fullparagon

The Melancholy of Kazuma Sato, Chapter 55

“Ugh, come on, skipping to the last level of a dungeon is cheating! Can’t we just try to speed run it!?” Haruhi complained as soon as she was informed of Kazuma’s teleport destination.

“We can level grind some time when the world isn’t in danger from the Devil Queen,” Kazuma said with a shake of his head.

“No, I agree! We should find another solution. I do not like this one,” Megumin pouted, folding her arms over her chest and sticking her nose in the air.

“You’re just upset that if we’re in a dungeon you can’t blow us all to kingdom come with your overpowered spell!” Kazuma said, pointing an accusing finger at Megumin.

She blushed, clutching her staff close. “Do…do you really think it’s overpowered?”

“Megumin, your spell would give a Hiroshima survivor PTSD. And you’re the only person I know who would take that as a compliment,” Kazuma told her. “Right, do we have any REASONABLE objections to doing this?”

“Um, w-well…what if we get trapped?” Mikuru asked.

All eyes turned to her, most of them utterly disbelieving something so reasonable and sensible would be brought up in their discussions.

“Well, we can just teleport out, right?” Kyon asked, looking to Kazuma.

“Uh, actually, I’m pretty sure I’ll be as useless as Megumin is after one spell,” Kazuma admitted. “Teleport costs a lot of mana, and I don’t exactly have much gas in the tank.”

“Well that’s asinine! We’d be trapped on the bottom floor of an insanely dangerous dungeon if we teleported in. Why did you think this was a good idea?!” Kyon demanded.

“Hey, it’s how Kazuma defeated the Devil King last time!” Aqua huffed, pointing a finger at Kyon. “So don’t get so upset!”

“Didn’t you die the last time you defeated the Devil King?” Haruhi asked, her eyes narrowing suspiciously.

“Uh, well, I mean…Aqua brought me back,” Kazuma said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Can she still do that?” Kyon asked. “Because otherwise that still puts a damper on this supposedly brilliant plan.”

“Well, I mean, if I can’t Haruhi can, right?” Aqua pointed out.

“That’s a fair point…I still don’t like this idea,” Kyon muttered. He glanced at Yuki, who had remained silently at his side during the conversation. “Could you get us out if necessary?”

“Data not found,” Yuki said, and held her hand out to Kazuma.

“What? You want a hi-five or something?”

“She wants your Adventurer’s card to see if she can learn Teleport,” Kyon sighed, and Yuki nodded silently.

“See, some people use their skill points on something useful,” Kazuma told Haruhi as he handed over his card.

“Just so you know, I got a look at your card. I don’t know what Lip Reading, Smithing, and Master Performer are doing for your build, but it sounds like you were picking up some party tricks,” Haruhi said with a roll of her eyes.

“You did!?” Aqua asked, her eyes going wide.

“Well, uh, I-”

“If you wanted more party tricks, you should have said so! It would be great, we could perform together!” Aqua said eagerly. “Or some art skills too! I have all sorts of fun ones, here look!”

“Analyzing,” Yuki said as she scrolled through the card. She touched the Teleport skill, and there was a brief flash. “Teleport acquired. Registering locations.”

“Which ones did you choose?” Kyon asked as Yuki handed back the card and Kazuma abashedly started learning some party tricks from the still excited Aqua.

“The SOS Brigade Room, the Axel Guild Hall, and the apartment of Kyon,” Yuki responded.

“You can Teleport to Earth!?” Kyon gasped.

“Unknown,” Yuki said with a faint shifting of her shoulders that constituted a shrug.

“Well, that does leave us an out. Though, uh…why’d you register my apartment instead of your own?” Kyon asked.

“Uncertain,” Yuki considered it for a moment, then added, “Perhaps because I desire to be with you instead of alone.”

“Yeah, well, uh, I think we’d better wait until we graduate to get married,” Kyon said nervously.

“Understood. I will schedule the wedding for the day after graduation,” Yuki stated.

“Heh heh. Uh, that was a joke, right? Right?” Kyon asked, but Yuki quirked a small smile and turned away from him.

“Yeah, fine, I’ll take Master Painter, Expert Narrator, and Lyrical Poetry,” Kazuma sighed, tapping his own card to Aqua’s delight.

“Explains why my bedtime stories were always so good. My dad has an awful build,” Haruhi sighed in exasperation. “Are we really going to skip the fun part and go right to the final boss? That seems kinda unsatisfying.”

“It took me days to clear out that dungeon with two of the most overpowered people on the planet, and the monsters got really repetitive. How long would you be willing to dungeon grind?” Kazuma asked.

“Um…was there any good loot?” Haruhi asked hopefully.

“No. Monsters don’t just drop gold and magic items when they die,” Kazuma told her.

“What kind of idiot would think monsters would drop gold and magic items when they die?” Megumin asked, snorting derisively. “Everyone knows you have to get to the treasure room to get that, which is always at the end of the dungeon.”

“Skipping right to the treasure sounds fine, I guess. There will still be an epic boss battle, right?” Haruhi asked hopefully.

“I mean, if we can do a quick in and out, we should have Megumin just collapse the whole thing and jet,” Kazuma suggested.

“No, absolutely not. There will be no suicide bombings,” Kyon said, making an an X with his arms. “I’ve seen what she can do, and in a confined space we’d just be obliterated.”

“We’ve still got me and Yuki! We can handle anything we find down there, and Aqua and Mikuru can be the support!” Haruhi said, making a muscle and rubbing her admittedly impressive bicep.

Kyon would have been more jealous, but considering she was a literal goddess, that didn’t seem like a productive use of energy. “What about me and Kazuma?”

“You can hold our stuff,” Haruhi said dismissively. When Kazuma growled at her, she rolled her eyes. “Fine, I guess Kazuma is in charge of dirty tricks and cheating.”

“Damn right I am,” Kazuma said, grinning wickedly. “If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying!”

“I-I’ll do my best!” Mikuru promised, clutching her staff and trembling slightly.

“Right then! Let’s do this, SOS Brigade!” Haruhi said, and put her hand out. With a heavy sigh, Kyon put his hand into the middle atop hers, with Aqua and the other girls following suit with varying degrees of eagerness. After Aqua elbowed Kazuma, he grumbled and did the same.

“Let’s kick ass and take names!” Haruhi hooted, then raised her hand as she shouted. “SOS BRIGADE!”

“SOS BRIGADE!”

Everyone held hands, with an excited Haruhi gripping both Kazuma and Aqua’s. A part of her thought this was a bit like going on an adventure with her parents, which was both super cool and dreadfully embarrassing. Either way, it was the most interesting thing to happen to her ever.

“Right, here we go. Teleport: Dungeon!” Kazuma roared.

A moment later, they all tumbled over one another in a small, cramped, warm space, with Haruhi falling into a puddle with water splashing on her head. When she looked up, she saw a young girl with pink hair, who was both naked, and looking down at her aghast.

“AAAAAAAAA!” the girl screamed, grabbing a curtain and wrapping it around herself. “W-what are you-!?”

“Drain Touch,” Kazuma said, touching the back of the girl’s neck. She slumped over after a moment, passing out. “Figures. We appeared in the damn bathroom.”

“You registered the BATHROOM as your destination when you made your teleport destination?” Kyon asked in disgust as he extracted himself from the sink.

“Typical pedo-NEET,” Aqua sighed, smacking Kazuma upside the back of his head.

“Hey! Look, I figured if I was going to infiltrate the dungeon, the bathroom was a good place to start! Plus, you know, when a man’s gotta go…” Kazuma said, looking down at the unconscious girl. “Good thing she was here, that topped me off so I can teleport again if we need to.”

“Um, uh, a-all the boys should leave so we can, um, tie her up,” Mikuru said, pushing Kyon and Kazuma towards the door. They were forced out of the bathroom, and into a rocky tunnel.

“Huh, weird that the bathroom was all tile and hardwood, but this place looks like an actual dungeon,” Kyon mused, putting a hand on the roughly shaped wall.

“Would YOU like to take a dump  in a cave?” Kazuma asked.

“Fair point,” Kyon agreed with a shrug.

“Dammit, there’s always a line for this thing,” a deep husky voice said behind them. “Ugh, is it that Mao girl again? She always takes the longest baths.”

Kyon felt Kazuma’s arm grip his, and he turned to see sweat breaking out on Kazuma’s forehead. “What? What’s the problem?”

Glancing over his shoulder, Kyon beheld a large woman with a big snout and tusks, bright green skin, and long, flowing tresses. She was dressed only in a towel, and was perhaps the most staked person he’d ever seen. Even more so than Darkness, which was saying something.

“Oh ho? Don’t you two boys know this is the women’s bathroom?” the orc said, leaning forward. She slammed her fist into the wall above Kazuma’s head, leering down at him. “Hey there, handsome. Why don’t the two of you take a bath with me? I can promise you a good time.”

“Uh, we have girlfriends,” Kyon said, backing away to the other side of the wall. He let out a squeak when the orc shifted, planting her hand over his own shoulder and pressing him up against the wall with her knee.

“That’s OK, I won’t tell! Trust me, I’m woman enough to take both of you, at the same time!” the orc chuckled, and Kyon felt cold sweat run down his spine.

“Hey Kazuma, we’re done, let’s go find- GET AWAY FROM HIM YOU BITCH!” Aqua hurtled out of the bathroom with glowing fists, slamming into the orc and bowling her down the passage. The orc let out some rather piggish squeals for mercy, but it was completely futile. Despite Aqua being half the orcs size, she manhandled the monster for a few seconds, before leaving the orc bloodied and bruised on the ground. She stood up, cracking her knuckles and snorting out a long trial of steam.

“I guess I’m not the only one with an overpowered and violently protective girlfriend,” Kyon mused, nudging Kazuma, who was staring at Aqua in shock.

“Yeah, uh, I…hold on a sec.” Kazuma walked over and grabbed Aqua, then pulled her into a kiss. She was startled at first, but quickly melted into Kazuma’s arms, pulling him close.

“We’re all done here, let’s- ugh! Will you two save it?!” Haruhi asked, stepping out of the bathroom herself.

“I’d think you’d be more excited about this. Don’t they have to get together for you to be born or something?” Kyon sighed.

“Time travel doesn’t work that way. Right Mikuru?” Haruhi asked, looking back into the bathroom as Mikuru and Yuki peeked out.

“Um, well, it depends. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn’t. But if they are your parents, um, that would mean it’s a time loop, so…”

“Oh whatever! Are we going to go find the final boss now or what?” Haruhi demanded angrily.

“Yeah, come on, it’s up the passage this way,” Kazuma said, separating from a tittering Aqua. “Let’s just get this over with. And Megumin?”

“What?”

“No Explosions.”

“Do I look like an idiot to you?” Megumin demanded, folding her arms across her chest and glaring at Kazuma.

Kazuma turned and regarded Megumin for a moment, looking her up and down, then gave her an exasperated expression, and walked off.

“H-hey! I am the Foremost Genius of the Crimson Demon Clan! I would never blow myself and everyone else up! It’s YOUR thing to use Explosion magic underground like an idiot, not me! Hey, get back here when I’m yelling at you!”

“Shhh! We’re in the enemy’s base! We have to go unnoticed!” Kyon whispered, shaking Megumin by the shoulder.

“Hmph. I’ll show him. I’m one of the strongest Adventurers there is! My physical technique is far greater than Kazuma’s!” Megumin grumbled, rolling up the sleeves of her robe and flexing her admittedly toned arms.

“And, do you have any actual physical combat skills?” Kyon asked, sighting heavily. “No, don’t tell me. ‘Of course not, I put all my points into one skill like a chuuni maniac!’”

“You do not fully appreciate the glory that is Explosion Magic,” Megumin grumbled, but didn’t try to contradict Kyon.

They made their way up the rough hewn tunnel until they came to a section with dressed stone, forking off to another passage that had signs indicating the men’s bathroom.

“Hold on a sec,” Kyon said suspiciously. “Kazuma, you used-”

“No time, the boss room is just ahead. Now, the last time I was here, it was some vampire lord dude. But the new Devil Queen has probably shacked up in here instead. There might be some traps, but it’s a big arena with plenty of space for a battle. It’s probably her and some mooks, so it might be best if we just rush in and blitz her before the rest of the dungeon can come down on us. We kill her, grab the loot, and then teleport the hell out of here,” Kazuma whispered.

“Don’t think we didn’t notice you snuck into the girls bathroom instead of the boys. You had better not be this much of a pervert when you become my old man!” Haruhi hissed.

“Focus! Any refinements to the plan?” Kazuma demanded. “Yuki, you’ll be on point. I think you’re our best melee fighter.”

“That sounds smart. I guess I’ll be in the rear with the gear, like normal,” Kyon sighed. “Stay close to me, Mikuru.”

“S-so you can protect me?” Mikuru asked, blushing.

“Are you kidding? You’re a high level priest! No, you stay close so you can heal me if I get hit! I have barely any hitpoints, and I’m a class with no combat potential!”

“Oh. Uh, OK,” Mikuru said, looking a little confused. Kyon wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t like he’d ever been able to protect her from Haruhi, let alone a bunch of orcs, a Devil Queen, and who knew what else.

Kazuma gave Kyon a smug look, but Kyon just glared right back. “Don’t give me that. I’ve seen the girls in your party! You were coasting on them too!”

Aqua and Megumin giggled, even going so far as to exchange a fist bump while Kazuma sputtered. “Well, I- Ugh! Look, are we ready?”

The others nodded, and Yuki drew her swords.

“I swear to god, if anyone shouts Leeroy Jenkins, I’m kneecapping you,” Kazuma muttered.

“Kazuma, that hasn’t even happened yet,” Aqua said, patting his head. “It’s OK, I get your dumb internet memes.”

“Ugh, whatever. Let’s do this. CHARGE!”

They burst out of the bathroom tunnel, Yuki at the forefront, and into the larger chamber. It was much brighter, momentarily blinding Kazuma and the others. When he heard the sound of a grate slamming shut behind him, Kazuma realized he’d made a mistake. That, and a hum in the air, followed by a sense he’d just lost access to all magic.

“Oooooh shit,” Kazuma breathed, as he looked around. The inside of the chamber had been completely redone. Instead of a classic “final boss room” this now looked like a command bunker right out of World War II, complete with orcs and demons in Imperial Japanese Army uniforms, tables with hex grids and little markers showing unit locations and dispositions, mounds of paperwork, and a Nazi Loli.

“Well, well, well. Kazuma Sato, Aqua, and Haruhi Suzumiya. What an unexpected surprise,” Tanya purred, grinning at them from atop her step stool as the various monsters gaped in shock. Visha lifted her rifle and racked back a round.

“What are they doing here!?” Fujiwara wailed, diving under one of the tables. “This wasn’t the plan! They’ve got the crazy explosion girl with them! We’re doomed!”

“BEHOLD! I AM MEGUMIN! FOREMOST GENIUS OF THE-”

“AHHHHH!” all the various monsters threw the paperwork they were carrying in the air, and immediately ran towards the locked gage at the head of the room. Two ogres ripped the gate off its hinges, and most of the monsters started cramming their way through, running in sheer panic.

“Why are you running you idiots, my anti-magic field is up!” Tanya yelled. “That was what the contingency plan called for! You’re not responding as you were trained in the drills!”

“Are you crazy, general!? That’s the Crimson Menace! Nothing can stop her! She’s wiped out whole armies and she’s over level 90!” a goblin called back.

“Are you more afraid of her, or me?” Tanya snarled.

“Her! Definitely her!” the monsters wailed.

“She can’t cast the one spell she knows in an anti-magic field!” Tany repeated, stamping her foot in outrage.

A few monsters paused in their flight, and then Megumin stood up on one leg, raising her staff.

Darkness Blacker than Black, Crimson Redder than Blood,

Led me know thy destructive power to-

She didn’t even manage to finish as every single monster booked it through the narrow passage, trampling more than a few of their brethren in their path.

“Well I’ll be. Looks like you can use Explosion underground,” Kazuma laughed, slapping Megumin on the back as she beamed proudly.

“Nothing may stand up to the awesome power and fury of my Explosion magic! I am the foremost genius of-”

Tanya drew her pistol, and shot Megumin, right in the forehead. Kazuma and Aqua screamed in horror, while Haruhi and the rest of the SOS Brigade froze in shock.

“-the Crimson Demon Clan,” Megumin finished smugly. She reached up and dug the bullet out of her forehead, which had left a slight bruise and a small trickle of blood. “A mere weapon such as that cannot hope to stop me! While I have never invested in defense, I am level 92, and am halfway to the level cap of 99!”

“That’s not how math works!” Tanya ranted.

“Fool, every seven levels, the amount of experience required to increase your level doubles! This is why no mortal has yet reached the level cap, for it would take more than a human lifetime to achieve it! YET I, MEGUMIN, MISTRESS OF EXPLOSION MAGIC SHALL-”

Tanya shot Megumin again, causing her to squawk in outrage.

“Stop it! That’s annoying, and it’s not going to kill me!”

“Yes, but it might shut you up,” Tanya muttered, raising the gun slightly. “And I suppose the rest of you are immune to bullets?”

“Tanya you big meanie, is this any way to treat us after the Chief Goddess let you come to our super special school!” Aqua huffed, stomping her foot. “Where’s the Devil Queen anyway?!”

“Around. I figured you would show up somehow. You and Sato were always incredibly annoying, not to mention the walking war crime you have with you,” Tanya huffed.

“Look who’s talking,” Aqua muttered, shaking her head. “Now, Tanya, are you going to help us fight the Devil Queen or not?”

“She’s not serious,” Visha sighed, shaking her head.

“Aqua, how do you know these people, and do you really think they’ll come over to our side?” Kazuma hissed.

“That’s Tanya, we know her from the School like I told you. And no, but I don’t want to kick her ass until I’ve given her the choice,” Aqua said, putting her hands on her hips.

“For the time we spent together, Aqua, I will not kill you on sight, but I am here to rid this world of gods once and for all. I killed one god before, and I’ll do it again,” Tanya declared.

“Ok. Yuki?” Aqua said, stepping to the side.

Yuki shifted slightly, taking a step forward. “Yes?”

“Please try not to kill Tanya. But we’ve got to beat her up. She’s working for the Devil Queen.”

“Affirmative,” Yuki agreed, stepping forward and drawing her swords.

“Coward. The gods never do any work themselves. You would send this girl after me?” Tanya spat, pointing her pistol at Yuki.

“Well, for one thing, Yuki’s basically a goddess. And for another, I think I’ve gotten a lot smarter since I went to Earth with Kazuma. And I’m a healer, not a fighter.”

“Hmph. Do you have a death wish, girl? There is still no magic here,” Tanya said, keeping her pistol trained on Yuki as Visha raised her rifle and aimed it as well.

“Data firewall located. Resetting parameters. Initiating anti-firewall procedures. Firewall breached,” Yuki said, and there was a faint pop as the anti-magic field went down.

“What!? How did you-” Tanya gasped, stumbling back off her stool and looking horrified.

“Analysis indicates you are capable of data manipulation. Is this correct?” Yuki asked.

Tanya frowned, then slowly floated up into the air on mage gear. “Yes. But why drop the field if you knew this? It was a contingency, but-”

“You will need all the help you can get to keep up with me, noob,” Yuki declared, and then she dashed forward, blades flashing.

Activating her mage gear, Tanya flew back, firing as she went, even as Visha’s rifle cracked. Yuki dodged or deflected the bullets, dashing forward, evening running along the sides of the wall after Tanya. When Yuki leapt forward to skewer Tanya, the smaller woman managed to create a blue barrier to block the blades, but was sent ping-ponging off the walls and floor of the dungeon by the force of the blow.

“Cyka blyat!” Visha snarled, and fired with her rifle twice, zooming towards Yuki.

The humanoid interface dodged back, then spun her sword at Visha, only to have it deflected by a bayonet. Visha countered with the butt of her rifle, but swung in only into open air instead of Yuki’s head, her nose breaking in a sickening crunch from a headbutt.

“VISH!” Tanya screamed, and recovered from her mad tumble, drawing a carbine and firing a three round burst at Yuki, who moved herself and Visha out of the line of fire by kicking off the table. She and Tanya met briefly, with Tanya taking a swipe with a knife she drew from her belt, only for Yuki’s hand to connect to the back of her neck. Tanya dropped to the ground next to the tables with a thud.

“They will live,” Yuki said, landing on the ground with Visha under one arm. She went over next to the table, laying Visha’s unconscious body next to Tanya. As she did so, she suddenly spasmed, then collapsed to the floor herself.

“HA! Got ya, alien bitch!” Fujiwara hooted, hopping out from under the table with a small device in his hands. “Now, the power of a Humanoid Interface is MINE!”

“Yuki, no!” Kyon cried, and ran forward, followed by Haruhi, Aqua, Kazuma, and Mikuru, who was taking her “mind Kyon” duties seriously.

As soon as they did though, a winged form slammed through the dungeon exit, landing on the ground next to Fujiwara. “Well, I did not think you would come so soon, Kazuma Sato. But now, you and- Aqua!? What are you- oh. But you’re not…”

“GOD BLOW!” Aqua roared, and leapt forward, her fist glowing with power. The Devil Queen caught her fist in her hand, looking amused.

“Your attack had some holy energy, but you’ve Fallen, haven’t you? Well, I suppose it wouldn’t be the first time a hero deflowered a goddess.”

“Leggo you jerk! I only got to kiss Kazuma so far!” Aqua shrieked, trying to pull away from the Devil Queen.

“HANDS OFF MY BEST FRIEND!” Kazuma cried, and raised Chunchumaru high. “VORPAL SLASH!”

It was the most potent art of the Swordsmaster class, a blow that could cut through anything, used against the fiercest of foes to lay them low in a single attack.

The Devil Queen smirked, caught the attack on an armored gauntlet, then grabbed Kazuma by his collar and held him up. “If you were a proper advanced class, that would have killed me. But you’re still a low level Adventurer. How you defeated my father, even in his advanced age…I’ll never understand.”

“LET GO OF MY PARENTS!” Haruhi shrieked, and leapt up, her sword glowing. “VORPAL-”

“Yeah, fuck this, I’m going home,” Fujiwara snarled, and a portal opened up, showing a picture of a far off classroom. “Even Mikuru isn’t worth this.”

“Screw, the gods,” Tanya gasped, and reached into her own pocket. “Activating…Anti-Magic Field.”

The antimagic field snapped back into place, but then collapsed in on itself, sucked into the portal that became wildly unstable, flickering through dozens of images from across time and space.

“YOU FOOLS!” the Devil Queen shrieked, the portal starting to grow in size, engulfing the still unconscious Yuki and Visha.

“AHHHH! KAZUMA, HELP!” Aqua screamed, wrapping her free arm about Kazuma, who clung to her in turn.

“-SLASH!” Haruhi finished, but her blade connected with the expanding portal. Time and space were ripped asunder, and the entire group vanished in a flash.

The Second Archon War, Imperatrix Umberosa 6

It had been fifty five years since the end of the Sino-Japanese War, or World War II as the Westerners called it. Shen Yu was too young to remember that war, but he’d stories from his grandfather who did. The loss of face and humiliation, that the Middle Kingdom, once the greatest of Earth’s nations had been brought low by a former tributary state had been borne for far too long.

Looking down at the ships being prepared, Shen Yu smiled. First he had done away with those fools who had led the weak and failing People’s Republic. Their simple human minds could not comprehend the depth of his strategy, and even with less than a dozen capes and a few hundred supporters it had been simplicity itself to topple them and seize power through a puppet Emperor, all while maintaining popular support. Such was his power, the greatest Thinker cape in the world. He had already seized Taiwan, and his men were battle hardened and ready for further conquest.

Now, with the Americans fully withdrawing their hand of protection and the Japanese capes in turmoil, victory was assured for Shen Yu and for China. Japan would maintain the illusion of self-rule, but they would be a tributary of the Chinese Imperial Union. Already, he was sowing the seeds of chaos in their government and land, and soon his ships would sail to victory.

There was one slight flaw in the plan, one minute hole that would be patched as time went on: his power told him very little about Raiden. He could calculate her potential based on what she had done, analyze for potential weaknesses, but when he tried to calculate what her Shard was or where she was from, even with all available data he got… nothing. He could extrapolate and plan around her still, but usually he was able to analyze what someone’s Shard was and what its limits were with ease. This was too much like guesswork, often relying on his own brilliant mind more and his power less.

Still, it was a minor obstacle. They would surely lose some of the Yangban, but the whole point of creating a hive mind was that individual members could be lost, for little overall reduction in effectiveness. He looked out from atop his tower, gripping the railing as he gazed across the sea.

Soon. It would be weeks yet, but- what was that?

Dark clouds began to form all along the horizon, not more than ten kilometers out to sea. He grabbed his pair of binoculars as his attendants began to chatter, and pointed them at a glowing pinprick.

It was her. He grinned. The fool had come to him.

“Deploy the reaction squads on standby! Get everyone ready to-”

I AM RAIDEN SHOGUN, THE NARUKAMI OSHOGO. THESE ARE MY PEOPLE. THIS IS MY LAND.

The voice was deafening, driving Shen Yu to his knees in pain as it echoed not just without, but within his mind, projected directly into his brain like a sledgehammer. He found himself retching and heaving as the words continued, relentlessly driving themselves into his skull.

JAPAN IS THE LAND OF ETERNITY. I SHALL BROOK NO FOREIGN FORCE TO SET FOOT UPON MY SOIL. I ENACT NOW THE SAKOKU DECREE: NONE MAY ENTER JAPAN. LET THE KAMIKAZE BLOW ONCE MORE!

Blinking through watery eyes, Shen Yu looked up and beheld the storm. It blew up out of nowhere, whipping the cold December waters to froth and fury as a wall of lightning struck, the clap and thunder of it shattering every window for a dozen kilometers inland, and deafening millions. A great typhoon began to rage, and with trembling hands, Shen Yu picked up his binoculars once more.

She was looking right at him. Her eyes pierced into his soul, and struck fear into the heart of a man who up until that point had known none. Her lips moved, and her voice echoed in his mind once more.

COME AND BRAVE THE LIGHTNING’S GLOW, MORTAL. IF YOU DARE.

She vanished in an instant, and Shen Yu’s binoculars fell from his numb fingers. Below him, the docks were in chaos as the first storm surge hit. Within minutes, his fleet was utterly ruined, his dockyards destroyed, his sailors drowned.

And not just in the Port of Shanghai. All of China’s military ports in the East China Sea were utterly ruined, and many of her vessels lost. A wall of typhoons stretched from Yonaguni island to the north, all along the home islands, up to Wakkanai Island near Hokkaido. Then back down through the Pacific, covering millions of square kilometers.

It took some time to confirm all this, as the weather satellites had been utterly overloaded by the sudden burst of energy. Thankfully, there was no large-scale blackout this time, but the devastation was still immense.

“It is a bluff,” Tōng Líng Tǎ said, sneering. “She cannot maintain this. It is too much.”

Shen Yu just sat there, his ears still ringing, mind still reeling, staring at the map. This was impossible. He tried to calculate the power needed for this, to grasp how much energy these storms represented…and he could not. His mind came up blank. His power was silent.

“Issue an apology. The invasion is canceled,” Shen Yu said quietly.

“What?!” the emperor gasped, turning to Shen Yu, outrage on his adolescent face. “We would lose too much face! We cannot apologize to the Japanese!”

That turned into an argument, and for once Shen Yu was too exhausted to quell it. They raged for several hours, but the storm showed no signs of slackening.

The Kamikaze blew on.

When he’d first heard what the Emperor had done, Prime Minister Nakamura had been in a state of shock. He’d revered and trusted the Emperor, and now this? This was a complete subversion of democracy. Appointing a shogun, especially a madwoman, was insanity. The country was in complete panic, two islands were in rebellion, and his own government was collapsing.

Somehow, he had to save this, but his options were running out. Then came the storm. Nakamura watched in horror as people celebrated, the news and the public rejoicing that Japan had been saved.

He called an emergency meeting with just the ministers he trusted, especially the head of the few remaining loyal Sentai, and with the JSDF generals he could trust.

“Raiden must be stopped, now. We have a week, perhaps two, before the country starts to starve to death. The ships that were still bringing us food and aid have been stopped. Those that were caught in the storm were blown out of our territorial waters, unharmed thankfully. Planes can get through the storm, but that’s not enough to keep our people from starving.”

“There’s one option left,” the Sentai Minister said quietly. “It’s mad, but I think we live in a time of madness. We must deploy Kokusho.”

His heart sank, and Nakamura nodded. He’d wanted to avoid killing Raiden. She truly had done much for Japan, and despite her criminal activities, he’d hoped to bring her to heel peacefully and make her into a symbol of Japanese pride. But now too much was at stake.

“The JSDF will do what it can to help. I don’t know how much our forces can do against a parahuman of that magnitude, but my men know that their country is on the line,” the chief general said, his own tone grim. “I’ll lead them myself.”

“Only send those you can trust. They can support The Evening Star as best they can, but they are likely to die in the attempt. Let the black wind blow. It is the only chance we have to end this mad storm and save our people.”

When the Ministers left, Nakamura contemplated asking for a sword, or perhaps a gun. He wasn’t from a line of samurai, but if this failed…death might be the only way to save face.

No. He’d face Raiden, one way or another. He began to compose two speeches. One for success, the other for failure. Either way, his political career, and likely his life, was over. But it had to be done.

Kenta stood atop the hotel roof in Nagasaki, looking out to see where he could see the line of storms. The distant rumble of thunder was audible, as were the sound of celebration on the street below. People were ecstatic that Raiden had solved the Chinese problem, but Kenta was moody. He looked to Raiden, who stood beside him, holding Ami’s hand and smiling faintly down at her people.

“So, what’s your plan now?” Kenta demanded, feeling a bit queasy. “Just fuck over China and the Yankees? Is that it?”

“Kenta, language,” Raiden chided, and Ami peeked her head around, looking curious and somewhat interested. Kids always did like learning dirty words.

“I’m not going to watch my language, even in front of the kid! Because unless you act fast, she’s going to watch those people starve to death right along with me!” Kenta said, pointing angrily to the crowd below. “Sure, we’ll probably survive, but you’ve basically guaranteed famine and poverty for us!”

Raiden blinked, obviously taken aback by Kenta’s rant, and Ami whimpered and hugged Raiden’s waist, looking frightened. “Why do you say this? I have saved Japan from foreign invasion. This is not like the Vision Hunt Decree. My people will be preserved, and I will establish eternity.”

“An eternity of poverty and famine! Do you know how many people there are in Japan?!” Kenta demanded angrily, stepping forward, nostrils flaring. He was taller than her at 185cm, even though she was tall for a Japanese woman herself at 171cm. He tried to loom, but somehow, failed.

“I do not. What did the last census record?” Raiden asked, her voice calm.

“Shit, I dunno, it’s about-”There was a pop, and Kenta’s voice went up several octaves as he continued, “-100 million or something. Damn, woman, are you just petty or crazy!?”

He glared up at Raiden, now in his tiny dragon form, with Ami giggling nervously from behind Raiden.

“I warned you to mind  your familiar language, familiar,” Raiden chided. Then she looked concerned. “But…100 million? That is…that is many times the population of Inazuma. Nearly that of Liyue…or…perhaps not. I was not monitoring such things as I should have…” Raiden now looked concerned, and Kenta planted his hands on his snake-like hips, drawing himself up to a height of about Raiden’s knees.

“Well, this ain’t Inazuma! This is- why do I sound like Eddie Murphy?”

Ami giggled more loudly, and came around Raiden, picking up Kenta despite his protests.

“Mommy, I think you should listen to Mushu,” Ami said, lifting Kenta up until he was perched on her shoulder. Having to rely on an eight year old for support. Fucking fabulous.

“Very well.” Raiden knelt so that her face was even with Kenta’s. “Speak. But mind your tongue. You are my familiar, and granted the privilege to speak your mind, but I will not tolerate crudeness in front of my ward.”

“Hell of a time to care about manners,” Kenta muttered, but continued on. “Look, I ain’t some big-brained scientist or politician or whatever. You know what I am: a street thug who got powers and can turn into a damn dragon. That’s it! But even I know that Japan can’t feed herself. Not even close! More than half the food in Japan comes from the outside. Mostly the USA if you have to know! And a lot of the food we do make on our own is from fishing, which you just totally killed by swinging your-”

Thunder rumbled directly overhead, and Kenta rephrased hastily, “Um, sword around. Look, my point is, are you a harvest god or something? Can you make the rice grow faster? Because if not, we’re screwed.”

“I…I did not know this,” Raiden admitted, looking suddenly deeply concerned and ashamed. “Ami. Is this true?”

“I dunno, you’re the grown up. But you’re supposed to think things through, right? My old mommy was always sayin’ that I had to think before I acted or bad things would happen. Did you think before you made the big storm?”

“I…no,” Raiden admitted, blushing more deeply now. “I simply-”

She suddenly surged forward, grabbing Ami and Kenta as a portal opened behind them. Raiden dove through, just as saw something flash out of the sky. Kenta tumbled to the ground, landing flat on his back as fire and debris rained down around him. He realized he was looking up at the hotel, and an instant later the roar of jet engines filled the city as two fighters raced by, windows shattering from the sonic boom of their passage.

“What the fu-udge,” Kenta groaned, getting up and dusting his scales off. “Were those Chinese? American?”

“They bore a sigil of a single red sphere. That is that of Japan, is it not?” Raiden asked, standing as Ami started crying and people began to scream in panic.

“Yeah. That’s the JSDF. Looks like they’re coming for youuuuuuu-RAAAAAOOOOOOOORRRRR!”

His body ballooned, not to that of the western style dragon he’d been when he fought Leviathan, but to that of an eastern dragon, with hints of purple amidst his shining silver scales. He slowly floated up in the air, testing things out. He’d only been in this form a couple times, and he’d never been so large before. How big was he? Raiden looked tiny, and he was longer than a bus, longer than two buses. He was thin, sure, but he could feel his tail stretching out far behind himself.

“Will you fight alongside me still? Even if I have brought doom upon this land?” Raiden asked, reaching out to rest a hand on Kenta’s snout.

“Everyone makes mistakes,” he rumbled. “Even a god. And you’re still mine, Lady Raiden. I don’t know why the JSDF is after you, but I’m on your side.”

“Than we shall-”

A black form appeared in a snap by Raiden, and Kenta roared in pain as something bit into his side. Dozens of figures in black all hacking at him and Raiden at once. His heart beat faster, and his blood ran cold. She was real. The rumored Fifth Star of the Sentai Elite. Kokusho the Black.

Stop the flying machines. I shall deal with this, Raiden’s voice spoke into his mind.

Grabbing Ami, Kenta surged up into the sky, looking down as he watched Raiden and the Evening Star begin to fight. He couldn’t even follow it, even with enhanced draconic senses. They were teleporting all around the city, or close enough to teleporting. Lightning flashed and thunder roared, and the ring of steel on steel could be heard.

“Kenta, will Mommy Raiden be OK!?” Ami gasped, slipping up onto his back and gripping onto one of his horns.

“She is the God of Eternity. Not even the Black Wind can stop her,” Kenta rumbled. “Now hang on!”

He surged up into the sky as storm clouds billowed and rumbled. A moment later, he roared in pain, as bright streaks of autocannon fire bit into his flesh. He called upon the lightning around him, not even certain how he did it, and the jet attacking him smoked and spun out of control, slamming into a recently repaired skyscraper.

There was an explosion, and he looked around, seeing another plane. Before he could attack though, he realized that it was fighting another jet. Then there were three, four, a dozen, he could not keep track of them all. A massive dogfight, all of them JSDF fighters erupted over the skies of Nagisaki. Kenta could no tell friend from foe, and he realized what this had to be:

Civil War.

Rumbling with anger, he herded his storm cloud away from the city and out into the countryside. As he flew, he saw the army units below, and heard the sound of gunfire and the flash of explosives. The very forces that had come to render aid were now undergoing a mutiny. He flew down from the clouds and roared out his anger.

“CEASE!”

The fighting slowed, as men on both sides looked up at him. Some bore white head and armbands with the red rising sun on them, others purple with the triple pronged helix of Raiden etched on them.

“WHAT MADNESS IS THIS? WHY DO YOU FIGHT ONE ANOTHER! HAS THIS COUNTRY NOT SEEN ENOUGH DEATH, YOU STUPID BA-AKA?”

Raiden wasn’t close by, but he wasn’t going to risk getting turned into mini-me because he couldn’t control his language.

“They defy the Shogun!”

“We will not surrender our democracy, monster!”

Someone fired and a bullet hit Kenta, but it might as well have been a flea. Even a jet’s cannons hadn’t done much more than annoy him, small arms were hardly worth noticing.

“RAIDEN WILL SPEAK WITH THE PRIME MINISTER AND THE EMPEROR. STOP THE FIGHTING. NOW. SHE WILL NOT BE PLEASED WITH THOSE WHO FOLLOW HER TO SEE THEM SLAY THEIR BROTHERS, OR WITH YOU MORONS WHO ARE FIGHTING A GOD. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO A TANK THAT’S HIT BY LIGHTNING?”

There was no answer, but Kenta didn’t need one. He saw a tank that looked abandoned, and breathed lightning on it. It burst into flames, flipping over at the intensity of the blast.

“THE SAME THING THAT HAPPENS TO EVERYTHING ELSE, YOU COMPLETE IDIOTS.”

“Stop fighting, fighting is bad!” Ami called, her voice high and mostly lost to the wind as she waved from Kenta’s back.

Slowly, with some grumbling, the soldiers threw down their weapons, and Kenta nodded. “COME ON, KID. WE’VE GOT TO TELL RAIDEN. AND END THIS MADNESS.”

The duel in the sky continued, but Kenta wasn’t about to get involved with that. He didn’t really want to find out if he was missile proof, and he honestly couldn’t tell who was who, even if the rebel planes had doctored their insignia.

He found Raiden standing over the bloody body of a young woman in a burnt black Sentai uniform. She was missing both her arms, her breathing shallow, and her eyes glazed with pain.

“Kill me,” Kokusho gasped. “I refuse to bow to you, false god. Kill me. And end this.”

“RAIDEN. LEAVE HER,” Kenta roared. “IT’S CIVIL WAR. WE HAVE TO END THIS, BEFORE THIS WHOLE COUNTRY BURNS TO THE GROUND.”

That was probably a gross exaggeration. The JSDF wasn’t exactly a huge force, though Kenta had no idea how big it actually was, it was far from the largest military around. With most of the Sentai on Raiden’s side, it was likely that any fighting would be over fast, but it still seemed like a stupid thing to him.

“You fought well, warrior,” Raiden said, breathing hard herself. She was wounded in several places, dark blood staining her torn kimono. Even with her speed, she’d not been faster than the Evening Star. But she had been tougher, and with a lot more firepower. “I shall not claim your life on this day. You fought with honor, and for honor. You shall not die. One day, you shall see the wisdom of Eternity.”

“Mommy!” Ami wailed, jumping off of Kenta and racing forward, Murasaki floating along at her side. She grabbed Raiden, clutching her injuries, and whispered, “Help me, Murasaki.”

“As you wish, my lady,” the little dragon said, which shocked the hell out of Kenta. When had it learned to talk? Then sparks flew from Ami’s hands, mending Raiden’s wounds as the god shuddered slightly. Apparently, it was far from painless.

“Heal her as well,” Raiden said, nodding to the rapidly fading Kokusho.

“Do I have to?” Ami asked, but was already kneeling, taking the bloody stumps in her hands. “Murasaki?”

More sparks flew, and Kokusho shuddered, then lay back, unconscious. Her wounds had scabbed over, though her arms still ended in short stumps.

“I do not know what to do,” Raiden admitted, looking up at Kenta. “I can command the storms, but I did not foresee this. How can I bind the land together?”

“WELL, I GUESS A GOOD START WOULD BE TO GO TALK TO THE PRIME MINISTER,” Kenta rumbled. “CLIMB ABOARD. I SORT OF KNOW WHAT DIRECTION THAT’S IN.”

Raiden and Ami both scrambled atop Kenta’s back, and once they were seated he took off into the sky, racing north along the coast towards Tokyo.

It was all over. The fighting had lasted only a few hours, but it was over. Nakamura’s last hope was extinguished. Raiden and her pet dragon had appeared over each military base in Southern Japan, and ordered them to stand down. Even the bases that were loyal to him had obeyed, overawed by her display of power and the spreading word of her defeat of the hidden Sentai Elite. Kokusho had been his only hope to slay Raiden. She had failed.

He contemplated the gun on his desk, sighing heavily. One of the guards had given it to him. The implication was clear. He had said he wouldn’t do it, but…

Reaching out with trembling hands, he picked up the weapon.

“That is not a path I would have you take, Prime Minister Nakamura.”

On instinct, he spun, the gun firing wildly. He’d never even held a gun before this, and the shot went wild.

Only, a pale hand darted out, and caught the bullet. He slowly lowered the pistol, dread settling in his stomach.

“So. You have come for me then,” Nakamura said, the weapon trembling in his hands. He kept it leveled at Raiden, though it was clearly useless.

“Such a small thing,” Raiden commented, studying the bullet in her hand. “Yet it can kill. I was reminded of that today. It was folly, really. Was it not a mortal who defeated me, and sent me to Japan in the first place, not so long ago?”

That comment made no sense to Nakamura, and he slowly lowered the gun, setting it on his desk. “Why have you come? To demand my life, or my surrender?”

He took a deep breath, and continued, “You may kill me, but you have killed this country as well. Without international food shipments, we will starve shortly. Our economy, already on the brink because of the decimation of the shipping industry, will collapse utterly. You will have your petty kingdom, but it will be of paupers and starving beggars.”

“I…did not realize this,” Raiden said, twitching a finger. A chair dragged itself behind her, and she sat down across from Nakamura. “I confess, I believe the land I knew was closer to Edo period Japan than the modern era, from what I have read. The population was only a few million, and we grew all our own food. Nor did we rely on foreign shipping. It seems I have erred.”

Nakamura’s jaw dropped open, and he stared at the fidgeting young woman across from him. No…she wasn’t young. She looked like she was…well, not in the flower of youth, but in her prime, no more than early 30s. And yet…there was something about her…something ancient. It wasn’t just her antiquated speech, or outdated fashion sense. It was in her eyes, her carriage…she was old.

As old as Japan, perhaps.

“You…you made a mistake?” he asked incredulously. “Did you conquer Japan by accident?”

“I did not regard it as conquest. I am a god, and this land is much like the one I hail from. At first, I even thought I had stepped through time to the future of Inazuma, though I know now this was far from the truth. This is not the land nor world I knew. And so, finding myself in a land without a guardian spirit or deity, and seeing it beset by demons and troubles on all sides, I decided I would be the God of Japan.”

She said it so plainly. As if it were completely logical. A simple fact, plain for all to see. It was sheer madness, and Nakamura’s mind rebelled. So, he asked a question.

“How on Earth did you get in here? The door is locked, and it wasn’t opened,” Nakamura said. “Do my aides even know you’re in here?”

Raiden shrugged. “I do not know if your underlings noticed my arrival. I did not wish to break the window, so I opened a gate inside.”

Right, teleportation. “Is there any power you don’t have?”

Raiden looked away, clear embarrassment on her face. “I…I do not excel at making plants grow. I know some electro-mages can work with dendro to induce a higher crop yield, but ah…crops I hasten, are, er, not fit to eat.”

She was actually toying nervously with her braid. A being Nakamura was increasingly certain was either Amateratsu, or the closest thing to it, was looking down at the floor and playing with her hair like an abashed schoolgirl. Had he blown his brains out, and this was his mind’s last fevered conjuring before life faded?

“So, you can’t improve the food situation,” Nakamura said bluntly, falling into politics mode. “That’s a problem if you insist on this Kamikaze blockade. You know, that’s what we called suicide bombers during the last war. Seems you’ve turned our entire country into one.”

“Suicide is not an option. Japan must endure and prosper,” Raiden declared, looking up, her eyes flashing. Outside, thunder rumbled.

Nakamura decided that was definitely not a coincidence. “So, what will you do?”

“How long can the nation survive without imports?” Raiden asked.

“At a good time, a few months. This is not a good time. We’ve depleted much of our stores and a great deal was destroyed in Levithan’s attack, and your little stunt. You're lucky we’re not like the other nations, where thousands died when the power went off in your battle.”

“They what?” Raiden blinked, clearly surprised. “How did they die?”

“You turned off the power. What did you think would happen?” Nakamura asked, trying to keep anger out of his tone. “I am not sorry you did it, slaying Leviathan was worth the cost in my admittedly biased estimation, and you certainly saved all of Kyushu from destruction. But you can’t just pull the plug globally and not expect some severe consequences.”

“Pull…the plug?” Raiden said slowly, a frown on her face. “Ami has used these words. They mean…to remove the electro from something?”

“If you mean turn off the electricity, yes,” Nakamura said, sudden realization dawning. “What you said…you’re not from this time, or place, are you?”

“No. I am from the land of Inazuma in the world of Teyvat. By our calendar, it was the year 514 since the Cataclysm, or 2059 years since the end of the Archon war, or 2215 years since the Reign of the First Electro Archon began, and I gained control of the main islands of Inazuma.”

Nakamura sat back, stunned. “You..you’re from the Jomon Period? And ruled though…through to the Edo Period?”

“The precise details do not matter, but yes. I have only begun to read the history of Japan. I confess…history was never my strong subject. I preferred studying the Art of War, or the making of weapons,” Raiden said with a shrug.

“What…what exactly is it you want from me?” Nakamura asked, completely baffled.

“You seem a just and wise man. You were willing to defy me, even though it meant your death,” Raiden said, putting together two contradictory sentences. “I would have you serve as one of the Emperor’s ministers in the new Tri-Commision, which shall rule Japan in my name. I am…not well versed in day to day government. I understand war, and the making of it, and how to raise and train an army. Economics make little sense to me, and my social policies have been…lacking. I need mortals like you to administer the realm, while I see to its defense.”

Slowly shaking his head, Nakamura tried to wrap his mind around what Raiden was saying. “So, you want to rule Japan…through me?”

“Among others, yes. Obviously, you have lacked a god for some time. When did Amateratsu fall? I could not find a clear date in your records.”

“Lady Shogun,” Nakamura said, and to his shock he meant it, “Before this very hour, I would have told you that Amateratsu never existed. There have been no gods in this world for…well, I honestly don’t know. Perhaps all the gods were real. Perhaps only some. I haven’t the faintest clue. I can tell you the Buddah is said to have lived around 500 BC, but that is all.”

“I see. So it has been many millenia,” Raiden said thoughtfully. “Well, it is good you have honored your fallen gods for so long, but that is no longer needed. They may be given small shrines, and I shall not outlaw their worship, but all must agree to give me yearly offerings as a show of devotion.”

“And those consist of…?”

“It depends on one's station. For the poorest, a simple handwritten prayer, or an offering of a jug of wine or rice, or some handiwork they make as a part of their livelihood is sufficient. For the wealthy, a tribute of fine metals, works of art, weapons, and sponsoring and constructing shrines in my name. What matters is not the value of the gift, but the sincerity in which it is given.”

“That seems…entirely reasonable,” Nakamura admitted. “And your position in the government?”

“I am Shogun. All answer to me, and the law derives from my will. After all, if justice comes not from a divine mandate, how is one to determine right from wrong?”

“Uh, I don’t think any of the answers I learned in school apply anymore,” Nakamura admitted. “So, we will not be a democracy?”

“I have read of this democracy. It seems eminently foolish. What does the common man know of rulership? Best for him to serve his Lord and trust in my wisdom,” Raiden said with a shrug.

Coming from the woman who just said that she knew nothing of economics, to the point she hadn’t even grasped that Japan couldn’t feed itself. That said, a foreign policy that involved telling the Yangban and the USN to stick it up their ass and having the power to back it up was extremely attractive. As was having someone around who not only would suppress troublesome parahumans, but could outright slay an Endbringer. His advisers warned him another was likely to emerge, but he couldn’t see how they’d be any worse to an island nation than Leviathan had been.

“Well, I suppose I can think of worse things than serving as your minister,” Nakamura admitted. “What of the Diet?”

“A house of fools who bicker and do nothing. They will be dissolved. If some are skillful, I shall employ them where their talents are best used. For those that have only empty air to fill a room, they can be given employment at WcDonalds. I have grown fond of their food, and their signage says they will hire anyone.”

Nakamura snorted, then despite himself, barked out a laugh. “I am sorry, Your Excellency, but-”

Raiden was smiling, and looking very pleased with herself. She’d made a joke. God was dissolving the government of Japan and making him the new minister of the Tri-Commision, whatever that was, and she was cracking jokes about putting members of the Diet to work at a fast food place.

“-I have often thought that working at WcDonalds is beyond the ability of some members of the Diet,” Nakamura admitted, slowly smiling himself.

“Excellent. Now, how can I end the Kamikaze without losing face, and ensuring that both the Chinese and the Yankees do not make war upon us, but resume trade?”

Nakamura absently cracked his knuckles. It was a bad habit, and a tell, but, well, he wasn’t certain Raiden couldn’t read his mind. Could she do that?

“Can you read my mind?”

“No, I am not Buer.”

Right. Of course. Obvious, wasn’t it?

“Well, let’s get down to business then.”

And over the next few hours, Nakamura and Raiden hashed out the basis for the new Japanese government. It wasn’t hard really, it was nearly exactly like what the political structure of the Tokugawa Shogunate had been, complete with Sentai as Samurai, and newly created noble lines at Raiden’s discretion.

Nakamura was even going to be made a Lord. His wife would be thrilled.

The Second Archon War, Imperatix Umberosa 5

Thanks to all of you for your support! I really appreciate it, and it's helped me get through a tough time. 

Sometimes, especially at night, Ami was still sad. She knew her parents were dead, and she had gone to the shrine near the Thunder Sakura tree to put up pictures of them and burn some incense in their memory. Murasaki had lit the sticks for her, and she’d said a prayer, hoping that her mother and father would be happy, wherever they were.

“Raiden, what happens to people when they die?” Ami asked, frowning at the ceiling as she lay staring up at the floor.

“They pass on to the Realm of Souls, where they remain for a time, before they are reborn anew,” Raiden answered, looking up from one of Ami’s manga. They’d brought her stuff from her old home to the hotel room, and Raiden had seemed interested in the Hello Kitty comics.

“Ok.” Ami sniffled, and Murasaki came and nuzzled at her, crooning softly.

To her surprise, Raiden set down the comic and came to kneel by Ami’s bed. “You are troubled by your parents' deaths.”

It wasn’t really a question, but Ami nodded, her throat feeling like someone had grabbed it and she couldn’t swallow. She sniffled again, scrubbing at her tears.

“Do not be ashamed. Sorrow is a part of life. Shed your tears, and then move on. A warrior must never allow themselves to look backwards, only forwards.”

“What about you? Will you die?” Ami whispered.

Raiden was silent, and reached out, stroking Ami’s hair gently. “Eventually, even the gods fade away, like the passing of thunder. But it is my will to bring about Eternity in Japan. A nation and a people who will endure forever, never eroding, never failing, an endless cycle of constant rebirth, a storm that will never cease.”

“I’d like that,” Ami whispered, sitting up and trying to smile. “Can we do something? I…I’m bored of sitting around just reading manga and watching TV…”

It had been a week since she’d been rescued by Raiden, and a few days since those jerks in Tokyo had said Raiden was a bad person. That was obviously a lie. Raiden was Awesome and Super Cool and clearly could never do anything bad, ever. That was just impossible.

“I suppose it would be good to go out amongst the people. Get dressed, and we shall go for a walk.”

The clothes that Ami had now were not like the old clothes she’d had. They were very fancy; a silk kimono, and instead of sneakers, she had the funny wooden shoes. The kimono was pretty and very comfortable, but she sort of wanted her sneakers back. Raiden wore the funny wooden shoes though, and if Ami wanted to be cool like Raiden, she had to dress like her.

Outside the hotel door, Mushu stood up from where he’d been sitting when they came out. He wasn’t wearing his sentai uniform any more, having traded it in for a green kimono. He had two swords now, which was really cool. Ami wanted a sword, but she’d been too afraid to ask Raiden. Most grownups seemed to think cool stuff like swords was too dangerous for kids, even if Ami was already eight. She would be nine on October 19th, which was almost ten!

“Take us to where there are shops. I wish to purchase several books,” Raiden told Mushu. His real name was Kenta Wang, but everyone called him Mushu anyway because he was a super cool sentai.

“As you wish,” Mushu agreed, and led Raiden and Ami outside. Furtively, Ami reached her hand out to Raiden, and smiled when Raiden silently took it. Raiden wasn’t her mom, of course, but, well, she was the grownup who was looking after Ami, so she was kinda like a mom. Murasaki floated along at her side, seeming excited to finally be leaving the hotel.

Outside, Ami looked around eagerly, watching as the people went by. Nagasaki wasn’t like it used to be, with a lot of rebuilding and many people still living in tents, which Raiden visited and sometimes Ami got to come along. Off in the distance, Ami could see the flicker of lightning as bolts reached down, striking the Thunder Sakura tree that made the electricity work.

The people moving around didn’t look as sad as they used to just a week ago. They still didn’t move about as happily as they were before the attack, but Ami could see people laughing and talking to one another. A lot of them had started wearing kimonos and wooden shoes too. It wasn’t most of them, but anything that Raiden did was automatically cool, so Ami understood why people would copy her.

The cars still mostly weren’t working, since Raiden couldn’t make gas. Kenichi said they could make electric cars to run off the Thunder Sakura, which Ami thought would be nice. For now though, they could walk, as the shops weren’t too far from the hotel.

As they went, people bowed to Raiden, murmuring prayers and thanks to her. A couple looked upset and moved out of her way without bowing, earning them a glare from Mushu, but Raiden ignored them, striding along without a care in the world.

Mushu brought them first to a bookstore that had some interesting books, but was mostly boring. It had lots of adult books, and Raiden had Mushu pick out several volumes for her about history and politics and other grown up stuff. They did have a Mulan book, which Ami asked Raiden if she could get, and Raiden said yes!

Then Raiden just picked the books up and started to leave, which made Ami pull on her sleeve. “You have to pay for them. You can’t steal.”

Raiden blinked, then actually blushed faintly. “Ah, yes. It has been…some time since I have gone out amongst the mortals. Too long.”

It turned out Raiden didn’t have any money, and the shopkeeper tried to give her all the books for free, talking about what a great honor it was to have Her Excellency grace their shop.

“No. An offering can be of food or spirits, or of one’s self, but not a book,” Raiden said firmly. She wrote out a note, which she sealed by burning an intricate design of three spiked helixes and sakura blooms upon it. “Take this to the treasury, and they shall give you what you are owed.”

“Uh, my lady…I can just use my credit card,” Mushu said, coughing and handing it over.

“Credit card?” Raiden asked, frowning.

“Uh, yes. I suppose I could pay with cash, I do have my wallet with me,” Mushu explained.

Then Raiden made Mushu get his wallet out, and show her the various bills and coins he had. She held up a 500 yen, studying the Paulownia plant on it. A bit of electricity sparked, and Raiden shook her head. “I sense no potential within this piece. It is not like mora. What investiture gives this coin value?”

“Well, uh…” Mushu looked helplessly to the shopkeeper, who looked embarrassed.

“Daddy said money is a ‘fiat currency.’ I dunno what that means but he said that we don’t use gold or silver or sea shells anymore, and that money is just valuable because we say so. He said something about dollars and oil too but I didn’t understand it,” Ami explained. She pointed to the coins and bills. “Those are yen, not mora. They make ‘em at the bank and daddy watches them until people do some work, then he gives the money to their boss and the boss pays them and that’s the ‘economy.’ Daddy said the economy was bad because Leviathan was eating all the ships and Japan was getting poor, but you killed Leviathan so now we can be rich again!”

“Your father was a banker?” Raiden asked.

Ami nodded, then sniffed and looked down. “Yeah. I miss him.”

“He seems a wise man, to have instructed his daughter so well. Thank you, Ami,” Raiden said, and patted Ami on the head. That made her feel a lot better, and she smiled happily.

Mushu got to carry the heavy books, which was a lot like when daddy went shopping with Ami and mommy. When they left, Raiden saw an ice cream store, and walked over, looking eagerly at the sweets.

“No, you haven’t had dinner yet. You have to eat your dinner before you get ice cream,” Ami said, pointing to a WcDonalds. “Also, they got ice cream there too, and also burgers!”

Raiden wrinkled her nose. “I do not wish to eat a booger.”

Mushu snorted and started coughing, while Ami sighed heavily. “No, a BUR-GER. And fries! And don’t say flies, it’s not funny. Come on, I’ll show you!”

Soon, Raiden and Ami both had Happy Meals. She hadn’t realized until she’d ordered that Raiden was a grown up and probably didn’t want a Happy Meal, but Raiden didn’t seem to mind, taking out her burger and studying it.

“Thanks for the food!” Ami said. She paused, considering. “Do you say thanks? Since you’re the Thunder God and all.”

“I say thank you to whoever has prepared a meal for me. It is only polite. I…I do not cook. After the last incident…so many dead…it is best if I do not.”

Ami shrugged, and eagerly bit into her burger. Raiden ate as well, her expression lighting up as she tried the greasy food. “This is quite excellent! It reminds me of cuisine from Mondstadt! They favored bread, meat, and potatoes as well, though not in such a wonderful combination.”

“Where’s Mondstadt?” Ami asked curiously, taking out her toy. Darn. She got the stupid cricket Cri-Kee instead of a cool one like Mulan with her armor or Mushu and his gong.

“It is…far away,” Raiden said absently, looking sorrowful for a moment.

“What toy did you get?” Ami asked, pointing to Raiden’s box as she fed Murasaki some french fries.

Raiden reached within, pulling out Shan-Yu, which made Ami sigh.

“You got the bad guy…”

“Hmm, yes. A villain most foul,” Raiden agreed, and picked up her drink. She took a sip, and her eyes shot open wide. She hastily guzzled it, then pushed the cup at Mushu. “I require more! What was that nectar?!”

“Um…coke?” Ami said. Not knowing that she had just introduced the Raiden Shogun to both highly concentrated sugar AND caffeine in one cup. The world would never be the same.

Raiden ended up drinking six cups of coke and eating an extra large ice cream cone, and most of Ami’s extra large ice cream cone, because Ami just ate the cone and left the part in the cup alone.

“An excellent repast. Now, where is the store that sells the Hello Kitty books?” Raiden asked.

“You mean, a manga store?” Ami asked. She suddenly grinned. “Can we get Card Captor Sakura!? Mom says I’m old enough now, I have the first volume!”

“Yes, I intend to find more of Sakura’s adventures, I found them most interesting,” Raiden agreed.

“Uh, are you sure, your excellency? That’s otaku stuff,” Mushu said, looking a bit uncomfortable.

“Yes. I must read the rest of her adventures,” Raiden decreed, and Mushu reluctantly led them to a manga store.

Upon arrival, Raiden went up to the awestruck proprietor and demanded, “Do you have Cardcaptor Sakura?”

“Um…yes?” the owner said, slowly standing up and looking a bit confused. The other patrons of the store looked equally awed, several of them bowing to Raiden or whispering amongst themselves.

“I will take one of every volume. Do you have any other works by the author? What was their name?”

“CLAMP!” Ami supplied. “And my friend Natomi told me about Inuyasha! Do you have that too?”

“Uh…yes…yes we do! I see you’re a shojo fan, your Excellency!”

“I am not a little girl,” Raiden said darkly, looking suddenly baleful.

“I am! We want manga!” Ami said. Then she noticed the figure of Sakura, in her cute outfit with her staff and some cards too! She raced over, eagerly taking the figure off the shelf. Then she noticed the price tag, and her expression fell: 5000 yen was definitely too much.

“Ah, you have a toy of Sakura. Ami would like it. She would also like the one of Syaoran, and the stuffed Kero as well,” Raiden ordered.

Yen signs in his eyes, the shop owner hastily piled up several dozen volumes of manga and the expensive figures.

“Tell me, do you have a card game known as Genius Invocation TCG? I had heard tell of it before,” Raiden asked.

“Genius Invocation TCG? Can’t say that I have,” the shop owner said. “We, uh, we have Pokémon cards though…”

“I like Pokémon!” Ami said eagerly.

And that was how they bought every single booster box the store had, along with a link cable, two Game Boys, and Pokemon Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow. Mushu was looking a little worried by the end of the spree, but Raiden patted him on the shoulder.

“Do not fear, the treasury will refund you.”

“You don’t have a treasury,” Mushu grumbled.

“Do we not collect taxes?” Raiden asked, sounding puzzled.

“Er, well-”

“I must speak with the Mayor then. Taxes should be levied, and a portion given to the Shogun as tribute,” Raiden said with a shake of her head. “I always let Yae or the Tri-Commision handle such things, but it seems I have been lax. I will rectify this.”

“As you say,” Mushu said, sighing. “Good thing I had some savings from before. Guess I”ll need a merch line now that I’m on the side of the angels.”

“Wait, are you Mushu?! Can you sign some stuff for me!?” the owner asked.

Mushu opened his mouth, but Ami held up a hand. “Only if you give him a discount!”

She wasn’t really sure what that was, but her mom was always saying you should buy things if you could get a discount.

“How does 10% sound?” the owner offered.

Ami looked at Mushu, who shrugged. She turned back and gave the owner a thumbs up, and Mushu and Raiden signed several things before they left, Mushu now heavily laden with the results of their spree.

Ami skipped along, Murasaki floating along with her, content. It was getting late, but she wasn’t sleepy yet. This was the most fun she’d had in a long time, and-

Murasaki suddenly growled, and Raiden held out a hand, protecting Ami. An instant later, there was a popping sound, and five people, four men and a woman, appeared in an alley nearby.

One of the men yelled something in American, and all four men ran forward, howling like demons. Ami screamed and ducked down as one drew a knife, which became a dozen knives, and threw them all with a gesture at Raiden. Another split into two and jumped Mushu, both clones bearing clubs with nails hammered into them. Another assailant grew four additional arms, a gun in each hand pointed at Raiden. The girl in the alley conjured up a bubble around herself, floating into the air as she drew a gun as well..

“Inferior,” Raiden said in a bored tone.

She drew her sword in flash, and both the men attacking her fell to the ground, dead. There was a roar behind them, and Mushu became a long, sinuous dragon with whiskers that crackled with lightning, twin horns of purple crystal. Man cried out and made another clone, but Mushu’s claws ripped both in half before his breath flickered out, lightning striking the man dead on the spot.

The fourth survived, but only because Murasaki had zapped him with lightning, causing him to fall to the ground, where the little dragon pounced on him, savaging the man’s face with savage bites.

“Get him, get him Murasaki!” Ami urged. She looked up to see the bubble woman screaming and firing her guns. Raiden jumped into the air, slashing with her sword, which sparked slightly. Ami’s eyes went wide as she realized that Raiden had just cut the bullets out of the air. Then Raiden cut the hand of the girl off, and drove her to the ground.

“Who are you?” Raiden asked, even as the girl screamed and wailed, holding up stumps that gushed blood and made Ami feel sick. No. That girl had tried to hurt her and Raiden! She was a Bad Guy!

“Hmph.” Raiden touched the girl, and lightning flashed. The bleeding stopped, but the girl whimpered, cradling her smokin stumps to her chest.

“I ask again: Who are you?”

“Fuck you, Nip. Leviathan rise again!” She said in broken Japanese, then the woman started speaking American, apparently only having learned the Bad Words in Japanese.

“Pathetic,” Raiden said with a snort. She stood, even as two policemen ran down the street, blowing whistles frantically. The people around them had panicked, some running, others falling to the ground in horror and awe.

“Take this wretch into custody. And that one as well, if he lives,” Raiden said, motioning the groaning man Murasaki had finished with. His face was a bloody mask, which made Ami realize that having WcDonald’s and ice cream for dinner wasn’t healthy as she brought it back up.

Raiden ended up carrying Ami home that night, and putting her to bed. As she lay there, Raiden gently stroking her forehead, Ami asked, “Can I learn to use a sword like you and beat up bad guys?”

“Of course. The blade is an important art for any young lady of breeding. We shall begin your instruction tomorrow,” Raiden agreed.

Ami decided her new mommy was amazing all over again. Even if she did get very sick with what Mushu called “lactose intolerance” later that night.

Once, the sight of not just one, but two United States Carrier Battle Groups had been enough to bring any rogue nation to heel, and check even global powers like the now defunct USSR or the former People's Republic of China. It had been the ultimate expression of global military power, unmatched in its might and ability to be anywhere on the global in a frighteningly short amount of time, then deliver a massive amount of firepower even far inland.

Now, Alexandria mused, she herself could sink every ship in the fleet in relatively little time. There were few major countries that didn’t have at least one or two capes capable of the same, be they a tinker with a superweapon, a blaster who could melt holes in the best ship’s armor, or a master who could drive the crews mad and turn them on one another.

The day of the common sailor or soldier and the machines they used being supreme on the battlefield was over. That said, the United States still had a powerful military, and its carriers were still a potent expression of political and military will.

Still, the fact that the aging CV-62 Independence was a part of this fleet showed the decline of even US military dominance. The aging carrier should have been retired by now, but with global shipping devastated and the once unstoppable US economy teetering on the brink, there had been no new carrier hulls laid down, and the Navy was doing its best with what it had.

For now, Alexandria was aboard the flagship CV-66 America, engaging in some of her least favorite duties.

“-confirmed it was the Fallen, specifically the Cowleys who attacked Raiden,” Ambassador Christopher was saying, looking at some papers in his hands as he continued his report. “We sent you the footage we managed to get.”

“I saw,” Alexandria said, making a slight face. It had been utterly brutal and ruthless. All five Cowleys, considered potent enough capes on their own, attacked from complete ambush and even broke the Rules by using guns.

They had been like sheep to the slaughter. Raiden had barely even slowed down, and Mushu had revealed a new form. It was odd for a Shifter to show what was a radically different form after an established one, but not unheard of. The little girl was some sort of Master or perhaps Tinker, and they had to gather information on her as well. Reports indicated Raiden had taken on an orphan as a ward after killing Irezumi for killing the girl’s parents. Not unusual for a nascent warlord to take on other capes, though what Raiden was doing buying a bunch of comics and toys was anyone's guess.

Or whatever Raiden’s fixation with Mulan was. Alexandria hadn’t seen the movie, she didn’t have time for such things, but it couldn’t have been that good.

“There were two other attacks today. Seems there are enough idiots willing to take you up on that insane Kill Order you issued, but they were all small timers who were turned into grease stains before anyone could ID them,” the ambassador continued.

“The real heavy hitters will bide their time,” Alexandria said with a shrug. “The Crowleys are to be expected. They were Fallen cultists, and Raiden just killed their god.”

“Speaking of gods, I know it’s in the report, but I want to reiterate that Raiden’s started a genuine religious movement here,” Christopher warned, taking off his glasses and frowning into the camera.

“Japan had various cults that worshiped capes before, and it’s hardly unique in that,” Alexandria said dismissively. There were even some groups that worshiped her, which was unbelievably creepy.

“Yes, but those didn’t break into the mainstream. Ms. Alexandria, I don’t think you fully appreciate how widespread the worship of Raiden has become here in only three weeks,” Christopher said, his tone half pleading, half grim. “The newscasters are referring to her in ways that indicate divinity. Shrines everywhere have put up pictures or totems to her as the reincarnation of Amateratsu or the Buddha or what have you. She’s got serious groundswell in a country that if you’d asked me last month I would have said was mostly indifferent to religion.”

“She’s that popular already?” Alexandria asked, frowning and sitting up slightly.

“No offense, but she’s an Endslayer. People are grumpy the world over from what I can tell, though a lot of folks are also upset because of that whole power outage thing. A few claim it wasn’t her, but I think that’s just denial. That’s not really an issue in Japan, as power was mostly out here anyway. We got hit by those Earthquakes, sure, but it’s real hard to tell which of those were from Leviathan trying to sink Kyushu and which were from Raiden,” Christopher explained.

“In your evaluation, is she a threat?” Alexandria asked.

That got a snort from the ambassador. “Now you ask me? Bit late for that. Sorry, sorry. The answer is complicated, but my gut says yes. She’s got Tokyo real nervous, and she looks like she’s making a power play. She’s even declared herself the Shogun, you know what that means?”

“I’m aware. That’s going to tap into Japanese nationalistic sentiment.”

“No kidding. She’s got some support in the government from the rightwingers, and some moderates. Generally the types who don’t like us filthy gaijin anyway, a sentiment Raiden shares. My analysis is that she’d be an unmitigated disaster for the United States if she takes power. Almost as much of one as that Kill Order was.”

“It was necessary,” Alexandria stated firmly. “We cannot be seen to allow capes to escape the consequences of their actions even if they can take out an Endbringer. The price was too high.”

“I think the Japanese would mostly disagree with you,” Christopher sighed, as someone from off camera called to him. “They-what? No shit? Right now?”

“What’s going on?” Alexandria asked.

“Turn on the news,” Christopher said. “BBC’s picked it up, so has CNN.”

Alexandria turned on a second television, and a moment later tuned it to the news.

“We return now to our latest breaking story: The CUI has declared war on Raiden earlier today, along with the People’s Republic of Korea. Analysts are reporting that there’s a massive build up of ships outside Japanese territorial waters, and that they have made comments that the Yangban will take any means necessary to remove Raiden, up to and including an invasion of Japan.”

“Fucking hell,” Christopher swore, shaking his head. “This is gonna be bad.”

“Let Japan know that the United States and the Protectorate can do nothing to intervene so long as Raiden remains at large,” Alexandria said, standing.

Christopher’s eyebrows rose. “That’s the play? Well, I’ll need to check in with the State Department and the President before I do anything.”

“Make the call, and do it fast,” Alexandria said, and turned off her television. Then she went to inform the Admiral. Things were accelerating quickly. But so far, all according to plan.

Within the Imperial Palace in Tokyo, an old man sat with his advisors in the garden, sipping tea. Unlike many of those in the City, the Emperor remembered the last time Japan had been at war, and the disastrous consequences. Though he had left the city during the Firebombing of Tokyo, he had seen the aftermath, and had known many who had died in that great conflagration and the war.

“So, China looks to settle its grudge with us,” one of the other old men commented as they watched the sunset.

“So it seems,” the Emperor agreed. During his life, the Emperor had never had any real power. His father had been more than just a figurehead at the start of his reign, but had not ended it as such. Privately, the Emperor had always felt his father had led the country to ruin and somewhat envied him his throne. But only in his weaker moments.

“What will we do?” another asked.

“I have already done something,” the Emperor said quietly, looking into his cup of tea.

“You’ve spoken to the Prime Minister?”

“Yes, but he insists we can solve this matter with diplomacy, or perhaps the Americans,” the Emperor said, making a face.

“That’s folly! Surely we could-”

“I have made my decision. I may not have the power of my ancestors, but I am still the Emperor. Prepare the throne room for the morning,” the Emperor ordered, and stood, groaning softly as his old bones ached. He was too old for this. The world he’d been born into had been different. No capes. No demons. No gods. How much had changed.

He went to his bed, where he embraced his wife, then lay down, unable to sleep. In his mind, he had already resolved that he was to be the last Emperor. A small price to pay.

He arose before dawn, and dressed in his finest robes, then seated himself on the Chrysanthemum Throne.

And with the dawn, She came.

She was dressed in antiquated purple lacquered armor, with an ornate kabuto and menpo that showed the face of an angry god, lightning flashing in her eyes. She bore the two swords at her side, not even discarding them to come into his presence. She was accompanied by a dozen retainers, each of them dressed in a traditional kimono and bearing the swords of samurai, their backs emblazoned with that three forked helix she had taken as her symbol. At her side, of all things, was a young girl of no more than eight, who bore her standard. Odd, that choice. The standard was of the finest purple silk on a traditional sashimono that depicted a purple background, with a white circle that showed a sakura tree bearing more of the triple forked helixes.

Though her retainers bowed to the Chrysanthemum throne, she did not. The reporters in the room quietly took their pictures as their cameras rolled. The Emperor was old, but he knew how the game was played. He stood from his throne, something that simply was not done.

And then he bowed. Not too deeply, a bow between equals. And Raiden returned it, though slightly less deep than his.

Perhaps that was appropriate, considering what he was about to say.

“Lady Amateratsu. Japan has need of you once more,” he said.

“Speak, Emperor of Japan. I am listening,” Raiden said, her voice crackling like thunder through her mask, and filling the room to the point that many flinched.

“Once more the land comes under threat, from one more grievous than even the demon Leviathan that assaulted our shores such a short time ago. We are beset on all sides. We name  you our Shogun, and ask that as Shogun, you defend Japan and its people from these foreigners who would destroy us,” the Emperor said, raising his fan and pointing towards the West.

“So I have heard. There is a legend in these lands. The legend of the Kamikaze, the Divine Storm that swept away barbarian hordes that would have destroyed this land twice before.”

Raiden slowly rose up in the air, a nimbus of power beginning to radiate around her as she spread her arms. “I am the Kamikaze. I am Raiden, the Narukami Oshogo, God of Eternity and of Japan. These mortals shall know my wrath for daring to insult me, and threaten my people. Know this, O Emperor. Your prayers are answered this day. No foreign soldier shall set one foot upon my soil, no alien vessel of war shall foul my waters. I go now, so that the Divine Storm will safeguard Japan once more!”

With a crackle of thunder, Raiden vanished. the Emperor sank back into his throne, feeling exhausted.

It was done. But at what price?

Forward Unto Johto, Chapter 3

Commissioned by Stormed

Beta'd and Edited by Dr_Feelgood and The Grand Cogitator

The raft ride was rather awkward, but mercifully rather short, as after only a few minutes they arrived at the other side of the broad river, where Titus and Mel dragged themselves ashore.

“I’m Lyra, by the way, thanks for asking,” the girl said as she picked up her exhausted blue mouse thing. “And again, what the fuck?! Who picks a fight with a tyranitar and then lures it off Mount Silver!?”

Titus looked up from where he was helping Mel bandage her wounds and grimaced. “Uh, Titus Rann. This is Mel…Delta.”

The Spartan raised an eyebrow, but nodded. “Apologies, ma’am. We were unaware that creature was there. Thought it was a bear.”

“You keep saying ‘bear.’ I’m going to assume you don’t mean a Beartic, because those are native to Unova. The hell are you talking about?” Lyra demanded.

“Uh…It’s an…ursine animal, with a ring marking on the torso?” Titus offered.

“Ursine…you mean an ursaring?” Lyra demanded, looking completely disgusted with the situation. “Is that what happened to her? She got mauled by an ursaring? Did you try to box it or something?”

“Knife fight, actually,” Mel grunted, standing now that her wounds were treated. “We stumbled upon it and it’s young. It attacked, and unfortunately the only weapon we had was a knife.”

Lyra’s mouth flopped open, and she just goggled for a moment. Then she managed. “Don’t…don’t you have any Pokémon? No one’s crazy enough to go up Mount Silver without a strong team, and who the heck fights an ursaring THEMSELVES!? You’d die!”

“Uh, we’re…sorta new. We’ve traveled over from Kanto,” Titus said, digging the name of the country nearby that he vaguely remembered. This was supposed to be Johto from what he recalled.

“Kanto. Do they not have Pokémon in Kanto? OR COMMON SENSE!?” Lyra demanded, going red in the face and breathing hard.

She suddenly took a deep breath and turned away, taking several breaths, in and out. When she turned back, she was smiling and looking slightly less apoplectic. “I’m sorry, I don’t normally curse out strangers like that. Are you two from a mental hospital or something?”

“We’re uh, just travelers. We figured we’d study the local wildlife, and, well, tour Johto and see the sights,” Titus offered lamely. He really didn’t know how to talk to civilians.

Lyra gave them both a completely disbelieving look, threw her hands up in the air, and started to walk away. “Come on, Kotone. I do not have time for this bullshit today.”

“What should we do?” Titus whispered to Mel.

“Shadow her, with a leaping overwatch formation. If she becomes hostile, we take her out, nice and clean,” Mel answered in her own low voice.

“Mel. She’s a civilian girl with a blue mouse thing. She’s not a hostile.”

“Oh. Uh, we…protect the civilians until…” Mel scrunched up her face, looking worried. “I’m…not certain. The only civvies I’ve spoken to are base personnel of some kind.”

“Right. Just let me do the talking.” Titus jogged a bit to catch up to Lyra, who steadfastly ignored him. “Look, we’re really grateful for you saving us. You really pulled our bacon out of the fire and we appreciate it. So, thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Lyra muttered, though she didn’t look at Titus. She did jump a little when the earth shook slightly, head jerking around to see Mel falling into step with Titus. “Oh, um, I guess your friends hurt pretty bad huh? I guess we could take her to a hospital, but…The nearest one’s 15 kilometers away in Cherrygrove City. Could you even make it that far?”

“Fifteen clicks? Easy morning jog,” Mel said with a shrug.

“Er, you sure? You look pretty beaten up,” Lyra said uncertainly.

“We can hoof it, though we’ll have to double time, it’s midafternoon,” Titus said, nodding to the slowly sinking sun. Rotational period was about 25 hours, which was pretty perfect for humans.

“Yeah…maybe we should just see the professor. He’s got plenty of experience treating pokemon, and no offense, but you’re big enough to be one,” Lyra said, looking Mel up and down. She was definitely taller than any woman Titus had ever met before. Actually, Mel was probably taller than any person he’d met before, period. She was well over 2 meters tall, probably something like 210 centimeters, and easily over 100 kilos.

Though if he’d learned anything from vids and books, it was that you didn’t discuss a ladies weight. Especially when she could knock your head clean off with a good punch.

“Professor?” Titus prompted.

“Yeah, Professor Elm? You know, the premiere expert on Pokemon in Johto?” Lyra said. She saw the blank expressions on Titus and Mel, and gasped. “Oh my trio. You seriously don’t know!? What kind of backwater are you even from!? That’s like not knowing who the champion is!”

“Yeah, that would be pretty embarrassing,” Titus laughed. Shit. He had never really followed sports, being on an ONI project meant there was basically a media blackout, and, well, not many sports when your race was struggling for survival.

Lyra came to a complete stop this time, her eyes bugging out of her head. “Seriously!? Come on! Ok, tell me right now: Who’s the Champion?”

“Freddie,” Titus said instantly.

Mel gave him a flat look. “Lance Wataru is the current champion of the Pokemon League for the combined Kanto and Johto region, having won the title off Red Satoshi in their rematch five years ago, and has been undefeated since.”

“Oh thank the guardian, you’re not completely clueless. Freddie. You’re funny, Titus. Well, come on, Professor Elm will probably be able to help treat you at least a little,” Lyra sighed, and picked up the pace, her blue Pokémon hopping along beside her.

“Thanks, how’d you know that?” Titus whispered as they walked.

“It was covered in the briefing. You were there too, you know.”

“Yeah, and that briefing was super boring. I sort of zoned out. I missed a little detail like who the champion was. Champion of what, anyway?”

“The Indigo League. I am…not certain what that is, but it seems to be a role of some importance.”

“I’m starting to think we’re a little under prepared for this shit,” Titus muttered.

“First time as a mushroom?” Mel asked, her face blank, but her eyes sparkling.

“Seriously? I didn’t think they treated Spartans as badly as us grunts.”

That earned a snort from Mel. “Please. We were just as expendable as any other tool to the REMF brigade. There’s a reason you never heard about the Spartan IIIs. Too many of us died to live up to the Spartan myth.”

“Well, you’re still a stone cold badass. No way could I have taken that bear bear-handed.”

Mel nodded, then frowned at Titus’ shit eating grin. Then she rolled her eyes. “Very funny.”

“You did exercise your right to bear arms!”

“Well it’s an ursaring around here. Though ‘ursa’ does just mean bear.”

“Really? Do you think she’s bear-ing us a grudge?”

In response, Mel awkwardly rooted around one-handed in her belt kit, and pulled out some tape.

“What’s that for?” Titus asked.

“You know what they say: Silence is golden. But duct tape is silver.”

“Wow. I didn’t know Spartans made jokes. Good thing that wasn’t really a joke.”

“What’s a Spartan?”

Titus and Mel both turned around to find that Lyra had fallen back and was frowning at them.

“They were a group of ancient warriors from the Homeworld. I’m a history buff,” Mel answered.

“Homeworld? Do you really believe that crazy legend that humans came from outer space?” Lyra asked, sounding curious. “The Professor says that human relics only go back a few hundred years, but I dunno, it sounds kinda crazy.”

“What? Where do you think we came from, if not from Earth?” Titus asked, too baffled to hold back.

“Well, obviously Arceus and the Creation Trio made us along with all the Pokémon. I mean, I guess if you’re an atheist or whatever you might not believe that, but I mean come on! Lord Arceus making us totally makes more sense than people coming from space,” Lyra said with a laugh.

Titus tried to mimic Mel’s stone face, but to his surprise Lyra nodded. “Yeah, you two totally believe the alien theory, I can tell. I don’t judge. Whenever I ask a question Mel goes all scary. Were you in the army or something? You don’t look like you’re older than I am.”

“We’re both vets,” Titus said hastily, trying to give Lyra a disarming smile.

“What, did your Pokémon die in the war?” Lyra asked, rolling her eyes. “Never mind, don’t even bother lying to me. This is why mom says I’m too nice.”

They walked for another few minutes in uncomfortable silence, before arriving at the outskirts of a small town. It looked rather idyllic, like something out of a prewar tourism vid. Mel and Titus both just stood there, staring for a few moments. Titus even found himself crying a little. How long had it been since he’d seen humans living in peace, without fear, in an intact city? There weren’t even any places left on Earth that hadn’t been ravaged by war and privation to one degree or another. While most of the fighting had taken place in Africa, there had been bombings and food riots the world over.

And up until now, he’d thought Earth was the last place humans still survived, save for a few living in isolated terror on worlds the Covenant hadn’t glassed. Now, he saw a flourishing human city, free of care. And it was too much.

He sat down on a rock and just cried for a little bit. Mel stood beside him, hand on his shoulder, but her own eyes weren’t dry.

“Uh, are you two…?” Lyra now looked deeply concerned, but she seemed to sense that this wasn’t a time for words, and was quiet herself. She started to look thoughtful, obviously reevaluating the situation.

“Sorry, it’s just…that’s what we were fighting for, you know?” Titus said, motioning to the peaceful town.

“Yeah…I guess? Seriously, what WERE you two doing in the mountains? And just how long were you there for? What sort of pokemon did you see?”

“Eh, you know. The usual,” Titus said vaguely. Then he snapped his fingers. “Say, when we’re taking Mel for treatment, you know a vet? We found a little guy getting his nest raided by these fast mongoose things.”

