Fear Not The Elf Who Knows 10,000 Spells - Chapter 28

"I... I don't—" I tried to say, to explain, justify, anything, but Ms. Gütig wouldn't let me.

"You thought you hide it, but you looked so disgusted that first few times I asked you to look after little Rein. As if the thought of someone asking you for help was so horrendous."

An ache bloomed within my chest. I looked away.

"I don't... remember that." I said that, but I felt that would be something I would have done.

Might be something I'd have done once or twice before realizing this life would be like the last, and just quickly put on the blank mask.

Take task. Do task. Do everything before emotions register or processed. Accept disruptions are gonna be the norm again.

I wanted to leave right away.

"You grew out of it." Ms. Gütig said. "Or rather you hide it better. I learned not to ask you for anything too new or different than you already did. Looking after Rein is something you were used to, since she clung to you like a duckling. The younger kids liked being quiet around you. But those your age or older, you hated being around, or being drawn to their games." She let out one lone sad chuckle. I tried to imitate her but couldn't muster up the energy. "Helping move heavy things around, was okay. Getting eggs or milking the goats was not." She continued almost clinically. "It took a while before I understood it, as Mr. Löwenjunges explained it to me. You liked tasks that helped you move and work your body, but not something menial. Even then, you always treated my voice like it was something dreadful."

Because requests followed afterwards.

"Sorry. I... didn't realize I had that effect... that my attitude was that bad." I said. The words heavy, the guilt and annoyance weighing me down.

Part of me wanted to shout, 'why the hell are you asking for help from a child?'

Another, the more mature one calmly said, 'You are smart, you are capable, she's old and overwhelmed. Was a little help too much to ask?'

I hated that voice of mine. I hated how reasonable it sounded. It was the same voice I had in my past life.

I don't even know why I hate it anymore. Just that it appearing means frustrated misery for whatever situation in front of me, if I'm not the one resolving it, fixing it, acting on it, then it was my fault.

"I always knew you'd leave the orphanage as soon as you could. I just never expected it to be so fast. Was magic worth it? Was it everything you imagined?" Ms. Gütig asked.

"...Yes."

"I'm happy for you." Ms. Gütig said it almost resigned. A tone that tried to sound happy for the other person, but failed. "Truly, I just... wish you had the power to have been there."

"I could have." The words left my mouth before I could stop them.

My eyes widened in horror. Why did I open my mouth? Why did I start and say that?

"..." Ms. Gütig looked at me with an equally horrified look.

"I... That's how I reached the city yesterday." All that happened had been one day? "Jilwer, it's... one of the spells I learned. A travel spell to move fast." Shut up. Shut up. Stop trying to justify yourself. "I could have before but... I didn't because... I didn't... I didn't expect." What words could excuse my inaction, the destruction that fell upon Schwanz. "I'm sorry."

The words felt empty. Hollow.

Worthless.

I expected anger from the matron then. A shout. A scolding. Something intense and violent.

I expected it. Maybe even wished for it. I was fine with that.

I heard a quiet wail. A sob.

My heart dropped. I looked to the side to see face in her hands as tears and crying came from her, that she tried to stifle.

I reached out, wanting to comfort her, to hug her. To just make her pain stop.

To make her stop.

I flinched away at the last moment. What right did I have to try and make her feel not so bad? To try and tell her not to be sad or despair?

I wish she would stop. I wish today would end.

I want to go to sleep and forget today.

I want to run. I wan to go away.

I can run. I have Jilwer. I can move.

...I stay in my seat. I am grabbing the wood of the bench and looking down. I hear the wood creek and realize that, in this life I'm strong enough that I could break it with my bare hands. I don't even need magic to do it.

An instant of happiness at remembering this accomplishment. A wave of guilt, shame and self-loathing fall upon me and drown everything out.

This almost doesn't real. Like a horrible nightmare—

"Old Gütig? Trenn?" A voice spoke out and hope burned in my chest.

Gütig crying stumbled in the middle, like she couldn't quite process if she did hear that voice or didn't.

I looked up and felt my heart hollow, a moment before relief poured in. Like I couldn't quite yet let belief sink in to what I'm seeing.

