Negotiating a New D/s or M/s Dynamic

By RedWarrior

Dating is tough, but mixing in Domination and submission and kink into the mix can make things even more complicated.  You’ve been on some dates with someone and it’s looking good.  The attraction and chemistry is there and you’re hopeful this is someone you could really explore BDSM with.  Now what?

There are a few different schools of thought and a lot to consider when talking about forming a new D/s or M/s relationship.

If you’re dating someone who is already familiar with BDSM and already interested, then things are a lot easier, but there are still opportunities for miscommunication.  For this article, I’m assuming that either you’re dating someone who is already into BDSM or you’ve already discussed it with them and they’re interested in trying it.  We could do an entire other article on introducing a vanilla date to BDSM and ideas behind how and when, but for now, let’s assume you both are into it and both have already decided who will lead and who will follow.  It’s time to get down into the nitty gritty details of what it is that you want to do together, what you will create.

In both of my M/s relationships, this was relatively straightforward.

In both of these situations, the Master had a plan for what the relationship would look like.  They already had preferences for living situations, rules, and what our day to day lives would be like.  They were both already familiar with the styles of BDSM play they wanted to do and how they would handle rewards and punishments.  This was all laid out for me and it was up to me to accept or reject it.  There was little room for negotiation, but I was able to talk about my limits and make sure that those matched with what they were proposing and I was able to make some minor adjustments to their plans.  Then, it was pretty much a yes or no answer.  Both of them had a period of time before a formal collar, but it was relatively short and then I was collared to each of them for many years.

In that style of relationship, the bulk of the responsibility for the shape of the relationship, the form it would take, fell on the Master/Mistress/Owner’s shoulders.  It was up to them to have a vision and be able to express that vision to any potential slave or property.  It was my responsibility to know my own wants, needs, and limits and be realistic about whether or not what they were offering was a good fit for me.  Happily, in both cases, it was and each relationship lasted many years and I learned and grew through both of them.

D/s relationships can be a lot more flexible and varied and have a lot more room for negotiation.

I have had D/s relationships that involved a formal, written contract and ones that were more freeform.  In most of my D/s relationships, I did not live with my Dominant 24/7, but many submissives do.  Functionally, some D/s relationships can look a lot like a M/s relationship or they can be very relaxed and open.  There is usually a lot more room for a submissive to negotiate and help shape the relationship and while the Dominant leads and the submissive follows, together they come up with the dance that works best for them.  Here I think it is key that both partners know what they want and need in any relationship to be happy and fulfilled and that they both negotiate the boundaries of the relationship so that they both get those needs and as many of those wants as possible.

Most D/s relationships also have a period of consideration or a period after which both the Dominant and submissive come back together to negotiate again.  This can be a wonderful way to test out different aspects of the relationship and then rework whatever might not be working well for both parties.  I know one couple that still, years after a formal collaring, renegotiate their relationship on their anniversary and make a private celebration of it.  This allows the relationship to shift and change as they do.  I know another couple that has a weekly meeting in which they do something very similar.  They negotiate any aspects of the relationship that they feel need tweaking and then decompress from their busy week together, strengthening their bond.  Some people have written contracts that would make a lawyer blush.  Others have a mission or vision statement of some kind beautifully printed and framed.

The beauty of these negotiations and these relationships is that they can be whatever those within them want them to be.

If you want to be in D/s for three days a week, only on odd days and be called “My Liege,” and wear a cravat, you can negotiate that.  If it winds up not working out the way you thought it would, you can renegotiate it.  Often this can take some pressure of the initial negotiation of a dynamic because there is no need to get everything absolutely right the first time around.  Relationships are organic things that change and grow just as the people within them do.  The main key is that everyone is on the same page as far as the limits and boundaries of the relationship and needs are being met.

I think an important distinction is that those who are negotiating a D/s or M/s relationship are not adversaries.  This is not some dramatic 80’s movie where lawyers are like sharks and trying to trick each other into losing out on a big deal.  Those negotiating the relationship are co-creators and are simply using language to try to give form to their dreams.  I once heard a Master refer to his Master/slave relationship as his “garden of earthly delights.”  His vision was to create a life with his slave that would bring pleasure and delight to them both.  He used his leadership to shape their lives so that their home and time together could be a beautiful oasis from the stress and complication of the world outside.

BDSM relationships can involve fantasy and escape from reality and they can also provide support and structure that helps both partners function even better in the world outside.  A Dominant can negotiate the ability to enforce rules for bedtime, healthy eating, hydration, and exercise for their submissive, enabling them to live a healthier and happier life.  A submissive can provide service, like coordinating a Dominant’s calendar and preparing healthy meals that allow that Dominant to focus their time and energy on other tasks.  Then, they can meet in the dungeon to work off a rough week of work.

It’s important to remember that BDSM contracts, whether written or not, aren’t enforceable.  We can’t legally make our partners do what we want or hold them captive if they fail to follow our rules.  It’s important that contracts not be used to justify abuse or neglect of our partners and it’s important that anyone who is unhappy in a relationship have the means to either work towards change or to move on and heal.

Negotiating a BDSM relationship can be an exciting time as well as an opportunity to get to know our partners better as we conspire together to create something unique, a dance only we dance together.