NEWFOUND HAPPINESS - PART 12

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Part 12: Clarifying Emotions

That afternoon, Tracy came home with flushed cheeks. With just a fleeting glance, Hallie had already sensed something, but she only watched Tracy go upstairs and gave a faint smile. After all, she had been through, and was still going through, that very feeling. Never before had she felt so alive in love as she did now; like a young girl experiencing her first romance.

Of course, Turner had been through a few relationships before taking things further with Naya. But… surely the feeling of love must be different for a man and a woman! When she was still Turner, she had always been the one to take the initiative in love. But now, living as Naya, she… well, perhaps in bed with her husband, she was still the one to take the lead, but the feeling was different, she felt like the one being loved.

As for Tracy, she was deeply confused. You must understand, the feeling inside her now was as if the ideal she had long clung to had come crashing down. She had always believed herself to be a man, forced by circumstances to live in the guise of a woman. All she wanted was for life to pass by peacefully, to do what she loved, and in doing so, make amends for the suffering she had endured. But reality was tearing that belief apart, as she realized she had begun to fall for a man.

Not to mention, at this moment, she felt more like Tracy than ever before. She no longer truly separated the two selves, Bastian and Tracy. Now, she was simply Tracy, with nearly eighteen years of Bastian’s memories. She lay on her back on the bed, one hand draped across her forehead to hide her blushing face, because she realized that “that part” of her was trembling uncontrollably beneath as well.

It was embarrassing to admit, but Bastian had never dated any girl in all those years, nor had she ever had sex as a man, because she had always felt insecure about her circumstances. In other words, the emotions and states of love she had experienced throughout her life had only ever been those of a woman. The first person she ever loved, without a doubt, was a man, a guy two years her senior at university, the president of the student council.

Suddenly, Tracy received a message. She secretly hoped it wasn’t Tamir, but at the same time, she hoped it was. And it was indeed Tamir who had messaged her. He sent a shy Qoobee sticker. Then, the three little dots kept appearing and disappearing, showing that he was typing and erasing, unsure whether to send his message or not. The whole process made a love-struck Tracy so nervous she could faint.

At last, the message came, “Well… tomorrow’s Sunday, students have the day off, and according to the schedule, our student council is supposed to continue preparing for the workshop. But as you know, the incident earlier today needs a professional cleanup crew and will take a few days, so we’ll have a break too. Would you like to… hang out with me? I know this invitation might feel a bit sudden, especially right after I confessed to you and told you not to rush your answer. But… yeah, that’s pretty much it. If it makes you uncomfortable, feel free to say no!”

Tracy began typing a reply immediately. In her head, she thought, “No, I’m not uncomfortable at all, I really want to go with you,” but for some reason, the message she ended up sending was, “Is your leg okay?”

Tamir replied right away, “It still hurts a little, but it’s okay. I just… don’t want to waste a weekend day staying at home.”

Tracy thought for a moment, then replied, “Yes, that sounds good!”

“Great! Then let me come to your place, okay? Don’t come over here, what if those thugs show up again and cause trouble on the way?”

“Okay…”

After sending that last message, Tracy suddenly realized what she had just done. Oh no! Had she been too hasty? She had no idea what one was supposed to do, or prepare, when going out with a guy. What was she supposed to do now?

She rushed to her wardrobe and began tearing through it. Clearly, she had plenty of clothes, yet she had no idea what to wear. The feeling was exactly like those first days when she had just become Tracy, a feeling that had long since faded after she’d grown used to life as a girl. And now, suddenly, it had come rushing back.

She ran her fingers through her hair in frustration, then realized another problem, her hairstyle. She had always worn it down, long and simple, whether at home or out and about. Of course, no one had ever called her unattractive, but now, all of a sudden, that hairstyle felt far too plain.

Not knowing what else to do, she finally knocked on her mother’s door. Her mother opened it right away, a smile already on her lips, “What is it, my sweet girl?”

Tracy stammered, unable to form a complete sentence, “It’s just that… I… tomorrow I’m going out… hanging out… actually it’s more like… a student council meeting… so it’s kind of like… well…”

Mom placed a hand on her shoulder, “Alright! You don’t need to explain. You want me to help you get pretty, don’t you?”

Tracy lowered her head in embarrassment, “Yes…”

Hallie chuckled to herself, thinking how adorable her daughter looked at that moment. Her husband hadn’t come home yet, so she pulled Tracy into the room and shut the door behind them, just in case he came back unexpectedly and barged in while the two of them were getting ready. After all, women need their private space, don’t they?

Hallie picked up the curling iron and gave Tracy soft, wavy curls, then tied her hair up with a pink ribbon, “Look in the mirror, sweetheart. These loose waves, with a ribbon like this, they make you look just like a doll.”

Tracy gazed at her reflection, eyes wide. The soft curls framed her delicate face, and the pink ribbon made her look like a princess from a fairy tale. She didn’t say a word, but from the look on her face, Hallie was certain Tracy loved the hairstyle.

Hallie stepped out for a moment and returned with a plastic bag. From inside, she pulled out a white lace dress, “Try this on, I bought it in advance, just for you. It’s adorable, and I’m sure it’ll suit you perfectly.”

Tracy held the dress up against her body. Even without putting it on, she could already feel how the soft lace would hug her figure, how the gently flared skirt would make her want to twirl. She stood before the mirror and, without realizing it, broke into a radiant smile. It happened unconsciously, her mind must have been picturing how she would look in that dress standing in front of Tamir. Hallie understood exactly what her daughter was feeling, but had no intention of saying it out loud.

Then Tracy turned to her mother and asked, “You said you bought it in advance? How did you know to get it for me?”

“Of course I knew. My little princess would eventually need something beautiful to wear when meeting her dream prince.” Only after saying it did Hallie realize she had accidentally revealed her daughter’s feelings.

Tracy's face turned redder than ever. She used the white dress to hide her face and spoke in a broken voice, “Mom… you knew all along?”

Hallie burst out laughing, “Alright, alright, I admit it, I knew all along. You’re more transparent than you think. And there’s no need to be embarrassed. What’s so strange about a girl falling for a guy?”

Tracy lowered the dress slightly but still held it up to cover the lower half of her face, “But I wasn’t really a girl to begin with.”

Hallie gently ruffled her daughter’s hair. “I’ve told you before, let go of that thought. We are the most wonderful girls, and nothing can take that away. Just be honest with me, do you like this dress?”

Tracy nodded, hugging the lace dress tightly to her chest, and whispered so softly it was almost a murmur, “I do.”

Her mother replied, “That’s right, all you have to do is admit it. Now go back to your room and start getting in the right mindset! A girl’s first date is a big deal, you know!”

She said goodbye to her mother and returned to her room. Sitting down on the bed, she adjusted the pink ribbon in her hair. A warm feeling rose within her chest. There had been a time when she wondered how her mom could embrace life as a woman so quickly, even daring to make love with her father. But now, it seemed she was starting to understand. She closed her eyes and let the feeling wash over her. Maybe it would still be a long time before she could fully adjust the way her mother had. But everything had to start somewhere.

Now, with each passing day, she felt herself drawing closer to being Tracy. And each day, she could feel the bond between her and Hallie as mother and daughter growing stronger, even though, in the beginning, it had been nothing more than an awkward, artificial act between two men playing the roles of women in a farcical charade. But now, it was becoming real.

At that moment, she heard the sound of a car outside, her father was home, just like every other day. And as always, she and her mother went downstairs to greet him. And, as always, her mother kissed him gently on the cheek. The only difference was that, instead of feeling embarrassed like she used to, Tracy now smiled softly.

PART 13 >>