THE ADVENTURES OF LIGHTNING PRINCESS AMI: TEYVAT CHAPTER PART II

THE ADVENTURES OF LIGHTNING PRINCESS AMI

TEYVAT CHAPTER PART II

A FATED ENCOUNTER: THE LIGHTNING PRINCESS LAID TO REST!?  

Shading her eyes with her hand, Ami peered down at the bustling port city below her. Benny’s Adventure Team had already been passing through small villages and mid-sized towns for several days, and had managed to find an inn or hostile to sleep in each night along the well-traveled road between the capitals of Mondstadt and its neighbor, Liyue. Liyue Harbor itself was a sprawling metropolis, far larger than Mondstadt was. 

Junks streamed in and out of the harbor, along ships of a variety of different makes that had to be from other nations. Some were wind-powered, but others looked to be steam-powered, or used some sort of other elemental-based mechanism to propel themselves. 

“Wow, who’d have thought we’d ever come this far?” Bennett asked, grinning enthusiastically and giving Ami a big thumbs up. “This is the furthest I’ve ever been from Mondstadt! I’d been to Stone Gate before, but not all the way to Liyue Harbor!” 

“Yes, it’s quite the sight, isn’t it?” the far more cosmopolitan Mona said, studying her nails absently. “Personally, I find the Court of Fontaine to be much more interesting. Nothing but merchants in Liyue Harbor.”

“Ha ha ha!” Fischel posed atop a nearby rock, Oswald spreading his crackling wings behind her head as she summoned her bow. “The Prinzessen der Verurteilung has traveled both time and space! The many wonders I have beheld would drive mortal minds mad!”

“Not me, I’m only a little mortal,” Ami pointed out helpfully. 

“At least half still, my lady,” Murasaki said, posing behind his mistress and puffing himself up so his horn grew much larger and he could flex his arms into biceps. Ami found his little rivalry with Oz to be quite endearing, especially as the Raven tried to puff up his feathers and look even bigger. 

“W-well, b-be that as it may! While this domain of mercantilism and greed glitters like mora in the sunlight, be not deceived, for it is but a wretched hive of scum and villainy!” Fischel huffed. 

“Then we shall watch out for Imperial Stormtroopers and vile Hutt gangsters! Perhaps we shall be so fortunate as to meet a rogish captain and his wookie companion to sail us back to my mother’s homeland!” Ami said eagerly, eyes going dreamy at the thought of a handsome and young Harrison Ford whisking her off to the stars. 

“It’s more the millelith you need to watch out for. Which is why…” Mona suddenly grabbed both Fischel and Ami’s ears, making both of them cry out in pain and protest. “Both of you BEHAVE yourselves! We are on a SECRET mission, do you understand!? Do you have ANY idea how much trouble we could be in if people found out you were the Raiden Shogun’s daughter and had her legendary sword stuck in your chest, Ami!? And you, Fischel! No more of this Prinzessen business until we are safely aboard a ship bound for Inazuma!” 

“Do you doubt my veracity and lineage!?” Fischel gasped.

Mona rolled her eyes. “Think of it as having to be a royal incognito. If the foes of the realm find out you’re here, it would cause nothing but trouble. That goes for both of you! Now, do you understand?!”

“Yes,” Ami and Fischel agreed sullenly, but Mona didn’t release their ears. Instead, she looked at their two familiars. “And you will help them remember they are in disguise?”

“Of course, madam,” Murasaki said with a slight bow. 

Oz nodded his beak. “We will see to mein fräulein’s safety, and that of Lady Ami. It is our duty as their retainers.”

“Good,” Mona said, and released the two chunnibyo’s ears for them to rub as they sulked and glared at her. Mona put a hand to her head and looked faintly sick. “I’ve read your futures, and if you attract the attention of the wrong sorts, a fallen god will bury us all alive!” 

“Really? We could fight a god?” Ami asked, suddenly interested in the turn of the conversation. 

Bennett rubbed the back of his neck and winced. “Uh, that…that might be too much for us to handle. At least, on our first adventure together.”

“Oh? Would you not be willing to slay a god for me?” Fischel cooed, sidling up to Bennett, who blushed mightily. 

“I mean, we could try, and we’re pretty strong, it’s just…we’re supposed to get Ami home safely to her mom, right? I don’t think fighting a dead god would help with that…”

“The more out of the business of gods we stay, the better. Now come on, I haven’t been to Wanmin Restaurant in ages, and I’m dying for some Black-Back Perch Stew,” Mona said, and headed down the hill. 

