Building Community

I’ve had a few messages asking how I found my coven, and how I’ve been able to build queer community. Here is a detailed answer to this very good question:

I started seeking out a community more than 15 years ago, so it’s important to remember that what I have now is the result of so much effort and time and wilfulness. It doesn’t happen over night, and you have to put in the effort to build the kinds of connections you aspire to have. 

 At first I found people online through kink, poly or queer apps and websites. This was late 2008, I went on a lot of coffee and drink dates and got to know some local people, the places they congregated, the circles they were a part of. I said yes to invites to parties, munches and club nights. I learned a lot about what I wasn’t interested in… like the hotel orgy my husband and I walked out of last minute because the organizer introduced himself as Wolf and we couldn’t take him seriously. In the beginning there were more stories like that than there were good matches. (But there were some good matches, and so many new experiences.) I learned that there is a lot of weeding-out when you are trying to find “your people”. 

Eventually, in 2010 I said yes to a backyard bbq party for young sexually adventurous folks. I met a group of awesome queer babes I really liked hanging out with, and I LOVED being able to talk about these experiences with other people who understood. It really did change my world to be surrounded by other people who were making up their own rules and living authentically. 

As I spent more time with this group I made connections, grew a lot of friendships and found people I admired. I started my Tumblr blog that same Summer, and it connected me to all kinds of beautiful people from around the world who feel the same way I do. It gave me space to talk about the complexities and nuances of non-monogamy and kink and relationships. It gave me the queer and non-monogamous representation I’ve always craved. I could find porn that looked like the sex I was having, I could talk to other people all across the planet having similar kinds of sex, living similar kinds of free lives. 

Through Tumblr friends and flirtations I travelled to New York to attend events there. These trips were peeks into a world I always hoped existed, and the events broadened my understanding of what sex and kink events could be. I went to black-tie high-protocol cocktail kink parties, grungy casual basement-of-a-club kink events with queer porn projected on the grimy walls, fancy hotel sex parties with art installations and games, a mid-afternoon “girls only” event with baking and beatings. I met people who threw high-concept events where everyone who attended was assigned a costume, or a role. It was eye-opening.

Since I couldn’t find the kinds of parties I dreamed of attending in my own city, in 2015 I decided to throw my own events. The guest list was made up of lovers, partners and friends I’d met along the way. I invited that cute couple I had zero chemistry with when we went out for dinner, I invited my husbands fuck-buddy and her boyfriend, I invited a photographer friend from tumblr and he brought some cute friends. By that point a handful of people from my vanilla life started opening up about their similar interests, telling their truths after seeing me live mine, so I invited them too. And the first party was a blast. And they just got better and better. And people who had a good time would tell their friends, and they’d come too next time. 

In 2018 I started focusing specifically on sapphic and queer events. These were the communities that rose to meet me in my quest for safe fun kink spaces.

Throwing co-ed parties had a constant challenge: dealing with male guests who were over-stepping, having consent issues, being insensitive, or making people uncomfortable. In spite of being a consent-forward female-led space with plenty of teaching moments and rules in place, these issues were pretty pervasive. Most events had an infraction, though usually small it left a bad taste.

Yes, there were several men who attended who were great, well mannered and sexy, but then there was the dude who negotiated a flogging with O and then proceeded to go way beyond what they’d discussed without checking in. There was the dude who was so rude to his girlfriend we all felt bad for her. There was the dude who made a disgusting joke about slapping a stripper, or the dude was made shitty transphobic comments, or the dude who kept loudly directing all the women as if the whole night was for his own enjoyment. There was the “where’s my hug” guy. There were several dudes who had too much to drink and couldn’t behave. It took so much of the joy out of the party having to keep a watchful eye, and also knowing some of my guests couldn’t relax in that environment.

It’s important to note that since we limited our events to women and non-binary folks in 2018 we have only had one such issue in 6 years. (A new attendee had too much to drink because she was nervous, and had to be chaperoned back to her home.)

That’s how this little community came to be, we’re still growing and evolving. It takes a lot of effort trying to get everyone together, but it’s always worth it. It’s incredible what can happen when you give a group of kinky babes a safe space where they can let their guard down.

Use your intuition. Reach out. It takes time to build anything great. If you find a place you feel safe in go back, talk to people there, volunteer to help out, lend a hand, help it thrive and grow.

Photos from the 11th Sapphic Slumber Party (Detour Edition): Beth, Anna (knitting!), Heart and a happy pile of shoes by the door.