Bros Before Hos (1)

Originally published in my out-of-print story collection College Dive Bar, 1 A.M. 

Bro!

- Whaddup!

Shit, man. It’s been too long. Get in here.

- Yeah, bro, for real.

How’d you manage to get away from the bitch tonight?

- C’mon, man….

Aw, I’m just fuckin’ with ya. What, she choke on her own bullshit or something?

- Dude….

Alright, alright. I’m sorry, okay? I won’t say any more about her. Just get in here, sit down on the couch. Want a beer? Here’s a beer.

- Sorry, man. I mean, I know you don’t like her that much.

Bro, what did I say? I’m done, my lips are sealed. Subject closed.

- Alright.

I’m just glad to be hangin’ out with my bro. It’s good to see you, man!

- Yeah, you too.

Shit, you been working out? Campus gym?

- Yeah, sometimes….

Sometimes?

- Well, like every couple days or so.

I bet. Look at those arms. Damn! Fuckin’ pythons. I can hardly wrap my hand around ‘em.

- Heh, heh. Yeah….

You been workin’on your stomach? Lemme feel those abs….

- Wait….

Damn right, you’re cut all to hell. Fuckin’ tight.

- Thanks.

Fuck, bro, when did you get so hot?

- Guess I learned it by watching you.

Aw, thanks.

- You still look good, bro. Your pecs are real developed.

You think?

- Yeah…they feel good.

Well, thanks. That means a lot to me. Fuck, I need a girlfriend or some motivation to keep my ass in line. Look at this fucking place, for example. I can’t ever bring any bitches back here. Got dirty clothes, empty cans everywhere….

- I like it. It’s a nice change.

Yeah. Guess you don’t have any of that shit to worry about, do ya? Your girlfriend take care of all that?

- Yeah. Tracy’s always harping on me about keeping the place real clean. She makes me put everything away as soon as I get home. I mean, I can’t so much as toss my gym bag on the floor without her freakin’ out about it. She makes me clean the bathroom every goddamn weekend. She practically makes me scrub the tile with a toothbrush. Drives me crazy….

Ha, ha. That’s it, bro. Let off some steam.

- I mean, I love her and all. She just drives me nuts the way she’s always around the house, telling me what I need to do. Tell you the truth, the only reason I got over here tonight is ‘cause she’s out of town.

Nice, bro. The truth comes out.

- Drives me fuckin’ crazy.

You don’t have to explain it to me, bro. Not at all. Why do you think I left Jamie?

- You left Jamie?

She left me, whatever…we broke up, is the point. The point is, every girlfriend I’ve ever had has been like that, just all up in my shit, messin’ with my life. Eventually the pussy just isn’t worth the baggage that comes with it. I mean, there are other ways of poppin’ off a load. My hand don’t make me put the…fuckin’…leftover macaroni and cheese in the fridge.

- I know what you mean. Mainly I just feel like my place isn’t even my place, you know? It’s more like her place.

Dude, Jamie used to keep these little fuckin’ colored soap balls on the back of the toilet.

- It’s shit like that! I never feel fully comfortable around her.

Not like you do with—

- With you! Or anybody….

With a bro.

- Right. Like, I can barely go to the bathroom when she’s around.

What do you mean? ‘Nother beer?

- Yeah, I’ll take another. I mean, like takin’ a shit. I feel weird about it. I gotta shut the door to the bathroom, for one thing. Or even to take a piss…I just get nervous.

Whereas, with a bro, you can fuckin’ fart—

- Right!

Or shit or piss or burp….

- Or whatever the fuck we want, ‘cause I know you’re just as dirty as I am, you know?

Yep, yep. I know, bro. You don’t have to tell me.

- And it’s practically the same thing with sex. Well….

Go ahead, bro. It’s cool.

- Like with her, I swear, I can barely cum. I have to like really concentrate, like seriously imagine whatever, or hold my legs really tight like I do when I’m jackin’ off sometimes.

You hold your legs tight when you jack off?

- Sometimes.

I never noticed.

- Yeah. I mean, that’s different, too. When we used to, whatever.

