In today's episode I talk about an idiotic digital age faux-pas, my mother and codependency in relationships, and how that's not always a bad thing. Longer than the last one!
Let me know what you think!
Thank you for listening.
(PS: At some point in the podcast you will heart a notification coming into my phone, and I am sorry, I am still learning how to do this).
White
I can't keep it clean but I like to wear white. Actually, I can't keep it clean and that's why I like to wear white. White shirts look better with mud on them and white panties look better with blood on them.
But I am sure I like unspoiled white when I look at my reflection in the mirror. I don't expect this white lace will remain pristine once it spends some time draped over my shoulders. It's beautiful in all its clean perfection but that's not wh...
2021-06-13 06:23:28 +0000 UTC View PostI can count on one hand the number of dates I have been nervous about in my life. The one in eleventh grade when an age-appropriate boy I really liked took me to a movie. The one in Tokyo when I was 18 and a 17-year old boy made me his bitch. Still can't believe that happened. And my first actual date with a woman, two months after I started college. I remember waiting for her at a corner table in a coffee shop and wondering if I shouldn't just get up and leave. Make some excuse and never con...
2021-06-12 08:02:41 +0000 UTC View Post
Hi Everyone!
Welcome to "But, That's Not My Point," a podcast about love, sex and nonsense.
I decided I wanted to start doing a podcast and this is my first attempt at that. It's a podcast about weird sex, earth-shattering love and complete nonsense. The first one is set to public, but most subsequent episodes will be for Patrons only. Let me know what you think!
2021-06-11 17:06:40 +0000 UTC View PostI was always a little envious of her. It wasn't because she was prettier than me, even though she was; she had curly black hair that draped her delicate shoulders all the way down to her hips and her smile could light up even the darkest of rooms. Her appearance was enviable but that wasn't why I envied her. It was the way she moved that stabbed my heart and made me wish I could be as comfortable in my skin. When she dropped a pencil on the floor and put on foot in front of the other before s...
2021-06-11 13:52:20 +0000 UTC View PostI used to wonder, so often—
Am I no good?
Trouble seems to follow me around.
I disguise myself in respectability and all shades of green, but it finds me.
Pries me out of the parched crusted Earth with a rainstorm.
Exposing the dirt and filth; washing it all away, until nothing remains.
Just a trace of me.
Unowned.
...
2021-06-11 05:24:25 +0000 UTC View Post"What's that on your wrist?" He asked getting into the driver's seat and pointing at my hand, "Is that..garter?"
I laughed before I explained.
"No, not garter. It's the ripped out end of an old stocking," I said pulling it off my wrist and showing him, "Hmm.. I guess it does look like garter, doesn't it?"
It does. It's a scrap of red lace and it was too loose around my wrist so I slipped it off and put it around my ankle instead. I'd only ever put it around my wrist becau...
I can hear them talking but I can't respond. I would have but the toe of his boot is stuck inside my mouth and I'd much rather use my tongue to lick it clean than make chit chat. It fascinates me that while the thought of someone else's washed toothbrush in my mouth horrifies me, the reality of a filthy boot against my tongue delights me.
It delights me even more as the stranger holds my hair in his grip and thrusts me harder onto my partner's boot.
"I won't dislocate her jaw ...
I was still lying naked in bed, recovering from his last teasing touche before he left for the day, when the bell rang. Hoping it was just the garbage man and he'd pick up the trash that was already outside, I put my head back under the covers. Immediately I was overcome with the scent of me. It's so surprising sometimes, just how dirty he can get me to be between my legs. The doorbell rang again and I resigned to the fact that I would have to go check. I got out of bed and slipped the nightd...
2021-06-10 09:17:01 +0000 UTC View PostMy favorite parts of books are all worn out because I revisit those pages so often. I'm the same way with memories. The best of mine are like worn pages from my favorite books, and being with her is one of those memories. You fuck a lot of people in life, but some of you bury deep in the recesses of your memory and hope never to revisit again, while others are unforgettable. She is unforgettable.
