The Broad Side of a Barn: Chapter 7

When Kazuma and Darkness arrived back at the mansion, Kazuma was so worn out Darkness had to practically drag him up the steps. They’d walked back in the mud and the rain, and Kazuma was soaked through to the bone. While outdoor sex sounded good, in the end the mud and the cold resulted in Kazuma getting a mild case of hypothermia. 

Fortunately, Darkness knew how to get him warmed up. Kazuma was half delirious when Darkness had him strip and crawl into bed with her, but he still realized what was going on. Nothing further happened that night, but considering they’d already gone all the way, that didn’t mean much. 

For once, Darkness let Kazuma have a lie in the next morning. When he awoke, she was already gone, but it was nearly noon. He blinked a few times, then sat up in her bed, clutching the blanket about himself. Her room was rather girlier than he would have thought upon first meeting her, with lots of lace and pink everywhere, along with an overstuffed couch. There was also an armor rack and a collection of weapons on the wall, but the rack was ornately carved, and the weapons rested on velvet. 

That reminded Kazuma about the Greatsword of Empathy, which was still in his own room, along with his clothes. He opened the door, and hadn’t even taken more than half a step when Megumin’s door swung open and she swaggered out. She froze when she saw Kazuma, clad only in a blanket, and standing in Darkness’ door. Their eyes met, and for some reason, Kazuma felt terribly guilty. His mind raced, and Megumin’s mouth opened. 

Boots sounded on the floor, and Darkness appeared around the corner. “Ah, Kazuma, good, you are up. I went to the apothecary and procured a few potions to head off any lingering effects of the cold. Oh, good morning, Megumin.”

“Darkness!? Was Pervzuma in your room last night?!” Megumin demanded. “Kazuma! What sort of things did you do to-”

“Only what I asked him to do, Megumin. He was in my bed upon my invitation. I would ask you to keep this private, for now. At least until we have had time to inform my father,” Darkness said, only blushing slightly as she did so. 

Megumin’s eyes remained wide, and darted back and forth between Kazuma and Darkness for a moment. Very deliberately, Darkness stepped closer to Kazuma, and handed him a stoppered potion. When she did, he leaned and kissed her on the lips rather deliberately.

“Uh, thanks. After last night, I’m kinda worn out. Thanks for letting me sleep in.” 

“Worn out!? Do you mean, the two of you have-”

“Oh what do you think, Megumin? Yeah, I spent the night in Darkness’ room! You got a problem with that?!” Kazuma demanded, puffing his chest out. 

“Why don’t you get changed, Kazuma, and drink the potion. I will have a conversation with Megumin,” Darkness said firmly. 

Kazuma opened his mouth, then did some calculations. If there was one thing he did not have the energy for right at the moment, it was corralling Megumin and soothing her hurt ego. Obviously, in situations like this, the two female rivals were supposed to fight over the male lead. That said, Kazuma didn’t really want a walking nuclear bomb as a romantic partner, so…

He managed to find the two smartest words a man could say. 

“Yes, dear.”

The potion turned out to have a rather spicy flavor, and cleared his sinuses right up along with giving him a sense of general vigor. Sort of like a cross between a Pseudoephedrine and a Monster Energy drink. He felt a lot better once his clothes were on, and jumped down the stairs, ready to corral his cats. 

To his surprise, he found Megumin and Darkness calmly eating breakfast, with a bowl of porridge with bits of sausage in it waiting for him, still warm. 

Slowly, Kazuma approached the table. Darkness smiled at him, while Megumin just nodded. “So…you’re not fighting?” 

“Why would we be fighting?” Megumin said in perfectly reasonable tones. Something that set off alarm bells for Kazuma. “Surely you don’t think I was in love with you, Kazutrash. I had thought Darkness had better taste, but I should have known that two perverts would be drawn to one another.” 

“I’m afraid our mutual uncontrollable lust resulted in our inevitable fornication,” Darkness said, her tone mild. “Megumin has agreed that it is our own business. And I have agreed to take her on her daily Explosions still. Just because two of her party members are courting doesn’t mean the party will dissolve, or her skills will not be needed.”

“Yes. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to meet with Yunyun,” Megumin said. As she stood, she wrapped a gold mantle about herself. She strode out of the door, and a burst of white doves and angelic music swirled about her. 

Then did the same when she got to the front door. 

Kazuma and Darkness waited a moment to be sure Megumin was really gone, then met one another’s eyes and burst into laughter. 

“It’s so tacky!” Darkness gasped, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye. “Kazuma, how could you? No one is going to have the heart to tell her how hideous that thing is!”

“I’m sorry! Wiz pulled it out, and she latched onto it instantly! I just wanted her not to blow up the tournament, so, well, I let her have it!” 

“I love Wiz dearly, but that woman has the worst products,” Darkness groaned. “Well, at least now it will be easy to keep track of when Megumin is home.”

“Oh, speaking of, I promised you a prize for winning the archery contest,” Kazuma said, and pulled the gift-wrapped greatsword out from under his cloak. 

