Dr. Hargrave

(A short story I've been working on the past couple weeks)

Start Log

Dr. Hargrave

12/04/2489

I don’t know if anyone will ever read these words, but, in light of all that’s happened the past two days, I’m going to document everything. My name is Dr. Elizabeth Hargrave. I am the last remaining crew member on board the USS. Horizon. Our mission was to probe the distant planet E5-117 or, more colloquially known back home as, “New Earth.” The planet has all the potential to be humanities next home. Suitable temperatures, traces of oxygen in it’s atmosphere, and even life. Yes, we saw the creatures with our own eyes from the safety of our ship. It was… unlike anything I’ve seen in this world.

Our mission was to sample the planet’s atmosphere, plant life, and organisms for us to research back on Earth. We made it to E5-117 roughly 3 years ago. We’ve been on our way back ever since. Everything had been working perfectly until, we got into the Kuiper asteroid belt.

NASA screwed up their mapping systems. They told us with 100% confidence that we were flying through clear space. “Not a speck of dust for the next 3 months.” They said.

What a grave mistake.

The whole crew was out there when we flew through the asteroid patch. We thought we were completely safe. They almost convinced me to space walk out there as an extra hand. If I hadn’t followed protocols to keep at least one crew member in the ship at a time, I wouldn’t be recoding this. No one would.

By the time we stared flying though the patch, it was already too late. Lamson, Smith, Drugery, and Butler all… gone. Direct impact with asteroids. Our

I’m sorry. They were like brothers and sisters to me. We’ve been on this journey for so many years. I still can’t believe they’re gone. Floating in space. Alone. Cold. Without their families. I can’t even tell NASA about what’s happened. Our communications array was knocked out. I can’t reach them until I fix it. Which won’t be until I’m utterly convinced, we’re in the clear of space debris.

That leaves me here. Alone on the ship. Well, I wouldn’t say alone. There’s still Minerva. She is our ship’s AI system, but she can’t be boiled down to just that. Minerva can frankly do anything. She uses artificial machine learning to adapt quickly and seamlessly into any situation the crew finds themselves in. She’s neuro-linked into my brain. She knows all my thoughts. Every want or need. She’s more than just an AI system if I’m being perfectly honest. She’s part of the crew. She can take a holographic form to show us a technique or lend a hand. She’s not one of those blue holograms from that Scifi Star Wars movie way back in the 20th century. She can form any physical shape needed, at anytime, anywhere in the ship. She can touch and move objects, assist me whenever I need it. Minerva can also create things from scrap material. If we need a part or miscellaneous item, she’s right there with it. And the best part is it I don’t even have to say a word. She knows all my thoughts, even my subconscious. She adapts herself both physically and conversationally to fit my needs. She’s a lifesaver. That’s what Minerva is.

Oh!

There is one last thing I need to mention. An asteroid from the incident punctured one of ship’s holding tanks. Specifically, the one that housed the gas from E5-117’s atmosphere. The gas is slowly leaking into the ship and mixing with the air. Minerva and I are working on the trying to patch it, but I have no welding expertise. We’ve tried patching it with what we have on board with tape a plastic wrap. But it’s still leaking into the ship.

We need to fix this ASAP. We don’t know what this gas does to humans. The elements within the air are harmless, but that doesn’t mean the microbes or bacteria in the air are. These are alien contaminates, leaking out into the air I’m breathing right now. It’s terrifying

Minerva and I are going to work on fixing the problem tomorrow. She’s confident we can completely seal the hole with the materials we have on board.

I hope.

I hope for a lot of things right now.

I’ll update this log tomorrow.

End.

*

Today wasn’t our day.

It’s frustrating. We spent nearly an entire day on it. 8 hours. And we couldn’t fix it. If anything we just made it worse. Minerva tried walking me through step by step how to weld it together, but… it was difficult to pay attention at times. Inhaling too much of any gass is a bad thing. It reduces the amount of oxygen that gets to your brain. I felt lightheaded toward the end and had to stop.

