5 Things I would Never Do While Parenting A Child

I was recently asked by a loyal member what things would I not do if I had a child.

Based of my experiences and from what I’ve seen in other people, here are 5 things I would avoid whilst parenting a child.

1. Praises On Fixed-Traits 

I would avoid praising them all the time on ONE fixed trait.

• You are so beautiful 

• You are so smart 

• You are so athletic 

• You are so funny

• You are so strong

Etc…

When someone is praised all the time on only ONE thing, eventually they will believe that’s all they have to offer in life. 

Whereas, people who are given a growth mindset, this reflects their effort level, how hard they worked on something.

For Example, if they come home from an exam with the perfect scores,

I would say:

“wow, I can tell you must have studied really hard for this test, well done!”

This way, you're valuing the grind, not just the outcome. It's about effort, not some innate quality they either have or don't.

Instead of saying to them “Wow, you are so smart, good job!”

Because what would happen if they don’t do as well in the next exam?

If they have a fixed trait, they would take it personal and start feeling as if they are dumb which can lower their confidence and self esteem then this would lead to trying to prove that they are still the 'smart' kid. 

Whereas, when you encourage them based on their effort, it would not feel as if it’s the end of the world if they did not score as high on the next exam. They just know next time they’ll have to study harder but they will not feel as if they are ‘dumb’ or stupid because they did not do as well. 

Encouraging them to value hard work and grinding over inherent traits teaches resilience.

They'll learn that a setback isn't a verdict on their intelligence, it’s just a sign to try harder next time. No drama, just a lesson learned.

If I noticed they excel in a certain area of their life, (Intelligence, beauty, athletic ability etc…) I would not hide this from them.

I just would not make them believe that trait to be their entire personality. I would compliment them about it in moderation.

This is not about being harsh, but rather about not boxing them into a corner where their self-worth hinges on just one aspect of their being.

2. Forcing Them To Eat More / Less Than What They Actually Need

In some cultures, there is a lot of pressure to finish everything on the plate and it’s considered to be rude if you don’t finish the whole plate.

This is usually what leads to eating disorders.

They should learn to listen to their own bodies. They should eat when they're hungry and stop when they're full. Simple as that.

3. I Would Not Burden Them With My Own Emotional Problems

I would not lean on them for emotional support which is only fit for an adult.

Kids should NOT be used as a trauma or baggage dump.

The adult is supposed to be THEIR emotional support, not the other way around.

When parents use their kids for emotional support, it leads to them taking responsibility of the parents problems which leads to them feeling overwhelmed and confused.

When they grow up, they become people pleasers who have problems with putting themselves first. 

They will struggle to love and care for themselves because they are always prioritising other peoples feelings and emotions above theirs.

4. I Would Never Force To Not Like Other Family Members.

Pushing kids to pick sides in the family drama would be a big NO.

It’s common for family to manipulate a child into having resentment for other family members.

Kids do not learn based of what you TELL them. They learn from what they SEE YOU doing. 

I would not play any type of toxic, jealous games and try to distance them with other family members by force.

Playing those kinds of mind games, toxic games, trying to isolate them from family because of our own issues, is a masterclass in how not to handle conflict. It teaches them that manipulation, toxicity and bitterness is normal.

And even if they grow up and try to repair the relationship with the family member who was painted to be bad, it can be hard to rekindle those relationships.

I’d keep them out of toxic games, and even if they witnessed an argument, I’d also let them see us coming making up and coming to peace with things so we can gracefully move on.

It's about showing them that conflicts can end with peace, not hatred and permanent grudges. That's the lesson they need to learn.

5. Consent

This one would be big, especially if I had a daughter. 

I would not do any sort of affection or physical touch without FIRST determining consent.

And I’d make sure to respect his or her boundaries if they said no. 

Parents can sometimes want affection, hugs and kisses to help regulate their own emotions.

But I don’t think it is a child's responsibility to do this, especially if that affections comes through physical touch. (Hugs and kisses)

If this kind of responsibility for emotional regulation is placed on a child (especially a girl), they may come to believe that other people's needs always come first, while their own needs and consent is not important.

This leads to them becoming the type of person putting other peoples needs at the expense of what they actually feel comfortable doing.

This is why some girls have a hard time with saying NO to a guy when he is trying to get sexual but she is not comfortable or ready for that stuff yet.

Then they end up in relationships with people who do not care about their needs or about their consent and they can get lead into being manipulated or forced into situations they don’t want to be in.

Kids are soo small and cuddly but those things have to be their own choice and they should not be shamed or forced into doing it. (Even if it is light hearted) 

“Hey is it OK if I can hug you right now?”

“Would it be OK if I gave you a kiss?”

As adults we should find other ways to regulate our emotional and physical needs. 

Till next time.