“Really? And here I thought you gave me your sword last night,” Darkness said, a twinkle in her eyes. 

“Huh?” Kazuma said, then flushed. 

“You know, Excalibur? A mighty blade indeed,” Darkness chuckled. “But thank you, Kazuma. Though I don’t know how much use a sword will be for me now. I fear I must take up the bow again.”

“Open it before you say that,” Kazuma urged. 

Darkness looked uncertain, but laid the sword on the table and opened it as Kazuma slurped up his porridge before it got cold. 

“A most interesting make for a sword,” Darkness said bemusedly, eyeing the heart with a smiley face in it. 

“It’s the Greatsword of Empathy,” Kazuma said around a mouthful of food. 

“Empathy? How is a sword supposed to make one empathetic to one's foes?” 

“Well, this one makes you feel whatever the person you hit with it does,” Kazuma explained. “So, you know, if you hurt them, you hurt yourself just as much.”

Darkness’ eyes went wide, and a manic grin spread over her face as she shot to her feet. “Kazuma! We must spar IMMEDIATELY! Come, outside!” 

Leaving the half-finished bowl of porridge at the table, Kazuma followed Darkness outside, to where she had a small training yard set up by the stable. There were a couple of training dummies and striking posts driven into the ground. Unlike the normal variety, these were not made of wood, but solid adamantoise. Not that Darkness landed many blows on them, despite hours of enthusiastic training, but when she did manage to score a hit, she’d obliterate a wooden dummy even with a training blade. 

She immediately went to it with a will, and though her blows were clumsy and rarely hit, there were a few loud clangs as she managed to get some hits in, even if they were awkward and poorly placed. 

After about five minutes of that, Darkness was panting hard and flushed, sweating in the noonday sun. She pulled off her armor, leaving only her black bodysuit on, tossing it aside. “This weapon is WONDERFUL, Kazuma! I can feel every hit!” 

“It’d feel better if your accuracy wasn’t so dogshit,” Kazuma opined. He stepped forward, drawing Chunchumaru. “Here, like this.”

He was gentle, he didn’t want to shatter his sword on the far harder post, but he tried to show Darkness some proper forms. He wasn’t a Swordmaster, but he had Basic One Handed Swords, and was good enough. 

“Take your own shirt off,” Darkness urged. 

“I’m not that hot,” Kazuma said, frowning at her. 

“I disagree. It would be much improved if you were shirtless,” Darkness told him, blushing. 

He grinned at that, then stripped off his shirt and flexed for you. “What do you think, my lady?” 

“Please, my lord. Instruct me again,” Darkness said, batting her eyelashes at him. 

Kazuma was much more enthusiastic this time. Too much so, actually, as he managed to give the adamantoise pole a good thwack. The vibrations of the blow traveled up his arm and caused him to drop Chunchumaru with a yelp of pain; it felt like he’d nearly broken his wrist! 

“Mmm, yes, like so?” Darkness said, then stepped forward. Kazuma could see her muscles ripple under her thin bodysuit, and he admired their taut lines as Darkness wailed away again, just as artless as ever. 

“Ah~!” Darkness cried after a series of especially good hits. She was panting now, her face flushed and red, and probably not just because of the exercise. Her chest was heaving up and down, which did…interesting…things to her breasts. She turned to Kazuma, a lascivious expression on her face. “Duel me! I need it, Kazuma!” 

“Hmm, and what’s my prize if I win?” Kazuma asked. 

“You can do with my body as you wish!” Darkness declared, holding her blade up high. 

“Hmm, and if I lose?”

“THEN I CAN DO WITH YOUR BODY AS I WISH!” Darkness roared, and leapt at Kazuma. 

He dodged to the side without even thinking about it, then delivered a couple of quick cuts as he passed. He didn’t manage to pierce Darkness’ skin, but he did rip open her bodysuit, causing her pale, creamy skin to become visible. 

“Yes, yes! Give me MORE!” Darkness demanded, and swung at him again. Kazuma played with her for a bit, cutting free her breasts, which made Darkness moan in excitement.

“You’re not wearing a bra,” Kazuma observed, and Darkness blushed furiously. 

“I, uh, w-well…”

“I like it!” Kazuma said, and made a few more passes, Darkness moaning and shuddering as she flailed about with her new sword, now not even trying to hit Kazuma and more just enjoying herself. 

Kazuma decided that was enough, and grabbed the coil of rope he always kept on himself. “Bind!” 

The coils wrapped about Darkness and sent her crashing to the ground, though Kazuma noted they did not preserve her modesty, just binding her arms to her sides. She probably could have snapped the ropes just by flexing, but this was clearly what she wanted. 

“C-cur! You have bested me!” Darkness gasped, rolling around until she was face up and grinning at Kazuma. “W-what will you do to me?”

“Hmm, I did win, and you said I could do whatever I wanted,” Kazuma said, coming over and nudging Darkness’ legs. “Spread ‘em.”

Darkness eagerly complied, and Kazuma pulled down his breeches, then kicked off his boots. He knelt between Darkness' legs even as she rocked her pelvis up, panting eagerly. “W-what will you do to me, you rogue?”

