Things I Learned About Dating From an Incel

• You can totally buy sex with a burger. Dating is a bargain basement version of prostitution. It’s the cheapest way to get a shag.
• If you can’t buy her a burger, push her chair in for her. Vaginas are flowers that bloom when you hold doors open for them. This is definitely the cheapest ho you’ve ever bought.
• If you no longer want to talk to the Tinder match you sent a message to an hour ago, you’re required to break up with them in a detailed message. Divorce papers are optional, but appreciated. The dudebro in question will throw a tantrum if you don’t include a comprehensive list of reasons. Providing those reasons will, however, lead to a tantrum. It’s totally worth the trouble, though, because reasons.
• “Female” may be used as a noun as though we’re living in a David Attenborough documentary. He doesn’t think you’re an ape, though. He promises. Now sit, Ubu. Sit.
• Females are obligated to send rejection letters to everyone who writes to them because dudebros call up every business that sends them junk mail.
• What? They totally do.
• Just be quiet.
• Refusing to shag every pickup artist you meet is denying them happiness. You are, nonetheless, required to be a virgin.
• If a female dates someone who is not you, it qualifies as hypergamy and is thus unjust. Females should justify their dating choices so that incels can make sure they’re dating their fair share of men who hate them. If they don’t date enough men who hate them, they’re failing at their duties and are required to shag someone they don’t want to shag immediately.
• According to misogynists, all men are women-hating dudebros with senses of entitlement. This does not, however, make them misandrists. No, really.
• Women aren’t capable of having jobs or buying their own dinner. They will thus spend two hours talking to you if there’s a free meal in it for them. All women are starving and homeless, but the wage gap is still a myth.
• A good man is defined by the crimes he doesn’t commit. If he didn’t assault you, you owe him sex. This is not an attempt at coercive assault, though. It’s dating justice. Or something.