Episode 30 - Manifesto in Book Form

It's an ill wind that...

Luke Yates

Wait, why is the FBI and CIA involved? is this an international incident? Is Quick Swift a good guy or a bad guy? Will he ever get to sing at the Grand Ol' Opry? So many questions.

Shelley Collum

Man, I am so ready to hear y'all talk about this book. It's the most bananas thing I think I've ever read.

James Lester

I just think for being such a high-security data center entrusted with so many of the world's top-secret recipes it seems foolhardly to have a public and family-friendly chess museum in the bottom.

Shelley Collum

<a href="https://imgur.com/a/VMdEukf" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">https://imgur.com/a/VMdEukf</a> here's a page from it

amolove

Is it just me or is this 'story' written in the form of a deposition?

Mary Jeschke

I've been reading the e-book version... I can't see this book's weird size or double-spaced pages... anybody got a photo of the physical copy?

Mark Burger

I, Titus Uno? Am I, Titus Uno, the baddie?

M Williams

I mean, that one almost qualifies as genius

372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

<a href="https://i.imgur.com/w9PBGdb.jpg" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">https://i.imgur.com/w9PBGdb.jpg</a>

372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

So, what you're saying is that this book may not actually be indicative of the hard charging, ceaseless action of Forensic Accountancy?

Daniel Laird

I threatened to do it over on Facebook, and now I'm doing it. I'm listing all the things Titus Uno claims to do that forensic accountants do not do. Let's start in Chapter One, and see just how much like real forensic accounting his fever dream of a world is. Gather evidence: In a criminal case, this is done by law enforcement, and evidence involving money is turned over to the forensic accountants. Accountants trying to do this themselves could be construed as interfering with a criminal investigation. In a civil case, the company who hires the FPCA will provide the records they want examined. Reconstruct financial statements ("resurrect them like a phoenix," in the book's words): This is what forensic accountants are hired for, so it checks out. Veer wildly away from the narrative to unexpectedly explain the basics of business finance: Not what Titus has been hired for, but WE CAN'T STOP HIM! Hire teams of FCPAs: Such teams exist as "boutique firms" offering forensic accounting services. Large accounting companies usually have forensic departments, too. So that also checks out. Hire former private investigators: Why wouldn't they remain private investigators? Their skills are not needed in forensic accounting. Go undercover to infiltrate companies: Dude, no. Even in the event that an FCPA needs information that can only be obtained in this way, the police handle it. For an FCPA to try this could easily be seen as interfering with the investigation. Hire computer programmers: Again, it makes no sense for her to get a job at an accounting firm instead of a software development company. Hire former Presidential staffers: Unless she was involved in a very serious scandal, Veronica Jackson can probably find a better gig. Photographing and recording suspects: Police detectives do this. Not FCPAs. It could be taken as an invasion of privacy, and may interfere with the investigation. Spying on people with drones: Completely unlawful, what with it being an invasion of privacy. Police departments use drones to get bird's-eye views of crime scenes, for situational awareness in disasters and active shooter situations, and -with warrants- surveillance. Cloning suspects' cell phones: I couldn't find any concrete information on whether police are allowed to do this, but a private citizen doing it can get up to 15 years in prison. I think that even possessing the equipment is illegal, at least here in the USA. Tracking suspects with planted GPS devices: Police. With a warrant. In the example presented, the company would put the GPS on the helicopter themselves, and they would be required to disclose to all employees that the chopper's location is GPS-tracked. This is potentially another privacy law violation by our boy Titus. Night vision binoculars: I don't know if they can really see through walls, but I doubt it. Either way, surveillance is what police detectives do. Not FCPAs. Listening devices: Police. With a warrant. Again. Earpieces: Like those Bluetooth hands-free phone things? I think that's what he means. I don't like them because I think people are talking to themselves like Jake Cardigan when they're on the phone, but they're legal, so this also checks out. Concealed, worn a/v recorders: Legally dubious, which is part of the reason Google Glass up and disappeared. Leave it to the police, with their warrants. Polygraph machines: FCPAs do participate in suspect interviews when investigating crimes, but they don't conduct the interviews themselves, and it's on the police whether to use polygraphs. Titus can buy a polygraph, but the police probably won't like him trying to hook suspects up to it. Wiretapping phones: Police might be able to get a warrant, depending on the court. The FBI can, assuming it's a federal case. Homeland Security can without a warrant if the phone being tapped belongs to a suspected terrorist. An FPCA could go to prison for wiretapping. "Wiretapping" computers: Monitoring a computer's activity is done with spyware, which Titus could also go to jail for. You cannot wiretap a computer, that is not how either of those things work. Magical magnifying contact lenses: These are not real, although there are people working on a setup utilizing contact lenses, controlled by blinking, which can in conjunction with eyeglasses switch between normal vision and 3x magnification. If they were real, their use in Titus's context would fall into surveillance, so it'd be on our friends the police. Devote an entire chapter explaining chess: Again, we can't stop him. Claiming that luck is a major factor in chess tournaments: Chess is one of the least luck-based games mankind has ever created. I don't know what to tell you. Communicating with the insurance investigator: The investigator probably has records of premium payments that the FCPA will need, and the FCPA's work may help determine the value of the destroyed items the investigator is looking into. This one's reasonable. Communicating with the police and the fire department: The police will be gathering the financial information used by the FCPA, by warrant if need be. The fire department, on the other hand, has nothing to do with that. We'll give him half credit. Final Scorecard: Reasonable: 4.5 Legally Questionable: 5 Outright Unlawful: 7 Human Resources Oddities: 3 Authorial Fantasy: 1 Not Related but I'm Mad About It: 3 So, in summary, Titus Uno thinks he's store-brand James Bond, and should be spending at least a few decades in a federal prison.

