Why Everything I Learned About BDSM Ethics Was Wrong

One of my kink mentors taught me that the secret to ethical sadomasochism lies in the difference between hurt and harm. BDSM might hurt, she said, but it should never, ever cause damage. It was a fairy tale so moral it sparkled in the sunlight, but in practice, it never did me a stitch of good.

Let’s get the difference out of the way before we move on.

Hurt is ouchy. It causes physical or emotional distress.

Harm causes actual damage and injury.

The idea of avoiding harm sounds sparkly and nice, but if you’re a masochist, you’ll have a tough time living up to that standard. Even a mediocre caning will leave an injury, and everything we do can cause harm. Bruising is harm. Blood is harm, so what are you actually talking about, Nancy? Because pain that doesn’t cause bruising isn’t pain enough for me.

I found that our safe, sane, and consensual trope was equally useless to me. Nothing we do in BDSM is safe. Even basic impact can cause serious damage. One poorly aimed strike, and you’re at the GP’s office getting your kidneys pulpated. I’ve been treated for enough kink injuries to know that the safety plans of brats and men oft go awry. It’s okay, though, because someone invented RACK to fix everything that’s wrong with SSC.

RACK says we should be aware of the risks we take, and that’s grand. It means my husband, Tom Hardy, can suspend me over a waterfall because I know it’s dangerous, and the knowing makes it all okay.

That sounds like another moralistic fairytale to me. So does PRICK, so I quickly learned that our ethical tools are blunt. I worked with them anyway because I had nothing better. In time, I found out they weren’t bad tools after all. I was just using them for the wrong things.

Tropes like SSC and hurt vs. harm aren’t hammers. They’re rulers. You’ve got to use them to measure, not define. Hurt is on the far left of the ruler. Harm is on the far right. Similarly, safety, risk awareness, and sanity are just one side of the ruler. Nobody is safe or sane enough to hit the farthest measurement on the left. They’re just using the device to measure the level of risk they’re comfortable taking. They’re finding the right point in between.

The answer to ethical kink isn’t binary. It’s a spectrum, and we’ve all got to choose our spot on the scale. As long as I’m thinking about my idea of harm, I’m okay, because I’m being intentional. I’m measuring my safety and correcting my mistakes.

So sure, our consent tropes are blunt tools, but rulers don't have to be sharp. As long as you’re using them to measure things and not to hammer nails into walls, you’re okay. The point isn’t to achieve BDSM perfection. The point is to

T

H

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N

K!

SSC, hurt vs. harm, RACK, and all the other models aren’t definitive. They’re there to help us to think more consciously about our ethics. This is why I use every consent acronym in the bucket: SSC, RACK, PRICK, and CCCC—because you should measure twice and cut once.

You will never be absolutely safe. You’ll never be 100% responsible or risk averse because that’s impossible. That doesn’t mean you get to throw the ruler over a cliff. It means you’re supposed to find your own point on the spectrum.