Hard Digest June 22: Iran, Early Access, Country Music, The Strokes, and Splash Mountain

Trump Claims “Very Successful” Bombing Campaign in Iran Has Killed the Actual Osama bin Laden

By The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump boasted that the U.S.-led military strike on Iranian nuclear facilities successfully killed the architect of the 9/11 attacks, Osama bin Laden, who was previously thought to have been killed in 2011 by elite military forces, sources confirmed.

“We got him, well I got him. Because this was my idea, and it was a great idea I had, I’m not sure why nobody thought of this before me. Today all of America, and the world, can sleep a little bit better because we killed a really bad dude. Osama, sounds like the name of a president we used to have, is dead. America’s big beautiful bombs landed right on top of him and turned him into dust,” said Trump. “Some people, not very smart people, say he has been dead for over a decade. But that was part of the radical leftist lunatic Democrats’ plan to open up our borders so even more people could fly planes into towers. That’s what they want. Democrats were cheering in New Jersey when those planes hit.”

Trump supporter Darren Osgood was ecstatic when he heard the news.

“You see, I knew the government was lying when they said they killed him back in the day. We never even saw the body. If they actually killed him they should have put him on top of a truck and drove him around to every town in America so we could see that dead son of a bitch,” said Osgood. “But thankfully Trump used real bombs to vaporize that piece of crap. And I don’t want to hear any of these liberals whining and complaining about how this was an illegal strike that goes against American values. Think about the gas prices, those are probably going to be lower again, I think, and that’s what really matters.”

Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard refuted the president’s claim.

“There is no evidence that Osama bin Laden was still alive, and there is certainly no evidence that he was in Iran trying to enrich uranium in order to make a nuclear weapon. These were targeted strikes on multiple facilitie,s and we tried to keep civilian casualties to a minimum,” said Gabbard. “That said, President Trump has now installed himself as the honorary leader of the new SEAL Team 6. He also said he plans on holding a celebration where he will present himself with the Presidential Medal of Freedom and a Purple Heart. While he’s doing that I’ve been smashing every mirror in a ten-mile radius because I can’t stand to look at myself anymore.”

At press time, Trump claimed he personally arrested bank robber, and Public Enemy Number One, John Dillinger, and plans to ship him to El Salvador.

Country Songwriter Has Totally New Angle on Dirt Roads, Cold Coors Light, and a Pretty Blonde Gal Whose Mama Raised Her Right

By Jason Clemence

NASHVILLE — Country songwriting newcomer Bill “Ribeye” Jackson unveiled a new track that reportedly had completely inverted the dominant paradigm of down-home narratives about dirt roads, cold Coors Light, and pretty blonde gals whose mama raised ‘em right, confirmed sources.

“In the hands of lesser performers, dirt roads are just a simple stand-in for small town simplicity and the idea that communities with populations greater than 5,000 are weird and scary,” said Jackson. “But hoo boy, you’d better believe listeners are going to love my first hit about how the federal government ought to descend upon small towns to pave over those dirt roads in order to encourage commercial investment. No more four-wheelin’ and country cruisin’, boys. In my quaint fantasy world, the best way to connect with your rough-around-the-edges buddies involves non-profit social justice collectives and enjoying a few warm Coors Lights that have been sitting out in the sun for a while.”

Country performer Jeff McCoomb expressed enthusiasm for Jackson’s groundbreaking approach.

“All the bigshots who get radio play and platinum records these days just seem to want to chug cans of cheap domestic beer and drive out to the edge of town with their buddies. I don’t know if my esteemed colleagues know this, but impaired vehicle operation is illegal,” said McCoomb. “Well, after a nasty bidding war, my manager just bought the rights to Jackson’s newest song, which will provide an important corrective to such recklessness by telling the tale of a rowdy young man who does some serious soul-searching after downing a 12-pack, plowing into a family of four, and getting off with just probation because his daddy plays poker with the local prosecutor.”

Record producer Jimmy “Ace” Brennan expressed similar approval of Jackson’s characterization of women.

“Instead of cowboy boots, Daisy Dukes, and an old checkered shirt tied just right to show what God gave her, the girl in Ribeye’s newest song wears a tastefully tailored business suit to prepare for her admissions interview at Oberlin. The song’s narrator will rethink his casual objectification of women when she comes home for Thanksgiving break and introduces him to the work of feminist academic luminaries like bell hooks and Joan Copjec,” said Brennan. “We all know that modern country music fans crave variety in their music, and a song like this will really challenge them to think about a new perspective on what women are capable of.”