“Yes, they had sharp claws, red feather crests, and were attacking a nest,” Mel agreed. “I would also like for Alex to get  looked at, to ensure he is in good health.”

“Uh, do you like…not know the names of the local Pokémon?” Lyra asked, frowning. “Well, the professor can help if you found something exotic, come on.”

They walked along paved streets, with barely any vehicles moving along them. There were a few cars and trucks, but there were more bicycles, and to Titus and Mel’s astonishment, lots of people riding on what had to be Pokémon. They saw one man riding a flaming unicorn much like Mel’s, complete with saddle and bridle. There was a family in a cart being pulled by large bulls, and a young boy riding atop a dog with the coloring of a bengal tiger.

Titus did his best not to act like a wide eyed tourist, and Mel did her best impression of a rock, but he could see Lyra studying them and the wheels turning in her head. She seemed to be uncomfortably observant, though not hostile and rather good natured. For someone who had a murderous T-rex lured to their fishing spot, she was shockingly polite.

Near the center of the town, they found a small sized school campus with a large wooden sign with “Celadon City University: New Bark Town Research Campus.”

“Come on, let’s go see Doc Elm,” Lyra said, motioning them towards the central building. The campus had wooden boardwalks as paths, with plenty of trees and flowers planted along them. There was a stream and even a pond, with a fair few students and researchers walking along the path or sitting on benches in the shade. There was a greenhouse, animal stables, and a few other buildings that seemed to be school houses or laboratories. The central building itself was rather quaint looking, with wooden construction and a tiled roof, though it did have large glass windows to let in plenty of natural light.

“I was expecting something smaller than this,” Titus admitted. “Are you sure we have clearance for this site?”

“You just check in at the front desk and get a visitors badge if you really care, though most people don’t bother. I just graduated so my student ID is still good,” Lyra said with a shrug. That both did and didn’t answer Titus’ question, but he and Mel followed Lyra not to the front entrance, but to a side down.

As they were about to enter, Mel paused. “You there! Unidentified civilian! Come out from behind those bushes and be recognized!”

There was a muffled swear, and a young man with dark red hair, broad shoulders, and a sour expression stepped out from behind a tall shrub. “What? Can’t a guy find a quiet place to read?”

“Lyra, do you recognize this man? He appeared to be conducting unauthorized surveillance?” Mel asked.

“No. Are you lost? Visitors entrance is that way,” Lyra said, pointing and frowning. “Do I need to call campus security?”

The boy shoved his hands into the pockets of his black jacket, which Titus noticed and some later patches where it looked like an insignia had been ripped off. “I’m fine. Mind  your own business.”

He strode off along the path at a brisk pace without turning around, and Lyra shook her head. “I would meet all the freaks and weirdos today. No offense, guys.”

“Uh, none taken,” Titus said, glancing at Mel, who had gone stone faced again.

They stepped inside the building, into a somewhat cluttered lab. Despite the rustic exterior, the interior had the bright white lights, hard tile flooring, and metal walls of a more modern building. However, the computer in the corner looked painfully out of date. The laptop perched on a back table had a blocky, largish case, and there were no touch screens to be seen. Instead, large mechanical inputs abounded, with flips, toggles, or keys to press. The machinery was ergonomically designed for the lab, but was far more cumbersome than anything the UNSC would have used on all but the most absolute backwater colonies. If those still existed.

“Oh hey, Lyra,” a dark haired young man said, looking up from a machine. He looked rather similar to Lyra, though he seemed to be a few years older. “Didn’t expect you back so soon. How’d the fishing trip go?”

“Not so great, Ethan. I caught a bunch of goldeen and magikarp, so at least Kotone got some fighting experience,” Lyra sighed. “Is the professor in? Or maybe Nurse Joy, I found some strangers on Mount Silver and they’re a little beat up.”

Ethan looked up from his work, seeing Mel’s injury for the first time. “Oh damn, that looks nasty! What’d you do, fight a Pokémon yourself?”

“Yes. Yes they did,” Lyra sighed.

“Heh heh,” Ethan said awkwardly, then seeing Lyra’s disgusted look and Mel’s blank expression, he paled. “Oh, um…let me just see if the professors are done, they were-”

“We’ve finished, Ethan, thank you,” a thin, bespectacled man with a receding hairline in his middle years said, stepping into the lab from a side room. He was followed by a square jawed older gentleman with bushy dark eyebrows and iron gray hair. “Oh, didn’t expect to see you so soon, Lyra. And who are these two?”

“Hey Dad, this is Mel and Titus. They’re some weirdos who decided to fight an ursaring and tick off a Tyranitar. Mel got banged up, because of course she did, and I think both of them are brain damaged somehow so I figured I’d bring them by for you to study. Hey Uncle Oak!”

“Good to see you again, Lyra. I can’t believe it, you’ve graduated already. Congratulations!” Oak said, smiling at Lyra. Then his gaze shifted to Titus and Mel, and he frowned. He glanced down at their shoes, cocking his head to one side. “Those are very strange shoes. What are they made of?”

“Uh…rubber? And…leather?” Titus ventured, looking down at his jump boots. It was a weird question, and he frankly had no idea what they were made of.

“Standard issue, sir. They’re made of polytetrafluoroethylene, combined with genuine leather, nylon, and other synthetics, and made in an extra large size for kicking Covy ass,” Mel responded with the automaticity of something that had been drilled into her and was spit out whenever it demanded. Apparently, Spartan drill instructors were weird, and anal.

Lyra rolled her eyes. “You know what your shoes are made of, but you don’t know who my dad is. Honestly, I can’t decide if you're cool or just strange.”

Professor Oak laughed, rubbing the back of his head. “Sir? Well, that does make me feel my age I suppose! This isn’t a classroom. At ease, both of you.”

Instantly, Titus and Mel fell into “at ease” posture, hands behind their backs, legs shoulder width apart, eyes straight forward. Both of them apparently also realized what they had done the moment they did it, but neither broke their stance. Mel looked especially awkward with one arm in a sling, but she did her best.

“Hmm. Interesting. And where did the two of you say you were from?” Elm asked, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

“Kanto, sir,” Titus responded, having to force himself not to bark his answer like he was on parade, sweat beading on his brow. He was not cut out to be a spy, dammit.

“Will you knock it off? Mel’s hurt, and Titus said he had a Pokémon that was hurt I think,” Lyra said, nudging Titus with her hip.

He blushed, and pulled out both his Pokéballs, then blinked at them. He had no idea which was which. Well, he had a 50/50 shot, so he threw one onto the floor. Out flopped Floppy, who let out a gurgle of delight.

“A magikarp. You went climbing Mount Silver…WITH A MAGIKARP!? You are the worst Pokémon trainer in the history of everything, ever,” Lyra said, putting a hand over her face.

“Whoops, wrong one,” Titus muttered, and sucked Floppy back into its ball. He let out the other one, and the green rock lizard appeared.

“Lrrrrrr?” the creature let out a soft growl, then hastily scurried over, hiding behind Titus’ legs and looking frightened.

Lyra’s jaw dropped, and she gaped as Titus picked up the creature, letting out a soft “oof” as he cradled it in his arms. It was surprisingly warm and docile, looking up at him with an expression of utter trust. “We found this one as the last survivor of a nest. Some dangerous looking mongoose things were raiding it, they cut me and Mel up pretty good, but we saved this guy. Or gal. Uh, you know how to sex this species?”

“You…you took a baby larvitar out of the nest!? You…you are crazy,” Lyra said, slowly shaking her head. She bent over, examining the hatchling. “Hmm, the crest is taller and pointed forward, the diamond shape has clear ribbing…it’s a bit hard to say, but I think it’s male. What about you, dad?”

Professor Elm stepped forward to examine the larvitar, which hissed at him and wriggled closer to Titus’s chest. He wished it wouldn’t do that, as it was HEAVY. At least 60 kilos.

“Hmm, yes, I’d agree. He does look bruised. Lyra, have him put it through our Pokehealer, and I’ll take a look at you, young lady. You are tall, aren’t you?”

“They grow us tall where I’m from, sir,” Mel said, sounding a bit defensive.

Lyra took Titus and the larvitar over to a machine that looked a bit like an incubator, and had him set the Pokémon inside it. She closed the lid, and there was a faint humming sound as it glowed softly. “There, he should be good in a few minutes. I guess you’re both crazy and awesome. He was pretty hurt, and I don’t think he would have survived in the wild, but messing with a larvitar nest means you really hacked off mommy tyranitar. No wonder she came after you.”

“To be fair, I didn’t quite think that far ahead,” Titus admitted. “I was just worried about the little guy. Will we be able to release him back into the wild with his mother?”

“Wow, you’d just give up a larvitar? That’s…noble of you. Or dumb. Anyway, we’d have to check with my dad or Uncle Oak, but probably not. He’s clearly bonded with you already as his trainer. He’s too young to be able to survive breaking that bond, so he’s yours to take care of. Fortunately, Larvitar mostly eat rocks, dirt, and the occasional berry so they’re pretty cheap to care for.”

“What about the other one? It’s a magikarp, right? What does Floppy eat?”

“You named a magikarp…” Lyra snorted, then let out a giggle. “Ok, that’s kinda cute. You are odd, Titus, but I think I like you.”

That made Titus blush, but he pretended to ignore it. “So what’s a magikarp’s diet?”

“Whatever fits in its mouth really. They’ll eat almost anything organic and a few things that aren’t. It’s a bottom feeding species like whiscash after all,” Lyra said with a shrug.

“Huh. Ok, what about the flaming unicorns?” Titus asked curiously.

“Flaming…uni…?” Lyra blinked at him. Then shook her head. “Never mind, you’re definitely crazy. Come on, it’ll be a while before the Pokéhealer finishes. Let’s check on Mel.”

Elm was just standing, shaking his head. “Your physiology is… fascinating. Young woman, please come with me, these will need sutures and I think you’ll need a full medical exam.”

“Oh, uh, I don’t know if I’d be comfortable with that, sir,” Mel said, shifting awkwardly in her seat.

“Don’t worry, I don’t mean I need you to disrobe, I just need to check your vitals and do an X-ray. And if you’d prefer a female physician, I’ll have Nurse Joy help. She usually works with Pokémon , but she’s seen to more than a few hurt students.”

Giving Titus a helpless look, Mel let the gangly professor, who was nearly half a meter shorter than she was, out of the room and down a hall.

“Hmm, very interesting friends you found,” Oak commented. He glanced at Ethan, who was pretending to work but had mostly been eyeing Mel. “Ethan, do we have any of the graduation gifts left over?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, in the case over there. I think there’s a few of each left,” Ethan said, motioning to a locked cabinet at the back of the room.

“Did you get one yet, Lyra?” Oak asked.

Lyra blushed as she went over and unlocked the cabinet with a key. “I was gonna wait. Didn’t want anyone to accuse my dad of nepotism or something if they ran out.”

“Tell you what, for rescuing that young larvitar, you can take one as well, Titus,” Oak said.

“Uh, OK,” Titus agreed. There were three rows of Pokéballs, with just one of each left. They were marked with small symbols: a green leaf, a red flame, and a blue teardrop.

Lyra took one of the leaf marked balls, a huge grin on her face. “I’ve always wanted a chikorita! I’ve been jealous for years.”

“Grats, sis,” Ethan said, and gave a politice golf clap, which earned him a smile and a middle finger from his sister.

“Oh! Um, sorry professor,” Lyra said, blushing and hastily lowering her hand.

Oak laughed. “Ha! If you think I haven’t seen that before, you have something else coming, young lady. Go on, Titus.”

“I bet he hasn’t a clue,” Lyra said. “You know what’s in these?”

“Uh…Pokémon?” Titus ventured.

“Wow. You’re so smart. A real genius. Ok, look. They’re the standard NBU starter mons, which conform to the IPL standards for a certified Pokemon University. Our grass type is Chikorita, which I took. There’s some left if you have taste or are a total copycat. Then we have the water type, Totodile if you’re a poser like my brother.”

“I’ll kick your ass and you know it, Lyra,” Ethan called.

“Remind me, how many gym badges did you get before you gave up and came home?” Lyra asked sweetly.

“Whitney cheats and everyone knows it!”

“He got two,” Lyra confided to Titus, who had no idea if that was good or bad.

“Then we have the fire type, cyndiquil,” Lyra finished, pointing to the fire marked balls.

“Uh, cyndiquil?” Titus said, taking a red marked ball.

“Tryhard,” Lyra said, rolling her eyes. “Well, let’s have our inaugural battle, as is tradition.”

“A fight? Uh, no offense, Lyra, but I was in, I mean, I was in the military for a while and I’m not half bad at CQB. Do you even have any training in hand to hand?” Titus asked, not certain what Lyra was asking.

She rolled her eyes and poked Titus in the bicep. “No, dumbass. I’m not stupid enough to challenge someone crazy to pick a fight with an Ursaring and a Tyranitar to a punch out like some sort of barbarian. I mean a Pokémon battle!”

“Oh. Um, I guess they would make pretty effective fighters,” Titus said, chuckling nervously.

Lyra gave him a baffled look. She seemed to do that a lot, and it made him feel rather inadequate. “You were in the military. Didn’t you, like, fight with Pokémon?”

“Sort of, I had a partner named Spot. She was a…velociraptor?” Titus offered.

“Huh, haven’t heard of that species. What type?” Lyra asked.

“Dino…saur? Um, theropod?” Titus guessed.

“Dinosaur/theropod? I think you’re talking nonsense. Uncle Oak, have you heard of a new type or a species called velociraptor?” Lyra demanded.

Oak shook his head slowly. “No, but I don’t know everything. Why don’t we go to the lab’s arena and have you show Titus how to battle?”

“Sure, I guess. I can teach him how to wipe his own ass while I’m at it,” Lyra muttered.

That made Titus’ face burn. “Hey, listen, just because I’m a dumb marine doesn’t mean you get to insult me like I’m some kind of boot who doesn’t know his finger from his dick.”

“Geeze, relax. But you are pretty clueless. You’ve seriously never had a Pokémon battle before?”

“I’m sure you haven’t either Lyra, seeing as you just got your trainer's license this morning,” Ethan said, giving his sister a malicious grin.

“Uhhhh….nope! Total battling virgin! Um, I guess this will be a learning experience for both of us!” Lyra said, glancing nervously at Professor Oak.

The professor laughed and put a hand to his heart. “My students, having secret Pokémon battles before they get their official license? I couldn’t imagine such a thing?”

Blushing, Lyra nodded and scurried out of the lab, showing Titus to another room, this one somewhat larger, designed like a gym but with an astroturf floor and marked lines in white on it.

“Right, well, first you bow to your opponent,” Lyra explained, walking to the other side of the field and bowing to Titus.

He returned the bow, then Lyra held up her pokeball. “Well use just one pokemon each, since well, your larvitar is healing and a magikarp is basically not worth counting anyway. Go, Chikorita!”

“Chhhhhkkkkk!” out of the ball came an odd, somewhat lumpy looking pokemon with a green leaf on its head. It looked almost like a living squash or melon instead of an animal, but it skipped around Lyra’s legs happily.

“Aww, you’re so cute!” Lyra said, bending down and hugging the chikorita. “Hmmm…I’ll have to see how you act in this battle before I give you a name. That OK?”

“Rrrrrttaaa!” the Pokémon hooted, and sprang to the center of the field, taking an aggressive stance and glaring at Titus.

“Uh, well…come on out, Cyndaquil!” Titus said, and tossed his own ball down.

“Quilllll!” Out popped what looked like a small black and tan hedgehog with an elongated snout, though when it cried, flames flickered along its back quills.

“Right, I’ll be the referee for this match,” Oak said, stepping to the edge of the field at the midline. “Match will be until I deem one pokemon can no longer battle. Are you ready?”

“Hold up, I guess I have to explain things,” Lyra sighed. She pointed to the two pokemon, who were glaring at one another with hostile intent. “Your Pokémon is basically freshly hatched, and doesn’t have much experience in fights or had much training to learn more complex moves. You’re best off with the really basic stuff. Since both our Pokémon are quadrupeds with no sharp claws, they’ll know Tackle as their basic move. They might maybe be able to use a simple Growl or Tail Whip, or if they’re really smart an elemental move like Ember or Vine Whip, though you’ll probably have to spend some time training before they learn that.”

“Right, so… they know those basic verbal commands? Anything else?” Titus asked.

“No item usage, because that’s lame and against standard rules anyway,” Lyra said with a shrug. “So don’t worry, I won’t Potion halfway through the fight, and I didn’t give my Pokémon a berry or something when you weren’t looking.”

“Right. Sure. Me neither,” Titus agreed. “Um, hey there, little guy. You ready to fight?”

“Cyn!” The little pokemon agreed, and its back flames flared up.

“Super. Uh…I think I’ll call you…Spiny. Right. Um, tackle, Spiny!”

“Quilllll!” the fiery little hedgehog cried, and jumped forward at its opponent.

“Chika! Dodge to the side, then counterattack with Tackle!” Lyra ordered.

Her Pokémon was a bit slow to obey, taking a glancing hit from Spiny, but it spun and shoulder checked Spiny, causing him to squeal in pain.

“Spiny! Heel!” Titus barked, wanting the pokemon to retreat back to his side. That order just seemed to confuse the little pokemon, who pawed at the chikorita, not doing much to it. “Shit! I mean, tackle!”

Titus was too slow though, as Lyra barked out, “Tackle it, Chikorita! Pin him and don’t let up!”

The two Pokémon tussled, with Titus calling out frantic encouragement along the lines of “Hit ‘em, Spiny, don’t let up!”

Lyra was more tactical, ordering, “Scare him, use Growl! Now, Tackle again! Try a Razor Leaf!”

The razor leaf order had the Chikorita try to use the leaf on its head like a blade, but it missed, apparently unused to that tactic.

After a couple of minutes, Spiny was bruised and exhausted, and Oak raised a hand. “Spiny is unable to battle! The winner is, Chikorita and Lyra!”

“Chika!” the plant pokemon cried, and Lyra ran up, scooping it into a hug.

“Great work! Hmmm, you’re a girl, so…how about Kei!”

“Chhhhiiii!” the pokemon said, and nuzzled Lyra happily.

Titus, for his part, knelt by the battered Cyndiquil, who looked up at him dejectedly. “You did good, champ. Sorry, I don’t know much about a Pokémon fight, and we haven’t practiced together. We’ll do better next time, OK?”

Spiny nodded, looking relieved, and Titus picked him up. “Should we put him in the healing machine?”

“Yeah, you can pop him in there with your Larvitar. Please, do not name your larvitar ‘Rocky’ or something lame like that,” Lyra said, shaking her head. “You gotta name it something interesting. Powerful.”

“Uh…well…he does look like a rock…and mountains are big rocks…what about Denali?” Titus suggested.

“Uh, I’ve never heard of a Denali Mountain, but that’s better than Rocky. Good job!” Lyra said, giving Titus a thumbs up.

He sighed, and nodded. They put both Kei and Spiny in with Denali.

“Lyra, why don’t you and Ethan go get us something to eat. I’m sure Titus is hungry, and I could eat,” Oak said, coming over and resting a hand on Titus’ shoulder.

“Sure thing, we’ll get some bentos from the cafeteria,” Ethan agreed, and Lyra nodded, frowning as she saw Oak’s hand on Titus’ shoulder.

“You’re not going to beat him up, right Uncle? He’s weird but Titus seems like a good guy.”

“An old coot like me, take on a strapping young man like this? Ha, I don’t think so!” Oak laughed.

Lyra shrugged, and waved to Titus as she left. “Take care, don’t go anywhere Mr. Weirdo. I haven’t finished with you yet. You owe me for ruining my fishing trip.”

Once the door was shut, Titus turned his head to look at Oak. “Uh, sir?”

“Well, Titus. If that is your name. Why don’t you tell me about Rayquaza, and why you and your friends attacked the World Guardian,” Oak said, his voice suddenly ominous.

Titus swallowed. He really was an awful spy.

The Second Archon War, Imperatrix Uberosa 4

Brought to you by Korean Writer on Patreon

Beta'd and edited by Dr_Feelgood and the Grand Cogitator

Glancing outside his office window, Prime Minister Nakamura frowned. Once again, the sky was cloudy, and thunder rumbled faintly. It did not appear natural, as usual, with an odd purple tinge to flickering light. This time of year, it should have been clearer, with the cold weather bringing less rain and clear skies as fall took hold.

This year had been different. First, Leviathan, who had brought torrential rains and flooding to most of the islands, and now this. Everywhere in Japan, the lingering thunderstorms with odd lightning were increasingly reported.

Ever since She had arrived.

He turned back to the long and exhausting meeting as his ministers argued on.

“-complete control over all of Kyushu, and now most of Shikoku and now parts of Chugoku and Kansai!” the Minister of Transport was ranting, pointing to the map pinned to the wall.

“Are not those the areas most affected by the attack?” the Minister of Justice Ishihara pointed out. “Those are the areas we lost control of anyway in the evacuation. She simply moved in, and gave the needed aid and support this government could not.”

“What concerns me is the number of our Sentai that are pledging themselves to her!” The Minister of Parahuman Affairs, more commonly called the Sentai Bureau ranted. “Half my teams have rededicated themselves to her!”

“Does that surprise you?” Ishihara countered. “None of our Sentai forces could stop Leviathan, not even the Elite. And she’s doing what the Sentai failed to do for years: she’s rooting out the Yakuza, destroying them utterly.”

“Yes, and you should be ashamed!” another minister said, pointing an accusatory finger at Ishihara. “She is holding executions! Public executions! Without your ministry's approval or warrant!”

“She is subverting the government and the rule of law!” another minister pointed out.

“The Sentai had broad legal powers already, and I have granted her an official warrant as a deputy of the Ministry of Justice. Her executions are now sanctioned retroactively,” Ishihara said, pulling out a paper and holding it up.

That caused even Nakamura to let out a cry of outrage, though he held up a hand, and the rest of his cabinet quieted quickly enough. “You are out of line, Minister Ishihara. This is a gross violation of your powers.”

“Apologies, Prime Minister, but I believe these actions are necessary,” Ishihara said, bowing to Nakamura. “Lady Raiden has done what the Sentai could not. She has done what the government could not. She has defeated Leviathan, restored order in regions ravaged by disaster, crushed the criminals, and prevented looting. She is the Spirit of Japan, come to save us, and I will do all in my power to aid her.”

“If we had just waited for Alexandria and the protectorate, we could have-” the Sentai minister began, but in a display of extreme rudeness and a complete breach of protocol, Ishihara interrupted him.

“To lean on the Americans?! Again!? After they abandoned us, after they HUMILIATED us? They would have caused more problems! The American sentai have been present at most Endbringer attacks! Tell me, how many have they stopped? None! And yet, Lady Raiden has only stopped the attack on Japan, but slain the demon kaiju! She is the one we should look to, not gaijin!”

“You go too far,” Nakamura warned. He’d been forced to take on Ishihara in his cabinet, despite his own moderate political views and Ishihara’s extreme nationalism.

But ever since the Americans had been forced to pull back as even they reeled from Endbringer attacks, a collapsing global economy, and internal strife brought on by rampaging capes, sentiment in Japan had turned increasingly hostile towards the USA. Japan had not forgotten its defeat during World War II, and while many like Nakamura recognized that since then the US had extended the hand of friendship to Japan and been far more magnanimous in victory than Japan deserved, they were becoming an increasing minority.

“And you do not go far enough! We have an opportunity! A chance to make Japan great again, for our nation to once more be recognized as-”

“You would have us go back to the days when we were a military junta ruled by maniacs who led us to ruin!”

At that point, even Japanese politeness broke down. These men were exhausted, barely sleeping since the start of the attack nearly 10 days ago, and had been under enormous stress and strain. The Diet was still deadlocked about what to do, and was of little help, with the nationalists like Ishihara raving that Japan should embrace Raiden as some sort of new shogun, while the left wingers wanted her gone, and the moderates were caught indecisively in the middle.

Just then, there was a loud knock at the door, and Nakamura bellowed, “QUIET!”

They had told everyone they were not to be disturbed save for an emergency, so this had to be dire indeed, and not just midmorning tea. When the Cabinet had quieted themselves and sat back down, a junior minister hastily went to open the door.

Nakamura’s pale-faced secretary entered, bowing hastily, then rushing over to whisper into Nakamura’s ear.

What he heard turned him purple with rage. “THEY WHAT!?”

“It’s true, sir. It’s on the news now,” the Secretary said. “The US Ambassador called half an hour before the announcement, but you had said not to be disturbed so-”

A TV was turned on, and Nakamura watched as the image of a PRT press secretary came on, a very irate looking Japanese anchor in the corner of the screen explaining what was being said.

“-again, the American PRT has publicly announced a Kill Order on Her Excellency Raiden, Savior of Kyushu. Ever since that fateful day, Her Excellency has worked tirelessly to rebuild Kyushu and the surrounding affected regions of Shikoku, Chugoku and Kansai. However, the Americans are claiming that Raiden represents an existential threat to humanity, and must be stopped, calling her a warlord who is seizing-”

“Turn it off,” Nakamura growled, his hands clenched into fists. He found he was standing, glaring at the television, his face aflame with anger.

“Do you see?” Ishihara asked, his own voice trembling with reflected anger.

“Yes. For once, I think we are all in agreement, yes?” Nakamura asked.

The jerked nods from around the table and angry faces told him all he needed to know.

“Invite Raiden to Tokyo. I will meet with her myself. This is a Japanese matter, which will be dealt with by the Japanese. Not by meddling foreign governments. I want a very strongly worded letter sent to the American embassy by- no. Summon Ambassador Christopher. I will have words with him in person. Draft an official announcement that we condemn this impeachment on our sovereignty, and that the Japanese government will deal with Raiden and her illegal actions ourselves,” Nakamura ordered.

The ministers all went into action, and the announcement that would label Raiden as a criminal went out.

And the countdown to the collapse of the Japanese government began.

Once, Waikiki Beach had been the premier tourist destination in the world for those looking to relax and experience the near perfect weather of the Hawaiian Islands. Now, Alexandria was helping with clean-up operations, again.

Like most islands, Oahu had been hit hard by the coming of Leviathan, with frequent storm surges. Though the Endbringer had never visited Hawaii, the aftershocks of its attacks and the global downturn of tourism had devastated the shoreline and economy both.

Perhaps with Leviathan slain, things would turn around for Waikiki. A small silver lining that many of the residents of Oahu wouldn’t live to see.

Grunting, Alexandria lifted up another bit of rubble, grimacing at the body she found inside. It had been a week, and the smell was atrocious, but she tried not to let it bother her. She could, of course, have simply stayed at the PRT base, or even just flown aboard one of the ships of the Pacific Fleet that were even now heading towards the East China sea, but she preferred to do something productive.

A cheer arose, and Alexandria looked up, smiling. The locals had certainly been appreciative of her help, as the several colorful leis around her neck testified. Then, she saw what the cheers were for, and her blood ran cold.

A golden figure was lifting a section of rubble not far from her, and rescue teams rushed in. There had been a pocket, and somehow, several people were still alive. The crowd applauded wildly, shouts of “Thank you, Scion!” or “The Golden Buddha!” echoing through the tattered streets.

As had been reported, at least Scion wasn’t naked anymore, though that in and of itself was a concerning development in some ways. How much time did they really have left? Their predictions said decades yet, but, well, the predictions hadn’t accounted for something like Raiden.

For a moment, the golden harbinger turned and looked at Alexandria, and she nearly forgot to breathe. She forced herself to smile and wave. After all, Scion was a hero in the eyes of the public, and so was she. Until that dark day came, she had to preserve that illusion.

Then he was gone. Flying up into the sky, to do another “good deed” somewhere else on the globe.

Shaking her head, Alexandria got back to work.

Sometime later, as she was helping to shift more rubble, a voice called out to her.

“Hey there, beautiful. Fancy going to a lu’au?”

She looked down to see a smiling golden haired man looking up at her. Unlike Scion, however, seeing this man brought a genuine smile to her lips. She set down the rubble carefully, then floated down.

“I don’t know, I was holding out for a hero. Have you seen one?” Alexandria teased.

“Damn, I would get a mirror, but I’m fresh out!” Hero laughed. He jerked a chin at the rubble. “You set for a break? Some of us actually can get tired, and I’m pretty worn out.”

“I suppose. I thought you were on Maui?” Alexandria asked, sitting down next to Hero. “Though a lu’au seems in bad taste at the moment.”

“Well, we can at least get dinner and enjoy the sunset. Split the bill of course, wouldn’t want anyone to get ideas,” Hero said, putting a hand to the side of his mouth and looking around.

“I suppose. It’s been a long day even for me,” Alexandria said. She waved to one of the local capes. “Honu! I’m knocking off. Be back in the morning.”

“Mahalo to you both! Take a break, you deserve it!”

Alexandria nodded, and she and Hero both lifted off into the sky together, his jet boots surprisingly quiet. “New model?”

He nodded, grinning. “Just finished them! You know me, always-”

“Tinker,” Alexandria said with a groan, then laughed. “So, do we go as Alexandria and Hero, or Rebecca and Wyatt?”

“Neither!” Hero took out two pairs of glasses from a pouch, handing one to Alexandria. “Full body disguise! I call ‘em the Groucho!”

That brought another laugh, and Alexandria smiled. Even in the darkest of circumstances, Hero always could get a laugh out of her. “That sounds nice, actually.”

They changed at the PRT offices, then left wearing the glasses, looking like two tourists from a bygone era. They walked to a local diner one of the local officers had recommended and sat down, completely anonymous. It was nice. While Hero could slip into anonymity as Wyatt Jones, Rebecca Costa-Brown was well known enough that it was hard to have a quiet dinner alone.

“Ooo, a Loco-moco! Never tried one of those before. What are you having?” Hero asked, looking up from his menu.

“I’ve always liked sushi, I’ll try the poke bowl and have a Diet Coke.”

“What, you on a diet? Thought you couldn’t gain weight,” Hero teased, and Alexandria stuck her tongue out at him. The waitress came by to take their orders, then collected the menus and left them with their drinks.

“So,” Hero said, his tone growing serious as he set down his beer. “Raiden.”

“Hmm?” Alexandria looked up, baffled. Shop talk? This wasn’t like Hero. When he took time off, he took time off. No one worked harder or longer, but he was one of the biggest proponents of the secret identity and separation from being a hero. He had more than once voiced his disapproval that Alex didn’t ‘take time off’ as Director of the PRT wasn’t exactly a proper civilian identity.

“Don’t ‘hmmm’ me. A kill order, Alex? What the fuck.”

That got Alexandria to blink. In or out of uniform, she rarely heard Hero swear. “I thought it was obvious.”

“The hell it is!” Hero kept his voice low, but his tone was angry. Furious, even. “Alex, she killed an Endbringer. We should be throwing the woman a ticker tape and erecting statues in her honor! Not putting a bounty on her!”

“And killed millions in the process, not to mention assaulting Fancy Feet. He nearly died, he’s still in recovery with a concussion. And she’s clearly got a god complex and is turning into a warlord who’s more dangerous every day!”

“Is she? It looks to me like she’s stepping in and providing order and stabilizing a region. She’s from freaking Nagasaki, Alex. How hard is it to believe that someone who grew up with A-bomb survivors would be a little upset with American intervention in her backyard?”

“I can’t believe this. You’re defending a narcissist warlord who killed more people at a stroke than any parahuman before her, and could set us back to the stone age!”

“And I can’t believe you’re alienating someone who could give us a chance against HIM. You saw today, didn’t you?” Hero demanded.

Alexandria’s stomach did a flip flop, and she looked away for a moment. “I did. But we’re supposed to be the good guys. We’re not talking people who are an existential threat. You’re the one who’s always helping me remind Eidolon and Legend that the ends don’t justify the means.”

“And you’ve been in this business long enough to know that sometimes, no matter what you do, actions have unintended consequences, and as much as we hate it, people die because of us. Do you think I should go to prison because I fried that family in Denver last month?”

“You had no way of knowing they were in that basement. And you had to take out Bubonic as fast as possible, because the deaths were mounting every second that monster was alive. Don’t compare yourself with her.”

“Well, I still can’t sleep at night, and a fat lot of good my plea of ignorance did for the Bennings,” Hero said quietly, playing with the ice in his glass with his straw.

Alexandria sighed, leaning back against her booth. “Are you going to go public with this?”

“Do I look like an idiot?” Hero said, snorting derisively. “No. I just wanted you to know I think this is wrong. We can still rescind the kill order. Try to mend the bridges. Raiden’s maybe the biggest hope humanity has had in a long time. Maybe she could even stand up to Him.”

“And maybe she could destroy any chance we have of fighting him by stripping us of our technology. It’s not a risk I’m willing to take, and neither was the Doctor,” Alexandria said, shaking her head.

“I’m not saying I don’t understand your reasoning. Just that I think you’re making a mistake, Alex,” Hero said, meeting her eyes steadily.

She nodded slowly. “Understood. Complaint registered.”

“Good.” Hero suddenly smiled. “Hey, how about dessert too? We could get shaved ice! Always wanted to try real Hawaiian shaved ice!”

And just like that, shop talk was over. Alexandria let the conversation move on, but she felt a seed of doubt within herself now. This was the right thing to do. It had to be. Because if they were making a mistake…they might just be giving up their best shot at taking out Scion and preventing the end of the world.

But she had made her choice. She was saving the world. She had to be. She was Alexandria. And upon her shoulders, rested the burden of the world. For a few minutes, she tried to set down that burden, and enjoy a dinner with one of her best friends.

Because soon, she’d fly off to war again.

Like most of southern Japan, the city of Matsuyama had been hit hard by Leviathan’s assault, with the local populace losing power, and one local gang trying to seize control. With the Sentai Elite mostly wiped out prior to Raiden’s arrival by Leviathan and the rest of the Sentai scattered and exhausted, one gang, the Rengo-Kai, had seized control. They had possessed several rather powerful parahumans, including a Master who had been able to dominate birds to the extent that he’d named himself Hitchcock and not only had a very powerful spy network, but could also enhance various birds to attack others. While he could only control about a dozen killer fowl at once, combined with a couple of Brutes and a very powerful Blaster who could enhance the kinetic impact of objects to the point that she could make a pellet gun into a handgun, and a rifle into a rocket launcher.

They’d ruled the city for about 24 hours, sowing terror and executing the local police chief and mayor.

Then Raiden had caught wind of them, and they’d lasted about five minutes, because that was how long it had taken her to track them down.

The birds may as well have been gnats to Raiden, who could not only move far faster, but had swatted them out of the sky with precisely aimed bolts from the blue that had killed them and then their creator in short order. The first Brute, who was about a two tonner with mild shaker powers that let him create small shockwaves. Raiden had simply disarmed him, by the experiment of cutting off his arms. The other had surrendered, being rather less powerful, and had lived through the fight.

The blaster might have been able to imbue bullets with enough kinetic force to destroy a tank, but Raiden appeared to consider bullets to be somewhere on the side of “far too slow” and had found her efforts entirely laughable. When it became clear that Raiden could both dodge and deflect projectiles that weren’t literally as fast as lightning, the blaster surrendered. She, along with most of the gang, had been taken alive.

Now, however, Raiden seemed to be set on making an example of them, and Kenta had come along with her to see justice done.

The gang members, capes and normals alike, were lined up in the city square, hands bound behind their backs, forced onto their knees.

The capes at least seemed to expect they’d be allowed to swear allegiance to Raiden. Kenta, after all, now known publicly as Mushu, was known in the parahuman community as a yakuza member, and he now stood at her right hand. Other capes with checkered pasts had been allowed to swear allegiance as well, though there was one key difference:

In the crisis, they had put aside their villainous tendencies, and helped.

“Come on, let’s get this over with. I’ll swear allegiance. I’m strong, you know it! I’ll be a good asset,” the brute said, looking up at Mushu.

He looked to Raiden, who was facing the crowd. “These individuals stand accused of grievous crimes: that they have violated the dictates of Eternity, and committed the grievous crimes of banditry, murder, rapine, use of a Vision against the State, and treason against Eternity itself.”

For some reason, Raiden insisted on calling anyone with powers a “vision holder” and powers “visions,” and so far no one had been dumb enough to argue with her.

“Is there anyone who would speak in these men’s defense?” Raiden demanded.

“No! They killed my son!” one distraught man cried, holding up a picture of a young man in a policeman’s uniform. “We demand justice!”

The crowd murmured their agreement.

“Very well. Then I find the accused guilty. For this, there can be but one punishment,” Raiden said.

Kenta stepped forward along with several sentai who had sworn allegiance to Raiden, including Kaiga, who was looking faintly green. They all had authentic katanas, and were dressed in rather traditional looking kimonos, with the purple eye with triple bladed helix emblazoned on the back as Raiden’s personal heraldry. Kenta drew his sword, his expression grim. This could have been him.

“What!? You can’t do this!” the brute cried, standing up and breaking his bindings, despite them being reinforced. He roared, his skin glowing slightly as he rushed towards Kenta.

That was expected, and Kenta transformed. Not, thankfully, into a little dragon. It seemed that if his powers kicked in outside of combat, he’d turn into a gag character. Inside of combat, they worked as well as ever. His skin scaled over, and he breathed out fire, slamming the other parahuman to the ground.

He raised his sword, or rather, Raiden’s sword. The blade crackled, and he brought it down, hard. He wasn’t exactly a kendo master, but he had decent aim. After a couple of chops, he’d separated the man’s head from his shoulders. He picked it up, then held it up. A few of the others were fumbling, and several of them, especially the former Sentai, looked sick, but they did as Raiden had instructed.

“Such is the fate of all who defy Eternity,” Kenta bellowed, his breath coming out hot enough to singe the hair of the dead man. “Let all who would rebel against the Almighty Narukami Oshogu be warned now: such is the fate of traitors!”

There were a few gasps of shock from the crowd, and one woman, the former deputy mayor, stumbled forward, looking outraged. “This is not right! There was no trial, no investigation, no judge!”

Raiden gave her a cold stare. “Do you dispute their guilt? The time to plead for their lives was given, and you did not give voice.”

“No, I…I saw that one kill Mayor Fujimoto myself, but…surely…this cannot be justice!”

“This is the dictates of Eternity,” Raiden said simply, and turned away, walking to the edge of the square.

There, Kenta saw Kenichi, a mousy looking man who was some sort of engineer, and one of Raiden’s most fervent followers. He bowed to Raiden, motioning to a place he had marked, and a pile of steel girders had been placed.

“It is not good for the people of this city to be deprived of the blessing of Eternity. Therefore, I return to you your electro now,” Raiden declared, and raised her hands.

The steel girders crackled with power, rising into the air and molding themselves into the shape of a tree. Lightning struck from on high, and the metal turned white hot. Within moments, it cooled, and as it did so, a tree of living metal bloomed: a sakura tree, covered in sparking purple blossoms, roots diving into the earth and pumping power into the electrical grid.

Around them, traffic lights flickered on, and the hum of power filled the city.

The horror of the crowd turned instantly to awe, and Kenta shook his head slowly in admiration. He understood this from his time at the Yakuza. The bosses would bring harsh punishments, but could also be magnanimous. The carrot and the stick. Raiden had a deadly strick, true, but the blessings she offered were nearly incomparable.

The bodies were disposed of, and Raiden held a feast, offering up food for the hungry citizens of Matsuyama. Despite offerings of meat, the fancy desserts he knew she loved, and other choice offerings, Raiden refused all by the meanest bowl of rice for herself.

“Until all our people may sleep with full bellies, I shall not partake of more than is necessary for sustenance,” she said.

Kenta himself took only a little rice, though he would have to eat more later. He needed to fuel his powers somehow, and while it didn’t all come from calories, when he was weak and hungry he struggled to use them. He glanced at Raiden, frowning when he saw she’s barely eaten even the rice. “Don’t you need to eat?”

“Gods do not sup upon dishes as mortals do. We enjoy the act of eating, and the vessels which we inhabit require a small amount of sustenance, but this is not what sustains us. Instead, we live upon the offerings and prayers of our followers,” Raiden explained.

Off to the side, Kenta noticed Kenichi writing furiously. The man had recently shaved his head, which was an improvement considering he’d been balding, and was dressed now in something similar to Buddhist monk’s robes, complete with the straw hat, though that was now hanging loose on his back as he carefully wrote down Raiden’s words. The main difference in the wardrobe was the addition of the same three spoked helix, the same as the one on Kenta’s own kimono.

“All this,” Kenta said, gesturing to his robes and twin katana, as well as the very traditional mats they knelt on as they watched the citizens receive the meals and go to sit under the blossoms of what was being called the Thunder Sakura. “Are we cosplaying or something? Are you trying to found a religion?”

“These are connections to the past of Japan. To truly embrace Eternity, one must know your roots. The past must be inextricably linked to the present, and thus to the future as well. I shall bring about a land unchanging, unswayed by the storms of this world. No more will Japan be adrift in the sea of time. It shall be as the Sakura: ever renewed, blooming anew again and again.”

Kenichi’s pen scribbled furiously, and he looked up at Raiden with a gaze of pure religious ecstasy. He was far from the only one. Already, paper prayers were being hung from the lower branches of the sakura tree, and several young women had put on miko’s robes. Before long, Kenta knew a shrine would be constructed here. He had never given much of a damn about religion, and particularly not shinto. He was half Japanese, but to most people that made him all outsider. So why should he care?

Kaiga appeared from out of the main government hall, running forward to where Raiden sat. She abased herself as before the Emperor, which as far as Kenta was concerned was only right. The Emperor was some stuffy old man with no power. Raiden was the most powerful individual in Japan, if not the entire planet.

“Your Excellency, urgent news!” Kaiga gasped, holding out a sheet of paper. “The Americans, they, they have…”

Raiden took the paper and read it. As she did so, the sky overhead darkened. There were always clouds that formed wherever Raiden went, but now thunder rumbled, and lightning flashed at her ire. “So. They have shown themselves for the snakes they are.”

“The kill order…you will be in danger, your excellency!” Kaiga said, looking up with horror in her eyes. Like most of the surviving sentai, she had decided to devote herself utterly to Raiden to make up for the shame of her inability to save the people on her own.

Raiden snorted, and with a small flash incinerated the paper. “Let them come. This would not be the first plot against me, nor the first foreign power to attack me. Tell me, what do you know of the American god?”

“American god?” Kaiga asked, and looked to Kenichi, obviously baffled.

“America is a godless land of heathens that worship only money and power,” Kenchi said, bowing.

“That’s a load of bullshit,” Kenta snapped. “Even I know that! They’re Christians.”

“Christians. What is the domain of this Christ?” Raiden asked, sounding ominous. “He has declared war on me, and thus shall pay.”

“Uh, pardon, Raiden Shogun, but…there are many Christians the world over. The headquarters of theirs is in Rome, Italy. But…their god is not like you. He is dead,” Keiga explained.

“Ah. Then he is like Orobashi no Mikoto, whom I slew many centuries ago. Then these Americans are of no consequence, for they have no god to protect and guide them,” Raiden said dismissively.

“That’s a mistake. Don’t be an idiot,” Kenta told Raiden. That drew gasps of shock and horror from Kenichi and Keiga, and several other listeners cringed, apparently expecting a smiting to unfold.

“Oh? Explain,” Raiden said, her voice calm. She didn’t appear angry, and Kenta breathed a sigh of relief as he continued.

“The Americans have the most and probably most powerful capes in the world. What you’d call Vision Holders. Alexandria is practically invincible, can move faster than a jet, and slap around an Endbringer almost as well as you. And she’s not even their strongest. Eidolon is probably the strongest cape in the world. As far as I can tell, his powers are ‘yes.’ I don’t know all the details, I don’t think anyone does, but he can have whatever powers he wants at any given time, whether that’s shooting lasers out of his ass, hitting nearly as hard as Alexandria, or reading your damn mind.”

“I see. They sound formidable,” Raiden said, her brow furrowing slightly.

“I’m not even done. Legend actually CAN fire lasers out of his ass, or anywhere else, and those suckers are seekers. You can’t run or hide from him. Then there’s Hero, who’s a tinker and his power is also basically ‘yes.’ He makes everything from jetpacks and rayguns to weird stuff I don’t understand. And those four are just the big names. America’s a big country, and they’ve got hundreds, maybe thousands of capes running around. So don’t go acting like them putting a hit on you isn’t a big deal. You get your ass killed, and we’re all up shit creek.”

“How dare you!” Kenichi snapped, bristling at the crude words. “Watch your tongue when speaking to her Excellency!”

Raiden held up a hand, forestalling Kenichi. “Mushu is my familiar, and has the right to chastise me. After all, even a god is not infallible.”

“Of course, your excellency,” Kenichi said, bowing to both Raiden and Kenta. “Forgive me, honored familiar.”

Kenta bit his tongue, barely avoiding telling Kenichi he’d honor him with a boot up his ass if he called Kenta a familiar one more time.

“As for assassins, let them come. Many have braved the Lightning’s Glow before, and few have survived. Mushu is one of the few,” Raiden said, picking up her bowl of rice and nibbling at it.

“To be fair, I had an Endbringer to hide behind,” Kenta said with a chuckle. He glanced down at his own empty bowl and made a face. He definitely needed to eat more later.

Seeing his expression, Raiden picked out a bit of rice from her own bowl and held it out to Kenta. “Even the demon beast was poor shelter against the Musou no Hitotachi. Here, my pet. For you.”

Kenta blushed, taking the gesture as more of one a lover would make. He couldn’t deny Raiden was an extremely attractive woman, and he was more than a little infatuated with her. Of course, she really did see him as more of a pet than a peer, but he was too prideful to realize that just yet.

He took the rice, blushing and muttering, and causing Kenichi to scribble on his paper furiously. Was the man writing a religious text or a fanfic?

They hadn’t been eating long before Raiden looked up, then stood, holding a hand out to Kenta. “The Kusanagi no Inabikari.”

Mushu handed her the sheathed blade, and a moment later, three figures landed in the square in perfect formation. The leader was a tall, somewhat thin man in a white sentai uniform, a golden sash about his waste. He was Yoshi, also called the Morning Star. His powers allowed him to create ropes of pure light that were practically unbreakable. At his right dressed in green was Jugan, a powerful Brute and Master, who could enhance his allies’ strength and durability to nearly his own level. And the third was called Ryusei, a powerful pyrokinetic dressed in red. All three wore some tinkertech hoverboots, standard issue for them as Sentai Elite.

“Raiden!” Yoshi called. “Word has come: a warrant for your arrest has been issued by Prime Minister Nakamura, in response to the American Kill order.”

“What crime am I accused of?” Raiden demanded, speaking loudly. She gestured to the feast around her. “You interrupt the people at this meal, in celebration of the liberation of this city.”

Jugan stepped forward, looking at where the heads of the gang that had oppressed the city were. “Is that the scum who killed the mayor and attempted to take over?”

“It is. I have rendered my judgment. They were traitors, murderers, and thieves. Tell me: where was the arrest warrant for them?” Raiden asked, her voice calm, her scabbarded sword held at her side.

“Raiden Shogun, your crimes are as such,” Ryusei said, their voices distorted and muffled by an electronic scrambler. Even before Ryusei could speak, the crowd erupted in outrage, many of them stepping forward in protest.

“She has saved our city!”

“She defeated Leviathan!”

“Gave us food!”

“Turned the power back on!”

The sentai elite didn’t flinch back, but the crowd was growing restless and angry. Polite and rule abiding these people might generally be, but they were also frightened and Raiden had been the only source of stability for them. The shouts grew angrier, and the crowd pressed closer.

“Enough.”

Though Raiden did not raise her voice, it cut through the angry shouts, instantly granting silence, if not calm. People were still restless, and the crowd shifted, eyeing the three sentai with disdain.

“Your crimes are as such,” Ryusei repeated, reaching up to pull off their mask. To Kenta’s surprise, the face that was revealed was that of a young woman, with short hair dyed red, and angry burn scars marring much of her face. Her voice was hoarse, as if it had been damaged by flame as well. “These people speak true: your crimes are that you have defeated the greatest threat Japan has ever faced, protected her people, fed them, clothed them, and restored power.”

Yoshi removed his own helmet, revealing a much more familiar and photogenic face. He gave Raiden a grim smile. “There can be only one punishment for such behavior.”

As one, the three Sentai reached up and ripped off their own symbols from their uniforms, tossing aside their helmets. Then they knelt, one fist on the ground. “We swear our allegiance to you, Raiden!”

A small grin played across Raiden’s lips, and she nodded. “Very well. Kenichi! Come. I have a missive for this Prime Minister. It seems there is yet more to do. Mushu, see to the new members of the Shogunate.”

Kenta blinked, turning to Raiden. “Shogunate?”

“Did I not tell you? Raiden is but the first part of my title: I am the Raiden Shogun. God of Thunder.”

Kenta grinned, and raised both fists in salute. “Banzai! 10,000 years for the Raiden Shogun!”

“Banzai!” the crowd echoed.

In Tokyo, Prime Minister Nakamura felt his flesh prickle. It was as though someone had just trod on his grave.

The Second Archon War, Imperatrix Umbrosa 3

Beta’d and Edited by The Grand Cogitator and Dr_Feelgood

Imperatrix Umbrosa 3: Confessions of an Outlander

Holding her breath, Ami tried to be as still as possible. Her mother’s sobbing breaths could still be heard, and the grunts of the villain just outside the closet door. She couldn’t hear her father anymore. Hadn’t for several minutes. She clutched her to her chest, her heart pounding silently. Closing her eyes, she mouthed a silent prayer.

“Raiden, please, save me.”

Outside, she heard her mother let out a strangled sob. “No, no, please! I-”

“There’s a child here. Where,” the deep voice growled.

“She, she went to see her grandparents! In the countryside! We lost contact, haven’t heard from her in-”

Another scream, and Ami choked back a sob.

“Wrong. There were three dirty bowls in the sink. So I’ll ask again. Where is she?”

“She…she was lost in the storm, she’s-”

Her mother’s voice trailed off in a wet gurgle, and this time Aoi couldn’t hold back a muffled sob.

“Raiden, please!”

She heard heavy footsteps, and clutched her toy to her chest, closing her eyes. If she closed her eyes, the monster would go away and-

The closet door was ripped open, and Ami screamed as black snakes reached out and pulled her out. The inky black coils wrapped around her as the shadowy serpents hissed. She was hoisted into the air, and her eyes came open of their own accord. What she saw was the face of the Monster.

She tried not to see her mother and father.

“There you are. Well. I had my fun with your mother. But I like the lolis. You’ll-”

For a fleeting instant, a purple eye appeared behind the demon, then a rip in the fabric of space. The first thing through was the flash of lightning. The next, a sword.

The demon screamed as the hand that had been holding Ami was severed at the wrist, and she fell to the floor, looking up in awe.

The monster snarled, turning as the tattoos on his body rippled, the snakes on his remaining arm rising up to strike, as the demon on his face hissed.

“BITCH! YOU’LL-”

“Close your eyes, child,” Raiden said gently, and Ami squeezed her eyes shut. There was another scream, but this time, it was the monster’s.

“C-can I open my eyes?” Ami asked, holding her toy to her chest tightly.

“No. This is…a game. Can you play with me?” Raiden asked, sounding as gentle as a summer’s breeze.

Ami could only nod desperately.

“Good. Here.”

Strong arms wrapped themselves around Ami, and a moment later she found herself held to a warm chest. She buried her face in Raiden’s shoulder as she sobbed.

“You are safe now. Come. Let us away.”

There was the crack pop of lightning, and then cold air blasted Ami’s face. Startled, she opened her eyes, and found herself out in the cold morning air. She blinked, looking around as people hurried towards her.

“Your Excellency! What happened?” a kindly man asked. He looked a bit like daddy, going a bit bald, with torn work clothes, and circles around his eyes.

“Send two guards into the room behind me,” Raiden said, her tone suddenly cold and imperious. “A vision holder…committed a grievous crime. I have meted out retribution.”

“I…” the man went pale, looking into the still open portal, then bent to the side and vomited.

“We’ll handle it,” two policemen said. They had purple armbands affixed to their left biceps, imprinted with the purple eye symbol. “Thank you, your Excellency.”

There were footsteps, and then a snap, and when Ami dared look, the portal was closed.

“W-what about mommy? Daddy?” Ami asked. But she knew. She was big now: almost eight.

“They walk now into Eternity,” Raiden said, reaching a hand up to stroke Ami’s hair.

Two more guards came up, one of them a kind looking woman about mommy’s age. “We’ll take the child, Excellency.”

“NO!” Ami wailed, and clutched tightly to Raiden. “NO! I CAN’T I DON’T WANT TO, I-”

There was a flash of lighting, and the next thing Ami knew, she was laying on the ground, Raiden hovering over her, a glowing purple sphere clutched in her hands. Within the sphere hovered a crystal shard of a somewhat cubical nature, one that constantly folded in on itself in an endless pattern, never getting smaller, nor growing.

“What is this,” Raiden hissed, holding the sphere up and studying the crystal within. “I have not seen its like.”

“I don’t want it!” Ami said, shying away from it.

Raiden looked down at her, curious for a moment. “Child. What is your name?”

“I…I’m Ami Muramaru. And this is Mushu. He’s a dragon.” She held up her favorite stuffed animal from the Best Movie Ever to the God of Thunder, her heart full of hope.

To her surprise, Raiden reached out a finger, touching Mushu on the nose. As she did so, the sphere vanished, and Ami felt a strange sensation, a brief sense of vertigo. She nearly collapsed, but Raiden reached down, steadying her.

“A brave and noble warrior, I am certain. He will guard you well.”

Ami felt something wriggling in her hands, and when she looked down, she gasped. Mushu had changed: he was still in the same general shape, but the cartoon eyes were gone, replaced by rather ordinary ones for a lizard, and his coloration was now purple. She dropped him, but Mushu hovered up, crooning and looking into Ami’s eyes, a look of mischievous curiosity on his whiskered face.

“A miracle!” various voices cried, but Raiden held up a hand.

“I am wearied. I shall take this child to rest. Prepare for me a dwelling,” Raiden commanded.

“Of course! Your excellency! At once!”

There was a mad scramble as people raced to do as Raiden had commanded, and Ami was left to giggle and stroke her new pet. “It tingles!”

“Yes, I am sure it does,” Raiden said, giving Ami an amused smile.

Not long after, they were taken to a lavish hotel room. Ami looked around the space, which was bigger than her home was. That made her sad, and she dropped, sniveling, even as her new dragon chirruped and nuzzled her neck.

“You need a new name,” Ami said, frowning. He didn’t look like Mushu anymore. He was a purple dragon though, so…Murasaki?”

The dragon chirruped its approval, and Ami clapped. “You will be Mr. Murasaki, the Purple Dragon!”

For a few moments, she smiled, then she looked down, feeling dejected. Even a purple dragon didn’t change what had happened that day…

“Do you hunger, child?” Raiden asked.

Ami shrugged, unable to look up, a sense of overwhelming sadness filling her.

“We will require a repast,” Raiden ordered one of the grownups. She paused, then added, “And several desserts. Do you have…dango milk?”

“Dango…milk?” one of the grownups asked, looking confused.

“I like strawberry shortcake,” Ami said, looking up. “With whipped cream. Can we have that?”

“Cake?” Raiden suddenly perked up, her eyes widening in excitement, and…was that a bit of drool? No way. Raiden was too cool to drool. “Yes. We shall require a strawberry shortcake, with this whipped cream.”

Not long after, Ami was feeling much better as she sat on the floor with Raiden, eating the biggest strawberry shortcake she had ever seen. She giggled, feeding Murasaki a strawberry, which the little dragon devoured with gusto.

For her part, Raiden was eating with great enjoyment, an actual smile on her lips as her eye sparkled. She had already eaten three slices, and had a large dollop of cream on the tip of her nose.

“You’re gonna get a tummy ache,” Ami giggled, reaching up with a napkin to dab at Raiden’s nose.

“Gods do not get tummy aches,” Raiden said, sounding offended. Then she suddenly sagged, looking down at the cake in her hand mournfully. A tear formed at the corner of her eye, which Raiden flicked away.

That made Ami start to sniffle too. “Did you…did you lose your mommy and daddy too?”

She knew they were dead, and just staying it made her start to cry in earnest.

A hesitant hand was placed on Ami’s shoulder. “I had no parents. Gods are not born as mortals. I arose from the flash of lightning alongside my sister…Makoto. She…she perished, some five centuries ago.”

Ami threw herself into Raiden’s arms. “It’s ok to cry! M-my mommy said so!”

Hesitantly, Raiden’s arms wrapped around Ami, then they began to stroke her hair. “Yes. But I ran out of tears long ago. Sorrow is not an aspect of Eternity I wish to embrace.”

Since she was still a little girl, Ami had a good hard cry, but when she finished, she dried her eyes, looking around. She spotted the large TV, and trotted over to it, picking up the remote. “Can we watch TV?”

“What is…tee vee?” Raiden asked, standing and coming over to peer at the box.

“Um, you watch it.” Ami turned it on, and Raiden blinked in surprise. It was just the news, which was boring, so Ami began to browse the menu. After a moment, her eyes lit upon her favorite. “They have Mulan! But…it’s 2000 yen to watch it. Can we? Please?”

“Of course,” Raiden said imperiously, seating herself before the TV. It took a phone call, but it seemed that 2000 yen wasn’t a lot of money to Raiden, Awesome God of Thunder.

Eagerly, Ami ran over, hopping in Raiden’s lap, which seemed to startle the god. She didn’t seem to mind though, and Ami sighed in satisfaction as The Best Movie Ever started to play. “See, Murasaki? That’s you!”

Ami pointed eagerly to the screen, laughing as Murasaki floated up and peered at his name sake. He even mimicked some of Mushu’s poses, causing Ami to laugh uproariously.

She fell asleep halfway through the movie, but when she woke up, she was still sitting in Raiden’s lap. The shogun poked at her, holding the remote. “Can you command this teevee to play another? I like this shadow play. It amuses me.”

“Yeah,” Ami said, yawning. She held up the remote, showing Raiden how to use it. The movie Raiden chose was one of Ami’s favorites, Kiki’s Delivery Service. Then she wandered over to the futon, and collapsed onto it. Murasaki curled up on top of her, and soon, Ami was snoring softly.

She had just had her worst day ever, and upon her shoulder, her new shard slept. She didn’t hear Raiden come over to hover over her, nor see as she flinched back in horror from the sleeping dragon.

There are some things even the gods fear.

“Thank you for allowing us in on such short notice, Ambassador Yeung,” Alexandria said, bowing slightly to the man across the table from her. He was ordinary enough, a middle aged bureaucrat with a receding hairline and glasses, though his suit was nicer than average.

“Of course, Director Costa-Brown,” Yeung said, smiling and showing teeth yellowed from years of smoking. “Though I am a bit surprised. What business does the PRT have with the Imperial Union?”

“This information doesn’t leave the room. We haven’t gone public with it, and if you do attempt to leak it, we’ll deny any and all knowledge of it, and even rescind it. Do you understand?” Alexandria asked.

The Ambassador maintained his poker face, and nodded. “Of course. You can count on my discretion.”

And that he would go running to his masters as soon as he was able, but that was the point, really. Making a display of unlocking her briefcase, Alexandria pulled out a manilla folder that contained only a single sheet of paper, and handed it to Yeung.

He took it and opened it, his eyes scanning the paper quickly. This time, he couldn’t completely hide his reaction. His eyes widened, and his hands shook slightly. Then he looked up, closing the folder and setting it on the center of the table. “That is…interesting. But why are you showing me a Kill Order? That’s an internal matter for the PRT, and the United States government.”

“You know what. What would be the reaction of the CUI on the matter?” Alexandria asked.

Yeung shrugged. “I cannot say for certain. I’d have to speak with Beijing to receive guidance.”

By that, he meant speak with Shen Yu, and the Emperor. It was sometimes hard to tell if the Yangban ruled the CUI, or if they were actually under the thumb of the government. Cauldron leaned towards Shen Yu being the real power in China, but even their agents had a hard time penetrating Beijing politics.

It was hard to judge of course. President Bradley might think he had no strings on him, but Cauldron’s puppeteering skills were deft.

Which was, of course, the real reason Raiden could not be allowed to live.

“Speculate. I won’t hold it against you,” Alexandria said, giving Yeuang a tight smile.

The ambassador removed his glasses, and his eyes suddenly went from watery to cold steel. “Director. You know that Japan is no friend of China. My country seethes with fury at the latest injustice those dogs have wrought upon us. Hundreds of thousands of Chinese citizens are dead in the aftermath of what that thing did. Worse even than if Leviathan had attacked one of our own port cities, even worse than last year at Jinzhou.”

That had been a bad one. Before the attack, Jinzhou had had a population of over a million. Now it was an largely irradiated wasteland. Casualties had been steep indeed. But the massive tsunami, many earthquakes, and power outage had been especially devastating to the CUI.

He tapped the fonder with one finger. “This would have my country's full support. If you are worried about diplomatic backlash…I can assure you there will be none from us. For once, the CUI and the USA will be on the same side of a diplomatic issue. But if I may speak frankly?”

Alexandria made a “go on” motion, holding back a smile.

“We would ask a favor in return. The United States has withdrawn its military globally, from Japan as well. Do you still consider Japan an ally? Is it still under the protection of the United States?”

“The United States government considers the prospect of a cape warlord seizing control of a first world nation by brute force to be a matter of the utmost concern. This kill order is a signal of our increasing worries over the situation in Japan, which continues to devolve as Raiden expands her control over the nation of Japan. We have even received communiques from the Japanese government indicating that…international intervention may be needed.”

“I see.” Yeung opened the folder and read the kill order again, then met Alexandria’s eyes. “And if China were to…install a more favorable regime…what would the United States response be? Hypothetically, of course.”

“If Raiden were to seize power, the United States would no longer consider Japan an allied nation,” Alexandria said. “We would, of course, protest. We’d saber rattle, and decry any action. But Raiden has made clear that she desires no American intervention. And it would not be in our best interests to defend a hostile Japan.”

The ambassador leaned back in his chair, tapping his lip with a finger a few times. Alexandria reached across, taking back the Kill Order and returning it to her briefcase.

“Well, Director. You have given me much to discuss with Beijing. I can say that while it is likely that China will make a statement decrying the United State’s abuse of sovereignty with this statement…it will not be a strongly worded one.”

“That is understandable.” Alexandria stood, and bowed slightly. “Thank you for your time, Ambassador. As I am sure we both have much to do, I’ll take my leave.”

Standing, the Ambassador saw her to the door, and even out of the embassy. At the entrance, he extended his hand. “I look forward to a more amicable working relationship between our nations.”

Alexandria smiled, and returned the snake’s handshake.

She left in her car, but her driver took her to a PRT base where she could change. Then, she flew towards Pearl Harbor, where the Pacific Fleet would be sallying forth.

All threats would be contained. Raiden had the potential to be a powerful ally when the day came.

But she also had equal potential to be an unimaginable threat, capable of knocking human civilization back to the stone age in an instant. And there were some risks just too great to take.

Other meetings took place that day, with ambassadors from South East Asian countries, as well as some of the USA’s closest allies. While all of them expressed concern about the United States gross overreach regarding Japanese sovereignty…they understood. A few were even supportive.

Raiden was an existential threat to humanity. One that needed to be dealt with. If the threat from CUI didn’t drive the Japanese government into the PTRs arms, then perhaps Raiden herself would. A chance to remove a threat, and expand the PTR, and by extension, Cauldron's influence. A chance for a brighter world.

And that was something worth fighting for.

Idleness had never been a sin that Kenta suffered with. After several days, he had awoken, something he hadn’t expected to do. He’d found himself in a hospital bed, with his hands and feet gone. While he had survived Raiden’s strike, doing so had nearly killed him. Even in his most powerful form, capable of withstanding the full attention of an Endbringer…he was now a quadriplegic, confined to a hospital bed.

“This is boring,” he growled to the nurse who came to adjust his IV. “When can I get prosthetics? Or a healer? There must be be some sentai around here capable of regenerating limbs.”

“I am sorry, Mr. Kenta. All sentai are desperately working to save lives. And we don’t have the capability to make prosthetics at this point. I am afraid you’ll just have to wait,” the nurse said as he adjusted the IV.

“You’d think killing an Endbringer would bring me some prestige,” Kenta grumbled. He was an Endslayer, one of only two in existence.

Well, he had helped, anyway. He knew perfectly well who slew Leviathan. And it had not been him.

“What is She doing?” Kenta asked. He’d watched all the TV he could stand, and he knew perfectly well what Raiden was up to, but he was so bored he was making conversation with this normie.

“Her Excellency continues the work of rebuilding Kyushu, safeguarding the people and bringing about Eternity,” the nurse answered. He bowed slightly to Kenta, the IV changed. He’d already helped Kenta to the bathroom, and fed him a meal. It was humiliating, but the only other option was starvation. “Do you require anything else, Mr. Kenta?”

“...no. Thank you.”

The nurse left, and Kenta was left to stew in his own juices again.

He reflected on his life, and what it had been like up until now. Frankly, it had been shit. His father had been a Japanese man who had gotten a Chinese woman pregnant, and never married her. Growing up a hafu had hardly been pleasant, especially when he was the child of a single mother who barely spoke Japanese. He’d take his mother’s name because he never had a clue who his father even was, and as a fuck you to the nation that hadn’t welcomed him.

He’d run with Daiichi and his gang because he’d not had anything better to do. Joining the Yakuza had sounded good to a 16 year old high school dropout, and Daiichi had been the path to that. Sure, Daiichi had gotten killed by that bitch, and Kenta had nearly died of an overdose, but he’d Triggered, and gotten his powers.

For a short time, life had improved. He’d quickly proven himself powerful, and been recruited by a real Yakuza gang. It hadn’t been that different from Daiichi’s gang, fighting capes from other gangs and sentai heroes, warring for turf, money, drugs. It was all about power and prestige.

Then, Leviathan had come. Kenta was still young. Barely even twenty. He’d thought he was invincible with his powers. Now, he knew better. There was someone out there far, far stronger than he.

And Kenta was uncertain that she was even a cape. What he had seen in her eyes, in the heavens that had opened up at her command…what was she?

“A god,” he whispered. Then shook his head. He’d seen gods, or something like them, when he’d triggered. Raiden was nothing like them.

But she was an Endslayer. The Endslayer.

It was something to think about, anyway.

As he lay there, he heard a sudden disturbance, excited voices outside the hospital he lay in. No makeshift structure for him, he’d rated the good facilities, if not the best treatment.

The noise grew louder, and the sound of many feet, and he struggled to lift himself up. It was maddening, but he managed to lift his torso up just a little and crane his neck, though he couldn’t see anything outside the door. They halted just outside his room, and then the door burst open.

“Kenta! My baby!” his mother cried, speaking Cantonese as always. She rushed forward, sogging, and wrapped her arms around him. “I am proud of you, my son. So, so proud.”

“Mom?” Kenta blinked, shocked. Last he’d heard, his mother hadn’t even been on Kyushu, instead living in Tokyo, still working as a prostitute. She wasn’t that old yet, and looked alright for her age, not quite 40. Or was she? He’d lost track of her birthdays. She’d been disgusted that he’d joined a gang, and had refused all the money he’d tried to give her. She’d been horrified when he’d triggered, and that had been the last time he’d spoken to her.

He stiffened for a moment, old rage building inside him, the same rage that fueled the dragon.

And then he’d looked up, and She was standing there. A faint smile on her lips. “It is good to embrace those we treasure, while we have them. To honor your elders is one of the principles of Eternity.”

And so, Kenta did the hardest thing he had ever done. He let go. And he forgave his mother.

Tears welled up, and he rested his head on his mother’s shoulders, sobs wracking his body. In those tears, all his rage, all his hatred, all his fear and anguish, passed out of him. He had gone through the baptism of fire and water. He had Braved the Lightning’s Glow, and been not afraid.

He had beheld eternity. And now, he knew peace.

“Thank you, mom,” Kenta said, sniffing as she used a hankie to wipe his nose and face. He laughed, a half joyous, half bitter sound. “I guess I’m like a little kid again. Can’t even wipe my own nose.”

“It is OK, it is OK. Your mother is here now,” she said, fussing over him.

“Thank you, Yan. I would speak with your son in private,” Raiden said, speaking Cantonese herself. When had she learned that?

“Of course, of course, your Excellency,” his mother said. She kissed him on the forehead one last time, then exited the room, closing the door behind her.

Kenta nodded to Raiden. “Thank you, Lady Raiden. Or do you prefer your excellency?”

“You have withstood the Lightning, and fought alongside me. You have earned the right to call me by name. When in private, you may refer to me as Ei.”

Kenta nodded, not fully realizing the great honor he had just received. In time, he would grow to be humbled and honored by the gesture, and would consider it to be the greatest gift he had ever received in his life, valuing it even more than his wife and children in his heart of hearts. But for now, he simply took it as his due.

“Well, we got him,” Kenta said, waving his stubs. “Cost me an arm and a leg though.”

Raiden glanced at him, brow slightly furrowed. “That is not true. You have lost both arms and legs.”

“Uh, yeah. You’re right,” Kenta said, laughing awkwardly. Was she having one over on him? It didn’t seem that way. She was just so…alien. She hardly seemed human.

“You did not tell me you were from Liyue. Your mother, it is strange. She knows not of Rex Lapis, or Morax, nor even of the Seven. Have such tales been utterly lost to time?” Raiden asked.

Kenta blinked. “Uh, I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about. My mom’s from Guangzhou, in China. She came here when she was really young. She’s um-”

“A comfort woman. I gathered as much,” Raiden said with a shrug. “I ordered her to be found, and she was brought to me. You have come from humble origins, Kenta.”

He blushed, and looked down. “You…don’t don’t know the half of it.”

Raiden was silent, though her gaze weighed on Kenta. He shifted uncomfortably, then, it all poured out of him.

Everything. Dropping out of school. Pushing drugs. His trigger event. Joining the Yakuza. And then…

“And then I joined the fight against Leviathan. The Truce, you know?”

“No. I do not. My question of you was the last, but now I am certain. This is not Teyvat.”

Kenta blinked, not understanding. “Teyvat?”

“The world from which I hail. There, a land much like this one, known as Inazuma, has existed since time immemorial. There, I was the Raiden Shogun, the Narukami Ogosho, God of Eternity. I know not how I have come to this world of Earth, nor how I arrived in Japan. But this land is much like Inazuma, and like Inazuma, it needs a ruler and a god. These seem to be dark and troubled times. It is the duty of a god to guide and shelter the mortals of her realm. So, I have chosen Japan as my nation. I shall be her god, and these shall be my people.”

For a moment, Kenta was quiet. “You mean…you’re really a god?”

“Yes.”

“Did…did you come to stop them? The Endbringers? To save the world?” he asked, his voice now raw and pleading.

Raiden shrugged. “I care not for the world. Even a god cannot cast their gaze too far and wide, lest they overreach and be brought low. Many a time I did this myself, slaying those deities that threatened my realm. This beast, the thing you called Leviathan, it was but another demon for me to slay. Whatever threatens this land, I shall destroy. I will bring about Eternity in Japan.”

Kenta lay back, his head swimming. So, Raiden wasn’t just a god, but an alien? It didn’t make sense. At last, he shook his head to clear it. “Well, whatever it is you shall do, I am your man. I would be your dragon, but…” He held up his bandaged stumps. “I’m not what I used to be.”

“Yes. Lung was a criminal. A thing worthy of scorn, and deserving of judgment.”

Kenta slumped, feeling rejected, but then Raiden continued.

“And I have passed my judgment on Lung. He faced the Lightning’s Glow, and passed through it. Few have survived the Musou no Hitotachi. For this, your past sins are forgiven. Lung is no more.”

Hope filled Kenta, and he nodded, overcome and unable to speak.

“For this, I shall give you a new name. You shall be known as-” Kenta nodded eagerly, trying to imagine what honorable name she had in store for him, “-Mushu.”

“What?” Kenta blinked, frowning. Then he laughed nervously. “Ah, Ei, um, you might not know this, since, er, you’re not from Earth…but Mushu, it’s the name of a dragon in a children’s movie.”

“Ah, yes. Mulan. You have said you are from China, as was Mushu. I have seen this movie, and quite enjoyed it. Especially the songs. I shall, what was the term? Yes. Make a man out of you.”

Kenta’s jaw dropped. Was she shitting him? She had to be shitting him. A somewhat impish grin had formed on Raiden’s lips, and she actually looked smug.

“Er, ha ha, very funny. Um, you have another name, right?” Kenta asked hopefully.

“No. Mushu was a noble and honorable warrior, who fought alongside his mistress, and helped save the land of Liyue- no, China, from invasion. It is an honorable and worthy name.”

Groaning, Kenta lay back on his bed. “Seriously? Mushu?”

“Yes. You shall be my familiar I think. It is traditional for gods to keep dragons as companions. You shall be mine,” Raiden said, and her tone brooked no further argument.

Kenta just knew he was going to catch so much shit for this. An Endslayer. Named after a damned gaijin children’s cartoon. Why couldn’t she come up with something cool? Lung was a really cool name, even if it wasn’t the most imaginative. This was a downgrade.

Then again… Lung had been a piece of shit. A drug dealing gangbanger who hadn’t had any reason to live but more money and power. And Raiden seemed to be offering him more.

“Fine. I guess…I can go by Mushu,” Kenta sighed.

“Excellent. Come, Mushu. You have a duty to perform for me.”

“Uh, I would love to, but…” Kenta waved his stubs again. “Can’t.”

“Yes, quite. That is the point.” Then Raiden swept away all the IV’s and sensors, and putting a hand on Kenta, levitated him. She walked him out of the room, out into the hall, where dozens of reporters waited with Kenta’s mother.

“This is Mushu, he who fought alongside me, and helped to save Japan in her hour of need,” Raiden said, as camera’s flashed and microphones were extended.

“Uh, hello,” Kenta said, sweat beading on his forehead. What was the point of all this? He felt ashamed that everyone could see his weakness. He would find a way to restore his limbs, even if he had to go to a damn biotinker, but until then…

“It is not right that such a noble warrior be laid low. For his sacrifice, he shall be honored. And in his victory, he shall be made whole.”

Raiden leaned closer, to whisper in Kenta’s ear. “I am not Buer, nor Vepar, to have great mastery over healing. Nor am I that insolent fool Barbados. But I am yet a god. What I can offer will cause great pain, but the reward is great. Will you brave it like a warrior?”

Kenta jerked a nod, his heart skipping a beat as it welled with hope.

“Then rise once more, Mushu!” Raiden declared.

Despite himself, Kenta let out a muffled scream as his body exploded with pain. It was nearly as bad as when he had faced the Lightning before, only a degree less. Slowly through, the pain faded, and he found himself kneeling on the floor. Then, he blinked. He looked down at his arms and hands. They were as good as new, restored perfectly to flesh and bone. There was a purple scar that joined the old to the new, and on each limb a small tattoo, a barbed three spoked circular symbol in purple.

“A miracle!” someone cried, and there was an excited babble.

Slowly, Kenta reached up, taking Raiden’s hand. The voices behind him quieted, and he kissed the outstretched fingers.

“From this moment forward, I swear my life to you, Raiden. You shall be my lord, and I your vassal,” Kenta said, pulling his lines as best he could from half remembered samurai movies.

Raiden nodded, accepting the gesture. “Then rise, Mushu. And serve your lord.”

Slowly, Kenta got to his feet. He felt his power surging, and tapped into it, just a little. He felt himself start to transform, and-

With a pop, he turned into a small lizard, exactly the size of Mushu the Dragon from Mulan, only with metallic scales that had purple highlights.

Kenta wasn’t sure if he wanted to kiss Raiden, or kill her.

Dark Legend of Potter, Chapter 49

As the hall descended into panic and bedlam even as the professors ushered everyone out, Megumin grabbed onto Ron and Darkness’ robes.

“Ronald. Darkness. We must speak,” she growled, her eyes glowing a baleful red, visible even through the magical darkness.

“You don’t have to say a thing,” Ron growled. “That was my little sister the snake took!”

“Well, don’t just stand there,” Hermione said, giving Megumin a shove from behind. “Get a move on!”

Megumin raced out of the grand hall, dodging the panicked students and professors trying to herd them as she and her friends scrambled through the chairs and tables to the hall outside.

“Right then,” Hermione said once they had reached a deserted hallway. She adjusted her costume, and gave everyone a grave look. “We all know what we must do?”

Darkness went over to one of the suits of armor, and tapped it on the shoulder. “I’ll be taking that.”

“Right you are then,” the haunted armor said, and handed Darkness the longsword it had been holding. She nodded and turned to salute with the blade. With the knightly tabard and chainmail Aqua had made her for the play, she actually looked like a semi competent knight. Looks can be deceiving.

“Very well, then we shall plunge the depths of the Chamber of Secrets, rescue Yunyun and Ginny, and write our name as heroes for all time!” Megumin declared, raising her wand on high. Chunchumaru helpfully let off a small gout of flame. For a wand, he had an excellent sense for the dramatic.

“Right then,” Ron said, nodding and cracking his knuckles. “Where are we off to?”

Hermione opened her mouth and raised a finger, then cocked her head to one side. She turned to Megumin, looking confused. “Where ARE we off to?”

“To the Chamber of Secrets!” Darkness declared, raising her sword in the air. Then she looked at Megumin. “Uh, where is the Chamber, exactly?”

“Um, uh…” Megumin blushed, looking around. “It’s, er-”

“It’s in the Second Floor Girl’s bathroom!”

All four turned to see Aqua march out into the hallway, Kazuma, Dust, and Draco following along after her.

“Hey, what are you four doing here?” Kazuma demanded, pointing at Ron. “We’re going to save our little sister!”

“She’s MY little sister you knob!” Ron snarled, raising his wand and pointing it at Kazuma.

“Save your posturing for the serpent, Weasley,” Draco sneered. He looked rather pale, but he also wasn’t slithering off to hide in a hole somewhere, which proves once and for all that Draco is, in fact, better than Gilderoy Lockhart. At least in this AU.

“Wait, hold on. How do YOU know where the Chamber of Secrets is?” Hermione demanded of Aqua.

“I read it in the book, duh. Now are you guys going to help me rescue my new bestie Luna or not!?” Aqua huffed, folding her arms over her chest.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Are you SURE that's where the Chamber is?” Kazuma demanded. “Because this had better not be like that whole chicken thing!”

“SHUT UP, EMPEROR ZEL IS A GREAT DRAGON!” Aqua wailed, bursting into tears and stomping her foot in a fit of pique.

“Shouldn’t it be Empress Zel? Cause it’s a girl and all?” Dust asked.

“Shut up, Dust,” everyone chorused.

“Well, Aqua has our best lead,” Hermione said. “Let’s go check.”

“Well hold on, you can go into the girl’s loo, but we can’t!” Ron said, motioning to himself and the rest of the boys. They all nodded seriously, clearly seeing this as a major obstacle.

The girls all gave the boys disgusted looks, and turned their backs.

“Well, then you big brave boys can just wait outside while we rescue our friends,” Megumin huffed, and walked away, the other girls trailing along behind her.

“Wait, hold on, I’m not just letting you rescue my sister without me!” Kazuma and Ron shouted at the same time. They glared at one another, but went after the girls anyway. Dust, not wanting to be left behind, went after then, and a moment later Draco followed, muttering under his breath.

“Don’t worry, girls are gross in the WC but it’s not that bad. You just vanish the hair and it’ll be fine,” Dust confided to Draco.

“Hair? HAIR!? Aren’t you worried about the great bloody snake!?” Draco asked.

“What? No! I mean, it’s basically a legless dragon, right? I reckon it’ll be brilliant to fight. Maybe I can capture it and it’ll let me ride it!” Dust said eagerly.

“Yeah, we just have to worry about…you know,” Draco jerked his head towards the girls, a certain red eyed menace in particular.

“What, them? Nah, probably not. Unless they need to use the loo? Actually, that’s probably a good idea before you go on an adventure. Don’t have to worry about wetting yourself that way,” Dust mused.

“Wetting myself?! What do you think I am, nine!?” Draco demanded a bit too loudly.

“Nine? Were you seriously still wetting the bed at NINE? I stopped doing that when I was out of nappies,” Ron said, sounding disgusted.

“S-shut up! I mean, seven!” Draco said, flushing. “It was just the one time!”

That got a snigger out of the other boys, and an eye roll from the girls.

“Is this seriously what boys talk about when it’s time for an adventure?” Hermion said, sounding completely disgusted.

“I-I also wet the bed until I was seven,” Darkness said, flushing bright red. “I-it is shameful, b-but my grandmother assured me it was not uncommon.”

“You can stay back with the minions then,” Megumin said, pointing back to the boys.

“Well, my parents are doctors, and my research does indicate that it’s perfectly normal for children to wet the bed until age five. It may reoccur during times of stress, such as during trouble at school or a sudden change in the child’s routine,” Hermione pontificated.

“Aren’t your parents DENTISTS? What, did you get a B on a test and wet the bed in sheer terror?” Kazuma demanded.

“I-I did not!” Hermione sputtered.

“Goddesses don’t wet the bed. We don’t have to pee,” Aqua added helpfully.

“Right, that’s it, now I have to go,” Dust said as they reached the lavatory. “And you’d all better go before we go on an adventure.” He pushed open the door and headed in, walking towards one of the stalls.

“Wait! You can’t go in here! This is the girls loo!” Megumin protested, trying to block Dust from entering.

“Yeah, so? We’re already gonna be in trouble for chasing after the giant snake. Besides, there are stalls. You won’t see anything,” Dust pointed out.

“B-but…it’s the PRINCIPLE of the thing!” Hermione protested.

“A-actually…I  have to go too now,” Megumin admitted, blushing.

“Do we ALL have to go?” Kazuma asked, suddenly shifting uncomfortably.

Everyone but Aqua nodded, looking rather ashamed.

“I don’t,” Aqua said smugly.

“Don’t blame us if you wet yourself later then,” Dust said with a shrug, earning an offended squawk from Aqua.

Despite there being six stalls, the girls insisted that all the boys had to use the same one, as they would obviously contaminate the one they did use.In spite of that, the boys still finished first, and waited around rather impatiently, making rude remarks.

After everyone had washed their hands (with a not so helpful reminder from Hermione) they all stood near the sinks, looking about.

“So, where is it?” Kazuma asked, looking around.

“In the sinks,” Aqua said, frowning at the basins. “One’s a snake and you have to talk to it.”

“A snake? How could you talk to a snake?” Hermione asked, sounding disgusted.

“BWAH-HA-HA! Once more, my incredible powers and status as the chosen of destiny comes to the forefront!” Megumin bragged, posing dramatically and hastily putting on an eye patch. “For I, Megumin, can speak the tongue of serpents!”

“Well that’s convenient. I still don’t see any hidden entrances,” Kazuma complained.

