Why You Feel Like You Can't Speak

Hello Patrons,

I want to thank you for your continued support. Your support has been a great motivation for me to continue doing what I do. I would like to share some knowledge with you on a topic that isn't discussed openly but affects us all the same. It is the topic of double binds, which is responsible for more pain, suffering, and symptoms that look like mental illness than any other situation.

As The Situational Therapist, I know situations. I haven't talked about them much, but that doesn't mean I don't know them.  And there is one situation that is responsible for more pain, more suffering, and more symptoms that look like mental illness than any other and that is the double bind.

A double-bind is a situation where no matter what option you choose, there will be some sort of negative outcome and the option to not choose isn't available to you.  On top of that the choices you have to make conflict with each other.  For example, a mom telling her child to "don't be so obedient".  If the child does what the mom asks and becomes disobedient, then they will be punished. If the child does not do what the mom asks and stays obedient, they will be punished.  And if the child tries to point out the situation they are in, they will be punished for being disrespectful.

It is a frustrating situation, one that is impossible to win without outside intervention.  Someone must point out to you the impossibility of the situation you are in.  Here are a few examples of double-binds

1. Feeling guilty for not spending enough time with loved ones, but also feeling overwhelmed and stressed by their demands for attention: This double bind arises when someone feels like they're not giving enough time and attention to their loved ones, but at the same time, they feel overwhelmed by the demands and expectations of their loved ones, which makes it difficult to spend more time with them.
2. Feeling like you need to be perfect at work to avoid criticism, but also feeling like any mistake could lead to negative consequences: This double bind occurs when someone feels like they need to be perfect at work to avoid criticism or negative consequences, but at the same time, they feel like any mistake they make could lead to negative consequences, which makes it difficult to perform well.
3. Feeling like you need to hide your true self to fit in with a social group, but also feeling like you're not being true to yourself if you do: This double bind arises when someone feels like they need to conform to the expectations of a social group to fit in, but at the same time, they feel like they're sacrificing their true self and identity to do so.
4. Feeling like you need to prioritize your own needs, but also feeling guilty for not putting others first: This double bind occurs when someone feels like they need to prioritize their own needs and well-being, but at the same time, they feel guilty for not putting others first and meeting their needs.
5. Feeling like you need to be productive all the time to be successful, but also feeling burnt out and exhausted from overworking: This double bind arises when someone feels like they need to be constantly productive and working to be successful, but at the same time, they feel burnt out and exhausted from overworking, which affects their productivity.
6. Feeling like you need to assert your own boundaries, but also feeling guilty for potentially hurting someone else's feelings: This double bind occurs when someone feels like they need to assert their own boundaries and protect their well-being, but at the same time, they feel guilty for potentially hurting someone else's feelings or causing conflict.
7. Feeling like you need to speak up and express your opinions, but also fearing judgement and criticism from others: This double bind arises when someone feels like they need to speak up and express their opinions, but at the same time, they fear judgement and criticism from others, which makes it difficult to speak up.
8. Feeling like you need to conform to societal expectations of gender, race, or other identity markers, but also feeling like you're suppressing a part of yourself by doing so: This double bind occurs when someone feels like they need to conform to societal expectations of gender, race, or other identity markers, but at the same time, they feel like they're suppressing a part of themselves or their identity by doing so.
9. Feeling like you need to stay in a toxic relationship to avoid being alone, but also feeling unhappy and unfulfilled in the relationship: This double bind arises when someone feels like they need to stay in a toxic relationship to avoid being alone or to protect other aspects of their life, but at the same time, they feel unhappy and unfulfilled in the relationship.
10. Feeling like you need to take care of others at the expense of your own well-being, but also feeling guilty for neglecting your own needs: This double bind occurs when someone feels like they need to take care of others, but at the same time, they feel guilty for neglecting their own needs and well-being.

Number 6 is the one that I think most will struggle with who find comfort in my platform.  It can be difficult to set boundaries with someone who you know will react negatively to them.  Many people struggle with doing so from past life experiences and then it is exacerbated by current life experiences.

I have had such issues in my own life as well.  One of the biggest double binds I have had to work through is setting boundaries with my platform.  I both want to appeal to a large audience, while at the same time feel stuck and unable to speak my mind because some of my thoughts might offend part of the community. I can continue to do my platform in the way I have , but if I continue this way it just becomes more and more confusing as it isn't clearly defined.  A lot of this has to do with the fact that some people in the world lack the cognitive ability to see me as more than just a therapist.  There are just some followers I need to say no to. So why is this such a problem? Why can I not just "do it"?

Well If you grew up with a parent who punished you for setting boundaries, for example not wanting to be physically affectionate, you might learn to associate guilt and shame with saying no.  Then let's say you get into a relationship with someone who raises their voice, withdraws affection, or even harms themselves in the face of your boundary.  You might also feel guilty saying no and on top of that, you might start policing yourself before you even get in the situation.

In such a situation it is normal to feel guilt, shame, anxiety, depression, and the most uncomfortable an inability to make a decision.  You will feel paralyzed and stuck.  It is similar to writers block, but for the choices you make in your life.  So how do you get out of this?

1. Recognize the pattern: First, it's important to recognize when you're in a double bind situation. This can be tricky because double binds are often disguised as normal situations or requests. But once you're aware of the pattern, you can start to look for ways out.
2. Identify your values: Think about what's most important to you and what you want to achieve. This can help you prioritize your actions and make decisions that align with your goals.
3. Seek support: Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional about your situation. They can provide you with support, feedback, and perspective.
4. Set boundaries: Be clear about what you are and are not willing to do. It's okay to say no and to set boundaries that protect your well-being and values.
5. Focus on what you can control: Remember that you can't control other people's behavior or decisions, but you can control your own. Focus on what you can do to improve your situation, rather than dwelling on what you can't change.

The most important step though is recognizing that it isn't your fault that you are in a double bind and that you must have compassion for yourself.  Although you do play a role in the interaction you are bound in, sometimes the role you play is simply existing. And the situation you are in is difficult enough, you don't need to add shame and self-loathing, and hatred to it as well.

Does this make sense? What are some binds you are currently in? How have you escaped binds in the past? I look forward to your discussion below and thank you for your support.