"Y-You're here!? You're okay!" Lässig exclaimed, holding a little girl's hand.

Holding Rein's hand.

"Lässig! Rein! My dear boy and girl!" Matron Gütig shot up and ran toward them, falling to her knees and grabbing them in her arms. Hugging and kissing their heads. They hugged her back. Her wailing turned to crying in joy.

I ran toward them, only for my mind to remind me at the last second. Do I even deserve this? Do I have the right to hug them and tell them I'm glad they're okay?

I stood to the side of them, unsure. Ms. Gütig looked to the side at me, her expression told me she was unsure whether to glare in contempt, or extend a hand in pity and sympathy and compassion.

The choice was taken from us by Rein.

"Trenn!" Rein broke from them and latched onto me.

I just reacted. I kneeled down and hugged her. My face growing warm and tears just spilled out.

"You're okay." My words poured out without rhyme, reason or thought. "You're okay. You're okay. I'm so sorry. You're okay. Happy birthday, I'm sorry I wasn't there. You're okay."

I stopped thinking. Just glad that something good happened. That me not being there, didn't cost everyone, everything.

I̴̶̵s̸̵̸ ̴̵̵i̴̴̷t̵̸̷ ̴̴̸r̷̴̴e̴̵̸a̸̵̸l̴̷̶l̴̵̴y̸̷̴ ̷̴̴t̶̶̵h̷̴̵a̶̸̴t̷̷̸ ̵̶̶e̴̸̶a̶̸̶s̴̸̴y̵̵̵?̵̵̸ ̴̸̵A̸̷̷m̸̵̴ ̷̸̴I̷̷̸ ̴̶̸r̶̶̷e̷̴̴a̷̶̵l̸̵̶l̶̵̵y̶̵̴ ̴̵̸t̴̵̸h̴̸̵a̴̶̷t̷̴̴ ̶̴̸l̷̷̷u̷̷̴c̴̵̶k̷̵̸y?̸̷̶ ̸̴̴I̵̸̶s̴̴̸n̸̴̶'̴̷̷t̷̴̷ ̷̶̸t̷̵̷h̴̷̴i̷̵̶s̷̵̸ ̵̵̵t̴̴̸o̴̸̴o̸̷̶ ̴̷̴g̴̴̸o̵̶̵o̷̷̵d̸̸̴ ̵̸̸o̸̴̵f̶̸̶ ̶̵̴a̸̴̸ ̵̸̷f̴̸̶o̷̷̵r̷̸̴t̷̵̷u̸̷̴n̸̵̶e̴̶̶?̶̷̸ ̶̶̸I̴̸̵s̶̷̸ ̸̵̷t̷̵̸h̷̷̵i̸̴̷s̵̸̴ ̷̵̶l̴̶̸o̷̴̵g̶̴̴i̵̴̷c̶̸̸a̵̸̴l̷̵̸?̵̴̴

Another pair of arms hugged me.

"I'm so glad you're okay, kid." Lässig spoke, his body warm and comforting to feel. A reassurance that he was alive.

A hand was on my shoulder. I looked up to see the matron smiling at me, as if beginning to forgive me.

Maybe. Just maybe not all was lost and what happened could be healed?

Time passes?

Time passes and the Calm Orphanage was remade. Now in Ackerheim. Turns out Lässig and Rein weren't the only ones who survived. A few others made it too.

My roommates lucky enough. Rot, Nervös and Ungeduld, along with a few others. Zorn, Ruf, Klien. Maybe Mut?

I don't remember all the names.

There were even more kids now. Dozens. Close to a hundred.

Rein stays at my side always now.

And... and my magic training. Schroff...

===x===

"I don't think I can be your teacher anymore."

"Wha... what do you mean?"

"Trenn, I'm old. I don't think I can use magic as I used to. The poison made sure of that. Dont' worry though, I have already taught you all I know. You're a smart kid, I'm sure you'll be fine.

===x===

And as for Minus...

===x===

I stared at Minus' back, trepidation beating in my chest.

"So you made your choice?" Minus said with an odd finality. It wasn't like I said I won't see her again, or not be her student. Just... not at the moment.