“Hmm.” Kazuma bent over and kissed Darkness mound, even though he was throbbing with desire himself. That potion really had done the trick. Darkness shuddered happily, and Kazuma used his fingers to rub her until she was shaking and gasping.

“P-please! M-more!” 

“If you insist,” Kazuma grunted, and straddled Darkness, then pushed into her. He leaned down, locking his lips with hers, even as she started to buck wildly against him. “Fuck, Darkness, if you do that-”

“Yes, yes, do it!” Darkness begged. 

“If you do that,” Kazuma groaned. “I won’t…fuck!”

He tried to think of unsexy things, even as he did the sexiest thing he could possibly imagine. Kittens. Baby ducks. Aqua. Wait, shit no, that was a bad idea! Uh, flowers, spiders, Vanir in an apron, Darkness in an apron, oh fuck, he-

Darkness gasped and shuddered, gasping, “Kazuma! Kazuma!” 

That was too much. Kazuma couldn’t hold back, and he spent himself right inside Darkness. Wait, was that a bad idea!? Fuck, what if he got her pregnant?! He hadn’t even met her dad yet!

There was a loud snap, and Darkness wrapped her arms about Kazuma, proving that the ropes had never really held her, along with her legs, trapping her against him. He kissed her back, even as he felt himself shrinking. He tried to buck a little, but the potion’s energy was running out, and he was feeling drained. 

“That was…” Darkness gasped, a huge grin on her face. 

“...shit. Sorry. That was bad,” Kazuma said, feeling about three inches tall. He’d barely lasted two minutes again. If that. 

Perplexion screwed up Darkness' face, and she lay back suddenly, pushing Kazuma off her. “Bad? Was…oh goddess, it was my muscles, wasn’t it?”

“What? Fuck, no, you were amazing, I just…fuck. I’m a one pump chump…”

Darkness was covering herself with her hands as Kazuma scrambled back, grabbing his pants in shame. “You…you did not find me…?”

“No, you were great, I just…shit. I’m a damn loser,” Kazuma mumbled, trying to pull up his pants. 

Cocking her head to one side, Darkness studied Kazuma in perplexity. “Loser? Kazuma, what do you mean?”

“Did I even get you off? I’m just a damn virgin NEET who can’t even please a woman,” Kazuma cried, feeling hot tears in his eyes. How could he have ever thought he was good enough for Darkness?

“I do not understand, Kazuma, what are you-”

“KAZUMA! DARKNESS! ARE YOU DECENT? ME AND AQUA ARE COMING!” Chris’ voice shouted. 

“WHY ARE WE YELLING, CHRIS? I THOUGHT YOU SAID KAZUMA WAS SICK. SHOULDN’T WE LET HIM SLEEP?”

“WE SHOULD BUT SOMEBODY IS PROBABLY KEEPING HIM UP AND I WANTED TO GIVE HER FAIR WARNING!” 

“OH, RIGHT! WELL, IF YOU’RE DOING HANKY PANKY, DON’T BE ASHAMED! IT’S PERFECTLY NATURAL! ALL LOVE IS GOOD IN THE SIGHT OF AQUA!”

“ERIS IS COOL WITH IT TOO AS LONG AS YOU SIGN THAT BETROTHAL CONTRACT! BECAUSE IF YOU TRY TO LEAVE MY BEST FRIEND, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN, KAZUMA!”

Now both of them were scrambling for their clothes, red-faced and blushing. They managed to both get dressed, Darkness in her shredded bodysuit with her armor over it and Kazuma with his shirt inside out, and scramble to the back door and into the kitchen, barely getting seated before Chris and Aqua strolled in. 

“Oh, I guess you weren’t naked after all,” Aqua said, sounding completely blasé about the entire thing.

Chris, on the other hand, smirked and eyed Kazuma’s inside-out shirt. “Sure they weren’t. You two have fun?” 

Darkness sputtered into her glass of milk. “We, um, we-”

“Yeah, what of it?” Kazuma said, leaning back in the chair and trying to sound more confident and relaxed than he felt. There was no way he was letting Aqua know he was having performance issues. 

Chris giggled and pumped her fist, then gave Darkness a thumbs up, while Aqua seemed confused at first, then grinned at Kazuma. “I knew you wouldn’t be a hikiNEET forever!” 

Kazuma and Darkness sheepishly smiled and shifted awkwardly, and Chris and Aqua joined them at the table. 

“OK, nice and all that, but we got problems,” Chris said, stabbing the table with a finger. “This is the last day of the tournament, and we haven’t even robbed anybody yet!” 

“Chris,” Darkness groaned, rubbing her forehead. “I told you I did not approve of that plan…”

“Yeah, but like, we did some investigating!” Aqua said excitedly. “And, using my amazing powers, I discovered something important!” 

“What, that Alderp has a large wine cellar?” Kazuma said acidly, only for Aqua to nod eagerly. 

“Yeah! And it’s like, SUPER stinky. The stinkiest!” 

“Perhaps he keeps a variety of cheeses with the wine,” Darkness said, sounding exasperated with the conversation already. 

