Learning Day: The Fart Video

No one will ever do anything worse to you than show you the The Fart Video (1992). I'll try to make it fun, but you will never forgive me for this. The more you learn of it, the more your mind will reject it. It is a violent misunderstanding of all reason, a grotesque mistake from an unknowable thing with no dreams. The Fart Video makes F.A.R.T. The Movie (1991) and F.A.R.T. The Movie (2000) look like competent fart movies.

"Pop this video into a VCR and you have an instant party!" is a foul, provable lie. This will bring all thought to a halt. It's the opposite of fun, but too confusing to understand how. It is an animated list of farts without jokes or any tether to our reality. They're a series of wild, wrong guesses by cosmic butt prophets. "Skits" is maybe what a generous viewer could call them, but they exist somewhere beneath the concept of idea. These are what worms taste if you died in a methane explosion. Which brings us to our deadly game of fart prediction– THE FART VIDEO FART DETECTIVE ADVENTURE QUIZ®.

You are going to learn each of the farts featured in The Fart Video, none of which will be relatable, funny, or sane. After you are given the fart's name, your job will be to select the correct description. Each one is more obvious than you're imagining; beyond any stupid you've known making them impossible to anticipate. "No, it can't be," you will say many times. So this will not be a test of your fart knowledge, but of your lack of faith in humanity. Are you capable of thinking as small as the writer of The Fart Video? Are you willing to admit you live in a universe that created or allowed it? Let's begin.

The video has no setup and opens on the words "THE COCKTAIL PARTY FART." What could this video have to say about whatever that is? Consider all the possibilities and check a box.

The answer was…

… B! Sort of! Some guy walks up to a group of people having a conversation and he farts on them until they leave while the narrator reads precisely this:

That's THE COCKTAIL PARTY FART script in its entirety. It is 26 seconds long. Some mysterious people run around parties farting, the end, next fart. I tried to make myself clear that this is not a zany list of fart experiences you might have had. There are no jokes. We're not meeting fun characters. This is how the creator of Marmaduke would cry for help if North Korea kidnapped him to make state-sponsored fart videos. In fact, I will accept no other explanation. Let's move on to Question 2: THE FANNY BURP.

Have you locked in your answer? You were correct if you said…

… B! I'm serious! Please refer to your THE FANNY BURP card for full details.

You don't have to read these full cards, by the way. You shouldn't. I transcribed every word this video said, but there is no value to it. I mostly did it because I didn't think you'd believe me if I said, "While the kid fart-jumps himself to death, the narrator invents a new term for kids to use instead of fart, and then realizes other people wouldn't know it and mock him. Anyway, that's about it, sorry, bye."

The narrator is clearly reading from a script, but these are the blatherings of someone who was just told a bomb in their neck would go off unless they said something, anything about farts. They are all like this, but there's no way you're ready to accept that yet. Let's move on to Question 3.

The answer is…

… any of the above. This was a free round because I shouldn't be doing this, it's very confusing, and "Hitler farting two men to death during a morning commute" isn't a fair puzzle solution. Please don't read this, the full script from THE HOLD YOUR BREATH FART:

There will never be anything like The Fart Video. Instead of jokes, it's mostly advice for live action tourists about to visit a fart cartoon. It's observational comedy for fish who are wrong about buttholes. I'll never be able to explain it. I made a terrible mistake in trying. Question 4:

You're not going to believe this. The answer was…

… C. It's farting while you ejaculate, but don't worry about it. She's fine. This isn't a video about awkward, comical situations. It's about farting on your wife because she loves and accepts you, the end. Again, it is wrong of me to show this to you, but here's the full description of THE LOVERS FART:

I cannot find this video's tone. The box never mentions comedy and, in fact, the only descriptions it gives are "full color" and "instant party," but can you imagine showing this at a party? "Everybody be quiet, the best part is about to happen! This sad sack is about to cum and fart at the same time annnnnd… THERE! Everything's fine, don't worry about it. Some things are more important than who farted on your vulva. Like love; like hope." It's not that it's not funny, it's that it's deliberately not trying to be. Nowhere in the process of writing or animating a fart video did it occur to them to do jokes. This is a list of locations and things to be farted on, or not. It's like someone looking around the room and saying, I don't know, NEWSPAPER FART? Sorry, bad example. Anyway, the next question is "What is THE NEWSPAPER FART?"

