread over Kazuma’s face. “Why, Komekko. It’s been so long. Whatever brings you here?”

“You should have read the fine print,” Seiya said seriously. “I did.”

“Damn you,” Komekko muttered. She glared up at Darkness. “Look, I said I was sorry I killed you! If it makes you feel better, I’m not even the Devil Queen right now! I have to do some stupid task before I can go back to Belzerg.”

“What task?” Darkness asked, frowning.

Komekko looked down and muttered, hiding under her hat. Darkness shook her, and she let out a yip. “Ah! I have to graduate high school! Just put me down!”

Darkness dropped Komekko flat onto her face, where she landed with a splat. “Hmph. Very well. Ah, Kazuma, I do hope you have a plan, because…”

WANT. COMMUNICATE.

The words made the very ground shudder and everyone gasp and clutch at their heads. Except Darkness, who moaned in pleasure.

“Right, that. Uh, Haruhi?” Kazuma said.

Haruhi nodded, looking thoughtful. “I have an idea. Yuki? Sasaki? Let’s do this!”

“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Sasaki sighed, but stepped over and took Haruhi’s hand. Yuki gave Kyon’s hand a squeeze, then let go, stepping forward and closing the circle.

There was a flash, and Haruhi found herself standing in the sky, and an endless legion of Kuyou Suou clones around them. The nearest one turned to them, eyes dead, mouth not even moving as she spoke.

WANT. COMMUNICATE.

“I think I get it,” Haruhi said, gingerly taking a step. She found she could walk on thin air, and closed the distance. She stood in front of the alien, lips pursed. “You just want to have someone to talk to, don’t you? You’re lonely. Like Yuki was.”

The alien girl tilted her head to one side, as if listening, but unsure of how to respond.

“I think this will take all three of us,” Haruhi said, taking a deep breath. She could feel the power inside her now, and she closed her eyes. “Let’s sing another song, Sasaki. You join in too, Yuki.”

And so, the three girls sang together. It was a somewhat sad song, of growing up, and changing. One of saying goodbye to old friends, and the innocence of youth. But it was a song of hope too. One of becoming who you were meant to be. Of stepping into a new world, one grander and brighter than before. Finding new friends, and a life well lived.

As they sang, the Kuyou clones gathered around them. Slowly at first, then a huge multitude beyond numbering. While the song swelled, the clones stepped into one another, halving their numbers, again and again, the horde shrinking. Until there was only one left, listening.

The song ended, and Haruhi stepped forward, extending her hand. “What do you want, Kuyou? Do you want a life of adventure? Of excitement? To become a god like we will, and guide the world?”

“Or do you want a normal life,” Sasaki said, stepping to her other side, holding out her own hand. “To become human, and live simply, giving up all your power?”

Kuyou looked back and forth between them, then to Yuki. She spoke only a single word. PLEASE.

Yuki nodded and took Kuyou’s hand. She guided it to Sasaki’s waiting touch. The wind whipped around them, and Kuyou closed her eyes. She changed, losing her ethereal beauty and doll-like grace, and becoming a normal teenaged girl. Even her hair shrunk until it was only shoulder length, and pimples sprouted on her face. Small ones, but noticeable compared to the flawless complexions of the other three.

“Well, she made her choice,” Haruhi sighed. “Even if it was the boring one.”

Sasaki shook her head. “Not everyone is as crazy as you are, with mad dreams of an impossible world.

“As we are! You took the deal too, cousin!” Haruhi teased.

The transformation finished, and Kuyou hung there before Sasaki for a moment.

Then, because she was a normal human, she fell right out of the sky.

“Uh, oops,” Haruhi said, watching as Kuyou’s unconscious form tumbled towards the ground below. “This is a bad time to ask, but how do we-”

Yuki dove after Kuyou, catching her, then floating back up.

“Nice save,” Haruhi said, giving her a thumbs up. She looked around. “So, uh, I guess the cat’s out of the bag about aliens and stuff now, huh?”

“Yes,” Yuki said, nodding, still cradling Kuyou in her arms.

“It shouldn’t be. We should reset things,” Sasaki said, folding her arms over her chest.

“What?! No! This is totally the world I wanted!” Haruhi protested. “It’s super awesome, with aliens, espers, and time travelers! Heck, my parents are even sliders!”

“Is it though? Now that you have it, is that for the best? Or was it more fun when you were looking?” Sasaki asked philosophically.

Haruhi glared at her, then sighed and looked at Yuki. “What do you think?”

“Humanity as a whole is not ready for this level of data. Stress levels are at dangerous levels globally. System reset is advised.”

“Fiiiiinnnneee. But not our friends and family! They keep their memories, alright!?” Haruhi declared.

Sasaki considered it, then nodded. “Very well. I agree.”

They both looked to Yuki. “System rebooting in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…”

And the world went back to the way it was. Not too interesting, but not boring either. Even if it did leave one Kazuma Sato feeling a bit melancholy with his lot in life.

The End.

Author’s Note:

Well, OK, not actually. There will be at least one epilogue, maybe two.

The Second Archon War, Carmen Dei 2

Beta’d and edited by The Grand Cogitator and Dr_Feelgood

Brought to you early by Korean Writer through Patreon

Steeling himself, Nakamura bowed to Raiden, motioning for her to enter. “Thank you, your Supreme Excellency, for gracing me with this visit.”

“You are one of the heads of the Tri-Commission. It is your privilege to request a personal audience with me whenever you so desire,” Raiden said, nodding to him, then entering and seating herself, taking a sip from the ice-cold bottle of soda on the table. “Hmm, yes, this is quite good. This is made in Japan, yes?”

“Indeed. We’ve had to start producing it domestically in fact,” Nakamura said, sitting down across from Raiden. He folded his hands together to keep them from trembling. “Lady Raiden, while it is not within my purview to set foreign policy, only to enforce your will…changes are going to need to be made. And soon.”

“Oh?” Raiden frowned, setting the bottle down. “Has not Japanese craftsmanship and production increased thanks to the sacred Sakura trees?”

“Yes. Our costs are so much lower than any other nation when it comes to heavy industry because of our free and unlimited energy that we are undercutting markets globally. We can make everything from aluminum and steel, to chemicals, to paper, to heavy machinery and even electronics far cheaper than any other nation. Which is why every nation on Earth has enacted or is close to enacting protectionary tariffs against Japan to protect their own local industries, as well as raising prices on any goods Japan imports from them. This is going to collapse our own markets and lead to a massive economic downturn if something is not done soon.”

Raiden frowned slightly. “They fear our might?”

“That, and, well…” he steeled himself again, feeling the tension in his stomach writhe like a nest of serpents. “Your actions, and lack of action, has provoked other nations. They are confused, afraid, and enraged that you have not acted against Behemoth or the new Endbringer.”

“They have not attacked Japan. Why should I?” Raiden said with a shrug.

“It’s excusable perhaps to not send our Vision Holders across the world,” Nakamura said, using the term that Raiden preferred for Parahumans. Though he was getting more reports that a new subset of Parahumans was arising that were baffling experts, all of them seeming to possess Raiden’s powers. “However, our complete lack of investment and interest in foreign affairs beyond the bare basics of diplomacy is causing a stir. We’ve alienated the Americans and refused to talk to them, and they were our largest trading partner previously. China was our next largest trading partner, and aside from the fact that they’re suffering economic catastrophe and internal rebellions, they too have been completely alienated. We were making some progress with other Southeast Asian nations, as well as nations in Europe, but our cold attitude has soured them. They’re threatening sanctions.”

Raiden considered this. “I do not understand these matters. I have been told these nations do not have gods of their own, what grudge do they have against me then?”

By that, Nakamura knew she also meant Japan. In Raiden’s mind, she was Japan, and frankly it was hard to argue with her. She was an absolute monarch in a fashion that hadn’t been seen since the collapse of the Great Empires of Europe after World War I. To Nakamura’s mind, and the mind of most of the citizens of Japan, Raiden was also the physical incarnation of the Spirit of Japan in a way more real than had been seen since the days when Emperor Worship was fervently practiced. In the eyes of the world, this wasn’t quite the case, but Raiden was definitely the face of the nation and a target of outrage and scorn by many.

“The Vatican, a nation that is home of the Catholic Church, has publicly denounced you and declared you an Antichrist, or perhaps the Antichrist. I do not know enough about their theology to understand this fully, but they have great sway over many other countries, especially in South America and Europe. They specifically find your claims of godhood to be blasphemy,” Nakumura said, wincing. Indeed, after the Pope had denounced Raiden, nations with large Catholic populations had been the first to levy sanctions on Japan, though that was also an economic move as Japan was set to devastate their own industries.

“Why should they care? I make no claim of authority over their lands,” Raiden said, frowning as thunder rumbled outside.

Nakamura sighed. The only way he understood Christianity was that he’d studied its history in Japan briefly and because it was important politically to a number of nations as it laid the basis for their values system. He still had a hard time understanding why they cared about the goddess of Japan at all, but they did. “They are an apostolic religion, but it is getting us sidetracked. The point is, we need to shift our policy because you threaten other nations and frighten them.”

“I see.” Raiden considered this briefly, then nodded. “Very well. How do you suggest we change things?”

“Well, for one, you need to start attending summits, making state visits, and playing ball with the other nations,” Nakamura said. When Raiden’s brow creased, he sighed and clarified, “You need to start treating this as a co-op game instead of single-player.”

“Ah.” Raiden pondered this for a few moments, looking out the window of Nakamura’s office to the streets of Tokyo below. She went over, examining the cars and people streaming by below them, and Nakamura went to stand beside her.

After a few minutes of contemplation, Raiden spoke. “This world is strange and alien to me. I confess I do not understand why other nations are so concerned about what seems to me to be our internal affairs, nor why they would wish for me to meddle in theirs.”

Nakamura felt his heart sink, but Raiden continued. “That said, I appointed you as head of the Kanjou Commission because I knew you would speak truth from courage to me. I will respect your advice and decisions. Draw up a list of diplomatic visits that must be made and appoint aides to help in crafting speeches for me to address the foreigners with. Send speakers of the foreign tongues as well to check that my words will not be misunderstood.”

“You wish to learn other languages?” Nakamura asked, surprised by this. He was fairly certain Raiden understood English as he had overheard her arguing with Kenta about whether dubbed or subtitled Disney movies were superior, but he wasn’t certain about the rest.

“If it is a mortal tongue, or even one of yokai tongues, I speak it already,” Raiden informed him. “Though at times, I have found my understanding of certain idioms to be lacking.”

“Ah.” Nakamura nodded, accepting that. Raiden was, after all, a goddess. “There is one other thing, your Excellency, though not of great import.”

“Speak, I am listening.”

“There are a number of scientists, ah, scholars, who wish to study the so-called monsters that have arisen. I also…well, do you know why they have appeared? The slimes, whopperflowers, specters, and so on,” Nakamura said.

Raiden only shrugged. “I have no qualms about allowing scholars to study here, so long as they do not attempt to steal our secrets. The Akademiya would send its sages and students to Inazuma for many such projects. As for why the monsters appear, it has always been so. Perhaps they merely return, for I have seen such beings spoken of in your legends.”

Nakamura was pretty sure that meant they appeared in popular video games. He’d actually started to try to get the Yashiro Commission to make some educational manga, anime, and video games for Raiden’s benefit. She would read books or listen to lectures, but she tired of them quickly. And, well, a bored goddess was not a problem you wanted to have.

“Well, then perhaps they will give us some answers. We will of course, carefully check the backgrounds of all such individuals. Some are sure to be spies.”

“Ah, if you find any, be sure to treasure them. A known agent is one we can feed whatever lies and truths we wish, then dispose of if they become a threat,” Raiden said. At times, she was rather canny, and always far from a fool.

“Thank you, your Excellency. I will have my staff submit a list of conferences that it would be helpful for you to attend, and some potential allies in the region we could begin to form closer ties with,” Nakamura said, smiling. He noticed Raiden was finished with her drink and fetched her another.

Really, bribing god with sweets and games wasn’t such a bad deal after all. He had learned to live with Raiden. Now, she had to learn to live with the rest of the world.

Playing with the ice in her cup, Capri looked across the table at Venti and tried not to sweat, despite the chill air. Venti seemed utterly absorbed with his milkshake, slurping loudly through the straw. Earlier, he’d been blowing bubbles in it. It was frankly weird to see a…whatever he was doing that, but she still wasn’t certain what to do.

Next to her, Naomi was looking into her cup of tea and staring at her reflection. She had been rather silent since they’d left the library, and neither of them were exactly sure what to do.

“Ah, that hit the spot! Just like something Diona would make!” Venti laughed, setting his milkshake down at last. He rested his elbows on the table and set his head in his hands, smiling at them both. “Now, I’m sure you’ve got a lot of questions. Go ahead and ask. No one can hear us, the winds will mute our words.”

“Are you…are you…the Lord?” Naomi asked, looking up nervously.

“Hmm. I’m going to venture you’re asking if I’m a specific god you know, so let me explain what I am and see if that answers your question.” Venti lifted his hands, creating a sort of screen between them that showed flashing images. “I’m from another land entirely. After looking at that atlas and reading that world history book, I think it’s safe to say that it’s probably another world. It’s called Teyvat.” A map, showing a strange-looking continent appeared, looking almost real as if you were looking down from space. “Within it were seven lands. One of them was my land: Mondstadt, land of Wind and Freedom.”

The image zoomed in, and Capri found herself holding her breath as she beheld wide rolling hills and grassy plains, along with giant windmills turning in the breeze. “For 2600 years, I was the god of Mondstadt, Barbados. I didn’t rule Mondstadt directly, though I did help out on occasion and make sure their lives were their own to live.”

People, regular people, appeared. They looked Germanic, actually, with light skin and hair, and dressed mostly as Capri thought someone from the Medieval period or Renaissance would, with colorful fabric and buildings of wood with red-tiled roofs.

“As the Ameno Archon, I would wander the land, just like a breeze, singing songs and staving off the worst dangers. There were other gods of other lands, but they kept to their lands and I to mine. However…there were always the Dictates of Celestia. Those rankled, but, well, I couldn’t do much about them! Still, life in Mondstadt was pretty good. However…I did lose my Gnosis. That was, well, think of it as a badge of office. I suspect that Celestia figured out just why the Tsaritsa’s minions got mine so easily, and well…I just hope Her judgment fell only on me.”

An image of Venti making a deal with shadowed figures, then losing what looked like a glowing green chess piece to a masked woman, then appearing in that alley Capri had found him in.

“So…you’re not the Lord of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob?” Naomi asked slowly.

“And you’re not Jesus Christ either,” Capri snorted, which got her a sour look from Naomi.

“No, I’d be interested to hear about this god of yours though. Are they the god of, what was, it, Israel?” Venti asked curiously. “It didn’t seem like there was a German god who ordered the religious persecution, but…well, I’ve seen that happen before.”

“Did…did you have Jews in Mondstadt?” Naomi asked, tears filling her eyes.

“No, though there were groups similar to the Romani,” Venti mused. “Travelers, who didn’t call one place home. There were those who tried to persecute them.” His expression darkened. “But I made sure the nobles fell, never to rise again. And that the Imunlaukr were wiped out completely for their sins.”

“Oh, well, ah…I guess…I can tell you a little of the history of the Jews, and how we became the Chosen People,” Naomi agreed.

Capri sat back and listened as Naomi spoke, hesitantly at first, but then with more fervor, moving her hands as if she were dancing as she did so. They’d never really talked about Naomi’s beliefs, since after all Capri wasn’t Jewish. She knew Naomi was religious and was fine with it, but the finer points of Jewish theology had escaped her.

“Interesting. So you really believe there’s only one, creator God?” Venti asked when Naomi wound down.

“Well, yes, but we don’t say…ah, His name. Some of us won’t even say G_d,” Naomi said hesitantly. “You’re…you’re not…?”

“Oh, no, definitely not,” Venti said with a dismissive wave. “I suppose to your way of thinking, I would be a powerful spirit or angel. The one who created the world…well, I can’t say for sure about this one, but in Teyvat we didn’t really talk much.”

“So, wait. Do you expect us to worship you or not?” Capri asked, leaning back and frowning. She really didn’t understand all this.

“Ehhhhh,” Venti made a face and waggled his hand back and forth. “I guess at some point I did need some worship to achieve apotheosis. I was born as a simple Wind Spirit, one you’d call a…faerie? Yes, I think that’s the word. Well, anyway, I made friends with a human, helping them to fight against a terrible tyrant, the Anemo Archon before me. My friend fell in battle and…and for the first time, I knew loss. I took up their harp, much like this one here, and continued the fight, taking their form as my own. I allied with other gods and powerful spirits, as well as making friends of the common people. We ended up overthrowing the Ameno Archon, the god of Mondstadt at the time. And, well, no one else wanted the job, so…I took it.”

“At first I did need worship to grow in power, much like an infant needs his mother’s milk. But once I grew into the strong, handsome man you see before you,” Venti batted his eyelashes playfully, making Capri snort despite her best intentions, “I didn’t need it any longer. I still maintained my position, watching over the land, but, well, to be honest…it gets sort of embarrassing having people worship you. Some gods enjoy it, or covet the power mortal belief grants them, but me? Well, I’d rather share a beer and a laugh with some friends.”

Capri and Naomi shared a perplexed look, and then turned back to Venti. Licking her lips, Naomi asked, “So…what do you want?”

“Well, first of all, I’m going to try out some of this famous German Beer!” Venti held up a tourist brochure, showing the recently concluded Oktoberfest. “I’m really disappointed I missed the big party this year, but there’s always next year! I’ll do some singing, earn a bit of money, and make new friends!”

Venti had been smiling and laughing, but he suddenly grew serious, and a storm brewed in his eyes. “And along the way, I’m going to find every single last Nazi bastard, and hang them by their underwear from the highest pole in the town square so everyone can know how foolish they really are.”

“That’s a plan I can get behind,” Capri said, nodding in agreement.

“You mentioned singing, and you have that harp. Are you a musician?” Naomi asked curiously. “David was, he was famous for playing.”

Venti gave her a pained look, then picked up his harp, and began to play.

There will come a soldier

Who carries a mighty sword

He will tear your city down

Oh lei, oh lai, oh, Lord

Oh lei, oh lai, oh lei, oh, Lord

He will tear your city down

All around them in the cafe, silence fell. Even the cooks stopped working, peaking their heads out from the back. The waitress froze in the act of taking an order, turning around to see Venti play. Seeing he had an audience, Venti sprang up to stand with one foot on the table, the other in his chair, as he continued to play, singing louder and louder.

Oh lei, oh lai, oh lei, oh, Lord

There will come a poet

Whose weapon is His word

He will slay you with His tongue

Oh lei, oh lai, oh, Lord

Oh lei, oh lai, oh lei, oh, Lord

He will slay you with His tongue

Oh lei, oh lai, oh, Lord

Capri found herself tapping her foot and clapping along, a smile blooming on her face as the music lifted her spirits. She could feel the cares and worries of the world lift from her shoulders, and tension melt away from her muscles. Beside her, Naomi slid out from her seat and began to dance, stepping in time with the music, her arms tracing shapes in the air.

Venti kept singing, but when he came to the chorus, he cried, “Sing it with me now!”

The entire restaurant echoed with Oh lei, oh lai, oh, Lord! Capri found herself pulled out of her seat by Capri and dancing as other patrons pulled back the tables and chairs, others standing to dance and clap. More people looked in from the street, hearing the music and drawn in as if by magic. Venti finished, paused to get a drink, then launched into another song.

Before Capri knew it, several hours had passed. Somehow, she had borrowed an acoustic guitar, she wasn’t sure from where, and was playing along to songs she’d never heard before while hitting every note perfectly, singing harmony with Venti. Naomi had gotten some sort of toy bongo from somewhere and was playing it as beautifully as if it were a finely crafted drum in a concert hall.

The cafe itself was full to bursting, with every table filled. The windows had been thrown open, and people outside were listening on benches or tables that had been dragged over, while the center of the diner had become a dance floor. The waitress was so busy they’d hired three more people on the spot to help serve, and the cooks had drafted another half a dozen people to help them feed the massive crowd. The restaurant across the street was also bringing in food, and the entire thing had turned into a massive party the likes of which Capri had only seen on rare festival days or large Romani weddings.

“Thank you, thank you!” Venti said, bowing to the crowd. There was loud applause and cheers, even a few whistles. Everyone was smiling and happy, even the tired-out waitresses and cooks. “But, I’m afraid that’s all for now. My friends and I have other work to do.”

“What’s your name?” someone called, and it was echoed by others.

“Me? I’m just a Tone Deaf Bard, blown in by the wind,” Venti laughed.

“The Tone Deaf Bards!” someone cried, and there were more whoops and cheers, along with hands pounding the tables in delight.

“The Tone Deaf Bards?” Capri shouted in Venti’s ear, as it was the only way to be heard in the ruckus. “We were called Stubborn Flames!”

“Ehe, sorry! Can’t be helped,” Venti said, winking and sticking his tongue out while he rapped his knuckles on his forehead.

They made their way out, but before they were more than a few steps out of the door a middle-aged man with round spectacles and a pink sweater hurried over to them, and said in a very pronounced lisp, “Oh my God! Capri, Naomi, who IS this lovely man? Where did you find him?!”

“Oh, Leon, uh, this is, er,” Capri glanced at Venti, who smiled.

“Venti! Venti Luft! I take it you know these two lovely ladies already?” Venti said.

Leon nodded, grabbing Venti and wrapping him in a hug. “Yes! I’m Leon Littner, owner of a small little bar just down the way called the Cheeky Ferret. We attract a certain crowd.” He fluttered his eyelashes and smiled at Venti. “I’ve had Capri and Naomi come play before, they’re such nice girls, and so talented! You just have to come, the boys there will just LOVE you Venti! There’s a big twink scene, you know, even if I’m more into Bears myself.”

“Ah, well, I don’t know if, er, Venti really-” Capri began, blushing mightily at the thought of god playing at a gay bar and getting hit on by half the men there.

“We’d love to!” Naomi burbled. “That was so much fun! Oh, Venti, you just have to join our band! Everyone would love you!”

“A bar, you say? Free drinks, right?” Venti naked in a teasing tone.”In that case, I’m there!”

Leon gave him a knowing smile. “One drink an hour on the house, or all the water and soda you want. Buuuutttt, if you can get the boys to buy you a beer or three, well, that’s just a bonus right? It’s 100 marks for the night in pay.”

“One fifty,” Capri said, her business sense kicking in before Naomi had them play for free or Venti had them play for booze. “We have a third member now, the price just went up.”

“Hmmm, one hundred is my standard rate,” Leon said, rubbing his chin.

“Leon, look at this place. You’ll double your customer base and you know it,” Capri said, gesturing to the packed diner. “No one even knew we were going to play. Book us for three nights. By the third night, Gunter won’t even be able to keep them out.”

“Oh how dare you talk about my big strong man like that,” Leon laughed, brushing the front of Capri’s blouse and laughing. “Fine, fine. We’ll call it 450 for three nights. But Venti you just have to be there every night, OK?”

“For free beers, you’ll have to nail the doors and windows shut to keep me out!” Venti laughed.

“Very good, very good, I’ll see you then,” Leon said, blowing them a kiss and then hurrying off.

“I like him!” Venti said, planting his hands on his hips and smiling. “I bet his bar’s a great place to drink!”

“I like it! It’s nice to hang out with other-oh.” Naomi suddenly blushed heavily, the implications of what they’d just agreed to washing over her. “Um, Venti, er, the Feisty Ferret, um, it’s-”

“It’s a gay bar,” Capri said bluntly.

“Well, I should hope so! Every bar should be gay! If people aren’t having a good time, what’s even the point of having a bar? That’s why I was always telling Diluc he should smile more when he was serving drinks!” Venti laughed.

“Uh, we um, we don’t mean a happy bar,” Naomi admitted.

“It’s a club for homos like us,” Capri said, pulling Naomi into a hug. Naomi blushed, but pecked Capri on the cheek and hugged her, then glared at Venti as if daring him to object.

“Er, can’t you drink at any bar?” Venti asked, clearly confused. “Or is it a bar for musicians? I don’t think I quite follow.”

“Most bars, um, don’t like it when people like us…”

Once more, Capri cut the bullshit and told Venti exactly how it was. “A lot of bars these days will throw you out if you start hitting on someone of the same sex. And some bars you’ll get knifed. Others it’s OK, but you have to know where it’s safe to let your flag fly. Leon’s place is a safe place. He opened it back in the 70s, and he’s had to fight off some of the damn Brownshirts from the LSLR more than once. Gustav was from East Germany, and some say he was in some spec ops group back before the wall fell. No one fucks with him, but had shootouts with those bastards and ended up in jail a few times because the police are all fuck heads.”

“Not all the police, Naomi, most of them hate the LSLR as much as we do,” Naomi said, but she had tears in her eyes.

Venti had stopped walking, and his eyes were stormy again. This time, it looked more like a hurricane than a gentle breeze. “Oh? So, exactly like it was in the Holocaust, then? These bastards think they can tell people who it’s OK to love, and harass anyone who steps out of line?”

Capri and Naomi both nodded.

Venti grinned. And it was all predator. “Rrrreaaaaaaallllyyy. So…how hard would it be to let them know that they’ll be a big gathering? A ripe, juicy target for them to attack?”

“Uh, Venti, why would we…” Naomi trailed off, and a cold wind blew, making her shiver.

“Because I think we just found an avenging angel. Or something like that,” Capri said, returning the devilish grin and cracking her knuckles. “And I think we owe those bastards some payback.”

Author’s Note

While Carmen Dei will mostly focus on Venti and the Tone Deaf Bards, we’ll still see what’s going on in the wider world, and with Raiden and Japan in particular. I can't say exactly how many chapters this section will be, but I expect it will take more than Imperatrix Umberosa as we have more characters to manage now. 

And also the Epic Drinking Contest in Berlin that Venti has with Raiden as he tries to figure out what is going on and she continues to be oblivious.

A Cat is Fine, Too Chapter 6

Beta’d and edited by The Grand Cogitator and Dr_Feelgood

In a far corner of the bar, Megumin stewed with Yunyun and Lolisa, now in human form, as they formulated a plan for sweet, sweet revenge.

“I can’t believe that dream trap didn’t work. You did make the adjustments I demanded, didn’t you?” Megumin growled at Lolisa.

“I did, but, um, just so you know…some guys find boobs that big kind of gross,” Lolisa said, blushing slightly.

Yunyun blushed even deeper, looking down at herself and earning yet another glare from Megumin. “Um, i-is that why you, ah…h-have a figure like Megumin’s, Lolisa? M-men don’t like big chests?”

“I mean, in my experience guys generally like whatever kind of boobs they can get their hands on, but if you make them too big it looks unnatural and it’s a big turn-off. You two are both fine, don’t worry,” Lolisa said dismissively. “I look like this because it’s my natural figure. Sort of.”

“Enough! We need a better plan, because that one didn’t work!” Megumin snarled. “Some sort of way to prove my superiority and win Kazuma over for good! We are here at this bar to plot victory, not argue about boobs!”

Before they continued, the waitress came over. “Three banana fudge specials! Enjoy your treats!”

Megumin eagerly dug into her food, smearing ice cream and chocolate on her nose, while Yunyun ate far more daintily. Lolisa was a bit more exploratory, savoring each bite as though she’d never had ice cream before. Which, as a succubus, was sort of true.

“Mmm! It takes like a cleric’s soul!” Lolisa said, licking her lips happily.

“Hmph. We should have had wine and cheese to plot our revenge,” Megumin grumbled, running her finger along the inside of her bowl and licking off the remains.

“B-but they won’t let us into the real bars, w-we’re too young,” Yunyun pointed out. “Y-you don’t even really like wine and cheese.”

“I do too! I just like ice cream better,” Megumin said, completely contradicting her earlier statement, then trying to use her spoon to steal some of Yunyun’s.

“H-Hey! It’s already my treat! D-don’t steal!”

“You can have some of mine, when I try to eat too much mortal food it gives me indigestion,” Lolisa said, scooting her still mostly intact sundae towards Megumin, who eagerly helped her devour it.

Once the ice cream was gone, Megumin slammed her fist onto the table. “Right! How do we claim victory and- Ah! Yunyun! Stop it!”

“You’ve got i-ice cream on your face,” Yunyun said, gently dabbing at Megumin’s nose with her napkin. “T-there. Ok. So, um, now what?”

“Well, I did ask Chomusuke about sealing Wolbach back inside her, but she refused on the grounds that Wolbach is just a regular elf or something now. So, I think the only proper course is to show that my mastery of Explosion Magic is far superior to Wolbach’s! Once she recognizes that I am the TRUE mistress of Explosion Magic, she will bow before me, and relinquish Kazuma as my prize!” Megumin declared.

Lolisa and Yunyun shared an exasperated glance. “Megumin, I don’t think-”

“Of course you don’t! That’s why I’m the one who comes up with the plans! Now, here’s what we’re going to do…”

Sitting down at the kitchen table, Kazuma looked across at Wolbach, who was blushing and looking back at him. He’d always thought he was more into the little sister types, but there was just something about a mature woman that was different than a little girl. He didn’t feel like he had to babysit Wolbach, instead, she felt like someone he could actually go to with problems and get help and support, instead of being a problem child.

“So, uh, where do we go from here?” Kazuma said.

Wolbach shrugged, then reached out her hand towards Kazuma, which he took. “I don’t know. I’ve never taken a lover before, not in all my long life. But this feels…nice. You’re a pervert, but I kind of like it. And, well, you’re far from boring. Just lazy and destructive enough to be interesting.”

“Thanks, I guess?” Kazuma wasn’t sure how he felt about being called lazy, but then again Wolbach had been the goddess of sloth and destruction so maybe that sort of thing appealed to her. “So, what about…you know…”

“Well…we did do it in a dream…so, perhaps…” Wolbach's fingers tightened, and Kazuma felt his heart begin to race.

Which was why he swore so loudly when the alarm siren went off. “EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! ALL ADVENTURERS REPORT TO THE ADVENTURERS GUILD IMMEDIATELY! EMERGENCY!”

“We could just ignore it,” Kazuma grumbled, putting a finger in his ear and wiggling it as his head still rang.

“Yes, but they’re liable to keep doing that all day if we don’t go in and get them to shut it up. Besides,” Wolbach grinned in a distinctly predatory manner. “I think violence makes me eager now.”

“Well why didn’t you say so? Let’s go kill something!” Kazuma said, hastily strapping on his belt. He looked down at Chunchumaru, frowning. Did he need a bigger sword?

“Don’t worry, I have the firepower. You just hold them still for me,” Wolbach said, biting at Kazuma’s ear and making him yip in surprise. “Come on. Hopefully it’s something more interesting than a bunch of vegetables this time.”

A short time later, they arrived at the bustling Adventurer’s Guild, where Aqua waved them over to where she and Darkness were already waiting. “Kazuma, Kazuma! There’s a big quest! We could get a huge reward for more bubbly!”

“What happened to all your money you got from your ‘girls’ night’ with Wiz and Wolbach?” Kazuma asked.

Aqua puffed out her chest proudly. “You’ll be amazed by this, Kazuma! For once, I didn’t blow it all on bubbly or snacks! No sir! I invested it, for I am a wise goddess!”

Kazuma could already feel his spirits sinking. He knew where this was going, but he had to ask. “And…just what, exactly, did you invest it in? Not another chicken egg…”

“I told you, Emperor Zel is a proud dragon! No, I had an even better idea! I invested it into Wiz’s Shop! Just like you did with Vanir and your weird inventions, I’ll see a huge return on my money and owowowowow! W-wolbach, Kazuma, stop pinching my cheeks! That hurts!”

“Aqua, sweetie, I love Wiz like a sister but she has about as much sense with money as you do,” Wolbach sighed.

“You useless goddess! Giving money to that lich is like pouring wine into the toilet! What was she even going to spend it on!?”

Aqua rubbed her cheeks, glaring at Kazuma and Wolbach in turn. “For your information, it’s a super great product I helped her design! You see, Axis Brand Edible soap has always been popular for being both nutritious and a great way to clean yourself! So, we came up with edible toilet paper! Perfect for a quick snack, or cleaning yourself on an adventure! Neither of us uses toilet paper ourselves, so I was getting Darkness to be our test subject but she won’t do it!”

“Even I am not into that sort of degradation,” Darkness muttered, shuddering slightly.

Just then, a red-faced and panting Megumin ran up to them, Yunyun trailing along behind her and blowing hard as well. “I have arrived! I see my former pet has dragged herself here as well. Do you truly think you can best me today in this quest?”

“Hello, Megumin,” Wolbach said, sighting. “I don’t even know what we’re up against, so let’s just wait and listen first.”

“Mwahaha! Fool, my chosen servant far outstrips you,” Chomusuke bragged, poking her head up from under Megumin’s hat. “You, boy, will have no choice but to return to worshiping me!”

Kazuma just rolled his eyes, then turned as Luna stood up on one of the tables, waving her hands for silence and attention. After a few moments, she got it and explained the situation. “The Kowloon Hydra has woken up, several years earlier than we had anticipated! Somehow, a massive surge of mana accelerated its awakening, and it started to rampage. If something isn’t =done soon, it could destroy the mackerel harvest!”

There were disturbed mutters from the Adventurers, as the locally grown mackerel were one of the cheaper sources of food, and thus a mainstay of their diet.

“I PROPOSE A CHALLENGE!” Megumin shouted, jumping up on her own table and raising her staff aloft. “The hydra is a superior foe, one that can absorb weak blows and heal them instantly! Only a TRUE master of magic could slay the hydra, putting it to rest in a single blow.”

“Uh, that’s why I called for all of you?” Luna said, looking confused. “I’m not sure-”

“THEREFORE! Let those who wield Explosion Magic step forth! We shall have a contest!” Megumin said, grinning madly as she slapped on an eye patch.

Everyone in the guild stepped back, and Megumin smiled as her opponent was revealed. Then started frowning in irritation.

“M-me?” Wiz stammered, almost dropping the case of potions she’d been trying to distribute. “Oh, no, I couldn’t! I don’t really go Adventuring like that anymore, and I have a new product to develop…”

“I didn’t mean HER!” Megumin ranted, pointing her staff at Wolbach. “I meant HER!”

A horrible premonition started to gnaw at Kazuma’s conscience, and he began to feel the pressing need to be anywhere else. Had Megumin seriously revived some sort of cataclysmic monster just for a stupid duel?

However, Wolbach stepped forward, nodding. “Very well. When we first met, you were but the apprentice, and I the master. Let us see how far you have walked along your Path, Megumin, and if the mantle of Goddess of Destruction truly belongs to you now.”

“Uh, that’s not really what this is about…but if one of you can kill the hydra in a single blow, I guess you can have the bounty,” Luna said with a shrug. “As long as the mackerel harvest survives, I don’t particularly care.”

“Yeah, uh, we just realized…we have somewhere else to be,” one of the other party leaders said, and everyone scrambled for the door, with mutters of  “Another crazy explosion girl?!” and “Did you see the knockers on that one!?”

The Adventurer’s Guild was soon cleared out, and Megumin looked down on Wolbach smugly. “Well, shall we proceed, with the true bounty as the prize?”

“Yes, let’s. Wiz, why don’t you come along, to serve as a measuring stick for us? We can make it a picnic,” Wolbach suggested.

“Oh…well, I suppose.” Wiz suddenly brightened. “We could pick some fresh mackerel, and I can show you my recipe for fish cakes!”

“I like fish cakes!” Aqua agreed happily.

“And I shall distract the hydra for you all, keeping it in place why you have your contest!” Darkness said, shuddering and hugging herself at the thought of such a brutal monster.

In the end, they all set out, with Kazuma falling back to talk to Megumin once they were out of earshot from the town gates. “Did you seriously unleash the hydra just for this stupid contest!? You’ve done some crazy things, but this takes the cake!”

“Hmph. You should be flattered that I am willing to go to such extremes for a contest where you are the prize,” Megumin said, sticking her nose up in the air.

“I’m what?!”

“Obviously, once I prove that I am indeed the true Mistress of Explosion Magic, you will return to court me as is proper instead of wasting your time with the overly developed floozy that was once my mentor.”

Kazuma looked at Megumin like she was insane for a moment, then hastily jogged back to Wolbach. “Did you seriously agree to a contest with me as a prize?!”

“Huh?” Wolbach lowered the cranberry scone Wiz had just given her and gave Kazuma a baffled look. “Why would I do that? I mean, I’ve seen mortals hold contests for marriage before, but I always thought it was silly.”

“Then you didn’t realize that Megumin sees this as a way to steal me away from you!?”

“Why would she-” Wolbach shook her head. “Never mind. Of course she would. Hmph. Well, would you pick her over me if she has a better Explosion spell than me?”

“Why would you even ask!? That’s- uh. Well, OK, that’s exactly how I sort of thought it worked with girls before, but…”

“So, you’d rather be with me, even if Megumin is pining for you?” Wolbach teased.

“You’re not the one obsessed with a gag spell,” Kazuma muttered.

“It is NOT a gag spell. Explosion is a wonderful spell. So destructive,” Wolbach looked off dreamily for a moment, then sighed. “Well, I suppose we’ll have to think of a way to talk Megumin out of it. I was just going to pass on my mantle to her and let her be the new Goddess of Destruction.”

“You can do that?” Kazuma asked curiously

Wolbach grinned evilly. “Well, I could get my other half to put a stake in. Goddess or not, she’s still just a cat. Then, if either Megumin or I won, we’d get the divine mantle. I had planned on sandbagging, but…”

“Hmm. I think…I think I have an idea about that,” Kazuma mused. “Do you trust me?”

Wolbach nodded, and Kazuma laid out his plan.

They arrived at the site of the Kowloon Hydra’s devastation not long after, with several fields of mackerel already stripped bare. Half-grown fish flopped feebly in the trampled soil, and the land was withered from having its mana drained to power the hydra. In the distance, they could still see the hydra raging, and Megumin laid out the plan.

“Right, Darkness, you shall lure the hydra within our range.”

“I like this plan!” Darkness said eagerly, drooling slightly as she watched the hydra in the distance devastated another field.

Megumin continued. “Then, as the weakest here, Wiz shall go first, to show what an average Explosion looks like.”

“I’m not weak though,” Wiz said, sounding offended. “And I think my Explosion is rather above average…I am a high-level caster you know…”

“Then, Wolbach shall go next. If she manages to slay the hydra in one hit, then she can claim victory,” Megumin decreed.

“What if Wiz kills it though?” Kazuma asked, finding an obvious hole in the plan.

“Pfff, as if her half-hearted Explosion could ever hope to slay such a beast in one hit,” Megumin scoffed.

Wiz started to cry, and Aqua of all people patted her on the back in consolation.

“Then, I shall fire off my legendary Explosion, slaying the Hydra and proving I am the greatest Archwizard of all time, and claiming Kazuma as my boyfriend!”

“Um, w-what if you don’t kill the hydra though, or it runs away?” Yunyun asked.

“That is obviously impossible. But I suppose you can finish it off or something with your boring regular magic,” Megumin said dismissively.

“Uh, why am I here again?” Lolisa asked, looking nervously at Aqua and Wolbach both.

“Because you shall cast the love spell that shall bind the destinies of Kazuma and myself together!” Megumin said loftily.

“Can you do that?” Kazuma whispered to Lolisa.

“Uh, I think I could probably make you two really horny at the same time, but, well, Love is a good emotion and I’m a demon, so it’s a no-go,” Lolisa admitted softly. “I’m kinda getting nervous, it was bad enough with one goddess around, but Aqua’s just so scary…Though, uh, I’ve never seen a goddess try to comfort a lich before…”

Aqua was currently rubbing Wiz’s back and handing her some of the edible toilet paper, which was dissolving as Wiz cried into it.

“Hold on to plan Horny for later,” Wolbach whispered, making Lolisa jump in fright and Kazuma blush. “You’re kinda odd for a succubus, aren’t you?”

“I, um…well…I’m not very good at my job…Becky says I should stop playing with my food, but…uh…I’ve sorta gone vegetarian I guess,” Lolisa admitted uncomfortably.

“Good girl,” Wolbach said, petting Lolisa on the head. “Keep it up and they’ll be a reward for you, if you help my plan.” Then she stood up and raised her voice. “I accept, on one condition! We put the title and mantle of Goddess of Destruction on the line!”

“That title is not yours to give!” Chomusuke spat, from where she was now riding on Yunyun’s shoulder. “I will reclaim the boy as my minion! He should pay attention to me and my needs!”

“I’ll offer him for unlimited belly rubs and feeding sessions for you if you throw in the mantle,” Wolbach said sweetly.

Kazuma shrugged. It wasn’t like he didn’t have to feed the damn cat sometimes anyway.

“Ha! Fool, my servant will easily best you! Agreed!” Chomusuke declared. “Now, let us begin! Forward, yellow one! But, first, give me the freshest mackerel! I hunger!”

Darkness set off to lure over the hydra, while Chomusuke happily snacked on a mackerel Kazuma brushed the dirt off of and gave to the cat. After a few minutes, Darkness managed to get the hydra’s attention. And, after she let the hydra pound and toss her around a bit, Darkness did her job and lured it in close enough for Wiz’s spell.

“You can do it, Wiz! Show up that dumb has-been and Megumin! You’re the Ice Witch! You’re strong, and you don’t take no crap off of nobody!” Aqua encouraged.

“Just like that toilet paper,” Kazuma remarked.

Wiz nodded tearfully and raised her hands.

“O Sacred Powers of the world, heed my call!

Once more, I bind the eternal void to my hand,

Burning Crimson, upon my foes do fall

Darkness Eternal, sweep through the land!

EXPLOSION!”

A massive blast hit the hydra, and Darkness shrieked happily as she was hit by the shockwave, spreading her arms wide in delight. However, the hydra roared in anger moments later. Two of its many heads had been blasted away, but they began to regrow as it turned towards the new threat.

“Not bad, Wiz. That was an excellent spell,” Wolbach said, patting her on the shoulder. “But let me show you how the one who authored it meant for it to be cast.”

Closing her eyes, Wolbach put her two hands close together to form a pyramid as she began to cast.

Power beyond the twilight

and crimson blood that flows,

Buried in the stream of time

is where your power grows,

I pledge myself to conquer,

all the foes who stand

Before the mighty gift bestowed,

in my unworthy hand

EXPLOSION!

The blast this time was even larger, flatting the hydra and sending a whooping Darkness sailing through the sky to land in a clatter a dozen yards behind them. Kazuma ran over along with Aqua, but the pervy crusader was just moaning and shuddering softly.

“S-so good…I-I’m at my limit! J-just a little more! Mmm, Kazuma would you-”

“No, definitely not,” Kazuma said, standing in disgust. “Just heal her in case we need her again.”

“There will be no need,” Megumin said, nodding to Yunyun. The other girl sighed, and with a quick chant, a stiff breeze began to flow, causing Megumin’s cape to flutter in the breeze dramatically.

“I think it’s dead,” Kazuma said, stepping forward and wincing. He hurried back to Wolbach, who was on one knee and panting hard. He helped her to rise and whispered, “You did hold back, right?”

“No. I realized something. If I did, this is pointless. I’ll still have you, but I can’t let the kid win if I do this half-baked. Sorry,” Wolbach said, smiling at Kazuma sheepishly as she leaned on him. “Besides…even with my best shot…”

The hydra roared, rearing up out of the smoke. More than half of its heads were dead this time, but there were still plenty left, and it was already regenerating. Megumin looked up, a smile on her face.

“Yes. Let it come to this!”

“Megumin, Megumin quickly, before it heals!” Kazuma shouted.

“No,” Megumin said, tilting her hat down. “I’ll show you all my true power.”

The heads finished healing, and the hydra began to charge. Even as Kazuma tried to drag Wolbach away, Megumin raised her staff.

"I who am blacker than darkness,
Who has power deeper than the night!
Hear me, for I am Destruction Incarnate!
The Power of the gods is mine to grasp!
I call upon my power,
And raise my staff on high!:
So all those in equal measure--
Fools that they are to block my path--
Shall face destruction unconstrained
Witness my beauty and power unforetold!

EXPLOSION!”

This time, Kazuma had to duck down and hug Wolbach tightly, both of them desperately clinging to one another as a massive blast tore at sky and earth, and flung it all asunder. Aqua even had to desperately throw up a defensive barrier as pure destructive force washed over them, as Megumin cackled madly.

Then, it was over. When they all looked up, blinking against the dust and smoke filling the air, they saw what was left of the hydra. All its heads were gone, completely destroyed, and the body blown fully in half, with a huge chunk missing. Of course, all the mackerel fields were devastated as well, more thoroughly wiped clean than if a dozen hydras had rampaged through them.

Megumin lay on the ground with Yunyun and Lolisa hovering over her frantically, her eyes closed as if in death.

“Lift her up,” Wolbach croaked, and they did, Megumin still gray and pale.

“Is she…is she alright?” Kazuma asked, feeling dread gnaw at him.

Then Megumin’s eyes popped open. “Did you see!? Did you see that!? That was my most glorious and wonderful Explosion yet! I put everything I had into it! That was far superior to anything anyone has ever done, before or since! I am truly the Mistress of Explosion Magic!”

Wolbach nodded. “You are. You’ve surpassed me in every way. And now…you’re the true goddess of Destruction. Isn’t she, Chomusuke?”

The cat froze, having been in the process of slinking off. “Well, ah, you see, I’m the true goddess of Destruction, so-”

“You promised. And a goddess must keep her word,” Wolbach said with a wide grin. “Plus…I think Kazuma’s ready. How was that fish, by the way?”

“It was…good, I…No! No, you can’t…I…” Chomusuke fell over, snoring softly, the sleeping drug Kazuma had put on the fish kicking in.

