Fucking Day: Tilted Kilt's Missed Shots

There’s something you get living in the South you just can’t experience anywhere else, and that is the sheer volume of titty-themed chain restaurants. Sure, we’ve got Hooters for the LIBERAL man who wants to bring his favorite waitress little trinkets in the hopes she'll befriend him like a crow. However, we also offer several variations of republican Hooters for the more discerning pervert. There’s Twin Peaks, a vaguely lumberjack-themed Hooters that advertises itself as the manly alternative to America’s favorite breastaurant.

As we all know, half-assing your sexual harassment power lunch is pretty gay. Lumberjack-themed boobs are for real men, but what about real men who are also into plaid, but it’s a different kind of plaid? Well, for them, we have The Tilted Kilt, a series of financial and humanitarian crimes loosely disguised as a chain restaurant.

The president of The Titled Kilt was a good, clean-cut businessman named Ron Lynch, who was an undercover boss once and learned that maybe eighteen and nineteen-year-old girls need a little more mentorship before being thrown into the horny man flesh pit. Ron also once told a magazine that his biggest accomplishment in life is his family. "My wife, two great daughters, and supper [sic] grandkids that support me in whatever venture I am into." That just makes me picture a seven-year-old yelling, "She's a five at best, Grandpa!"

After successfully selling The Tilted Kilt for less than the price of their Fat Bastard's Meatloaf entree ($10), Ron went on to open and very quickly close a new chain concept called "Voo Doo Daddy's Steam Kitchen." Please picture Ron Lynch, owner of Voo Doo Daddy's Steam Kitchen right now because I am sure you can accurately without needing to see this picture.

When proud daddy Ron was still in charge of the felony factory that was The Tilted Kilt back in 2014, they used to have a very active YouTube channel. There were a few running series on this channel, including Talk Flirty To Me, where Tilted Kilt servers would visit fun places while in uniform, like a gun range, another gun range, or a paintball range. Then there's Missed Shots, a series where the servers are forced to publicly respond to the thirsty comments men completely incapacitated by their horniness have left on the Tilted Kilt social media channels. They do this with the enthusiasm and delicacy of a cat owner who's just been gifted the rotting corpse of a squirrel by their well-meaning but terribly horny little friend.

These women aren't comedians, so when the social media team for The Tilted Kilt hands them these absolutely bonkers comments and asks for a response, they basically say, "Ew, that's gross. Why…why would you say that? Who are these people? Do they come to our restaurant? Can we stop them?"

This woman has no witty response to a man commenting "lovely jugs" on a picture of her not even holding jugs. It's not a double entendre or a clever pun. Someone saw breasts and had to identify them immediately, like the boob whisperer that he is. This is the easiest Where's Waldo ever, and he's won!

The messages highlighted in these videos are not cute or fun; they are the most embarrassing thing that could ever be publicly displayed on the internet. Imagine being so wasted and horny that you DM a mediocre fast-casual restaurant at 5 AM and demand they respond to your sexual advances. Someone unsuccessfully tried to fuck an Applebees and got called out on it.

I can't believe The Tilted Kilt would be willing to alienate their consumer base of weird, lonely perverts who can barely spell. This is like Bass Pro Shop hating fisherman or Hobby Lobby publicly ridiculing terrible divorced women who are obsessed with scarecrows. They're going after their main demographic in a public forum! That would normally be a disastrous business move, but guess what? These creeps absolutely love it.

They think sixteen hearts, ten kissy faces, nine fires, and four presents is a great way for everyone to see you hit on a girl who's just trying her best to avoid getting a yeast infection from buffalo sauce. Remember that classic James Bond line, "fire emoji, rose, purple heart, purple heart, Christmas tree, present." Damn, he's smooth.

I have to hand it to the creators of this desperation dojo-- I'm not sure any restaurant has ever understood its core audience more. A man who comments "Nom nom nom, baby bottle, baby bottle, baby bottle, baby bottle" on a picture of a woman will be happy if someone vaguely adjacent to that woman simply acknowledges he exists. Spitting in his face is genuinely building brand loyalty. Maybe if Geoffrey Giraffe had kicked a few kids in the stomach, Toys R Us wouldn't have gone under.

Imagine suffering through this while being forced to wear a comically tiny hat. These poor waitresses are setting a trap to lure criminals into their workplace. They're being forced to respond "... that's a little weird" to things that are very, very weird. If someone commenting, "I wanna take these dolls to my home…and keep them on a show case" is a little weird, the weird stuff has got to be worse than that.

When they're mentoring the eighteen year olds at work, do they have to say, "Oh yeah, that's Rob. He just wants to display us in his human zoo. He's harmless. It's Gus, the decapitator, who occasionally crosses the line."

This isn't To Catch A Predator, it's We've Already Caught a Predator, and Now We Have To Sell Him a Mushroom Swiss Burger Without Dying. No extreme sportsman has ever endured an eighth of the danger these women do on a Wednesday at work. I can't even imagine the Neptune-sized balls it takes to sling scotch eggs to a tech-savvy grandpa who told you to "keep it warm for daddy" on Facebook the night before. We should be both arming these women and thanking them for their service to our country.

"I bet these girls are raking in the tips, though!" You might be saying. Sure, maybe, if they can survive a night in the pervert palace, they will be handsomely rewarded, but remember all of those lawsuits I mentioned back at the beginning of the article? The restaurant was famously bad at paying people. The reason it sold for just $10 was that it carried around 3.3 million in debt. They were reportedly doing everything they could to get out of paying rent, vendors, and their staff.

Servers and bartenders were ordered to arrive thirty minutes early for work and get ready in the restaurant bathroom, uncompensated. They were also allegedly asked to do promotional events without compensation and were punished with reduced hours if they didn't comply. That means the women in these videos were likely not getting paid to endure this onslaught of emoji based innuendo.

As we all know, the pandemic has ravaged the breastaurant industry. There does seem to be something unhygienic about having that much butt out of your pants while working in food service, and I think we're all a little more aware of that now. Only nine Tilted Kilt locations remain; they had around 80 in 2016. Luckily, one of those nine locations is right in my backyard! I can have Mary Queen Of Tots all day, and I'm the kind of customer who can restrain myself from screaming emojis at the server's chest. Until next week, keep it warm for daddy, everybody!

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