Fucking Day: BDSM Coloring Book

Somewhere in the bowels of Amazon, I discovered the phrase "adult coloring book." Most of the time, these are just fun shapes for adults to color as a meditation exercise. Sometimes, however, adult coloring books are what I pictured when I first heard the phrase, which is a coloring book full of dicks and balls.

Of course, when I discovered this, I knew I would have to report on it for this prestigious website. The adult world of adult coloring books is mostly populated by silly penis and vagina stuff, but there's also a weird subsection of people who, for some reason, want to color pictures of actual murderers who are in prison for the crime of murdering people.

I would call that the dark side of adult coloring books. I don't know why you would want to color a bunch of generic looking white men with bad glasses and also the skulls of their victims, but some people out there love it. I'm talking about you, Rachel.

Of course, I had to find the best representative of the genre for my research to be most effective. I scoured the Internet until I found the very cheapest and most poorly drawn adult coloring book I could. Please feast your eyes upon the vaguely female alluding shapes of BDSM Coloring Book.

As far as I can tell, this particular adult coloring book is no longer for sale, making my copy essentially a collector's edition. I'm pretty sure it was removed from Amazon because the illustrations appear to be taken from a mishmash of artists, and I would venture to say it was procured without paying those artists. What makes me think there may or may not have been some piracy involved in these pictures? I don't know, maybe it was a style choice to make all the pages completely different from each other, and some of them pixelated like they've been poorly blown up, but I doubt it. Also, one of the pages in the book has a lot in common with the cover of another adult coloring book currently still available on Amazon. See if you can spot the similarities!

You might expect most of the pages in this coloring book to have elaborate backgrounds. The point of this kind of thing seems to be to turn your brain off by throwing a bunch of colors and patterns at it. You want a labyrinth of negative space that says "meditative." The pages in BDSM Coloring Book don't always say that. For instance, they might just say butt plug.

The artistic expression of this simple shape is kind of breathtaking. I don't think this picture achieves either of the things BDSM Coloring Book would like it to, though. I feel like everything should either offer a fun coloring experience or make you horny. This is a simple reminder that sex toys exist. There's no coloring challenge here. It's an insult to BDSM coloring books, frankly.

Some pages are about as naughty as writing the words naughty in a sexy font, then surrounding it with candles and maybe some handcuffs or something? Oh shit, that's an actual picture that they went with? Candles, votives, and an adjective associated equally with sex and Dennis The Menace?

A lot of this coloring book might have been created to answer the question: what if Lisa Frank were into bondage? The person who created it might not be 100 percent certain what BDSM is. They skimmed a few paragraphs of Fifty Shades Of Grey, said ew, and then used what they learned to mock up a few fun doodles for their Trapper Keeper. If you told me the person who drew this thought BDSM stood for Big Deal Smoochies Ma'am, I would totally believe you.

There's this excellent montage of sex toys you could find while browsing Spencer's Gifts, and I love that it includes "Super Lube." You know, because for regular sex, you would use normal lube, but for the kind of sex featured in this coloring book, the typical stuff won't cut it. You're going to need the super lube!

By the way, if you Google "Super Lube," you will find a website for industrial machine lubricants, and their mascot will haunt you. He's sexier than anything we've seen in this coloring book so far. No one needed to make the super lube mascot this horny, but they did, and now I give it to you, Internet, and I look forward to the many fan fictions he will inspire. I would color the shit out of this gentleman.

The sex toy montages only get cuter! There's a single, adorable strawberry hidden in this one. You've got so many hearts, heart-shaped nipple tassels, and even a heart-shaped riding crop. Is it just me, or is that gimp mask smiling like it's thrilled to be here. Sure, the kitty cat ears might say they want you to choke on it, but I don't believe them. Those are friendly hugging ears!

Aw, this might be my new favorite coloring book. I took a real risk picking this up; I could have been subjected to some things that might rattle my delicate feminine sensibilities. Luckily, the worst thing in this book is, hang on, let's just do a quick old flipperoony to the back. Oh, oh no. Um, so apparently, this whole book isn't adorable. I tried to edit some of the pictures to make it look like a man enthusiastically patting a small dog, but it did not work. Prepare yourself for some butt touches.

This is closer to what I expected from a BDSM coloring book, minus the cute dog I improved the picture with. I thought it would be something silly, but maybe you could also jerk off to it? Like exercise VHS tapes from the '80s where the occasional nip might pop out. Who's to say what its intended purpose is? It's a plausible deniability machine for shy masturbators who aren't aware that the Internet exists.

Then we swing back into, ok, is this BDSM, though, territory? If this is BDSM, I think I'm in. This coloring book has acted as an effective marketing tool for a new sexual lifestyle for me. If this is supposed to function as a Jehovah's Witness pamphlet for bondage, it has done its job.

Look at this wonderful masterpiece and your next tattoo. I will participate in a lifestyle that involves diamonds raining from the sky. Sounds fun! Osha would probably have something to say about the height of that chandelier, but I'll assume the threat of bonking your head on a chandelier that's far too low heightens the sexual danger.

While I like the idea of all of the gems in this picture, I have to say, having sex on a giant diamond would not be very comfortable. Also, while diamonds raining down from the ceiling does look cool and sexy when you think about it more, isn't that essentially being pelt by pointy rocks? This is a high class stoning. In which case, I guess this picture does contain both the pleasure and pain of BDSM. Yay, diamonds! Ouch, oh no. My boobs are being pelted with emeralds! Yikes, it hurts.

So, if you’ve ever wondered what the inside of a BDSM coloring book looks like, now you know. It’s adorable, not very difficult to color, and may be a sexual awakening for you IF you’ve seen the super lube mascot before. And you have, so you're welcome.

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