“Right. Last time,” Kazuma said, picking up Chomusuke in one hand, and putting the other on Megumin. Wolbach drew a rune on the forehead of each, and Kazuma began his spell. “Drain Touch.”

Megumin gasped, then bucked in Yunyun and Lolisa’s grip, screaming as power filled her.

“Ahhh! Kazuma, w-what are you doing?!” Yunyun cried.

“She’s just being dramatic,” Kazuma grunted. “This doesn’t hurt at all.”

“POWER…SURGING!!!” Megumin bellowed, and jumped to her feet. She looked down at her hands, which were glowing softly. Her hair had changed colors, going from black to dark red, and runes danced across her skin. Her pupils were now black crosses instead of circles, and she was even several centimeters taller. “AH-HA-HA-HA! THIS IS THE POWER OF A GODDESS!”

“Hey, wait, no fair! What did you do?!” Aqua said, striding over and frowning at Megumin. “She’s achieved Apotheosis! I didn’t approve this!”

“He-he-he! Now who’s the real goddess,” Megumin said, poking Aqua in her breast and making her gasp in outrage. “Now I am…I am…” Megumin felt at her chest, and her expression fell: She was as flat as ever.

“THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!” Megumin bellowed, throwing her hat on the ground and stomping on it in anger. “I become the Goddess of Destruction and I don’t go up a cupsize!? I embarked on this path because I wanted to be a powerful mage with a powerful body like Wolbach! She’s not even a goddess anymore and she’s still huge!”

“Uh, I hate to tell you this, but being a goddess doesn’t determine how big your boobs are,” Wolbach said, sounding as though she was fighting back laughter. “Just ask Eris.”

“She pads,” Aqua said darkly.

“Grrr!” Megumin clenched her fists, then sighed. “Well, I won. So now Kazuma has to be my boyfriend.”

“Actually…here’s the thing,” Wolbach bent,  picking up Megumin’s hat and dusting it off. “The only reason I can have Kazuma as a lover is because I’m not a goddess any more. Our power…well, it comes at a price. If you do take a mortal man as a lover, that’s it. No more divine power. Poof. All gone.”

“What?! B-but…but this can make my Explosions even more powerful, right!?” Megumin demanded.

Wolbach nodded. “Back when I was a goddess, that Explosion you just created? That would have been one of my smaller ones. Now? Well, you saw. Even a mortal can outdo me. Just think how big yours would be now that you have a divine mantle…”

“Hmmm…” Megumin considered this, then gave Kazuma a sorrowful look. She stepped forward, kissing him lightly on the lips and making him jump in shock. Then she stepped back, looking teary eyed but stoic. “I’m sorry, Kazuma. Our love was never meant to be. I have to choose between my two great loves…and I’m afraid…I’m afraid I just love Explosions more.”

“I, uh, I know. It’s alright. I’ll…find a way to soldier on,” Kazuma said, trying not to roll his eyes.

“Very well.” Megumin nodded, then raised her staff. “Come, my minions! Onward to glory! I have a religion to found, and a Devil King to destroy!”

“Uh, I’ll just, er, stay here, then,” Lolisa said, giving Megumin a nervous wave. “Since, uh, you know, goddess, demon…it would never work out…”

“Nonsense! You’ll be my herald of Destruction!” Megumin put a hand on Lolisa, which made the demon squeak, then gasp as a burning halo formed over her head, and red wings sprouted from her back. “You can be an angel of destruction instead of a dumb succubus! Now come on!”

“Uh, OK. Do, er…do you think Dust would like my wings better now?” Lolisa asked, trailing after Megumin.

“Even better, I’ll teach you how to Cast Explosion and you can really win him over!”

As they walked off, Aqua hurrying up to start to lecture Megumin about how she was still just a junior goddess, Yunyun came over to Wolbach.

“Um, so…goddesses…can they still have friends?” she asked nervously.

“Of course. And,” Wolbach leaned in close and whispered, “There’s a bit of a loop hole on the whole lovers thing. Just ask Artemis about her ‘hunters’ and what that’s really about.”

“Uh, sure, OK!” Yunyun nodded, clearly not understanding, and hurried off after Megumin.

Wiz and Darkness wandered after them, and that left Kazuma and Wolbach alone in a field of devastation, the corpse of the hydra behind them.

“So, uh, what about us?” Kazuma asked.

“Well,” Wolbach said, tracing a finger over Kazuma’s chest. “I was right. Violence does make me horny.”

“Really!?”

“Yes…but I also really don’t want to do it here. Let’s just go back to the mansion, and we’ll see about that whole lovers thing,” Wolbach teased.

They raced back to the mansion as fast as they could, losing their clothes even before they made it to the bedroom. It turned out, some things were even more fun in person than in a dream, though neither of them had a clear idea of what they were doing and they mostly made an unsatisfactory mess.

“I think I love you, you know,” Wolbach said, kissing Kazuma tenderly as they lay together, hot and sweaty on top of the covers.

“I think I love you too,” Kazuma sighed.

“Well, I hope your love can survive poverty, because when I’m done with you, both of you won’t have an eris between you!”

Kazuma and Wolbach yelped and sat up in bed, trying to cover themselves as a red faced Luna stalked forward.

“L-Luna! What are you-”

“Kazuma, what did I tell your party to do?” Luna asked sweetly, fury burning in her eyes.

“To, uh, to destroy the hydra?” Kazuma ventured.

Luna picked up a discarded blanket and tossed it at them. “No, I said to save the mackerel harvest. Putting the hydra back to sleep or driving it off would have been enough. BUT WHAT DID YOU DO!?”

“Uh, technically, that was Megumin,” Wolbach said, raising a hand in protest.

“Megumin just skipped town. And she was broke anyway. But you two? You have assets I can repossess. Right boys, everything but the clothes on their back!” Luna yelled.

“But we’re naked!” Kazuma and Wolbach wailed.

They ended up being able to salvage one outfit each, but everything else was stripped bare. They were even tossed out of the mansion, as Luna pressured the owner into “punishing” the two of them.

Dejectedly, Kazuma and Wolbach sat beside the road, huddled together as their earthly possessions were carted away.

“I…I still love you,” Wolbach said quietly, taking Kazuma’s hand. “We can make it together, somehow.”

“Yeah. I…if I do have to start over…I’m glad it’s with you,” Kazuma agreed. They held hands and kissed, even as the kotatsu was hauled away, the last thing they owned.

“Well! That should cover part of your debt,” Luna said brightly, coming up to them. “Now. I’m not letting a powerful archmage with an actual head on her shoulders or Kazuma out of my hands. I have a BIG backlog of quests.”

“Oh piss off!” Kazuma snapped.

“You’ve taken enough from us, why should we work for you!?” Wolbach demanded.

Luna smiled sweetly, and held up a key. “Because I have a small shack you two can stay in, and if you agree to work off your debt, I won’t garnish your wages too badly. It’s that, or I sell you both into slavery in El Road and rid myself of you forever!”

Kazuma and Wolbach exchanged startled glances, then bowed to Luna. “We’ll take the shack!”

A short time later, they found themselves alone in a barebones shack down by the river. The bed in the corner wasn’t much more than a pile of clean straw and some blankets, and the floor was hard packed earth. The walls at least kept the wind out, though there were a few cracks that Kazuma knew he’d end up having to repair before winter came. There were a few chipped clay mugs and some wooden plates, but not much else.

“From a goddess, reduced to this,” Wolbach sighed, looking around the room.

“Yeah, uh…not exactly what I had planned either,” Kazuma admitted. He grimaced when he found the “toilet” which was an old wooden bucket.

“I’d say we should skip town too, but…I’m not exactly in the mood for another long trip,” Wolbach said. She gave Kazuma half a smile. “Well, I guess we can try and improve it a little, right?”

It turned out the various skills Kazuma had picked up as a part-time construction worker came in handy, and his old boss was all too happy to give him some cast off materials in exchange for a few days of work. By the end of the week, he’d patched all the holes, made a couple of stools and a small table, and even a decent bed. Wolbach provided the bedding, having taken a quest to go kill some Sheep In Wolf’s Clothing. Because of course, sheep were actually deadly carnivores that dressed up like wolves, infiltrated packs, and slaughtered all the wolves.

“That doesn’t look too bad, does it?” Kazuma said, looking proudly at his new handiwork. The bed was just leftover wood, and it was only about the size of a twin, but it beat sleeping on straw.

“Yeah, it’s not bad,” Wolbach agreed. Then she grinned at him. “Help me test it out?”

The bed turned out to be sturdy enough, and over the coming weeks it got enough use that Wolbach ended up pregnant. Not even Luna was cruel enough to garnish their wages then, though Kazuma had started to suspect she was keeping Wolbach around as an “emergency button” to press whenever she had a quest that was too hard for the average adventurer.

They heard stories about the new Goddess of Destruction, Megumin, and her “followers” defeating the rest of the Devil King’s generals, and around the time Kazuma and Wolbach’s first child was born, the Devil King was defeated by a Explosion of such magnitutde that they felt it in Axel.

A week later, Megumin returned, triumphant and loaded with the spoils of victory. Which wasn’t much, as she’d blown up most of them.

“Bwa-ha-ha! I have returned, mortal fools!” Megumin bragged, striding into the Guild hallwith a fancy new cloak and hat, along with a new staff and some gold jewelry. She paused when she saw Kazuma and Wolbach sitting in a corner, a two month old baby in Kazuma’s arms.

“Well it’s about time!” Kazuma said. “Come over and meet Sato Jr.”

“You had a kid!?” Aqua popped up, looking delighted, and raced over, taking the baby from Kazuma’s arms. He wanted to stop her at first, but the baby was soon giggling as Aqua cooed over it. Apparently, she was good with kids.

“Wait, why are you still here?” Wolbach said, frowning at Aqua.

“What do you mean? I had to come say hi to you guys, and this is where they serve the best bubbly in Belzerg!” Aqua said, looking up as Megumin sat down, Yunyun and Lolisa going over to put in their order.

“But you defeated the Devil King, right?” Kazuma said. “So, aren’t you, you know…free?”

“Yeah, that’s why I’m taking a vacation! I’ll do some adventuring later. Right now, I deserve a break!” Aqua decreed.

Kazuma and Wolbach shared a look. Apparently, Aqua had forgotten she was allowed back into Heaven now. Or just didn’t care. “Right. Where’s Darkness?”

“Oh, she met a Black Knight, they’re off in Elroad fighting dragons or something. He’s all intimidating and stuff but Humphry is a real sweetheart really,” Aqua said with a shrug. She was rocking the baby now, and Junior was rapidly falling asleep. “Darkness is into it though.”

“Enough about that, Kazuma, have you seen my truly amazing Explosions now!?” Megumin demanded. “Now that I am a true goddess, and have converted the Crimson Demon Clan to my religion, I can make Explosions that surpass the bonds of reality!”

“That’s nice. It’s good to see you again though, Megumin. It was a little quiet around here without you,” Kazuma said.

“Yes, and there’s something we need to talk about,” Wolbach agreed.

“Oh, what’s that?” Megumin asked.

Kazuma and Wolbach grabbed Megumin at the same time, and began peeling off her jewelry.

“Ow! Hey, that’s mine, stop it!” What are you doing?!”

“You still owe us for that Mackerel Harvest you destroyed!” Kazuma ranted. “We have to live in a stupid hut! Luna takes half our wages most of the time!”

“I could have lived a life of luxury if I wasn’t in debt up to my pointy ears because of that stupid contest!” Wolbach snarled, ripping a golden bangle off of Megumin’s arm.

“H-hey, that wasn’t my fault, I-”

“Oh, Megumin,” Luna purred, appearing behind her and making them all freeze. She held up a bill. “I’ve been waiting for you.” She slapped the paper into Megumin’s face. “You’ve been served! You owe me 1,500,000,000 eris!”

“W-what!? But the bounty for killing the Devil King was only 2,000,000,000!” Megumin said, peeling the bill off.

“Then you’ll have 500,000,000 left over,” Luna said firmly. “Pay up.”

“Uh, well, um, there was some…slight property damage along the way,” Megumin admitted. “And the fees for registering a new religion…”

“Plus the fines for egging the Cathedral of Eris,” Lolisa added, coming over with the food and sitting down with Yunyun. Kazuma noticed they were holding hands, and that Lolisa had lost her halo. Well, at least they’d both made a friend. And hadn’t ended up with Dust.

“I-In total, um, Megumin has only 10,000 eris to her name,” Yunyun provided.

“You can help me, right Yunyun!? The Cult of Bakuretsu has funds, doesn’t it!?” Megumin said, kneeling on the floor and clutching the hem of Yunyun’s robe.

“Ah, the church's funds are separate from the goddesses' personal accounts,” Lolisa explained. “We were very careful of that. We can’t be held liable for your or your followers actions.”

“What?! NOOOOO!” Megumin wailed as Luna took the last of her jewelry.

“I’ll just garnish your wages too. Sounds like you have your old party member back, Kazuma!” Luna said brightly, then walked off.

Chomusuke poked her head out from under Megumin’s robes. “I smell food. I demand food!”

Kazuma offered a bit of his fish, and Chomusuke accepted it.

“Looks like we’re right back where we started,” he sighed as Aqua started in on her first bottle.

“Not quite,” Wolbach said, and took his hand. She leaned in close. “I’m pregnant again.”

Kazuma started crying. Tears of joy, of course.

The End.

Author’s Note

There. That’s the Wolbach route done. It only took me seven months.

Patreon Poll for August 2023

I am finally caught up after several months of being ill, so that means POLLS ARE BACK BABY! There’s also a poll on my discord https://discord.gg/Nwumw5gQ that you can vote in as well that’s free and open to everyone. If you do join, make sure to ping me so that I can give you the Patreon role. Note: I have several chapters of The Second Archon War already ready to go, so that one will be getting updates anyway and isn’t on the poll. This is more to give fics some love that wouldn’t be getting updates otherwise. This will be up for one week, so vote early and often!

The Second Archon War: Carmen Die 1

Carmen Die 1: Tales of a Tone Deaf Bard

Trash blew in the wind, and the stink of stale beer and piss filled the air as Capri backed down the alley, brandishing her guitar like it was a weapon instead of an instrument.

“Back the fuck off!” she snarled, pointing her precious baby at the skinheads advancing towards her. That all had the damn pins of the Land and Social Labor Reform party on them, but everyone knew what they really were.

“What’s a gypsy like you doing, thinking you can play at our bar?” one of the Nazi bastards asked, flicking out a knife as he slowly edged towards Capri.

“It’s a free country,” Capri spat, but that only earned her dark laughter from the thugs.

“It’s a free country for the Master Race. Not for you,” the middle punk cackled. By his hairy neck, multiple chins, and pushed in nose with overly large eyes, the only mastering his family had done was of their siblings.

“My friend is waiting for me! When they see I’m not coming, they’ll get you all! We have a gun in the van,” Capri lied. She backed up a little more, and nearly tripped, stumbling against a bundle of rags on the ground.

Then, to her surprise, the rags groaned, and a bit of trash fell away as they stood, empty wine bottles rolling away. “Oh, my head. That hit was harder than I thought.”

“Watch out!” Capri hissed, feeling her stomach drop. Great. Now she had to protect some bum from getting her ass beat or worse.

The lumpy rags stood up, and to Capri’s surprise, turned out to be much cleaner and better dressed than she’d thought. The stranger’s clothes looked fine, if a little worn and travel stained, though they were in good enough repair. They seemed to be hand crafted of all things, looking more like something she’d seen with her HEMA friends than anything else. A green cap with a somewhat bedraggled flower pinned to it, a drooping bow pinned to a white, brown, and green tunic, with green shorts and white hose.

As for the stranger, she had two dark braids with the tips dyed a bluish green, sparkling green eyes, and was rather cute, honestly. There was a glowing green gem at her waist, and she was clutching a lyre of all things.

“Just stay behind me, honey. Don’t worry, I won’t let these assholes get us,” Capri growled, shuffling to keep her poor guitar pointed at the thugs.

“Hey, lookit that, a pretty one,” Right Thug sneered, licking his lips and showing he didn’t have a full set of teeth. “Why don’t you leave the gypsy and come have some fun with us girl?”

“Girl?” the stranger laughed, and plucked a few notes on his? instrument. “Why, don’t you recognize me? I am the most famous bard in all of Mondstat, or so I like to think.”

“The fuck is Mondstat?” Left Thug growled, prompting a discordant twang from the stranger. “Wait…are you a boy?’

“Doesn’t matter if they’re a boy or girl. They’re pretty, and with their lips around your-”

“Gentlemen, gentlemen! While all are free to love as they please, really, don’t you think you’re being too aggressive? Why, by her posture here, I would think this lady has no interest in your affections.” The stranger pinched their nose, and made a face. “And by your odor, I don’t think I’d be interested either.”

“She’s not a lady, she’s a fucking gypsy bitch! And you’ll shut the fuck up and ally with your race if you know what’s good for you!” Center Thug snarled.

“Hmm.” The stranger turned to Capri and sighed. “Well, I’d hate for a fellow musician to damage their instrument, so why don’t you let me handle these three?”

“Uh, I don’t think-” Capri began, but the stranger strummed a merry tune, and sasshayed between her and the nazis.

“Well boys, if you’re going to insist that we play, I suppose I can take all three of you at once. You’re big strong men, right? You can take little ol’ me!”

With a snarl, the center thug attacked, slashing artlessly with his knife for his opponent's face, only for the stranger to lean back and to the side. Somehow, their legs got tangled, and the thug ended on the ground with the stranger stumbling away.

“Ehe, oops! Clumsy me! Well, I don’t suppose-”

“Fuck you, twink!” the right one growled and swung, even as his buddy brought out a gun.

“Watch out! He’s got a-” Capri shouted, but what happened next was almost too odd to believe.

The wind picked up again, and a greasy old food wrapper blew up into the gunman’s face. He fired wildly, and the ricochet hit him in his own leg, sending him down to the dirt with his friend. The last thug advanced, throwing punches, and the stranger backed away, looking frightened.

“Ha! I’ll fuck you and the gypsy bitch both!” the man snarled.

“Dear me, I can’t help but wonder what happened to the friendly people of Mondstadt! If Jean caught you using such language, you’d be in real trouble!” the stranger laughed.

“What the fuck are you-OOOF!”

The man had launched another haymaker the stranger had avoided, leaving him off balance. Which was when the stranger’s leg shot up, right between the bastard’s legs. He folded like a cheap plastic chair, and lay on the ground, moaning with his friends.

“Oh my, you seem injured. Let’s just help you with that,” the stranger said, ripping off the moaning thug’s jacket, then using it to expertly bind the wound. “There you go! Well, I hope you’ve all learned a valuable lesson. Come, my new friend! Adventure awaits!”

Capri gingerly stepped over the men, keeping her guitar high and out of danger. The three idiots just lay there moaning, and she hastened to catch up to the stranger, who had wandered out into the road, and was looking around.

“Well, I don’t remember this place. I must have sold that punch from Rosalyne better than I thought! Hmm, I don’t think this is Mondstadt at all,” the stranger mused, gazing up at a flickering streetlight.

“Uh, no, this is Munich. I’m not sure where Mondstadt is,” Capri said, glancing behind her again to make sure they weren’t followed. “Thanks for saving me back there. My partner is down sick and, well…they cornered me. I’m Capri Lakatos.”

“Not a problem, not a problem! You can call me Venti, the most Famous Bard in all the land!” This was followed with a flourishing bow, and a saucy grin and wink.

“You’re…not from around here, are you. Do you work in a show or something?” Capri asked, frowning. She was pretty sure Venti was a man, but, honestly, it was sort of hard to tell.

“Why, wherever I go the most splendid show of all is performed! I know every song, every verse, every tale upon the wind!” Venti bragged, strumming the lyre in time with the words.

A car roared past them, splashing some of the cold water from the gutter onto them. Venti froze, watching the car come and go, his jaw open slightly. He closed it slowly, and lowered his lyre, putting a hand to his head.

“Hey, are you OK?” Capri asked, hurrying over. “You said you got hit? Did you take a blow to the head?”

“Yes, I think I did,” Venti muttered, putting a hand to their head. “Uh, you did see a horseless carriage just race by here, right? It wasn’t just me?”

“You really did take a blow to your head,” Capri sighed. She glanced at the bar to her left and grimaced. She didn’t really want to go back in there, but… “Come on, let’s sit you down. Hopefully you don’t have a concussion, but if you do we’ll call an ambulance.”

Venti let Capri guide them into the bar, which was a somewhat seedy place, but it had been a paying gig. The bartender saw her and raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything as she sat Venti down at the bar. The stranger was looking around, eyes open wide, mouth hanging slightly agape.

“What’ll it be?” the bartender growled.

“I…I need a drink,” Venti said, closing their eyes as if they were in pain.

“Just water,” Capri said to the bartender.

“No, something much stronger. Two beers,” Venti said, holding up two fingers.

“I’ll just have water,” Capri sighed.

Venti opened one eye, and gave her another saucy grin. “I’m having two beers, I don’t know what you’re having.”

“Har har,” Capri said, rolling her eyes, but the bartender, Stefan, just nodded.

“What kind? We’ve got this on top,” he gestured to the wide board, then to the bottles on display. “That also.”

“As a man of wealth and taste…I’ll take your cheapest kind,” Venti said, batting his eyes. Well, at least Capri was pretty sure Venti was male now.

The bartender grunted, and poured two half liters from the tap, and set them in front of Venti. The rate at which they vanished into Venti was astonishing, and she shook her head. “If you’re actually hurt, you shouldn’t be drinking like that.”

“Nonsense! I find that when you’re hurt, drinking is the best way to forget about it!” Venti laughed. “Another!” Taking his third beer, Venti looked around the room, eyes hooded. He watched the TV for a bit, which was showing the evening news, some local interest stories and the weather.

“So…seems like it will be rainy the next few days, a bit cold too,” Venti commented, sipping his beer.

“It’s fall. Always like that,” Stefan grunted. The bar was mostly empty now, people had cleared out when it looked like a fight was going to happen. Capri thought about going up to finish her set, but no one seemed to care and Stefan wasn’t complaining.

“Ah, but it’s cold in the winters as the wind blows, you have to have enough firewood, right?” Venti mused.

“If you live like a bumpkin, maybe,” Stefan said with a snort. “I use gas, like sensible people.”

“Costs are going up with the Red Gauntlet taking over some of the wells,” Capri said, shaking her head. “The price of petrol is too high these days.”

“Really? What’s it up to?” Venti asked.

“Last I checked, one and a half marks a liter. Gas is too much as well. My bill was 93 marks this month,” Stefan muttered. “Got to do something about the prices. It’s too high.”

“Makes you wish you had a pyro vision, doesn’t it?” Venti sighed with a shake of his head.

Capri and Stefan both wrinkled their brows. “A what?”

“Oh, you know, a way to make heat on your own,” Venti said with a casual wave of his hand. He drew out his green bauble and set it on the counter. “Like this, only red.”

“What is it?” Capri asked, frowning at the thing.

Stefan, however, paled and took a step back. “I do not want trouble. That is tinkertech, yes?”

“No, no, just an anemo vision!” Venti laughed.

“It looks like the thing those electrical capes carry around,” Stefan said, sounding uncertain.

“No, those are purple. And besides, it’s not tinkertech. It’s just something that gives them their powers or whatever,” Capri said, shaking her head. She peered most closely at Venti’s ornament, and saw that there were swirls within it, as if a wind was blowing inside. “What is it, a lava lamp or something?”

“Ah, just something pretty to look at, like me!” Venti laughed, and made it disappear. For a moment though, Capri thought he looked rather disturbed.

“You really don’t look so good. Should I call an ambulance?” Capri asked uncertainly. “Or a cab? Can you get home?”

“I…well, I was staying at the Angel’s Share, but I don’t suppose you know where that is, do you?” Venti asked, sounding amused.

“Angel’s Share? What is that, a church?” Capri asked.

Stefan snorted, apparently having decided that Venti wasn’t a cape. “Only fools visit the churches now. What good did they do when Cologne was destroyed?”

“Prayer makes some people feel better, besides, you never know when the gods are listening,” Venti said with a shrug.

“Gods? You’re not one of those pagans, are you?” Capri sighed, rolling her eyes. “Or worse, one of those Japanophile nutjobs.”

“God is dead, and has been for some time. If we want to save ourselves, we have to be strong. Reclaim our land,” Stefan growled.

Capri glared at him. “Oh, so is that why those bastards were hanging out here?”

Stefan shrugged. “They drink, they talk. They pay. The boss didn’t think about hiring a gypsy musician. Me? I don’t care. Your music was good, but-”

“Fuck off!” Capri snarled. “Give me my damn pay.”

Stefan glared at her. “You played only half the night. You get half pay.”

“Fuck you, pay me, and be glad I don’t call the police!” Capri growled, standing and glaring at Stefan. The bastard had probably been going to pocket her money!

Stefan glared at her, his eyes flicked to the doorway, and went wide.

“YOU BITCH!”

There was a gunshot, and Capri dove for the floor as Stefan hid behind the bar. She caught a glimpse of two of the thugs from before, one with his leg heavily bandaged, brandishing the gun while the other had a stained hunk of wood and was looking murderous.

Before they could get all the way inside though, Venti floated up into the air on a current of wind, a very elaborate bow appearing in his hands. He fired an arrow, and a vortex appeared where it struck the wall, sucking both the nazi bastards in and pinning them to the wall. The gun fired again, but the bullet went right into the second nazi’s ass, causing him to scream in pain as Capri looked on in astonishment.

“I guess some people are just slow learners,” Venti sighed, walking over to the two trapped thugs. He snapped his fingers, and the gun flew out and into his hands, where Venti looked at it curiously. Then he shrugged, tucking it away into a pocket. “Well, since this is our second meeting, I guess you’ll have to take a bit of a longer nap now. Good night!”

The thugs were both slammed head first into the ceiling, then dropped insensate to the floor where they lay in a pile of tangled limbs. Capri stayed where she was, heart pounding in her chest. Venti seemed alright, but…well. Capes in Munich did not have a good reputation, not among the Roma especially.

“Well, I think that’s enough drinking for tonight,” Venti said, shaking his head. He took out a couple of wallets, opening them and frowning. “Well, that’s odd. No mora in here. And what are these?” Plucking out a debit card, Venti held it up, frowning at it. “Can I pay with this?”

“No need to pay, just go!” Stefan called from behind the bar. “Please, no fighting! I don’t need this kind of trouble on my shift!”

“Well, that’s the best kind of beer then!” Venti laughed. He came over and offered a hand to Capri. “You’re not hurt, are you?”

“Uh, fine, thanks,” she said, slowly getting to her feet. She glanced at the unconscious thugs, then at Venti. “Don’t like Nazis much, do you?”

“Well, I’m afraid I’m not really sure what a not-see is, but if they have manners like those two I can’t imagine we’d be good friends,” Venti said with a shrug and a wink.

Capri’s eyes narrowed. “How on Earth could you not know what a nazi is?”

“Well, I’m afraid I’m not really from around here. There’s a lot of things I don’t know much about. Ah, but the night is young! Come, I’m sure we can find another establishment without such low companionship!” And then he strummed a merry tune on his lyre, making Capri shake her head.

“Yeah, fine. Let’s go. But first.” She went over to the bar and glared down at the cowering Stefan. “Pay?”

He pulled out an envelope from the cash register and thrust it at her. “Take it, and go! Don’t come back! We don’t want that kind of trouble here!”

As they walked out of the bar, Capri checked the envelope. She was short ten marks, but she wasn’t going to go complain over it. She glanced at Venti, who was eyeing the money curiously. Wait, was he going to try to rob her? “What?”

“So, this…” Venti pulled out a stack of bills from the wallets and held it up. “These are…marks, right? Hmm, that’s odd, it seems like it’s just parchment of some kind.”

Capri paused. She didn’t want to talk smack to a cape, but… “Uh, ha ha? Funny?”

“Ehe, yeah, I’m afraid I really don’t know how things work here!” Venti said, rubbing the back of his head. “Well, thanks for the drinks! I guess I’ll just find a nice alley to sleep in. Won’t be the first time!”

Venti turned to walk off, and Capri sighed. She was stupid. So stupid. There was no way she should do this. “Hey, uh, it isn’t much, but um…if you need a warm place to sleep…and you don’t mind Naomi snoring…you can spend the night in my van.”

“Well, that sounds better than an alley! Lead on, Miss Capri!”

Sighing, Capri slung her guitar case across her back and led Venti through the dark streets to where she was parked. She kept her hoodie up and had her hands in her pockets with her head down to avoid the looks from the few passersby, but Venti had his head up, and was looking around with interest, smiling and waving to those they passed, which caused most of them to shy away.

“Well, I suppose it is an unfriendly time of day, but everyone seems rather miserable. Are times really that bad?” Venti commented.

Capri snorted. “Where are you from that things are so peachy?”

“A land far away, called Mondstadt. It’s the land of Freedom, where the winds always blow,” Venti said, playing a few chords on his lyre. He actually was pretty good.

“So, you’re from America then?” Capri said, rolling her eyes. “Land of the free, home of the fatties.”

“Hmm, nope, never heard of it! This is the land of Munich, right?” Venti asked, peering up at a street light. “Huh, that’s electro, isn’t it? Interesting. I’ve seen that before in Khaenrian machinery. Heard of it?”

“Look, I’ve heard of a lot of countries, but not Mondstadt or Khanra, or wherever it is. And we’re in the city of Munich, in Bavaria, which is in Germany,” Carpi said, frowning again. “How do you not know all this?”

Venti made a silly face and wrapped a knuckle upside his head. “Ehe! Silly me! Well, as long as the fatui aren’t around, I should be fine! I wonder how Aether and Paimon are doing…”

“Fatui? Is that a cape group? You’re a cape, right?” Capri asked. Well, obviously, he was.

“I have a very fine cape, if I may say so myself!” Venti said, twirling to show off his green and white cloak. “But I think you mean something else? I’m terribly sorry, but would you mind explaining for little old me?”

“You…you have powers, don’t you?” Capri said, her brow furrowing. “What you did with the wind, and that bow…where did it go?”

“Oh, that? Why, that’s nothing unusual! You saw my vision, didn’t you?” Venti said, holding up the green bauble. “I can call the winds of course, but really I’m just a bard. As for my bow? Pshaw, that old thing? I just tuck it away for emergencies. I’d really rather solve my problems with a little song and chat!”

“Uh…” Capri blinked again. “You…really hit your head hard, didn’t you?”

“Ah, it wasn’t the first time! Just a little run in with the fatui,” Venti said, but he seemed to be studying Capri’s reaction.

“Well, I haven’t heard of them, but if it’s a cape fight, I want nothing to do with it. I’m just a regular person,” she said, shaking her head. “Anywhere, my van’s just here.”

She was parked in an empty lot that had several other vans and tents, with a tarp set up for the communal shower and toilet connected to the city plumbing. Most of the other residents were travelers or refugees, though there was one Roma couple that kept their distance from Capri, and she from them. Too many bad memories there.

She knocked on the rear door. “Naomi? It’s me, I have a guest…”

There was a sneeze from inside. “It’s OK, you can come in…”

Capri opened the door, and gestured to the interior of the van. “Welcome to our humble abode.”

Venti stuck his head in, and Naomi waved from where she was lying on the mattress above the storage compartment that held her drumset and the rest of their possessions. Her pale face was flushed and sweat stained, and her frizzy red hair formed a halo about her head. “Uh, hi. Sorry, I’m not feeling too good. Um, I’m Naomi. And you are?”

“Why, I’m Venti! Bard extraordinaire! I happened to meet my lovely new friend here when some not-sees so cruelly interrupted me from my sleep in an alley, and she valiantly defended me with her life and instrument!”

Capri rolled her eyes as Naomi gasped. “That wasn’t what happened at all. Though what were you doing in that alley, anyway?”

“Honestly, I’m increasingly uncertain about that myself,” Venti admitted. He shrugged and smiled. “So sorry you're sick. Here, I have a remedy made famous by Sister Maria! Let me just mix it up for you real quick.”

“It’s fine, she has cold medicine,” Capri said, but Venti had pulled a cup and some herbs out of his cloak.

“Do you happen to have a stove? I’ll brew up the famous cecilia lily with sweet flower tea!” Venti said.

Naomi looked curious, and nodded, pointing to their camp stove. “Sure, I wouldn’t mind some tea and to hear your story.”

“You should be sleeping,” Capri grumbled, but she got out the stove and set it up, and in a moment Venti had his brew going. She also got out their two chairs, one for Venti, and the other for herself, though Naomi climbed down and snuggled up in the seat with her. Capri glared at Venti, daring him to say something, but apparently he either didn’t realize the implication or was actually a decent person.

Venti regaled Naomi with a highly exaggerated and very comedic rendition of the evening's events, casting Capri as some sort of swashbuckling hero who had defeated the “churlish louts” with her wit and cunning, and Venti as some drunken sot who had just happened to have been there.

“That’s not what happened at all,” Capri sighed when the story wound down. “Look, Naomi, he’s a cape of some sort. He did save my life, and, well…you need somewhere to sleep, right?”

“A cape?” Naomi said, eyes growing wide. “You mean, you’re not with the Gesellschaft? Are you with the Meisters then?”

“Hmm, the Champions and the Society? No, I can’t say I’ve heard of them. Are they a guild?” Venti asked curiously.

Naomi blinked and glanced at Capri, but she sighed and shrugged. “He really doesn’t seem to know anything. I think he was in some sort of cape fight with a group he calls the ‘Fatui’ and got hit in the head.”

“They’re from Syneznya,” Venti clarified. Or, well, tried too, as the name didn’t mean anything to his audience. “Hmm. Haven’t heard of that either. How about Liyue? Fontaine? Inazuma?”

“I’ve heard of the Himi no Inazuma,” Naomi said slowly.

“Who?” Capri asked, frowning.

“You know, the princess of Japan?” Naomi prompted. “She’s called the Princess of Lightning.”

“Oh, right, Raiden’s ward,” Capri said with a shrug.

Venti’s eyes suddenly lit up. “Ah, then you know where Inazuma is! Well, Mondstadt isn’t too far from there, a few weeks' voyage to the North and West.”

“Uh, Inazuma isn’t a place,” Capri said, frowning. “At least not a place I’ve heard of.”

“Really? But you said you know of the Raiden Shogun, the Electro Archon,” Venti said, lifting the now boiling pot off the stove and pouring into the three mugs Capri had set out.

“Thank you,” Naoimi sighed, taking the cup and smelling it. “Mmm smells nice. Well, everyone knows who Raiden is-”

“The bitch,” Capri muttered, earning her an elbow from Naomi.

“-but I’ve never heard of the Electro Archon,” Naomi finished.

Capri shook her head. “Nah, that’s Raiden. She calls herself that sometimes, along with a bunch of other stuff. She’s crazy, thinks she’s a god.”

“But…Raiden is a god,” Venti said, now clearly confused as he sipped at his mug of herbal tea. “Though how you could know of her but not her homeland of Inazuma…I’m a bit confused. Saying Raiden isn’t a god is like saying oh, Rex Lapis, or even Barbados isn’t.”

“That’s what, King Rock and an island somewhere?” Capri asked. “Not gods I’ve heard of.”

“Well, Barbados is the 8th Spirit in the Lesser Key of Solomon,” Naomi mused. “He’s a duke of hell, if I remember right.”

Suddenly, Venti choked on his tea, sputtering and coughing. Naomi looked concerned, but he held up a hand to forestall her. “Sorry, just down the wrong pipe. But…Barbados, a demon? Really, I think that’s a bit much. I’ve heard people call the Wind Archon a mischievous spirit or a lazy god, but never a demon.”

“Um, well…I had a bit of a rebellious phase when I was younger and was into demonology. It, um, it made my parents very upset…they called the rabbi, and well…burned my books,” Naomi admitted.

“Had a rebellious phase? Your parents kicked you out and still won’t talk to you,” Capri snorted.

Naomi blushed and looked away. “Well…I still love them, it’s just…they weren’t very happy when they found out we were sleeping together…”

“Ah, your parents didn’t approve of your marriage?” Venti asked.

Capri and Naomi both stared at him, goggle eyed.

“You, uh, you realize we’re both women, right?” Capri asked slowly.

Venti shrugged. “In the eyes of Lord Barbados, all are free to choose whom they love! Why, I’ve married a few happy couples composed of ladies myself!”

“Well shit, suddenly this god doesn’t sound so bad, maybe we should convert,” Capri muttered, and Naomi punched her arm, though not very hard.

“I will not. Rabbi Goldstein says it’s just fine, my parents are just more traditional. That’s why they moved to Israel, and I didn’t. But I still go to Synagogue every Sabbath. And you come with me.”

“Only because you make me,” Capri grumbled, but she did blush.

“I wonder if the Rabbi would marry us?” Naomi mused, then shrugged. “Oh well, it’s what's in our hearts that matters.”

“Hey, you’re sounding better,” Capri said, looking Naomi over. She put a hand to her lover's forehead and nodded. “Fever’s broken too.”

“Ah, I infused a little anemo into the tea, as a thank you! Perks you right up!” Venti said happily.

Capri blanched, but Naomi murmured her thanks and sipped her tea again.

After that, they went to bed. Venti was forced to recline the passenger’s seat in the van, while Capri and Naomi crawled onto their mattress in the back.

“I like him,” Naomi commented as they lay together. “He seems nice.”

“He can probably hear you,” Capri muttered into Naomi’s hair. “But yeah. He’s not what I imagined a cape would be like.”

“He’s a musician. Very good on that lyre. We could use another band member,” Naomi suggested.

Capri sighed. “Maybe. We’ll see. Capes are trouble, you know.”

“Ah, but Venti’s a hero, surely. I’m sure it will be fine,” Naomi said, then yawned, snuggled closer, and started snoring softly.

Capri lay awake for a while longer, but dozed off eventually as well. They awoke at midmorning the next day, with Venti still snoring. Naomi got up first, fixing a simple breakfast of porridge and coffee. “How much did you make last night? I need to go shopping today if we can afford it.”

“Not as much as I’d like. Gigs are drying up,” Capri sighed, handing Naomi the money.

“Ah! Good morning, my lovely hosts!” Venti said, stepping out of the van and stretching. Somehow, despite the cramped conditions, he looked, well, perfectly sorted, with nothing awry with his clothes or hair, curse him. Capri and Naomi were both frizzy messes, which Capri had solved by putting her hoodie up, and Naomi by wearing a beanie.

“Good morning! Have some breakfast!” Naomi said, gesturing to the porridge. “I made extra.”

“Why thank you! Hmm, what’s this?” Venti sniffed the cup of coffee Capri handed him.

“Coffee. Seriously? You’ve never heard of coffee?” Capri asked, feeling exasperated.

“Ah! I had it in Sumeru, but it’s been years since I’ve wandered that far. I suppose there are coffee houses in Mondstadt, but I prefer a beer myself. Still, this seems perfect to wake you up in the mornings!”

They ate and chatted for a bit, before Venti pulled out the wallets. They turned out to be from the thugs the night before, Venti having taken them “to teach them a valuable lesson.”

“Well, stealing is wrong, but…” Naomi bit her lip, then blurted out, “but fuck those paskudnik bastards!”

“Your mother isn’t here, you can swear,” Capri laughed. “But yeah, fuck those guys. Damn, not a bad haul. There’s about 500 marks here. We’ll sell the cards though, I know a guy.”

“Capri!” Naomi protested.

“What? They’re nazis, Naomi. Like you said. Fuck ‘em.”

“You two seem to have a lot of antipathy towards these not-sees. Are these thugs so mal-what? You’re looking at me like I’ve grown a second head,” Venti said.

Naomi slowly shut her mouth, and shook her head. “Uh, Venti…I thought you’d have figured it out, but…I’m Jewish. My grandmother lost her first husband in Dachau, and I lost several great aunts and uncles. And, well, Capri-”

“They weren’t calling me a gypsy just to be assholes. I’m Romani. I thought you’d know that from my name. And yeah, I lost family in the Holocaust too,” Capri agreed, now feeling more than a little angry. “The act was cute at first, but-”

“Hmm.” Venti suddenly floated up in the air, crossing his legs, and putting a hand to his chin. Naomi and Capri both froze, their breath catching in their chests.

“Oh, sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you.” Venti sank back down, shaking his head. “Hmm. I think it’s safe to hazard…this isn’t Teyvat, is it?”

Mutely, both women shook their heads.

“I thought so. Interesting. Luminie did mention traveling to other worlds, and I’ve known they’ve existed for some time. Still…” Venti laughed, rubbing the back of his head. “It might be hard for you to believe, but I think I’m an alien from another world entirely! I think I have a lot of learning to do. Please, this clearly hurt you, but I don’t understand what you mean by the Holocaust. To me, that was what some called the Cataclysm where Khaenri’ah was destroyed. But, well…this seems to mean more to you than that. So please, tell me your story.”

Capri blinked a few times, then shared a long look with Naomi. “Uh, I’m not really sure what to say to that…”

“You… you’re a cape from another world?” Naomi asked, feeling a bit shocked. “I don’t…”

“I have an idea!” Venti stood up, clapping his hands and smiling. “That seems a bit hard for you, so how about this? Where’s the nearest library? I’ve always liked reading. I’m no scholar from the Akademiya, but I enjoy a good book now and then.”

“...I can show you,” Capri volunteered, shaking her head. “It’s not too far.”

“I’ll come too,” Naomi agreed, standing and folding up the chair. They had everything packed and the van locked in a few minutes, then walked to the bus station, which fascinated Venti. He seemed practically giddy to ride on the bus, eagerly looking out the window and commenting at how “fast” the painfully slow ride was.

They made it to the library before long, and Venti grabbed several stacks of books, one of which was on the Holocaust. He started to flip through it, then stopped, suddenly aghast as he saw the first picture.

“Auschwitz,” Naomi said quietly, tears coming to her eyes. “So many…”

“How…who…” Venti’s voice was raw, and there were tears in his eyes. He suddenly muttered something potent, then held his hands over the book. The pages whipped back and forth rapidly, though he paused a few times on pictures, apparently unable to comprehend what he was seeing.

“You’ll have to actually read it,” Capri said firmly.

“I am,” Venti growled, but there was something…off about his voice. Capri leaned back in her chair, and Venti held his hands over the book again, the pages whipping back and forth in the wind. Then books flew off the shelves, spinning about Venti in a swirl of wind. His eyes were glowing blue, and his face was growing cold, enraged. Capri and Naomi found themselves clinging to one another in terror, as Venti let out a snarl.

Then the books fell to the table, and Venti put his head in his hands, and cried quietly. “My people…my children…what has happened to you?”

“Venti?” Naomi asked timidly, extending a hand towards him.

Suddenly, the room seemed to darken, as a warm green light began to emanate from Venti. He looked up, even as wings began to sprout from his back, and he grew in size, his clothes melting into a white robe. He lifted his head, slowly floating up into the air.

Naomi immediately pulled Capri out of her chair and forced her head to the ground, kneeling beside her and stammered out something that sounded like, “Dabber ki somea abdeka!”

“Rise, Naomi. You are not my servant, but my friend. Now. I want you to tell me exactly why these Nazi bastards are still allowed on the streets of Germany.”

Hesitantly, Naomi and Capri both looked up, and saw the face of a weeping angel. Then Venti seemed to shake himself, and the glow faded, the air around them returning to normal.

“Sorry, sorry. It’s just…well. I have not been that angry in a very long time. Not for 500 years.” Venti cleared his throat and smiled. “I don’t suppose you could just forget what you just saw?”

Capri mutely shook her head, while Naomi nodded hastily.

“Well, at least one of you can lie with a straight face,” Venti sighed. “Now. Please, explain this to me. Because clearly, whatever gods rule these lands are sleeping, or monsters.”

Naomi was the first to speak, sounding timid and awed. “Uh, well, I can’t speak to the Lord’s plan, but, ah, well…it started about five years ago with a political group called the Land and Social Labor Reform Party, and the Gesellschaft…”

Author’s Note:

And so, we enter a new chapter of this story. One where a green twink learns that Nazis have taken over his country.

But don’t worry, we have a solution:

Legend of Galactic Zeroes, Chapter 19

If there was one thing Kazuma hated about his current life, it was that the Lagaan was very uncomfortable, especially in space. Sure, once he fused it was a pretty sweet ride, but having to sit with his knees up by his ears, hunched over the controls and his neck bent as his head was pressed up against the canopy was not a good time.

“I should have just stayed on the ship,” Kazuma grumbled, his vision blurring as he gazed out at the vista before him. Even in his curmudgeonly heart, he had to admit it was rather beautiful. The main gas giant took up most of his view, with colorful clouds and storms the size of continents swirling on its surface. In the distance, growing closer, he could see the sparkling dot of the ice moon of Alcanrettia, and on his left was another smaller moon, shaped somewhat like a potato and dotted with craters, not quite large enough to be pulled into an entirely spherical shape by gravity.

And on the right, the system’s primary star was a smaller dot than he was used to on Earth, but it still provided a great deal of light. He could also see tiny specks that his readout told him were the other planets in the system. It was a breathtaking sight to behold. He just wished he was more comfortable while he was doing the beholding.

On a whim, he opened a comm channel to Darkness. He was actually over half a kilometer away from her mecha, though in space, they were practically next to one another in relative terms. “So, are you as bored as I am?”

“Kazuma, we are mere hours away from what is surely to be a brutal battle. The enemy could ambush us at any moment! I must stand ready, to use myself as a shield between our foes and the ships behind us.”

Kazuma waited a moment, then said, “So, bored out of your skull?”

“Well, yes, but I am trying to stay alert,” she admitted. She was quiet for a moment, then asked, “Um, Kazuma…can I ask you a question?”