They passed plenty of other people heading into and out of the city, along with dozens and dozens of carts and wagons. Some were simple hand carts pulled by farmers or merchants, others were entire wagon trains of heavily laden oxen. 

“You know, when I imagined Teyvat, I always imagined it as more…high tech, I guess,” Ami commented to her friends as they walked.

“Huh? What do you mean?” Bennett asked, frowning at her.

“Well, it’s just, my mom’s body is a robot, and she made my sister, who is also a robot. And there’s all sorts of high-tech stuff in Japan, like giant mecha and things, but the most advanced stuff I’ve seen here are steam engines,” Ami said.

“Oh, that’s just Mondstadt and Liyue’s aesthetic,” Mona said with a shake of her head. “Fontaine has mechanical robots running around everywhere, and Sumeru has plenty of mechanical creatures as well, though most of them are out in the desert ruins. I find the more classical presentation of Mondstadt’s architecture quite charming, but don’t be fooled: there’s very advanced elemental machinery in those windmills, and highly advanced alchemy that keeps homes heated, the sewers cleaned, and the smithy working. Mondstadt certainly has the technology to make steam engines and such if they really wanted, but Monstadters don’t feel they have a need for them to live the way they wish.”

“Speak for yourself. I, for one, would gladly have a fontainian style mecha-maid to serve my every whim!” Fischel said with a grin. 

“What mein Frauline means is that she would very much like to have someone to clean up her room and make her bed for her, as she neglects to do so most days,” Oz put in. 

“O-Oz!” Fischel gasped, going red again. 

“I actually like cleaning. Makes me feel relaxed, and it helps me find things!” Bennett said brightly. 

“Marry me,” Fischel sighed, and Bennett tripped over his own two feet, he was so startled. 

“Will they really get married?” Ami whispered to Mona as Fischel helped Bennett back up and fussed over him. 

“Not for another year, after he gets back from his trip to Natlan. Bennett loses the ring he buys there, though, and Fischel ends up proposing to him with a pair of bottle caps they have made into earrings. It’s both heartwarming and somewhat nauseating how wonderful their love story is,” Mona whispered back. 

“Well, they seem to be a good couple!” Ami said and began to conspire for Bennett and Fischel’s nuptials to happen before she had to go back to Earth Bet. Well, assuming her mother didn’t intend for her to train in Teyvat for 400 years so she could become powerful enough to slay Scion herself. 

“Yes, but unfortunately, Bennett doesn’t do a single thing to curb Amy’s delusions. Unlike you, she isn’t actually some lost princess of a forgotten realm,” Mona said with a roll of her eyes.

“Really? But what about the Immernachtriech on that island you visited three years ago with all the ravens like Oz?” Ami asked.

“I, that, that doesn’t count!” Mona sputtered. “That was just a dream!” 

Ami just shook her head. Clearly, for all her powers of clairvoyance, Mona couldn’t see that Fischel was true nobility. 

As they entered Liyue Harbor, beside the city gates, an impromptu storefront had been set up, along with a huge banner painted with red and black butterflies. It read,

SALE: TWO FOR ONE COFFINS SPECIAL!

There were other signs with the grinning face of a woman with red eyes and a black hat that read:

BUY NOW, GET A FREE FLORAL ARRANGEMENT WITH YOUR FUNERAL LATER!

And 

IT’S NEVER TOO EARLY IN LIFE TO THINK ABOUT YOUR AFTERLIFE! MAKE PLANS FOR YOUR DEATH TODAY!

On display were half a dozen kinds of coffins (complete with what looked like corpses inside of them), a variety of floral arrangements, several kinds of fancy incense burners with sweet-smelling offerings, and showcases of different kinds of memorial displays, and of course, several types of headstones and monuments. 

Out front, an overly cheerful woman whose face matched the posters was waving to passersby and trying to pass out fliers, calling excitedly, “Wangsheng Funeral Parlor is the best in the business! Send your loved ones to the afterlife in style! Come try out extra-comfort coffins, for when you want to really REST in peace!” 

Behind her, sipping tea and looking very serene, was a middle-aged gentleman in a stylish brown suit, who stood beside a life-sized cutout of the funeral lady. Something about him felt…different…to Ami. She wasn’t sure what, though. 