Megumin ignored him and went over to examine the sinks one by one, until she found one with a small serpent carved into the spigot. She stepped back, posed, and began dramatically hissing. The others all gasped and waited…and waited…and waited…

“Megumin, what are you saying to it?” Hermione asked, sounding suspicious.

“I am telling it of my dark and terrible lineage, and various phrases I would use as a password, such as ‘darkness beyond twilight’ or ‘the sign of the serpent is death!’ I am certain that I will have it soon!”

“But, I’m pretty sure the password is just ‘open’ in snake,” Aqua said.

“Oh great, so it’s one of those stupid riddle things where the answer is lame and obvious,” Kazuma sighed.

“What!? No, I refuse! It has to be some sort of dark and mysterious password. Just saying ‘hsshss’ is-”

Behind Megumin, the sink suddenly gave out a loud creek, then slowly sank into the floor as the wall behind it swung aside, revealing a hidden passage, along with a sign.

“WELCOME, FRIENDS! THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS IS OPEN TO EVERYONE!”

The sign was brightly painted, and had stenciled on it the smiling faces of several girls that appeared to be Yunyun, Lavender, and Luna, along with an unknown boy and a cute looking snake. There were various flowers on the sign as well, as well as the symbol of the USSR.

Not the hammer and sickle, but a half moon and bundle of flowers. That looked suspiciously like a hammer and sickle, but you can’t win them all.

“A-are we going to have to climb into a dank, slimy sewer, covering ourselves in slime and filth, while risking grievous injury?” Darkness asked, stepping forward to peer into the dark hole.

“Don’t sound so excited about it,” Kazuma said, making a face.

“I-I am not! I-I was simply wondering, if, um…well, it c-could be dangerous, and the thought of getting so filthy is-”

“Sordesi obicwe,” Hermione said, waving her wand over Darkness. She nodded in satisfaction. “There. That will keep all the muck and grime off you.”

“O-oh. Um…thank you…” Darkness said, looking utterly deflated as Hermione instructed the others on how to perform the charm.

Aqua quietly went over to Darkness, resting her hand on Darkness’ back. “Dispel.”

There was a faint flash as the charm on Darkness suddenly vanished, and she gasped, looking at Aqua and blushing furiously.

“I know you like getting dirty. It’s OK. All kinks are OK in Axis Cult. That’s totally why you should convert!”

“Um, er…Thank you?” Darkness said, looking at the hole with rising excitement. She stepped forward, gripping her sword. “I shall go first! Should there be any foes below, I will face them!”

“Wait, Darkness, as the hero it’s my job to-” Megumin began, but it was too late. Darkness leapt into the tube with a squeal of delight, and vanished from sight.

“Well, nothing for it then, lads,” Dust said, stepping forward. As the off-tank, he knew what he had to do. “Tally Ho!”

Kazuma stepped up to the lip, listening as Dust hooted with delight all the way down. He put a hand to his ear, listening. “Hey! If you’re dead, don’t say anything.”

“‘M alright!” Dust’s muffled voice called back.

Kazuma straightened and nodded. “Right then, who’s next? I’ll hold up the reeeeeeeaaarrrrr!”

“Wanker,” Megumin muttered, turning and grinning at Ron. They exchanged a high five, both of them having shoved Kazuma into the tube at the same time.

“Right then. Just remember, Ron, it’s not spiders,” he muttered to himself, then pinched his nose and jumped in right after Megumin.

When they got to the bottom, they found Darkness sulking, with Dust looking around eagerly. The landing area was well lit with several lanterns, and had clearly been carefully cleaned. There was even a small table with a vase full of flowers, and a small book with a quilt beside a little sign that said “Guest Book.”

“You know, I’m starting to wonder if any one’s actually in danger,” Hermione said dubiously. “This looks an awful lot like they want to be down here.”

“Don’t be dumb! It’s clearly the Diary Horcrux,” Aqua said. When everyone turned to look at her with baffled looks, she elucidated. She wouldn’t have used that word though, too hard. “Voldemort’s Diary is possessing Ginny! Or maybe all of them? Anyway, the Serpent of Slytherin is the big basilisk and it’s been petrifying people and now it’s kidnapped them to drain their life essence to bring Voldemort back to life!”

“A-HA! I KNEW IT!” Megumin hooted triumphantly. “Once more, my fearsome foe has arrived for our yearly epic confrontation! Though, it is a bit early. We’re only halfway through the year. Really, it’s quite rude. He should have waited until much closer to exams.”

“Keep it down!” Kazuma hissed, wincing and looking around in fear. “There’s still a huge ass snake down here that wants to eat us!”

Hermione raised her hand, looking baffled. “But, professor, no one’s been petrified.”

“Oh. Uh, that’s because as a super amazing goddess, my genius tactics and constant vigilance has ensured that no one got petrified!” Aqua said, nodding in satisfaction at her brilliant deduction.

“Regardless, we must seek out the Dark Lord once more, that I may defeat him! Onwards, to victory!” Megumin decreed, pointing her wand.

“Don’t you remember what happened last time?!” Ron demanded, smacking Megumin’s arm down.

“Yes, I unleashed a glorious Explosion and laid low Voldemort once more!” Megumin cackled.

“And where are we now?” Ron demanded, planting his hands on his hips and glaring at Megumin.

“In the Chamber of Secrets, a dungeon most vile!”

“Uh huh. And what bloody well happens if you blow us up UNDERGROUND!?” Ron asked.

“Oh. Uh…” Megumin blushed and trailed off. “Well, you see, um, we did survive last time, sooooo…”

“Yeah, no. I’m with Ron on this one. No Explosions underground. I ain’t dying down here!” Kazuma vowed.

“Look, it’s my duty as the hero to face off with my foes, besides, Chunchumaru was upset that he didn’t get to help me last time!” Megumin said, clutching her want to her breast.

“You’re not blowing us up again you chuuni maniac!” Kazuma snarled, coming over and trying to rip her wand away from here.

“STOP! POLICE! HELP! I’M BEING OPPRESSED!” Megumin wailed.

“SHHHH!” Darkness hissed, clamping a hand over Megumin’s mouth as Draco and Dust grabbed Kazuma and hissed at him to be quiet.

“If you keep making so much noise, we’ll-” Hermione began, but then, she paused. “Oh no.”

Down the tunnel to the right, they could hear the echoing sound of footsteps coming towards them.

“Well, as an experienced Adventurer, I know exactly what to do in this situation!” Aqua said brightly.

“What’s that?” Dust asked.

“RUN AWAY! AAAAAAH, KAZUMA, HEEEEEELP! I DON’T WANNA GET EATEN BY A SNAKEEEEEEE!” Aqua screamed as she threw up her hands and raced down the opposite side of the tunnel.

The rest of the children booked it after her, with Darkness lugging Megumin along slung over one shoulder.

“Let me go! It’s my destiny! I can take them! Just one Explosion, a small one!” Megumin begged.

“No, it is my duty to act as our shield, and even I do not relish the idea of being trapped in a cave in and seeing all my friends crushed to death,” Darkness grunted. “Perhaps if I were alone and a nefarious villain…no! I will not let you die needlessly.”

The entire group ran recklessly down the increasingly dark tunnel for several minutes, until they were stumbling along in the pitch black.

“Lady Aqua, I can’t see anything!” Luna gasped, her voice sounded ragged from all the running.

“Neither can I, can we risk a light?” Ron asked.

“It’s better than falling and hurting ourselves,” Hermione sighed, raising her wand. “Lumos!”

“Thanks,” Luna said, bending over and gasping for breath. “I fell and skinned my knee back there.”

“Right, where are we, exactly?” Draco gasped, looking around the brick walls.

“Wait, hold on! Luna!? What are YOU doing here?” Kazuma demanded, pointing at the supposedly kidnapped girl.

“Well, running away I suppose,” Luna said, putting a finger to her lips. “Though I’m not really clear on what. I just thought, ‘if Lady Aqua is running away, then I should too.’ After all, the Axis Cult says ‘Sometimes running away is winning!’”

“Yep! And that’s why Luna is my favorite character!” Aqua said, giving the girl a big hug.

“No, I mean, why is she HERE with us!? Weren’t you kidnapped?!” Kazuma demanded.

Luna nodded seriously. “Yes, once, when I was at the zoo, I was kidnapped by a blibbering humdinger at the crocodile exhibit. It was some time before I was found by my parents and rescued.”

“No, you weren’t with us, we’re supposed to rescue you!” Megumin argued from her place on Darkness’ shoulder. “Go back and be a proper hostage!”

“Oh, well, OK,” Luna said, and turned around to walk back down the passage.

“No! Don’t just wander off, we’re supposed to be rescuing you!” Hermion said in exasperation, grabbing the back of Luna’s robe.

“Really? From what?” Luna asked, her tone and eyes completely vacant.

“From the basilisk and Voldemort!” Megumin explained.

“Where’s Ginny?! Where’s my sister!?” Ron said, seizing the front of Luna’s robe and shaking her.

“I-In the p-party r-room,” Luna said as her head rattled back and forth.

Ron stopped, looking baffled. “In the what?”

“The party room. You know, where we were waiting for everyone to come, now that we’ve opened the Chamber of Secrets. I was just going up to open the secret passage and hand out brochures,” Luna said, holding up a stack of cards.

“Let me see that,” Draco snapped, grabbing a card from Luna. He read over it, then lowered it, completely confused. “Wait, who’s ‘Sylvia’ and ‘Tom?’ This is just a flier for Yunyun’s club.”

“Well,  yes. Why do you think we’re down here?” Luna asked.

“Because you were kidnapped by the Serpent of Slytherin and his master, Voldemort!” Megumin said eagerly. She hit Darkness on the shoulder, looking irritated. “Put me down! My time of glory is at hand!”

“Are you telling me that none of you are actually in danger at all?” Hermione asked, putting a hand over her eyes in exasperation.

“Well, I suppose if you’re lactose intolerant, the ice cream might bother you,” Luna mused. She turned to Ron. “Ginny isn’t lactose intolerant, is she?”

“What the bloody hell is lactose intolerance?” Ron demanded.

“Well Ron, you see, the lactase enzyme is produced by your body to break down Lactose, a sugar found in milk,” Hermione explained. “Most people of caucasian descent possess it, but certain populations such as indigenous peoples and those of asian decent-”

“NO ONE CARES!” several people shouted at once, causing Hermione to start to pout.

“So you mean my sister is down here having an ice cream party while I was worried sick about her?!” Ron said, sounding more than a little angry.

“Well, you can have some ice cream too, if it makes you feel better. We have cake as well,” Luna offered.

Ron made several sputtering noises, and the others groaned.

“Well, we’re already down here. May as well,” Draco sighed. “Come on, show us where Yunyun and the others are.”

“Yay! I’m so glad you’re all joining the USSR!” Luna skipped off down the dark tunnel, humming happily to herself.

“This is isn’t fair. I’m being denied my rightful dramatic duel of destiny,” Megumin muttered, now allowed to walk on her own.

“Cheer up. We’ve months left until exams. I’m sure you’ll have a chance before then,” Ron told her, which improved Megumin’s mood dramatically.

They all marched down the tunnel, with a pause for everyone to sign in at the guest book on Luna’s insistence, save for Megumin who refused on the general principle that ‘it was a stupid name for a club.’ Then they made their way through a much better lit corridor, until they came to a wide chamber. At the back was a huge statue of a three headed serpent, but in the middle were several tables with red tablecloths and chairs, and another with pitchers of punch, a sheet cake, and melting tubs of ice cream.

“Megumin!” Yunyun squealed, jumping up from her place at one of the tables. She hurried over, beaming with happiness. “You came!”

“Of course I came, I thought you’d been kidnapped!” Megumin snapped, stomping her foot and glaring at Yunyun.

“‘Lo boys,” Ginny called, waving to them from where she was sitting, a plate of cake and ice cream half eaten before her. “About time you made it.”

“I was worried sick about you!” Ron and Kazuma said at the same time, shoving at one another to try to get there first.

“Thought you’d been kidnapped!”

“-just vanished, what was I supposed to think!?”

“-have to tell mum and dad you’d died, or maybe-”

“-supposed to think, with that great bloody snake carrying you off and-”

Ginny looked at the two boys hovering over her, red faced and shouting, then smiled sweetly and stood. She reached out, then grabbed both their ears and slammed their skulls together.

“What do you think I am, some sort of delicate princess?!” Ginny shouted as Ron and Kazuma rubbed their heads and glared at her sullenly. “I don’t need you to rescue me! The others had invited me for dessert after the show and I said yes! I didn’t realize we’d be going via snake and sewer pipe, but it was fine! I can take care of myself, thank you very much!”

With that, Ginny sat back down, stuck her fork in the cake, and took a big bite. She glared up at the boys, who were still rubbing their sore heads. “Oh do sit down and stop arguing about it!”

“Thanks, this looks great!” Dust said, having already served himself. He sat down next to Ginny, and took a big bite of ice cream. “Mmm, great stuff!”

Somewhat abashedly, everyone grabbed some food and drinks, taking seats around the tables. Lavender bustled about, serving Aqua and giving her the royal treatment. “I’m so glad you came, Lady Aqua! I just knew you’d be a big fan of our club!”

“Well, I like cake, and ice cream! Thanks, Lavender!” Aqua happily dug in, while the others started eating and chatting, the crisis apparently averted.

“Well, if I can’t have an epic duel, chocolate cake is fine I guess,” Megumin muttered, still sulking at her table with Yunyun.

“W-well, I know it was your favorite…it’s ok! I’m just glad you all came,” Yunyun said. She stood up, going over in front of the snake statue, where a giant cauldron stood. She clapped her hands, and the others looked up from their food.

“E-Everyone, welcome to the Grand Opening of the Chamber of Secrets!”

There was polite, if confused, applause, and Yunyun beamed happily. “As you all know, we are the Union of Spreading Social Reform, an organization dedicated to making friends and spreading harmony. To that end, we have two very special guests! Please give a warm round of applause in welcome to Sylvia the Basilisk, and Tom the Diary!”

The snake statue suddenly squirmed, grinding along the ground to the side and revealing an opening, through which came a blind folded basilisk, with the ghost of a boy of about 12 riding on her back.

“AAAAAAH!” Kazuma, Draco, and Aqua screamed in terror.

“HA HA! YES, MY TIME HAS COME!” Megumin cackled, drawing her wand.

“N-no! Wait!” Yunyun wailed, jumping in front of the basilisk and waving her hands frantically. “It’s not like that. She’s our friend!”

The basilisk nodded her head, which was when the newcomers noticed she had on a lacy blindfold.

“You made friends with one of the deadliest monsters in the entire world!?” Draco gasped, his hand over his still pounding heart.

“S-she’s not a monster, she’s very nice,” Yunyun said, huffing in indignation. Then she beamed, gesturing to the cauldron. “To that end, t-the USSR has brewed a special potion for Sylvia! We call it, the Reverse Animagus Potion!”

“You did what?” Hermion asked, blinking in shock.

“Wait, was that why you kept asking me about how to brew that weird potion?” Megumin asked, blinking in surprise.

Yunyun took out a pair of scissors, cutting off a lock of her hair, and dropping it in the cauldron. She gave it three quick stirs, then nodded and pointed. “There you go, Sylvia! Drink up!”

The snake stuck her muzzle into the cauldron obediently, draining it in a few quick gulps. Everyone watched, holding their breaths in anticipation.

After several seconds, Kazuma leaned back, looking disgusted. “Well? Is that it?”

“Um, just wait a moment,” Yunyun urged.

After a bit longer, Sylvia the Basilisk suddenly spasmed, twisting and writhing, her tail smacking into the walls and sending bits of rock and dust flying. The attendees all screamed, diving under tables and ducking for cover, save for Darkness, who surged forward, raising her sword.

“Back, foul beast! I shall not allow you too-OOOOO!”

The twitching tail slammed into Darkness, sending her flying into the wall, which she crashed into hard enough to crack stone and leave a faint outline around her.

“DARKNESS!” Kazuma screamed, and ran over as she slid down. “Are you OK?!”

“I…I am fine,” Darkness panted, slowly getting to her feet. She’d lost the sword, and was looking at the still spasming tail.

“Are you sure? Do you need anything?” Kazuma asked, sounding actually concerned.

“Yes! To do that AGAIN!” Darkness cried, and ran forward, right into the path of the tail. She was slammed right back into the same place in the wall, causing Kazuma to have to duck.

“You’re crazy,” Kazuma muttered as Darkness slid down and staggered to her feet. “You know that, right?”

“I-it is actually quite fun,  you should try it,” Darkness panted, a huge grin on her face.

“No way! You should have cracked a rib, or your skull!” Kazuma argued. He looked back at Sylvia, who had gone still, lying amidst the dust and debris. “Well, it’s over anyway. Looks like she’s dead.”

“NO!!! Sylvia!!!” Yunyun wailed, staggering out from under a smashed table and hurrying over. “I worked so hard, it can’t have failed!”

“It didn’t,” a slurred voice said, and the tail twitched.

Gasping, Yunyun stepped back, and the others cried out in surprise as a dark form rose up from the rubble.

“I…I am human,” Slyvia said, descending from on high. From the waist up, she was no longer a snake, but instead a giant, dusky skinned woman with violet eyes and- oh my.

“Dust, close your eyes!” Ginny snapped, reaching over and covering Dust’s eyes with her hand.

“You too, Kazuma,” Darkness insisted. “Do not violate that woman with your lustful gaze!”

Fortunately, being twelve, all the boys had blushed and closed their eyes of their own accord before they could get an eyeful, a decision they would look back on in later years and deeply regret.

“Um, uh, we, um, we maybe forgot about something,” Yunyun stammered, blushing as she looked at Sylvia’s obviously mammalian new features.

Grabbing a tablecloth, Hermione hastily ripped off a bit, and ran over. Waving her wand, she transfigured it into a blouse, which she handed to Sylvia. “Here, put this on.”

“Clothesss? For me?” Sylvia asked,  tears coming to her eyes. “Thanksss, I really aprisssiate-”

“Just put it on!” Hermione urged, and helped Sylvia dress herself.

“You!” Aqua suddenly cried, jumping up. “I should have recognized you, General Sylvia! It’s been…um…” Aqua paused to count on her fingers, but gave up after a moment. “A really long time! But I remember you, one of the Devil King’s generals!”

“What? That’ssss not…what are you talking about?” Sylvia asked in confusion.

“Aqua, she doesn’t work for V-Voldemort anymore, she’s our friend,” Yunyun said, making calming motions.

“MWAHAHAHAHAH! THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE ALL WRONG! FOOLS! YOU HAVE FALLEN RIGHT INTO MY TRAP!” the ghost boy cackled, floating down and grinning evilly at them all.

“Tom, what have I told you?” Yunyun said, sounding exasperated. “Just because you think you’re the ghost of Voldemort doesn’t mean-”

“AH-HA! MY NEMESIS!” Megumin said, springing up, a huge grin of delight on your face. “Now, let us duel!”

“Ho-ho! I have heard you defeated my future self, Megumin Potter, but I, Tom Marvelo Riddle, LORD VOLDEMORT! Shall be the victor this time!” the ghost bragged, popping a distinctively chuunibyo pose, and an equally mad smile on his face.

“Tom, just relax and-” Yunyun said, but Tom wasn’t slowing down.

“FOR YOU SEE! That guest book? IT WAS NONE OTHER THAN MY DIARY! BWAHAHAHAAHAHHAH!” Tom cackled.

“Oh no!” Aqua said, her hands flying to her face in horror.

Megumin, however, looked crestfallen. “That’s it? You got us to write in your stupid diary?”

“YES! MWAHAHAHAHHA!” Tom cackled.

“Tom, we all write in your diary,” Lavender said, sounding exasperated. “Who cares?”

“YES! But you see, THAT IS NO ORDINARY DIARY! IT IS-”

“A horcrux!” Aqua interrupted.

Tom paused, and turned to shoot a death glare at Aqua. “Do you mind? This is my dramatic moment! I cannot have my moment of triumph sullied by comments from the peanut gallery!”

“Oh, sorry,” Aqua said, and made a “go on” motion to Tom.

“Thank you. YES! IT IS MY HORCRUX!”

“NO!!!!!” Megumin wailed.

“What’s a horcrux?” Dust asked. “And can I take off the blindfold now?”

“What is- YES! Take off the blindfold!” Tom snapped. “You need to behold my triumph!”

Once everyone had removed their blindfolds, he continued. “A HORCRUX IS A HORRIBLE DARK ARTIFACT, ONE THAT I MANUFACTURED AT THE TENDER AGE OF 17!”

“You don’t look more than 13,” Hermione pointed out.

“SHUT UP! I, er, shrunk. Um, anyway, I CRAFTED THE HORCRUX!”

“How’d you do it!?” Megumin gasped.

Tom hesitated. “Er, well, I don’t really remember. I, um, I’ve sort of been losing some of my memories…BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT! CLEARLY IT WAS A SUPER COOL RITUAL THAT MY GENIUS MIND INVENTED!”

“No, you learned it from Slughorn, who got it from Herpes the Foul or something,” Aqua said.

“What?! That’s not nearly- Slughorn!? The potions professor?! No, that can’t be right. I wouldn’t come up with something lame like a potion!” Tom whined.

“YOU TAKE THAT BACK! POTIONS ARE AMAZING!” Megumin shouted.

“Ugh, they’re so overplayed! No, a proper dark artifact! Yes, my diary clearly isn’t a potion, but a powerful relic! Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if I retrieved it from a forgotten tomb of an ancient and powerful magus during my many adventures!” Tom bragged.

“Actually, it says ‘Better Books’ on the inside of the cover,” Luna corrected. “I’m pretty sure that’s a muggle store.”

“I would never!” Tom huffed. “Anyway, that’s not the point! The point is, I’m a genius, and you have clearly all fallen for my diabolical plan, and are now at my mercy!”

“Wow. You’re so smart. You got us to sign a guest registry. Nice one, pal,” Kazuma said, giving Tom a thumbs up, which he quickly turned into another gesture, one that is quite rude.

“How dare-! Ugh, look, by writing in the diary, you’re now connected to it, you see? And I can drain your souls and bodies to bring myself back to life!” Tom explained, looking extremely put out.

“That’s more of a phylactery than anything else,” Megumin said with a shake of her head. “Also, that’s not how phylactery’s work.”

“Shows what you know! Liches are super cool!” Tom argued. “I should know, Miss Wiz is one and she showed me- NEVER MIND! Look, you’re all going to die now to fuel my rise to power, and that’s that. Um, sorry, Yunyun, I didn’t really want to, but…well, the road to world domination is one fraught with peril, and, well, some sacrifices must be made.”

“Tom! How could you!” Yunyun gasped, tears filling her eyes. “Why would you even-”

Looking away, Tom tried to hide his own tears. “I’m sorry. I just…I can’t be trapped as a ghost any more. I want to live, Yunyun. I just…if we could have been friends…”

Breaking down into tears, Tom snapped his fingers. All around him, the children collapsed, with Yunyun falling to the floor with a sigh.

“Masssster!” Sylvia wailed, lowering herself on her snakelike tail to pick up Yunyun’s fallen body. “How could you?!”

“It’s how it has to be, Sylvia. It’s alright, you can be my chief lieutenant as I march my forces to victory,” Tom said, sighing. He closed his eyes, and his form shimmered, then began to grow solid. “Yes…yes! I CAN FEEL IT! MY POWER IS SURGING, I SHALL-”

“CONFRINGO!”

Tom let out a squawk, jumping back as a red blast flew over his head, blowing a chunk out of the ceiling. He turned, stunned, and saw Megumin standing there, a triumphant grin on her face.

“What?! How!? My plan was fool proof!” Tom wailed. Proving that he just hadn’t had enough experience with this particular group of fools.

“I never signed your diary! My genius intellect warned me no to do so, and I was able to-”

“I thought you just said it was a dumb name for a club,” Aqua said, stepping up next to Megumin.

“I-I never said that!” Megumin protested. “I saw through his cunning plan! And how are you still up!? You signed!”

“Oh, I’m a goddess. The curse must be pretty weak, because I never even felt it. Obviously, such a weak curse could never affect me,” Aqua said with a shrug.

“It is not weak! It stopped everyone else!” Tom whined.

“You will releassssse my friendssss. NOW!” Sylvia roared, slamming her tail down, her eyes glowing malevolently.

“I-I can’t! Once the spell starts, there’s no way to stop it, short of me dying!” Tom said, flinching back.

“That can be arranged,” Slyvia hissed, spreading her arms wide and slowly lowering herself.

“Um, I- HEAR AND OBEY! THE KEY OF SLYTHERIN IS AMBITION OVER ALL!” Tom cried.

Sylvia screamed, putting her hands to her head. Then, slowly, she lowered them, her eyes dull and vacant. “I obey, master.”

“Hmph. I knew that little safeguard would be necessary,” Tom sniffed, becoming less and less translucent with every passing moment.

“Hear and obey! The key of Slytherin is ambition over all!” Megumin shouted.

Sylvia looked at her, a bit of drool leaking down one side of her mouth. “I hear and obey, mistress.”

“What!? You can’t, I’m the REAL Heir! Hear and obey! The key of Slytherin is ambition over all!”

“Yes, master, I-”

“Hear and obey! The key of Slytherin is ambition over all!”

“I obey, mistress…”

“ARRGH! There’s only one way to settle this!” Tom declared. He was fully real now, and bent down, taking Yunyun’s wand from her robe. He stood up, pointing it at Megumin. “A proper duel!”

“HA HA! YES! THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR!” Megumin cheered. “Stand aside, Aqua! My hour of glory is at hand!”

“Hmph. This time, I will not fail, Potter!” Tom bragged. The two of them hopped up on mounds of rubble, and posed.

“Now, I will unleash my mightiest spell!” Tom bragged. “You shall fall!”

“So shall I! Let us begin!

Hear me, Crimson Lord of Darkness!

Adrift upon the Sea of Chaos,

I call to thee, I ask this boon!”

“Oh, that’s a good one!” Tom said. “Hmm, I was just going to cast some Unforgivables, but I suppose a poem first wouldn’t hurt…”

Megumin ignored him, and continued to chant, even as glowing circles and swirling colors appeared around her.

And to thee I offer this pledge:

So all those in equal measure--

Fools that they are to block our path–

This was what she was made for. This was what she was born to do. She could see the power. Feel it. It was all around her, just waiting to be unleashed!

“Uh, Megumin, I don’t think that this is a good idea,” Aqua said, sounding a little worried. Megumin blocked her out, along with Tom, who was muttering various very bad poems under his breath.

Shall face destruction unconstrained

Grant me power,and unleash thine!

EXPLOSION!”

Megumin felt the wonderful surge of power, and grinned as Chunchumaru fired a massive blast.

Then, the color drained from everything, save for Aqua, and a figure with purple eyes and a feathered mantle appeared, even as Megumin saw her beautiful spell begin to engulf the entire tunnel around her.

“Hey Megumin, what’s up,” the stranger asked.

“Nothing, I have simply unleashed my most wondrous spell, once more defeating Voldemort!” Megumin bragged from her face down position on the floor.

The figure turned, studying the spell, which was just blooming into the heart of a new sun. “Right. Of course. OK, you can go back to regular time.”

Eris snapped her fingers, and Megumin fell out of the time bubble. Then she turned to Aqua, and slapped her. “WHAT THE HELL, AQUA!”

“Um, I can explain?” Aqua offered.

Eris glared at her, and Aqua deflated. “Ok, um, I sort of remembered…but it was too late, and er…well, you know how Megumin is…”

“Yeah…” Eris looked around, and shook her head. “Well, this is gonna be a TPK. Just as my quidditch career was really taking off….Dammit! I was going to get more dubs than Jordan!”

“Huh?” Aqua blinked, scratching at her head.

“Never mind. Look, I am not scrubbing this run yet. So, here’s what we’re gonna do…”

The Melancholy of Kazuma Sato, Chapter 53

If Itsuki hadn’t knownknow better, he would have called the fact that the big dramatic final battle was to take place at North High ironicy. Instead, he decided it was simply thematically appropriate. He wasn’t sure what an actually ironic location would be, but the pedandant within him wouldn’t let him call this situation that. Even if it was the sort of weird logic that Haruhi would have enforced.

“Even when you’re not here, you guide us all,” Koizumi mused to himself.

“What was that? You want me to knife them all?”

Itsuki very carefully pasted a smile on his face and turned to the girl walking next to him. “No, Miss Asakura, we would prefer you knife our opponents, not your allies.”

“Hmm, OK, but I am going to insist on killing Kyon when this is all over. I need to protect Yuki!”

Well, that was a headache for Future Itsuki. Though considering some of the people he knew, that could end up being Past Koizumi. Well, not unless he had a mind wipe, but again, with the things that happened around him, not impossible.

“I like your spirit, Ryokou, but we’re not actually trying to kill Kyon. Save your stabbing for the Data Overmind and Sky Canopy, or maybe a sparringsparing session later!”

Right. Itsuki did his best to smile politely at Tsuruya. He had known something was up with her for a while, though even the most wild of guesses from the Organization hadn’t had “half blooded oni” on their bingo cards.

“Let’s try to focus on the mission at hand, shall we?” Itsuki said, smiling at the two girls.

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry, we’re super ready for this!” Tsuruya laughed, making Itsuki certain they were very much not ready for this.

But they had to try anyway.

They ended up splitting up and going to their separate classrooms, and Ituski steeled himself for what came next. He chatted amicably with some of his classmates as they filtered in, but then the bell rang and the nightmare began.

“Hey, what’s up? Your teachers are all at some sort of mandatory training event. I guess because of that incident a while back they think this is America or something and have to undergo an active shooter drill. Waste of time if you ask me. But anyway, I’m your substitute teacher for today. You can call me Mr. Sato. Don’t ask me how to write it; figure it out yourselves. It would amuse me. Anyway, let’s do attendance.”

Doing his best to smile through the pain, Itusuki watched as Kazuma the Elder scratched at himself and took attendance. He was dressed in a somewhat rumpled looking suit, not at all professional. Though, on second thought, that might be to hide the impressive number of weapons that Itsuki was fairly certain the man had on him. Despite being a middle aged office worker, it turned out that the man had not only a number of guns, but various bombs, knives, a short sword, and several other illegal things.

At the same moment, the various other adults were taking over as substitute teachers in the other classrooms, with Tiana in Ryoko’s class, and Thalia  teaching Emiri Kimidori’s class. A very fit looking janitor was mopping the hall somewhere, though Seiya had on makeup and glasses to try and disguise himself as it was fairly likely he would be recognized if he just showed up in his normal outfit.

The rest of the teachers were all on either the Organization’s payroll, or Tsuruya’s family’s. The only teacher that remained the same was Darkness, and it was upon her that the entire plan hinged.

Well, that and the fact that North High was full of a bunch of weirdos.

What it had come down to was that it was devilishly hard to track the movements of Kimidori, and the Data Overmind in general. If they tried to converge on the Data Overmind before or after school, who knew what would happen. But, there was enough weirdness at North High that their plan wouldn’t attract that much attention.

It all came down to when the Seniors were having PE. Itsuki made his excuses and moved towards the target site, with Kazuma excusing himself from the math block as well.

“Don’t sweat it kid, it’ll work,” Kazuma told Itsuki as they hurried towards the field.

Itsuki spared a moment to glare at Kazuma. “I know it will, it’s my plan. So long as you all carry it out, things will be fine.”

“Wow. I guess I had Main Character syndrome as bad as you do when I was in highschool. Or rather wasn’t,” Kazuma chuckled.

“Well, unlike you, I’ll get to stay in my world after I save it,” Itsuki snapped.

“Maybe. Just remember that when I got home tonight, I get to sleep with my goddess,” Kazuma said, giving the most shit eating grin Itsuki had ever seen.

He sputtered, but couldn’t come up with anything before they came to where Seiya was waiting.

“You ready?” Kazuma asked.

“I am perfectly prepared,” Seiya said.

“Good. Let’s do this and get our little girls back,” Kazuma declared.

That part confused Itsuki, but then it was too late. The fire alarm went off, all according to plan. The boys on the track field milled about confused for a moment, until the teacher herded them away. With the coast clear, the three of them sprinted for the gym where the girls were, and a glowing light could now be seen.

As they ran up, Tsuruya poked her head out the door, then opened it wide for them as they dashed in.

“Everything’s workin’ so far!” she said happily. “I gotta stay back so I don’t disrupt the divine energies, but you guys hurry in!”

Inside the gym they found Darkness putting Kimidori in a sleeper hold, with Ryoko kneeling on the floor beside them and watching with interest. The outline of the gym was glowing, and it was obvious that the painted lines for basketball and other sports had been turned into a magic circle. At either end, Thalia and Tiana stood, chanting a spell.

“So far, so good,” Koizumi said, smiling and putting his hands behind his back as he carefully walked forward.

“Not for long,” Kazuma said, slapping Itsuki on the back as he jogged by to where his wife was. “Get ready!”

Grunting, Itsuki reached into his pocket and pulled out an earpiece, which he turned on.

“Hostiles incoming,” crackled the voice of Mori. “Lots of them.”

“We’ll handle it,” Itsuki said, turning back to the door where a grinning Tsuruya already stood, rummaging in a gym bag. She pulled out a comically oversized mace, stepping out of the gym and twirling it with one hand.

“That’s what I wanted to hear!” Tsuruya cackled. “Come on, you bitches! BRING IT!”

A moment later, two blank faced girls charged the gym, moving faster than humanly possible. Though unlike with most people, calling them blank faced was not a figure of speech. Their faces lacked eyes, a mouth, or even a nose, though they did have ears. One had lavender hair, the other neon orange. They were both naked, but they had the anatomy of a barbie doll. They ran faster than a human could, but their motions were mechanical and unnatural.

Tsuruya charged to meet them, her flail flicking out and plowing into the first one. “HA HA HA HA!”

“Foolish,” Itsuki muttered, raising a hand and concentrating. A ball of energy quickly formed, and he pointed at the oncoming interface. “Fumoffu!”

His attack took the alien in the leg, and cartwheeled into the dirt, coming to a stop in a tangle of arms and legs. Having seen any number of horror movies, Itsuki did a double tap, blowing the alien in half, then looking around for more. Tsuruya was already fighting off three more aliens, her mace whirling about her as she jumped about, her motions those of a graceful but deadly predator. There was now a bright green horn growing out of her forehead, and the wind whipped around her as she moved.

More aliens approached, and Itsuki attacked again and again, using every trick he’d learned fighting the Celestials. Unlike those unwieldy titans though, these enemies were small, fast, and apparently interested in him now that he’d proven to be a threat. He was forced to divert some of his attention to forming a bubble of force around himself, as one of the aliens attacked with a strike that could have shattered steel.

He grunted, then unleashed a blast of energy. “Unquenchable Five Alarm Fire!”

The alien was blasted to pieces, leaving a spray of all too human looking blood, and making Koizumi wretch. He’d faced off against human opponents before, but he’d never actually killed anyone. Injured, yes, but this wasn’t the sort of fight where you pull your punches.

Somehow, one of the aliens dropped from the room, kicking Itsuki and his bubble hard enough that he was tossed to the side. His bubble bounced off the wall, and his face smacked into the forcefield. He lost concentration, and the bubble popped. He lay there, dazed, as the white haired alien girl spun about, launching a downward kick that should have crushed his skull like a melon.

“Bind!”

A steel cable snaked out, wrapping itself around the alien and binding her arms and legs to her side. She topped over, and Itsuki staggered to his feet, clutching his swelling face. There was a cut above his left ear, and it was bleeding. He felt a bit woozy, but he’d survive.

“Come here, Koizumi. Lesser Heal,” Kazuma said, grabbing Koizumi’s shoulder. The cut suddenly closed, and he stood, feeling much better.

“Thanks,” he managed, looking out to the field. There were now a dozen bodies at Tsuruya’s feet, though her school uniform was now stained with dirt and blood, half her green hair was blackened and burned, and she was covered in cuts and bruises. She fought on though, her insane laughter punctuated by the bone shattering impact of her morning star.

“Now there’s a girl who loves her work,” Kazuma said dryly, raising an honest to god bow.

“Where did you even get that?” Itsuki muttered, standing and raising a hand towards one of the aliens Tsuruya was fighting.

“You don’t carry a bow strung. Not that hard to hide a short recurve like this one. SNIPE!”

An arrow took the alien Itsuki had been about to take out in the knee, sending her to the ground. “You did that on purpose.”

“Shut up and fight. Banter is for after,” Kazuma lectured.

“You’re the one bantering,” Itsuki muttered, but kept on fighting. Behind him, he could hear the sounds of fighting from Hina and her friends as they took on more of the aliens. It felt like they’d been fighting for ages, but it hadn’t even been ten minutes yet.

Suddenly, the aliens that were attacking them froze and toppled over. Itsuki and Kazuma paused, watching them cautiously, but they didn’t even twitch as Tsuruya pulped several more of them with her mace.

“Kazuma, Kazuma!” Thalia’s voice called.

“That’s my name, honey,” Kazuma said, turning around. “You good?”

“I think so? Um, you’d better come check.”

Leaving the still giggling Tsuruya behind, Itsuki and Kazuma hurried back into the gym. The court was no longer glowing, and both Thalia and Tiana were kneeling on the ground, apparently winded and drained. Darkness had let go of Kimidori, who seemed to be unconscious on the ground. Ryoko was laying there as well, eyes open and breathing hard, her expression dazed.

“Did it work?” Itsuki asked, hurrying over to crouch by the humanoid interfaces.

Kazuma was supporting Thalia, and gave her a thumbs up as he helped her sit. “Nice one! The connection is severed?”

“Yeah, and their power is sealed,” Thalia said, nodding and looking like she’d just run a marathon, sweat streaking her forehead.

“Asakura?” Itsuki asked, putting a hand on the blue haired girl’s neck. Her pulse was racing, but strong.

“I feel…” she slowly sat up, hand to her forehead. But she was smiling. “Free! I’m…I’m free! I can do whatever I want now! I can finally kill Kyon!”

“That’s…nice. And Kimidori?” Itsuki prompted.

“So you’ll let me kill Kyon?” Asakura asked hopefully.

Itsuki almost suggested she kill Kazuma instead, but shook his head. “Sorry, that’s not an option. But what about Kimidori?”

“Oh, well, she’s fine. I think. But the Data Overmind was sort of split between us, and then…it shrank? I don’t know how to describe it. It’s not gone, I can sense the power but…there’s a barrier there.” Asakura shrugged. “Oh well.”

“Well, that’s one threat down,” Itsuki sighed. He stood, wiping his sweaty palms surreptitiously on his slacks. “Well, next up is-”

“You fools,” Kimidori groaned, stirring on the floor. “You utter fools…”

“None of that,” Darkness said firmly. “Your power is bound. You’re not quite a normal girl, but if you try anything-”

Kimidori’s hand shot out, grabbing Koizimi’s pants leg. Tears ran down her face, and he couldn’t quite read her expression. She looked angry, but also terrified?”

“I WAS HOLDING IT IN CHECK!” Kimidori screamed, spittle flying as she pounded one fist on the hardwood floor. “NOW YOU’VE DOOMED THIS PATHETIC PLANET, AND ME!”

Koizumi frowned. “What do you-”

The ground shook, and Koizumi let out a cry as a voice pounded in his head.

WANT. COMMUNICATE.

“Oh hell,” Koizumi gasped. He stumbled outside with the others, where Tsuruya was already whirling her chain as she looked above them.

The sky had been rent asunder, showing a thousand flashing lights, as hundreds of figures floated in the air.

COMMUNICATE. NOW.

The dead, doll-like face of Kuyou Suou looked down on them, as hundreds, no, thousands, maybe millions, of her clones slowly descended.

Kazuma summed up the situation nicely: “Well. Shit.”

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Somehow, Fujiwara had survived.

Well, OK, the somehow was more of an “as soon as he saw things going south he fled like the yellow-bellied snake he was” and less of an unexplained ass pull, but it was still frustrating and annoying for everyone involved.

Still, when he appeared before Tanya, trembling and pale faced, she couldn’t help but grind her teeth.

“How did you fail?” Tanya demanded, looking up from her maps.

“Well, you see, I don’t like to think of it as a failure, more of a changing of objectives and a learning-”

“If you lie to me, there is but one punishment,” Tanya growled. She was of course referring to giving the idiot latrine duty for the next two weeks, but by Fujiwara’s reaction that wasn’t where his mind went.

“It was the minions fault! They must have missed with their bombardment!” Fujiwara squeaked, prostrating himself in an abject display of a complete lack of honor and spine. “Then they retaliated with far more firepower than they should have had! You said Megumin could only use one Explosion, but I fled after the second one!”

Actually, Fujiwara had fled after the first, but there weren’t any other survivors to contest his claim. He’d seen to that.

“Scrying of the battlefield indicates that no fewer than four of the Crimson Terror’s spells were used on our positions,” Visha reported, marking the locations on the map. “It seems that Megumin can bypass her daily limit.”

“Very well. Reports indicate that she did the same both times she assaulted the Devil King’s fortress,” Tanya said, nodding as she stood on her stool to look down on the map. She turned away from Fujiwara, already dismissing him from her mind.

“We need a new location,” Tanya said, rubbing her chin as she studied the map. “The fortress is half ruined, and if we attempt to defend it, Megumin shall simply blow it up as she has done before.”

“What about a night ambush?” Visha suggested.

“Crimson Demons see in the dark better than even our forces,” Tanya sighed. “It will not work.”

“What about a dungeon?”

Both Tanya and Visha looked at Fujiwara, who had gotten up and was trying to act like the embarrassing incident had never happened.

“Why would we bottle up our forces underground?” Visha asked, sounding exasperated.

“Well, you need to lure them in, right? So why not lure them to somewhere their greatest asset can’t be used?” Fujiwara asked. Clearly missing the fact that a chuunibyou gremlin is more of a liability than an asset.

“We’d have the advantage in a dungeon,” the Devil Queen remarked, speaking for the first time on her throne. “The dark mana that pools there can be harnessed to spawn strong monsters that will be loyal to us, and instinctively attack gods and heroes.”

“Hmmm.” Tanya tapped the map, where the notation of ‘Labyrinth of Madness’ was written. “What of this one?”

The Devil Queen stood, coming over to examine the map. “Ah. One of the deepest and oldest dungeons. It has been cleared several times, though it is currently empty. And it is where my father died.”

“Hmm. Could we relocate enough of our forces there to give a proper battle?” Tayna asked.

“Of course. Several of our mages know spells to teleport there, as it is a good location of materials for advanced magical items. Plus, Ferdinand is a lovely man. He and I take tea together frequently,” the Devil Queen said with a nod.

“Very well! Prepare our forces! For tonight, we take tea in the Labyrinth of Madness!” Tanya declared.

“Oh, can we have little cucumber sandwiches? I like those,” Visha asked.

Tanya rolled her eyes. “If you insist.”

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Walking through hilly wastelands was not ordinarily Kyon’s idea of a good time. Walking through what appeared to be the final zone before a boss fight was his idea of a living nightmare. Or, well, it would have been if it hadn’t been for his traveling companion.

Another nightmarish creature with too many heads and a fire breathing tail screamed in agony from four throats, then collapsed as Yuki cut off all four heads, and the tail for good measure.

“No fair!” Haruhi complained, planting her hands on her hips and glaring up at Yuki as she hopped down from the chimera. “You got the last one too! The next is mine!”

“Ladies, please. There’s enough horrible monsters for everyone. There’s no need to fight,” Kyon sighed.

“Kyon! I am behind in today's kill count! I demand that you give me more manatite that I may lay low these wastrels!” Megumin snarled from her perch on Mikuru’s back. When they’d been attacked by a swarm of monstrous dragonflies that morning, Megumin had blown them all to kingdom come, but she’d been useless since then.

Getting a free mulligan against a horde of end game foes was definitely a good thing though.

“No way. We need to save that for when we’re in actual danger. If I give it to you, you’ll just blow up the first slightly threatening thing you see!” Kyon said, crossing his arms in an X. He did have about a dozen chunks of manatite left, but he wasn’t going to give it to Megumin unless they found an actual boss monster.

“H-how come so many monsters keep attacking us?” Mikuru sniffed, turning to trudge back along the trail.

“Because we’ve got two pairs of primo monster bait with us,” Kazuma snorted. Then he seemed to consider something, and shrugged. “Well, maybe three.”

“Hey! It’s not my fault I’m low level!” Kyon snapped. “And Mikuru has been working really hard! She took out some of those zombies last night, and she’s level 9 now!”

“Yeah, it ain’t the normies that are the lures.” Kazuma grinned and jerked his chin at Aqua, who was walking alongside him. “They just looooove the smell of divine mana.”

“Hey! That’s just the undead. Mostly. We’re just in a high level zone with a lot of monsters! Maybe they’re just attracted to the scent of a nice juicy NEET!” Aqua protested.

The land they walked through didn’t seem like it could support the sheer number of huge apex predators they’d come across, that was for sure. The same scraggly trees and thorny bushes dotted the rocky hills, with the only semi-normal animals they had seen some sort of huge ostrich like birds Kazuma had called “hawkkites.”

Even that large flock didn’t seem to be enough to support the dragon flies, gargoyles, griffins, or chimera that had attacked so far today. To say nothing of the coven of vampires, horde of zombies, and bunch of ghosts that had plagued them the night before.

When Kyon voiced this opinion, Aqua shrugged. “Monsters spawn in regions with a lot of ambient mana. The reason the Devil King built his fortress here was because of that same mana. Is it any wonder there’s so many monsters?”

“That is why the Crimson Demon Village is located on the edge of the frontier! That we might harvest the abundant mana to work our dark magics!” Megumin cackled.

“Isn’t it actually because you’re a bunch of edgy loners who thought living away from everyone else would be mysterious and cool?” Kazuma asked.

“S-shut up! We did it for the mana!” Megumin said, blushing and trying to hide behind Mikuru’s wimple.

With a sigh, Kyon looked around for the next inevitable random encounter. Aqua could give all the technobabble she wanted: Kyon had played enough RPGs to know a random encounter when he saw one.

“There are currently no hostile lifeforms in the vicinity.”

He looked down, and found Yuki striding along beside him, her eyes forward. She didn’t seem even slightly hurt or tired, despite having slain both a griffin and a manticore. “You doing OK?”

“Yes.” Yuki opened her hand, and Kyon took it, giving it a squeeze and closing his eyes.

They walked in silence for a minute, until Yuki spoke. “Are you OK?”

“That obvious, huh?” Kyon said with a chuckle.

“Negative. This is why I have inquired. My research indicates that reciprocal inquiries to an individuals’ state of mind are the norm. However, despite long observation, I cannot ascertain your current mood.”

“I guess…I’m fine? But…” Kyon let out a long sigh, and looked to Yuki. “Do you…like it here?”

Yuki considered this. “I am with you.”

That made Kyon’s heart go pitter-patter, and a stupid grin spread over his lips, but he shook his head. “No, I mean, do you like life here, in Belzerg? Do you want to stay here?”

“I enjoyed reading Arue’s book. I am told there is a large library in the capital. You are here. Mikuru Asahina and Haruhi Suzumiya are here, as are Kazuma Sato and Aqua Mizu. Staying here is adequate.”

A lump formed in Kyon’s throat, and he made himself ask, “So, you’d rather stay here than go back to Japan? Be an Adventurer, or even a goddess, instead of whatever boring life we’d lead there?”

“I would prefer to be where you are.”

“Well, yeah, me too. I mean, it’s stupid, but…” Tears formed in Kyon’s eyes, and he shook his head, angry at himself. “I mean, I miss my family. Especially my kid sister. And, well, my friends like that idiot Taniguchi. Don’t get me wrong! If I have to pick, I pick where you are, Yuki. But…if I could have both…”

“I see. Then we shall return to Japan,” Yuki said, as if the matter was settled.

“What?! I mean, don’t you like it here better?” Kyon asked.

Yuki didn’t respond, her brow only furrowing slightly as if she was puzzled by the question, so Kyon elaborated.

“I mean, here, you can be yourself. You don’t have to hide that you’re an alien. People like you for who you are. And, well, you’re pretty damn awesome here. Back home too, but here you can kick serious ass. Don’t you enjoy all that?”

Yuki nodded, and was quiet again, obviously deep in thought. At last, she looked up, a slight quirk of her lips showing a smile. “They do not have Starcraft here. Therefore, we should return to Japan.”

That made Kyon bark out a laugh before he knew what was happening. “Ha! Then maybe you should move to Korea.”

This obviously confused Yuki, and her forehead wrinkled slightly again. “You would prefer Korea to Japan?”

“No, I mean, maybe? It’s different, I guess. Korea’s not that far from Japan, and it’s still on Earth. I could call or text my family, and visit sometimes. It’s different, you know?’

“No. But that is why I have you,” Yuki said, and gave Kyon’s hand another squeeze.

“Maybe that’s my superpower,” Kyon joked, but Yuki nodded seriously, and he sobered. “Thanks. We’ll stick together, no matter what.”

He supposed the odds that you’d fall in love with a girl your junior year of high school, well, Freshman Year really, and spend the rest of your life with her were low. Like something out of a sappy romance manga. But, well, considering his best friends were an alien, an esper, a time traveler, and a bonafide goddess…well. Maybe his life was a bit like a manga after all.

“I wonder if I’m a quirky side character, or the main character?” Kyon mused to himself.

“Definitely a side character! Because clearly, I’m the main character!” Haruhi said from right behind Kyon, making him jump. She laughed, slapping Kyon on the back. “Ha ha! Don’t worry, Kyon! Even if you’re the jilted love interest, you’re still at least somewhat interesting. After all, you’re in my story!”

“Talk about a god complex,” Kyon complained, then groaned when he realized his error.

“Well, I always knew I was special, and I was right! Come on, Kyon! Lollygaggers don’t get any treasure when we loot the bosses’ lair!”

Haruhi took off ahead, and Kyon sighed and trudged after her. Only to let out a cry when one of the rocks turned out to be a giant lizard of some sort, which tried to eat Haruhi. A brief swing of her sword, however, turned it into a headless corpse.

“Sheesh. That girl really does have too much energy.”

They walked on for several hours, until they came to an encampment of orcs in a valley along a babbling brook.

“So let me get this straight. They’re ALL female?” Kyon asked incredulously.

“Yeah, but don’t get your hopes up. They might be amorous but they have a face like a horse's behind and you’ll suffer death by snu-snu,” Kazuma told him.

Kyon gave him a blank look. “And that means?”

“You’ll die from too much sex,” Haruhi explained, giving Kazuma a wide grin. “My dad and I love to watch Futurama to…geth…er…oh.”

“I’m not your damn dad! But Futurama does kick ass. The sub is superior though,” Kazuma stated in a superior tone.

“So I take it they reproduce, uh, with other species?” Kyon asked.

“Don’t let yourself get taken alive,” Kazuma said seriously, and Kyon gulped.

“They would harm Kyon?” Yuki asked, suddenly standing up from where they’d been crouching atop a ridgeline.

“They’d just rape him to death,” Kazuma said sarcastically. “Listen, sit down it will be-”

Yuki zipped down the hill almost faster than the eye could see, weapons at the ready. She was no longer wielding them with her hands, instead her sword, axe, and hammer floated about her, ready for slaughter. The orcs looked up just in time for Yuki to hit them like a thunderclap, and Kyon could only watch in horrified fascination. It was like watching a lion take on a bunch of baby gazelles.

“No fair, I only need 300 more xp to level up!” Harhuhi shouted, jumping up and sprinting down the hill herself. Two orcs charged to meet her, and four dead lumps hit the ground moments later.

“DAMMIT YOU TWO, YOU’RE GOING TO GET YOURSELF HURT!” Kazuma cried, and hurried after them, waving Chunchumaru.

“Hey! Kazuma! Haruhi! Yuki! Wait for meeeeee!” Aqua wailed, tripping and tumbling down the hill. She tripped Kazuma up too, and the two of them fell into a bush in a tangle of arms and legs.

Kyon, for his part, stayed behind and guarded Mikuru. This was a very important duty, and one he accomplished with aplomb. He supposed Megumin was there too, but he didn’t really think she needed guarding, even if she was sleeping.

After the slaughter was done, Kyon went down to see if there were any useful supplies. Haruhi seemed to have suffered a few cuts and bruises, though most of that seemed to be from her charging through several structures and getting some splinters. Yuki, for her part, was completely unharmed, and had found a satchel with some scrolls in it, which she was pursuing.

“Anything interesting?” Kyon asked, and Yuki wordlessly handed him the parchment. He looked it over, then swore. The scroll seemed to be a message, one that indicated the Devil Queen had retreated deep into a dungeon. “Kazuma! Come take a look at this!”

Kazuma stopped his latest argument with Aqua to trot over. He took the scroll and started reading.

“This sounds bad,” Kyon said seriously. “If they’re holed up in a defensive position we can’t use Megumin on…”

To his surprise, Kazuma started laughing. He was laughing so hard he dropped the scroll, clutching at his belly.

“What? This isn’t funny!” Kyon said, snatching up the scroll and rolling it up.

“Those…those poor dumb bastards!” Kazuma chortled, wiping his eyes with one hand.

“What do you mean? Now we’ll have to fight our way through what’s supposed to be the deadliest dungeon in the kingdom, with no way to use Megumin to just blow most of them up like the plan was!” Kyon argued.

“I…I have three teleport locations registered,” Kazuma hiccupped. “One, my mansion in Axel. Two, the bar in Axel. And three…”

Kyon’s eyes widened. “No way.”

“...the bottom floor of the Labyrinth of Madness,” Kazuma giggled. “We won’t have to fight our way in at all. This will be a piece of cake.”

Hesitantly, Kyon returned Kazuma’s smile. Maybe, for once, it really would be easy.

Legend of Galactic Zeroes Chapter 16 (sightly less NSFW version)

Commissioned by Shaderic

Beta’d and edited by Dr_Feelgood and The Grand Cogitator

The party was over, and Kazuma had half nursed a hope that Darkness would meet him back in her lavish bedroom for his agreed upon reward. Or at least some heavy petting.

But no. They were in that stupid command bunker again.

“We’re already getting reports from across the system. Attacks by the Space Devil King’s forces at the capitol of Natsume are being repelled by Prince Jatice, but Brindle is taking heavy losses, as is Elroad, with the enemy making planetfall on both. And various other smaller conflicts. We’re being pressed hard everywhere but Axel,” Duke Ignis said, still in his tuxedo and leaning tiredly on his cane as he sat at the head of the command table.

Kazuma was tempted to say something along the lines of “And how is this my problem,” but one look at Chris and Aqua told him that wasn’t really an option.

“Do we know where Vanir is?” Chris demanded, standing at her seat and glaring towards the display that showed the conflicts across the solar system.

“He’s not shown his mask yet, though that’s hardly a surprise. Since he was here, he couldn’t have traveled to another world yet,” Ignis said with a slight shake of his head.

“Well wherever he is, we’ll find him and punch him in his stupid face!” Aqua huffed.

“The main problem we need to deal with is much closer, and more pressing,” Ignis said, and nodded to Admiral Harrington, who stepped up and gestured.

“Axis Station on the nearby ice moon of Alcanrettia is under assault by Hans the Poison Slime and his forces,” Harrington pointed to another moon that orbited the same gas giant, this one much smaller than Axel, and a white pearl to Axis’ dusty brown megacontinent amidst a blue sea. Hans himself turned out to be some boring looking guy, which made Kazuma wonder about his name.

Harrington continued, “If they manage to taint that moon, the water supply for half the system will be in grave danger, including our own. While we have a stable source of water on the surface, without water for our forces in space, we’ll be stranded and become sitting ducks for the Space Devil King.”

“Could we build facilities to send water into space?” Darkness asked the advisors.

They shook their heads. “We’d need massive desalination plants. What little fresh water we have we need. Combined with having to construct a way to affordably get that much water into orbit…it would take years.”

“Alcanretia’s gravity is half that of Axel, which means there would be additional complications in even getting payloads into space,” Ignis agreed. He sighed, rubbing his temples. “Our forces are still recovering, and we can’t afford to send them off and leave ourselves defenseless. Which means-”

The door to the command center was kicked open, and a masked man sprang in, causing Kazuma to let out a yell and jump to his feet.

“BEHOLD! IT IS I, HIROPON, FIRST CAPTAIN OF THE CRIMSON PIRATE CLAN, AND HE WHO WILL AID YOU IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED!”

Behind the man, Kazuma saw an overly endowed young woman with the red eyes and black hair of the clan make a face that screamed “embarrassed teenage daughter,” then scurry into the room as the flamboyant leader of the Crimson Pirate Clan swaggered in.

On closer inspection, Kazuma saw that it wasn’t a mask so much as two eyepatches, which raised the question of how Hiropon could see a damn thing. He was dressed in what could only be described as the most stereotypical pirate outfit Kazuma had ever seen: a (fake) peg leg, red and black pinstripe trousers, white and black striped shirt with a red leather vest over it, a bicorn hat with a red skull and crossbones, and of course a red bandana under that. There were more belts that were strictly practical, into which were shoved several knives, a cutlass, a variety of pistols that sure looked like flintlocks, what had to be a worn old treasure map, and of course, more eyepatches just in case.

Behind the pair three squealing pirates swarmed in and grabbed Megumin, sweeping her up in an embrace.

“My daughter! We’re so proud of you,” said the first, which was a man wearing what looked an awful lot like a pirate version of Joseph Joestar cosplay.

“We were so worried about you!” a woman who looked like the pirate version of Tifa Lockheart if someone had let the air out of her self inflatables said, rubbing her cheek against Megumin’s. “And you found a suitable partner! When can we expect grandbabies?!”

“Big sis, I saw the ‘splosion from space! I knew you were the coolest!” the world's youngest and most adorable version of Anne Bonny squealed, clutching on to Megumin’s arm.

The young woman from before hung back, still looking embarrassed, while Meguimin looked rather mortified herself.

“M-mom! T-that’s not- Look, what’s important is I have defeated Wolbach, and secured my place as the foremost genius of the Crimson Pirate Clan!” Megumin said, trying to wiggle out of her parents embrace.

“YAR-HAR-HAR!” Hiropon laughed, coming up and slapping Megumin on the back. “You have done well, Megumin! We were all a bit worried when you got kidnapped again, but you’ve proven yourself to be a true and worthy salty space dog!”

The little girl turned to Darkness, smiling up sweetly at her. “When there’s the wedding, will there be lots of cake? I like cake!”

“I, er, um, well, you see-” Darkness said, looking utterly flummoxed.

“Of course!” Ignis declared, hobbling over and bending down to smile at Megumin’s sister. “You’re cute as a button, you’ll just have to be the flower girl!”

“F-father! Now is not the time!” Darkness spluttered.

“Oh, don’t worry, Sylphinia can be a flower girl too, there will be enough roles at the wedding for everyone,” Ignis said, giving Darkness a wide smile.

In response, she put her head in her hands and groaned softly.

Kazuma slunk away from the group, hoping to dodge getting swept up in whatever that was. He was about to attempt to exit stage left out the door, when he heard the other Crimson Demon girl mutter, “This is just so embarrassing…how can father be so cringe?”

“You said it,” Kazuma agreed fervently. He glanced at the girl, who in contrast to the cosplay getup, was wearing a rather functional looking jumpsuit with a red eye insignia on it.

The girl glanced at him, then gasped, extending a shocked finger. “Y-you! You’re that man who kidnapped Megumin!”

“Woah! I did no such thing!” Kazuma said, raising his hands in protest.

“Yes, you did! You escaped from our prison and dragged her with you!”

“Uh, well, OK, I did do that, but it wasn’t a kidnapping! More of a, ah, hostage situation?”

“T-that isn’t any better!”

“Ok, fine! We did, but she could have left weeks ago! She just decided to stick around because she wanted to fuse with me!”

That made the other girl blush, her eyes darting towards Megumin, who was still being fussed over by her family. “Um, I thought…i-isn’t she marrying Lady Dustiness? I-I thought…well, um, I guess I’m glad she’s happy…”

“Look, you’ve got it all wrong! This is MY harem, not Darkness’! I’m the one all the girls are fusing with, thanks to my awesome mecha, the Lagan!” Kazuma protested. As an afterthought, he added, “Not that I’m opposed to a little yuri side action, mind you. Megumin with Darkness would be pretty hot.”

“W-what?!” the girl gasped in horror, her hands flying to her mouth. “You mean…Megumin is cheating on her fiancee?!”

“Eh, it’s more of an open relationship I guess?” Kazuma said, trying to remember what he knew about open relationships aside from what he’d read about in the worst kind of doujins and harem manga, which is to say, absolutely nothing.

“Oh! Uh…um…S-sorry for, um…My name is Yunyun!” the girl suddenly bowed to Kazuma, blushing mightily. “I, um, I’m Megumin’s rival…”

Kazuma frowned at that. “Her rival? Are you like, enemies or something?”

“N-no! Um, well, maybe? W-we have competitions, and um, compete to see who is more powerful…I-I was really worried when you kidnapped her…she, um, she isn’t being held against her will, is she?” Yunyun asked nervously.

Kazuma glanced over to where Megumin was trying to crawl under the table and die of embarrassment while her mother talked to an equally mortified Darkness about wedding dresses.

“-and it’s fine if one of you is pregnant, I know how to make a dress that doesn’t show! Or both of you, really!”

“MOM! I didn’t- Wait, you were pregnant when you got married?!”

“Do the math, dearie.”

Megumin muttered something when counting on her hands, then groaned and really did try to slide under the table.

“Wow, Big Sis, do you have a baby in your belly already?!”

“NO! Komekko, I haven’t even-” Megumin made several strangled noises, then managed to half hide under the table.

“We’re just so happy,” Chris said, dragging Megumin out to face humiliation like a woman. “However, we simply can’t dream of a wedding while the Space Devil King and his minions still roam free, right, Megumin?”

That got frantic nods from Megumin. “Yes! Absolutely! No way we could ever marry before the enemy is defeated, right Darkness?”

“Yes, absolutely! I, uh, have vowed to not rest until Vanir is defeated and his minions destroyed, and peace restored to the spheres!” Darkness agreed eagerly.

Both Ignis and Megu-mom looked incredibly disappointed. “But, well, you could still have children before then, right?”

“NO!” both girls cried in unison.

“Uh, well, about that,” Megu-dad said, coughing slightly. “Traditionally, the bride’s family pays, but, uh, since they’re both women…”

“Oh never fear, I’ve always dreamed of planning a big wedding for my daughter, I wouldn’t let anyone take away my chance to spoil her,” Ignis chuckled.

Megu-dad looked very relieved by that, but Komekko said in a loud clear voice: “Does that mean there’s no cake?”

“Goodness no! We can have cake right now, can’t we?” Ignis said, clapping his hands. “Bring us cake!”

“With sprinkles!” Komekko added eagerly.

And so, a great big sheet cake was brought in (with sprinkles) and Kazuma found himself going back over to the table instead of booking it. He was a bit hungry, and who could say no to cake?

“So, did you really just come here to embarrass Megumin and do wedding planning?” Kazuma asked around a mouthful of food.

“Oh, no! That’s not why we came at all,” Hiropon laughed. “We came to offer our services to crush the forces of the Space Devil King once more!”

“We, um, won the battle, but ah, well…we used up a lot of supplies and ammunition, and most of our mecha and the Crimson Dream were damaged in the fighting. W-we need repairs, and well…those are expensive,” Yunyun added.

“Sadly, there isn’t much money in piracy these days,” Megu-dad said mournfully, and Hiropon nodded.

“Too right, not enough villains with loads of treasure you can take, just law abiding citizens. How is a pirate to make a living that way?”

“So…let me get this straight,” Kazuma said. “You’re not willing to rob innocent people? What kind of-”

Darkness and Ignis kicked Kazuma under the table at the same time, with Ignis going the extra mile and poking Kazuma with his cane to boot.

“I understand. We’d be happy to extend the Crimson Pirate Clan’s mercenary contract,” Ignis said, shooting Kazuma a death glare.

“We’re not mercenaries!” all the Crimson Pirates cried, except for Yunyun, who slid Ignis a stack of paper.

“Um, if you could just call it a Letter of Marque…we’d really appreciate it…”

“Wait, there is one thing that should be added,” Chris interjected. “Take us along too! We’re going to put an end to Vanir!”

“Isn’t the real threat the Space Devil King?” Kazuma asked.

“No, he’s just a Freaky Alien Genotype,” Aqua told him. “Vanir’s actually a demon.”

“Really? Not a devil? Are we like, operating under DND rules where devils are lawful evil and demons are chaotic evil? Because if we are, he's more of a devil,” Kazuma pointed out.

“Regardless, I agree with Chris. We shall go with the Crimson Pirate Clan, and ensure our continued water supply,” Darkness said. “Is that acceptable to you, Captain Hiropon?”

“Of course! We shall plunder the booty of the Devil King together!” Hiropon decreed.

“I just wanted to plunder some booty tonight,” Kazuma complained.

There seemed to be a lot more to talk about and haggle over after that, but with the initial agreement reached, Darkness stood. “Well then, my companions and I have had an exhausting day. If we are to go away again soon, we will require rest. Ah, Megumin, will you be staying with your family, or…?”

“Nope! Let’s go to bed!” Megumin declared, shooting straight up out of her seat.

“Yeah, I’m bushed,” Kazuma agreed, yawning and stretching.

“I suppose we should rest. What about you, Aqua?” Chris asked.

“I wanna know about my ship! What did you Crimson Jerks do to her!? Where’s the Axis Queen?!” Aqua demanded.

“Let’s just go before she really gets into it,” Kazuma said, and hurried off before Aqua remembered he was the one who brought her and her useless ship on this mission in the first place.

Darkness led them to a servant’s door down the corridor, then up a set of narrow winding stairs. “I used to sneak through these as a girl. They’re still a good way to get around when you don’t want to be bothered by anyone.”

“As long as we get away from my mother and your father,” Megumin said with a shudder.

“I, er, um, well, while I do think it’s a bit soon to be talking about marriage…I am open to the idea of, um…being with…you. Um, all of you,” Darkness said, giving Megumin a nervous smile as they trod up the steps.

Megumin suddenly sat down and put her head in her hands. “I don’t know how I feel about it! The idea of unlimited funding is exactly what I want, and it is somewhat interesting to be a consort to a noble, and you’re all my good friends, I don’t know! I wanted to fuse with Kazuma and make big explosions but now my mother thinks I’m going to have Darkness’ babies!”

“Well, I mean…I do like you, Megumin, and, well, I guess I’m going to be fusing with the three of you…and it could be in and out of the Lagaan,” Kazuma suggested.

Megumin lifted her head to glare at Kazuma. “You are not helping right now!”

“Yeah…I guess we do need to talk.” Chris sat down next to Megumin, and made shooing motions to Kazuma and Darkness. “You two go figure yourselves out. I think maybe I should talk with Megumin.”

“But I-” Darkness began, but Kazuma grabbed her arm.

“Hey, you promised me a reward. Megumin can collect later, but I’m tired of talking.”

To Kazuma’s delight, Darkness melted, shivering slightly. “Oh, to be bossed around in my own mansion by this brute of a man! I-I will not let you harm my people, b-but if you would force yourself on me-”

Darkness let herself be pulled along, as Chris put her arm around Megumin. The dark haired girl leaned on Chris, and began pouring out her various mommy issues. “She’s always pressuring me! She hated when I ran off with Wolbach, and always said my mecha designs weren’t practical! That I should settle for a mere gatling gun or laser sword! Well, just because SHE let herself get roped into a boring life with my father as an inventor of dumb things like antimatter reactors or electromagnetic deflectors doesn’t mean I have to-”

Kazuma decided that was something he could address later. He’d have to figure out how to defuse or live with the Megu-bomb later, but for now, he was tired. And horny.

“W-wait,” Darkness called after Kazuma had marched up like a billion stairs. He was getting winded, and his legs were sore, but dammit he was getting what he deserved tonight!

“Don’t try to talk yourself out of this! You said you wanted to, and you promised,” Kazuma gasped, pausing to catch his breath.

“Yes, but-”

“And if it’s about Megumin, or getting married…I’ll be honest, right now, I don’t care. I just know you’re going to drag me into a bunch of insane battles! I’d rather lay around and play video games at home, but if I’m going to risk my life, I want to at least get laid doing it!”

“T-that is shockingly crude! How could you be so base!? But no, I mean-”

“And yeah I mean Chris did give me a handy, but she seems really gung ho on this harem ending and dammit, I want the golden ending! So are you up for this or not?!”

“I-I am, but, what I am trying to say is-”

“Well then stop stammering and spit it out! What is it!?”

“Um, you passed the landing to our room…”

Kazuma paused, then glared at the blushing Darkness. “Well, why didn’t you say so?!”

“Y-you wouldn’t let me…”

Muttering under his breath, Kazuma turned around and led Darkness through the correct door, into a hallway near her room. He paused, suddenly uncertain. Was he really going to just drag a girl to her room?

“A-aren’t you going to force me into my room, bind me to the bed, and force me to perform all sorts of denigrating acts?” Darkness asked, sounding more hopeful than anything else.

“I couldn’t force you to do anything! You’re basically the princess of this whole moon! I’m not some dope who has to ask for consent every five minutes but come on, this was your idea anyway!” Kazuma snapped.

Darkness blushed, looking down. “Could…could you pretend to force me?”

“That’s the hottest thing you’ve said all night,” Kazuma said, and pulled Darkness into a sudden kiss.

Despite the fact that she was taller and in heels, she sank to her knees so that Kazuma was pressing himself onto her, melting against him.

After half a minute of tongue hockey, they broke apart, Darkness clutching at him.

“Y-you fiend! Now will you debase me and ruin me for marriage forever?!”

“Well, if you ask so nicely…”

“Y-you cur!” Darkness giggled, but stood up and followed Kazuma into her room.

Once inside, Kazuma looked around the expansive space nervously for a moment, uncertain of what he should do next. He glanced at Darkness, who was fidgeting. Throwing caution (and sense) to the wind, Kazuma pointed a finger at Darkness. “Look, you might be the big bossy noble or whatever outside, but if we’re going to do this, then I’m the man! I’m the one in charge when we’re alone, you got it?”

Darkness moaned, and leaned against Kazuma. “T-that’s the best thing anyone’s ever said to me…”

Once they were in the room, Darkness managed to break a lamp, and urged Kazuma to spank her for it. In their awkward struggle, she managed to bruise his balls, and while Kazuma did hurt Darkness she always wanted more. He planned on actually punching both their V-Cards, but between their inexperience and weariness, he blew his load early and both of them ended up passing out, with the runners stranded on Third Base.

Groggily, Kazuma opened his eyes. His head was on a very soft pillow, but the rest of him was on some sort of rock hard surface. It wasn’t even flat, which was going to do all sorts of things to his back. He opened his eyes and turned his head, only to realize he’d fallen asleep on top of Darkness. He poked at her abs; she didn’t quite have a six pack, but she was certainly toned. “Overly muscled gorilla.”

“D-don’t call me a gorilla!” Darkness squeaked, and Kazuma rolled off of her.

“Guess I fell asleep,” Kazuma admitted, giving Darkness an abashed grin.

She blushed and nodded. “Um, I did too…”

A slow grin spread over Kazuma’s face. “Well, I’m awake, and so is Lil Kaz. So, if you’re up for it, we can-”

There was a moan, and not from Darkness. Both of them sat upright in the bed, eyes wide.

“Do you think it’s Vanir?,” Kazuma whispered, but Darkness was grabbing a blanket and wrapping it about herself with one hand and pulling a decorative sword off the wall with the other. Actually, on closer inspection, that was just an actual sword someone had hung up for decoration.

Swearing under his breath, Kazuma struggled into his underwear, hopping after Darkness across the room.

“Who dares-” she began, but then she made it to the couch and stopped, sword raised high.

Kazuma hurried over as well, then a delighted smile spread over his face. “Oh ho.”

Megumin was trying to glare up at them and cover herself with both hands at the same time, while Chris grinned, wiping her mouth off as she finished pulling on her shorts, still topless. “We were finished anyway. Good morning.”

“Uh, good morning,” Kazuma said, swallowing. “So, uh, you two were-”

“None of your business!” Megumin snapped, then flushed. “Or, um, well, I guess…? Uh, Chris was persuading me about weapons funding last night, and, well, we had a bit to drink, and then I sort of don’t remember…”

“And I told her this morning if she wasn’t going to remember the fun, we should just do it again!” Chris laughed. She leered at Darkness. “And did you two have fun last night?”

“I, er, well, um, K-Kazuma and I-”

“Yeah, and we were going to have more until you two interrupted,” Kazuma said, not bothering to wipe off the lecherous grin. “Have I mentioned I’m a big yuri fan?”

“Pervert,” Megumin muttered, though she didn’t sound as angry as she was acting.

Before there could be further commentary, there was a loud knock on the door.

“BIG SIS, ARE YOU AWAKE? I WANT TO HAVE BREAKFAST!” Komekko’s muffled voice called.

Megumin let out a horrified squeak, and dove for her clothes, hopping around as she hastily dressed. “Yes! I’ll be out in a minute! Don’t come in!”

“It’s locked,” Chris said in a stage whisper.

“Yes, and Komekko is a Crimson Pirate!” Megumin hissed as she pulled on her shirt.

“So?” Kazuma asked.

There was a rattling sound, and the door knob turned slightly.

“Any halfway decent Crimson Pirate can pick a lock!” Megumin said.

Swearing, Kazuma put on his own clothes, with Darkness and Chris dressing in record speed as well. Just in time, as Komekko let herself into the room, the precocious little menace looked around with interest.

“Were you fighting? There’s broken stuff everywhere,” Komekko commented.

“We were, uh, sparring! Yes! You know your big sister, always training!” Megumin laughed, kicking a pair of black panties someone hadn’t gotten on back over the couch.

Kazuma caught them and pocketed the pair. Score another one for him!

“Training can be fun, but I’m hungry! Let’s get breakfast!” Komekko declared.

His stomach rumbled, and Kazuma sighed. “Yeah, I guess we could eat.”

Darkness took the simple expedient of ordering breakfast to be brought to the small dining room adjoining her rooms, and they all went to recover from their night of debauchery with pastries and strong coffee. Normally Kazuma would have had tea, or better yet a Red Bull, but coffee would do.

As they sat, Komekko leaned over and poked Megumin’s belly. “Am I a big sister yet?”

“N-no!” Megumin said, grabbing Komekko’s hand. “Besides, you’d be an aunt, not a sister!”

That made Komekko wrinkle her nose. “I’m only six, I don’t wanna be an auntie. But I could be a good big sister! I had you as mine, so I know how!”

“Well aren’t you the cutest little pirate,” Chris laughed. She patted Komekko on the head. “Don’t worry, what your sister has gotten up to won’t make you a big sister yet, but we’ll see if we can hook you up before too long.”

“Yay! Make sure it’s a girl! Boys are weird and smell funny,” Komekko said, then dug into the stack of pancakes a servant set before her.

“Uh, yeah. So, anyway, we’re going back into space already?” Kazuma said, taking some hard boiled eggs. “Damn, no rice?”

“We don’t normally serve it at breakfast, but if sir would like some, a dish can be sent up,” a servant murmured.

“You can’t have a meal without rice! Hook me up, Sebastian!”

“Er, my name is Tony…”

“Sure, whatever. Rice please!”

“Me too!” Komekko said, her face smeared with syrup and crumbs. She let out a loud burp. “I like rice too!”

“Komekko! Manners!” Megumin said, swatting her sister lightly on the back of her head. Kazuma noted Megumin was talking around the two slices of ham in her mouth, but figured if he got rice he wouldn’t need to call anyone on the carpet for their hypocrisy.

Wiping her mouth with a napkin, Darkness nodded. She, at least, swallowed before talking. “Yes. What I said about not resting until the Devil King is defeated is true. I spent too long amusing myself in the wilderness. I had not thought the Devil King was so grave a threat…I…I feel rather guilty now, seeing the plight of the people…I cannot let this happen again. Before I can rest, he must be defeated.”

“I might be willing to retire from being a goddess, but not before I see that damn devil six hundred and sixty six feet under,” Chris said, her lip curling into a snarl. “He’s a menace that has to be stopped!”

“I signed up to showcase my genius with the Wave Motion Explosion Cannon, and I will not be denied a chance to show off my power!” Megumin agreed.

“Well, someone’s gotta merge with you idiots so you can win,” Kazuma sighed. Then he perked up. “Oooh, my rice! Here, you gotta try some. Really goes with breakfast.”

“Thanks, big bro!” Komekko said as Kazuma spooned some rice onto her plate.

His heart suddenly swelled. With tears in his eyes, he looked at Megumin. “Let’s get married.”

“Seriously? Three beautiful women isn’t enough? You’re in it for my twerp sister?” Megumin sighed.

“Hey, you have your reasons, I have mine,” Kazuma sniffed. But he grinned.

He was on the Golden Route, alright.

Legend of Galactic Zeroes, Chapter 16 (NSFW version)

Commissioned by Shaderic

Beta’d and edited by Dr_Feelgood and The Grand Cogitator

The party was over, and Kazuma had half nursed a hope that Darkness would meet him back in her lavish bedroom for his agreed upon reward. Or at least some heavy petting.

But no. They were in that stupid command bunker again.

“We’re already getting reports from across the system. Attacks by the Space Devil King’s forces at the capitol of Natsume are being repelled by Prince Jatice, but Brindle is taking heavy losses, as is Elroad, with the enemy making planetfall on both. And various other smaller conflicts. We’re being pressed hard everywhere but Axel,” Duke Ignis said, still in his tuxedo and leaning tiredly on his cane as he sat at the head of the command table.

Kazuma was tempted to say something along the lines of “And how is this my problem,” but one look at Chris and Aqua told him that wasn’t really an option.

“Do we know where Vanir is?” Chris demanded, standing at her seat and glaring towards the display that showed the conflicts across the solar system.

“He’s not shown his mask yet, though that’s hardly a surprise. Since he was here, he couldn’t have traveled to another world yet,” Ignis said with a slight shake of his head.

“Well wherever he is, we’ll find him and punch him in his stupid face!” Aqua huffed.

“The main problem we need to deal with is much closer, and more pressing,” Ignis said, and nodded to Admiral Harrington, who stepped up and gestured.

“Axis Station on the nearby ice moon of Alcanrettia is under assault by Hans the Poison Slime and his forces,” Harrington pointed to another moon that orbited the same gas giant, this one much smaller than Axel, and a white pearl to Axis’ dusty brown megacontinent amidst a blue sea. Hans himself turned out to be some boring looking guy, which made Kazuma wonder about his name.

Harrington continued, “If they manage to taint that moon, the water supply for half the system will be in grave danger, including our own. While we have a stable source of water on the surface, without water for our forces in space, we’ll be stranded and become sitting ducks for the Space Devil King.”

“Could we build facilities to send water into space?” Darkness asked the advisors.

They shook their heads. “We’d need massive desalination plants. What little fresh water we have we need. Combined with having to construct a way to affordably get that much water into orbit…it would take years.”

“Alcanretia’s gravity is half that of Axel, which means there would be additional complications in even getting payloads into space,” Ignis agreed. He sighed, rubbing his temples. “Our forces are still recovering, and we can’t afford to send them off and leave ourselves defenseless. Which means-”

The door to the command center was kicked open, and a masked man sprang in, causing Kazuma to let out a yell and jump to his feet.

“BEHOLD! IT IS I, HIROPON, FIRST CAPTAIN OF THE CRIMSON PIRATE CLAN, AND HE WHO WILL AID YOU IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED!”

Behind the man, Kazuma saw an overly endowed young woman with the red eyes and black hair of the clan make a face that screamed “embarrassed teenage daughter,” then scurry into the room as the flamboyant leader of the Crimson Pirate Clan swaggered in.

On closer inspection, Kazuma saw that it wasn’t a mask so much as two eyepatches, which raised the question of how Hiropon could see a damn thing. He was dressed in what could only be described as the most stereotypical pirate outfit Kazuma had ever seen: a (fake) peg leg, red and black pinstripe trousers, white and black striped shirt with a red leather vest over it, a bicorn hat with a red skull and crossbones, and of course a red bandana under that. There were more belts that were strictly practical, into which were shoved several knives, a cutlass, a variety of pistols that sure looked like flintlocks, what had to be a worn old treasure map, and of course, more eyepatches just in case.

Behind the pair three squealing pirates swarmed in and grabbed Megumin, sweeping her up in an embrace.

“My daughter! We’re so proud of you,” said the first, which was a man wearing what looked an awful lot like a pirate version of Joseph Joestar cosplay.

“We were so worried about you!” a woman who looked like the pirate version of Tifa Lockheart if someone had let the air out of her self inflatables said, rubbing her cheek against Megumin’s. “And you found a suitable partner! When can we expect grandbabies?!”

“Big sis, I saw the ‘splosion from space! I knew you were the coolest!” the world's youngest and most adorable version of Anne Bonny squealed, clutching on to Megumin’s arm.

The young woman from before hung back, still looking embarrassed, while Meguimin looked rather mortified herself.

“M-mom! T-that’s not- Look, what’s important is I have defeated Wolbach, and secured my place as the foremost genius of the Crimson Pirate Clan!” Megumin said, trying to wiggle out of her parents embrace.

“YAR-HAR-HAR!” Hiropon laughed, coming up and slapping Megumin on the back. “You have done well, Megumin! We were all a bit worried when you got kidnapped again, but you’ve proven yourself to be a true and worthy salty space dog!”

The little girl turned to Darkness, smiling up sweetly at her. “When there’s the wedding, will there be lots of cake? I like cake!”

“I, er, um, well, you see-” Darkness said, looking utterly flummoxed.

“Of course!” Ignis declared, hobbling over and bending down to smile at Megumin’s sister. “You’re cute as a button, you’ll just have to be the flower girl!”

“F-father! Now is not the time!” Darkness spluttered.

“Oh, don’t worry, Sylphinia can be a flower girl too, there will be enough roles at the wedding for everyone,” Ignis said, giving Darkness a wide smile.

In response, she put her head in her hands and groaned softly.

Kazuma slunk away from the group, hoping to dodge getting swept up in whatever that was. He was about to attempt to exit stage left out the door, when he heard the other Crimson Demon girl mutter, “This is just so embarrassing…how can father be so cringe?”

“You said it,” Kazuma agreed fervently. He glanced at the girl, who in contrast to the cosplay getup, was wearing a rather functional looking jumpsuit with a red eye insignia on it.

The girl glanced at him, then gasped, extending a shocked finger. “Y-you! You’re that man who kidnapped Megumin!”

“Woah! I did no such thing!” Kazuma said, raising his hands in protest.

“Yes, you did! You escaped from our prison and dragged her with you!”