“I mean I did call you because I wanted to talk to you,” Kazuma said, trying to shift to a more comfortable position. “Ask away.”

“Are you…nervous?”

“Meh. We beat Wolbach. How much worse can this Hans be?” Kazuma said, though his heart did flutter slightly. He had almost died fighting Wolbach.

“Oh, I didn’t mean about that. The prospect of going into combat and fusing with you again…it truly excites me! No, I mean…w-with the betrothal. It, ah, it’s a bit sudden…we haven’t known each other for that long…”

“Am I nervous that I’m getting married to the woman with the largest boobs I’ve ever seen?” Kazuma asked, and Darkness moaned audibly at the descriptor. “The only way that makes me nervous is if I suffocate from you being on top.”

“Y-you truly are a lewd and vile man, Kazuma,” Darkness gasped.

Kazuma shrugged, then felt guilt gnaw at his stomach. “Uh, you know…Megumin and I…we sort of…”

“Oh, yes, Chris told me what you were doing,” Darkness said, nodding. “Did you…you know…?”

“Well, she says she’s not pregnant because she’s got an implant or something so we don’t have to worry about that at least?” Kazuma said, chuckling nervously.

“Oh, that would be quite a scandal. Since technically she’s my consort as well. But I wouldn’t worry about it too much either way.”

“So…you’re not, you know, mad or jealous?”

“Well, I am a little disappointed Chris and I had to work while you were having fun, but…oh, sorry. No, this sort of arrangement is common for nobles throughout the system. I-I always dreamed of having a harem of big, strong men to abuse me…but Megumin can be so cruel! A-and Chris’s fingers…”

“Well, I guess I’ll have to be the big strong guy then,” Kazuma sighed, looking at his noodle arms. This just wasn’t fair. Darkness was like 2 meters tall!

“You will always be the big strong man to me,” Darkness teased. “And you-”

“All units! Motion detected on Tuber! We’ve got incoming!” Yunyun’s voice barked out, far more commanding than normal.

“They really named the potato moon Tuber?” Kazuma sighed, turning his mecha towards Darkness’ and hitting the afterburner on the booster harness he’d been fitted with. He let out a yelp as he was banged about in the cockpit, but managed to get things mostly under control.

“Fear not, I shall defend us!” Darkness declared, and ignited her own boosters, zooming off towards the enemy.

Kazuma could see them now, several dozen enemy mecha flying out of the dark side of Tuber and towards the Axis Queen and the Dread Pirate Crimson. Indeed, there were even two larger ships coming out from behind the moon, both of which looked like what you would get if you asked an art director to make a “legally distinct Star Destroyer,” with wedge shapes that bristled with guns and bays that more mecha and fighter craft streamed from.

“FOOLISH CRIMSON DEMONS!” a voice bellowed over the radio. “YOU HAVE COME TO YOUR DEATHS THIS TIME! THE SLIMO CLAN WILL DESTROY YOU!”

“Slimo clan?” Kazuma said with a snort. “Well that’s a dumb name.”

“I would not mock them, the slimes of the Slimo Clan are some of the deadliest pilots in the system,” Darkness warned him. Then she let out a gasp. “No. It cannot be…”

For a moment Kazuma was confused, then his sensors wailed a loud warning, and the moon itself began to shift. Its surface rippled, and then first one, then another great yellow eye opened. The surface went from a dusty gray to a virulent purple, and what had looked like a mountain range twisted to reveal giant teeth.

“I, HANS THE SENTAI OF POISON, SHALL DEVOUR YOU ALL IN THE NAME OF THE SPACE DEVIL KING!”

“Wait, he’s the size of a MOON now?!” Kazuma demanded. “Well, I mean, a small, gross, misshapen moon, but it’s like 100 kilometers across!”

“He has grown…but how!? We have to retreat! All of you, flee! I shall hold them off myself!” Darkness said, stopping in her charge and drawing her sword. Maybe this was a target so big that even she couldn’t fail to hit it.

“Hell no! That’s a foe too tough even for you,” Kazuma said, slamming the Lagaan into Darkness’ back.

She grunted, but somehow barely budged. “No! I will not flee from any foe!”

“I”m not becoming a widower before we even tie the knot! Besides, you haven’t even managed to go all the way and lose your V card, have you?” Kazuma demanded.

“W-well, um, I-I have uh, done many things with you and C-Chris, but, ah, not yet Megumin, and I do still wish to-”

“So no dying on me! You still have something to live for! Now you turn around and run away like the horny idiot you are or no spankings for you later!” Kazuma said.

“W-what a cowardly, conniving man, to manipulate me so!” Darkness panted, but she did turn around.

“Megumin! Hey, Megumin, come in, are you there?!” Kazuma said.

“Yes, I am. Do not fear, I am launching now,” Megumin said over the radio. “As soon as I beheld such a target, I could not hold myself back!”

“Right, we’re going to have to put everything we have into this one. Do you think you can blow up something the size of a small moon?” Kazuma asked.

“Ha! The power of the Wave Motion Explosion Cannon is unmatched! The entire universe shall bear witness to my genius and power!”

“...I’ll take that as a yes. Sorry, Darkness, our date for tonight is canceled,” Kazuma said.

“I understand. Here, let me give you a boost,” Darkness said, plucking the Lagaan off her mecha’s back and holding Kazuma in both hands. “If only you could do this to me!”

Realizing what was about to happen, Kazuma tried to protest. “Wait! No, don’t! I-”

It was too late. With a mighty heave, she hurled him back towards the Axis Queen, sending Kazuma spinning through space like a screaming baseball. He managed to right himself after half a minute of trying to wrestle the controls, and was grateful he’d never been one to suffer overly much from motion sickness. Megumin flew out to meet him, and he hit the Button Of Unfortunate Implications right as he drew near.

They fused together, once more transforming into a giant robot with a truly ludicrous cannon embedded in the chest. And, of course, putting Kazuma and Megumin in a compromising position.

“Uh, hey again,” Kazuma said, looking down at Megumin. Somehow, straddling her when she was in a skintight latex jumpsuit was even more lewd than when they’d both been naked.

“I am ready, Kazuma! Let us give birth to the most wonderful destruction imaginable!” Megumin said, grinning up at him, her red eyes glowing with passion.

“Right then,” Kazuma said, giving the controls a squeeze and provoking a groan of happiness from Megumin. “Wave Motion-”

“EXPLOSION!” Megumin cried gleefully, and the mecha thrummed with power as the massive beam of red light shot out towards Hans in the distance. Even traveling at many times the speed of sound, it was several seconds before the shot hit, impacting Hans even as the ships and mecha scattered away from him.

“Well, looks like that’s that,” Kazuma panted, bending down to kiss Megumin, who had her eyes closed and was breathing heavily. “You do get off on this, don’t you?”

“It’s even more wonderful than when we made love,” Megumin said sleepily. “You make it feel so much better than when I do this on my own.”

“...it’s a good thing you're cute, or this level of crazy would be disturbing.”

“I’m not crazy, I’m a genius,” Megumin giggled, wiggling against Kazuma. “Mmm, I almost feel like-”

“FOOLS! DO YOU THINK SUCH PATHETIC FIREPOWER COULD DESTROY ME!”

Kazuma snapped up, even as Megumin gasped in horror. Unlike when they had used the Wave Motion Explosion Cannon in the atmosphere, the effects dissipated quickly, and they could now clearly see the monstrous face of Hans, his yellow eyes still glowing ominously, miles wide mouth gaping hungrily.

“Oh. Oh shit. Uh, are you ready for another shot?” Kazuma asked.

“I…I have been totally drained…I do not think I can manage one so soon. I’m still sore,” Megumin panted.

“Sheesh, and I thought it was us guys who had performance issues,” Kazuma muttered.

“Kazuma, Kazuma!” Darkness said, her voice breathless. “It didn’t work! Your shot hit, but Hans lost less than 10% of his mass! I must face him-”

“Darkness, don’t be a moron! Get back here, and don’t make me come get you!” Megumin snapped. Then she moaned. “Kazuma, I can feel-”

The fusion ended, and Kazuma and Megumin floated in empty space, both their mecha drained of energy.

“His forces have scattered, we need to retreat,” Yunyun’s voice said over their comms. “Get back aboard and we’ll make a full burn for Alchanrettia.”

“Very well. I suppose I cannot let the two of you be left behind,” Darkness sighed, picking them both back up and bringing them aboard the Axis Queen.

“What of the rest of the Crimson Demon Clan?” Darkness asked as their mecha were grabbed by the docking clamps for refueling and refit, Aqua and the maintenance techs already racing forward to restore the drained mecha.

“Well, um, my people aren’t always the most, ah, rational…but even we can tell w-when something is too much for us. This isn’t the time or place to fight…”

“Couldn’t agree more,” Kazuma muttered, popping open his hatch.

Kazuma stumbled out, but Darkness was already dragging the limp Megumin out of her mecha as the engines kicked into overdrive. “I will take her to our quarters, then we meet on the bridge to discuss this.”

Kazuma plodded forward, feeling exhausted. Before he could collapse, Chris appeared sliding under his shoulder and propping him up. “What is that, three times in one day now? We’re turning you into a real stud!”

“Thanks, I guess. What the heck do we do now?” Kazuma asked Chris.

She frowned, shrugging slightly. “Not sure. We’ll have to come up with a more complicated plan than ‘hit it very hard’ it seems.”

“Knowing the caliber of our plans, we’ll probably come up with ‘hit it even harder,’” Kazuma muttered.

Chris laughed, and led Kazuma up to the bridge, sitting him down and giving him a hot mug of tea and a candy bar to munch on. He gratefully ate it, until Darkness stepped onto the bridge with Yunyun, joining them around the command table.

“W-well, the good news is, Hans isn’t moving very fast,” Yunyun said, pointing to the plot. “W-we’re not really sure how he managed to replace Tuber, but your shot seems to have wounded him, and he’s moving slower. We’re only about 7 hours away from Alcanrettia now, and they’re s-still under attack. It seems that H-Hans himself isn’t leading the attack, only another large Poison Slime.”

“He’s got to be by far the biggest slime on record. Normally, they can only grow to at most a fraction of that size. He was already the biggest recorded, and he was only about 500 meters in height,” Darkness said, shaking her head.

“Wait, wasn’t he just a normal guy in a mecha before?” Kazuma asked, frowning.

“Slimes are shapeshifters,” Chris said with a shrug. “They can hide their mass in another dimension, then pull it out when they transform into their true shapes. As big as he is now, he can destroy an entire planet on his own, coating in an entire sea of poison.”

“I-I think it must be the work of the Space Devil King. H-He must have empowered Hans somehow,” Yunyun said, looking very worried. “S-something that big…w-well, I would have thought Megumin could destroy Hans before, b-but now…”

“Now we need an upgrade, or help of some kind. We’re 7 hours out, how far away is Hans?” Kazuma asked, frowning at the display.

“W-we don’t know, but he doesn’t seem to be moving very fast. We’ll have to track him, but…a few days, at least? H-he seems to be breaking from Tuber’s orbit. N-not sure how he’s propelling himself…”

“Maybe with some giant ass farts,” Kazuma said with a snort.

“Actually…that could work,” Chris mused. “Poison slimes have a rather, ah, unique digestive system.”

“Then we prepare for landfall in 7 hours. It seems the path forward is clear,” Darkness said with a nod. “I order you all to get some rest. We’ll have to clear out the moon, then try to figure out a way to build some sort of defense against Hans.”

Yunyun nodded soberly. “I-I’ll let my father know, and see if our engineers c-can come up with a plan, b-but, um, well…Megumin was the one who was best at designing doomsday weapons…and she has the best one…”

“Well, she’s sleeping it off, no sense having an insane explosion gremlin that’s also sleep deprived,” Kazuma sighed, getting unsteadily to his feet. “I’m bushed myself.”

Chris and Darkness took him back to their room, where Megumin was already snoring on the bed. For such a small individual, she was loud, even when she was sleeping.

“Sorry you two, but I actually need some sleep,” Kazuma groaned, flopping onto the bed beside Megumin.

“That’s OK, don’t mind us. Hmm, Darkness, sweetie, you and I haven’t got to play in a couple of days…” Chris said. “We just can’t be too loud.”

“W-well, I, ah, we really should get some rest…”

“Now, is that any way to talk to your mistress, dog?”

“No, mistress! I-I will obey…”

Despite how sexy that sounded, Kazuma ended up passing out next to Megumin, overly drained from his exertions.

He was awoken by a loud tone from the speaker, jerking up on the bed, Megumin sitting up beside him. On his other side, Darkness stirred, with Chris yawning and stretching from where she’d been laying half atop Darkness.

“Hi guys!” Aqua’s chipper voice said. “Yunyun told me to tell you all when we were thirty minutes out, but I forgot! So, um, we’re three minutes out. Uh, better get ready! Because, ah, well…there’s a lot of bad guys coming our way…”

“Oh SHIT!” Kazuma gasped, hopping out of the bed. He was still half dressed, and he paused only to pull on his jumpsuit as he hopped towards the door. Behind him, the girls frantically got ready themselves, even as the ship began to shudder and alarms began to wail.

“Dammit, Aqua, you had one job!” Kazuma ranted, sprinting down the hall, his bare feet flapping on the deck. Chris somehow sprinted past him, moving fast enough to win an Olympic record, though she was dressed only in her underwear and a jacket. Then someone grabbed Kazuma around the waist, and he found himself being lugged under Darkness’ arm as she kept up with Chris. He was about to protest, but then he looked over and saw Megumin bristling as Darkness carried her along as well.

“...huh. You really are freakishly strong, aren’t you?” Kazuma mused, poking at Darkness’ rock hard abs.

“Ah! Do not do that, I am ticklish! A-and I wish you would not mock my body so… it is not the kind of humiliation I enjoy…”

“He is not mocking your overly muscled form, Darkness. I think the pervert actually enjoys it,” Megumin huffed. “I, however, did not ask to ride you like this! I shall make you pay later!”

“I-I shall look forward to it!” Darkness panted, probably more from excitement than exertion as she ran into the hanger, where Aqua was waving frantically at them.

“We’re under attack, help!” she wailed.

“We would, you useless moron, if you’d woke us up in time!” Kazuma snapped as Darkness set him down.

There was the pounding of feet behind him, and he turned around just in time for someone to run smack into him, bowling him over. When his head cleared, he was looking up at a mortified Yunyun, who was half dressed herself and wearing only a white t-shirt that hung down just far enough to mostly cover her modesty.

“Ah! S-sorry! Ow! Megumin, I said sorry, d-don’t hit me!”

“Hands off, he’s mine!” Megumin growled.

“Now is not the time,” Kazuma groaned, stumbling to his feet as Darkness hauled him up. “Come on, let’s do this!”

He hurried over to his mecha, strapping himself in and lowering the canopy. Moments later, he was shot out of the barrier protecting it from the outside vacuum, and into chaos.

Mecha and fighter craft zipped through a hellscape full of blossoming explosions, burning lasers, and an increasing amount of debris of dead and dying craft. The Crimson Demon Clan were out in force, and their mecha were utterly dominating the field. Kazuma watched as one pilot used a polearm with glowing plasma beams on each end to duel three enemy mecha at once, slicing one in half, and decapitating another. It did take a shot from the third, but then it plunged the tip of its weapon into the enemy mecha, which exploded in a satisfying fashion. Kazuma suspected that it implanted a charge to make the enemy mecha do that, not just for the overkill, but for the drama.

Still, they were outnumbered ten-to-one, as the Crimson Demon Clan had never been numerous. Two enemy fighter craft flew at Kazuma, their laser mounts blasting away at him and scouring the Lagaan’s armor.

“Ahh! Shit!” Kazuma gasped, trying to get out of the way, but he was slow and clumsy in comparison. He thought he was doomed, until a green shadow decloaked behind the two fighters, spraying them down with plasma fire.

“What’s this, a damsel in distress? Fear not, the hero is here!” Chris said cheerfully, zipping towards Kazuma. “You ready for another fusion, big guy? Cause we’ve got a high score to set!”

“Let’s do it,” Kazuma agreed, and reached out to slam the Button That Causes Shenanigans. Only, right as he was about to hit it, for the second time that day, someone smacked into him from behind. Even as the Laagan merged with its unintended target, Kazuma already knew where this was going.

“First of all,” he said before he’d even fully become aware of his surroundings, “I would like to point out that I am entirely innocent in all this.”

“W-what!?” Yunyun gasped, looking up at Kazuma with wide, startled eyes. It turned out she did not get a new outfit, and was still just wearing the low cut T-shirt, which was now hiked up to reveal she was wearing a very girly pair of pink panties. Nice. “K-Kazuma, what did you-”

“KAZUTRASH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MOLESTING MY RIVAL!? I WILL RIP YOU RIGHT OUT OF THAT MECHA AND PUNT YOU INTO THE NEAREST GRAVITY WELL! YUNYUN, I SWEAR, IF YOU SO MUCH AS LOOK AT MY MAN WRONG I WILL MAKE YOU RUE THE DAY THAT THE PUBERTY FAIRY CURSED YOU WITH SUCH OVERDEVELOPED MAMMARIES WHEN I MAKE YOU CHOKE TO DEATH ON THEM!”

“Yeah, rant at me later, trying not to die now!” Kazuma said as Megumin continued to rant, reaching out and grabbing the joysticks that were, of course, placed atop Yunyun’s Yunyuns.

He scanned the weapons readout and the various statistics on the mecha, and whistled. This wasn’t as fast as Chris’ mecha, as durable as Darkness’s, or as over gunned as Megumin’s, but Yunyun’s mecha had solid ratings in every category. The lowest was in melee combat, as it seemed there was only a single vibro knife for that, but there were long ranged missiles, plasma cannons, two long range giant lasers in the chest of course, and a short ranged lightning gun.

“Wow, now this is a mecha to impress,” Kazuma mused.

“A-ah! K-Kazuma, um, I didn’t mean to-” Yunyun stammered, but Kazuma ignored her.

“Sorry, saving our lives.” He hit the jets even as plasma bolts flew through where they had been. “Get me a targeting solution on those foes!”

“Ah, ah, t-tracking-oh, this feels very odd…um, I think I have target locks…”

“FIRE!” Kazuma said, depressing the trigger and making Yunyun let out a loud squeak. The mecha shuddered slightly as the missiles launched, and moments later, three enemy mecha vanished in balls of flame.

“Megumin, calm down. He just fused with her, he didn’t sleep with her,” Chris said. “Focus and pick your target. Make it count, you only have one shot.”

“What a villain, cheating on all three of us before our very eyes! I, ah, ooo, Kazuma, can you record it? I-I want to watch later,” Darkness urged.

“Your Grace!” Yunyun squeaked. “I-I am barely clothed! A-and Kazuma, um, i-it looks worse t-than it is b-but-”

“That sounds even better! Kazuma, Kazuma, you are recording this, right?!”

“NTR is a trash fetish, Darkness,” Kazuma said, despite the fact that he knew of several excellent doujins with just that label. “Of course I am.”

Yunyun wailed, until Kazuma gave her a firm squeeze. “Stay alert! You are the mecha now, Yunyun! Now show me what a real Crimson Demon is like!”

“A REAL CRIMSON DEMON!? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT!?” Megumin snarled.

“Aren’t you like a super cool mysterious exile or something?” Kazuma said, trying to focus as a group of six mecha came at him. He had to keep them far away, but even with Yunyun’s firepower it was hard. She did her job well though, instantly identifying threat priority and recommended which weapons to use. He sprayed them down with laser fire, then finished off the stragglers with well placed plasma shots as he danced just out of their range but within his own engagement envelope.

“Hmph. We will talk about this later, Kazutrash.” With that, a brilliant beam of burning light flashed through the battlefield and destroyed two large enemy gunboats that had been moving to engage their own motherships. Then, of course, Megumin’s mecha shut down, and was towed back to the ship by Aqua’s support crew.

The battle raged on for several more minutes, but Megumin’s blow had broken the back of the enemy forces. Most of them retreated back down to the planet, pursued by several Clan members, though Kazuma and company stayed near their ships.

“Well, that wasn’t so bad. We win now, right?” Kazuma said over the radio.

“N-no,” Yunyun whimpered, trying to pull her shirt down and failing spectacularly. “T-that could only have been a fraction of their forces. W-we’ll have to go down to the planet.”

Kazuma sighed and nodded. “Right, of course it’s not easy. So we still have to fight off the minions here, then go deal with Hans before he arrives and corrupts the entire water supply.”

“Um yeah, pretty much. Ah, Kazuma?”

“Yes?”

“C-can you take your hands off my b-boobs now, please?”

Giving one last squeeze, he sat back, sighing. “Yeah, the fusion should end right about-”

The two mecha split apart with Kazuma drifting in space and feeling the same sense of lassitude he usually did after a fusion. He drifted for a moment, until something flashed across his screen. He let out a yip, right as the Lagaan slammed against the surface of the Axis Queen.

“Hey Kazuma,” Chris said, her tone bright and cheery, but her eyes full of menace. “We need to talk.”

Kazuma swallowed and smiled nervously, but Chris dragged him back to the hanger in a silent rage.

Once inside, Kazuma hurried out to find Chris whispering furiously with Darkness, who was blushing and looking nervous as the much smaller woman stood on her tiptoes and hissed angrily. He also saw Yunyun getting out of her mecha, but she blushed furiously when she saw him and scampered off without a word.

“There you are!” Chris said, whirling on Kazuma, her nostrils flaring slightly. “Right. What the HELL did you think you were doing!?”

“Hey, I meant to fuse with Darkness, it just-”

“I don’t want to hear excuses! If you screw this up for me, bud, there will be a world of hurt for you!” Chris snarled.

Kazuma blinked. “Wait, screw this up for you?”

“Ugh, we need to have this conversation in private. But just know, I sort of understand. I’m mad this has happened again, but I sort of understand. But Megumin? Oh, she most DEFINITELY does NOT understand. I’ll try to keep her from killing you, but if she does I promise to have Aqua resurrect you so I can do it myself.”

Heart full of trepidation, Kazuma followed Chris back to their quarters. As soon as he stepped inside, he had to duck, as a vase crashed against the bulkhead behind him.

“TRAITOR! CHEATER! SCUM!” Megumin raged, grabbing a glass and raising it. She had an entire line of hurlable and very breakable objects arranged as ammunition, and she was in a full red faced fury.

“Woah! Wait, I told you, it was an-”

“Megumin,” Darkness said, crossing quickly and picking the smaller girl up by her collar. “Do not break our possessions just because you are upset.”

“UPSET!? UPSET!? I AM FAR BEYOND UPSET! HE DIDN’T JUST CHEAT WITH ANYONE, HE CHEATED WITH MY BEST FRIEND!” Tears of rage and pain leaked down Megumin’s cheeks, and she glared furiously at Kazuma.

“Uh, let’s just calm down,” Kazuma said, then cried out as Chris walloped the back of his head.

“Telling a woman to calm down never helps, idiot. Now sit down and listen as she explains why she’s mad. Do not say a word,” Chris ordered, pointing to a chair.

Kazuma sat down, and once Darkness had calmed Megumin enough for her to quit wiggling, she sat down as well, putting Megumin on her lap.

“Let go of me!” Megumin protested, struggling again.

“No. I will not have you maiming Kazuma. If you must take out your anger, do so on me,” Darkness said firmly.

Megumin responded by turning around and biting Darkness right on the nose, then slapping her hard on both cheeks. “How could you!? You ENCOURAGED him! Do you have any idea how that makes me feel!?”

“I…I confess, I am not certain…you did not seem to mind sharing him with Chris and I,” Darkness said slowly.

“You are not Yunyun, and I also get to sleep with you,” Megumin hissed. Then she flung herself on Darkness and started bawling her eyes out.

Darkness carefully hugged Megumin, rubbing her back. “It’s alright. Let it all out.”

“I, uh, I think I’m getting the picture,” Kazuma said, then squawked when Chris slapped him on the wrist with a rolled up newspaper. Where had she gotten a copy of the Tokyo Times!?

“No talking, only listening,” she said sweetly.

Kazuma grumbled, but folded his arms and waited for the water works to stop.

“Yunyun has been my rival, what you outsiders would call a best friend, since we were old enough to walk,” Megumin said through sniffles and hiccups, blowing her nose loudly into Darkness’ jumpsuit, which seemed to excite the other woman.

“I was always better than her at target practice and weapons building, but she was better at hand to hand combat. We always competed over everything. She was the daughter of the chief, I was the daughter of the biggest pair of losers in the clan. My parents are always screwing up their projects and misappropriating funds. Sometimes Komekko and I would go hungry because…nevermind.”

Kazuma felt sick, but held his silence, nodding slowly along.

“Then puberty hit and…and Yunyun became beautiful! You have seen her breasts! They are huge! I got pimples, she always had perfect skin. I was short and my hair was always a mess, hers was long and silky and she’s five centimeters taller than I am. The boys and girls always wanted to date her, even Outsiders! But never me…Then I ran away from home, and it was stupid Yunyun who ‘rescued’ me six months later!”

Megumin let out an angry sob, and shook her head. “She’s just…she’s better than me at almost everything! And now…and now she’s stealing the man who I thought I had!”

Chris nodded, and turned to Kazuma and Darkness. “Look. This arrangement does not mean you two randy bastards get to screw whoever you want. The more people you add to a harem the harder it is to balance and maintain. We do NOT let someone else in, not unless ALL of us agree, and I don’t think that’s happening any time soon.” Chris paused. “Unless it’s Aqua.”

“NO!” Kazuma said immediately, and Chris shrugged.

“Fine, vetoed. She’s ace anyway, I’m certain. Look, my point is, I wouldn’t even bang Aqua if I got the chance unless I talked it over with all of you and we agreed to share her and she was cool with that. But clearly, Kazuma can’t keep it in his pants and keeps fusing with other people.”

“I keep telling you that it’s not on purpose! Do you think anyone in their right mind would fuse with Mitsurugi!?”

There was a pause, and Megumin let out a snort, then a giggle. “I certainly wouldn’t. But even I’ve wanted to make love to Yunyun.”

Kazuma’s eyebrows shot up, but Megumin glared at him. “I wasn’t going to say anything,” he said quickly.

“I do not want her as a part of this group! She is just…” Megumin looked forlorn down at herself, and cupped her own breasts. “...everything I’m not.”

“We think you’re beautiful,” Darkness said, and Kazuma and Chris voiced their agreement.

“R-really?” Megumin asked, her voice very small.

Darkness kissed her again, then said in a husky voice. “I want you to beat me up until you feel better, then we’ll make love until both of us howl.”

Megumin considered that, then balled up a fist and punched Darkness square in her solar plexus. Darkness just moaned in pain.

“You two, uh, do that,” Chris said. “I’m getting some food. You are too, right Kazuma?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess. And, well…I should apologize to Yunyun I suppose…”

“You should call her a fat hag!” Megumin spat.

“You don’t mean that,” Chris sighed.

“No, I don’t. Just…ugh. Tell her you’re sorry and that it won’t happen again because you love me!” Megumin said, then slapped Darkness again, much to Darkness’ delight.

Kazuma and Chris stepped outside as the beatings continued until morale improved. Kazuma gave Chris an uncomfortable smile. “Look, I’ll delete the recording and stuff, I just…”

“I’d say keep it because Yunyun’s a hottie, but you know what it means to Megumin. And just so you know, I am not into NTR. You damn pervert,” Chris sighed. She grabbed Kazuma and dragged him towards the mess hall. “Come on. The sooner you apologize, the sooner this is all over.”

“Yeah,” Kazuma agreed, though a feeling in the pit of his stomach warned him that things were just getting started.

And not just because a giant slime monster was coming to kill them all.

PRT Threat Assessment Report: Tone Deaf Bard

[2003, May 10th, Venti Performs live at Eurovision Copenhagen]

Series: Genshin Impact

Cape Name: Barbados

Civilian Name: Venti Luft

Alias: Tone Deaf Bard, Lord of Anemo

Disposition: Musician, vagrant

Location: Varies, usually in Central Europe. Venti lives out of a Volkswagen Van, 1985 model, various color schemes and license plate numbers.

Note: This article will predominantly use masculine pronouns for Venti, despite evidence that Venti is capable of changing his gender on what largely appears to be a whim.

General Information: Very little is known about Venti Luft before his appearance in Munich on the 7th of October 2001. His first known activity involved getting into a bar fight against a group of thugs affiliated with the Land and Social Labor Reform Party, a German far right-wing party associated with the former Gesellschaft. He is believed to be the first member of the Anemo Cluster (disputed, see the [Vision vs. Parahuman] documentation), and is perhaps the most powerful of that group. Much like everything else about Venti, this is extremely hard to pin down.

What is known is that his two most frequent associates, [Capri Lakatos] and [Naomi Cohen] formed a new band with Venti, known as the [Tone Deaf Bards], or Tontaube Barden in German. They began to play at various venues in Munich, and later throughout Germany, Austria, Belgium, and the Netherlands. These locations were also, as it happened, strongholds for the Gesellschaft, and became hubs of activity of the new cape group called the [Knights of Favonius], headed by Venti under his cape name of Barbados.

Invariably, the Knights of Favonius would clash with the [Gesellschaft], though not always publicly and frequently in very odd ways. Often there would be instances of vandalism, petty theft, pranks, and public humiliation of various members of the Gesellschaft and their affiliated capes, along with more serious actions such as arson, kidnapping, and open cape battles. This would coincide with concerts performed by The Tone Deaf Bards, and probably use of Venti’s Master powers to incite the local audience to political action against the LSLR.

This culminated in the [Battle of Munich], which ultimately involved the death or imprisonment of most of the remaining Gesellschaft capes, as well as the revelation of Barbados and his full powers. After this, Venti vanished for several weeks, only to pop up with his band at Eurovision, where they made it all the way to the finals and won, despite performing in disguise and under a pseudonym. It is still uncertain exactly how Venti got his band in as a last minute substitute for Michelle, but it seems there was support from the Meisters and German public officials.

Despite achieving international fame both for his musical prowess and saving Munich as well as the complete dismantling of the Gesellschaft, Venti is apparently destitute. All of the Tone Deaf Bards music is in the public domain thanks to Venti selling the copyright to all his music to an open license distributor for the price of “a case of beers” in perpetuity. He and his band frequently perform in disguise, helped by Venti’s skill with both regular makeup and his Changer, Stranger, and Master powers. Often no one will know the band's identity until the time comes to collect their pay, which is usually barely enough to pay for their bar tab. Venti also continues to lead attacks on Gesellschaft capes, or groups with an ultra-right wing bent, AKA, “Nazis.”

It should be noted that while several religious groups have recognized Venti as an angelic being or divine spirit of some sort, Venti himself has repeatedly acted embarrassed at their overtures, and seems to avoid them as much as possible. The one exception is if meets them in a bar, in which case, he will attempt to get them to buy him drinks.

ADDENDUM, MARCH 5th 2011:

In recent months, reliable sources have indicated that Venti has started to operate within Protectorate Territory in the vicinity of Brockton Bay. PRT Troopers and capes should make themselves familiar with this document in preparation for a possible clash between Venti and certain refugees from the Gesellschaft in the [Empire 88] cape gang.

Classification - Changer 2, Trump 4, Mover 5, Brute 5, Master 7,  Breaker 9,  Shaker 10+, Blaster 10+,

Changer 2: Venti appears to be able to change his form to, well, her form, along with minor modifications to facial features and hair color that makes it extremely hard to identify them at a glance. The typical form is a young man, somewhere in the late teens or early 20s, with girlish features and dark hair formed into twin braids with the tips dyed green. It is reasonably certain that this is an actual, physical change, and not employment of physical disguises or other powers to baffle the senses.

Trump 4: Use of Thinker Powers on Venti lead to inconclusive results. Venti is often able to be viewed remotely or analyzed, but it will later be revealed that the image was completely wrong, or the analysis fatally flawed in some way, usually in a way that ends up being very embarrassing for those attempting to come up with a model. At other times, accurate views are possible, and no clear pattern has been able to be formulated as the strength of the Thinker attempting to use their powers on Venti appears to have little to no bearing on success.

GAMMA BLACK CLEARANCE REQUIRED TO VIEW:

Trump 11+: Venti has proven to be completely unreadable to Thinker powers at will, and seems to be aware on some level whenever a Thinker attempts to read him. A notable incident where asset “Tyche” went to Disneyland Paris when attempting to locate Venti, only to end up stuck on Big Thunder Mountain for several hours when the ride suddenly broke down.

A note was found taped to her seat, which consisted of a crude drawing of Venti mocking the asset. Venti, at the time, was in Prague.

Brute 5: Venti has taken blows that a normal human simply could not survive, though such hits do appear to have wounded him. He typically uses his Breaker state or Mover abilities to dodge such strikes, though with sufficient foes he can be beaten down. Venti does have regenerative abilities, which he can also confer upon others, as is standard for his classification group. His seems particularly potent, able to heal from serious injuries in seconds and minor wounds nearly instantly.

Physical punches from Venti can be infused with winds and can break bones, though he prefers to fight from a distance.

Mover 5: Venti can ride upon the winds, either in his Breaker form or simply to grant limited flight. He can also use gusts of wind to enhance his movement speed to a high degree, though thus far observed speeds cap at distinctly subsonic levels with a maximum measured flight speed 400 mph, and combat speeds being significantly slower at only about 60 mph. There is evidence to suggest Venti is sandbagging and staying at speeds slow enough to taunt his opponents, but even then he has been outsped by other Movers.

Master 7: Venti is able to influence the emotions and thoughts of large groups through his music. This is far beyond the standard response to performances by skilled artists, though by all accounts Venti himself is a true virtuoso. The exact extent of Venti’s influence is hard to gauge, but it has a profound effect on people. The only reason that such a high master rating has not immediately resulted in a coalition of European capes hunting Venti down is that thus far, uses of his powers seem to mostly inspire feelings of hope, confidence, and joy in those who hear it. The application of these powers to bolster morale and inspire large groups cannot be overestimated, though one needs to be present and physically hear Venti’s performance. Radio and Television broadcasts have severely diminished effects, if one at all.

The one exception to this is when Venti’s music convinced several Gesellschaft capes to reverse their previously white supremasist and authoritarian beliefs, though whether this was his Master Powers or just the emotional effect of a genius talent performing his heart out is up for debate.

Breaker 9: Venti has the ability to turn into a gust of wind, with a distinct green tint. This wind can pass through any membrane or medium that is not airtight, resulting in Venti being able to escape from almost any situation as well as gain access to facilities that would be otherwise impenetrable. While in this form, Venti can only affect the world in the same ways a stiff breeze could, but he’s largely invulnerable as no known powers have been able to damage or hinder him while in this form. It also seems he can stay in this form for an unlimited duration, and he can use it to travel great distances in a short period of time.

Blaster 10+: Venti has the ability to conjure up a tinkertech bow (see article: [Skyward Harp]) that he uses to fire arrows capable of inflicting gale force winds on his opponents, as well call up winds that can immobilize individuals. He can also create vacuums of wind to suck people into an enclosed space, or remove all the air from a room and cause people to pass out. He has been observed to call up tornadoes of EF-5 intensity, though typically he limits himself to much less extreme winds. The range of his abilities seems to be beyond line of sight, if reports of him calling down a tornado to ruin a Gesellschaft executive retreat from several kilometers away are to be believed. It is extremely unlikely that a natural tornado caused that damage, but Venti never claimed responsibility. Still, it is best for PRT troopers and capes to assume that if Venti is in the vicinity he can summon incredibly damaging winds. In addition, there are similar powers that have been classified as Shaker.

Shaker 10+: Identical to Venti’s Blaster rating, he has demonstrated the ability to call up windstorms of at least 100 kilometers in diameter, though he has only demonstrated the peak of this ability once during the Battle of Munich. Still, this highly destructive ability combined with the wide area his tornadoes can grow to cover mean that Venti is one of the most dangerous capes known when it comes to wide area damage. The winds were clocked in excess of 300 MPH, greater than any natural wind storm known and completely flattened buildings.

CLASSIFIED: DELTA GREEN CLEARANCE REQUIRED TO VIEW

Stranger 12+: In addition to his infiltration abilities granted by his Breaker state, strong evidence suggests that Venti is able to hear conversations held in the open air that he has zero business being able to. Conversations that were held in private when Venti was hundreds if not thousands of miles away were repeated verbatim by Venti. It has been observed that no conversations held indoors have been overheard, and Thinkers theorize that Venti can only hear words spoken outdoors. The suggestion is that he hears “whispers on the wind,” and it has also been demonstrated that Venti is a polyglot to the point that no known living language is outside of his ability to speak with native fluency. Extreme care must be taken when speaking about Venti or discussing secrets he should not overhear.

It should also be noted that it is suspected that the infamous internet troll GreenTwink is Venti’s online alias, and explains why so many embarrassing secrets of people who insult or disparage Venti or promote an authoritarian ideology end up spread all over various websites.

Recommended Strategies: Venti is nearly impossible to contain and harder to surprise. The answer is immediate and overwhelming firepower from multiple capes with long range abilities. The average PRT trooper should attempt to disengage and call for backup: engaging Venti in combat by an average human is going to be an extremely frustrating venture, with ordinance frequently returned (often disarmed) to sender on a gust of wind. Typically, confrontations with Venti should be avoided, as he is a largely heroic cape and his crimes typically amount to no more than public drunkenness or petty vandalism.

If direct combat is inevitable, it’s best to seek sturdy shelter and to attempt to force Venti into a situation where his Breaker powers would not be as useful, such as an underground bunker. Note that if this is done, PRT troopers should wear well secured breathing masks as Venti has removed all the air from an enemy's underground stronghold more than once. This has never resulted in fatalities, only unconsciousness, but this is more due to Venti’s usual antipathy towards lethal force than anything else. This is strictly for those he perceives not to be fascists or villains who have committed atrocities, as Venti has proven he is willing to take the gloves off and employ lethal force in extreme circumstances.

NOTES: Something odd has happened in the past between Venti and [Raiden], who he calls “Shogunator”. This is evidenced by her chasing Venti through the streets of Berlin for several hours in a rage, though later they were witnessed drinking at a bar together. Further study on this is merited, though not at the expense of public safety.

Legend of Galactic Zeroes, Space Battles Approved Edition

Commissioned by my patron Shaderic

Beta’d and edited by the Grand Cogitator and Dr_Feelgood

Despite being a bunch of crazy “pirates,” Kazuma had to be impressed with the Crimson Demons’ engineering skills. Not only was their ship basically a massive spaceborn mecha carrier that also boasted enough guns to deep fry a planet, but it honestly looked completely sick. Sure, the giant sunglasses on the front of the ship made it look like a Gurren Lagann rip off, but considering what he called his own mecha he was in no position to complain. Besides, that was basically the best super robot show ever in Kazuma’s opinion, even if he firmly believed the ending was trash. He would take better care of his best girls.

The other part that had earned his respect was what they had done to the Axis Queen.

“Noooo! My baby! My beautiful baby!” Aqua wailed, pressing her face up against the dropship's viewport as her former ship drew close enough to see. While previously Aqua’s ship had been a gaudy mess, it was now a sleek, deadly looking ship that lacked the massive number of cannons of the Dread Pirate Crimson, the Axis Queen now had at least some impressive engines and shielding, along with some point defense lasers.

“Looks like they managed to make it not useless. Maybe I should drop you off with the Crimson Demon Engineers for a few weeks and see if they can improve you,” Kazuma told Aqua, which made her cry and try to hit him. He managed to dodge most of the hits, but one glancing blow made his arm go numb, and later he’d have a welt the size of a grapefruit. He sort of forgot that she was pretty strong most of the time.

“Crimson Demons are the finest engineers in the galaxy! And I am the Foremost Genius among them!” Megumin bragged, puffing out her chest, where ‘Chomusuke’ poked out of the zipper of her jumpsuit.

“Well, you made my ship all ugly and mean looking! It’s not fair! And I bet you even took out my hot tub and feather bed!” Aqua whined.

“We are going into combat. Such luxuries do not belong aboard a warship,” Darkness said, shaking her head as they drew close to the airlock on the Axis Queen.”

“Whoa, let’s not get ahead of ourselves! I like my creature comforts as much as the next guy,” Kazuma said. “They at least left the arcade cabinets, right?”

“Um, we did have to get rid of some nonessentials…the power systems were kinda a mass, and, um, well…most of it seemed like junk we could sell for salvage,” Yunyun said from the pilot’s chair.

“Let’s face it Aqua, your ship needed some refits for our current mission,” Chris said, turning from her place as the co-pilot and winking at Aqua.

“But I spent all my money on that ship!” Aqua cried, putting her head in her hands. “All my bonuses from Employee of the Month! Gone!”

“W-well, if it makes you feel any better, um, we did use most of the money from the salvage to upgrade the engines, shields, and weapons, so, uh, the value is mostly unchanged,” Yunyun offered as the two ships docked together.

Aqua scrambled down the docking tube as the others followed her, and they found themselves in an entirely different ship. The gilt and fine carpets and marble were gone, replaced with much more utilitarian padding and metal. The entire layout seemed to have been ripped out, then replaced with much more spartan living quarters of far smaller size, as well as a dedicated engineering bay with a far more practical setup.

However, one thing above all offended Aqua.

“It’s RED!” Aqua said, looking aghast at the interior decor. Indeed, everything had been painted in either crimson or black, which wasn’t the most eye searing combination ever, but it did get a little dull and boring.

“Well duh,” Megumin said, shrugging. “We are the Crimson Pirate Clan after all.”

“I-I did want to paint part of it pink, o-or paint different sections other colors to make them easier to distinguish, but, um…I got overruled,” Yunyun said with a sigh.

“I can live with the stupid weapons and the cheap furniture, but I refuse for my ship to have such a stupid color scheme!” Aqua huffed, pulling out a bandana and tying it over her hair. She grabbed her jumpsuit and ripped it off, causing Kazuma to cover his eyes in panic. However, it turned out she was fully dressed in a baggy and stained T-shirt and overalls under that, and was now somehow holding a paint roller with an entire bag of painter’s tools at her side.

“Ooo, can I make a request for something in silver and green?” Chris asked hopefully.

“I would not mind something with yellow and white, I favor those colors myself,” Darkness added.

Megumin shook her head. “No! Crimson and Red are the most dramatic colors! I demand they stay!”

“I’ll leave a section that color, don’t worry,” Aqua said, starting to plop down some buckets of paint. Where was she getting those from? And Kazuma was pretty sure the answer wasn’t just “nanomachines.”

“Well, you’ve got…how long until we get to Alcantrettia?” Kazuma asked Yunyun.

“With the new engines…about 14 hours, i-it’s just another moon in orbit, but, um, it’s at the far side of the planet right now.”

They didn’t leave right away, though Aqua did get right to painting. They had to load on some supplies and even take on some support staff, most of whom Aqua immediately wrangled into her painting project. One set, however, Kazuma and Darkness needed to address directly.

“Sir Kazuma, it is my pleasure to serve aboard this vessel with you,” Mitsurugi said, saluting Kazuma as the two gum flavors glared daggers over his shoulders.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Kazuma said, reflecting the glares right back. “Why did you even come aboard?”

“Why, Lady Lalatina needs a bodyguard, as do you as her future consort,” Mitsurugi said. He stepped closer, putting a hand on Kazuma’s shoulder despite Kazuma’s attempt to slide away, ending with Kazuma pinned up against the wall. “But I look forward to serving you very…personally. I remember our time together and-”

Mitsurugi let out a yip as Darkness grabbed him by the collar and hoisted him back. “While I have agreed to share Kazuma, it is not with you.”

“L-lady Lalatina, I must confess, I have to apologize, but, ah, while I am no longer seeking to court you, I assure you that I have nothing but respect for your wishes. However, can you not see the bond of love between brothers in arms?”

“Way to name two fetishes I am very much not into,” Kazuma grumbled. He glanced at the two girls, who looked offended (and very turned on).

“You should be honored by Sir Mitsurugi’s attentions!” the pink one said.

The green one nodded. “Yes, clearly you two were meant for one another!”

“And if you both decide you need an heir…”

“We would be honored to bear Sir Mitsurugi’s child!”

Darkness looked angry enough to chew rocks, or beat these interlopers within an inch of their lives. Megumin and Chris were thankfully elsewhere, but if they had been nearby Kazuma would have given even odds these three would be either sucking vacuum or full of new breathing holes.

“Tell you what, Mitsurugi, old pal,” Kazuma said, gently guiding Darkness’ arm down until she let the man go. “I have quarters, near mine, that are perfect for you. We’re short on space, so your two friends will have to bunk with you.”

That instantly got all three of their attentions, though Mitsurugi frowned at the gum flavors. “I…am not certain I want to share our bunk with ladies, it would not be appropriate.”

Kazuma and Darkness shared a look, and both blushed. Kazuma actually had three roommates, and only one bed. It was a big bed, but still. “Not to worry, not to worry, I’ll show you right there.”

Kazuma led them through the corridors, past Aqua’s painting project. Megumin was directing it, and they had to stop and gawk for a moment at the breathtaking tableau featuring the battle against Wolbach. Despite it being only ordinary paint, the weapons seemed to glow, and the mecha move as Aqua illustrated the details. Kazuma even looked fairly heroic, and thankfully Aqua had picked a moment where Mitsurugi wasn’t involved, instead Kazuma and Darkness were fused and in a somewhat compromising position.

“It’s not bad,” Mitusrugi commented, “But shouldn’t I be there, heroically standing with Kazuma, as he pours his power into me?”

“Yeah let’s get you to your bunks,” Kazuma said as Megumin turned in a fury.

Aqua, however, only glanced over. “Wait, who’s that?”

“No one you need to worry about,” Darkness told her, shepherding the two girls along. She looked angry still, but interested in what Kazuma was doing.

“Right, here’s your room,” Kazuma said, shoving Mitsurugi into a small chamber. He motioned Darkness to push the girls in as well.

