RiffTrax

Riffs That Never Were: From Justin To Kelly

Added 2019-09-12 17:48:19 +0000 UTC

This post was originally published to Drip on January 26, 2018.

Hello everyone, Conor here. I thought I would share with you another artifact from the early days of RiffTrax. This is approximately twenty minutes of a From Justin to Kelly RiffTrax script.

From Justin to Kelly RiffTrax, you say? But that doesn't exist! That's right! It doesn't! In the early days, before I was officially writing on every release, sometimes I would have down time and I would work on stuff that *maybe* we'd end up doing. From Justin to Kelly was recent enough that it was still a popular request, so I sat at my desk and watched it alone, writing riffs for something we would never release. I guess it's kind of a RiffTrax fan fiction!

Reviewing it now, it's obvious that I was still figuring out how to do this whole riff writing thing. There are two separate Road House references, an extremely questionable Van Helsing pun, and a gratuitous "write myself into the script" moment as DisembAudio. Also, I evidently had never heard of AutoTune and thought that T-Pain was using 80s Vocorder technology.

Anyway, I don't know how much value this has without being able to see the movie, but enjoy this artifact and wonder what could have been! Personally, I can still remember what the idiots in the "Pennsylvania Posse" looked like.

(20th Century Fox Logo fades)

00:23 Ladies and gentlemen...Mr. Justin Guarini...

00:36 ("won't stand in line") We've made a terrible decision...

00:46 ("just to take a faaaaaaaal") The gums that captivated the nation.

00:58 ("Thank you!") I'm here every off-night!

01:04 ("you're too kind') Hey, you're paid to play, play!

01:13 ("couple of beers") Some steak flavored beers?

01:22 ("in you romantically") You're not my type, and you're my cousin

01:32 ("blow you over. O-kay") Seriously, I intend to cause you quite a bit of bodily harm...Darlin'.

01:46 ("to stay here") In what is probably Texas?

01:55 ("don't we Kel?") Your cousin Luke

02:04 ("How did you swing that") Used the rental car fund

02:21 ("definitely the locals") Both of them

02:33 ("we'll kill ya") Though we'd much rather use you

02:38 ("OK", scene change) Spring Break in Miami! It's preferable to death!

02:46 (From Justin to Kelly) Formerly the Swept Away memorial Bridge

02:55 (Kelly Clarkson) Now entering Kelly Clarkson!...That didn't come out right...

03:02 (Justin Guarini) Too bad they didn't go with the original title, Ballistic: Justin Vs. Kelly

03:10 Well, the truck has already taken its top off. Shouldn't done it while driving that car though, Thank you!

03:20 (Casting by) The casting director handpicked these three guys.

03:27 (toes) Dr. Scholls Toe Rings - Fend off foot funk with fashion!

03:36 (costume designer) Costume Designer sounded better than "Thrift Store Clearance Rack Purchaser"

03:46 ("vacation, all i ever wanted") This is truly the greatest vacation related song since "Holiday Ro-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oad"

03:55 (hovercraft) Help! I can't stop! I've been stuck on this thing for three days!

04:01 (executive producer) This butt never worked in Hollywood again

04:11 (written by Kim Fuller) Psssh...She only got the job cause she's the producer's six year old daughter...

04:18 (Directed by Robert Iscove) That's not how you spell Eat At Joes....

04:30 ("at the mouth for you") Yeah, hopefully rabies won't break out again...

04:41 ("none other than") Rip Taylor!

04:44 ("pensylvania posse") The Roots?

05:00 ("on spring break", over dialogue) You know, like I explained to you on the trip down.

05:16 ("relationships with women") Somehow, I don't doubt that...

05:25 ("didn't dump me") She just raised her rates

05:31 ("I like that") Ah ha, emotion!

05:45 ("mix and match") I've seen him do it

05:51 ("Oh, oh OK") He puts the Puss in Pennsylvania Posse

05:59 ("finally!") Sorry ladies, the motel just went bankrupt

06:05 ("let's hit the beach") Hey, if you want to park there, you'll have to flip someone the keys and say "You can keep it"

06:13 ("then make some noise") How about "Booooo!"

06:18 ("brothers are you with me") We brought our weights!

06:27 ("west coast are you with me") Little shout out to all my peeps on Mountain Standard Time!!!

06:36 (Posse) So...where are those guys hiding their cases of beer?

06:43 (Kelly) Hey, hammer pants, where's your friend?

06:53 ("hey there sweet thing") Whoa, her accent just went on spring break too! 07:04 ("who's the right decision") Guys love it when random girls yell-sing at them

07:11 ("look my way") I doubt it ("just wants to play") But somewhere else.. ("no I'll stay") good call ("just what to say") Don't attempt that rhyme scheme unless you're a professional folks.

07:23 (douche hugs girl) Please! Just one beer!?

07:29 ("tomorrow you'll be gone") Thirty feet away, people are playing horseshoes...grilling...getting ready to kick some serious ass...

07:38 Where's that out of control hovercraft guy when you need him?