The whole display had to be hideously expensive to put on, but despite the grandeur of the whole thing, absolutely no one was perusing the wares. Indeed, everyone seemed to be going out of their way to cross to the other side of the road as far away from the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor’s shop as possible. 

Except, that is, for the ever-unlucky Bennett, as well as Fischel, who was too wrapped up in flirting with her future husband to even notice where they were going. 

“Why, you two look like a lovely couple!” the funeral girl said, sensing prey and sliding over to put her arms around Fischel and Bennett. 

“D-do we?” Bennett mumbled awkwardly, but Fischel preened. 

“Fufufu, do you think so? Hmm, I say, we must appear to be as a pair of lovers, dear Bennett!” 

“You do indeed! Which is why I have just the thing for you, kind sir and noble madam, to show your eternal love and devotion!” the chipper sales girl said. 

Bennett and Fischel both blushed at that, staring deep into one another’s eyes. Ami held her breath, just knowing they were about to kiss!

Then the magic was broken as the sales girl steered Bennett and Fischel over to her wares. “What you need is the Ultra Dulux Couples Coffin! Until death do us part? Not with the patent-pending King-Sized Ultra Dulux! Spend your afterlife together in a loving embrace!” 

With normal people, Ami was certain that such a pitch would have been an immediate turn off. Her friends, however, were the weird sorts.

“Gee, I dunno, that’s an awful big commitment before our first date,” Bennett said, blushing and scuffing the ground with his boot. 

“Hmm, it’s not bad, but it’s a bit plain,” Fischel said, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. “Do you have something more ostentatious? Perhaps with a raven motif? Oh, and a big fiery thumbs up, like when Bennett uses his Vision!”

The funeral girl blinked in surprise, as this was the point when most people ran away screaming from her sales pitch. Then an enormous grin bloomed on her face, and she bounced about in sheer delight at finally having found two of her people. 

“Why, yes! We can DEFINITELY do a custom order! Hmm, looking at your outfits, I think an entire Overload theme would be in order! Something truly explosive!” 

“Yes!” Fischel gasped in delight, even as Mona groaned and covered her face with her hands. 

“Uh, wouldn’t an exploding coffin be bad?” Bennett asked in a fit of common sense.

“No, no, it should shoot OFF fireworks! At the funeral! We’ll be dying together heroically, of course,” Fischel said, her mind already racing ahead to her own inevitable (and very dramatic) demise.

“Really? I always figured I’d die in some dumb accident,” Bennett mused. 

“No matter when death takes you, never fear!” the sales girl said, taking off her hat and making a sweeping bow. “Wangsheng Funeral Parlor will be there to see to your needs! I’m the Director, Hu Tao! So if you ask Who, just tell ‘em, Tao sent you!” 

“We are not buying a funeral! You both won’t die for decades!” Mona said, stomping over and glaring at Hu Tao and her two friends. 

“And how do you know that? Truly, some fall tragically before their own time,” Hu Tao said, putting her hat over her heart and hanging her head. “And, when they failed to prepare properly, their loved ones are left wandering lost, their spirits restless! But with a properly planned funeral, you can set your loved ones’ minds at ease! So whether you die today, tomorrow, or in ten decades-”

“They both pass away in the year 585 on July 25th, in bed! She dies first at 3:15 in the morning, and he passes away shortly after when he senses her spirit leave in his sleep, at 4:07!” Mona snapped. “That’s not for seventy years!” 

Bennett and Fischel both gasped in shock, while the funeral director cocked her head to one side.

The older gentleman coughed slightly, looking up from his tea at Mona. “That is a rather precise prediction of your friend's passing. Your clothes, and hat…young lady, might I inquire if you are a member of a certain group that gathers for formal tea parties on occasion?”

Mona’s eyes went wide, and she began to hyperventilate, trembling all over. Ami hurried over to steady her friend, who was pulling the brim of her wide hat down about her head as if to hide in it. “No, no, she can’t find me, not now, not here! I, I just need a little longer! Surely She hasn’t found me yet! I never should have read that damn journal!” 

Fischel and Bennett, however, were lost to the world, holding one another’s hands and looking deep into each other’s eyes. 

“I…I spend the next seventy years with you? How…how could I be that lucky?” Bennett asked, his voice raw and ragged. 