“Nuh-uh, it’s not that kind of stinky,” Aqua said, making an X with her arms and shaking her head. 

“And before you ask, it’s not a busted sewer main either,” Chris said, leaning on the table and lowering her voice. “Look, Aqua’s always had a pretty great nose. And if she says it stinks…it’s probably of sulphur.”

Kazuma rolled his eyes. “What, is he making gunpowder?” 

“”ABSOLUTELY NOT!”” Aqua and Chris shouted at the same time, jumping to their feet and craning their heads over the table in a manner that made Darkness and Kazuma lean back in surprise. 

“Do you have ANY idea how immersion-breaking gunpowder weapons are?!” Chris demanded, her nostrils flaring. 

“This is a FANTASY WORLD. Guns are stupid and boring, and the gods banned them!” Aqua added hotly. 

“Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to have decent melee builds in a world with guns?! You think it’s hard to balance with magic, but you throw in gunpowder weapons!? Forget it! They’re always broken, and those builds are lame! My luck-based thief build is WAY more interesting!” 

“Plus, they’re ugly! Bows and swords and stuff can be pretty and fun, but guns are lame!” 

“And that’s why we’re using the same physics engine as the Emberverse,” Chris huffed. 

“The what? I thought Eris and I stole it from-”

“Licensed, Aqua. Licensed! Without permission.” 

“Whatever. Anyway, the point is, guns are banned, so he’s totally not making them.”

Kazuma looked at Chris, tilting his head to one side. “You…know a lot about this. Also, what’s an Emberverse?” 

“Not important,” Chris said dismissively. “What is important is that Aqua smelled demons at Alderp’s mansion.” 

Slowly, Darkness turned in her seat to face Kazuma. “Oh really. Do tell.”

“What? What?!” Kazuma said, as Darkness’ expression had gone completely flat, which he got the impression was rather bad for his health. 

“So, Alderp is hobnobbing with demons, is he?” Darkness said, turning back to Aqua and Chris. “That is a serious accusation. One I hope comes with proof. Because such a claim could lead to the utter dissolution of Alderp’s house, and his execution. A false accusation, however, would be equally disastrous for the accuser.”

“And that’s why we need to rob his mansion!” Chris said eagerly. “We sneak in tonight, find proof, then you have Iris roll up and execute his ass!”

“No,” Darkness said flatly. 

“Good question! So, the plan is, Kazuma and I- wait. What do you mean, no!?” 

“What I said. Alderp may only be a baron, but he is wealthy, powerful, and already has my house in his debt. Under no circumstances will you risk what little gains Kazuma and I have made on some whimsy that he is hobnobbing with demons. Especially since I do believe I know the ultimate sources of this.”

Oh. Oh shit. Kazuma was in trouble. 

“Wait, you do!? So, then, why aren’t we-”

“Come, Kazuma. I believe you have something to show me.”

“Darkness!” Chris protested. “This is serious! We need to-”

“Kazuma and I will be conducting our own investigation, Chris.  You are, under no circumstances, to go anywhere near Alderp until I give you leave. Do you understand me?”

“No, Darkness, come on! I have-”

Darkness loomed over Chris, her expression stormy. Chris actually shrank down in her chair, and Aqua leaned away from her, looking nervous. “Do. You. Understand. Me.”

““Yes ma’am!”” the two miscreants chorused. 

Darkness gave a curt nod, then turned and stomped off. “Fix your shirt, Kazuma. I will get changed, and then we are visiting a certain cafe.”

“Oh, well, have fun on your date I guess,” Aqua said. “Come on, Chris! Let’s go find some bubbly to celebrate!” 

Kazuma hastily changed into a neater set of clothing, then met Darkness down in the foyer. To his discomfort, she was still wearing her armor, though she’d put on a fresh bodysuit and a bra, and was carrying a bow and quiver. Not her massive steel bow, but rather the yew longbow she’d gotten the day before. 

“Lead the way,” Darkness ordered. “We will have to cleanse this nest of demons. I would bring Aqua, but I will give you a chance to explain before I involve her, lest this turn into another Wiz situation.”

That gave Kazuma a sense of relief. “It’s like that! Not at all what you’re thinking, honest!” 

“I am thinking of a demonic bordello.”

“Uh, wouldn’t that just turn you on?”

Darkness hesitated, then shook her head. “My own personal desires must be secondary to my duty. Demons are always a serious threat to the kingdom, and that must come first.”

“I’m pretty sure the girls at the cafe are only a threat to clean underwear.”

“I…what? Nevermind. Come.” 

Kazuma led Darkness into town, then to the Succubus Shop, which was in the same part of town as Wiz’s shop. They were usually closed at this time of day, it was just after noon, but he knocked regardless. 

To his surprise, the door opened nearly immediately, and Lolisa’s face appeared. “Oh, hello, Kazuma! We’re closed, but if you need a favor, I could-EEP!” 

Darkness’ hand reached through and grabbed Lolisa by the neck, then flung the door open with a bang. 