"Y-Yeah." I said looking down, not even able to stare at her back, like I'm not worthy to do so anymore. "Schroff said he taught me all he could, so I'm not under a different master, but! They need me here." I forced myself to look up. "It's only for a few years! Not a lot for you, you know. Once the orphanage is able to stand on it's own, I'll come find you and—"

I met Minus' eyes and they were black. Like pools of void.

A blink and they were normal eyes again. For an instant it felt like seeing the infinite and it was disappointed in me.

"Drive." She finally said.

"Huh?" I blinked, confused at her words.

"The drive for magic, for more. That curiosity and will pushing you ever forward. That drive that I always saw in you is gone." Minus said like a judge delivering a verdict.

"I..." Without realizing I took a step back from her.

"I will give you once last chance. Leave this town now. Come with me here and now and start your journey. Or stay and know we'll never meet again." Minus ultimatum slammed down upon me.

My heart was beating loudly in my heart. I could feel its vibrations. Ringing was constantly firing in my ears. So loud that it deafened everything else.

My guilt and obligations warred with the possibilities of what could be. Of what my obligation was telling me to throw away.

The right thing to do was to stay. To tell Minus that I have a life of my own, a responsibility here and now. That she can't impose such a choice on me, when other lives depend on me.

W̸̶̶̶̸̴̷h̵̶̸̸̴̴̷e̴̵̷̸̴̴̵r̷̵̴̷̴̸̵e̴̴̴̶̶̷̵ ̴̵̵̷̴̸̷h̶̸̷̵̸̷̷a̶̶̷̵̶̸̶v̶̴̴̴̴̵̵e̴̵̷̵̷̴̸ ̶̷̵̵̸̵̵I̵̴̶̶̴̸̶ ̸̴̴̷̷̴̴h̴̴̸̵̷̸̶e̷̶̷̷̷̶̴a̶̶̸̴̵̸̶r̷̶̶̴̸̷̷d̵̶̶̴̴̶̴ ̴̸̴̴̸̷̸t̷̴̴̴̶̸̷h̵̵̷̶̵̸̵e̷̸̷̶̶̶̸s̵̴̴̴̶̴̸e̶̵̶̸̸̷̷ ̸̸̴̵̷̴̸w̸̴̷̷̸̶̶o̸̵̶̸̶̵̵r̷̶̷̴̴̸̴d̷̴̷̷̸̵̶s̵̶̶̴̸̵̷ ̶̵̸̸̸̸̵b̷̵̶̷̵̸̸e̸̴̷̵̴̵̶f̷̵̷̵̴̶̷o̸̶̷̷̸̵̸r̴̵̵̴̸̵̸e̷̴̵̶̴̶̸?̷̴̴̶̸̵̵ ̶̶̸̵̷̶̵T̴̸̷̶̷̴̵h̴̸̸̶̷̸̴e̵̵̸̴̴̸̴s̵̶̵̸̵̶̵e̸̷̸̶̷̵̶ ̸̸̷̵̴̶̴w̴̵̸̷̴̸̸o̴̴̸̷̴̶̷r̸̶̴̸̴̵̵d̵̷̸̵̶̴̷s̸̴̵̶̸̷̴ ̸̶̵̸̵̸̸I̷̶̴̸̷̶̵'̵̸̸̷̴̵̴m̵̷̵̵̷̶̴ ̸̶̸̷̷̴̵t̶̵̴̶̴̷̷e̸̶̶̶̸̶̴l̷̵̸̷̴̴̶l̷̸̴̵̷̵̸i̵̴̵̷̵̶̵n̶̶̷̵̶̷̴g̷̷̸̴̴̴̴ ̷̷̸̶̸̴̷m̴̷̴̵̴̶̴y̶̵̵̵̷̷̶s̸̶̷̴̴̷̶e̴̷̷̵̵̷̸l̸̶̸̴̷̶̷f̵̵̸̸̶̵̸.̵̸̵̵̶̶̶ ̸̵̶̵̵̵̷

"Trenn!" Rein called out to me.

