Being a Single Slave/Submissive/Whatever

By RedWarrior

Disclaimer - This is all, 100 percent my views and perspective when I’m single. Do as you will in your own life and relationships.

I sometimes struggle with labels when I’m single. Am I still a slave without a Master? Am I a submissive if I rarely see anyone I would submit to? What am I if I am not defined in relation to another? As I journey along this path now as a single person, I’m finding more and more that who I am is not as different from who I was than I thought.

I still crave deep power exchange, to be known and owned. I still am a masochist. I still enjoy Topping. Have I ever really been monogamous? Even if I wasn’t having penetrative sex with anyone but my Master, we both were still happily and with each other’s full knowledge and consent getting other people off even when we didn’t have girlfriends.

It’s like going through a scrapbook of my last and longest relationship and finding the pictures that I still treasure…and deciding yes…I will take this with me. I’m grateful I have a pretty full album of them to choose from.

For me, being single may be filled with longing, but it’s also an expansive state of growth.

I don’t just sit in a tower waiting for a Prince or Queen to come and rescue me from my single-ness. I go out into the dungeons. I slay dragons and I make friends. I take classes and I learn. I work on myself so that if or when I cross my future Owner’s path, they will stop in their tracks, finding me irresistible.

It can be tough to find someone who is your power exchange compliment. I feel like it’s even harder now than when my former Master and I met…and it was difficult then. There are plenty of people out there looking for sex and light play, fewer looking for a relationship and even fewer who need dominance and sadism as intrinsic part of their relationships. Finding one of those rare people who has space in their lives for someone else who needs submission and masochism in their relationship…is about like finding a winning lottery ticket.

The good news is that they do exist, but it takes some effort and time to find each other.

So, along with working on myself to be the best version of myself I can be when they do come along, I also actively seek them. I go on the dating apps, but my profile is very specific to what I’m looking for. I filter through tons of potentials that turn out to only be curious, only seeking sex, only looking for something other than what I’m seeking. I narrow those down from a multitude to a handful that know what I’m talking about and are interested and then of those maybe two or three are willing to meet in person for a first date. I do find some single, experienced D or M types this way who, for whatever reason, are dating mostly through apps, but I’m cautious with these because a lot of times when someone like this isn’t out locally at events, it can be a warning sign. Other times they just don’t like being the single D or M type at the munch.

So, I go on first dates at public vanilla places. I go for coffee or dinner or lunch. I dress myself up and put on my makeup and I hope. If that date goes well, then I ask them to a munch or the dungeon and see how that goes. Most won’t take that step or will take it and fizzle out at that point.

While all this goes on, I keep going to the munches and events.

I go to make friends and community, to learn, and because I never know if that rare person I’m seeking might just walk through the door. It would be even better if they are already out in the community and looking for me. I go to as much as my schedule allows because the better I know my local community the easier it becomes to make friends, vet people I’m interested in, and feel the warmth of acceptance whether I find a partner or not.

And I play.

I Top where I can and very selectively bottom for Sadistic Tops I trust. These are friends I know well who I can trust not to take advantage of the situation. I specifically avoid bottoming for Tops who are heavily into power exchange outside of their scenes during this process unless I find that person who has passed through my dating process and is a potential partner. These trusted Tops help me keep my masochism under control so it’s not clouding my judgment and, hopefully they enjoy helping a friend while also getting a willing outlet for their Sadism.

What I don’t do is go around letting my submission, sexual frustration, or masochism lead me.

As much as there needs to be chemistry with a potential D or M type, I also need a clear head to really get to know them before I move on to the next step. I can’t do that if I can’t think clearly through my own desires and needs. So, that may mean negotiating scenes with my friendly aforementioned Tops along with my own sessions with myself and some good smut to let off some steam as well as being very aware of my own urges to submit to someone before I should. I resist those urges. I don’t use titles or accept commands or such.

It’s a frustrating, almost painful balancing act of letting enough submission out so they can see it’s there, but reining it in so that they can’t just reach out and take it before I willing to give it. It feels similar to what I imagine blue balls would feel like for a man. But, giving in to that feeling, as good as it would feel in the moment, could be disastrous if it’s with the wrong person.

And that’s where Topping often helps.

There I can take all that pent up energy and lavish it on my play partners. In Sadism, I can at least get a little relief and in a way that is safer for me than bottoming to get it. I prowl around the dungeon is search of willing prey, always hoping that there is a bigger, badder predator than me out there somewhere stalking me and that they will be the right one to keep me and own me.

Dating is a hard, long process, but these are the things I have figured out for myself to make it a little easier, safer, and to continue to grow and make friends along the way.