“D-Darkness!? W-what are you doing?!” Lolisa gasped, tears filling her eyes. 

“Demon. I have come to vanquish you,” Darkness growled. 

“B-but it’s me!” Lolisa said, her feet flailing in the air as her fingers scrabbled at Darkness’ arm. “Y-you know me!”

“I do not treat with demons, cur! I-”

“Darkness! Set her down! Seriously, this is Lolisa! You do know her!” Kazuma pleaded. 

Darkness glanced at him, then sighed and slowly lowered Lolisa. “Do not flee. I assure you, my marksmanship is inerrant.”

Lolisa nodded desperately, but as soon as Darkness let go, she transformed from her scantily clad succubus form, to that of Lolisa the Town girl, in a green dress and a white apron. “See?! It’s me, your friend, Darkness! W-why did you come and attack me?!”

“Because I have learned you are a demon. The same that seduced Kazuma and infiltrated our manor,” Darkness growled, leaning over Lolisa, who let out an ‘eep’ and fell over on her rear. “And I have come to-”

Lolisa blinked, sniffed, then gasped and sprang up, giving Darkness a hug, which made her freeze. “Oh my gosh, congratulations! You two finally did it! I’m so happy for you!” 

That made Kazuma grow bright red as well, and Darkness grabbed Lolisa, pulling her away and trying to frown, though Lolisa was just beaming at her happily now. “I-if you are attempting to b-blackmail me, it will not work! I-I have not made an announcement yet, b-but I will inform my father, and then-”

“What!? Blackmail you! Are you kidding?! I’ve been trying to help Kazuma man up and ask you out for almost a year!” Lolisa grinned happily and nodded to Kazuma, despite Darkness’ iron grip on her. “Did they help, Kazuma!? I’m not the best at roleplaying, but I did try to help you work up the courage!” 

“Kazuma, what is she talking about?” Darkness asked, her eyes narrowing at him.

“Uh, well…wait, is this why no matter what I wrote down on my requests, my dream girls always ended up as Darkness, even when I specifically requested Hatsune Miku or Asuka Langley Soryu?!”

“Yep! Plus, I tried to encourage Darkness to be a little freer with her sexuality! Did you ever use the, um, magic wand I gave you?”

Darkness went very, very red, and let go of Lolisa hastily. “I, um, that is…it w-was not a proper item! A-and, um, besides…I-I um…I couldn’t figure out…how to use it…”

“Wait, really? Huh. Well, you could have just asked me, I’d have given you a demonstration,” Lolisa said with a shrug. 

“Wait, you gave Darkness a vibrator?!” Kazuma demanded. 

“Um, I guess so? But you two should use it! Toys are fun!” Lolisa said brightly. 

“T-that is not,” Darkness shook her head. “That is not why we are here! Now, I demand you tell me, what are you doing for Alderp?!” 

Lolisa blinked guilelessly, tilting her head to one side. “The baron? Uh, Becky told us to stay as far away from him as possible. The last thing we need is a high noble finding out about us.”

“Lolisa! Ix-nay onway e-thay oble-nay!” Kazuma hissed. 

“Huh?” She blinked, then glanced at Darkness, who had gone serious again. She wilted down. “Oh. Um…you’re a noble, huh? B-but, we’re friends! A-and I was just trying to help!” 

“I do not see how a demon could help. Succubi prey on men, draining their vitality! You must be why so many of the women in town can’t find boyfriends!” Darkness said.

Lolisa rolled her eyes at that. “Oh please. I’ve set up at least five couples. You know Rae and Damien?”

“Uh, yes, they were engaged…you cannot claim responsibility for that!” Darkness protested. 

Lolisa smirked. “Guess who gave Damien dreams of Rae for the past three months, until he manned up and asked her out? Me! Fiora and Marcus too!”

“What proof do you have? Everyone knows that Succubi are the enemy of men, and drain dry those they bed!” Darkness huffed. 

“Uh, I’ve been giving Kazuma dreams for a year now, all of you mind, and how dry does he seem? Sheesh, we won’t even give the same guy a dream more than once a week because it could interfere with their health! We’re very careful about that!” 

“Um, well, p-perhaps he does not seem, um, dry, but-”

“Hey! Maybe YOU’RE the one who turned me into a one pump chump!” Kazuma snapped, pointing a finger at Lolisa. 

“What?! No I’m not! Why would you even think that!” Lolisa protested. 

“I always last way longer in my dreams with you, and can go at least three rounds! But I wilted after a minute with Darkness, twice now!” Kazuma hissed. “It’s your fault I can’t satisfy my girl!” 

“Kazuma?! Whatever gave you that idea?” Darkness said, frowning at him. “I have found all my times with you satisfactory.”

“Yeah?! Well you keep asking for more, but I can’t give it!” Kazuma snapped. “Just my luck, I do end up with a giant blonde sex kitten, and I can’t even-”

“Lolisa, why on earth are these two mortals screaming in the middle of my nap?” the head succubus, who Kazuma vaguely remembered was named Becky or something, yawned, coming out from the back room. She was wearing some loose clothing that looked a lot more comfortable than her normal getup, basically a long nightgown that left her wings and tail open. 