I looked back to see her running toward me. There were other kids with her. I couldn't focus on them. They were unimportant—

No, they were. That type of thinking is what lead me to almost losing everything before.

"Come on! Ms. Ms. Gu-Ten says they're making duck tonight. She said there's enough for the whole place, and enough rice too!" Rein said excitedly as she grabbed my arm. She pulled me a step with her, as I wasn't focused on standing still.

The other kids were latching on me too as an older brother. Like puppies gathering around someone they feel safe around.

I̸̴̸ ̴̸̴d̵̸̵e̶̵̵s̸̸̸p̸̴̸i̵̴̸s̶̶̶e̸̴̴d̵̵̶ ̸̵̷i̵̷̸t̴̸̴.̷̸̶ ̷̸̶

"W-Wait a minute, Rein, I'm just talking to..." I began to say, as I looked back to see Minus giving me one last look before turning and walking away.

"Trenn! Come on or we'll miss all the chicken wings." Rein said.

One of the other kids said it would be 'duck wings' not chicken, and then the kids devolved into an argument that it all means the same, because they should have gotten what she meant.

Slowly I found myself walking with Rein and the kids, finding it too late to say anything now.

It would look bad.

It would hurt their feelings.

It would make me look bad and Minus probably wouldn't want such an indecisive student anyways.

I left with the kids toward the home I could imagine, and left behind the unknown future I couldn't.

===x===

I could still use magic of course. I had to keep up my practice.

But...

Not as much as I used to.

New patch of kids. Children and infants. Refugees from Schwanz.

The Anti-Elf Coalition apparently returned and detonated an experimental alchemic bomb. A mix to spells and enchantment that made the city unviable, unlivable.

Those that survived were scared. Adults became unable to use mana.

Those young had it worse. They gained hypersensitivity to it.

It... hurt those kids to feel mana brush against them.

I was the one assigned most to babysit them. I was close to their age. I was responsible. I was the one they felt comfortable with. Safe with.

Rein always wanted to play with me. She was one of those who suffered from the alchemy bomb, suffered mana hypersensitivity.

I... couldn't practice my body strengthening. Not even my mana sensing.

She wants to play with me. Wants to spend time with me. Wants to not lose me again.

I want that too but...

===x===

"Aaaaah!" Rein cried out, flinching away from me.

"Sorry!" I said, cutting off my mana channeling training.

"I-It hurts." Rein cried in a small voice.

"Sorry, I thought I limited it. I didn't think that could even be sensed." I said quickly. I had suppressed my mana. Suppressed it to nil. Doing that while using other mana techniques like mana detection, or body strengthening, or adjusting the strengthening to act like Jilwer, it was tough, it was challenging, it was fascinating when I managed to make headway but...

"Trenn! What did you do? Didn't I tell you not to practice magic around the kids. I thought you were more responsible than that!" The Matron cried out as she came to us.

"It, it's fine! It doesn't hurt that much." Rein quickly said, hiding her hand behind her back.

The Matron quickly grabbed Rein's arm to see her hand. The skin was reddened, bursting with hives from the reaction to mana.

"See! See what you did! Why Trenn? Can't you do that stuff later?" The Matron begged, disappointment underlying anger in her voice.

"I-I didn't meant to. It shouldn't have happened." It literally shouldn't. I don't understand. What was there for the sensitivity to catch onto. To react to.

"Trenn, please! There's too much work and I can't have the children getting sick. Especially not because of you."

It's not my fucking fault! Why are you depending on me and not someone else?!

I wanted to shout. I wanted to tell her to screw off, but I just looked down and took the scolding and the lecture. I'm used to this.

N̷̸̵o̵̶̷t̶̷̸ ̶̷̵i̸̴̶n̷̴̸ ̸̷̵t̵̶̸h̸̶̵i̵̴̶s̶̶̸ ̸̶̵l̷̸̴i̵̵̵f̶̷̴e̷̶̸ ̴̷̷I̵̶̷'̵̴̴m̷̶̸ ̶̵̷n̴̶̵o̷̴̶t̴̶̶!̵̷̶

"I-It's okay!" Rein spoke up after a while. "It doesn't hurt! Really!" She said, which just made the Matron more upset but also made her hold her tongue.

