Road Dog Diaries

What a long strange trip it’s been… Yet again…

I woke up this morning at 11 AM here in Puerto Rico. My flight came in at 12:50 AM in Aguadilla PR, about 30 minutes drive from my home in Rincon. It’s been a gnarly two days travel to get home.

Haley, my manager and spirit sister, told me that I needed to stay at the hotel and rest and take a long trip home instead of taking the one day banger trip because I was too sick. I stayed an extra day in Albuquerque New Mexico at Chaco hotel and loaded myself up with vitamins. I could hardly get out of bed even to go to the bathroom because my body was so exhausted from being on the road for two weeks trying to fight this creeping crud.

When I realize that I could not make it home because I was too sick and I didn’t have the strength I just laid in bed and cried the entire time. We broke up the travel in two days because I think Haley and I both knew I could not make that travel in one day feeling the way I felt and I didn’t want to take my germs back to Puerto Rico with me and infect everybody on the plane So I waited for the fever to pass in my hotel room.

Once the fever broke, I boarded a flight to Dallas and waited overnight there just to make sure I had my strength for the next leg of the journey. My sleep in Dallas was definitely not restful. I got maybe three hours of sleep because I was so homesick and I had nightmares all night, horrifying nightmares. I have these kind of nightmares often because of childhood fears of Armageddon and the end of the world. This is why I hate religion… But I suppose when you are sick you get stress dreams no matter what.

I’m going to be very open about something. My dreams were so vivid and so terrifying that I actually pissed my pants... like a baby.... I woke up in a cold sweat and I was pissing myself because I was so scared. This is something I definitely need to speak with my therapist about. this is something that has happened to me twice since the earthquakes started in Puerto Rico. But the other time I wasn’t asleep..... the earthquake hit and it scared me so bad that I Peed my pants. There’s a lot of mental healing that needs to be done obviously from my childhood and I’m working on that. But I’ve never experienced this before so two times in two months is a lot! This tells me that I need help for it. I try to listen to my body and my mind when I see that they are not acting right.

This is why I don’t sleep. The bad dreams don’t stop. I’ve had them since I was little, they’ve never gone away, but as soon as I started dating Jeremy, they slowed way down. I don’t have them as often or as intense anymore So imagine my surprise waking up to find myself that terrified in a hotel room, alone.

I try my best while I’m out on the road to prioritize my health. Especially my mental health. I knew I started to feel something slip when I was at dirty show Detroit. Sometimes the stress of the travel will force what I call “mental fissures”. While I was a dirty show Detroit, After performing two nights in a row, no sleep with very emotionally charged days and nights, I felt a crack start to form in my psyche. What does it feel like when Danielle has a bipolar meltdown?

It feels like my body is possessed. It feels like I’m not feeling my own emotions. I feel completely disconnected yet I can’t stop crying. I will sometimes cry for two days straight with no break. I cry until it hurts, I cried until I throw up, but I’m not even sad. My brain is just malfunctioning and there’s something wrong with the chemicals in my body. I can rationalize that I’m OK and then I’m in a safe place and there are people around me who love me and will take care of me it just doesn’t appear that I can rationalize that from the outside because, while my brain understands that I will get through this, my body doesn’t. I experience this almost every time I’m on the road. At some point or another the cracks form and I have to pull away for a little while to go and either cry or laugh hysterically. It can go either way the crying and the laughter both hurt. They don’t feel good, they’re painful to my body because I can’t stop it. What helps me the most is Finding a quiet space, turning off the lights, creating a soft environment and laying flat on my back with a bolster underneath my bra strap and allowing my heart to open for some reason it relaxes what I can only describe as a laughter or crying spasm. That’s the only way I know how to explain it. But this passive stretching opens up my chest and opens up my heart and allows me to breathe through the pain. No it’s not like the Joker… It’s something different. But I definitely felt compassion while watching that movie Because I do understand how that feels. Yes my crying and laughter can be disruptive to others and can be considered rude or sarcastic because it happens at very inappropriate times. If I’m nervous, if I’m stressed out, if I’m scared, if I’m sick. It’s like a complete mental meltdown but I’m still in here even though nobody can see me in here I’m still in here and I’m still fighting even though it looks like I’m not.

