Why You Might Want to Match Energy in Your Power Exchange

By RedWarrior

Matching energy is a term that’s being used in dating circles to basically describe putting as much time and care into a relationship as the other person is giving.  Early on in dating this might mean restricting your texting to an amount similar to what the other person is doing or no longer contacting them at all if it seems like you’re always the one initiating.  Often it seems like early relationships feel like a game of emotional chicken, where each person is making tentative steps in the other’s direction, but then waiting to see if the other person reciprocates before offering any more.

I think this can be useful early on and also later on as a way of gauging the health of a power exchange relationship.  Of course, eventually there comes a time to “go big or go home” in a relationship, to let go of trying to protect yourself or measure what you’re giving versus what you’re getting, but often giving too much too soon can overwhelm a newer partner or lead to heartbreak when it turns out those feelings just aren’t reciprocated.  Matching energy can help the relationship slowly develop more organically over time as well as help protect you from investing too much in it too soon.

This got me thinking about power exchange relationships, particularly newer relationships with people newer to power exchange.  Often, there is some uncertainty over what level of power exchange each person wants as well as what that really looks like.  A Dominant might feel overwhelmed if a new submissive is suddenly handing over so much control and a submissive might feel claustrophobic if a new Dominant is trying to take more than they are ready to give.

I’ve had several power exchange relationships with a couple even being me in the Dominant seat and I could probably divide them up into two types when it came to how we handled the giving and taking of control early on.  In my two Master/slave style relationships, the Masters knew what they wanted upfront and were able to articulate that pretty clearly and it was up to me to accept or reject that relationship as a whole based on that picture they created.  The “matching of energy” was basically the Master stating what control he wanted and me deciding whether that was a good fit for me or not.  This would be kind of like the vanilla equivalent of an arranged marriage or other very short courtship leading to a commitment.  We spoke about the details much like a legal agreement.

The other style has been most of my D/s relationships where things developed a bit more organically.  The Dominant may or may not have many concrete ideas of what they want the relationship to look like and it may be more something that develops between them and the submissive over time than something they have a set plan for.  In these relationships, there may be tentative overtures from the Dominant to take control or the submissive to give up control and it’s here that I think that practicing the idea of “matching energy” can be particularly helpful.

When I first started dating my current Dominant, I had come out of a 12 year long 24/7, TPE, M/s relationship.  I’d had two years single, but I still had that urge to just hand everything over to my new Dominant.  My new Dominant is not interested in a 24/7, TPE, M/s anything.  He is new to BDSM and D/s and isn’t exactly sure how much control he wants or what he wants that to look like.  If I had simply handed over that much control to him, I likely would have overwhelmed him and he might have decided that this just wasn’t for him.  Similarly, I have dated Dominants who wanted to take control of aspects of my life before I was ready to give them over.  I needed to know and trust them more before I would have felt comfortable giving up those parts of my life to a partner.

So, what does “matching energy” in a power exchange look like?

For me, it often looks like offering a service or a piece of control to the Dominant and then gauging how they react.  I started pretty early on texting my Dominant good morning and good night every day and he liked that, so I asked him if he would like to make that a rule, that I should text him good morning and good night every day.  He agreed.  Boom…we’ve both made a step towards each other in D/s.  From his side, it has often looked like him deciding he wants control of something and stating that desire.  He decided he didn’t like my motorcycle helmet because it was kind of painted loud and obnoxious and he told me he’d like me to get a new one.  I responded to his step forward by sending him links to the helmets I thought met his specifications and asking his opinion, then getting the one he liked.  Ka-pow!  Another step closer to each other in D/s.  I don’t send him links to every piece of clothing I want to buy because he hasn’t expressed an interest in choosing everything.  He expressed an interest in the kind of helmet I wear, so I engaged his authority in choosing one.

This is a slower way of building a power exchange to be sure, but it can really help keep either side from getting in over their heads.

My Dominant likes that building the exchange this way allows him to limit the amount of responsibility he is taking on so that he can make sure he’s on top of the things he has taken control over.  Rather than having a lot of rules or protocols that he might lose track of, he has a limited number that he has added to as he’s felt more comfortable which has kept it manageable and made it easier for him to be sure he’s keeping me accountable for the ones he has created.

On my side, it often means holding back my submission somewhat to match what he is requesting and that…can be a challenge.

There is something in me that very much either wants to yield everything…or nothing at all.  Having to temper that urge and instead cede over only certain parts or surrender fully only at certain times has been a very challenging skill to learn, but I’m finding it is healthier for me right now, at this place in my life.  I’m still rebuilding my life after my last long term BDSM relationship and I’m still reclaiming pieces of myself and this feels like a relationship style that both satisfies my need for Domination while still providing a structure that limits it so that I can still experience life more on my own and discover more who I am now, separate from any partner.

Matching energy could be exactly what you need as you build a D/s relationship to help make sure both the Dominant and submissive are fully comfortable in the amount of power exchange taking place and it can help pace the growth of a newer D/s relationship.

Conversely, it can also help you see when a relationship might be ending.

As sad as it can be, sometimes BDSM relationships fade and I’ve found that one telltale sign of this happening is the Dominant or Master/Mistress no longer being fully engaged with the power exchange.  This tends to happen earlier and more often than the submissive or slave withdrawing.  Often, submissives or slaves will continue on, almost on autopilot, observing their protocols and rituals or offering their submission to an absentee Dominant.  Dominants seem to be more likely to remain in the relationship while withdrawing their attention, either by focusing on other partners or by focusing their energies on work or other hobbies.

For a submissive, matching energy can sometimes be a last ditch effort to get an absentee Dominant’s attention.  By no longer observing rules or protocols or engaging in rituals that the D or M-type has put into place, it puts the ball in the D or M-type’s court.  It’s up to them to now uphold the rules, protocols, or rituals or at the least hold the s-type accountable for not following them.  In the case where it’s the submissive who isn’t engaged, matching energy is going to have far less effect because the submissive already isn’t following the D or M-type’s lead.

I would consider this as a last option if all normal communication hasn’t worked and a submissive or slave is seriously considering ending the relationship.  Sadly, it’s very rare that this works to save a relationship, but it can give the concrete closure that a submissive or slave needs to know for certain that the power exchange is over.  If the Dominant or Master/Mistress does not respond to rules, protocols, or rituals being ignored, it means those things no longer matter to them.  For me, this was the final step I needed to know I needed to ask to be released from service and begin the healing process.

I do think that in established, healthy relationships, there comes a time where there is no longer a need or desire to match energy.  Instead, it becomes time to simply and clearly communicate wants and needs and stop gauging what the other person is giving and measuring out what you give in return.  If you have passed that point and are returning to matching energy, then I think that’s usually a sign that something has broken down in communication or the relationship.

Ideally, matching energy should be a stage in BDSM courtship, not a way of keeping a balance sheet with our partners.