07:48 ("can you feel the love") (David Caruso) And now a breakdown...Miami style

08:01 ("wanna be with you") By which she means engage in sexual intercourse

08:13 ("the day is gone") Meanwhile, normal people enjoy their spring break

08:24 ("see you've got alot") A lot of what? hair? Unlikeable traits?

08:34 ("matter all the same") Her favorite movie is Van Yell-sing!

08:39 The tide can't come in soon enough

08:46 This move is called the GHB

08:51 (lifts girl) Careful! She could get caught in an updraft!

08:58 The beach ball dance is one of the finest Miami traditions, along with winning the world series then trading all your players to the Yankees, and saying hello to peoples little friends

09:11 (throw balls) Pick up after us, Miami!

09:18 Couldn't they dance to a less repetitive song? Like 99 Bottles of Beer on the wall or Lambchop's "The Song That Doesn't End?"

09:32 You're thinking about "The Song That Doesn't End" right now, aren't you?

09:45 ("can you feel the vibe") Kelly! A guy wants to give us hats in exchange for performing an act of some sort!

09:54 ("everybody out tonight") Hey, vocorder! For the people who complained that the song wasn't enough like "I'm in love wit' a stripper" 10:09 ("we are the stag", over dialogue) What happened to the sun at the game reserve?

10:17 ("too much detail", over dialogue) As objects, girls have little to no concern for details

10:31 ("the masters") That's what he calls his nipples

10:36 Oh no...It's like Vanilla Ice, Third Bass and Snow all rolled into one

10:44 (girls) (blonde chick accent) Look how dark it is over there y'all!

10:53 (girls) (blonde chick accent) Are they drunk? I didn't see any beer...

11:11 ("all the girls whistle") Little moon over Miami for ya, ladies!

11:18 ("image out of my head") It's gonna take a lot of casual sex, I better get busy

11:33 ("let it go unckecked") Uh huh...and how do you explain all the warts?

11:43 ("give you my number") It's printed on the side of my night stick

11:50 ("this is a ticket") He's been cited for freestyling under the influence of whiteness

11:59 ("beautiful ticket") Let's get inside, storm's a comin'

12:11 ("bigger sideburns") Well your mom's dead, so shut up!

12:20 ("last year, believe me", over dialogue) Last year we stayed at the dump

12:27 ("Get ready") So there's no drinking at the beach...No drinking in the hotel room...They have specified that this is spring break in Miami Florida, and not Miami, Utah, or Miami, Plymouth Rock Colonial Settlement, right?

12:49 ("what you don't wear") Like a monocle. Don't wear a monocle.

13:01 ("whoever you want") Provided they're equally shallow

13:12 ("no he wasn't") He was groping me, there's a difference

13:24 ("can i sign up", over dialogue) At their website, "Chicks are objects dot com"

13:33 ("I don't clench") I YELL-SINNNNNNNG!

13:37 ("I believe you") Now toss on your Muu-muu and let's hit the town

13:47 ("all hot") Especially that blonde with the unattractive friend... 13:55 ("for three days") This is how guys talk

14:06 ("Gonna log on") Hey, nerd or idiot, you gotta pick one

14:19 ("way to find out") Talk like Matthew McConaghey...

14:30 ("uh-huh!") And then we'll return to college to finish up our degrees in neuroscience! (with disembaudio) Uhhh-huh!

14:39 (justin) He's mediocre...He's real mediocre...

14:46 (guy breakdances) I wonder if "Breakdancer in From Justin to Kelly" is something you put on or leave off your Subway job application?

14:58 (Tapping feet)

15:08 ("say what's on my mind", over singing) Nah, just think it in song

15:15 ("know your name", over singing) But you look like a Gary...

15:21 The rail thin 'fro guy really does blend into the crowd of shirtless bodybuilders...

15:31 ("can you comprehend") Hey, where ya goin' buddy, the tap dancing is that way!

15:44 ("the other way") Kool-Aid, comin' thru!

15:51 ("don't hesitate") Hey, you lookin' for the goofball? Yeah, he's right over there, you can't miss him. 15:59 ("forever part of me") Actual fling may last much shorter than forever

16:13 ("or jump right in") They need to hop on the Missed Connections section of Craigslist. Then they can just get distracted over at Casual Encounters and forget all about each other...Yep,I've heard it's wild in there...

16:26 ("Just pass us by") Can you wrap the song up? It's hard to hold your arm in the air for so long

16:35 ("look the other way") OK, screw Justin, where's that tequila lady with the whistle

16:45 ("we gotta take") Many guys sipping on drinks with fruit or umbrellas. May explain the interest in the tap dancing...

16:53 Yeah, spring break, woooooo whatever...

17:05 ("the evolution dude", over dialogue) Wooderson?

17:12 ("wasn't in florida") or a moron

17:26 ("tell him yourself") You puny little, hey your boobs are bigger than my girlfriends!

17:34 ("everyone is welcome", after a beat) Come on babe, we'll be late for the opera

17:45 ("unless of course you uh") Turn hot

17:51 ("Thanks") Eskimo kiss!!!

17:55 ("So...") Matthew?

18:09 ("got the bracelets!") Get her! Kill her! What are the bracelets? Trample her!