“Hey, this doesn’t look like a bedroom,” Mitsurugi commented. “There’s not even a bathroom.”

“Oh, you’ll find it,” Kazuma said, slamming the outside button to close the door. He pushed a few more buttons, and an alarm blared.

“Hey, this isn’t a bedroom!” Pink wailed.

“This is an escape pod!” Green shouted.

Mitsurugi pressed his face up to the glass as Kazuma and Darkness waved cheerily goodbye. “Kazuma! How could you! Or…or do you love me so much, you cannot bear to see me go into battle?”

Kazuma rolled his eyes, then grabbed Darkness and pulled her into a kiss. She drew him close, leaning down and passionately returning the kiss. Kazuma held up his middle finger to MItsurugi as the escape pod launched, sending all three of his headaches somewhere deep into Axel’s deserts.

“That was a low, vile thing to do to your rival,” Darkness giggled, running a finger down Kazuma’s sternum.

“If he was just my rival I could have tolerated it. But he was your rival, so fuck him,” Kazuma said, groping Darkness’ rear end hard. “Or rather, I’d rather fuck you instead.”

“Oh, how forward of you! Would you take me, here and now, to assert your dominance?” Darkness asked hopefully.

“Later. Right now we’ve got to make sure that we don’t show up at Arcanrettia and get our face punched in. Not too late to just take this on a joy ride, right?”

“We wouldn’t last long without fresh water, and I will not abandon our duty,” Darkness said firmly. Then she blushed again. “Though…we do have a long flight…and a state room…”

“Where’s that stupid jerk and his flunkies?!”

Kazuma and Darkness both jumped as Megumin stomped in, wearing a pair of overalls and a red shirt along with a floppy red cap, which made her look an awful lot like a deranged version of Mario. It would have been a mystery as to where she got the outfit, but Kazuma had a pretty good idea it was Aqua since the entire painter’s crew were wearing matching outfits just like  it.

“Oh, we spaced them,” Kazuma said, jerking a thumb to the empty escape pod.

Megumin’s eyes gleamed. “Really? I didn’t think the two of you had it in you.”

“We put him in an escape pod. He is one of my vassals, I wouldn’t kill him just for hitting on me,” Darkness said in exasperation. Then she frowned. “Though if he keeps hitting on Kazuma I’m not adverse to sending him on a series of suicide missions.”

“Oh. Well, the point defense systems do need a test if he’s not too far away,” Megumin mused. When Darkness glared at her, she shrugged. “We could always have you take the shots if we don’t want him to actually die. No? Oh well. Darkness, Chris wants you to go help her with the crew roster since you’re technically in command of the ship.”

“Ah, yes. Well, duty calls,” Darkness sighed, giving Kazuma and Megumin both a quick kiss on the cheek before heading off down the corridor.

Kazuma watched her go, until he realized Megumin was watching him. “What? If you want to go do some target practice on Mitsurugi, I won’t stop you.”

“I am merely wondering if you are so distracted by her butt, that is so large I wonder sometimes how she fits in her cockpit, that you would ignore the other girl right in front of you,” Megumin said, turning away and folding her arms over her chest.

“Oh what, jealous? I’m sure she’d let you spank her if you wanted to,” Kazuma snorted.

“Hmph. Well, I was going to ask you for something, but perhaps you should simply go paint like the rest of the cretins,” Megumin said.

“Hey, I’m not ignoring you, I just…” Kazuma sighed and walked over to Megumin, who turned away from him, still looking upset. “Look, I know you’ve not always been so enthusiastic about this…thing we have going.”

Megumin remained silent, but nodded slightly.

“I took a peek in our cabin and they didn’t toss all of Aqua’s liquor. Come on, let’s get a drink and talk.”

Megumin looked up, startled. “You would treat me as an adult?”

“I mean if you were actually jailbait this wouldn’t be happening, and we’re in international waters now. Or, uh-”

Megumin laughed and flounced off. “Space is not an ocean, Trashzuma, but I will consent to having a drink with you.”

Kazuma followed her to their state room, which was already redecorated. It was actually rather opulent for a warship, with a large bed, a couch and some chairs, and a small private dining table. There was also an attached private bathroom, though none of it was even as large as Darkness’ sitting room in the ducal palace.

There were also touches that let Kazuma know that the room was meant for all three of the girls, from a red workbench with Megumin’s various weapons diagrams on it, to a shield with the crest of the Dustiness family on the wall, and Chris’ collection of lockpicks laid out neatly on a dresser. Then Kazuma saw the poster of Kurumi Tokisaki from Date-a-Live in a maid uniform on the wall, and hastily ran over to take it down.

Sure, it was an exact copy of the one in his room, but why had Aqua felt the need to put it up here!?

“So, that was yours then?” Megumin snickered, sliding between Kazuma and the poster. “I wondered who this member of the Crimson Pirate Clan was, and why she had on a maid outfit. And why she’s flashing her panties.”

“Um, this is a mistake, we should, uh, just take that down and put it somewhere safe,” Kazuma said, trying to push past Megumin to get it down. Even if Kurumi looked very sexy, and Date-a-Live was Kazuma’s favorite anime. If someone asked, he’d say something cool like Gurren Lagan, or something pretentious like Evangelion, but he was a sucker for dumb ecchi harem shows.

“So, is this your ideal woman,” Megumin asked, grabbing the poster before Kazuma could and skipping away to examine it. “One who flaunts her body, and is overly developed?”

“She’s uh, not actually that stacked, I have a much better poster with her real cup size at home,” Kazuma said before he fully thought it through.

“Oh?” Megumin paused, holding the poster up and examining it more carefully, pursing her lips. Then she turned to Kazuma. “And what if I demanded that you dress up in such a becoming outfit?”

“What, like a butler one?” Kazuma asked, speculatively.

Megumin rolled up the poster and sighed. “I do not have the same fetishes as you do, Kazutrash. No, I have a different idea for your garb.”

To Kazuma’s surprise, Megumin went over to her bag, and got out a folded pair of clothes, passing them to him with a blush. “Perhaps I will look favorably upon you if you were to wear these.”

Kazuma took the clothes, then an idea popped into his head. “If I wear these…would you wear an outfit for me?”

“Hmm. I think Chris still has her barmaid uniform, and our sizes are similar. I suppose I might consider it, though I would think Darkness would be more into this sort of roleplay,” Megumin said, blushing. She glanced at the poster, then nodded. “Yes. I suppose I can try.”

Suddenly excited, Kazuma took the clothes and hurried into the bathroom. He started to change, then paused when he realized just what the clothes were. Really, he should have known. There was a long black cloak with crimson liner, a jacket with a red skull and crossbones on the chest, white pants, three belts, and of course, an eye patch. There was even a blue hilted rapier.

It was, in short, a Captain Harlock costume.

For a moment, Kazuma was giddy with glee, then he froze. There was no way Megumin could ever find out that he had cosplayed as Captain Harlock at a couple of conventions. Sure, his costume had been off the rack and this looked like a high quality outfit that you could actually wear, but it would still be embarrassing for people to see him in this.

However…he was also pretty sure that if he did a sufficient impression of Captain Harlock, Megumin would be over the moon about it.

It took a bit of doing to get the outfit on, with all the extra bits and bobs and more belts than was at all practical, but Kazuma got it on properly, even the eye patch. He knocked on the door, which made him feel kinda silly, and asked, “Megumin, are you changed?”

“Yes, ‘master.’”

Taking a deep breath, Kazuma threw open the door, putting on his best glower, and stopped into the room. He froze for a moment when he saw Megumin dressed in the maid outfit, giving him a clumsy curtsy. “Welcome home, ‘master,’” she said in the very best tsundere maid character voice.

Well, actually, it was more her normal voice when she was being scornful, but she certainly nailed it, complete with her luminescent blush.

Clearing his throat, Kazuma threw back his cloak and struck a dramatic pose. “I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie! The truth is, the Space Devil King has become our worst enemy. They've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. I am Captain Kazuma, and I command the crew of the pirate ship Axis Queen. The time has come for all mankind to take a stand…”

As Kazuma spoke, Megumin jerked upright, and was staring at him open-mouthed. He stumbled over a word or two, thinking she was going to mock him, until a huge grin blossomed over her face and she clapped her hands to her cheeks, looking almost star struck. When he finished, she ran over, grabbing him excitedly.

“Yes! That is exactly the sort of introduction that a Crimson Pirate should strive to give! Those sort of dramatic pronouncements are the sort of super cool speeches that show your foes and friends alike how cool you are, and that you are a truly worthy foe!”

“I, uh, thanks. You, um, look cute,” Kazuma mumbled.

“Just cute,” Megumin said, stepping back. She blushed, and pulled up her skirt for a moment, giving Kazuma an eyeful.

“Beautiful,” Kazuma amended, his voice suddenly husky.

“Hmph. Well. Then I suppose I will give my Captain permission to kiss me.”

This time, there were no interruptions, though there were still several mistakes. At the end of it, Kazuma and Megumin were panting and breathless, and Kazuma could finally officially state he wasn’t a virgin even in the technical sense any longer.

Shortly after they were done, Megumin hurried off to the bathroom, and Kazuma sat there, feeling dazed for a minute. Megumin came out with some small towels and had him help her clean both himself up and the mess they’d made on the bed. That done, she lay down and pulled him beside her.

“Well. How was your first experience? Am I not truly the foremost genius among this harem, having crossed the finish line with both you and Chris first?”

“What, is this some sort of competition to you?” Kazuma asked, feeling a bit hurt.

She nodded smugly. “Obviously. I have claimed your seed first, and thus am your first true lover.”

“I mean I guess- OH SHIT!”

Kazuma sat bolt upright, his heart thundering.

“What? What?” Megumin demanded, jumping out of bed and looking around like a frightened cat.

“I, I finished in you! What if you get pregnant!?” Kazuma said, clutching his head in his hands.

Megumin looked at him incredulously, then snarled and poked him in the chest. “Oh? Do you find the thought of having a child with me so repulsive?!”

“No, I mean, I’d love to have kids with you, they’d be super cute and I hope it’s a girl because little girls with dark hair and red eyes are just the most adorable, but you’re only 18 and I’m 20! We’re not ready to be parents! And we’re fighting a war! Oh shit, did I fuck up?”

Megumin regarded him for a moment. “So, you are pleased at the thought of me bearing your first child?”

“Well, I mean…yeah, that does sound pretty hot,” Kazuma admitted.

“Too bad, I’ll have Darkness’ daughter first,” Megumin informed him, causing Kazuma to blink at her rapidly.

“Uh, I can’t decide if that’s the hottest thing I’ve ever heard, or if I should be offended.”

She rolled her eyes. “I am on birth control. I am not an idiot. I have an implant to prevent pregnancy. I, ah, have not had cause to need it before now, but…well. Anyway, as Darkness is the noblewoman, I must bear her child first. I do promise to have yours next, then probably Chris’, though perhaps I should simply use an incubator, I do not wish to spend several years of my life bloated and uncomfortable.”

“Oh, uh…” Kazuma scratched his head. “So…we can just have sex whenever we want?”

“Yes, but I do not think my distraction will keep Darkness busy much longer and there is work to be done,” Megumin said, going over and picking out some far less sexy but probably more comfortable underwear from a dresser. “Get dressed, we cannot simply laze about in bed all day.”

Kazuma nodded, going over to get his own clothes. He paused, then went over and pinched Megumin on the bottom as she was bent over, making her squeak and jerk upright. He kissed her. “Love you.”

“Um, yes. Love you too,” Megumin mumbled, then kissed Kazuma. Then he pinned her to the dresser.

“K-Kazuma!”

“Hey, I’m already at half mast, and what’s another minute or two?” he said.

Megumin glared at him, then turned around and bent over the dresser. “Fine. I suppose I will consent to-AH! Yes! Faster!”

The second time was longer and sloppier and they both had to clean up in the bathroom afterwards, then sneak out of the room like a pair of kids afraid they’d be caught stealing cookies. Kazuma poked his head out of the door first, then seeing  a clear passage, motioned for Megumin to follow as they both tiptoed out.

“So, how was it?” Chris asked, seeming to appear behind the door from nowhere, grinning with her arms crossed as she leaned against the wall.

“I, uh, we were just um,” Kazuma began, stammering and feeling self conscious.

“We did it twice. He is not as skillful as you with his fingers, but it was a very different experience. Also, I win,” Megumin said, smiling smugly at Chris.

“Well as long as you enjoyed yourselves. It certainly took you both long enough, I had to cover for you like three times! Come on, we’re ready to launch,” Chris said, standing and striding off towards the bridge.

The ship had been transformed, earning some mutters from Megumin that she liked the old color scheme better, though even she had to admit that the new murals and color scheme were quite pleasing. Aqua had even gone with a special color scheme for each sector of the ship, with crew quarters being a warm earth tones, life support the blue of a babbling brook, the mech bay sharp angles and metallic colors, and the bridge professional grays and whites, with various other sections painted to show their purpose at a glance.

On the bridge, Darkness was waiting along with Yunyun, and she nodded to them both. “There you are, I’m glad to-” her nostrils flared, and she let out a gasp. “Y-you were both-? While we were working!? Oh, what a scandalous-”

“Uh, what are you talking about? Why are you s-smiling at me like that, Megumin?” Yunyun asked hesitantly.

“I’ll tell you later, when you’re more mature,” Megumin said, taking Kazuma’s hand.

Yunyun’s brow furrowed, but then she sighed and pointed to the holographic map display. “W-we’re ready to set out. O-our scouts are already in the area, and they say t-that the Devil King’s forces are being led by Hans. H-he’s on the planet's surface, and we’ll have to act fast to keep the w-water supply from being contaminated.”

“Will be be attacked en route?” Kazuma asked, frowning and giving Megumin’s hand a squeeze. He slipped his other hand into Darkness’, which made her blush and then give him a dopey grin.

“Y-yes. It’s very likely. I-I will be deployed with some of the Clan. Um, w-we need to keep some reserves but-”

“Kazuma and I will lead the van!” Darkness declared. She nodded to Chris. “You and Megumin hold yourselves in reserve. We shall need stealth and firepower when we reach the planet and confront Hans. Aqua, your work on the ship was lovely, but with the supplies stowed, we need you prepared in your support mech.”

“Alright! We’ll beat up stinky Hans, and keep the water safe!” Aqua declared, nodding determinedly. It was somewhat undermined by the speckle of white paint at the tip of her nose, and the paintbrush she had shoved into her back pocket.

“I guess it’s too much to ask for a nap before we set out?” Kazuma sighed. He shook his head. From the peak of heaven to the valley of death. Then he looked at Darkness, who was shifting from side to side eagerly. Well. Maybe the valley wouldn’t be so bad.

Legend of Galactic Zeroes, Chapter 18 (NSFW edition)

Commissioned by my patron Shaderic

Beta’d and edited by the Grand Cogitator and Dr_Feelgood

Despite being a bunch of crazy “pirates,” Kazuma had to be impressed with the Crimson Demons’ engineering skills. Not only was their ship basically a massive spaceborn mecha carrier that also boasted enough guns to deep fry a planet, but it honestly looked completely sick. Sure, the giant sunglasses on the front of the ship made it look like a Gurren Lagann rip off, but considering what he called his own mecha he was in no position to complain. Besides, that was basically the best super robot show ever in Kazuma’s opinion, even if he firmly believed the ending was trash. He would take better care of his best girls.

The other part that had earned his respect was what they had done to the Axis Queen.

“Noooo! My baby! My beautiful baby!” Aqua wailed, pressing her face up against the dropship's viewport as her former ship drew close enough to see. While previously Aqua’s ship had been a gaudy mess, it was now a sleek, deadly looking ship that lacked the massive number of cannons of the Dread Pirate Crimson, the Axis Queen now had at least some impressive engines and shielding, along with some point defense lasers.

“Looks like they managed to make it not useless. Maybe I should drop you off with the Crimson Demon Engineers for a few weeks and see if they can improve you,” Kazuma told Aqua, which made her cry and try to hit him. He managed to dodge most of the hits, but one glancing blow made his arm go numb, and later he’d have a welt the size of a grapefruit. He sort of forgot that she was pretty strong most of the time.

“Crimson Demons are the finest engineers in the galaxy! And I am the Foremost Genius among them!” Megumin bragged, puffing out her chest, where ‘Chomusuke’ poked out of the zipper of her jumpsuit.

“Well, you made my ship all ugly and mean looking! It’s not fair! And I bet you even took out my hot tub and feather bed!” Aqua whined.

“We are going into combat. Such luxuries do not belong aboard a warship,” Darkness said, shaking her head as they drew close to the airlock on the Axis Queen.”

“Whoa, let’s not get ahead of ourselves! I like my creature comforts as much as the next guy,” Kazuma said. “They at least left the arcade cabinets, right?”

“Um, we did have to get rid of some nonessentials…the power systems were kinda a mass, and, um, well…most of it seemed like junk we could sell for salvage,” Yunyun said from the pilot’s chair.

“Let’s face it Aqua, your ship needed some refits for our current mission,” Chris said, turning from her place as the co-pilot and winking at Aqua.

“But I spent all my money on that ship!” Aqua cried, putting her head in her hands. “All my bonuses from Employee of the Month! Gone!”

“W-well, if it makes you feel any better, um, we did use most of the money from the salvage to upgrade the engines, shields, and weapons, so, uh, the value is mostly unchanged,” Yunyun offered as the two ships docked together.

Aqua scrambled down the docking tube as the others followed her, and they found themselves in an entirely different ship. The gilt and fine carpets and marble were gone, replaced with much more utilitarian padding and metal. The entire layout seemed to have been ripped out, then replaced with much more spartan living quarters of far smaller size, as well as a dedicated engineering bay with a far more practical setup.

However, one thing above all offended Aqua.

“It’s RED!” Aqua said, looking aghast at the interior decor. Indeed, everything had been painted in either crimson or black, which wasn’t the most eye searing combination ever, but it did get a little dull and boring.

“Well duh,” Megumin said, shrugging. “We are the Crimson Pirate Clan after all.”

“I-I did want to paint part of it pink, o-or paint different sections other colors to make them easier to distinguish, but, um…I got overruled,” Yunyun said with a sigh.

“I can live with the stupid weapons and the cheap furniture, but I refuse for my ship to have such a stupid color scheme!” Aqua huffed, pulling out a bandana and tying it over her hair. She grabbed her jumpsuit and ripped it off, causing Kazuma to cover his eyes in panic. However, it turned out she was fully dressed in a baggy and stained T-shirt and overalls under that, and was now somehow holding a paint roller with an entire bag of painter’s tools at her side.

“Ooo, can I make a request for something in silver and green?” Chris asked hopefully.

“I would not mind something with yellow and white, I favor those colors myself,” Darkness added.

Megumin shook her head. “No! Crimson and Red are the most dramatic colors! I demand they stay!”

“I’ll leave a section that color, don’t worry,” Aqua said, starting to plop down some buckets of paint. Where was she getting those from? And Kazuma was pretty sure the answer wasn’t just “nanomachines.”

“Well, you’ve got…how long until we get to Alcantrettia?” Kazuma asked Yunyun.

“With the new engines…about 14 hours, i-it’s just another moon in orbit, but, um, it’s at the far side of the planet right now.”

They didn’t leave right away, though Aqua did get right to painting. They had to load on some supplies and even take on some support staff, most of whom Aqua immediately wrangled into her painting project. One set, however, Kazuma and Darkness needed to address directly.

“Sir Kazuma, it is my pleasure to serve aboard this vessel with you,” Mitsurugi said, saluting Kazuma as the two gum flavors glared daggers over his shoulders.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Kazuma said, reflecting the glares right back. “Why did you even come aboard?”

“Why, Lady Lalatina needs a bodyguard, as do you as her future consort,” Mitsurugi said. He stepped closer, putting a hand on Kazuma’s shoulder despite Kazuma’s attempt to slide away, ending with Kazuma pinned up against the wall. “But I look forward to serving you very…personally. I remember our time together and-”

Mitsurugi let out a yip as Darkness grabbed him by the collar and hoisted him back. “While I have agreed to share Kazuma, it is not with you.”

“L-lady Lalatina, I must confess, I have to apologize, but, ah, while I am no longer seeking to court you, I assure you that I have nothing but respect for your wishes. However, can you not see the bond of love between brothers in arms?”

“Way to name two fetishes I am very much not into,” Kazuma grumbled. He glanced at the two girls, who looked offended (and very turned on).

“You should be honored by Sir Mitsurugi’s attentions!” the pink one said.

The green one nodded. “Yes, clearly you two were meant for one another!”

“And if you both decide you need an heir…”

“We would be honored to bear Sir Mitsurugi’s child!”

Darkness looked angry enough to chew rocks, or beat these interlopers within an inch of their lives. Megumin and Chris were thankfully elsewhere, but if they had been nearby Kazuma would have given even odds these three would be either sucking vacuum or full of new breathing holes.

“Tell you what, Mitsurugi, old pal,” Kazuma said, gently guiding Darkness’ arm down until she let the man go. “I have quarters, near mine, that are perfect for you. We’re short on space, so your two friends will have to bunk with you.”

That instantly got all three of their attentions, though Mitsurugi frowned at the gum flavors. “I…am not certain I want to share our bunk with ladies, it would not be appropriate.”

Kazuma and Darkness shared a look, and both blushed. Kazuma actually had three roommates, and only one bed. It was a big bed, but still. “Not to worry, not to worry, I’ll show you right there.”

Kazuma led them through the corridors, past Aqua’s painting project. Megumin was directing it, and they had to stop and gawk for a moment at the breathtaking tableau featuring the battle against Wolbach. Despite it being only ordinary paint, the weapons seemed to glow, and the mecha move as Aqua illustrated the details. Kazuma even looked fairly heroic, and thankfully Aqua had picked a moment where Mitsurugi wasn’t involved, instead Kazuma and Darkness were fused and in a somewhat compromising position.

“It’s not bad,” Mitusrugi commented, “But shouldn’t I be there, heroically standing with Kazuma, as he pours his power into me?”

“Yeah let’s get you to your bunks,” Kazuma said as Megumin turned in a fury.

Aqua, however, only glanced over. “Wait, who’s that?”

“No one you need to worry about,” Darkness told her, shepherding the two girls along. She looked angry still, but interested in what Kazuma was doing.

“Right, here’s your room,” Kazuma said, shoving Mitsurugi into a small chamber. He motioned Darkness to push the girls in as well.

“Hey, this doesn’t look like a bedroom,” Mitsurugi commented. “There’s not even a bathroom.”

“Oh, you’ll find it,” Kazuma said, slamming the outside button to close the door. He pushed a few more buttons, and an alarm blared.

“Hey, this isn’t a bedroom!” Pink wailed.

“This is an escape pod!” Green shouted.

Mitsurugi pressed his face up to the glass as Kazuma and Darkness waved cheerily goodbye. “Kazuma! How could you! Or…or do you love me so much, you cannot bear to see me go into battle?”

Kazuma rolled his eyes, then grabbed Darkness and pulled her into a kiss. She drew him close, leaning down and passionately returning the kiss. Kazuma held up his middle finger to MItsurugi as the escape pod launched, sending all three of his headaches somewhere deep into Axel’s deserts.

“That was a low, vile thing to do to your rival,” Darkness giggled, running a finger down Kazuma’s sternum.

“If he was just my rival I could have tolerated it. But he was your rival, so fuck him,” Kazuma said, groping Darkness’ rear end hard. “Or rather, I’d rather fuck you instead.”

“Oh, how forward of you! Would you take me, here and now, to assert your dominance?” Darkness asked hopefully.

“Later. Right now we’ve got to make sure that we don’t show up at Arcanrettia and get our face punched in. Not too late to just take this on a joy ride, right?”

“We wouldn’t last long without fresh water, and I will not abandon our duty,” Darkness said firmly. Then she blushed again. “Though…we do have a long flight…and a state room…”

“Where’s that stupid jerk and his flunkies?!”

Kazuma and Darkness both jumped as Megumin stomped in, wearing a pair of overalls and a red shirt along with a floppy red cap, which made her look an awful lot like a deranged version of Mario. It would have been a mystery as to where she got the outfit, but Kazuma had a pretty good idea it was Aqua since the entire painter’s crew were wearing matching outfits just like  it.

“Oh, we spaced them,” Kazuma said, jerking a thumb to the empty escape pod.

Megumin’s eyes gleamed. “Really? I didn’t think the two of you had it in you.”

“We put him in an escape pod. He is one of my vassals, I wouldn’t kill him just for hitting on me,” Darkness said in exasperation. Then she frowned. “Though if he keeps hitting on Kazuma I’m not adverse to sending him on a series of suicide missions.”

“Oh. Well, the point defense systems do need a test if he’s not too far away,” Megumin mused. When Darkness glared at her, she shrugged. “We could always have you take the shots if we don’t want him to actually die. No? Oh well. Darkness, Chris wants you to go help her with the crew roster since you’re technically in command of the ship.”

“Ah, yes. Well, duty calls,” Darkness sighed, giving Kazuma and Megumin both a quick kiss on the cheek before heading off down the corridor.

Kazuma watched her go, until he realized Megumin was watching him. “What? If you want to go do some target practice on Mitsurugi, I won’t stop you.”

“I am merely wondering if you are so distracted by her butt, that is so large I wonder sometimes how she fits in her cockpit, that you would ignore the other girl right in front of you,” Megumin said, turning away and folding her arms over her chest.

“Oh what, jealous? I’m sure she’d let you spank her if you wanted to,” Kazuma snorted.

“Hmph. Well, I was going to ask you for something, but perhaps you should simply go paint like the rest of the cretins,” Megumin said.

“Hey, I’m not ignoring you, I just…” Kazuma sighed and walked over to Megumin, who turned away from him, still looking upset. “Look, I know you’ve not always been so enthusiastic about this…thing we have going.”

Megumin remained silent, but nodded slightly.

“I took a peek in our cabin and they didn’t toss all of Aqua’s liquor. Come on, let’s get a drink and talk.”

Megumin looked up, startled. “You would treat me as an adult?”

“I mean if you were actually jailbait this wouldn’t be happening, and we’re in international waters now. Or, uh-”

Megumin laughed and flounced off. “Space is not an ocean, Trashzuma, but I will consent to having a drink with you.”

Kazuma followed her to their state room, which was already redecorated. It was actually rather opulent for a warship, with a large bed, a couch and some chairs, and a small private dining table. There was also an attached private bathroom, though none of it was even as large as Darkness’ sitting room in the ducal palace.

There were also touches that let Kazuma know that the room was meant for all three of the girls, from a red workbench with Megumin’s various weapons diagrams on it, to a shield with the crest of the Dustiness family on the wall, and Chris’ collection of lockpicks laid out neatly on a dresser. Then Kazuma saw the poster of Kurumi Tokisaki from Date-a-Live in a maid uniform on the wall, and hastily ran over to take it down.

Sure, it was an exact copy of the one in his room, but why had Aqua felt the need to put it up here!?

“So, that was yours then?” Megumin snickered, sliding between Kazuma and the poster. “I wondered who this member of the Crimson Pirate Clan was, and why she had on a maid outfit. And why she’s flashing her panties.”

“Um, this is a mistake, we should, uh, just take that down and put it somewhere safe,” Kazuma said, trying to push past Megumin to get it down. Even if Kurumi looked very sexy, and Date-a-Live was Kazuma’s favorite anime. If someone asked, he’d say something cool like Gurren Lagan, or something pretentious like Evangelion, but he was a sucker for dumb ecchi harem shows.

“So, is this your ideal woman,” Megumin asked, grabbing the poster before Kazuma could and skipping away to examine it. “One who flaunts her body, and is overly developed?”

“She’s uh, not actually that stacked, I have a much better poster with her real cup size at home,” Kazuma said before he fully thought it through.

“Oh?” Megumin paused, holding the poster up and examining it more carefully, pursing her lips. Then she turned to Kazuma. “And what if I demanded that you dress up in such a becoming outfit?”

“What, like a butler one?” Kazuma asked, speculatively.

Megumin rolled up the poster and sighed. “I do not have the same fetishes as you do, Kazutrash. No, I have a different idea for your garb.”

To Kazuma’s surprise, Megumin went over to her bag, and got out a folded pair of clothes, passing them to him with a blush. “Perhaps I will look favorably upon you if you were to wear these.”

Kazuma took the clothes, then an idea popped into his head. “If I wear these…would you wear an outfit for me?”

“Hmm. I think Chris still has her barmaid uniform, and our sizes are similar. I suppose I might consider it, though I would think Darkness would be more into this sort of roleplay,” Megumin said, blushing. She glanced at the poster, then nodded. “Yes. I suppose I can try.”

Suddenly excited, Kazuma took the clothes and hurried into the bathroom. He started to change, then paused when he realized just what the clothes were. Really, he should have known. There was a long black cloak with crimson liner, a jacket with a red skull and crossbones on the chest, white pants, three belts, and of course, an eye patch. There was even a blue hilted rapier.

It was, in short, a Captain Harlock costume.

For a moment, Kazuma was giddy with glee, then he froze. There was no way Megumin could ever find out that he had cosplayed as Captain Harlock at a couple of conventions. Sure, his costume had been off the rack and this looked like a high quality outfit that you could actually wear, but it would still be embarrassing for people to see him in this.

However…he was also pretty sure that if he did a sufficient impression of Captain Harlock, Megumin would be over the moon about it.

It took a bit of doing to get the outfit on, with all the extra bits and bobs and more belts than was at all practical, but Kazuma got it on properly, even the eye patch. He knocked on the door, which made him feel kinda silly, and asked, “Megumin, are you changed?”

“Yes, ‘master.’”

Taking a deep breath, Kazuma threw open the door, putting on his best glower, and stopped into the room. He froze for a moment when he saw Megumin dressed in the maid outfit, giving him a clumsy curtsy. “Welcome home, ‘master,’” she said in the very best tsundere maid character voice.

Well, actually, it was more her normal voice when she was being scornful, but she certainly nailed it, complete with her luminescent blush.

Clearing his throat, Kazuma threw back his cloak and struck a dramatic pose. “I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie! The truth is, the Space Devil King has become our worst enemy. They've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. I am Captain Kazuma, and I command the crew of the pirate ship Axis Queen. The time has come for all mankind to take a stand…”

As Kazuma spoke, Megumin jerked upright, and was staring at him open-mouthed. He stumbled over a word or two, thinking she was going to mock him, until a huge grin blossomed over her face and she clapped her hands to her cheeks, looking almost star struck. When he finished, she ran over, grabbing him excitedly.

“Yes! That is exactly the sort of introduction that a Crimson Pirate should strive to give! Those sort of dramatic pronouncements are the sort of super cool speeches that show your foes and friends alike how cool you are, and that you are a truly worthy foe!”

“I, uh, thanks. You, um, look cute,” Kazuma mumbled.

“Just cute,” Megumin said, stepping back. She blushed, and pulled up her skirt for a moment, giving Kazuma an eyeful.

“Beautiful,” Kazuma amended, his voice suddenly husky.

“Hmph. Well. Then I suppose I will give my Captain permission to kiss me.”

Kazuma reached for Megumin and pulled her close, but it was she who stood up on her tiptoes and pulled Kazuma’s head down to hers, locking their lips together and pushing her tongue into his mouth. He found himself returning it enthusiastically, reaching under her skirt and grabbing her rear.

After a few moments, Megumin let him go and paused for breath. “I know that Chris and Darkness have had something from you I have not. I am not certain how I feel about that, despite our fusing.”

“Well, uh, technically…Chris just gave me a hand job, and, well, I sort of…didn’t last long enough to finish with Darkness and then we fell asleep,” Kazuma admitted.

Megumin’s eyebrows shot up. “You mean…you did not…go all the way?”

“Well, I don’t think of myself as a virgin now, but, I mean, if you want to get technical.”

A possessive gleam entered Megumin’s eye and she grinned. “I did go all the way with Chris. Well, at least as far as a woman goes.”

“I, uh, saw. So you, uh, you’re ok with the harem setup?” Kazuma asked, feeling as though all the blood had left his head for his lower regions so fast that he felt dizzy.

“As long as you fuse with me to grant me the maximum power for my Wave Motion Explosion Cannon, and you do not mind that I fully intend to sleep with Chris and Darkness both, I suppose I wouldn’t mind taking you as a lover as well,” Megumin sniffed, still blushing. “It’s not like I particularly like you or anything.”

“I love it when you talk tsundere to me,” Kazuma said, and pulled her in for another kiss. After they broke it, he grabbed Megumin’s dress and pulled it over her head with her enthusiastic help. It took a lot more effort to get him out of the pirate get up, though Megumin told him to “leave the eye patch.”

After that, they went over to the bed, and sat there, looking at one another in their underwear for a long minute.

“I like the black panties and lacy bra,” Kazuma said, tracing a line over the bra, and making Megumin shiver slightly.

“I am glad, because I picked this out specifically for seduction. Do not think this is what I will wear everyday, it is not.” She eyed Kazuma’s green and white striped boxers. “I suppose I do not share the same fascination with your undergarments.” She let out a giggle then. “I did like the proper Clan clothes though.”

“Well, uh, should we-” Kazuma began, but Megumin shucked off her underwear and pulled Kazuma into another kiss as he awkwardly got out of his own. He pushed her back onto the bed, kissing her on her neck and breasts. They were a little bigger than Chris’, though still fairly small and practically nothing next to Darkness’. He didn’t mind in the least, deciding that all boobs were good boobs.

Megumin lay back, pulling Kazuma on top of her, and they kissed for a little longer. He touched between her legs, and she spread them, though he realized something was a bit off. She wasn’t quite as wet, and he remembered something about having to “prime the engine” first. He wasn’t totally sure what that metaphor meant, but he did remember his shameful display with Darkness and decided not to plunge right in.

He used his fingers, still kissing Megumin, until she began to moan softly and writhe. He could feel her opening up more, until his fingers grew slippery. He looked into her eyes, and she grabbed him. “I think I changed my mind. I might like you after all, Kazuma.”

“I might be starting to like you too,” Kazuma said, and grunted as she pulled him into her. She let out a soft gasp, wincing slightly, and he froze. “Are you ok?”

“Mmm, yes, don’t stop, it’s a good pain.”

He bucked awkwardly for a few moments, until Megumin adjusted herself, lifting up slightly off the bed and scratching at Kazuma’s back. She even bit his neck, groaning happily as she bucked under him. They had to stop and retry when he slid loose at their frantic pace, but after some practice they sort of got it right, even though it was closer to wild trashing than anything else, Megumin not even trying to be quiet as she gasped and shouted encouragement.

Then it was suddenly over, with Kazuma jerking slightly as he let loose. To his surprise, Megumin cried, “EXPLOSION!” then flopped back on the bed, panting and looking content.

Kazuma held himself over her, panting, sweating, and grinning goofily at her as she let out a sound a lot like a cat purring. They admired each other for a moment, then Megumin pushed him off of her and sat up. She looked down at herself, and at the mess oozing out of her and made a face. “Well, that was fun, but I need to pee.”

She hurried off to the bathroom, and Kazuma sat there, feeling dazed for a minute. Megumin came out with some small towels and had him help her clean both himself up and the mess they’d made on the bed. That done, she lay down and pulled him beside her.

“Well. How was your first experience? Am I not truly the foremost genius among this harem, having crossed the finish line with both you and Chris first?”

“What, is this some sort of competition to you?” Kazuma asked, feeling a bit hurt.

She nodded smugly. “Obviously. I have claimed your seed first, and thus am your first true lover.”

“I mean I guess- OH SHIT!”

Kazuma sat bolt upright, his heart thundering.

“What? What?” Megumin demanded, jumping out of bed and looking around like a frightened cat.

“I, I finished in you! What if you get pregnant!?” Kazuma said, clutching his head in his hands.

Megumin looked at him incredulously, then snarled and poked him in the chest. “Oh? Do you find the thought of having a child with me so repulsive?!”

“No, I mean, I’d love to have kids with you, they’d be super cute and I hope it’s a girl because little girls with dark hair and red eyes are just the most adorable, but you’re only 18 and I’m 20! We’re not ready to be parents! And we’re fighting a war! Oh shit, did I fuck up?”

Megumin regarded him for a moment. “So, you are pleased at the thought of me bearing your first child?”

“Well, I mean…yeah, that does sound pretty hot,” Kazuma admitted.

“Too bad, I’ll have Darkness’ daughter first,” Megumin informed him, causing Kazuma to blink at her rapidly.

“Uh, I can’t decide if that’s the hottest thing I’ve ever heard, or if I should be offended.”

She rolled her eyes. “I am on birth control. I am not an idiot. I have an implant to prevent pregnancy. I, ah, have not had cause to need it before now, but…well. Anyway, as Darkness is the noblewoman, I must bear her child first. I do promise to have yours next, then probably Chris’, though perhaps I should simply use an incubator, I do not wish to spend several years of my life bloated and uncomfortable.”

“Oh, uh…” Kazuma scratched his head. “So…we can just have sex whenever we want?”

“Yes, but I do not think my distraction will keep Darkness busy much longer and there is work to be done,” Megumin said, going over and picking out some far less sexy but probably more comfortable underwear from a dresser. “Get dressed, we cannot simply laze about in bed all day.”

Kazuma nodded, going over to get his own clothes. He paused, then went over and pinched Megumin on the bottom as she was bent over, making her squeak and jerk upright. He kissed her. “Love you.”

“Um, yes. Love you too,” Megumin mumbled, then kissed Kazuma. Then he pinned her to the dresser.

“K-Kazuma!”

“Hey, I’m already at half mast, and what’s another minute or two?” he said.

Megumin glared at him, then turned around and bent over the dressed. “Fine. I suppose I will consent to-AH! Yes! Faster!”

The second time was longer and sloppier and they both had to clean up in the bathroom afterwards, then sneak out of the room like a pair of kids afraid they’d be caught stealing cookies. Kazuma poked his head out of the door first, then seeing  a clear passage, motioned for Megumin to follow as they both tiptoed out.

“So, how was it?” Chris asked, seeming to appear behind the door from nowhere, grinning with her arms crossed as she leaned against the wall.

“I, uh, we were just um,” Kazuma began, stammering and feeling self conscious.

“We did it twice. He is not as skillful as you with his fingers, but it was a very different experience. Also, I win,” Megumin said, smiling smugly at Chris.

“Well as long as you enjoyed yourselves. It certainly took you both long enough, I had to cover for you like three times! Come on, we’re ready to launch,” Chris said, standing and striding off towards the bridge.

The ship had been transformed, earning some mutters from Megumin that she liked the old color scheme better, though even she had to admit that the new murals and color scheme were quite pleasing. Aqua had even gone with a special color scheme for each sector of the ship, with crew quarters being a warm earth tones, life support the blue of a babbling brook, the mech bay sharp angles and metallic colors, and the bridge professional grays and whites, with various other sections painted to show their purpose at a glance.

On the bridge, Darkness was waiting along with Yunyun, and she nodded to them both. “There you are, I’m glad to-” her nostrils flared, and she let out a gasp. “Y-you were both-? While we were working!? Oh, what a scandalous-”

“Uh, what are you talking about? Why are you s-smiling at me like that, Megumin?” Yunyun asked hesitantly.

“I’ll tell you later, when you’re more mature,” Megumin said, taking Kazuma’s hand.

Yunyun’s brow furrowed, but then she sighed and pointed to the holographic map display. “W-we’re ready to set out. O-our scouts are already in the area, and they say t-that the Devil King’s forces are being led by Hans. H-he’s on the planet's surface, and we’ll have to act fast to keep the w-water supply from being contaminated.”

“Will wbe be attacked en route?” Kazuma asked, frowning and giving Megumin’s hand a squeeze. He slipped his other hand into Darkness’, which made her blush and then give him a dopey grin.

“Y-yes. It’s very likely. I-I will be deployed with some of the Clan. Um, w-we need to keep some reserves but-”

“Kazuma and I will lead the van!” Darkness declared. She nodded to Chris. “You and Megumin hold yourselves in reserve. We shall need stealth and firepower when we reach the planet and confront Hans. Aqua, your work on the ship was lovely, but with the supplies stowed, we need you prepared in your support mech.”

“Alright! We’ll beat up stinky Hans, and keep the water safe!” Aqua declared, nodding determinedly. It was somewhat undermined by the speckle of white paint at the tip of her nose, and the paintbrush she had shoved into her back pocket.

“I guess it’s too much to ask for a nap before we set out?” Kazuma sighed. He shook his head. From the peak of heaven to the valley of death. Then he looked at Darkness, who was shifting from side to side eagerly. Well. Maybe the valley wouldn’t be so bad.

The Melancholy of Kazuma Sato, Chapter 55

Kazuma and Aqua clung to one another, blubbering as they were whisked through a wormhole. Beside them, Haruhi cackled in glee, her eyes sparkling. “WOOOOOO! Let’s go somewhere awesome like the last-”

Haruhi’s words cut off as she was spat out along with the entire bedraggled group into a classroom, sailing across the room, her face crunching against a blackboard as she slowly slid down, falling onto the floor with a groan.

“Ooooooo myyyy. What a straaaaange group has come here tooooodaaaay!” a cheery man in what looked like clown make up said. He glanced at Aqua, Kazuma, and Megumin, frowning. “I don’t reeeeemember giving you aaaaaaall detention buuuuuut…”

“Who the hell are you, clown man?” Kazuma demanded, jumping up. “Quick before-”

“DIE!” Tanya roared, and pointed her gun at Kazuma, firing several bullets that he barely managed to dodge, even as the others were still collecting themselves off the floor.

The Clown Man became suddenly more serious, balls of fire appearing over his fingers. “No fighting in the classroom, Miss Degurechaff.”

“FUCK YOU, Roswaal!” Tanya screamed, and plucked a grenade off her vest and threw it at the clown guy. “DAMN GOD PUPPET!”

Roswaal, who was a clown but not one to mess with, frowned in displeasure.  “Ul Goa.”

The fireballs flew off his fingers, and the room exploded into flames, causing the occupants to shriek in panic and terror.

“S-Sacred Create Water!” Aqua gasped, and the room was flooded with a moderate amount of water, putting out most of the flames, though shockingly it seemed only Tanya had been burnt.

“Tsk. You’re not my students. What is happening?” Roswaal demanded, dropping the annoying accent and flicking water from his cloak.

“I TIRE OF THIS!” the Devil Queen screamed, demonic wings exploding from her back and an ebony scythe appearing in her hands. “I CARE NOT IF THIS WORLD BURNS, YOU ALL DIE!”

“Sato, even if you’re not the same, you, Megumin, and Aqua are still my students. Leave, and I will deal with these interlopers,” Roswaal declared, more fireballs forming in a halo around his head as the Devil King lept at him.

“MOVE!” Kazuma yelled, grabbing Aqua and a surprised Haruhi and leaping for the windows on the far side of the room. He burst through, Kyon carrying an unconscious Yuki not far behind him, with a wailing Mikuru and Megumin hot on their tail. Behind them, the Devil Queen roared and began to battle with Roswaal.

“Aqua, where the HELL are we?!” Kazuma demanded as they landed on the path outside and started running.

“We’re back at school! Like I told you before!” Aqua said, smiling brightly. Then she blinked, and looked back at Haruhi. “But wait, aren’t you the one who sent us here?”

“What are you talking about, I’ve never seen this school before!” Haruhi said as she easily kept pace .

“But, the Chief Goddess was the one who put us here, and we left when she kicked us out. I never figured out why,” Aqua said, shaking her head.

They came to the corner of the school building, and Kazuma ran head first into someone, knocking her over.

“Ow! Sato, watch where you’re going!” Tanya snapped, shoving Kazuma off of her. Only, it wasn’t the same Tanya as the one they’d been fighting. It was a younger version, even shorter somehow.

“Holy crap, another Tanya?!” Haruhi gasped.

The girl in question turned to look at Haruhi, then a murderous rage entered her eyes. “BEING X!?”

“Oh no,” Kyon groaned. “This is just going to end poorly…”

“T-Tanya! That’s not Being X, it’s, well, I guess right now she’s the Chief Goddess?” Aqua protested, sounding confused.

Ignoring Aqua, Tanya drew her pistol, raising it towards Haruhi. In response, Kazuma held out a hand, crying out “STEAL!”

Before anyone could figure out what was happening, Kazuma grabbed Haruhi and Aqua by the wrists and booked it as fast as he could past Tanya and around the corner, with Megumin, Kyon and Mikuru chasing after them.

“DAMN YOU SATO!” Tanya roared, and her pistol cracked several times, bullets whizzing by them as Kazuma jinked left and right to avoid them.

“Kazuma, please tell me you didn’t-” Haruhi began, but Kazuma cut her off.

“Then don’t ask! Look, I was going for the gun!” Kazuma panted. “The good news is, she shoots worse with no underwear on!”

“I see you still haven’t changed,” Megumin muttered, glaring behind them. “Why are there two of them now?”

“That’s Tanya from the past! You saw Lord Roswaal! We’re back at the school!” Aqua said, moving her hand to grab onto Kazuma as well. “But I don’t know why!”

“What are you talking about, this isn’t our school!” Kyon panted, running as fast as he could with Yuki on his back. “Come on, we need to find somewhere to hide and help Yuki!”

“Hey! Kazuma, Aqua, over here!” a familiar voice called, and Chris waved frantically to them from a side door. They dashed over, Tanya still raving behind them, and raced inside. Chris slammed and locked the door, then led them into a classroom, where they closed the door and locked it behind them.

Chris immediately turned, and smiled at Haruhi. “Uh, welcome to our school, Miss, I’m not really sure why-”

“Eris, what the fuck is going on!?” Haruhi demanded going over and looming over the other woman, hands on hips. “Did you do this? Why am I even here? And why does Tanya want to kill me?”

