Hard Digest June 28: Early Access ICE, Rick Rubin, Movies, and More

New ICE Recruitment Ad Just “Click Click Boom” Playing Over Video of Mexican Kid’s Birthday Party

By Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — ICE unveiled a new recruitment ad today that was just Saliva’s “Click, Click, Boom” playing at an insanely loud volume over a video of a Mexican kid’s birthday party, sources confirmed.

“Look at little Guillermo smugly enjoying his birthday party, not a care in the world—that should be your cake, your nine-year old friends, your loving family singing you happy birthday, but instead this border hopping piece of shit took all that from you,” said ICE recruiter Clark Gibson, shouting over the Saliva soundtrack. “So what are we gonna do about it, huh? Sit back and let violent hordes of nine-year old illegals steal our birthday presents? Or are we gonna raid this Chuck E. Cheese, kick some grade school ass, and break up some motherfuckin’ families?”

Clint Hendricks, director of the recruitment video, broke down the artistic decisions that brought his vision to life.

“When I was conceptualizing this video I really wanted to show that the ICE agency is radical law enforcement for the Trump era, coming down with the new style, and you know it’s buck wild,” said Hendricks, stroking his soul patch. “See the pinata represents the American dream, which the foreign children beat with sticks until they can steal everything for themselves. And here you’ll notice the tasteful use of crosshairs over the kid’s pregnant aunt. Now some critics have complained that the use of ‘Click, Click, Boom’ might suggest we’re promoting violence towards children, and to those people I would say: we originally wanted ‘Seek and Destroy,’ but getting the rights from Metallica was way too expensive.”

ICE Director Todd Lyons hinted that future recruitment videos would be coming soon to boost enrollment.

“After waging trench warfare against the immigrant hordes in Los Angeles, we knew we were going to need to boost our recruitment numbers if we had any chance of eradicating this foreign contagion. Thankfully, we’ve got some new recruitment videos that make ‘Birth of a Nation’ look like ‘In the Heights,'” said Lyons. “We’re in contact with Drowning Pool to use ‘Bodies’ in a new community outreach campaign, but we’ve also got something special planned for the beginning of football season. Remember those Terry Tate: Office Linebacker commercials on ESPN? Picture that but with ICE agents brutalizing Venezuelan grandmas in a nursing home, pure cinema.”

At press time, Lyons had reportedly commissioned a new ICE training video that was just the first half of “American History X.”

How To Tell if Rick Rubin Is Producing Your Album or Just Simply Napping

By Kyle Donley

So Rick Rubin is producing your next album. Fantastic news! He’s a musical genius known for unconventional production methods such as transcendental snacking and recumbent unconscious listening. But how can you tell if he’s actively producing your album in a deep meditative trance or if he’s just sleepy after a big lunch?

Don’t worry, The Hard Times has got you covered! Please refer to our comprehensive guide below to help you identify the proper context clues and navigate this challenging scenario like a pro!

Did Rick just have lunch or a large snack?

If the answer is yes, chances are Rick is napping. If you are unsure, survey the area for clues (Are there crumbs in his beard? Is he using a half-eaten bag of Sun Chips as a pillow? Et cetera)

Is Rick wrapped in a blanket?

He’s probably sleeping. If you notice he’s brought his own blanket, he’s definitely sleeping. If it’s more of a throw blanket that was already on the couch, take note of the room’s temperature and use your best judgement.

Is the couch pushed all the way up to the mixing console?

He’s almost certainly producing. Don’t worry, he knows not to touch the faders.

Is Rick muttering, and if yes, what is he muttering?

Muttering is normally a good sign that Rick is semi-conscious or at the very least in a fugue-like state. However, it is essential to pay close attention to what he is muttering, as well. If it’s more along the lines of “Hell yeah” and “Now we’re getting somewhere”, he is almost certainly producing. However, if he’s saying stuff like “Nana, they don’t make shoes that small, it’s no use” he may very well be sleeping.

Are the lights turned off?

This is a tricky one. If the lights are turned off he could be sleeping or he might just be trying to set the vibe. Take note of the vibe. Is there a hookah in the room? Is he wearing a cool hat? Proceed with caution.

