(ARTICLE) The Ethos Of Womanhood: Understanding Masculinity (PART 2/6)

In todays article You will understand the different types of masculinity.

You will understand:

• Traits which are masculine
• Masculinity In Men
• Are all men are masculine?
• What happens if a man is not masculine
• Toxic Masculinity
• Toxic man traits
• How To Identify Weak Men
• What is a good man
• Masculinity in women
• Signs you have high masculine energy (as a woman)
• Father figure issues
• Types of distorted fathers
• Daddy Issues
• Understanding Missing & Abusive fathers
• Balancing masculinity

Everyone has two types of energies, Masculine and Feminine.

In different parts of the world, they are named differently: like yin and yang, sun and moon, fire and ice etc; but are similar in meaning.

If we talk about men, the proportion of masculinity is higher than femininity and when we talk about women, the proportion of femininity is higher than masculinity.

This is a natural phenomena not made by any one and this is how a family and society works in a balanced way

Manliness is a set of traits/behaviour characterised for men.

Nature and nurture i.e., social influences (culture, environment, family) and biological influences (genetics, hormones, gender) are considered to be responsible for the development of these traits.

Yes, men are high in masculinity as compared to women but women do have some masculine traits.

For better understanding, I can say that all the traits a human being has are either influences masculinity or femininity.

So based on this I can draft out all the traits which impact an individual’s masculinity.

Whenever we think of masculinity we imagine a strong man. Strong physique, mind and character. A man who can provide , protect and lead.

But these are not only traits assigned to masculinity.

Traits which are masculine:

Masculinity In Men

It is obviously expected from men to be masculine, BUT, in this modern world it is not obvious, it’s rare.

Why a man must be masculine?

A man innately has the responsibility to protect , provide and lead his family in a better direction and to fulfil this life purpose, then masculinity is a must.

Also men are naturally privileged with masculine qualities and hormones which helps them to boost their masculinity, same as women are blessed with

female hormones which moderate their femininity.

Are all men are masculine?

No, all men are not masculine.

Only men who work on themselves, put efforts and embrace their core self are.

What happens if a man is not masculine?

When a man lacks masculinity, he fails to be a spine for his family. He isn’t able to protect and lead his family, which turns his family on the way of misery and destruction.

TOXIC MASCULINITY

This saying has become very popular in todays day and age; it’s a favourite term used by modern women to demean masculinity and spread hatred against men.

But can masculinity or femininity be toxic?

Anything done or used in a wrong way can become toxic for others and so happens with both the energies.

Masculinity becomes toxic when a man uses his strength to overpower the weak or to not use his strength to protect the weak, In both cases the man will be proved as toxic for his loved ones in the long term

Traits of toxic men

I will divide these traits into two sections

1. Weak man

2.Tyrannical man

How To Identify Weak Men?

Weak men can easily be spotted because they are just opposite to a strong man, but while dealing with a tyrannical man, it becomes tough due to representing somewhat similar traits to a good man.

So, remember this table^ (Screenshot it if you need to) and observe these traits in the men around you, and learn to easily differentiate between a toxic and a good man.

**Usually toxic females will gravitate towards weaker men as they know he doesn’t have the confidence to put her in her place. And the reason why they go for weaker men is because the strong masculine men who have self respect will never tolerate their BS**

If you are living with a toxic man there are some points you need to take care of

1. Your attention should be in your hands. Use it properly

2. Have straight and strong boundaries.

3. Build a good self-esteem.

4. Keep your peace and well being at priority.

5. Avoid arguing, man child will give you a good run for your money.

6. Be connected to your womanhood.

What is a good man?

A man with whom you can feel secured, loved and thrilled and a man who can keep you happy and fulfil your desires.

A good man does have bad habits and traits, He does make mistakes, get angry and irritated sometimes.

Let’s dig a little deeper to understand it better....

If there is a man who is a provider, protector and a leader, all these are good qualities and the qualities which can be seen superficially, but just think for a moment, a person who is a good protector must have worked hard to be tough, firm and strong(physically + emotionally) so to earn the status of a protector, If he is a good provider he must have earned that by consistently putting efforts on his goal by being mentally strong and avoiding all his temptation, desires and fun.

If he is a good leader, he must have learnt that by keeping emotions away from his decision making , and whether it has hurt his sentiments, he must have stood firmly by his rational side.

Only a man who has gone through this much toughness in his life will be a good man and this good man will also come up with some rudeness, straightforwardness, aggression , attitude, anger(not short term anger), ruthlessness and according to you he may sound emotionless but all this is worth it for what He is giving you - a good life.

If you are looking for such a man, first accept the reality of what a man is made up of and try to understand them in their own way.

Also, if you want to be with a king, you MUST be having the traits of a Queen.

Work on yourself - your body, face, intellect, emotions, health, beauty and hygiene.