“Uh, well, OK, I did do that, but it wasn’t a kidnapping! More of a, ah, hostage situation?”

“T-that isn’t any better!”

“Ok, fine! We did, but she could have left weeks ago! She just decided to stick around because she wanted to fuse with me!”

That made the other girl blush, her eyes darting towards Megumin, who was still being fussed over by her family. “Um, I thought…i-isn’t she marrying Lady Dustiness? I-I thought…well, um, I guess I’m glad she’s happy…”

“Look, you’ve got it all wrong! This is MY harem, not Darkness’! I’m the one all the girls are fusing with, thanks to my awesome mecha, the Lagan!” Kazuma protested. As an afterthought, he added, “Not that I’m opposed to a little yuri side action, mind you. Megumin with Darkness would be pretty hot.”

“W-what?!” the girl gasped in horror, her hands flying to her mouth. “You mean…Megumin is cheating on her fiancee?!”

“Eh, it’s more of an open relationship I guess?” Kazuma said, trying to remember what he knew about open relationships aside from what he’d read about in the worst kind of doujins and harem manga, which is to say, absolutely nothing.

“Oh! Uh…um…S-sorry for, um…My name is Yunyun!” the girl suddenly bowed to Kazuma, blushing mightily. “I, um, I’m Megumin’s rival…”

Kazuma frowned at that. “Her rival? Are you like, enemies or something?”

“N-no! Um, well, maybe? W-we have competitions, and um, compete to see who is more powerful…I-I was really worried when you kidnapped her…she, um, she isn’t being held against her will, is she?” Yunyun asked nervously.

Kazuma glanced over to where Megumin was trying to crawl under the table and die of embarrassment while her mother talked to an equally mortified Darkness about wedding dresses.

“-and it’s fine if one of you is pregnant, I know how to make a dress that doesn’t show! Or both of you, really!”

“MOM! I didn’t- Wait, you were pregnant when you got married?!”

“Do the math, dearie.”

Megumin muttered something when counting on her hands, then groaned and really did try to slide under the table.

“Wow, Big Sis, do you have a baby in your belly already?!”

“NO! Komekko, I haven’t even-” Megumin made several strangled noises, then managed to half hide under the table.

“We’re just so happy,” Chris said, dragging Megumin out to face humiliation like a woman. “However, we simply can’t dream of a wedding while the Space Devil King and his minions still roam free, right, Megumin?”

That got frantic nods from Megumin. “Yes! Absolutely! No way we could ever marry before the enemy is defeated, right Darkness?”

“Yes, absolutely! I, uh, have vowed to not rest until Vanir is defeated and his minions destroyed, and peace restored to the spheres!” Darkness agreed eagerly.

Both Ignis and Megu-mom looked incredibly disappointed. “But, well, you could still have children before then, right?”

“NO!” both girls cried in unison.

“Uh, well, about that,” Megu-dad said, coughing slightly. “Traditionally, the bride’s family pays, but, uh, since they’re both women…”

“Oh never fear, I’ve always dreamed of planning a big wedding for my daughter, I wouldn’t let anyone take away my chance to spoil her,” Ignis chuckled.

Megu-dad looked very relieved by that, but Komekko said in a loud clear voice: “Does that mean there’s no cake?”

“Goodness no! We can have cake right now, can’t we?” Ignis said, clapping his hands. “Bring us cake!”

“With sprinkles!” Komekko added eagerly.

And so, a great big sheet cake was brought in (with sprinkles) and Kazuma found himself going back over to the table instead of booking it. He was a bit hungry, and who could say no to cake?

“So, did you really just come here to embarrass Megumin and do wedding planning?” Kazuma asked around a mouthful of food.

“Oh, no! That’s not why we came at all,” Hiropon laughed. “We came to offer our services to crush the forces of the Space Devil King once more!”

“We, um, won the battle, but ah, well…we used up a lot of supplies and ammunition, and most of our mecha and the Crimson Dream were damaged in the fighting. W-we need repairs, and well…those are expensive,” Yunyun added.

“Sadly, there isn’t much money in piracy these days,” Megu-dad said mournfully, and Hiropon nodded.

“Too right, not enough villains with loads of treasure you can take, just law abiding citizens. How is a pirate to make a living that way?”

“So…let me get this straight,” Kazuma said. “You’re not willing to rob innocent people? What kind of-”

Darkness and Ignis kicked Kazuma under the table at the same time, with Ignis going the extra mile and poking Kazuma with his cane to boot.

“I understand. We’d be happy to extend the Crimson Pirate Clan’s mercenary contract,” Ignis said, shooting Kazuma a death glare.

“We’re not mercenaries!” all the Crimson Pirates cried, except for Yunyun, who slid Ignis a stack of paper.

“Um, if you could just call it a Letter of Marque…we’d really appreciate it…”

“Wait, there is one thing that should be added,” Chris interjected. “Take us along too! We’re going to put an end to Vanir!”

“Isn’t the real threat the Space Devil King?” Kazuma asked.

“No, he’s just a Freaky Alien Genotype,” Aqua told him. “Vanir’s actually a demon.”

“Really? Not a devil? Are we like, operating under DND rules where devils are lawful evil and demons are chaotic evil? Because if we are, he's more of a devil,” Kazuma pointed out.

“Regardless, I agree with Chris. We shall go with the Crimson Pirate Clan, and ensure our continued water supply,” Darkness said. “Is that acceptable to you, Captain Hiropon?”

“Of course! We shall plunder the booty of the Devil King together!” Hiropon decreed.

“I just wanted to plunder some booty tonight,” Kazuma complained.

There seemed to be a lot more to talk about and haggle over after that, but with the initial agreement reached, Darkness stood. “Well then, my companions and I have had an exhausting day. If we are to go away again soon, we will require rest. Ah, Megumin, will you be staying with your family, or…?”

“Nope! Let’s go to bed!” Megumin declared, shooting straight up out of her seat.

“Yeah, I’m bushed,” Kazuma agreed, yawning and stretching.

“I suppose we should rest. What about you, Aqua?” Chris asked.

“I wanna know about my ship! What did you Crimson Jerks do to her!? Where’s the Axis Queen?!” Aqua demanded.

“Let’s just go before she really gets into it,” Kazuma said, and hurried off before Aqua remembered he was the one who brought her and her useless ship on this mission in the first place.

Darkness led them to a servant’s door down the corridor, then up a set of narrow winding stairs. “I used to sneak through these as a girl. They’re still a good way to get around when you don’t want to be bothered by anyone.”

“As long as we get away from my mother and your father,” Megumin said with a shudder.

“I, er, um, well, while I do think it’s a bit soon to be talking about marriage…I am open to the idea of, um…being with…you. Um, all of you,” Darkness said, giving Megumin a nervous smile as they trod up the steps.

Megumin suddenly sat down and put her head in her hands. “I don’t know how I feel about it! The idea of unlimited funding is exactly what I want, and it is somewhat interesting to be a consort to a noble, and you’re all my good friends, I don’t know! I wanted to fuse with Kazuma and make big explosions but now my mother thinks I’m going to have Darkness’ babies!”

“Well, I mean…I do like you, Megumin, and, well, I guess I’m going to be fusing with the three of you…and it could be in and out of the Lagaan,” Kazuma suggested.

Megumin lifted her head to glare at Kazuma. “You are not helping right now!”

“Yeah…I guess we do need to talk.” Chris sat down next to Megumin, and made shooing motions to Kazuma and Darkness. “You two go figure yourselves out. I think maybe I should talk with Megumin.”

“But I-” Darkness began, but Kazuma grabbed her arm.

“Hey, you promised me a reward. Megumin can collect later, but I’m tired of talking.”

To Kazuma’s delight, Darkness melted, shivering slightly. “Oh, to be bossed around in my own mansion by this brute of a man! I-I will not let you harm my people, b-but if you would force yourself on me-”

Darkness let herself be pulled along, as Chris put her arm around Megumin. The dark haired girl leaned on Chris, and began pouring out her various mommy issues. “She’s always pressuring me! She hated when I ran off with Wolbach, and always said my mecha designs weren’t practical! That I should settle for a mere gatling gun or laser sword! Well, just because SHE let herself get roped into a boring life with my father as an inventor of dumb things like antimatter reactors or electromagnetic deflectors doesn’t mean I have to-”

Kazuma decided that was something he could address later. He’d have to figure out how to defuse or live with the Megu-bomb later, but for now, he was tired. And horny.

“W-wait,” Darkness called after Kazuma had marched up like a billion stairs. He was getting winded, and his legs were sore, but dammit he was getting what he deserved tonight!

“Don’t try to talk yourself out of this! You said you wanted to, and you promised,” Kazuma gasped, pausing to catch his breath.

“Yes, but-”

“And if it’s about Megumin, or getting married…I’ll be honest, right now, I don’t care. I just know you’re going to drag me into a bunch of insane battles! I’d rather lay around and play video games at home, but if I’m going to risk my life, I want to at least get laid doing it!”

“T-that is shockingly crude! How could you be so base!? But no, I mean-”

“And yeah I mean Chris did give me a handy, but she seems really gung ho on this harem ending and dammit, I want the golden ending! So are you up for this or not?!”

“I-I am, but, what I am trying to say is-”

“Well then stop stammering and spit it out! What is it!?”

“Um, you passed the landing to our room…”

Kazuma paused, then glared at the blushing Darkness. “Well, why didn’t you say so?!”

“Y-you wouldn’t let me…”

Muttering under his breath, Kazuma turned around and led Darkness through the correct door, into a hallway near her room. He paused, suddenly uncertain. Was he really going to just drag a girl to her room?

“A-aren’t you going to force me into my room, bind me to the bed, and force me to perform all sorts of denigrating acts?” Darkness asked, sounding more hopeful than anything else.

“I couldn’t force you to do anything! You’re basically the princess of this whole moon! I’m not some dope who has to ask for consent every five minutes but come on, this was your idea anyway!” Kazuma snapped.

Darkness blushed, looking down. “Could…could you pretend to force me?”

“That’s the hottest thing you’ve said all night,” Kazuma said, and pulled Darkness into a sudden kiss.

Despite the fact that she was taller and in heels, she sank to her knees so that Kazuma was pressing himself onto her, melting against him.

After half a minute of tongue hockey, they broke apart, Darkness clutching at him.

“Y-you fiend! Now will you debase me and ruin me for marriage forever?!”

“Well, if you ask so nicely…”

“Y-you cur!” Darkness giggled, but stood up and followed Kazuma into her room.

Once inside, Kazuma looked around the expansive space nervously for a moment, uncertain of what he should do next. He glanced at Darkness, who was fidgeting. Throwing caution (and sense) to the wind, Kazuma pointed a finger at Darkness. “Look, you might be the big bossy noble or whatever outside, but if we’re going to do this, then I’m the man! I’m the one in charge when we’re alone, you got it?”

Darkness moaned, and leaned against Kazuma. “T-that’s the best thing anyone’s ever said to me…”

“Uh, well, good. So…if I’m going to have my way with you…”

Darkness looked up eagerly, a bit of drool leaking down the corner of her mouth, which she hastily wiped away.

“Then, uh…strip!”

Kazuma couldn’t really think of anything else, but Darkness seemed happy enough at the order.

“Oh, to have a man force me to bare myself to him, even in the sanctuary of my own chambers!”

Darkness managed to get out of her dress, though it turned out she was not wearing a bra underneath, which was rather exciting. She kicked off her shoes, one of which sailed towards a very valuable lamp, knocking it over with a crash and tinkle of expensive glass.

“O-oh no! I-I have destroyed the furniture!” Darkness cried. Kazuma was about to comment about that killing the mood, until she got down on her knees. “A-aren’t you going to punish me for being so clumsy?”

“I don’t know if I’m into the S&M bit,” Kazuma said dubiously, earning him a wounded look from Darkness.

“But that was pretty stupid of you. Seriously, can’t you even take your shoes off? It’s not that hard!” Kazuma took off his own shoes, bending over to undo the laces. When he looked up, still holding them in his hands, Darkness had turned around and was presenting her posterior to him. White panties though? He’d have to get her to wear black next time.

“B-be gentle, I-I am a delicate flower, who cannot take much pain!” Darkness panted.

“Delicate my ass. You’re an overly muscled thug who can take a punch better than I can!”

“Y-you fiend! How can yoooOOOOOO~!”

On a whim, Kazuma  used his shoe to smack Darkness' rear. She seemed so delighted by that fact, he did it again, then a few more times, Darkness getting even more excited all the while.

“Alright, that’s enough of that,” Kazuma said, tossing his shoe over his shoulder. There was another crash and tinkle, and he winced. Hopefully, he could just blame that one on Darkness the klutz if anyone asked.

“Get up! On your feet,” Kazuma ordered.

Darkness complied, blushing and making to cover her breasts with her hands, blushing and looking rather shy for someone who’d practically been begging for a spanking.

“None of that,” Kazuma ordered, smacking Darkness’ arms down and earning a gasp of pleasure. “Now, stand still. It’s time for my prize.”

“W-what do you-? KAZUMA!” Darkness cried, as Kazuma yanked down her panties. She let out a yip as he tried to get them off her, but they weren’t ripping, and her legs were rock steady.

“I’m stealing your panties! Now lift your leg so I can get them off!”

Despite the blushes, she complied, and Kazuma held his prize up to his nose, taking a sniff. He made a slight face, as the odor wasn’t all that he could have desired. Apparently, girls farted too. Which made sense, even if it was kinda gross. Nevertheless, he pocketed his prize, before kicking off his own pants.

“Now, on your knees! Do as your master commands!” Kazuma cackled.

Eagerly, Darkness knelt, then blushed when confronted with Kazuma’s own underwear. “Um, K-Kazuma, while you may want my own undergarments, I, er, do not wish to acquire yours…”

“I know that! Just, you know, take them off,” Kazuma huffed.

Darkness frowned, noticing the rather obvious tenting. “Won’t that get in the way?”

Then, she flicked Lil’ Kazuma.

Pain exploded in Kazuma’s head, and the next thing he knew he was doubled over, retching and gasping for breath with Darkness supporting him.

“I-I am sorry! I did not mean to hurt- are you alright?! I know that area is sensitive for men, b-but I did not think- I am sorry! I wish to receive pain, not give it!”

“I’m OK,” Kazuma gasped. “J-just…help me sit down…”

Darkness picked Kazuma up in a highly embarrassing bridal carry and brought him over to her bed, tenderly setting him down. She hurried over to her minifridge (because of course she had one) and brought Kazuma a sock stuffed with several ice cubes. He gratefully set it on the injured organ, after Darkness carefully peeled his underwear off.

“Thanks. Ow. Never do that again,” he moaned.

She nodded, tears leaking down her cheeks.

“You’d better be sorry,” Kazuma muttered. Then he sighed. “It’s OK. I probably don’t know enough about, uh, your anatomy to know what will and won’t hurt you…”

“Y-you should find out the things that will hurt me, then do them!” Darkness urged.

“Well, I’ve heard the nipples are sensitive, so if I pinch you-”

“Ah! That hurts!” Darkness gasped, and instinctively Kazuma lowered his hand. Only for Darkness to grab it and put it right back. “Do it again!”

After about the mildest S&M play you could imagine, Kazuma sighed and lifted the ice bag. To his disappointment, the pain and cold had caused him to shrivel right up.

“It’s smaller,” Darkness mused, peering down. “I-I had heard it worked that way, but I did not realize it could change so, um, much…”

“Yeah, well, I’m still a bit sore,” Kazuma muttered.

A mischievous twinkle entered Darkness' eyes, and she purred, “Should I kiss it better, Master?”

“Uh…yeah! Yeah, make it better, slave!”

Darkness set to it with a will, and Kazuma groaned, grabbing at her hair as he stood to attention even faster than he’d shrunk at the pain. It felt good, so good in fact that-

“Oh!” Darkness gasped and sat up, blinking and wiping at her face.

“S-sorry. I, uh…I guess I didn’t last very long,” Kazuma admitted.

“It’s fine, I just…hmmm.” Darkness licked at her face, even going so far as to use her finger to wipe it off and stick it in her mouth. “The flavor is milder than I had imagined…perhaps slightly salty?”

“You…like it?” Kazuma asked, caught off guard.

Darkness nodded, bending back over and making as if to kiss Kazuma again. Her touch caused a dull ache, making Kazuma cry out. “Too soon!”

“O-oh…”

Darkness looked disappointed again, and worried that she’d hurt Kazuma. Groaning, he sat up. “It’ll take at least a little while for me to recharge. Though I suppose…I’ve read about this, mind, but don’t expect anything incredible OK?”

“Read about what?” Darkness asked, confused. Then he pushed her over. She clearly let him topple her, thudding into the feather mattress and looking up at Kazuma, excited and eager. He spread her legs, reaching down between them.

“Like I said, I read about it, and, well, I experimented a little with Chris, but don’t be disappointed, OK?”

“I-I would…Mmmm, h-harder!”

While Chris had wanted Kazuma to be gentle with her, and, well, had been much smaller, Darkness demanded more and harder. Kazuma even experimented with his own kisses, though he had to actually bite at Darkness before she was satisfied. At first he was worried he was hurting her, until he realized that was probably the point. He kept at it for a few minutes, with Darkness moaning and bucking her hips so hard she smacked his nose more than once.

In the end, he collapsed next to her, exhausted from the day’s labors and his efforts.

“Just…just let me catch my breath…then…then I’ll ride you like a chocobo,” Kazuma panted.

Darkness only snuggled up next to Kazuma. “That was…nice. I-I do wish to be ridden though, that was not…not nearly…”

Kazuma nuzzled Darkness’ breasts. They were nearly as big as his head, and he half wondered if he could suffocate in them. That was his last conscious thought before he passed out.

Groggily, Kazuma opened his eyes. His head was on a very soft pillow, but the rest of him was on some sort of rock hard surface. It wasn’t even flat, which was going to do all sorts of things to his back. He opened his eyes and turned his head, only to realize he’d fallen asleep on top of Darkness. He poked at her abs; she didn’t quite have a six pack, but she was certainly toned. “Overly muscled gorilla.”

“D-don’t call me a gorilla!” Darkness squeaked, and Kazuma rolled off of her.

“Guess I fell asleep,” Kazuma admitted, giving Darkness an abashed grin.

She blushed and nodded. “Um, I did too…”

A slow grin spread over Kazuma’s face. “Well, I’m awake, and so is Lil Kaz. So, if you’re up for it, we can-”

There was a moan, and not from Darkness. Both of them sat upright in the bed, eyes wide.

“Do you think it’s Vanir?,” Kazuma whispered, but Darkness was grabbing a blanket and wrapping it about herself with one hand and pulling a decorative sword off the wall with the other. Actually, on closer inspection, that was just an actual sword someone had hung up for decoration.

Swearing under his breath, Kazuma struggled into his underwear, hopping after Darkness across the room.

“Who dares-” she began, but then she made it to the couch and stopped, sword raised high.

Kazuma hurried over as well, then a delighted smile spread over his face. “Oh ho.”

Megumin was trying to glare up at them and cover herself with both hands at the same time, while Chris grinned, wiping her mouth off as she finished pulling on her shorts, still topless. “We were finished anyway. Good morning.”

“Uh, good morning,” Kazuma said, swallowing. “So, uh, you two were-”

“None of your business!” Megumin snapped, then flushed. “Or, um, well, I guess…? Uh, Chris was persuading me about weapons funding last night, and, well, we had a bit to drink, and then I sort of don’t remember…”

“And I told her this morning if she wasn’t going to remember the fun, we should just do it again!” Chris laughed. She leered at Darkness. “And did you two have fun last night?”

“I, er, well, um, K-Kazuma and I-”

“Yeah, and we were going to have more until you two interrupted,” Kazuma said, not bothering to wipe off the lecherous grin. “Have I mentioned I’m a big yuri fan?”

“Pervert,” Megumin muttered, though she didn’t sound as angry as she was acting.

Before there could be further commentary, there was a loud knock on the door.

“BIG SIS, ARE YOU AWAKE? I WANT TO HAVE BREAKFAST!” Komekko’s muffled voice called.

Megumin let out a horrified squeak, and dove for her clothes, hopping around as she hastily dressed. “Yes! I’ll be out in a minute! Don’t come in!”

“It’s locked,” Chris said in a stage whisper.

“Yes, and Komekko is a Crimson Pirate!” Megumin hissed as she pulled on her shirt.

“So?” Kazuma asked.

There was a rattling sound, and the door knob turned slightly.

“Any halfway decent Crimson Pirate can pick a lock!” Megumin said.

Swearing, Kazuma put on his own clothes, with Darkness and Chris dressing in record speed as well. Just in time, as Komekko let herself into the room, the precocious little menace looked around with interest.

“Were you fighting? There’s broken stuff everywhere,” Komekko commented.

“We were, uh, sparring! Yes! You know your big sister, always training!” Megumin laughed, kicking a pair of black panties someone hadn’t gotten on back over the couch.

Kazuma caught them and pocketed the pair. Score another one for him!

“Training can be fun, but I’m hungry! Let’s get breakfast!” Komekko declared.

His stomach rumbled, and Kazuma sighed. “Yeah, I guess we could eat.”

Darkness took the simple expedient of ordering breakfast to be brought to the small dining room adjoining her rooms, and they all went to recover from their night of debauchery with pastries and strong coffee. Normally Kazuma would have had tea, or better yet a Red Bull, but coffee would do.

As they sat, Komekko leaned over and poked Megumin’s belly. “Am I a big sister yet?”

“N-no!” Megumin said, grabbing Komekko’s hand. “Besides, you’d be an aunt, not a sister!”

That made Komekko wrinkle her nose. “I’m only six, I don’t wanna be an auntie. But I could be a good big sister! I had you as mine, so I know how!”

“Well aren’t you the cutest little pirate,” Chris laughed. She patted Komekko on the head. “Don’t worry, what your sister has gotten up to won’t make you a big sister yet, but we’ll see if we can hook you up before too long.”

“Yay! Make sure it’s a girl! Boys are weird and smell funny,” Komekko said, then dug into the stack of pancakes a servant set before her.

“Uh, yeah. So, anyway, we’re going back into space already?” Kazuma said, taking some hard boiled eggs. “Damn, no rice?”

“We don’t normally serve it at breakfast, but if sir would like some, a dish can be sent up,” a servant murmured.

“You can’t have a meal without rice! Hook me up, Sebastian!”

“Er, my name is Tony…”

“Sure, whatever. Rice please!”

“Me too!” Komekko said, her face smeared with syrup and crumbs. She let out a loud burp. “I like rice too!”

“Komekko! Manners!” Megumin said, swatting her sister lightly on the back of her head. Kazuma noted Megumin was talking around the two slices of ham in her mouth, but figured if he got rice he wouldn’t need to call anyone on the carpet for their hypocrisy.

Wiping her mouth with a napkin, Darkness nodded. She, at least, swallowed before talking. “Yes. What I said about not resting until the Devil King is defeated is true. I spent too long amusing myself in the wilderness. I had not thought the Devil King was so grave a threat…I…I feel rather guilty now, seeing the plight of the people…I cannot let this happen again. Before I can rest, he must be defeated.”

“I might be willing to retire from being a goddess, but not before I see that damn devil six hundred and sixty six feet under,” Chris said, her lip curling into a snarl. “He’s a menace that has to be stopped!”

“I signed up to showcase my genius with the Wave Motion Explosion Cannon, and I will not be denied a chance to show off my power!” Megumin agreed.

“Well, someone’s gotta merge with you idiots so you can win,” Kazuma sighed. Then he perked up. “Oooh, my rice! Here, you gotta try some. Really goes with breakfast.”

“Thanks, big bro!” Komekko said as Kazuma spooned some rice onto her plate.

His heart suddenly swelled. With tears in his eyes, he looked at Megumin. “Let’s get married.”

“Seriously? Three beautiful women isn’t enough? You’re in it for my twerp sister?” Megumin sighed.

“Hey, you have your reasons, I have mine,” Kazuma sniffed. But he grinned.

He was on the Golden Route, alright.

The Melancholy of Kazuma Sato, Chapter 52

Sasaki stood up, feeling bile in her throat. She was angry, scared, worried, and most of all, she just wanted to go home. She stepped up beside the grandmother she’d never met, and swallowed. “Alright, Komekko. What’s this deal?”

She felt a firm hand on her shoulder, and she didn’t even have to look to know it was her father.

“What are you doing? She’s a demon, we can’t deal with her!” Seiya demanded.

Sasaki turned and glared at him. “You don’t have to deal with her, but I will! I don’t care what the price is, I’ll save mom!”

“That’s really not the sort of thing you should say to a demon, you know,” Komekko commented, but she winked at Sasaki. “But since we’re friends, I’ll cut you a special deal!”

“You are NOT making a deal with a demon,” Seiya said firmly. “I’ll find another way, to save Ristarte and Kiriko, and even you, if you really are Kiriko!”

“Seiya…do what you have to, to save…to save our daughter,” Ristarte croaked, her face wet with tears. “I…I remember a little, from what Ishtar showed me, and…and I can’t stand the thought of losing her again…”

“Ah, come on, I’m not even going to charge that much!” Komekko interrupted. “This is bargain bin rates, I’m telling you!”

“If it’s a soul you want, take mine,” Carmilla said. “I’m old, and won’t have need of it for much longer. Besides, hell can’t possibly be much worse than what Ixphoria has become.”

Vanir scoffed, shaking his head in disgust. “Mortals always say such things, but really, moi wonders what they think of the imaginations of demons. If such conditions can exist on the mortal plane, could not we of the infernal realm conjure up horrors that much worse?”

“Vanir! I’m trying to cut a deal! Don’t go spooking the marks!” Komekko hissed.

“Moi would not wish to be accused of dishonesty. After all, the ennui of the customers is not nearly so delicious if they feel they were misled,” Vanir said, rubbing his white gloved hands together as if in anticipation of a banquet.

“You won’t be misleading us,” Seiya said, and snapped his fingers. An opaque bubble appeared around the two demons, and Sasaki gasped. Much as Komekko was irritating, she was a friend. And for some reason, Sasaki didn’t really want to see her harmed. She wouldn’t go so far as to trust her, but…

“It’s simply a barrier to prevent any eavesdropping,” Seiya said dismissively, turning back to Ristarte. He knelt by the bed again, gripping her hand. “So…you remember. For how long?”

“Since Gaebrande,” Ristrate said quietly. “Right before we fought the Devil King. I…I was always attracted to you, and your, um-”

“I heard the comments about the six pack,” Seiya said, his tone somewhat dry, which for him was close to a chuckle. Faint color came into Ristarte’s pallid cheeks, and Seiya gave her a small smile. “For my part, I didn’t fully remember until we came here. I knew…I knew you were special, but not why, and that I had to be cautious. Or…or I would lose everything I loved again.”

“So do we bargain with them?” Carmilla asked, sounding uncertain. “I confess, my experience leads me to believe that demons are unlikely to keep their word. But if there is a chance, however small…”

“Komekko is crazy, but I think we can trust her. She really did help the people in the villages we found, and, well, Vanir is weird, but he seems to keep his word,” Sasaki said, looking nervously at her parents. Only, they weren’t her parents. Not yet, anyway.

“If we do this, we proceed with utmost caution. I am willing to sacrifice myself, but no one else. Especially not you or…your other self,” Seiya told Sasaki.

Considering Sasaki didn’t really want to sacrifice herself, past or present, that sounded good to her. “Then what do we offer?”

“We see what their bargain is. No souls,” Ristrate said firmly. She glared at Seiya. “Not even yours!”

He frowned slightly, but didn’t argue. Though by the way he clenched his jaw, Sasaki figured he’d do whatever he thought he had to.

“Fine. We’ll see what they have to say.” Seiya stood, snapping his fingers again, dissolving the barrier. He stepped forward, then paused.

Before them, Komekko and Vanir had set up a table with chairs enough for everyone. The chairs were plain carved wood, with little heart shapes by the headrest. The tablecloth was bright pink, with what at first glance looked like red flowers on them, but closer inspection revealed to be mushroom clouds. The table was set for tea, complete with a bouquet of flowers on it, and plates of cookies, finger sandwiches, and fine porcelain cups.

“We’re willing to bargain,” Sasaki said, going over and taking a seat. “But no souls.”

“Eh, I don’t want your souls. I’m pretty sure eating a goddess’ soul would give me gas,” Komekko said, making a face. She grinned suddenly, her red eyes flashing dangerously. “No, I don’t want your souls. What I want is exclusive rights to the bad ones. And a few other minor things.”

“What do you mean, ‘exclusive rights?’” Sasaki demanded, her head spinning slightly.

“Other minor things? I don’t think so. There will be a full and thorough explanation,” Seiya declared, helping Ristarte from her bed and over to the table, where she did her best to sit up, eyeing Komekko suspiciously.

“I thought you’d never ask!” Komekko said, jumping up as Vanir gracefully stood. The two of them posed, Komekko with one foot kicked up, Vanir holding her hands as if they were about to begin dancing.

“-without a song and dance routine,” Seiya growled.

Looking disappointed, Kommekko glanced at Sasaki, who shook her head. “Just give it to us plainly. We don’t have time for this with my mother’s life on the line.”

“Man, you people just have no respect for what’s appropriately dramatic,” Komekko huffed, and slumped back into her chair. “See if I bother to write new lyrics again. Friends on the Other Side is great!”

Vanir reached into his suit jacket, and pulled out a sheaf of parchment. “The terms are quite simple: in exchange for saving the life of the foolish goddess of green herbs-”

“Only I get to insult Ristarte,” Seiya said, his tone calm, but all the more concerning for it. For some reason, Ristarte smiled at him for that. Sasaki decided again that her parents were weird.

“-the most revered goddess of healing and comedy,” Vanir continued smoothly. “Thou shall grant in perpetuity the souls of the sinners in thy domain unto Lady Komekko of the Crimson Demon Clan and her associates.”

Sasaki frowned at the parchment, then glanced at Ristarte, who was looking concerned and woozy. “Can you do that?”

“Well, technically the souls of the evil are currently reincarnated as lesser lifeforms, or if they’re really bad, sent to hell. So…this is more just giving them to a specific demon? It’s not so bad, but…”

“And in exchange, I promise to not only save your life and the life of my good friend Sasaki, but to only try to conquer the world sometimes, and always let the heroes defeat me after a period of no more than two generations, which is sufficient time for an appropriately dramatic rebellion to brew up to overthrow me! If they do it early it’s fine, I’ll just have to scheme and plot better! Oh, and I’ll only return after an appropriate period of lurking in the shadows to usher in a new age of terror and darkness!”

Seiya gave Komekko a flat look. “And how long is this appropriately dramatic period?”

“Well, it will vary, but no less than 30 years and no more than 1000, depending,” Komekko said with a shrug.

“Per realm,” Vanir added, a malicious grin on his face. “If thou doest control more than one realm, we may subjugate each in turn without ceasing should enough time pass.”

“Why should we ‘let’ you conquer our worlds in the first place?” Sasaki demanded. “That just sounds cruel!”

Komekko held up a finger. “Ah, but Devil Queens always arise, don’t they? In exchange for this exclusive deal, we’ll take out any competitors that might attempt to take over your realms! Plus, I mean, I’m not so bad, right? I won’t do any of that human sacrifice or genocide or anything. Just, you know, some light slavery and minor war crimes and a bit of plundering.”

“So,” Carmilla said, her brow wrinkling. “You’ll help destroy the Devil King Ultimaeus and his generals? But in exchange, you’ll try to conquer us in turn?”

“Yep! But I’ll let the gods replenish the mana first. It’s like crop rotation!” Komekko said, tapping her forehead. “If the world rots and decays, it won’t be as yummy to take over! I get a sure set of worlds to conquer and eat, but not too much, and you get a Devil Queen you can trust!”

“Is there a way to avoid having demons and Devil Queens try to take over the world?” Sasaki asked her mother, her voice pleading. “Like back on Earth?”

Ristarte sighed, slumping and resting her head in her hands. “Demons try to take over the Earth all the time…they’re just fended off. Plus, every millenia or two, there’s a really big apocalyptic invasion. Really, Earth is just overdue, and it’s thanks to the efforts of various gods and mortals working together that it’s kept safe. But…I still don’t know…”

Looking to Seiya, Sasaki asked the question she already knew the answer to: “Is there any other way?”

Slowly, her father met her eyes, and she could see the helpless pain there. He shook his head. “I’ve looked everywhere. Even at sacrificing my own life. There’s no other way to save you. I haven’t looked for Ristarte yet, but…”

“What’s the other cost?” Sasaki asked Komekko, feeling sick.

The young Devil Queen gave her a hungry grin. “Oh, just a couple of minor things. You have to keep quiet about this deal, until I release you from it. And I get a wish on your goddess powers for each time I save you. So, you know, if you need me to save you again…I get three wishes. No take backs.”

“My dad said something about you having a bargain with him in the future, so that’s probably needed,” Sasaki muttered, rubbing her chin.

“So, we made this bargain?” Seiya asked, suddenly grabbing Sasaki’s arm with iron fingers. “What about Ristarte? How was she?”

Sasaki flinched. “Well, um…she wasn’t a goddess? I don’t think? You two were married and living in Japan…”

Ristarte gasped, and Seiya bowed his head, looking pained. “So it was a tragic ending after all…”

“So it was a happy ending after all!”

The two of them paused, and Seiya let go of Sasaki to take Ristarte’s hands in his own far more gently. “But, you wouldn’t be a goddess anymore!”

“Goddess’s forgo all carnal pleasure, and I’ve wanted to give into temptation since we met!”

As the two of them half argued and half gushed, Sasaki groaned and looked to Carmilla. “So, um, hi, Grandma. I’m Sasaki…their daughter…I’m not sure how this all worked out, but, well, we never met, so…sorry for that, I guess?”

Carmilla stood and came over to Sasaki, who flinched, until the older woman wrapped her in a tight embrace. “I thought I’d lost my daughter forever. To know she survived, and had such a lovely young woman as a child such as you…”

“But, we’ll never meet again, after this,” Sasaki said, feeling tears enter her eyes.

Carmilla snorted, then chuckled. “The greatest pain I ever knew was knowing my Tiana was dead. Even if she goes to live in a foreign land, and never becomes queen…it’s enough to know she has a future off this blighted world…”

“Hey, you can totally come visit after you get your powers back from this deal,” Komekko offered. “I won’t even try to conquer it until the mana has regenerated! And that could take a while. You’ll totally have time to be a family together.”

“Mistress is far too generous. Moi shall have to find plenty of embarrassing baby photos. For truly, there is no embarrassment like that of an adolescent,” Vanir chortled.

Carmilla looked interested, while Sasaki blanched. Well, it was better than having no grandma. Maybe.

Seiya and Ristarte were now kissing, which was both good to see and very gross, but they at last broke apart.

“We’ll do it,” Seiya promised. “How?”

“That’s the neat part!” Komekko said, then winced and gave Sasaki an apologetic look. “Um, I’m afraid step one is getting Ristarte to lose her goddess status…”

Sasaki wondered why Komekko was apologizing, then she caught her mother’s embarrassed look, and her father’s obvious attempt to look disinterested. Then it clicked.

“Fine, but I sure as heck ain’t watching that happen,” Sasaki said, disgusted. “Do we just leave them alone, or…?”

“Well, moi shall require the other you as well, for the soul transference,” Vanir said, standing and adjusting his gloves. “Then there is the minor matter of tending to dearest Ultimeaus.”

“Yeah. I can’t handle him alone, or even with Vanir. But, with a hero…” Komekko grinned, showing off an impressive pair of fangs. “It’s time to show that fat toad there’s a new Devil Queen in town.”

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Frowning, Haruhi examined her Adventurer’s card. “Why won’t my stats go up? I’ve gained like 10 levels in the past couple days but my stats are exactly the same!"

At her feet, the ogre she thought she’d killed let out a groan, so Haruhi jerked her sword out of its body, then stabbed it in the neck again. This time, it went still, and she pumped her fist as her level ticked up. “Nice!”

Then her expression fell. “Dammit, my stats still didn’t go up!”

“Yeah, mine never did either,” Aqua said, coming over and looking over Haruih’s shoulder. “Aww, that’s not fair! Your intelligence AND luck are higher than mine!”

“Can I see your card?” Haruhi asked, proffering her card to Aqua. The blue haired past version of someone who definitely was not Haruhi’s mom pulled her card out of her bra, or lack thereof, and Haruhi grimaced and took it. Sure enough, most of Aqua’s stats were nearly identical to Haruhi’s own. Close to 10,000 in Strength, Dexterity, Constitution, and Charisma. The only differences were Luck, Intelligence, and Wisdom, where Aqua’s intelligence was barely 100, her Luck was even less, and her wisdom was close to 10,000 again while Haruhi’s was less than 1000. Still, Haruhi had overall higher stats, which made her feel pretty proud of herself.

“Huh, looks like she has my Luck and Intelligence and your scores in everything else,” Kazuma commented.

Haruhi spun, her face going bright red as she found Kazuma examining her card along with Aqua.

“Hey! That’s personal information!” Haruhi snapped, and tried desperately to snatch her card from Kazuma.

“She doesn’t have your intelligence, yours is way lower than hers!” Aqua protested, as she and Kazuma easily kept Haruhi’s card away from her.

“Yeah, well, I’m still smarter than you,” Kazuma said absently, looking through Haruhi’s skills. “This really is a stupid build. You have all these dumb conversational and RPing skills, and…wait, when did you get Swords Master, Athletics, Acrobatics, Expert Cooking, Blacksmithing, Mining, Panhandling, Cheerleading, Batter Up, Godly Songstress, Virtuoso Musician-”

“She’s got more skills than even you do,” Aqua laughed, earning her a glare from Kazuma.

“We did some black smithing at summer camp a few years ago, and I read a book about mining once!” Haruhi said, finally grabbing her card back from Kazuma.

“You can learn skills just from reading a book?” Megumin asked skeptically from where she was laying flat on the ground. After a full day of not getting to blow anything up, she’d been unable to resist at the sight of a band of ogres, and had lit off a massive blast to start the battle. Haruhi had felt more than a little bowel clenching fear at seeing it. Memories of class trips to Hiroshima and Nagasaki when she was in grade school had flashed through her mind.

And then she’d immediately began plotting as to how to use such a  unique and incredible power to her advantage. After all, they were only war crimes if the bad guys did them, and as a goddess she was the very definition of the good guys.

“Is it just me, or are we running into more and more monsters?” Kyon asked, coming over and giving Megumin a manatite crystal.

“We’re getting close to the Devil King’s Castle,” Megumin said, sounding drowsy even as she accepted the booster. “That means there’s more and more monsters to- RAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!”

Kyon jumped back, looking like he’d had a heart attack, as Mikuru hurried over, clutching her staff. “A-are you all right, M-Megumin, I-”

“POWER! SURGING! BEHOLD! MY MAGIC INCREASES!” Megumin declared, posing dramatically and clutching her hat to her head.

“O-oh my gosh, are you OK!?” Mikuru gasped, hurrying forward and putting her hand to Megumin’s forehead.

“She’s fine, she just does that sometimes,” Kazuma said dismissively.

Megumin grinned as Mikuru drew her hand back. “Every time a Crimson Demon is near death and recovers, they gain a power boost. This is known as the ‘zenkai’ and is the secret to our-”

“You stole that from Dragonball,” Haruhi and Kazuma said at the same time, causing both of them to flinch and glare at one another.

“W-what? No! It’s common knowledge that when Crimson Demons deplete their power and recover, they grow stronger!” Megumin protested.

“You found some poor schmuck who got his ass isekai’d and had him tell it to you!” Haruhi laughed. She paused, and glanced at Kazuma, who was blushing and looking away, whistling tunelessly.

“She got it from you, didn’t she?” Haruhi sighed, shaking her head in disgust.

“Um, I might have…overheard something to that extent from Kazuma,” Megumin said, coughing and blushing. “But it sounds like something a Crimson Demon should do…”

“It is pretty cool,” Haruhi agreed, rubbing her chin. “I wonder if there would be a way to make a skill that did work like that? What do you think, Aqua?”

“I dunno, I let Eris handle most of the stuff we didn’t copy from the God’s Handbook to World Design,” Aqua said with a shrug. “I was more interested in making things pretty!”

“Well that explains the game balance then,” Kyon said, shaking his head in disappointment.

“Eh, we’ll figure something out later,”  Haruhi shrugged. She looked around, frowning at the crater not too far away, then looking beyond it.

The group had just left the forest, finding the ogre camp at the forest’s edge. Beyond that lay a series of rolling hills, rocky and covered with scrub brush and grasses. The hills crept along for miles and miles, with the shadows of snow capped mountains in the far distance. Just looking at it made Haruhi’s feet ache, and she groaned softly.

“Are we there yet?” she muttered.

“No!” Aqua and Kazuma said at the same time.

“Worry not, for our doom soon approaches! It is two days' travel yet until we reach the gates of Doom, where I have twice defeated the Devil King!” Megumin cackled.

“I’m starting to hate walking,” Kyon sighed, adjusting his pack. He glanced to Yuki, who was silently standing atop a nearby rock and keeping watch. “Any more enemies?”

“Negative.” Yuki shook her head slightly, still staring ahead.

“Well, we may as well get going then,” Kazuma sighed. “The sooner this is over, the better.”

“Yes,” Yuki said, making a throwing motion. A moment later, there was a high pitched squeal, and a goblin toppled out of a bush, a knife in its throat.

“Nice,” Kyon said. “I knew those throwing knives would come in handy.”

They continued their trek along the trail, none of them noticing that the goblin had a small crystal orb still clutched in its cooling hands.

Several kilometers away, an ogre shaman looked up from his scrying glass, which was a murky crystal set in a human skull. “They are entering the kill zone, general.”

“Those fools!” Fujiwara cackled. He was dressed in a uniform that looked a lot like an Imperial Japanese Army uniform, circa 1941. Which just goes to show that some people should pay more attention to history books.

The time traveling villain rested his hand on his ceremonial katana that he had insisted on, and grinned malevolently at the group under his command. A collection of goblin, ogre, and even oni shamans and spell casters, along with several hundred other members of their species, kitted out in, you guessed it, IJA uniforms. They were not wielding firearms, but rather a collection of pikes and polearms.

Not katanas, because Tanya was smart enough to know that a blade on a stick reaches further than a plain blade. Mixed in with them were crossbow wielding orcs, because somewhere Tanya had read about the tercio. Probably not from video games, because that would have meant she actually did something fun for once in her life that Visha didn’t drag her to kicking and screaming.

“They have walked right into my trap!” Fujiwara bragged, puffing his chest out. “Thanks to my ability to see all throughout the timeline, these foes have no chance against us! Are you ready men?”

“Yes general. Operation ‘Scry and Fry’ is ready,” the ogre shaman told him. “The goblin died, but that’s a small loss.”

Fujiwara frowned at him. “You’re better than that, Mogsh. Only heroes stoop so low as to use puns.”

Mogosh rolled his eyes, but only when Fujiwara had turned his back. “Now men, this foolish goddess must die! There is only one I ask you to spare: the red haired one! She is timid and weak. Bring her to me.”

There was dark laughter from the assembled troops, and Fujiwara grinned nastily. Oh yes. He’d have his hands on a second TPDD, and soon the timeline would be his! He’d correct the future, and ensure things played out properly. So that he was in charge, of course. He gestured imperiously, and the shamans and other spell casters began to chant. In moments, the teleports went off.

You could only have three locations registered, true, but if you had prepared positions ahead of time…well, the classics were classics for a reason, weren’t they?

Fujiwara felt his belly clench as the teleport went off, and they reappeared on a hill overlooking where the hapless heroes were going below them. Another shaman stepped forward, and raised his staff high.

“Darkness blacker than black, Crimson redder than blood-”

Sure, they didn’t have enough long tube artillery for a proper strike. But a spell would do in a pinch.

“Let’s see how you like a taste of your own medicine,” Fujiwara sniggered.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Kazuma was just walking along, holding Aqua’s hand, and sort of enjoying life. Sure, his feet hurt, and he was heading towards danger, but, well, how bad could it be? Megumin would blow up the Devil King, and they’d go home. Simple.

Then the hairs on the back of his neck stood up, and he looked around them, feeling aghast. “Oh shit. HIT THE DIRT!”

He grabbed Aqua and dove for the floor, only for nothing to happen. She shoved him off, though she didn’t get up. “What the heck, Kazuma? What’s wrong?”

“Sense foe just triggered, and there’s bad guys all around us! It’s an ambush!” Kazuma cried.

Yuki’s head snapped around, and a moment later she declared: “Enemy data detected.”

“Crap, what do we do?!” Kyon gasped, looking around in a panic. “Where’d they come from.”

“Hmph. Don’t worry about it, we’ll just take ‘em one by one! You take the hill on the left, Yuki, and I’ll get the one on the right!” Haruhi bragged.

“Ha! You shall leave one for me!” Megumin cackled, striding forward. “I shall-”

Familiar looking fiery red circles appeared in the sky around them, and Kazuma frowned. “Uh, Megumin, are you doing that?”

“They wouldn’t dare,” Megumin gasped.

“AQUA, HELP!” Kazuma squeaked, and buried his head in the ground.

“Sacred Barrier!” Aqua cried, and a protective bubble appeared around them.

It wasn’t an instant too soon, as a gigantic blast reverberated against the barrier. Aqua groaned and sank to her legs, the barrier dissolving, though it had withstood the blast. The trees and bushes around them hadn’t, as they were burning or blown to bits, with even rocks having shattered.

“THEY WOULDN’T!” Megumin raged, raising her staff. “KYON! MANATITE!”

“Uh, here,” Kyon said, passing Megumin several crystals. “Was that-”

“I AM MEGUMIN! MISTRESS OF EXPLOSION MAGIC! AND NO ONE DARES TO USE MY OWN ART AGAINST ME!”

Megumin pointed to the hilltop the offending spell came from. No chant, no poses, no bluster. And the hill just ceased to exist. It looked as though a huge volcano had erupted on the spot, and the very earth was turned to glass. The hill itself was several meters shorter, with the rocks simply vaporized.

Swaying on her feet, Megumin crushed one manatite, then turned. “Kazuma! NEXT TARGET!”

“Uh, there,” Kazuma said, pointing. Even as he did so, the telltale circles of Explosion Magic appeared above them.

They vanished along with the second crest.

“AGAIN!” Megumin shrieked, her nostrils flaring, her eyes burning red, her staff glowing like the eye of a mad deity.

Kazuma gestured, and another hilltop was turned to glass and gas.

“WHO ELSE!? WHO ELSE PROFANES THE NAME OF EXPLOSION MAGIC!” Megumin roared.

“Uh, there,” Kazuma said, and pointed one last time.

Even as the sky blackened and the sun vanished, Megumin stood tall, four hilltops naught but smoking ruin. She turned to Haruhi, who was looking at the mage, slack jawed.

“And that,” Megumin sniffed, drawing herself up to her full height. “Is why I am the Mistress of Explosion Magic, and the highest level being in all of the world.”

Haruhi nodded, swallowing. Then she grinned. “That was so cool! You have to teach me how to do that next! I wasn’t sold on it until I saw it in action, but I can think of so many possibilities! You simply have to join the SOS Brigade! I’ll make you Chief of Magic and Mayhem!”

As Megumin preened, Kazuma groaned and rubbed his face with his hands. “She’s going to be insufferable for the rest of the trip, isn’t she?”

“Well, on the bright side, we don’t have to wonder if they know we’re coming or not,” Kyon sighed. “Good grief. Isn’t that sort of thing banned by treaty or something?”

“On this world, MAD just refers to the Crimson Demon Clan,” Kazuma told him. Then he patted Megumin on the back. “Nice job. That’s why you’re the greatest arch wizard in the world.”

“Ha! None may question my supremacy! Those who would are dead!” Megumin bragged.

“Just what the world needed,” Kyon muttered. “A chuuni who can actually back up all that talk about crazy powers.”

“Yeah,” Kazuma agreed, smiling. “Pretty great, isn’t it?”

As the rubble pattered about them and Kazuma helped Aqua up, he felt good. He really was home.

Forward Unto Johto Chapter 2

Despite the destruction of all their ordinance, the rest of the mission’s supplies were untouched, and Titus loaded up a backpack with various survival gear. The hatchets in their survival kits were apparently fine, as were a flare gun and all their comms gear.

“How long do you expect us to be on our own?” Titus asked Jack, adjusting his pack. To his surprise, Mel came over and double checked his straps for him.

She had an even larger sack, though from what Titus had seen, most of it was food. He supposed a Spartan’s metabolism was absolutely bonkers, and recalled just how much food Stripes had needed. Still, they could probably forage, as if people lived here there was no reason to think there weren't plenty of things a human could eat even in the wild.

“We’ve got a resupply mission in two weeks, and I expect they’ll send down other teams. We’ve got a comms buoy I can contact, but it’s 30 light minutes out, and who knows how long it will be between messenger ships with that monster out there?” Jack said with a shrug.

“Damn it, Ray-Ray,” Titus muttered, shaking his head.

“What was that?” Jack asked, frowning and looking up at him from his data pad.

“Uh, nothing. How do you want us to check in?” Titus asked.

“Just by comms is fine. If you need a pick up, call, but I won’t be hanging out here long. I’ve got some intel gathering of my own to do.”

“So, we’re on our own,” Titus sighed, shaking his head. He glanced at Mel, who was standing at the end of the Pelican’s ramp, examining the valley below them. “Super. Well, it could be worse. At least I get the Spartan.”

“You can stay together if you need to, but if splitting up will cover more ground, do it. If you can make it to civilization I don’t suppose this place will be overly hostile. People survive here, after all,” Jack said with a shrug.

“Super. Well, we’ll check in via comms if we run into anything,” Titus sighed. He walked down the ramp, and saluted Mel. “After you, chief.”

“I’m not the Chief,” Mel said, blushing like a fangirl and looking away. “He is the model we all aspire to.”

“Uh, yeah. I don’t think we need to worry about rank so much, but any marine with a lick of sense assumes that a Spartan outranks them automatically, just on the basis of sheer awesomeness,” Titus said, giving Mel an awkward grin. “So…after you?”

Mel schooled her expression back to one of stoic neutrality, and together they set off down the mountainside, making their way along the stream as they went. To Titus’ surprise, they saw more fish in the stream, but these looked like normal Earth fish, a trout of some sort. When he remarked on that to Mel, she scooped two up out of the water.

“Masou trout. Endemic to Earth, and often found on worlds terraformed by colonists of Japanese origin,” Mel said after examining the fish. She expertly fileted both of them with her knife, then stuck the carcasses on sticks, which she lashed to the top of her backpack. “Good to eat.”

“Hold on, catch one more,” Titus urged, eyeing the waters again. “I want to try something.”

Mel shrugged, but scooped another out of the waters after a few minutes of patiently observing them. Titus wasn’t really sure how she was doing that, but the Spartan’s motions were so deft and swift he couldn’t really see them, forget about some fish.

“Put it on the ground,” Titus said, and after Mel set the fish down, he took out a Pokeball. He tossed it at the fish, and the same red beam shot out, enveloping the trout. However, instead of vanishing into the ball, the fish kept flopping on the ground, while the ball let out an angry electronic warble. The ball flopped open, and lay there until Titus picked it up.

“Interesting,” Mel said, frowning and rubbing her chin with her left hand. “So, only pokemon can be caught in those?”

“Yeah, weird, huh?” Titus bent over the fish, and after a moment’s consideration, took out the pokeball and let out Floppy.

“Mgggkkrrrppp!” Floppy lived up to its name, weakly flailing about on the grass.

“Hey there uh…huh. I have no idea how to sex you,” Titus mused.

“Krrrrppp?” the pokemon looked up at him, but didn’t really seem to understand. Out of the corner of his eye, he thought he saw Mel blush, but that had to be a figment of his imagination.

Titus wasn’t sure how intelligent it was, though it had seemed to understand him earlier. He picked up the Masou trout, and offered it to his pokemon. “Hungry?”

The Magikarp just opened and shut its mouth, apparently uncertain of what to do.

“Guess it doesn’t eat other fish. Don’t carp do that?” Titus asked Mel. While he’d learned a lot about birds and reptiles, and even some mammals as a part of Project Jurassic, fish hadn’t come up much.

The Spartan furrowed her brow, obviously thinking. “I don’t know. Possibly.”

“Huh. Well, this one’s mine then, thanks! Alright, Floppy, take a break.” The pokemon went back into the ball, and Titus cleaned his own fish and hung it to dry like Mel had. He wouldn’t say no to some fresh trout.

They spied other animals that could have been pokemon, from an odd three headed bird that they saw running along the opposite side of the streambank, but gone before even Mel could easily cross, to a tadpole like creature that they saw swimming in a deeper part of the stream, but vanished before they could investigate. It was hard to know, as the glimpses were fleeting, but still, they saw plenty of normal insects and other small creatures. All in all, it seemed a normal enough woodland that you could have found on any number of human colonies, before the war anyway.

They had walked for nearly an hour, with Titus only slightly winded in trying to keep up with the Spartan. He felt rather proud of himself for this fact, though he had noticed that Mel was moderating her stride to allow him to follow along behind her. Still, he’d had the same training any ODST had, and though he didn’t feel quite the same interservice rivalry with the Spartans that some more senior ODSTs did, he still wanted to prove himself as capable as any of his brotherhood.

They were just descending a steep rocky crevasse when Mel held up a clenched fist, going down to one knee. Titus was instantly on alert, his knife in his left hand in an instant, hatchet in his right as he looked around for danger.

“Up, and to the left,” Mel said quietly, and Titus’ eyes shot to the indicated direction. Up above them at the top of a sharp incline was a cleft in the rock. “I hear something. Sounds like fighting.”

“I see it,” Titus said, feeling his pulse pound in his ears. “Plan?”

“Could be hostiles, could be wildlife. Could be pokemon. We should get eyes on it,” Mel stated, holding hatchets in her own hands. They looked comically undersized in her hands, but they would have to do. Taking off their packs, the two of them carefully approached the cave, where now Titus could hear sounds of a fierce struggle. They exchanged a glance outside, and Titus nodded to Mel.

“CURRAHEE!” Mel bellowed, and stormed into the cave, axes at the ready.

Titus followed, though it took a moment or two for his eyes to adjust. When he did, he saw Mel taking on several dark figures that darted about the cave, claws flashing, fangs biting. Even in the few moments it took for his eyes to adjust, the Spartan sported shallow gashes on her arms, another on her forehead, and a rip in her heavy fatigues.

Titus joined in the fight, axe and knife flashing. He didn’t manage to hit his target, which hissed at him and leapt back, but not before giving him a long gash on his left forearm.

“Snnnnneee!”

Before Titus could attack again, Mel managed to strike home. Blood spattered, and the creature was flung against the wall of the cave.

To Titus’ shock, the creature Mel had hit got up, hissing but apparently mostly fine. It had large eyes, and what looked like red tail feathers, with another large feather poking up over its left ear. The creature that had scratched Titus had a smaller red feather, but both of them seemed no longer interested in the fight. They scrambled to a pile of leaves and grass, taking up roundish objects that Titus thought had to be eggs. As they did so, something weakly snapped at them, but they were far too fast. Both disappeared towards the rear of the cave, popping into a crevice too narrow for Mel or even Titus to squeeze into.

“You good?” Titus gasped, lowering his weapons, and slowly approaching what had to be a nest.

“I’ll be fine. They were fast. You good, marine?”

“Copasetic,” Titus said absently, holstering his knife and axe, and reaching into his back pocket. He pulled out a ration bar, kneeling by the next. “Hey there, little guy. You OK?”

From the corner of the nest, an odd creature glared at Titus. It was just over a foot tall, though it had a horn of some sort that was another six inches poking up out of its head. In the dim light of the cave, Titus couldn’t quite tell the color, though it had a reddish patch on its chest that was diamond shaped, and an odd flaring tail. It was clearly injured, with deep scratches on its body that were slowly leaking dark fluid.

“Rrrrrrr,” the creature growled, baring fangs at Titus and inching back to the edge of the nest. Broken eggshells were around the creature, along with several other slaughtered nestmates. Some appeared to have just hatched, while others had been ripped from the shell and partially devoured. This little one appeared to be the only survivor of the nest, though for how much longer was in doubt.

“Hey, hey, it’s OK. I’m a friend. I can help,” Titus said, unwrapping the ration bar and holding it out. He didn’t know what the creature ate, but most things hatched hungry.

The little beast stopped growling and sniffed the ration bar, then tried to bite at Titus’ injured arm. He jerked back, making a note that ration bars weren’t preferred. “Hey Mel, you got any of that fish?”

He jumped a little when the Spartan spoke, her head just above his shoulder. He hadn’t even heard or sensed her coming closer. “I can go get it. You want to tame this thing?”

“Worth a shot,” Titus told her.

Mel disappeared, then came back a minute later, handing Titus the fish they’d caught earlier. He extended some to the creature. It sniffed at the fish, and this time, took it and ate it, still glaring at Titus.

“I want to help you,” Titus said, his tone soothing. The creature probably couldn’t understand him, but he wanted to use a soothing tone. Animals responded more to that than words, though it helped to talk. “I can treat your wounds, OK?”

He extended more fish, and this time, the creature took it from his hand. Titus inched closer, examining the wounds. They looked pretty bad, but he didn’t know this creature’s biology. Still, he got out some med spray from the first aid kit in his side pouch, spraying it on his arm. It stung, but it would help the wound heal.

“See? Medicine. Make you better,” Titus said, extending the arm to the little creature. It sniffed at it and growled, but kept munching on its fish.

Titus gingerly picked it up, and the beast let him, though it did growl a little. He sprayed the wounds, which made the thing thrash a bit, and he had to set it down, then back away. He absently took out a bandage and wrapped his own wounds, and watched the creature eating. It finished the fish, then sagged down, obviously in pain and weary.

“I can help,” Titus said soothingly, taking out a pokeball. “We’ll put you in this, then find someone who can help treat you. Here, it’s OK.”

He held out the ball, and the creature recoiled, growling slightly. Then it sagged, obviously exhausted.

“Vvvttt….vtttt…” it panted.

Carefully Titus tossed the ball at it. The red light engulfed the baby creature, and the ball dropped to the ground. It rocked once, twice, three times, and there was a click.

“Well, got another one,” Titus said, picking up the ball. He shook his head. “We'll have to find civilization to get it treated. It’s clearly badly injured. Hopefully the medi-spray helps.”

“Nice work,” Mel told him. She frowned down at the slaughtered infants in the nest, and shook her head. “We should leave, quickly. If there is a mother…”

“Oof, good point,” Titus agreed. They hastily exited the cave and picked up their packs, jogging quickly down the mountain.

They had another run in with what had to be a pokemon half an hour later, when they rounded a bend in the stream. At first, Titus thought there was a wild fire of some sort, before he blinked and realized it was a horse, drinking at the river, only the horse was on fire. It lifted its head and snorted at Titus and Mel, before turning and running off into the forest, leaving only the smell of burned gas behind it.

“A unicorn?” Mel whispered. She blinked, shaking her head. “That was…a unicorn?”

“A flaming unicorn,” Titus agreed, feeling rather incredulous. “You…you saw it was on fire too, right?”

“Yes, I…” Mel shook her head. “I…we should be cautious, but perhaps we should investigate further.”

Titus eyed Mel sidelong. “You want to go after the flaming unicorn? I half don’t even believe that thing was real.” When she looked at him with her typical stoic expression, he held up his hands. “Hey, hey, you’re the Spartan! It’s just…it looks like something out of a fairytale, you know?”

“Yes,” Mel said, sounding wistful. “And it’s part of the mission.”

They made their way through a small grove of juniper to a wide mountain meadow on the other side. To Titus’ shock, there was an entire herd of the creatures. The adults were somewhere around a meter and a half at the shoulders, though some were nearly two meters. Male and female had large horns, and Titus was grateful that these appeared to be mammals based on his cursory observation, though that did raise some odd questions about their biology.

The young on the other hand lacked the horn, but adults and young alike had fiery mains and tails, with coats that ranged from a darker khaki color to a light cream. They were all grazing in the meadow, a herd of about a dozen individuals, four young and eight adults. The young were prancing about and playing with one another, dashing through the flowers and grass and leaving browned or burning wakes behind them.

Both Titus and Mel just watched from the treeline for half a minute, the beauty of the scene catching both of them off their guard. Then the largest female raised her head and snorted, looking in the direction of their watchers. The entire herd went on alert, with the young scampering towards the center of the group.

“Hold this,” Mel said, taking off her backpack. She took out one pokeball, and advanced into the meadow.

For a moment the herd watched, then the matriarch let out a whinny, and started to race around the field, leaving fiery footsteps behind her. The Spartan took off, and it was at that moment Titus realized that Mel had DEFINITELY been taking it easy on him.

She moved faster than Titus thought something as big as her should be able to move, as fast as, well, a horse. For a brief moment, she caught up to the fiery unicorn, but then the thing began to MOVE. Titus had seen things move faster than the creature, but only cars going flat out or aircraft. It seemed to blur as it ran, outdistancing the Spartan easily as it ran laps around the meadow, easily three times before Mel finished a single circuit. The unicorn came to a stop where she had started, Mel slowing down to walk up to the creature.

The unicorn snorted, and Mel slowly held up the pokeball. That made the creature rear and neigh, and Mel backed off slightly.

Then the uniform whinnied, and stepped back into the circle. The adults were all facing outwards with their horns pointed towards Mel, and she watched them warily. Titus held his breath for a moment, then there was another whinny.

Two of the young pokemon squeezed out past the adults, then the other two. They lined up next to the Spartan, prancing and kicking as if they were getting ready for a race. Mel seemed to understand this, and tucked the pokeball away. She got into the ready position, head down, legs flexed, seemingly utterly relaxed.

Then the matriarch reared and neighed, and the racers exploded into motion. This time, the Spartan was not only able to keep up, but to slowly creep her way forward, outpacing the young unicorns slightly.

They were about halfway around the meadow when two of the burning horses began to fall behind. Two others managed to keep up with Mel, who was sprinting along at speeds a cheetah would have envied. They blitzed past Titus, three of them neck and neck, though the two slower ones slowed, stamping and looking upset. The kicked a few times, before being called back to the herd by the matriarch.

The Spartan completed another lap, still neck and neck with the two young unicorns. By the third lap however, one of the creatures was flagging. It slowed, then trotted, and came to a stop, pausing to nibble some half burned grass as if to say “I’m letting you win,” before prancing back into the circle.

Titus held his breath as Mel and the pony rounded the bend for the fourth time. The matriarch stepped forward, as if declaring this was the finish line. Both racers put their all into it, but Mel was able to draw forth just that much more speed, and finished half a meter ahead of the pokemon.

Mel overshot by several meters, slowly down with heavy footfalls. She was sweating, but didn’t look overly exerted. To Titus’ surprise, she had an enormous grin on her face, and was laughing. It was a joyful sound, and for a moment, she really did look like a young teenager after a sporting event, instead of a hardened veteran.

Titus stood slowly, carrying both packs to the edge of the meadow. He watched as Mel paused, smoothing back some of her windblown hair. The young pony had walked back to the circle, where it butted heads with each of the other young horses, then the adults. The matriarch watched the whole thing, standing apart from the herd. Then she walked over to Mel, her red eyes seeming more intelligent than a simple beast. The unicorn dipped its horn to Mel, just as the little unicorn trotted up to them. The matriarch butted heads with the young unicorn, which whinnied, rearing up as his hooves struck the air.

Then the matriarch turned, trotting off. The rest of the herd fell in, racing off up the slope, and vanishing into the treeline at the far side.

Mel knelt by the pony, petting its muzzle despite the flickering flames.

“You’re warm,” she commented. Then she let out a giggle that sounded very odd coming from a Spartan. “I should say I always wanted a pony, but honestly when I was very young I just wanted food and a family. I don’t really remember that time though. Once I joined Delta…well. I suppose you’ll do for a pet.” She held out a handful of berries she’d picked earlier, having recognized them as blackberries. The pony eagerly ate them off her palm, causing Mel to laugh again.

“What’ll you name him?” Titus asked, coming up beside Mel.

“Hmm. I’m tempted to say Bucephalus, but that’s a bit of a mouthful,” Mel laughed.

Titus nodded, not getting the reference, but assuming it was a Spartan thing. “I’d probably come up with something lame, like Burny. Never was good at names.”

“Well, I think I have something better. How about Alex? He was the one riding Bucephalus after all,” Mel suggested.

The little horse wickered, apparently liking the name. Mel pulled out the pokeball, and pressed the button. The red beam shot out, and the pony vanished. Again, the ball rocked three times, then let out the soft ping in Mel’s hand.

“Well, that was something,” Titus commented as Mel shouldered her pack again. “Never thought I’d see someone get into a foot race with a horse and win.”

“Do you want to know a secret?” Mel asked, the same grin breaking through her increasingly cracked mask. Her eyes sparkled, and she leaned over to whisper,” I’ve wanted to race a horse for years.”

“Well, you didn’t just race a horse, you raced a damn unicorn!” Titus laughed as they set off down the slope again. He paused, then added. “You uh, you see how that adult moved? I don’t think I’ve seen cars go that fast.”

“That was…odd. And the flames…how do they make them? I can see why the REMFs in ONI would want to get their hands on these,” Mel mused.

“So they saddle us with the task of surviving amongst the insane wildlife,” Titus groused. “The hell were those little weasel things anyway?”

“Fast, and strong,” Mel grunted. “I could barely track them.”

That made Titus shiver. If a Spartan couldn’t tussle with these things…no way in hell he could.

After walking back along the stream, which was growing larger as it was fed by more and more tributaries, they came upon another clump of Blackberry bushes. Titus and Mel both stopped to fill their packs with the fruit, keeping an eye out for further pokemon. After a few minutes of gathering, Titus saw some rustling in the bushes, and whistled to Mel, who paused in her picking and came over.

“Something’s in there, relatively large,” Titus whispered, pointing to the bushes. He could see something about the size of a toddler moving around inside of the thorny thicket. He got out a pokeball, readying it to try to catch something. “On three. One, two-”

Mel leapt forward, striking like a pouncing leopard. There was a high pitched growl, and a small, furry creature with nut brown fur raced out of the bush towards Titus. He threw the pokeball at it, and the creature was instantly sucked in.

“Nice!” Titus said, giving Mel a thumbs up.

“Urrrrrraaaa!”

This time, the growl was deep, rumbling, and followed by heavy panting.

“Oh shit,” Titus gasped, his eyes going wide. That was a call he DID recognize.

Mel turned as the bushes behind them shook violently, and Titus’ eyes shot to the pokeball. It rocked only one time, before there was a cracking sound, and the creature popped back out, the ball broken in half.

And after one good look, Titus knew what it was. A bear cub. He didn’t recognize the species, with an odd crescent moon marking on the young female’s forehead, but she was clearly a young  ursine.

“Urrrrrrr!” the little bear cried. “Urrrr! Urrrr!”

“URRRRAAAAAAAA!” out of the bushes sprang an adult bear, spittle flying, eyes filled with rage. The beast wasn’t as large as a full grown grizzly bear, being closer in size to a black bear. It reared up as it approached the Spartan, standing about 1.8 meters tall, or a good 20cm shorter than Mel was. Mel struck first, lashing out with her knife, which cut into the bear’s chest.

Mama didn’t even notice, though there was a small bit of blood that showed. Her backhanded blow to the Spartan knocked Mel off her feet and sent her crashing through the thorn bushes. Dashed over, grabbing Mel and trying to drag her away from the still crying cub.

“RUN!” Titus screamed. Mel started to rise, a bit dizzy, even as the bear let out another deafening roar that sent icicles of fear stabbing into Titus’ gut. He’d taken on charging Brutes, and he felt no shame in the fear that gripped him now, just as it had then. Back then, he’d had a full squad of ODST’s and an MA5C in his hands, but he’d still pissed himself.

To Titus’ immense disappointment, Mel got back to her feet, but instead of doing the sensible thing and running the hell away, she grabbed Titus’ knife, then attacked mama bear again. It dissolved into a melee of fur and fang against steel and speed. For a few seconds, Titus could only watch as both combatants drew blood. Mel was bigger, and faster it seemed, but the bear was completely unphased by the superficial wounds on its forelegs and chest Mel inflicted, while the one swipe Mel didn’t dodge ripped half her shirt off and left blood oozing from deep gashes in her side.

Thinking quickly, Titus grabbed the baby bear. It howled and scratched at him, but he ignored it. With a heave, Titus pitched the baby as far into the bushes behind her mother as he could.

That distracted the mother, who snarled and backed away from Mel. She was bleeding from half a dozen cuts, but in the time Titus had looked away, she’d mauled Mel’s arm, to the point that Mel couldn’t hold the knife anymore, with the arm hanging limply at her side. One of the bear’s eyes was cut, but the mother seemed undeterred, snarling and snapping her jaws.

“Mel, you’re strong, but that’s a goddamn bear. We need to-”

The bear vanished. One second it was there, the other it faded into shadows.

“What the fu-” Mel began, and then the bear reappeared, emerging from the shadows at her side. The bear’s fangs sang into her injured right arm, and Mel screamed. Her left arm shot up, burying the knife in the bear’s neck. The bear roared and let go, backing away, but Mel was too, panting hard and bleeding. She staggered down to one leg, gasping for breath, and clapping a hand to her shredded arm.

Totally lost at what else to do, Titus grabbed the pokeball at his belt and threw it at the bear. It hit the muzzle, then out popped Floppy.

“Mmmmggkrrrp!” the fish gasped, flopping there on the ground.

“Well, that’s dinner for it,” Titus muttered, then hurried forward to try to pull Mel away. “We have to go, now!”

“URRRRRSSSAAAA!” the bear roared, and snapped at Floppy. To Titus’ shock, the fish flipped up, its tail smacking the bear in the snout.

“Rinnnnnnnnggggg!” the cub squalled from the bushes.

“Urrr. Urrr. Urrr,” the mother snorted, backing away, and vanishing into the bushes with her cub.

“I can’t believe that worked,” Titus muttered. He grabbed Floppy’s ball, and the pokemon went back inside, even as Titus helped Mel to her feet.

“You might be able to race a horse, but bears are just bad news!” Titus told her, and dragged the bleeding Spartan away.

“I can stand,” Mel groaned, and managed to get to her feet.

“Bear’s can’t run downhill!” Titus cried, and the two of them sprinted down the mountain. Well, Titus sprinted. Mel just sort of stumbled along, keeping up with him anyway. They crashed down the slope, through the last few dozen meters of trees. They stumbled out onto a pebbled beach, where the stream flowed into a larger river.

“Oh my gods!”

They looked up in surprise to see a young woman gaping at them, fishing rod in hand as she sat on a mossy rock along the riverbank. She had on a large white hat with a short brim and red ribbon, and was wearing normal enough looking overalls. For a moment, the three of them just stared at one another, then a roar came from upslope.

“I thought you said bears couldn’t run downhill,” Mel panted, staggering along the shoreline. “Miss, you’ll want to get the hell out of here. There’s a pissed off bear behind us.”

“RAAAAAA!”

“I can hear that,” the woman said, picking up her fishing poke and hurrying over. “What did you two do, try to kidnap a tediursa when its mother was there?”

“Less talking, more running,” Titus gasped, pointing down the beach. A dirt path could be seen nearby, along with a wooden raft half drug onto the shore. “We’ve gotta get out of here!”

“Yeah, let’s just go, I wasn’t catching anything anyway. I was just-” there was another roar, and the girl squeaked. “Running!”

The three of them scrambled over to the wooden raft, which had some sort of harness hanging into the water. Titus heaved it out into the river, and all three of them scrambled on.

“Go, Kotone!” the girl cried, and tossed down a pokeball.

“Mrrr!” a blue mouse thing popped out of the pokeball, smiling up at the girl.

“Uh, sorry, this is a bit heavier, but can you tow all three of us? Please?” the girl asked, kneeling on the raft next to the mouse.

The little creature saluted, and hopped into the water, shrugging into the harness.

“Hang on!” the girl cried, and to Titus’ amazement, the raft surged forward as the mouse swam. He and Mel crouched down, watching the treeline as they were dragged out into the river.

Not ten seconds after the raft began to move, a giant shape charged out of the trees. Titus’ jaw dropped, and Mel gasped. It wasn’t a bear.

An enormous two legged green dinosaur bellowed in rage, the ground quaking as it charged forward, pebbles flying.

“That’s not an ursaring!” the girl squealed. “Kotone!!!”

“Rillllll!” the mouse screamed, and the raft somehow moved faster, even as the dinosaur surged for the water’s edge, roaring its fury.

“Holy shit, that’s a t-rex,” Titus breathed, blinking rapidly. It wasn’t, of course, the creature didn’t have the lines of a therapod at all, with green spikes growing from its head, back, and shoulders, and a tail that ended in a spiked club that combined with the stony green hide made it resemble an upright Ankylosaur.

By now, the raft was several feet out into the deep and rapidly flowing river. The dinosaur waded into the bank, but seemed to hesitate. It was over two meters tall, with a bluish diamond section on its chest, and black markings on its shoulders and legs. It bellowed again, and something black formed in its mouth.

“Duck!” screamed the girl, and all three of them hit the deck as a black orb shot through the air above them, crackling with power.

“Why’d you have to go and tick off a tyranitar?!” the girl wailed. “Don’t you have any pokemon to fight it off?!”

“What?” Titus gasped, then coughed. The air was thickening with sand as the tyranitar roared again. Impossibly, a sand storm whipped up around them, the grit biting into flesh and stinging eyes. Hastily, Titus wrapped his arms around his head and went face down, gasping in pain as the sand scoured him. There was another roar, but slowly the sandstorm faded. He cracked open one eye to see they were now a dozen meters out into the river. The tyranitar stood on the far bank, a sandstorm raging around it as it bellowed fury at them. More dark orbs fired towards them, but they splashed into the water several meters back as the mouse continued to gamely fight on. Now the current had them though, and they were being swept downriver away from the raging beast.

“What the fuck,” Titus groaned, slowly rising to a crouching position. Something smacked the back of his head, and he winced.

“Language!” the girl huffed, glaring at him. “On my ship, we have a clean mouth.”

“Uh, sorry,” Titus said, glancing at Mel, who was silently bandaging her wounds. He shifted to help her, but the other girl grabbed his arm and yanked him back to face her.

“So, I have something to ask you,” she panted.

Titus nodded, feeling a bit dazed, and she gave him a pained smile.

Closing her eyes and sucking in a deep breath, the girl screamed, “WHAT THE FUCK!?”

“Honestly?” Titus gasped, the bellows of the raging beast still echoing behind them. “Same.”

He was going to kill Jack when they met again.

Konowars Episode 22, The Dark Side Has Its Work Cut Out

Beta’d and Edited by The Grand Cogitator and Dr_Feelgood

Commissioned by Magus1108

“Why do I have to carry you through the swamp!?” Kazuma complained as he batted a slimy bit of vine out of his face. “No one else has to carry you!”

“B-but I have to carry Megumin,” Yunyun pointed out, Megumin drooling slightly on her shoulder as she snored.

Yoda’s staff bonked Kazuma in the back of the head, causing the young man to cry out, mostly in irritation. “If whining you are, finished my training is. A babysitter I am not.”

The group was currently running along what amounted to a series of low hills in the fetid swamp, an old formation of limestone that stuck up out of the waters below a few meters. Various creepy crawlies moved through the bushes, away from the burning rubble of several trees and the burnt meat smell of the very dead monsters that had thought ambushing the most trigger happy member of the Crimson Demon Clan had been a good idea.

If nothing else, Megumin’s presence on the planet was accelerating the evolution of the fauna, as anything stupid enough to attack her was on the fast track to extinction.

“Why are you berating me?! I’m not the one who called down a Force Storm that could have killed all of us!” Kazuma prototested.

“Hmph,” Yoda said, and kicked Kazuma in the side. “Running you should be. Talking, needed is not. An empty mind, seek you should. Give you this, running will.”

“C-come on, Kazuma! We’re going to be Jedi!” Yunyun said excitedly, and raced off along the mossy stones, Megumin snoring on her back.

Grumbling, Kazuma went along with the plan, if for no other reason than that Yunyun was also carrying their lunch, and he was getting hungry. Why couldn’t he give Megumin the piggyback instead of the wrinkly old gremlin?!

They scrambled along the path, occasionally swinging on vines and crawling along trees.

“Are these things structurally sound!? What if we fall!? There’s no way this is OSHA compliant! I should file a suit for how unsafe your training methods are!” Kazuma whined as he scurried up the admittedly rather slick and hazardous vines.

“But Kazuma, you get to have fun with your girlfriend, and two other friends. Isn’t this what you always wanted?” Yunyun asked, grinning down at him, her eyes glowing slightly in the murky light.

“Yoda’s not a friend,” Kazuma mumbled, though he didn’t sound convincing.

That earned him another kick in the ribs. “A friend I am not! Your teacher I am. Listen to me, you should. Hmph. No more training today you will do.”

“Friggen’ finally,” Kazuma grumbled, taking off his harness as Yoda hopped off, resting on a mossy log nearby.

“Oh…I had hoped we could train with Lightsabers today?” Yunyun asked hopefully as she gently set the still drowsy Megumin down. She got out the lunches she’d prepared earlier, giving one first to Megumin, who woke up at the realization that grub was on.

“Training in violence, need you do not. Control, restraint, peace, these are what you lack,” Yoda said, accepting

“Hmph. Violence isn’t the answer,” Megumin muttered as she dug into the meal, which was a mixture of local plants and fruit, as well as some fried fishy things.

It wasn’t bad really, and Kazuma even managed to remember to both say “thank you” and to tell Yunyun it was pretty good, earning him a beaming smile from the blushing cook.

Upon hearing Megumin’s words, Yoda perked up. “Yes, yes, learned something finally, you have!”

“Just let her finish the saying,” Kazuma sighed.

“Violence is the question!” Megumin decreed, raising her carved wooden fork skywards. “The answer is ‘yes’!”

Yoda sighed and buried his head in his hands, while Yunyun gave him an apologetic look. “Um, it’s an old Crimson Demon saying…”

“Surprised, I am not. Heard that from the elder Skywalker once I did,” Yoda muttered.

“Don’t tell me my dad married a Crimson Demon!” Kazuma groaned, shaking his head.

Hearing that made both Yunyun and the still sleepy Megumin bristle. “W-what would be so bad about that?!”

“Yeah, are you just going to ditch Yunyun?!” Megumin demanded.

“What? No! I just mean…ugh. Look, do you even know who my mom was?” Kazuma asked Yoda pleadingly.

“Yes,” Yoda said quietly. “Both your parents knew I did. Tragic was her death. Betrayed by the Dark Side, they both were.”

“Vader or something, right?” Kazuma asked, frowning.

Yoda nodded, his eyes glazing over as the old Jedi called up memories of the past. “Led to the death of your mother, Vader did. Destroyed your father as well, Vader’s actions. Only to pain and suffering, the Dark Side leads to.”

“And also Explosions,” Megumin sighed, though she sounded rather happy about it.

“M-Megumin! T-this is really sad for Kazuma! His parents-”

“Blast them, they never did anything for me. Ditched me in a sand trap and got themselves killed,” Kazuma grumbled, his cheeks turning red as he looked down into his food.

Yoda eyed him, tapping his stick thoughtfully, while Megumin shrugged. “It gives you a properly dramatic backstory.”

“Yeah, sure, backstory, that’s all they were,” Kazuma mumbled, prodding his food.

Yunyun scooted over, until she was sitting right next to Kazuma. She put her arms around him, despite his half hearted attempt to move away from her. “Shhh, it’s OK. I-I know that even as weird as my dad is…I still miss my mom a lot…but I least I remember her, a little. You never got to meet your parents…”

For a moment, it seemed like Kazuma would fend Yunyun off with a snarky comment, until he started crying and Yunyun put his head on her lap so she could stroke his hair.

“I-I always used to pretend my parents were off on a mission to save the galaxy, that they’d come home, or that they died saving the galaxy from a sith lord!” Kazuma blubbered.

“On the bright side, it sounds like maybe they did,” Megumin offered. Yunyun shot her an irritated look.

Yoda watched the exchange, looking thoughtful at how Yunyun sought to comfort Kazuma. Perhaps the Jedi should have re-thought their philosophy of no attachment. For some, yes, that was the best path, as it truly was the ideal to have no attachments to the physical world, and to be guided purely by the Force. For others, however, perhaps it could be the anchor to prevent another Vader.

“M-maybe we should move, it’s cold here,” Yunyun said, suddenly shivering.

“No, I like it here. The pillow is nice,” Kazuma sighed, nuzzling Yunyun’s legs and making her blush.

“I too detect a fell wind here, with the whiff of destruction and danger!” Megumin agreed, staggering to her feet.

“The Dark Side, it is. It’s temptation, you feel,” Yoda said, stirring now that the final part of his lesson had been discovered. “Listen: and learn. Easier, some say the Dark Side is.”

“I’m up for easier,” Kazuma’s muffled voice said, face down between Yunyun’s thighs as he was.

“K-Kazuma! Sit up, we have to p-pay attention,” Yunyun said, but she made no effort to actually force him to move, much to Megumin’s obvious indignation.

“Sit up, Kazutrash!” Megumin snapped, and threw a rock that bounced off the back of his head. Fortunately, that was the thickest and toughest part of Kazuma’s body.

“Ow!” Kazuma did sit up, rubbing the back of his head and glaring at Megumin, while Yunyun looked rather disappointed.

“A trap, the Dark Side is. Easy at first, yes. Easy at first, falling is. Sudden stop at the end, easy is not,” Yoda said, glaring at his obstinate pupils.

“Yeah, yeah, the Dark Side leads to destruction, blah blah blah,” Kazuma said, rolling his eyes.

“No!” Yoda barked, slamming his cane down. “Destruction, the Dark Side IS. Good, nothing about the Dark Side is. Only negative. Fear. Hatred. Pain. All the Dark Side has to offer. Easy at first, these things are. But poison they will be! Harder in the end, the Darkside is. Bring you to a hard end, the Dark Side shall.”

“So what you’re saying is that the Dark Side is much darker and mysterious, and it has far greater destructive potential!?” Megumin asked eagerly, a manic grin sprouting on her face.

“The reason that is, that no training the Crimson Demons received,” Yoda snapped, pointing his cane at Megumin. She slumped over, and started snoring again. Yoda snorted in disgust and lowered his cane. “Flashy, the Light Side may not be. But effective and gentle, it is.”

“Her mom used to do the same thing when she wouldn’t go to bed,” Kazuma said with a smirk.

“Perhaps for annoying padawans, I should do the same,” Yoda said, nonplussed.

Yunyun had stood, and had gone over to investigate the darkened cave the evil aura was eliminated from. “Master…this place feels evil. Why haven’t you exorcized it?”