I don't know about everyone else but for us, it's always very hard to play with a third, ...
...the short answer is, you don't.
One of the most important things I learnt from my last relationship was that you can give away your right to say no but you can't always keep yourself from feeling like saying no. I never said no, and when and if I did he had the right to ignore it completely because that was what we agreed on. However even as the word no out of my mouth was one of those things that was completely meaningless, it came from somewhe...
2021-06-10 08:50:59 +0000 UTC View Post"What are you thinking?" He asked.
It's a question we avoid in our house these days. It's just one of those phases in life, there is so much going on and nobody knows how to handle something we have no control over so we're just waiting for it to come to pass. Sometimes that is the best you can do in life, you can accept there is a limit to your control over it and just wait in quiet dread. In quiet dread, these days, we don't ask that question because we can see the answer in each ot...
I crawled towards the bowl. I couldn't get up off the floor because my leg was chained to the metal screen. It looked a little like my yoga bars, or a very sturdy ladder. There wasn't enough slack or length or strength in me for me to stand up and walk to the bowl but I could crawl within it's reach.
The *water* looked disgusting. It seemed only like it was two parts water at that point. It smelled earthy and there were specks of dust floating on top of it. The yellowish tinge was app...
"Come here."
Immediately my fingers hooked themselves into the straps of my bra and I began to take it off.
"I said come here, not undress," he said gritting his teeth, "What are you, stupid?"
I hate it when he does that; when he just changes the rules anytime he likes and forgets to inform me. Come here has meant *come here naked* for ages now. And then it didn't.
And so I walked over to him as I quietly explained to myself that my agitation was meaningless and...
His fingers linger,
Over the purple imprints on my arm.
He doesn't say anything,
And I continue to gaze out of the window,
as if I don't notice that he's stroking the thumb prints with a compulsion that betrays him.
He shifts his grip an inch lower before he pulls me over his lap.
My shoulders lie against his knees,
and my head falls back over the edge.
The world is upside down.
And underneath the desk across the room, I can see a lifetime of di...
A quiet evening after a quiet day. It may not have been quiet on the outside but some days I feel so quiet on the inside. It's as if the people inside me have all left; like a dormitory during summer break. Or a school music-room in the middle of the night. The kind of room you can just walk into and you automatically know that it is used to noise. And so the quiet, is sometimes, unsettling.
Maybe because when all the voices have left, I have little knowledge about who I really am. I f...
Every time I look at the watch, I tell myself he'll come the next time the big arrow points to twelve. I know it's stupid. We all make schedules with round figures in them but things rarely happen exactly as the clock chimes.
And so the clock takes several rounds while I toss and turn, telling myself that I am not waiting, I am just unable to fall asleep.
It's 1:39 AM when I finally hear him. I know where he's been. I can smell her perfume the moment he walks through the door....
'6 PM
Naked and on your knees.
Leave the door unlocked.'
I'd been reading that text message all day long. As if looking at it continuously would make it more acceptable or make it disappear altogether. But when neither of those things had happened by 5:45, I figured I would have to just accept it and do exactly as he indicated before he left town. Not that I hadn't really accepted it: I cleaned the house, I took a shower and I changed the sheets on the bed. Consciously not believ...
I wasn't supposed to be in town that night but my flights got mixed up and there I was. Obviously I was dying to see him again. Dying. I hadn't been taken with someone like that in..ever. I'd never been hit by love so hard in the face i came a little. I'd never looked someone in the face and immediately realized our lives will never be the same again.
But we'd only been on one date.
Just one.
So I tried to get away with pretending I wasn't in town. Especially because I ha...
My ex and I had a dynamic built entirely on me not having the right to say no. Clutch your pearls tighter, unbunch your panties, get over yourself and yes, that's what it was. We can make it prettier and call it Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) so fine, let's call it that. It was consensual non-consent. I know *now* that there are a few ways to do CNC but when we first got together, I knew only his way. Some people they don't want you to have the right to say no but will not...