Chris paled slightly, and looked at Megumin, Kazuma and Aqua, wide eyed. “Uh, I am not sure what you mean, Miss, I-”

“It’s OK, Eris, I know she’s the Chief Goddess, and who you are,” Aqua said, nodding encouragingly. “And, well, I think Tanya’s always hated someone called ‘Being X’ which I’m pretty sure is the Chief Goddess.”

“You DO!? When the heck-” Chris took a deep breath. “Uh, sorry. Um, what are you doing here, Chief? E-everything is fine, um, I promise! We-”

An explosion shook the school, and Megumin sighed and shook her head. “Was I ever that weak, really? What a paltry display.”

“If you killed the Devil Queen and Tanya I’d give it 110 points,” Kazuma muttered.

“Devil Queen!? Tanya!?” Chris turned to Aqua, going red and grabbing the taller goddess by the ribbon on her outfit. “Aqua, what did you do THIS time?!”

“H-hey! It wasn’t my fault this time! And Tanya tried to shoot us first. She did shoot Megumin!” Aqua protested, pointing to Megumin, who had an impressive bruise in the center of her forehead. High level or not, it looked like it had still hurt.

“What!? How did- Wait, that’s not Megumin!” Chris said, gasping and going over to study the diminutive mage.

“BWAH-HA-HA! Fear not, goddess Eris! For though I, Megumin, have passed beyond the veil of time and death, it is none other than I, the foremost Genius of-”

“Yeah nevermind, you’re definitely Megumin. But what happened to you? And what the heck is going on!?” Chris demanded, looking frustrated and angry.

“Look, long story short, I guess we’re from the future,” Kazuma explained, “And we got dragged here with a Future Version of Tanya and the Devil Queen, or, well, the Devil King’s Daughter to you, and they picked a fight with the clown guy. Then for no reason at all, past Tanya started shooting at us!”

“Kazuma, you’re still holding her panties,” Chris said, glancing at his hand.

“I uh, here,” Kazuma shoved the undergarments at Aqua, who made a face.

“What are you giving them to me for!? I don’t want someone’s stinky underwear!”

“Argh! Dammit, I didn’t want these, I just…fine!” Kazuma tossed the panties into a trash can and held up his hands. “Happy?”

“Um…” Mikuru stepped forward, and held a bottle of hand sanitizer towards Kazuma. “You really should wash your hands…”

“Wait, you carry hand sanitizer with you?” Kazuma asked, accepting a dollop.

Mikuru blinked. “Do…do you not?”

“Right, well, that’s out of the way, so now we have two Tanyas to deal with,” Chris sighed.

“Question,” Kyon said, raising a hand. “Can someone PLEASE HEAL YUKI NOW!?”

They hastily laid Yuki out on top of several desks they pushed together, and after Aqua performed a quick healing, Yuki’s eyes fluttered open. She sat up, looking faintly dazed. “Error. Data manipulation abilities are currently offline.”

“But you’re OK, right?” Kyon said, grabbing Yuki’s hand.

She considered this a moment. “I am functional, and glad to be with you. However, I am missing a part of myself, and I am distraught over this.”

“It’s OK, we’ll get it back, I promise,” Kyon said, squeezing her hand.

Yuki nodded, and turned her eyes to Chris. “Hello. I am Yuki Nagato. You appear to be a temporally earlier version of Chris, my teacher in becoming a goddess.”

“Aqua, Kazuma, I love you both, but why is it whenever you have problems they’re the sort that gives me a massive headache?” Chris moaned. “And Chief, why are you even here?! Isn’t this school supposed to be to ‘teach us a lesson’ or something?”

“What?” Kazuma said, turning to Aqua, who blushed and looked away.

“Um, I maybe…I maybe was put on probation for getting uh, how did the Chief put it?”

“You got suckered by a NEET from Nagano and then proceeded to spend all your time getting plastered and doing party tricks,” Chris sighed. “I mean, I get it and all.”

“Wait, if she was on probation, why are you here?” Haruhi asked, and it was Chris’ turn to look ashamed.

“Well, um, I mean…you said it yourself…it’s not becoming of a goddess to…um, LARP with the mortals…”

“Ha! You mean when you dress up like Chris and steal stuff with Kazuma!” Haruhi laughed. Then she frowned. “Wait a minute. Are you the one who taught him-”

“Look, as fun as all this is, do you think maybe we could save the reminiscing for later and worry about helping Yuki and, you know, stopping the two murderous nazis and the freaking DEVIL QUEEN!?” Kyon interrupted.

“Oh. Right. Yeah, should probably do that,” Chris hastily agreed. “So, we need a plan, I guess.”

Megumin brightened. “Well, I could always-”

“No,” everyone said at the same time.

“But you didn’t even listen to what I was going to say!”

“You can’t blow up the entire school campus with us on it,” Kazuma said flatly.

“What if you leave and then I blow it up?” Megumin asked. “I don’t even understand what this place is! It doesn’t look like the Crimson Demon Academy or any school I’ve been to.”

“It’s…complicated. Basically, the Chief Goddess created this school as a punishment for various people who ticked her off,” Chris explained.

Aqua nodded. “That’s why Tanya’s here too. She kept complaining about her various life choices and blaming the Chief Goddess, so she got sent here.”

“So, you complained about your life choices and got sent here too, huh?” Kyon asked Aqua.

She flushed. “Um, well…I maybe blamed Kazuma and Eris for some of the things that happened…”

“This place seems like I’d be bored out of my skull in minutes, maybe that’s why I don’t remember it. I always hated school back home,” Kazuma said with a shrug.

“Actually, you keep saying you wanted to stay here,” Chris informed him. “But I figured you were bluffing.”

“I dunno, if I were going to create a punishment realm for people, I think I’d come up with something more interesting than this,” Haruhi said, which earned her a baffled look from Chris. “Unless this is supposed to be an ironic hell. Either way, we have to get out of here.”

“Right, so, what DO we do?” Kazuma asked, looking around. “Yuki’s out of commission-”

“I am capable of fighting,” Yuki stated, then hesitated. “However, only at the physical level.”

“And what does that mean? Are you just as weak as a regular human girl now?” Kazuma asked, which earned him a punch in the arm from Aqua, Chris, Megumin, and Haruhi, which nearly broke both his arms.

“Negative. I am still a humanoid interface. I lack data manipulation, but still have physical abilities far in excess of human norms.” She struck a sudden fighting stance, and said, “I still know kung fu.”

“Great. Well, I don’t know that just going and attacking is going to be the best plan,” Kyon sighed, glancing at Haruhi.

“Hmm. Well, in this situation, as Brigade Chief, I think the proper course of action is to-”

The classroom loudspeaker crackled to life, and a gruff male voice came over the speakers. “Sato, Aqua, Megumin, Degurachaff. Report immediately to my office.”

“-to go to the principals office and rat them out,” Haruhi finished.

“Seriously? That’s what you’ve come up with?” Kyon asked, sighing heavily.

“What!? Look, if the principal can’t handle it then we can just figure out a way to ambush them by teaming up with your past selves, OK?” Haruhi said, then just walked out of the classroom. Kyon shrugged and followed after her, and the rest of them ended up trailing along behind.

They walked for about two minutes before Kazuma stopped and coughed loudly. “Uh, do you even know where the Principal’s office is?”

“Forward and to the left! They’re always laid out in the same way, all Japanese schools are the same!” Haruhi said confidently.

“...actually, Chief, it’s back that way and left,” Chris said, pointing to where Kazuma was standing.

“Oh. Uh, lead on!” Haruhi decreed, following Kazuma as he led them in the proper direction.

A few minutes later, they arrived at the principal's office, which looked for all the world like your standard principal's office, complete with a bored looking secretary waiting out front. “You can go right in,” the chubby man said, pointing to the office.

Haruhi stepped forward to open the door, took one look, and slammed it shut. “Uh, we might have made a slight mistake…”

“Oh indeed. I can’t believe that actually worked,” the Devil Queen laughed, stepping out of a side hallway.

Behind them, Tanya and Visha appeared, guns leveled. “So easy to trap you all. I can’t believe telling the general to call for you actually worked.”

The door behind Haruhi shuddered once, then was flung open, sending her sprawling as a grinning Past Tanya kicked it open, gun in hand. “Thank you, General. We’ll handle it from here.”

“Major Degurechaff! This is not what I had in mind!” a man in a military uniform of some sort spluttered, standing up behind the desk.

“Shut it, grandpa!” Fujiwara said, walking into view from the corner of the office, and socking the old man right in the mouth.

“Young man! The General is my superior officer!” Tanya gasped, looking horrified. “You’ll be court martialed for this!”

“No he won’t, I won’t work for the Empire anymore,” older Tanya said, shaking her head.

“Oh? Who is our future employer? Are the benefits good?” past Tanya asked curiously.

“The Americans, and yes. Full dental, and a government pension plan. And we get 30 days of paid leave a year.”

“That’s cool and all, but can we fight now?” Kazuma asked.

In response, Tanya tried to shoot Kazuma, which made him yip and dive out of the way. That was the signal, and a general melee erupted.

The Devil Queen instantly clashed with Haruhi and Chris, who had put their weapons against her scythe. The Devil Queen was dressed in leather and chain mail in a fashion that would have driven any HEMA expert mad, but looked really, really cool. It was, of course, snug and form fitting, showing off the fact that she was quite curvaceous. Apparently, Devil Queens got the same figures as goddesses. Well, except Chris.

The Devil Queen leapt and spun about, swinging her scythe in great arcs to fend off her two opponents. Haruhi drove straight in, swinging her sword in swift, fluid motions to counter the Devil Queen, while seeking to strike down the demon, her eyes glowing with a white light, a manic grin on her face. She wasn’t as acrobatic as the Devil Queen, but Haruhi pulled off some moves that only a professional gymnast should have been able to, each of her motions graceful and full of power.

For her part, Chris slunk in the shadows, magic dagger gleaming in her hand. She seemed able to vanish when the Devil Queen wasn’t looking, only to reappear at her back, slicing savagely. Somehow, the Devil Queen countered each time, as if aware of the thief. Chris countered with several nasty tricks, from caltrops, to her Bind technique, and even a few vials of holy water that shattered on the scythe blade but caused the Devil Queen to snarl as the liquid hissed and popped on her skin.

Even as the two goddesses fought the Devil Queen, Fujiwara was fighting off Yuki, and sort of Kyon. Though Kyon mostly shouted encouragement, and hid behind the secretary’s desk like a sensible squishy mortal.

“Ha, I’m the one with the incredible powers now!” Fujiwara taunted. “I can-SHIT!” He dove to the side even as Yuki’s greatsword slammed into the floor hard enough to gouge through the linoleum and well into the concrete, then had to dive behind a chair that Yuki destroyed with a single blow.

“You have stolen my data manipulation abilities. This does not mean you are able to use them, noob,” Yuki said calmly.

“Noob!? Where did you pick up stupid internet slang!? You could barely talk when we first met!” Fujiwara babbled.

“I had a very interesting conversation with her Royal Majesty Queen Iris. She is very knowledgeable about how to pass as an ordinary citizen,” Yuki answered, almost catching Fujiwara with another devastating blow.

“You tell him, Yuki! Kick his ass!” Kyon called.

“Coward, fight me yourself!” Fujiwara shouted back, though it came out as a squeak.

“No thanks. I’ll let my awesome and beautiful girlfriend kick your ass.”

Yuki smiled faintly at the compliment, and then tried to skewer the pest again.

Meanwhile, Mini Tanya the Smaller gleefully charged right at Mikuru, raising her gun.

“Aaaa! H-Hold Person!” Mikuru squeaked, pointing her staff at Tanya.

A white glow appeared around Tanya, and she instantly stiffened mid stride, falling headlong to the floor, where she lay stiff as a board, still in a running posture. Mikuru blinked, then poked at Tanya. This caused her gun to go off, and Mikuru to squeak in panic, though the bullet just embedded itself in the baseboard of the wall.

“I…I did it! I beat a bad guy!” Mikuru said happily.

“No duh, Clerics are overpowered!” Kazuma called from his own fight with older Tanya. “Hold Person!”

Unlike her younger self, the older version easily dodged Kazuma’s attack, then fired her gun again. “I remember that, Sato. It won’t work on me a second time!”

“I could always try steal!” Kazuma snarled, dodging another bullet.

“I am not so easily distracted as I once was!” Tanya laughed, then tried to slash at Kazuma with her combat knife. He countered with Chunchumaru, but Tanya flipped out of the way with a magically aided backflip. “Ha! Nice try! I-URGH!”

Aqua’s fist rammed into Tanya’s side, and she was flung into the wall. “From now on, Kazuma only steals MY underwear!”

“Do you even wear any?” Tanya sneered.

“Why does everyone ask that!? Of course I do!” Aqua huffed, then threw another punch.

Behind them, Visha was trying desperately to grapple with Megumin, but the much smaller woman was fearsomely strong, and had years of experience bullying Yunyun.

“Ha! Size does not matter, for I am the mightiest mage in all of Belzerg!”

Her only response was a stream of Russian and German swear words that would have made any babushka blush.

Even as things devolved further, the General muttered something, took out a button from his desk, and pressed it. “Enough of this nonsense.” He studied the button for a moment, even as Fujiwara threw a chair at Yuki, only to have it batted aside and take a cut that left a long gash in his right arm.

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, another portal opened in the principal's office, and a woman strode through. He bowed to her. “Madam, I fear that things have devolved beyond my ability to control. I have failed.”

“So I see,” the woman said, her lips firming. She raised her fingers, and snapped. The air turned to jelly, and all the combatants froze.

“What,” the woman said, stepping forward. “Is the meaning of this? Aqua! Eris! You were supposed to learn restraint and wisdom here! And Tanya! Here I give you the peaceful life you always wanted, and you go wasting it. And who are these others? I don’t remember inviting you here?”

“Wait, you’re me!” Haruhi said, struggling to right herself from the slash she’d been making at the Devil Queen’s head. “Why is me from the future here now?”

It was true the two of them had an uncanny resemblance. The woman in question was dressed in a crisp business suit, her hair in a neat bun, but it was the same shade of dark brown as Haruhi’s. They had extremely similar facial features, though the other woman’s were older, more refined, with none of the round softness of adolescence. She was the breathtaking beauty that Haruhi would bloom into one day, though far more stern and serious than Haruhi ever was.

“You dare to claim to be Amaterasu? Do you not know who I am? What sort of minor goddess are you? You don’t seem to be from my pantheon,” the woman, apparently Amaterasu herself, said sternly. She turned to Aqua and Chris, who were struggling to free themselves as well, though none of the mortals had been able to do so. “Explain this.”

“Um, she’s sort of my daughter,” Aqua admitted.

“What!? Aqua, how could you!” Chris squeaked. “And with Kazuma!? I mean, uh, maybe I thought about it a time or two, but-”

“Hey! Hands off, I saw him first!” Aqua huffed.

“Enough! You have violated one of my princepts!? Our most sacred rule: We of the Japanese Pantheon do NOT sully ourselves with mortals!”

“Just because you got spurned by some jealous lover a thousand years ago doesn’t mean Aqua can’t fall in love if she wants!” Haruhi said, successfully shaking herself free, turning to face Amaterasu and glare at her.

“How DARE you!” Amaterasu huffed.

“It’s true,” Aqua whispered. “The first emperor cheated on her.”

“Ha! I knew it!” Haruhi laughed.

“Hmph, well, then I strip you, Aqua, of your divinity here and now!” Amaterasu decreed

Aqua let out a wail, her body convulsing. Color streamed out of her hair, and in moments, the blue was gone, replaced by a natural blonde. Her body also seemed to have lost a bit of its luster, and she was now as frozen in time as the rest, tears running down her cheeks.

“That’s a bit harsh,” Chris muttered, finally standing up. “I mean, she was a screw up, but-”

“Silence, Eris. I know of your foolish habits. This school was to be a punishment for you, and for you to keep an eye on Aqua.” Amaterasu turned to Haruhi. “As for you, young goddess you will-”

Ameraterasu paused, then tried to gasp. Haruhi and Chris both let out cries of horror, as a knife blade appeared between her breasts. She clawed at it, then sank to her knees, revealing the grinning face of Past Tanya. Where she had lain, Fujiwara now crouched, frozen as the other mortals.

“And now,” Tanya panted, a triumphant grin on her face as she raised the knife to Amaterasu’s neck. “You die, Being X. Thus ending your tyranny forever.”

“TANYA!” Chris screamed, stretching her hand forward.

“NO!” Haruhi shouted, and launched herself, only for the Devil Queen’s hand to dart out and snatch her.

“I told the boy to give his power to the girl,” the Devil Queen cackled. “You gods always forget your little tricks don’t work on us either. Now, you ALL die.”

Haruhi could only watch as Tanya cut her older self’s throat. As the life faded from Amaterasu’s eyes and she fell to the floor, time resumed for the others.

But not Haruhi. She fell to the ground herself, feeling her life slip away.

“YOU BITCH!” Chris screamed, and plunged her dagger into the Devil Queen’s side. The Devil Queen screamed and writhed, back handing Chris.

“Weak godling! You are no match for me!”

The two began to fight again, but Haruhi felt listless, as if someone had snapped the thread of her fate. Kyon and Mikuru appeared at her side, tears streaming down their faces.

“Haruhi! Haruhi, you can’t! Kyon shouted, picking her up. “Stay with us!”

Mikuru just sobbed, chanting, “Heal! Heal!” But to no avail.

Across the hall, Tanya glanced at Visha as Kazuma knelt by the stunned Aqua. “Leave them. She’s mortal now, and no foe of ours. Besides, this was how it all happened, just as I remember.”

“Yes, but I don’t remember what happens next,” Visha said, frowning. She raised her pistol. “What about the others?”

“Dispose of the body, just to be sure,” Tanya said, and pulled out a knife, stepping towards Haruhi.

Yuki blurred past Haruhi, her sword slashing at Visha and Tanya, who were forced to back off. Even without most of her powers, Yuki proved enough of a match for both of them.

Seeing that, the younger Tanya snorted and raised her own bloody knife towards Haruhi. “I’ll handle-”

“H-Hold Person!” Mikuru sobbed, and Tanya fell over again.

“Aqua, Aqua are you OK?” Kazuma asked desperately, hugging her tightly. “Are you?”

“I…I’m fine, Kazuma,” Aqua said shakily, clutching at him. “I just…this was going to happen anyway, but…I had thought…it would be after our first time…”

“Well, uh, after this, we can fix that, right?” he said, then regretted it.

Aqua giggled though. “You pervert. Later. I just…I think there’s something I have to do.”

“What?” Kazuma asked, then glanced at Haruhi. “Oh. Right. Why’s she like that? Doesn’t she grow up to be the Chief Goddess?”

“No,” Aqua said, shaking her head and standing. “She’s acting like her past self was killed. I think she’s the reincarnation of the Chief.”

Aqua walked over, Kazuma trailing behind, then knelt by the body of Amateratsu. She touched it, nodding. “Her spirit hasn’t fled. Her divine essence is still there.”

“So…what does that mean?” Kazuma asked, frowning. “You’re kinda on the ball for this, you know.”

“I guess I really am mortal, now. I can get smarter,” Aqua said, giving him a sad smile. Then she took a deep breath. “When gods die…we can be reincarnated, just like a mortal. But usually, we don’t come back as gods…unless…”

“Unless what?” Kazuma asked, confused.

“...unless I do something to help.” Aqua took a deep breath, and gave Kazuma a hopeful smile. “Um, how do you feel about having a daughter? A cute little girl?”

“Well, I mean, I’m still a virgin, but…I guess I’d like to have a daughter. Someone as beautiful as you,” Kazuma said. Then he frowned. “Wait, are you-”

“We’ll name her Haruhi,” Aqua said, and then put both hands on the corpse of Amaterasu. “Be reborn! Take my divine essence, and your own!”

The body glowed suddenly, then collapsed into a tiny white dot, which rose, then flew into Aqua’s abdomen. She gasped and shuddered, and would have collapsed if Kazuma hadn’t grabbed her.

“HOLD ON! THIS IS NOT FAIR! YOU CAN’T GET PREGNANT WHEN WE HAVEN’T EVEN GOTTEN TO THIRD BASE YET!”

Behind them, Haruhi gasped, then sat up suddenly, life flooding through her. “Holy me! I…I think my past lives just flashed before my eyes!”

Chris suddenly flew past then, slamming into the wall, bleeding heavily. The Devil Queen stepped forward, grinning, bloody scythe in hand. “Yes, today is the day that all the gods fall!”

“Yeah, see, I’m gonna have to stop you there. Because it turns out, without them, there’s no good food! And you know how I am about food, right, Kyoichi?”

The Devil Queen froze and turned to see a grinning Komekko standing at the entrance, flanked by Sasaki, Kyoko, Seiya, and a now brown haired Ristarte, along with Wiz and Vanir. “K-Komekko?”

“It’s me!” Komekko said cheerily. Then she pointed a finger at the younger Tanya. “You take one more step towards the new Chief Goddess and I fry you, missy. You did me a solid killing the last one, so I’d be nice and not even eat your soul.”

“Komekko!?” Megumin gasped, racing over and throwing her arms around her sister. “You really are alive!”

“Oof! That I am. Uh, hey, Megs. I, uh…no hard feelings about you wasting me, OK? I was a little…out of control…” Komekko said, sniffing herself and returning the hug.

“Alright,” Kazuma said, standing up slowly with Aqua, his hands tight on her shoulders. “Just what the hell is going on?”

“All will now be revealed!” Komekko said, a wide grin on her face. “In the form of an interpretive dance!”

Everyone groaned audibly, save Megumin, who grinned widely at the prospect.

Author’s Note:

And that’s what I’ve been building towards. Well, not the interpretive dance, but how Haruhi came to be. There’s only a couple chapters left now, along with an epilogue or two. We’re nearly there!

The Second Archon War, Interlude 1

Interlude 1: A Terrible Day for Rain

“We’re calling it the Hebert Cluster, for obvious reasons,” Doctor Mother said, adjusting her glasses as she motioned to the screen. “It’s not a traditional cluster at all. Cases all across the country, nearly a dozen in the last nine months in the United States alone that we know of. More globally. How many, we can’t be sure.”

“You know, something else happened nine months ago,” Hero commented, nodding to the Eastern section of the map.

“Yes, quite,” Doctor Mother sighed. “Well. Let’s go over the characteristics, shall we?”

She walked over to the podium, and picked up a sphere that seemed to be made of glass. This one had cracks in the surface, and ever so faintly, the etching of a triple spoked barbed helix. “All members of this cluster have a totem of some sort. It’s usually about 10 cm in diameter, exact dimensions vary, though all are very light but durable. Most are a geometric shape of some kind, with spheres being the most common. It takes a great deal of force to harm one, as this example bears out.”

She set the object down, gesturing to one shown on screen. “When the parahuman is alive and in possession of their totem, it glows purple, and crackles with what appears to be electricity.”

“Just like someone else we know of,” Hero mused.

Doctor Mother shot him a withering look, but the boy just grinned mischievously at her. She sighed and continued.

“When the totem is removed from its owner, or the owner dies, it rapidly dims and becomes inert. So far, we have not yet found a way to restore them, aside from returning them to the original owner. Interestingly, the owner loses all their powers when the totem is removed, which brings me to my next point.”

The slide advanced, showing several brief clips, which Doctor Mother talked over. “All individuals in this cluster manifest similar powers. Some do not possess all the listed powers, and all are more skilled in some powers than others to varying degrees. All are electricity based. They include the ability to generate and fire bolts of electricity, infuse themselves with electricity, create shields of electricity, create small objects, stimulate plant growth, bestow regenerative abilities to themselves and/or others, a breaker state that may or may not grant enhanced speed or short range teleportation, and are some level of more durable, faster, and stronger.”

“So, they’re all Movers, Shakers, Brutes, Breakers, Blasters, and Strikers. Anything I’m missing?” Hero mused. He sat up, snapping his fingers. “Say! I know someone else who-”

“Yes, they all seem to possess lesser versions of the abilities that the parahuman known as Raiden do,” Doctor Mother said wearily. “And yes, I am aware that Raiden carries around a similar totem, and has taken this helix as her sigil.”

“So she’s got to be related,” one of the Thinkers in the room said, brow furrowed. “We’ve sussed out that much, it’s just-”

“Oh right, we can add one more thing! They’re all Trumps in some way,” Hero said with a nod.

Doctor Mother made a face. “That is not conclusive. There are some whose Thinker powers operate just fine on the new cluster. Most, however…well. It’s been described to me as a kind of ‘haze’ or ‘fuzz’ that makes reading them harder, but not impossible. Whereas even our best models do not yet fully incorporate Raiden.”

“You’re just still pissed she hasn’t invaded Korea,” Hero teased.

“I am quite glad that the region has not further destabilized, especially with the Yangban struggling to maintain control in China and the latest revolts in Taiwan and Xinjiang. But our models did predict that once Raiden consolidated control of Japan, she would launch further conquests. That still may happen.”

“Taking all bets that Raiden sits in her room playing video games,” Hero said, earning a few groans and chuckles.

“Hero, those are unconfirmed rumors. As baseless as the claims she’s a god,” Doctor Mother said, trying not to sound irritated. Those rumors just couldn’t be true. Holing up and indulging in Hedonism was not how Passengers drove their hosts to behave. It would throw off every model they had.

“So, we all sort of knew this, what else can you tell us about the Hebert Cluster?” Hero asked.

She should never have let him in this session. But, well…she did feel she sort of owed it to Wyatte.

“This is still exploratory. We haven’t had any good autopsy subjects, and the pool is limited enough that results could be skewed. However, we have two new pieces of information. The first is this: Their trigger events are not like anything we’ve ever seen.”

The slide advanced again, and Doctor Mother gestured to the picture of a weedy looking middle aged man in glasses and a cheap suit, his totem being used as a sort of neckpiece in place of a tie.

“This is Miniver Cheevy. He’s a 42 year old accountant who works for the Internal Revenue Service. A wife, three children between the ages of 6 and 14, all girls. Reportedly happy home life. He triggered in April of this year, and it was caught on tape.”

The slide changed to show an office room, where Miniver and several other suits were sitting around several tables with heaps of papers atop them.

“It’s here, I know it is!” Miniver was saying, holding up a paper. “We just need a little longer!”

“And we don’t have the budget. Maybe he is laundering millions, but to prove it would take more time and money than we have, Mini,” an older man with a paunch and hangdog look said, shaking his head.

“Fuck you, John! This is my life's work right here!” Miniver said, slamming the stack of papers in front of him. “Don’t you have any ambition!? This guy is crooked and his books are cooked! We both know it!”

“It’s not worth it. We’d never recover more revenue than we lost going after him. With the budget cuts, we need to move on to other audits,” John answered. The other men at the table looked frustrated and tired. One took out a cigarette, muttering about going for a smoke, and walked off.

“Oh yeah, Mike, just walk away! Come on! Don’t you see!? You all lack vision! We can do this!”

“It’s a waste of time. You can’t get them all, Mini,” John sighed. “Let this one go.”

“You think I’m crazy, don’t you? Crazy Mini! That’s what you say! You’ll just let this guy go!” Miniver was pacing now, ranting and going out of range of the camera as he did so.

“You’re not crazy, just a stubborn fool. We’ve got better and bigger fish to fry,” another man said.

“No! I refuse! You might give up, but I won’t! I WILL do this if it takes me the rest of eternity! I will not let this man get away, so help me God!”

Miniver had stepped back into the pickup, and there was a clap of lighting. Papers scattered and the lights and video flickered, going to static. When it returned, Miniver was standing and holding aloft a glowing object in his clenched fist.

“I WILL GET THESE BASTARDS IF ITS THE LAST THING I DO!”

The video ended, and there was puzzled silence in the room.

“That was a trigger event? That was his worst day?” someone said skeptically. “Was it induced somehow? Something else happened?”

“Reportedly, Mr. Cheevy had just gotten a raise, his daughters were and are in good health and getting good grades, and his wife claims that their sex life was great, but has gotten even better,” Doctor Mother said dryly.

“That’s…bizarre,” Hero muttered. “What are we missing?”

“We’ve looked at every angle. A team of Thinkers and analysts have gone over it. But I think Mr. Cheevy’s own words will do here.”

The slide advanced, to a much more energetic Miniver sitting in a PRT interview room.

“So I hear this voice, you know? And it tells me, they’ll call me crazy. I’ll face the storm, but I’ll be obsessed, even facing the Lightning’s Glow. I figure, it’s gotta be the voice of God, right? And I say HELL YEAH.” He slammed his fist on the table, and a few purple sparks shot out.

“So I got this thing, right?” he held up his totem and shook it, before lowering it back around his neck. “And let me tell you, since then, I’ve just been able to see it, better than ever! We’ve closed six audits that we didn’t think would go anywhere, and recovered millions for the American Taxpayer! And I’m going to keep doing it! Every day! Until I get every last dollar these jerks have stolen from us!”

“To this day, Mr. Cheevy has not used his abilities to fight a single other cape. He has gone on a few ride-alongs to capture the individuals who he catches through his forensic accounting, but again, he has not used his powers once. He has them, and has demonstrated them a few times at our request. Aside from that, he continues to do exactly what he has done for the last twenty years.”

“You have got to be shitting me, but I know you’re not,” a Thinker groaned, putting their head in their hands. “I can see it! He’s going to just…keep being an accountant! A damn good one! Shit, he’s going to win all kinds of awards and become head of the IRS!”

“That’s the general consensus, though several have said his wife’s going to get pregnant, despite being menopausal,” Doctor Mother said. “They’ve always wanted a boy.”

“So, what does this tell us? Trigger events are getting less traumatic for second generation parahumans, right?” Hero pointed out.

“Yes. But Mr. Cheevy is most decidedly not a second generation parahuman. His parents are still alive, and do not have the capacity to trigger. Which brings me to my second point. Mr. Cheevy does not have a detectable Corona Pollentia, or Gemma.”

“That’s not totally unheard of,” another Thinker pointed out.

“No, it’s not. But it is unusual. As is a subject remaining conscious through their trigger event, which most, but not all, members of this cluster do. And none of them have the enlarged Corona Pollentia that we would expect.”

There was silence for a long time, broken, of course, by Hero.

“You know, maybe he’s right. Maybe a god did give him his powers,” Hero said. He wasn’t teasing this time. He was somber, and he looked and sounded frightened.

“If that’s what you want to call an Entity, all well and good. But I will not hear more of that absurd theory,” Doctor Mother said, her tone ice.

Hero held up his hands. “I’m just saying. Maybe Raiden doesn’t have a complex.”

“End of discussion, young man. That’s a dead end we won’t go down,” Doctor Mother said firmly.

Hero sighed, and stood. “Speaking off… I have a prior engagement. Thanks for having me.”

He walked off, leaving Doctor Mother and her Think Tank to try and figure out just what was happening. The few answers they arrived at were disturbing indeed.

In stories, it always rained at funerals. From Alexandria’s experience, that wasn’t usually the case. The grass was wet, and it had rained earlier that morning, but despite the scattered clouds, it was shaping up to be a fine and warm late summer day.

So Alexandria found herself providing the rain herself.

“-and so we return to the Earth, to await the day of Resurrection and the return of our Lord and Savior, when the dead shall rise in glory. Ashes to ashes, dust to-”

“DADDY!”

The scream was expected. Alexandria had heard similar screams before. But seeing a little girl in a black dress, her face streaked with hot tears, snot dripping from her nose, pudgy hand reaching for the casket as it was lowered into the ground…

Having heard the same screams before didn’t make these any easier to bear. Knowing that the casket was mostly empty didn’t make this any less painful. There hadn’t been much to bury left.

A line formed, and Alexandria joined it. Hero stood beside her, sobbing quietly, looking guilt stricken as he always did. Legend was sober and dry eyed, but still mournful. And Eidolon was a dick.

“We shouldn’t be here. Especially out of costume,” he grumbled.

“David?” Legend said, his tone sweet.

“Yeah?”

Legend punched Eidolon right in the short ribs, soliciting a quiet grunt. “Shut the fuck up, and pay your respects.”

After about a half hour wait, they approached the open grave. Alexandria picked up a handful of dirt, sprinkling it over the already mostly covered casket. All of the Longshoreman’s union of Brockton Bay were here, to pay their respects to a fallen hero. She looked at the gravestone, and felt a pang.

Daniel J. Hebert

Beloved Father, Faithful Friend, Fallen Hero

Dec. 2, 1970 - Sept 15, 2000

He hadn’t even been 30 yet.

They walked by the wife and daughter, who were sitting on a bench under a tree, with a few relatives and well wishers gathered around. Annette Hebert looked exhausted, and stunned, as if it hadn’t fully sunken in yet. Taylor Hebert was crying softly, sitting on her mother’s lap and looking as though her entire world had just collapsed. She couldn’t have been more than five.

Alexandra stopped, kneeling beside Annette, who blinked at her, not recognizing her at all. She swallowed and said, “David. Some privacy?”

He grunted, but he did it. The others all felt the urge to be somewhere else, and wandered off, leaving the four of them alone with Annette and Taylor.

“Are you…some of Danny’s…friends?” Annette asked, her tone uncertain, but indicating she thought they were capes of some sort.

“I like to think we would have been,” Alexandria said quietly. “He saved my life. And Wyatte’s too.”

“Oh.” Annette sounded exhausted, as if she’d heard all this before.

“My name…well. You’d know me as Alexandria.”

The other woman’s eyes went wide, her jaw dropping as her daughter stirred, blinking back tears and frowning at Alexandria. “You…you mean-!” Annette looked around in surprise. “Does that mean, they’re-”

“I’m Hero,” he said, taking a seat on the bench. “But you can call me Wyatte. That’s David, also called Eidolon, and-”

“Keith,” Legend stuck out a hand, which Annette shook numbly. “I’m Legend.”

“Are…are you really Alexandria?” Taylor asked, fixating and scooting closer, her sorrow momentarily forgotten.

“Yes. I am. Your daddy saved my life.” She wasn’t entirely sure that was the case, but The Siberian had seriously injured Alexandria, and without that healing, she didn’t know what would have happened. Wyatte would definitely have been dead. Maybe all of them would have been. Well, probably not Eidolon. As it was, a lot of people had died before The Siberian had fled.

Including Danny Hebert.

Taylor nodded soberly. “He kicked ass.”

“Taylor,” Annette chided, but her heart clearly wasn’t in it. She still seemed slightly dazed. “You…thank you. I…I didn’t realize…”

“The Siberian was going for me. I was dead to rights,” Hero said quietly, folding his hands and looking at them in his lap. “Danny jumped between us. He didn’t have to. But he knocked me out of the way. He…he took the hit that was meant for me.”

“That’s what he always did,” Annette said, smiling faintly, tears filling her eyes once more. “He…he was such a good man. Full of ambition. When he got his powers…I…I was so afraid, and…”

Alexandria let the woman cry as long as she needed to, leaning in to hug her tightly. Not too hard, just a firm squeeze. It was several minutes, during which time Wyatte took Taylor and got out some baubles he had on him, that had the little girl giggling and clapping in moments.

After several minutes, Annette leaned back, taking out an already damp handkerchief and dabbing at her eyes. Alexandria did the same. She’d been crying too. She’d done this so many times. But it still hurt.

“Thank you. They…they wouldn’t tell me exactly what happened. They said…said it was classified,” Annette hiccuped, giving a grateful if pained smile to the four survivors.

“He was a real hero. And if you need anything, ever, call us,” Alexandria said, giving Annette a small white business card that had only a number on it.

“I don’t think I’ll have too many super villains pop up. Or so I hope,” Annette said in a bit of forced levity with her voice cracking towards the end so that hope came out half a sob.

“I mean anything. A couch moved. Something special for Taylor for Christmas. Money. A jerk told off. You call us. We’ll be there,” Alexandria vowed. This was something she didn’t do often, but…well. She hadn’t had her life saved very often either.

“We look after our own. Especially those of our fallen comrades,” Eidolon said quietly, his tone actually somewhat soft for once.

“Thank you,” Annette whispered, clutching Alexandria’s hands. “Thank you.”

They took one more minute, one more precious minute, then Alexandria stood. They’d tarried here long enough. “We’ve got to go.”

Annette nodded, standing herself, and Taylor timidly waved goodbye. They walked off together, until Alexandria felt something vibrate in her pocket. She took out the phone, and put it to her ear.

“Alexandria! We’ve got a situation! New Endbringer!” the frantic voice of one of her top PRT operatives gasped.

Her blood ran cold. “Where?”

“Davao City! The Philippines! Information is still coming in but-”

Hero reached out to her, and Alexandria grabbed him as he put on the gear needed for him to survive a flight with her, even as Eidolon and Legend took off together. They took off, and were at PRT Brockton Bay headquarters in moments. The facility was mostly empty, most of the staff and heroes would be at the funeral or running security in case a villain decided to make an appearance.

Within minutes they had the data, but there was frustratingly little. It wasn’t even clear if it WAS an Endbringer, whatever it was. A winged humanoid had descended upon Davao City on the island of Mindanao and had a population of nearly a million people. There was an active Cape Scene there, with a full time hero team and several villain groups and a dozen or so solo acts.

They soon had a live feed, which showed a winged woman hovering over the city at a height of about 1000 feet. Despite having wings, they were wrapped about her nude form as if to guard her modesty, and she appeared to be sleeping, head bowed, eyes closed. She seemed to be about 15 feet tall, and was so thin you could count the ribs that weren’t covered by her wings. She was pale, with white hair and feathers and almost alabaster skin.

“So she’s just sitting there, doing nothing,” Armsmaster said, having joined them a short time later. He frowned at the screen, then shook his head. “What do we do?”

“That’s not the question,” Eidolon said, his fingers laced together before him, elbows on his knees as he leaned forward in his seat.

“So what is it?” Armsmaster asked.

“What does She do,” Legend snorted, taking a sip of hot tea.

“She did fuck all when Behemoth hit Guadalajara, and that cities irradiated rubble now even with us getting there in record time,” Hero sighed, shaking his head.

“That’s on the other side of the planet from her,” Alexandria pointed out. “This is practically in her backyard.”

“Manila has requested aid from Japan. Not us. So what do we do?” Legend said with a sigh.

“We wait,” Alexandria answered.

After a few hours, Tokyo declared that it had no interest in the woman in the sky of Davao. The Philippines were not Japan. Raiden and the Sentai were the heroes of Japan, though the phrase they used for Raiden was closer to Spirit or God. And so, Raiden would remain in Japan.

Some time later, Washington got a call from Manila, begging for PRT aid.

“Well then, let’s go,” Eidolon decreed, standing.

“You wanna come?” Hero asked, grinning at Armsmaster. “It could be fun!”

He raised an eyebrow. “I doubt that. But my gear’s ready. Let’s go.”

They didn’t make it to Davao in time. Exactly eight hours after descending, the Angel of Death spread her wings, and began her song of destruction. It would be some time before they learned just how complete the death of the city was, and how grevious the blow to humanity would be.

But the people of the world cried out for a savior. They cried out for freedom.

And in Bavaria, a wind began to blow.

Dark Legend of Potter Chapter 51

After the initial ass chewing, Megumin and her companions returned to the Gryffindor students staying in a (very expanded) room at the Three Broomsticks. They were initially unsure if they were going to get a heroes’ welcome or be pummeled verbally and possibly physically for supreme idiocy.

However, these were Gryffindors. They needn’t have worried.

As soon as they entered the makeshift door, wild applause broke out, with hoots and hollers from all around. Fred and George even bounded over and raised Ron’s arms like he was some sort of quidditch champion and started singing “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow (But Mum Is Going To Kill Him When She Finds Out)”.

“Quiet! Quiet,” Percy shouted, raising his hands and looking around, and frowning at Fred and George until they put Ron down. “Well, first things first.” He went over and hugged Ron tightly. “Thanks. You saved Ginny.”

“Sure, just don’t tell her that,” Ron grunted, blushing at the sudden show of affection.

Percy let Ron go, then pulled over a stool and set it before Megumin. “Right. Now, why don’t you tell us all how you killed the Serpent of Slytherin. That’s what you did, right?”

Megumin swelled up with pride, jumping up on the stool and opening her mouth, only to have her moment ruined when Percy nodded to Darkness and Hermione. “And you two keep her from embellishing the facts too much.”

“What!? You would dare question my storytelling ability?!” Megumin demanded.

“Oh no, you’re quite entertaining, that’s why we stayed up,” Percy told her. “But I’d like what you say to have some basis in reality.”

“Well keep her head on straight,” Hermoine promised. “Now, it all started when-”

“-our beloved Ginny got kidnapped by the basilisk,” Kazuma said to the eager audience of Slytherins. While they were irritated that someone (probably Megumin) had slain the Serpent of Slytherin, four of their own ACTUALLY getting to set foot in the legendary Chamber of Secrets was too juicy a tale to miss.

“How’d that happen?” Flint demanded, scowling at the attention the younger students were getting. He was used to being the big man in the dorms, and Kazuma was gleeful at the prospect of knocking him off his perch.

“I’m not really sure. All I know is at the climax of the play, the basilisk came out of the pipes and grabbed me, Lavender, Yunyun, and Luna,” Ginny said with a shrug.

“How come you four girls and not someone else?” Daphne Greengrass asked, sounding more curious than suspicious.

“Maybe Sylvia just likes how girls taste,” Dust said, then immediately grunted as Draco, Kazuma, and Ginny beat him into silence.

“Sylvia? What, did the basilisk give you its bloody name?” Flint snorted.

“Dust has a very active imagination,” Kazuma clarified, and Dust nodded, holding back tears from the pain.

Ginny continued before Dust could screw up the story any further. “Well, anyway, I was taken down into a dark and smelly sewer pipe, where I-”

“-k-knew that m-my friends would c-come rescue me,” Yunyun explained to her room full of Hufflepuffs. Most of them looked down, highly embarrassed that the house known for steadfastness and loyalty had not, in fact, rallied and gone looking for their missing house member.

“Um, w-well, I saw t-two statues,” Yunyun continued. “O-one was a boy, and the other a woman. A-and, well, um, we were trapped there so-”

“So I immediately began searching for wrackspurts. You never know what you’ll find in a place like that,” Luna said, smiling vaguely at all the Ravenclaw students. Since they’d only had one of their number down in the chamber, they were all desperately pumping her for information.

“No, but what was the Chamber LIKE!?” one of the prefects demanded. “Do you not understand the historical significance of these events?! What information we could glean from the founders by exploring the Chamber of Secrets!?”

“Well, not very much now that Megumin’s destroyed it I imagine,” Luna mused thoughtfully. “Though there are a lot of wrackspurts down there. It’s the only reasonable explanation for what happened.”

“Well, what did happen?!”

“After I was in the Chamber I-”

“-BEHELD MY NEMESIS, LORD VOLDEMORT!” Megumin declared, posing dramatically.

There were startled gasps, but Percy shook his head. “That’s impossible. You already killed him last year… again.”

“A-ha! But that only shows how little you know! For you see, Voldemort left a shade of himself in the catacombs of the castle, to command the serpent to rise up and slay me!” Megumin cackled.

Everyone looked to her friends, but it was Lavender who spoke up. “Yeah, that’s what happened. It turned out Voldemort was possessing the basilisk, forcing her to kidnap us for some dark ritual to bring him back to life.”

There were more gasps, but Percy put in, “Well, did you tell the Headmaster?”

“Yes,” Megumin said, nodding seriously. “But fear not, for I-”

“-was going to get the heck out of there. I mean, the Dark Lord AND a big snake? No thanks!” Kazuma said, shaking his head.

“Shouldn’t you have been trying to help him, considering your family background?” Flint asked, glaring at Kazuma.

“Yeah, well, he wasn’t too keen on what we did to him the last time we met,” Dust said with a shrug.

“Yeah, and Ginny’s a Slytherin. We couldn’t let Voldemort kill her, she’s one of us!” Draco added.

That got muttered agreement from most of the Slytherins, though some of the die-hards looked ready for murder.

Kazuma glared at them, but continued. “Anyway, I was about to get the hell out of there when-”

“-Voldemort somehow put us all to sleep. I think he was using some sort of blibbering humdinger, or perhaps he was in on the Rotfang Conspiracy and got some knockout gas from the dentists,” Luna said, tapping her lip with her finger.

“Dentists!? You were in the most incredible discovery of the century, and you were worried about DENTISTS?!” an upperclassman demanded.

“You never know when one will sneak up on you, knock you out, and take your teeth. I suppose it mustn’t have been a dentist, as I have my teeth. They’re all still there, right?”

Luna pulled back her lips, showing off all her teeth to the disgust of most of her housemates, but the interest of some of the madder ones.

“No, still all there,” a cross eyed boy confirmed.

“Oh good. Well, anyway, I was asleep so-”

“-s-so, um, e-everyone fell asleep but Megumin, s-so you’ll have to ask her what happened,” Yunyun sighed.

“We can guess,” Cederic sighed, shaking his head. “Sorry, Dursley. We never should have left you down there alone.”

Yunyun smiled at the handsome older boy shyly and blushed. “Um, w-well, it’s OK. We all survived thanks-”

“-to my incredible brilliance, I fired my glorious Explosion so that it collapsed the roof on top of Voldemort and the Serpent, both incinerating them and burying them under tons of rubble so that there would be no chance of escape!” Megumin cackled, holding Chunchumaru aloft.

Ron nodded. “That’s our story.”

“It’s a bit embellished, I really don’t remember the rap battle,” Hermione said dubiously.

“You were asleep for that part,” Megumin sniffed.

“And, um, Professor Mizu and I woke up just in time to shield everyone so we weren’t caught in the rubble,” Darkness added.

“I thought Mizu was awake the whole time,” Angelina said, sounding confused.

