Clouded Soul Ch. 6

Jun lay in his bed, the window of his room covered to block out most of the sun and keep the lighting dim, as even the sunlight hurt his eyes. Each day was agony, and no part of his body was spared from it. The only indication time was passing at all was when his meals were fed to him, or when Huifang or a servant would help him relieve himself. His tutors would come by, but it was a struggle to even follow along with their lessons.

The only thing that held Jun’s attention was the feeling of shooting pain that pounded through him with every beat of his heart. Mercifully, the tutors didn’t try too hard to make Jun work, mostly reading him stories and keeping him company and only asking him the occasional question. Jun didn’t like the way they looked at him.

Their looks of pity hurt almost as much as his body.

In the evenings, his father would sit with him for several hours. These visits were the highlights of his days, though that wasn’t saying much. His father spoke eagerly of his plans to search out a cure for Jun’s condition, but even his father gently stroking his head as he spoke was painful. It took all of Jun’s remaining energy just to try to smile for him.

After dinner came bedtime, when someone would tuck Jun into the same bed he'd already been lying on for the entire day and snuff out the lights. This solitude was all he truly wished for. Jun explored his thoughts and feelings in the night's comforting darkness until he succumbed to exhaustion.

He was only a child, yet he carried so much pain in his heart that understanding it all was impossible.

At first he cried. Or tried to, at any rate. The actual act of crying hurt even more, so before too long the only sign of his sadness was tears that welled up and slid down his cheeks. He didn’t even have the strength to reach up and brush them away.

His tears had countless reasons behind them that changed depending on where his thoughts led him. His mood whipped between the pure, impotent fury of a wronged child, to maddening despair, to fearful anxiety worried over whether or not the pain would ever stop. Jun cried for his father, for his sister, and, when the pain kept him awake deep in the night, even for the mother he never knew.

But the tears, the fury, and the despair took energy, and the pain sapped all his away. Eventually he just lay in bed like a corpse, barely even breathing, as each breath felt like sucking boiling hot water through a tiny straw - a painful struggle each and every time.

He didn't want his father to leave, and he didn't want Huifang to take over the family shop.

Jun wondered if they were secretly ashamed of him now that he was a cripple. He wouldn't blame them. He was ashamed of himself, too. What kind of six-year-old needed his sister's help to do their business in a pan?

This wasn't fair.

This whole world wasn't fair, and no one was doing anything about it. How come a big scary man could just barge into their lives and do what he did, only to go on with his day without a care in the world? His family would never answer him directly when Jun asked if Sasei Li was punished for his actions. The disappointment in their eyes told him all he needed to know.

Every child was taught that their actions carried consequences, but the day they learned the strong were exempt from this fundamental rule of society was often sobering. Some people were simply above the rules- above justice- and Jun hated it, just as he hated the Sasei clan.

If fairness existed in this world, the Heavens would strike each and every last one of those snakes down with righteous lightning. As things stood, Jun knew that wasn't likely to happen.

Jun's father would always try to deflect his questions about the Sasei by telling him to focus on recovery, but that didn't seem likely to happen, either. The boy still couldn't move anything but his head a week later. Jun started to believe the journey his father was about to embark on was pointless. While Ping put on a happy grin and talked up the chances of his success to comfort his son, Jun noticed Huifang was much more reserved regarding his healing.

She always stopped herself from talking too much about it since it was far too soon to tell for sure, but Jun got the impression that Huifang was more of the opinion that he should learn to live with his condition rather than putting his faith in a miracle. That seemed more sensible, but Jun couldn't look at things sensibly. He was in emotional turmoil and could only see himself for what he was in the present moment, not what he could be.

Right now, Jun was a cripple whose future was stolen. The man who took it from him had gotten away with it, and if all that wasn't bad enough, his family would be leaving him, too. Jun couldn't find a lot of reasons to be hopeful, and it ate away at him as the night languished on until sleep claimed him at long last.