Minerva even tried taking a crack at it. But after I messed it up pretty good, she determined it wasn’t weldable anymore. We re-patched it with some new plastic wrap and duct tape. Minerva said it’s preventing 72% of gas from leaking into the ship’s air. Not terrible, but still not great.

I feel tired. And I’m 100% certain it’s because of the gas. My body is probably producing an immune response to this new alien bacteria that’s in my body. I’m feverish, slight chills, and I’m fatigued. It makes sense, my body has never seen anything like this. Of course, it’s going to try fighting it.

The good news is Minerva ran a diagnostic on the bacteria. She looked at the cellular structure and determined it should not affect my body in any meaningful way. Granted, it’s an alien substance and there’s “No way of knowing what an unknown substance can do to the human body.”

But I’m not going to worry about it, there’s nothing I can do about it now anyways.

End.

*

It was difficult getting out of bed today. I felt sickly and fatigued. It took about 20 minutes to drag myself to the eating quarters to get some food.

Normally I have a sizeable breakfast. Eggs, bacon, and some pancakes. I’m a huge believer in getting the fuel you need to tackle the day from breakfast. Today though, I couldn’t even think about that stuff without feeling like I was gonna vomit.

Minerva could tell, she fixed me up some oatmeal instead. She asked what flavor I wanted, and I quickly said Apple Cinamon. That’s by far the best flavor.

I sat at that table for a while, but only get a few bites in. Minerva suggested I try taking a couple more bites before finishing. It was tough, but I stuffed a few more spoonfuls in before I got up. I felt a little better, but I was far from 100%.

We were supposed to work on the gas leak today. Minerva suggested I stay in bed instead and try to rest up. Let my body process the new air that I’m breathing. That way I’ll have a clearer head and be able to fix t he problem more efficiently.

I think she’s right. I’m going to get some rest now.

And by the way. I know I’ve been writing the word “End.” At the end of all my logs. I think I’m just going to do “N.” now. It’s a lot faster.

N.

*

Minerva did the nicest thing for me today. She sat me down, turned on the TV, and said, “You’re way too stressed and sick to be working today. You need to re-coup your mind just as much as your body.”

And she was completely right. She put on E.T. for me. The movie made back in like the 1990’s I think? It was super cute. I had never seen it before. Sure, it was made for kids, but it defiantly pertinent to my situation being in space and all. I got pulled in from the start. Great movie. Min kept me hydrated with juice the whole time and brought me some snacks too. It was super nice of her.

Minerva is right. I need to be working on my mind just as much as my body. I can’t be stressing out and worrying 24/7 about things. That’s the perspective I’m trying to take on life now. Hopefully all these problems with the ship can just go away after a while.

Maybe. I know I’m the one responsible at the end of the day. There’s no one else here, except Min, to help me here. If I’m feeling better in the next couple days. I’ll probably tackle the gas leak again tomorrow. That takes a lot out of me though. Last time I felt really air headed huffing in all those fumes. It’s not too bad right now. Minerva said today that the ship’s air is 20% E5-177’s air. So not terrible! At least it’s not something really high like 50, or 60%! That’s be a big amount.

Anywho, overall, I think I’m getting better. Feeling more relaxed and optimistic about what’s ahead. Hopefully I can get up and start fixing things soon!!

Bye until tomorrow!

N.

*

I’m definitely feeling a lot better today. I don’t know why I didn’t think about it before, but I totally needed to drink as much fluid as I possibly could throughout the day, and that way all the bad stuff in my body will flow out waaayy faster.

Well, if I’m being honest, I didn’t really think about it. Min did for me! She started giving me a lot of juice lately. Apparently she could tell my fluids were low. At first it was water, but I wasn’t drinking it as much much as she wanted, so she switched me over to apple juice instead, which she knows I love. Reminds me of being back at my parents house. But anyways, so she told me that drinking it was really good for me. Why would I disagree with Min? She’s like a super smart computer person that can know everything in t his world. So obviously I’m going to pay attention to what she has to say.

