12.26.23 [Internet] Connection

I realized today that when I find myself mindlessly scrolling, jumping from app to app to see if anyone messaged me, I’m looking for connection. It’s not JUST a distraction from tasks. I use social media when I’m feeling lonely and/or rejected. It’s a distraction from loneliness.

This piece of information is a powerful tool for me.

Ironically, I find myself binging on social media- distracting myself from loneliness- after being in large group settings. 

I’ve never felt like I belong anywhere. Being in a setting with other people just sort of… reminds me, I guess. It’s so uncomfortable almost always. I feel constantly in a state of embarrassment, like everyone’s judging me. I believe this is what they call ~social anxiety.~

Since becoming more aware of autism, it affects me less. I usually need a day or two to decompress. I cry, replay every moment over and over in my head and beat myself up, assuming everyone is talking badly about me when I’m gone. I hole up for a while, tell myself I’m just gonna stay to myself. And then I get over it LMAO.

I do have people in my life who I know love me, who are happy to be around me, who are kind and generous with me. I no longer get into a spiral-state of fear and isolation.

Sometimes, I think you don’t really understand the extent of your trauma until you’re through it. I’m also looking at what it is to “heal” differently. I used to have these little lightbulb “Ah ha! I am healed!” moments where I genuinely thought I was done healing. Then, when I would get hit with a trigger, the backslide would feel so much more intense because I wasn’t expecting it. Like… uhhh, didn’t I already heal from this?

I don’t feel that way anymore. I recognize healing now as non-linear. Of course you can put things behind you, of course things will feel less impactful as time passes. That’s not to say you won’t have difficult days, or weeks. It’s okay to still feel hurt by the past. It’s okay if it hurts. You’re allowed to hurt. You’re allowed to heal.

[As I was typing “you’re allowed to hurt,” google recommended the sentence “you’re allowed to heal.” I like that :) you’re allowed to heal.]

I think the biggest thing for me is just longing for that one place I belong… a place to really call home.

I remember years ago a single friend my age said she wanted a baby so she had “purpose.” She said she was depressed and lost because she didn’t have “purpose.” That a man and a family would give her “purpose.”

I had no idea what she was talking about, it made no sense to me. Where I’m at in life now, looking back at where I was in life then, I think I get it. At the time, I was just focused on my career. I was having explosive success, I was being given so many opportunities, traveling the world, meeting new people constantly, experiencing everything I ever wanted to experience. 

Life has slowed down a bit. It’s changed a lot. Now, as I’m sitting in my house in PA, off work for almost a year… I get it. Small towns are different. Everyone in my family, more or less, are coupled up. Everyone has their own thing, their own partner, their own family to go home to. Everyone has a reason they’re working hard. 

Everyone has someone to share with.

I’m actually really grateful to God for His timing in this. I always prayed to be used for His kingdom. My focus was always philanthropy, for giving back with my time and money. If I had my own family right now, my own kids, I think I’d be a lot less inclined to give back to those in need.

I’m fairly certain that if I had children right now, every spare dollar would be going to them. High interest savings accounts, bonds, trusts… stuff like that. Even if it wasn’t a very conscious decision, I would feel more focused on spoiling my own kids than helping those with nothing.

I know all the reasons I’m in the position I’m in. Wilderness season. God isolates you when He wants you all to Himself. All this time, God has been asking me, “Is Jesus enough for you? Is He REALLY enough for you?”

Your mind, your mouth can say yes. But then God says, “Show me.” Does your heart say yes?

Cut to me up at night, crying to God, asking Him why He wants me to be alone. Cut to Him replying, “I thought you said Jesus was enough?”

I can genuinely say that I’m in a place where God really is enough for me. I’ve even really come to a place of peace with the idea that I could be alone forever. Because, truthfully, I wouldn’t be shocked if God straight up said to me, “You don’t realize this is how you actually like to be?”

I don’t know if that’s me or the fear talking.

I don’t know if it’s that I’m happy alone, or I’ve just become very self-sufficient.

Preference, or survival skills. 

I know it will only become more clear with time. I’m really, really excited about this year. It feels hopeful! I have a lot of big plans for this year! Leap year! 2024 baby!

I’m gonna take this last week of 2023 to really set myself up for success. Get organized, get cleaned up mentally and physically. Really dig my heels in on my fitness and diet. It’s time to really crack down on filming, editing, and executing the plan. 

I just got little butterflies in my tummy! It’s gonna be so surreal when it’s here. I can’t believe it’s been almost a year. I did it! I REALLY DID IT.

I have faith that I can come back and keep myself in a good headspace. Balance. Health. 

Contentment. 

Contentment. 

Contentment.

Contentment.

Peace <33