I'm so confident you will never accept the real answer that I'm going to tell it to you and show it to you. A NEWSPAPER FART is when you fart while reading a newspaper, and it looks like this:

You were right! It was B! It was only B!

That's it! That's it? That's it!? That's it!?!? Question 6: What's THE SUPERMARKET FART?

You and I both know the only option is C. It's how it always had to be.

Included in your THE FART VIDEO FART DETECTIVE ADVENTURE QUIZ®, there should be a card describing THE SUPERMARKET FART. Draw it now, but don't read it. You will understand life and how we're meant to spend it far less if you read it.

God damn it, did you read it? Did you learn "the trick" to doing this fart is to leave afterward and worry not about the suffering we cause others, followed by no comedy? Are we meant to believe the joke was, "Guys, what's the deal with supermarket farts? I mean, it's like we were born to stink and to hurt one another, next fart."

This is a harder one. All I'm telling you so far is it starts with the words THE ORDINARY FART and the screen fills up with sheep. What could it mean? What could it be? I'll give you a hint: it has nothing to do with sheep.

The answer is…

… B? The narrator affects then quickly abandons a hillbilly accent while explaining how some farts aren't really worth mentioning. An old man farts on his dog's head and his wife smiles at him. Which means after only six fart types, one of which was "newspaper," the writer of The Fart Video's only idea is "what if there was no idea." This VHS tape is so much less than nothing at all, and was priced at $9.95. Ignore this card!

"Do I have any thoughts on farts?" considered one man. "Nope!" he decided. "Oh, I have to get this down on paper before I forget it," he added. Question 8: What is THE DOOR FART? Think dumber. No, much dumber. Also consider the video might cheat.

"Ohh, this is a clever fart!" says the narrator. But not clever enough to trick you! It was C!

The animators did not know how to draw a man leaving a trap fart, because who could? What ethics would allow it? Instead, they drew him opening a door to the outside and getting his hat blasted off. There is no attempt at an explanation. The outside is fart now, people do this all the time, next fart, do not read this THE FART VIDEO ACTUAL TRANSCRIPTION CARD®!

Have words lost meaning? Specifically fart. Am I saying that right? Fart. Fart? Question 9: THE TAXI FART.

The answer was…

… B! You are the villain in this fart! The narrator rambles on about this aimless nonsense about partitions protecting drivers from your farts, and like most of the video, it has nothing to do with the animation. Because the partition does nothing, and the driver stops to get out. Not to beat up the passenger in some cartoonish way, but to leave, next fart. No, I won't explain further, I said next fart!

What's THE SIT-UP FART?

The answer was never B. We've all sinned far too much.

Who among us has not flayed the skin off our workout partner's face with a fifteen second fart? We knew that's how he was going to die the moment he was born without reflexes or foresight. And, look, -again- I wish we weren't doing this. I wish there was a way to describe The Fart Video other than typing every single thing it's saying and putting it on fake playing cards. But look at this:

The producers of The Fart Video are incapable of imagining a relatable experience. This is insanity. They are expecting you to recognize a cartoon fart they made up. They aren't trying to evoke some situation where a fart embarrasses you in yoga class; they are listing its stats like we'll need to identify it. It's so functionally wrong it pisses me off. It'd be like turning on Young Sheldon and expecting bad jokes, but instead Young Sheldon is looking into the camera and saying, "Four cans of mushroom soup. Math sounds. My babysitter's feet." Or maybe it's nothing like that at all, there is no way of knowing. Next question: THE QUEUE FART.

The answer is…

… A, but barely! Some man farts in line and the narrator offers an unlikely lesson about how farting makes lines move faster because it makes them less pleasant. I've given up on them constructing a joke. At this point, I only want them to say something about farts that proves they know how farts work. It won't happen during question 12: What's THE CAMPERS FART?

Oh no, did I forget to include the real one?

