RS 41: The Wet and the Furious

Chapter 41

The Wet and the Furious

Two goblins sat in a booth, waiting. Where the booth was actually located…was unclear, but it had a good view of a sparkling ocean, and down below, of the vast flotilla of assorted vessels that floated on it.

Geryon shifted in his chair with a small cough. He didn’t like the chairs, they weren’t made for goblins. Wriggling, he situated himself on his personal pillow, adjusting his yellow polka dot bow tie. He leaned forward to look at the ships below, all of them rising and falling gently with waves. “Ready?”

The goblin next to him shook her head. She was dressed for the occasion in a wide poofy sundress, straw hat, and large dark sunglasses. Reaching for one of the tall cocktail glasses on the table between them she poked at a cherry on the side of the sugar-frosted glass, removed a small, bobbing pink umbrella and took a long sip. Smacking her lips satisfactorily, she set the glass back down and gave Geryon a hairy thumbs up.

“Are we on?” He tapped the microphone in front of him, once, twice. There was a static hum. Over to the side, a third goblin flashed him the greenlight and quickly scurried away with his clipboard. Taking a deep breath, Geryon cleared his throat. He spoke with a deep, cheery voice that carried with a clear reverb out to the flotilla and the unseen watchers.

“Welcome one and all! Coming to you live from Pirate’s Grotto, Level 2! We have an exciting lineup today! The sun is shining, the players are keen, and I am sure the Dungeon has surprises waiting for us under the waves.”

“She always does, Gerry!” His partner leaned into the microphone, beaming. “She always does! It's going to be a fantastic race! Today contestants are competing for the title of ‘The Wet and the Furious’. That’s right folks, the title comes with a whopping 1000 XP for the winning party, access to untold treasures, and a permanent plus 20 health buff when on water. This is a prize worth dying for! Again!”

She leaned forward, eyes sparkling behind her dark lenses.

“Just who will get sunk on their way to victory? How many will end up in the briny depths? Davy Jones better start making space in that locker! I know one thing and one thing only and that is the competition is about to get brutal!”

“Right you are, Dot, and that’s what we’re here for! No matter how well prepared our contestants are, no one is going to find this course plain sailing! There’s bound to be twists and turns, especially with this line-up. Everyone here looks well and ready to murder their way to victory! Look! The ships are approaching the starting line!”

There was silence for a moment or two. The two goblins watched intently as down below in the sparkling blue of the ocean scores of vessels jockeyed for position.

Gerry leaned forward.

“And they’re all lined up. All the parties! This is a most exciting day for us all, and the tension is so high you could cut it with a swordfish - and they’re off! Away they go!”

The goblin with the clipboard hurried back, flashing another greenlight into the booth.

“Gerry, would you look at that! What a sight to behold! Taking an early lead is Lemony Snickers and the crew of the Golden Fruit. What can you tell us about this intrepid party?”

“High on the leaderboards, first time player, first time human, Lemony Snickers has got a face that could curdle milk, this ex-lemon tree is a wild player! He’s gone against the usual grain and has assembled a party of all druids. He’s an archdruid himself with a penchant for decapitating his enemies. One to watch out for, Dot! Their skiff, the Golden Fruit, is making good time, and is, coincidentally, sponsored by Farmether's Fish and World Building Supplies. No Cakes. Only Fish. The finest fish in the dungeon, that's right folks, stop by Farmether's Kiosk to get yourself a nice crispy butter-fried fish, best lunch I've had all week. There is absolutely no chance you would find yourself accidentally magicked into an eldritch dimension at all! It’s just a nice wholesome meal!”

“I couldn’t agree more, Gerry, but nothing sizzles my fillet more than the players down on that skiff. I mean just look at that party go!”

“Absolutely! The muscles are astounding, pun intended. Which players are you watching, Dot?”

“Oh, I’ve got my eye on the triplets, Birch, Basil, and Briar. See how they work the oars? Marvellous. I’ve seen them slap opponents across the backside with that wood straight into the shark tank!”

“Such a doozy, Dot! And just for our audiences at home, our burly triplets are BirchFace, specialized in animal summoning, Basil-een, known for his slippery attacks, and BriarPatches, great with thorns and other sharp objects. Such a triple threat of power if I have ever seen one.”

“Gerry, don’t forget their last member, the Thyme Lord! He’s a crafty one with his little blue box of tricks. You can see him now, waving his screwdriver, just waiting for his chance to shank someone. Oh no! Looks like those sailors got too close. What a way to go, a screwdriver to the gullet mid-race!”

Another greenlight flashed.

“Now here comes the Geriatric Falcon! Look at that ship, Dot. It might look feeble and ready to keel over, but it packs a punch. These players might be ancient but they have experience! Their leader is none other than BobnForApples, that’s right folks, a serious rogue with some serious grit. He made it to Level 2, after some serious dunking in Level 1 but always keeps coming back up for more, so watch the waves for this sneaky old bastard! They might be in it to win it!”