I lay in this relaxed passive stretch position for about 20 minutes and then I move on to other passive stretches to help relax my body and my mind. It’s helps me. My second bipolar Fisher was experienced at the airport in Dallas on the morning that I was supposed to come back to Puerto Rico, yesterday morning. It hit so hard that I couldn’t control it and it caused my body to react in painful and embarrassing ways. (The most difficult thing is walking through an airport and people trying to take pictures of me or asking me to sign autographs or wanting to talk to me about American pickers when this is happening. Because my brain doesn’t understand how to control my reactions. My face is very expressive and I can’t hide my emotion so often times people think I’m just crazy or I’m a bitch. Neither of the case. I’m smart as a fucking whip and I’m kind but sometimes my body won’t allow my face to express kindness in that moment. It was a very difficult day of travel with a lot of people wanting to take photos while I was crying. I get used to it, it’s not a big deal usually. And if it is I can normally find a Bathroom stall and try to get as much of the Chemically charged emotion out within a few minutes as I can before I have to go in public again. As you can imagine it’s exhausting beyond measure. Finally I was able to board my flight to Aguadilla and I saw hopeful. I just kept thinking about waking up to the beautiful sunshine I’m putting my body in the water and just let it baptize me with hope, security and love and peace. That’s what I have here hope, security, love and peace. That’s what the water provides for me that’s what the island provides for me. It allows me to rest mentally so that I can go back and do my job for two weeks on the road. I boarded my flight and I was sandwiched in between two people. There was a lady to my right and a man to my left. The man to my left fell asleep right away and kept encroaching on my seat leaning towards me taking up half of my space and I could not handle it. I kept pushing him back over and every time he would wake up and look at me like he was angry and I would just stare him. I couldn’t control my emotion I couldn’t hide how irritated I was that the fucking dude had zero respect for my space or my well-being. And he made it clear. I just kept thinking… Good luck with that mentality on this island. He obviously wasn’t from here. That’s not really how people who are from here act.

I survived the four hour flight by watching Narcos Mexico like Mike recommended while I was on the road with him. I had already watched the previous Narcos and fell in love with it. What an incredible series! I’m so thankful that I had something to preoccupy my mind during the four hour flight.

Obviously I was quite congested so I had an incredible amount of pain in my ears as the flight was landing but I’ve learned how to deal with that. I just always have tissues with me and I blow my nose when my ears start to hurt like that. Finally we were desending! As the pressure built in my ears and the pain increased, my heart swelled with tears at the thought of touching the ground and being back home. The plane touchdown and in true Aguadilla Puerto Rican fashion, everybody started cheering and clapping. I knew I was home!

My heart was about to rip out of my chest. I just wanted to smell the air and feel the warmth even though it’s night time. It felt like it would take an eternity to exit the plane. Finally, I got off the plane, made it through to grab my luggage which was heavy as hell. I walked down the street to meet Jeremy‘s car because the line is always so long at the airport for car pick up and then I saw his car. I ran out in the middle of the street I threw my bags in the car I got in the car I smoked a bowl , I kissed Jeremy and told him how much I missed him, yes in that order. He understands, trust me!

We had a beautiful drive home. I could tell that he made a playlist for me even though he didn’t tell me he did. And it was so sweet because when Fleetwood Mac came on I realize that five years ago at that exact time we were just finishing up the Fleetwood Mac concert and I invited them back to my house. We laid in my bed and ate pizza and watched Mr. Rogers and Bob’s burgers and just cuddled until we both fell asleep. It was such a beautiful and sweet and innocent night. I knew that’s what my life would be with him. Beautiful and sweet and innocent even though everybody else saw him as a wild child, partier, mayor of Chicago nightlife figure.

