Good Morning...

I don’t know if it’s the seriousness of everything happening in the world or if I’m just getting older and my perspectives and priorities are changing but it’s been difficult to get in the mindset of photographing myself.

I went to the doctor yesterday (routine well check for work) and weighed myself for the first time since last year when I went in for my annual check up. 201 pounds. Last year I was 185. For the first time ever in my life history I did not feel ashamed or embarrassed about my weight. I’ve always put on a brave face about it but rarely felt ok with it because there is so much shame around body weight and image. I think a gift that quarantine has given me is the ability to look at my body in a different way. This is a time where a lot of people find themselves packing on extra weight. I am no different. At the beginning of quarantine I was 185 pounds, now 201.

Living in a world that constantly reminds you that you’re not good enough, not fit enough, not not thin enough, not rich enough, smart enough, not famous enough, just not enough. Living in that world is exhausting. Unhealthy. Uninviting. And most of all, unnecessary. I’ve noticed since I went off of social media over a month ago, my perspectives have shifted a lot. A lot of the times that I’ve spent feeling bad about myself were a response to what I was seeing on social media, TV, movies etc. But primarily social media. I think that I have enjoyed this month off of social media so much that I will never return. Fortunately I have people to do that job for me so there’s no need to return. But since I’ve had this time away I’ve realized what social media has meant to my life.

It’s been a great opportunity for me to keep up with my other performer friends and for me to see pictures of family and friends from far away that I don’t get to talk too much. But it also made it easy for me to give excuses. It made it easy for me to check up on my social circle but not really engage with them. It gave me the opportunity to see what they’re up to hide behind a screen and push the like button and leave it at that. Leaving social media has made me much more responsible for my social circle. It’s held me accountable to actually reaching out to people and having conversations. And it’s giving me an incredible opportunity to just fucking love myself. To accept myself the way that I am. I used to dread the idea of gaining extra weight because I knew how much social media would drag me for it. Now as I lay in bed and look down at a nice full set of breasts, thick thighs and my round belly, I finally feel at home in my skin.

I’m finally beginning to understand that no matter what my body looks like, it is my own. It’s my temple. I don’t need to put on a brave face about my insecurities. I just need to stop amplifying them by looking at a social tool designed to sell me a different, new and improved version of myself.

Social media was absolutely 100% created to sell me a better version of myself. It’s created to convince me that my life, my clothes, my car, my home, my body, my family and my friends are not enough. It is designed to sell me the idea that with new clothes, a new house, a new car, a new set of friends, a smaller ass, a concave belly, a sexier life, Will make me happier. It’s a lie.

It’s the worst kind of lie.

I realize that I am in a privileged position where I can walk away from social media and let somebody else do that work for me and I appreciate that. I realize not everybody can do that. Many of us especially sex workers and striptease artists are beholden to social media to make our money. My position is different because of my job with Pickers. I understand that. If you absolutely cannot walk away from social media, therapy is important. It’s important to make sure that you block and delete people who are unhealthy for you mentally. People who trigger that voice in your head that says that you’re worthless and you’re nothing, those people have to go. Some of them will be best friends, some of them will be family members, some of them will be work mates. Those people have to go on social media. It’s important to maintain your mental health and your physical health above all else. If you don’t have your mental and physical health, you cannot enjoy monetary wealth.

Create a soft place for your heart. Offer a soft place for others. Support your loved ones and Love them for who they are. Stop trying to get them to diet. Stop trying to get them to make changes to make you feel more comfortable. That only reinforces the idea that you yourself are not OK as you are. Stop trying to fix other people for your comfort so that you can have some ghost of an idea that perfection is just around the corner. Perfection doesn’t exist, we all know that. Its all projections of our own insecurity when we try to control what other people look like.

It’s OK to have stretch marks, it’s OK to have dimples on your ass, it’s OK to have a crooked smile and crooked teeth, it’s OK to have troubled skin or fat on your body. It’s even beautiful to have these things. These are realities of life. Allow people to be who they are. Allow them to love who they are. Allow yourself to do the same. I say this to myself every day.

In full disclosure, there are many times where I see people who have issues in their life that I have fixed in my own and I want to help them fix those issues. But I’m just projecting my insecurities onto them. They don’t need to fix those issues, and they’re not even necessarily issues until I insert my opinion and make them an issue. Sometimes it’s best just to allow things to be. Be beautiful, be strong, be fat, be thin, deep broke, be rich, be mediocre, be extravagant, be flamboyant, be over the top, be a plain Jane, just fucking be. And enjoy what that means for you. We’re all designed differently. We need to stop trying to make other people be what we think we should be.

Trust me and believe me, by doing that we are projecting that judgment onto ourselves and by judging ourselves we are projecting that judgment on to other people. Just be.

This morning felt nice. I was just being.

This morning just felt calm and peaceful and the lighting and the angles felt nice so I thought I would just do a Little morning photo set for you. Not because I have to but because I want to. All 201lbs of me💗