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John Soprano

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♦ Topic: A New Thread
In: Boards ► Oceania ► Australia ► Queensland ► Brisbane ► General
Wallababy (Original Poster) (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)

What the fuck is going on right now? Why did the endbringer sirens go off? My dog's cracking the shits right now.

Edit: [RooJack] gave us the lowdown. Simurgh descended. Then died. I don't fucking know, just go read his [post].

(Showing page 1 of 7)

►Spider in Your Pants

So much for the guy in the know, huh?

►Wallababy (Original Poster) (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)

Fuck off, ya shit-stirring cock-goblin.

►RooJack (Verified Cape) (Outback Rangers)

[Press release here]

For the rest of you literacy-challenged folks, here's the gist:

• Golden plane shot towards the Simurgh. [Image]

• Simurgh & suicidal idiot had a dogfight. [Shaky as fuck video]

• Simurgh dove towards the city. [Image]

• Some dude, standing on the motherfucking plane, stabbed her with a spear. [Video]

• Simurgh died. [The most important screenshot of the above video]

So I guess I should take it back. Not suicidal, just BATSHIT INSANE. We'll keep the post with the press release updated as we get more information.

►Spider in Your Pants

What the actual fuck did I just read? Did someone seriously challenge the Simurgh to a dogfight?

►RooJack (Verified Cape) (Outback Rangers)

You're forgetting the even crazier part. Someone challenged the Simurgh to a dogfight, and not only walked away, he won.

I can’t stress that enough. Before anyone asks, yes, the video is real. We’ve had multiple thinkers, tinkers, and unpowered analysts confirm it. This is by far the most bullshit thing I’ve ever seen and I was there for the Emu Stampede of ‘02. 

►Spider in Your Pants

Not forgetting, just... processing…

[Wallababy] Shit, I owe you an apology, mate. No one sane could have guessed this one.

►Wallababy (Original Poster) (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)

Apology accepted. But where did you get the video, [RooJack]?

►Drop BEAR (Verified Cape) (Outback Rangers)

Shit. Just got back from calming you civvies. And yeah, we're trying to come to grips with this bullshit, too.

Not upset, just... processing...

►Rawr_Goes_Kibbles

Did... Did we just see history get made?

End of Page.   1, 2, 3 ... 5, 6, 7

(Showing page 2 of 7)

►Wallababy (Original Poster) (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)

I think that’s safe to say, yes.

►RooJack (Verified Cape) (Outback Rangers)

If you must know, we had [Cloud Shepherd] pull video from active weather balloons, satellites, rooftop cameras, and even one recreational flyer. She's our info-sec thinker if you'll recall. She's good at collating data like that.

►Cloud Shepherd (Verified Cape) (Outback Rangers)

Yes, yes I am. Now leave me the fuck alone and stop tagging me. Do you have any idea how much work I have now?

►RooJack (Verified Cape) (Outback Rangers)

lol Oops, sorry, babe.

►2ManyCamels (Veteran Member)

Okay, what do we know about the golden airplane? It kind of looks like a dragonfly. Do we have a tinker who makes stuff like that? And if so, how the fuck have we not heard of them?

►Nothingburger

Not that I know. Can’t be a new trigger, either. Tinkertech takes time and resources, even if both those requirements are drastically smaller than conventional hardware. No one who triggered off Canberra would have been able to build this.

Still, whoever they are, I owe them a beer.

►Good Ship Morpheus

I know it’s not likely, but can you fucking imagine? If they did trigger via Simurgh bomb, then it’ll be the most ironic death in history. Bird bitch just offed herself Rube Goldberg-style.

Either way, Brisbane just became the most legendary city in the world.

►Wallababy (Original Poster) (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)

Probably not. Even aside from the resource requirements for building a super-plane, I somehow doubt the Simurgh managed to commit elaborate suicide. It’d be hilarious, but that’s too much to hope for.

Also, if you're going by endbringer kills, nah. There's [Brockton Bay] in the land of the Yanks that killed Leviathan a few weeks ago. They've got some seriously scary folks over there... and Nazis.

You know Brockton’s a special kind of hellhole when the Nazis aren't the scary people.