But what he’s given me are All of the things that he displayed to me on that night. I had always known him as Jeremy the lovable asshole that can get you tickets to anything and it’s super fun to hang out with but parties like a motherfucker.

The last five years he has shown me the beauty in myself every day. It’s not always been easy. Obviously there have been obstacles and addictions and issues to overcome but we’ve worked through it together. He has never given up on me. I don’t know if that means we have some unhealthy codependent relationship or if that means we have the best relationship in the world. From day to day it fluctuates like all relationships do. But to come home to somebody that does not give up on me and sees innocence in me and embraces it fully, cherishes it it’s so good for my mental health.

Finally we pull up to the house, I got out and saw my beautiful plants outside. Joyce had come every other day while I was gone to water my plants and check on them. I love her so much for this! My plants are my life here, my plants and my animals and Jeremy these are the things that make me happy here.

When I come home and my plants have died because they’re sad that I’m gone I always get a little bit depressed. It was so wonderful to come home and see that my plants were so healthy and taken care of it made me feel hopeful that within The next couple of days I would also feel strong and healthy and taken care of.

Now please don’t get me wrong, Mike takes very good care of me on the road, the crew is incredible! All of them understand my bipolar disorder and all of them understand my need to take a lot of self-care. Everyone on the crew is so thoughtful and if I am sick, they stop everything to make sure that I’m OK. I really try not to show when I’m feeling unhealthy because people get very concerned. I’m extremely fortunate to have the nurturing relationships in my life that I do. Mike would stop the world for me if he thought I was sad or uncomfortable, but there’s no place like home. Now, in two days when my bipolar disorder has hopefully calmed down and I’m feeling stronger I’ll write more about my two weeks on the road and what went on at dirty shell and the adventures that Mike and I experienced but for now, I can only handle writing this much.

When we got home Jeremy had Rancho Carbone express ribs and chicken and Pinchos waiting for me along with Dove ice cream bars and the kind of Perrier I like. He had also bought me the most beautiful presents, a signed Sally Rand photograph with documentation of the fan that I just purchased of hers. And this incredible little Gypsy Rose Lee book, again, in a couple of days after I have decompressed I will show you photos of them. They’re incredible!

I was So busy and sick on the road I didn’t even have a chance to get him an anniversary present. My hope was to get him something incredible while I was gone pickin but, there was just nothing for him. He didn’t even care. It didn’t matter to him that I didn’t get him a gift. He just hugged me and loved me and took me to bed and the night ended beautifully.

I got to sleep with my head on his chest and feel his warmth next to me through the entire night. It was the best gift I could’ve ever gotten. It’s so difficult to be on the road for two weeks and not have his affection but, we make it through. We find affection in little ways everywhere we can to supplement, we have wonderful friends who offer love and affection while we’re away from each other. We have created a strong support system both in Puerto Rico and out on the road so neither of us have to be starved for love while we’re away from each other but there’s nothing like the real thing. There’s nothing like laying in the arms of somebody who cares for you and sees the beauty and the best in you. I’m so thankful for that. I woke up this morning at about 11 AM felt like I got hit by a truck but I went out and watered my plants and spent some time with my beautiful Blonde pitbull Muriel. I cuddled in bed with my cats. Now I’m gonna smoke another bowl and try to sleep some more. I’m not gonna leave the house today because just in case I don’t wanna get anybody else sick. But tomorrow, I will hit the beach and drinking all of the sunshine.

I know there’s a lot of stigma around mental health and I know that it can sometimes cause feelings of shame but remember, sometimes it’s OK to not be OK. We don’t have to be perfect all the time like the images we see on social media. We are each different and we each have our own struggles. Be patient with yourself, be soft with yourself, be kind with yourself. How do you work through mental illness? If you don’t have mental illness then how do you work through your stress? What are your favorite Coping skills? Sometimes they’re healthy, sometimes they’re not. And that’s OK too, we’re all just learning. But how do you cope?