6.26.23 It’s Getting Old

A theme in my life, but especially in business, and especially in entertainment: Days, weeks, months, YEARS of disrespect. When I finally respond with force-

You know how it goes.

I just emailed these people I’m locked into a contract with for the fourth time. Ignored the first three. Just no response, at all. For months. Finally, I say-

“If you don’t see this email, I’ll reach out on social media. That seems to be the only way I can get a response.”

The VERY QUICK response I get-

“Nice threat 🤣”

First of all, is it a threat? I can’t get their attention in email as a professional, and I only got a response when I tweeted at them in the past. So, is it a threat? Or am I telling them based on experience what I will do next to get a response? This is a learned behavior.

Second of all, if it is a threat… why am I only able to get a response when they perceive a threat? Am I the problem? The one who was backed into a corner and had to resort to another means of communication when the professional one yielded no result? 

Why is it that I seem to always have to resort to a “threat” to “aggression” to get baseline respect?

It’s just exhausting. I’m exhausted.

Thank you, Jesus, for keeping me calm when I would previously feel rage. For helping me communicate boldly & clearly, yet respectfully. Thank you for reminding me always that my entire life is in your hands, and all things happen only with your consent. Thank you for offering me an opportunity to practice the patience I prayed for. Love ya, dude.

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I actually really like fresh flowers. I always told my boyfriends, and myself, that I didn’t want them. They’re nice, though. I’m appreciating them now-

After four years of living here, I made myself a bouquet from my garden. I always left them on the bushes so they would stay pretty. The other day, I cut some and put them in a vase.

I only did that once before, but I did it for my cleaner. I liked making her lunch and giving her things. It’s weird how many people will make you feel dumb for being generous. Don’t let those people influence you too much- it’ll dampen your generosity.

God never punishes generosity. But he doesn’t reward selfishness and greed.

Anyway, I like fresh flowers in the house. I think I mostly just didn’t like the boys who were giving them to me too much. I also didn’t like myself enough.

I’m gonna miss my plants here… the potted ones mostly. I have this beautiful spider plant that’s so big and bushy now. It sprouts tiny little white flowers and hangs in the window of my bedroom. My cacti I’ll miss the most. They’ve grown SO large. Cacti are cool because you can see where they grew. Sometimes they look like balloon animals that were twisted at the joints. 

One of my cacti sprouted up 5 new ones. So cool. 

I’ll have new plants in PA and I’ll watch them grow, too. It’s nice to be able to let go of things.

A couple of my rose trees are dying. So weird. They’ve been here for much longer than I have and have survived 4 years of my living here. I have a gardener so I’m not taking the blame. But I wonder why some die and some stay alive?

Mmm, an existential question, I guess.

I need to start waking up earlier again, I’ve been sleeping til almost 9. I always feel best when I wake up around 7 or 730. The mornings and the sunshine are the best part of the day.

I have so much to do, and someday I’ll look back and say “wow… I finally did it all.” I’ll be at the place I was climbing up to for so long. That’s where I am now, too, for the journey I started long ago. I’m finally here. And someday, I’ll be finally there.

But I’m just fine with right now.

Amen.

I think in my PA house I’ll keep a vase full of fresh flowers. And maybe someday, if it’s in God’s plan, someone will take over filling it for me. But before I expect anyone else to fill it for me, I’m going to fill it myself.