2021-06-10 08:27:24 +0000 UTC View PostI had been lying there so long the rug was beginning to hurt my back. I could feel the impressions it would leave on my skin and I wondered, in fleeting thoughts, if I should start buying softer rugs.
His toe dug into inside of my thigh; right where the pelvis meets thigh in the spot that always makes me cry.
"Are we going to have another conversation about keeping your legs spread wide?" He asked while his toe enforced the question.
No.
No, we were not going to ha...
"Why are you looking at me like that?" He asked looking away from the highway and at me instead.
"Like what?" I asked in my refrain, lifting my head from my arm and looking away a little.
It's a bit alarming how often we have this exchange. It would appear we never know why we look at each other like that.
"Like...that," he said pointing at me, "Like a doe in headlights."
"You mean deer in headlights?"
"No," he said turning to pinch my swollen cheek, "I mean...
She's mad, but she's magic.
She laughs too loud, and before you know it there's tears in the corner of her eye.
She smiles wide but there is a profound sadness in the pout of her bottom lip.
She runs too far, so far she can almost never make her way back so if she ever crosses you, you know you're never getting her back.
She forgets who she is and then makes it up as she goes along.
She buys white dresses but you'd never know because they're painted red with...
"I want to bludgeon her to death," she said glaring at the object of her wrath on a computer screen, "Just take a giant rock and..."
It was surprising. Not that she harboured intense detestation for someone but that she wanted to bludgeon them. I'd have thought she'd use a gun, or a charm. Tiny, dainty little girl should probably murder with guns and not rocks.
I told her as much.
"What about you then?" She asked scoffing, clearly annoyed that I told her she'd fail at blu...
When I first suggested blue lights in the bedroom he cocked up his eyebrow and looked at me like I had gone insane.
"But blue is surreal," I told him.
He didn't understand but it's only because he doesn't see the lights the way I do. I chase light. Red is for torture, yellow is for love, green is for beauty and blue is for surrealism. I know I make no sense but sit with me in blue lights and you'll understand.
He did.
The lights came on, and he stepped ...
"Go to the other room and wait for me," he said urging me off the edge of our bed.
"Yes master."
We recently shifted our bedroom from one room to the other. The other room is cosier; it's smaller and feels more like a place you'd want to fall asleep in. Now in comparison, our old bedroom seems unfriendly and cold. It even felt colder in temperature as I walked in and stood next to the trunk. On the bed I could see the whip I had just finished cleaning ten minutes earlier. It l...
Whip bites.
Fists fall.
Leather meets skin.
I want to scream but it's stuck like the memory of a hair in my throat.
It's not really there.
But I remember it being there so well I can feel the outline still inside.
Inside, I can scream.
Outside, I just feel warm.
Purple warmth.
'Scream. Just scream. Why can't you scream?'
.....
Fists pound louder than the hammers inside my head.
Knuckles against my shoulders.
Some time ago I wrote something about being a sex worker. To be specific, what I wrote was about one particular client but it also detailed my personal experience of being a sex worker. Now I became a sex worker because that is what I wanted to do with my life then and it felt like something I had to do in my life, it wasn't something I did because it was my only recourse for an income or because I was forced in some way. I did it because I wanted it but I'd be lying if I said the entire expe...
2021-06-10 05:40:00 +0000 UTC View PostIt's dark outside. It has to be because the clock says it's well past nine. It doesn't matter though. It doesn't matter that the sun comes up every morning and children scurry away to school with giant backpacks that seem to grow bigger each year. It doesn't matter because inside this house, it's always night. The thick black curtains are always drawn, every crevice and crack is carefully filled in, the lights are always dimmed and every hour is cocktail hour. For him, anyway.
For me, ...
He never takes me out to dinner. I buy all these pretty clothes and most of the time I just end up wearing them around the house to make myself feel fancy. He never even takes me out for coffee. But that's okay, right? I mean, we live in the same house. Sleep in the same bed. Drink out of the same glass. And also, I actually hate going out to dinner. I find nothing stupider than the idea that I need to leave my house to spend quality time with the person I live with.
But.
Now th...