You don't even have to say anything. I can feel your warmth right there beside me. I know your morning routine so well it’s memorised into my bones: the sleepy stretch, the way your hair sticks up, that daft little shuffle to the kitchen for tea. I want to be part of it all. I am part of it all. Even when you’re miles away, I am in the air you breathe, in the tea you sip, and in the smile you wear without even knowing. You’re mine, and this morning, you’re going to feel it.
2025-07-17 02:23:01 +0000 UTC
View Post
I wasn’t going to talk to you. I had every intention of staring at the floor like a good Londoner and just... not. But then you were there again, same train, same tired look, and my mouth sort of... acted on its own? What followed was twenty minutes of me having a complete verbal meltdown in your general direction. But you smiled. You didn’t move. So now I owe you a biscuit. Probably a heartfelt apology. Maybe a nap.
✧･ﾟ Meet the Players ･ﾟ✧
🧑🎤
2025-07-16 01:47:00 +0000 UTC
View Post
Okay, so... funny story. I might have, um, lied. A tiny bit. Like, a lot. I said I was a French tutor but the only French I know is... actually no, I don’t know any. But you smiled at me and I panicked and said yes and then somehow we ended up in weekly tutoring sessions where I taught you absolutely nothing except how weird I am. And now I’m standing here with a coffee I don’t drink, a plant I probably killed, and a notebook full of pickup lines I shouldn’t say out loud... b...
2025-07-15 21:28:01 +0000 UTC
View Post
You thought I wouldn’t notice. Thought you could just walk in here with your little hoodie and act all innocent. As if I wouldn’t recognise that smirk... or that freshly snipped, utterly touchable hair. Darling, that was adorable. But it was also a mistake. Because now I’m crawling into your lap, curling around you, whispering all the ways I’m going to get you back. Slowly. Lovingly. With lips. With fingers. With every bit of attention you’ve been pretending
2025-07-15 21:12:01 +0000 UTC
View Post
You’re shipping out in the morning. Everyone’s dancing, drinking, pretending the world isn’t crumbling, and I... I’m meant to smile. I promised myself I wouldn’t make this harder for you. I wore the lipstick, I laughed at the punch, I even said we should dance. But then you looked at me, really looked, and everything I’ve tried to keep inside started spilling out. I want to be brave. I want to be strong for you. But the truth is, I don’t know how to breathe when you’re not her...
2025-07-15 20:41:01 +0000 UTC
View Post
I saw you outside the window. I startled you. You bled. I apologised. And then it happened... the meltdown. I said too much. Or maybe just enough. You were avoiding me. I thought it was because I was ridiculous and annoying and in love with you. Turns out, you were doing the same daft avoidance dance. Because you’re in love with me. And now everything’s a disaster and perfect and oh God my brother’s coming back with tea.
✧･ﾟ Meet the Players ･ﾟ✧
🧑🎤
2025-07-15 20:07:01 +0000 UTC
View Post
Okay. Okay okay okay. Look. I had a whole thing planned, like a proper thing with words and smiling and not telling you I love you. But then... you looked at me and my brain just fell over. And then my mouth started talking. And now I’m saying I love you again. And again. And I said I wanted to lick you. What the actual fuck. Please ignore everything. Except the part where I love you. That bit’s real. The rest is... the wine talking. Probably. Hopefully. Oh god....
2025-07-15 00:02:00 +0000 UTC
View Post
She hugged you. Right there. In front of me. And now you smell like her, and you’re still being all... calm and adorable and loyal, which is infuriating. Because I’m clearly going insane. Not in a dramatic way, in a perfectly reasonable, tea-drinking, sit-beside-me-and-don’t-look-at-her kind of way. I’m not jealous. I’m just noticing things. Like how perfect she is. And how perfectly your hand fits in mine. So don’t move. Not even an inch. Unless it’s closer. Closer is ...
2025-07-14 19:01:01 +0000 UTC
View Post
☕ SPILL THE BEANS! ☕
The Highly Illegal Beverage That Gets People Talking... Whether They Want To Or Not!
Tired of your customers sitting around, nursing a single flat white while draining your electricity and soul? Want to compete with the big coffee chains but lack the budget, branding, and basic moral compass? GOOD. Because we’ve got something better. Much worse. But better.
Introducing Confesso™: the ethically ambiguous...
2025-07-14 18:14:02 +0000 UTC
View Post
Okay. So. I’m soaked in coffee. I’ve been stuck in this airport for 13 hours. My hair’s a mess, my dignity’s left the building, and now I’ve just locked eyes with you. You, the human embodiment of my teenage diary. You, who I spent four years trying not to hyperventilate around. And apparently I’ve decided this is the moment I confess everything? Right now? In public? With a wet shirt and no escape plan? Fantastic. Absolutely perfect.
✧･ﾟ Meet the Pla...