A masculine man gravitates towards a feminine woman, just like a feminine woman gravitates towards a masculine man.

Masculinity In Women

A woman is the source of femininity, but it doesn’t mean that she should not have masculinity.

Just like masculine energy is important for the stability and firmness of the society, it is also important for keeping a woman stable and firm at times.

There is one big problem with masculinity in women, either people will demean it or people will over value it. And in both respective cases it is violated harshly.

In the first case, if you demean it, and make a woman only dependent on her femininity, she will become a liability for others. She always needs someone to protect and help her, which isn’t possible for anyone to be there for her 24hours.

In the second one, if you overvalue it and push a woman to become completely independent, she will lose herself and it will be a great loss.

It’s true that no man wants a masculine woman, just like no woman wants a feminine man.

To balance your masculine and feminine energy, first, you must know, do you have masculine energy? Or have some dominant masculine traits?

Signs you are having high masculinity:

• Tend to have more male friends
• You imagine yourself as a warrior / protector
• You want to fulfil others needs whilst sacrificing your own
• Highly aggressive
• Try to dominate every situation
• Being submissive sounds bad and demeaning to you

Father Figure Issues

Fathers are one of the cornerstones for the essential psychological development and well-being of children.

The first swing they enjoy is in the arms of their father, the first tear they cry is kissed away by his head which is much larger Only if life was as simple as he made them believe, they would fight much harder.

Children look to their father for physical and emotional feeling of security, they follow the rules enforced by him.

Relationship with father creates the filter with which we view ourselves and others, it also affects the important decisions we make like our goals and values.

An involved father promotes inner growth and also induces a sense of well-being and confidence. Fathers and sons As human beings, we evolve by imitating the behaviour of people around us.

Boys shape themselves based on their father's character, they seek their father's approval from a young age. To a boy a father's approval is a trophy; His strength is competition; his pride is motivation.

Fathers and daughters, unlike boys, girls model their relationship with others based on their father's character.

To a girl, a father's approval is joy; his strength, her armour; his pride, her strength.

A father paints the picture for what a good relationship with a man is like for his daughter, she will look for his qualities in men and will relate closely to men who are similar in character to her father.

These essential developments are hindered when the relationship with the father is severed or unhealthy resulting in psychological distress.

Types of distorted fathers

Unavailable father - Either walks out on his family or is there but emotionally unavailable.

Abused father - Distant from family because of some addiction, hence emotionally unavailable.

Deceased father - Who dies early leaving a void of fear and emptiness in his family

Each one of them leaves a distinct imprint on the child's mind; creating beliefs and issues that they carry into their adult life often causing obstacles in relationships and rendering them vulnerable to self-sabotage.

DADDY ISSUES

Fear of abandonment 

A fatherless woman unfortunately knows the pain of loss.

The loss/absence of a father creates a feeling of not being good-enough and abandonment creates an insidious fear of rejection, and commitment.

Being abandoned feels similar and right to them, yet they are terrified of it.

They play it safe to protect themselves by creating a wall around them subconsciously resulting in loss of connection, trust and comfort.

Sexual expression

Sexual expression is identified as a key indication for lack of father in the respective woman's life. It is innately about being in control.

This behaviour is very diverse ranging from promiscuity to a total avoidance of intimacy, in both cases the woman maintains a sense of control.

This obsession with control stems from the helplessness she felt as she lost her father in the childhood/teen stage of her life, this is to cope

with the feeling of powerlessness which she felt after she couldn't save his father.

This of course is a way to conceal the fear of the mind but this behaviour results in causing deep hurts and pain to the woman.

Lack of confidence

The feeling of being unwanted and unlovable starts to set in a young girl's mind after the loss of her father.

She gives into it by believing it to be true, hence creating a narrative which comes true when they only attract and accept love from people who treat her like

she treats herself - worthless and unwanted, further creating suffering for the woman.

Anger, sadness and guilt

Anger is a very common response to loss in people from all walks of life, a permanent loss like that of a father is painful as the child has no say it, the helplessness creates deep fear but as they grow up and realise that not everyone is suffering like them this breeds resentment and anger.

“Why does everyone have a dad but me?”

Anger as it is, is a form of sadness and disappointment. When they are angry they do things that they feel guilty about later, this becomes a vicious cycle of life for them.

Unknown to masculinity

Women without fathers often have a difficult time interacting and relating with men as they never were taught how to feel comfortable with a man due to the absence of her father.

This lack of understanding leads to them generalising men based on the very few experiences they have with them creating friction in their personal lives.

Overachieving and overeating to the point where it is

Obsessive and detrimental.

On the upscale fatherlessness, daughters develop a determined spirit and survival skills

early on in their lives.

They are loyal friends and value life, people and family deeply.

Solutions

Unavailable Dad

Fathers can be unavailable for a number of reasons like career pursuits, divorce etc. but the effect on children is the same regardless.

