If It's Stupid But It Works... Then It's Still Stupid & It's a Miracle That It Worked - Chapter 1

A PJO story following the Son of Koalemos.

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The place was a house on a small farm in Orange County, North Carolina.

Hermes, God of Roads and Travels, Messenger of the Gods, walked out of a flash of light and wind, as he manifested on a front walk leading to a simple two story idyllic home with a farmstead next to it. A capybara laid on the porch sleeping.

He stepped onto the porch and rang the doorbell, internally sighing, and hoping this conversation won't be as exhausting as he expects it to be. Not because the recipient of the message he's about to deliver was someone temperamental or combative and powerful, an annoying combination.

But rather this particular god could be difficult to talk to because they were so—

The door opened, then the screen door to show a red haired mortal woman in plain clothes under a lab coat.

Dr. Dana Prince was a genetic researcher at University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill (UNC Chapel Hill), and the wife of the god Hermes came to speak to. A woman that seemed really mismatched with her husband, with her intellect and sharp wit.

It is known that Dana's godly husband is free with his blessings, minor though they are, with women he slept with if they ask for a boon. As a general rule, among all those in the supernatural world, that god is to be left alone if he is married, as his home life was considered too wholesome to intrude upon. As immortals they have infinite time, and his mortal wives all eventually die of old age anyways.

One time a nymph, one of Aphrodite's attendants (not the main ones), tricked Dana's husband into thinking he slept with her, and thus asked for a blessing, as this god wont to do as a favor to any woman that enjoyed his intimate company.

With tears in his eyes, that god cried to his wife about his "mistake" fully believing he had cheated.

Dana was unamused by their uninvited and rude guest. She talked to him and convinced him that he didn't break his vows to her, and that he was lied to by the nymph. In the god's rage he punished the nymph, and at his wife's suggestion turned her into an onahole with her consciousness present. The sexy toy even had the nymph's vestige.

Aphrodite arrived upon sensing what happened and without any hesitation or fear, Dana forward and told the Goddess of Love what happened, even with Aphrodite being "irritated".

"I love my husband and I want him to be happy. Your nymph, as a guest in my home, almost ruined that, tried to fracture my marriage for his blessing. I don't need to tell you the implication of her coming to him, rather than going to you for a divine blessing."

The implication that the nymph valued that god's blessing over Aphrodite, or didn't want to put in the effort to gain Aphrodite's blessing. Either way, the nymph's actions were damning from implication.

"...You know, I know that you're playing me. And you know that I know that too."

"Is it really manipulation when we both know that, and you want to take the action against that nymph that you want to take anyways?"

For a moment Aphrodite was silent, before scoffing and smiling.

"I'll allow your cheek this time, mortal. ...Tell me though Dana, where did you get this idea of turning whatshername into a sex toy?"

"Internet. Fan no Hitori."

"Hmmm?"

"I was curious in my younger days."

"Tell me more!"

Hermes shuddered at remembering that conversation and Aphrodite's... "experiments" since then. Her temple had never been more disciplined, as all her staff did not want to suffer their mistress's bout of inspirational punishments.

"Dana." Hermes said, a moment after she opened the doors.

"Hermes." Dana said back.

Hermes bite back a snort at the casualness. With how many times, this being the fifth, he has met the woman, it was annoying how familiar this routine was.

Every year for the past four years, Hermes would come to deliver a message to his query and his wife about their son going to Camp Half-Blood.

And every year the god forgets.

Because the god in question was Koalemos, the God of Stupidity.

A god that unlike all other could get away with staying with his family all the time. Even raise his children from infancy to adulthood. Much to the envy of some gods.

Because Koalemos was much too stupid for the Ancient Laws to affect him.

Because Koalemos has the idea of "a husband and father is suppose to be there for his family" as a priority in his mind. An idea so childishly simple, that when the complex and intricate Ancient Laws that govern how much divine beings can be a part of a demigod's life confronted it, it just crashed and broke against it.

Thus why at fifteen years old, Eiron Prince, son of Koalemos has never even met a monster, as his father had personally protected him all this time.

Not to mention Dana Prince. Intelligent, clever, driven.

And the reason why he forgets Hermes' message, is because his wife, Dana, would fuck with him all day, that he genuinely forgot he was suppose to send his son on a journey to Camp Half-Blood.

Hermes thought it was funny the first few times.

Except it was different this time. Hera herself learned of the son of Koalemos' existence and due to Koalemos always marrying his mortal lovers, something Hera immensely approves of. She wished for the kid to be sent to Camp Half-Blood with her blessing and receive the best demigod education he could get.

