Upsetting Day: Xtrovertpod

Ignore that, it’ll go away on its own.

We’re unqualified for ethics, yet deal with them all our lives. Can I buy this? Work there? Eat that? Carpet-bomb her? Starve him? Keep starving him? Film my oxy-addicted neighbors for no clicks? Answers are rare.

Xtrovertpod’s for moral philosophers.

That’s an unfair exaggeration. Here’s the real game: two addicts drag each other across asphalt. That’s it. Xtrovertpod can do anything, God’s laughing too. Though Tug A War’s a more slapstick turn; the channel’s mostly mind games. Che wants to be the Jigsaw of North Philadelphia.

Since I’ve been unkind to past reality hosts, I’ll use restraint. Che has the soul of someone that makes addicts drag each other across asphalt. One day he’ll go to a warm place just for Bumfights referees. I hope he finds fame soon, so that it can drive him mad faster.

See, I made a mistake. I asked what normal people watch. I knew what Vocaloid fetishists, LLM fetishists, and cryptid appreciators were up to. But the media diet of the average bored adult eluded me. I sought answers the one way I know: higher learning.

At YouTube University, where I learned too much.

First, I finally met “Pop the Balloon” videos, which normal people enjoy. Infinite clones from infinite hacks, sharing one premise: pandas are right about sex. We’re on the only site where I should explain. “Pop the Balloon’s” a dating game for people confused by Love Island. Each contestant holds a balloon. If they’re unlovable, you pop it. If you’re unlovable, they pop it themselves. Apply that to every social fault line you’re thinking of, and you have viral dark magic.

I’d heard rumors but never indulged. Sort of like jenkem or dick tattoos. The most popular jenkem channel has real cameras and 1.1 million subscribers.

While the clips defied memory, the comments stuck with me. Normal people yearn to pop and spread the wounds in their hearts. Maybe it works, and each pop erases a week of family court. I can’t tell you. I’m not normal.

Then I found Xtrovertpod’s version.

The same prop. An attempt at the same lineup shot. But each player’s endured life’s right hook, and found Che instead of help. Though I can’t knock the direction, even as players fly in and out of focus. The camera’s sneaky with the needle drop-off. Blink and you miss it, but the box sets the scene. We’re in Reagan’s wake, finishing off the survivors.

It’s bluffing. Still, we should warm up. We’ll finish Pop the Balloon: Kensington when your soul’s ready.

For now, here’s Che’s origin story. Despite the apparent chaos, Xtrovertpod has a simple, grounded concept: copy internet trends with addicts. You can guess what Pop the Balloon: Kensington rips off. Tug A War: Kensington Edition coasts off of Squid Game’s return. And Che’s first video jacks Mr. Beast.

That laughing emoji stops me every time. Pure dated, witless, half-assed evil. Like a plastic ring of power from a cereal box. Like a mistranslated voodoo curse with a Bratz doll. Che’s a year away from a rehab clinic Harlem Shake.

The confused and angry man on the right’s Frederick. Maybe. They drag that name out of him across six minutes of shouting and chasing. It’s Frederick’s lucky day: Xtrovertpod has a donation for him, and it’s mandatory. Two cars almost hit Frederick, and Che’s down for that footage.

For the debut, Che has a codefendant. Since then he’s either fled, grown a soul, or switched to camera monkey. Likely the latter, since he harasses desperate strangers without shame or fear. After fighting shame and fear for ages, I finally see their worth. They keep you from chasing day trippers into traffic.

Wait, that sounds like a strawman. Let’s check their real conversation:

Like the best titles, “Getting Panhandlers Off the Street” evolves during the work. I, like an infant, thought “warm and indoors,” per Mr. Beast before them. Xtrovertpod just means the road. And Che means life.

While/even if/especially if Che’s lying through his teeth, no view count’s worth this. That’s just a million witnesses to a crime.

Or four thousand witnesses. This interrogation reached no one to earn no money and make no point. Xtrovertpod and Queen for a Day share one good deed: as cartoons of fake charity, they help prove subtler grifters should be burned. But let’s stick to Che, he has fewer lawyers than his muse. Fewer private lawyers.

Amidst everything else, I’m hooked on one frame. It deserved a gallery.

Here, the cameraman films a rubbernecker filming him filming his two dumbest friends chasing a panhandler through traffic. While possible pre-pandemic, that social innovation belongs to this era. We’re a new species.

Now that our souls are nice and warmed up, back to Bachelor in Hell.

So picky.

Pop the Balloon: Kensington is Xtrovertpod’s breakout and only hit. Around 219k views at press time—just enough to warp your mind and hirability without improving your life. After churning out opioid exploitation films, Che’s chasing a dragon. Justice is the wrong word: you don’t always get justice, but this was inevitable.

Confession: I punched up the title. Xtrovertpod has a quality control issue:

Why help? The further Xtrovertpod goes, the sooner Che hits sentencing. So I tweaked the brevity, spelling, and wording from trademarked rivals. I don’t expect a check. Don’t send one. I’ll burn it.

The Xtrovertpod universe includes every app you should delete. As a cynical toad, I expected XtrovertTok to be massive. Crickets. Turns out the Brain Graveyard prefers some craft with the circus. A steady hand, an alibi, faster radicalization, etcetera. When Xtrovertpod finally explodes into Hood Jubilee, it’ll be on YouTube, where standards are less shallow and more fictional.