“Probably to train apprentices too dumb to NOT go into the unspeakable den of evils,” Kazuma said, taking a bite of his lunch. “Hard pass.”

Yoda blinked, then pursed his lips and frowned at Kazuma. Could it be…? No, it was impossible.

No one was so lazy that they were immune to the call of the Dark Side. Right?

To Yoda’s surprise, Yunyun turned away and sat back down. He leaned on his stick, musing on that as the two chatted and argued while they ate. He’d assumed his over eager apprentices would charge right into danger with no thought. He was just considering ordering them in, when Yunyun suddenly looked up.

“Where’s Megumin?”

Kazuma swore and threw down his lunch, standing and grabbing his blaster. “There’s a horrible cave of madness and murder right there. Where do you THINK she is?”

“N-no! Megumin!” Yunyun gasped, holding out her hand. Her lightsaber flew out of her bag, and into her palm.

“Your weapons you will not need,” Yoda said calmly. He felt slightly taken aback, as even he hadn’t sensed Megumin sneaking off into the cave.

“Yeah, no, not when Megumin might be in danger,” Kazuma said, dramatically cocking his blaster despite the fact that he didn’t need to and proving beyond a shadow of a doubt he was a Crimson Demon at heart. “Come on, Yunyun! Let’s go get her before she blows herself up.”

Yunyun ignited her lightsaber, and together the two of them charged into darkness.

The flickering glow of the lightsaber gave Kazuma just enough illumination to see by, but he still stumbled through the dim light of the interior after Yunyun. Kazuma felt something cold and clammy, and shivered slightly. “Megumin! Megumin, where’d you run off to?!”

Kazuma looked around, muttering under his breath about idiot maniacs and their lack of self preservation. When he turned around again though, Yunyun was gone, vanished into the mists that had risen up around him.

“Bantha poodoo. This is the part in the vid dramas where the slasher jumps out and picks us off, one by one,” Kazuma muttered, raising his blaster. He pointed it at an especially creepy looking corner, and pulled the trigger.

There was a brief flash and then a small explosion, and Kazuma grinned smugly, blowing the steam off the top of his blaster. “And that’s why I was voted most likely to survive a horror vid.”

KOOOOH…pffff. KOOOOH…pfff.

Kazuma sighed at the ominous breathing sound behind him. “Look, I know if I turn around, Darth Vader will be there or something. Which is patently ridiculous. There’s no way an asthmatic cyborg who’s basically the Emperor’s right hand man would fly all the way across the galaxy to lurk in some dank cave just to sneak up behind me. This is obviously a prank.”

KOOOOH…pffff. KOOOOH…pfff.

Kazuma folded his arms over his chest, and squeezed his eyes shut. “Nope. I refuse to believe it. MEGUMIN! YUNYUN! Where are you?!”

There was the sound of a lightsaber igniting, and with a yip Kazuma dove forward as the hiss of a swinging lightsaber cut the air right where he had been. He rolled on the mossy ground, and came up firing.

The ominous specter behind him deflected the bolts easily, then raised its saber menacingly, the dark cloaked figure of Vader visible in the red glow of his saber.

“Ok, you fooled me, but honestly, you’ve got to try better. This isn’t even close to my greatest fear,” Kazuma said, and plugged Vader in the head. The thing toppled over silently, the blasted helmet rolling to Kazuma’s feet.

“See? If killing him was THAT easy, we’d be done with this stupid war and I could relax already.” Kazuma glanced down to see his own face peering up at him from the fallen mask. He rolled his eyes. “Seriously? That’s the best you got? ‘Oh no, you’ll turn into that which you fight!’”

The ominous silence of the cave was all that answered him.

“Yeah!? Well, if I DID turn into Vader, that would be super! He’s rich, you know! Probably could stay home and build models as much as he wanted!” Kazuma ranted.

Somewhere, daddy dearest was carefully reading the instructions to a LEGO set, I mean, an interlocking brick system, while Komekko eagerly put together a model of a sandcrawler with him.

Turns out, even a NEET is right once in a while.

Kazuma scoffed, and kicked the helmet as hard as he could off into the shadows. He let out a yowl, clutching his boot and hopping around, having stubbed his toe. “OW OW OW! DAMMIT, THAT HURT!”

In a fury, Kazuma grabbed his blaster and started shooting randomly into the Darkness. “Come on, you stupid cave! Is that the best you’ve got!? That wasn’t even MILDLY disturbing!”

There was a shriek, and Kazuma paused. The mist rolled away, to reveal Darkness, laying on the ground, her white robes stained with red.

“Y-you shot me…Kazuma…Kazuma I thought I could trust you,” Darkness pleaded, a trembling hand reaching out towards him.

Kazuma folded his arms over his chest and sneered. “The real Darkness would be fine, and also begging for more.”

The prone figure paused. “What? Kazuma, y-you’ve killed me…your reckless violence-”

“Nope. Not buying it. Try reading my mind again, bozo. What would the real Darkness do?”

Again, Darkness paused, then a look of horror and disgust passed over her face, then a “Harder, daddy,” slipped out.

Horrified, Faux-Darkness clapped a hand over her mouth.

“Yeah, that’s more like it,” Kazuma laughed. He looked around, frowning. “Hey, where are the girls anyway?”

“Uh, K-Kazuma, shooting me has made me oh so horny,” Darkness sighed, sitting up as the bloodstain vanished. “Won’t you give into your carnal lusts, and ravish me?”

“Nice try, but Yunyun is nearby. I ain’t stupid enough to fall for that again! Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, I shoot you!” Kazuma tried shooting Darkness, but this time the blaster did what it should have done to her, which is to say, absolutely nothing.

“What is WRONG with you people?” Darkness huffed. Her form vanished, replaced by that of a wrinkly old man with white hair and a long white beard, the stereotypical evil fu-manchu type that certainly would have been acceptable back in the 70s but would definitely get you canceled now.

“No no, go back to hot girl. If you’re going to tempt me, at least do it with boobs. What do you even have to offer?” Kazuma demanded.

The dark figure slowly floated up into the air, revealing that it lacked any legs, instead the lower half being made of coalesced shadows. “I can offer you great power, young jedi. Forsake the path of the light, and-”

“Nope. Not a Jedi. Have you seen Yunyun?” Kazuma cupped his breasts, grabbing his tunic and bunching it up to emphasize his point. “Power doesn’t interest me, but those tits? That’s a girl worth fighting for!”

The dark spirit gave Kazuma a disgusted look. “Padawan’s these days. Look, I have ancient holocrons, artifacts of great power, and-”

“Really? How valuable is it in today's market? Because those imperial bantha behinds blew up my entire model collection, and replacing it ain’t gonna be cheap, let me tell you. Why, my limited edition Lucrehulk-class Droid Control Ship 1/3000 scale model ALONE was 10,000 credits! And that was on sale when you could still get it at MSRP. These days, you’d be lucky to get it for 50,000! It was like I was always telling my uncle, those things are an INVESTMENT, not just toys!”

The Dark Side spirit sighed. “They would give you great wealth.”

“Nah, forget it. Yoda would chuck it in the swamp, and I’ve seen enough holodramas to know that if I take a cursed relic it will just end badly. Still, I suppose I could case the place and see if you’ve got anything worth swiping,” Kazuma mused.

Throwing its hands up in the air, the dark spirit cried, “Forget it! You’re already more corrupt than anything I could do to you! A specter waits around for 20 years, and this is what happens?! This is worse than that eye patch wearing freak and his snarky master that showed up last time.”

Kazuma made a rude gesture, and the spirit faded away. He looked around, certain that there had to be some valuables worth swiping. Oh, and the girls. Probably needed to keep Megumin from blowing the place up.

Meanwhile, Yunyun was tiptoeing through the mists of the cave, her lightsaber gripped firmly in her hands. “K-Kazuma? M-Megumin? Where are you?”

She looked around, her eyes glowing steadily brighter in the darkness, her breath coming in nervous pants.

“Dead. I have slain them.”

Yunyun gasped, and whirled, to see a pale faced figure in a dark robe and hood step out of the shadows. A great evil aura emanated from him, and Yunyun gasped in recognition.

“T-The Emperor!?”

“Heh-heh-heh. Soon, you shall join them, pathetic sub human,” the Emperor cackled. “Now DIIIIIEEEEEE!!!”

Raising his hands, the Emperor shot out bolts of lighting from his fingertips, which streaked towards Yunyun. She parried with her lightsaber, before crying out in rage. Raising one hand, she absorbed the lighting, her eyes now glowing an ominous red.

“YOU CAN’T HURT MY FRIENDS! I WON’T LET YOU!” Yunyun screamed, and unleashed her own barrage of force lightning.

The Emperor snarled, and for a moment, the two of them dueled, dark force powers that could have snuffled the life out of dozens filling the cave. At last, Yunyun looked up, and fired off a bolt at the ceiling. A chunk of rock broke off, and the Emperor screamed as it plummeted towards him, crushing him utterly.

“Hmph. No one hurts my friends,” Yunyun declared. She saw something through the mists, and stepped forward. A throne room appeared before her, with the throne facing the other way. She hesitantly stepped forward, spying a dark cowled figure sitting on the throne. “Kazuma? M-Megumin? Um, is it you?”

The throne slowly spun about, until the figure on the throne faced Yunyun, a grin on cracked lips beneath the cowl. Wrinkled hands slowly rose, and Yunyun held her breath. The figure lowered its hood…revealing a hideously deformed face, with her hair cut! She dropped her lightsaber, sinking to her knees as vile laughter echoed in the space.

“Nooooooo!” Yunyun shrieked, tears running down her face. “That’s what the Dark Side does to you? I look so awful!”

The dark version of her stopped laughing, a baffled expression passing over its face as Yunyun stood and raced forward. She gripped her Dark clone’s face in her hands, frantically studying it. “B-but I use the special moisturizers daily! I-I can’t look like this! No, I refuse to believe it! I-I’ll swear off the Dark Side! U-use extra exfoliating shampoo! And this hair, so lank! N-no, it can’t be! B-but my breasts!”

Yunyun frantically groped herself, a look of shock and horror on the dark reflection’s face.

“No! N-Not saggy and b-baggy! That’s not the fate of a Crimson Demon!? H-How am I supposed to seduce Kazuma and win the contest if I’m ugly!?”

Crying, Yunyun put her face in her hands, and fled the cave, causing the Dark Spirit to clutch itself in shock and horror.

“I…I feel violated…” it rasped. Then vanished.

Kazuma had just about decided that there was really no good loot at all in this stupid cave, which made it a complete waste of space, when the sound of sobbing and the patter of feet told him someone was coming. He turned around just in time for someone to slam into his chest.

“K-Kazuma!” Yunyun blubbered, clutching at Kazuma’s tunic and burying her face in his chest. “I-I’m not ugly, right?!”

Slowly, Kazuma put his arms around Yunyun. He wasn’t certain what had brought this on, but her pressing her breasts up against him meant he wasn’t going to argue with it. “No, of course not, you’ve got a smokin’ bod.”

“B-but what if I got ugly! W-would you hate me?” Yunyun whimpered.

“What? No, you could never be ugly! I promise, no matter what happens, I’ll always love you,” Kazuma said. Yunyun hiccuped, and squeezed him tightly. She was almost ready to look up and kiss him, when he spoke again. “How could I not love someone with such great boobs?”

“YOU HATE ME!” Yunyun wailed, and ran off, clutching at her chest, streaking out of the cave.

“What!? Hey, that’s not what I said!” Kazuma yelped, running after her. They had both nearly made it to the entrance, when a terrible dark presence’s aura fell over them. They both skidded to a stop, looking up at the ominous figure standing before them.

“MWAHAHAHA! BEHOLD, I AM MEGUMIN! SHE WHO HAS PLUNDERED THIS PATHETIC CAVE, AND SEIZED IT’S SECRETS!”

In her hands, Megumin was holding several holocrons that glowed with a dangerous red light, along with several light sabers with spikes and blades on them that told of their dark origins.

“Megumin, you can’t be serious! You know those are cursed!” Kazuma snapped, striding forward and slapping her arms, causing the whole load to fall to the ground with a crash. “What’s the Clan’s policy on dark cursed items!?”

“To always take them and seal them away, only bringing them out for direst need,” Megumin sighed.

“Right, exactly! And what dire need do we have?” Kazuma demanded.

Megumin snatched up a lightsaber with several impractical spikes, as well as an ominous skull carved into the hilt, and ignited it. “TO LOOK AS COOL AS POSSIBLE!”

“What? That’s not cool, that’s lame! It looks like the sort of kitsch you’d get at a cheap tourist shop that sells knock off sith relics!” Kazuma argued.

Megumin shied back, a look of horror on her face. “What!? No! These are authentic! I tricked the Dark Spirit into giving them to me! It did some lame thing where I fought an evil robot, and it turned out to be me all along, but that shows what it knows! Any Crimson Demon would be super excited to be turned into a killer cyborg with an awesome cape and cool armor!”

“I-It didn’t show that using the Dark Side would make you hideously ugly?” Yunyun asked tentatively.

Megumin paused, frowning. “Well my face was all mottled and grey, but I figured that was merely a result of my dark experiments, and would only serve to strike fear into the hearts of my foes.”

“Mottled and grey? Sounds like you went from cute to uggo real fast,” Kazuma snarked.

“S-shut up! It’s cool, not ugly! Right, Yunyun?” Megumin asked.

Yunyun broke down in tears again and turned away, causing Megumin to smirk. “Ha! I win again! He thinks I’m cute, and you’re ugly!”

“What!? That is not what I said! Besides, you might be cute, but Yunyun is smoking hot! She’s a full course meal, while you’re a flat bag of chips!” Kazuma argued.

“WHAT?! I AM NOT FLAT, I AM MERELY STILL DEVELOPING!” Megumin raged.

“You’re clearly crazy and drunk on the dark side, and you hurt Yunyun’s feelings,” Kazuma said, stepping over and patting Yunyun on the back. “She would never fall to evil.”

“I-I won’t! I’ll only use the Force powers that made you look pretty!” Yunyun vowed. Then hesitated. “Um, unless it’s an emergency. F-for some reason, the best powers all make you ugly…”

“Who told you that!? Crimson Demons and our superior breeding are immune to such pathetic diseases. Unless, of course, they would make us cooler and more mysterious!” Megumin bragged.

“What, is that what you’re worried about?” Kazuma asked. He pulled Yunyun into a hug, and patted her on the back. “Don’t worry, I won’t let you use so much dark powers that you turn into a hag.”

“R-really?” Yunyun asked hopefully. “I-I don’t want to be ugly…”

“Coward,” Megumin grumbled.

“Sure. Though, I mean, you will get old someday. But I’m sure you’ll be like, a MILF or something,” Kazuma said with a shrug.

Yunyun considered this, then pulled Kazuma into a kiss. However, she slipped to the side, then whispered in his ear, “if you ever ditch me for a younger woman, I will hunt you down, cut off your balls, saute them, and then feed them to you before killing you myself. Are we clear?”

“Um, crystal,” Kazuma said, swallowing hard.

Then he and Yunyun kissed some more, earning several disgusted sounds from Megumin. After a moment, she casually said, “Oh, I almost forgot, I had to leave something behind in exchange for these relics.”

Kazuma and Yunyun ignored Megumin, continuing their game of tongue hockey.

“You know what I left?” Megumin prompted. When her only answer was wet sucking noises, she answered her own question: “My entire bandolier of thermal detonators!”

Yoda was sitting outside, munching on a frog-like creature he’d managed to catch. It was so peaceful and quiet now. He’d forgotten what that was like, and how much he enjoyed it. Perhaps he should sneak off while his supposed padawans were in that cave. Find another uninhabited world he could retire to, unmolested by idiot apprentices.

“No. Fate of the universe, in the balance, it hangs. See this through, I must,” Yoda muttered, slurping down the last of the frog. His belly gurgled in protest, and he grimaced. “Stress eating, I am. Put on a full kilo I have. Good for my cholesterol, those three are not.”

He heard sounds from the cave, and looked up to see his three padawans appear at a dead run.

“HIT THE DECK!” Kazuma screamed, jumping over the log and catching Yoda in a flying tackle. They hit the soft, swampy ground, knocking the breath out of the old jedi master. He was just about to berate his apprentices, while the ground got up and slapped them all around as a deafening roar blotted out his hearing.

When the ground stopped trembling, and the trees quit falling over, Yoda slowly stood up. The dark side cave was gone, erased from existence. In its place was a smoldering crater. All around them, the trees of Dagobah had caught fire, and were smoldering. Steam and smoke filled the air, and the panicked cries of animals could be heard.

Slowly, Yoda turned to his groaning apprentices. Bits of their clothing and hair had caught fire, and all three of them looked utterly miserable.

“Uh, we exorcized the cave, master?” Kazuma offered.

Yoda hit him on the head with his cane. “THE WAY OF A JEDI THIS IS NOT! TRAIN YOU I SHALL UNTIL YOUR LEGS FALL OFF! RUN NOW, YOUNG FOOLS! IF CATCH YOU I DO, YOUR HIDES I WILL TAN!”

Screaming in pain and fear, all three of the young idiots ran off as Yoda sprang after them, thwacking any of them that slowed down too much with his staff.

True, this wasn’t doing anything for their inner peace and harmony, but it was making Yoda feel a lot better.

That night, after shooing his apprentices outside and laying down in his bed, Yoda was just about to drift off to sleep, when he felt an evil presence. Without opening his eyes, he spoke. “Hmm. So come, have you? Enough for you tempting my padawans was not. Visit evil in my home, will you?”

“Actually,” the Dark Force ghost said, sounding somewhat sheepish. “I was sort of…hoping you wouldn’t mind a roommate?”

Yoda cracked open one eye. “Already have three evil spirits haunting me. Need another, I do not.”

“Oh, well, yeah, I understand,” the ghost said. It floated there for a moment, and Yoda closed his eye, trying to decide if it was worth the effort of getting up and properly disposing of it.

“So, I was thinking…maybe we could get rid of them? If they weren’t around, I could, you know, haunt the swamp. Live off the malignant decay and rot, you know? But, uh, with those three around…sort of uncomfortable here now.”

“Three seconds you have to leave, before disposing of you I am.”

“I’m just saying! They’re not proper Dark Siders OR Light Siders. They throw off the whole balance of the Force! If something isn’t done, they’ll ruin every-”

Yoda summoned all his power, and concentrated on removing the spirit. It fled, and he rolled over. Then he opened both his eyes, his heart pounding.

“Not light side, not dark side…what side follow they?”

Outside, there was a sudden blast, and a mad cackle. “BWAH-HA-HA! I AM MEGUMIN! FOREMOST GENIUS OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN, SHE WHO WILL-”

“WILL YOU SHUT UP!? SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!”

“Megumin, j-just because you’re jealous that Kazuma and I are sharing a tent-”

“NO! I need to replenish my supplies! Look, I have developed a new device that-”

“IF COMING OUT THERE I AM, THE BACK OF MY HAND YOU SHALL CATCH!” Yoda shouted.

“Yes master, sorry master!” the three chorused, and relative silence descended.

Yoda snorted. “Not light or dark. Madness. Sanity, I must restore.”

Then he went to bed, because that sounded like a task you shouldn’t tackle while sleep deprived.

Forward Unto Johto (Pokemon/Halo)

Commissioned by Stormed

Beta’d and Edited by The Grand Cogitator and Dr_Feelgood

The deck shuddered as alarm claxons sounded, and warning lights flashed. Titus swore loudly, his boots pounding along as he looked over at Jack, fury in his eyes.

“It’ll be an easy mission, you said. Piece of cake, you said. Right up your alley, you said.”

“In my defense, the actual mission should be a cakewalk,” Jack panted as the two raced for the hanger bay of the UNSC Snowy March.

The ship shuddered again, and the voice of the ship’s AI came over the intercom. “Hull breach in sector gamma. Repeat, hull breach in sector gamma…”

“Fuck me, that thing actually pierced the hull?!” Titus gasped, and paused to look out of an armored porthole. He caught sight of a green, serpentine shape squirming through the pitch black of space, then yelped as a bright beam of white light raced towards the Snowy March. He instinctively ducked, though fortunately this particular attack barely missed the frantically evading frigate.

“Come on! We’ve got to go,” Jack snarled, grabbing Titus and dragging him away.

“I saw it!” Titus gasped as they raced forward.

“Super. You can fill out what it looked like in the after action report. Either way, we’ve got to get on the Pelicans and get down there, now!”

“Are you serious!? If it takes off after us instead of the frigate, we’re toast!” Titus protested, but he ran on regardless.

There was a more gentle bucking as the ship’s main gun fired. Jack glanced down at his data pad, which showed the damage to the ship, as well as an image of their attacker. He whistled softly. “Swing and a miss. That thing is fast.”

“The hell is it!? It didn’t look like a ship, it looked like-”

“A dragon. Yes, I know,” Jack said, grimacing. “Congratulations. Now you know why you’re along.”

Titus stopped dead in his tracks, and Jack made it half a dozen meters before he skidded to a stop and turned around.

“You have to be shitting me,” Titus said, pointing to the bulkhead where the battle still raged. “Look, I have experience with exotic animals, but THAT? No way.”

“We’ll start with one of the little ones and work our way up. This is what you signed up for, soldier,” Jack said, a vicious grin on his face.

“Oh FUCK you,” Titus snarled, balling his hands into fists and racing after Jack. “You said that just to piss me off!”

“Me, a simple spook, try to piss off an ODST? Never,” Jack swore, going back to a sprint as they ran pell mell for the last few meters to the hanger bay.

Inside, the Pelicans were already warming up, along with two Longsword fighters. Jack and Titus raced up the ramp, which began to close behind them even as they buckled themselves in.

“Took you two long enough!” the pilot called. “Strap yourselves in! We’re getting the hell out of here!”

As the Pelican powered up, the two Longswords launched, racing out into the black to take on the monster that was still dueling a UNSC warship, and by what Titus could tell, winning. Granted, the Snowy March was a light frigate, built more for troop transport than anything else, but it was still a warship with a MAC cannon and missile pods.

Strapping himself in, Titus closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He’d almost rather be launching in a drop pod. He’d done that in training, and once in combat on Earth of all places, but he’d always thought he’d rather ride down to a planet in a Pelican drop ship than one of those coffins.

Jack pulled up his data pad, watching the tactical display as the two Longswords raced to engage the monster. There was a view from one of the Longsword’s hull cameras, which Jack pulled up, zooming in to give a better view of their attacker. The thing was huge, a dozen meters long, with fin-like protrusions along its serpentine body. It undulated through space, closing in on the fighter rapidly.

“Engaging,” the fighter pilot’s voice said, tight and strained. The screen shuddered slightly, and rounds from the Longsword’s eight 50mm guns raced away. Several of them slammed into the thing, which twisted and roared silently. A moment later, it disappeared from the screen.

“What the hell, where did it-” the pilot cried, then a moment later he screamed as the hull camera went dark.

Jack muttered something and switched to the other Longsword’s view. The monster had wrapped itself around the first Longsword, and was crushing it in its coils. Titus winced as atmosphere and flames erupted from the trapped Longsword.

“Shit, shit, shit!” the second pilot gasped, and a moment later two missiles sped away from his craft. They impacted the beast in silent balls of fire. But when the light faded, the creature, whatever it was, seemed unscathed. It unwrapped itself, and then vanished again.

“What the hell…” Titus muttered, peering at the screen. “Where did it-”

“FUCK!” the pilot screamed.

Green coils appeared near the camera on the second longsword, then the signal was lost.

“We’ve lost contact with Dagger 1 and Dagger 2,” the pilot of the Pelican said softly, her voice ragged with pain.

“Is it coming after us?” Jack said, closing his eyes and bowing his head.

“Negative. Bogey 1 is moving off to engage the Snowy March again. We’re in the clear. I hope it was worth it,” the pilot answered, her voice tight.

ONI bastard, went unsaid.

Jack tucked away his datapad, slumping in his harness and wiping perspiration from his forehead.

“Jack, the fuck is that thing?” Titus asked quietly.

His old friend gave him a tight lipped smile. “That, marine, is what we are here to find out.”

The rest of the ride down to the planet was relatively uneventful, with no further hostiles detected. They slipped into the atmosphere with only a little bouncing, and the pilot’s voice spoke again.

“The weather outside is a balmy 25C, atmo is a pleasant 77/22 mix of nitrogen and oxygen, pressure is a perfect one atmo, gravity is .97G. Welcome to hell, gentlemen.”

“Nice place for such awful monsters,” Jack muttered.

For the first time, their other companion in the back of the Pelican spoke. “Don’t let your guard down, marine. Beauty can hide deadly claws.”

Jack looked over at the furthest jump seat from his, where what looked like a tall teenage girl sat. Her expression was placid, but the number of weapons and the MJOLNIR armor she wore bespoke what she was: Spartan.

“I, uh, will stay sharp, uh M-119,” Titus promised, trying not to sound condescending. From what he could tell, she really was a kid, but she’d insisted on going by her letter designation. She was a cold eyed killer from what he could tell, and Jack had told him that despite her looks, she was a fully trained Spartan. One out of a job since the war had ended, which was how she’d ended up working for ONI.

M-119 nodded, then reached down and picked up her helmet, setting it on her head. She took out her SMG and stroked the barrel like it was some kind of pet, resting it in her lap.

Titus shuddered slightly and looked away. He’d never actually met a Spartan, until he’d met M-119 a few weeks ago when they’d first been briefed for the mission. The stories he’d heard, especially about Master Chief, who’d died in defense of Earth and saved it in the process. This Spartan though…child soldiers? Well, he was sworn to ONI secrecy anyway, so it wasn’t like he could talk about it.

After what felt like an eternity, the pilot’s voice came over the intercom again. “Alright, I’ve got a good spot to set us down. Up in the mountains, close to a road, but away from any settlements.”

Jack nodded, examining a topographical map on his data pad. “Perfect, right near our suggested LZ. Any word from the Snowy March?”

“Negative. I think it’s safe to assume they bugged out. We’re on our own for now,” the pilot said, her voice strained.

“As we figured.” Jack smiled at Titus, and flashed one at M-119 as well. “Well boys and girls, we’re on our own, just like we planned. Who’s ready to go for a walk?”

“Affirmative,” M-119 said.

“Oorah,” Titus grunted, and checked his assault rifle.

“Now, before we touch down, remember our objectives,” Jack said, checking his own pistol. “We’re to make contact with the locals: Friendly like. We know from SIGINT that there’s humans down here. Our next objective is to capture some of the local fauna. Again, SIGINT tells us that these ‘pokemon’ are indigenous life forms unlike anything we’re familiar with.”

“And are we going to stick them in our balls?” Titus asked dryly, thinking of the rather odd piece of intel they’d gotten about how Pokemon were supposedly tamed.

“That would be helpful, yes!” Jack said brightly. “The good news is the local lingo hasn’t drifted too much from standard English. So to repeat: this is an intelligence and recon mission. Just blowing up the locals isn’t what we’re here for.”

“Affirmative,” M-119 stated, though Titus had to wonder why the hell you brought a Spartan along if you didn’t want something thoroughly blown to hell.

Everyone checked the seals on their armor and suits, and the hatch of the Pelican hissed open. Just because the air mix was good didn’t mean there weren’t nasty viruses and microbes that could ruin your day still.

M-119 led the way out of the Pelican, which was just fine by Titus. She stormed out, twin SMGs at the ready, scanning the arena as she dashed to cover. Titus followed more slowly, looking around as he exited the ramp of the ship. He paused, forgetting the danger for just a moment to take in the sights.

They were in a picturesque mountain meadow. The nearby trees were a mixture of pine and juniper, with an occasional oak or maple. Around the ship grew knee high grass, with bright wildflowers swaying in the breeze. Not far off, a babbling brook cut its way down a rocky slope, with mossy rocks poking out of it. They were not too far from a rocky slope, which descended sharply over a thousand meters to what looked like a valley with a wide river running through the center below them.

“Jesus,” Titus breathed. He was sorely tempted to take off his helmet, and breathe in what had to be crisp mountain air. “It’s beautiful.”

“And dangerous. Eyes up, Marine,” Jack said, shoving Titus on the back.

He grunted and hurried over to a tree at the edge of the meadow, looking around. He didn’t see anything but what looked like virgin forest, and nothing moving but plants swaying in the breeze. He looked around for any signs of wildlife, but didn’t spot anything. Just a peaceful forest and meadow.

“I’ve got something,” M-119 said, her tone utterly neutral. “Possible native lifeform.”

Titus and Jack turned to see the Spartan near the creek, and both dashed over. They found the Spartan standing over the water, where an orange fish swam lazily in the current. The creature was somewhat large, being over a meter long, and looking rather large and heavy, especially for a freshwater fish. It was so large, its upper fin stuck up out of the shallow creek bed, the fish didn’t seem to mind, swimming in a slow circle in a deeper pool.

“OK, it looks, uh…kinda derpy,” Jack said, frowning down at the fish. Its eyes peered up at them, vacant looking and oddly intelligent, but at the same time completely blank. “But records indicate that this is some sort of pokemon. We need to capture it, alive if possible.”

“Well I guess that’s me then,” Titus said, making a face. He looked around, then grabbed a promising looking tree branch. He chopped it off, shaving off the pine needles and twigs sticking out of it.

“I could simply grab it,” M-119 said, her gun steadily tracking the fish. “Or shoot it.”

“No, there’s a proper way to do these things,” Titus said, tying a string to the pole, then bending a pin into a hook shape. He bent down and rooted around in the mud. “Help me find a worm or something.”

After a bit of digging in the loose earth, Titus did indeed find an earthworm, which wriggled mightily as he pulled it out. It looked like a standard Earth worm, and he stuck it to a pin from his pack, then tied some string to his newly made fishing pole. He tossed the line into the pool, the worm sinking beneath the surface.

“That’s your plan?” Jack asked, sounding half amused as Titus sat cross legged on a rock.

“Shut up, it’s a good plan,” Titus grumbled. “Didn’t you ever go fishing as a kid?”

“During survival training, though we used a spear or our bare hands,” M-119 commented. For a Spartan, she sure was chatty. Weren’t they supposed to be all stoic?

“Yeah, well, we want to catch it, not- WOAH!” Titus jerked the line as the fish bit into it. He tugged, expecting a mighty fight. Instead, he easily pulled the fish out of the pool, where it flopped onto the grass.

The fish opened and closed its mouth, emitting an odd cry. “Mmmmgggkkkrrrppp!”

“That’s weird, fish don’t normally do that, right?” Titus said, standing over the weakly flopping fish and scratching his head.

“It’s a carp of some kind from our sigint,” Jack said, frowning down at it. He looked up at Jack, still vaguely amused. “So, now what?”

“Uh, well, we should…put it in a bucket or something?” Titus said, looking around sheepishly. He hadn’t actually thought this far ahead. The fish continued to flop around, slowly moving back towards the water.

M-119 reached down and picked the fish up by its tail, causing it to hang there, blinking stupidly and looking at her as she lifted it up to eye height. “It would make a filling meal.”

“Mmmmkkkrrrppp!” the fish cried, and began to struggle violently, almost as if it had understood the Spartan, flopping around wildly in her iron grip.

“I mean, we could take tissue samples I suppose,” Jack agreed. “We-”

There was a bright green flash from the forest, and M-119 dropped the fish, her gun snapping up. A three round burst ripped from it as a viridian streak flashed towards them. Titus and Jack swore, both going for their guns, but time seemed to slow, the air turning to jelly around them. The sound of a clock ticking became audible, with a tick…tick…….tick………….tick…..and then it stopped.

Titus could only watch as the green streak flew up towards him. The light faded revealing some sort of…fairy? It looked to be about half a meter tall, with large, bright blue eyes, and insect-like wings that blurred as they fluttered, keeping the creature aloft. It was green, with a head that looked a bit like an onion bulb with two antennas poking out of the front. There were two arms and legs, and a mouth that was turned down in a frown as the little creature observed them.

What the fuck. Titus thought. This is crazy.

The sprite circled around M-119 first, flying in a lazy circle. It bobbed up by her head, cocking its own to one side. Impossibly, the Spartan was still moving, though at a glacial pace, her guns trying to come to bear on the creature. It giggled, then moved forward, and kissed M-119 on the rim of her helmet.

Titus gaped as the Mjonlir armor, some of the most durable material that the UNSC could produce, the sort of stuff that could take a round from a tank and somehow survive, shattered. It dissolved to its component parts, falling off M-119, exposing her face. She fell to the ground, apparently out of the time stop, though the pieces of her armor floated in the air, slowly drifting outwards and down. She stood, a look of shock on her face as she looked at the spritely creature. Then she instantly fell into a combat stance, punches flying out in rapid succession.

The fairy creature giggled, flying up out of the Spartain’s reach, which only caused M-119 to leap up, a flying elbow striking for the fairy. It just dodged to the side, slapping M-119’s forearm. She slowed back to a crawl, drifting upwards, a look of stoic resolve on her face as she flew through the debris of her armor.

Then the fairy drifted down, floating in front of Jack. A look of what could only be described as annoyance flashed over its face as it circled his head. It simply floated down, then touched Jack’s gun, which was leaving his holster at an agonizingly slow pace. The gun too fell to its component parts. The fairy nodded, then flew up to Jack’s face.

Another warrior. Sad. Perhaps I should send you and the sneak back to the beyond. It would be appropriate.

I, what?! You can talk!? Titus thought, his eyes widening in shock.

Hmmm? Such primitive thoughts. Well, there’s not a lot- oh. What’s this?

An image of Stripes, sleeping in Titus’s arms right after her hatching, his hands still slick with blood from feeding her. He felt a horrible pang at the memory. He’d been so happy in that moment. He felt a tear form, as another memory flashed. Stripes, bloody and dead in his arms, his hands slick with blood again, this time hers. A dead Jackal lay not far away, and Titus’ leg burned from the plasma fire that had nearly killed him.

She’d saved his life, and given hers.

You weep, human. Why?

Numbly, Titus responded automatically. She was my friend. My partner. She…she saved my life. I miss her…

Hmmm…

The sprite flitted around Titus for a few moments. He sweated nervously as she…? The voice felt female, anyway, few behind his back. At last the fairy flew in front of Titus’ face, studying him.

Well, if Ray-Ray can no longer keep Outsiders away…I suppose you’re not the worst of the lot…

Ray-Ray? Titus’ asked, his mind reeling. What was this? What was happening?

He-he! The fairy tittered, floating up in front of Titus face, tucking her hands behind her back and giggling at him. Ray-Ray is scary, but I’m nice! Even if I am the Guardian of the Forest. Very well! I think you’re nice, Titus Rann. You can stay! You and Mel.

Mel?

I don’t like the Sneak, but he’s your friend, so I won’t hurt him, don’t worry. Your very own adventure is about to start, Titus! Try to have fun! And take good care of your friends. I know you will: You loved Stripes, after all.

The fairy flew forward, and Titus’ eyes crossed. She kissed him on the nose, and his armor shattered around him. She flew back, winking at him.

Goodbye, Titus and Mel! I’ll find some friends to send your way, don’t worry. Here, you’ll need these. Farewell! We shall meet again. When next we meet, I hope you’ll both be happier.

Six red balls appeared in a flash of light, and the fairy flew off, vanishing into the trees.

Time suddenly began to flow at its normal pace, and Titus staggered as his armor and weapons fell to the ground around him, turned to scrap. He blinked stupidly, then let out a yell as the ground shook.

M-119 had landed, and was looking around, falling into a ready stance even as her armor clattered to the ground around her. Titus was surprised: She really was a kid, no more than 16 or so, even if her toned muscles made her look a bit older. She still had the gangly arms and legs of someone not quite finished growing, even if she was nearly two meters tall without the armor.

“It’s gone,” M-119 said, her tone calm and steady.

“Yeah. Whatever the hell it was,” Jack said, slowly shaking his head.

“Mgggkkkrrp?”

Titus blinked, and realized the fish was laying on the ground in front of him, blinking stupidly in the sunlight. On impulse, he picked up one of the balls the fairy had left. The top half was red, but the bottom was white, with a black line separating the two halves. He pushed the button at the front, and the ball expanded, quadrupling in size from the size of a golf ball to that of a softball.

“I wonder,” he muttered, and pointed at the front of the fish.

“Woah, Titus! Hold on, we need to-” Jack began, but he tossed the ball down at the fish.

There was a flash of light, and the fish glowed, then was sucked into the ball. It lay on the ground, rocking back and forth weakly. Once, twice…three times. Then there was a soft “ping” sound, and it lay still.

Bending over, Titus picked up the ball, holding it in his hand. His own reflection stared back at him, and he shook his head. “Huh.”

“Well damn,” Jack said, coming over and studying the ball. “I guess that’s a real Pokeball. Shit, I didn’t think it would work like that. What kind of technology is it?”

“Well, the brief said you can capture them with these, right?” Titus said. He turned, and tossed the ball onto the grass. “Come on, Floppy.”

“Mgggkkkrrpp!” the fish appeared on the ground with a flash, the ball bouncing back through the air to Titus, who snagged it. He went over and picked up the fish, examining.

“Huh, you look healthy. That ball comfortable, Floppy?”

To his shock, the fish nodded at him. “Krrrpppp.”

“Is it intelligent?” M-119 asked, coming over and looming over Titus. Her stoic expression vanished for a moment, replaced by genuine curiosity. Then it was schooled back to neutrality in an instant.

“That’s…something we’ll have to research,” Jack called from the Pelican. “Hey, Lt. Gray, how you holding up?”

“Fine, just running some checks, why?” the voice of the pilot called back.

“Just checking. How’s your sidearm?”

There was a moment’s silence, then loud and voluble swearing. “Where’d it go? The hell!?”

“Check the ship's systems for me, please.”

“I just ran a fucking- I mean, yes sir,” Gray said grudgingly. Technically, Jack was a Lieutenant as well, and of equal rank with Grey, but he was ONI, and in charge of the mission. After a few moments, there was more swearing.

“The fuck!? Our gun is just GONE. System won’t even respond! Everything else is green, I- hold on.”

“Sorry, Floppy, take a break,” Jack said, and pressed the button on Floppy’s pokeball. The pokemon vanished back into it, and he tucked it into his pouch. He bent down and picked up the other five balls, then walked up the ramp to find M-119 inspecting the ship's armory. Instead of the rack of rifles, ammo, grenades, and pistols, there was only bits of metal and plastic.

“Well, shit,” Titus said.

M-119 nodded, then turned to him. “How’s your knife?”

Titus pulled it out of its holster, flipping the blade over and examining it, then holding it out to the Spartan.

She shook her head, stepping back from the weapons rack. She had to slouch slightly, as she was too tall for the cramped hold even without her armor. Titus’ own head barely brushed the ceiling, and he had to bend his knees slightly to keep from banging his own head. “Knives are fine. All guns are destroyed. Ammo too.”

“Weird,” Titus said, slipping his knife into the hoster. He considered, then held out three of the balls to M-119. “Here you go…Mel.”

“Thanks,” she said, taking them, then froze. Her eyes snapped up to meet Titus’, pupils wide. Then he found himself pinned to the bulkhead, a vice-like grip around his throat.

“How,” Mel said quietly, her tone soft and deadly. “That’s classified. I never told you. Never even told the ONI spook. Did he tell you?”

“F-fairy,” Titus gasped. “Voice in my head.”

Mel studied him for a long moment, then let out a sigh. She let go, and Titus slumped down, gasping and massaging his throat.

“When we’re on a mission, I’m M-119,” Mel said, her tone firm, but flat. Then, she looked away, and to Titus’ shock, she blushed faintly. “When we’re not…when we’re off duty…Melissa is fine. Not Mel.”

“Uh, alright,” Titus agreed, swallowing. “Didn’t mean to offend.”

“It’s fine. Sorry. I’m jumpy. I’m not used to…other people…knowing my name,” her expression became pained, and for a moment, she didn’t look like a killing machine, or even a teenager. She looked like a warweary veteran, with the thousand yard stare Titus was all too familiar with. He’d seen it in his own mirror some mornings.

Earth had been his first and last combat drop. But those weeks of hell…He hadn’t been a greenhorn after that fight. Stripes had been far from the only friend he’d seen die.

Titus sat in one of the booster seats, looking forward to where Jack and Grey were talking loudly, apparently trying to diagnose the problems the Pelican had. To his surprise, Mel sat across from him, she just didn’t look like a Melissa, folding her hands in front of her and looking pensive for a moment, before again that Spartan mask slipped over her face.

“So. Were you at Earth?” Titus asked.

She was silent for a long moment, studying Titus. “Spartan ops are classified.”

“This whole thing is classified to hell and back. Shit, I was rated top secret. Things I probably shouldn’t tell you. But I was always working for ONI, even as a green ODST. Started young. I tried to sign up at 16, got rejected initially, but…”

Was that a half smile that quirked Mel’s lips? Titus couldn’t tell. “I signed up rather young too. I take it ONI grabbed you?”

“Yeah. I was born on a colony. Reikland System. Pretty agrarian. Was always good with animals. Got tapped for…” Titus chuckled. “I’ll tell if you will?”

“That is against opsec,” Mel said sternly. Then she was quiet for a moment. “I was not at Earth. I was…elsewhere. I am not…I am not one of the Spartan’s you’ve heard of. We were….the new generation.”

Titus was quiet, his heart pounding in his chest. He’d grown up hearing of the legendary exploits of the Spartans, the heroes who never knew defeat. Master Chief and his band of heroes who’d driven off the Covenant time and again, until finally defeating them at Earth. But if there were more…

“I can’t say much, but…the battle I fought…it was bloody. Of my fam-of my company… I was the only survivor,” Mel said, her tone filled with pain. “I was picked up by ONI, and assigned to this mission. I do not have experience with animals, but…I am a Spartan.”

Titus nodded soberly. “I’m sure it was a hell of a fight. I was at Earth with my…partner. Stripes. She was a gene modded organism. Wasn’t combat ready. Whole program wasn’t. But at Earth…we threw everything we had into the blender.”

The robotic features of the Spartan softened into those of tender compassion, and she made no effort to wipe them away this time. She didn’t speak, only nodded, then held out a hand to Titus. He took it, and she shook. Her grip was gentle, not firm, as if that of a man holding something fragile. Considering Spartan strength…Titus was grateful. He made his grip firm, but didn’t try to make it crushing. He’d lose that contest.

“Melissa-119, the last of Delta Company.”

“Titus Rann, the last of Project Jurassic.”

That prompted a raised eyebrow from Mel, but she didn’t inquire further. Simply releasing Titus’ hand. They sat in companionable silence for a while, both of them studying the pokeballs they’d received from the odd fairy.

After nearly an hour, during which Grey and Jack went out and physically inspected the now completely empty gun mount, Jack came back, flashing his perfectly white smile. “Glad to see you two are friends now! Well, as normal, things are FUBAR. However, it’s not a complete loss. We’ve still got our comms gear, and I managed to get in touch with HQ. Mission is still a go. They’ll try to send in reinforcements and resupply, but we were always out on a long lead for this one. More freedom that way!”

And more likelihood of you dying and ONI denying any knowledge you ever existed, Titus thought to himself, but he just sat up and tried to look attentive.

“You two are to set out and try to make contact with the locals. Like I said, comms equipment is fine, and, well, locals have a crude comms network we can abuse for over the horizon stuff. Seems like late 20th century stuff, so it won’t be weird if you’re seen making a phone call.”

“Ruh roh,” Titus said, keeping his face. “Split up and rook for crues?”

Kathy gave him a blank look, apparently back in Spartan mode, but Jack laughed and slapped Titus on the shoulder. “That’s right, Scoob! Grey and I will stay back here at base camp. Things get hot, we can roll in and extract you. No weapons, mind, but the locals will piss their pants to see this bird come down on them anyway. As far as we can tell, tech level is 20th century like I said, so they have fixed wing aircraft, but nothing like this. Still, we’d like to keep things quiet like.”

“Sir, with all due respect, do you really think I won’t stand out in a crowd?” Mel asked, her expression and tone utterly deadpan.

He shrugged. “You’re outside the norm, sure, but if I didn’t know any better I’d just think you’re really tall and muscular. Not anything totally out of the ordinary.”

Jack pulled out his data pad, then projected a map onto the bulkhead. “There’s two nearby regions. To the East is the Kanto region, to the West, Johto. We’ll have you both head into the Johto region first. Mingle with the locals, scout the place out, and, well, catch as many of the pokemon as you can.”

“You want us to catch them all?” Titus asked.

“That’s right, marine. Gotta catch ‘em all!” Jack laughed. “There’s something like 1000 known species of pokemon from what we can tell. Find as many of them as you can, and collect them for transport back to Earth.”

Titus and Mel nodded, then Jack became much more serious. “More importantly…find these Legendary and Mystical pokemon. That fairy thing…that was probably Celebi. Higher ups think…well. I can’t say much, but they think this is some sort of advanced technology left behind by an advanced civilization. If you can find any ruins or relics, we’re very interested in those. But definitely pokemon like Celebi. Capture it at any cost.”

“Alive?” Mel asked, her tone neutral.

“Preferably. Dead if you have to,” Jack answered, his own expression grim.

Titus felt a pang. The little fairy hadn’t seemed evil. Mischievous, yes, but not malicious. If Celebi could shatter armor like that, killing them shouldn’t have been an issue.

Have fun on your new adventure!

Titus nodded, but doubts began to stir within him. Still, for now, he’d follow orders.

A new world awaited.

Legend of Galactic Zeroes, Chapter 16

“So when’s the parade?”

Darkness paused in getting down from her mecha, and turned to look at Kazuma. He was standing just below her, having already clambered out of the Laggan. She still looked a bit rumpled, and her mecha had plenty of scouring and blast marks on it. Though it didn’t actually seem to have been damaged at all.

“Parade?” Darkness asked, frowning.

“Yeah. We won an awesome victory over the forces of evil and liberated the city. So, I expect a full ticker tape parade. Maybe a statue in my honor. Though instead of a statue, you could just give me the cash value instead,” Kazuma suggested.

“Your statue!? It was my Wave Motion Explosion Cannon that saved the day, and you didn’t even fuse with me!” Megumin huffed, sliding down the ladder of her own mecha and stomping over, her newly acquired “cat” clutched in her arms.

“Megumin, where did you get the cat?” Darkness asked, hurrying down to peer at the thing in Megumin’s arms.

“I won her as a prize for my mastery of firepower,” Megumin said smugly, holding up the cat for Darkness to see. “She is Chomusuke.”

“Meow,” Chomusuke said.

“That’s uh…I’ve never actually heard a cat say ‘meow’ before,” Darkness said, hesitantly reaching out a hand to stroke the cat’s head.

Chomusuke accepted the gesture, though she looked ready to bite Darkness and anyone else who touched her, hissing softly.

“Well? What about the statue?” Megumin demanded.

Darkness sighed and shook her head. “Perhaps someday, but there is still much rebuilding to do. There are, ah…other rewards…”

Kazuma was instantly there, taking Darkness’ hand and pressing his lips to the back of it while she blushed, and Megumin scowled. “Do tell. I’m all ears.”

“W-well, um, I did say, that, ah, I would be granting you…” Darkness was blushing deep red and shifting nervously, but Kazuma was already thinking of how he could abuse this.

“I’d rather have a statue,” Megumin grumbled. Then she looked behind Darkness and made a face. “Oh no.”

Kazuma turned in time to see Mitsurugi stumble forward, grabbing onto Darkness’ arm and causing her to spin around. Her face immediately went from flushed due to arousal, to flushed due to anger.

“Lady Lalatina, I…I have something to say,” Mitsurugi said, stammering and looking away from her.

She jerked her arm away, glaring at the knight. “I was having a private conversation, Sir Mitsurugi. While I am grateful for your, ah, aid to Kazuma, I am not-”

“I am afraid,” Mitsurugi interrupted, looking at Kazuma and blushing. “I must…I no longer seek your hand, Lady Lalatina.”

That brought Darkness up short, and she blinked in surprise. “Oh. Uh…I am glad you have, ah…come to your senses?”

“I know this must be hard for you, but I can no longer in good faith pursue you,” Mitsurugi continued, his eyes boring into Kazuma and making him feel slightly uncomfortable now.

“Good, then go away,” Megumin said bluntly.

But Misturugi ignored her, and suddenly surged forward, grabbing Kazuma by the shoulders.

“Hey, what gives?!” Kazuma sputtered, looking up at the much taller man. He felt himself blushing, noticing how strong Mitsurugi’s hands were, his broad shoulders and…goddammit why did the guy have to be so damn handsome!? Kazuma should have been the good looking hero, not this prick!”

“What happened between us…I know our love is forbidden, but,” Misturugi licked his lips. Then kissed Kazuma.

“Mmmmmmph!” Kazuma gasped, trying to push the other man away. It was over in an instant, with Mitsurgui turning away, tears in his eyes.

“One day, we shall live in a world where the love of two men can bloom on the battlefield!” then he swept away, with the two gum flavors crying out “SIR MITSURUGI!” and racing after him.

“But…but it’s totally fine for two men to be lovers,” Darkness said, sounding completely baffled. Then she eyed Kazuma. “If you really must have a man, please have better taste than him.”

“No. Absolutely not,” Kazuma crossed his arms in an X, then spat to the side a few times. “I need some mouthwash. Trust me, I am not on his route, at all, and I consider that to be the bad ending.”

“That’s good, because I was considering just how much murder I would need to commit tonight,” Chris said, coming over and giving Kazuma a wink. She put her arms around both his and Megumin’s shoulders and grinned up at Darkness. “So, when do we get our reward?”

Blushing and smiling, Darkness looked away. “Well, I, um, I think, perhaps, tonight, we might…”

Before Kazuma could finally be secure in the knowledge that he wasn’t doomed to being a virgin NEET forever, there was a commotion near the entrance to the hanger, and a moment later Duke Ignis hobbled in, a wide grin on his face.

“MY DARLING TINA,  YOU DID IT”! The Duke cried, then hurried forward as quickly as he could and nearly tackled Darkness in a hug.

Darkness returned the hug, so hard that Kazuma thought she was going to break her father’s ribs. But she looked happy, smiling broadly and resting her head on his shoulder. “Yes, father. We did it.” She turned to face her three friends, and gestured to them, one arm still around her father. “And it was thanks to Kazuma, Megumin, and Chris.”

“And Sir Mitsurugi,” Duke Ignis said, stroking his beard with one hand. “I heard some interesting things. Kazuma, I was rather hoping for grandchildren, but if you’re playing for the other team so to speak-”

“NO! I like boobs!” Kazuma said, then went beet red. He also immediately felt two fists in his side, from a glaring Megumin and Chris both.

“...small boobs too,” Kazuma wheezed, which earned him a double sniff and Megumin and Chris lowering their hands from a second strike.

Duke Ignis, however, was oblivious, and was smiling and nodding. “Excellent, excellent! Well, we can announce all that at the party tonight!”

“Um, father, I don’t know that we need a big party, perhaps just a small family dinner?” Darkness asked, looking rather pensive.

“Nonsense! You have saved the city! It will be feasting and drinking all night long, and I shall share with the world that soon I shall have plenty of adorable grandkids! Should I send for the doctors to ensure you can get started with your two brides as well?” Ignis asked.

“Wait, I never said-!” Megumin began, but Chris poked her in the ribs.

“Unlimited weapons funding,” Chris murmured, and Megumin let out a happy gasp, and shut her mouth for once.

“Disgusting,” Chomusuke muttered.

Ignis blinked, then frowned. “Did that cat just talk?”

“Meow?” Chomusuke offered.

“She’s a Crimson Pirate Cat. You’re hearing things,” Megumin huffed. Then she grabbed Darkness by the ear and yanked her down to Megumin’s level. “What is this about doctors and marriage?!”

“Um, well, er, you see…Oh would you look at the time!” Darkness said, wincing and trying to pull away from Megumin, who hung gamely on. “If there is to be a party, we must get ready! And dresses! You do not have proper dresses for such an event! W-we have so little time, we shall have to call the tailors at once!”

“Hmph. You will not get away with this so easily,” Megumin muttered, but let go of the ear. “I would like an appropriate dress to celebrate my victory. One befitting the foremost genius of the Crimson Pirate Clan, and vanquisher of Wolbach the Dreaded!”

“I thought you wanted a statue,” Kazuma said, rolling his eyes. A party? That sounded awful. He hated having to socialize.

“Obviously, I need the dress for the statue, so that the artist can capture me in my full glory!”

“And something dashing for Kazuma, I think,” Chris mused. She snapped her fingers towards Ignis’ lackeys. “Servants! Take him, bath him, and dress him! Then bring him to Lady Lalatina’s chambers!”

“What?!” Kazuma squawked, even as several snooty looking servants in uniform stepped forward. “I didn’t agree to this!”

“K-Kazuma! Do not embarrass me in this! That is not the sort of shame I enjoy!” Darkness said, scowling at him and looking flustered.

“Oh shut up, yes you do,” Kazuma grumbled.

“Kazuma…while, um, I do enjoy certain kinds of shame…when it comes to my official duties…I do need a presentable partner. You…you can be that, can’t you?” Darkness asked quietly.

Kazuma looked up at Darkness, and her big, puppy dog eyes. Then he looked down at her two puppies. Eyes on the prize. He nodded. “Yeah, sure, fine. Come, Sebastian, I guess you can dress me or whatever.”

“Actually, my name is-”

“Don’t care,” Kazuma grumbled.

The servant's mouth thinned into a line, and Kazuma's fate was decided. He spent the next few hours far less comfortable than he should have been, because it never hurts to be nice to people, but it often hurts to be rude. Not that he’d ever learn that particular lesson.

They didn’t have time to make him a full new suit, but they did have enough time for a quick machine adjustment to an existing one.

“A young boy’s suit, sir. Should fit you well enough,” Not-Sebastian told Kazuma, handing him the garments.

“I am a full grown man, thank you very much!” Kazuma snapped, snatching the clothes.

“Yes sir, fully grown at 163 centimeters,” Not-Sebastian said dryly.

Kazuma glared up at the man. He was at least 170cm, and was far from the tallest servant around. Damn giants. Well, he was shorter than Darkness.

“Will sir need some help with his bowtie?” Not-Sebastian said silkily.

“No!” Kazuma grumped, and went into the changing room.

After 10 minutes of not being able to tie the bowtie, Kazuma snuck out of the room and sprinted away, refusing to admit that he hadn’t the slightest idea on how to tie a bowtie. Why couldn’t he just have one of those clip on things?!

While looking behind him to make sure Sebastian wasn’t in hot pursuit, Kazuma slammed into a brick wall that, for some reason, was equipped with air bags.

“Oh! Kazuma, there you are! Are you alright?”

He blinked to see a worried looking Darkness hovering over him. She had her hair done up in a rather fancy braid atop her head, actual lipstick on, a pair of heels that showed off her legs, and a dazzling yellow evening gown with a wonderfully low neckline and an open back. He took her proffered hand, and she easily pulled him up to his feet. To his surprise, she’d had time to have her nails done, though they were still rather short even with the nail polish on.

“Oh, don’t you know how to tie this? Never mind, here, let me do it,” Darkness said, and took the loose bowtie from around Kazuma’s neck and quickly and smoothly tied it.

“Huh, didn’t think you’d know how to do that,” Kazuma muttered, blushing and feeling slightly embarrassed.

“It’s a part of etiquette training. Not my favorite, but well, if one can field strip, clean, and reassemble a rifle, a bow tie is simple enough,” she told him. She brushed some lint Kazuma couldn’t see off his suit, then straightened it and smiled at him. “You look very nice.”

“Thanks you look like sex on legs,” Kazuma said, then clacked his mouth shut. That probably wasn’t the sort of thing you were supposed to say to a fancy lady. Well, she could just get over it.

Darkness blushed, then laughed and extended her arm to Kazuma. “Come, the party’s already getting underway. People are ecstatic to finally have a real victory to celebrate.”

“And we’re the heroes of the hour,” Kazuma said, trying to puff out his chest and ignore the fact that Darkness was a good 25 centimeters taller than he was. It was the heels, he told himself.

Despite the fact that a major battle had been fought mere hours ago, the grounds of the castle had been largely transformed from refugee camp and hospital to gigantic party bash for the common folk, complete with large tables of food, live music from several bands, and even lights strung up. There was of course, freely flowing alcohol, and people were pouring in from the city and out into the streets to celebrate the end of the siege.

There was plenty of dancing, from what looked like traditional folk dances with simple instruments, to mad mosh pits and raves with glowsticks, to more modern looking and far louder affairs.  But no one seemed to care about the competition, and plenty of people went from one kind of raucous celebration to another freely. There were even a couple of dancing mecha, with people cheering as the giant robots stomped along to the music, causing minor earthquakes.

As for the castle itself, the more refined members of the upper class were out in all their finery. Kazuma mentally pondered why men were wearing the same black, dark blue, and gray suits that he would have seen back on Earth, but he wasn’t going to argue with the sexy evening gowns the ladies wore. There were a few differences in cut, material, and ornamentation, but the basics looked like western style formal wear that Japan had mostly adopted outside of traditional festivals.

The decorations also didn’t look like a rush job, though he assumed they probably were, with banners, bright lighting, and a far more formal full orchestra providing the music, and dancers going through the sort of fancy steps you’d expect from the nobility. The food was fancier and the serving trays much more expensive, with servants hurrying through the crowd to provide hors d'oeuvres and drinks to the guests.

Kazuma and Darkness were met just before the entrance to the main chamber by Megumin and Chris, both of whom had also changed for the party. Megumin was wearing a red dress with a great many pleats that had a rose motif, along with a red rose nestled in her hair, and long black gloves that came up past her elbows. Her eyelashes had been done to make them longer and more curved, while some tasteful lipstick, eyeshadow and blush made her look like an adult instead of her usual gremlin self.

For her part, Chris was wearing a shimmering silver gown, with the right side trailing down to the floor and the left pinned up at her hip. She had a pale pink nightflower corsage on her wrist, and sparkling silver earrings set with emeralds. Her bust seemed to have been somewhat enhanced, though it could have just been the dress accentuating her curves instead of the normally bulky clothes she wore. Her hair was done up in a net of pearls, and looked slightly longer than it usually did.

Both of the girls smiled nervously, which surprised Kazuma. Chris was actually blushing shyly, while Megumin’s huff and sudden indifference as she turned away was so studied that she was practically screaming “NOTICE ME SENPAI.”

Kazuma cleared his throat, and adjusted his bowtie that was already perfectly straight. “Damn, did both your boobs get bigger?”

Chris went pale, then blushed and started giggling uncontrollably, while Megumin looked mortified, her hands flying to her own bust, before she glared over at Darkness, who had both hands over her mouth.

“I don’t know, did you become a bigger dick!?” Megumin snarled, trying to cover her own embarrassment.

“Yes, actually. You wanna see it again?” Kazuma said, smirking right back. Then, he actually managed to avoid sticking both feet in his mouth for once by adding, “You do look incredible though, Megumin. Like a real lady.”

Megumin dissolved into sputtering, apparently not sure how to take a compliment. Chris shoved Kazuma forward, and he stepped into Megumin’s arms. She looked up at him, wild eyed for a moment, and he realized she was the only one of the girls who was actually shorter than he was.

Then, to his surprise, she grabbed him by the collar, lifted herself up, and kissed him. She was both timid and passionate, with the kiss starting off rather mild before Kazuma pulled her a little closer and pressed his lips against hers a little harder, but she melted into him, and seemed to rather enjoy it. Out of the corner of his eye, Kazuma saw Chris kissing Darkness rather passionately, which was both a bit surprising and rather arousing. Then he closed his eyes and just focused on Megumin for a moment.

After they broke apart, Megumin’s lipstick was a bit smudged, and Kazuma had to wipe some of it off his own mouth. It tasted faintly of strawberries, which was a bit weird, but nice.

“There, so now you know I’m a real woman, just as much as anyone else,” Megumin huffed, folding her arms.

“Never doubted it. Even if you are a gun obsessed maniac,” Kazuma told her.

Megumin smiled faintly, before sticking her nose in the air. “I like only one weapon, and it is a cannon, not a mere gun. I have no interest in small, pathetic firepower.”

“Well, it’s a good thing I got that upgrade then, huh?”

“You! Hmph. Well, see to it that you perform adequately when we fuse next! And remember, even if I am not equipped with overly large fat bags, I still possess the most firepower!” Megumin sniffed, though she looked rather frazzled and excited.

“Well, are you two ready?” Chris asked, and Darkness linked arms with Kazuma.

“Do we have to go to the swanky party?I saw the fest outside and that looks way more appealing,” Kazuma sighed, looking meaningfully to where the sounds of refined music drifted, then nodding to the window where flashing lights and muffled cheers could be detected.

“We shall of course mingle with the commoners as well, once my duties are attended to,” Darkness said. Then she winced. “This is, ah, well…it’s my life. If we are to be together…duties such as this…they are a part of that. I do not enjoy the pomp specifically, but…”

“I’m used to it myself,” Chris said with a sigh. “Was sort of hoping to avoid that in this life, but…well. I got all gussied up, be a shame to waste it, you know?”

“I guess I can eat the fancy food and drink the fancy booze. I’ll even behave,” Kazuma promised. Darkness gave him an incredulous look. “Mostly.”

“As a Crimson Pirate, it is my duty to show these nobles the real way to party! Though I would not object to the more interesting one later,” Megumin sniffed.

As they made their way out into the hall, they came to a flight of stairs with a red carpet on it down to the main hall. As they did so, a servant with an especially fancy uniform and a sash across his chest held out a long sheet of real parchment, and cried out, “Presenting Lady Lalatina Dustiness and her intended consorts! Sir Kazuma Sato, Madame Chris Fortuna, and the Midshipman Megumin of the Crimson Pirate Clan.”

“Wait, WHAT?!” Kazuma and Megumin said at the same time.

“But it’s my harem!” Kazuma protested.

“I didn’t agree to anything!” Megumin sputtered.

“It’s cute you both think that,” Chris told them, patting them on the arm. “Now smile for the audience!”

Below them, the nobles were all clapping and cheering, raising crystal glasses to them in a toast.

“Um, we do have to mingle. And er, for political reasons…you would technically be my consorts,” Darkness admitted. “My family er…has a reputation.”

“More like you do,” Kazuma said with a snort, which made Darkness moan and blush slightly. “Fine, we’ll mingle.”

When they reached the bottom of the stairs, they found Aqua waiting for them. Based on the flush on her face and the half empty bottle of champagne she had cradled in her arms, she’d been doing some serious partying. Her hair was done up in her usual style, though she had on a necklace of pearls and a blue dress rather reminiscent of a toga, with earrings shaped like  seven spoked wheels made out of what looked like sea glass. Kazuma supposed she didn’t look half bad, except for the fact she was plastered.

“Hey guys, glad you finally showed up! I finished healing everyone, so now it’s time to party! You can’t say that the Axis Cult doesn’t know how to have a good time.”

“You can, because it doesn’t EXIST anymore,” Chris hissed, coming over and yanking the bottle away from Aqua. Aqua looked miffed, until Chris took a long slug herself. “But let’s party, sister! Come on, there’s a lot of flash on display here, and this dress has pockets!”

“It does?” Kazuma asked, looking baffled.

Chris winked at him. “It’s bigger on the inside.” With that, she and Aqua moved away, and Kazuma found himself pressed by nobles trying to congratulate him on all sides. He puffed himself up, and for a few minutes, was happy to gladhand and brag about his achievements.

“Well, you see, it’s a custom made mecha just for my outfit by our engineer, Aqua. Normally I only fuse with girls, but the tactical situation called for a different approach.”

“Yes, yes, I’ve fought in many battles, I knew just what to do to out think Wolbach.”

“It was clear talent as a warrior that let me outfight the foe. Megumin? Well, yes, I did make an opening. She’s a bit hard to control, but if you point her in the right direction she’s rather handy.”

From not too far away, Kazuma could hear Megumin loudly recounting her own version of events, to an enthralled audience, which seemed to compel her to grander and more ludicrous heights. There hadn’t even BEEN an epic sword duel the entire battle, especially not between her and Wolbach.

The fawning of the nobles, however, started to get old, and Kazuma was starting to get irritated with how it seemed like they were always trying to turn the conversation back to themselves when it should have been about him, or try to find ways to get him or better yet, Darkness to do favors for them.

He was just about to tell them off, when Darkness swooped in out of nowhere, taking his arm in hers.

“Sorry, Lord Snivellus, but my future consort and I must attend to our duties elsewhere. Pardon, if you would,” Darkness said, flashing a dazzling smile, then leading Kazuma away to one of the buffet tables, loaded down with roasted pork, fine cuts of steak, and large toads legs in wine sauce.

“Thanks, that was getting boring,” Kazuma told her, helping himself to what he figured was an impolite amount of food, heaping his small plate high.

“You looked like you could use it, and their conversation is not the sort of awkwardness I enjoy,” Darkness told him, taking an entire tray of sandwiches, then piling on several huge servings of meat. Kazuma blinked. Was it even possible for a person to eat that much food? Then Darkness ate an entire leg of frog in only a couple of huge bites, and he decided that she probably could pack it away.

“Are you a nervous eater or something?” Kazuma asked her. “Not that I mind. It seems like all the fat goes to your breasts.”

“K-Kazuma! Not where others can hear you!” Darkness scolded, though she did look down at her plate and blush slightly. “I, ah, I have learned that if I am eating, others do not expect you to talk. I shall simply train extra hard tomorrow, and do another 100 sit ups.”

“That’s why you could grind meat on your abs,” Kazuma mused, earning him a glare from Darkness. “What? You rock them pretty hard. They’re sexy.”

“You’re incorrigible,” Darkness said with a snort, polishing off six finger sandwiches. Then she blushed and lowered her voice. “I have…not forgotten my promise. About tonight.”

That made Kazuma perk up. “Hey, maybe we should skip the after party then. Go to bed early.”

“We can't, I'm afraid, we’ll be lucky to be in bed before dawn,” Darkness sighed. “And we really will have to make an appearance outside.”

“Doh-ho-ho! So thou shalt consent to consort with the common folk, then?”

A strangely familiar looking man with an odd mask with the roman numeral “I” on it stepped forward, in a rather more archaic suit than the rest of the nobility.

Darkness gave him a sour look, and took a meaningful bite of roast beef, shoving so much into her mouth that it couldn’t have been good manners, but did do a good job of making it hard to talk.

“Buzz off, pal. We’re eating. You can ask us for a favor and make yourself rich later,” Kazuma said in his most irritating tone.

The gentleman was undeterred though, wagging a white gloved finger at Kazuma. “Tsk tsk. That is no way to treat a guest, young man. Moi wonders if this is the sort of hospitality one can expect of young people these days.”

Kazuma gave a mocking bow, then said. “No, we can be polite. So I am politely telling you to go away so we can eat.”

Darkness swallowed, gave Kazuma a pained look, then added, “I am afraid my consort is being rude, but we would like a few private moments. If we could speak later, Mister…? I am afraid I do not recognize you.”

“Mwahahaha! Ah, to be unrecognized, what a slander, what a mishap!” the man clutched his forehead, throwing his head back as he laughed. “Do not fear, thou shalt recognize me soon. Moi shall give you time to stew in your own juices, as it were, but fear not! Though this is a banquet of hope, moi knows that despair is ever around the corner!”

And then the man strode away, vanishing into the crowd.

“What a weirdo,” Kazuma said.

“Yes,” Darkness agreed, then sighed as more sycophants circled in, emboldened by the strange gentleman’s boldness. “Well, I suppose our respite is over…”

Kazuma looked around, then had an idea. He grabbed Darkness’ arm, then dragged her towards the dance floor. “Hey, how about a dance or two? That’s the sort of thing I’m supposed to do, right?”

Darkness brightened at that, shoving her half finished tray into the hands of a servant, hastily wiping her mouth on a napkin another gave her, then followed Kazuma out to the dance floor.

Once they were there, however, Kazuma realized he had no idea how to dance, much less to do the complicated ones the nobles were moving through. Darkness seemed to sense his sudden confusion, and whispered, “It’s alright, just follow me. This dance is a waltz, it’s not so hard.”

Darkness was unfortunately rather clumsy, and both of them ended up treading on each other’s feet quite frequently. Though by Darkness’s flushed face, she was letting him step on her on purpose.

Still, to Kazuma’s surprise, even with both of them making a mess of it, dancing was actually pretty fun. It felt nice to have a girl in his arms and to make his way through the complicated steps he was quickly learning.

After two dances, Kazuma saw the masked gentleman step up to the stage, where he plucked a fiddle from the hands of one of the musicians as the latest song was ending. He then began to saw out a much livelier tune, which to Kazuma’s surprise, the band began to join in with.

“That’s odd, I’ve not heard this one before,” Darkness said, frowning.

“I have, but I can’t really remember where,” Kazuma said, the image of a golden fiddle flitting through his mind for a moment.

“Ehem. Do you seek to monopolize Kazuma all night?”

Kazuma turned to see Megumin glaring out at him and Darkness, her hands on her hips.

“Oh! Um, well…we should dance first,” Darkness said, letting go of Kazuma’s hands and taking Megumin’s. She only had a moment for her eyes to go wide, before Darkness whirled her out onto the dance floor.

Kazuma watched the two girls go, and was not surprised to see Megumin take the man’s role despite her much smaller stature. He hummed along with the half familiar song, tapping his foot.

“Devil’s in the house of the rising sun?” he muttered to himself. No, that wasn’t the name of the song.

It was just coming to an end, when Chris and Aqua burst out onto the dance floor. To Kazuma’s shock, Chris drew a gun from her rather modest bust. Everyone started to scream, save for the band, which played feverishly on. Right up to the point where Chris pointed the pistol right at the masked gentlemen’s head, and drilled a hole right through his forehead, fury etched one her face as the crowd screamed.

“Give me that!” Aqua snarled, reaching for the gun. “I want to shoot him too!”

Instead, Kazuma rushed over and snatched the pistol, even as the nobles wailed and guards tried to push their way forward through the fleeing throng. “What the hell are you doing!? How could you just shoot a guy like that!?”

“Pretty easily. Get out of the way, he’s not dead yet!” Chris snapped.

“What?! You hit him in the forehead, how could he-”

“Mwahahahaha! Though thy aim is true, thy efficacy is as weak as ever, O foolish goddess of ill luck!”

Shocked, Kazuma turned around to see the man grinning at them. As he watched, the hole in his mask slowly closed, leaving it completely unmarred.

BANG-BANG-BANG!

Three shots rang out in rapid succession. Another through the forehead, one through the heart, and another in a place that made ever watching man wince and cross his legs.

This time, the masked man was totally unfazed He made an exaggerated yawning motion, then flicked the torn fabric of his tuxedo where the bullet had hit where his heart should have been. “Pshaw. As if such a piddly weapon could harm moi. Try again, O luckless fool.”

“THAT’S IT!” Chris snarled, and she suddenly grew in stature, just as she had the night before with Kazuma, her hair lengthening, her bust increasing, and her skin glowing. Two knives appeared in her hands, and she leapt forward, snarling. Aqua was only half a step behind her, though despite the sudden blue glow of power around her, she didn’t look any different otherwise.

“Ho ho, and thou wouldst attack me, when moi is thy guest? For such a violation, there would be..consequences,” the man purred, pointing with the bow of his violin.

“Hehehehehehe!”

A mad giggling filled the air, and Kazuma cried out in panic as the tiles beneath his feet cracked, and dirt streamed out, grabbing Kazuma by the ankles as it took on the shape of a small masked doll. To his horror, more dolls popped out, grabbing Megumin and Darkness.

“What trickery is this!?” Darkness cried, ripping a doll off of Megumin and trying to fling it away. To Kazuma’s horror, it blew up in her face. Megumin was knocked down, gasping and bloodied, while Darkness appeared to merely have had her clothes torn.

The display, however, made Chris and Aqua halt their charge, only a meter away from the stage.

“You monster. I’ll DESTROY you,” Chris hissed, falling into a fighting stance with her daggers readied.

“If thou can. But this is but a projection,” the man sneered.

“Vanir!” Kazuma cried, suddenly recognizing the man. “You were playing The Devil Went Down to Georgia!”

“Mwahahahaha! Someone recognizes moi’s music!” he bowed, grinning wickedly. “Yes, indeed. It is none other than I! Vanir, head of the Devil King’s Elite Forces!”

“What do you want, fiend?” Darkness demanded, crouching to check on Megumin even as more dolls formed out of the dirt seeping out of the floor to latch onto them.

“Moi? Why, to sip the hope turned to exquisite disappointment! And shame! Ah, thou art truly shamed, to have a foe endanger her people so! Yes, the most tasteful of emotions! Moi knew that thou wouldst not give in to trite despair, but the shame! Thy clothes are torn, and nakedness on display for all to see! Ah, bliss.”

Darkness shuddered, but refused to try to cover herself, instead ripping her already torn dress to tie a bandage around Megumin’s forehead.

“Why are you even here? Your kind were wiped out long ago,” Chris snarled.

“Yeah! Quit being a jerk! This is a party for people to have fun with!” Aqua demanded.

“Moi could say the same of their own race, O lost godlings. But, moi came merely to play a jaunty tune. And to warn this company!” Vanir pulled himself up straight, his voice booming out. “Hear me, O people of Axel! Thy victory is but a hollow one! Wolbach has fallen, yes, but thou hast earned but a brief respite! Even now, thy doom is at hand, for what shall this dry and dusty world do when food and water are gone? Eat, drink, and be merry for now, but look not to peace, for war continues.”

The silence was oppressive, with the nobles looking on with a mixture of fear, anger, and in some cases, thoughtful consideration.

“And with that, I must bid you all adieu. Bonsoir!”

Vanir bowed, and his form went all to dust. His mask clattered to the ground, even as the dolls holding Kazuma fell back to clumps of inert earth. An instant later Chris struck, slamming her daggers into the mask and shattering it. It too crumbled to dust, and blew away.

There was silence for a long moment, during which Darkness helped the groggy Megumin back to her feet, a bloody bandage wrapped around her forehead. She seemed alright, but Aqua hurried over and began tending to her.

Darkness looked around, and her lips thinned. Then she got up onto the stage, picked up the fallen violin, and looked around at the guests. “Well? Will we allow that demon to tell us what to do?”

There were uncertain mutters, but Kazuma knew what to say. “No! Screw that asshole!”

Darkness put the fiddle to her shoulder, and drew the bow across its strings. “Then in defiance, we party on!”

The crowd gave a rough cheer, and servants hastened forward to clean up the mess as the band began to play again.

Kazuma looked at Darkness, but she had her eyes closed, sweat beading on her forehead as she played on. He moved up to Chris, who was back to her normal form, though she still had her daggers in her hands.

“What was that?” He asked quietly.

“Nothing good. Damn filthy demons.” Chris spat to the side, looking outraged. She spun her daggers through her hands once, and they vanished again. She turned to Kazuma and smiled. “Well, screw him. Darkness is right. Party on! Shall we dance?”

“Uh, sure?” Kazuma managed.

Chris laughed, and they made their way out onto the dance floor. Chris was far more nimble than Darkness, and a much better dancer. Kazuma sort of knew the steps by now, and they managed not to do too badly. Soon, others joined them, and the party continued on.

But Kazuma couldn’t shake the feeling that things were about to get much worse.

Update on chapter progress and my health for June

I've avoided writing this because it's uncomfortable to talk about, but let's start with the good news:

I went to a long COVID clinic at the big state hospital on Oahu, and met with specialists in the disease. They talked with me about my symptoms and presentation, conducted a lot of tests, and gave me several new medications. The outlook is good.

However, that's long term. Short term, I continue to suffer a number of pretty serious symptoms that make it hard to do much of anything, including write. And in the next few weeks, I don't know how much better I will get.

That said, I'm working hard on writing still. There isn't as much I can do as I used to, but I'm trying. From last month, I still owe 5k words of Legend of Galactic Zeroes, 7k words of Thirteenth Fang (or however Stormed goes with that), 5k on Konowars, and an update to Megumin Potter, and of course a patreon poll for that month that didn't happen as I knew I was already behind, as well as a chapter of A Cat Is Fine Too from the month before.

I'm going to continue to try to catch up, as I am doing better now than I was at the start of May. I do want to continue to write, and I'm working on a new chapter now. I'll keep doing that, and hopefully I'll catch up this month. There is no school for two months, so that will at least give me some time to heal.

TL;DR: Still sick and working on catching up. When that will change, I don't know, but I'll try to write as much as I can. I'll run polls for patreon stuff when I can. 

The Melancholy of Kazuma Sato, Chapter 51

Practically vibrating with excitement, Haruhi peered through the foliage to the camp beyond. The campsite itself was shoddy, with rotting leather tents, patched blankets, rusted cookware and weapons, and crude wooden stakes circling it in a low palisade, with the skulls of animals, monsters, and even humans adorning various tatty banners or totems. The occupants of the campsite were little green humanoids dressed in cast off rags and patched, stained clothes that didn’t seem to fit them well. They sat on logs or rocks, squabbling with their neighbors and eating hunks of half cooked meat or doing various chores.

Before anyone had said anything, she knew what they were: Goblins.

“Yeah, it’s a trap,” Kazuma sighed, causing Haruhi to turn to glare at him.

“You’re just saying that because you want to ruin my fun! Come on, it’s an adventure. We’re low level adventurers! We’re supposed to run into goblins to level grind before we get to the last boss!”

“Fool, you are near the Crimson Demon Village! There are no low level monsters here! This is the most treacherous and deadly of all locals, filled with such terrors as One Punch Bears and White Fangs, monsters that low level adventurers live in terror of!” Megumin declared, keeping her voice low and somehow still sounding like she was shouting at a low volume. “Clearly, these are no simple goblins.”

“But they’re right there! Obviously they are. Maybe my super cool powers warped reality or something so that exactly what I wanted and needed would appear,” Haruhi said, sticking out her lip a little and pouting.

“Don’t be ridiculous. When would something like that happen!?” Kazuma demanded.

Kyon snorted behind them. “More often than you’d think.”

“Yeah, well, that’s not what’s happening. You see that cave back there?” Kazuma pointed to a small hole in a low rise behind the camp, which had several goblin totems near it. “There’s at least two Beginner’s Banes inside of it. And probably another one roaming around somewhere near here. Those are the sort of monsters you DO find near the Crimson Demon Village. The kind that eat rookies for breakfast.”

“Yes; it is summer so they tend to come north at this time of year, it’s when you find the easy monsters like Beginner’s Banes and Goblins near my ancestral home,” Megumin agreed.

“So what!? You’ve killed the Devil King and I’m some sort of super awesome class, and so is Yuki! We can take them!” Haruhi pleaded, resting her hand on the hilt of her katana.

“I mean, she does need to level grind a little, Kazuma. She’s still only level 2, and that’s only because there were a lot of grapes,” Aqua pointed out.

Haruhi licked her lips and grinned. “Too bad we couldn’t turn them into wine, huh? Is that a goddess trick I can learn?”

“No. That stupid jerk Josh copyrighted that spell and he’s too popular on too many worlds for anyone else to use it,” Aqua grumbled.

“It’s water into wine anyway,” Kazuma and Kyon said in stereo.

“Hey! Back off! The only one allowed to correct Aqua is me,” Kazuma said, glaring at Kyon.

He shrugged. “Good grief, I just like to razz Haruhi. It’s all this puny mortal can do.”

“Warning: Enemy approaching,” Yuki said, drawing her sword and axe. “Action required.”

“Oh shit, did the goblins notice us?!” Kazuma said, looking around in a panic, but the campsite was still placid.

There was rumbling growl that Haruhi felt in her teeth, and a black shadow the size of a sedan came hurtling out of a tree. She didn’t even have time to draw her katana, but Kazuma had already sprang into action.

“BIND!” Steel cables came whipping out of Kazuma’s sleeves, wrapping themselves around the enormous black saber-toothed cat that then proceeded to fall on Haruhi. The sheer mass of the thing knocked her to the ground and forced the breath out of her, and for a moment she felt sheer panic, manifesting itself in the form of a wet trickle down her leg. She felt the cat’s breath on her, and though its mouth was tied shut, she saw murder in the glowing yellow eyes, and wondered for a moment if she really could die.

Then Yuki was there, ramming her sword into the cat and forcing it off Haruhi. The thing died in a shower of gore, and Haruhi staggered to her feet as cries came from the goblin camp.

“It seems I must save us once more!” Megumin said, lowering her staff and pointing it at the camp. “Darkness beyond twilight-”

“Not now! Too close, and people will know we’re here for miles around!” Kazuma said, slapping the staff down. “Save it for an actual boss, not some elite mooks!”

Megumin looked slightly offended, but smiled smugly. “So, you think my powers are too great for these mere creatures? Very well, I-”

“RAAAAA!” A goblin burst out of the trees, rusty sword in hand. Then it caught sight of Megumin, and its eyes bugged out of the monsters’ head. Haruhi felt a twinge of sympathy when a wet stain appeared on the thing's breeches. “CRIMSON DEMON! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!”

Before it could escape though, Haruhi lunged forward, her Katana leaving her scabbard in a flash, and lopped its head off. She flicked the blood off the blade, and glanced to where the goblins were pausing in their rush, looking panicked. Something triggered in her mind.

“Slay the demons.”

“Defeat the Devil King!” Aqua roared, and charged, raising her glowing staff on high.

Once more, Haruhi felt the rush of power and exhilaration of combat. The goblins tried to resist her, but her sword flowed like an extension of her body, despite her having quit kendo practice when she’d been in grade school. She cut down the monsters, then struck down their totems to their inferior gods, the idols using the bones of her people. It felt right. It felt good. It felt like exactly what she had been made for.

A snarl came from the cave, and Haruhi spun about as Aqua cried out in panic. There were two more of the Beginner’s Banes stalking forward, their eyes glowing with a baleful light. Haruhi could smell the death on their breath and see the bones in their lair. She knew what she had to do, with her sword in hand, she leapt forward and-

She barely saw the giant paw that swiped at her, but somehow, she managed to dodge it, rolling under it and coming up slashing. The Beginner’s bane yowled in pain as her blade bit deeply, but it got lodged in the bone, leaving Haruhi flat footed and looking at the beast that was already enraged.

“Oh no.”

Before the thing had a chance to attack her, there was a crackle of power behind her. “GOD BLOW!”

A blue blur raced past Haruhi, burying a fist in the muzzle of the Beginner’s Bane. Fragments of teeth and blood went everywhere, and the big cat dropped bonelessly to the ground. Aqua stood there, panting for a moment, her hair in frazzled disarray around her head. Then she held up her hand, which was red and rapidly swelling. “Owowowowow! I-I think I broke it!”

Haruhi blinked, then suddenly gasped and raised her sword. “Look out!”