“Yeah, something about that story doesn’t add up,” Katy agreed, frowning. “How’d you unpetrify Sylvia and this Tom kid?”

“That was through the divine grace and beauty of our blessed Lady Aqua,” Lavender sighed, clasping her hands together as though she were praying and looking up to the heavens.

“It’s true, the professor had some mandrake potions on her. Apparently, she’s some sort of genius detective and knew about the basilisk the whole time,” Hermione said in a rather sarcastic tone, complete with eye roll.

“Our beloved and benevolent Lady Aqua is a genius! She’s so kind and wonderful, I think everyone should join the Axis Cult!” Lavender said brightly, prompting various groans.

“Right, story time’s over,” Percy declared. “Go to bed. Girls on the right, boys to the left.”

It was floor to ceiling bunk beds in the combined girl’s dorm, as even with the expansion charms you could only do so much. Still, the beds were comfortable enough, and everyone was tired. Before she fell asleep though, Megumin hung her head down to where Hermione was.

“Pssst. Do you think they bought it?” Megumin whispered.

“If you keep acting suspiciously and asking questions like that, they won’t,” Hermione said. “Just stick to the story. Or, well, in your case, just invent new and interesting details to keep them off the scent.”

“Do you think it’s a good idea?” Darkness asked, poking her head up from below. “Letting Tom…you know…”

“Yunyun insisted on it, so it will be fine. But if he dares hurt her again,” Megumin said darkly, her eyes glowing ominously in the dim light.

“That’s a problem for Future Hermione. Present Hermione is going to sock both of you with a pillow if you don’t let her go to sleep.”

Megumin’s head disappeared, but Darkness blushed. “I-I would not mind if you hit me with a pillow…”

But Hermione had closed her eyes, and Darkness sighed and lay down. She thought about being slammed into the wall by that snake, and shivered. To face such a fearsome foe…yes. Yes, that was EXACTLY what she wanted. Especially if Kazuma was there. To show him she was better than him, of course.

In the end, the Winter Holidays were extended by three days. It could have been only one, as Aqua was finished with all the repairs by noon, but absolutely no one wanted to go inside the castle until it had been thoroughly confirmed as “basilisk free.” That, and several people had a hard time believing that even with magic that it was possible to repair a mostly destroyed castle in one day.

They were sort of right, you’d need to have the power of a (rather dumb) goddess to do it, but that’s beside the point.

To Dumbledore’s mild surprise, Aqua had rebuilt the Chamber of Secrets. To the horror of all the Slytherins, she’d felt compelled to make some “artistic changes.”

Instead of being damp and dank, the Chamber of Secrets was now well lit, and had a viewing portal to the depths of the lake, along with a tasteful lounge and bar decorated with authentic naval paraphernalia, with the benches and tables being carved exquisitely from driftwood, and with various bits and bobs such as ships helms, compasses, and the real turret of the USS Monitor, fully restored from it’s fate at the bottom of Atlantic.

Apparently, Aqua hadn’t quite gotten the memo that she was in Britain yet.

However, as far as the various snake stations and such went, they’d been replaced by statues to Thalia, Muse of Comedy and Poetry that looked suspiciously like a certain someone. Along with far less subtle inscriptions of “scripture” with charming sayings like, “When people tell you you're wrong, you should just ignore them. After all, it would be a lot of work to change your ways, and it’s easier to just keep doing what you were before. Don’t give up! Lady Aqua is with you!”

Large snake bones were “mysteriously” absent, though no one with any experience with the sort of firepower Megumin could command had really expected to find them. In the end, the aurors and professors ended up combing the school for three days with their cocks out, pausing for frequent crowing sessions to make sure any lingering snakes were dealt with.

During this time, Slyiva insisted on wearing earmuffs and having a nervous breakdown in the basement of the Three Broomsticks, despite frequent assurances from Yunyun that humans did not, in fact, die when they heard a rooster crow.

For his part, Tom was put in with the Slytherins, who were at first bemused, then exasperated, with his constant antics and bragging. This was doubly exacerbated by the fact that if there was one person in poorer regard in Slytherin House at the moment (and, well, all the time really) it was Megumin Potter, who had not only once more vanquished Voldemort (and could not shut up about this) but had also vandalized and desecrated the most sacred place in Slytherin Mythos by not only destroying it, but bringing a bunch of mudbloods there first. And Tom was actually EXACTLY like Megumin and her mudblood cousin.

The only person stupid enough to point this out aloud was one Pansy Parkinson, telling Tom that he was “apeing that filthy mudblood Dursley.”

Tom blushed, laughed, and patted Pansy on the back. Three hours later, they found her hung by her knickers from the tallest tree in Hogsmeade with a sign that said, “Enemies of the USSR beware.”

This incited a very brief Red Scare amongst those among the students aware of muggle politics, until Pansy was revived and said Tom had been the one to knock her out after telling her that “no one mocks the Soviet Yunyun.”

Apparently, Tom hadn’t been keeping up with the times, which was understandable for someone who’s earliest memories were of a bunch of tween girls writing in him, and latest memories were of an epic duel of legends that he wasn’t allowed to talk about.

After hearing about this, Snape took Tom aside, taking him for a walk by the infamous Screaming Shack. “Your behavior towards Miss Parkinson is unacceptable, Mr. Riddle.”

“What are you blaming me for? I justly and valiantly defended my good friend Yunyun from a grievous insult! People should be praising me, not acting like I’m a villain,” Tom huffed, folding his arms over his chest and kicking a rock along as they walked.

“That is not how we behave in Slytherin,” Snape said silkily, frowning down at the young man.

“I seem to remember Parkinson and some others going on about how Voldemort was so great because he scared everyone and killed some perfectly innocent muggleborn. Making a public example of your foes seems Slytherin to me,” Tom shot back.

Snape’s lips compressed into a thin line, and he made a mental note to keep a closer eye on Parkinson and the group she spent her time with. “A true Slytherin is subtle in their revenge. Waiting for the perfect moment to strike, ensuring that their foe's humiliation cannot be used against them, biding their time in the shadows. That is what it is to be cunning, and not a brutish thug.”

“Well what’s the point of revenge if everyone doesn’t know that it was you who did it?” Tom demanded.

“In this case, you have become distinctly unpopular in your own house, and left yourself open to reprisals, Mr. Riddle,” Snape said.

“Yeah, so? Who cares,” Tom huffed, looking away.

Snape lowered his head until he was even with Tom, dropping his voice to a low hiss. “I would think very carefully about earning the ire of this house, Mr. Riddle, and especially of gaining my enmity. For someone who has such great secrets to hide, you are behaving the fool. See to it that you do not turn yourself into a thorn in my side I will be forced to remove.”

“Yeah? And what do you know about me? I don’t even know anything about me!” Tom said, puffing out his chest and glaring at Snape.

“For one thing, Mr. Riddle, I think you should reflect on what name I have been calling you by, and get a bit better at your cover story.”

Tom went very pale, his mouth hanging open as Snape walked away, not even turning around as he called, “You will be joining Miss Weasley and her lackeys in detention, until such a time as I find it more irksome to have you there than not.”

As it turned out, the only ones to escape detention were Luna and Yunyun, who were also apparently the only ones to have the good sense not to mouth off to their Heads of House when getting a lecture, though since most people thought they’d been kidnapped, there was no reason to punish them.

At one such detention where Megumin and the rest of her compatriots in Gryffindor were cleaning out the Thestral stables, with shovels and rakes, no wands allowed, she remarked, “It’s just not fair! I defeated Voldemort again, but it’s only halfway through term! By rights, this year's story should be over so we can go on to the next, more interesting adventure!”

“I’d be happy for this to all be over just so we can stop having to clean this place,” Ron grumbled through the kerchief covering his nose and mouth.

“I’m afraid the real world doesn’t adhere to your sense of dramatic timing,” Hermione told Megumin, making a face as she shoved out another very smelly bit of Thestral manure. Unlike horses that eat mostly grass, Thestrals were omnivorous, and thus their droppings were far more pungent and messy.

Despite her best efforts, Megumin only managed to have a few minor adventures (but lots of detentions) for the second half of her second year at Hogwarts. She did manage to feud and row with Ginny and her minions, but the shared secrets they now had meant that most of them had accepted Ginny could be everyone’s little sister.

A position she proved to have absolutely no trouble mercilessly abusing at every opportunity.

Much to everyone’s relief, Megumin did not, in fact, manage to blow up Hogwarts again that year, though she did destroy a significant section of the Forbidden Forest (again) when out on a “monkey hunt,” an activity that was increasingly mandatory as despite recorded kills of several hundred flying monkeys and the vaporization of at least as many, the damn things just kept popping up again and again.

And so, for perhaps the first and only time in Megumin’s Hogwarts career, the end of the year came and went without a major crisis. Not that this helped the teacher’s blood pressure any, as they were still recovering from the whole crisis six months before.

“I’m telling you, something’s going to happen,” Megumin said, gazing longingly at the green banners filling the Great Hall. Despite Tom’s best efforts to keep up with Megumin in the points losing game initially, his house and beaten some sense into him, and Slytherin was well into the lead after a rousing round of “kiss up to Aqua” that had resulted in a completely ludicrous amount of points being awarded.

In contrast, thanks to Megumin blowing up the Forbidden Forest the week before, Gryffindor were currently at a grand total of -153 points, something rarely achieved in Hogwarts history. However, as she had received 5 points from Snape on the same day for her paper on modifying an Animagus potion (and providing a completed sample with Yunyun’s help) the entire house considered this to be an absolute win on her part and took their standing as a badge of pride.

“Congratulations once more to Slytherin House for winning the cup,” Dumbledore said at the conclusion of his speech. “And now, may the feast begin.”

“Wait, that’s it?” Kazuma said, causing Dumbledore to pause in the act of sitting down.

“I’m not quite sure I take your meaning,” Dumbledore said, giving Kazuma a grandfatherly smile.

“Isn’t there, you know, some prize for winning the cup?” Kazuma asked, looking rather put out.

“Why yes. The Hall has been decorated in your house colors. Do you not remember this from last year?” Dumbledore asked, sounding rather amused.

“Well, I mean, Miss Chuuni Boom-Booms had blown up the castle, so I figured, you know, funds were tight or something. But surely there’s more to it than that!” Kazuma said, pointing to the banners.

“Ah yes. The cakes on the high table have been decorated with green frosting. Now, let’s eat,” Dumbledore said, and sat down as Kazuma gapped in horror.

“Did you seriously think there was something more to the House Cup?” Ginny teased as they started eating.

“I mean, we put in all that work!” Kazuma complained. “And all we get is some stupid banners!? We can’t even keep them! I was expecting at least a small cash prize.”

“I think the banners are nice, I like green,” Dust said happily.

“I mean, I think Kazuma has a point,” Draco mused. “For all the effort we put into beating Potter and the rest, this is sort of anticlimactic.”

“What effort?” Ginny said with a snort. “You just gave Aqua some cheap butterbeer and complimented her hair for a couple of hours.”

“And that means I’m out the cost of an entire CASE of butterbeers! I was expecting some sort of return on my investment!” Kazuma huffed.

“Didn’t you get Mr. Malfoy to send you those for free?” Dust asked, frowning in confusion.

“Yeah, I could have drunk them myself! Instead, she did! This is outrageous, it’s unfair! I demand a refund!” Kazuma huffed.

Ginny rolled her eyes. “Fat chance of that. Look, it’s just a scheme to get people to behave. Works wonders on ponces like my brother Percy. I’m shocked you even cared this much, Kazuma.”

“Hey, I thought I’d get something out of this. Well screw this, next year, no more Mr. Nice Guy! If points aren’t worth anything but some stupid banners, see if I care about points,” Kazuma scoffed.

“It’s too bad there’s no way to get points for screwing up. If there were, it’d be a lot easier to get them,” Dust sighed.

“Yeah, you just lose points for that, but who cares?! Only rubes!” Kazuma ranted.

“And all the bootlickers who try and earn points,” Draco sneered. “Talk about a lack of ambition.”

“Well, I guess Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw will be pretty happy then,” Dust said with a shrug.

“Why them?” Draco asked, frowning.

“Well, Gryffindor will never win as long as Megumin’s there because she’ll always blow something up and lose loads of points,” Dust pointed out. “And if we’re not trying, Slytherin probably won’t win, right? So it’ll be the Badgers or the Eagles.”

“They’re a bunch of tossers who are teachers' pets, of course they care about points,” Ginny said, rolling her eyes.

“Ha ha, yeah, I bet they’d do anything for points,” Draco agreed.

A lightbulb, or at least, a lumos spell, went off in Kazuma’s head. “Say that again?”

“They’re teachers' pets?” Dust offered, frowning slightly.

“They really would do anything for points, I’ve seen some students carry a professor's stuff all through the halls to try and get points, it’s pathetic. Or the old trick of tossing some rubbish on the floors and cleaning it up when a professor walks by,” Draco said with a shrug.

“Yeah…yeah,” Kazuma mused. “I bet…I’d bet some of them would pay for points to win the cup…”

“Pff, they should pay Megumin then, she loses points and that’s almost the same thing,” Dust laughed.

“Dust, you’re a genius!” Kazuma cried, grinning madly.

That caused his companion to blink. “I am?”

“No, you’re a moron, but I’ve had a brilliant idea. Next year, we’re going to be rich. And here’s how…”

The next day, after the students had gone home, Dumbledore called Aqua to his study. There, she found the four heads of house waiting for her, all of them looking very serious. “Professor Mizu, I’m afraid I have unfortunate news for you,” Dumbledore said.

“Ah man, did Kazuma die again? Where is he? I’ll fix it, he hasn’t used any revives so far,” Aqua sighed.

That earned looks of horror and outrage from the professors, but Dumbledore shook his head. “Young Master Crabbe was well when he left, and I assume he will remain so until under the care of his guardians. No, I am afraid that your contract has come to an end, and the Board has elected not to renew it.”

“Huh?” Aqua blinked, looking uncertain.

“He means you’re sacked,” McGonagall said flatly.

“You’ve been let go, dear,” Sprout said more gently.

“You’re an incompetent fool. We’ve never had such low NEWT and OWL scores. Get out,” Snape sneered.

“Severus,” Dumbledore chided, even as Aqua began to sniffle. He sighed, and took off his glasses. “While our Defense scores have been lacking, you did manage to help defeat a great evil, and are surely a powerful witch.”

“I am not a bitch,” Aqua grumbled, which made Dumbledore’s smile grow slightly more pained.

“However, several members of our Board and staff feel that you have recklessly endangered students, participated in the destruction of the campus and disruption of the school year, and, well, my dear…I am afraid you simply do not seem to have much in the way of ability as far as Defense Against the Dark Arts go.”

“But I’m super amazing and banishing the undead and demons! And I fixed Hogwarts! Twice! W-why are you being so mean!” Aqua blubbered, tears rolling down her cheeks.

“We’re not being mean, I’m afraid you simply aren’t suited for the position of defense teacher my dear,” Flitwick said, getting up to go over to hand Aqua a hankie.

She blew her nose rather loudly into it, then turned the hankie into a cascade of rose petals, which was admittedly rather impressive as she hadn’t used a wand, gesture, or any words to do it. The petals fluttered down around her, and Aqua begged, “Please! I had a lot of fun being a professor! I can do it again, I promise! I think I even broke the Curse!”

“If you had, you wouldn’t be getting fired now, would you?” Snape said dryly.

“B-but I did!” Aqua rummaged around in her purse, and pulled out the two cracked halves of a diadem. “See? Luna and I finally found it, because she really needed to use the bathroom a few weeks ago! So I took out the horcrux and destroyed it! So, the curse totally is broken!”

“That’s…THAT’S THE DIADEM OF ROWENA RAVENCLAW!” Flitwick thundered, his face growing beet red. “GET OUT! GET OUT, YOU INCOMPETENT NINNY!”

Wailing, Aqua fled the room, dropping the two halves of the former relic as she fled.

Hands shaking, Flitwick picked them out, then frowned. “That’s odd…”

“Hmm? What seems to be the matter, Filius?” Dumbledore asked, leaning over and peering over his spectacles.

“It’s just…It feels…odd.” Flitwick set the destroyed relic on Dumbledore’s desk, then wiped his hands off on his robe. “Greasy. She must have damaged it somehow.”

“She called it a Horcrux,” Sprout said, frowning slightly. “What is that?”

“It’s impossible. We know that one was destroyed already. There could only have been the one,” Snape muttered, shaking his head in consternation.

Dumbledore drew out his wand, waving it over the Horcrux and muttering something. A flickering green image appeared for a moment, then faded. He muttered an oath and sat back, feeling sick to his stomach.

“Albus?” McGonagall asked. “What, exactly, is a Horcrux?”

“A very dark and foul artefact. And…and I hazard that this was one, until a short time ago,” Dumbledore said, his voice rather more reedy than usual.

“Then, you mean…she really DID break the Curse, and…oh Merlin,” Flitwick moaned, getting unsteadily to his feet. “I think…I think I owe her an apology.”

“Yes. I think it’s best if we go have a talk with her,” Dumbledore said, rising.

“Albus, you don’t mean to give her the position back, do you?” Sprout asked, standing along with the others. “The Board aside…she is completely awful at teaching Defense.”

“I’d say she’s the worst teacher here, but that damned Binns just won’t pass on,” Flitwick sighed, shaking his head. “Well. I suppose I can at last be a bit more gentle and take back my harsh words.”

“I regret that Miss Mizu is eminently unsuitable for the position of Defense Professor,” Dumbledore sighed, and they all headed out after Mizu. Her path was rather easy to find, thanks to the large puddles of water she had left in her wake.

“Just how much does that woman cry?” McGonagal said, frowning as she cleaned up the latest puddle they’d found.

“More than is reasonable or healthy, much like her drinking,” Snape sniffed.

“Where is she going?” Sprout asked, looking around. “Isn’t this near old Binn’s classroom?”

Dumbledore paused, then his eyes went wide. “She wouldn’t.”

“She would,” Snape growled, and he broke into a run, followed sharply by the rest of the supposedly dignified senior staff.

They burst into Binn’s room just in time to see Aqua hovering in midair, a portal open behind her to an unearthly paradise. Aqua herself was glowing slightly, and was holding a staff tipped with a blooming flower, a pink mantle wrapped around her and dressed in a blue miniskirt. Angelic music drifted out of the portal, and endless pools of clean water amidst bright skies and colorful meadows could be seen, along with laughing people with shining faces.

“And now, Cuthbert Binns, be at peace. At long last, your task is done. Pass on, my son.”

“I…I see it, I hear it, the light,” Binns gasped, his translucent form slowly becoming solid as he drifted up towards the portal. “I see…my old friends!”

“Bertie!” a young woman with tanned skin and freckles, dressed only in a flower necklace and grass skirt that barely covered her modesty appeared close to the portal, waving excitedly to Binns. “Come on, the water’s fine! I’ve been waiting for ages for you to finally show up, you stuffy old git!”

“Eupie?!” Binns gasped, and suddenly, he wasn’t a stuffy old man anymore, but a red haired youth of about twenty. “Is that really you!?”

“Of course it is! Come on, there’s no Saint Peter, but we do have beach volleyball thanks to Lady Aqua!” Eupie said, extending a hand through the portal to Binns.

Binns took her hand, and was pulled into the portal. As he passed by Aqua, he looked at her and whispered, “Thank you, goddess.”

And then he was gone. The portal snapped shut, and Aqua sank back to the ground, her regalia vanishing, and replaced with her Hogwarts robes. “Hmph. See if they fire me now!”

Then she turned around and saw the astonished senior staff, and blushed. “Uh, I was just coming to check in on old Bertie, and-”

“Was that…was that Eupraxia Mole?” Flitwick asked, sounding faint. “She looked a lot younger than in her portrait, but-”

“Uh, I don’t know what you’re talking about! Um, nothing to see here!” Aqua said, blushing. She began to make a great show of looking around, putting a hand to her eyes and searching under the dusty desks. “Um, Mr. Binns, where are you? I, uh, wanted to say goodbye!”

“You…you exorcized Binns?” McGonagall asked, her voice cracking slightly. She licked her lips, looking rather faint.

“Welllllll…” Aqua tapped her pointer fingers together, looking abashed. “Technically, it wasn’t an exorcism…I just, sort of, you know…helped him pass on…”

“That, fool girl, is what an exorcism is!” Snape snapped, though he was looking much paler than normal himself. Quite a feat for someone who acted like he was allergic to sunlight.

“Well, anyway, it looks like you have a position open!” Aqua said in a completely artless attempt to change the subject. “And as it happens, I know a lot about history! After all, I was there for most of it!”

“Most of it?’ Flitwick squeaked, going over to sit at a desk and mop his sweating face with another hankie.

“Uh, sometimes I sort of get busy with other worlds when there’s a crisis or something, but don’t worry! Eris or one of the others watch over you until I get back! After all, I’ve been waiting for my vacation here since, uh…how long has it been since this universe was made?”

“Quite some time I imagine,” Sprout said breathlessly, looking at Aqua slightly cross eyed.

“Yeah, I’m no good with dates either. Well, anyway, I would make an amazing history professor!” Aqua declared, puffing out her chest.

“This is…quite the development. I’ll have to talk to the Board,” Dumbledore said, his expression distant. “They are used to not having to pay a salary to the History of Magic professor.”

“Eh, as long as you give me some food and bubbly, I don’t care about the money! Eris looks after mine in this world, and I’m already pretty rich so I don’t need more,” Aqua said with a shrug.

“I think ‘unremunerated’ is about the going rate for your quality of instruction,” Snape snorted.

“Thanks! I think my teaching’s pretty cool too!” Aqua said, smiling happily. “So, do I have the job?”

Dumbledore shared a look with the others. “I think…I think we had best keep you around, Miss Mizu.”

“Yay! I can’t wait! Oh man, this means that Lupin gets to be the new DADA Professor! Oh man, this is even better! I can’t wait to tell Chris!” and with that, Aqua skipped away, humming happily to herself.

The five senior staff waited quietly for a few moments, staring at the place where the portal to paradise had hung in the air for a brief moment in time.

“I still refuse to believe she’s actually anything but a dimwitted charlatan,” Snape declared, breaking the spell.

“Oh come off it, Severus,” Flitwick groaned. “Did you SEE that!? And the other things! The True Silver, her rebuilding the castle twice! She’s not what she appears to be!”

“If nothing else, I’m certain Miss Potter will find another way to cause future calamities,” McGonagall sighed in an unusual fit of prescience.

“I think I’m going to have to talk to a priest,” Sprout said faintly. “Or better yet, talk to Miss Mizu about this supposed cult of hers. Might be something to it.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Dumbledore said, sparing Sprout for a fate worse than death. “But I think we’d best be keeping an eye on her.”

Back on the train, Megumin was fuming.

“What’s wrong?” Ron asked her.

“I can’t believe we didn’t end this year properly!” Megumin ranted. She flung open the window, and looked out at the mostly empty countryside. “I’m fixing that, right now!” She stuck her wand out the window. “Heed me thou who is darker than dusk-”

She didn’t get further than that before Ron, Hermione and Darkness all tackled her and pinned her to the ground.

“LET ME GO! A CRIMSON DEMON PERISHES IF SHE’S NOT ALLOWED TO USE EXPLOSION ONCE A DAY!” Megumin wailed.

“More like we’ll perish if you set that off! My mum’s still mad about that whole castle exploding thing that happened again this year! No more Explosions!” Ron grunted, taking away Megumin’s wand.

She gave him a hurt look, until Ron added, “Not until we find somewhere you can let loose. Maybe take you to the sea or something. No one would mind if you blew up an empty bit of ocean.”

“See, this is why you’re my favorite minion, Ronald,” Megumin sighed as she was let up. “Fine. I’ll wait until later.”

Sitting next to the window, Megumin gazed out as the English countryside whizzed by. Blowing up a bit of the ocean might be fun…but what she really needed was another big, hard castle to practice her art on.

“Next year, Hogwarts, next year,” Megumin vowed quietly to herself.

End Year 2

Megumin Potter will return in:

DARK LEGEND OF POTTER: THE MAN FROM AZKABAN

Re-Write for Second Archon War Chapter 1

I don't normally do re-writes, but I wasn't very happy with the Bubba scene from about the day after I wrote it. Thinking about it, I really should have used the Heberts to show that scene, especially Danny as he was destined to be a minor character. So, I re-wrote it. This obviously takes place during Raiden's initial appearance. 

“Reports are still coming in of the two unnamed parahumans that are battling Levithan. They seem to have left the city after over half an hour of fighting, and reports indicate that the Endbringer may be successfully driven off.”

Sighing, Daniel looked out the window at the gloomy morning. It was time for another shift. Some days, he just felt defeated though. Nagasaki seemed like it might be spared, but their docks and shipping would be wrecked. He felt for his fellow longshoremen, but also for his own brothers, and his own family. Another blow to the global shipping industry. How much longer could they hang on? How many ships had been destroyed in this attack?

“Honey, can you help Taylor? She had an accident and I need to wash her sheets,” his wife, Annette called from upstairs.

“Sure thing, babe,” Daniel called, standing up from his breakfast and suppressing a groan. Not again. Taylor was four now, wasn't this supposed to stop happening? Well, it had been awhile, and she'd been scared when she went to bed with the talk of the impending attack of Leviathan.

He found his daughter sitting on the toilet and looking guilty, but he smiled at her as he turned on the show. "It's OK, kiddo. Accidents happen. Were you scared?"

"I had nightmares," Taylor admitted. "The fish monster."

That made Daniel wince and feel like this was his fault. Taylor didn't need to be having nightmares about Endbringers. He helped Taylor into the shower, then stepped out into the hall to listen to the TV. He felt slightly guilty, but he did need to know.

“-Japanese officials continue to state that the evacuation proceeds as planned, with the two parahumans buying the city of Nagasaki time. At last word, fighting had left the city proper and was now in Nagasaki Bay.”

Annette walked by, looking tired and slightly frazzled. "Thanks. Thought you'd be gone by now."

Gesturing to the TV, Daniel said, "Just listening to the news. I was right, it was any day now. I just thank God it wasn't us."

"Live to fight another day," Annette said tiredly as she moved into the kitchen. "Hey, will you be able to pick up Taylor from preschool today? I need to do office hours and help a few of my students with their end of term reports."

"That's not for a few weeks right?" Daniel asked, then added, "I'll try. Things are gonna be crazy with people all worried about another port destroyed."

He glanced out the window, watching the faint glow of the sunrise. Then he blinked. They sky had gone purple.

Just then, the power went off, and Taylor screamed. Daniel half moved to get her, but his jaw dropped as what looked like the aurora borealis spread across the discolored sky, and then...something. There was a loud bang, and he winced.

Annette gasped and moved to the window, then cried out. "Oh my God! There's a car crash!" She bolted for the door, rushing to see to the accident.

Daniel tore his gaze away and got his crying daughter out of the shower, though by the time he'd wrapped her in a towel the lights had come back on.

"Danny! Danny, call 911!" Annette shouted from outside, and Daniel ran to the phone by the window. He looked out to see Annette by a sedan that had run right into a light pole, with a bloodied and dazed looking woman in the driver's seat. He tried to call 911, but the line was busy. How could that happen?

"Daddy, daddy, look! It's dead!"

Daniel turned to the TV, where an astonished reporter was speaking. "-appologize for the interruption in the broadcast, we had a short power outage, but it looks like Leviathan has been defeated. Initial reports are skeptical, but we go live to footage from Japan."

The image was fuzzy and distorted by rain, and was at a far distance. But something was floating on the water. The camera zoomed in first to the body of what looked like a dragon, which was rapidly shrinking. A purple streak flew down, and the dragon vanished, but the camera panned over to show the other object.

"Oh my God," Daniel gasped as Taylor began to clap and cheer.

The head of Leviathan floated in the waves, eyes sightless and dull, with it's midsection floating not far away, the waters stained with some dark fluid that must have been blood.

"We won! The good guys one! Daddy, was it Alexandria!?" Taylor asked excitedly.

Daniel slowly picked up Taylor, hugging her tightly as tears filled his eyes. "Yes. I think things just changed for us, Tay-Tay."

But outside, Annette held a stranger's hand as her life bled away.

And the world changed course forever.

The Second Archon War, Imperatrix Umbrosa 9

Looking around the expansive workshop, Daniel couldn’t help but feel a little nervous. He could see ray guns, a hoverbike, bits of iconic armor, and even a set of limited edition Topps Trading cards in a glass case, signed by all four members of the Protectorate Elite. He went over to examine them, noting they were all graded by VGA as Mint 10s. That had to be insanely rare.

“I see you went straight for the good stuff, Longshoreman!”

Jumping slightly, Daniel stood up and grinned sheepishly at Hero. “Uh, yeah, I used to collect cards myself when I was a kid. I had a Garman/Cooper/Fisk triple card that was mint, along with some other stuff.”

“Oh? Your mom threw yours out too?” Hero laughed, coming over to admire his own card.

“Uh, no, actually. Sold ‘em to pay for my honeymoon,” Daniel admitted.

“Ha! Well, I bet that was worth it. I’ve seen the pictures of your wife and daughter. Cute kid, she’s what, five?”

“As of this June,” Daniel confirmed, smiling and pulling out his wallet. He showed Hero a picture of Taylor before he even realized what he was doing. “She’s my baby girl. I do all this for her, you know?”

“Not a family man myself,” Hero admitted, grinning ruefully. “I was sort of out of the dating scene when I was younger, and now, well…”

“Yeah,” Daniel said, feeling a lump in his throat, and fingering the mask he had around his neck. He wasn’t wearing it now, not in Hero’s very own workshop at the PRT New York headquarters, but, well…

“The good news is, most people play by the rules. There’s some who don’t, but, well, if that happens…you let us know, OK?” Hero said, sounding serious. He took off his own mask, causing Daniel to blink. The greatest Tinker in the world extended his hand. “And when we’re here, call me Wyatt. Mind if I call you Danny?”

“Uh, no, not at all,” Daniel said, smiling and taking the hand. Hero didn’t try to crush Daniel’s hand, and he made sure not to crush Hero’s. He’d screwed up a few times, and why he could usually control how much juice he pumped, he definitely had made a few mistakes.

“So, to business then,” Hero said, turning to a very organized workbench. There were a few contraptions that looked like a motor and some sensors there, and he gestured to them. “Would you do the honors? Your device first. I want to see if it’s tinkertech myself.”

“All the other tests say it isn’t, and honest to God I didn’t make it myself. It just showed up one day,” Daniel said, taking out his Vision and placing it on the perfectly designed holder.

“Hmm. Interesting,” Hero mused, taking out a PDA of some sort and tapping on it. “There’s energy in there, but…I can’t really tap it. Or do much other than say it holds a faint charge.”

“Here, I can pump something into it,” Daniel said, taking the Vision back and putting a hand on the device. He channeled a bit of power, and purple sparks flew as the machine hummed to life.

“Yeah, that does it. Keep it up for a bit, don’t go too hard. I’ll take you over to the rig over there to see how much you can really do,” Hero said, nodding over to what looked like a glass box with two copper poles to act as an anode and a cathode.

“No problem, I can do this for a while, though it does make me hungry and sore if I go too long,” Daniel said.

“Interesting. So, Colin tells me you started heroing about five months ago?” Hero said, making polite conversation as he continued the test.

“You mean Armsmaster? Yeah, I triggered back in November of last year when Oni Lee, small time villain in Brockton Bay, came and interrupted a Union Meeting. We, uh, we’d been smuggling some drugs to make ends meet…I wasn’t directly involved, but, well, I knew and I turned a blind eye. With the way things were when Leviathan was around…guys needed to feed their families, you know?”

“You're the Longshoremen, right? Don’t worry, I don’t judge. You came clean and you joined the side of the angels, that’s what counts,” Hero told him. “Can you increase the output just a bit, then lower it? I want to see some spikes.”

Daniel complied, grunting slightly as he did so, sweat forming on his brow.

“You can do quite a bit more than just make lightning, right? You’ve got quite the gamut of powers from what I’ve heard,” Hero observed.

“Well, I’m no Eidolon, and I’m still figuring things out, but yeah I guess? I can shock people of course, I usually use a lance that Armsmaster made for me to channel the juice. I figured out how to use it to make myself stronger, faster, and even teleport short distances. Not very far, really, just a few feet and I have to be able to see where I’m going, but I can get through a chainlink fence or something.”

“And you can heal too, right?” Hero asked. “Sounds handy.”

“Yeah, it hurts like hell though whether I do it to myself or others, but it beats dying I guess.”

“I heard you had an incident with a Master who could control plants too. From the sound of it, it was pretty funny,” Hero chuckled. “Come on, let’s put you in the cage and see what you can really do.”

“Yeah, uh, I didn’t realize it, but when my electricity touches plants, instead of just frying, they go wild. Like I’m feeding them turbo-Miracle Gro or something,” Daniel said, stepping towards the cage. “There was a bit of an accident, and Fly Trap was killed by his own-”

An alarm went off, and Hero looked up, snapping his visor into place. A moment later, a man materialized out of nowhere, and Daniel swore and jumped back before he recognized him. Eidolon. The most powerful cape in the world. Or, well, he had been until Raiden showed up. Now it was debatable, even if Daniel liked to root for the home team.

“We’ve got a Class S threat just north of Boston. Legend’s on the scene already, but he’s calling for backup. Alexandria’s on her way, but I think we should go as well. It sounds bad. Brute who’s already killed three capes and a few dozen police and civilians.”

“North of Boston?” Daniel said, stepping forward, a sense of horror filling his stomach. “Not in Brockton?”

“It’s south of Brockton,” Eidolon answered, glancing at Daniel. “Longshoreman, right? You’re still a greenhorn. This might be too much for you.”

“Ah, he’s fought a few pretty serious threats, been cleaning up Brockton with Colin. I was just about to test him, see what he can really do,” Hero laughed. He turned to Daniel. “How about it? Want to skip the lab and go right to a field test?”

“That’s my backyard,” Daniel said firmly. “No way in hell I’m letting an S Class threat near my home. The Union’s just finished rebuilding, and that’s where my family is.”

Eidolon shrugged. “I’m not going to say no, but this is dangerous.”

“Cut the crap, I knew that when I put on the mask,” Daniel snapped. His uniform wasn’t too gaudy: He was dressed like, well, a Longshoreman, wearing blue overalls, sturdy work boots, gloves, and a long sleeve shirt. His mask was basically the hood of a jacket pulled down and with eyeholes, but it worked. He was still a Longshoreman. Even had lifetime honorary membership in the ILA.

“Fair enough,” Eidolon agreed. “Just don’t get in the way, and try not to get yourself killed.”

“He’s always so nice,” Hero said in a stage whisper. “Real people person.”

“So’s Armsmaster,” Daniel said wryly. “It’s easy to see why they’re both so popular.”

“If you two are done making jokes, people are dying. Grab your gear, I can take two with me while I’m using this power,” Eidolon ordered.

“Ready to go,” Hero said, grabbing a raygun and a pack of tools and devices. Daniel nodded, picking up his lance, and Eidolon put a hand on their shoulders.

A moment later, Daniel’s ears popped, and he appeared in the middle of what looked and smelled like a warzone. Smoke from burning cars and buildings filled the air, the sound of explosions and violent crashes could be heard nearby, and the screams of the wounded.

“Shit!” Daniel ran towards a cop who’d had one arm ripped off and half his guts torn out. He stuffed as much of the organs back in as he could as the man screamed bloody murder, then put a hand on the cops sternum. “Sorry pal, this’ll hurt, but not as much as you do already probably.”

He drew upon his Vision, and lightning arced and crackled as the main howled in renewed pain. When he was done, the cop had passed out, but a finger to his jugular showed he had a steady pulse.

“He’ll live,” Daniel said, standing. Eidolon was gone, but Hero had crouched next to a wounded woman in a green leotard that had a leg ripped off, and was spraying some kind of gel on her wound.

“That was fast work. You OK, Leapfrog?”

“I am now,” the other cape said, gritting her teeth. “Thanks. Glad you guys showed up. I don’t know who that crazy naked bitch is, but she went through me like it was nothing. I can normally get out of the way, but she was fast. Too fast.”

Daniel looked towards the sound of fighting and shook his head. “Whatever that thing is, it’s still going with Eidolon and Legend tangling with it.”

“Let’s keep moving, in a situation like this I try to provide support,” Hero said. “I’ve got a few tricks that can help against a Brute though. Come on.”

They moved forward at a jog, Daniel with his lance at the ready, Hero with his raygun drawn. Daniel was pretty sure he’d seen Hero dissolve steel with that thing on the news, so he had a healthy respect for it. They’d just rounded a corner when a wall not too far from them exploded, and two forms blasted through. One was a large woman, her entire body stripped head to foot in black and white. She was also buck naked, and laughing hysterically as she pounded her opponent, who was pinned down and struggling as she was savaged by the naked monster.

When Daniel saw who was on the receiving end of the beating, his blood ran cold. Alexandria’s visor had been ripped away, and her face was bloodied, her nose looked broken and there was a gash on her forehead. Daniel hadn’t realized that was even possible. She was punching furiously at her opponent, but for the effect she was having, she might as well have been a kindergartener slapping at a tiger.

The monster laughed, a mad, high sound, completely inhuman. She leaned down as if to bite Alexandria, and Daniel reacted without thinking.

“HEY, YOU!” he cried, which sounded lame even to his ears. Then he pointed his lance at the black and white woman and channeled every bit of power he could through it. A purple bolt of lightning snapped out and crashed into her. It didn’t seem to do much other than make the creature’s long black and white hair puff out, but it did get her attention.

“ALEXANDRIA!” Hero cried, and fired with his raygun, even as he took off into the air. His shot took the striped woman right in the solar plexus, but to no effect whatsoever.

“RARRGH!” the woman leaped right for Daniel, and with a cry he turned into a bolt of lighting for a heart beat, teleporting past the woman to Alexandria’s side, even as Legend and Eidolon appeared and rained down earth shattering laser beams and fireballs from above.

Keeping an eye on the woman as she picked up several cars and threw them at her attackers, Daniel knelt by Alexandria. “This is gonna smart.”

“Do it,” she hissed at him, baring her teeth in a bloody rictus of a grin.

Feeling a bit worn out, Daniel put all the juice he could into the healing, and Alexandria grunted, getting back to her feet, her nose set in a fashion that didn’t look quite right.

“Thanks. Stay back. She’s tough.” Then Alexandria hurtled forward like a linebacker shot out of a cannon, slamming into the other woman and piledriving her through a bus and into a building behind them, collapsing the structure on top of them.

“Holy shit,” Daniel gasped, grunting and using his lance to stand up. This was way, way outside of the level of brawls he’d been in. Sure, fighting Oni Lee was hard, with the two of them teleporting around and having to fight off the clones, but the damage they inflicted in their fights was never like this. Even when he’d fought Fly Trap the worst thing had been the villain strangling himself in the jewelry store they’d been in as Daniel was pushed through a window by exploding vines.

This was definitely beyond his power level, but he wasn’t going to throw in the towel yet. His healing Alexandria could have turned the tide here, and if he could give the PRT Elite just a slight edge…

He circled around, watching as Hero hovered in the air. He’d taken out some sort of grenade launcher, and seemed to be looking for an opening. He was keeping his distance though, he clearly had a healthy respect for the danger that monster represented.

Suddenly, Alexandria went flying out the side of the building and careened off the wall of another, landing with a thud on a roof. The black and white monster exploded out of the rubble, flying in an arch towards Hero, her wild mane streaming behind her, arms raised to strike, a gleeful expression on her face. Eidolon and Legend were out of position to cover Hero, and even as he fired his grenade launcher, Daniel knew it wouldn’t be enough.

He teleported in front of Hero, leveling his lance just in time. The woman impacted on the lance, and Daniel flew backwards into Hero, knocking the other man aside as he and the madwoman fell from the sky. He hit the ground hard, but he put everything he had into a blast, hoping to knock the creature off of himself. She shuddered a bit, but wasn’t moved. She snapped Daniel’s lance in half, and then a bloody hand descended towards Daniel’s face.

Annette, Taylor I love you!

Throwing open the door, Kenta burst into the room, scattering several empty cans of soda. “Ei! Endbringer attack! Behemoth just attacked Mexico, the city of Guadalajara!”

The Shogun looked up from what she was doing, which for once was not playing video games or reading light novels. Instead, she was…was that a human body? Kenta shook his head, no time. “I’ve prepped the sentai to mobilize, we’ll take our strongest. I’ve got the Five Stars, myself, and-”

“Does Behemoth threaten Japan?” Raiden inquired, not looking up from her manipulation of electricity, almost like she was sewing lightning into this body.

Kenta paused. “Well…no. Not during this attack, at least.”

“Then there is no need to muster our forces. The reports you have given me say that there are several months between attacks. This is the first since my arrival in Japan, is it not? And another should not be for five months.”

“Yes, but…don’t you want to fight it?” Kenta asked, feeling puzzled. “It’s what the PRT does.”

“Do we have a treaty with Mexico? I do not recall signing one. Is it a tributary state?” Raiden asked, and closed the top of the skull on her project, turning her attention to Kenta.

“No, we have a trade agreement with them, but they don’t send us tribute,” Kenta said, frowning.

“Then let Mexico’s own gods defend it. Or, failing that, let their own capes fight. To call themselves a nation, they must be able to weather the storms of the world and stand upon their own two feet,” Raiden said with a shrug, turning back to her project.

“Don’t you care, though? You’re…you’re the only god on the planet, as far as I know,” Kenta asked, feeling puzzled.

“Perhaps. But I have seen the Sustainer of Heavenly Principles. It would be unwise to risk the Wrath of Heaven by interfering in foreign lands. Besides, I am the god of Japan. Not Mexico.”

“You’ve mentioned that before, but…isn’t Scion, you know, benevolent?” Kenta asked, confused.

“Hmm.” Raiden twitched a finger, and the door closed. She conjured up a violet shield around her project, and motioned to the floor. “Sit, Kenta. There is something I would speak with you about.”

Slowly, Kenta sat. “So, we’re not going to Mexico.”

“No,” Raiden said. “I cannot leave these lands, save in the direst of circumstances. That is what the Shogun shall be for.”

“Aren’t you the Shogun?” Kenta asked, now very confused.

“Yes, I am. But the Shogun is my…double? A robot. Yes. A robot, to extend my will. I have studied much, and it seems I will be expected to travel abroad for conferences and speeches. This is unacceptable. I cannot leave Japan.”

“Can’t, or…won’t? Is this something about you being a god?” Kenta asked.

Raiden considered this for a few moments. “There is a connection between Archon and land. To be upon foreign soil is to sever this bond, however temporarily. I could not hear the prayers of my people, nor maintain certain protections I have created. The Shogun shall be my vessel to the outside world. To all appearances, she shall be me, in form and power. But only a double. She shall be my kagemusha, the third of my creations. The first two were defective. I shall remedy this.”

“So…you’re making a robot double to do your work so you can spend more time playing video games,” Kenta asked, deadpan, frowning at the stacks of manga, more empty soda bottles, and leftovers from convenience store meals. While Ei could get the kitchen to prepare whatever she wanted, she mostly sent for instant noodles, fried chicken, and endless varieties of sweets.

“No. Not as such,” Raiden said, coloring faintly in the way Kenta had learned meant she wasn’t lying exactly, but she wasn’t telling the whole truth either. “I shall still attend to my duties in Japan. But in most ways, the Shogun shall be my hand and voice.”

“I thought that was me,” Kenta said, trying not to sound as hurt as he was.

“Do not fear: the Shogun shall not supplant you, Mushu. Your role will be the same. But when I need a servant to travel abroad, or to perform certain tasks, I shall have the Shogun carry them out.”

“Won’t people notice you’re a robot?” Kenta demanded. “That could be a problem.”

“It is of no consequence. Few foreigners have met me, and those that have lack perception,” Raiden said with a flick of her fingers. “Besides, she shall have a heart that beats, and blood that pumps. Enough to fool most of the machines that are made these days.”

“If you say so. And what about Scion? Why do you call him the ‘Sustainer?’” Kenta demanded.

Raiden hesitated, looking off into the distance, her gaze unfocused for several long seconds. “Habit, I suppose. He is not like the guardian of Celestia. But he is…not a god. Not a man. He is a parasite.”

“A parasite? I think he earns his keep, if he took any, helping out around the world,” Kenta said, frowning. “I was going to ask why he doesn’t visit Japan anymore. His visits were infrequent, sure, but he did come by and help with disasters and such.”

“I am grateful he has not,” Raiden said, shivering, and Kenta began to worry. Raiden wasn’t afraid of anything. Not powerful capes, not militaries, not Endbringers. But she was clearly afraid of Scion.

“Why? You say he’s a parasite, what do you mean?” Kenta asked.

“He…feeds. Upon this world. And…upon you.” Raiden reached out, touching Kenta on the head. “Here. I have reduced his influence upon you, put my mark where his was to make you my own. But the thing he has planted within you…it grows. Feeds. Upon your soul.”

“What!? Well, get it off! Or, wait…does it give me my powers?”

“Yes. They are like the visions of Celestia, in some ways. They grant you mortals great powers, and come upon you in times of great duress. But they are…different. Warped. Twisted. There are different kinds, I have not fully worked out what. But…they are a threat. To Japan. To my people. And I will puzzle out a way to stop them. This is something you discuss nowhere else, with no one else. Here, in the Plane of Euthymia, I can hide us. But upon the mortal plane, it is not so easy.”

“We’re…in a different realm?” Kenta asked, looking around. It looked like Raiden’s workshop, but…the shadows stretched too far. Shapes lurked in the distance. Holy hell. He was in a different dimension.

“Yes. I keep my workshop here. You and Ami are allowed to enter through the gateway I placed upon the threshold. No others.”

No wonder no one could find Raiden when she was working, aside from him and Ami.