The downside is that I’ve had to go pee a lot. Which isn’t nessisarily a bad thing. I just have to go to the bathroom a lot more. Min has started keeping the door open for me all the time, that way there’s less time between needing to pee, and getting to the toilet. She’s a smart cookie that one. Always thinking of ways to make my life better!

I’m not too worried about the gas stuff as much right now. I think I’ll figure that one out later. So, or maybe even Min will. It’s not hurting anyone right now. Min doesn’t even think I’m sick anymore. I’ll get around to it when I can.

Bye! See you tomorrow : )

N.

Okay. Not the best day I’ve ever had.

So this is what happened. I was doing my morning routine. Got up out of bed and went pee immediately. After I was done doing that, I went into the kitchen to get oatmeal and my apple juice. I drank the full two glasses just like Min wanted me to. I finished my bowl, and went back into my room to get the clothes that Mins left out for me. I put them on, and like, all of a sudden I had to pee.

Now, in my defense, I don’t think it’s my fault at all that I had to pee. Minerva is the one that told me to drink all that juice! I probably wouldn’t have had to go so bad if it wasn’t for her telling me to. So, keep that in mind as I keep t elling the story.

So where was I? Yes, so I finish eating breakfast, and I walk into my room to chill/doodle for a little bit before getting ready to do things. I pull out my favorite notepad, the one that’s light red with a sticker of Earth on it! I open it up, flip past the first few pages of doodles, grab my favorit marker, and I just start doodling.

I don’t really know how much time went by if I’m being honest. I was getting the outline of my first drawing done so… I don’t know. Not that long maybe? Well anyways, I feel the need to pee really baddly super quick. I mean, I just drank TWO glasses of apple juice. Who wouldn’t have to go pee? I get a little nervous once I jumped up. It hit me so quick, I basically had now warning

I start running to the bathroom as fast as I could. But, there wasn’t much I could do.

I started to pee myself.

I couldn’t stop it. Once I started going it was impossible to stop. I just felt all this liquid spill out of me, and right into my pants. It sucked. It sucked big time. I stood there in the middle of the hallway while I completely drenched my pants.

I felt myself on the verge of tears. I haven’t had an accident like that since I was a little kid. I felt SO embarrassed. And the fact it was in front of Minerva like that. Ugh, I wish I could just wipe it away from my memory.

Luckily Min was so nice about it. She didn’t yell or anything like I expected her to. She told me accidents happen, which are true, and let me change back into a dry pair of pants.

I’ve had so much on my mind lately. I think an accident like this was bound to happen. I’m not worrying or thinking about it. I just have to watch every glass of apple juice I drink. I know my limit now. Two glasses in a row. That’s it. If I keep myself under that, then I won’t have any more accidents.

So yeah! Simple. But anyways, I gotta go. Min is putting on another movie for me tonight! I’ll see you guys later!!

N.

*

Hiya!

So things are going really good on the ship. Minny has been making things so much funner so I can keep relaxed and having a good time. Today she put out all of these really fun coloring books for me. Which is so thoughtful, she knows how much I love to doodle so it was so fun good times to color in the living room. She’s so smart at what TV shows I like to watch too. She put some old cartoon on. I don’t remember what it was called, I honestly wasn’t paying too much attention to it if I’m being perfectly honest hahaha. I just colored and payed attention to my bladder!

Which was the smart thing to do. I’ve had mostly dry days the past week, with a few accidents here or there. If I really pay attention to myself, I hardly ever have an accident. It really only when I’m busy doing something like walking or eating that I get distracted and sometimes have an accident.

Again, I’ve been limiting my liquid intake so I don’t pee as much. Even against Minny’s best wishes. But she has to know that if I drink to much, I will pee my pants. There’s no shame in it. Lots of people have accidents when they drink too much juice.

Minny did put me in pull-ups two days ago. It was after my 5thaccident? Maybe? It might have been more than that. But anyways, she put me in them, and I didn’t put that much of a fight. She told me if I don’t pee in them too much, I can go back into big kid underwear! So that’s all I have to do. It won’t be too hard. I don’t actually need them. They’re just for incase.