“Um, um, t-they, um, they were coming to me, to er…t-tell me they started dating! B-because, um, they’re  buddies, but, uh…I-I um…I was going to give them, some, er, bedroom advice!” Lolisa said, waving her arms frantically and trying to block off Kazuma and Darkness from her boss. 

“Well do it elsewhere. The rest of the coven is trying to get some sleep,” Becky yawned. She eyed Kazuma. “Pity. He was such a good customer. Oh well. You’ll have to find a replacement, he was one of your regulars.”

“Heh heh, um, yeah, b-but it’s fine!” Lolisa said, rubbing the back of her head awkwardly. 

“Honestly, Lolisa. If you keep getting the kine to hook up, you’re never going to get a proper stream of vitality growing and mature. You’ll remain a thin little thing for centuries, or starve yourself to death,” Becky yawned, then sashayed back into her room. 

Lolisa grabbed Kazuma and Darkness and shoved them out the door as quickly as she could, then shut it behind her. “Um, s-sorry. The, um, the others…w-well…they don’t um, share my views…”

“You mean…you actually are trying to hook up your clients?” Darkness asked, sounding baffled. “But…why?” 

“Well, um, you see…” Lolisa tapped the tips of her fingers together. “I sort of…well…I sort of…like to see people fall in love…it makes them happier, and um…I, well…I sort of dream about having a real family myself…but I’m just a demon…soooooo…I guess I kinda live vicariously through you?”

Darkness blinked at Lolisa, then turned to Kazuma. “I apologize, Kazuma. This is clearly a Wiz situation.”

“Yeah, well, I’m still blaming you for my bedroom problems,” Kazuma grumbled.

“If you’re having bedroom problems, I can help!” Lolisa said, perking up immediately. “Is there somewhere private we can talk?”

Darkness coughed. “Um, my mansion is not far, but-”

“Great! Come on, I just know I can help you improve your sex life! I’ve got a lot of experience, so I know what to look for and how to help you both be more satisfied and please your partner in turn!” 

Kazuma and Darkness glanced at one another, then at the beaming sex demon in disguise. “Um, Kazuma…I do not find you inadequate, but, um…I-I would like to hear what she has to say…”

“If you can help me last longer, I’m all for it,” Kazuma said bluntly. “I need to feel like a man in the bedroom.”

“Then you’ve come to the right succubus! Lead the way!” Lolisa said, linking Kazuma and Darkness’ arms, then skipping along ahead of them and humming happily to herself. 

Kazuma and Darkness walked awkwardly for a few paces, then Darkness leaned in. “Kazuma…are you certain she’s not secretly evil?”

“I mean she did keep giving me dreams of you, that’s legit. And if there is a demon in Alderp’s mansion…she’d be a good person to ask about it. She is an actual succubus.” 

“She really doesn’t seem like it…I’ve never heard of a demoness playing matchmaker.”

“Have you ever heard of a lich with the business acumen of a rock, or a boozehound goddess?” 

“I…well. A fair point. I will see where this goes.”

It didn’t take long for them to reach Darkness’ private manor, which was locked up and empty. Darkness let them in a side gate with a key, then led them inside. “Where, ah, where shall we talk?”

“Hmm, this couch should be fine. Now, just the two of you sit over there, and let me change real quick,” Lolisa said. Kazuma expected her to go back to her succubus form, and she sort of did. But instead of lingerie, she was wearing a formal business coat and skirt with pantyhose. Admittedly, the skirt was very, very short, and the coat cut rather lavishly, but she looked like a therapist from Japan, especially with the glasses she conjured up and put on. She even took out a clipboard with papers on it and produced a ballpoint pen! 

“Alright, let’s start with what has worked for you? What do you like about what your partner does in the bedroom? Why don’t you begin, Darkness.”

“Um, c-call me, ah, Tina.”

“Oh! Very well, Tina. What does Kazuma do that drives you crazy?” 

“W-well, um…” Darkness fidgeted, blushing and glancing at Kazuma. “Um, h-he…well…when he steals my clothing, especially my undergarments…it, um, rather excites me… especially in public…”

“Ooo, bit of an exhibitionist kink? Very sexy!” Lolisa gave Kazuma a thumbs up, which made him blush as well. “And what does Darkness do that you love, Kazuma?”

“She, um, well…she’s so eager…it’s so hot how she begs for me and grinds against me…I guess I sort of imagined sex being like using a fleshlight, but she’s so active, I uh…I can’t control myself…”

“An eager partner who’s vocal about their needs is a major turn-on! Way to go, you two!” 

Kazuma and Darkness both blushed again, and Lolisa pressed, “Ok, what else? What really does it for you?”

“How he uses ropes on me…”

“When she lets me play with her boobs…”

“He always takes control…”

“She shows off her muscles…”

“Wait, you like my muscles? But…they’re so ugly!” Darkness said, blushing again. 

“How could you say that!? A muscular woman is so sexy, and you have the sexiest body because you’re so toned!” Kazuam protested. 

