(ARTICLE) Mistakes Women Make In seeking And Securing Relationships

Many women who struggle to find love feel like the “one” isn’t out there, or the guys they meet aren’t “exciting”, or they feel run-down and “pessimistic” about dating in general. “Where did all the good guys go?” they ask.

For a lot of women in this circumstance, maybe most, they need to look in the mirror: their expectations outstrip their value and they are too picky. 

The reasons are simple:

Dating apps heavily favour women, as there are far more male than female users, women are very picky about who they swipe on or respond to, and women typically have far better photos. 

Social media inflates a woman’s sense of her own beauty, because she only posts photos of herself that make her appear as if she’s +1-3  points of her actual beauty and gets outsized attention as a result.

Modern society teaches women that they should not take care of or nurture their man, whether that means cooking, cleaning, comforting, supporting, etc. Luckily, a woman’s instinct to do so when she truly adores a man tends to override that social programming–especially when young, as young women are more in tune with their feminine nature–but as they get older it often declines or goes away altogether, which eliminates an important cornerstone of the value a woman provides for a man.

Note: if sex isn’t happening or a chick isn’t hot, her value kinda drops to near zero–after all, what good is a hot chick who never wants to fuck OR an unattractive chick who always wants to fuck? not much.

Also, if she’s offering little to no Care/Nurturing, her value drops to zero anytime there isn’t sex, even if only for a short period; it seems women underestimate how much that can mean.

Having sex all the time is nice, and it’s usually super kinky, but the fact a man can come home to a clean apartment if she’s stayed over, or get a back-rub if he's had a long day, or receive random texts telling him she loves me or is excited to see him–that’s worth more than most women seem to know, or understand.

What men want is pretty simple:

• Is she hot?
• Does she want to fuck me?
• Does she like some of the same stuff I do?
• Is she nice to be around?

For most guys, if we can say yes to 3/4, she’s a keeper. 

Being a sweet feminine woman gets you WAYY more out of a man than trying to be masculine and competing with them.

To be fair to chicks, a man’s value is much harder to pin down, both because what women find attractive varies more widely than men (they are looking for different qualities in different proportions at different times), and because it’s the combination and interplay of those factors which make him attractive overall, qualities such as:

• Physique
• Height
• Face
• Fame/Status
• Wealth
• Dominance
• Social Congruence
• Fashion
• Intellect/Education
• Sexual Prowess

Women with outsized expectations don’t understand that most men–especially men with high value–won’t get into a long term relationship or marry unless it’s a clear win for him: as in, the woman’s overall value is close to as high as he can get.

When women ration sex they destroy their value.

I don’t mean necessarily having sex on the first night (although it can’t hurt; many couples with kids got started through “came over for sex, never moved out”), but withholding sex artificially for any period of time is a great way to lose high-value men. Like, unless she’s a virgin, exceptionally religious, or has some other moral or cultural reason not to have sex, suppressing her desire–and denying his–drops her value to zero in a very short period of time, regardless of her beauty.

Granted, that value could be somewhat sustained if she adds to it by caring for and nurturing the man…but, again, most women–especially in Western culture–don’t do much of that anymore: the man plans every date, initiates most texts, moves everything forward, and she no longer cooks, cleans, nurtures, or supports, meaning her only real value to him is sex, which has no value if it isn’t given.

During a 1-1 session a few months ago, a guy told me he’d “feel bad” for sleeping with a particular woman he wasn’t interested in having a relationship with, and I told him that each sex has a particular risk, and that’s the woman’s side of it: that she’ll give sex to a man who doesn’t stick around. But, just as a woman is under no obligation to have sex with a man if she doesn’t want to, a man is under no obligation to give a woman a relationship after sex. 

Sucks if that’s what she wants, but there’s no way for her to know until it happens, unless what?

Unless she withholds it…unless sex becomes the bargaining chip for a relationship. 

And that’s what a lot of women try to do, mistakenly, because in so doing they destroy their value to the man, and, just as bad if not worse, install a doom loop in their own thinking: after all, how hot and “exciting” can he be if she hasn’t slept with him yet?

The man’s risk is that he spends a lot of time, energy, and (possibly) money on women who don’t give him sex—this is a classic sucker mistake, but just as the woman can’t know if she’ll get a relationship after sex, the man can’t know if his efforts will be rewarded until the sex actually happens.

The other way he can do that? Avoid women who withhold sex for relationships, which is why most top tier men have a 3-4 date rule for sex: because if she hasn’t slept with you after three dates, the attraction either isn’t there or she’s using sex as a bargaining chip. 

In almost every relationship, at some point, the chick will withhold sex to see what happens. In some ways it’s the same test as when a girl says, “we’re not having sex tonight,” and the guy’s reaction should be the same as well: “no worries,” and then he withdraws attention. 

In a relationship, this is less likely to achieve the desired result (sex), but it’s still the right play.

Over analysis and contradictory logic—killing passion with linear thinking.

Another common mistake women make in terms of relationships is expecting chemistry to happen in a linear, predictable way–the result of certain factors being present separately instead of their synergy together. 

It’s also why dating apps don’t serve women particularly well: on top of falsely inflating a woman’s perception of her value (and setting her up to get pumped and dumped by guys who have no intention of sticking around), they convey the idea good relationships are rote rather than dynamic–that it’s merely a matter of finding a guy who’s attractive and has the resume of qualifications: 

Good job, fun hobbies, and whatever else she happens to be looking for.

But that’s not how chemistry works. 

Attraction is rooted in physical appearance, but it’s also emotional, situational, pheromonal, and conditional–and forever changing (we all know people who married and have children, despite not liking each other initially). 

This is especially true for women, because unlike men, who’s base evolutionary strategy is to have sex with as many attractive, young, fertile women as possible, women have a much longer, more complex game to play.

First, she needs to secure sex and become impregnated by the most attractive, dominant (alpha) man she has access to, but then also needs some entity–whether it’s that same man, another, a tribe, or some other provider–to support her. 

While she’s raising these children, she needs to be sure that they are safe, educated, and learning to survive within that tribe/society’s rules and norms. So while a man’s sexual strategy doesn’t change much if at all (have sex with attractive young women), women have a different and changing set of needs–it’s not simply physical, or any other particular thing. It depends.

Beyond sexual attraction, relationships are subject to changing emotions, conditions, situations, and circumstances; they are non-linear and dynamic. 

You can’t choose a partner or a husband in the same way you might interview and evaluate applicants for a job posting. And yet, this is EXACTLY what a huge number of women do.

Want to kill the spark and attraction in a relationship? Want to end up with men you’re not “excited” about? Withhold sex and treat men like robots instead of human beings and that’s what you’ll get.

Till next time.