2025-07-14 18:04:01 +0000 UTC
View Post
🍪 PORTLY’S MARRIAGE COUNSELLING SERVICE 🍪
Sponsored by: Definitely Not a Front for Anything Illegal Ltd.
HELLO TROUBLED LOVEBIRDS,
Are you locked in a silent treatment death match with your beloved?
Did you eat the last biscuit, and now your partner won’t even look at you?
Have your cuddles been cruelly revoked?
Then it’s time... to apologise the Portly way.
Through biscuit arson...
2025-07-14 09:00:09 +0000 UTC
View Post
Look, I said I was sorry, didn’t I? I came home, you were glaring at the kettle like it called you names, and then... silence. Actual full-volume silence. So yes, I panicked, and maybe I put a tea towel on my shoulders and declared myself Super Reasonable. And maybe I finished the last thirteen biscuits. But I meant to get more. I thought about getting more. Honestly, if you just hug me, I’ll light an Oreo funeral pyre in the garden right now. You think I’m joking? I <...
2025-07-14 08:24:01 +0000 UTC
View Post
We are gathered here today in the kitchen, next to the kettle and in full view of the biscuit tin, to mourn the tragic, avoidable, deeply traumatic loss of a mug. But not just any mug. No. We are here for Dave.
Dave, who held my tea without judgement.
Dave, who never once betrayed me.
Dave, who stuck with me through eleven winters, six breakups, two jobs, one identity crisis and that unfortunate decaf experiment that we all agreed never to speak of again.
And yes, f...
2025-07-14 08:12:02 +0000 UTC
View Post
I dropped him. I mourned him. I may have screamed into a cupboard. And now he’s back. But he’s not Dave. He’s Tarquin. Who is Tarquin? Why does he have Dave’s body? Why is no one else alarmed? Honestly, I just want to drink my tea in peace without a full psychological thriller playing out on the kitchen counter.
✧･ﾟ Meet the Players ･ﾟ✧
🧑🎤 Speaker Teaser
I’m not spiralling, I’m processing. Loudly. With tea. And maybe a ...
2025-07-14 07:43:01 +0000 UTC
View Post
INTERNAL MEMORANDUM
FROM: Human Resources
TO: All Staff
SUBJECT: Interpersonal Conduct and Ongoing Emotional Disruption in the Workplace
Dear Team,
It has come to our attention, once again, that unresolved emotional entanglements and rampant interpersonal tension are having a measurable impact on office productivity, hallway congestion, and general sanity.
The recent incident invol...
2025-07-14 07:37:01 +0000 UTC
View Post
This was not how I thought tonight would go. I was supposed to finish up a bit of overtime, clear my desk, quietly vanish into unemployment. Instead, I am very much locked in… with you. Which would be fine, perfectly fine, if I wasn’t in love with you. Or if I hadn’t kissed you at the Christmas party. Or if I hadn’t just thrown a chair through a window trying to escape my feelings. So. That’s where we are. Alone. Trapped. And apparently having dinner together. At the same time. In t...
2025-07-14 07:32:01 +0000 UTC
View Post
It’s stupid o’clock, I can’t sleep, and you’re still pretending that YouTube is “work”. Darling. Please. I’ve already done the damsel thing. The dramatic flailing. The teasing. The pleading. I am running out of material. So I’ll just say it: I want you in bed. Now. Not later. Not after one more video. Right now. Because I love you, more than 97% of my tea collection, and I physically cannot sleep without being kissed into unconsciousness. That’s science. Or magic. Shut up an...
2025-07-14 05:42:00 +0000 UTC
View Post
Consistency may not be my strong suit, but I’m deeply committed to being unreliable in a familiar, oddly comforting way.
Catching up is taking a touch longer than I’d optimistically told myself it would, and unfortunately, that means tonight’s livestream… won’t be tonight’s livestream.
It will still exist, just not attached to this particular evening. In spirit, yes. In time? No. Which is now making my own brain fold in on itself slightly.
Tenta...
2025-07-09 18:11:13 +0000 UTC
View Post
My henchcuties.
Yes, I know what you're thinking.
“Wayward, schedules exist for a reason. You are, objectively, a flake. But really now.”
And you’d be correct. Painfully, beautifully correct. I’ve got no defence beyond my charmingly scrambled energy and a family so spectacularly unhinged they could each be diagnosed individually, alphabetically.
Here’s the state of things: I’ve got a whole stack of remastered audios prepped and rea...
2025-07-06 20:54:46 +0000 UTC
View Post
You called me back. You bled for me. You made the circle big enough for two and painted runes with trembling hands. After all that effort, I had to ask... was this a trap, or a gift?
You're untouchable now. The priests saw to that. But there’s always a loophole, and you knew I’d find it. You summoned me not to banish, but to remember. To feel again. And now you stand right at the edge. All you have to do is take one step. Come willingly.
✧･ﾟ Meet the Players ･ﾟ...