It's C. A fart in a tent drives bears and mosquitos away because it's a "genuinely awful fart." The writer sat down to consider what was notable about farts in a tent and only came up with two things. "They are worse than normal, always and for unstated reasons" and I lied when I said there were two things. Once again, The Fart Video forgot to write a joke or a story and instead listed details of a specific imaginary fart, then declared it a pattern. It's like Jerry Seinfeld's famous joke, "What's the deal with the UPC code on Cookie Crisp? Eight, seven, one, zero, zero, five, zero, zero, zero, three, zero, four!? Who is the zero executive who thought we needed all these zeroes!?"

Anyway, here's the card for THE CAMPERS FART. Look away from it and destroy it.

Next up is the closest thing we'll get to a good one, so I'm going to keep it mysterious. What's THE COPY MACHINE FART?

You were right!

It was C! After twelve failed attempts at being anything, The Fart Video is finally the fun kind of insanity. This is wrong in a way where we can say, "I like how the copy machine is somehow taking pictures of his farts, not his butt." It's great. But whatever it is, this amazing and rare avalanche of strange decisions, is undone by the narrator who is telling a story of how people are always trying to "jiggle a button" on copy machines or "mumble ozone" to hide their farts, but it won't work– we know they're farting. That's the bad, impenetrable kind of insanity. It's so disappointing. It'd be like some awesome guy in your office copying his farts, but soon you realize he's actually alone and in a lot of pain.

It's all downhill from THE COPY MACHINE FART. For instance, THE MASSAGE FART.

You're not going to believe this.

It's C! A masseuse crushes a fart out of a woman and the narrator tells us, and I quote, "people who give massages are into natural body functions and will probably not mind [th]is fart at all." It's the first time in The Fart Video where I considered this could all be a sex thing. I'm not saying that would explain it, but it would explain it some. Speaking of explanations, none will ever come for THE OZONE FART.

C is the right answer, but no more right than any answer. It's worth stepping back to consider once again what this is and who it could possibly be for. It is a rapid fire of farts that don't exist without wit or reason. There is no worse version of this, this failure we have no reference for. After all we've seen, it still doesn't seem possible the whole of THE OZONE FART is this and only this:

"This is a very big fart!" screams the narrator as a man hobbles eight feet forward and farts. It obviously hurts him, so why make the journey at all? The Earth would have been blown in half from back there, right? This is how you win an argument against someone who claims there is good in the world. And it gets worse. For the first time this article, I urge you to read the text on the official THE FART VIDEO FART DETECTIVE ADVENTURE QUIZ® fart card:

What contempt of joy could inspire writing this? "Seek outdoor employment for the rest of his or her life!?" Fuck you. "Pets like canaries that have delicate respiratory systems!?" Suck my entire dick. Herbert I. Kavet, writer of The Fart Video, if you hate making comedy this much, why do it? With 1992 VHS manufacturing and distribution costs, this endeavor had to have made you negative $40,000, and the world's biggest fart fan's 7-year-old could have seen that coming. You are the newspaper fart of people. Next fart!

I don't know how to put this. We can't prove this fart exists because concert pianists are winning the arms race between piano farts and piano fart detection, a phrase autocorrect keeps trying to change to "please, anything else at all?"

I hate this for a new reason. The narrator mentions sophisticated music terms like "fortissimo" and "arpeggio" which is troubling because it means this was written by an educated adult, not my first guess: a third grader watching a clown get swallowed by quicksand. Next fart. THE DOG DID IT FART.

It was A. The writer has spent so much time staring at "THE DOG DID IT FART" in his word processor that he has lost the last of his perspective. He is long past having nothing and can't remember what nothing looked like. He is now at the stage of panic where he thinks he's onto something with "if you want to blame a fart on a dog, you n-need a dog!" If you said this to a brain surgeon, he would leave the operating room and tell your wife, "I tried my best, but your husband is a stupid piece of shit. Fuck that guy, I quit."

Okay, good news! Last fart! And it's also bad news! It's the worst one!

Easy, right? Did you lock in your answer? Great!

You're wrong. It was C. I'll let the text of the THE FLOWER FART game card explain:

Herbert I. Kavet is flailing in what he thinks is the direction of comedy and missing with every swing. What the howling shit is this nonsense? He writes fart jokes the same way the first caveman tried to fuck a snake. The end, no more farts.

May God have mercy on the soul of LaziestManOnMars who sent me this tape.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Brockway FAMOUSLY Loves the Meat Milly, who will always fart on your vulva. Respectfully.

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