“You…you are so devoted to me that…that you…you die as soon as you sense me leaving you?” Fischel gasped. 

“”How could anyone put up with me for that long?”” they said at the same time. 

“What do you mean?!” Fischel sputtered. “You’re funny, and handsome, and hard working, and you like to clean! Who wouldn’t want you as a husband!?”

Bennett shook his head. “But, you’re pretty, and cool, and you have a style like no one else! Why would you want to hang out with boring old me when there are so many more interesting guys?!” 

“You…you don’t care that I…I talk about things that aren’t real, and, um, well, speak in a strange way, and, you know,” Fischel teased her hair and blushed. “Act…act like a little kid stuck in a daydream.”

“Huh? No way, that’s super interesting! I’m just surprised you’d put up with my horrible luck! Just on the way here, it kept raining on us out of nowhere, wells ran dry twice, and our food kept molding!” Bennett said.

“That happens on adventures! Who cares about a little bad luck, we make our own!” Fischel snapped. “But even through all that, you always had a good attitude and kept smiling and trying to cheer us up, even though I notice you didn’t mention that you got stung by bees three times and bitten by a snake in your boot!” 

“I…I just, I never thought someone like me could be so lucky as to meet someone like you,” Bennett admitted.

“Oh just kiss already,” Mona grumbled, right before the two fated lovers locked lips and wrapped their arms about one another. 

“EEEEEEEEE!” Ami squealed in excitement. 

“You’re really messing up Fate, you know that, right?” Mona complained, still leaning on Ami. “They weren’t supposed to kiss for another four weeks! You’re even worse than Lumine. Stupid descender gods.”

“Ah, Director, as these are our honored customers, I believe I should provide them with some refreshments, while you write out a contract for them to purchase the desired wares,” the gentleman said, appearing behind Mona and Ami and making them both jump. “Please, right this way. I’ve got a pot of Cheyun Vale black ready for you to sample and enjoy.”

“Hey, wait a minute, Zhongli, those aren’t our customers, it’s these two!” Hu Tao cried, but Zhongli was very firmly pushing Ami and Mona towards a small covered wagon at the back of the display. 

“Ah, yes, well, I will attempt to close out a sale to them as well, Director,” Zhongli called, Murasaki trailing behind him. 

“But I don’t need a coffin, I’m immortal,” Ami protested as Zhongli ushered her inside and carefully closed the door. 

“She is, I can’t even begin to find the end of her lifeline,” Mona sighed. She took Zhongli’s hand without asking, adding, “In contrast, yours is…is…”

Mona let out a strangled sob, then threw herself down on the wooden floor, prostrate. “PLEASE FORGIVE ME, LORD MORAX! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!” 

Zhongli, or apparently, Lord Morax, sighed and put some sort of arcane-looking elemental seal on the door. “I take it you are the group of travelers a certain vagrant colleague of mine warned me would be visiting Liyue Harbor. Please, rise. I am no longer Lord Morax. I am merely Zhongli, consultant to Wangsheng Funeral Parlor.”

“Uncle Morax!?” Ami squealed in delight and gave a formal bow before jumping forward and wrapping her arms about the old man in a tight hug. 

The old god stiffened for an instant before giving Ami a grandfatherly hug while Mona goggled at them from the floor.

“My mom has told me SO MUCH about you! Well, OK, not that much, she doesn’t say all that much, but she’s told me a few stories about you and then I read all the books that Lord Buer had about the Archons and they said you made an ENTIRE ISLAND RANGE just by throwing spears and that you have an infinite money machine and that you’re one of the Three Martial Paragons and the greatest warrior on all of Teyvat!” 

Zhongli waited for the torrent of words to come to an end, then gave Ami a patient smile, even as she vibrated with excitement. “Ah, you remind me of the young funeral director. So much passion and energy. How interesting that Ei would adopt a young human so unlike herself…and yet, in many ways, so like her sister Makoto.”

Ami’s expression fell slightly. “Yeah. She doesn’t talk about Aunt Makoto very much, but…I can tell she still really misses her twin sister. I’d be…I don’t know…broken? Yeah, I guess broken like mom if my sister Tsukoyomi died. She’s the moon god on Earth Bet!” 

“Moon god? Truly, you must stay and tell me a little of your home,” Zhongli chuckled, taking a seat and gesturing for Ami and Mona to sit at the small wooden table as well. “Please, be seated. Here, let me poor you some tea, Miss Mona. I take it that you are B’s apprentice then? She was ever one to deal in astrology and foretelling.” 