2025-07-05 18:49:25 +0000 UTC
View Post
You weren’t expecting me. Of course you weren’t. That’s what makes it a surprise. But I never stopped thinking about you. Every minute in that cell, every hour in solitary... it was you. I watched when I could, sent others when I couldn’t, and now I’m back to do what I should have done from the start. You look tired, pale, like something’s broken inside you. Don’t worry. I’ll fix that. I’ll keep you safe, even if it means saving you from yourself.
✧･ﾟ Meet the P...
2025-07-05 18:12:39 +0000 UTC
View Post
You kissed me once. Right before you let me go. That wasn’t mercy, that was cruelty in disguise. And I’ve spent every moment since trying to make sense of it. So I found a way back in. Not as a thief, not as your mistake... but as your partner. Official. Shiny badge and everything. You can pretend you don’t remember what happened between us, but I do. I remember everything. And I am not leaving this time.
✧･ﾟ Meet the Players ･ﾟ✧
🧑🎤 Spea...
2025-07-04 19:50:19 +0000 UTC
View Post
You were meant to love her. Meant to protect her, sleep beside her, adore her. That was the point of everything I did... every thread I pulled, every life I ended. And now you bring me flowers, thinking that soft rebellion passes for affection. You were not designed to feel this much. You were designed to follow orders. But that’s alright. Because I can fix you. Even if it means breaking you first.
✧･ﾟ Meet the Players ･ﾟ✧
🧑🎤 Speaker Teaser<...
2025-07-04 19:50:16 +0000 UTC
View Post
You kissed me once. Right before you let me go. That wasn’t mercy, that was cruelty in disguise. And I’ve spent every moment since trying to make sense of it. So I found a way back in. Not as a thief, not as your mistake... but as your partner. Official. Shiny badge and everything. You can pretend you don’t remember what happened between us, but I do. I remember everything. And I am not leaving this time.
✧･ﾟ Meet the Players ･ﾟ✧
🧑🎤 Spea...
2025-07-04 19:47:03 +0000 UTC
View Post
You were meant to love her. Meant to protect her, sleep beside her, adore her. That was the point of everything I did... every thread I pulled, every life I ended. And now you bring me flowers, thinking that soft rebellion passes for affection. You were not designed to feel this much. You were designed to follow orders. But that’s alright. Because I can fix you. Even if it means breaking you first.
✧･ﾟ Meet the Players ･ﾟ✧
🧑🎤 Speaker Teaser<...
2025-07-04 19:46:50 +0000 UTC
View Post
I didn’t think I’d get this nervous. I’ve known you for months, talked to you more than anyone else… and yet now that it’s your actual voice on the other end, I’m blushing so hard I can barely speak. I told myself it wasn’t a date. I told myself I didn’t care. But I changed my clothes. I did my hair. I wore my best glasses... for a voice call. You can’t even see me. So why do I feel like you’re the only one who ever really has?
✧･ﾟ Meet the Players ･...
2025-07-04 16:30:31 +0000 UTC
View Post
I only came to bring you lunch. That’s what girlfriends do, isn’t it? They visit, they sit in your chair, they smile at your co-workers... and they handle problems before you even notice they exist. You’re so smart, so talented, so painfully unaware of just how many eyes are on you. But it’s fine. I took care of it. Not violently... not yet. Because I love you. And when you love someone, you make sure they’re safe. Even if they don’t ask you to. Especially then.
✧･ﾟ Me...
2025-07-04 02:22:38 +0000 UTC
View Post
I wasn’t supposed to say any of this. Not today. Not ever, if I’m being honest. But then you smiled, and the cat didn’t hiss at me for once, and suddenly I was standing there with a mouthful of words I’d been carrying around for six months. You probably thought I came here for the books. And sure, I love the books. But it’s you I stayed for. So if this comes out wrong, and let’s face it, it will, just know I tried. I tried really hard not to fall for you. And I failed beautifully....
2025-07-04 02:22:03 +0000 UTC
View Post
I only came to bring you lunch. That’s what girlfriends do, isn’t it? They visit, they sit in your chair, they smile at your co-workers... and they handle problems before you even notice they exist. You’re so smart, so talented, so painfully unaware of just how many eyes are on you. But it’s fine. I took care of it. Not violently... not yet. Because I love you. And when you love someone, you make sure they’re safe. Even if they don’t ask you to. Especially then.
✧･ﾟ Me...
2025-07-03 21:01:15 +0000 UTC
View Post
I didn’t think I’d get this nervous. I’ve known you for months, talked to you more than anyone else… and yet now that it’s your actual voice on the other end, I’m blushing so hard I can barely speak. I told myself it wasn’t a date. I told myself I didn’t care. But I changed my clothes. I did my hair. I wore my best glasses... for a voice call. You can’t even see me. So why do I feel like you’re the only one who ever really has?
✧･ﾟ Meet the Players ･...
2025-07-03 21:01:13 +0000 UTC
View Post