“Hold on, Kazuma,” Lolisa said, holding up a hand. When he quieted, she gestured to Darkness. “Please, tell us more. Remember, there’s no judgement here, and an open and honest relationship is important to long term health in the bedroom.”

“I…I feel like I am not a proper woman,” Darkness admitted. “I am too tall, and too muscular to be truly feminine. I look at other women, like Aqua or Megumin, and they are far more properly built. They are slender, with no overly defined muscles, and they are shorter than you. B-but I am so much taller than you, a-and, well…I have a manly body.”

“I see. Kazuma? Why don’t you tell Tina how you really feel about her body,” Lolisa encouraged. 

“You call THIS manly?!” Kazuma said, rapping on Darkness’ chest. “You’ve got HUGE boobs! And you’re not some beefcake! Yeah, you’re toned, but you still DEFINITELY look like a woman. You’d have to be blind and stupid to think you were a man, Darkness! You ooze feminine charm! I told you before that you have an overly sexy body, and I stand by that! Especially with the muscles!” 

“I…thank you, Kazuma,” Darkness said, tears in her eyes. “I…I needed to hear that.”

“You’ll probably need to keep hearing that. Kazuma, you’re going to have to keep telling Tina you love her body, no matter what changes happen to it. I’ve seen so many women who worry that their lovers won’t love them when they have children, or age and get all saggy, but often their lovers are just driven crazy by it! A lot of women have body issues, so be expressive! Tell her that you find her sexy, a lot!”

“Uh, OK. I figured it was just, you know, obvious. I already said it, so why repeat it?”

“Do you have any idea how badly I want you right now, Kazuma? Hearing you say that…p-perhaps we should dismiss Lolisa, and, ah…h-have a round two,” Darkness said, licking her lips.

Kazuma looked down at himself, but he only had a half-chub. He grimaced. “See, that’s the problem…I don’t know that I can.”

“Oh, well, if you are not feeling well, that is alright,” Darkness said with a sympathetic nod. 

“No it’s not! A man is supposed to always be eager! He’s supposed to cajole the girl into sex, not have her beg him and tell her no!” Kazuma said, pulling his hair in frustration and anger. 

“Ah.” Lolisa nodded sagely. “I see. A mismatch of libido.”

“No, it’s not! I’m horny, I’m a real man! I just…” Kazuma sagged. “I couldn’t keep up with her…last night…or this morning.”

“You had a long day and were tired,” Darkness said reassuringly. “And you still performed admirably. You do not have my stamina score.”

“But I should! A real man could! What if you ditch me for someone who can keep up with you?” Kazuma said, feeling ashamed when his own tears came. 

“Kazuma…I want you to listen to me,” Lolisa said gently, and both turned to look at her. “You’re only human. You had sex after a long day of labor and excitement. Congrats by the way, I saw the archery tournament! But, well, after that, you still performed, and it sounds like you pleased your partner!”

Darkness nodded emphatically, and Kazuma couldn’t help but blush and feel a little pinprick of pride. 

“And, on your first time too! Then, you were probably a bit sick from a night in the cold and wet. I can see you’ve got the sniffles now,” Lolisa said.

Kazuma nodded reluctantly. “Yeah, it’s not too bad, but I’m kinda worn out…”

“Well, don’t expect to be in tip-top shape all the time. Plus, you’re inexperienced. No, the dreams with me don’t really count. That’s…more like jerking off. Which is good and healthy! But, it doesn’t teach you about real sex. And sex, just like everything else, is something you can get better at. So keep practicing! Sometimes, it’ll be messy and unsatisfying for one or both of you. That happens! It should still be fun, but if it’s not, talk with one another about what happened and why it didn’t work, or what did! Communication is key! You’re not a virgin NEET anymore, Kazuma, you’re in a real relationship with a real woman. Which means…it’s gonna be hard. Harder than a dream with me, or a jerk off session with some reading material.”

“And Tina? Same goes for you. Kazuma isn’t your fantasies. He can help you realize them, but he’s going to have some boundaries. Work together to figure out what those are for both of you. That way, you’ll both have more fun. Ok?”

“I…yes. That is…that sounds like very good advice, Lolisa. Thank you,” Darkness said, blushing mightily. 

“Now, Kazuma, what moves have you tried in the bedroom to help Darkness?” Lolisa asked. 

“Uh, what do you mean?” Kazuma said, looking a bit baffled. 

“You know, like oral or digital stimulation?” Lolisa prompted. 

“Wait, do you have video games?!” Kazuma asked eagerly. 

“He does kiss me,” Darkness said. “Though I’m not sure what this ‘digital’ is.” 

Lolisa sighed and rubbed her chin. “This would be easier if I could just show you…”

“Lolisa, while your advice has been…insightful…I do not wish to see Kazuma consort with a demoness. That…that is not the sort of shame I enjoy,” Darkness said, looking embarrassed. 

“No, no, not on me, unless…oh, I know! I could have you two share a dream, and model it for you!” Lolisa offered. 

“So like…a VR porn training session?” Kazuma said, feeling excited at the prospect. “Sold!” 