"I need to talk to Koal, it's about your son going to Camp Half-Blood." Hermes said a line that sounded rehearsed to him at this point.

"Of course," Dana smiled in that rehearsed way as well. "They're in the backyard, let's go them."

"Dana." Hermes said pointed as the mortal woman began to turn. "He is going this time. I ignored all the times before because frankly, I don't care what Koalemos ends up doing. It tends to be funny." He chuckled, while Dana's lips twitched trying to become a smile, before she pulled it back into an expression of pleasant neutrality. "But this time Queen Hera is excited to see Eiron in Camp Half-Blood."

Dana nodded, a look of quiet resignation as if having expected this outcome. Like one who got away with a prank for too long, and now was just waiting to be called out on it.

"I understand," she sighed into a smile.

They went into the house, the capybara following them, and out the backdoor to a wide backyard that opened into the Prince farm.

Within it where the two figures of god and demigod.

Playing catch.

Hermes raised an eyebrow at the pair playing with a celestial bronze baseball. He watched the two throw the ball to each other back and forth at speeds much greater than the top Olympic athletes, while Dana went back into the house.

The more Hermes watched, the more he felt this wasn't completely a simple game of catch. The 'rules' whatever they maybe didn't seem consistent.

Sometimes Koalemos would throw the ball wide away from Eiron, and the boy has to run catch it before it hit the ground, or got 'out of bounds' of their large backyard.

But then other times they use the fences or the ground to 'ricochet' the ball somehow to trick or out maneuver the other. Even weirder was the celestial bronze ball somehow didn't shatter the wood, and perfectly bounced off of it.

And sometimes they seem to try and hit the other with the ball to score a point, and the other has to catch said ball before it fell to the ground, like a dodgeball game but they only has a limited number of fumbles.

And the speed in which they were throwing the ball was increasing.

Boom!

And now it crossed the sound barrier.

And the ordinary mitts, beyond looking a little worn out from use, somehow are still surviving.

By the time Dana came back with two cups of coffee in her hand, one offered to the god, Hermes gave up on learning the rules of whatever convoluted game the divine father and semi-divine son were having.

"Thank you," he said graciously to his host. Hermes' eyes widened when took a sip of his coffee to find it was made with nectar.

He turned quickly to see Dana having already taken a few sips from hers, which his senses told him the coffee was the same as his to find... the mortal? woman was fine.

"Hmm? Something the matter?" Dana raised an eyebrow to Hermes.

"Yeah, how are you drinking that and still alive?" Hermes asked in quiet intrigued disbelief.

"It is much, much more diluted than yours, Hermes." Dana pointed out like a professor having a joke over a student's head.

"It is still a drink of the gods. You're mortal. How are you drinking that and not dying? Why are you drinking it at all?" He wondered if this wife will break the trend of Koalemos' wives being humble and content.

"It is a very good stimulant for the mind. I literally don't need to drink any caffeine or the like for the rest of the week to focus on work, daily life or other stuff." Dana calmly explained.

"Uh-huh." He already knew that, but usually mortals didn't survive to enjoy those benefits. They immolated from the inside, or became... something else.

"As for how? Well..." Dana... blushed for some reason, as she mentally debated on what to say to Hermes, before shrugging her shoulder, deciding he's a Greek God. "I've been drinking divine liquid for years and I seemed fine."

"What divine liq..." Hermes paused, looked at Koalemos playing catch with his son, then back to his wife, then back to the God of Stupidity, then back to the mortal doctor.

Hermes threw his head back and laughed.

Dana's blush deepened as she looked away. It was something so stupid that of course somehow Koalemos didn't realize the effects of those fun activities had on his spouse, or how she would use it.

Hermes wondered if Koalemos power of just... making things work for him, because he didn't know they couldn't or shouldn't, didn't also have some kind of area of effect that allowed this to happen around him.

Dana Prince would normally come off as a mortal blessed by the divine. Focusing on it, Hermes could tell she wasn't mere mortal anymore. Well, still mortal, not even spirit-like, but sort of human plus.

How hilarious.

Well, the lovers of gods tend to be made a bit more durable by the god they sleep with to survive the experience. This is probably an extension of that.

Not that Hermes cared beyond fulfilling his curiosity as magic and the like wasn't his forte.

Still, to think the mortal doctor would find a way to interact with divine material without being burned by the energy, and in such a way. Hermes had no doubt that Koalemos happily aided his wife's "experiments".