►Good Ship Morpheus

Shit, you're right. There’s John Soprano, the guy who [beat Leviathan to death with his chicken spit]. He apparently runs a restaurant? Like, he’s not a hero. Bro just… makes barbecue. Damn, I kinda want some now.

And who fucked the goddess of luck? Must’ve given her a hell of an orgasm for her to pull this shit. Two endbringers dying within a month of each other? 2011 is now my favorite year.

►Spider in Your Pants

Agreed. The Japs and Canucks are celebrating at any rate. A friend works in Canada as a nurse. She’s getting sick of treating alcohol poisoning and shit hasn’t let up since Levi died, either.

You know what? Fuck this shit. Just told my boss I’m quitting for the day. I’m going to get drunk, hug my daughter, and bang my wife. Peace out.

End of Page.   1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

(Showing page 3 of 7)

►2ManyCamels (Veteran Member)

You are a man of good taste.

Two down, one more to go! Pop the champagne, Brisbane! We're getting shitfaced tonight!

Also, [here’s] a list of bars that stopped charging for shit.

►Wallababy (Original Poster) (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)

You do that. I still want to dig a bit into just who our favorite tinker is. Safe to say, we owe him a beer... or the whole fucking brewery.

►OCD-PRT (PRT HQ) (Office of the Chief Director)

We can shed some light on that.

Hello from across the Pacific, Australia.

The Simurgh was slain in combat by an independent hero, [Shirou Emiya], through the use of an unknown spear projection. He is [this man] atop the aircraft.

The aircraft is called Vimana and was piloted by Protectorate ENE hero, [Velocity], of the United States. Vimana was a gift by [Pitmaster Soprano], the original "end-slayer." It possesses extensive stealth capabilities, enough to fool the Simurgh and allow Shirou Emiya’s approach.

Please stand by for our official press release.

►RooJack (Verified Cape) (Outback Rangers)

Welp, there's your answer, [Wallababy]. You're learning at the same time I am. Figures it'd be the fucking Yanks, though. Not that we're not appreciative, but a warning would have been nice!

►Brilliger (Moderator: Protectorate Main)

That's the press secretary's account from the chief director's office, [RooJack]. They just use that to shoot off major press releases. You're not going to get a response from them.

I, on the other hand, have been tapped (read: pressganged) to answer your questions. Fire away, though no promises.

►RooJack (Verified Cape) (Outback Rangers)

Lovely, glad to have you. Now, if you don't mind, I think I speak for all of us down under when I say, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

►2ManyCamels (Veteran Member)

lol This shit's gold. Roo's having a meltdown.

►Drop BEAR (Verified Cape) (Outback Rangers)

It's easier to keep it together when you're in charge. But as soon as someone else who's supposed to know more comes along, then you've got a bit of leeway to freak out, you know?

►2ManyCamels (Veteran Member)

Oh, I get it. Still hilarious.

►Brilliger (Moderator: Protectorate Main)

Well, I'd love to give you more information, but we really don't know much more than the official account already posted.

End of Page.   1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

(Showing page 4 of 7)

►Rawr_Goes_Kibbles

Wait, isn't he your hero? Velocity is in the Protectorate, right?

►Brilliger (Moderator: Protectorate Main)

Right. What you're forgetting is that we have exactly zero control over [Pitmaster Soprano].

His friend, [Shirou Emiya], registered as an independent hero in Brockton Bay a few weeks ago. Other than a handful of neighborhood patrols with the Wards, this is his first major action as a hero.

►Drop BEAR (Verified Cape) (Outback Rangers)

Oh, wow... first one? That's a hell of a feather in his cap, then.

Heh, get it? Feather?

►2ManyCamels (Veteran Member)

We do, now go to sleep, grandpa.

►Drop BEAR (Verified Cape) (Outback Rangers)

Bah! You kids just don't appreciate a good joke anymore.

►Brilliger (Moderator: Protectorate Main)

Right, anyway, we didn't know Velocity was in the air until he was halfway across the country. At this point, we think [Pitmaster Soprano]'s insanity is contagious.

We're just not sure if it's worth stopping... or if we can...