At press time, Jackson was putting the finishing touches on a new track about how, although a very small percentage of folks on food and housing assistance might be working the system, a comprehensive social safety net is exactly what Jesus would have wanted.

Oh, You’re a Strokes Fan? Name Three Pitchfork Writers

By S.L. Neechski

You there. Yeah, you. I see you in that, ahem, “vintage” Strokes t-shirt, leaning against the wall in your ripped jeans and your Chuck Taylors. Hey hey hey. Take off those douche-y Wayfarers and look at me with those coked-out eyes of yours when I’m talking to you. At least you got the drug-habit part right. Good good good.

Anyhow, if you’re such a Strokes fan, name three Pitchfork writers. If you’re wearing that shirt, then you know Pitchfork loves their first two albums and hates every one that came after, because all of their records since then have been dogshit. Any Strokes fan worth their obscenely-expensive leather jacket knows their best record since Dubya’s first term is Albert Hammond Jr.’s Momentary Masters, because the band as a creative unit are more dysfunctional than my marriage.

So name some Pitchfork writers. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Lester Bangs? What decade do you think you’re in? Yeah, OK, I guess if you’re into post-punk and booger sugar, you probably think it’s 1978 or whatever. That said, Bangs is a porn-stached asshole who shit on Black Sabbath, the most coked-up band EVER, so fuck him.

Brent DiCrescenzo? That pretentious douche hasn’t been on Pitchfork’s staff in twenty years, which is probably for the best, since he spent more time overwriting than a CD-RW drive. That so-called review of “St. Anger?” He talked about ProTools snorting fire ants. Like, what the fuck does that even mean?

Name one current Pitchfork writer. Just one. You should at least be able to tell me who reviewed their first—and, obviously, best—album.

No no no, “The Modern Age” was their first EP. Their first LP was “Is This It.” Duh.

Give up? Pitchfork’s founder Ryan Schreiber wrote about “Is This It,” because of course he did. No one else was qualified to write about an album THAT cool, by a band THAT cool, on a site THAT cool — except for its insanely-cool founder. Schreiber’s so cool he left Pitchfork before it went downhill and became totally un-cool. Shit, he was probably wearing a Strokes shirt when he strutted out those doors one last time.

Anyway, got any coke I could buy off you?

Trump Signs Executive Order Demanding “Song of the South” be Reinstated at Splash Mountain

By Johnny Amizich

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump signed an executive order that required Disneyland to reopen Splash Mountain and “Song of The South” be restored to what he called its “beautiful heritage,” sources confirmed.

“The way that all-time classic has been treated by Disney is a disgrace,” Trump said during the signing of the order. ”People come up to me at my rallies, tears streaming down their face, can you believe, and they say, ‘Well, sir, the Democrats decided honoring Southern heritage was offensive so they replaced our beloved ‘Song of The South’ with Tiana’s ‘Bayou Adventure,’ and it’s just shameful. And you’ll never guess what happened when they did that. It closed down! You had all these people showing up to Disney going, ‘Who the hell is Tiana?’ and they just leave. They leave the park. If Disney doesn’t do the right thing I hate to think of what might happen to them. Once Pete Hegseth finishes drinking his lunch we’re going to discuss our military options because this is a disgrace.”

Disney representative Dianna Brooke was surprisingly on board with the order.

“President Trump made some excellent points in between his rants about ‘the radical left’ and how McDonald’s french fries use to be saltier than they are today,” said Brooke. “We plan to comply with the order fully as soon as we figured out what we did with all the parts from the Splash Mountain ride. After all, Southern heritage is something all Americans should be proud of and celebrate. It’s not about race. It’s about an infinite supply of free labor, which is an initiative Disney can get behind.”

Chief Strategist and aspiring cuckold Stephen Miller applauded Disney’s complicity.

“This marks a brave first step in denouncing the shameful smearing of the Confederacy by Disney, and President Trump and the entire administration congratulate them on their bravery,” Miller said. “The American people can rest easy knowing that the president is committed to renewing state rights and restoring order to our country. This is just the first of many steps the Trump administration will be taking. Next, he will be signing a follow-up order requiring Disney to bring back racist stereotypes in their cartoon characters. Discrimination and bigotry brought a lot of joy to children.”

At press time, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. were being treated at the Disneyland medical center after drinking too much of the chemically treated water on Splash Mountain during the inaugural ride at its grand reopening.