Dead Tired

And good morning world! It is 9:32 AM I found my way to my hotel room at about 3:30 AM. After a great post dirty show nightcap with my dear ones from Chicago Lilly Rascal and Eva LaFeva. It was so great to catch up. I slept for 2 1/2 hours then woke up and watched “horse girl” on Netflix for breakfast… this is an incredibly poignant and important show for people who struggle with mental illness. It is also a story of an person struggling with mental health in an acute state. Incredible show! I get it a little too well. But you know what, reality is just reality… Reality is nothing more than an opinion. Reality doesn’t exist in any kind of serious or fixed way, we simply all agree on the same reality so that we don’t kill each other. Anyhow.... I Took a nice hot bath and reflected on the evening. Before you ask, no I never sleep. I try and I try and I try but sleep eludes me until I have completely worn myself down and then I sleep for multiple days. I have struggled with sleep my entire life. As a child I would have the most horrifying dreams of Armageddon and apocalyptic nightmares, natural disasters. Since I can remember I have had dreams of tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunami‘s, on and on and on. Therefore I do not often embrace sleep because my sub conscience fucks with my head too much in the process so I find very restful awake times. It’s all part of growing up as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, the nightmares never stop. There are times that I do get relief from it, especially if I happen to be at home with Jeremy in my safe space. To counteract the intensity and seriousness of my dream world, I have as much fun as I can in my awake world. Which is why I travel around the world and perform. It is the ultimate sense of liberation and freedom. Keeping a balance is very important. I will try to get a nap in before I perform tonight because if I don’t, the sleep deprivation can become pretty intense. I have learned to take time and breathe, meditate (honestly, I hate to say meditate because it sounds so cheesy and I don’t actually know if that’s what I’m doing although it feels like I probably am.) it is imperative for me to force myself to lay down and rest for at least one hour a day even though I probably won’t fall asleep, I breathe deeply in and out and lay in passive stretching positions so that I can become in touch with my body and remember the importance of caring for myself. It’s difficult to do this every day because my days are so full with activity but even if it’s on the floor of an airport or in a lobby or green room I can be found laying on my back with my coat rolled up as a bolster between my shoulder blades. No, I have no shame. I don’t care where I am, it doesn’t matter. If I’m feeling overwhelmed, that’s usually the position I find myself in 🤣 imagine that... I could be in the middle of a museum, I wouldn’t care if it’s the thing that causes me relief from anxiety or panic, I will find a place I will take care of myself and I will move forward. So since I’ve had no sleep, or very little sleep in days, this is probably just going to be a rambling rant. I’m going to just assume that everyone on here is OK with that because I have very little filter right now until I get some actual rest. Yay! Bipolar life!!!!🎉🎉🎉 but really, it can be very tricky to maneuver in a world where your reality does not match the standard reality that is acceptable. But there are millions of us out there, I see you, I know you see me. This is where we meet to heal together. Thank you for healing with me

❤️🥰❤️🙏❤️