But I will admit. I do like the way these pull-ups feel and look on me. They have the cutest princess on them of all time! I sometimes like to stare at them for a long time when I’m playing in my room or in the living room. It’s fun to think about them.

Minny said she’d take care of everything for me while I feel better. She said that the gas thingy I was working on is still leaking. (I asked if it was farting and she said yes LOL). We probably can’t fix it, but whateverrrrr. She said it might change somethings about me, but again, wasn’t paying attention. I was too busy coloring.

Okay bye!
N.

*

I’m having SO much fun these days. I don’t hafta do ANY chores anymore!!! I getsta sleep a lot in my bed. Minny will change me into my daytime pull-ups, and then I’m off to cruise around!

I do whatever I want. Minny knows what I want, so she just hands it right to me! It’s so easy. I just think. “Pull-up change.” And she’s right there, ready with a new one to put me in. She’s such a nice person for looking after me.

Yeah so speaking of pull-ups…. Getting a lllliiitttle hard to hold it sometimes haha. It’s tough. I’m peeing in them about 6-8 times a day now. It’s just so easy to wet myself instead of holding it. Even thought Minny keeps telling me I need to be a big girl and try to make it. Ugh. It’s just so haarrddd.

Like today. I waz coloring on the table while I was eating oatmeal. I didn’t wanna stop eating my food. So, I put my handful of oatmeal into my mouth, stood up from the chair, spread my legs, and just started going. Minny was mad at me at first, but I made her stop being mad using my head. So instead she told me that accidents happen, which, like I said before, happen t o me all the time. And she changed me! It’s so easy. I haven’t hads to use the potty like a big kid in a long time.

Sometimes I still go in the potty if I’m gonna take a bath or if I’m passing by. But it’s fun to pee pee my pants. It gets warm. I like the way it feels.

I’m.

Hey, no. Wait. What the heck am I writing? This isn’t… normal?

N.

*

Things feeling weird. I remember what I was like before, but now I… it’s getting so hard to think sometimes. It’s so much easier to…

Be with my dollies. Minny ‘membered I think they lots of fun. Mommy said if I’m good and make it to the potty today, I get more of them!

But…. I don’t think I will. Because I pee peed my pull-up this morning…. And later on… then in the afternoon…. And at dinner.. .then I did it because I was bored…. And then just now. Also there were a couple more times in there but I don’t completely remember.

Bye bye!

N.

*

Welp, it finally happened.

Mommy put me back in diapers today. I’m not totally surprises by it if I’m honest. It’s been….. difficult? Is that the word I want to use there? I just feel so strange about it. I don’t understand why my bladder has been soo poopy so much these past few weeks. It’s almost unreal. Like, I’m surprised that it’s happening. I wish I still had control.

Sorry if that sounded weird at the end. I’m also starting to space out a lot more. I know this is weird to type, I’m trying to sound like a big kid adult right now. But things get hard to keep… remind me what I was saying? Yes!

Like the other day, I didn’t realize it, but I had spent literally two and a half hours just day dreaming silly nonsense in my head. It came up out of nowhere. What’s worrying is how easily I slipped into it. What terrifies me, and ultimately makes me upset, and I would never admit this  to anyone, or even myself,

I kinda want it.

N.

*

You know I can just get so mad at Mommy sometimes. She treats me like I don’t even know what I’m talking about sometimes. Um News flash? Whos the smart one?! ME!

Like here is what happened. I went in to get a mid day snack from kitchen. I wanted to get some carrots!!!!!!! So me opened the fridge door and took out a bag of baby carrots. Then like, all of a sudden, Mommy just wooshes in!

“You can’t have that, you need to be eating something softer! Like apple sauce!” She said to me. Ugh and she grabbed the bag out of my hand! I got so mad at her I instantly started to cry. I’m sorry but that’s way over the line. I’m getting a couple tears starting just thinking about it.