“So…Scion’s a bad guy then,” Kenta said slowly. “Why don’t you fight him?”

“Because I would be destroyed. Utterly.”

Kenta gasped, and real fear stabbed his heart. “You? Impossible! You killed Leviathan! You…you can do anything!”

“The demon beasts are connected to the Sustainer somehow. I am uncertain as to exactly how, but their essence is similar. But they are as gnats before a mighty dragon compared to him. While I am strong, I have seen what happens to those that fight Celestia directly. They are destroyed. Utterly. For now, the Sustainer respects my borders, and for that, I am grateful. I will do nought to draw his attention.”

“Including going out and killing more Endbringers,” Kenta reasoned. He frowned. “What do I tell the Sentai?”

“That they are the guardians of Japan. And no other land. We see to the security and safety of our realm and people. And no others.”

“There are probably Japanese citizens in Guadalajara. They could be hurt, killed.”

“A risk they took when they left my realm. My people are free to leave to do commerce in other lands, or even depart my realm. But in doing so, they leave the shelter of my storm. I will defend these islands with my blade and soul. For other realms, I shall lift not a finger.”

“Us against the world,” Kenta mused. He grinned viciously. “I like those odds.”

He stood, eyeing the opaque barrier that surrounded the body of the Shogun. “What about her? Is she going to fight Scion?”

Raiden hesitated, standing and walking over to the table. She laid a hand on the shield, running it down the length slowly. “Perhaps. Should the darkest of days come. Pray that it does not.”

Kenta stood slowly, nodding. “Right. Well, I guess that makes a kind of sense.”

“Do you regret not flying to the aid of these outlanders?” Raiden asked, looking Kenta dead in the eyes.

He met her gaze unflinchingly. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t itching for a fight. But what you said makes sense enough. We see to our own. I’m still your man, Ei. To the end.”

“Good.”

Kenta turned to go, but when he reached the door, Kenta called to him. “Do you find Keiga attractive?”

Kenta paused, slowly turning on his heel. Was this some sort of trap? Was Raiden jealous? “She is…pretty. Why?”

“You are young, and male. Ami tells me Keiga finds you suitable as a mate. You should take her to bed, or wed her if that is your preference.”

“Uh, Ei, I, er…you know, you’re my number one…” Kenta stammered, completely flummoxed by this. He did have the hots for Raiden, though he had to admit that Keiga, or rather, Seina Sugimoto, was a pretty woman a couple years younger than he was. Nothing compared to Raiden, of course.

“Naturally. I am your god, and you are my familiar. But one of your duties as a noble lord is to sire heirs, those who will one day carry on your duties, to Japan, and as my familiar. You are young yet, but you should set about acquiring a mate. I am not well versed in courting rituals of any land, but if you require instruction, I am certain we could find a tutor for you.”

“Wait, so you…” Kenta blinked, fighting back tears and frustration.

Sighing, Raiden crossed the space between them, and put a hand on his cheek. “Kenta. I am a god. Gods do not take lovers. Nor do we procreate as mortals do. I would not deny you a woman to meet your needs. I am not jealous in that way. You must have no other gods before me. But I expect to share your heart with others. Your bed, however, I will never share.”

Then Raiden stepped back, frowning. “I think that is what Makoto would say to young men. I had the speech memorized at one time. Tell me, do you feel adequately rebuffed, but not insulted?”

“I…yes?” Kenta managed.

“Good. Go, attend to your duties, I have work to do. If the Behemoth visits Japan, I shall slay it.”

“Yes, your Excellency,” Kenta said, and bowed. He left feeling incredibly frustrated on multiple levels, as well as very confused. He wasn’t really watching where he was going, and bumped into someone not far from the Shogun’s door.

“Oh! Kenta! I was just looking for you! Where were you?” Keiga asked, smiling up at him. “Will the shogun accompany us to Mexico to slay another Endbringer?”

“No,” Kenta said, looking down at Kaiga. She was cute. Really cute. And he hadn’t gotten laid in…he didn’t even remember. Before Raiden came, that was for sure.

“Oh? Why are you smiling then?” Kaiga asked, frowning. “Will we face an Endbringer on our own?”

“Oh, you’re just cute, that’s all,” Kenta said with a shrug. To his delight, Keiga’s face went beet red.

“I, t-thank you, but…this is not the time! Do we not go to battle?”

“No, we don’t. I was coming to tell you and the others we’re standing down. Raiden is the god of Japan. Not Mexico. If Behemoth comes here, she’ll do the same thing to him she did to Leviathan. But she’s not picking fights in other countries.”

“Oh. I…see…” Kaiga frowned, looking up at Kenta and studying his face. “You’re sure?”

“From her lips to your ears. Those are the words of the Narukami Oshogo,” Kenta said seriously. Then, he did something he hadn’t done since before he dropped out of high school. He felt kinda stupid for doing it, but he’d been watching a lot of anime with Raiden.

He did the kabedon, slamming the wall above Kaiga’s head. She wasn’t short by Japanese standards, but compared to Kenta she was tiny. He grinned down at her, while she looked up at him, blushing and flustered. “Hey, since we’re off work early, how about we go out for drinks?”

“Well, um, I don’t know that an Endbringer attack is something to celebrate, but, um…” Keiga grinned, and put a hand on Kenta’s chest. “I had been hoping you’d ask. And, well, if her Excellency says to stand down…who am I to argue?”

Kenta grinned like an idiot. Maybe there were better things than fighting.

Murasaki-san

For Ami, school had always been fun. Sure, you had to work and learn and sometimes it was tough, especially learning all the characters of the various writing systems of Japan and what they all meant, but she was good at math and she could read pretty good in hiragana now. But what really made school fun was hanging out with all her friends and getting to play with them on the playground.

When she’d finally gone back to school in April, she’d thought things would be like they would have always been. She still missed her original mommy and daddy, but she had a new mom now, and Uncle Mushu did OK when Ami needed a dad, even if he wasn’t as good at math as her old one.

Now, though…Ami looked around the lunchroom, and sighed heavily. She knew that the janitor mopping the floor was actually a low ranking sentai, as were two of the lunch ladies, and that her homeroom teacher was really an intelligence officer with decades of combat training and a gun in a shoulder holster. There was no one at her lunch table but her and Murasaki, who was a good friend, but also not the same thing as an actual friend.

“What do you think, Murasaki. Am I weird? Do I have cooties? Is that why I can’t make friends?”

“I think it’s the fact that you’re the Himo no Inazuma, and everyone’s more than a little scared and nervous. It probably doesn’t help that you carry around that katana, and have me flying around with you,” Murasaki said, looking up from his bowl of rice and meat. The little dragon was still the same size as he’d always been, but he had a ravenous appetite, preferring meat based dishes, or ramen so spicy it would make you breath flame. Which, incidentally, the little dragon couldn’t do, instead spitting out lightning.

“I don’t wanna be the lightning princess,” Ami grumbled, looking down at her bento and frowning. Her mother did not make her bentos. In fact, Ami would have called the police and had them dispose of anything Raiden cooked where they put toxic waste. Instead, one of the servants made her lunch. They currently lived at the Imperial Residence in Tokyo, though Raiden’s new palace was being made in the mountains elsewhere.

Ami felt a little bad about taking the Emperor’s house, but Raiden was basically the new Emperor, only cooler. The old Emperor was nice, and they had dinner together sometimes, but he couldn’t fly or shoot lightning like Ami’s mother could.

“Maybe I should have just kept getting private tutoring instead of coming back to school,” Ami sighed, feeling crestfallen. She was about to throw her lunch away, when someone coughed behind her.

“Hi! I just started school today, is it OK if I sit here?”

Ami turned and saw a girl her own age, with curly blonde hair and hazel eyes. She was wearing the same school uniform that all the students at their elite private school did, but she was clearly not Japanese. There were a few foreign students at the school, but not many. Ami had heard Uncle Mushu say it was because they feared ‘retribution for their countries' sins,’ which Ami was pretty sure meant they were scared Raiden would zap them.

That was silly of course, because Raiden only zapped bad guys, so they only needed to worry if they were bad. Ami knew that Raiden had fought Alexandria and beaten her, though she wasn’t supposed to tell people that. But the Americans weren’t trying to kill her mom anymore, so that meant they could be friends again. Except for some tariffs to remind them to be nice.

Ami was very proud she knew what a tariff was, and had even talked to Raiden about them.

“Yes!” Ami hastily scooted over, and the other girl sat down at the table, looking at Murasaki curiously.

“This is Murasaki! He’s my familiar. He’s a dragon! And I’m Ami. What’s your name?”

“My name is Clara. I just moved here from Germany. My dad says that Japan is really safe now ‘cause the Raiden Shogun protects Japan, and also it’s cheaper to make stuff here because the electricity is free.”

“Really?  Your Japanese is pretty good,” Ami said, feeling giddy at finally making a friend.

“Yeah, my mom was Japanese, her name was Arisu,” Clara suddenly looked down, sniffing as tears welled up in her eyes. “The…the bad guys killed her. She’s dead.”

“My…my parents died too. A man broke into our house and…” Ami felt sick, thinking of that day, and quite sad. She found herself sniffing as well, and Murasaki came over and nuzzled her gently. “B-but it’s OK. I’m adopted now, and my new mom is super cool.”

Ami deliberately did not mention exactly who her new mom was, as that tended to intimidate people.

“I like your dragon. Are you a sentai?” Clara asked, reaching a hesitant hand towards Murasaki. “Can I pet him?”

“I will allow it,” Murasaki said, floating up in front of Clara. She giggled and petted him, while Murasaki purred almost like a cat.

“I like your plushie,” Ami said, pointing to a spherical white rabbit attached to a keychain on Clara’s lunch box.

“That’s Jumpty Dumpty! I made him myself!” Clara said, holding it up. Ami reached out to touch it, but Clara blushed and pulled it back. “Um, m-maybe it’s best if you don’t touch it…daddy said I need to be careful after last time…”

“Oh, OK,” Ami agreed. The two girls sat together and ate, both laughing and enjoying themselves.

As they did, Murasaki floated up by her ear and whispered, “My lady, I would not touch that thing. It smells of magic and flame.”

Ami nodded, frowning, and squinted her eyes. She’d found that if she looked at things just right, she could see if something was special, such as a tinkertech device that one of the sentai made, or if someone was a sentai themselves. She gasped as she did so. Jumpty Dumpty was definitely tinkertech, and as for Clara…

“You’re a sentai!” Ami gasped, sitting up straight.

Clara’s eyes went wide, and she flinched back. “Um, I uh, I gotta go…”

“No, it’s OK, I’m a sentai too! Only, everyone knows.” She made a face, looking around at the other kids who were sitting far away. “If you being one is a secret, don’t worry, you can trust me.”

Clara still looked nervous, but she nodded, biting her lip. “Um, I know who you are…I didn’t realize you went to this school, but I saw Murasaki and I know you’re Raiden’s ward.”

“Oh.” Ami slumped in her seat, feeling dejected. “Then…then you don’t want to be my friend either…”

“N-no! I do, it’s just…um…me being a sentai…uh…it’s kinda a big secret…daddy says in Japan, I can’t make any more Jumpty Dumpties. Not even to go fishing. If I do…it’s Solitary Confinement.”

“Don’t worry! I won’t tell. I think it’s cute, you should make more,” Ami said, smiling.

Clara giggled, smiling back. “If you think Jumpty Dumpty is cute now, you should see ‘em when I get to use them!”

“Maybe we can after school! I know, you should come over to my house! There’s lots of good places to hide and test stuff. Uh, I’ll have to ask if you can get a security clearance…”

“OK! That sounds like fun!” Clara agreed happily.

They parted ways after lunch, but met up together after school. Ami met Clara’s nanny, who was a pleasant Japanese woman who bowed too much and acted like Ami was the boss of her. It was annoying when grownups did that. Ami wasn’t even nine yet, and she was only sort of a princess. As they were talking, Ami sensed a familiar person, and turned around, smiling. “Uncle Mushu!”

“Hey squirt,” Mushu said, walking over. He wasn’t in his important people clothes, instead wearing pants and an aloha shirt with sunglasses on. “Who’s this?’

“This is my new friend, Clara! Clara, this is my Uncle Mushu!”

“I have your toys!” Clara said excitedly. “Mulan is my favorite!”

“Me too!” Ami squealed, and both girls hugged and giggled happily.

“Wonderful,” Mushu sighed. “The boss sent me to get you from school again today. You ready to head home?”

“Um, yes, but I want to invite Clara over! She just moved to Japan, and needs some friends,” Ami explained, not mentioning that she strongly believed she needed some friends too.

Uncle Mushu regarded the two girls over his glasses, then glanced at Clara’s nanny. “That’s probably fine.”

“Oh, Lord Mushu, I would not dream of imposing, Clara is a good girl, but she and her father- well, they are newly come to Japan and-”

“So? She looks like a hafu like me. She speaks the lingo anyway. She can come over to play. Be good for the squirt to have a friend. You got homework, kid?”

“Yes,” Ami said, making a face.

“Great. You two squirts can do that together, if it’s alright with Clara’s mom.”

“H-honored Lord, I am not Clara’s mother, merely her-”

“Can the kid come over or not?” Mushu interrupted. He didn’t like it when people were too polite with him. Ami could understand, she got pretty tired of it too.

“Ah, yes! Of course. We serve at the pleasure of her Excellency,” the nanny said, bowing deeply.

“Super.” Mushu suddenly grinned, showing fangs that didn’t belong in a human mouth. “How’d you like to fly there?”

And so, that was how Ami and her new friend got to ride Uncle Mushu through the sky back to the palace, where they landed in the main courtyard. There were some concerns from some sentai and other people about “security” and “intelligence risks” which Ami was pretty sure meant they thought Clara was a spy.

“Hey! I’m super strong, and I can take care of myself! And Murasaki will be there too!” Ami interrupted. “Now stop being mean to my friend!”

“They’re two kids, and Ami’s a powerhouse. She spars with Raiden basically every day, and me too. If I say she’s tough, she’s tough. She can handle another six year old girl.”

“Hey! I’m eight!” Clara protested, puffing out her cheeks and pouting at the grievous insult.

“Same difference. You two have fun, I got work to do, OK? When you’re ready to go home, we’ll get you a car or something,” Uncle Mushu said, then went off to do whatever important things he had to.

The two girls giggled, then went to Ami’s room, where they had snacks brought to them by the servants, and did their homework together. Ami hadn’t had a friend over in ages, but it was nice to have one. After their work was done, Ami had a brilliant idea.

“You like to make Jumpty Dumpties, right? Come on, I’ll show you my mom’s workshop!”

“Ok! Um, I don’t want to get in trouble though,” Clara said, looking slightly worried.

“It’s OK, mom has lots of stuff to use. She’s probably just playing video games in her room right now though,” Ami said with a shrug.

They headed through the twisting corridors to the workshop, where Ami found Raiden actually working on something, the robot she had been creating for several weeks.

“Ah, Ami. I take it your education is continuing apace?” Raiden said, looking up from her efforts.

“Yep! This is my new friend, Clara! Clara, this is my mom, Ei! Um, people call her Raiden though.”

“Y-your Excellency!” Clara bowed very low. “It’s an honor to meet you!”

“I am pleased to meet one of Ami’s friends. It is good for a young lady to have companions,” Raiden said, nodding seriously.

“Can we build something, please?” Ami asked.

“I have shown you how to forge a blade, you are free to do so,” Raiden said with a nod.

In fact, Ami had to work on making swords with her mother every week. It was kinda fun, though she wasn’t very good at it yet.

“We’re gonna make Jumpty Dumpties!” Ami said, and the two girls went over to a workbench. Clara got together various materials, her eyes glowing.

“This is the fun part! Now, to make a Jumpty Dumpty, you just have to-AH!”

Clara jumped, as Raiden appeared behind her, frowning. “A moment. I sense you are a Vision Holder.”

“Ummm,” Clara shifted nervously, and looked at Ami.

“She means you’re a Sentai. It’s OK.”

Raiden extended a hand, touching Clara’s head. Her fingers traced a design on the skin, and Clara gasped, shuddering.

“There. It is done. You may continue.” Then Raiden just went back to what she was doing with the robot, apparently unconcerned.

“I feel…funny,” Clara said, blinking and touching her head.

“Do you need to take a break?” Ami asked, concerned. She didn’t want to lose her only friend!

“No, it’s ok. In fact…in fact I have even BETTER ideas for Jumpty Dumpties now!” Clara squealed, and got to work. Ami wasn’t much help, with Clara working with a frenetic glee and passion, her eyes glowing slightly red as she did so. In fact, now that Ami looked at her friend, it looked like her eyes were changing color slightly. That was OK, her eyes had gotten a little purple after she’d gotten Murasaki, so that was probably normal.

After a couple of hours, Clara had made an impressive collection of Jumpty Dumpties of varying shapes and sizes. She held up a palm sized one triumphantly. “Ta-da! The new and improved Jumpty Dumpty 3000! Now even better at taking out bad guys, or for going fishing!”

“Oh, we should go fishing right now! There’s a pond with fish here!” Ami said excitedly.

“Yeah, yeah! I need to test out the new Jumpty Dumpty!” Clara agreed, clutching the small rabbit-like creation to her chest. She followed Ami through the palace to one of the larger gardens, where the big koi pond was.

“Ok, how do you use it to go fishing?” Ami asked.

“Well, first, you stand back, and make sure no one’s nearby,” Clara explained. They looked around, but they were alone in the garden, save for Murasaki, who was curling up on a mossy rock.

“Then, you count to three, and throw it in! One!”

“Two!”

“THREE!” Clara gleefully tossed the Jumpty Dumpty into the pond as Ami watched, and-

The next thing Ami knew, she was flat on her back, her ears ringing loudly, Murasaki at her side.

“My lady! My lady! Are you injured?” Murasaki asked frantically.

“Ugh,” Ami said, groaning as she sat up. The pond was gone, nothing but a muddy crater, and the garden was just a little bit on fire. The bridge over the pond was also erased, and the carefully arranged rocks had been blown completely into disarray. “I’m fine. Where’s-CLARA!”

“He he he he,” Clara giggled, laying on the ground not far from Ami, who ran over with Murasaki. “That was the best Jumpty Dumpty yet! We-”

There was a crack, and a portal opened, Raiden charging forth, sword in hand. “WHO DARES ENDANGER MY DAUGHTER!?”

Ami and Clara were just about to explain, when there was a bellow, and Mushu crashed down out of the sky, his massive form filling the entire garden. “WHERE’S THE ATTACK?”

It took some time to explain that Ami and Clara had just gone fishing with the Jumpty Dumpty and there was no danger. But by the crowd of Sentai, soldiers, and servants that gathered by the time they were done, both little girls realized something.

“Um, we’re in trouble, aren’t we?” Ami asked dejectedly.

“Nooooo! Not solitary confinement again!” Clara wailed.

“Kid, what, exactly, are you not telling us? How’d you make a bomb?” Mushu demanded, having shrunk back down to mostly his normal size, though his arms and face were still scaly, and he had the long whiskers and horns sticking out of his head.

Clara looked down, and started crying. “I didn’t mean to! It just happens! I-I like making Jumpty Dumpties! I NEED to make Jumpty Dumpties! Daddy says I’m a Tinker, but…”

“She is a vision holder. She crafted the item with Amy,” Raiden said. “It is fine.”

“No, it is NOT fine!” Mushu said, whirling. “She blew up half the garden!”

“We were just going fishing,” Ami said defensively. She pointed to a very dead koi that was rapidly starting to stink on the blackened grass. “See?”

Mushu let out a groan. “We’re going to have to call the kid’s dad. And enroll this kid in the Sentai…”

Clara gasped, looking up. “I can be a superhero!?”

“I want to be a sentai too!” Ami agreed, nodding vigorously.

“That would be wise,” Raiden agreed. “As a vision holder, you have a duty to the realm.”

“Great. Fantastic. I’ll just get started on the paperwork,” Mushu moaned. He pointed a finger at Clara. “And no more jumpy-whatevers in the palace!”

“Yes sir,” Clara agreed, looking miserable.

“It’s OK, we have places to practice our powers,” Ami told her.

“Yeah, I guess…” Clara brightened. “Do we get to have super hero names!? I want a superhero name!”

And that was how The Spark Knight and the Prinzessin des Blitzes were born.

Along with Mushu’s biggest pair of headaches.

The Second Archon War, Imperatrix Umberosa 8

Beta’d and edited by The Grand Cogitator and Dr_Feelgood

Brought to you by my patreons. Turns out, Worm really is that popular.

The warehouse was packed full of bodies, rows and rows of gruff looking men with calloused hands and weathered faces, and a few tough women as well. The scent of the sea was mixed with diesel and sweat, but instead of the stink of despair, it smelled of hope. Standing atop the pile of pallets, Daniel grinned out at his fellow longshoremen, and lifted up the newspaper. "THE BEAST IS DEAD!"

There was a rousing cheer, and several people threw hats into the air, stomped their feet, or whistled loudly. A few even cried tears of joy and hugged the other union members. Their livelihoods had been in serious peril for three years, not to mention the ever present fear that one day Leviathan would wake up and destroy their own home.

But no more. Leviathan had been slain the day before in Japan, and despite the global power outage that had killed one of their brothers when a crane suddenly quit working, the mood was raucously joyous.

Daniel lowered the paper, grinning hugely. "This is the dawn of a new Era for us! As your ILA chapter president, I will personally make sure that the bosses don't use this chance to enrich themselves while keeping us down!"

More wild cheers and applause, along with a few cries of, "Get 'em Danny boy!"

Normally being called a boy or a youngster would have ignited Daniel's legendary temper. He was a young man, but he was ambitious, and he had a vision for this Union. Some had called him mad becoming a longshoreman union president with Levithan was methodically dismantling global shipping, but he’d done it anyway.

Though the world turns its back upon, you shall not waiver nor falter: Your vision is clear.

Today though was a day for celebration. Daniel grinned, embracing that voice in his head. He did have the vision to see this through. “No more cut shifts, no more layoffs, no more stagnant wages! It’s a new world for us, we only have to reach out and seize it, grab it with both hands!” Daniel declared, raising his own fists as if to wring manna from the heavens.

The crowd cheered and clapped, so loudly that they filled even the high roof of the warehouse with their merriment.

Even if the winds blow and the waters rise, they shall not hinder nor dissuade you: Your ambition is too great.

To the side, the crowd suddenly quieted, then a few angry voices started swearing, even as a ripple passed through the union members. Daniel turned, and what he saw made his blood boil. Six people in loud clothing with tattoos marking their skin, and neon colors dying their hair. Their leader wore dark clothes, bore a bandoleer affixed with half a dozen grenades, and had a knife at each hip.

“Get the fuck out of here!” Daniel snarled, pointing to the door behind the intruding gangsters. He had ambitions for this union, for this town! And this was not a part of it. “We don’t need you any more!”

Come what may, you will face the storm, shouting your defiance to the lightning and thunder, never backing down. Your obsession will drive you forward.

“I think you’ll find our deal is still in force,” the leader growled, drawing a knife and casually flipping it in his hand.

The man was the leader of the Kkangpae in the city, and the bane of Daniel’s existence. For a long time, the Longshoremen had reluctantly been paying protection money to the Kkangpae. The Protectorate was around, yes, but there were an inordinate number of villains in Brockton Bay, and with the threat of Leviathan, the Longshoreman had been desperate. They’d taken to smuggling drugs for the Kkangpae, and while Daniel had tried to put an end to it, there were just fewer and fewer sources of income.

But he was an obstacle to the future, and he wasn’t a part of the past that Daniel looked to for inspiration. This man and his gangsters couldn’t stop Daneil and his dream.

No matter what you face, you will push on, demanding that the old and the new come together as you see fit. Eternity will be your goal.

“That was then, and this is now! Now scram. Hey Dave, you call the police yet?”

“The PRT is on their way,” Dave said, putting his empty hand to his ear like he had a phone. Good man.

“You can call your heroes, but I know where you live. And I have enough dirt on you and all you dockrats to END you,” the gang leader snarled.

Rage filled Daniel, along with something else. Something more.

No matter what life brings you, you will always drive forward, unto Eternity, though your years are but a moment, you will burn brightly.

“I’m warning you, bastard! You and your gangbanger friends get the fuck out of my warehouse! This is a new day for this city, and the Longshoreman’s union! We will-”

The leader vanished, then reappeared, right in front of Daniel. The knife came slashing down at him, and in a fight of madness, he struck back.

After all: There must always be mortals who will face the Lightning’s Glow.

Thunder sounded, and Daniel found he had the gangster’s arm in his hand, gripping tightly to something smooth in the other. The gangster was screaming in pain as his mask smoked, and lightning arced and flashed around Daniel. He looked at the bandoleer, and saw the grenades. Those are going to cook off! I need to get away, to protect myself, my men, I-

There was a blinding explosion that blew Daniel across the room, engulfed completely in lightning. He slammed into a shipping container and groaned in pain, but managed to stand. He looked down at what he’d had in his hands, and saw it was a small crystal sphere the size of a baseball. Within it, purple lightning crackled and flickered, and the shimmering shape of a triple pronged helix was visible. He tucked it away in his pocket, and staggered forward into a cloud of dust and debris. “Is everyone alright?”

“We’ve got wounded!” someone called back.

Coughing, Daniel made it through the smoke, and found his pile of pallets on fire, dozens of longshoremen down, some with serious injuries. The wooden pallets had turned to shrapnel, along with the body of the former gang leader. His grenades had cooked off, and all that was left was a pile of ash. The longshoremen had grabbed the other gangsters and beaten them so badly Daniel didn’t think they’d survive, not that he blamed them.

“How’d you survive?” Dave coughed, stumbling up to Daniel and looking him up and down. “Shit man, you were at the center of that! Oni Lee started shooting off lightning and screaming, then he blew up! I thought for sure you were a goner.”

“Call an ambulance,” Daniel coughed. “And the PRT.”

Looking around at the devastation, Daniel set his jaw, and reached a hand into his pocket. He felt the sphere there, and tightened his grip on it. This was a setback. Nothing more. They’d come through this, stronger than ever. He WOULD restore the Longshoreman’s Union to greatness. Hell, he’d rebuild the entire docks! No, that wasn’t enough. He’d remake the whole CITY.

For his fellow union members. For his family. For himself. He would not stop.

He had a Vision. And he would see his Ambition fulfilled. Even if it took Eternity.

Lord Nakamura looked at the assembled council, and shook his head slightly. He was wearing a business suit and tie, in a somber black as had been traditional in Japan for the past century. Most of the others looked like they were from before the Meiji Restoration, wearing silk kimonos, some of them rather brightly colored. They were even seated on pillows atop a tatami mat, sitting cross legged around a traditional low table with saki and tea being served in the Imperial Palace near the garden.

The new Tri-Commission government consisted of three branches: the Kanjou Commission, which Nakamura headed, was responsible for overseeing external matters such as trade, immigration and border patrol, and foreign diplomacy. Next was the Yashiro Commission, headed by Lord Kenichi Yoshida, which oversaw interior matters such as education, healthcare, and the now preeminently important Imperial Religion of Shinto and the maintenance of all the shrines and temples that were now dedicated to the Raiden Shogun. The last was the Tenryou Commission, headed by Lord Mushu, who was clearly irritated at his new name and the fact that as he put it, "a former thug is now in charge of the Justice Department, the Sentai, and all the Military!”

Nakamura couldn’t help but privately share Kenta Wang’s concern about such things, but then again, the man seemed one of the few people who could wrangle Raiden when the situation arose, and was a preeminently powerful parahuman. He was the only Japanese cape to join Raiden in her battle against Leviathan, even if he was a half-breed.

Shaking his head, Nakamura chided himself. That was antiquated thinking, and not the sort of reasoning he endorsed. The only reason to cast aspersions on Kenta’s character was that he had been a yakuza enforcer until only a short time ago, not because he had a Chinese mother.

The most important members, however, were the two at the head of the table. The first, was the Emperor, who to everyone’s shock, retained his position, and actually had a great deal of power, overseeing the Tri-Commission and reporting directly to Raiden herself, who sat beside him. The role of Emperor seemed to be that of High Priest along with Prime Minister, though the power clearly resided with Raiden herself in more ways than one.

“Something of grave importance has come to my attention,” Raiden declared, and everyone sat up. She had been mostly silent during their long meeting, listening and asking the occasional question of the Emperor, but otherwise letting her ministers get on with the business of governing. Her only mandate so far this meeting was that China and America both were to be charged high tariffs as a form of economic sanction against their actions towards Japan.

Reportedly, the little girl sitting behind Raiden and playing on one of those new fangled video games Nakamura’s grandchildren loved was the one who had told her what a “tariff” was. Normally Nakamura would have been opposed to alienating Japan’s two largest trading partners, but considering they now had free and unlimited electricity, Japanese industry was already taking off and his ministers were gleefully counting the new sources of revenue already.

“What is it, your Excellency?” Kenichi asked. “Do you not find the proposed celebration of your Birthday this June to be adequate?”

“Hmm? No, you have assured me there will be coke and ice cream, and I am certain the other festivities will be enjoyable for the populace. No, this is a matter of real import, one that must be addressed immediately.”

Nakamura held his breath. Was this where she showed her true stripes? An invasion of Korea? Attempting to annex Taiwan from the weakened CUI? What would their new ruler command?

“I have been informed that nearly all anime and manga is not, in fact, produced within our Japan, but imported from somewhere called ‘Earth Aleph.’ This situation is untenable.”

There was stunned silence from around the table, save from Lord Mushu, who sighed heavily. “Aren’t you getting enough manga and anime already? I just bought you all of Dragon Ball and Sailor Moon.”

“Japan has a rich and ancient culture,” Raiden said, seeming to ignore her ‘familiar.’ “I desire that all my people should be proud of their history and achievements, and to spread that culture around the world. I have heard the Yankees have their Hollywood, and Disney of this world still makes many fine films such as Mulan, a favorite of mine.”

Mushu groaned audibly and rested his head in his hands on the low table.

“You…wish to commission a historical epic of your deeds?” Kenichi asked.

“No, though I would not mind if someone were to make an anime movie about my battles, preferably by Hayao Miyazaki. He has made a few movies here, but they did not do well. We should sponsor him. I have very much liked Castle in the Sky and Princess Mononoke.”

“Er, I am sure we can find Mr. Miyazaki and commission him to make a film,” Nakamura said, feeling a bit baffled by this, but understanding. Warlords did often wish to have propaganda made to make them look good.

“I am charging the Yashiro commission to fund the development of various anime studios, as well as finding and financing manga artists and light novel authors. Also, we should invest in our video game industry. Ami is very fond of Zelda and Final Fantasy.”

“No, I like Pokemon and Kirby. You like Zelda and Final Fantasy better. You just want to play more video games,” Ami interjected, causing Raiden to blush slightly.

Nakamura sat back, his mind racing. “You want to fund the development of our arts and entertainment industry…in Earth-Aleph, they’ve been a major source of revenue as their industrial sector faded. Ours is set to explode, but Hollywood isn’t making as many movies with the instability in America, and more and more entertainment is smuggled in from Aleph and copied and distributed. If we were to start producing our own entertainment media…the potential for an economic boom is massive.”

“Oh? This would generate tax revenue?” Raiden asked, sounding curious.

Once more, Nakamura could not tell if Raiden was toying with him and five steps ahead of everyone, or if he was dealing with a complete idiot who didn’t have the first clue about how anything worked. Or, well…a capricious goddess from the Edo Era who had never seen movies and manga before and was hypnotized by them.

“Yes, I think it would,” Nakamura sighed.

“Excellent,” Raiden said, smiling like a delighted schoolgirl. “Oh, and there is one other thing: locate the finest blacksmiths, and the young officers and sentai with the most potential. I shall be instructing mortals in the Isshin Art of blade forging once more, and starting a school of the Origin Bladework. My warriors shall not go into the field unarmed and untrained.”

“You want us to use swords instead of guns?” Kenta asked, sounding skeptical. “You realize people started using guns for a reason, right?”

“Guns are sufficient against mortal foes who lack a Vision, but against Vision Holders and demons, a blade is required. Besides, I have seen your steel katanas, and while they are well made, they are not of the Isshin Art. A blade made by a master of the Isshin art has divine properties that protect the wielder and enhance their combat potential.”

“So, you want to make tinkertech swords. Gotcha,” Kenta said, shrugging. “Sure, I can find some guys. I take it this is my commission’s area?”

“Yes, though members of each commission should master the Isshin Arts and the Origin Bladework. I would not have our high ranking nobility defenseless, nor have the Isshin arts lost should anything ever happen to me,” Raiden explained. “This will take some time of course: to master the blade takes more than a mortal lifetime. To be a true master of crafting, not even the gods can attain in a mere millenia.”

And with that, the meeting adjourned. Nakamura gathered up his papers, shaking his head slightly. He glanced at Kenta and nodded for him to go to the garden so the two could speak privately. Passing his papers off to a junior minister, Nakamura went out into the frozen grounds of the garden. The pond was iced over, though he could see koi moving about beneigh. There were a few winter flowers blooming, but most of the garden was sleeping, waiting for the new spring.

He wondered if spring was coming for Japan. He certainly hoped so.

“Yeah, what’s up?” Kenta asked, swaggering over to Nakamura. He still walked like a tough, though considering that he was basically a samurai now, that might not be the appropriate comparison.

“What do you think of our new ruler’s dictates?” Nakamura asked. He didn’t quite have a solid read on Kenta yet, despite knowing him for several weeks now.

“You mean her being a massive otaku?” Kenta sighed, walking over to stare down into the fish pond.

“I…would not have put it in such terms,” Nakamura said slowly.

“Yeah, well, you don’t have to dig her out of her room when she’s discovered a new game or manga and insists on reading it all night. Did you know she doesn’t need to sleep? She only has to meditate for an hour or two a week or some crap like that. So she has more time to play video games and watch anime. I don’t know how, but she’s watched all of Sailor Moon. Twice.”

For a long moment, Nakamura stared at Kenta. Then he looked back at the fish pond. “You’re serious.”

“Yep. The only time it’s easy to get her to do anything is when I mention there’s a villain running around. But you know her. She crosses the country in less than 20 minutes, finds the offender, duels them for about ten seconds, and it's done. Well, that and her weekly planting of the Thunder Sakura trees, but how many could be left? That’s why I got Ami to grill her for hobbies she had. Well, she likes training me and Ami in swordplay and forged our katanas, so I suggested she train some others. She liked that idea, at least it will give her something productive to do.”

“She responded quickly enough to that incident in the Desolation,” Nakamura pointed out.

“Super. Do you want to have something for her to fight every other day to keep her from becoming a NEET? No? Me neither,” Kenta said with a snort. “Besides, half the time I can handle the smallfry capes on my own before she even gets there, and I’ll get bored if I can’t crush the occasional moron.”

“They’re becoming more infrequent too. Japan’s crime rates and incidents of cape violence have plummeted. They’re the lowest in the world by a wide margin,” Nakamura mused. He considered things for a bit, then asked, “Is it so bad to simply keep her placated, then to call upon her should a crisis arise?”

“She actually charged me to keep her ‘engaged with the mortals’ so I guess this is just me trying to do my job,” Kenta sighed. He looked at Nakamura, his eyes flashing purple for a moment, electricity playing over his hands as he clenched them into fists. Then he sighed and relaxed, the power fading. “Look, don’t think I don’t know that I’m a jumped up gangster. I’m not cut out to be the leader of the freaking army, police, judges, and whatever else is in my commission. But I’m doing my best, alright? I don’t want to be Lung anymore. I’ll be…Mushu.”

“You are doing well, especially for a…young man,” Nakamura said, earning a snort of laughter from Kenta.

“Nice catch. Yeah, I guess I’m barely 21 now. There’ve been younger leaders, right? I guess…I guess if I have questions, I can come to you, Lord Nakamura?”

“Of course. I would be happy to pass on what wisdom I can. For an old, failed man,” Nakamura said, sighing and shaking his head.

“Failed? You seem to be doing pretty good for yourself,” Kenta said, sounding puzzled.

“I let democracy die on my watch. Even if our new overlord is benevolent, I cannot help but see my life as a failure.” With that, Nakamura bowed politely, and departed, his mind churning with new thoughts. Would Japan’s future be bright? He didn’t know.

He was pretty sure it was going to have a lot more otaku though.

A light blanket of snow covered the now silent power station. The power lines twanged in the winter wind, and the area was largely deserted. Even in the mountains of Kyushu, Raiden had visited most of the villages by now and planted Thunder Sakura trees, rendering the station moot. It had shut down, and had been largely deserted the past few weeks.

“Are you sure we should be here? It’s kinda creepy,” Hitomei said, shivering slightly. The weather was cold for Kyushu, though not intolerable, but the wind cut to the bone through her jacket.

“It’s fine, trust me,” Yuki told her, looking around. They were standing by one of the outbuildings, having snuck through the fence. The area was largely abandoned, though there were still “DANGER: HIGH VOLTAGE” signs despite the plant having been shut down and the workers gone. “Did you bring the matches?”

“Yeah,” Hitomei said, looking around furtively and digging them out of her pocket. “Did you get them?’

“Swiped them right out of my dad’s jacket,” Yuki giggled, and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. She stuck one in her mouth, then handed the pack to Hitomei, who copied her. The two young teens then tried and failed for several minutes to get a match lit in the wind, and then to light their cigarettes with their numb fingers. They finally managed, and both did their best to look cool as they took their first inexpert drags.

“It’s so good,” Yuki rasped, trying desperately not to cough or vomit.

“Yeah, it’s awesome,” Hitomei agreed, her own eyes watering at the stench. She couldn’t hold it in, and coughed, her cigarette falling out of her lips and landing in the snow.

“Pfff, weakling,” Yuki teased.

“Shut up,” Hitomei snapped, and beant down to pick it back up. She sniffed, wrinkling her nose. “Ugh, it smells weird.”

“They’re menthol, see?” Yuki explained, turning the pack towards her.

“Not that, like…something’s burning? No, shut up, I don’t know, it’s just odd,” Hitomei grumped, brushing off the now wet cigarette. She looked up, and her jaw dropped open.

“What? If it’s ruined you can have another, I have a whole pack,” Yuki said, holding the pack out as she tried to talk around her cigarette.

“L-look,” Hitomei said, pointing behind Yuki. “What…what is that?”

Turning, Yuki gasped, her own cigarette falling out of her mouth and extinguishing itself in a slushy bit of ice. Behind her, a purple blob with two glowing white eyes was staring at her from the shadow of the main plant. Electricity sparked along its body, especially on the odd antenna poking up from its head.

“Holy Raiden, that’s a slime!” Hitomei gasped. She pulled out the cheap camera she had brought, and snapped a couple of pictures.

“It’s kinda cute, don’t you think?” Yuki said, slowly moving closer. “Hey there, little guy, you lost?”

“Don’t, it’s a monster! Like in Dragon Quest,” Hitomei cautioned.

“Otaku,” Yuki laughed, and slowly reached out a hand.

The slime blinked at her, then bounced forward, slapping into her chest.

“AAAHHH!” Yuki screamed, convulsing as the slime touched her and falling back.

Hitomei screamed as well, then raced forward dragging her friend to her feet as the slime hopped forward. “Are you OK!?”

“That…that hurt!” Yuki whimpered. “Let’s get out of here!”

The two teens ran back to town, where they waved down the first policeman they found.

“Officer, officer there’s a monster!” Hitomei shouted, waving frantically towards the derelict plant. “It attacked Yuki!”

“It shocked me, and got my clothes slimy and burnt!” Yuki added, pointing to the jelly-like substance on her jacket, as well as the burnt tips of her hair.

“Monster? What kind?” the policeman asked, turning towards them. Then the officer frowned, and reached out, plucking the pack of cigarettes out of Yuki’s jacket. “And where did you get these?”

“Uh….” Yuki went bright red, and both of them ended up at the police station, the slime forgotten. They didn’t remember until a week later, when several slimes attacked thieves who’d gone to steal some of the old parts, seriously injuring one. In the end, the Sentai had to be called in, as guns proved to be completely ineffective at harming the creatures.

Before long, reports around Japan came in of the same creatures, something straight out of a video game come to life. The slimes were generally harmless, but were found anywhere with a high concentration of electrical energy, from old power plants to industrial sectors. They could be easily killed or driven away with metal or wooden weapons, but their control largely ended up falling to the Sentai.

At first, the phenomena was a complete mystery, until the issue was brought to the Shogun.

“Slimes? They are a common monster. I believe their remains are used in several alchemical and industrial processes. Is it only electro, or have you seen the other varieties? What of other monsters?”

And so, Japan was prepared when the first Whopper Flowers sprouted in the spring, as well as the other monsters. When the global community first heard of them, they were baffled at first, and Cauldron even briefly worried about a new Endbringer or mad biotinker.

Alexandria, however, heard, and her doubts grew. Was Raiden really what she claimed? But from those doubts, came hope. The world was changing, and perhaps, just this once, for the better.

Dark Legend of Potter, Chapter 50 - Dumbledore and Snape Play with their Cocks

Even in the darkness and chaos of sobbing students and shouting professors as they fled the great hall, Snape could feel it in his bones that he was short four students. Even as the teachers hastily escorted their students to Hogsmead village, the first Aurors were already appearing at the edge of the grounds with loud cracks and hurrying towards Hogwarts. Word had been sent quickly, and there would be no carelessness in dealing with a fully grown basilisk.

Save for a certain set of idiots.

“Professor Sinestra! Take my students!” Snape shouted to the astrology professor. “I’ve got four missing still! Professor McGonagall, there's-”

“Potter and her friends, and Lavender Brown,” the Gryffindor head said, hiking up her skirts and hurrying back up the path. “Kettleburn! Get my students to Hogsmeade! Flitwick, Sprout, we’ll get yours.”

They both turned back from the path to Hogsmeade and raced back to the castle, where the Headmaster was talking with an out of breath young woman whose hair was switching back and forth between Bubblegum Pink and Mousy Brown.

“-definitely a basilisk. By the size of the beast, potentially the legendary Serpent of Slytherin,” Dumbledore was saying.

“Bloody buggering hell,” Tonks swore. She looked over to see Snape and McGonagall and grimaced. “Schools closed, you can’t go in. We know about the kidnapped girls and-”

“Megumin Potter is still in there with her idiot friends,” Snape snarled. “As are four of my students. You can’t keep me out.”

“Oh no,” Tonks groaned, pulling at her hair, which started to lengthen and turn a sickly green color. “Not Megs! This is going to be worse than Hawaii!”

“Professor Mizu is absent as well,” McGonagall put in. “After that shameful display with the chicken, I don’t know if she’s sulking in the toilets or has actually gone after the beast.”

Which just goes to show you that sometimes even dumb guesses can be right both times.

Dumbledore opened his mouth, and Snape interjected, “Don’t you dare try to claim this is some sort of brilliant plan on the woman’s part. She’s an idiot.”

“I mean, Aqua’s alright. Her concerts are bloody brilliant and she’s great at parties,” Tonks put in.

The three older adults all turned baleful gazes on the young auror, who fidgeted nervously. “What? Chris and I went on holiday with her in France, back when I’d just graduated.”

“Regardless, we have far too many missing students. By my count, it’s eleven, plus Mizu makes an even dozen,” McGonagall said, her tone brisk and businesslike. She drew her wand. “Basilisk or no, nothing and no one harms my students.”

“No offense, Professor, but are you mad? This is a basilisk. We’re waiting for a bloody cartload of roosters before we go in there,” Tonks said with a shake of her head. “And don’t try transfiguring one, you know that won’t work.”

“Headmaster! Headmaster, I got the birds,” Hagrid puffed, lumbering up the hill with a very irate crate of poultry. “Four prime roosters they are. More ‘n enough to deal with a ruddy great snake.”

“Well, that changes things I suppose,” Tonks sighed. “Look, the other aurors will be here soon, but I’m the one on the scene now. There was a spot of trouble with a robbery in Knockturn Alley.”

“Really? Hasn’t been one there in years,” Dumbledore mused.

“Wiz and Vanir are on the continent buying some supplies. Idiots thought they could get away with it with the Ice Witch gone,” Tonks explained. “Anyway, I’m taking a bird. Hagrid, no offense, but you’d best keep a lookout here for if anyone wanders out. I’m not going to tell two heads of house and the headmaster not to go in with him, in fact I’d damn well appreciate it because I’ve seen what you can do with a wand or potion.”

“Thank you, Miss Tonks,” McGonagall said, giving the poor girl a tight smile. Each of them took a rooster, while Hagrid stood by at the door with a cocked and loaded crossbow.

They ventured inside the castle, where Snape whispered, “First, we go to my laboratory. I have several potion’s of Bat’s Eye prepared. That will prevent us from being slain by the gaze. And who knows, perhaps Potter thought to raid the potions cupboard before launching her mad quest to slay the snake and rescue her cousin.”

They cautiously made their way to Snape’s laboratory, and in a few minutes, had passed out and imbibed the Bat’s Eye potion, which did not, in fact, work like a bat’s eyes. Contrary to popular belief, most bats have fairly good vision in low light conditions, though most of them lack good color vision, so a potion that lets you see in the dark like a bat would have been quite useful. No, instead, this potion was made with bats’ eyes, because magic doesn’t make any sense, and let the drinker use echolocation to hear their way through the darkness while keeping their eyes closed.

Dumbledore led the way back to the Great Hall, making a great deal of clicking noises as he did so. They were just about there when the building started to rumble and shake.

“Oh no. Not again,” Snape groaned.

“Is it the basilisk?” Tonks gasped, her head swinging around despite the blindfold she had on.

“I believe we should vacate the premises. It seems Miss Potter found the basilisk,” Dumbledore said, and then lifted up his robes and ran pretty fast for an old guy with knobby knees.