“Kazuma…I am uncertain I wish to have this demon…” Darkness swallowed and trailed off. 

The succubus looked hurt, but she made a visible effort to brush it off. “Don’t think of me as a demon, think of me as Lolisa, your friend!” 

“She’s basically being our relationship counselor and therapist. I’ve had dreams with her before, it’s…well, uh, it’s a lot of fun. Doing it with you might be even more fun if you’re more than just an illusion,” Kazuma said, taking Darkness’ hand.

“I don’t know how we got here when all we needed was information on what’s in Alderp’s manor…but very well. We can try it. But if you do anything to harm Kazuma,” Darkness said, a warning note in her tone. 

“I only hurt a human once,” Lolisa said, looking down and blushing. “M-my first master. Right after he summoned me. I…I was really hungry, and he just…well he was a very lonely man. He summoned me and demanded to, um, have intercourse with me…and I did it. I almost killed him…he was just a kid, really, only 20. I…I spent the next 40 years taking care of him. He couldn’t walk after that. I almost starved to death doing it, but…but he really loved me…I’ve…I’ve always wanted that, again. B-but I can’t actually be with mortal men, so…so.” 

Lolisa sniffled, then made an obvious effort to grin and cheer up. “Instead, I try and help mortals find love themselves! Like you two!” 

“I…” Darkness blinked, and Kazuma thought he saw her wipe away a tear. “That is…a rather shocking story from a succubus.”

“I know…I’m really terrible at my job. Becky’s always chewing me out,” Lolisa admitted, wilting again. “And I mean…I get it if you don’t want me to touch you…I’m just a demon, after all.”

“No, it’s fine. We will, ah, share a dream with you,” Darkness said. “How does this work, exactly?”

“Great! Both of you, lay down on the couch together. Um, I think it will work best if you’re embracing. You don’t have to get naked if you don’t want to, but get comfortable,” Lolisa urged. 

That resulted in both Kazuma and Darkness striping down to their undergarments, blushing and glancing at Lolisa the whole time. She cocked her head to one side, frowning. “Would it help if I was naked, too?”

“Yes!” Kazuma said immediately, which earned him a glare from Darkness. 

“I would prefer you remain professional, Lolisa.”

“Oh, right no problem,” Lolisa said hastily. “OK, now, lay down together…”

Kazuma lay with his back to the couch, arms wrapped around Darkness with her facing him. This was actually kinda hot, and despite his exhaustion, he could feel himself rising to the occasion.

“Um, hi,” He managed. 

“Hello,” Darkness said, a flush rising on her own face. “Very well, Lolisa, now what?” 

“Sleep.”

Kazuma was out like a light, though Darkness remained awake. She sighed, and glanced at Lolisa. “My magic resistance is quite high…”

“Oh, right, Dustiness. That’s OK, here, try this,” Lolisa produced a small green potion the color of fresh grass. “Drink this.”

“I am immune to most poisons,” Darkness pointed out, sucking the potion down. 

“It’s just a sleep aid, we use it for especially high-resistance customers. “It’s all natural, no real magic in it.”

“Hmm,” Darkness said, and hugged Kazuma close, even as he started to drool. “He is…quite handsome, actually. When he is not leering at you.”

“I do like him, but, um, I’m attracted to especially lavacious and perverted men, so…” She winced. “Um, it’s him and Dust I like the most…even if I am trying to set Dust up with Rin.”

Darkness nodded, cuddling Kazuma closer. She was a bit weary herself. Despite her legendary stamina, even she couldn’t take days of intense physical exercise and a near sleepless night, wake up early, and feel no exhaustion. “You…you seem terribly kind, for a demoness.”

“Thank you,” Lolisa said, and sniffled again. “Would…would it help if I sang you a lullaby?”

“Succubi know…lullabies?” Darkness yawned. Whatever had been in that potion did seem to be working. 

“I learned it to help my master sleep. He…he had trouble sleeping as he got older.”

“Mmm. Go ahead. It can’t hurt.”

Lolisa began to sing. She had a sweet, clear voice, gentle and soothing. Rather hypnotic, actually, which was probably the point. Still, the lullaby was one Darkness recognized, and had sung to Iris herself a few times to help her fall asleep when she was young. 

Hush now, my hero, the field’s full of green,

Where herrings are hopping and cannot be seen.

The cabbages soar through the air with delight,

So tuck in your sword and sleep through the night.

At last, Darkness' eyes fell shut, and her breathing slowed. Lolisa crept forward and checked that both were sleeping. Her stomach rumbled, and she grimaced, looking down at Kazuma’s erection. “A little wouldn’t hurt, right?”

She slapped herself. “No, no! They’re friends, not food! Now, to help them with their dream…” 

Weaving a complex spell, Lolisa touched first Kazuma’s forehead with her right index finger, then Darkness’ with her left, then placed both fingers on her temple. She struggled for a moment to join the two mental landscapes, then sighed, slumping on the floor next to the couch and resting her head on Darkness’ back. Soon, she was snoring as well, joining the two lovers in a shared dream.