It spat him out into another day indistinguishable from the one before, with the only significant difference being that today was the day Jun's father was setting off.

He and Huifang entered Jun's room in the early morning so Ping could say his goodbyes. Jun was as distant as ever, but he couldn't hide his disappointment and wore it on his sleeve whether he liked it or not. Even the comical sight of his portly father wearing humble traveling clothes instead of fancy silks did nothing to improve his mood.

He looked like a nobleman who'd been stripped of his lands and assets but hadn't yet lost the weight. There was even an ordinary dagger hanging from his stash, which looked entirely out of place when carried by one so harmless.

"Today is the day, Jun," Ping took in a deep breath and stood at the foot of his son's bed with his hands on his hips. "I will be departing shortly, and I won't rest until I've found someone who can help you."

"I wish you luck, Father," Jun forced a smile. "Though I wish you would stay with me a little longer."

"Sorry, Jun. I've said as much myself a thousand times over, but this stubborn mule claiming to be our father refuses to listen to reason..." Huifang sighed.

Ping took the insult in good humor, grinning and stroking his stache. "Hey, hey! You're not looking at the big picture, children. The longer we wait to do something about your damaged Core, the harder it will be to fix it. Best to treat the wound while it's still fresh, yes?"

"I guess so..." Jun nodded, though his father picked up his thoughts and approached the boy.

"Jun, what's wrong?" He frowned and sat beside his son, the child's bed creaking under his weight. "I know this may seem sudden, but I'm doing this for your sake. By the Heavens, everything I've done since becoming a father has been to give the two of you better lives than I could've ever dreamed of living when I was your age."

Ping gently placed his hand over Jun's heart and kept it there, his smile growing. "It is the duty of a parent to sacrifice all that they have for their children and to do it without a moment's hesitation. I hope you'll remember that when you grow up and have kids of your own one day, Jun."

Jun stared into his father's brown, tender eyes and felt something other than numbness or pain for the first time since his awakening. He felt his father's love, and then he felt foolish for ever having doubted his intentions. Tears started welling up in his eyes, and his nose began to run, prompting a sniffle.

"Jun?" Huifang came closer in case her assistance was required.

Jun remained focused on his father, asking, "I... I thought you were ashamed of me... that you were leaving because you didn't want to take care of me anymore..."

"What?" Ping stared incredulously and then laughed. "Jun, good gods, no! Where on earth did you ever get that idea?"

"I wonder?" Huifang patted her father's shoulder. "Could it be that you neglected to listen to Jun's feelings in your frenzied rush to save him?"

Ping hung his head in shame and nodded, conceding the point. "I'm sorry if my actions gave you any doubt, my boy. Truly. The only reason I'm going on this journey in person is because I don't trust anyone but myself to convince the stubborn Soul Refiners I'll be meeting up with to come and give you aid."

"Oh..." Jun took in his father's words and believed him, but it wasn't the only doubt he carried. He glanced at his sister, fear and nervousness in his eyes. "Then, um... what about Huifang and the store?"

Huifang almost felt offended at the suggestion, but when she reminded herself he was only six years old and struggling to comprehend his current lot in life, she understood why he would feel so abandoned.

Giving Jun her gentlest smile, Huifang told it like it was. "I stayed by your side every day for a month, Little Brother. I fed you by hand, cared for your needs, and never once gave up hope that you would return to us. Just because I'll be gone during the day as I try and keep this luxurious roof over our heads doesn't mean I'll love you any less."

"So... you're not taking over the shop because you're getting tired of taking care of me...?" Jun asked innocently.

"Of course not!" Huifang teasingly scoffed. "You couldn't stop me from looking after you even if you tried, Jun. I'm your sister, and I will always be your sister."

If Jun had felt like a fool before, it was now twice as bad. He bit his lip and cried harder, but the tears didn't flow as hard as they could've, thanks to the love and support of his family. For once, he could bear the pain of crying.