►Wallababy (Original Poster) (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)

It got us two dead endbringers. I'd say he's a net positive.

►Brilliger (Moderator: Protectorate Main)

Ah, but our poor sanity. Do you have any idea how overworked we are? Or how many complaints we've had from Brockton Bay?

►2ManyCamels (Veteran Member)

Heh. Not our problem. Who said you Yanks should get so many overpowered capes?

You know, usually, you government types would be trying to act like you had something to do with this. A joint operation or something.

►Brilliger (Moderator: Protectorate Main)

Hah! Are you kidding? I mean, I’m sure someone’s considered it, but not all of us are that braindead, thanks. We have a good relationship with [Shirou Emiya]. We'd like to keep it that way.

[Velocity], on the other hand, should report back to Brockton Bay immediately for the obligatory four hour lecture about respecting procedures. Then, we’ll probably ship him down to DC for his medal in front of the White House. After that, who knows?

End of Page.   1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

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►Pitmaster Soprano (Verified Cape) (Endbringer Slayer) (Don Texas) (Mafioso Mesquite) (Godfather of the Grill) (Heaven's Feel)

Oh my, look how many pings I've got. Can you believe Emily's been nagging me nonstop about this? It's like she doesn't trust me.

►Brilliger (Moderator: Protectorate Main)

To be fair to Director Piggot, you kidnapped one of her heroes for an alpha strike against the Simurgh...

►Pitmaster Soprano (Verified Cape) (Endbringer Slayer) (Don Texas) (Mafioso Mesquite) (Godfather of the Grill) (Heaven's Feel)

So what? In the words of the great Sasaki Kojiro, “All I see is an obese swallow.”

►Drop BEAR (Verified Cape) (Outback Rangers)

I get it now, [Brilliger]. We’ll raise two monuments, one to celebrate the Simurgh’s death, and the second to mourn your declining sanity.

►Brilliger (Moderator: Protectorate Main)

Your sympathy is appreciated.

[Pitmaster Soprano], just because you think an endbringer is something you can eat for breakfast doesn't mean the rest of us don't get heart attacks when they show up!

►Pitmaster Soprano (Verified Cape) (Endbringer Slayer) (Don Texas) (Mafioso Mesquite) (Godfather of the Grill) (Heaven's Feel)

Skill issue.

Although, this really didn't go the way I expected, either.

►Wallababy (Original Poster) (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)

How so? I'm curious. This was the best possible outcome, right?

►Pitmaster Soprano (Verified Cape) (Endbringer Slayer) (Don Texas) (Mafioso Mesquite) (Godfather of the Grill) (Heaven's Feel)

Oh, no, not them winning, that was never in doubt. If all else fails, Shirou's got his Reality Marble. Coupled with blueblood circuits and Avalon, he probably could unleash at least a semi-unsealed Excaliblast.

No, a part of me thought Shirou would come back with a wife.

►Wallababy (Original Poster) (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)

Wife...?

►Pitmaster Soprano (Verified Cape) (Endbringer Slayer) (Don Texas) (Mafioso Mesquite) (Godfather of the Grill) (Heaven's Feel)

Yes, that's his thing. He lives life like he's the protagonist of an action-harem anime. I'm not joking, either. I seriously thought Simmie would fall for him and renounce her evil ways or whatever.

End of Page.   1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

(Showing page 6 of 7)

►Shirou Emiya (Verified Cape) (Wrought Iron Hero) (The One Who Pursues Endlessly) (Possibly Satan) (Harem Protagonist)

I do not live my life like a harem anime, John.

►Rawr_Goes_Kibbles

Woah, what's with all those tags?

►Fishie (Board Admin)

[Pitmaster Soprano] asked me to and I was too afraid to tell him no.

More to the point, it is my sincerest honor and pleasure to log another Endbringer Slayer tag into our system. Two, at that. [Velocity] also deserves credit.

►Rawr_Goes_Kibbles

Yeah, but what about the rest? Wrought Iron Hero? The One Who Pursues Endlessly? Possibly Satan?

Am I the only one who's really, really curious about that last one?