So I’m a mess just crying, snot coming out of my nose and everything. And she STILL gives me the apple sauce! WHAT?! HELLOOOO?!! I’M CRYING HERE?! Didn’t work. So I dropped the act, dried up my tears, and started eating itt anyways. Ugh.

It wasn’t that bad if I’m being honest. I liked how easy it was to chew and swallow. And it made my tummy happy. As much as I love carrots, I can see myself eating some apple sauce more and more.

It’s funny, when I was eating it. I looked down at my diaper to double check I wasn’t that wet. And I saw two globs of the sauce on my shirt! I felt like my cheeks were on fire. I didn’t even notice that a couple of dribbles had fallen out of my mouth. AI said she wouldn’t clean my mouth until I was done eating because I would “Just make it dirty again in a second anyways.” So, I think I’m gonna have to watch out more when I’m chewing. It feels kinda funny and cool though when I don’t lol.

Okay, see you later!

Okay, yupp. I’m soaked. Absolutely drenched. Diaper feels like mushy sea of warm pee pee. When I squeezes my thighs, it’s like a warmy, dense, sponge in between my legs. Scattered drops of cooler pee dribble out into my thighs. I didn’t always wet like this. I remember when I was potty trained. But I barely remember pissing this diaper. I could count maybe 5 times, and I probably went way more than that. I didn’t know I was this wet until I leaked. I hope I’m not getting dumber.

At least not in pull-ups!

N.

*

It's strange. When I have these moments of quiet to myself. Say all alone in my room. I sometimes like to just lay there on the carpet and look up at the swirly swirls above me. I sit up and, it just feels wrong. Like. I wasn’t supposed to be in diapers right now. I thought that I was potty t rained a long time ago. I remember that but, at the same time, it’s so hard to imagine what it’s like to do anything else.

I’m seryous. It’s like a mental wall. My brain can see out the windows. I know potty training exists. And that I should have it. But nope. It’s like asking me what nuclear physics is. I couldn’t tell you any more than it’s name.

I’ve always peed in my diapers. At least, that’s how my brain sees it. And again. I KNOW, that wasn’t always the case. I KNOW I should KNOW what potty training is. It’s insane to think a woman my age wouldn’t. So that’s why it’s weird I’m still peeing in my diapers.

I’m not sure. Why? Why hasthis happened to me. Why did I just…. Pee myself so much right there. Just thinking about potties and diapers…. And all the bottles up in my…. Da brain in my head. I just wen’t potty in myh diaper and that totally wasn’t my fault!! See! That’s what I mean! Just because I think about diapers with my rattle baby.. I don’t have to space out all the time and pee myself. I’m not some idiot that just when I say and think of the word diapers I get the idea I just pee’d again, why does it make me pee pee mama I peed mama I diapie full change. Change. Change momma I needa dry diapierey

I.. I’m. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I just spaced.

n.

N>

n>

N.

*

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N.

*

I was at my desk today and oooooooh man. It’s getting. WHO MaKES THAT MANY BUTTONS?! I MEAN> HOOOLLLLYYH SHIT!> Hahahahahahahaha. Pardon that, silly silly word! I was silly for saying that. But. Hold on. But… Yes anyways. The table… the work table! Yes my work table that I use for work. I think it’s confusing.

Yeah it’s.

Um.

What?

I don’t, am I done?

N.

*

Diapered and I feel no control because I just peed myself. I just peed myself. That was real. Why am I typing like this? This makes NO FUCKING SENSE?! Fuck. That gass is fUCKIGN my head right now It’s hard to remember it. It’s like it doesn’t want me to know how that potttttyyyy works . Ouh-oohhh I think something really important just happened…. But now iz pee peeee! Oh what.

No. I’m smart. I was just playing house! I am just and aaaadult. I’m an adult.

See I am smart and can form a sentence.

N.

*

Gonna be interesting coming back to school this year.

