~Bucky Barnes X Listener SFW: Blank~ {Patreon Exclusive}

Bucky's nightmares aren't infrequent, and they can be more than a little terrifying when he wakes up screaming, but you know he's trying, he really is........

Contains: Nightmares, PTSD, Mental Health, Apologies, Talks of Dissociation(referring it as 'blank' and 'flat' and 'numb'), Anxiety, Pre-Established Relationship, Probably Butchered Russian

To be honest friends I have been feeling Bucky feels for the past couple of weeks lol. My brain decided it was a nice time to hyper fixate on Bucky and Steve and them together so these boys have been bouncing around my head lol. I'm pretty certain I've done Bucky having a nightmare before, but I really wanted to explore a different avenue of him worrying over it. A lot of times with mental health, once we start to get better and find ways to navigate our world, there are parts of us that are still lured in by the numbness of how we used to feel, because what we're working through can cause so much more feeling and it's incredibly stressful. If anyone has experience with that, it's Bucky, so I wanted to explore that. Sorry it's not really a super romantic or really comforting audio....but sometimes I like to do these character explorations, and I hope you all like it too!

~Audio Transcript Below~

*soft breathing*

*heavy labored breathing*

Bucky: *mumbling* помогите мне..... {Pomogite mne......} (Help me......)

*shouting*

помогите мне! {Pomogite mne!} (Help me!)

*harsh panting*

Простите {Prostite} (sorry) X3

*swallows roughly* I'm sorry......I--I didn't mean.......*exhales shakily*

I would say go back to sleep....but I know how useless that would be......I'm sorry I woke you up.......

I remember....but I also don't....at the same time.....besides.....you wouldn't want to hear that......

*pause*

You shouldn't hear it.......

*inhales and exhales shakily*

*swallows*

*long pause*

*inhales sharply*

I--sorry......sometimes.....sometimes I'll go blank or......'flat' is the only way that I can describe it.....when I'm not paying attention.....if I'm not on guard it-.....it almost feels like I'll slip back......into him......

Even though the triggers and the brainwashing.......are all essentially gone.....it doesn't mean that that....state of being.....the memories......they aren't gone.......I remember what it feels like.....to feel like him.....how he....existed.....how he navigated through the world.....the thoughts he had.....the thoughts I had......

I can almost feel it encroaching on me....the....blankness he had.....the.....apathy for everything but the mission at hand.....everything else was unimportant, coincidental......beneath his notice.......

That blankness....that.....flat....numb feeling......is tantalizing sometimes.....because sometimes the blankness is better than the constant anxiety and fear that I'm going to do something horrible....something that I regret......

*pause*

Sick, isn't it? That I can feel myself gravitating towards the one thing I don't ever want to be again, just so that I can stop worrying about it in the first place......

I worry about it so much, combined with the other lovely things my brain decides to show me when I lay down to try to sleep....things half remembered, in such stark detail and such darkness all at the same time......

It's not quite conducive to a good night's rest........

*pause*

*sighs* I'm sorry.....I shouldn't be bringing this up to you in the middle of the night......I'm.....I wouldn't say that I'm....ok.....but....

*pause*

No....I......I didn't lash out at you......

*pause*

You....you do make it easier.......

I don't know what I would do with myself if I ever hurt you......

*pause*

*softly* But what if I do....?

*shaky intake of breath*

You....your presence......it does....center me......just being with you sometimes.....something about it.......

When I'm blank or flat.....or the....cold starts encroaching upon me again.....making it hard to breathe.......you......it's hard to explain....but your person.....your....existence shines bright and cuts through it.......it lights up the darkness that Hydra tried to shroud me in.......

I love you.....and I'm so goddamn scared that I'm going to do something that's going to hurt you or.....worse......but....I'm more scared of being without you......

But I don't want to have to put that all on you.....that's not your responsibility......you're not my therapist.....and I didn't get together with you because I thought you were......

You didn't sign up for sleepless nights, worrying about your partner.....listening to his nightmares and his insecurities about turning back into one of the most deadly assassins in history......

I feel......horrible doesn't even begin to describe what it feels like.......but I feel it when I think about you being affected by this.....by me......I don't want you to always have to deal with the....aftermath......

*pause*

I.....I know it's your decision to.....stay with me and that you're an adult who can make your own decisions.....I'm sorry...it....it probably sounds like I'm trying to convince you that you don't know what you're doing I----

*sniffs* I'm just so worried.......

*shuddered breath*

And I'm trying as hard as I can to get better.......and relax and let my guard down and try to....live.....because in those moments when I'm with you and I can finally.....relax and let go.......it's like....everything else floats away......and I feel the closest to my actual self since.....well.....since before I became....him......

When we're like that.....it's like....the cold and the numbness can't reach me there.......you have so much love and warmth and patience with me, it......I can't help but love and .....feel loved.......you give me.....peace......

Something this Soldier hasn't had in----*breathes* quite some time......

I'm sorry again.....and....I know you don't like it when I apologize but please.......allow me this....for tonight......

I love you.....I care about you more than......I could ever put into words......

I hope you can see that I'm trying....I really am......

I'm trying to get better.......not just for myself.......

But for the both of us.........