►Wallababy (Original Poster) (Veteran Member) (The Guy in the Know)

You are not. There's a story there.

►Shirou Emiya (Verified Cape) (Wrought Iron Hero) (The One Who Pursues Endlessly) (Possibly Satan) (Harem Protagonist) (Endbringer Slayer)

Thank you, [Fishie]. I will wear it with pride.

There is no story. John just thinks he's being funny.

►Pitmaster Soprano (Verified Cape) (Endbringer Slayer) (Don Texas) (Mafioso Mesquite) (Godfather of the Grill) (Heaven's Feel)

Bitch, I'm hilarious.

Anyway, Origin = Sword. Element = Sword. Not every sword is made of metal, yeah? ;)

►Shirou Emiya (Verified Cape) (Wrought Iron Hero) (The One Who Pursues Endlessly) (Possibly Satan) (Harem Protagonist) (Endbringer Slayer)

That's not how it works and you know it!

►Pitmaster Soprano (Verified Cape) (Endbringer Slayer) (Don Texas) (Mafioso Mesquite) (Godfather of the Grill) (Heaven's Feel)

You’re right. Artoria is the one with the sword. You have the sheath.

►Shirou Emiya (Verified Cape) (Wrought Iron Hero) (The One Who Pursues Endlessly) (Possibly Satan) (Harem Protagonist) (Endbringer Slayer)

Yes… but I don’t like the insinuations you’re making.

End of Page.   1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

(Showing page 7 of 7)

►Evergreen

I just looked up the PRT registry. Shirou is [smoking hot]. I didn't know I needed a ginger Asian man, but damn. He looks like a pop idol, but with muscles.

Is there room in that harem?

►2ManyCamels (Veteran Member)

Fuck my life. See what you two have done? You've brought out the horny crotch-goblin.

►Shirou Emiya (Verified Cape) (Wrought Iron Hero) (The One Who Pursues Endlessly) (Possibly Satan) (Harem Protagonist) (Endbringer Slayer)

There is NO harem.

►Pitmaster Soprano (Verified Cape) (Endbringer Slayer) (Don Texas) (Mafioso Mesquite) (Godfather of the Grill) (Heaven's Feel)

That's right. I'm sorry, [Evergreen], but you're not good enough. He has exacting standards when it comes to women.

►Drop BEAR (Verified Cape) (Outback Rangers)

lol I'm curious. What are those standards?

►Pitmaster Soprano (Verified Cape) (Endbringer Slayer) (Don Texas) (Mafioso Mesquite) (Godfather of the Grill) (Heaven's Feel)

Really, just the one: You have to be able to kick his ass.

►Shirou Emiya (Verified Cape) (Wrought Iron Hero) (The One Who Pursues Endlessly) (Possibly Satan) (Harem Protagonist) (Endbringer Slayer)

That's not true.

►Pitmaster Soprano (Verified Cape) (Endbringer Slayer) (Don Texas) (Mafioso Mesquite) (Godfather of the Grill) (Heaven's Feel)

Artoria. Rin. Illya. Rider. Sakura. Luvia.

Shirou, literally every woman you've been with, or had the slightest potential of getting with, has either a) tried to kill you, or b) probably could have succeeded if they cared enough to make the attempt.

►Shirou Emiya (Verified Cape) (Wrought Iron Hero) (The One Who Pursues Endlessly) (Possibly Satan) (Harem Protagonist) (Endbringer Slayer)

…

I hate you.

►2ManyCamels (Veteran Member)

Huh… Man’s got game…

End of Page.   1, 2, 3 ... 5, 6, 7

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Author’s Note

I know this one’s short. Cut me some slack.

Simmie as the first of Shirou’s Earth-Bet harem sounds hilarious. Alas, I decided against it. I’ll save that for another crack fic idea… maybe.

Animal Fact: I said crocs are smarter than you give them credit for. They’re the smartest group of reptiles and can have complex hunting patterns.

What’s even scarier is that they’re smart enough to remember you. For example, if you camp out on a lake for three days and get water each dawn, they’ll see the first and second times this happens and wait for you on the third. This is why when in croc territory, locals often tell you to vary the times at which you get water.