“I…I am Mona Megistus, yes,” Mona said, her teacup rattling in its saucer as her hands trembled rather violently. 

“And this strange lifeform you have brought with you…I have seen its like before, though in another time and place,” Zhongli commented. “Yet, it has been altered. Such alien beings typically do not have their Fates interwoven into the world. Here I sense the hand of the Raiden Shogun, guiding her daughter and the being that bonded to her into eternity.”

“You are correct, Lord Morax,” Murasaki said, bobbing in the air reverently. “I was once-”

“A psychic alien brain worm that was a spawn of the king of demons, sent to devour all mankind and shatter the world itself!” Ami said excitedly. 

“-that, yes,” Muraskai said, accepting a cup of tea from Zhongli. “However, I have found humanity to be utterly fascinating, my mistress Raiden Ami most of all. As such, I have transferred my loyalties not just to her directly, but to mankind in general.”

“He’s my sidekick!” Ami agreed with a wide grin, causing Morax to chuckle slightly. 

“I see you have a great zest for life. And I sense that you do indeed bear your mother’s blade. I must kindly ask you not to unsheath it while in Liyue. Though I am no longer the lord and ruler of this land, I do still feel a certain sense of…obligation, shall we say, to ensure the people’s safety. The baring of the Musou Isshin could very well spark a war between Liyue and Inazuma. I think we would all wish to avoid such an occurrence.”

“It would be a shadow war,” Mona said, dropping her mostly empty cup to the table with a clunk and clutching her head in her hands, eyes wide. “I…I can see it now. A shadow war between the Liyue Ministry of Civil Affairs and the Yashiro Commission. Hundreds dead, thousands of lives ruined, millions of mora sunk to the bottom of the sea! Please, Ami you can’t-”

“I wasn’t going to just slash people for fun, you know,” Ami said, feeling slightly insulted. 

Mona lifted her hands to glare at her young companion. “You used it to annihilate that Geo Vishap day before yesterday!” 

“We were away from the main road! And that was a dragon! You said so!” Ami protested. “A warrior needs her mightiest blade to fell a dragon!” 

“Yes, and anyone who was paying attention from here to Nod-Krai sensed the unveiling of a great power, though I doubt many knew exactly what the source was from so great a distance,” Zhongli said with a slow shake of his head. “Please, be more forbearing in the future, and draw forth your mother’s sword only in time of greatest need.”

“Yes, Uncle Morax,” Ami said, bowing her head and trying not to pout. 

“Now, as to transportation, I have secured you passage upon a trustworthy vessel, which will depart port two days hence,” Zhongli said, pouring Mona some more tea.

“Two days? We can’t leave immediately?” Mona groaned and slumped in her chair, but Ami sat up with a gasp of delight. 

“You mean I get a whole day to sightsee in Liyue Harbor!?”

“Such is the plan. I have conspired to persuade the director to give up this venture. As your friends appear to actually be interested in purchasing her wares, I dare say she will be content to abandon this fruitless sale and play tour guide for you. I have communicated to her that you are my goddaughter, from a dear old friend in Inazuma, who was passing through after visiting distant relations in Mondstadt.”

“Yeah, I’ve met a different version of Lord Barbatos before. He’s fun, but really strange,” Ami wrinkled her nose. “He lives in the back of a van back home, and this version looked like he’d been sleeping in a ditch.”

“The common room of the Angel’s Share, more like. No wonder Jean has been quietly paying Venti’s tab,” Mona muttered. 

Zhongli coughed. “Yes, well, Barbatos was always the most… free-spirited, shall we say, of my peers. He is a treasured friend, but our methods and approaches to life have been rather different. Though of late, I do understand better why he has always chosen to let the people determine their own path, and guide only with an unseen hand from afar.”

“Eh, I don’t know, people are kinda dumb,” Ami commented, which had Mona snort with laughter. 

“Ah, so you believe as your mother does, that mortals require a god's guidance?” Zhongli asked, raising an eyebrow.

Ami shrugged. “I guess, though she mostly let Noriko, the Emperor, and Mushu run things. But without gods, Maou the Golden would just kill everyone. We’re still trying to figure out how we’ll beat him, but when you and the Pyro Archon arrive, I’m sure we’ll be able to win!” 