And through his divine intuition, Dana still didn't feel like someone who wished for more, or had any notable greed or wish for power. Fifteen years and the most she acquired beyond human means from a god beyond his child, was somehow lucking into discovering super coffee.

Honestly, how is it that each and every single wife of Koalemos, was just... so content that they didn't wish for immortality which would tie the god they married to them. This was the big reason why gods didn't marry mortals, if they weren't already married. A wife could demand near endless boons of her divine husband, if it's within his powers and outside hers.

It's why if a mortal married a god, it taken as inevitable that the mortal would be ascended into a god later on.

Yet, none of Koalemos' wives ever wished for that. Just for a happy family.

No wonder they are almost always Hera and Hestia's favorites.

It's basically a joke among the Olympians how Apollo always laments that Koalemos somehow keeps finding the women that are amazing and content with their mortality to marry.

"HOW DOES HE KEEP FINDING THEM!?"

Hermes laughed, remembered Apollo one time kept shouting that.

The God of Travels even asked Dana before for why she never asked her husband for immortality.

"Because I'm already immortal, technically?"

"Oh?"

"When I die, given connection to Koal, I'll likely end up in the Underworld, so my husband and son can probably visit me at any time then. Why would I need to ask for what I already have?"

That was certainly a way of looking at it. Hermes didn't even mention how all of Koalemos previous wives, if they didn't reincarnate, would just hang out together in Elysium, as a group of friends, to talk or discuss their lives. So there's that.

Let's not even get to talk about what happens when Koalemos does get to visit them.

"Uncle Hermes!" Koalemos seemed to finally notice the God of Travels, having heard him from his laughter. Koalemos and his son were headed toward Hermes, the former running, the latter walking.

"OOF!" Hermes coughed as Koalemos grabbed him in a bear hug. Thankfully Koalemos no longer transformed his arms into those of a bear, as he used to when he heard that expression.

"How have you been uncle? It's been so long!" Koalemos cried out. He looked like a tall man with a wide frame. His clothes looked ordinary, even his beauty while pretty and extremely handsome for both mortals and divines, somehow they too were ordinary and down to earth.

Common brown hair. A rugged beard. Not full and not a stubble.

Koalemos always seemed too normal as a god. Like the sum of all average deities into one. Not that anyone would dare say the God of Fools compares to them. It would be humiliating beyond belief.

"It's been a year, Koalemos." Hermes grunted, with a huff and a chuckle.

Koalemos stepped back smiling, his son standing next to him. Hermes smiled with annoyance and amusement at the boy who avoided the real world for all fifteen years of his life.

"Hey, Uncle Hermes." The boy, son of Koalemos said.

Eiron took after his mother in looks for the most part. His body and physique looked that of his father, although he was much relatively thinner. Then again the boy was still growing up.

"So prepare my bag?" Eiron said with a cheeky smile, as he picked up the capybara—Sacred Animal of Koalemos—that went to nuzzle his leg. They have done this song and dance before.

"Yes," Hermes smiled back, appreciating a good 'prank'. If it could be called that. "I'm taking you there."

"To Camp Half-Blood?" Dana chimed in.

"Really! You're so nice, Uncle Hermes—" The boy began to chime in, and before Koalemos could excitedly join in, not realizing his wife and child were joking, and likely hoping Hermes would 'follow through on his word'.

"To the bus stop." Hermes however shut that 'plan' down right away.

"Tsk," Dana loudly clicked her mouth and said nothing else.

Hermes can appreciate the woman doing everything she can to keep her son safe, but he was glad she knew when to quit, lest he's have to punish her for thinking she can trick a god of his stature.

Eiron however seemed to chuckled, taking the whole situation in good-nature. The capybara chirped, making Eiron scratch its head.

Koalemos just smiled not understanding but glad his family seemed happy. He went and stood besides his wife, giving her a side hug. Dana hide her smile behind her mug.

===x===

"You sure you got everything?" Dana asked her son for the second time, after Eiron got dressed and had his travel backpack.

Eiron had to actually blink in surprise at seeing his mom asking something he just answered. It was one time too many, showing how worried she was. He smiled softly at her, before hugging her.

"I'm going to be fine." He said stepping back.

"Right, right." Dana said. At the moment she wasn't the Nobel's winning biologist, or the confident unfazed-by-anything scientist, but simply a mother. "Take care of yourself." She finally smiled. "See you in a few months. Eat well, don't make all your meals junk food, don't die until you're at least a hundred, and don't forget what I told you."

