Ancilla L

The Many Layers of "I Own Your Body".

SeI bought my first black dress for the occasion. It was one of those dresses that wraps around you and you tie into a bow at the back. It was shorter than most clothes I wore at the time and cut low enough that my mother wasn't sure whether she should let me wear it. I was convinced that no store would ever make clothes that fit me well enough because whenever my mother took me to one she never asked for the clothes she thought I would like, she always asked for the biggest clothes in the st...

All I Said Was No.

My ex had a serious issue with the word no. I was fifteen when we started dating and the first thing he told me was that I could never, not ever, say no to him. I can't say I was an innocent, naive teenager, because the truth is that I wasn't, I was sexually-active before him, and when I went out of my way to sleep with men much, much older than myself it was a deliberate act, I went looking for them, they did not come looking for me; when I asked them to hit me or berate me, I knew what I wa...

On Pushing The Boundaries Of Your Partner.

Recently I read a post that got me thinking about boundaries and pushing them. The writer, quite rightly, pointed out that we make challenging limits and pushing boundaries seem like a wondrous state that we should all aspire towards especially in d/s relationships. We also do make it seem like the right partner will just know the perfect moment to push a limit (side note: I'm lifting a few sentences from her writing for reference here) and then suddenly something magic will happen...

Podcast E8: Writing for Pay and Online Bullying

Hello mes amis!

In my least digressive episode yet, I take the fun out of good news and use a sombre tone to talk about something great happening to me. 

I know. 

But online harassment is a weird beast, and I wanted to talk about that. And art. And selling art. And for a second, Henry Miller and my husband's weird colleague. 

Enjoy! 

The Real Allure Of BDSM.

My least favourite thing about conventional sex, especially conventional heterosexual sex, is how little time it takes. Even if it's the kind of sex that doesn't just involve penetration and seven minutes of customary foreplay, it still doesn't ever feel like enough. Mutual pleasure between equals has always seemed a bit boring to me as a concept. This is not to diss "vanilla" sex especially since, I admit, even though I am not entirely sure what good vanilla sex entails, I do believe it exis...

The Shoe-Shine Girl.

"Sir," someone said to me while I sat on the bench reading my newspaper, "Would you like your shoes shined?"

I looked up to see a young woman. She was short but her face was beginning to show the lines of having been around long enough to know that life is a sick joke and it isn't getting any better. I looked down at my shoes. They were dusty and rather dirty. I looked at my watch. There were still twenty minutes until the car arrived to pick me up.

"Alright," I said to her, "Shin...

13 Men Who Bought Me: C2: The One Who Wanted To Buy Innocence.

Note: This is a series. The prologue can be found here and the catalogue of all the posts is here. These pieces can be read as standalone pieces but you will get the best out of them if you read them as a series. In the end, the series will be compiled into a book and all Patron...

Where Is The Line With Erotica?

I have a very dramatic friend who likes to invoke the stories of Sadat Manto and then loudly proclaim that discourse is dead. Actually, I have sixteen of that friend but they're all journalists so, forgive me, my sample is skewed (since we're pretty dramatic people who always write #nodrama on our Bumble bios), but they have a valid point. We cannot talk anymore. We live in a time when our politics are so partisan (and often for good reason) that we cannot listen at all, but that's not the wo...

I Want To Show You My Pussy.

"Please look at me," I beg him as the chains around my wrists rattle against the headboard, "I beg you, please look at how wet my pussy is, master."

It doesn't make as much sense as it should, I can't even really see him look but I can feel his gaze and it feels like he is touching me. I feel like his fingers are lightly and gently dipping inside the wetness and grazing the swollen bits between my legs. I want him to watch for hours, I want him to open the doors to world and let every...

For Me, The Term "Daddy" Had Everything To Do With My Father.

(this is not about incest). 

I could use many adjectives to describe my father but I have a story that does it better. Five years ago, it was his sixtieth birthday and on occasion of his sixtieth birthday he was working in Germany. It could be worse, he could have been in the middle of the ocean, at least this way there's a steakhouse around. So since we couldn't throw him a party and I can't show up at home with a bottle of scotch, I sent him some flowers (which...

Playing Dress-Up.

