Hard to work /whining inside/

I’ve been laying in bed for an hour now and I feel like shit. I woke up at 9am from a godawful horrific nightmare involving my bf and couldn’t go back to sleep. 

Last night i pushed everyone outside outside of my bubble and shut down pretty hard, and the two people that mean anything to me I told I wouldn’t be around. 

Truth is I don’t want to be alone but have felt it for a while now and with as horrible as I feel inside it’s not fair to be around my bf or friends like this. I’d rather suffer in my pain alone. My dumb new computer has only been a problem from day one and now it’s tried eating a second gpu and firefox was making me sick with it last night until I was just exhausted and done with it. I don’t want to touch it or look at it whatsoever. Had to put my old Radeon card back in (fine with me whatever). And basically quit ark because it’s too much bullshit to try to play with this pc. 

Speaking of..before all this went down I asked bf if we could play when I got home from work and he said ok, but then was busy with SL shit 2 he’s after I got home. So I waited that length of time then logged off ark. Then when I logged back on all the pc issues started happening and that’s where I just gave up. 

And now i just want to lie here in bed until my work shift. The last two times I was this depressed was losing Silv and when Lily died. Basically saying I feel like the earth has ruptured beneath my feet. I miss the little things. But I guess I’m the scheme of it it’s only been a short while. What rightdo I have to miss things. What right do I have to want something normal and natural..

so I’m going into hiding because I can’t have what I want and I’m not getting what I need, at this point it’s better to just be alone. At least then when I have meltdowns no one has to know. I’ve always hated this about myself. I’ve always hated how attached I get to people I date. 

It eats ke ip because I know the situation. I get it. I understand it. And yet it eats me up regardless because I have morals. And my morals are strong and they scream how wrong it is day in and day out. And everything else around me reminds me I’m jist an outsider no matter what I try to do, I’m not priority #1. Me feeling as horrible as I do isn’t because I’m in the wrong. It’s because my moral compass can’t handle sitting by and being witness/involved in shit that is at the end of the day, really fucked up. So it depresses me and it depresses me and it depresses me until I don’t even want to be around. I may have emotional baggage but at least I don’t play pretend with my ex irl, and do it so well that my current partner feels like a shitty sideshow. 

Vasically, I don’t think I’m going to be around for a while. I may be a mean, opinionated, thick spined individual, but stuff like this is my one weakness. Stuff like this mangles me. It’s so bad now that I don’t even have a sex drive to speak of. Me, the nympho. Just want to curl up in a ball and disappear.