She didn't bother saying 'don't do anything stupid' because that would be futile. It was in his blood to do stupid.

"Got it." Eiron grinned and nodded, then turned to his dad, as father and son faced each other for a last time for a while.

Well, they'll probably still interact through telepathy (from Koalemos' side) or prayer (from Eiron's side), but that's neither here nor there.

"So you're finally starting your Pokemon journey." Koalemos said with confidence in his rehearsed speech. He held up the capybara for Eiron to take.

Eiron lost his smile and just gave his father a dry look.

"No, dad, that's not what this is."

"Right," Koalemos let go of the capybara that chirped as it fell to the ground, landing like a cat. "Your Ninja journey."

"That's not what happens in Naruto and not what it's called." Eiron shook his head.

"Your Ninja Way!" Koalemos snapped his fingers at remembering the proper term.

"Not really the point right now."

"Your journey to be the Pirate King?" Koalemos said fishing for the correct term.

Hermes wasn't going to correct him. He explained to Koalemos the point of going to Camp Half-Blood and why, over a dozen times now. He's not doing it again, because Koalemos forgot or was distracted again mid-explanation.

"No... Well, I might need to take a boat but it's not that either."

"My son finally starting his journey to be the King of the Demigods." Koalemos nodded somberly with a wistful tone.

"Anime was a mistake." Eiron sighed shaking his head, already tired of the conversation.

Hermes did his best not to laugh at the boy openly, and let the heartfelt good bye continue to its end.

Father and son hugged one last time, and soon Hermes and Eiron were walking away, the demigod waving to his parents.

As soon as they crossed the property line, Hermes grabbed Eiron's shoulders and teleported them to the nearest bus stop.

"Welp," Hermes began patting Eiron on the shoulder. "This is it, kid. Good luck, and you know who to call when you need a package delivered." He gave the boy and finger salute and was about to teleport away.

"Lord Hermes, wait!" Eiron called out.

Hermes sighed, really hoping the kid didn't ask him for help or something. He'd like to think he's been pretty accommodating to the kid so far, as a favor to Koalemos and not bothering to follow up all those years by coming to insist he goes to Camp Half-Blood.

"Yeah?" Still, Hermes decided to at least hear the boy out, he might surprise him.

"I wanted to say thank you for looking the other way the past four years, when mom distracted dad about me going to camp. It gave me more time to spend with my family without worrying about monsters, and more time to train with my dad." Eiron earnestly smiled. "I just wanted to say I'm grateful for that."

Hermes found himself giving a ruthful smile back. It wasn't actually intentional on his part, but more like he ignored Koalemos' situation due to how unimportant it was. Sure Koalemos was a god but he was such a minor one. Who cares if his kid goes to Camp Half-Blood or not, but someone somewhere must have complained about how unfair the boy gets to spend time with his godly parent, and maybe that's what made it reach Hera's ears.

The politics of Olympus were as temperamental as they were annoying and ruthless.

Not that Hermes won't take credit anyways. He was a god, and he loved having his ego praised.

"You're welcome." Hermes said back. "Do actually look after yourself, Eiron. Koalemos tends to be extremely and loudly sad when he gets bad news about one of his kids dying, and I tend to get stuck with that job."

"I'll try my best, but no promises." Eiron laughed. "I wanted to pay you back for going along with my mom's antics all these years. Is there something that you need help with? Big or small, I don't mind making a detour before heading to Camp Half-Blood."

"You're asking me for a Quest?" Hermes blinked in surprise. Will wonders never cease.

"If it needs to be." Eiron shrugged.

Hermes wondered if Eiron was trying to strategically curry favor with him, as early as he could but... No, the boy was sincere.

While Koalemos' kids tended to vary on the intelligence scale—sometimes due to their mother, sometimes not—something consist was that, they are not schemers.

Or if they try, they hilariously fail at it.

Hermes was about wave off the boy, off hand before he an idea came to him.

It's such a long shot but... anything that can help Luke would be a plus, right?

"Westport, Connecticut." Hermes finally said. Eiron's eyes turned serious as he took in the god's words. "If you can get there within a week, you'll find my son, Luke Castellan, along with a few other demigods. Help him, help them reach Camp Half-Blood and I'll consider us square, and I might throw in a reward. Maybe." Hermes winked.

"Awesome. Next time we talk, it will be with good news." Eiron grinned and nodded, reminding Hermes of how the kid's dad acts like a Labrador sometimes.

"We'll see, kid. We'll see." Hermes smiled, snapping his fingers as he teleported away, leaving in a flare of light upon the winds.