Is Rick hooked up to a CPAP machine?

He’s sleeping.

Overall he’s sleeping most of the time, but sometimes he’s producing, and in one very specific case he did both, producing Stadium Arcadium entirely in his sleep “Weekend At Bernies” style. We hope this informative guide has been helpful for aspiring musicians everywhere looking for Rick Rubin to take credit for their work.

“Movies We Think You’ll Like” Section Sends Woman Into Identity Crisis

By Dom Turek

HIALEAH, Fla. — Local Netflix user Julia Owen was left contemplating her sense of self, purpose, and place in the world after Netflix suggested she might enjoy watching “Lilo and Stitch,” “Martyrs,” and a documentary on Serena Williams, among other bizarre titles, sources close to the woman confirmed.

“You think you know who you are and then, bam!” said Owen, “The streaming service you once knew and trusted implies you’re the type of deviant who wants to see a double feature showing ‘Drumline’ followed by a four hour Belgian minimalist film depicting a clinically depressed woman performing household chores. I know there are strategies for dealing with identity issues, but no amount of journaling in the world is going to make me forget that Netflix thought I would enjoy ‘Young Sheldon.’”

The controversial “We think you may like” section has terrorized Owen’s already shaky sense of self for years, and recently, even started negatively impacting her dating life.

“I asked her out because I thought she was cute and I noticed we both had the same coffee order,” said Joe Rhyne, who briefly dated Owen. “It was going well until she invited me over and asked me to put something on the TV while she was in the bathroom. I’m not usually a nosy guy, but when I saw ‘Cannibal Holocaust’ side by side with ‘Toy Story 2’ on her suggested movies, I decided it was best to make up an excuse to leave before I ended up on a missing persons list.”

Owen has explained to friends and family that this strange collection of movies is simply a software glitch; however, experts maintain that no such problem exists.

“People don’t want to see themselves as they truly are,” said Michael Lineberry, a software engineer for Netflix. “I can’t tell you how many complaints I receive from people regarding our ‘top picks for you’ feature. Sometimes I email them back personally and remind them that the easiest way to know who you are is to know who you are not, and unfortunately, you are not the type of person who dislikes ‘Entourage.’ That can be a hard pill for anyone to swallow.”

Owen was seen trading in all her streaming services for basic cable after Hulu suggested she “couldn’t get enough” of classic teen musicals.

Boston Dynamics Dog Rushed to Vet After Getting Into a Bag of Unattended Flash Drives

BY Garry Kerls

BOSTON — A serious medical emergency occurred this past weekend after a Boston Dynamics robotic dog named Spot got into an unattended Ziplock baggie of flash drives, sources confirm. 

“We knew something wasn’t right when he unexpectedly went into sleep mode and leaked oil all over the carpet,” said college student and new dog owner Sarah Clark. “Those thumb drives were just for some recreational activities, I had no idea Spot would be able to unzip my backpack and open the plastic bag they were in, I swear I’m a responsible pet owner.”

The 22 year old was in tears as she rushed her electronic canine into the 24 vet at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s Robotic Veterinary Practice, whose veterinary doctors were able to perform a live saving debug. 

“It’s not the first time we’ve had a case like this, they practically teach a whole unit about it in undergrad, that and what to do when an HDMI cord is wrapped around your dogs neck is pretty much robotic veterinary 101,” says Brionna Martin, the Chief Veterinarian at MIT’s emergency vet clinic. “99% of the time the dog’s anti-virus software catches any problems, all that’s left after that is a simple reboot and two day charge.”

Boston Dynamics, the manufacturers of Spot, released a swift response statement stressing the importance of safety and responsibility that comes with being a robotic dog owner.

“We try to urge anyone who is considering buying a dog to take the preventative measures to avoid anything like this happening,” says Boston Dynamics’ Public Relations Officer, Dylan McDonald. “Low to the ground water features, an unsecure wifi network, and even a single grape can be a death sentence to our delicate pups.”

At press time, Spot has made a full recovery and the whole ordeal has encouraged his owner, Sarah, to kick flash drives and get sober.