The Best Hot Dogs of 2022: Tom Reimann Day π
Added 2022-12-22 13:00:02 +0000 UTCForged by the '90s to be a man of delight and joke density, Gamefully Unemployed's Tom is the star of Tom Day, which is the day today. It's Maximum Tom for a full 24 Toms, which is how you measure time and length on Tom Day.
Best of 2022 Tom Day #1: Wilford Brimley's Hard Target
Do you have any idea how hard it is to be the best part of a John Woo movie where Lance Henriksen hunts a snake-punching Jean-Claude Van Damme with an elephant pistol? A drunk Wilford Brimley achieved it with only a hunting bow and a few Cajun sounds. And Tom rightfully celebrated this achievement.
Best of 2022 Tom Day #2: The Hidden Mustache in Predator
Sometimes a new discovery makes you rethink everything you know about film. The cinematography of The Shining takes on a new meaning when you hear how Stanley Kubrick personally strangled the best boy each morning. Beverly Hills Cop III becomes a deeper experience when you turn on subtitles and every single line says "John Landis killed me." A no less shocking revelation happened here, the time Tom noticed an extra mustache in Predator.
Best of 2022 Tom Day #3: Carnosaur 2
It was right in front of our face all these years, but only Tom saw it. Carnosaur 2 is Aliens! No, fuck you, listen! CARNOSAUR 2 IS ALIENS!!!
Best of 2022 Tom Day #4: The Horny Christian Doom Novelization
It would be ludicrous to read the novelization of the Doom video game. And yet that's what Tom did. And what he discovered was far more horny and religious than anyone could have expected.
Best of 2022 Tom Day #5: Doom - Hell on Earth, A Novel
To read a second novelization of the Doom video game would be unthinkable. A cursed thought. It's something Stanley Kubrick would make an actor do for a movie about finding spiders. And yet that's what Tom did again. And even with you now expecting it to be weirdly horny and religious, it's again far more horny and religious than anyone could have expected.
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Comments
DIE. UH. BEAT. US.
CHAUGGLE
2022-12-23 14:46:15 +0000 UTCTom Reimann gave me an enjoyment of the 90's Warhammer 40k knockoff RPG The Mutant Chronicles. Thanks Tom.
Flippant Sausage
2022-12-22 16:09:56 +0000 UTCAnd Tom all a good Reimann!
Matt Edwards
2022-12-22 15:19:47 +0000 UTCMerry Tommas! ...wait
FancyShark
2022-12-22 14:58:48 +0000 UTCA Tom Reimann article make de jackrabbit slap de bear.
Matt Edwards
2022-12-22 14:51:03 +0000 UTCTruly the most dismaying of circumstances.
Jeff Orasky
2022-12-22 14:17:59 +0000 UTCI don't wish any harm to come to Tom, but I also want another Doom novel article... how shall I best use my Christmas wish?
Jeff Orasky
2022-12-22 14:17:33 +0000 UTCyes i liked all these eccept i did start sayin Sweet Mormon Jesus! alot and then a-course trayton picked up the habit and came home with a note pinned to his shirt from the teacher (who is a latter-day gal) sayin: tell him dont say it at school please so i had to ecsplain to him that these are fierceful words we only say em in times of great dismay like if you lawnmower over that croc you misplaced
sissyneck
2022-12-22 13:45:35 +0000 UTCAccording to prophecy the only thing that can kill Tom Reimann's love of the '90s is a time-traveling Tom Reimann from the 2090s. I think that says a lot about our own lives. Thanks for giving us that to reflect on, Tom.
Brendan McGinley
2022-12-22 13:30:39 +0000 UTC