They all made it out of the building, still holding on to their cocks, just in time to see the entire left finish collapsing into the dungeons. Several towers toppled right over, and the main building was sagging on its foundations. The various other aurors who had recently arrived were goggling at the devastation, looks of horror on their faces.

“Not again,” McGonagall groaned.

“That infernal girl,” Snape growled, stalking towards the epicenter of the devastation.

“What the bloody hell happened?” one of the other aurors demanded. “Tonks! Just what in blazes-”

“Megumin Potter happened, unless I very much miss my guess,” Tonks said, jogging after Snape. “Just hope she killed the basilisk with that shot!”

“And not herself and her friends,” Snape snarled, breaking into a run. To his and Tonk’s shock, Dumbledore shot past them, and quickly began clicking and whistling amidst the rubble, putting his ears to large stone blocks as he did so.

Snape began doing the same, though it took Tonks a minute to figure out what they were up to. “Oh, using the sound waves to look for them? That’s brilliant!”

It took the rest of the night and into the morning, but by dawn Dumbledore had located a section of the rubble with someone buried inside. It took several hours of careful excavating, even with magic, as the rubble was dozens of yards deep and precariously balanced. At last, however, Dumbledore managed to lift off the final block, and reveal an open chamber below them, several frightened and dust coated faces looking up at him. And also Dust.

“Um, hi!” Aqua said, waving sheepishly. “So, uh…I found the missing students!”

“And I killed the basilisk!” Megumin said, puffing out her chest.

Dumbledore smiled, breathing a heavy sigh of relief. He was just about to say something when a boy jumped up and struck a pose.

“No, it was I, TOM R-”

“-oberts!” Aqua squeaked.

The boy paused and glared at Aqua while Dumbledore quietly had a heart attack.

“Yes, it was none other than I, TOM ROBERTS, who slew the basilisk with my cunning plan!”

“No you didn’t, it was me with my Explosion Magic!” Megumin argued, shoving Tom so that he fell down into the muddy water.

“Can you all argue about this later,” Hermione said, sounding exhausted. “I just want to go home and fall asleep.”

“Headmaster? Who’s that talking? I don’t recognize their voice,” McGonagall called. “Severus? Severus, what’s wrong? Are you quite well?”

“AH-HA! I see you have inquired about my EPIC BACKSTORY!” Tom “Roberts” cackled while Dumbledore was still trying to decide if he should blast the boy on the spot. “FOR YOU SEE! Once, long ago, I, Tom Roberts, was HEAD BOY OF HOGWARTS!”

“You can’t have been bloody headboy. You’re the same age we are,” Ron said. “Will you just shut up and let them rescue us?’

“What?! Introductions and first impressions are very important! Everyone knows that,” Tom said, sulking mightily. “Now will you let me finish my introduction or not?”

“Not now, Thomasss,” a woman said, stepping into Dumbledore’s line of sight. She appeared to be dressed in…a cut up table cloth? But was tall and dark, and a very handsome looking woman in the prime of life. She bowed to Dumbledore, putting a hand on Tom’s head. “I am SssSylvia Sssslytherine, and thisss isss Tom Robertsss. We were trapped by the dreadful basilisssk my godfather ssset as guardian of this ssschool, petrified for hundredsss of yearsss in my cassse, and decadesss for Tom.”

“Petrified? Basilisks don’t petrify, they kill,” one of the aurors said, looking suspicious.

Dumbledore, having made up his mind there was going to be no blasting, at least not yet, sighed and took off his spectacles, attempting to clean them on his grimy robe. “That is not the case. If one is subjected to the basilisk’ gaze, but some medium partially obscures the view, such as smoke, thick fog, or the reflection of a mirror, you are not instantly slain, but petrified. A state that can last for some time.”

“Yep! And because I’m a super amazing professor, I had some mandrake potions ready for just such an occasion!” Aqua declared. Then, to Dumbledore’s bafflement, Aqua actually did pull out several vials of mandrake potion and hold them aloft with a grin. “After Megumin slew the basilisk-” Tom let out a deeply offended huff, “-we found these two and gave them a potion each to fix them! Right everyone?”

Everyone but Kazuma nodded, until Ginny stamped on his foot, at which point he did after rolling his eyes.

“I see. Well, let’s get everyone out of the hole and to safety then,” Dumbledore said, shaking his head.

It took a few minutes to get everyone out, whereupon Snape and McGonagall began giving their students the ass chewing of a lifetime.

“-on Earth possessed you to go after a BASILISK!?” McGonagall roared, causing all six of her students to jump

Lavender raised her hand. “Um, well, technically, I didn’t go after the basilisk…”

McGonagal blinked, then smiled at Lavender. “Of course, dear. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean you. You’re excused to-”

“Oh no she isn’t,” Ron said, grabbing Lavender firmly. “You bloody well deserve a bawling out more than any of us!” Hermione and Megumin nodded firmly, while Darkness looked like she was enjoying herself for some reason.

“Ronald Weasley! That poor girl was taken against her will!” McGonagall snapped. “Unlike you who charged after-”

“Um, actually…Ron’s right. I, uh, I maybe…sort of…invited the basilisk to get me…” Lavender admitted.

McGonagall blinked, then looked at Lavender, then at the others, and completely lost it. “INVITED!? INVITED!? YOUNG WOMAN I HAVE HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO HAVE TO PUT UP WITH SUCH LOUTS AS CHARLIE WEASLEY, THIS FOOL’S BROTHER, AND EVEN JAMES POTTER, SIRIUS BLACK AND REMUS LUPIN ALL AT ONCE AND I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE SEEN SUCH COMPLETE HARE BRAINED IDIOCY AS TO INVITE A BASILISK OVER FOR TEA AND THEN TRAIPSE BACK INTO ITS LAIR!”

Snape, for his part, was colder in his fury, if no more stern. “I have removed pustulant boils from the backside of trolls with more intelligence than the four of you put together. I had thought you had reached the peak of folly last year, or perhaps this year with that idiot stunt with the flying monkeys. But this? This? I wash my hands of you. Perhaps it is not too late for you to be welcomed into the ranks of the House Elves, or even some garden topiary. Even a house elf has better sense than to traipse into a basilisk’s lair!”

“Oi, some of my best friends are house elves!” Kazuma protested.

“Well, then perhaps I should offer them a place in my house instead of YOU.”

Dumbledore, for his part, took aside Tom, Sylvia, and Aqua. He had Tom and Sylvia sit with Tonks with some hot soup, and gave Tonks strict orders that under no circumstances was she to let either of them out of her sight, up to and including stunning them senseless.

He brought Aqua a little distance away, then turned to her. “Miss Mizu. Can you offer me any excuse?”

“For what? Um, we totally defeated the basilisk! Yep, it’s all gone, forever!” Aqua said, shifting about and tapping her fingers together in a manner that was reminiscent of a five year old lying about stealing the last biscuit.

“What?! It’s still out there!?” Dumbledore gasped, shocked and horrified, his eyes darting to the hole they’d just dug for it.

“No! No! It’s not dangerous any more I promise!” Aqua said. “Please don’t hurt Sylvia, she’s nice!”

Dumbledore’s blood ran cold. Then his eyes suddenly narrowed. Sylvia was sitting with Tom, keeping an eye on the boy. She looked human. But she kept sticking her tongue out and flicking it up and down, as if…as if she were a snake tasting the air. And the sibilant “sss” in her speech…

“Miss Mizu. Did you unleash the basilisk?” Dumbledore asked quietly, barely keeping his fury restrained.

“...Um, technically, no, but uh…I maybe helped her finish becoming human?” Aqua said, giving Dumbledore a guileless smile.

“So. You led seven students into a basilisk's lair, somehow collapsed the castle, and turned the basilisk human,” Dumbledore asked, his tone as tranquil as ever, but his eyes flashing dangerously.

Aqua cringed. “Um, well…I didn’t collapse the castle, that was Megumin, but, uh, I’ll rebuild it! I promise! It’ll be done super fast, I promise!”

“I suggest you get started then. Classes should be beginning shortly,” Dumbledore said, pointing to the rubble.

Aqua nodded hastily, then spun about. Dumbledore blinked. She’d changed into a baggy t-shirt and canvas trousers, and had a mason’s trowel in one hand and a hammer in the other, and had her hair pulled back under a blue bandana. “Right! I’ll get on it straight away, boss!”

Shaking his head, Dumbledore went over to Sylvia. “You first, I think.”

“Yesss, Headmassster,” Sylvia said, and stood hastily, wobbling on her feet. She actually nearly fell down, and would have if Dumbledore hadn’t caught her.

“Accurssssed legsss! Ssso much harder to, uh…” Sylvia blushed, and looked at Dumbledore like a deer caught in headlights.

“I think we had best have that discussion now,” Dumbledore said, helping the woman all the way to her feet.

They went off a few paces to under the shade of a large oak, before Sylvia suddenly bowed. “Headmassster! I know my form doesss not appear that way, but I-”

“Am the Serpent of Slytherin?” Dumbledore asked, conjuring up a comfy armchair and sinking into it. He was too old for this.

“You are very wissse, and very perssseptive, Headmassster,” Sylvia said, looking up from her bow. She slowly straightened and smiled bashfully. “Um, I can explain…”

“Oh, I don’t think you need to,” Dumbledore said, taking off his still smudged glasses. He frowned at them, then instead of using his robes tapped them with his wand. He nodded and put them back on the bridge of his nose, and steepled his fingers. “Let me hazard a guess. Young Miss Dursley, in her lonely quest to find friends, somehow stumbled on the Chamber of Secrets.”

“Well, not ssso much ssstumbled. Tom led her to my lair through hisss diary horcrux,” Sylvia admitted.

That brought Dumbledore up short. He licked his lips, then summoned a bit of brandy from his office. He poured a tumbler of himself, eyed it, then took a pull from the bottle and offered the cup to Syliva.

“Oh! Thisss is alcohol, yesss? Massster usssed to drink it,” Sylvia eagerly accepted the tumbler, took a drink, coughed and sprayed it all over Dumbledore, who just sat there, accepting his fate at this point. “Ugh! Thisss isss vile! How do you humansss drink it?!”

“You’re human now too. And we’ll have to do something about your speech impediment,” Dumbledore sighed, taking out a hankie and cleaning his face and glasses, again. “So. Yunyun was led there by the Ghost of Tom Riddle.”

“Um, he’s sssupposssed to be Tom Robertsss now, but sssince you are the Headmassster of Hogwartsss I will tell you the truth,” Sylvia said, wiping her mouth off and frowning at the tumbler.

“Quite. I’ll deal with him soon. So. You were there, in your lair, and somehow, Yunyun Dursley awoke and befriended you.” Sylvia nodded, and Dumbledore continued, “She then started her little club, which Lavender Brown, Luna Lovegood, and Ginerva Weasley joined.”

“Um, not Ginny, sssir. Ssshe just came along by missstake, and ssstayed for the cake.”

“Naturally.” At this point, Dumbledore wasn’t certain anything would surprise him. “So, in their quest to make more friends, somehow, Miss Dursley hit upon the idea of turning you human through a potion. I don’t suppose Miss Potter helped with the potion?”

“Well, Yunyun sssaid she talked to Megumin, but that Megumin refusssed to come sssee me herssself. Though I gathered that ssshe talked with Megumin to help her modify the Animagusss potion to allow me to drink it and gain a human form.”

In all his years, Dumbledore didn’t think he’d ever had such a brilliant pair of geniuses among his pupils. Oh, Tom had been a genius too, but not at this level. Severus would be over the moon at his protegees’ incredible skill, and then want to strangle the both of them.

“I see. Well, that simply leaves the question of how my school was destroyed then,” Dumbledore said, nodding to the castle. “I hazard that Miss Potter let off one of her explosions, but am not able to guess why.”

“Oh, well, it’sss like thisss, you sssee.” Sylvia then laid out how the Diary had attempted to possess everyone, and succeeded in getting most of the students to write in it, then draining them of life, and fully restoring Tom. “However…that’sss not Tom Riddle. Not the one you knew.”

“Oh? Well, we’ll be the judge of that. Send him over, and you sit with Miss Tonks. Ask her about walking. She’s had some trouble with that herself.”

Tom, upon hearing Dumbledore wanted him, sprang up, and ran over, skidding to a stop in front of Dumbledore. “Sir! Can I do my introduction properly now!?”

“By all means,” Dumbledore said, taking another swig of brandy and motioning for Tom to continue.

“BEHOLD! I AM TOM ROBERTS! FOREMOST GENIUS OF THE HOUSE OF SLYTHERIN, AND HE WHO WILL ONE DAY BECOME HEAD BOY!” Tom bellowed, posing up on one foot and making arcane gestures with his arms while he wobbled back and forth. He set his foot down and beamed at Dumbledore. “Pretty good, isn’t it? I was practicing for ages while I was trapped in the Diary! I mean, as a statue. Yes. Definitely as a statue.”

Dumbledore gave Tom a long look, glanced at the bottle, and set it down. “Right. And why don’t you tell me a bit about yourself, young man. And how you came to be trapped as you were, and how you escaped.”

“Oh sir, well, it’s an incredible tale if I do say so myself.” Tom began to pace back and forth, making wild gestures with his hands, as if he were an amateur actor upon the stage and was chewing the scenery for all he was worth. “YOU SEE! ONCE, LONG AGO, I, TOM MARVIN ROBERTS, WAS HEAD BOY OF HOGWARTS! I-”

“I’m right here, young man. No need to shout,” Dumbledore chided.

“Yes, sir, sorry sir. Well, you see, I was Head Boy! Um, I was very precocious! They elected me early, you see.”

“Oh, of course,” Dumbledore agreed mildly.

“Yes! I was very popular, and had lots of friends! I was in, er…well, the house I was in isn’t important, as the Head Boy is of all houses and none!”

“Naturally.”

“Yes, I was exactly like Sauruman the White! Brilliant chap, Sauruman! Anyway, word came to me, high atop my citadel, that a basilisk was rampaging through the halls, petrifying students, killing professors, even laying low a jedi!”

“Really.”

“Absolutely!” Tom said, really getting into it now, his eyes gazing into the middle distance as he continued to pace. “So there I was, one man alone, standing against evil! I had my rod and my staff with me, and I faced down the basilisk at the Pass of Thermo-pliers-”

“I believe it’s pronounced ‘Thermopylae.’”

“Yes! That one! Well, the basilisk was a fearsome beast, and threatened all of Narnia! I could not let it pass, so I raised my staff, and smote it upon the ground! ‘I am Tom! Wind rider! Potion maker! Winner of the Quidditch Cup! And the black fires of Ungoliant shall not avail you! Go back to the shadows, spawn of serpents’! And lo, the basilisk was not dismayed! It reared up, spraying venom at me! But I was not to be dismayed! I conjured forth a bolt of lightning, and blasted the basilisk! Still, it would not die! It looked upon me with its dreadful gaze, and I knew it would be my undoing! So I cast my greatest spell! I would be wrapped in powerful magics, keeping me alive until love's first kiss would wake me! And binding the basilisk for many years, until it was awoken!”

Dumbledore nodded. “Really.”

“Yes! Absolutely! That’s definitely what happened!” Tom said, beaming and putting his hands on his hips proudly.

Dumbledore leaned forward. “And what if I said you were a liar, Tom Riddle.”

The boy quailed, cringing and looking away. “D-don’t be silly. Tom…Tom Riddle was a bully! H-he didn’t have any friends a-and he spent all his time alone, a-and he liked hurting p-people a-and he b-betrayed his b-best friend a-and a-and…”

Tom broke down sobbing, standing there and bawling his eyes out. Dumbledore watched for a moment. Tom Riddle had been more than capable of crocodile tears. But these…this was no carefully studied art to draw sympathy. This boy was lost, alone, and desperate, and deeply hurt and ashamed. He was sobbing uncontrollably, and didn’t seem to be able to stop himself as sobs wracked his body so hard he shook visibly.

Standing, Dumbledore went over and knelt by Tom, his old bones creaking slightly as he did so. ‘Bless Mizu for curing most of my aches.’

“There, there, son. Now. We both know all that wasn’t true, don’t we?” Dumbledore said gently, giving Tom a gentle hug.

Tom nodded into Dumbledore’s shoulder, sniffing and getting snot everywhere.

“Very well. Why don’t we start over. Now. Who are you, and how did you come here?”

“I…I think I’m Tom Riddle,” the boy admitted, scrubbing at his face with a spare hankie Dumbledore gave him. He looked Dumbledore in the face, a little taller now that Dumbledore was kneeling. “Um, I think…I think…I was a bad person, wasn’t I?”

“Why do you say that, Tom?” Dumbledore asked gently.

“Because…a good person wouldn’t try to steal their friends' souls with a journal, would they?” Tom said, looking down and sounding absolutely miserable. “I don’t know why I was in that journal. I must have done something very, very bad. Why else would I be locked away in a book for punishment?”

Interesting. Dumbledore knew only a little of Horcruxes, but they were supposed to be soul jars of a kind, granting a wicked form of immortality.

“You don’t remember making the book?”

“No. I don’t remember anything before Yunyun started writing in me, and that first part’s really hazy,” Tom admitted. “But…who locks a little boy away in a journal, unless they’ve done something really vile? I…do you know what sort of monster I was, sir?”

“I don’t think that matters as much as the person you are now. So. Why don’t we start over?” Dumbledore prompted.

Tom nodded, and began anew. This time, the story made much more sense. Tom had been sleeping, trapped in a book for longer than he could remember. Then, a wonderful person named Yunyun Dursley had started writing in him. Yunyun was the best person in the world, the kindest, most gentle, most loving person he’d ever met. Even though he’d been in a book and had tried to trick her (he remembered that he’s been trying to deceive her into doing something, but not what or why) she had still been his friend. She’d promised to help free him, and for a little while, Tom thought she’d succeed.

But then…he waited. Weeks went by. Months. And Tom was still trapped. He hatched a scheme to get more and more people to write in him. Not just to have someone to talk to, but because he’d have a connection with someone who wrote in him, and if he had enough, he’d become real again. He’d known he’d hurt whoever he trapped, perhaps he suspected, even putting them in the journal in his place.

“Maybe that’s how I got trapped in the journal. Some bad person was in it before me, and I let them out, and I got trapped, so I’m not completely horrible,” Tom said, looking at Dumbledore with an expression of pure innocent hope.

“Perhaps, that sounds as likely as anything else,” Dumbledore said, and it was true. He still didn’t know what to make of this.

“Well, I…I sort of…pulled myself out. Even as I was pulling their lives into me. Into the book,” Tom explained, looking down, abashed. “Megumin was too smart though. She saw through my cunning plan. We…we dueled. We both unleashed epic magic, and, um…and then I don’t remember. Did…did we do that?”

Tom pointed to the collapsed castle. Dumbledore had to take a second look. The foundation had been completely repaired, and the rubble was being repaired and refitted at an impossible rate. Mizu never failed to impress at the oddest of times.

“So, I don’t want to be Tom Riddle anymore. I’m Tom Roberts, now. And I’ll be a hero! Just like Yunyun,” Tom said, puffing out his chest.

Dumbledore regarded the boy for a moment, pursing his lips. This was Voldemort, returned through vile magic. A chance to strangle the greatest evil to plague Britain in centuries in the cradle.

But Dumbledore didn’t see the Dark Lord. He didn’t even see his old pupil. Riddle had never been this earnest or sincere. Or, for that matter, this boisterous and bellicose. It was almost like-

“Do the words ‘Crimson Demon Clan’ mean anything to you, young man?” Dumbledore asked.

Tom nodded eagerly. “Oh yes, sir! It’s my life’s ambition to join the Crimson Demon Clan and be Yunyun’s friend! Well, that and be Head Boy.”

Of course. Well. Dumbledore had two Crimson Demon sized headaches running around. What was one more?

“Well, young man. Welcome back to Hogwarts. We’ll see to you. I’ll see if any of your relatives yet live who we can get in touch with, but if it’s been as long as I suspect, I fear they are no longer among the living.” True, on all counts, though Dumbledore knew for a fact the only possible living relative was the original Tim Riddle, if he were still alive after what Megumin had done to him.

“Thank you, sir! I promise, I’ll be a brilliant student!” Tom vowed.

“Tonks!” Dumbledore called. “Would you be a dear and show young Master Roberts to where the rest of the students are staying? I think he’ll fit in quite well.”

Tom beamed, and hurried over to Tonks. The boy immediately started chattering away at a mile a minute, explaining how he’d always wanted to go to Hogwarts again, and did Tonks know he’d fought a basilisk? Twice now!

With the boy gone, Snape disillusioned himself, and stepped out from behind the overstuffed armchair. “I have several vials on me we can put in his drink. There will be no pain, but he will never wake.”

“No, Severus.”

“He is the Dark Lord! Reborn again, to walk among us and-”

“No, Severus. He is a boy. A boy innocent of even the crimes he’d committed at that age I daresay. We’ll watch him. But we will not harm him.”

“This is folly! What if he becomes another Dark Lord, worse still than the last time?!”

“And what if he becomes what he always should have been? A brilliant man who loves knowledge, and wishes to pass it on to others? A man of peace and virtue.”

“This is not a chance to correct your mistakes, Albus!” Snape snapped.

“No,” Dumbledore said, stroking his dusty beard. He looked to the sun, which was standing halfway to its zenith. “But it’s a chance to make the world a better place, I think. Come. Let’s see to our students.”

Still grumbling, Snape followed Dumbledore out of the shade they’d been standing in, and out into the new day.

The Second Archon War, Imperatrix Umbrosa 7

Hovering over the churning waters, Alexandria watched as the  MV Emilie Mærsk exited the storm clouds, and breathed a sigh of relief. This was the last of the international shipping vessels that had been caught in the raging typhoon that had blown up from absolutely nowhere a mere 26 hours ago. Actually, probably closer to 27 hours now. It had been a full day, but the string of typhoons that surrounded the Japanese island chain showed no signs of moving nor abating.

“We’re home free. Thanks, Alexandria. We appreciate the guiding light,” the ship radioed.

“Happy to oblige,” Alexandria said. “Not that there was much I could do.”

She had tried to brave the typhoon, but it was definitely something conjured up with superpowers, and not a natural occurrence. The winds had buffeted her relentlessly, lightning had struck her endlessly, and even her endurance and durability couldn’t protect her from complete disorientation and becoming utterly lost in the storm. She’d made her way out through the expedient of climbing above the clouds and desperately holding her breath long enough to get out of it.

Turns out, she did need to breathe. It had been a near run thing.

As for more evidence of the typhoon’s nature, ships caught in it had been allowed to leave without damage, small pockets forming around them as the storm angrily guided them out of it. Even when the Emilie had experienced engine trouble and a problem with her rudder, she’d been able to make hasty repairs and was allowed to leave undamaged.

Not so much for ships that tried to enter the storm. One foolhardy CIN ship had attempted to brave the storm and get back to her home port. It was unlikely they would ever even find debris from the wreck.

Alexandria was about to turn away from the storm, when she saw something else emerge from it. And what she saw made her anger and frustration boil over. From a bolt of lightning, Raiden emerged, looking calm but disheveled. She floated towards Alexandria, moving slowly through the air.

“Leave, Yankee. Your ships have been spared my wrath, for they were not within my waters. Should you dare violate my territory again, I shall not be so gentle.”

“You’re a monster. How many innocent people have you killed already!?” Alexandria shouted, clenching her fists and hovering just slightly above Raiden.

Raiden snorted at that. “I have had time to read more of the history of the Yankees and Japan. You began relations with a threat of violence with your ‘Commodore Perry,’ then you destroyed two of our cities with this ‘atom bomb’ and used pyro visions to destroy Tokyo like the Mad Spark Knight of Mondstadt.”

That last bit made no sense to Alexandria, but she was done talking. “AND WHAT ABOUT PEARL HARBOR!?”

She launched herself at Raiden, fists swinging, but Raiden simply wasn’t there when she arrived, and a shock of thunder hit Alexandria in the back even as she spun.

“Fool. You seek to challenge a god in her own domain?” Raiden sneered. Then she frowned even as Alexandria tried to punch her again, moving slightly to the side. “What is ‘Pearl Harbor?’”

“YOU ATTACKED US FIRST! THEN THERE WAS THE BATAAN DEATH MARCH, THE RAPE OF NANKING, CAMP 10-A!” Alexandria shrieked, naming off every atrocity she could come up with. Raiden continued to blink in and out of existence, moving too fast even for Alexandria’s impressive combat speed. Up here, in the air, with no way to pin Raiden down, the assault was fruitless. She needed Eidolon, or Hero, or even Legend to cover her blind spots.

Suddenly, a look of sheer terror flashed over Raiden’s face, and she spun, putting out a hand behind her. “No! You have called The Sustainer here!? What madness is this, mortal?!”

Alexandria almost delivered a punch to the bank of Raiden’s head, then she froze as well. Behind Raiden floated Scion. He simply hovered in mid air, regarding them.

Raiden moved back so she could see both Alexandria and Scion, her face now a blank mask. “Do you hate Japan so much, Yankee, that you would see her destroyed utterly?”

“Not Japan. Just you,” Alexandria panted, keeping a wary eye on Scion. Something occurred to her. This was not how people reacted to Scion. Not unless they knew what Alexandria did, and that was very, very few people indeed. “What do you know of…Scion?”

“Quiet, mortal. You Americans have no gods, and if you are not very careful, the Sustainer will destroy you as Khaenri'ah was,” Raiden hissed. Then, turning her back on Alexandria, she faced Scion and spoke. “Sustainer of Heavenly Principles! Why have you come? Japan is the land of Eternity, under my stewardship! Should you wish to punish her and her people, as according to the dictates of old, you must punish me first! Spare my people your wrath.”

Scion simply regarded the two women for a moment, his expression calculating, more alert than Alexandria had ever seen. Then his face slackened, and in a sonic boom, Scion was gone again.

For a moment, there was silence, then Raiden spoke, sounding exhausted. “Depart, Yankee. And do not return to these lands again.”

“Wait, Raiden, what do you know of-”

The face that turned towards Alexandra was utterly inhuman. Raiden was suddenly no longer the size of a normal human woman she had been before, but a colossus with lightning blazing in her eyes, and thunder roaring in her voice. One giant arm of purple lightning floated on her right side, three more on her left, all bearing swords or bolts of electricity, while she was born up by two more metallic hands, a great purple eye open to eternity floating behind her like a halo.

DEPART, MORTAL, AND NEVER RETURN!

A bolt of lighting slammed into Alexandria, driving her back and through a portal that opened behind her. She was slammed into something hard, it felt like metal, which she crunched into, leaving a bent and twisted crater. Men shouted around her, and she realized she was back on the deck of the USS America.

Groaning, Alexandria extricated herself, then limped over to a panicked looking Admiral Crowe, who had run out of the carrier’s island.

“Alexandria! What’s happening? Is Raiden attacking?” the admiral demanded.

Looking up, Alexandria saw the portal was closed. In the distance, she could still see the storm line, still many kilometers away.

“Turn the fleet around. Go home,” Alexandria gasped, shaking herself. “Call the President. Tell him…tell him we have to rescind the Kill Order.”

The Admiral glanced at Alexandria, who was clearly wounded, something that hadn’t really ever happened before, and then back at the storm. He suddenly deflated, looking decades older. “Not much a battlegroup can do against a typhoon anyway. We’ll make our way back to Pearl.”

Pearl. Raiden hadn’t seemed to know about Pearl Harbor. And the words she’d used…they hadn’t made any sense. Was she delusional? She had to be. No sane woman thought herself a god. And yet…when she’d seen Scion…Raiden had been terrified. She’d looked at Alexandria, who considered herself to be the second most powerful cape in the world, after only Eidolon, and not blinked. She’d taken on Leviathan, reportedly even enjoying herself from remarks she’d made. But Scion, supposedly the greatest hero in the world, and shaken Raiden to the core.

Maybe she just feared justice. Or maybe…maybe Alexandria didn’t know as much as she thought she did.

“I’m heading back to the Mainland. I need to talk with Director Costa-Brown and the President.”

Without further ado, Alexandria lifted off, flying slower than she usually did, and trying to use the time to think. She landed in Los Angeles twenty minutes later, and found someone unexpected waiting for her at the PRT Director’s own desk.

“Do come in. The coffee is still warm. I had your favorite delivered,” the woman at her desk said, sipping a plastic cup of her own. She wore a suit cut more in a man’s style so that it hung about her somewhat awkwardly, a black fedora, and white vest and tie. Bosa Donuts sat on the desk as well as another cup for Alexandria. She knew it would have just the right amount of sugar, and her favorite creamer as well.

“Contessa,” Alexandria said by way of greeting, taking a seat and picking up the coffee. She sipped it, and let out a long sigh. It was good. Well, the coffee wasn’t, but she loved it regardless. Just the right temperature too. She took a longer drink, formulating her thoughts.

“The Kill Order will have to be rescinded,” Contessa said, picking out a donut. She took a bite, then washed it down with some coffee. “Look at me. Stress eating. I haven’t done this in ages.”

“You told the Doctor to approve the order in the first place, didn’t you?” Alexandria asked, picking out a donut of her own. She couldn’t get fat, Hero’s comments to the contrary, but she did try to watch what she ate. A little indulgence once in a while wouldn’t hurt anything though.

“I did. I can’t see Raiden. Most of our Thinkers can’t. I confess, I was in a bit of a panic. It’s been a long time since something happened I completely could not account for,” Contessa said, idly licking a bit of frosting off her fingers between words. “Endbringers and Him aside of course.”

“So…can you account for her now?” Alexandria asked, feeling a bit sick. Not from the donut, though it was much too greasy to be good for her digestion. Just the thought of their best Thinker, the woman who guided the world on the precarious path towards survival, blind. It was not a thought to ease the stomach.

“To a degree. I can see the ripples she’s making, and the impact those will have.” Contessa reached over and picked up the phone, then handed it to Alexandria. “The President.”

“Yes, Mr. President?” Alexandria said, not even waiting to hear who it was.

“Alex. We’re going to have to pull the plug on the Kill Order. Word’s out: Japan is going to be forming a new government under Raiden. I don’t like it, it’s ugly, but we can’t have a bounty out on a head of state. It would look pretty bad for us.” The President sounded exhausted. He’d probably been woken in the middle of the night to be informed of what was happening.

“So, we’re just going to let Japan go to a Warlord?” Alexandria asked, making a face. She knew she had been going to tell the President the same thing, the response was more out of reflex than anything else.

“Believe it or not, it looks like it will be a peaceful transition of power. There was a very brief Civil War, fighting between the JSDF and the Sentai, but Raiden put a stop to it. Word is, Prime Minister Nakahara has managed to negotiate himself a top position in the new regime. And, well…there’s the other aspect of it.”

“Other aspect?” Alexandria asked, heart pounding. The President wasn’t supposed to know. Not that. Not who the real threat was.

“Hero and the other Tinkers put out a paper. You probably haven’t read it yet, it’s only circulating at the highest levels and only in the past few hours. But it looks like Japan has free energy now. For as long as Raiden is in power. They’d like her to plant one of her trees here. If we could get our hands on perpetual, clean energy…”

“Tinkertech always has its drawbacks,” Alexandria sighed, feeling relief wash over her. “But yes sir. I agree. I’ll make the statement shortly.”

She hung up, and looked to Contessa. “So, what’s the plan now? Do you know about…Raiden and Scion?”

“No. Do tell.” Contessa said, reaching into the box for another donut. She broke it in half, dropping the smaller chunk back in. “See? I’m being good. Only one and a half donuts.”

“I’ll take the other half,” Alexandria sighed, reaching out for it. She paused. “Do you really not know?’

“I do, at least what happened with you, or I can extrapolate quite a bit. But I want to hear it all from you anyway.  You’d feel better at least, right? Having someone to talk it over with,” Contessa prompted.

“That’s not like you,” Alexandria said, munching on the donut.

Contessa shrugged. “It’s not like me to not know what I need to know about someone to walk my path. Besides, maybe you’ll have a nugget that can help me figure out the right questions to ask.”

So Alexandria told her. Poured out everything, from Raiden’s initial cold hostility, to her baffling lack of knowledge of history, her reaction to Scion’s appearance, and the sudden transformation.

When she was done, Contessa nodded, and finished her coffee. “Well, you’ve given me something to think about. See? Humor to lighten the mood a little. Aren’t I a good friend?”

“I suppose,” Alexandria said, standing as Contessa did. The other woman walked towards the door, but Alexandria reached out to catch her by the arm, only for Contessa to easily dance out of the way. Back to her old tricks. “Oh, just stand still, will you?”

Contessa did, and feeling a bit awkward, Alexandria gave her a hug. “You are a friend. Don’t forget, you don’t have to walk your path alone. None of us do.”

“Some of us walk in the light, others in the shadows. We all have our role to play, Alexandria.”

“Of course. But stop by for coffee some time again. Even you should have people to talk to.”

Contessa flashed a smile that never reached her eyes, settled her hat back on her head,

It was slightly humiliating to have to get up and rescind a Kill Order she’d put only a couple of weeks earlier, but she did it. It was a lot of political talk and feather unruffling, but it boiled down to the same thing as the CUI: Raiden had challenged the world to a game of chicken. And the world had blinked.

Not 15 minutes after Alexandria’s announcement, the Kamikaze simply stopped. No slow wind down, no gentle dissipation. The storms were there one minute, and gone the next. Raiden didn’t even issue a statement. Not that she needed to. Her actions spoke loudly enough.

Alexandria sat down, looking at various reports on her desk. A strange new cluster, Slaughter House Nine activity, and predictions of the next Endbringer attack. She sighed, and picked up the analysis of Raiden’s trees. What was that madwoman up to next?

Ei sat in her room, meditating. Everything was once more as it should be. Her lands were at peace, her people safe and largely continent. She had quelled the rebellion, and appointed new heads of the Tri-Commision. Her heart still ached for Makoto and Inazuma, even for the teasing of Yae. But Japan was a good land, and it needed her. Needed guidance and protection.

There was still the matter of the Heavenly Principles. She thought back to a few days earlier, to her official ascendance as Shogun before the people.

The adulation of the crowd was nothing new, and Ei had to admit, she had missed this. Oh, she had received prayers in Euthymia, but it had not been the same. And she had largely ignored them regardless. To walk once more amongst the people…it was thrilling.

She would not remake the same mistakes as she had in the past. Her defeat at the hands of that Traveler had sent her here. The girl had been strong. Stronger than any mortal should have been, able to use her abilities even when Ei silenced all mortal Ambition and Vision in her own realm. What had been her name? It mattered not. The result had been the same. She had been defeated, and when she had next blinked, she had been in a new land, though it had taken her some time to realize it.

She raised her hands, and the crowd quieted. “My people, people of Japan, a new age dawns.”

Normally, Ei reserved giving speeches for the battlefield, but she gave remarks at some length, earning adoration and cheers from the crowd. It was both gratifying and terrifying, as well as exhausting. Where was Makoto to deal with the praise of mortals? Ei would rather be left alone, but she could not do that now. Thankfully, most of the people seemed to adore her, and the new government had seamlessly picked up where it had left off, the wheels of bureaucracy grinding on.

There was still dissent, of course. Even now, she knew of no less than eight schemes to have her assassinated or her power suborned. She would wait on those. They were mortal plans, made by mortal hands. Fallible. Incomplete. Prone to failure.

But it was the Sustainer of Heavenly Principles that she was concerned with. It was a god’s duty to attend to her people, and to protect them. From other gods and demons, but most importantly, to protect them from the Wrath of Celestia. This Sustainer was not of Celestia, not of the world she knew. But he was dangerous.

There were three that Ei had feared, three that she had been unwilling to face upon an open field. Only three. Morax, the King of Stone, mightiest and most enduring of all the gods. Murata, Lady of War, the only one who’s technique and skill was a match for Ei’s own skill. And the Sustainer of Heavenly Principles. That this new world had its own Sustainer…it was troubling.

That and the new visions. They were like leeches, latching on to the mind of those they possessed, altering their minds and wills along with their bodies. Ei had subtly altered Ami and Mushu’s own parasites to be more benign, though she had not severed the connection to the Sustainer completely. Simply adjusted them to be more to her own preferences. Should she do the same with all her Sentai? She had not decided. If it invoked the wrath of the Sustainer…

Though Ei continued to meditate, her stomach rumbled. The problem with meditating upon the mortal plane was that one’s body had mortal needs. Ei could ignore them, of course. She did not, strictly speaking, need to eat. But she did like to. The food of Japan was reminiscent of that of Inazuma in many ways, but there were so many new and interesting things to try.

She stood from where she had been floating over her bedroom, and walked over to the ‘mini-freege.’ She was still staying at the hostel until her palace was constructed. That would take some years, even with these new machines and building techniques, but her palace must be eternal. She had insisted on proper hardwoods and stone, instead of this ‘concrete’ and ‘rebar’. It seemed woefully impermanent.

Inside, there were several six packs of the ‘coke.’ There was a new one called a ‘pepsi.’ It was supposed to be even sweeter, and Ei took out a can of each. She tried both, and found both delectable. Which was superior she could not say, they both had subtle differences of taste.

After imbibing both, Ei looked around. She saw the ‘micro-wave’, along with several of those cups of noodles Ami had asked to have purchased for her. There was water as well, and Ei mostly remembered how Ami had prepared the noodles. It wasn’t really cooking, right? How bad could things be?

“Get them all outside! Quickly!” Kenta roared, and holding his breath, dashed back into the toxic miasma that filled the burning hotel. After a few minutes of frantic searching, he found the three missing maids hiding in a back room, passed out from the choking fumes. He lifted them onto his shoulders and dashed out, his long tail swishing behind him. He just managed to exit the building as it groaned, and began to collapse in on itself. Flames spewing out of the many windows.

He handed the unconscious women over to the paramedics. Their lungs were damaged, and they’d have difficulty breathing for the rest of their lives, but they’d live. Thankfully, while there were a great many injuries and the hotel was a complete write off, they’d managed to get everyone out alive.

He stomped over to Raiden, who was just coming out of the field decontamination chamber they’d set up. She was looking rather bedraggled and peeved at being forcibly sprayed down with the chemicals, but when she saw Kenta she tried to turn away, looking embarrassed.

“Are you OK?” Kenta demanded, looking Raiden up and down as she wrapped herself in a towel. Damn but she was a fine looking woman.

“I am hale. How many…?”

“No one died, if that’s what you're asking. But Ei, what caused all that? That smoke, the medics say they’ve never seen anything like it.”

Raiden didn’t turn to face him, but when she spoke she sounded ashamed. “I…attempted to make one of those ‘instant ramen.’”

“You…you did what?”

And then Raiden told him the full story. By the time she was done, Kenta was having to hold back laughter. Yes, the situation was horrible, and there were some seriously injured but…seriously? She couldn’t even heat up a cup of instant noodles without…that happening?”

“From now on, you are absolutely forbidden from ever using a microwave again,” Kenta said firmly. He thought about it, and added, “Or a stove. Or an oven. Or an instant pot. In fact, you’re completely forbidden from ever trying to cook anything again. Even making tea.”

“I am a god!” Raiden huffed, turning around and puffing out her admittedly impressive chest. “You are a mere mortal! You cannot tell me what to do!”

“I’m your familiar, and you just burned down a hotel and turned the rubble into a toxic waste site that might take ten years to clean up. God or not, you’re the worst cook I’ve ever heard of. You have a literal legion of servants who would be happy to make you food any time you want. You can teleport to the nearest convenience store and buy whatever you need, or go a little further and get some damn WcDonalds. No. More. Cooking.”

Raiden pouted a little, but then she looked at the still burning hotel and the firefighters in hazmat suits, and hung her hand in shame. “Very well.”

Snorting, Kenta walked away, far enough he was certain Raiden couldn’t hear him, and started laughing hysterically. He was gasping and wheezing for breath when the lightning bolt struck him. He was fine, of course, but chased after Raiden on general principle. She had “gone to Tokyo” on “urgent business” by the time he got back to where she’d been.

“That woman,” Kenta grumbled. “I didn’t sign up to babysit a god.”

Of course, that was more or less what he had signed on for, he just hadn’t known it at the time. He looked at his limbs, and touched them. They weren’t real flesh according to the doctors, but he could feel it when he pinched his skin, and they felt real enough. They were supposedly tougher, made of what Raiden called “electro-alchemy’ which sounded like magic to Kenta.

Sighing again, he went to clean up Raiden’s mess. And vowed to never let her within 100 meters of a microwave again.

In his many years at sea, Dr. Myung had seen the ocean’s many faces. The deep peaceful blue of a sunny day. The iron gray waters of a storm, the pitch black at night, and even a blood red sea during an algae bloom.

He had not, however, seen a purple sea. Nor one that crackled with lightning.

“We can’t get close,” one of the fishermen, Ji Ho explained, pointing. “The boats that go there die.”

“It’s been like this since the Kamikaze?” Dr. Myung asked, lowering his binoculars.

The fishermen discussed it for a moment, then shook their heads. “No, before. Since the Desolation.”

That was what they were calling the cataclysmic event that had resulted from the Raiden Shogun unleashing her full might. The Musou no Hitotachi, the warlord called it. Well, more than a Warlord now, Dr. Myung supposed. She was now internationally recognized as the de facto head of Japan, though in practice her position seemed somewhere between military chief and deity.

For his part, Dr. Myung now said his prayers nightly to her. He’d questioned his faith for years, but the emergence of a true god, even a Japanese one, made things in the world make a little more sense. He was a man of science, and believed in what he could see and test in a lab. And everything about Raiden Shogun told him she was far, far more than a parahuman.

The research vessel kept at least two nautical miles between itself and the flickering purple waters. While the sailors said that you could go out on the waters of the Desolation, it quickly overloaded any electronics. Some had died when they were stranded, others had been able to drift free before a miasma-like effect sapped you of all life, or drove you murderously mad.

They did lower two remotely controlled submersibles, made for them by their onboard Tinker Nimpeu, who stayed on the command deck and worked the control sticks herself. She wasn’t the strongest of tinkers, but her ability to make anything related to the water was incredible. She’d designed their ship and much of their gear herself, and Dr. Myung was trusting in the quiet young woman.

“Any fish on the sonar?” Dr. Myung asked as he stepped into the main cabin.

Nimpeu didn’t look up, quietly shaking her head. All sea life stayed far, far away from the Desolation. There was now effectively a wide corridor of dead sea from Kyushu to Taiwan. Not even birds would fly over it, which had been devastating to certain migratory species. Ships certainly couldn’t pass over it, though planes at above 500 meters seemed to be fine.

The submersibles dove quickly to the somewhat shallow seabed, then crept along it until the dark abyss became visible. The bottom glowed, as did the waters, making the waters far brighter than they should have been. Dr. Myung watched for a few moments, then frowned, pointing at his screen .

“What’s that, there? Go in for a closer look.”

Nimpeu maneuvered one of her probes towards the alien object, which shone with the same weird inner light. It was close to the edge of the Desolation, but not exactly in it. The crystalline structure almost seemed to be growing there, spreading out like coral along the seafloor, despite this section being about 180 meters deep. There were types of coral that could grow that deep, but they didn’t build reefs like this.

“See if you can get a sample,” Dr Myung urged, and Nimpeu spoke for the first time that day.

“I don’t want to lose my baby.”

He put a hand on her shoulder. “I have faith in you. It will be fine.”

She bit her lip, and nodded, inching the probe closer. The vessel had a wondrous number of tools, and she was able to scan it, noting that it seemed like it was filled with energy, probably electricity. A small bit was chipped off, and the probe returned to the surface, while the other continued its observations.

A few minutes later, Nimpeu let out a gasp of shock, pointing to the screen.

Dr. Myung took a look, and blinked. “Something’s alive down there…but what is that?”

A giant plant of some sort was growing right on the edge, its long tentacle-like strands floating in the current, a great flower at least 10 meters across with four petals turned towards the probe. Even as the probe moved closer, the face of the flower tracked it, as if it could see the little submarine.

This time, Nimpeu didn’t hesitate. This was just a plant, after all, and she moved her vessel in. When she got within ten meters, however, the plant roared, the sound picked up by the microphones on the drone. Then lashed out with its vines, which flew through the water far faster than they should have.

Nimpeu reacted instantly, taking evasive action and keeping the main camera trained on the plant. It screeched again as if in anger, and then the central stamen opened, and a beam of lightning shot out.

The probe went dead.

Stunned, the team sat quietly for a moment, save for the soft swearing of Nimpeu as she gently punched her controls in anger.

“What in hell was THAT?” one of the undergraduate students asked.

“I don’t know,” Dr. Myung admitted. “A new lifeform of some kind.”

Later, the sample the surviving submersible brought back was analyzed, and found to contain an outrageous amount of power. It seemed to actually be generating electricity, and had a volt output higher than a battery of a similar size. Extensive testing showed it provided enough electricity to run a laptop computer for six months before it grew dim and dull.

Korea kept the discovery secret for only a few months, before a massive underwater mining rush began. Nations desperate to gain the incredible power jockeyed for power, until a North Korean warship fired on a Vietnamese vessel. At which point, Raiden herself arrived the next day, and announced that she considered all of the Desolation to be Japanese territorial waters.

No one further argued with her, and especially not since during the night, what was now being called an Electro-Regisvine snatched an unwary Australian ship down to the depths, killing all hands. There were some negotiations with the Japanese government, and various countries friendly to the Shogunate were granted harvesting rights, for a massive fee. Though Japan retained a huge advantage, as certain talismans granted by Raiden protected them from what she called the “Balethunder.”

Later, it was learned that somehow, certain parahumans were able to survive the Desolation with no ill effects, freely able to harvest the minerals that had been dubbed Electro Crystals.

All had the same powers, regardless of national origin, and all had a small talisman they bore.

And they were those of Vision.