It’s all good bro! We’re letting it all hang out tonight! So yeah, when we’ve jacked off together…it was good, right?

- Yeah, I mean, nothing like pussy.

Obviously.

- But yeah, just…easier, or something.

No expectation.

- Exactly! ‘Cause it’s just you and me, or whoever….

We know each other. We don’t gotta worry about some bitch thinking our dick’s not big enough, or our nuts stink, or whatever.

- I like it when my nuts stink!

Exactly. In fact, they fuckin’ stink right now. Wanna smell?

- Ha, ha. Sure, bro. Hit me up. [Sniffs] Damn, you are ripe.

Told ya. What about you?

- Smell it.

Hell yeah, bro, just pull it out. I’ll get down there and smell it from the source. [Sniffs] Smellin' good, bro, smellin' good.

- Yeah, you, too.

My nut smell got you hard like that?

- Yeah, bro, it kinda did.

I’m hard, too. Check it out.

- Oh man….

We gonna do this, bro?

- Man, we haven’t done this since….

Freshman year? That summer afterwards?

- Something like that.

Have you thought about it? I have.

- Yeah. Me, too.

What are we waitin’ for then? Let’s get naked.

- Nice.

Ha, ha, bro. Look at you. Few minutes ago, you were all weird about seein’ me. Now you’re rarin’ to go.

- I didn’t think this was gonna happen, honestly. I just figured it was something we’d done when we were younger and couldn’t get as much pussy.

Bro, I’m still boned up all the time. Look at me now. And for what it’s worth, I don’t figure I’ll ever be too old to toss one off with my oldest, best bro.

- Cool, bro. Your body really is looking good.

Same to you. Better than it ever has. Fuckin’ hot…just me and you, bro.

- Hangin’ out naked. Ha, ha.

Drinkin’ a beer. Stinkin’ nuts hangin’ low. Pits ripe. Sweaty boners pulsin’ against our stomachs. Couple of hot-bodied jocks…damn. You care that I’m touchin’ you like this?

- No, it’s alright. It feels good.

Damn right. You feel good. That’s right, feel my body, man. Big fuckin’ muscles. Stand up. Damn, when’d you get that tattoo on your back?

- Last year.

Looks good. I like it. Nice back—lats like goddamn sirloin steaks. You been doin’ squats?

- Ha, ha. A few.

Fuckin’ glutes are tight. Damn, bro…you care that I’m touchin’ you back there like this?

- No….

Fuckin’ tight butt… Feel how fuckin’ hard you are. I am, too. You feel me against you?

- Yeah.

Yeah, jackin’ off my bro while his girlfriend’s outta town.

- You do it better than she does.

Hell yeah. Bet it even feels better than her mouth, too, don’t it?

- Yeah.

Bros just know how other bros like it. Damn, this is nice. Two fuckin’ muscle jocks whackin’ each other’s cocks, feeling each other’s bodies.

- Oh my god….

You alright?

- Yeah, I just…it’s just you feeling my butt like that….

You like me feeling your butt like that?

- I do.

It’s okay, bro. Remember, it’s just us.

- Me and you.

That’s right. Nobody else.

- I’m gonna cum, bro, if you keep feeling me like that.

So cum, bro. Fuck, I’m gonna blow, too, all over you.

- Fuck yeah. Cum all over my ass.

Fuckin’ hairless hole, bro. Fuck!

- Aw yeah....

Ah! Ah!

- Fuck!

Fuckin’ hole clenchin’ against my finger.

- Oh my god, oh my god….

Damn bro, you shot a ton. All over the fuckin’ carpet, ha, ha.

- Sorry, bro.

You think I care? Just shoot it on me next time.

- You mind if I take a shower, wash all this off?

Not at all. Care if I join you?

- No…course not. It’s your shower. I gotta piss first, though.

Yeah. Me, too.

- This is pretty cool.

No trouble peein’ around me, huh?

- No, not at all. It’s completely different. I feel totally comfortable.

Well, you should move in here, bro.

- Really?

Ditch the bitch. I’ll help you move. Live here, bro. We can hang all the fuckin’ time.

- I might. I think I want to.

Don’t think. Just ditch the bitch and move in with me.