She brought me to a clothing store. Well, it looked like a clothing store but there was no big sign outside and we went in through a door in the back. On the inside it looked a lot more like a store. There were no shelves but there were racks with clothes hanging on them. There was a display in the middle with t-shirts stacked on it, but they weren't the same t-shirts in different sizes, they were all different. There was a counter for a cashier but instead of a computer it had a notepad on i...

And Then I Was His Slut.

"How do I...." I was trying to phrase the question in a way that was least embarrassing to me, "What do I...say to him?"

I was playing coy. A little bit because I couldn't really believe what he was telling me to do and a little bit because I didn't want him to see that I really did want to do it. Of course it had come up before but only in whispers, and in breathy dirty nothings exchanged in scented letters and over secret midnight phone calls. It had come up like fantasies ...

Podcast E7: Efficiency and Getting Turned On By The Inappropriate

Welcome! 

I know that I am a little bit late on this one but I address that at unnecessary length in the podcast. This week I talk about getting turned on by efficiency and also the morally-ambiguous, and of course I constantly digress to a point that would make Lawrence Sterne proud. 

Enjoy!

Thank you for listening. 

The Pussy Slave.

She was sitting very still on the sofa.

Just sitting. Why can't we ever just be sitting? Why must we always have our legs sensually draped over the arm of the couch?

She was just sitting there. Still. Contemplative. Nervous.

And so horny.

Just horny, you know. Not electrified in all her joints. Not breathless. Not undulating. Just good old fashioned horny. The kind that makes you want to squeeze your own breasts but not touch your cunt because you're just so fu...

I Tried To Be A Good Girl, Mommy.

I scrubbed the floors and fluffed the pillows, mommy. 

I know you don't like the mess. 

Or the dirt. 

Inside our little house. 

And so I swept the floor. 

And then I scrubbed it with the little brush you used earlier to clean my cunt. 

I got the dirt out of every corner and the webs out of the hidden spaces. 

And I sprayed the air with lemon...

Every Collar Can Be Discarded.

In the morning he seems like a different person. The wind blows in through the open windows and even underneath the blanket, I shiver. He pulls me closer and tucks me in before placing my head back on his shoulder. I am barely awake but I feel his lips on my forehead and I feel his fingers stroking my head. His lips rest on the side of my lip for a moment before he kisses the swollen spot. 

"Go back to sleep, my love," he whispers as he pats my head as if I am...

Podcast: E6: Gender and A Geography Lesson

Welcome! 

On this week's podcast I talk about an insane professor, sexism (I know!), y inability to do two things at once with my mouth and then deliver an impromptu lecture on the geography (and polity) of my country centred on where I have lived in it and where I am moving next (spoiler: it's not a nice place). 

Enjoy! 

And let me know what you think. 

Relationships Are Only As Dangerous As The People In Them.

My ex and I did not have a well established dynamic of any kind however we did have a choice few rules that were indicative of our dynamic. One of those rules was that I don't say no to anything he tells me to do or endure. Basically, I don't say no. No matter what. 

One time we were having penetrative sex after some fairly intense genital flogging and it so happened that he entered me at an angle that was extremely uncomfortable. As it is my vagina actively resists pene...

Marked By Pain.

As yet unscarred. Mostly. Unbroken. Mostly. His fingers in my heart and his breath on my soul. Me living, six feet under the ground and me dying, six feet above it. 

I'm going to hurt you so much, he said. 

Yes, please. 

The afternoon sinking into darkness. Maybe the night is real. More likely imagined. His fingers around my throat. A lifetime, gone, without noticing how naked I felt there, until he draped me. 

<...

Podcast E5: Technical Challenges, Patience and Condoms.

Welcome! 

Today's episode brings you a whole lot of nonsense, a realisation that I say the phrase 'I feel' way too much and a discussion on talking to kids about sex and condoms! 

Enjoy. 

13 Men Who Bought Me: C1: The One Who Tried To Own Red.

Note: This is a series. The prologue can be found here. The second chapter will be posted next week. These pieces can be read as standalone pieces but you will get the best out of them if you read them as a series. In the end, the series will be compiled into a book and all Patrons can have a kindle-copy of it for free. 

....

Chapter 1: The One Who Tried To Own Red.  2021-06-29 06:23:59 +0000 UTC View Post