It is tough to be raised by someone who is supposed to nurture and love you but has no idea how to do so. This creates a deep feeling of abandonment and guilt in the child, there is a continuous search for what one did wrong?

For such coldness. A loss experienced in childhood yet felt through adulthood.

Understand that you are not in any way responsible for the distant coldness your father feels 

Something that might help your situation is knowledge about your dad's childhood. 

Parents often hide inside experiences and painful memories.

This unnatural aloofness arises from unprocessed grief.

Remember people process trauma differently, in no way shape or form can you change him so, trying is futile.

Learn enough about him to comprehend his situation; he tried his best to be a father to you whatever his perception of father figure may be

Forgiveness is the first step of overcoming the hurt and pain tying you down.

Don't adapt to the same coldness that you detest in him.

Matching what you see in him to show your anger can be tempting but refrain from doing so, as you'll be manifesting his behaviour into yours.

Abusive father

For any father to knowingly hurt their child with either physical or emotional abuse is obviously wrong, there are no excuses for it.

He might justify it by various reasons like:

“It's for your own good”

“You made me do it”

The only thing abuse teaches is fear.

Fear is harmful; Fear manifests as anger later on in life which might hurt you or the people you love.

Emotionally abused kids often have the same psychological problems and challenges as physically abused kids minus the physical injuries.

Often these abusers are addicts / alcoholics; incapable of maintaining relationships as their primary relationship is with their addiction.

One of the struggles with abuse of a father is that one does love him and want to give him second, third, fourth chance and hope that he may finally change and learn to love.

Coming to terms with the good and bad in him is a struggle.

Growing up in this environment can be stifling, living in constant fear of saying the wrong thing, a nightmare one can't wake up from ; getting out seems like a faraway dream.

This has a lasting effect on the mind, one never truly gets over the issues they develop from this kind of abuse; there is always going to be a part of mind that holds on to that no matter how hard one tries to let it go.

There are wounds so deep they may never heal. 

But there is always a path for growth; one can learn from their experience and grow or can let them take one down.

Solutions

Acceptance

It's okay if you forgive him/ don't forgive him, the abuse says nothing about you but everything about him the anguish that you

went through, no child deserves to be treated that way by a parent.

Affirmations

A lot of times you have to deal with the hurt inner child who feels rage for being treated so badly by the one person who was supposed to love and protect her.

A childhood lost/ruined can fill the brain with negative beliefs.

Affirmations may help with replacing these with something positive and of value.

Exercise

All too often, abused children become abusers later in life.

Make sure you don't commit the same mistakes as him, decide now to not to be fearful, angry or grumpy.

Physical exercise often helps with that; any sport or physical activity will help you get rid of and manage the anger bottled inside you

Volunteer

Children with abusive parents always develop a ridiculously low self-esteem

Volunteering to help the people in need or stray animals may help with building a sense of bliss

and purpose.

The helplessness may seem familiar and helping them through it may boost your

esteem.

Deceased Father

Losing a dad may be one of the most unfortunate things that can happen to a daughter.

A loss like that truly breaks the heart but the purpose of life is to get back up and start again.

Solution

Support yourself.

Find ways to support yourself and your family financially, this should be the utmost priority; use your inheritance (if any) wisely.

Don't let grief cloud your judgement in financial matters.

Learn about finance and it's management.

(there’s plenty of information about finances on this Patreon)

Reconnect with family

Your family is feeling the same loss and grief as you, they'll need your support too in the same way as you'll need theirs.

Although you might not feel like talking, do it for your family and try not to push anyone away.

Talk about your father to them, it might be painful initially but eventually you'll start remembering the good stuff.

Stability

Pursue interests that help in developing satisfaction and contentment.

Something like painting, gardening, getting creative, reading, cooking , writing based on convenience.

Our mind is the intimate garden our thoughts get to play in, keeping the mind content is essential for growth.

Balancing masculinity

Acceptance

Accept that you do have masculine traits and they are not wrong.

Don’t accept it with an entitlement, accept it politely.

Know your masculine traits

Do a self analysis, see what traits you are having and how you can use them without losing your core self.

What’s your dominant work?

In daily life what work you give your 60% time, this is your dominant work.

If it is feminine work , then you are on the right path.

If it is masculine work, include more feminine activities to your daily routine.

*If you are a woman who hasn't chosen any path till now, go for the work where your predominant activities of the day remain feminine.

This is the simplest way and most of people know this, BUT, unfortunately only few of them are able to do so.

What masculine dominated women struggle with:

• Not knowing their predominant tasks
• Dont want to make the effort
• Unknown to feminine activities
• Not consistent

These are some struggles due to which most women fail in balancing their energies.

So, first know your predominant task, be in a mood to put in the effort, involve feminine activities in your daily life and be consistent with your plan.

Till next time.