September musings

Where do I begin...my existential crises tend to come in waves, I suppose.

I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but this time of year always feels more like the beginning of a "new year" for me more than January 1st.  I don't know if it's that back-to-school energy perhaps, the hopeful feeling of starting fresh.  Now that I think about it, a new school year is really about other's perception of you, which is interesting to note for myself.

Lately I've been feeling restless, which tends to be a good sign for me creatively, although it always feels difficult.  The grinding wheel of shoot, post, repeat has felt stale for a long time. We are oversaturated with images, and although for a while short form videos felt exciting, it feels like interest is waning there as well.  Someone gave me a book recently, On Photography by Susan Sontag, and it's been just the thing I needed to get me thinking on this topic. Written in 1977, it's still so wildly applicable - and even fascinating to apply her observations to what she had no idea was coming: viewing photography on a digital screen in our hand at all times.

Every man with a camera is a photographer. I've hesitated to become a photographer myself, because I've witnessed so much of that world. The big money, high-end production shoots with large teams of exhausted, miserable fashion people, to the random dude who rolls up with nothing but a camera and a desire to see you topless. I honestly didn't want any part of it.  I got a camera during the pandemic so I could continue creating and making a living, with no grand plans to become a virtuosic artist of a fucking dslr.

Recently my road trip around the Northeast did inspire me though.  I took my best friend, who is not a model, and she hadn't been feeling very good about herself lately.  We both worked together in fashion for many years, and while I (mostly) escaped, she's still trapped in that soul-sucking world.  With only the intention of getting her out into nature to bring some much-needed emotional rest, she looked so beautiful in that light I couldn't resist taking her photos (I will ask her permission to share them here - I think you'd like her!)

I guess making people feel beautiful or confident is the only thing I've ever wanted out of taking photos.  I want it to make the subject feel a certain way, and I guess the viewer too.  I don't really think I have some novel eye or hot take on any subject.  I've had male photographers explain to me what is technically "wrong" with my photos (unsolicited), but what I really care about is light and feeling.  Just like a certain shade of blue, I get feelings from light.  Not just natural light either, it could be synthetic, nighttime, neon, studio, sinister or nostalgic.  In Susan Sontag's book (which I've only just started) she contradicts herself, perhaps an inner debate whether photography is a truth about what one sees compared to, for instance, painting - or it is impossible for the person holding the camera to not mold the truth to their will.  She calls it "aggressive," which I think is very funny and true.  It's an intense push to get what I want out of an image, rather than just journalistically documenting.

Anyways, I have a lot more to say on this topic, but that's enough for today.  Let's just say my recently acquired "new" camera and lens have inspired me, and I have many MANY more photos from my nature journey that I'm super excited to share with you soon.