“I arrive?” Zhongli appeared mildly perturbed by that, frowning and shaking his head. “Please, enlighten me.”

Ami began to lay out a brief history of Earth Bet (Enhanced Edition), while Mona pulled out a notebook and began to furiously scribble down everything she said. Murasaki chimed in from time to time when Ami’s embellishments became a bit too much, or her prose went too far into the ultra-violet spectrum. The gist of things was largely correct, at least from the perspective of the daughter of the Raiden Shogun. 

“A most fascinating tale. Thank you for sharing it with me. I will have to consider all that you have told me. If these alien demons-”

“We prefer the term shard-based lifeforms, Lord Morax,” Murasaki said delicately. 

“-as you say. If such creatures could descend and devour the world…well. Perhaps we are fortunate that Heaven watches over all upon Teyvat. But for now, I think that is enough. Come, you must be hungry after a long journey. I have made reservations for us this afternoon at Xinyue Kiosk.”

Zhongli turned and opened the door, and Ami blinked in surprise. It didn’t look like the sun had moved at all, and Hu Tao was still chattering away excitedly to Bennett and Fischel about funeral packages. 

“Do not worry: not much more than ten breaths have passed outside, nor would they no matter how long we remained in that room,” Zhongli said quietly as he shut the door behind them. “A small adaptation art to give us privacy.”

“Yes, because temporal manipulation is just a small bit of magic,” Mona groaned. 

“Uh, yeah. It’s not that hard. I do it all the time when I need a few more minutes of sleep or forget to do my homework,” Ami said casually, which made Mona’s brain melt just a little. “Just in my own realm, though. Mom says she learned how to do it from someone called Streetward Rambler.”

“Ah, I shall have to take you to meet Streetward Rambler after dinner, though she goes by the name Madam Ping these days,” Zhongli chuckled.

“Ah, there you are, Consultant!” Hu Tao said brightly, turning to the trio. “These fine and upstanding individuals have purchased a full lifetime package! Though we’ll have to find a way to deliver it to Mondstadt. Plenty of time, though! Apparently, Miss Witch here has very accurate predictions.”

“I should never have said anything,” Mona groaned, pinching her nose. She took a deep breath, then opened her eyes and glared at Fischel and Bennett before sticking a finger under their noses. “Now listen here! Just because I FORSEE your death in 70 years doesn’t give you a license to be stupid and reckless, you hear!? You can still get brutally mauled or turned into a vegetable, or if you’re epically idiotic, suffer a fate worse than death that will make you WISH you died young! And don’t you ever even DARE breathe a word that I can foresee other people’s deaths! No one ever likes to hear it!” 

“Actually…I was wondering if you’d do a bit of freelance work?” Hu Tao said with a predatory grin, which made Mona jump back in surprise. “How’d you feel about helping me with a line of pre-filled out headstones? Or early access death certificates!” 

“No! Absolutely not! That’s…that’s horribly morbid!” Mona gasped. “No price would ever get me to-”

“I’ve got a series of original star charts from Sea Gazer and a one-of-a-kind guide to historical constellations and their movements written by Mountain Shaper, as well as a real astrolabe designed by Cloud Retainer,” Hu Tao said, studying her black nails nonchalantly. 

“-so do you have a list of people for whom you want the headstones for? Are we just putting on date of death, or the manner of passing too?” Mona asked breathlessly. 

“Fantastic! I’ll have my Consultant draw up a contract for us right away!” Hu Tao said, pulling the blushing Mona into a side hug and grinning hugely. 

“I am afraid that Madam Mona is currently engaged in other affairs, Director,” Zhongli said, and nodded to Ami. “This is my goddaughter that I told you about, Ami.”

“Muramaru! Muramaru Ami,” she added hastily. It wasn’t even a lie, not really. That was her birth name, though almost no one remembered it.

“Rrrrriiiiiighhhhttt,” Hu Tao said, hooding her gaze and walking slowly around Ami, which made her blush and stand up straight. She glanced at Zhongli, who gave her a grandfatherly smile, and sighed and shook her head, then shrugged. “Well, if that’s your story, then fine! Though I do have to ask, how old are you, exactly?” 

“I’m fourteen!” Ami said proudly, puffing out her meager chest. She was going to get her growth spurt soon, she just knew it! “Uh, I am adopted, though. T-this is actually the first time I’ve met Uncle M-Zhongli.”