Rein always comes to hang out with me, even when I don't have chore. Like she's afraid I'll be gone, or lost somewhere.

Even in those moments when I'm free so I can practice magic, she comes to find me.

And now I'm being scolded because of her.

I hated Rein for a moment because of this.

And immediately guilt and self-hatred slammed into me from within. I'm the adult here. I'm the one responsible. Why am I blaming a child for wanting to hang out with someone she cares about, someone she loves?

I don't deserve this empathy. I am scum for thinking like this.

Even after the Matron left due to chores than anything, even when the mood to play was ruined, Rein still wanted to hang out with me.

I felt annoyed and hated myself even more for feeling that way.

Rein deserves better. I should be better. Why am I like this?

===x===

Another day passes. It's been... weeks? Months?

The days by, each one a copy of the other. Sometimes I'm not sure what day of the week it is. They all blend in like one giant goop of time.

The misery and dullness set in with my life being a cycle of work in the orphanage or looking after the kids. The older ones are also pulling their weight. They praise me for helping out. For being so mature.

I like it. I hate it too. Being praised for something I don't want.

It feels like I'm losing time. Like there's so much I want to do, and that list is growing ever bigger, yet it gets crushed by the list of duties I have to carry out.

The world feels dull. I'm always thinking of what I have to do next. A constant pressure that never ends. The world feels less real everyday from how much I'm living in anxiety of the future.

It never ends.

Even now with my free time, all I can think about is the dread of going back to the orphanage. I can't bail. Only a shitty person would abandon their family, the people who care about them, and want them around. I don't even know why they want me around.

It feels too much sometimes.

S̵̴̶̸̷̴̸O̷̷̷̷̴̶̸M̷̸̸̴̸̷̵E̶̷̶̶̴̵̸B̶̴̷̸̷̷̵O̶̷̶̸̴̴̶D̶̷̶̶̴̷̴Y̴̴̸̸̸̴̷ ̴̵̸̵̴̷̸H̶̶̸̴̸̷̷E̷̷̸̶̶̵̵L̷̸̴̸̷̴̴P̶̵̸̸̵̵̴ ̷̴̶̷̶̵̸M̵̵̷̸̴̴̶E̶̷̶̶̴̸̵,̸̶̶̵̵̸̵ ̵̴̸̵̴̶̷P̸̸̶̴̴̶̵L̴̷̶̸̴̶̷E̶̸̶̴̴̸̷A̶̸̶̶̶̶̵S̵̴̴̴̸̶̵E̷̶̸̷̶̷̸!̸̶̴̵̷̴̴

"Boy, are you constipated or something?" A voice cracks through all my thought.

A voice that that sounded too distinct, unlike the wall of sound from the townspeople or the kids I look after, this felt too sharp, too firm.

I looked up to see a woman sitting by the side of the road on a small fence of stone. I didn't even notice her during my walk around town. I didn't even notice how the area I was in wasn't as noisy with people as usual.

The woman had long vibrant orange hair, styled into a thick braid. Her blue-green eyes seemed to look at me with amused curiosity.

"Huh?" I said back. It wasn't really because of her question (I wasn't constipated, just deep in thought), but rather looking at this woman... the colors of her hair, eyes, clothes... it all seemed too vibrant.

As if she was too real for this world.

"Why does a brat like you looks like they have the world on their shoulders?" She asked again, that amusement shining in her tone.

"What are you talking about?" I asked deflecting.

"Come here." She said casually, yet her voice and tone were strong. Like my listening to her was inevitable. "Sit, sit." She patted the place next to her. "Boys your age shouldn't have the miserable look in their eyes. You should wait a few years till you're married first or something. Or having to meet a king after having fucked his daughter, then you can look that dreadful."

"...The fuck kinda advice is that!? And one to give to a kid no less!"

"Ahahaha!" She laughed, her voice somehow braking through some filter on how this interaction should have gone. "Finally dropped that polite mask. Good, good." The Orange Woman grinned.

===

AN: Fuck it. Not gonna try to cram it all into one chapter. Chapters will be written till this shit is done.