Is It Submission or Just Sparkling Codependence?

By RedWarrior

Twue submission comes only from a certain region of BDSMtopia.  All other submission is really just sparkling codependency!

Ok, I’m mostly just kidding there, but this writing is probably going to step on some toes.  It might help to know that this realization definitely stomped on my own toes and I’m still processing that myself.  I’m realizing that a lot of what I thought was my submission was actually codependency and I think it’s important to be able to tell the difference between a healthy D/s or M/s dynamic and one that is simply putting an edgier spin on dysfunctional relationship patterns.  I’m far from a mental health expert, so if any of this strikes a chord for you, I’d recommend consulting a mental health professional, in particular a kink-aware therapist, to help you sort through things.

So, first off, what IS codependency?

You may not have all of these characteristics, but these are some characteristics of a codependent person, from Mental Health America:

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue

• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time

• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts

• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment

• An extreme need for approval and recognition

• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves

• A compelling need to control others

• Lack of trust in self and/or others

• Fear of being abandoned or alone

• Difficulty identifying feelings

• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change

• Problems with intimacy/boundaries

• Chronic anger

• Lying/dishonesty

• Poor communications

• Difficulty making decisions

In addition, this questionnaire can help you identify signs of codependency:

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?

2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?

3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?

4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?

5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?

6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?

7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?

8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?

9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?

10. Have you ever felt inadequate?

11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?

12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?

13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?

14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?

15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?

16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?

17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?

18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?

19. Do you have trouble asking for help?

20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

The difficulty becomes when some of these traits or tendencies are also ones that we desire in relationships.  I tend to become very moldable in my relationships with my Dominants or Masters and can lose my own sense of identity in them.  I tend to center my life around those relationships and devote a lot of time and energy to them.  I also am working to heal an anxious attachment style.  All those things can be true at once and I can still desire and thrive within a relationship in which I’m submissive to my partner, but I also need to be careful that I’m not falling into bad patterns in those relationships.

For someone with codependency and anxious attachment, a power exchange relationship can feel safe and secure.  It can provide that structure and tight bond that the person craves and give them a healthy outlet for their desire to be needed and in service to someone.  Conversely, it can also become simply a new container for an unhealthy relationship.  For myself, it has taken moving from a tightly controlled, 24/7, Total Power Exchange, Master/slave relationship to a much less rigid, part time D/s relationship to realize that my M/s relationships have often masked a lot of issues I needed to work on.

Specifically, my M/s relationships encouraged a high level of dependency on my partners.  It was considered a good thing if I had trouble with emotional regulation without them.  It was a good thing if I constantly turned to them for validation or to know what to do or what was good or right.  That might be what you desire in a relationship, too, and it does create a tight bond, but in my case, given my own unique relationship patterns, it wasn’t necessarily healthy for me.  My current partner has very different wants and needs in relationships.  He wants me to be happy and healthy and functional whether he is able to be there or not.  He wants to encourage my growth even if it leads me away from him.  He wants me to have friendships outside of him and a full, healthy life even without him.

And that’s a huge change for me and one that’s taken a bit to wrap my head around.

For the longest time, I kept trying, in ways I wasn’t even consciously aware of, to shift this relationship into what I was used to.  To me, that level of independence felt lonely and triggered my anxiety that maybe he didn’t really want me, wasn’t really committed to me.  If you’re used to being codependent, a healthy relationship can feel uncomfortable or even unhealthy.  That’s often where a good therapist can help give you an outside perspective on what is going on.

At the end of the day, I feel like the biggest indicator of whether or not your power exchange is “healthy” is less clinical definitions of different relationship issues and more how you feel and function within that relationship.  What is unhealthy for one person might be where another thrives best.  A healthy relationship challenges you to grow and become a fuller version of yourself.  A healthy relationship brings more happiness and joy to your life overall even if there are times that are challenging or uncomfortable.  A healthy relationship allows you to thrive in multiple areas of your life.

I think it’s good to be vigilant that your submission is coming from a healthy place of consensual choice and not dysfunctional relationship patterns you may be carrying from your past.