Theodore Lehman

*Odgen

Carson Heschle

On a more serious literary note. This work might qualify as both an unusual narrative form and at the same time a type of semi-electronic literature. The first because there is a sort of contractual form being adhered to in the prose, the second because (I hope) there are computer-assisted repeated chunks used in place of normal references. Also, I'm going to guess this author isn't a native English speaker based on the kinds of errors.

M Williams

Okay, reporting in from Chapter 3. Am I having a stroke? Is the author? Are we all? On the other hand, I am laughing hysterically at "Wow, video cameras in the sky" so there is that. Also, I'm seeing the underlining on Kindle from the rest of you pageheads. At least I'm not alone, hacking my way through the underbrush of contractualeeze.

M Williams

"There are corporate booths setup like at a carnival such at ring toss, shooting the basketball, pie eating contest, a dunk the person, and of course grilled food is available to be sold."

Jonathan Emerling

Wait, we're not supposed to do that? Man, I send weekly emails to my enemies telling them the most secret information I know.

Theodore Lehman

Is this book for real? Seriously?

Lee Ann

"Now, you know how it feels to have top secret information and not be able to share it with your family or friends or even enemies." Indeed, I have always struggled with not sharing top secret information with my many enemies.

Thomas Jones

But then the book was too short so he decided to pad the word count in the same manner as a middle school student trying to write a paper the night before it's due by just repeating the same thing over and over again in slightly different ways.

Thomas Jones

This sounds like something a character from The Office would write. Like he was daydreaming about his desk job and made a book out of it

Jake Westbrook

"Much like the Switzerland banks that store money for people..." as opposed to our American banks that store frozen pizzas for people, or Japan's well-known model train banks.

Theodore Lehman

This book is (thankfully) included in Kindle Unlimited. For a real treat, I am having my Echo read it to me while I work. I, Michael Nelson, Senior Datacenter Engineer, am laughing out loud as I, Michael Nelson, Senior Datacenter Engineer listen to the Echo read it to me as I, Michael Nelson, Senior Datacenter Engineer am working.

Mike Nelson

Even the table of contents is full of delights. "Spider" Webb of Homeland Security? That sounds like a rejected Darkstalkers name. "Calling the bee woman Q-Bee was bad enough, either Spider Webb gets a better name or we don't have a spider character!"

Theodore Lehman

I must be too deep in the Warmachine setting, because every time I hear you guys say "forensic" I think of forensic necromancy, which frankly would be more entertaining, if more horrifying, to read about.

Theodore Lehman

The phrase "titus uno" appears 114 times in a 110 page book.

Erika Flowers

This has to have been written by a bot.

Dave Ward

Just read the first two pages, I don't think I'll be able to stop at six chapters. This is glorious.

Jonathan Emerling

I kind of feel bad reading this one. The author writes like he may have some developmental challenges

Ez-92

IS it THAT bad?