Two goblins snarled and leapt up at Aqua, only for two arrows to flash out of nowhere and take them both in the eye.

“Figures. You can take out the boss, but the trash mobs can still bully you,” Kazuma commented, appearing out of thin air beside them. “Let me see your hand.”

“I-It hurts. Things didn’t used to do that…” Aqua sniveled, gingerly giving Kazuma her hand.

“Yeah, well, you’re not really a goddess anymore, right?” Kazuma asked. He waved his hand over hers, muttering, “Lesser Heal.”

There was an audible crackling sound, and the hand re-knit itself. Aqua let out a whimper of pain, and to Haruhi’s surprise Kazuma gave her a hug. “Hey, it’s OK. Just a little pain.”

“Yeah, but I don’t like it. I didn’t have to do this before,” Aqua said into his chest.

Making a face, Haruhi looked around. Apparently, she needn’t have bothered.

“MWAHAHAHAHA! WITNESS NOW THE FOREMOST STAFF DUELIST OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN!” Megumin cackled, standing atop a pile of goblin forces. By the looks of things, they’d rushed her when they’d realized that she wasn’t casting any spells. This was a mistake, as Megumin had bragged she was the highest level human alive, and several goblins had literally lost their heads when she’d whacked them with her staff.

As for the third Beginner’s Bane, Haruhi expected to see Yuki had chopped it small pieces, but by the number of dismembered goblins that wasn’t the case. Instead, it lay on the ground with a hunk of melting ice coming out of its mouth, nose, and eyes, as well as cords of cable wrapped around its legs. Apparently, Kazuma was capable of taking one of those on by himself. Just why were they so dangerous again?

“Hey. You might need these.”

Haruhi blinked, then turned around to find Kyon proffering a bit of cloth to her.

“Oh, thanks, I guess I did get a bit messy,” Haruhi said, and started to reach for it. Then she got the cloth in her hands, and realized what they were, and her face went beet red. “KYON! WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE THESE?!”

“Because I figured you probably didn’t pack extra, so I did,” he said, his tone becoming stubborn. “And you need them, don’t you?”

“No! Yes. ARGH!” Snatching the underwear, Haruhi stomped off to find somewhere private, her face a furious red. She was more than a little embarrassed she’d peed her pants, but even more so that Kyon had a pair of her panties. Worse still, she was pretty sure she hadn’t packed a spare pair. Who thought about how many pairs of underwear you would need on an adventure?!

After sorting herself out, Haruhi returned to find the others waiting for her. Kazuma nodded to the others, who had out their Adventurer’s Cards. “Right. We need to talk build strategy. Unlike some people, you shouldn’t just put all your points into a Meme Build.”

“I do not have a Meme Build!” Megumin snapped, then hesitated. “What’s a Meme Build?”

“Too late, I already put my points into the most important skill,” Haruhi said, holding up her card. “I’ve played RPGs before! I know what stat the main character has to raise!”

Kazuma looked at the card, then clutched at his head. “Persuasion, Intimidate, and Seduction!? What kind of build are you going for!?”

“Duh, the best builds are the ones that let you choose all the cool dialogue options! Besides, my stats are already maxed out and I have the important skills covered already, so I need the ones that let you max out your quest rewards and recruit new companions!”

Kazuma shook his head in disgust. “That’s stupid! You’re a swordmaster, so you should-”

“Actually, as a goddess, taking skills that let you recruit more followers is probably the best idea, because that’s what gives you more powers and mana,” Aqua pipped up. She looked at Haruhi’s card, then highlighted a couple of skills. “You should take some party tricks! Those are great for impressing people, like with Nature’s Beauty!”

“What?! No, you’re not having Haruhi take a bunch of party tricks!” Kazuma said, trying to snatch away the card.

Haruhi plucked it away herself, sticking her nose in the air. “I’m not going to shill party games like my parents. I’m going to be my own person.”

And she made sure to have her thumb cover up Dramatic Performer on the card. She figured if they ever had another battle of the bands, she’d really blow everyone’s socks off the next time!

They ended up moving a couple of kilometers away from the goblin camp, then setting up a campsite of their own. Haruhi and Yuki found a couple of the infamous One Punch Bears, with Haruhi managing to dispatch one, and Yuki calmly slicing apart the other. Haruhi insisted on returning with bear steaks for dinner, only for Kazuma, Aqua, and Megumin to look at her like she was crazy.

“Have you ever HAD bear meat?!” Kazuma demanded, looking with disgust at the still dripping steaks Haruhi had carved off.

“No, that’s why I want to try it!” Haruhi insisted.

“No thanks, I’ll just have the stew Kazuma is cooking,” Megumin said, making a face. “Komekko likes it, or…liked it…but her food choices are questionable.”

“I think it would be interesting,” Kyon commented, then looked to Yuki and Mikuru. “What about you two?”

“Um…I-I don’t know,” Mikuru said, until Haruhi gave her the very best Puppy Dog Eyes in her arsenal. “We…um…I suppose we can try cooking it..”

Yuki just nodded silently and got out the stew pot from Kyon’s backpack, holding it out to Haruhi, who eagerly put the bear meat in. “Right! Now, we’ve got to add some spices, to make it really good! Hey Kyon, do you have any cayenne peppers in there, or maybe some-”

“Absolutely not,” Kyon said, and gave the pot to Mikuru, bowing slightly. “Please grace us with your culinary greatness, Miss Asahina.”

“Well…um…do we have any vegetables to make a stew?” Mikuru said, peering into the pot and making a somewhat disgusted face at the greasy slab of meat.

“Hey Megumin, are there vegetables around here?” Haruhi asked.

“Of course. But they are the most deadly varieties! Wild garlic that will drain your blood, spring onions that will attack you with debilitating gas, and parsnips that will bite your ankles off!” Megumin declared, standing up. “Come, my minions. Let an experienced Adventurer show you how to harvest the bounty of the forest!”

“These vegetables are so much cooler than the ones back home. Why can’t vegetables in Japan demand you suplex them before you cook them? I’d have actually liked home economics then!” Haruhi said, following Megumin off into the woods.

“Well, the more I hear about Japan the more it sounds dreadfully boring. Kazuma claimed that it is ‘cringe’ in Japan to introduce yourself properly, or to show off dynamic poses. How else are you to intimidate your foes, or look as cool as possible before battle?” Megumin demanded as she led Haruhi to a nearby meadow.

“Ugh, it definitely is. There’s barely any interesting people there! I had to work so hard to find time travelers, espers, aliens, and sliders! But here, you’re a super cool alien race! I mean, who wouldn’t want to meet Crimson Demons? Even the name is awesome!” Haruhi said as they entered the wide field.

There was a pond with a narrow spring on the upslope to the north, while the rest of the meadow had loose, dry soil, with various wildflowers and weeds. She recognized some of them as edible from various survival manuals she’d read when she’d decided that she needed to be prepared for the zombie apocalypse, until she’d later decided that zombie apocalypse were boring and the world needed a more interesting way to end.

“Ha, there is the first of our prey,” Megumin chortled, and lowered herself until she was belly down in the grass. Haruhi aped her, though Megumin’s giant wizard hat did poke up and give their position away.

“So if we try and pick this stuff, it’ll bite, right?” Haruhi asked, keeping her voice low.

Megumin nodded. “Or worse, try to escape. This is wild parsnip. They have sharp fangs, and are quite nimble. As soon as you pluck it, strike it sharply on the ground to stun it, then stab it in the eyes. This will allow us to harvest it for our meal.”

“Right,” Haruhi tensed herself, taking out her knife and gripping it in her teeth. Then she rapidly belly crawled forward to the shoots sticking out of the ground. Seizing the parsnips, Haruhi ripped them out of the ground.

“Par? PAR!” the pale tubers cried, their eyes opening, and mouths revealing needle sharp teeth.

Hastily, Haruhi thwacked them on the ground with all her strength, then used a knife to stab them in the eyes. One managed to bite Haruhi’s ankle, drawing blood, but she shook it off then stomped on it hard with her boots.

“Ha ha! Face my wrath, Umbelliferae!” Megumin cackled, plucking out two parsnips of her own. One bit her finger, causing her to swear, but Megumin steadfastly cracked the vegetables on the ground, knocking them senseless before stabbing them.

“That was fun!” Haruhi laughed. “Oh, I got experience for that! Damn, even some basic foraging here is great!”

“Yes, it is why farmers are always the strongest in their community, for tussling with vegetables and livestock requires a hardy will. I myself once was a farmer, until the siren call of adventure lured me away,” Megumin bragged. She stuffed the parsnips into the pouch at her belt, then pointed. “There, wild garlic! Come, we must hasten before they-”

“GAR! GAR! GAR!”

Little white bulbs with green stalks that looked like hair popped out of the ground and bounced forward, eyes glowing red, vampire-like fangs bared.

“Defend yourself!” Megumin warned, and began to flail about with her staff rather artlessly, though she did smack several garlic bulbs hard enough to send them flying.

Haruhi stabbed with her knife and grabbed another bulb, even as it bit at her. She repeated the process of slamming the vegetables to the ground and stomping and stabbing them into submission. However, after a few successful slayings, the garlic lost heart and tried to flee from the two warrior gardeners.

“OH NO YOU DON’T!” Haruhi declared, and dropped her knife, drawing her sword. “SECRET TECHNIQUE! VEGETABLE STIR FRY!”

None of the garlic escaped Haruhi’s blade, much to her delight, though they did have to wash off the corpses of the garlic in the pond to get the dirt off of them. They didn’t manage to find any wild onions, but Haruhi declared their mission a great success regardless, and Megumin agreed.

“Behold, the mighty slayers return with the bounty of the forest!” Megumin bragged when they came back to camp.

Mikuru had the pot over a fire on a tripod, and was putting in some of the spices Kyon had brought to a boiling broth. They cut up the parsnips and added them according to Mikuru’s directives, along with some potatoes Kyon had brought, along with various other ingredients.

“Huh, that doesn’t smell half bad,” Kazuma observed as the stew came together. He reached out with a spoon, only for Mikuru to swat his knuckles with her ladle.

“No! It’s not ready yet!” Mikuru said, then blushed. “Um, sorry! I-I didn’t mean to hurt you…”

“As the foremost chef of the SOS Brigade, it is your duty to defend your art from vile miscreants that would pilfer your wares,” Haruhi said.

“Of course! One must defend their honor as an artist,” Megumin agreed, nodding solemnly.

Kyon groaned and put his head in his hands. “She’s even talking like one of them now…”

Haruhi put her hands on her hips and glared at Kyon. “Hey! Don’t be racist! You have to learn to appreciate other cultures, Kyon! As they say, when in Rome, do as the Romans do! Well, we’re in the Crimson Demon village, so we shall do as the Crimson Demons do! So behave, Kyon, or my divine wrath will smite thee from on high for not getting into the spirit of things properly!”

“Hmm. I was never the religious sort before, but she’s not bad,” Megumin mused, rubbing her chin. “Maybe if she had a pair of cat ears like the cat-goddess…”

“Cat girls are clearly inferior! It’s the bunny girls who are really sexy!” Haruhi declared, and reached into her backpack. A moment later, she pulled out the bunny ears, bodysuit, and fishnet stockings. “Hmm, I wasn’t going to change until the climactic final battle, but maybe I should make Mikuru wear this until it’s time…”

Absently, Haruhi stuck the bunny ears on her head, which wiggled a bit. They were  enchanted, naturally, so they behaved like real rabbit ears.

“You’re not seriously going to wear that into battle are you!? You’d have to be nuts! That flimsy thing won’t protect you!” Kyon protested.

“Shows what you know, outsider,” Megumin said, a smug grin on her face. “Those items were made by Chekera, foremost Tailor of the Crimson Demon clan!”

“I don’t care if that cosplay was made in the Heian period, how can that protect you in battle?” Kyon said, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

In response, Haruhi leapt up in the air and did a flying kick 10 meters up in the air. Then she zipped around at top speed, the magic of the bunny ears allowing her to move faster than the eye could see. After three laps, she stopped in front of the gobsmacked Kyon, who was standing there, his mouth hanging open, one finger slowly sagging down as his protests died.

“Didn’t you hear? It was made by the foremost tailor of the Crimson Demon Clan! The ears are enchanted to give you super speed, while the tail makes you immune to most status effects. The fishnets give you Evasion, and the body suit deflects all arrows!”

“This world doesn’t make any goddamn sense,” Kyon grumbled.

“I know, but it’s actually pretty fun once you get used to it,” Kazuma told him sympathetically. Then he turned to glare at Haruhi. “But my daughter isn’t going to battle the devil king dressed like that!”

“Shut up, you’re not my real dad!”

They argued back and forth until the stew was done, and Mikuru put a bowl of it in Haruhi’s hands.

“Um, I’m not sure how it turned out, but…please enjoy!” Mikuru said, blushing nervously.

“Anything made by you has to be good, Miss Asahina,” Kyon vowed, then looked down into the stew. Chunks of meat and vegetables floated in the thick grease, which left a sheen atop the food.

Haruhi took a bite, then made a face. It was really greasy. The flavor was pretty gamey too. Not awful, but far from what she’d imagined…

“Hey, this is great! This is some of the most experience rich food I’ve seen! I can’t believe this is just One Punch Bear, not dragon liver or manticor!” Megumin said, and began to eagerly devour her portion.

Haruhi blinked, then took another bite. Yeah, it wasn’t the tastiest thing ever, but…she could feel herself getting stronger! “Ha! I knew that my superior hunting skills would result in an incredible dish!” She dug in, though Aqua and Kazuma were eating some rice and vegetables he’d fried up for them.

“Aren’t you two going to eat this? It’s loaded with experience, and that rice has none!” Haruhi pointed out.

“I’m at the level cap, so I just eat what tastes good,” Aqua said with a shrug.

“I’m maxed out in skills and stats, no point in gaining more,” Kazuma agreed. “That looks nasty.”

Feeling wounded, Haruhi stuck her nose in the air. “You two just don’t appreciate your daughter's great culinary talent.”

“What?! Mikuru cooked that, not you! Oh, give it here,” Kazuma sighed, and took some stew, pouring it over the rice. He took a bite, and forced a smile on his face. “It’s not too bad. Good job you two.”

“Thank you!” Mikuru said, smiling in delight. “I have some ideas to improve the recipe for next time!”

“Oh. Wonderful.” Kazuma made himself eat it, while Aqua tried it herself.

“Not too bad! I think you over seasoned it though. The fresh garlic is good though, it enhances the flavor.”

“Well, at least we’ll level up before we get to the final boss. Even if it is off greasy stew,” Kyon said by way of a backhanded compliment.

Haruhi didn’t care. That night, she lay on her back, looking up at the alien sky, a huge grin on her face.

This was exactly the life she wanted. One with adventure, and new experiences every day. Her friends at her side, and an epic quest before them. She tried not to think about the dangers ahead, and focused on the fun they were having now.

Though she couldn’t help but wonder how things were going back home, or for her wayward cousin.

Konowars, Chapter XXI: Thanks, but No Thanks

Having spent most of his life on a desert planet, Kazuma had grown up with a reverence for water. It was a precious, valuable commodity, something that his family’s entire livelihood was based around. Last he’d checked (which was to say the day he’d left) his Uncle and Aunt had still spent all day every day squeezing every last drop of moisture out of the inhospitable Tatooine atmosphere.

Now, however, Kazuma hated water, and actually sort of wanted to go home so he’d never have to deal with the awful stuff again.

There was so much water in the air that Kazuma felt like he was drowning when he took a breath. His clothes were wet all the time, and he was fairly certain they were starting to rot too. He had mold between his toes, and on other parts of his anatomy he didn’t even realize COULD mold. He woke up wet, and he went to bed wet.

Between this and the snow on Hoth, Kazuma was done with water. He almost missed the sand.

Almost.

“Give up already, you have?”

“As wet as this place is, why do you look like a kowakian that got left out in the sun too long?” Kazuma said, not opening his eyes. The entire planet. How did his stupid luck let him land where the ONE annoying jedi master on the entire planet was?!

“Good. Waste my time anymore, you will not.”

Kazuma opened his eye to see Yoda hobbling off to where Megumin and Yunyun were already up and doing calisthenics. “That’s it? You’re not going to pester me?”

“To old I am to babysit. If a child you are,for you my training  is not. If worthless layabout you are, no desire to train you have I,” Yoda said, not even bothering to turn around.

“Are you calling me a NEET?” Kazuma demanded, now sitting up and throwing off his sleeping bag.

“Neat? No. Messy slob you are. If a padawan you were, kicked out you would be. A more slovenly child, I have not met.” Yoda half turned and frowned at Kazuma. “Back to sleep you go. Suits you, idleness does.”

“I AM NOT A DAMNED NEET!” Kazuma shouted, jumping up, nostrils flaring in outrage. “I am a damn war hero, I’ll have you know! And I never just lazed about in my room no matter WHAT Megumin and Yunyun said. Sure, I spent as much time in there as I could, but it was air conditioned, so any person in their right mind would-”

“The face of someone who cares, this is not. Train, or do not train. There is no whine. The back of my hand, you will catch, when whine you do,” Yoda told Kazuma, then hobbled off to the two girls, still muttering under his breath.

“Master! Do we get to practice lightsaber dueling today!?” Megumin asked, pausing in her stretching and bounding on her heels eagerly.

Yunyun didn’t say anything, but she beamed at Kazuma when he slouched over and stood next to her.

“Ready for a lightsaber, you are not. Understanding of the meaning of the Jedi, we must find in you,” Yoda said. He frowned at Kazuma, but then turned to the girls. “Focus you lack.  Peace you have not. These things, a Jedi must have.”

“I’m totally focused! I hardly ever accidentally blow up things any more,” Megumin said, puffing out her chest.

“More worried about when you intend to blow them up, I am,” Yoda said dryly. He turned to the swamp, putting his hand on the small of his back and sighing. “Three stones I have placed in the forest. Find them you must. Your feelings, you must trust. Your eyes, deceive you they shall. To find them, peace you must attain.”

“Are you serious? You woke me up for a scavenger hunt?” Kazuma demanded, glaring at the short alien.

“Find them, or do not. The lesson this is. If learn you cannot, stop wasting my time you should.”

“OH YOU DON’T THINK I CAN FIND YOUR STUPID ROCKS DO YOU!? COME ON, GIRLS! LET’S SHOW POINTY EARS WHAT THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN CAN DO!”

Kazuma stalked off into the muck, too damn mad to care that he was getting his boots and pants wet. This uppity little booger thought Kazuma wasn’t worth training!? He’d show him!

Behind him, Yunyun beamed at Megumin. “He said he’s a Crimson Demon!”

“Duh. If he was practically adopted by the clan anyway,” Megumin remarked. “But I shall be the one who finds all three stones!” With a hoot, Megumin dashed off along the surface of the muck, arms extended behind her in what was known as the classic “Crimson Demon Run,” but what many would recognize as “weeb mode.”

“K-Kazuma! Megumin! Wait for me!” Yunyun shrilled, and hurried off after Kazuma, who was swearing and squelching along.

Behind them, Yoda groaned and rubbed his face with his hand. “Explain much, that does. Trouble that planet is. Too old for this I am. Worse than Anakin ever was these ones are.”

Then he went back into his hut and brewed himself a cup of tea. He absently wondered how long it would take them to figure out he’d put exactly zero stones out in the swamp. But he enjoyed the peace and quiet while it lasted.

Well, aside from the bellows of the vicious swamp predators coming to gruesome ends when they mistook the deadliest apex predators in the galaxy for snacks.

Several hours later, three muck drenched prospective padawans slogged back to Yoda’s hut. Kazuma was carrying a nearly comatose Megumin on his back, who was giggling in between almost passing out. Yunyun had a freshly healed wound on her forehead, and thick black smoke was still rising into the sky half a kilometer away from a rapidly filling newly created lake.

“We found the damn rocks,” Kazuma said, and dropped three stones onto the low table, then set Megumin down in Yoda’s own bed, where she promptly fell asleep.

Yoda wrinkled his nose at the mud now coating his bedsheets, then sighed and looked up at the other two. Yunyun looked hopeful and nervous, while Kazuma looked like he was ready to bite someone’s head off.

“Much anger I sense in you, young Skywalker. If a Jedi you wish to be, learn to master it, you must. Master you, anger has. Go: think on this.”

“Are you serious!? That’s it!? Freaking waste of my time,” Kazuma grumbled, and turned around. He let out a yip as he hit his head on the low beam, cursed some more, then practically crawled out of the hut.

Yunyun turned as if to go, but Yoda raised a hand. “Sit. Sensed what happened, I did.”

“Oh…so, um, you know about the Dragon Snake…I told Megumin she didn’t need to use a thermal detonator…but…” Yunyun wrang her hands as she sat kneeling on the floor, glancing at her snoring friend.

Yoda pursed his lips. She was perhaps the most puzzling of his supposed padawans. Megumin was an unstable maniac that Yoda was going to have to beat a little sense into.  If for no other reason than that she seemed the type to plunge the galaxy into war just because she couldn’t resist blowing things up. Kazuma was a young man with a chip on his shoulder, something Yoda had seen more than once. Especially in Anakin. Not even getting laid had really helped him though, and Yoda was fairly certain Kazuma needed something more as well.

Yunyun, however…she truly frightened Yoda. Unlike the others, she could be calm and rational when the situation required it, and seemed to actually want to make peace. She had even made a few snacks for Yoda, which he had appreciated. While he didn’t exactly mind surviving on bugs and fish, he did miss the occasional more refined dining opportunity.

And she was also capable of incredible violence and cold blooded murder without flinching. Yoda sensed within Yunyun the potential to utterly change the future of the galaxy, much as Anakin once had. Either she would topple the Empire and restore peace, ushering in a new age of the Jedi and Enlightenment…

Or she would become a ruler far more despotic than Palpatine had ever been, bringing an age of war and strife where her people arose at last and remade the stars in their own mad image.

A part of Yoda wished to strike down Yunyun now, when she was still relatively weak, and it was within his power to do so. But that was not the way of the Jedi. She had come to him seeking training, and for all the fear and doubt he sensed within her, he also saw the potential for great courage and wisdom.

“Your eyes, close them,” Yoda said gently.

Yunyun nodded, and closed her eyes, folding her hands in her lap.

“Fear. Doubt. Anxiety. Let go of these things you must.”

Yunyun bit her lip and nodded, shifting nervously, which made Yoda sigh.

“Do not try. Empty yourself. Your mind, let it be blank. Focus on the Force,” Yoda said gently.

Letting out a heavy sigh, Yunyun tried to comply with Yoda’s instruction. He didn’t expect it to work the first time; after all, she was untrained, and-

The emotions drained out of Yunyun. She slowly relaxed completely, her muscles unknotting as she emptied her mind, and simply let the Force flow into her. Yoda was impressed, and nodded in approval. She was strong, this one. “Good. Let the Force fill you. There is no emotion, there is peace. Focus on the first point of the Jedi code today we will.”

Yunyun nodded, and Yoda felt a powerful tug on the Force. His ears twitched and the old master couldn’t help but frown slightly. The last time he’d seen someone use this much of the Force…it had been his duel with Palpatine. This girl wasn’t at that level, not yet, but her capacity was-

“Empty myself,” Yunyun whispered. “Let it go.”

“Yes, child. The Force, all there is it is,” Yoda said.

Then he let out an involuntary gasp. Before, Yunyun had only been channeling the Light Side, but now in equal measure the Dark Side flooded the room. How could this girl hold both in such equal measure?! It should have been utterly impossible; the two halves of the Force were like oil and water, never meeting. But both flowed through Yunyun now, as the girl slowly rose up in the air. Bits of energy sparked off her, rattling Yoda’s dishes and causing one of his bundles of herbs to burst into flames.

“Behold, I am Yunyun! Foremost Genius of the Crimson Demon Clan, and she who will one day lead our people to glory!” Yunyun declared, her eyes snapping open and glowing red. “For I need no friends, the Force shall guide me and-”

Yoda lifted up his stick and jabbed the girl in the nose with it.

“Ow!” Yunyun dropped down, the massive power she’d held vanishing in an instant. “W-what did I do? I-I was trying to follow your directions and…um…what happened?”

Breathing out a sigh of relief, Yoda shook his head. “Enough for today. Go. Find Kazuma. Spend time with him, you should. I shall see to this one.”

“Oh. OK! W-we can have a date!” Yunyun said happily, and scrambled out of the hut.

Yoda sat down hard on a stool, looking around as the disarray in his hut.

“Damn you, Kenobi. Too old I am for this,” Yoda groaned. “Rethink my curriculum I must. Too dangerous to let loose, these ones are.”

Behind him he heard, “Witness…power…my…fully operational…death station…zzzz.”

Yes. Definitely some changes to the curriculum.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

While there were a great many ways to die in the universe, being trapped in a moist, slimy cave and slowly suffocating to death was pretty high up on Darkness’ list of ways to go, along with “tortured to death in the Emperor’s dungeon” and “Death by Snu-snu.”

“I-I can’t believe it, trapped alone in space with only a crude smuggler and a vicious alien, doomed to die as a maiden!” Darkness panted, shuddering slightly at the very thought.

“Vicious alien?” Chewbacca muttered. “Wookies aren’t the ones to keep starting these pan galactic wars, you know.”

“We’re not dead yet, princess,” Han growled, giving her a glare. She shuddered slightly at that. It was as if he was dismissing her utterly, trampling her will beneath his, and degrading her with his very gaze! Yes, he was most certainly exactly the sort of man she wanted!

If only he would tie her down to his bunk and have his way with her, forcing her to-

No, no, they were actually in danger here. While Darkness didn’t mind the prospect of horrifying torture for herself (actually she rather looked forward to it) the thought of Han or even Chewbacca being hurt enraged her. She forced herself to calm down and think.

“We seem to be in the belly of some sort of organism…while I am educated in a variety of subjects, deep space fauna is one I am somewhat lacking in. What manner of ill tempered beast has imprisoned us, to surely slowly digest us in the most excruciating manner possible?!” Darkness panted, imagining something grisly and with lots of probing tentacles that would surely violate a maiden’s virtue in the most gratifying manner possible.

“There’s all sorts of nasty stuff out in the void, princess,” Han said, unstrapping himself and standing up. “Could be a space whale, space slug, or even neebray.”

Darkness tried not to grin at the mention of a “space slug” as that was exactly the sort of disgusting creature she wished to face in battle. “I understand well enough the first two, but what is a neebray?”

“Space manta ray, only all of these pests grow to enormous sizes,” Chewbacca explained as they all headed to the ship's cargo bay. “This is similar to the phenomena on water worlds where the fauna can reach much larger sizes than even the biggest game on Kashyyyk or other terrestrial worlds, due to the cube square law, don’t you know. The biggest issue is radiant heat, but-”

“Yeah, yeah, we can figure out what kind of nasty ate us after we kill it,” Han said, opening up a compartment and rummaging around. “For once I wish that kid was here.”

“Kazuma?” Darkness asked, feeling her heart skip a beat. Though Han was older, rougher, and more worldly, there was some special affection in her heart for the crude farmboy from Tatooine. She felt a connection with him on a deep level, and the way his eyes undressed her where he stood despite two other women vying for his affection…

“What? No, Megumin. That little menace always has enough explosives on her to level a city block, and for once that’d actually be useful,” Han commented.

“Did you know, I heard she used a fission missile on Hoth? The very idea! Only an utter barbarian would use radioactives on a lifebearing world,” Chewbacca huffed, digging out a tool box and several ancient power cells from storage.

“Yes, we were right there, I’m the one who told you!” Han said, coming up with several cables. “Right. So we have to figure out a way to blow a hole out of this thing before we’re dinner.”

“So, you are attempting to improvise an explosive?” Darkness asked, watching as Chewie and Han began to jury rig the various power cells.

“No, we’re trying to cook Mon Calimari sushi. Yes! Of course we are,” Han growled, his forehead wrinkling as he delicately adjusted something on the old cell.

“I have had many classes in improvised explosives and sabotage! I can be of assistance. And if one is about to explode, I can shelter you with my body, saving you with my very life!” Darkness offered, picking up one of the old batteries.

“Just be careful. They’re old and somewhat unstable, eh? Wouldn’t want them to go off early,” Chewbacca chuckled, lowering a pair of goggles as he worked on some wires.

Darkness tried to remember what she’d learned about improvising explosives from power cells. Something about cross wiring…she concentrated and fiddled with the connections. Yes, you had to be careful or-

There was a loud bang and an acrid stench, and a moment later Han and Chewier were both yelling, even as Darkness ears were still ringing. She frowned down at herself, then gasped. Something was eating away at her clothing! Apparently, what she had done had created a very powerful acid, which was now destroying even her thick winter clothing!

“Oh, how shameful, to have myself exposed before the rapacious eyes of-”

An all too familiar sensation of someone upending an entire bucket of icy water over Darkness’ head caused her to sputter and twitch. Then to her shock, Han actually grunted, lifting her into his arms, and bridal carrying her through the ship.

Had his baser instincts taken over now that Darkness’s clothes were practically falling off of her!? Was he about to force himself upon her, claiming her as his woman, finally making her a woman in truth, and no innocent-

Han dumped Darkness into the refresher, then turned the water on full blast. She sputtered and tried to stand, only for Han to push her back down. She could have forced him off of her, but she really wanted him to start- Yes! Yes, he was ripping her clothes off! Oh, oh, he was going to have his way with her, he-

“You blasted idiot! That acid can eat its way through a man in under a minute! CHEWIE, GET THE MEDKIT! Ow, ow! Dammit, it’s burning my hands!”

Darkness blinked, then through the mist of the water saw that Han’s hands were turning red just from brief contact with her clothes. She pulled him into the shower, thrusting his hands under the water. “Do not! The acid only burned my clothes!”

“What!? We have to get it off your skin, or it will…damn, your boobs really are perfect.”

Blushing, Darkness tried to cover herself with one hand, while keeping Han’s, well, hands, under the water. “Yes, but that acid merely tingles. It does not hurt my skin at all.”

“I have the medikit!” Chewie cried, bursting in. “How badly burned is-  oh.”

Darkness blushed, turning away. “H-how crude, to be ogled by two males! To have my clothes ripped away, and-”

“Yes, well, I’ll just dispose of these then. Do try to be quick, Han. We do have to get out of here, can’t have you two rucking all day.” With that, Chewie used a mop handle to lever Darkness’ now smoking garments into a hazardous waste container, leaving behind etched metal on the deck. Then he backed out and shut the door.

Darkness gave Han a hopeful grin. “W-well, I’m already disrobed, a-and we are sharing a shower, we can-”

Han slowly reached out to cup Darkness’ breast, only for his hand to shoot back and get thrust under the water again. “OW OW OW! That burns! How are you not hurt?!”

Darkness blinked, and looked down to see that there were still droplets of acid on her skin. “Well…it does tingle slightly?”

Unfortunately, Han had to leave then to go wash his hands with some special chemicals, leaving Darkness to sulk alone in the shower, with firm orders for her not to come out until she’d completely washed away the acid.

“It’s not fair, it should be hurting me,” she grumbled as she scrubbed herself. It barely even tingled, if she were honest. Han’s touch had burned far more than mere acid.

Once she was out and changed, she returned to the hold, where she found Han with his hands wrapped in bandages, muttering as he worked clumsily. He took one look at her and pointed to the corner. “You. Go sit there. On your hands! And don’t touch anything. I’ll deal with you later! You nearly killed us all, and worse you damaged my ship!”

“S-since I have been so poorly behaved…will you punish me most severely?!” Darkness asked hopefully as she complied with Han’s order.

“If my belt hadn’t been half burned off, I’d use it on you,” Han growled, blushing slightly.

Darkness resolved that as soon as they returned to civilization, she would buy Han a dozen belts. Real leather ones, with metal studs in them!

After several hours of working, Han and Chewie managed to create several bombs. Darkness was given them, and ordered to trek to as close to the beasts mouth as possible and plant them.

“Hopefully we can blow a hole in this thing and fly our way out. Just don’t drop those! They could go off! And it would probably rupture your suit if not you. You’d die of oxygen deprivation. Probably,” Han said.

“F-forcing me to carry these bombs, which could explode and shatter my frail form at any moment!” Darkness gasped, shuddering at the very thought.

“Frail my hairy arse,” Chewbacca muttered half under his breath, in a shocking display of vulgarity for the normally well mannered wookiee. He seemed a bit put off still about Darkness’s little incident, as a bit of acid had singed his fur, though thankfully he wasn’t harmed beyond his dignity.

Darkness trekked along in her spacesuit, lugging the bombs with her. She pretended to struggle with the package at first, but once she was fairly certain Han and Chewie couldn’t see her, simply lifted it up and set it on her shoulder before striding along. For some reason, she’s always been stronger than those around her. True, she trained her body daily and had access to the best food and health care, but her doctors had always been puzzled at her ability to lift multi-ton objects with relative ease. They’d called it “good breeding,” but she was adopted so that didn’t make sense.

Before long, Darkness came to even wetter, spongier ground, and she realized she was in the creature’s maw, standing on it’s tongue. Ahead of her, illuminated by her headlamp, she spotted large white stones that interlocked, which had to be the teeth.

“I am here, O mighty beast, to vanquish you!” Darkness declared, hefting the bombs. “Though you may attempt to violate me in all sorts of unspeakable ways, perhaps with your probing tentacles, which would slither into my clothes, then forcibly insert themselves into my-”

Oh, uh, hi. Er…are you my new fauna?

Darkness yipped and dropped the bombs, causing her to flinch. Sadly, they didn’t explode, which caused her to sigh in disappointment.

“I am Darkness Organa, Princess of Alderaan, O space demon! And though you attempt to torture me with vile acids or biting chains, you shall never break me!” Darkness declared, picking the bomb up to place it by the teeth.

Uh…huh. Well…I’m your new host, Sy-O! I’m an exogorth, and I'm very excited to meet you! I’ve been trying to add some respectable higher-order life forms to my ecosystem. Now, I know you’re oxygen breathing, so I’m working on adjusting my inner atmosphere to suit you. I’ll also work on-

“A-an Exogorth!? Are you a vile creature that captures hapless maidens, crudely taking your pleasure with them!? Perhaps your species must impregnant an unwilling vessel with it’s spawn, which would burst forth from-”

What!? NO! Look, I was trying to save you! I saw those other microorganisms trying to kill you, so I rescued you! Don’t worry, I’m adjusting some of my flora to produce nutrients you can eat, they’ll be ready soon. I hope you can meet some of the more interesting creatures that live in my ecosystem and get along. You’ll be the pride of my collection!

“S-so you will force us to eat your horrid secretions, which have mind warping properties?! Will you force us to ingest your fluids to impregnate us, then send us forth to propagate your monstrous race and-”

Where are you getting these ideas?! No, look. To an exogorth, having higher order microorganisms in their internal fauna is a point of pride! Why, Lm-U is always bragging about the colony of Gamorrians he’s got living inside of himself. I’ve never managed to keep a stable colony, but I’m hoping…is there at least a breeding population in that ship of yours?”

“Y-you intend to breed us like cattle!? Oh, oh, to have the males force themselves upon me, using me as their broodmare, forcing my body to be their plaything, and to birth a race of slaves to serve this horrible overlord in who’s stomach we dwell!” Darkness wrapped her arms about herself, sinking to her knees and drooling slightly. “Yes, and then perhaps you will find these Gamorrians, allowing them to satisfy their carnal pleasures upon my body, and-”

Uh…look. I don’t think this is going to work out. I was hoping for some…well, some more refined life forms. I…I don’t think you’re a good fit for my ecosystem. I…you should go. It’s not you, it’s me. Sorry. I’ll just open my mouth, and uh…look if you don’t leave on your own I’ll have to expel you.

Darkness watched in disappointment as the mouth slowly opened, revealing the space outside.

“You…you shall not force me to abase myself for your pleasure?”

No. Absolutely not.

“Nor will you use tentacles to ravage me?”

Exogorth don’t even HAVE tentacles!!! Where are you getting- no, no, I don’t want to know. Get out. Now.

“I-I am rejected even by this vicious beast?! My reputation as a maiden, ruined!” Darkness gasped, clutching herself and shuddering.

Which was when the tongue picked her up and swatted her back to the Falcon, causing her to gasp with pleasure. This was even better than getting blown up! To be so thoroughly rejected and debased!

Darkness hurried back to the ship, where she found Han and Chewie waiting in the airlock.

“Great job, Princess!” Han laughed, pounding Darkness on the back, and kissing her thoroughly. “That was one in a million! We got the hyperdrive fixed too. We can only make a short jump, but we’re home free once we’re out of this asteroid field!”

“I didn’t detect the bomb going off, what did you do?” Chewbacca asked as the Falcon lifted off and flew out of the space slug. The teeth snapped shut behind them, and the exogorth slithered deeper into its hole to sulk.

“I…I do not know,” Darkness admitted. She gave Han a sheepish grin. “Will…will you punish me, for damaging your ship earlier?”

“After that, there’s no way I would-”

“Yes, he will,” Chewbacca said. “It’s an hour long jump. Get it out of her system, Han. Before she does something reckless again.”

Darkness gave Han an eager grin. She had missed out on her fantasy of being digested and violated by a space monster, but perhaps…she grabbed Han and hustled him back to his cabin. An hour wasn’t much time, they had to get started!

The Thirteenth Fang, Chapter 8

The rolling hills and scraggy brush plodded by, and Titus rubbed at his face. He wasn’t exactly sleepy, it was midmorning after all, but he also had the soldier’s knack for sleeping whenever he could. That would be foolish here: the wilderness was famous for its many hazards, and there could be anything from bandits, to greenskins, to more mutants waiting just over a rocky ridge and looking for an opportune moment to attack.

Normally, Freya would have been chatty, but she was rather silent this morning, and Titus wasn’t exactly a sterling conversationalist. He’d made a few overtures, but when he’d been answered in monosyllables and Freya had gone back to reading her book, he’d given up and just enjoyed the silence. He kept scanning the horizon, head moving constantly, but he was in that sort of half aware state of nothingness that allowed long and weary hours to race by with no recollection of their passing.

The only real source of concern wasn’t orks or bandits though, but rather the angry stares from Gotrek the Slayer, and the uncomfortable glances from Felix. Titus found it irritating, but Freya was so involved in her book that she didn’t seem to notice at all. Titus had never really been one for reading himself, but Zelda had always had her nose in some book when she wasn’t raising hell, so simply let Freya be and passed the morning in pleasant numbness.

For the midday meal, the party stopped under a grove of thin willow trees along the banks of a stony creek. There was some grass for the horses, and Titus let their mounts off on a hobble to get their meal, while the party set about having their own lunch. Normally it would have been a simple cold meal, but one of the wagons had cracked an axle, and with no fresh water for the rest of the day, the train was reluctantly halted to effect repairs.

That meant a hot lunch, which Titus was quite delighted by. It was a simple meal, beans and bacon with some day-old bread, but it was tasty enough. Before the meal though, Freya went off around the bend to bathe.

“No peeking,” she said, giving Titus a wink. “But you can have your turn later.”

“Feh. He’s not an elf, he’s a man,” Gotrek grunted.

Freya gave Gotrek a look, sniffed, and flounced off, leaving the others behind. Titus was tempted to peek, but decided against angering the demigod that could throw fireballs at him.

Felix let out a heavy sigh. “Gotrek, I myself wouldn’t mind a quick bath while the wheelwright does his work.”

“You could use one, dwarf,” Titus agreed.

“Are you commenting on my smell, manling?” Gotrek said, bristling. “It’s a good smell, a dwarfish smell! Not like some nancy elf.”

“You smell the same as the rest of us, which is to say like stale sweat and rancid beer,” Titus said, glaring at the dwarf.

“Do you insult my honor?!” Gotrek thundered, standing up and gripping his axe.

Titus rolled his eyes. “I said I smell the same. We’ve been on the road for several days. Don’t dwarves bathe?”

“Not often,” Felix muttered, which earned him a glare from Gotrek.

“Whose side are you on then? Would you rather follow around some flighty knife ears than witness my heroic doom?” Gotrek demanded.

“I made an oath, and I intend to keep it. But I also intend to do so while clean. You wouldn’t want me to have to record you died smelling as bad as the monster you slew, would you?” Felix asked, his tone rather rhetorical.

Gotrek paused at that. “It’s not traditional to write about how someone smells when they die. Unless, perhaps, they’re Snori Nosebitter. Can smell him a mile off.”

“There, then it’s settled. We’ll have a nice bath. And leave the poor girl alone, Gotrek. She’s done naught to offend you,” Felix pointed out.

“Girl!? She’s a hundred or I’ll shave my beard,” Gotrek spat. “Can never tell with elves. Don’t smell right. Don’t look right. Don’t appreciate proper food. She didn’t even have her beans.”

“Oh come off it. Freya will eat the beans when she comes back,” Titus said in exasperation.

Gotrek turned to him, a gleam in his eye. “Oh, I doubt it. And do you know why, manling?”

“Because you think elves have a bean allergy?” Titus said, feeling exasperated.

“No. Because-” Gotrek lifted his leg, and from the dwarf emanated the loudest, smelliest fart that Titus had ever smelt witness to. That was actually quite something, as he’d spent a great deal of time around soldiers who had no compunctions against breaking wind, and actually made it something of a sport. What came out of Gotrek was the sort of thing that smelled like something had crawled up inside the dwarf and died, and lasted for half a minute. By the time he was done, Felix was coughing and had evacuated his position on a tree stump by Gotrek, with Titus and several others standing and backing away.

“Because you’ve never seen an elf fart, have you!” Gotrek roared, laughing uproariously. “Not like a proper dwarf!”

“Gods, I think it’s more than beans that’s gotten into you,” Titus complained, waving the air before his face. “What was that for?”

“To prove a point,” Gotrek said, then sat back down and proceeded to enjoy his lunch and beer mostly alone.

Titus sat with the rest of the men a few feet away, all of them casting unhappy glances at Gotrek. None of them were willing to get close to the dwarf, which seemed to please the slayer just fine.

A few minutes later though, Freya returned, wearing a fresh riding dress and with her hair done up above her head. She seemed rather distracted, which wasn’t that unusual, taking another book out of her bag and serving herself from the pot before sitting down across from Gotrek. She ate as she read for a moment, before realizing that everyone was staring at her, with Gotrek giving her a tooth baring grin. Freya blinked, then blushed slightly. “Ah, your pardon, Master Gotrek.”

“Notice anything different, elf?” Gotrek asked, his grin growing rather nasty.

“Er…” Freya looked around helplessly, then peered into her bowl of beans. “The food is…good? Did you make it?”

At that, Gotrek looked rather disappointed. “No. But I did make something else.”

“Ah. Well, the fire is quite lovely,” Freya said, then went back to reading, apparently deciding her conversational duties were attended to.

Gotrek, who had not made the fire, looked rather offended. Then an evil grin stole across his face, and his brow furrowed as he concentrated.

Realizing what was coming, Titus stood. “Ah, Freya, perhaps we should-”

Before he could finish, Gotrek let out a much less impressive, but still rather loud and smelly, fart.

Freya wrinkled her nose, but simply turned the page in her book without looking up. “Yes, Titus?”

“Er, well, I was just thinking that perhaps-”

“If you wish to bathe, I shan’t peek,” Freya said absently. “At least one of you will smell somewhat pleasant.”

“See. Told you elves can’t stand a proper outdoor meal,” Gotrek said, and belched. Then lifted up one side of his buttocks, and let out another burst of flatulence.

Freya’s mouth firmed into a thin line. “Master Dwarf. I do not find the meal lacking. Only the manners of my company.”

“So, you would cast aspersions upon my race?” Gotrek asked, jumping to his feet.

“Race? No. Gender. Most definitely,” Freya said, then took her bowl and book and walked off towards a stump at the edge of camp. “Though if someone remembers to bathe and mind his manners, perhaps I will not find riding with him so onerous later.”

Gotrek stared after her, his mouth opening and closing for a moment.

At that point, Titus, Felix, Master Handler, and several of the other guards all stood.

“Think I’ll have a bath. I’ve some soap, if you need some,” Felix told Titus.

“I have a bar,” Titus said blithely, trying not to wince. Freya had made a few pointed remarks that had led to him buying it, as normally he wouldn’t have bothered.

“Cowards,” Gotrek grumbled, as the others all went to bathe.

For her part, Freya waited until all the men were gone. Then she very deliberately lowered her book, lifted herself slightly, and broke wind.

Gotrek stared at her in utter disbelief.

“No one will ever believe you,” Freya told him. And with a smirk, went back to reading her book as Gotrek spluttered.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Heart pounding in her chest, Heidi watched as she and Vicini surveyed the camp below her. Her breath came more shallowly, and she felt the edges of her vision blurring. She forced herself to calm, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. Then she opened them and spoke. “So. How do we go about this?”

She was rather proud of herself that her voice only trembled a little.

“Good. You can control your fear. Do not fear the fear itself. It is useful. Use it. But remember this: you must make them fear you more,” Vicini told her.

“It’s just a couple of goblins. How hard can it be?” Heidi managed, her voice only cracking a little at the end.

She looked down below her at the goblin camp again. She had heard of greenskins before, of course. Even seen a few ork skulls mounted on walls  as trophies, but they’d been dusty and old. She’d never seen one of the legendary foes of the empire in the flesh. These were not as fearsome as the orks of legend, just being the smaller goblins. But the nasty little things had red eyes and needle sharp teeth, and just looked…wrong.

While Heidi had seen elves and dwarfs before, and the elder races were undoubtedly still, well, people. They were alien, yes, but not overly so. Heidi had laughed and served elves and dwarfs with the same panache she had men, and in turn she’d had her bottom pinched by more than a few dwarfs, and even an elf once, though he seemed to have been far gone in his cups at that point.

These creatures though…they moved wrong. Their proportions were wrong. The noises they made were closer to animal than human. And the other creatures in the clearing…Heidi shuddered. Spiders should not get that big.

“Greenskins are simple creatures. Much like man. They simply need to be shown who is in charge, and given commands. Then, they will obey,” Vicini said.

“And…how do we show who’s in charge?” Heidi asked, frowning. “I don’t think this is like it is with men, where you just have to grab them by their balls to lead them around.”

“Oh but it is. You simply-”

“ROIT YA GROTS. THAT’S ENUFF O’ DAT. WHERE’S ME BEER?”

The goblins looked up from their meal of some sort of horrible stew, cringing as a huge creature with shoulders broader than even Heidi’s father strode into the clearing. The thing was taller than a man despite having a hunched form, and two cracked tusks jutted from its mouth. Red eyes peered from under a bony brow, and the long arms almost dragged along the ground.

Later, Heidi would realize this was an aged and rather pathetic specimen of the species, but at that moment she froze in fear at the first ork she had ever seen in the flesh.

The goblins instantly dropped what they were doing, groveling and whining in nasally voices, while several hurried to bring food and drink to the ork, who sat close to the fire, ripping meat off the haunch he had been given and swilling beer.

“-find the biggest and the strongest.”

Heidi swallowed, then nodded. “So…we kick him in the balls?”

“I wouldn’t suggest it. Ork anatomy does not work that way. But they have other weaknesses. Come, slave.”

“Not a slave,” Heidi growled, but she went along all the same, hand gripping the pistol tucked into her belt.

To her surprise, Vicini simply walked down the slope, making no effort to hide his approach. Indeed, unless Heidi missed her guess, the dwarf kicked several rocks very deliberately, causing a great deal of noise.

“WOT’S THIS!?” the ork bellowed, and the goblins looked up, hissing and licking their lips upon seeing who was coming. “A ‘UMIE AN’ A STUNTY? LOOKS LOIK WE GOT SOME MEAT ON DA MENU TONIGHT, BOYS!”

“You there. Boy. What are you doing to my slaves?” Vicini demanded, raising his tone slightly. Heidi glanced at him, then did a double take. His hat was suddenly taller than it had been before, and now was sporting two very large horns coming out of the middle of it. The raccoon’s face was gone, replaced by that of a bull with a bronze ring through its nose, and the eyes were glowing red, little puffs of smoking coming out of the nostrils.

“YA TALK A LOT FOR A STUNTY. ROIT, YA GROTS, GET ‘EM!” the ork bellowed, standing up and reaching for a rusted looking hunk of iron that seemed to be his sword.

Several goblins chittered and raced forward, and Heidi made to draw her pistol.

“Don’t. Killing them will just enrage them. You do it like so,” Vicini said calmly. He waited until the first goblin was nearly on them, then kicked the creature in the head. It went spinning head over heels down the hill, taking out two other goblins along the way. The next creature caught a sharp backhand from Vicini, and went flying in a similar manner.

One goblin came right at Heidi, and with a snarl of mixed fury and fear, she kicked it square between the legs, forgetting what Vicini had said about the difference in anatomy between the species. However, her larger size and heavy boots were enough to punt the goblin several feet into the air, after which it flew downward, landing in the boiling pot with a scream of pain.

“Good shot,” Vicini grunted.

Heidi gave a nervous giggle: she hadn’t been aiming for that, but the effect was obvious.

The rest of the goblins hesitated. Heidi realized they’d been expecting Vicini and Heidi to either flee or fight back, which was the usual response that sensible people would have had to a goblin attack. Since they had instead acted more as if the goblins were a nuisance, perhaps a particularly annoying mutt, they were now uncertain as to what to do.

“OI. WHAT ARE YA DOIN’ TO MY GROTS?” the ork bellowed.

“They are not yours, boy. Now where is my food?” Vicini snapped back, his voice cracking like a whip.

The ork blinked, his tiny brain not certain how to process this. However, orks generally have only two responses to a problem, and since Vicini was a “stunty” the ork chose to attack, raising his crude sword and roaring out a battle cry as he charged.

Vicini waited for the ork to approach, then jumped up and headbutted the beast right in the nose. The ork staggered back, clutching his nose, which leaked black blood. Vicini followed this up with a double handed blow to the ork’s ears, which caused it to stagger to its knees. Then Vicini punched the ork in the gut, causing it to fall over, gasping in pain.

Leaning over the ork, Vicini growled. “I’m the biggest. I’m the strongest. I’m the boss. Do you understand?”

“Wot?” the ork said, blinking stupidly.

Vinici punched the ork. “WHOS THE BIGGEST AND THE STRONGEST?”

“Uh, you, boss! You're the biggest!” the ork said, cringing now as the furious Vicini towered over him.

“That one’s my nob,” Vicini said, pointing to Heidi. “Understand?”

“Huh? How can a humie-”

Sensing a pattern, Heidi kicked the ork as hard as she could. She didn’t particularly like being called a nob, but it seemed like a good idea.

“Ow! Ow! Yeah, I get it, I get it, boss! She’s the nob! You’re the boss!”

“Good. Now. Beer and food.” Vicini sat down where the ork previously had, and Heidi took up a position at his side, uncertain of what to do. The goblins all stared at them, blinking stupidly and scratching at themselves, obviously not sure what had just happened.

A moment later, the ork staggered to his feet. “YA HEARD THE BOSS! GET ‘IM SOME FOOD YA GROTS!”

The goblins raced to obey, and a moment later, Heidi was choking down the foul beer and food the ork had brought them.

“Good. But this is not enough. Where are the rest of the boys?” Vicini asked the ork.

“Eh? Wots that, boss? These grots is the only one in me band.” Heidi punched the ork, and to her shock, managed to stagger him.  “I mean, in your band, boss.”

“Where are the other bands? I need more to start a proper war. We have a big fight ahead of us,” Vicini declared, sipping at his beer.

At the mention of a “war” and “big fight,” the orks beady red eyes lit up. “A propa foit, boss?”

“Not just a fight. A right, and proper, war,” Vicini answered.

The ork rounded on the goblins. “YA HEAR THAT, YA GROTS! DA BOSS ‘AS GOT US A PROPA WAAAAAGH!”

“WAAAAAAAAGH!” the goblins screamed.

Vicini nodded, then turned his head to Heidi. “You see? Simple. They are mine now. And soon, all the greenskins in the area will be. And then, that Slayer dies, the elf dies, and that sword is mine.”

Heidi nodded slowly. Was it really this easy? Could you really seize power with just a few kicks? She filed it away for later. For now, she just dreaded having to eat the soup, which had a now very dead goblin in it. A problem for later.

Legend of Galactic Zeroes, Chapter 15. The Yaoi One.

“I can’t take much more!”

“Just loosen up, it’ll be over soon!“

“I-I can’t, I’ve never done it like this before!”

“Yes you can, stop whining!”

“But I’m the one who’s supposed to take the lead! I can’t just lay here and take it from you!”

“Argh! It’s so stiff though, did you even use any lube?!”

“Oooooo~”

Kazuma and Mitsurugi hesitated for a moment, nearly stumbling in their charge towards the foe. Neither one of them had made the last sound.

“Darkness?” Kazuma asked, but he was already pretty sure that wasn’t her.

“Major Sena?! You’re not watching us, are you?!” Mitsurugi asked, sounding panicked.

“I, ah, I have been assigned as your Combat Coordinator for this battle,” Sena said over the radio, her voice breathy and panting. “I didn’t…I didn’t realize you boys…were this way. Oh my.”

“IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!” Kazuma and Mitsurugi said in unison.

“Mhmm. It’s Ok. We’re very open minded here, you know. Two men becoming lovers on the battlefield isn’t shameful at all!” Sena said encouragingly.

“Weren’t you just talking shit about Darkness for being horny on main when something important was going on, lady!? We’re just trying to do our job!” Kazuma protested.

“I would never debase myself with a man of such low character as this fiend! I am saving myself for someone virtuous, like Lady Lalatina!” Mitsurugi added.

Kazuma and Sena were both silent for a moment, with Sena even appearing on screen and adjusting her glasses to squint at Mitsurugi in disbelief.

“Is he always this delusional?” Kazuma asked Sena bluntly, turning the mecha back towards the enemy and racing onwards.

“Well he still hasn’t noticed that Fio and Clemea would both happily warm his bed. They’re both respectable girls, unlike that hussy he claims to love. I’m certain it’s because he’s gay,” Sena said bluntly.

“W-what?! NO! And how dare you say that about Lady- OOOOOO! Not so hard, Kazuma!”

“Shut up and fight! Sena, if you have something useful to say, say it now!” Kazuma snarled as they formed up with the rest of the army. Already, they were taking fire from the enemy, and Kazuma was returning fire. Or, well, Mitsurgi was. It was kinda embarrassing.

“Can you not wiggle around so much?!” Kazuma demanded as he jinked the mecha to the side, firing the main cannons and taking out one of the smaller mecha. He drew the energy sword next and cut another one down easily. Damn. Mitsurugi’s mecha really was well made. It had the perfect balance of speed, firepower, and defensive stats, as the shots that hit his armor were absorbed or deflected easily. It made him kinda jealous.

“Well if someone wasn’t poking me in the OOOOO~!” Mitsurugi moaned, shuddering slightly.

Kazuma felt like puking. Wait, was this what the girls felt like when they had to be around naked women? Looking at someone else’s shapely ass, their well toned thighs, their- NO, NO NO NO! HE WASN’T GAY!

“K-kazuma, b-be more gentle, I can’t take much more,” Mitsurugi panted.

“Damn, I wouldn’t have taken him for a power bottom,” Sena commented. “Or you for a top, Kazuma.”

“Look, it’s not like that, we’re just fusing! I meant to fuse with Darkness!” Kazuma protested.

“Yes, but isn’t this so much better? The heat of the battlefield, the bonds between brothers in arms, blossoming into-”

“If you say love I’m quitting this fight and finding you so I can punch you in your stupid face,” Kazuma snarled, even as he used his beam saber to bisect several other mecha, Mitsurugi shuddering and moaning under him.

That felt…way too good. But if it were Darkness doing the moaning…or Chris or Megumin…or Aqua…

The half chub Kazuma had been developing instantly died at the thought of Aqua moaning and rubbing up against him, and he breathed a heavy sigh of relief. He definitely wasn’t in to Mitsurugi, or his muscular ass, or well toned thighs, or-

“DAMN YOU ALL TO HELLLLLLLLL!” Kazuma screamed, and threw himself and Mitsurugi against the enemy with wild abandon, even bum rushing a whole horde of foes, laser fire pinging off the armor as missiles exploded around him and shrapnel bounced off the sides.

“K-Kazuma! I can feel that! Please, be gentle, I do not wish to die as we aaaaa~!” Mitsurugi groaned and rubbed against Kazuma in the most infuriating fashion. He had to keep going. He had to kill them all, kill them before-

“KAZUMA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

Something slammed into Kazuma from behind and tackled him to the ground, shaking him so badly that he was knocked senseless for a moment. When he came to, Darkness’ mecha was standing over him, shielding him from concentrated firepower on all sides, while Chris covered them with some rather fancy footwork, the rest of the knights forming up behind them in their mecha as the two sides slugged it out with both long ranged firepower and beam sabers.

All around Kazuma, there were dozens of mecha down on both sides. Ruined farmland and buildings was all around them, with the air choked with dust and smoke. Now that he was paying attention and his head had stopped ringing, he realized that both Sena and Darkness were shouting at him in various states of distress and concern. He muted Sena, because screw her but not that way, and focused on Darkness.

“-supposed to be your shield! That was foolish and reckless! You might be more powerful than the average mecha, but when you broke your line you nearly got yourself killed, and now we’re over extended!” Darkness was ranting.

“You’re just jealous I got beat up and you didn’t,” Kazuma groaned, and prodded Mitsurugi. “Come on. Back on your feet.”

“I…I am not ready for another round yet. I am too sore,” Mitsurugi moaned, but did manage to get the mecha back up.

“Shit. My armor really is shot, and my energy is almost spent,” Kazuma grunted, looking at the readouts. “I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

“You’re not the one taking it!” Mitsurugi protested, but Kazuma steadfastly ignored him.

“Is he OK?” Megumin’s voice came over the radio, sounding rather concerned.

“He’ll live,” Darkness said grimly, wincing as another missile impacted her mecha as she continued to shield Kazuma.

“GOOD BECAUSE I’M GOING TO KILL HIM!” Megumin snarled. “THAT WAS STUPID! I WAS SUPPOSED TO SOFTEN THEM UP BEFORE YOU CHARGED IN! NOW HOW CAN THEY WITNESS THE GLORY OF THE WAVE MOTION EXPLOSION CANNON!?”

“Of course that’s what you’re worried about,” Kazuma muttered. He unmuted Sena, who was having a minor panic attack, and spoke over her, “Right, controller lady, where’s Wolbach?”

“How could you abuse your uke like this!? You are the worst-”

“If you finish that sentence I’m calling off this war to strap you to this mecha and use you as a baseball bat! Now where is Wolbach!” Kazuma snarled.

“Ugh, command signals are up over that ridge. And there’s…oh. Um, you may want to run.”

“Let me guess, massive power build up?” Kazuma sighed.

“Er, yes. I, ah, was a bit distracted, so, uh-”

“So you’re a hypocrite who’s just as dumb and horny as Darkness but you’re uglier and meaner about it,” Kazuma snapped. “Megumin! Chris! Darkness! Wolbach is charging her lasers up atop that ridge! We’re sitting ducks for her big gun now!”

“Dammit all, Kazuma! This is what you get for thinking with your dick!” Chris snapped back. “Ugh, I can’t disengage, if I do they’ll swarm us! We’re pinned!”

“Kazuma is too damaged to break their lines again. I could do it but…” Darkness trailed off, and Kazuma understood her meaning all too well. If she did, most of the knights, and probably Kazuma too, would be dead.

“Clearly, it is time for the heroine of the hour to arise,” Megumin said, and stepped forward. Her main cannon began to glow, and she pointed it uphill. “Witness now the work of the FOREMOST GENIUS of the Crimson Pirate Clan!”

“Uh, Chris, might wanna pull back,” Kazuma said.

“Way ahead of you,” Chris said from behind him, and Kazuma was shocked to see her crouching down behind him. “Go get ‘em tiger.”

Before Megumin could step up to the line though, Wolbach’s mecha appeared above them.

“So, you still defy me, my former apprentice?” Wolbach’s voice boomed down, her own wave motion gun glowing with power. “You still cling to these foolish humans who scorned both of us?”

“A Crimson Pirate never does evil, always walking the path of righteousness and using their might for good!” Megumin shot back.

“...you know, someone really needs to sit you people down and explain exactly what a pirate really is,” Wolbach sighed.

“A hero for hire who never fails in deeds of daring do and always gets the treasure through SUPERIOR FIREPOWER!” Megumin roared, the oversized Wave Motion Explosion Cannon on her chest opening up wide and igniting with crimson light. “FACE ME NOW, WOLBACH!”

“She’s going to get us all killed!” Kazuma cried, even as Wolbach’s own cannon whined with power.

“WITNESS NOW THE LIGHT OF THE VOID!” Megumin shouted, posing her mecha dramatically.

“This is the end for you, humans!” Wolbach declared, taking her own dramatic pose as her troops suddenly realized that anywhere but here would be a good place to be, and took off at a dead run.

“Kazuma, quickly, end the fusion!” Darkness urged, gripping his mecha’s shoulder. “We have to-”

“Where’s the off button!?” Kazuma wailed, looking around frantically. “We’re done here!”

“Was…was it good for you too?” Mitsurugi sighed, and suddenly relaxed. The fusion finally ended, and Kazuma found himself in Darkness’s massive hand, his mecha slumped slightly.

In the background, Megumin continued her insane chant. “I CALL FORTH THE ECHO OF CREATION, THE MOMENT OF DESTRUCTION FROM WHICH ALL LIFE COMES AND WILL GO!”

“Now, Kazuma, we have to shield everyone! I must be their shield!” Darkness urged.

“Yeah I just…I’m worn out,” Kazuma admitted, looking at his mecha’s energy reading. “Where’s Aqua when you need her?”

“WAVE MOTION-”

“Kazuma, don’t think about Aqua, think about how huge Darkness’ tits are!” Chris urged. “As big as your head! In the palm of your hand!”

Kazuma closed his eyes, willing it to work, and slammed the button again. Somehow, it actually managed to activate, and he found himself above Darkness this time, with her strapped down on the table instead of him for once.

“Oh, now it works properly!” Kazuma grumbled.

“No time! Shield everyone, hurry!” Darkness begged. “I can take it!”

“Crazy masochist,” Kazuma chuckled, and brought up the mecha’s massive shield, forming a barrier between them and the coming cataclysm.

“-CANNON!  FIRE!” Megumin and Wolbach screamed as one, and the world went white. Darkness shouted for joy as the blast wave hit her, and Kazuma grunted in pain as the shockwave passed through him, making his organs feel like they’d been slapped.

By the time his vision cleared some moments later, he was laying alone in the Gurren on the ground, with his ears still ringing. He slowly managed to get up, and looked around the battlefield. There was a clear line where Darkness’s barrier had stood: In front of it, the ground had been turned to glass, then blasted to bits by the massive collision of two Wave Motion Explosion Cannons. Behind the barrier though, the knights and their mecha lay on the ground, groaning and in pain, but mostly intact.

“Darkness?” Kazuma croaked. “Are you?”

“Mmmmm. That was…nice,” Darkness sighed in his ear. Her image popped up on his screen, with her hair sweaty and tousled, her uniform in disarray with the zipper undone to her navel, her breasts nearly popping out. She was slumped in her seat, eyes closed and a beatific smile on her face. “Did…did I save everyone?”

“You did great, beautiful. We’re alive. I think,” Kazuma said, managing to get the Gurren on its feet. “Chris?”

“‘M OK. Mostly. I think. Ow,” Chris complained, getting to one knee and managing to give Kazuma a thumbs up.

“Hehe. He called me beautiful. Oooo, that is the sort of humiliation…I enjoy…” Darkness sighed. Then she started snoring.

“I guess it was good for her then,” Kazuma chuckled. He looked around, then felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. “MEGUMIN!”

In moments, both Kazuma and Chris were scouring the battlefield, frantically looking for any sign of Megumin or her mecha. They found the burned out husk of the mecha implanted in the side of a hill several hundred meters away, but when Kazuma scrambled out of the Gurren, he found that it was empty.

“Where could she be?!” Kazuma cried, looking around frantically. Their foes were apparently all destroyed utterly, but what about Megumin? How had she even-

“BW-AH-HA-HA-HA! BEHOLD! THE FOREMOST GENIUS OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN AND TRUE MISTRESS OF DESTRUCTION, SHE WHO WIELDS THE WAVE MOTION EXPLOSION CANNON WITH MASTERY ABOVE ALL OTHERS!”

Kazuma spun just in time to see Megumin, posing atop the ruin of Wolbach’s mecha, a small black object held above her head in both hands, wild grin on her face.

“Megumin!” Chris cried, and jumped out of her own mecha, running over to nearly tackle the other girl in a hug, which nearly sent whatever it was Megumin was holding flying. “You’re alive, you crazy maniac! You did it!”

“Hmph, yes, I did,” Megumin said, frowning at Chris as she was squeezed tightly. “No so hard, I think I bruised a rib.”

Kazuma came forward and stood there somewhat awkwardly, uncertain of what to do. That is, until Chris grabbed him and dragged him into the hug. “See, we were both angry at you because we thought you were dead. That was pretty amazing.”

“Oh? How many points would you give that?” Megumin asked, glancing at Kazuma and awkwardly putting one arm around him, the other clutching the thing she had in the crook of her arm.

He gave her a squeeze back and smiled. “At least 1000. You did kill the big boss.”

“HA! ONE THOUSAND POINTS! TRULY I AM THE VICTOR THIS DAY!” Megumin cackled.

Kazuma and Chris exchanged a look, then grabbed Megumin. Kazuma gave her a noogie, rubbing his knuckles along her scalp with her in a headlock, while Chris relentlessly tickled Megumin.

“YOU INSANE IDIOT, YOU ALMOST KILLED US ALL!” Kazuma ranted as Megumin squirmed and squawked.

“You moron, I thought you were dead in some stupid act of selfless heroism that was totally pointless!” Chris hissed.

“HA HA, OW! HA, AH, STOP IT!” Megumin wheezed, trying to wiggle out of the attack. “I really did bruise a-”

“NYAAAAAA!”

A small black furry shape darted out of Megumin’s elbow, then began to dash across the scorched ground.

“NOOOOO! My prize! Don’t let her get away!” Megumin wailed. Kazuma and Chris let her go, and Megumin dashed after the…cat?

Whatever it was, it was about the size of a kitten, with a long tail and two black wings. Megumin snatched the cat-thing up, holding it up to her face and grinning. “Now I am the master! Ha! You cannot escape me!”

“HSSSSSSS!” said the cat.

“Weird. What is that thing? Where did you get it?” Kazuma asked, coming over and frowning at it. There was a red marking on the cat-things forehead, though aside from that and the wings it did look like a small cat.

“Thing? Thing!? I am no thing! You continue to de-person anyone that isn’t human, fool!” the cat snarled.

“Oh hell. Megumin, please tell me that isn’t what I think it is,” Chris sighed, putting her head in her hands.

“Oh shut up, Eris. You really are the goddess of discord. You and Aqua were always causing problems and fraternizing with the mortals instead of DOING YOUR JOBS!” the cat raged.

“HEY! That thing with the apple was just a prank, and it’s not my fault some people took it the wrong way!” Chris argued, sticking her finger in the cat’s face. Which was then scorched when the cat shot out a jet of flame.

“OW OW OW!” Chris wailed, blowing on her finger.

Kazuma studied the cat more carefully, tilting his head. “Is that…Wolbach?”

“Of course it is! Just because I have been diminished in defeat doesn’t make me any less who I am!” Wolbach the cat hissed.

“No. She is my familiar. Chomusuke,” Megumin said smugly. “I’m going to get her a red ribbon and a bell to wear on her neck.”

“NYAAAAAA!” Wolbach snarled, and tried to bite and scratch at Megumin, only for her to be suddenly grabbed by the scruff of the neck, causing her to dangle limply like a kitten.

“Ha! My power is too great for you!” Megumin chortled.

“You know, they say there’s more than one way to skin a cat,” Chris said darkly, holding her burned hand and glaring at Wolbach. “I don’t suppose we could test out a few.”

“No! Chomusuke is my pet! You can’t skin her,” Megumin said, clutching the suddenly stiff and calm Wolbach to her breast. “How could you harm such an adorable creature?”

“I don’t buy it,” Kazuma said, folding his arms over his chest. Since when was Megumin into cutesy stuff?

“Uh, meow,” Wolbach coughed, sounding rather unconvincing.

“Besides, I have not yet extracted all her knowledge. While I have surpassed Wolbach in many ways, she is an experienced weapons engineer. I will force her to tell me more on how to improve the Wave Motion Explosion Cannon, and how to further enhance the fusion with Kazuma to allow my power to soar to ever greater heights!”

Nodding, Kazuma sighed. “That sounds more like it.”

“Well…if Wolbach has to spend eternity trapped in this form…” Chris rubbed her chin, then shrugged.

“Eternity!? I just reverted to this because the damn girl shoved a cat in my face and I was dying! It was take on this host or-”

Wolbach trailed off as Kazuma and Chris glared at her.

“You know, if we’d captured Wolbach, she’d probably be executed. Very painfully,” Kazuma commented.

“On the other hand, Megumin’s pet cat Chomusuke has no reason to be burned at the stake,” Chris agreed. She smiled sweetly at Wolbach. “Your choice.”

Wolbach glared furiously at them, then looked at the smugly grinning Megumin. She let out a heavy sigh.

“Meow,” Chomusuke the cat said, looking like she’d just eaten a lemon.

The Melancholy of Kazuma Sato, Chapter 49

“I can’t believe we’re actually doing this!” Haruhi said, her cheeks flushed and rosy, a huge grin on her face. She was dressed in her leather jerkin and skirt, yellow ribbons in her hair, SOS Brigade Chief armband at the ready. A katana rode at her hip and she had her stomping boots on.

“I can’t believe we’re doing this,” Kyon sighed, rubbing his face with his hand, a heavy sigh escaping his lips. He was dressed in a simple tunic and trousers, and had on a heavy pack with pots, pans, and a sleeping pad tied to it, along with a walking stick and a dagger, which Haruhi looked at skeptically.

“Don’t you want a better weapon, Kyon? What about an axe, or a mace! The smithy has plenty of them, and they’re magic.”

“No thanks. I don’t know how to use them, and I spent the skill points I did have on being able to carry more gear and survival skills,” Kyon said, shaking his head. “I don’t need something that weighs me down. Besides, Yuki has us covered.”

For her part, Yuki was looking rather out of place in her school uniform, though she did have both a great ax and a falchion strapped to her back, along with a two handed warmaul just for style. The lone concession she had in regards to her wardrobe was that Kyon had absolutely insisted that her sneakers were inappropriate for cross country hiking. Yuki had swapped them out for a sturdy pair of boots, though who knew what difference that would make.

For her part, Mikuru was dressed in a miko’s robes, complete with nine-ringed staff with the symbol of the SOS brigade in the center hoop. It wasn’t the “improved” version that Haruhi had suggested, and was instead fairly modest and practical instead of making her look like a stripper.

As for the other three…

“Look, I told you, we can’t just bring a gallon of booze on the trip, I don’t care WHO gave it to you!” Kazuma said, taking out two very large bottles of wine from Aqua’s pack as she looked on aghast.

“B-but it was a gift from Yunyun! And Iris! They’re our friends, how could I leave them behind?!” Aqua protested.

“The booze or them? Because I ain’t opposed to Yunyun coming along on this little trip. She’s a freaking archmage!” Kazuma argued.

“Hmph. There is only room in this party for one archmage! And it is I, MEGUMIN, Foremost Genius of the Crimson Demon Clan, Mistress of Explosion Magic, and she who has slain one Devil Queen and vanquished another!”

“I think you’ll find that I was the one who killed the first Devil King, thank you very much!” Kazuma said, buffing his knuckles on his tunic.

Aqua hastily picked up one bottle of wine and tried to pop the cork, only to have Yunyun take it out of her hands.

“Um, I’ll just save it for when you get back, OK?” the Director of the Open Air Insane Asylum said.

Kyon could still see where her argument with one of her supposed friends had resulted in three houses burning down. You could only tell because of the six massive earthen golems who were in the process of building three new houses. They were already halfway done. He half wondered if the Crimson Demons could make a killing in the construction industry back home, but decided it probably wouldn’t be worth the drama.

“I can’t come. Queen Iris wants the Crimson Demons to aid in defending the heartland from the invading monsters, as the Royal Guard and army are still exhausted. A-and the Crimson Demons will answer the call,” Yunyun said firmly. Then she gave Megumin a hug. “Come back, OK?”

Megumin stiffened slightly, but then returned Yunyun’s hug, giving the other woman a squeeze. “I did the last two times. Why do you think you have to worry about me?”

“I just do, OK?” Yunyun said, brushing away some tears and letting Megumin go. “T-take care of her, Goddess Haruhi.”

“Of course! She’s a member of the SOS Brigade now, and the SOS Brigade never leaves a member behind!” Haruhi declared, posing heroically with her hand on her sword hilt, one foot planted atop a rock.

“You really do fit in here too well,” Kyon muttered to himself. To his surprise, Yuki’s head bobbed ever so slightly, and a slight smile quirked on her lips. Perhaps even she recognized that the Crimson Demons were just as out to lunch as their fearless leader.

“Then go now, intrepid heroes! May the Crimson Eye of Destiny watch over you!” Yunyun declared, flinging back her cloak and summoning a dramatic wind to make it flutter in the breeze.

The villagers all cheered, and Kyon shouldered his pack and trudged forward as Haruhi led them dramatically onward. For a few minutes, Kyon trudged forward, keeping an eye out on his surroundings. Slowly, however, a smile spread over his face. Thanks to his Pack Bearer skill (learned from Kazuma) along with the Endurance skill (also learned from Kazuma) he could haul a 50 kilo pack like his for hours without tiring in the slightest. And, well…

“We really are on an adventure. Just like Lief Erikson off to see the new world,” Kyon muttered.

The land they were walking through was forested hills, not much different than what he would have seen in the Japanese countryside. There was an abundance of pine and conifer trees, mixed in with what he thought were oaks, firs, and juniper. The path was narrow and winding, going around hills and over small creeks, the trough meadows willed with tall grass and wildflowers. There were various birds, none of which Kyon recognized, not that he was much of an ornithologist. He spotted a few small shapes in the undergrowth scurrying along and plenty of insects, but nothing dangerous as far as he could tell.

Yuko nodded slightly. “It is similar to the circumstances in many of the novels I have read.”

“Yeah, it’s one thing to read about stuff like this, I guess it’s another to live it,” Kyon mused. He glanced at Yuki, who plodded along in serenity at his side. “Are you having fun?”

“I am with you,” Yuki answered. It was a bit tautological, but it brought a warm glow to Kyon’s heart. After a moment’s consideration, he held out his hand, and Yuki took it. He figured if anything dangerous DID attack, she’d know before anyone else did.

After nearly an hour of walking, Haruhi called a halt and made everyone take out their waterskins for a long drink. “Phew. How much progress have we made? We had to come at least a couple kilometers! Are there any dangerous monsters nearby?”

“The woods around the Crimson Demon Village are home to the fiercest of beasts!” Megumin declared, raising her staff and putting on an eyepatch. “It is a miracle we have not already been assaulted by all manner of foes, such as One Punch Bears, salamanders, and Brorillas!”

“Alright, where are they!?” Haruhi demanded. “Come on, Mikuru and Yuki! Let’s see if we can find one!”

“What about me?” Kyon said in irritation, then glanced at Aqua and Kazuma, who were just sitting and chatting. Make that arguing.

“-telling you that he was just a stupid chicken!”

“No, he was a brave and fierce dragon! I know if we could find Emperor Zel, he’d be a great help in our quest!”

“As a plate of chicken nuggets, maybe.”

“Don’t you dare, Kazuma! He’s my pet! AND HE’S NOT A CHICKEN!”

…whatever THAT was about.

“You didn’t take any combat skills, Kyon! If you were really serious about this, you’d at least have picked up a ranged build or something,” Haruhi told him.

Kyon glanced at Yuki, who had silently gone to stand beside Haruhi as she quite literally beat at the bushes with her scabbarded sword. Mikuru winced in the background, clutching her staff and trembling slightly. Sighing, Kyon set down his backpack, then dug out a first aid kit.

“What’s that for?” Aqua asked him, forgetting her inane argument with Kazuma.

“In case someone is hurt, obviously. Anyone feeling any heat patches or blisters? I managed to get some ointment and moleskin, though no one seemed to understand why. You’d think in a village of arch wizards that like to blow up each other’s houses, they’d have good first aid kits around.”

“Why would we need something as mundane as that?” Megumin asked, frowning. “We’d just drink a potion. Or if it was really bad, teleport to the capitol and get an archpriest. Like the time Bukkoroii accidentally blew off his own arm right after he graduated.”

“Geeze, did you manage to save the arm?” Kyon asked, feeling a bit faint at the thought. That couldn’t happen to Yuki or Mikuru, right?

“Huh? Oh, yeah, he thought about getting a prosthetic and had one for a few days, but he said it itched so he went to the Cathedral of Eris and had it grown back,” Megumin said with a shrug.

“Should have gone to MY cathedral,” Aqua muttered.

“No one wants to deal with the Axis Cult if they didn’t have to,” Kazuma said with a shake of his head. “Look, we’ve got two healers in the party, and one of them is literally a goddess of healing. You might think she’s only good at party tricks, but Aqua’s put me back together more times than I care to count, and she never screwed it up once.”

That made Aqua puff out her chest. “That’s right! I’m better than any first aid kit!”

Kyon frowned and put a protective hand on the kit. “Hey! I had to go through hell to get this, and you never know when it will be useful. What if we’re separated, or-”

“What the hell are these!? Hey, Kazuma, Aqua, what are these little things?”

Kyon turned to see Haruhi squatting over what looked like small purple blobs on the ground, poking them with a stick, while Mikuru fluttered about looking panicked, and Yuki held one in her hand, head cocked to one side.

“Grape! Grape!” the little things said.

“Wild grapes,” the trio of more experienced adventurers said in a chorus.

“They’re sweet and yummy, and can turn into bubbly!” Aqua explained.

“They’re pretty common around here. Komekko and I used to gather them as snacks,” Megumin added.

“Better smack them fast, or they’ll bite,” Kazuma advised.

“What? Are these really grapes? That’s so weird! But they’re moving around like KYAAAAA!!!!”

Haruhi let out a scream as one of the grapes bit her stick in half, then six of them jumped her and started biting at her skin. Yuki immediately crushed the grape in her hand, then whirled on Haruhi, hands flying in a blur. In a moment, there were six purple stains on Haruhi’s new clothing, and some very dead grapes.

“Ow,” Haruhi said, wincing and looking at the small bite marks on her arm. “Well, I guess you guys weren’t kidding when you said the plants were out to get us.”

“Ha! See, now who’s dumb for bringing a first aid kit?” Kyon asked, pulling out some ointment and bandages.

“H-Heal!” Mirkuru said, putting her hand on Haruhi’s arm. There was a warm yellow glow, and a moment later, all traces of the very minor injury were gone, save for the grape juice stains. Those never come out.

“You are,” Kazuma said bluntly.

“It’s a complete waste of space,” Megumin agreed.

“I mean, we could use the bandages to make something cute?” Aqua suggested.

Kyon tossed the stupid thing in the bushes.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Sasaki supposed that she now knew how Kyon had felt all this time. She’d never had to talk to her past self before, but this was a really surreal experience. Especially when her past self was a giant death robot.

“Do you think they’ll let us go outside soon?” Kiriko said wistfully, the glowing red of her optics peering through the grate between their cells.

“Maybe,” Sasaki said. She didn’t remember getting to go outside if she were honest. Just her mother coming to play with her and talk with her. Though she was becoming increasingly certain that neither of them had known their relationship. She half suspected that her mother didn’t realize she had a child at all. Which was odd, but she was very kind to both of the prisoners.

“I want to pick flowers. Would you pick flowers with me? I’ve always wanted to make a daisy chain and put it on my sister’s head. You could be my sister!” Kiriko said, sounding wistful and nostalgic.

A lump formed in Sasaki’s throat, and a memory of her doing just that with Haruhi when they had both been young girls popped into her head. Their families had taken a trip to the mountains together, where her Uncle Kazuma had gotten into a competition with her father to see who could catch the biggest and most fish. It was actually one of the few times she’d seen her dad actually get competitive and lose at something, as somehow Kazuma not only had caught the biggest fish, but he’d also caught exactly one more than her father had. He’d quietly fumed for days, though he’d congratulated Kazuma calmly enough. He’d gone fishing every weekend for a month to “improve his technique.”

Though now that Sasaki thought about it, the fact that her uncle seemed to have married a literal goddess of water probably had something to do with it. She did recall aunty Thalia giving Kazuma his bait, and “calling” the fish. Sasaki probably hadn’t helped when she’d thrown rocks in the lake, but she’d also been six. She’d cried a little when her uncle had fileted his fish, and made her dad let all of his go to his bemusement. She’d thought the trout were cute, though Haruhi had been delighted to help clean her family’s catch.

“It’d be fun. We could go fishing too,” Sasaki said quietly.

“I don’t know, I don’t like hurting animals, even fish,” Kiriko said hesitantly.

“We would let them go after,” Sasaki promised, feeling a lump in her throat.

“Oh, that’s alright then! But doesn’t it hurt the fish? I wouldn’t want to be pulled into another world by strangers and left to flop around,” Kiriko sighed.

Sometimes Sasaki wondered if life enjoyed kicking her in the gut or if she was just special like that.

Before she could try to formulate a response to her more innocent self, the door opened up. She looked up, expecting Ristarte, but instead found her father standing there. It was odd, looking at him 20 years in the past. Even in her hazy memories of this time, she’d pictured her parents as they were at the time: middle aged, in their 30s or 40s, though in fantastic shape. Here, her father was a teenager the same age as she was, though he still looked like a professional athlete instead of anyone normal.

It made her realize just how young and out of their depth her parents were. Even her mother, a supposedly immortal and ageless goddess, acted more like the girls at her school than anything else. She was also obviously incredibly down bad for her father, which was both sweet and disgusting to watch. While she figured her parents still loved one another, they were nowhere near this sickening. Though her father here seemed…cold. Like he didn’t care about her mother at all. That was almost worse than her mother’s clear crush.

“Mr. Seiya!” Kirko said happily. “Can we go outside? Please? We won’t cause problems?”

Seiya stiffened slightly, and he regarded Kiriko for a moment. “It’s dangerous outside. You’re safer here.”

“Aww. But I promise not to hurt anyone…” Kiriko said, her tone like that of a whining child. Which, really, she was. Despite being a giant death robot.

Seiya ignored Kirko and stepped forward. He had dark circles under his eyes, and Sasaki wondered just what he’d been doing to lose sleep. Probably training. The maniac was always getting up before dawn to exercise.