A wicked grin spread over Hu Tao’s face. “You don’t say. Uncle M-Zhongli, eh? Gee, I wonder what the M stands for?”

Ami felt herself sweat and glanced over at Zhongli, who just sipped at his ever present cup of tea. “Director, I am afraid I must request the rest of the day off, and tomorrow as well. As this is the only time I am likely to see my god-daughter in the near future, I feel obligated to further her education by showing her about Liyue Harbor.”

“Well, of course! And I’ll come with you!” Hu Tao clapped her hands. “Alright, Lazy Bones! Up and at ‘em!” 

“Ugh, finally,” one of the corpses said, groaning and stretching hugely, which made Fischel scream in panic and jump into Bennett’s arms. “Laying in the coffin all day gets really tiresome, even if they are pretty comfortable.”

“Oh relax, Ferrylady! You can stand up and mind the stand! Mmmmm Zhongli and I are going to show these lovely people about the town! And treat them to lunch at my expense, unless I miss my guess,” Hu Tao said, eyeing Zhongli up and down. 

He coughed. “I was going to request an advance on my pay to cover this afternoon’s expenses…”

“Eh, don’t worry about it, we made BANK today! The Ultra Dulux Couples Coffin has been SOLD!” Hu Tao preened, grinning at Bennett and Fischel.

“Is it really that comfortable?” Ami asked, peering curiously into one of the coffins.

“Try it out yourself!” Hu Tao encouraged, patting the interior of the coffin her employee had just vacated.”That way, when you need one, you’ll know to buy the very best from Wangsheng Funeral Parlor!” 

“Ok!” Ami agreed, and hopped into the coffin, then insisted that she be lowered into the demonstration grave, just to get a feel for it. “After all, it’s not like I’m ever going to die!” 

“Ah, the optimism of youth,” Zhongli said, giving the smug Hu Tao a mild smile as he carefully used some geo constructs to set Ami’s coffin within the grave.

“Uh huh. And when was the last time one of your relatives died? And just how are you related to Ami’s family again? I think you forgot to mention it.”

“Very old friends, who share an interest in historical events. Especially ancient battles and weaponry. Why, I recall, once, we were pursuing an old weapons storehouse, and she was telling me the history of the Inazuma Isshin Art, and how it was created first by the hands of the Raiden Shogun, then refined by mortal hands over the centuries…”

“Wow, and I bet the two of you saw the whole thing!” Hu Tao interrupted. “But, we don’t have time for all that? How’s it feel, Ami?”

“Kinda weird,” Ami said, her voice slightly muffled in the coffin. “But very comfortable. I could totally take a long nap in here!”

“Oh,” Mona said, relaxing slightly. “So that’s what that meant.”

“Huh?” Fischel said, turning to her.

“Just that she really was buried by a forgotten god. That’s the hard part about my Visions. They always come true, but rarely how I expect,” Mona sighed. “Congratulations, by the way.”

“On what, exactly?” Fischel asked, confused. 

“You’re no longer the weirdest person I’ve ever met. I don’t think you’re even in the top three,” Mona bluntly said.

Fischel grunted, then shoved Mona from behind. With a wail, the astrologer toppled into a coffin of her own, which Fischel kicked shut. 

“MWA-AHAHAHA! THE PRINZESSEN DER VERURTEILUNG IS VICTORIOUS ONCE MORE!” she declared, striking a victory pose atop the lid.

“LET ME OUT!” Mona wailed. “LET ME- Oh. This really is comfortable. You know what? Leave me in here for a couple hours. I need a nap.”

“You’ll miss dinner at Xinyue Kiosk, Lady Megistus,” Oz pointed out as Fischel hopped down. 

“Oh, never mind,” Mona sighed, pushing the lid open and sitting up. “I suppose I can rest on the sea voyage. A nice, relaxing cruise to Inazuma. Then this is all over.”

NEXT CHAPTER:

AN UNKNOWN SIBLING?! LIGHTNING PRINCESS AMI DISCOVERS SUMERU’S DARK SECRET!

Author’s Note:

Is it canon? Is it all just Ami’s delusions? Will Fischel and Bennett have a dozen adorable children? The answers to these questions and more, in the next episode! Which will be whenever I feel like it. 

Anyway, next chapter it’s WWIII: Desert Expansion with extra depresso.