The boy struggled to express himself, searching for the right words, which proved an insurmountable task. In the end, Jun could only blubber, "I'm so sorry, Father, Big Sister. I... I never should have-"

Huifang sat on the opposite side of Jun's bed and took his hand in hers. "It's all right, Little Brother. If it's any relief, I'm not thrilled about this, either. I don't believe I'm ready for the responsibility, and I'd much rather continue to care for you, but alas..."

"You'll do just fine," Ping insisted. "All you need is a little confidence, girl! Confidence! I've been teaching you how to run the store since you were his age, and I never hear anything but the highest praise from your tutors. Consider this your trial by fire."

"I'm the daughter of a wealthy merchant, Father," Huifang laughed sarcastically. "I'd rather not go through a trial at all."

Ping joined her in laughter, and even Jun was able to dredge up a sincere grin. For a brief moment, everything was as it should be. The boy was with his family, spirits were high, and the specter of Jun's trauma was pushed out of his mind long enough to enjoy everyone's company.

Taking advantage of the better mood, Ping explained more details about his upcoming journey to Jun.

"At the very longest, I don't expect to be gone for longer than a year. I will be making many stops during that time to speak with my contacts, and they'll likely send someone to visit our home after I've done so. Naturally, you are to treat these visitors as honored guests and spare no expense in serving them."

"No expense, Father?" Huifang gave him a funny look. "Your journey isn't paying for itself."

Ping laughed at the frugality of his daughter. "Right you are, right you are! Rest assured, aside from my protection, I'll be cutting costs in every department. I won't be sticking around each destination for long, but I'll keep up to date with things back here by sending plenty of messages. If one of the Soul Refiners I send home successfully fixes you up, I'll turn back around immediately and return."

Jun contemplated what a whole year without his father would even look like. This wasn't the first time Ping had gone on extended business trips, but those only lasted a month or two at most. A year was almost unthinkable to the young boy. He loved his father dearly despite the doubts he'd only just worked past, and his absence would be sorely missed. Jun resisted the urge to cry again, wanting to appear stronger than he was.

Then, as a further show of strength, Jun asked a question whose answer had the potential to terrify him.

"Father, may I ask you something?"

"Certainly! Curiosity is a virtue, my boy. Don't let anyone tell you it's anything but."

"I appreciate that you've been trying to raise my spirits since I woke up, but... treating me like a kid isn't making me feel any better. It's belittling and humiliating, and I already feel humiliated enough as it is."

Ping took a moment to process his son's words as Huifang shot him a very obvious look that screamed, 'I told you so'. A bead of sweat dripped down his forehead, and he looked askance.

"How likely is it that you'll actually succeed?"

Taking a deep breath to calm his nerves, Ping buckled down to say it like it was. Jun had a point. Shame filled his belly as he considered how his sunny disposition might've only worsened things.

"Things certainly are not in your favor," Ping sighed. "But I've gambled on much worse odds and came out on top every single time, Jun. So long as there's even a sliver of a chance that I might succeed, this journey is worth taking."

The depth of his father's love washed over Jun like a warm, all-enveloping shroud. Hearing the truth helped ease his burdens more than he expected it would. Jun felt respected for the first time since his awakening and was grateful beyond belief. It also put into perspective how far his father was willing to go for his sake. Ping wasn't just talking big when he said he was ready to sacrifice everything he had for his children. He meant every word of it.

"Thank you, Father," Jun bit his lip and fought a losing battle to push back against the oncoming tears. "Thank you for everything..."

Things weren't going to magically get better. Jun would remain trapped in his bed for the foreseeable future, perhaps even for the rest of his life, but he had a family who loved him. Though the world wasn't fair and Sasei Li remained at large, that would have to be enough.

After another hour and one tear-filled goodbye later, Ping set off on his journey with an escort of Clouded Adepts to fight against the whims of fate, leaving his two children behind.