“Come with me,” Seiya declared, and turned around on his heels.

Sighing, Sasaki got up, dusting off her dress. “I’ll be back, Kiriko. Maybe they’ll let me bring you a flower.”

“Ok! See you!” Kiriko called happily. How could she be happy in such a miserable place? Sasaki wanted to cry.

Jogging to catch up to Seiya through the underground passages, Sasaki looked around. She’d been let out before, usually to be questioned, but it had been a few days since anything but food had appeared in her room. “So do you believe us yet? Can we get out? We want to help you!”

Seiay didn’t respond, though his jaw did tighten. He was chewing on his tongue, Sasaki knew. Her dad always did that when he was furious. Usually about something she’d done. Or hadn’t.

“Fine, be that way,” Sasaki huffed. “You never want to talk anyway.”

She half missed a step when Seiya’s head snapped around, and cringed slightly. She thought fast, and added something her mother said when her father was being especially taciturn, “Boys never want to talk. Would it kill you to actually express your emotions instead of just grunting and glaring like a gorilla?!”

This time, Seiya came to a full stop, and turned to face Sasaki. She made herself stand up straight, and puffed her chest out. She really was envious of her mother at the moment. Life just wasn’t fair. Granted, Ristarte seemed to be a whole cup size bigger than her mother, which didn’t make sense. Had she had breast reduction surgery or something?

“Where did you hear that?” Seiya asked, his voice flat and dangerous.

Sasaki almost said, “It’s something my mother says,” but instead huffed, “I dunno, a movie or something? Now are you going to talk to me or just grunt and flex like a musclebrained fool?”

“We shall see.” Seiya turned again and stalked down the corridor, his hand flexing in that manner they did when he was agitated. Sasaki walked after him very slowly, uncertain of what she was coming to.

After a bit, she came to a room guarded by several golems, who stepped aside for Seiya. When she approached, they blocked her.

“INTRUDER DETECTED.”

“Password: The Righteous General Returns,” Seiya stated. “She is given clearance this one time.”

“PASSWORD ACCEPTED. YOU MAY PASS.”

“Paranoid maniac,” Sasaki muttered, shivering as Seiya opened the door and ushered her inside.

Within the room, Sasaki found an older woman kneeling by a bed, holding the occupants hand while she dabbed at the fevered forehead. The woman looked vaguely familiar, though Sasaki had never seen her before. The one on the bed though-

“MOM!” Sasaki screamed. She couldn’t help herself. Ristarte at that moment looked just like her mother. Her face haggard and worn, her hair lank and sweaty, clinging to her face, while her chest rose and fell in labored breathing. Sasaki was at her side in an instant, tears streaming down her face, clutching her mother’s hand. “Mom, it’s OK, I’m here.”

Ristarte’s eyes fluttered open, feverish and dazed. “W-who…?”

“It’s me,” Sasaki whispered, and swallowed. “Kiriko.”

The woman across from Sasaki gasped, and she heard a thump, but ignored it. How could this be happening? She didn’t remember her mother being sick and dying! Just that there had been a time she hadn’t come to see her in the dungeon, but she had known they were off fighting the Devil King or something. How did this happen?

“Well. I suppose that explains a great deal.”

Sasaki blinked, then felt a dawning sense of horror. She let her mother’s hand slip through her fingers, and she sat back hard. Trembling, she hugged herself, bowing her head. “Y-you bastard. You tricked me. Is she even sick?”

Please. Please let her not be sick.

“She’s dying. She’s been cursed by Vengeful Empress Celemonic. And she will die in less than a day,” Seiya said. His voice cracked, and Sasaki looked up in shock. Tears were trickling down his face, but there was a look of pure rage on it that made her shrivel up in horror.

“Who sent you? What trick is this?” Seiya hissed, kneeling down, his eyes burning with fury. “You are not my daughter. Her soul is in the machine. I have worked so hard to find-”

Seiya cut himself off, bowing his head for a moment. When he looked up, his eyes were cold. Calculating. But still full of anger. “Your masters have miscalculated. If I thought the life of Kiriko was no longer in danger, I would not hesitate to kill Ultimaeus and every one of his followers. All that stays my hand is- no. I will not be a fool who tells you his plans.”

The strange woman spoke up, her voice trembling. “Seiya, please, this girl, is she-”

“Not now, Carmilla,” Seiya said flatly

But Sasaki’s head whipped around, her eyes going wide. The word was torn from her throat before she knew what she was saying. “Grandma?!”

“It can’t be,” Carmilla gasped, her hand going to her chest. But she was. Sasaki could see herself, see her mother in the woman’s features. She’d only rarely heard her mother speak of her grandmother, who was supposedly long dead, but Sasaki had no real memory of her. But now…

“But you’re dead,” Sasaki whispered, then clutched at her head. No! No! She had time traveled before, briefly, and now she was making every mistake in the book! She was going to doom them all!

“Oh child. It was you I thought dead,” Carmilla gasped, bursting into tears and hurrying around the bed to scoop Sasaki into her arms. “You and Tiana…I didn’t even think she was pregnant when she…but of course. I should have known…”

Sasaki just cried for a few minutes with Carmilla. She vaguely saw Seiya holding Ristarte’s hand, his face a mask of pain. She thought she heard him mutter, “Not again. I can’t lose you again. Please.”

Throughout it all, Ristarte was clearly delirious, wracked by pain and fever as she groaned softly.

“She’s a goddess. How can a curse affect her?” Sasaki finally managed, drying her face on her sleeves and coating them in snot and tears.

“This world is twisted. She took what was meant for me,” Seiya said, his voice disgusted. “Even a goddess can be destroyed by this curse. You said you were a priestess of some sort. I had hoped you could have some small chance of breaking it. But no. I will find a way.”

“My dear sir. It sounds like you need…a friend. A friend like moi.”

Seiya was up even before the voice had finished speaking. A blazing sword appeared in his hands from nowhere, slicing towards the neck of the bowing man in the pinstripe suit and mask who had walked out of the shadows.

Vanir blocked the blade with two fingers.

“Tsk tsk, young man. Is that anyway to greet a guest?” Vanir chuckled, straightening up and smiling broadly. “Moi is here with a most charming offer.”

“Yeah, I was bored anyway.” From behind Vanir, Komekko walked, one cheek puffed out as she chewed on something. A plate of cookies, by what she had tucked under one arm. She swallowed, then shoved another cookie into her mouth before proffering one. “Want one? It’s free.”

“Demon,” Seiya snarled, the veins in his neck bulging as he strained against Vanir’s block. “I am perfectly prepared! This room-”

“Yeah you put like, a lot of enchantments on it. And my prison. But I’ve been breaking the most complex and convoluted protective spells made by a bunch of mad geniuses who are way more creative and nasty than you since I was able to walk,” Komekko said with a shrug, popping the cookie in her mouth and talking as crumbs dribbled onto her dress.

“Dad, I mean, Seiya, wait! Maybe she can help mo- Tiana- I mean- ARGH!” Sasaki strode forward and glared at Komekko. “Can you help her or not!?”

Komekko grinned widely. “Of course we can.”

Seiya didn’t lower his blade, but he did take a step back, if only to prepare for another swing. “You can save Ristarte?”

“Sure! It’s simple. That’s an unbreakable death curse,” Komekko agreed, swallowing and reaching for another cookie. “You know how to break it, Vanir?”

“Even for a duke of hell, such a thing is not possible,” Vanir sighed, swooning dramatically. “Perhaps this goddess could, were she at full strength, but alas! Only a divine spell could do so.”

A sudden surge of hope struck Sasaki. “But I’m a goddess! I’m her daughter!”

Seiya blinked, then looked at her out of the corner of his eye, not taking his eye off of Komekko and Vanir. “You really are…but how?”

“Time travel is stupid and I hate it,” Sasaki said with venom.

“Now that opens up interesting tactical possibilities,” Seiya mused.

“Dad, shut up. For once, think about something other than your stupid training!” Sasaki snapped. “Mom’s dying!”

Seiya nodded slowly. “If you are an actress, you’re very committed.”

“You’re the one that should be committed,” Sasaki snapped back.

Vanir coughed. “Moi senses time is critical. Now, to our deal…”

“You said you couldn’t break it,” Seiya said, readying himself to attack again. “There is no deal. If…if this girl can, then we don’t need you.”

“Oh, but you do. Because you see…she’s not a full goddess in this time,” Komekko said, grinning broadly and showing off her chocolate stained teeth. They were rather sharper than they should have been.

“Because mom’s still a goddess,” Sasaki said slowly. She turned her head, frowning. “But she wasn’t when I…hold on. I thought she lost her divinity because she and dad…you know…”

“We have not. Precisely because that would happen,” Seiya said firmly. “She is not my Tiana. She is-”

Sasaki tried to kick her dad in the shin, but he blocked it so that she stubbed her toe.

“YES SHE IS! YOU KNOW SHE IS! WHY DON’T YOU SAY YOU IT TO HER ONCE IN A WHILE YOU ASSHOLE!”

Pain flashed over Seiya’s face, then cold rage. “I have to be perfectly prepared. Or she… I will not survive this.”

“ARGH!” Sasaki threw up her hands in sheer frustration. “WHATEVER! Ristarte, what do we have to do to save her!? If she dies…she’s my mom! And if she dies before I’m born will I even exist!? What about the other me!? How do I stop being a robot! I hate this place, I just want to go home and see my parents! Even if they are here this isn’t them!”

“S-seiya?” a quiet voice rasped

Instantly, Seiya was at Ristarte’s side. “It’s OK. Everything’s gonna be alright.”

A sad smile crossed Risarte’s lips. “H-help me sit up…I think…I think I was wrong…that girl…she’s not just a Crimson Demon.”

“Oh no,” Komekko agreed. “I’m the Devil Queen of Belzerg. Which means I’m at least ten times more awesome than this poser you have here.”

“I knew it,” Seiya growled, and he held his sword up in a warding gesture. “GOLEMS! Get ready to-”

“Thy golems are currently…non-functional,” Vanir tisked. “Moi did not wish for us to be interrupted.”

“Super basic stuff. Like, you didn’t even properly weave the mana into the cores to let them resist take over by soul bonding them,” Komekko said, sounding disgusted.

Seiya hesitated. “You can…do that?’

“Sure, Crimson Demon secret. It does make them more eccentric and prone to personality disorders, but that just makes them cooler!” Komekko laughed.

“That sounds like a bug,” Seiya said, his eyes narrowing.

“To her that would be a feature,” Sasaki sighed.

“Enough.”

The voice was quiet, but full of command. Carmilla stood up, and went over to Kommekko. “I don’t care who you are. I lost my daughter once. I can’t bear to do it again. What is your price, Demon?”

“Oh, that’s simple.” Komekko’s grin grew enormous. “You just have to give me a really awesome meal.”

Author's Note:

Thank you all for being patient with me in this time. I'm feeling a little better, but am still down pretty sick. I've managed to get more writing done, and I had Haruhi on the brain. This story is actually pretty darn near to completion now, so that will be a big load off my plate when it does get there.

The Melancholy of Kazuma Sato, Chapter 48

The heavy pounding on Kazuma’s door at precisely the crack of dawn caused him to put a pillow over his head and snarl something profane, while Kyon moaned and rubbed his face in the bed next to Kazuma.

“Dammit Haruhi, what time is it even?”

“Time waits for no man, Kyon!” the eternally annoying and chipper voice of the nascent goddess declared, slightly muffled by the thick wooden door. “We have a Devil King to slay! So Carpe Diem and let us sally forth!”

“I’d rather Carpe Nocturne,” Kazuma complained, trying to snuggle deeper into the blankets and pillows.

“It should really be Carpe Sonumn, unless you mean to start our supposedly intrepid adventure at night,” Kyon remarked, shifting to swing his legs over the side of the bed.

Kazuma had to admit he’d sort of missed thick mattresses and western style beds. Futons and mats on the floor were properly Japanese and all, but there was just something decadent and luxurious about a feather mattress and four poster bed. Even if he did have to share the bed with Kyon. He could think of more appealing bedmates…

“You snore, you know,” Kazuma told Kyon, as Haruhi continued to bang on the door.

“So do you,” Kyon said, pulling on a tunic and fumbling with the straps and buttons.

“Kyon! Make Kazuma get up! Or I’ll start calling him dad again! And trust me, I know how to drive my dad crazy!”

“That’s because you drive everyone crazy,” Kyon snapped back. “Especially me!”

“I do not! Do I drive everyone crazy, Yuki?” Haruhi asked.

“Data inconclusive,” Yuki’s much softer voice said.

“Does she drive YOU crazy, Yuki?” Kazuma demanded, still refusing to get out of bed.

There was a moment of silence, where Kyon was actually holding his breath.

“Yes.”

“What!? Yuki!” Haruhi gasped, sounding genuinely hurt.

“Without Haruhi Suzumiya, I would not have accumulated junk data during the recursive time event last summer. Those errors compiled and resulted in the event where reality was re-written due to underlying errors in my operating system.”

“Oh, uh,” Haruhi said, sounding embarrassed enough that Kazuma actually sat up and paid attention.

“In a sense, Haruhi Suzumiya did indeed drive me crazy. It is because of this that I was able to become an individual. I am thankful.”

That was one of the longer speeches Kazuma had ever heard Yuki give, so he figured after that he needed a nap, and lay back down and rolled over.

“Well, you’re welcome, I guess? Kyon, Kazuma, hurry it up!”

“She’s going to keep banging on the door until you get up,” Kyon told Kazuma, pulling on his trousers and hopping around on one foot as he did so.

“Well, we’ll have to see who’s more stubborn then,” Kazuma said, pulling another pillow over his head.

“Hey, where’s Kazuma?” Aqua’s voice said. There was increased and loud banging. “KAZUMA, GET UP!”

“Great, now there’s two of them,” Kazuma groaned, and slid out of bed. He walked over and jerked the door open, glaring out. He found all three girls standing there, already dressed for the day. Yuki was wearing the same sailor uniform she always did, while Haruhi was dressed in a leather jerkin with a skirt under it and combat boots. Aqua had on her usual goddess ensemble, which was a bit weird but also comforting.

“What!? I’m up!” Kazuma snapped.

The reactions to Kazuma were mixed. Yuki stood there impassively as ever, apparently unperturbed at seeing Kazuma in his boxers and nothing else. Haruhi jerked back in horror and put a hand over her eyes, making retching sounds. Aqua, however, had her eyes go wide, and she blushed, covering her mouth with her hands.

Seeing the reactions, Kazuma leaned against the doorway and waggled his eyebrows. “Like what you see? Sorry, Yuki, Kyon’s already dressed, you missed the show.”

Yuki just blinked once, apparently not certain what Kazuma was getting at.

“Oh god, I don’t need to see my dad naked!” Haruhi wailed, turning around and shuddering. “MIKURU! MIKURU I NEED HEALING!”

“I, um…” Aqua lowered her hands then glared at Kazuma. “Now’s not the time for that! Get dressed so we can eat and go defeat the Devil Queen!”

Since she was still blushing, Kazuma leaned forward and poked Aqua in the nose. “Do we have to do it so early? Come back to bed, we can get a late start…”

“Hey Yuki, duck,” Kyon called.

“Huh?”

Something wet splashed into the back of Kazuma’s head, and sprinkled Aqua’s face, making her sputter. Kazuma turned to see Kyon with an empty glass of water in his hand, a look of long suffering on the other boy’s face.

“Just get dressed. You might like it here, but I think I’d rather get this over with and go back to Japan.”

“You didn’t have to soak me!” Kazuma stomped back inside and started getting dressed, with Kyon shutting the door before anyone got an eyeful.

By the time Kazuma made his way down the stairs, breakfast was well under way. Mikuru had on an apron, with her hair tied back in a bandana, and had been cooking up a storm despite the fact that they were staying at an inn. Kazuma vaguely recognized the innkeeper as one of Megumin’s former classmates. Either Funifura or Dodonko. He could never keep those two straight.

“Good morning!” Mikuru said, waving happily to Kazuma and setting a plate of bread, bacon, and eggs in front of Kazuma, along with some fried onions and mushrooms. “It’s not a normal Japanese breakfast, but Miss Funifura says that it’s a traditional Crimson Demon breakfast! I learned some new recipes, but I hope you enjoy it!”

“Yeah it’s fine,” Kazuma said. He used to be a rice or nothing guy, but damn if a heaping plate like this wasn’t a good way to start the day. Preferably around noon or so though.

To Kazuma’s surprise, Megumin slid into the seat across the table from him, looking as bright eyed and bushy tailed as ever.

“Good morning,” she said. “I see you have changed little and still prefer to laze about in bed all day.”

“The sun is barely up! And besides, it hasn’t been all that long for me and you know it!” Kazuma shot back.

“This sounds like an outrageous excuse to me,” Megumin sniffed. She turned to Aqua. “Well?”

Aqua, who had a mouthful of bacon, paused, her cheeks slightly puffed out, a bit of grease on her chin. She blinked at Megumin for a moment, before swallowing with a large gulp. “Well what?”

“Have you claimed him as we agreed upon, or shall we extract our just revenge? I trust you can still resurrect Kazuma if he’s done something too awful. Or Haruhi can.”

“What?!” Kazuma just about knocked over his chair standing up, while Aqua went beet red and looked down, obscuring her face behind her bangs.

“I, um…we did kiss,” Aqua admitted. “Did you and…?”

Now it was Megumin’s turn to blush and look away, even as Kazuma leered. “Uh, I have told Yunyun I would discuss it upon our return. I am not certain as to my feelings in that regard yet.”

Before Kazuma could start to fantasize about the prospect of yuri baiting in his party, Yunyun herself came into the inn. She had on a rather more eclectic outfit than she had before, now that Kazuma took a second look. It was somewhat more conservative than her old clothes, but combined what he could only think of as “video game PC asymmetry” in the design, with a red armband on her right sleeve, longer on the left side, one braid with many small red beads, the other with a red crimson ribbon woven through it. She looked like…well, the leader of the Crimson Demon Clan. She also walked much more confidently, though she was still soft spoken and had the occasional stutter.

“Good morning, everyone,” Yunyun said, coming over and resting a hand on Megumin’s shoulder. She leaned down, and thanks to his lip reading skill Kazuma caught the whispered, “Feeling better?”

“I told you, I’m fine,” Megumin snapped, but she didn’t shove Yunyun’s hand away, leaning into it slightly instead.

Huh. Kazuma couldn’t say they looked like lovers, but a lot of the vitriol that he’d seen Megumin hold over Yunyun was gone, while Yunyun seemed more confident and assertive. They’d actually grown up a little.

Which sort of scared him. What would happen to him in a decade? Could he avoid his fate?

There had to be a cure for male pattern baldness. The future couldn’t be so horrifying.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Looking around the small conference room at the Tsuruya, well, Natsuki mansion, but he still thought of it as Tsuruya’s mansion, Itsuki couldn’t help but feel slightly crestfallen. None of his old companions from the Organization sat around the table. The SOS Brigade was gone.

Kyoko was gone. Somehow, that hurt the worst.

Instead, he was surrounded by-

“I’m hungry. Where’s the salmon roe?”

By idiots.

“Now’s not the time, Hina,” the scruffy ruffian, who looked exactly like the yakuza thug he was, growled. The man’s name was…Nita? It didn’t matter. He didn’t matter. He was just an ordinary mortal.

That much could not be said of many of the other people sitting around the table, including the blue haired idiot asking for salmon roe. Somehow, he’d found two of Kyoko’s recruits, one of which was a blue haired simpleton, the other of which was-

“Hina, shut up, you’re making us look bad!” the other middle schooler girl hissed. “This is totally our chance, don’t blow it!”

“But I want the salmon roe,” Hina whined.

Itsuki swore that if those two were not incredibly powerful espers, he’d have kicked them out already. Not that they were the only children in the room.

“I could go for some snacks,” Kazuma agreed, rubbing his bald pate absently. He lounged at the table in his stained tracksuit. How could such an ugly idiot have given birth to a goddess like Haruhi? Especially considering who the mother was.

“Yeah, and some drinks! It’s just like old times!” Thalia said. Or Aqua. Koizumi still hadn’t figured out why she went by Thalia now.

“Can I have my knife back? I promise not to stab anyone. Kyon’s not here!”

“No,” Darkness said, turning to glare at the humanoid interface that was handcuffed to her. Then she blushed slightly. “You can stab me later.”

“Can we please focus?” Koizumi demanded. “The world is set to end in only two days.”

“Meh. The world is always about to end. We’ve handled it before,” Kazuma said, actually putting his feet up on the table. At least he’d put on…what sort of shoes were those? Crocs? Where on Earth had he gotten something that hideous?

“Feet off the table, Sato. It’s an antique,” Subaru said, frowning at Kazuma. To Itusuki’s surprise, Kazuma blew him a kiss, and really did take his feet off the table, though he shot an apologetic look at Tsuryua’s mother, who was sitting quietly beside her husband and not saying much.

“What resources do we have at our disposal?” Seiya demanded. At least there was one other adult in the room.

“What you see before you,” Itsuki said, gesturing to his ragtag collection of followers. He hadn’t been able to get a single member of the Organization to come to this meeting, and it weighed on him. He’d failed even there. And now-

The door banged open, and frantic looking Mori hurried in, dressed as, of all things, a maid. Koizumi was on his feet in an instant, his heart skipping a beat.

“Sorry I’m late. The others won’t be coming,” Mori said, hastily taking her seat at the long table.

Hina turned to her, looking hopeful. “Did you bring my salmon roe?”

“Actually yes, as it turns out. Though it was sent from the kitchen,” Mori said, passing a cup of salmon roe to Hina.

“Yay.” Hina began to eat the delicacy with her fingers, ignoring the chopsticks. If the girl wasn’t rumored to be able to take on ten of the Organization’s espers blindfolded and half asleep, Itsuki would have sent her packing, he swore.

Feeling much more confident, Itsuki looked around the room. “Right. First things first. Asakura: You said you were willing to talk with us?”

Ryoko gave Itsuki a sweet smile. “Oh yes. Kimidori is just so bossy! And with Yuki gone, there’s no one to balance things out, you know? Plus, destroying the world would be so awful! There’s just so much more to do. So yes, I’ll help, but I’m afraid I’m considered junk data. I can’t just stop the Sky Canopy Dominion, or the Data Overmind. Sorry!”

“But what are their weaknesses? How can we hinder their plan?” Itsuki pressed.

“Well, the Data Overmind was always concerned Haruhi would notice it. I was under strict orders not to reveal my existence or that of the Data Overmind. I could interfere with her emotional state to try to trigger auto evolution, which is why I really wanted to kill Kyon!”

“You’ve mentioned that. Trust me, I understand the feeling,” Kazuma said, tapping a finger on the table.

Thalia elbowed him.

“...but he is my daughter’s friend, and he’s not a bad kid. Stealing my baby girl’s first kiss though…”

For some reason, that made Darkness blush and look away. These people.

“The Sky Canopy Dominion is a godlike being. Seeing as we have two individuals who claim to be former deities…perhaps they can shed some light on how to stop it?” Koizumi said, turning a meaningful look to Thalia and Tiana. “Agent’s T and A?”

“Uh, well…it’s not really a god like we were,” Thalia said, looking flustered.

Tiana for her part was hiding behind her hand and blushing, while her husband gave her a flat look. Kazuma for his part was sniggering.

“Ah, yes, well, um, you see…they’re not gods, yes. They’re more like…greater spirits? They have vast power, but not real physical form. That limits them in some ways, but in others makes them more powerful,” Tiana said.

“I see…” A plan started to form on Itsuki’s head. “So what you’re saying is…”

“The Data Overmind has a physical form,” Asakura piped up. “So does the Sky Canopy Dominion. That’s what makes Kimidori think she’s so special. She’s the final avatar of the Data Overmind. And Kuyou is the same for the Sky Canopy Dominion. They’re more than just the bodies though, those are more like avatars in a game for them.”

Itsuki nodded, feeling slightly less elated. “Right, which I was going to say, means-”

“That’s what Eris used to do with Chris, right?” Kazuma piped up. “Her mortal avatar in Belzerg.”

“Yes, thank you, I think we just-”

“I know several binding rituals, and have prepared materials for just such an eventuality,” Seiya agreed.

Now this was just getting annoying. “Yes, so I was going to say we could-”

“Oh I get it, we can totally like just bind them into their mortal bodies, then pow! Fight ‘em and beat up!” Tsuruya declared.

“It’s not going to be that simple, but that is the essence of the idea, yes,” Koizumi said through gritted teeth. Like herding cats.

He hoped whatever Haruhi was up to, it was worth it.

Author's note: 

This one is shorter than normal, and was written mostly when I was really sick. I'm feeling better, and I hope we'll get back to more regular updates soon. 

Fanfic Read Aloud: Melancholy of Kazuma Sato, Chapter 1

Status Update: May

As some of you probably already know, my health has been very poor over the past few months, and has taken a turn for the worse over the past few weeks. This had led to me not being able to meet all my writing goals for April, including one still undelivered chapter for a patreon, and no new discord chapter. I will be posting the audio recording of Melancholy soon, but I don't know that I will be able to make a new recording any time soon (I made the recording at the start of the month, and have since lost my ability to speak for any period of time). 

If you're concerned I won't get to your commissions, I promise I will at some point, but it may take a while. As a teacher, I have the summer off (and am currently on sick leave) and am optimistic that the new treatment I will be starting soon at a special clinic will help. If you are still worried, contact me privately and I will ensure you get a refund. 

I will still run a May patreon and discord poll, but it might not be until June that everything catches up. Thanks to those who are sticking with me, I do appreciate having something to do when I am functional, and the money for medical bills is very helpful.

The Last Drop of Hope, Chapter 13

Aqua had never been very good at hating the undead. Oh, sure, she cleansed them and purged them along with the rest of the other gods and goddesses, but Eris had always been the real crusader between them, her passion burning with holy fervor to wipe out every single one of the unholy abominations and send them back to the afterlife where they belong, their bodies returned to rest.

But Aqua? Well…she’d usually just felt sorry for them. It was fun to kill them and show off how powerful she was, her mere presence hurting the undead and even her tears enough to slay a zombie with a single drop. But Aqua had always felt bad for them. They were ugly, and hurting, and they weren’t really in control of themselves most of the time. Most low level undead were basically puppets of whatever power had raised them, and Aqua was personally offended by that. People should be free to make their own choices and have fun!

So she’d cut the strings, put the undead back to rest, but she’d felt sad about it. She’d not really liked the undead, but she’d pitied them.

Now though, now she was riding in the back of a limo with the worst undead abomination of them all…and stealing nervous glances at her.

Wiz the Lich. One of the Seven Generals of the Devil King. The Frost Witch. An immortal force of evil who spread terror and destroyed armies. Though Aqua couldn’t remember actually seeing Wiz defeat any gods or divine champions, or actually really do much of anything in combat. She’d run the prisoner camps and farms for the Devil King, which was an important duty to be sure, but she’d had a fearsome reputation as a woman who’d betrayed the Light and the Gods in exchange for power and immortality, going from one of the strongest wizards of the forces of Light to a General for the Devil King in a swift and sudden betrayal.

Aqua scooted closer to Wiz, who smiled at her nervously. The woman paled, though Aqua didn’t know if it was fear or just the holy presence of a god weakening the lich. “Yes, Lady Aqua?”

“Why?” Aqua asked.

Wiz was quiet for a moment. “There’s a lot of questions you could be asking…I’m honestly not sure which one, or how to answer…”

“Just…start with why you become a lich. Why? You were a powerful adventurer who stopped countless monsters. You were one of my followers! So why…why’d you betray us? Betray me?”

Aqua felt tears welling up in her eyes, and sniffed, wiping at them. She found a lace hankie pushed into her hands, even as Wiz’s skin sizzled and hissed from the contact with the holy water, the woman’s own eyes filling with tears.

“I never wanted to…It’s a long story but…my friends…they were in grave danger. My Adventuring party. They were going to die. I was…I was dying. I’d been cursed by Beldia, trapped in a dungeon chamber, unable to get out, and I knew my friends were in trouble, that they too would die soon,” Wiz said quietly, her eyes glazing as she looked into the distant past.

“Then, Vanir came to me. He just appeared. Said he had a way out. A way to save my friends. I wanted to refuse him at first. To say no, to remain true and pure. But my friends were in danger…”

“But you had to sacrifice an innocent life to become a lich! That's how it works!” Aqua protested.

She sensed Megumin stirring, while Komekko was still hungrily eating her way through the snacks they’d been given by Wiz’s driver. Yunyun was listening carefully as well, looking nervous and worried as she looked back and forth between Wiz and Aqua both.

“The life I sacrificed…was my own,” Wiz said quietly. “Vanir kept me alive as I ate my own heart. He gave me the potion too…I didn’t ask what was in it…”

“You seriously ate your own heart?!” Megumin demanded, looking horrified, while Yunyun sniffled and covered her face with her hands.

“I’ve been hungry before, but not that hungry,” Komekko mused. “I like rat hearts though.”

Aqua and Wiz both made disgusted faces at that, sharing a look of horror.

“Ah, I’ll give you some of my home baked cookies when we get to headquarters. They’re much nicer than rat hearts,” Wiz said, sounding fairly faint.

“Ok!” Komekko agreed, and began licking the wrappers of the snacks to get any last remaining calories off.

“Did…did you save your friends?” Yunyun asked, looking worried.

A tear trickled down Wiz’s face, and she drew out another hankie to blow her nose. She carefully folded it, then rested her hands in her lap. Aqua knew the answer before Wiz could answer. “No. By the time I was revived from the ritual…they were already dead.”

Megumin snorted derisively. “That’s why you don’t bargain with the corporations.”

“Or demons,” Aqua growled, clenching her fist. She might pity the undead, but she really did hate demons. Aqua adored creating things, especially art. But demons? Demons just destroy what should be beautiful and fun.

“As to the other why..” Wiz sighed, and touched the Axis pendant around her neck. “I never stopped believing. I knew that the war was lost.”

“Lost!? But you were winning!” Aqua protested.

Wiz gave her a sad smile. “You ever wonder how Zesta always knew where to fight? When the forces of the Devil King were coming? How Mitsurugi persisted, when so many other champions were assassinated?”

“Duh, because my followers are super awesome and smart!” Aqua said, puffing her chest out.

“Uh, I think Wiz is implying she was a mole,” Yunyun offered, giving Aqua a pained smile.

“Huh? No, she’s a lich. Not a mole,” Aqua said, wrinkling her nose.

Megumin groaned. “She means a spy.”

“Oh. Oh! It was YOU?!” Aqua asked, shocked.

Wiz nodded, looking pained. “I should have done more. But…someone had to protect the humans we captured. I…I couldn’t let the other generals wipe them all out…I had to save as many as I could…and when it was obvious the Devil King was going to win…I did what I could.”

“But…aren’t you evil?” Aqua asked, still thoroughly baffled by this. “Is this like…a plot to betray the Devil King and take over? What happened to him, anyway?”

“He is dead,” Wiz said quietly. “At least I hope so. For his sake.”

“Well that’s good, but if he’s really dead, why is everything so awful still?” Aqua demanded angrily. “Why haven’t things gone back to the way they should be?”

“Because you weren’t here,” Wiz told Aqua. She looked out of the window of the limousine as it flew through the air, approaching the headquarters building of ShopWiz. “We’re nearly there. After all this time…maybe someone actually can heal this dying world.”

“But why is it dying?” Aqua demanded. “Why is everything so awful?”

“B-because of the capitalist overlords that have trampled the people under their foot, using t-the means of production to subjugate the working class, a-and exploiting the environment to enrich themselves at the c-cost of the good of all.”

Everyone’s eyes turned to Yunyun, with Wiz and Aqua both looking baffled, while Komekko nodded seriously and Megumin rolled her eyes.

“You’re STILL on about that? Come on, Yunyun. Those were just weird stories from that book my dad had,” Megumin huffed.

Stubbornly, Yunyun shook her head. “No! The Red Revolution w-will come, and it will be the Crimson Demons w-who will lead the workers of Belzberg to freedom!”

“And everybody will have lots to eat, and no one will be killed for their eyes!” Komekko agreed happily. She then pressed her nose up to the window, frowning. “But right now I think we’re going into the capitalist overlord’s fortress. Are we gonna blow it up?”

“Sounds good to me,” Megumin said with a cheshire grin as the limousine touched down on a landing pad, which immediately began to seal over them to keep out the acid rain (and sniper fire). Various corporate flunkies rushed over as Wiz stepped out of the limo, all of them immediately babbling.

“My lady, the situation in space has deteriorated further! We need you to-”

“-NiteTech pushing into our territory and building up for an assault-”

“-half our food rations looted by this insane new gang called the Axis Cult-”

“-water supply suddenly contaminated, all our crops are dying again!”

“What’s wrong with the water?” Aqua demanded, stepping out of the limo and frowning. Unlike most of the people she’d met so far, these were all clean, in nice clothes, though they were definitely the wrong getup for her fantasy world. Most of them were wearing some form of formal suit or business dress that looked like something out of Japan in the 21st century, with not even the neat sci-fi bits and bobs on them that Aqua liked in the more fun anime.

“Who are you?” one of the flunkies demanded, frowning as they shoved Aqua to the side. “Out of the way, I need to speak to the CEO!”

“Hey! I am the goddess Aqua and I-”

“CRIMSON DEMONS, EVERYONE RUN!” a fat little man with glasses screamed as he saw the three sisters exit the limo. Komekko hadn’t put her goggles back on, those having been lost, and she was glaring at the man, who was frantically trying to get away from the little girl.

Megumin instantly drew her sword, while Yunyun raised a hand and a fireball blossomed over her palm. That drew a few screams and cries of panic from the corporate drones.

There was a blinding flash of cold blue light, and frost suddenly covered the landing pad. “SILENCE.” Wiz stood tall, holding up a glowing wand of ice, her eyes glowing with the pale light of the long vanished glaciers.

Everyone froze, and not just because a few of them were suddenly rimed with ice. Many of the executives present had never seen Wiz use magic, and those who had were shocked to have her display it so openly.

“The Crimson Demons are my guests, and allies. Some of you have known I long attempted to shelter them, but in the past, they always refused. These have agreed to take sanctuary,” Wiz said calmly, lowering her hand, but keeping a grip on the wand. “This is Aqua. Goddess of Water and Healing. She is the last drop of hope for this world. The final dream that our people can once more breathe clean air, drink clean water, and live lives of peace.”

Wiz turned to Aqua, then bowed. “Lady Aqua, there is so much for me to do. I will need to brief my people, but first…Rain, you said the water supply is contaminated?”

“Yes! That last bit of clean water we were able to siphon off the south west sewage line has totally vanished! Our crops are going to die without it!” a panicked looking woman who was wearing a lab coat and carrying a clipboard said, shoving her way forward. She looked less like an executive, and more like someone who had an actual job.

“It might have been that line that was connected to Aqua. I never thought..” Wiz sighed and shook her head. “I wouldn’t have been able to free you anyway. Once my sealing spell took hold…you were hidden from my sight, so I could never betray you, even accidentally. But please: we need a miracle. Can you go with Dr. Rain? With the situation in space…our food supplies will soon be cut off.”

“I’m not a goddess of the harvest,” Aqua said, feeling very uncertain. “But…I could make clean water…”

“You have a technique for purifying water? We’ve tried removing all the chemicals, but most water has been recycled so many times, and there just isn’t enough clean water left to sustain large scale agriculture, not to mention the nutrient problem we run into,” Rain said, hurrying forward and studying Aqua from head to toe.

“Well, I mean, I can purify it, but I can also just make it,” Aqua said.

That earned her a roll of the eyes, even as people muttered and moved away as Megumin and Komekko stepped up to Aqua’s side, glaring around at the others. Yunyun nervously trailed after them, adjusting her goggles, pulling them off and on.

“Yes, we can burn hydrogen to get water but there’s frankly not enough oxygen as is, so that just creates another issue,” Rain said in exasperation.

“Huh? You can’t burn stuff to get water, that’s just dumb. I just make it,” Aqua said, planting her hands on her hips.

“What!? You can’t just MAKE something from nothing! How stupid are you?” Rain demanded. “Don’t come here and claim you can just-”

Aqua, irritated and confused, and just generally tired with life at this point, pointed a finger at Rain. “Create Water!”

A firehose of water shot out of Aqua’s finger, obviously appearing from thin air. Rain was knocked into several corporate suits, who were then bowled over by the pressure of the stream. They skidded across the floor, pushed along by the water until they hit the edge of the security dome.

“I’m not stupid,” Aqua huffed, lowering her finger and splashing over to where the dazed Rain was laying in a large puddle of water. “Any low level priest can use a simple Create Water spell. It’s not that hard.”

“You…you can what?” Rain asked, dazed as she blinked and slowly sat up.

Aqua held out her hand, and a glowing form appeared in her hand, which she proffered to Rain. “Just join the Axis Cult! I grant all my followers loads of useful spells like that! Plus, there’s access to Axis Brand Soap, which is guaranteed to clean up all sorts of corruption, and-”

“LADY WIZ!” a panicked voice said, and Aqua turned to see Wiz being supported by several guards. She was breathing hard, and had gone slightly translucent.

“Please…please sign the form,” Wiz gasped. “She really is a goddess. She needs your prayers. I’ll be fine, I just…can I have some life energy, please? No, yours won’t do…I need…”

“Y-you can have mine,” Yunyun said, hurrying over. Several people glared at her, but no one was crazy enough to get in the way of a Crimson Demon, especially not one that apparently could light things on fire with a gesture.

“Drain Touch,” Wiz croaked, and her color returned quickly even as Yunyun slumped over.

“That’s enough, thank you. Your mana is very potent,” Wiz sighed, standing up again and gingerly edging away from the massive amount of holy water Aqua had just created.

“What did you do to Yunyun!?” Megumin snarled, stomping over and supporting her sister as she nearly teetered over.

“I-I’m OK. I just…I need some rest,” Yunyun whimpered.

Komekko had stolen some snacks from various pockets, and hastily proffered them to Yunyun, who nodded her thanks.

Aqua was distracted from the scene by Rain ripping the parchment out of her hands and signing it. “If you can make me clean water so we don’t all starve to death, I’ll absolutely worship you or do whatever you want,” she said desperately.

“Great! I prefer bubbly as my offerings, but I like art too,” Aqua said happily, and produced more fliers. “Who else wants to join the Axis Cult!?”

There were only a few takers, but Rain hastily led Aqua, Megumin, and Komekko to an elevator to the ground level of the ShopWiz complex. Yunyun left to rest, while Wiz hurried off to deal with the mounting crises.

“We keep the plants in greenhouses, well shielded from pollution and radiation. We have an excellent air filtration system, and use only the cleanest water. Sadly, we haven’t been able to produce near enough food to feed everyone, and we’re still reliant on Discord, which is of course controlled by ChimeraTech,” Rain babbled as they rode in the elevator. “But with what’s happened, we can’t guarantee that we’ll have a steady supply of food, and we don’t have enough stockpiled. Wiz is always trying to feed more mouths than we really can.”

“People shouldn’t go hungry, that’s not nice,” Komekko declared, nodding seriously.

Rain blinked at the little girl, her red eyes glowing softly in the dim light of the elevator. She grinned nervously. “Er, yes. I, ah, I never knew Lady Wiz was friendly with Crimson Demons, but…”

“As long as she stays friendly with us, I promise to kill her last,” Megumin said, and gave Rain a dazzling smile.

The scientist tittered nervously, then shuffled her feet. “Ah, how, exactly, um…did you make the water, Miss Aqua?”

“I’m the goddess of water, duh. I made all the water on Belzerg,” Aqua said simply.

“That doesn’t sound very scientific…” Rain said as the doors to the elevator opened up.

“Science is dumb and boring. Magic is much more interesting, because it’s like art, which is pretty and fun!” Aqua declared. She looked around, then gasped in delight, hurrying over to the window, where fields of green plants could be seen below. “Finally, something that’s growing!”

Megumin and Kommekko hurried forward as well, with Megumin having to give Komekko a bit of a boost so the shorter girl could see into the fields below. There were rows and rows of carefully cultivated plants, each of them spaced precisely apart, separated by lines of string and flagged markers.. Workers in sterile clothing tread carefully upon the path between the plants, spritzing them with water, gently tending to leaves and sprouts, or placing bits of fertilizer. Others were measuring the soil with various instruments. Light was provided by glowing overhead lamps, and bits of condensation could be seen on the window. Pressing her nose to it, Aqua could feel that it was quite warm.

“Why don’t you give them real sunlight?” Aqua asked, not taking her eyes away from the greenery. “And don’t those people have to be careful? Won’t the tomatoes attack them?”

“Tomatoes…attack?” Rain shook her head. “Er, we can’t expose the plants to the open air, and the sky is too polluted for us to get easy access to sunlight at an elevation the plants will easily grow at.”

“Are tomatoes dangerous? They taste really good,” Komekko asked.

“Yes,” Aqua said at the same time as Megumin and Rain said “No.”

“What!? Everyone knows that Killer Tomatoes are vicious creatures that will attack anyone on sight once they’re ripe!” Aqua argued.

Megumin and Rain exchanged a puzzled look, while Komekko just nodded in acceptance.

“Er, are you thinking of some sort of animal?” Rain asked.

“Hmph. Are you at least growing some mackerel down there?” Aqua asked.

Rain shook her head sadly. “We do have some fish tanks, but we mostly grow catfish.”

“Hmph. We’ll I’m just going to fix that,” Aqua huffed. “I love tasty mackerel, especially freshly picked!”

“Are you really someone that can help grow food?” Rain said in exasperation as Aqua turned and headed towards a security door.

“Hey, open up, I want to check on the plants and show you that tomatoes really are dangerous!” Aqua declared, rapping her knuckles on the door.

“Er, should we let her in, Director Rain?” a voice asked over the intercom.

“Yes, Lady Wiz said to have her help, and she seems to somehow be able to create water. Perhaps it can help us grow the plants,” Rain sighed.

“Wait, are those Crimson Demons?! We can’t open the door with them there!” the panicked voice said.

Megumin snorted in derision, then walked over and jammed Gram into the door frame. The magical metal easily punctured even the reinforced security door, and with a wrench and squeal of metal Megumin carved a large enough hole for a person to squeeze through. “Just be happy I don’t have a breaching charge on me, for this pathetic door is no obstacle to a Crimson Demon!”

“Please don’t do that! We have a clean room inside, we can’t let any contaminants into the farm!” Rain said, panicked and waving her arms frantically.

After squeezing through the now wrecked door, Aqua found several cowering scientist types, none of which seemed to have any interest in stopping Megumin. Rain hastily keyed them into the next room, which was a decontamination chamber of some sort, where they were supposed to change clothes and shower.

“I can just do this,” Aqua said, and raised her hands over the group. “Purification!”

The sparkling blue lights of Aqua’s spell made Rain blink in shock. “I…don’t think that qualifies as clean room safe…”

“Hmph. Well, let me see the stupid plants already. This isn’t a nice bath. I want a proper onsen later!” Aqua declared.

Reluctantly, Rain let them inside, deciding correctly that any damage the contaminants they brought in would be far less than the damage Megumin and Aqua could do if they were argued with.

After a long corridor where large fans blew out a high pressure system to keep any last hazards and pollution out, Rain let them into the farm field. Aqua wandered around for a bit, cringing workers and scientists shying away from Megumin and her giant sword, as well as Komekko and her glowing red eyes.

“I don’t get it, these plants feel sick,” Aqua said, frowning. “Have you properly infused them with mana?”

“With what?” Rain asked. She glanced at one of the workers, who shrugged in confusion. “Do you mean fertilizer?”

“Well, this fertilizer isn’t right. It doesn’t have any mana at all,” Aqua said, poking at a wheelbarrow of synthetic fertilizer. “It won’t make the plants grow well at all.”

“Well, maybe you could try doing something useful,” Rain said in exasperation.

“Not a harvest goddess,” Aqua muttered. Then she brightened. “Will you all promise to worship me if I give you a lot of food right now by making the plants grow?”

“Lady, if you could bring in an extra harvest, I’d fall down and kiss your feet,” one of the workers said.

“I already told you I’d worship you if you give us clean water, and I am a woman of my word,” Rain said, nervously adjusting her name tag.

“Right. Megumin, get ready! The plants are sure to attack as soon as I make them grow,” Aqua said.

“I’ve heard of mutant plants that feed on human flesh before, especially on Discord,” Megumin said, unslinging Gram and raising it.

“Come on out, Hoost! You get ready to fight too!” Komekko declared, saving her hand.

The raven appeared, larger than it had been before, and let out a squawk. “Would it kill you to give a guy some birdseed or something, Mistress? Man’s gotta eat, you know.”

There were various screams of panic, and someone got a rake to try and shoo the bird away.

“Hey! Be nice to Mister Hoost!” Komekko barked, pulling a gun to emphasize her point.

The farm workers backed off, looking nervously at the large and slightly glowing bird.

“Since when could he talk?” Megumin asked, even as Rain cautiously advanced to study Hoost, who had landed on Komekko’s head.

“Boss Lady leveled up and gave me some skill points. So I got stronger,” Hoost explained, and flexed a wing. “See? Check out them muscles!”

“Hee hee. He’s super smart, like me!” Komekko said. “Miss Rain, do you have any bird seed?”

“Uh, not on me,” Rain said, looking rather dazed. “Where did…this is all so strange…”

“Alright, I’m ready!” Aqua said, holding her hands up to the sky. “I’ve got more followers, so I can do a little weather control.” She bit her tongue and squinted, and a moment later, dark clouds billowed out of her hands, rapidly filling the farm, which covered several acres for just this complex. The workers looked on, astonished, and a moment later, it began to rain.

Not a torrential downpour, but a steady drizzle that increased to a fair soaking over a few minutes. Everyone muttered in astonishment, until Rain barked orders, and they began to hurry about with vials and flasks, collecting samples of the water and testing it.

“Zero contaminates?!” a worker gasped. “This stuff is so pure…is it even real!? We can’t ever get water this clean, no matter how many cycles we run it through!”

“It’s got some sort of weird energy in it,” another added, waving an electrical wand over a puddle as it let out a whining sound. “It’s not radiation, but…it could be harmful?”

“Only if you’re a disgusting undead or a filthy demon,” Aqua huffed. She blinked, then blushed. “Um, don’t let Wiz in here while I’m making it rain, OK?”

“Director! Director, look!” someone shouted, pointing. “The plants! They’re growing!”

“I know that, they’re supposed…to…oh my,” Rain gasped, and covered her mouth with both hands in shock.

Even as everyone watched, the plants began to grow. The crops here were a mixture of squash, beans, and corn, forming a three sisters diet and a well ordered garden. Soon the plants bore fruit, and continued to increase in size, until the corn stalks were nearly three meters tall and as thick around as a man’s chest, while the beans were climbing wildly up to the ceiling, even covering the lights, and the huge squash were swelling to near comical sizes.

“Uh oh,” Aqua muttered. “Um, everyone…you might want to leave…they’re gonna get ripe soon.”

“Why…why would we leave? This is incredible!” Rain laughed, hugging a giant squash and stroking the rough surface. “This is more food than we’d normally harvest in a year! Three cheers for Lady Aqua, our new goddess!”

The farm workers all cheered, but Megumin raised her blade. “This isn’t good.”

“Corn?” a soft voice said, as one of the ears of corn near Aqua opened up, revealing a small face with buck teeth.

“Um, I, uh, I gotta go,” Aqua said, heading for the exit.

“Corn! Corn! Corn!” a chorus of voices called.

“Uh, director…do the vegetables usually talk?” a worker asked.

“QUICK!” Aqua wailed, producing dozens of forms. “Sign them! I’ll give you all classes! You’ll have to fight for your lives! Megumin, start harvesting, now, before we’re overrun!”

“Hoost!” Komekko called, pulling out a knife and stabbing the baby corn in the face. The vegetable screamed, shook, and then went still. But the other ears on the stalk began to shake violently.

“Way *urp* ahead of you *burp* boss,” Hoost called, frantically pecking away at the corn. “I’ll *burp* handle this bunch.”

Snarling, Megumin began to savagely slice and dice, activating her Zephyr step and sprinting around the now overgrown farm, slashing vegetables off their vines, or hacking the rumbling squash as it started to jump up and down.

“Um, everyone, please calmly take a form,” Rain said nervously, grabbing several papers and waving them. “I, ah…I think I’ll go with Mage…”

There was a scream, as a swarm of little beans flung themselves off the vines and attacked a worker.

“Beeeeeannnnns!” the vicious vegetables screamed as they bit and nipped at the worker.

Aqua hurried over as the worker swatted at them with a trowel. “Quick, join the Axis Cult, it’s the only way to survive!”

The worker managed to scrawl their name in blood, then let out a bellow. He ripped off his shirt as his muscles bulged. “TRAVIS SMASH!”

“Oh, berzerker, nice!” Aqua said, nodding as the red faced and frothing man began to punch beans, squash, and even corn into submission. “Good choice for farm work.”

Before long, most of the workers had converted to the Axis Cult. A few fled, and others died as the vegetables attacked in waves. Fire balls, hacking shovels, and fists of fury pounded, as the battle was waged for over an hour. Security forces arrived, and were pressed into the harvest, and by extension the Axis Cult.

“No guns or lasers! We can’t damage the crops too badly!” Rain ordered, directing the battle in between firing off bolts of lightning. “Quick! Harvest the dead produce and cart it away before it goes to seed in this magic rain!”

In the end, the Battle of Farm 0138 resulted in nearly 58 tons of produce harvested, far more than the small farm was expected to produce in only a few hours. The injured and dead were lined up, with Aqua coming over to inspect them.

“They died heroes,” Rain said, weeping over the body of a worker who had half her head bitten off by rampaging corn. “Their efforts will not go to waste! We will feed so many with just this food, and their names will be written in the annals of ShopWiz! They died not just for Science, but for our glorious goddess, Lady Aqua!”

There was a lusty cheer, and Aqua blushed as Megumin elbowed her. “You know, if you’d been smarter about this, those people wouldn’t have had to die.”

“Yes, but…I have so many followers who are believing in me now, and praying so hard,” Aqua said, nodding to a security guard who was hugging a scientist. They were weeping tears of sorrow and joy, and both of them thanking Lady Aqua for the food.

“Well, they were just Outsiders,” Komekko pointed out. “So it’s OK.”

“Yes…but…I can’t just let them stay dead,” Aqua said, and knelt by the woman Rain was weeping over. She touched the woman’s face, and it was instantly restored, causing others to gasp. “I’m sorry, I should have warned you all that corn is so deadly…rise again, and walk among the living, to harvest more vegetables.”

“Lady Aqua, Samatha is dead,” Rain said gently, putting a hand on Aqua’s shoulder.

“Yeah and let me tell you, dying freaking sucks!” Samantha said, sitting up and causing Rain to let out a scream and jump back. “Ugh, that hurt so much! And I was stuck in such a boring place! Apparently, heaven and hell are closed, can you believe that!?”

“Um, there probably aren’t any gods working the psychopomp shift,” Aqua admitted. “Sorry about that, but I’m busy right now. We’ll get to it soon.”

“She can bring people back to life?!” someone gasped.

“It’s a miracle!”

“PRAISE AQUA!”

“I LOVE YOU LADY AQUA!”

“That’s right!” Aqua said, jumping up and producing two fans, which she posed happily with. “No one dies today! We have lots of food, so let's have a party! The Axis Cult knows how to work hard, but we know how to party hard! Nature’s Beauty!”

As the water from Aqua’s fans sprinkled over the dead, they all began to sit up, exclaiming in shock and surprise. Word soon spread, along with footage, of a blue haired woman raising the dead, and declaring herself god. And, since she clearly had the feats to back it up, no one was arguing with her.

But footage like that gets leaked onto the net. And before long, Belida was at the head of an armored column, watching as Aqua danced and laughed.

“Get me Hans,” Beldia snarled to one of his generals. “It seems that damned slime didn’t finish the job after all.”

The Thirteenth Fang, Chapter 6

After a few nights on the boat, Titus slept soundly, the gentle rocking and sounds of the creaking ship about him did more to soothe him to sleep than turn his stomach. On the cot next to his, Freya slept as well, her own breathing far softer and gentler than the loud snores of the men he’d had to share his quarters with over the years. While he didn’t quite not have a care in the world, this portion of the journey at least seemed peaceful and uneventful, and with the door locked, he was content to drift off to sleep as the Summer Breeze rode at anchor.

He was dreaming of fencing with Freya again, his sword burning hot in his hands. To his horror, he kept aiming for her heart, and whenever he looked up at her face, it wasn’t Freya, but some sort of demonic witch. It was all wrong, and Titus knew it was a dream, trying to force himself awake. His blade slipped, and he was just about to skewer her when-

Sitting bolt upright, Titus realized that he could hear screams and shouts, along with pounding feet on the deck, and the familiar clash of steel on steel. He jumped out of bed, grabbing his sword from his bedside, and ripping it out of the scabbard.

“UP SWORDS! MEN TO THE BANNERS! UP SWORDS! ENEMIES UPON US! UP SWORDS!” Titus howled, tacking on a blood curdling wolf’s howl at the end.

He was about to kick open the door and join the fray, when Freya screamed and sat up herself. A golden wind seemed to rage around Titus, and his night shirt ripped and tore as invisible hand’s clawed at him. They seemed to find no purchase on his skin however, and he held up his blade, the runes upon the metal glowing brightly.

“What is it?!” Freya gasped, stumbling to her feet, her hair a golden halo around her head. A ball of flames filled one hand, while the other tried frantically to wrap her blanket about herself to preserve her modesty. She was apparently not used to waking suddenly and violently to fight, while Titus had needed to do so many times. Ordinarily, he was a far lighter sleeper, but the peaceful boat trip had lulled him into a false sense of security.

Before he could answer Freya, there was a pounding at the door, then the sound of splintering wood as an axehead forced its way into their room. Titus immediately used both hands to ram his blade all the way to the hilt through the door. There was a scream on the other side, and Titus yanked the blade back, red blood coating it now.

“We appear to be under attack,” Titus gasped, and flipped open the latch, then with a mighty kick, slammed the door open. He found the body of a horribly misshapen mutant on the other side, with large bat-like ears, and hands that had large flaps of skin hanging from them. The creature's lifeblood was spilling out onto the deck, its eyes rapidly glazing over as it feebly tried to crawl away from him. Titus ended the thing's struggles by kicking it sharply in the twisted head, and the thing lay still.

Freya let out a rapid stream of what Titus assumed were elven curse words, then dropped the blanket and stepped out onto the deck beside Titus. A moment later, she threw the ball of flames across the ship, where it caught another mutant that had been about to skewer one of the Summer Breeze’s sailors with a rusty cutlass. The thing screamed in pain, then threw itself backwards into the water. Though the dark depths bubbled and hissed as it plunged in, Titus could see it burning even as it sank below the waves, the magical flames unquenched by mere water.

“Mutants,” Titus spat, looking across the barge. There were several small boats tied up alongside the ship, and he could see more dark shapes bobbing towards them across the narrow channel between them and the shore. Dark figures swarmed about on the far bank, and the smell of blood and terror filled the night.

“Pirates,” Freya agreed, conjuring up another ball of flame. Titus winced, and nudged her with his bare shoulder.

“Ah, perhaps not fire on the ship? I appreciate the magery on our behalf, however…”

Freya gasped, then hastily threw the ball of fire over the waters. It impacted on the shore, and several of the dark shapes screamed as the caught flames, running about and setting the grasses on the shore ablaze.

“Ah, yes. We would not wish to burn the ship out from under ourselves. Well, fortunately Aqshy is far from the only wind that blows strongly this foul night,” Freya said, giving a nervous laugh. She muttered a spell, and the blade of ice once more appeared in her hands. “Well, Sir Titus. Shall we?”

They had taken no more than one or two steps when a trio of hideous mutants bearing rusted scythes and chipped blades rounded the side of the cabins and spied them. One was a hideously bloated woman with a blotchy face that glowed red in the firelight of her torch, another a short man with a piggy snout and almost orcish fangs, and the last one of indeterminate gender with unnaturally long limbs and a second head on its left shoulder.

“There they are! That’s them! Get the elf bitch!” the woman roared, spittle flying from her mouth as she raised her scythe and pointed it at Titus.

“Behind us!” Freya gasped, as more mutants lept aboard as their small skiff touched the side of the boat.

“I’ll take these!” Titus shouted, and sprang forward to the attack as behind him Freya conjured up spears of ice to hurl at her foes.

The pig mutant came at him first, swinging a long, pitted blade artlessly at Titus’ head. He ducked, then slashed the thing’s arm. It squealed much like a pig as the hand and sword hit the deck, but the sounds ended with Titus following up the cut with a slash to the neck. The thing dropped, gurgling wetly as it died.

The other two came on together, the bloated woman using the long haft of her scythe to swing at Titus’ legs while the gangly mutant swung two shorter hand scythes at his head. He was forced to step back, then swing at the long scythe as it came at him again. The cheap metal of the old farming tool screamed, then shattered as the blades met. Titus felt shards of metal tug at his ragged shirt, and grunted as one bit into the flesh of his left bicep. He didn’t let that slow him down, however, stepping in to thrust his sword at the long armed mutant’s face.

The creature stepped back, wailing in a long, ululating cry. With a snarl, the fat mutant thrust a meaty arm at Titus, her triple chin wobbling with the force of the effort. He dodged to the side, but grunted as the heavy glow glanced off his shoulder. He still managed to bury the point of his sword in the things belly, and grinned triumphantly.

To his horror, the creature simply grinned. “Got you now!” she advanced, and Titus tried to draw his sword out. The folds of fat wrapped around the blade, and he found himself unable to withdraw the blade as another blow caught him alongside his head.

Ears ringing, Titus gave up on trying to draw the blade out, and jumped forward, driving the sword as deeply into his enemy's gut as he could. She howled in pain, her flabby hands pawing at Titus. He growled, then drove his face into the bridge of her nose. Blood and mucus splattered his face as the mutant groaned, then toppled over, the sword now buried to the hilt in her gross stomach.

Titus had no time to enjoy his victory as the gangly mutant attacked again, driving forward with both its scythes, lank brown hair obscuring the eyes of the upper head, while the lower leered at Titus evilly. He scrambled back, until his heel touched something behind him. Realization dawned, and Titus dove for the deck as the scythes cut the air over him. He grabbed the long rusty blade, then shot up, driving it into the mutant’s head.

Both heads howled in pain and the thing shambled back, dropping one scythe. The other, however, swung for Titus, and he dropped the blade and scrambled for the howling body of the fat woman. He gripped the hilt of the sword in her gut with both hands, and instead of pulling, wretched it upward. With a shower of gore and intestines, the blade swung free, releasing a hideous stench as it sliced. The tip sliced into the swinging arm of the gangly mutant, mostly severing it so it hung only by skin and tendons.

Titus finished off both of the hideous creatures, then turned. He found Freya raining ice upon the river, spearing several more boats that had been attempting to ferry more pirates aboard. Several were shattered and broken now, while others had bodies with great icicles piercing them draped about them. Freya was panting, breathing as though she had just run a marathon, a fierce snarl on her lips as she shouted out incantations. She brought down one hand in a slapping motion, and a wave of ice rushed forward, smashing two other boats.

Moaning, Freya staggered, and Titus hurried forward, supporting her in his gore slicked arms. “Are you alright?”

“I have not…I never…” Freya gasped, shaking her head. “I have used magic for decades…but never so much, so quickly…my mind…I tire…”

Grunting, Titus nodded. He had seen mages exert themselves before, and often after only a few spells they behaved as though they had fought in a melee for hours. What Freya had unleashed just now was the equal or superior to any human sorcery he had ever borne witness to before, and far outstripped the goblin shamans he had seen with their weirding spells.

“There are still mutants aboard. Can you stand?” Titus asked, even as he heard frantic screams and shouts.

“I can manage,” Freya agreed, managing to get back to her feet, though she kept her arm around Titus. She still had her sword of ice, and raised it as a scrabbling sound could be heard on the roof above them. Titus barely had time to look up as two mutants leapt down at them. Freya’s icy blade wove an intricate pattern, and blood and gore rained down upon them, then bodies of their would-be attackers splashing into the water and pattering off the deck.

“Yes, yes I think I can stand quite well,” Freya said, and straightened up completely.

“Sharp, for frozen water,” Titus laughed, raising his own sword. He could feel the madness of battle upon him, but he cared not. While he was no berzerker, he felt a vicious joy now, in the midst of the fight. Later, he would be sick, and perhaps even have nightmares of the destruction he had borne witness to and caused, but for now he took righteous pleasure in the slaughter of the misbegotten foes of mankind.

It was the only way he could stay sane, and still strike down living beings.

Hearing a nearby scream, Titus and Freya hurried forward, finding several cabins that had been broken into. Several bodies lay on the ground, most of them their fellow passengers or several sailors who seemed to have been taken unawares. Swearing, Titus hurried forward, only to hear another scream. There was a loud clang, and a mutant stumbled back out of one cabin, clutching a bleeding gash on his forehead, from which sprouted two goat’s horns.

Titus ran him through from behind. Fairness was for a game of cards or dice. Not for a fight.

“Come on, you ugly old monsters. Come and get a taste of my pan! It’s a goodun, made with the finest Rieklander ore!” a quavering voice called.

Titus blinked, then shared a shocked look with Freya.

“Madam Mathers?” Freya called, stepping closer to the cabin door, but not entering.

“Oh! Is that you, Mistress Freya?”

The old woman poked her head out of her cabin, dressed in a woolen nightgown, her hair covered with a nightcap. In her gnarled hand was clutched a large and sturdy cast iron frying pan, one that now had several fresh stains on it. There was another mutant that lay comatose on the deck, and Titus stepped forward, ramming his sword point into its neck to end the pathetic creature’s life.

“Those demons tried to break in and harm my grandchildren!” the irate Mathers said, shaking her frying pan at Titus. “Gave them a good what for, I did. Hmph! Sigmar blesses the righteous, and this is MY hammer!”

“You have done good work, it seems,” Titus said, peering in to see the pale faces of her granddaughter and the woman’s husband. The man clutched a belt knife in trembling hands, while his wife held a rolling pin in hers.

“This might serve you better,” Titus said, and picked up an axe one of the mutants had carried.

Old Mother Matthers snorted. “Don’t know how to use one of those. I’ve wielded a frying pan before, I tell you. I was quite a looker when I was younger, you know. Some men tried to get handsy when I didn’t want them to! Gave them a good licking with this same pan! Of course, there were some I didn’t mind so much. Them I took into a hayloft!”

“Grandmama!” her granddaughter gasped.

“What? I had six children, you know! Didn’t get that way by keeping my legs closed.”

Before the rather surreal conversation could continue, four mutants appeared around the cargo crates on the deck and charged. Titus and Freya spun to confront them, even as the misshapen howling creatures came on, wielding a motley collection of weapons. Titus took one in the neck with a sharp stab to the neck, the other he parried the clumsy blow of a wooden cudgel, then followed through, slicing the man’s scaly leg off at the knee. Even bone parted like soft green wood at runefangs swipe, and the creature fell over, skidding across the deck to land at Mother Mather’s feet. Her frying pan descended sharply, and the mutant’s pained hissing ended in a wet sucking sound.

“Where did they all come from?” Titus gasped, panting and glancing at Freya. She seemed not to have moved a muscle, but two headless bodies lay on the bloodied wooden deck at her feet, and her icy blade was dark with blood.

“The woods, I imagine. Though…” Freya shivered, looking pale as she glanced down the deck.

“They wanted you, for some reason,” Titus said. “We’ll have to drive them off.”

Leaving Mother Mathers, who assured them that she would “see to these blighted fools,” Titus and Freya made their way back along the other side of the cabins towards where the captain and crew stayed. There were still sounds of fighting, and they encountered several other mutants who were ravaging the passengers and crew alike. They proved to be no match for Titus’ blade, or even Freya’s, and they hastened to aid the surviving crew.

They found the captain and a few bloodied sailors held out against a dozen mutants of various shapes and sizes, led by a hunchbacked woman with a black pirates cap on her head, and a large cutlass that was less rusty than the others.

“Slaughter the fools! They cast us out, now offer their souls to our master!” the hunchback howled, raising up the cutlass.  “Offer their souls to Tzeentch!”

Titus felt his blood run cold. He had heard that profane name before, on the lips of beastmen as they howled out the name of their dark gods in battle. This was more than a simple piracy then: This was a raid by the twisted followers of one of the great evils from beyond the world.

“I should have known,” Freya growled, raising her blade. She bellowed out a challenge, glowing golden orbs appearing in the air around her. “Servant of the Weaver of Lies! A magus of the Tower of Hoeth stands before you! Let your evil perish in the light of the Lord of Wisdom!”

Titus groaned. While flowery speeches sounded good, giving them in the middle of a fight was a poor plan. Even as Freya spoke, two of the mutants raised slings, and let fly with stones towards Freya. A stone took her on the side of the head, and she collapsed, her display of mystic power sputtering and dying.

“There she is! The elf! The elf! Seize her, and her treasures! That’s what the dwarf wants!” the pirate leader ranted.

Several frothing mutants charged, and Titus had to duck and more sling stones whizzed through the air. He had no time to check on Freya. He met his foes in a clash of steel and fury, howling like a crazed wolf in the battle cry of his old regiment. He cut down one man with antlers like that of a deer, then stabbed a woman with needle sharp fangs and claw-like nails. A large man with a rusted mail shirt attacked him with a huge club, spittle dripping down his misshapen jaw, a third arm stabbing at Titus with a spear. He slashed at the man’s belly, and the rusty metal parted like rotted cloth, spilling the man’s guts at his feet. He desperately tried to grab his entrails with all three of his hands, until another blow lopped his head from his shoulders.

Despite Titus’ skill, he grunted in pain as one attacker came at him from the side, a stone tipped spear catching Titus in the leg. He stumbled slightly, and barely fended off another attack from a short man with reptilian eyes and pointed teeth. He thought he was done for, until a spike of ice took the man through the throat. He managed to stab the frog headed mutant with the spear in the leg to return the favor, then clove the amphibian head in half, even as he was forced to kneel.

Blood streaming over the left half of her face from a gash in her scalp, Freya staggered up to Titus.

“Drop your sword,” she slurred, holding up a glowing green hand.

Reluctantly, Titus set the blade beside him, gasping for breath as the mutants fought off another attack from the remaining crew. Freya set one hand on his leg, chanting a short spell. The wound closed, and the muscle knitted, before Freya retched and staggered to her hands and knees.

“You should see to yourself, that’s a nasty head wound,” Titus said, hastily picking his sword back up.

Wordlessly, Freya shook her head, then pointed to the fight before Titus. He saw Captain Holtmann go down, the pirate leader’s cutlass in his guts. For a twisted hunchback, the woman was spry, cackling as she attacked the beleaguered sailors.

With another howl, Titus surged forward, only stumbling slightly on his tender leg. He took out a hairy mutant with the muzzle of a dog with a savage blow that nearly sliced the thing in half, then confronted the pirate captain.

“I AM DAMNATION, QUEEN OF THIS RIVER! I WILL HAVE YOUR SWORD AND SOUL, AS OFFERINGS TO THE CHANGER OF WAYS!” the hunchback cackled, and chopped at Titus’ still weakened leg with her cutlas.

He parried the blow, then sliced at her head. She ducked, but his blow caught her hat, and sent it sailing off into the darkness.

“Your dark gods have no power here! Ulric guides my blade!” Titus bellowed, and howled again, pressing his attack.

His opponent parried, once, twice, then attempted to do so again. Titus aimed his blow for the center of the cutlass, and this time, he caught it dead on. His blade sheared through the metal with a grinding shriek, and his attack carried on through, slicing through the woman’s face. She gurgled in pain, her nose flopping over, and stumbled back. Titus drove forward, raising his sword in another massive overhand blow.

There was a sharp report, and pain flared in Titus’ side. He stumbled, looking stupidly down. A wound had opened up, a bloody hole that had blown a chunk out of the side. He wheezed, then sank down.

“You’ll pay for that,” the woman spat, and raised her broken cutlass.

With the last of his strength, Titus shoved his sword forward, right into the parted nose of the mutant, and into her brain. She froze, and Titus jerked his blade free. She toppled over, dead.

Propping himself up with the sword, Titus’ vision swam. He looked to the shore, where he saw the gleam of a golden smile. He collapsed to the deck, feeling his life blood leak out of him. The last thing he felt was hands on his body, dragging him away. A moment later, he was airborne for a brief moment, then he rocked back and forth. Something was pressed to his side, and the pain was hideous. Titus passed out.

=======================================

The carnage aboard the barge was deplorable. Heidi felt sick as she watched the few remaining mutants mutilate corpses, even cutting away sections of flesh and eating them raw, blood running down their jaws. She ignored the screams of several women who had been dragged below decks by laughing mutants, and steeled her resolve. When one rat faced little mutant tried to grab Heidi, she used the pistol Vicini had given her, and blew the disgusting thing’s head off.

“Good shot,” the dwarf grunted. Then he raised his voice. “THIS ONE IS MINE! TOUCH MY SLAVE, AND YOUR LIFE IS FORFEIT!”

The rest of the mutants backed off, and Heidi hastily reloaded the pistol as they walked, spilling a bit of black powder onto the deck. “Are you sure you got Titus? That was a long shot.”

They’d been on the shore, watching the attack take place. Vicini had killed a mutant who suggested he lead the attack, growling that he was “no slave to lead the charge.” A sensible position, from her point of view.

“I don’t miss,” Vicini grunted.

They found the body of Captain Damnation, though not her hat. Vicini looked around, to where two mutants were stripping the bodies of the dead captain and his sailors, looking for valuables. “Where is the elf and the man with the glowing blade?”

“Dead, or in the drink. Who cares? We have the ship!” one mutant cackled.

“Wrong answer,” Heidi said, lowering her reloaded pistol and cocking back the hammer. “Answer the question better, or I’ll kill you and find someone who can.”

The mutant flinched back, a nictitating membrane flashing over his cat’s eye pupils. “Don’t know! Don’t shoot! I can look, I can look! Maybe they tried to hide in the hold.”

“The man was wounded. I hit him in the side. He’ll bleed out soon,” Vicini growled. “Go. Search the entire ship. I don’t care about the bodies, but I want what that man and elf had on them.”

A brief but frantic search took place, and an older man with a steel blade was dragged up from the hold. His sword arm now ended in a stump, where his hand had been lost in the fighting.

“Sigmar curse you all! What treachery is this, that one of the Elder Race betrays us?” the man gasped, spitting in the face of Heidi and Vicini.

“That him?” Vicini demanded, turning to Heidi. “All humans look the same to me.”

Heidi picked up the sword, earning a squeak of protest from one of the mutants. She examined the fine Reikland steel: the sword was a rapier, and well made. Then she plunged the tip into the man’s chest. He coughed up blood, and slumped in the grip of the mutants.

“No. That’s not him,” Heidi said firmly. She turned to the mutants. “And the elf trollop?”

“No elves, we can’t find them,” one of the captors said, looking down at the dying man and licking his lips. “Can we eat this one?”

“Suit yourself,” Vicini grunted, and turned away.

Heidi hurried after him, blocking out the dying rasp of the man as he was eaten alive. She examined her new sword. She rather liked it. She’d always wanted a sword. It wasn’t as nice as Titus’, but, well, it was a place to start.

“They’ve fled,” Vicini growled. “Escaped, somehow. Come.”

They boarded one of the small boats, and Vicini withdrew a black object with a short fuse attached to it. Once they were away from the barge, Vicini lit the fuse, then tossed the bomb onto the barge. A moment later, it exploded in a shower of flame, which raced along the barge, rapidly consuming it.

“Kill any that try to come ashore,” Vicini told Heidi. “No survivors, no witnesses.”

She nodded. “Wouldn’t mind killing a few of those disgusting creatures.”

Vicini grunted. “They failed. Such is the price of failure. Remember that.”

Nodding quietly, Heidi took aim at a mutant that was bobbing in the water, gasping for air and trying to strike out for the shore that was only a hundred feet away. She missed on the first shot. But not on the second.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

When Titus came to, it was in a comfortable bed, of all things. He blinked, then looked up to see Freya, snoring softly and slumped in a chair at his bedside. She had one of his hands in her lap, and was gripping it tightly even in her sleep.

A bit of drool was leaking down the side of her mouth, and Titus smiled. Groaning, he sat up, then used a corner of his blanket to wipe at her mouth.

Gasping, Freya jerked away, blinking rapidly. “Titus! The pirates! They- Oh.”

“Gone, it seems,” Titus said, laying back down on the bed with a grimace of pain. “Where are we? And why am I not dead? I think I was shot.”

“You were,” Freya said, grimacing. “You’re still wounded. Priestess Estelle managed to heal your wound enough for you to live; I am still rather drained. I’ll do what I can later, but for now my powers are spent.”

There was a large bandage wrapped around Freya’s head, obscuring one of her eyes, and Titus nodded slowly. They’d both been grievously injured in the attack. “How did we survive? The captain, the crew…”

“All dead. They found the remains of a burned out hulk yesterday. You’ve been asleep for nearly two days,” Freya said quietly. “Mother Mather’s grandson Richard hauled you to a boat, while her granddaughter Emlia helped me into the same. We managed to row away, and the current carried us downriver to this town, Barenfahre. They treated our wounds. We’re staying in the Temple of Shallya.”

“I see.” Titus thought on this for a moment, then shook his head. “Those mutants, they were after you. Why?”

Freya looked down for a moment, and Titus thought he saw tears in her eyes. “I don’t know! My family…they do not like me but…to hire servants of Tzeentch…even my mother would not go so far.”

“Ah.” Titus decided not to pry further in that direction; it obviously conjured up painful memories. “Well, perhaps they simply wanted you for ransom.”

That made Freya snort derisively. She looked up, a sad smile on her face. “Even with who my uncle is, I don’t think my family would pay much. Honestly, I have no idea. Perhaps they thought I was someone else. Or…”

Freya glanced at the sword, which was wrapped in leather and lay at the foot of Titus’ bed.

“That would be a treasure worth going after. But who would know I had it, much less that you were with me?” Titus asked. “I cannot believe Zelda or Max would tell, and the only other person was…”

“Who?” Freya asked, frowning at him.

“Well, my uncle for one, but he wouldn’t sell us out to murderous mutants. The other…no. I think Heidi saw, it, but-”

Titus trailed off as Freya’s eyes blazed with a sudden fury. “Her? You showed that chit one of the legendary treasures of the world?”

“I didn’t know what it was at the time! And I didn’t show it to her, she peeked under the bed!” Titus said defensively.

Freya stood, wobbling slightly as she got to her feet. “You need rest, and I do as well. I should be able to heal the both of us on the morrow, provided the winds of magic blow strongly.”

Sighing, Titus sank back into his covers as Freya hobbled out of the door. Some time later, a kindly priestess came and tended to his wounds. She was young and comely, but a part of Titus longed for another’s hands to minister to him. Strange as it was, Titus was growing fond of that She-Elf. A pretty woman was well enough, but one that could fight with such fury…

It was folly. No elf woman would look upon a man with favor, that much Titus was certain of.

Of course, he couldn’t hear Freya crying herself to sleep.

A Cat Is Fine, Too, Chapter 5

It was a dark and stormy night. High atop her tower, the mighty sorceress and her minions concocted a powerful potion, muttering an incantation as she prepared to summon a mighty demon, to lay waste to her foes and-

“M-Megumin, what are you doing? Why are you writing that it’s dark and stormy? It’s a nice day, w-we should have our contest outside today.”

Megumin looked up from writing her letter and glowered at Yunyun, then took the tea that her best friend, I mean, arch-rival, had made for her, the kettle still whistling softly on the stove.

“You know why I have convened this coven, Yunyun. You are sworn to secrecy, and to our mighty alliance to banish the insidious foe that has infiltrated my home and disrupted the domestic tranquility of Axel!”

“I thought you just wanted to write a letter. And you said I could play with Chomusuke,” Yunyun said, sitting down and stroking the cat.

“I am the one who led us here!” Chomusuke purred, rubbing herself against Yunyun. “I have consented to allow you to also serve me, and to aid in my goal of ridding myself of that impetuous lesser half and claiming the affections of the male for myself.”

There was a snapping sound, and Yunyun sighed as Megumin broke her best pen and sent ink splattering all over the table. “I shall win in the battle of affection with Kazuma! I would not lose to Darkness, and I am not losing to my former pet!”

“Shouldn’t Kazuma get to pick who he likes?” Yunyun asked, weaving a spell to get the ink stains off the table.

“No!” Megumin and Chomusuke said at the same time.

“Hmph. If you wish to mate with the male, I shall grant you permission. So long as you agree to find me a suitable mate as well. One with sharp claws, and who is a good mouser,” Chomusuke sniffed.

“And I don’t mind him petting you and feeding you. But he’s mine, I tell you! Mine!” Megumin ranted. “And with this letter, I shall summon forth aid that shall secure us the victory! I know Kazuma’s weaknesses…and I shall exploit them!”

“MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Megumin and Chomusuke cackled together, the cat hopping into Megumin’s lap and swishing her tail back and forth.

Yunyun gave them both a pained smile. At least they were including her in this. She would like to have a boyfriend though…or a girlfriend…actually, Yunyun just wanted a friend.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Kazuma sat morosely at the bar, not certain what to do. Wolbach was having a “girls night” with Wiz and Aqua. He wasn’t really sure what that meant, but they were probably going to a spa or shopping or something. Whatever it was, it was sure to be boring. Wolbach had half hinted she wouldn’t mind if he tagged along, but Kazuma had said he was going to have an ale at the bar with the boys. Which meant he was actually letting Dust sit with him tonight.

“You look down in the dumps my friend!” Dust said, slapping Kazuma on the back. “I know what will cheer you up! Another round!”

“Yeah, and are you buying?” Kazuma asked, frowning at Dust.

His fellow adventurer and sometimes drinking buddy gave Kazuma a wounded look. “Kazuma, you know me. Do you even need to ask?”

“Luna! Another round. I’m paying,” Kazuma grumbled, and put a few eris on the bar.

“Thanks, you’re a real pal!” Dust said happily, holding his empty mug up to Luna. “The dice were not my friend today. You really have to come gambling with me again. I just bet on you, and the money rolls in!”

“Yeah, sure,” Kazuma muttered, nodding to Luna as she topped off his mug. He took a long drink, smacking his lips. Booze: the solution to all of life’s problems.

After an hour or so of drinking, Dust shook his head. “Kashuma…you ain’t…you ain’t no *hic* fun tonight. I gots…I gots me two tickets! Lolisha gave ‘em to me fer…fer…ah whatever you wanna go to the Good Place tonight?”

Kazuma didn’t even have to think about it. He slammed his mug down, standing up and putting his fist to his heart. “Dust. You know what to do for a man who’s heart aches. Come, my brother. Let us celebrate tonight!”

Wandering through the evening city, Dust and Kazuma together sang a bawdy song, leaning on one another as if they were brothers.

Oh the ladies are lovely at our special place

They give us sweet dreams with their lovely face

So whether you like them to be tall or small

Come to the house where they welcome all!

There were other, far cruder verses in the song, but the general idea was the same.

Once they arrived, Kazuma and Dust banged the door down, with Dust producing two coupons. “Lolisa! I’ve come to collect! And one for my best friend!”

Kazuma almost said they were more like acquaintances, but since Dust was offering him a fantastic dream, he was willing to be best friends for at least one night.

“Oh, hi Dust, hi Kazuma!” The Loli Succubus said, waving and coming over with two forms. She was dressed in her usual lingerie, and Kazuma recognized her from his own interrupted dream a few months back. “Thanks for helping us out the other day with our little problem, Dust. Sena’s been a great customer since then! Please, fill out your forms. Though, uh…are you sure you want a dream tonight? You’re both pretty drunk…”

“Ah, you’re talented. Kazuma needs sweet dreams tonight!” Dust declared, and hastily began to fill out his form. “Lets see…hmm…yes, I want a girl about my age…boobs not too big…maybe a bit of a pushy one. You know, a real boss in the bedroom. Hmm, light brown hair, smiles a lot when she’s not mad…and a tail! She should have a tail. Those are very important.”

Lolisa giggled, taking Dust’s form. “Hmm, I wonder who that could be! Don’t worry, I won’t tell.”

“Tell who?” Dust said defensively. “Just a dream girl. One I made up.”

Kazuma and Lolisa shared a knowing look. Well, at least Dust could very literally get lucky with Rin in his dreams tonight.

“Well, I know what I want. No flat chests for me: Great big hooters! Some real badonkadonks! And an elf! She definitely needs to be an elf. With red hair, cut short. And a red mark here, in the center of her forehead. Tall too, though I’m definitely taller.”

“Oh no you aren’t,” Lolisa said, half under her breath. “I think we can do something…though, uh, I didn’t know you’d met the General.”

“What general?! I didn’t meet any Generals of the Devil King!” Kazuma protested, doing his best to look innocent.

“What about the Dullahan?” Dust asked.

“Ok, I met him, but that was more of a-”

“And that slime guy you were telling me about in Alcanretia,” Dust continued. “And didn’t you get kidnapped by one when you visited Yunyun’s village?”

“Ok, fine! I’ve met a few! But I certainly wouldn’t sleep with any of them!” Kazuma snapped. Then he blushed. Well, maybe Wiz. But she didn’t count! And Wolbach was retired.

“Don’t worry, it’s just a dream, we won’t tell,” Lolisa teased. She hesitated, then lowered her voice. “Um, Kazuma…is ah, your archpriest…?”

“She’s out for the night, some weird shopping trip or something,” Kazuma said dismissively. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Oh, great! We’ll deliver your dreams soon. Now hurry off to bed!” Lolisa said, and waved farewell as Dust and Kazuma sniggered and exited.

“Well, I’m off to bed. Gonna sleep real well tonight,” Kazuma declared, adjusting his belt and leering as they strode down the alley.

“Heh heh heh. Oh yeah! Nothing but good dreams for the both of us. See you later, pal! Thanks for the drinks!” Dust said, swaggering off himself.

Rubbing their hands, Dust and Kazuma hastened for their beds, and their eagerly awaited dreams. They didn’t see the three sets of glowing eyes watching them as they left the succubus shop.

“You’re way too good at this,” Megumin commented to Yunyun, who had picked their observation point. “You have got to stop stalking me.”

“I-I do not stalk you! I, um, I just gather intelligence…for our duels!” Yunyun protested. “B-besides…you said you wanted to spy on them…”

“Well, that was more interesting than them going to the bar. I’ve never been here before, but I’ve seen Kazuma come this way a few times,” Megumin commented.

“Hmm, this place smells of demons,” Chomusuke hissed, her tail twitching. “We should hunt them!”