The Bachelorette, China, seems lost. She’ll piece these events together later. After some limp patter from Che, China takes stock of her suitors. No one in the lineup self-pops, leading Che to hoot “They like you.” She’s the Belle of Pandemonium’s ball.

Per game rules, China eliminates three future Tug-A-War players.

Elimination Three looks pissed. And stays pissed next round. Xtrovertpod’s remaking the internet, and that includes a crackcel. I don’t know what meth-powered streamers or downer-inhaling tradwives would be like, except nevermind. On instinct, China flees melee range before Elimination Three can end the episode early.

Che, in a responsible twist, makes peace. I’m lying, but isn’t believing nice? Don’t let Xtrovertpod take that. And this might be a double fake.

Nope! But keep the fight alive. Elimination Three holds stoney silence through this exchange, shouting volumes. Rest assured: Che plants years of strife in twenty unedited minutes. Don’t let the colorism distract you from Che’s role as a much, much louder Nyarlatho…I’ve used that one. Che is a much louder Saren…shit. I’ll find a fresh prophet of doom later. Che’s putting points on the board for hell, and someone’s getting stabbed eventually.

Three suitors remain.

That’s not a typo, green shirt’s just chilling. He must have a lot to think about.

Here, personality comes into play. Mostly Che’s dark triad. But we learn a bit about the players. To help pick her Romeo, China gets two questions.

Chuck’s boned: five’s too many kids to feed or remember sober. Tripping, near Che? China’s not into the odds. Chuck doesn’t know it, but he’s already popped. Meanwhile, Mark (50) has one kid and a nice backpack (his kid’s?) and “Jesse James” (34) has no kids and some light left in his eyes.

That data makes the rest pointless, but China needs one more question. Personally, I’d ask if suitors could take rejected players in a fight. But you’re better off getting dating advice from a contestant. An in-law invited me to a free, all-expenses paid duel.

Thus, two balloons die. You can, with a detective’s keen eye, guess which ones.

If we stop here, anything could happen. Maybe China and Chuck ride into the alliterative sunset. Maybe Che returns to jail before learning about LiveLeak. Maybe the YouTube board apologizes with short swords and pillows. Per Pop the Balloon or Find Love’s ruleset, which we’re still defiling, the winner can ask China one question. Jesse James–likely not named after the outlaw–knows his angle.

Che’s laugh has character, I’ll try to capture its essence. After inviting a known stimulant escort to your dating show, you play her humiliation like a trap card for mediocre clicks. Che’s laugh sounds like that thought feels.

So Round One ends. Five minutes in, right at the human soul’s breaking point. While this needle drop sees darker stories every day, this game’s the most unnecessary. Anyhoo, on to the next two rounds. There’s fifteen minutes of romance left.

Stay strong. Morale might improve. Remember what I said about believing?

Granted, this round implodes after two of Kayla’s suitors tug themselves on camera. But we still have Che’s friend YBC Strizz, in a position of minimal authority. Strizz can finally redeem men in power.

They’re all in the same situation. We might find some humanity.

Men in power remain controversial. Though things pick up when Strizz asks which methheads cook and clean. With headphones, you can hear Maslow scream.

Wait, hold on. I fucked that image response up. Do-over.

Is that China again? In the same hope-fucking episode?! Che you lazy piece of talking shit, if you want a junkie circus, put in the footwork. No one should pull double shifts on Xtrovertpod. Or appear on Xtrovertpod.

I noticed, two or thirteen rounds ago, that Xtrovertpod’s worst feature’s dragging addicts over psychic asphalt for clicks. But if I felt contrarian, I’d say the honesty. Players have nothing to lose, and a lifetime to plan Che’s fall. Every ugly thought behind Channel 4 flies free.

For example:

Shoo.

Classic fuckup. No, the other thing. Deep space fuck-up. The first of its kind caught on film. Time for a double self-pop. Thanks for playing, Strizz.

Th-they found love! Bask in the love. See what happens when you believe?

Expect more love, until Che burns out, blames fans, and pivots into Saving Men. Pop the Balloon: Kensington has three numbered sequels, and one Bando Edition. The latter betrays fans/investigators—the needle box is a character. It is to Pop the Balloon: Kensington what rudderless, panicked plotting is to Squid Game. Or the schoolgirl statue, whatever.

Welcome to the Age of Love.

I planned a clever rant claiming Xtrovertpod’s not so bad, it just reflects the web back at it. But it is that bad and does that. Even if the internet was just Wikipedia and Dan Carlin, skid row remakes would be a mortal sin. Since half the internet sucks, Xtroverpods a stupid mortal sin.

It’ll explode any day now. Xtrovertpod’s pre-viral and pre-prison. Both are inevitable, like Xtrovertpod never producing a single podcast episode.

Last month, I mentioned burning too many of my nerd jokes early. That included wasting Miura on nothing. Forcing me to draw this sketch from scratch: if, in the hunt for hope and glory in a war-torn kingdom, Che found a magic ruby that granted him power in exchange for butchering and violating the few friends that let him live this long, Philadelphia would have a permanent eclipse.

That’s Xtrovertpod! It’s nice to get a break from the dark stuff, and explore the Normal Internet. I wonder what else they have.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Bim Talzer, a one person army working tirelessly against the algorithm to one day free humanity from the horrors we have wrought.

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