Daniel Laird

Did you catch this review? “Wow, I've been trying to win this 1st book for a long time now. Excited to read it. Twill be bach twith an official revieweth of. Thanks a million, I'm wondering why I'm the first here,,, ungreatful ppl? Cause i know lots have won this, be nice and leave a review please. & Thanks again ☺”

Jennifer Tomich

Can I preemptively nominate your next book as The Gamekeeper’s Night Dog? <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Gamekeepers-Night-Dog-Gamekeeper-Book/dp/0967271045" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">https://www.amazon.com/Gamekeepers-Night-Dog-Gamekeeper-Book/dp/0967271045</a> It’s written by American Bulldog breeder Dave Putnam. It’s about a gamekeeper who has a vision from God in the form of a bulldog about the need to introduce certain technology and bring forward the Boer War/WWI for the good of Britannia. Something something in the 2nd trilogy (of which there has only been 1 book written and none since), we leap forward to the year 3000 and an alien invasion is imminent, which is why the accelerated technology and breeding program for superintelligent dogs, seals, etc. was given to our hero in his religious visions. Somebody else please share the madness of these books!

Jennifer Tomich

Ahem. "Moving Duck." Thank you, this broke me. More than the endless repetition of the titles that I, Anonymous Person, Certified Patreon Member had to endure.

Anonymous Person

I've been checking the book and author rank... the way Amazon ranks books is based on a relative algorithm with other book sales by volume for a given hour within the subcategory. This book has skyrocketed since yesterday. I think it was at 900,000 and 300,000 paper/ebook. Today, ebook is at the 15,000 best seller in the ENTIRE kindle store, and in the 200's in crime thrillers. The paperback is #2 in accounting/auditing now, and 11,000 in ALL of Amazon's books.... So the 372 bump is very tangibly real since the influx of purchases/reads is compared against other books in the same categories, and since they are so niche, it SHOOTS up. In fact, I bet it gets the orange "best seller" badge in the accounting/auditing category as the #1 book (not sure if Patreon allows URLs but here it is: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/bestsellers/books/7742993011/ref=pd_zg_hrsr_books_1_4_last)." rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">https://www.amazon.com/gp/bestsellers/books/7742993011/ref=pd_zg_hrsr_books_1_4_last).</a> So yeah, as an indie author, can my book be next??????????

Erika Flowers

They will have the same frightened / disoriented feeling I had when Conor mailed it to me.

372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

I listened to the episode, then found it on amazon, and immediately sent a copy to my sister. They don't listen to the show, and will have no idea why it has shown up on their doorstep.

there are no wolves in Chicago, you saw a coyote

Happy to listen to the old casts, and I'm thinking "Hey, I should listen and read along with them for the next book", since I got here just before you finished TekWar..... and man, you are making me work so hard for this.

Daniel Laird

But is there an Ogden?

Brocktoon

I’m trying to decide if this was a good or bad use of my free Kindle Unlimited trial...

Josh Mueller

My eyes are getting a workout from all the word hurdles (wurdles?) they’re leaping over. Every time he says “I, Titus Uno” I skip the next twelve words. Forget textual criticism, this book builds your textual compression skills.

Jordan Roher

Best review on Amazon, "One Star. This was purchased by a hacker." I cannot stop laughing. I have so many follow-up questions.

Sharon R

Well, he has the Clinean obsession with repeating the same information over and over, so I’d say you boys are in good company. Also, as another resident of Vancouver, I’m somewhat disquieted.

Sam

Forensic certified public accountants are really the wheels that keep society rolling.

Moviegique

hahaha, i laughed out loud after on, i think page 2, it got used four times IN ONE SENTENCE! -Conor

372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

I’m only four pages in and I already feel like I’m going to scream if I read the words “certified public accountant” one. more. time.

Carson Heschle

164k views????

372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

And now I am typing this from beyond the grave since the book killed me.

Erika Flowers

Well, if they were going to avoid mentally unstable authors, how could they have read the works of Ernest Kline?

Thomas Jones

<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xtg1e3SpGMU" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xtg1e3SpGMU</a> Just so you can kinda hear the author's voice when reading it.

Thomas Jones

I got a bad feeling about this. "Let's mock the mentally unstable guy's book...." (It's free on Kindle Unlimited, and you can get a free 30-day trial so there's that...)

Moviegique

If the main character resembles the author, I would cast Kevin James.

Dave

Holy shit it takes place in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada my hometown. Good god I hate it already.

Luke Bovard

Plays for me. This book is going to be amazing.

Lene Taylor

What. the. hell.

Luke Bovard

Here at work and can't play sound yet, I am dying to know!

Erika Flowers

Seems to work for us? Maybe reload?

372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

It plays. And wow. This next book is gonna be a doozy.

Mark Burger

Fanfiction.net seems to be missing a section for this series. I was hoping that someone somewhere out there had penned something preexisting.

SabreMau

Dave