“I-I took a bath this morning!” Yunyun protested, surreptitiously sniffing her own armpit.

“Not you. My familiar is powerful, and this must be a place of dark magic,” Megumin said, stepping out from behind the stacked crates they’d been hiding behind. “Let us reconnoiter more closely.”

The two girls and the cat headed for the unmarked shop, and opened it up. When she saw what was inside, Megumin raised her hand.

Darkness blacker than black, crimson redder than blood-

“Megumin! You can’t blow up this place!” Yunyun wailed, tackling Megumin to the floor. “My friend is here!”

“What friend!? You’re a loser with no friends at all!” Megumin protested, flailing about on the floor. “Get off me before I smite you as well!”

“Yunyun!? What are you doing here!” Lolisa flitted over, looking concerned. “Who is- oh. Megumin? But…we don’t normally serve girls…”

“Unhand me, that I might smite this streetwalker demoness who takes an overly familiar tone with me!” Megumin raged, shoving Yunyun off of her. She stood up, straightening her hat and glaring at Lolisa. “Speak, demon, before I destroy you!”

“Um, well…you just don’t recognize me like this,” Lolisa said, blushing. “But we’ve met before…”

“When!? I do not make a habit of speaking to women such as you!” Megumin spat.

Wincing, Lolisa made a shushing motion. “Shhh! The others are all out working, it’s just me minding the store tonight! But if someone hears you…”

“Um, I think I do recognize you…who are you?” Yunyun asked, frowning. “Were you one of the demons I tried to summon to, uh…”

“No, I’m…” Lolisa sighed. “It will be easier to show you…please don’t tell anyone…”

She spun about, and in a flash of magical energy, the succubus vanished, replaced by a pink haired girl who appeared to be the same age as Megumin and Yunyun. Instead of the provocative fetish gear she usually wore, Lolisa was now dressed in a fairly modest green and white dress with a knee length skirt. Her bat wings and tail were nowhere to be seen and she did indeed look like an ordinary person.

“Lolisa?!” both Crimson Demons gasped.

“Yeah…it’s actually short for um…loli succubus,” Lolisa admitted. “It’s not my real name…I don’t tell people that one, cause, um…”

“Because you are a demon and knowing your true name would allow us to command you!” Megumin gasped. She reached out and grabbed Lolisa’s shoulders. “How did Cadzuma and Dust learn your name?! What vile acts have they compelled you to?!”

“I thought you just were a part of Dust’s party and liked to visit Wiz’s shop,” Yunyun admitted. “I see you there all the time when I’m working…”

Lolisa blushed and looked down. “Uh, you see…this is my real job…and Kazuma doesn’t know my name! He and Dust…they’re just customers…”

Rage filled Megumin’s eyes again. “So, what did you do to them!? Did you lay with both at once, or-”

“No! That would, ah…well, it would probably kill them…I’m not very experienced and if I actually lay with a man I think I’d probably kill him…that’s why I don’t do that. The other succubi talk about it like it’s fun, but it’s also a good way to get a lot of people angry at you so they hunt you down and kill you. We just, ah…welllllll,” Lolisa tapped her pointer fingers together, blushing.

Yunyun gasped, covering her mouth with both hands. “You mean…you KISS them!?”

“Uh, I do Dust sometimes…when I give him dreams…I sort of…I mean…if I were a mortal…I like him,” Lolisa admitted.

Megumin and Yunyun exchanged disgusted looks. “Dust!?”

“He’s a horrible human being, even worse than Kazuma! By comparison, Kazuma is a chivalrous man who treats women with respect and always pays his debts!” Megumin snorted.

“Uh, even I wouldn’t date Dust…or be his friend…we talk sometimes but…uh…he’s kinda sleezy,” Yunyun said, looking embarrassed to be speaking ill of anyone.

“Not to me. He treats me…well…like a person. He’s helped me become a better succubus! My customer satisfaction rating has gone way up since Dust started helping me! I give him coupons as thanks,” Lolisa explained.

“Just what exactly do you do to them,” Megumin asked, her eyes narrowing. “Because if you have stolen Kazuma’s first kiss…”

Lolisa made a face. “Uh, no. Kazuma’s just…well…we deal with some scummy guys…but he’s the scummiest. I put up with him because he’s Dust’s friend, but…”

“You seriously like Dust better than Kazuma?” Megumin asked, looking baffled.

Yunyun shook her head. “Um, Lolisa, no offense…but you have really weird taste in friends…”

“Coming from you, that’s rich,” Megumin snorted, but she nodded her agreement.

“Hmph. Well, I still like Dust better,” Lolisa declared, folding her arms over her modest chest. “I just give them dreams. They fill out forms, like this, and then we give them an erotic dream with the partner they- HEY!”

Megumin had snatched the forms out of Lolisa’s hand, and was quickly reading it, her face growing redder and redder. “ARRRGHHH!”

Megumin ripped both papers in half, then tossed them on the floor and began to stomp on them.

“M-Megumin! Don’t do that! I have to give those forms to the other girls when they come back! I was going to take Dust’s dream, but-”

Megumin grabbed the front of Lolisa’s dress and pulled the succubus in close. “No. That is not at ALL what you are going to do. I have some changes. Changes that you WILL make to Kazuma’s dream. Understand?”

“No! I can’t do it! My honor as a succubus won’t allow it!” Lolisa protested. “Let me go! If you don’t, I…I’ll make you! I-I’m an Adventurer too, you know and-”

“Hmmm, I think not. You shall do as my servant says, Demon. Or I shall banish you.”

Lolisa froze, then slowly looked up to the brim of Megumin’s hat, where Chomusuke was crouching. She swallowed, her eyes going very wide. “G…G….G…Goddess! H-HELP!”

“Silence, demon,” Chomusuke hissed, and jumped onto Lolisa’s shoulders, curling her tail about the succubus’ neck. “You will do as my servant commands. I will banish my lesser half, and reclaim my stolen slave. You will do this, or…”

Chomusuke drew a claw across Lolia’s shoulder, drawing a bit of blood, and making the young succubi whimper, her eyes filling with tears.

“Stop it!” Yunyun snatched up Chomusuke, who yowled, then smacked Megumin upside the back of her head so hard that Megumin let go and staggered. “You’re being mean! Lolisa is my friend! Um, aren’t you?”

Tears trickling down her cheeks, Lolisa frantically nodded.

“Good! Now, Lolisa…listen…um…you see…Megumin is in love with Kazuma…she needs your help. You…you’d help her get the man she loves back, right?”

“Oh! Is it really like that?” Lolisa gasped.

Megumin looked sullen, but nodded. “Yes. I will claim him, and not allow that big breasted pointy eared floozy to steal him.”

“Oh! I see…well…um, most succubi would say it’s our job to poison love and spread misery…but I’m not actually a very good succubus. I’ll do it!” Lolisa agreed, wiping away her tears and smiling.

“Good. Because here is what you’ll do…” Megumin outlined her plan, filling out another form in exhaustive detail before giving it to Lolisa.

“Ok, I can do that,” Lolisa agreed. She eyed Chomusuke. “Um…you won’t hurt me…right?”

“If you perform your service well, I shall allow you to continue to exist upon this plane, yes,” Chomusuke agreed, licking the back of one of her paws as she perched atop the table they were sitting at.

“Oh thank goodness,” Lolisa said, sighing in relief. “Um, well…I’ve got work to do! So…”

“We shall take our leave. I will be waiting at the mansion. Do your job, demon,” Megumin huffed, picking up Chomusuke and cradling the cat in her arms. She flounced out, slamming the door of the shop behind her.

“Um, Lolisa, one other thing,” Yunyun said. She hastily took out a form, scribbling something on it. “Do this for Dust…OK?”

Lolisa read the form, then her eyes went wide. “B-but Yunyun! That would-”

“You’d enjoy it, right? And…well…I think Dust would too,” Yunyun said.

Tears filled Lolisa’s eyes, and she hugged Yunyun tightly. “Thank you! I…I wouldn’t have the courage myself…if there’s anything I can do for you…”

“Um…there is…one thing. Do you only do dreams for boys, or…?” Yunyun blushed, tapping her fingers together.

Lolisa laughed. “Mostly! It’s usually incubi for girls. But, for a friend…”

“Oh good! Um, I’ll just fill out this form then,” Yunyun said hastily. “Uh, I-I don’t want anything lewd, I just…I really want to have a birthday party, with friends…”

Lolisa nodded soberly. “I think I can do that.”

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-==-=-=-=

The glowing light of the teleport circle faded, and Wolbach let out a huge sigh. Then she brushed her damp hair out of her face, and grinned at Aqua and Wiz. “That was…”

“That was so much fun!” Aqua cackled, hefting the double armful of treasure she was carrying, coins falling out of her arms to ping on the floor of Wiz’s shop. “I haven’t killed that many undead in ages!”

Wiz was looking a little pale and breathing hard, but she managed to smile. “T-thank you for not banishing me along with the Vampire Lord, Aqua.”

“Hey, no problem. You’re my friend, not like that stinky vampire! Phew!” Aqua laughed, and set her treasure down on the table. “Help me count it! You guys both get a share too!”

“Eh, I got enough,” Wolbach said, tossing a small bag up in the air, then catching it. The bag jingled, and glowing gems could be seen within. “Between that and my sweet new belt, I got some good loot.”

“Yes, my shop hasn’t been doing so well, and Hoizabaru has such wonderful new items to order, so it was time for my monthly dungeon run!” Wiz said brightly, sitting down across from Aqua. “We’ll split the loot here 50-50, Aqua.”

“Sounds good! But I want the tiara!” Aqua took a silver tiara out of the pile, the crown gleaming with sapphire. “It matches my outfit!” Setting it on her head, Aqua preened and giggled.

“Oooo, nice, very good accessorizing. How’s mine look?” Wolbach asked, cocking her hips to show off her new belt. It was inscribed with magical runes, and had a few gemstones set into it.

“It goes perfectly with your robes!” Wiz said, clapping her hands. “Oh! What about this ring? Do you want it for Kazuma?”

Wiz held out a golden ring, which was inscribed with wings on it.

“Hmm, not a bad idea. The man’s kinda weak, he could use this to get out of tight spots,” Wolbach agreed, taking the ring and dropping it in her pouch. “I’ll give it to him as a present later.”

“What about you, Wiz? Oh, what about this arm band!” Aqua said, pushing across a platinum bracer set with rubies.

“Oh, that looks nice! Let me just try it -EEEEEEEEEE!” Wiz shrieked, falling to the floor and convulsing.

“You morons! That’s a Bracer of Regeneration! It hurts undead!” Wolbach snarled, ripping the magical item off of Wiz’s arm and beaning Aqua in the head with it.

“Wah! How was I supposed to know!” Aqua wailed, rubbing the welt on her forehead.

“Ugh…never mind. Wiz, are you OK? Here, drain a little energy from me,” Wolbach said, putting her hand in Wiz’s

“Oh…thank you…” Wiz used Drain Touch, and while Wolbach felt a little weaker, Wiz looked much better.

Sighing, Wolbach watched as Aqua and Wiz started to divide the spoils.

“Hmm, how much is this worth?” Aqua asked, holding up a gem.

“Oh, that’s 14,000 eris! Hmm, I already have 5000 eris, and you have 7000…so if I add my 5000 to 14000, that’s uh…hmm, let me get a pen and paper.”

“No, wait, I got it,” Aqua bit her lip and wagged her fingers a bit. “Seven plus 14…carry the one…uh…it’s…107000? No, wait…that’s if you multiply.”

Groaning, Wolbach put a hand to her forehead. That dungeon crawl had been fun, but these two… “I…I think I’ll just go. Will you two be long?”

“Oh, this shouldn’t take long!” Wiz said brightly. “Now let’s see…14 + 7…that’s twenty one…oh, but it’s in thousands…uh…1021? No, wait, that can’t be right…”

“Dummy, you have to line the numbers up, like this! There, see? Now, four plus seven is 11, and you have the on there, so it’s twelve.”

“I-I don’t think that’s right…oh, let me try again…”

“Yeah, you’re gonna be a while,” Wolbach groaned, rubbing her face. Then, an idea struck her. “Say, didn’t Darkness say she was going to visit her family?”

“Yeah, she’ll be gone for at least two days,” Aqua confirmed.

“And Megumin’s staying with Yunyun, so…”

“So what?” Aqua asked, looking up blankly at Wolbach.

“So Kazuma and I would have the mansion to ourselves,” Wolbach said, blushing furiously.

“Yeah, I guess. But I thought you were staying with Wiz,” Aqua asked.

“Oh, I could just count by sevens! Now, let’s see… seven…fourteen…twenty one! Ah, and then I add the zeroes…20001!” Wiz said brightly. Then she frowned. “Oh, no…that can’t be right…”

“...I’ll just be going then,” Wolbach said, and hastened out of the shop before her brain melted.

Charisma based casters. She loved Wiz like a sister, but that woman had clearly never been a wizard. As for Aqua…well…at least she was good at art.

Wolbach headed back to the mansion, feeling butterflies in her stomach. Her and Kazuma, alone together…no interruptions. She’d never been in a house alone with a man before…he was probably in bed already…what if Wolbach went into his bedroom wearing her new belt…and nothing else?

No, no, that was too forward, and too fast. Not that she intended to let Kazuma take the lead. She was an ancient and experienced goddess! She would be the one in control! Just, uh…maybe she’d just let him touch her again…or they could take a bath together…a proper one this time. She shivered slightly, excited at the prospect, but also nervous.

She practiced what she’d say on the way back, coaching herself on how to phrase it.

“Hey, Kazuma, I’m all sweaty from my dungeon crawl, can you wash my back?”

“No, that’s stupid. I don’t want him to think of me as some gross sweaty brute!”

“Oh, Kazuma, I felt like a warm bath. Would you wash my back? I’ll wash yours!”

“Hmm, better, but a little too plain…”

As Wolbach walked up the steps, she’d just about worked up what she would say, when she sniffed the air. Her blood ran cold.

“Demon! That’s a succubus! Oh, no! KAZUMA!”

She raced into the mansion, muttering a spell, her fingers crackling with lightning. She kicked open the door to Kazuma’s room, worried she’d find nothing but a dried out husk.

“AAAAAAH! NO, PLEASE, NOT AGAIN!”

A shrieking figure toppled off of Kazuma’s bed, then desperately scrambled for the open window. Wolbach pointed a finger, and the shutters slammed and locked themselves, as Wolbach advanced on her victim. “What have you done to Kazuma, demon?!”

“AAAAH! Please, no wait, I- huh? General Wolbach!?”

Wolbach froze, one hand raised as ice swirled about it, the other coated in flames. She looked down at the demoness, who had assumed the form of a young girl. Oddly, she didn’t have the normal bat ears and tail, having shapeshifted to resemble a normal human. Had she been seducing Kazuma, lying to him to suck him dry?

Looking over at Kazuma, Wolbach saw he was sleeping peacefully. In fact, he had a faint smile on his face. Some sort of spell was layered over him. It had to be a compulsion or charm, something to lure Kazuma to- wait. That was…a dream modification spell?

“What did you do to him, demon?” Wolbach hissed, bending over the frightened looking succubus.

“J-just what Megumin told me to! P-please! Don’t hurt Kazuma! He’s kind of a jerk, but…I know you’re a general, a-and that he killed a few of your peers…but he’s helped me out before! He’s a good human!” the young succubus pleaded, getting to her knees and catching the hem of Wolbach’s robe.

Wolbach lowered her hands, her spells fizzling. “Tell me exactly what’s going on, and why you’re here.”

As the succubus, who claimed to be named Lolisa of all things, babbled, Wolbach only got angrier. But not at the succubus.

“Kazuma Sato…you will pay for this!”

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Kazuma was dreaming and knew it, but he didn’t mind. He sat in the hot springs in Alcanretia, relaxing in the warm mineral waters, which were thankfully unpurified in this dream, and waiting.

“Heh heh. Any moment now she’ll show up,” Kazuma chuckled, leaning back and closing his eyes.

The door to the baths opened and shut, the wood creaking, and Kazuma cracked a smile. Perfect. This time, he’d reenact when he’d met Wolbach, but there would be no stupid cat to get in his way.

“Hey! Kazuma, what are you doing here!? This is the women’s bath!”

Kazuma’s eyes shot up, and he blinked in confusion. “Megumin!? What are you doing- hold on.”

Before him stood Megumin, only…not. Instead of her usual boyish figure, the girl had absolutely massive boobs. Not Darkness sized, or even Wiz sized, but comically oversized breasts, the sort on that really weird fetish art that had always slightly grossed Kazuma out.

“Hmph! Well, if you’re here, you can always wash my back,” Megu-Boobs said, huffing and making to take off the towel that was straining to cover her overclocked mammaries.

“Hey! Lolisa! You screwed up! What’s Megumin doing here!? And I said a decent rack, not THAT!” Kazuma shouted, jumping up in the bath. “You’d better fix this, I’m a paying customer!”

“How dare you insult my chest! Just because I haven’t fully developed yet isn’t a reason to mock me,” Megu-boobs declared.

Kazuma turned to look at her, incredulous. “Not developed yet!? Ok, look, I know you’re a bit flat chested IRL, but this is insane! I wouldn’t mind if your boobs were a little bigger, but this!? Huh-uh. No. Not doing it for me.”

“P-pervert! As an apology, I demand you wash my back!”

“Yeah, no. I want a refund! Wake me up! We’re doing this again, Lolisa! If this is your idea of a joke, I don’t think it’s funny!” Kazuma declared.

“Oh, neither do I.”

A grin spread over Kazuma’s face, and he turned to see Wolbach striding towards him, her expression stormy.

“Ah, excellent! See! That’s a proper woman! Not…whatever YOU are,” Kazuma said to Megu-Boobs.

“Who are you, to disrupt my and Kazuma’s bath! He is mine!” Megu-boobs declared, whipping off her towel

Wolbach paused in her stride forward, looking disgusted. “What is…OK, I know that Lolisa said she was inexperienced…but that’s just gross.” She turned to Kazuma, jerking a thumb at Megu-boobs. “Seriously? Does THAT turn you on?”

“No! I like boobs as much as the next guy, but that’s just unnatural. Like I said, yours are the only pair for me. Now, you can wash my back, then after that, a blow job, and then I think we’ll-”

“Oh, so you think I’m here to service you? This is the dream you asked for, mister. She can wash your back. But she’ll be using steel wool,” Wolbach hissed.

“Huh? Look, I know I said I wanted an assertive woman, and, uh, well, I was trying to order you, but that steel wool thing is Darkness’ style, not mine.”

“Begone, interloper! I shall strike you down! Come, Kazuma, are not my breasts more beautiful than hers?” Megu-Boobs said, thrusting her chest out.

“Ick.” Kazuma raised his arms in a warding gesture. “Lolisa! Get her out of here! I wanted a date with Wolbach, not Megumin, and ESPECIALLY not whatever you did to Megumin!”

Wolbach blinked. “Wait, you…you wanted a date with me?”

“Yeah…” Kazuma rubbed the back of his head. “I sort of regretted not going on your girls night thing. You probably would have just made me carry the bags while you shopped…but, well…it could have been interesting. Argh! Why am I telling you this? You’re just a dream! I should just-”

“I am no dream! I am the woman of your dreams, Kazuma!” Megu-boobs interrupted. “Now, make love to me, and we shall write our legend in explosions and blood across the-”

“FREEZE!” Kazuma pointed his finger at Megu-boobs, who squealed as ice formed over her. “Just shut up! Let me have this moment! How am I ever supposed to have a private time with Wolbach if you keep interrupting!”

“Oh, I’ll handle this.” Wolbach waved a hand, and Megu-boobs suddenly shifted.

A moment later, a small black cat, one a lot like Chomusuke, appeared. “Nyan?”

“Hmm, that is satisfying. Now go to sleep,” Wolbach said, and the cat curled up in a bucket, and began to snore.

“Perfect! Now, wash my back,” Kazuma ordered.

“Oh, I don’t think so. You’ve got some explaining to do, mister. Why would you hire a SUCCUBUS?!” Wolbach snarled, poking Kazuma in the chest with a finger.

Anger washed over Kazuma, and he grabbed Wolbach’s finger. “Because I’m scared, OK!? Because you’re a knockout, a bombshell! A 10/10 babe!”

“Well that doesn’t explain why you’d pay a demon to-”

Kazuma grabbed Wolbach and pulled her into a kiss. This was his dream, dammit. When they parted, they were both breathing hard, and Wolbach was blushing furiously.

“I don’t know how to talk to 3D girls, OK!? Even after living with Darkness, Megumin and Aqua! You’re just…you’re special! I want you to like me! Shit, I want you to LOVE me as much as I think I love you! You make me FEEL things I didn’t think I could! And dammit, if I’m going to spank it to someone, it’s going to be you! And since this is just a dream, we can do more than just that! We can go all the way here, even if I’m too scared to do that in the real world, and you are too! So I can practice what I’d do here, and then, ARRGH! I don’t know! I can’t explain it! So, just…just…”

Kazuma kissed Wolbach again. This time, she pulled him in close, and stuck her tongue in his mouth. When they broke apart, she smiled at him. “You are such a screw up, you know?”

“Takes one to know one,” Kazuma grumbled.

“Yeah…can’t screw up much more than getting kicked out of heaven and sealed away for a few hundred years…then end up as a damn cat,” Wolbach said, looking so dejected that her ears wilted slightly.

“Hey. As long as we’re screw ups together, right?” Kazuma asked. He grinned. “Now how about that bath?”

Wolbach glanced at the water, then blushed. “Well….I was going to invite you to one…I suppose…and we could…do more here…since it’s just a dream…”

“Exactly!” Kazuma agreed.

“Just uh…not so sure about the blow job…I um…I’ve never…you know…” Wolbach flushed and looked away.

“Hey, it’s just a dream. Besides, you dream girls always know what to do. Or at least the succubi do.”

Anger flashed over Wolbach’s face. “I wouldn’t bring them up if I were you, mister, or that bath is likely to turn into boiling oil.”

“Huh? Oh, sure. Uh…I’ll wash your back if you wash mine?” Kazuma offered.

Wolbach grinned, and stripped off her robe. “Hmm, our first meeting place. Does it hold a special place in your heart?”

“Just like you do,” Kazuma assured her, and jumped into the bath.

Meanwhile, Megumin sat on her bed, rubbing her hands. “Mwa-ah-ha-ha! I’ll let Kazuma get buttered up by dream me, then I’ll sneak into his room, and he’ll be putty in my hands.”

“Hmm. Yes.” Chomusuke, who was sitting on Megumin’s pillow, yawned. “But first…some sleep. I’m tired.”

“I suppose I should lay down for a bit,” Megumin agreed, yawning herself. Plotting was tiring work. She lay down. She’d just close her eyes for five minutes…

In moments, snoring sounds filled her room, as not too far away, Wolbach and Kazuma lay in bed next to one another, their hands entwined.

The Melancholy of Kazuma Sato, Chapter 49

The ground shook, and thunder sounded as an army advanced into an abattoir. Feeling sick, Sasaki watched as endless ranks of automatons marched into a series of death traps, from collapsing walls, to giant golems that crushed them, to pit traps that sent them plummeting, to all manner of destruction raining down.

“This is dumb. Who cares if a bunch of golems get blown up?” Komekko complained.

Kyoko reached over and swatted the back of Komekko’s head, prompting the other girl to cry out and glare over at the esper. The three of them were currently laying atop a rocky overlock to the battlefield down below them, where the forces of the few human holdouts of the recently revived Kingdom of Termine were doing battle with what appeared to be an endless horde of murderbots, created by the Machine Demon General Oxerio.

“Don’t glare at me like that, Komekko. You know Sasaki’s alternate self is down there somewhere, caught up in the battle,” Kyoko snapped, gesturing at the destruction taking place below them.

“So? Then we blow up the other side’s golems!” Komekko argued.

“The other side is my parents, who are fighting for the last free humans on this planet,” Sasaki said, feeling sick and uncertain. “I…I used to hate them, but…well…I can’t blame them too much for being willing to sacrifice me. I thought they did it just for power, but…this place…”

“Hey now, the humans in Komekkopolis are free! I freed them myself,” Komekko argued, sticking out her lower lip and pouting. She sighed and slid down the slope slightly, crossing her arms and frowning. “Look, I can either blow up one side or the other. Or both. But the whole point I thought was to help save Sasaki.”

Sasaki let herself slide down next to Komekko, grimacing when some gravel got under her clothes and scratched at her. She sat up, trying to get the dirt and grime out. “Look, the point is to gather intelligence. We need to take our time here. Figure out what’s going on. My memories of this place are a little hazy. And we have to consider how both sides would react to us showing up. Going in guns blazing is suicide.”

“Which is why I would go in with Advanced magic instead of some weak and pathetic technology. I’ve seen what guns can do, and I’m not impressed,” Komekko said smugly.

“It’s an expression. And she’s right. We really should wait and take our time,” Kyoko agreed, still looking out over the slope. “Huh. Looks like things are winding down. Another pit trap opened up and cut off the murder bots, so those Earth Golems are crushing what’s left. You…you’ll be OK, right, Sasaki?”

“I remember falling into a pit trap, but if we changed the timeline somehow,” Sasaki felt vaguely sick. What would happen if she died here, in her own past? Would her parents even be able to defeat the Demon King?

“Fine. Well, there’s other demon generals we can fight, right? Let’s go do that, speed things up a bit. I’m getting bored and hungry just sitting here,” Komekko whined.

“You know, for a supposedly powerful Devil Queen, you sure act like a spoiled brat,” Kyoko muttered.

Komekko stuck her tongue out. “I’m sixteen, just like you two! I’m no more of a brat than you are.”

“You know I never thought that the manga depictions of gods and demons as bratty teenagers would be so accurate to real life,” Kyoko sighed. “Do I really have to be the adult here?”

“You’re not my mom,” Komekko grumbled.

“No, but we can tell Wiz,” Sasaki said sweetly.

Komekko blushed and looked away. “Hmph. Whatever. We can go fight somewhere else, right? Or at least get some more food.”

“I want to keep an eye on what’s happening here,” Sasaki said, crawling back up beside Kyoko.

“You just want to peep on your parents. You should just turn them into animals like I did my dad. It’s very satisfying,” Komekko said, crawling up beside Sasaki.

“We’re not plotting the evil downfall of humanity,” Sasaki hissed. “Maybe you are, but Kyoko and I are the good guys!”

“Says the one teamed up with a Devil Queen,” Komekko snorted. She frowned down at the battlefield. “Ugh, golems. How boring. This Seiya guy has no style.”

“That we can agree on,” Sasaki muttered. “He’s a jerk.”

“Hey, do you guys sense something?” Kyoko asked, sitting up slightly and looking around. “Like…a disturbance. I don’t know…I was sensing not much in the way of psychic presence around here, but now I don’t sense anything.”

“Why’s that weird? There’s no one out here, that’s what makes it so boring,” Komekko sighed.

Hairs rose up on the back of Sasaki’s neck. “Oh no. RUN!”

She grabbed Sasaki, just as a bolt of fire shot out from a nearby hilltop. Both girls screamed and toppled down the steep slope on the other side, sharp rocks and gravel biting into them painfully for a few seconds. Kyoko managed to jerk them to a stop with her telekenisis, and they looked up to see Komekko desperately hurling lightning and fire at a figure with a glowing sword and burnished armor who was parrying her blows.

“No,” Sasaki gasped. She couldn’t quite make the man out, but she knew who it was. “KOMEKKO! DON’T KILL HIM! THAT’S MY- THAT’S THE HERO!”

She barely kept herself from saying it was her father. She couldn’t spit that out. Not at this crucial moment.

“I know it’s a hero! I’ll deal with him and- STOP ATTACKING! I HAVEN’T EVEN INTRODUCED MYSELF!” Komekko screamed.

Seiya Ryuuguuin, looking about twenty years younger than the man Sasaki knew as her father paused. “Why? Introductions are a waste of breath.”

Komekko’s nostrils flared. “What?! Introductions are how you show how cool you are, and intimidate your foes with awesome poses and your cool titles! I don’t even know who you are! If you’re a REAL hero, you’ll let me introduce myself, monologue a bit, then give a defiant speech!”

“Hmm. I see. Well, I suppose I’ll let you go first then,” Seiya said, lowering his sword and standing up straight.

“Mwahahaha! Good!” Komekko flung her cape out behind her dramatically, taking a pose by covering one eye with an eye patch she produced from seemingly nowhere and standing with her legs splayed. “BEHOLD! I AM KOMEKKO, FOREMOST-”

“No, it’s a trap!” Sasaki wailed, but it was too late. As soon as Komekko was distracted by her introduction, Seiya charged again, using some sort of flash step ability to get behind her, slicing Komekko across the back with his sword. She cried out, staggering, but Seiya didn’t pause in his assault, kicking her in the stomach, then stabbing her in the shoulder with the sword.

“NO! STOP!” Sasaki wailed, stretching out her hand. Komekko might be a Devil Queen, but well, she was Sasaki’s friend now, and perhaps her one lifeline out of this mess.

Bleeding profusely, Komekko crumpled, and the next thing Sasaki knew, her father was beside her.

“No. Please. Not again,” Sasaki whispered, tears making her vision swim. She saw the flat of the sword swing towards her face, and her vision blacked out.

When Sasaki came to, she felt a gentle hand on her forehead. “Mom?”

“Shhh. Just rest. I’m healing your wounds. That idiot gorilla went too hard on you girls. If I hadn’t managed to stop him in time, he would have just killed you. I swear, that man is too extreme. You clearly aren’t spies for the Devil King.”

The voice was that of Sasaki’s mother, but her stomach did a flip flop. She managed to open her eyes, and it was the face of her mother. Unlike her father, her mother’s face didn’t seem to have aged much. She recalled a few more lines, and a bit more weariness in the face of Tiana, but Ristarte the Goddess was clearly the same woman, looking only a few years instead of two decades younger. Though, the holy glow and blonde hair were different.

“S-sorry. I thought,” Sasaki managed, anxious that her identity was compromised.

Ristarte smiled, tilting her head to one side just like Sasaki’s mother always did. “Don’t worry, you’re not the first person I’ve healed to think I was their mother! But, I’m Ristarte, Goddess of Healing. Who are you, exactly?”

“I’m,” Sasaki paused, and for a moment tried to think of an alias. Then she realized that her parents would have called her Kiriko anyway, and wouldn’t know who Sasaki was. It wasn’t exactly a rare name anyway. “...I’m Sasaki. Sasaki Sato. I’m from-”

“That’s a Japanese name! But, Seiya was supposed to be the only hero sent here!” Ristarte gasped.

Oh, right. “Uh, a-actually, I was sent to a place called Belzerg…”

“Oh.” Ristarte rolled her eyes. “Of course. How did Aqua screw up this time…”

Ah. So her mother did know that place, even now. That probably made sense. “We, um, we are a party who was working to defeat the Devil Queen of Belzerg…Komekko is from the Crimson Demon Clan, but Kyoko and I are from Japan. I’m not sure how we ended up here…”

“I told you she was evil. We should kill all three of them.”

Sasaki jumped and sat up, finding her father leaning against a wall and looking at her impassively. “S-sir! Um, I-I’m just an ordinary Japanese school girl, as is Kyoko! And, well, Komekko says she’s a demon, but, er-”

“Seiya, the Crimson Demon Clan are from one of Aqua’s worlds. They’re just crazy, but they’re just human, not actually demons,” Ristarte said, standing and going to glare up at her husband. Or…future husband? They couldn’t be married if she was still a goddess, right? Or were they lovers even now? This was making Sasaki’s head hurt…

“Hmph. You say you’re from Japan. Who won World War II?” Seiya demanded, pushing Ristarte aside, then behind him, as if to shield her from Sasaki.

“Well, you seem to be operating under the assumption that we’re from the same Japan. I believe that multiple versions likely exist. But, in my version, Japan lost World War II after the United States dropped two nuclear bombs on the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.”

“That’s a foolish point of view. The real reason Japan surrendered was that the Soviet Union declared war,” Seiya said with a snort.

Sasaki opened her mouth to argue, then sighed and bowed her head. “Yes, I suppose that probably had something to do with it. Never the less, our people endured great suffering, and learned that war was a horrible business, not one to be entered into lightly.”

“And yet you were here. On a world torn by war. Claiming to have been sent here by a goddess,” Seiya said with a snort. He bent and whispered something to Ristarte, who frowned, but whispered back. “I see. And what is this Goddess Aqua like?”

“She has blue hair, and is, well, not very smart,” Sasaki wracked her brain a bit, and managed, “She is worshiped by the Axis Cult, and is the goddess of Belzerg, but her religion doesn’t have a very good reputation.”

“That’s completely accurate, I told you! And Komekko DOES look like a Crimson Demon. Did she introduce herself like a chuunibyou?” Ristarte demanded of Seiya.

“Yes, but you saw her levels and skills. She’s a demon summoner and even demon blooded. She’s evil,” Seiya argued.

Ristarte rolled her eyes. “Aqua’s pet maniacs are a bunch of edge lords that make even YOU look normal. She’s probably harmless. And besides, she’s a child! Even you aren’t cruel enough to kill a normal girl, are you?”

“Just because someone looks harmless doesn’t mean they are. Don’t forget Kilkapul,” Seiya said, frowning still at Sasaki.

“Ah. Well…you said the same thing about Kiriko, but she’s a good girl, don’t you think?” Ristarte asked, sounding wistful.

Rage and bile bubbled up in Sasaki’s throat, but she swallowed her words. She managed to croak, “Who…who is Kiriko?”

“No one,” Seiya snapped at the same time as Ristarte’s expression fell.

“The murder bots…they have souls of people put into them,” Ristarte said quietly. “One was a little girl named Kiriko. We’re trying to find a way to save her.”

“Don’t bother, it’s pointless,” Seiya snapped, and turned away. “I’ll let these girls live for now, Rista. But if they threaten you or this kingdom…I will end them. We can have no flaws in our plan. A single misstep can lead to disaster. I must be perfectly prepared.”

“Oh, fine, be that way! I’ll prove it to you!” Ristarte snapped. She turned to smile at Sasaki. “Sorry, you’ll have to stay down here for a while…it’s just a precaution! Besides, it’s safe, I promise. Now, Seiya, you can’t be such a jerk! Would it kill you to be-”

The two of them walked away, still arguing, shutting the door and leaving Sasaki alone. The room she was in was clearly underground, made of roughly shaped stone. There was a bucket in the corner for a toilet, a bed of straw, and a jug of water with a basket that held a few loaves of crusty bread. To either side, there were low metal grates, and light was generated by a dimly glowing lamp that seemed to have some sort of magical spell powering it.

Sighing, Sasaki got up and went over to the jug, splashing some water on her face before taking a drink. She was just wondering where the others were when she heard a voice through the grates.

“Hello? Is someone there? Miss Rista?”

“No, I…” Sasaki licked her lips, and went over to the grate. She knelt down, and saw a glowing red eye peering back at her in a metal face. She shivered, feeling as though someone had just walked over her grave.

“Oh! Hello. I’m Kiriko. I know I look scary, but…I promise I’m nice! Who are you?”

Sasaki forced a smile on her face, even as tears trickled down her cheeks. “I’m Sasaki…I…I’m glad to meet you, Kiriko.”

Inside, she was weeping and screaming. How could this be herself? How could she change the past? And more importantly…create a more peaceful world. For herself, for her parents…and for the oppressed people of this world.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Watching people was a challenge for Yuki. Originally, it was part of her data collection routine: Observe humans, and emulate how they behaved. This was frustrating, as people behaved in all manner of ways for any number of reasons. So instead, Yuki had read a great many books. After all, books were logical, orderly, and described how people behaved. But without all the extra confusing sensory data that was difficult to process.

It was, therefore, something of a shock to Yuki to discover that there had been one human she liked to watch: Kyon. This had started when he’d joined the Literature Club. Originally, she simply wished to collect data on an individual that her prime target, Haruhi Suzumiya, had deemed important. But then, Kyon had gotten Yuki a library card. He had listened to her, looked at her, and treated her, as well, a person. Most people had treated Yuki as more of a piece of furniture. A silent and rarely moving part of the room, more decoration than individual.

But Kyon had looked at Yuki, and seen a person. Not just an alien, but a friend.

So Yuki watched as Kyon interacted with the people of the Crimson Demon Clan. Yuki was generally a poor judge of character or motivations, and had a hard time telling what was normal and what wasn’t. By the remarks that Kazuma and Kyon had made, she gathered that the Crimson Demons were abnormal, though as far as Yuki could tell their behaviors were well within bounds for normal human parameters, if rather on the loud side of them.

Still, Kyon seemed to be enjoying himself. This was sometimes hard to tell as Kyon, when Kyon most enjoyed himself, was prone to making remarks and faces that most people would have associated with annoyance or disgust. But Yuki had found that Kyon made them more frequently when he was highly engaged in a task. He did not often make them at her, which was puzzling, but then again if Kyon were simple to understand, he would not have been so profoundly interesting.

“Hmm, do I detect the presence of the divine? What sort of being has appeared before me?”

Yuki blinked, then looked up to find a woman with dark hair and red eyes smiling at her. Her appearance was similar to the other Crimson Demons, and though Yuki had carefully cataloged them all, they did seem to all share a phenotype. This one’s name was not on record, and her distinguishing features were that she had on a pair of bat wings as a hair ornament, and was possessed of a bust size that surpassed that of even Mikuru Asahina.

“I am Yuki Nagato.” Yuki was uncertain if this woman was speaking to her, but introducing yourself was only polite.

“BEHOLD! I AM ARUE! FOREMOST AUTHOR OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN, AND SHE WHO HAS PUBLISHED THE FAMOUS NOVEL, HEARTS OF CRIMSON!!”

The woman made several odd gestures and put on an eye patch. This was odd. Yuki had read that sailors of old ships would put on eyepatches to preserve night vision belowdecks, but there were no ships nearby.  Neither did the woman  appear to have any malady afflicting her vision. But she was not the only member of this village who wore an eye patch. Perhaps their red eyes were extremely sensitive to sunlight.

The woman had mentioned, however, that she was an author, a proposition that intrigued Yuki. “I enjoy reading novels. Do you have a library?”

“Oh ho!” Arue beamed, grinning widely and producing a feather quill, which she spun through her fingers, splattering herself slightly with black ink. “A fan of my literary works! I can provide you with a signed copy of Hearts of Crimson, or one of my many other works!”

“Yes,” Yuki agreed, and stood up. If books were around, she was very interested. She had not gotten to read anything since coming to Belzerg, and was very curious about their literary traditions.

Arue led Yuki away from the knot of villagers still surrounding Kyon, and past where Yunyun was speaking with Haruhi Suzumiya. Yunyun was the chief of this village, though Yuki was not certain what form of government they used here. The kingdom itself appeared to be a monarchy, but the Crimson Demons seemed to enjoy some sort of special status. Yuki would have to collect further data to ensure she fully understood the situation.

The house that she led Yuki towas a simple looking cottage with a few rooms, a large garden, and an attached building with a sign that read “DEN OF LITERARY GENIUS” on it. It was to this building that Yuki was brought, and inside, she found exactly what she had hoped for.

There were simply mounds of books everywhere. Tables were stacked with pieces of paper covered in writing and more books, while shelves that went floor to ceiling lined every wall. There were several overstuffed chairs that looked very comfortable, as well as a stove with a kettle and several cups for tea. The room was already occupied, by a heavyset balding man with dark hair, but brown eyes and a thick beard. He had on a pair of reading glasses, and was muttering to himself as he read a sheaf of papers, occasionally scratching on them.

Knowing what to do, Yuki stepped up to the man, and patiently waited for him to notice her. He looked up from his papers after a moment, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes before smiling at her and Arue. “Oh, hello dear. And who’s this? I don’t recognize her. An adventurer?

“This is the new goddess, Yuki Nagato. I have brought her here, that I might learn her story and spread it to the world!” Arue declared.

Yuki waited for them to finish, then held her hand out to the man. “I would like a library card, please.”

“A what?” the man blinked a few times, then gaffawed. “Oh no, this isn’t a library, Miss Nagato. Er, Lady Nagato? Er, sorry, I’m used to reading about goddesses, not meeting them.” He hastily stood and bowed, revealing a tunic that had several ink stains on it, and a few food stains as well.

“But there are books here,” Yuki said, looking around. “Is this not a library?”

“This is my private collection, home to the many tomes I have authored, as well as my personal collection of interesting novels and research materials,” Arue said, gesturing to the various books.

The man frowned. “Well, and it’s got my own collection as well. There’s a bit of everything, really. Theology, genealogies, historical accounts, and of course the latest novels from my old employer.”

Yuki nodded. “I would like to borrow some books. Do I require a library card?”

“I was going to give her a copy of Hearts of Crimson, as it is my magnum opus!” Arue declared, and pulled a book from a stack of identical volumes. It featured a buxom mage with glowing red eyes on the cover, a blazing heart within her chest. A noble looking blonde knight with a large sword was on her right, while a nefarious looking rogue with a bow and a silver mask stood on her left.

“Er, she’s a bit young for that, isn’t she?” the man asked, wincing. He smiled at  Yuki. “How old are you, miss?”

“I am 598 years old,” Yuki stated. “Though I am physically seventeen.”

“Oh, er, right. Goddess. Um, well, my wife, you see-”

“He is my editor, Augustin. When he initially refused to move to the village to edit my works exclusively, as is befitting of one so prolific and genius as I am, I…persuaded him to move here,” Arue said, looking rather smug.

Yuki glanced at Arue, then at her spouse. While she was typically uncertain of how to rate the physical appearance of humans in regards to attractiveness, even she could tell that Arue would have been considered conventionally attractive, while her husband very much wouldn’t have.

She wondered how she compared to Kyon. She considered Kyon to be the epitome of good looks, with a well formed face, kind eyes, and tall with nice shoulders and gentle hands. She herself was short, flat chested, and her hair was not a natural color. Did Kyon like it? She worried about that. She could, of course, alter her appearance, but found that proposition unsettling for reasons she could not fully process.

“Er, yes, quite,” Augustin said, coughing into his fist. “Well, er…while it is your best work, it’s a bit, ah…risque. Should we really be giving it to a goddess? What is she even the goddess of?”

“She is clearly a dark goddess of magic and mystery, here to ponder the forbidden texts of my realm,” Arue declared, and shoved the book into Yuki’s hands. “A gift. I insist that you-”

But Yuki was no longer listening. She was quite tired. Not physically, she did not require rest, nor did her physical body need nutriment or even oxygen to function. However, he mental facilities had been rather taxed by the constant presence of many other people, and the need to process a great deal of new data. So, she took the book she had been given, walked over to one the chairs, and sat down by the stove.

She ran her hands over the embossed leather cover of the book, appreciating the art. She liked books that provided a visual reference for events. Not too many: Yuki enjoyed simulating what the events in the book would be from a variety of sensory standpoints, but a starting point enhanced the experience. She held the book up to her nose, smelling the fresh leather and paper, and smiled.

Then she opened the book, and began to read.

Though Yuki was, on some level, aware of her surroundings as she read, she completely lost herself in the book. It was in a literary style quite unlike many of the books she had read, though it seemed to best fit into the category of books called “Harlequin Romances.”

The prose was flowery and descriptive, providing a plethora of data for Yuki to vividly simulate the world she found herself exploring. The main character was a Witch of a reclusive tribe of mages, which Yuki surmised were an analogue of the Crimson Demon Clan. The witch, named Urae, was terribly beautiful and powerful, but had left her village to seek adventure. She had met two men on her travels: the noble Knight Sir Kevin Macintosh, and the cunning and rather perverted rogue Zuma Cato

The crux of the novel was the three characters forming a party and fighting various villains, but what really interested Yuki was the internal conflict of Urae in choosing which of her party members to love. There were many very interesting romantic encounters between them, with long kisses and caresses, and even Urae sharing her bed with both men. The description of her first time making love to the roguish Zuma was especially intriguing, and Yuki wondered if her own body would bleed and experience pain and pleasure in the same way.

She would have to ask Kyon. Or better yet, get him to bed her. It sounded very exciting.

In the end, Sir Kevin nobly sacrificed himself to save Urae and Zuma, who named their first child after Sir Kevin, and settled down, where Urae supposedly composed the autobiographical book and published it.

When Yuki looked up, closing the novel and setting it in her lap, it was past dark to her surprise. She checked her internal chronometer, and found she had been reading for nearly eight hours. Arue was sitting at an ornate desk in a corner of the room, her quill furiously scribbling.

“Ah, finished, are you? Well, what did you think?” Augustin came over, smiling at Yuki, and clearing away her tea cup and empty plate. She had eaten several snacks that had been placed on the table by her chair and drank several cups of tea, careful not to get crumbs on the pages, but she’d been unwilling to stop reading even to eat.

“It was quite enjoyable,” Yuki stated, running her fingers over the book again. “I wonder. Why did Urae choose Zuma over Kevin? Kevin seemed the more suitable as a romantic partner, due to his ability to provide for offspring from his wealth, familial connections, and more respectful treatment of Urae.”

“Hmm, good question. Especially since I’m more of a Kevin than a Zuma,” Augustin chuckled.

“Pah! Because it is more dramatic to end with the flamboyant and roguish thief than the noble knight!” Arue said, looking up from her writing. She made a face. “Besides, the real Sir Kevin is utterly insufferable. Though I do confess, sometimes I wonder what Megumin saw in that man she endlessly pined over.”

That didn’t make any sense to Yuki, but she nodded. “Do you have more books like that one?”

Arue’s eyes gleamed in the candlelight, and she threw back her head and cackled. “BWAH-HA-HA! Do  you hear that, Augustin!? I can claim a goddess as a fan of my works! You must put this on the front page of our next advertising campaign!”

“Yes, dear. But it’s time for dinner. Your writing will be there in the morning. You too, young lady. Er, well, I suppose you’re older than me, but, well…um…would you like dinner?”

Yuki considered this. “Only if Kyon may join us.”

As it turned out, Kyon was rather ready for dinner as well, having spent the day gathering supplies. He was actually walking through the village with Yunyun looking for her and looking rather frantic.

“-can take care of herself I know, but I’m worried about her. I mean, she’s kind of naive and vulnerable. What if one of your wackos tries to bamboozle her somehow?” Kyon was saying as he frantically hurried along the dirt path.

“Well, people here are actually really nice, if, um…a little eccentric. Someone probably just grabbed her to show off their special skill, or wanted her to bless what they were doing since she’s supposed to be some sort of goddess,” Yunyun said.

“Yeah!? And what if one of them tries to turn her into a nightlight, like that crazy smith did with that poor dragon?!” Kyon demanded.

“Is that your young man?” Augustin asked Yuki, pointing to Kyon.

Arue, however, shot a bolt of lighting over Kyon’s head, making him cry out and hit the dirt, while Yunyun just turned around.

“Ha! Behold, I, Arue, am the one who took this goddess captive!” Arue declared, putting a hand on Yuki’s shoulder. “Not with spells nor stone, but with the power of the pen! For you see, she was bewitched by my intrepid tales, and has become a devoted fanatic of my works!”

“Arue! Don’t go corrupting villagers with that trash you write! Please tell me you didn’t let her read that story about me and Megumin…or worse, the one about Kazuma and you…”

“I did not read a story about you or Kazuma,” Yuki stated matter of factly as she went over to help Kyon back to his feet. “The main characters of Hearts of Crimson were Urae the Witch, Sir Kevin the Knight, and Zuma the Thief.”

“I guess I should have known to ask if they had a library,” Kyon sighed, dusting himself off and smiling wryly at Yuki. Then he rounded on Arue, who was looking rather sheepish as an irate Yunyun stalked towards her. “Hey, you! Yeah, you! Maniac! THERE ARE BETTER WAYS TO GET PEOPLE’S ATTENTION THAN LIGHTNING BOLTS!”

“Now, Chief, she really liked the book, and it is Arue’s best work,” Augustin said, putting himself between the two women.

“Arue, I’ve told you! Those books are NOT fit to be read by young people! And you HAVE to stop showing them those trashy novels that are just your weird ideas of who your friends should sleep with!” Yunyun said, pushing Augustin aside and sticking a finer in Arue’s face.

“Well, but you want to sleep with Megumin,” Arue said sulkily. “I was just trying to help you two along.”

Yunyun went beet red, then held up a fist, which caught fire. “ARUE!”

“Er, let’s go,” Kyon said, steering Yuki away, as the snap of flame and crash of thunder sounded while the two women had it out in a battle that shattered surrounding trees and set fire to several nearby structures. “You hungry? Because I’m starving.”

“Should we not intervene in the conflict?” Yuki asked, turning around. She was surprised to see Augustin jogging up to them, puffing and looking rather put out.

“Oh, that? Don’t worry about it. They’re just having a minor disagreement,” the man said.

“And that’s why you're running away? A minor disagreement?” Kyon deadpanned.

Augustin shrugged. “If they were really serious, they’d actually be trying to kill one another, or at least curse each other. Really, it’s a standard argument for them. I was just going to go to the bar and get some take out. I love my wife, but…she’s going to lose. There’s a reason Yunyun’s the chief, and Arue spends most of her time inside writing instead of fighting.”

The earth shook, and Yuki watched as Arue summoned a pillar of lava, which she directed at Yunyun. The molten rock was turned aside by a gesture from the chief, who summoned a raging tornado that threatened to pick both women up and send them flying.

“This place is crazy,” Kyon said, shaking his head.

Augustin laughed. “Yes, well, it has its perks! Never boring, you know. You two know where the bar is?”

“Let me guess: the Succubus Maid Cafe?”

“That’s the one! Though, ah-”

“There’s no succubi, or maids. Kazuma told me,” Kyon said with a sigh.

Augustin bid them both farewell when they arrived at the bar, going to sit with two other men, who waved and greeted him. Yuki and Kyon ordered dinner, then went to a booth in the corner to enjoy their food. It was roasted meat of some sort on a bun, the bartender had said it was a Lizard Burger, with fried vegetables that looked like sweet potatoes or yams, and mugs of ale.

“So, you read some sort of trashy romance novel, I take it?” Kyon asked, eyeing his lizard burger skeptically.

Yuki took a big bite, analyzing the food. She found she enjoyed it, and that it was reminiscent of a hamburger, though the meat had a different flavor than beef, pork, chicken, or any other kind Yuki had previously sampled. Despite not requiring nourishment, she found she did enjoy eating. Especially with Kyon.

“It is safe to eat,” she informed Kyon.

He took a bite, brightening and nodding. “Yeah, not bad.”

“The novel was not trashy,” Yuki stated, sipping the ale. She did not drink in Japan, as she was supposedly not of legal age, but no one here seemed to mind. Besides, this was only about 1% alcohol by her analysis, and unlikely to induce intoxication.

“Oh? So you liked it then? Yunyun seemed to think it was pretty scandalous,” Kyon observed.

Yuki considered that. “Perhaps there is a cultural reference that escapes me.”

“Well, it sounds like it was about that lady you were with and Kazuma,” Kyon said with a chuckle. “That’s kinda weird.”

“Negative. There was no character named Kazuma in the story, or Arue,” Yuki said, taking a bite of the fried vegetables. They were fried sweet potatoes as it turned out, with pepper and salt. Very tasty.

“Hmm. Well, as long as you liked it. Maybe I’ll have to get a copy if it’s really spicy,” Kyon laughed.

“I do not recall any spices in the novel,” Yuki said, and the two of them focused on eating for a moment.

“Kyon, do you typically bleed the first time you have sexual intercourse?” Yuki asked after swallowing another bite of lizard burger.

Kyon, who had been drinking his ale, snorted so hard that frothy liquid came out his nose. He began to wretch and cough, and Yuki hastily stood and pounded his back. She was prepared to give the Heimlich maneuver, but he did not appear to be choking.

“Why…why do you ask that?” Kyon rasped once he’d cleaned himself up with a napkin.

“It was described in Hearts of Crimson,” Yuki said matter of factly. “It was very interesting.”

“That’s uh…Er, well…I don’t…I’m not really an expert, you know?” Kyon managed, dabbing at his forehead with his sodden napkin.

“I see.” Yuki sat back down, and took another bite of her meal. It was fascinating that despite differing ingredients and cultural norms, this meal was not unlike something she might have found at a restaurant in Japan.

Kyon awkwardly nibbled at his food for a while, shooting glances at Yuki and blushing.

“I will acquire further novels that describe differing forms of intimacy, so that we may be prepared when we engage in those acts,” Yuki stated. This time, she waited until Kyon was not drinking. She suspected he found her remarks shocking. She was uncertain as to why. Cultural taboos were always so hard to understand. Wasn't Kyon interested in engaging in those acts with her? She was with him. That was the entire point of “dating,” wasn’t it?

“That’s, um…er…” Kyon stammered and flushed, looking excited and confused.

“I will share these books with you. We can discuss them. I would enjoy sharing a hobby with you,” Yuki said, and did her best to smile at Kyon.

“I…I’d like that,” Kyon managed, and smiled back at her. He was much better at smiling than she was. She liked that.

That night, Yuki got to attempt several activities that Urae had engaged in with her male companions with Kyon. She kept to the ones that did not have the potential for physical injury, as she strongly desired not to harm Kyon. While she sincerely doubted that anything he did could ever actually inflict physical harm on her, the reverse was almost certainly not true.

It was rather nice to kiss, cuddle, and caress one another, though Kyon insisted they not sleep in the same bed, citing that he was “not ready for that step yet.”

Yuki was slightly disappointed, but went to the room appointed for her. To her surprise, Aqua was already there, sitting on the bed and looking somewhat morose.

“Greetings,” Yuki said, and began to disrobe. Aqua was already dressed in sleepwear, and Yuki had a pair of pajamas Kyon had given her as a part of the supplies he’d acquired. They were not quite her size, but she silently adjusted them with a little data manipulation.

“Huh? Oh, hey, Yuki,” Aqua said, and hugged her legs to herself. “I thought you’d be staying with Kyon.”

“No. He does not wish to share a bed at this time,” Yuki said matter of factly.

“Yeah…Kazuma said the same thing. It’s dumb. We’ve slept together before. Though, uh… not…together together,” Aqua said, blushing for some reason.

“I see. I have not shared a bed with Kyon, though he once slept in my bedroom for three years,” Yuki stated. She wondered if she should explain that that was relative, as to Kyon only moments had passed.

“Huh. You two are pretty close, huh. Have you always known that, you know…you liked him?” Aqua asked.

Yuki put on her pajamas, then sat on the bed next to Aqua. “No. I did not understand the concept of ‘best buddies’ when I first met Kyon. It was not until the time loop where I experienced several centuries, which introduced errors to my runtime, that I began to develop what could be considered an emotional attachment to Kyon.”

“Yeah…I had to spend a lot of time with Kazuma before I realized…I care about him. More than anything,” Aqua agreed.

Nodding, Yuki considered that. “Is your affection for Kazuma considered an error?”

“Uh…maybe? If you mean like a computer error, goddesses aren’t supposed to fall in love with mortals. I didn’t even understand what that meant. To me, sex was just kinda gross. I was happy it made my followers and other humans happy, but I didn’t get why you’d want to do that,” Aqua said, blushing. “But, um…I think I understand it now. Bathing with Kazuma was pretty interesting.”

“Yes.” A shared bath was one activity described in Hearts of Crimson. She had not engaged in it with Kyon this time, but Yuki resolved to gather data on it later. She felt certain Kyon would also find the prospect interesting.

“I guess it’s kinda the same for you. You’re an alien that fell in love with a human. You weren’t supposed to do that because the Data-Whatever is a big meany, right?” Aqua asked.

“Yes. Is the Chief Goddess you have mentioned also a ‘big meany’ for forbidden such relations as well?” Yuki asked.

“She’s a jerk alright. I don’t know what she was thinking, or how Haruhi became the Chief Goddess,” Aqua sighed. “It hasn’t happened yet, I don’t think. But Haruhi’s a lot nicer than the chief ever was. She wants to have fun! The chief was always going on about honor and duty and was no fun at all.”

“I see.” Yuki considered that. Performing your designated function was important, especially since goddesses seemed to have some sort of key role in the function of data management for entire worlds. But ‘fun’ was also important. Yuki considered what she would do if she were forbidden to read, or worse, not see Kyon again.

She would do what she had: rebel against her creator.

Thinking back to some of the inquiries she had regarding her current situation, Yuki decided to ask Aqua. The other woman had a great deal of experience in many things, and seemed to intuit concepts Yuki often found puzzling.

“Aqua: do you know how to engage in intercourse, and if the possibility of injury exists for those who engage in it?”

Aqua blinked, then gasped. “What?! That can happen?! I-I know that sometimes Axis followers got hurt when they were with their lovers! Especially if one was much larger or stronger than the other! And I’m way stronger than Kazuma!”

As Yuki was unaware of just what the Axis followers got up to, or just how dumb Aqua really was, she did not realize that Axis Followers were known to attempt to have relations with monsters, giants, statues, wild animals, and just about everything a person should, under no circumstances, attempt to get busy with. Especially since Axis Followers tended to think ‘consent’ was something you tricked the other party into.

Troubled, Yuki frowned. “I do not wish to injure Kyon.”

“I don’t want to hurt Kazuma!” Aqua wailed. “I could heal him, b-but what if I do hurt him if we…you know…h-have…have…”

Before the situation could get any more ridiculous, there was a thumping on the wall. “Will you two quiet down!?”

“Kazuma, Kazuma! I promise not to do a death by snu-snu on you!” Aqua blubbered, pressing herself up against the wall.

“Oh for crying- LOOK! That’s not how it works! Kyon was just talking to me about it! Sheesh! Yuki just read some weird fetish fic that Arue wrote. It was probably the hymen or something. Look, the point is, you’re not going to hurt me, you useless-OW! Kyon, if you hit me one more time, I swear I-”

“Don’t try to corrupt Yuki!” Kyon’s muffled voice raged.

“It wasn’t me, it was that wacko Arue! She’s always writing weird stuff. I mean, it’s good, like, top tier doujinshi stuff.”

There was silence for a moment. “Wait, really?” Kyon asked.

“Yeah, no pictures though. Shame that.”

“Negative,” Yuki stated. “There were illustrations.” She was thinking of the cover art, and another picture at the end of the book, which showed Arue and described her other works, several of which had sounded very interesting.

“I, uh, I think we should visit this library…” Kyon said.

“Kazuma! Are you and Kyon being perverts again!?” Aqua demanded, slamming her fist on the wall.

“HEY!” the door banged open, and an irate Haruhi stood there, dressed in her own nightgown and glaring menacingly. “I don’t care WHAT you bunch of perverted weirdos do! But if you’re going to swap rooms and get busy, do it QUIETLY! Some of us are trying to sleep!”

“S-sorry!” Aqua gasped, but Haruhi suddenly turned and slammed her face into the door frame.

“Argh! I just told my parents to do it! Must…purge…thoughts!”

“I am not opposed to sleeping with Kyon,” Yuki stated, walking over to Haruhi. “Please do not injure yourself. We are to set out on our journey, and you must be combat capable.”

Haruhi paused. “Oh yeah. Right! No room swapping! Ugh, do it where I can’t see or hear it! Just, uh…make sure I’m born, OK?”

Then she turned around and left.

Yuki walked back to the wall, and rapped on it.

“Um, yes?” Kyon called, sounding slightly cowed.

“Good night, Kyon. I am glad I will not injure you,” Yuki stated. Then she lay down. To her surprise, she rather enjoyed falling asleep. And the dreams she had were certainly interesting.

Legend of Galactic Zeroes, Chapter 14

After the horrified servants kicked them out of the dining room to clean up the mess, the group meandered down to the command center. Much to Kazuma’s disgust, Mitsurugi was already there, and in a freshly laundered uniform to boot.

“Ah, Lady Lalatina, we were just discussing plans for the upcoming battle. Please, join us,” Mitsurugi said, bowing deeply.

“You don’t need an ice pack or something?” Kazuma demanded, glaring at the man. Seriously, offering to “let” Darkness join them in her own palace? What an asshole. “Come on Darkness, let’s just figure out how to beat these guys. Can’t be that hard after Megumin blew most of them up.”

Duke Ignis was at the table as well, and he looked up at Darkness, beaming happily. “Ah, how are you this morning, Tina? Did you rest well? I heard you shared your chambers with Master Sato and your two other companions! Can I expect grandchildren soon? We have very good doctors here at the palace, you know.”

“L-Lady Lalatina!?” Mitsurugi gasped, going slightly pale and gaping at her.

“Father, as I have said, this is not the time to discuss such matters,” Darkness sighed. “We must focus on the issue at hand.”

“I see, I see,” Duke Ignis agreed, stroking his beard. He smiled broadly. “Well then, we’ll just have to liberate the city so we can have a wedding!”

“Hrrrk!” Kazuma felt something catch in his heart, and he staggered slightly, supporting himself on the table. To his horror, Mitsurugi was doing the same thing. His nostrils flared and he glared at Kazuma, but the knight stood up straight. “Yes. I will gladly lead the charge against the foe in this battle.”

“Why, you volunteering for a Uriah Gambit?” Kazuma asked, folding his arms over his chest.

“I…am uncertain of your words and tone, sir,” Mitsurugi said, his voice frosty and expression flat.

“The enemy has been pushed back, but we need to break them. Our forces are largely exhausted and most units are operating at less than half effective strength,” General Harrington said, nodding to the map. “The Crimson Demon Clan are holding strong, so the orbitals are clear.”

“Then we need a solid push on the ground,” Darkness said, pointing to the map and grimacing. “I can lead the charge, with Chris and Megumin to back me up, we should be able to clear the way with most of the light forces. That does leave the question of…”

“Who does Kazuma gattai with?” Aqua mused. She made a face. “Not me, that dance was fun and all but I don’t like fighting.”

“H-he has…he has done this thing with you as well, Lady Aqua?!” a horrified Mitsurugi gasped.

“Eh, only the one time. Besides, she’s not a part of Darkness’ harem,” Chris said, sensing an opportunity to needle the knight.

“Wait, hold on. This is MY- OW!” Kazuma hopped up on one foot, from where Darkness had stomped on him.

“Kazuma, as much as I would prefer you abuse me, now is NOT the time,” Darkness growled. “You can discipline me AFTER  the city is liberated and Wolbach defeated. That said, I think you should fuse with me for this battle.”

“No, he should walk the path of the Wave Motion Explosion Cannon!” Megumin protested.

“The nerve! How dare you bring up such a forbidden weapon here in these hallowed grounds, considering the horrors it has wrought upon our city?!” Mitsurugi demanded , whirling to glare at Megumin accusingly.

“Because it’s better to do unto others then let others do unto you,” Megumin said smugly. “Besides, I got a pardon, so there.”

Chris rubbed her scar, frowning at the map. “Hmm, it’s a hard choice. Darkness is certainly the right choice for a head on battle, but I would be a better option if we’re going for more of a sneaky kill. Sorry Megumin, but I don’t think you’re the right pick here. We’re going to need more than one shot, they’re too spread out.”

“Hmm, we could try a multi-fusion,” Kazuma suggested. “Combining the strength of multiple mecha instead of just one.”

“I don’t know, Kazuma. You fused with Chris and Darkness on the plane, but that was different. I don’t know that you can handle both of them at once again,” Aqua cautioned.

“B-both at once?! What a knave!” Mitsurugi gasped, putting a hand to his heart.

Ignis sighed. “Ah, two sets of grandchildren! Even better!”

“Well, I was with Kazuma last night, he has grown since then,” Chris chuckled, making Darkness and Megumin both blush, with Megumin muttering dark imprecations under her breath. “I’m up for it if you are, Darkness.”

“I am not certain how much of a gamble we should take,” Darkness said, sounding hesitant. “I do know it is somewhat selfish of me to nominate myself…b-but I did enjoy the fusion with both of you…”

“Unlike some people, I’m enough man for the both of you,” Kazuma declared, pointing his thumb at his chest and leaning over the board. “Hell yeah, let’s do this! We’ll all fuse together and blow them out of the water!”

“Are you seriously going to do this without me?!” Megumin demanded, slamming her fists on the table and rattling the little figures of mecha. “I am the one in possession of the most firepower! Kazuma should fuse with ME first!”

“Listen Megs, we get that you’re possessive and all, but we do have to share Kazuma.” Chris said with a shake of her head. “Maybe at some point he can lend us the lagaan or something and we can fuse separately but-”

“Oh, I didn’t build that feature into your mecha,” Aqua interrupted. “I mean, I could. If I can remember how I did it. I just sort of made it, you know? Building mecha is like making art! Each should be a wonderful and unique work! But if you and Darkness want to fuse on your own maybe I can make something work.”

“Lady Lalatina is not like that!” Mitsurugi interrupted. “She is a noble lady, who seeks a strong man to continue her line! It is my duty as a knight to prove myself worthy of her, and to offer her my every service so that she can-”

“That would greatly increase our tactical options,” Darkness agreed, talking right over Mitsurugi’s rant. “B-but I do not mind that Kazuma is the one I primarily fuse with. Um, even if fusing with Chris or Megumin would, ah…well, it is just, w-when you slap me, o-or pinch me, it greatly increased my um…I mean, that is to say, it helps me focus on the battlefield!”

“You’re just horny on main,” Chris said, shaking her head. “But that’s OK.”

Megumin nodded, pointing not looking at Mitsurugi as he sputtered. “Yeah, unlike SOME people, we accept you for who you are. Even if I am surrounded by randy perverts and must strive to be the voice of reason.”

“You the voice of reason!? You’re the one whose life goal is to blow up a planet!” Kazuma protested.

“Kazuma, Megumin,” Darkness said, her tone exhausted. “Please. Kazuma, we need a decision. How will you fuse for this battle?”

“Hmmm.” Kazuma examined the board, and the dispensation of the enemy forces. And also what he’d done in the shower with Chris. Mostly what had happened in the shower.

“I think for this one, I should fuse with,” Kazuma looked at Chris, who blushed, then pointed at Darkness, shaking her head and blushing ever so slightly. “-with Darkness.”

“I cannot allow such a flagrant violation of my lady’s virtue!” Mitsurugi protested.

All four of Kazuma’s companions glared at Mitsurugi.

“Seriously, why is he here?” Aqua asked Darkness.

“He really is a good pilot and war hero,” Darkness sighed.

“You do realize that she’s got a horrible reputation, right?” Kazuma asked.

Megumin nodded. “Anyone could see she’s a pervert.”

“I will not stand for this!” Mitsurugi ranted, hand going to his sword. “I shall-”

“Enough. You have heard the battleplan. Sir Kyouya, you will deploy with us, along with your elite squad,” Darkness ordered. “We strike as soon as possible. The siege must be broken.”

“As you command,” Mitsurugi growled, then glared at Kazuma. “We have not finished this.”

“Me!? Megumin’s the one who was shooting her mouth off!” Kazuma protested.

“Oh sure, throw me to the wolves. You are the one who cannot keep his mouth shut, Kazutrash! See if I want to fuse with you after this!” Megumin snapped.

“He’ll make your booms bigger. You know you want to,” Chris teased as they headed for the mecha bay.

Megumin blushed. “T-that is not all that is important to me…”

“Please. If I could make your boobs and your booms bigger you’d be putty in my hands,” Kazuma snorted.

“T-that is not true! There are other things to my Crimson Demon pride!” Megumin huffed. Then she paused. “How much bigger?”

“Sister, it’s ok if you're an A Cup. Kazuma doesn’t mind, and neither do we!” Chris said, draping her arm around Megumin.

“N-not that! I mean…I remember how much bigger my Wave Motion Explosion Cannon was when we were fused…it was glorious…I think I really could blow up a whole planet,” Megumin said wistfully.

“Great. Darkness is a pervert who only ever has sex on her mind, and you’re a terrorist who only has blowing stuff on her mind. Aqua’s a drunk loon, I’m a NEET in over his head, and Chris is-”

“Practically perfect in every way,” Chris said, interrupting Kazuma. “Now hold on, I’m going to start the stream.” Out of her pockets, Chris somehow pulled an entire livestream rig, which she hastily assembled as they walked. A moment later, she turned it on. “What up my Silver Masked Nation! It’s the Chief, here back at you with another stream! I’m just getting ready to load into my mecha with my crew! Right here is Megumin! Say ‘hi’ to everyone, Megumin!”

Instantly, Megumin was all smiles, posing for the camera with Chris and making a V sign by her eye as Chris put an arm around her. “Behold! I am Megumin! Foremost Genius of the Crimson Pirate Clan, and she who’s mastery of weaponry has already defeated Wolbach once, and will drive her from the field!”

“Aw, chat thinks you’re really cute, Megumin. Ohh, look at that, a 500 credit super chat from Dragon_Lancer, it says ‘Girlfriend reveal?! Kiss please!’ Hmm, what do you think Megumin?”

Blushing, Megumin glared at the chat, though she didn’t try to pull away from Chris. “W-what?! Who is this lecherous fool, who thinks-”

Chris then planted her lips on Megumin’s, making the other girl's eyes go wide. Kazuma let out a wolf whistle, while Darkness blushed.

“H-How lewd, to put on such a public display for your audience! N-Now is not the time for such things, you too! W-we cannot alert the enemy of our plans!”

“Eh it’s fine, I blocked them on Twitch,” Chris said, pulling away from a flustered Megumin. “Nice, Megs! We got a ton of donations for that! Now come on, chat wants to see you blow up some fools!”

“I-I am not a puppet, to be pulled at the strings of-”

“And I’ll split the donations with you, so you can upgrade your guns,” Chris promised.

“Ha-ha! Yes, I am clearly the darling of this Twitch chat! Now, let me explain to you all why the Wave Motion-”

“Megumin, don’t get me banned on Twitch!” Chris hissed. Then she smiled at the camera again. “This time I promise an extra epic battle between good and evil, starring yours truly! Remember, this month we’re running a special where subs get access to the PA system on my mech to send a short message to the enemy!”

“You know, I was worried there for a minute,” Kazuma commented to Darkness as Chris continued to narrate for her stream.

“Oh, about what?” Darkness asked, eyeing the show herself.

“That Chris was normal or something. She’d never fit in here if she was. At least she didn’t want to livestream our first kiss.”

“I-I would not be opposed to live streaming m-my romantic life! N-not the most intimate of acts, but, um, perhaps…l-like in the-”

“You can star in a porno later, Darkness, let’s just get loaded up,” Kazuma said as they arrived at the mecha bay.

The mecha had indeed all been repaired, and with spiffy new coats of paint to boot. They gleamed in the bright lights of the hangar bay, with Darkness’ bright gold and white mecha towering over the others, the crest of House Dustiness proudly emblazoned on its chest. Megumin’s main and only gun seemed to be even bigger than before, the mecha comically lopsided thanks to the enormous cannon which drew attention to the fact that Megumin was DEFINITELY compensating for something with the way it enlarged the mecha’s chest, it’s crimson and black color scheme drawing the eye to the mecha.

Compared to the others, Chris’ mecha seemed to blend into the background with its more sensible green and silver scheme, the shorter mecha standing next to Darkness’. The green camo cloak rustled in the slight breeze, and seemed to fade in and out of visibility, taking parts of the mecha with it as it did. Kazuma’s Lagaan sat at the feet, looking slightly smug with it’s metal face, as if it were saying, “Yes, these ladies are all mine.”

Aqua’s mMecha was totally out of place, looking like a giant toy more than anything else, the mecha leaning against the wall and looking like it were sleeping more than anything else, the eyes closed and the chest even rising and falling slowly.

“Wait, does your mecha breathe?” Kazuma asked Aqua.

“Nah, that’s just the engine exhaust, it’s on idle right now but I’ll be ready to go in a moment! I just need to put on some supplies!” Aqua dug not one, not two, but three bottles of bubbly out of her bodice, licking her lips and grinning widely.

“We’re not getting tanked during the battle! You need to focus on keeping us repaired and charged!” Kazuma snapped, snatching away one of the bottles.

“Hey, those are mine! Give them to me! And they’re, um, for later! You know, to celebrate!” Aqua protested, trying vainly to get the bottle back from Kazuma.

“Well then you won’t mind leaving them here!” Kazuma said, snatching away the other bottles.

“WAAAA! DARKNESS KAZUMA IS BEING MEAN TO ME AGAIN!”

“Aqua, I have to agree, now is not the time to be drinking. Get loaded up, we sally forth immediately!” Darkness declared, pointing towards the mecha.

“Yeah, sure,” Kazuma agreed, and ambled over to the Lagaan as the others got into their mechas. He put his hands on the Lagaan, and took a deep breath. “Thank you, little buddy. You weren’t there to see it, but last night, your master became a man, and made it with a hot girl. Chris is really something. I think I might be in love. But, if we stand true, and push through together, we can unlock the Golden Ending. Will you stand with me?”

“Ugh, how vulgar, Fio.”

“You said it, Clemea. We should take care of this ruffian for Lord Mitsurugi.”

Sighing, Kazuma turned around to behold two women in pilot uniforms of the Axel Military. One had pink hair, the other green, but he really didn’t care. Kazuma just could not be assed to remember their names. “Let me guess: You’re Kyle's two little minions that he sent to bully me or something for ‘sullying Lalatina’s honor’ or some other equally asinine reason. What is this, high school? You two look young enough for that.”

“How dare youvulgar!” Bubblegum said, gasping in horror. “Lord Mitsurugi did no such thing! We are here to warn you, and your posse of women! Stay away from Lord Mitsurugi!”

Mint nodded her head. “That’s right! His reputation is already questionable for the fervent devotion he shows to that woman. Everyone knows she’s a promiscuous and wanton disgrace who brings shame to her house!”

Kazuma’s expression went cold. “Are you here to talk smack about Darkness? Because you sure as hell don’t have permission to talk about one of my girls that way in front of me.”

“Hmph. You are nothing but a peasant lout, elevated by sheer coincidence. Lady Sena informed us you are in possession of some piece of lost technology and used that to swindle your way into Lalatina’s graces,” Mint sniffed.

“Hmph. She’s a pervert, she’d willingly allow herself to be devoured by this man’s rapacious appetites!” Bubblegum huffed.

Kazuma reached into the Lagaan and activated the mecha, which stood up and assumed a fighting stance, rocking back and forth and raising stubby little fists towards the women. “Now see, I do have some pretty amazing technology. And you know, I see two fresh victims in front of me. How would Lord Mitsubishi react to me fusing with his two side chicks, I wonder?”

“Ahh! You wouldn’t dare!”

“Fiend! Lord Mitsurugi, save us!”

The two girls ran off, causing Kazuma to roll his eyes. The Lagaan tapped him on the shoulder, then jerked a thumb at the retreating women.

“Nah, that was just a threat. I know how it goes if you cheat on your harem: Bad endings, all the way. No way in hell am I going on a Nice Boat for those two bozos.”

The Lagaan nodded, then knelt down and waited for Kazuma to climb in.

“You’re a lot more animated now. Did Aqua do something weird to you?” Kazuma asked.

The Lagaan shrugged, then pointed to the three mecha of the girls and grinned broadly.

“Oh yeah, we’ll fuse with them bud. Today it’s Darkness’ turn though. That’s a lot of woman for me, and a lot of mecha to you.”

The Lagaan gave Kazuma two thumbs up, then started stretching, as if for a big workout. Which it probably was, Kazuma figured.

Just as the hangar doors opened and the task force prepared to sally forth, a comm channel opened, and Mitsurugi’s scowling face appeared on the screen.

“Sir Kazuma! How dare you threaten Lieutenant Fio and Lieutenant Clemea! They are my subordinates, and I will not stand for anyone interfering with my command!”

“That’s nice, Katsurugi,” Kazuma said, picking his nose and then examining the booger. I flicked it out of the canopy before closing it. “The thing is, they besmirched your precious ‘Lalatina.’ I was just defending her honor.”

“Ha! You simply seek to put off the blame with your lies, Sato! I can see right through you! Fio and Clemea are both loyal citizens of Axel! They would never insult their liege in such a way.”

“Uh huh. Whatever.” Kazuma closed the channel when Mitsurugi opened his mouth to reply, and called Darkness. “Yo. So when are we doing this?”

“Your fusions seem to have variable but limited time, so we should wait until we close with the enemy,” Darkness said. She flushed and looked at Kazuma. “I, um, I would not mind if you were in control…your aim is better than mine, and ah, I would like to be dominated by you…D-did you and Chris, um…did you force her down, and claim her as-”

“No! We just, um, we got to Third Base, that’s all!” Kazuma protested. He hesitated a moment, then added, “she uh, she said I should try the same thing with you…and Megumin…”

“I, ah…well, um, I did not think I would share the man I desired, but, um, to think of you with another woman, cuckolding me, and shaming me so greatly…it excites me! I shall protest, but you will say ‘a man has needs’ and then wantonly disregard my feelings!”

“I mean…that’s not really what this is supposed to be…I’m building a harem, you see, and you’re invited,” Kazuma explained.

“Uh, for legal reasons…it will probably have to be mine,” Darkness said, squirming in her seat. “B-but if that means you do not mind, if, um, Megumin were to abuse me…to scorn me, and slap me, punishing me with her ire-”

“You know it’s weird you let a girl who’s like half your size and probably couldn’t bench press the pole push you around like that? I mean, you could probably crush her with one arm,” Kazuma pointed out.

“Ngg! I, ah…we must focus! You drive me mad, you wicked man! L-later, you may use me to satisfy your wild lusts, but for now…The enemy is arrayed on a hillside. We should speak of our plans…”

Kazuma sort of tuned things out while Darkness laid out the battleplan. They were joined by Mitsurugi and his gum flavored minions, along with a dozen other knights of Axel in their mecha. Kazuma figured they were just mooks, and would more than likely die. It was kind of a waste, but then again he couldn’t exactly say he minded having some NPC meat shields along.

“Eh, Aqua will bring them back or something if they die, it’s fine,” Kazuma decided.

At last everything was decided, and the force left the walls of the city, racing to where Wolbach’s forces were regrouping. Based on what he’d seen at the table, she still had nearly a hundred mecha long with thousands of troops, some fighters, and even a few tanks. Though what good that would do against mecha Kazuma didn’t have a clue. Who brought a tank to a mecha fight?

“Sir Sato, I must insist that we have it out before the battle begins,” Mitusurugi’s voice said. His mecha had pulled up next to Kazuma’s, which was running along frantically on its stubby little legs as the much taller mecha strode along confidently.

“Dude will you just screw off? No one here likes you, least of all me and Darkness,” Kazuma snapped.

“You are an uncouth fool! Do you not realize that it is I who has championed Lady Lalatina and her character, though others would mock her?” Mitusrugi demanded.

“So you’re a white knighting jerk. Didn’t ask, don’t care.”

“I am a knight of House Dustiness! Unlike you, I am of gentle birth, and understand these matters. In the coming battle, it is I who should fuse with Lady Lalatina, and uphold her honor!”

“Ok, sure. You do that. Go fuse with her right now. You’re so special and awesome. I’ll just fuse with your side chicks.”

“Do not lay a hand on Fio and Clemea! They are young and innocent, and should not be corrupted by the likes of you!”

“Uh huh. And you invite them to your quarters for a special debriefing how often?”

“I would never! Such fraternization is forbidden for those within your chain of command!”

“And yet you simp so hard for Darkness. Hoping she’ll debrief you?”

“That is different. She is a lady, and I am her knight. One day, I shall wed her, and be her champion on the field, as she rules with wisdom and grace!”

“Well, then it will be extra spicy for you when I fuse with her right in front of you,” Kazuma sneered.

Just then, Darkness signaled him. “Kazuma, we near the foe! Let us fuse, that I might be the shield of my people, and you, our sword!”

“I do have a very nice sword now,” Kazuma replied, and lept up into the air. “Later, Loserugi! ONE FUSION, COMING UP!”

Raising one hand of his Mecha, Mitusrugi tried to bar Kazuma’s path. “NO! I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO-”

Kazuma slammed the Button of Wacky Hijinks, and ignored Mitsurugi as he raced towards Darkness’ mecha. He felt himself wrapped in light, and a moment later, his vision cleared. Below him was a shapely ass in a black body sleeve, and he grinned.

“Yes, this time, Kazuma is on top!” he slapped the rear end, making a deep throaty voice cry out. “Ha ha, I’ll ride you to victory than-”

“What are you doing! Who has bound me!? Let me go this instant!”

Kazuma paused. That was not a woman’s voice. That was-

“NO! OH, HELL NO! SENA WAS BAD BUT I AM NOT DOING THIS!” Kazuma raged, jerking about in the harness.

In front of him, Miturugi’s head lifted up, then his neck turned to see Kazmua. “You! What have you done to me! Why am I restrained in my harness here? And what is that poking my rear end!”

“Nothing, because I sure as hell lost my hard on!” Kazuma snapped. He slammed the call button. “Darkness, we have to cancel the mission! I somehow fused with-”

“Kazuma,” Darkness snarled, her face flushed in a new way: pure rage. “What. Are. You. DOING!?”

“Uh, look, this was an accident! I didn’t mean to fuse with Katsumotto! He just, got in the way or something!”

“I could not allow you to fuse with Lady Lalatina! You would sully her reputation! As her knight, it is my duty to safeguard her!” Mitsurugi shouted.

The rage drained from Darkness rapidly, though she still looked irritated. “Damnation. The enemy has detected us, and is attacking. We have to fight back! I can hold them off, but you are still our best fighters! I was counting on Mitsurugi to lead the right flank, and you and I to talk the center. Chris! Back me up! Kazuma has fused with Mitsurugi!”

“Kazuma you jerk, why’d you pick HIM!? I am not going to give you another handjob if you’re going to cheat on me with an asshole like that!” Chris ranted.

“I didn’t mean to! He cock blocked me!” Kazuma protested.

“LEAVE SIR MITSURUGI ALONE!” the gum flavors screeched.

“There is no time for this!” Darkness bellowed. “Kazuma: Can you still fight? Otherwise, we must retreat, and will surely take casualties as they assault the city.”

“I mean…I’m really not into yaoi,” Kazuma protested, eyeing the joystick on Mitsurugi’s asscheeks reluctantly.

“And I am not into women, and yet I allow myself to be enticed by you and this mad scheme,” Megumin’s voice pointed out. “Do it, Kazuma. Or will you allow glory to slip through your fingers?”

“I know it’s degrading to put up with him, Kazuma,” Darkness said. Then she gave him a blush and a small grin. “But, if you do this, save my city and people, even with…him…I shall give you my maidenhead…and the harem you want…”

“Lady Lalatina! I cannot allow you to ooooooo~!”

Kazuma gripped the controller in both hands. “For a reward like that, I’ll walk through hell itself. Let’s do this.”

Bonus Chapter Runnoff Poll, One Day Only

Since we had a tie, we'll have a runnoff poll today. I'll cast a vote in case of a tie.