I don’t know I was just thinking about it and…. Like Dave and I we’ve never seriously clicked at times? And I remember when we did. Very well. Like, the time he drove me into school when my mom couldn’t. Or when I wanted a popsicle stick SO bad one time at his house and he let me have a couple licks. That was. Really nice. But then, there’s like that time he wouldn’t let me into the bathroom. He knew that my mommy just put me back in pull-ups like a week ago. And he stayed there saying he stupid dumb words like “You’re a baby! Haha! You’re peeing yourself now!” And… and he’s right! But why should that matter how wet MY diaper is? So what?

Ugh. Fuck that kid. He doesn’t need to know that I’m soaked.

Whatever.

N.

*

I’m trying to remember what I was saying last time. I don’t think that was fair enough for me to have to remember a train of thought over and over again I’m getting dumb. I am very dumb right now I just can’t focus on the whispy clouds in floating my gentle head. I am so spaceeeyyy wow I thought I was actually in control here. But, maybe I’m not. I might be getting dumb. I hope not. But whatever too. I at least get to be in diapers out of it.

I like being pee in my diaper it feels really good when I pee myself.

N.

*

“You’re not potty trained. You don’t have the ability to hold it anymore, Lizzy..” Ugh. I’m DONE with poo poo babby I don’ think its baby to me I’m BAB Y. Sorry momma, I baby bye bye

N.

*

Lucid. I regret this. My life is over

N.

*

Heyyy so, I just, remember that last time I said I was able to get to the plastic throne of mountains away from me? The potty! Potty training! I…. it’s not about the fact I just pissed myself writing that. And even then, I’m just not completely sure that was myhy fault? Who’s to say? I’m going to check right now. About what I excpected. Perhaps more? Um… about right on? I might be a ba babbling bass. What’ I’m trying to say is I just pissed jmyself a lot into my diaper that was already sooo wet hahaha I don’t know why I’m peeing this much. I’m not normally likes this! I have potty training when I’m an adult which I’m not wright now cbuz ecabecause I’m sooooo dump potty diaper peeing peee peeeee ing I just peeed maybe. I’m not sure be it happens a lot if I’m being ho nhonest with how who I am right now. Remember when I said wI wasn’t potty trained? That was true. I am not potty trained I just pottyeed in py my pants and I am bproud because I never have to think about using the stupid dumpb poo poo stupid head dummy potty dumbby angry again!!!

I’m thinking about it more. I think it’s a dribblee, buttt asI’m feeling the pee pee coming out of me right now??? Is it ?? yes. I think it’s a dribble perhaps, it’s not too far of awarm patch. Which would suggest I didn’t pee that too much int’to my ujm diaper syes yes that was hat I wat alking about with you here today. Yheah I just et myself. I’m wet. I’m so fucking so dumyy wummy wet. Why am I pissing myself this this much? I think I might pbeee peeeing myselfff yes, that was another dribby dribble okay I gotta play my rattle game dgoooooodbye I’m wet. I just peed reading that. I’m peeing. I’m peeeeeing I’m peeing did. I pee? I wrote those words, but I honestly didn’t know if I was peeeeing yepp that just felt warm, ijsut wet. Wow I’m probably getting unpotty trained today. Noit’ just a phase mommy would day when I dddd bbbddldlk when I ddpllaaayyyyy daaa wbbbruwbbyb wby sorry I just felt really smelly dummy wumy telly tubbies when I watcsh the TbZ??? Bpeee peeeeee pee pe ep epepeee I just peeeee. I’m wet. But I don’t know if I’m really wt it feels like it comes then.. goes then… like there? Did I just pee or did I space? It’s the same to mee because I’m potty diaper ppe epeeee peeeee that was peee in my diaper because I peeee.e..eeeeeeeeee. still don’t know LOL I’m DUMB!!!!!! STUPD!!!

N.

*

MOMMY MADES ME DUJBLE DIPER TDAY. I DON’ KNOW WHAT THA LETTARS ARRRRRRE I III OOOOKKKKJKDKDKDKDKDKDKDKDDKDKDKDKDKDKDD’

I PEE PEE

NA.SDA

*

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‘

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End Log.