sonicether

A personal update: my recent mental health journey

Added 2022-06-28 07:45:47 +0000 UTC

Hey, all! I hope this post finds you doing well!

It's been a long time since you heard from me. Some heavy things have happened in my life that have had a profound impact on my creativity, and I'd like to share what's been going on.

I've talked a bit about some mental health struggles I've had in the past. I would like to open up and share my story in hopes that it may be helpful to someone. I usually don't like to talk about personal stuff, but if sharing my experience has a chance of helping someone, that's a good enough reason for me to do this. If you'd rather not read about such stuff, just know that I've been doing better recently and I'll be sharing news about my creative stuff in another post!

One last disclaimer is that I am merely sharing my story and am not offering any psychological, psychiatric, or medical advice. If you are suffering, seek help, please.

CW: mental illness, anxiety, substance abuse, SI

I have had struggles with my mental health for as long as I can remember. Several traumatic events in a row in the past few years, and I found myself in a really low place. I tried medication, but side effects made me give up on the concept of medication altogether. Having nowhere to turn and being desperate for relief, I started self-medicating with alcohol.

When the pandemic started, things got really bad. I've always been an anxious person, and the pandemic did horrible things to my anxiety. Alcohol became my only escape. I knew that I was poisoning myself and accumulating emotional debt with the habit, I knew that alcohol is no medicine, but I couldn't emotionally afford to think about any of that. I was in agony and willing to do anything to relieve the pain.

This escalated until summer of last year. One morning after a typical bad night of sleep after binge drinking, I had my first panic attack. I decided I had to quit drinking right then and there.

I knew that suddenly removing a coping mechanism wasn't ideal, but I had become afraid of drinking again and having it kill me, especially since I had seen my mother struggle with heart issues from alcohol consumption. I decided to try going to a ketamine infusion clinic, since I had heard good things about how ketamine can help with depression and anxiety. My ketamine experience didn't include therapy, and my set and setting were not right. I was also actively going through a crisis. I believe these factors led to my negative experience with it.

The next few weeks were very bad. I was totally without any coping mechanisms, medical help, or therapy. I felt like I was piloting a plane through a hurricane, requiring constant white-knuckled effort to keep from losing control and spiraling into panic--a battle I was frequently losing. My anxiety went into overdrive. I became afraid to eat, to sleep, or to walk across the room. I was trying to get help but I wasn't being taken seriously. And every day around the time I'd normally start drinking, this indescribable sense of dread and hopelessness would set in and last until I finally fell asleep from exhaustion.

I was fighting for my life and losing. I was far beyond the point of wishing I weren't alive anymore. I was fighting to hold on, but my grip was weakening, and I knew I wouldn't survive another day if I didn't get immediate help. I called a crisis line and was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. The doctor at the hospital prescribed me medications that helped tremendously that were non habit-forming. Mental health care has a long way to go, and there's a lot that could have been much better about my experience in the hospital, but it absolutely saved my life and was the turning point I so desperately needed.

I can't say whether medication and therapy are right for you or anyone else, but they were absolutely right for me. I am still recovering, going to therapy and taking medication, and have stayed away from alcohol.

10 months ago I felt like I had fallen into a hole that I'd never climb out of. My life felt so far from being worth living, I didn't think it was even possible for things to get better. Not only have I climbed out, but I'm healing wounds that I've had my whole life. I'm learning why I fell in and why it was so hard for me to climb out. I'm learning to forgive myself for struggling and to stop being so mean to myself. I'm seeing beauty in life that I couldn't see before. My life isn't just worth living now, it's precious to me, despite being imperfect. I am still recovering, and I've had some setbacks, but I am healthier and happier than I've been in a very long time.

If you find yourself in a dark place, I hope that my story can give you hope that you can heal and things can get better. This pandemic has been a nightmare. It's okay to be struggling, and it's okay to seek help. There's nothing wrong with being in need of psychiatric help. I now look at my situation as me having sustained a serious psychological injury requiring emergency treatment, no different than if I had sustained a serious physical injury. If I hadn't felt so much shame about my mental illness, I may have been able to get the help I needed before things got so bad. I hope that sharing my story can help anyone who might be feeling too ashamed or hopeless to make a move.

I don't even know how express how thankful I am for your support. I can't imagine how much worse things could have gotten if I had to worry about not being able to afford the care that I needed. Also, thank you so much to those who have been so chill and supportive. I hope this offers some clarity as to why I haven't had much to share for a while.

Since things have gotten so much better, I have been able to work a lot more on my creative projects in recent months, and I'll share what I've been working on in the next post!