“They might be on the bottom of the bookies’ leaderboard, Gerry, but that hasn’t stopped them from taking out some of their competition. They’re sponsored by Jo's Blouses and Hose: Fashionable Frippery for the Avid Tropical Adventurer so they’re armed to the teeth with some of the best gear around. I got my sunglasses there, equipped with x-ray vision, and for a great deal.”

“They do indeed look great, Dot! Say, didn’t you mention they were having a Summer Sale?”

“I did! Good thing it’s always Summer in Pirate’s Grotto, so head on out to Jo’s Blouses and Hose!”

“Now the rest of the team of the Geriatric Falcon are not to be trifled with either. Folks, their party has the infamous BilliamShookspeare, a paladin whose words cut deeper than his broadsword. Oh! Look at him go! Those bards never stood a chance! The water will be crimson tonight! Who else Dot?”

“They’ve got a fierce monk by the name Type2Diabetes, she was able to pick up the Staff of Sucrose in Level 1, which might be the reason for their party’s continual resurrection.”

“And don’t forget TankSinatra! When the action gets thick, you’ll see why this party chose a bard as their tank.”

Gerry leaned back from the microphone, wiping away a sheen of sweat. There was another greenlight and he nodded to Dido to take the lead.

“So far it looks like it could be anyone’s race. The ships are all making great time! And what’s this? Coming up the inside is Boarder Patrol! Their ship is fresh off the dockyard, a state-of-the-art cruiser with an all-female party led by Stabs McPlenty! She’s a wizard with a knife! She’s a returning player who is out to make her mark! Probably in someone’s kidneys! These gals are ones to keep an eye out for, Gerry! Oh no! What’s happened! Where has everyone gone! Ahahah! They have with them a rare warlock class by the name of Beef Stroke who deported,” Dido coughed, “who appears to have teleported all their competition back to the starting line! Boarder Patrol is in the lead!”

“I have to add that Boarder Patrol is sponsored by Potions Plus, a perfect place for all your mixing needs. Stop by their barge to pick up a sight enhancement brew so you don’t miss any of the action.” Geryon gave a nervous glance at the goblin with the clipboard and was given a thumbs up. “Now, Boarder Patrol also has RugMunch, a monk with spunk! She’s known for spitting fire as well as having a high persuasion, so plug your ears and take a dive if she’s nearby! And folks, on deck we can see ThatsNotMyName, she’s a rogue with a druid’s demeanour so watch out for her homemade hand grenades. That shouldn’t be too much of an issue right now, because no one can catch them! Last but not least, their paladin and tank WoollyNipples! Don’t let her get cold!”

“They are so far ahead there’s nothing but open water between Boarder Patrol and victory! The other parties are working furiously to catch up!”

A greenlight flashed.

“Gerry, could it be?”

“I think it is, Dot.”

“I’d recognise that ship anywhere! It’s The Heart of the Ocean! Its owner, the King of the Isles, the Guardian, He Who Dwells in the Deep, the Key of the Watery Gates, He Who Has Seen the Watery Chasm, the Pale Dread, is going to be salty about this indeed!”

There was an uneasy silence.

“Well, he’s always been a bit of a grump, Dot.”

They watched as the beautiful galleon, painted a deep, sapphire blue, three-masted, with all sails in bloom cut through the water below.

“Look at her go! Crewed by Joan of Snark, fan favourite the Fredinator, charismatic noob Alice69, and NPCs Prince Erik of the Isles and Maris Thesen, Daughter of Neptune. For some reason this party has decided to split their forces, perhaps hoping to increase their chance of victory, but then whoever knows what this kooky group is up to!”

“Yes, dying young is never an advantage, but they have made good use of those bonuses! Word in the office is that Joan of Snark has pirate experience. What can we expect? Will she use it to her advantage or has she given up her treacherous ways to follow the path of peace?”

“Well, Gerry, and listeners at home, some of you might remember Joan of Snark from a previous game. We all know repeat players are tricky customers, but she has since spent three hundred years as a tree.”

“As a redwood, I believe?”

“Yes, a redwood. Interesting choice for someone who played their first game with such cunning and violence. The question is, can she do it again? Or has she lost the ruthless streak that gave her an edge?”

“Doesn’t look like it, Dot!” Gerry laughed. “Those cannonballs mean business! Oh! What a shame for fans of the Boarder Patrol! Blown to pieces with barely a by-your-leave! I guess that answers your question.”

“It does indeed!”

“And with that The Heart of the Ocean is in the lead! Can anyone stop them? Coming in for the challenge is the Geriatric Falcon, and manoeuvring for position is the Golden Fruit!”

“A challenger approaches from the back of the group! Here comes the Salty Limerick led by the Archbishop of Banterbury and his party of Fredinator knock offs!”

“What a terrible thing to say, Dot!”

“Am I wrong?”

"No, of course not, what else would you call the hip-hop dancer Disco Rambo and the former-bush Genghis Anne? With them as well is Lame Impala, ex-used car salesman who still smells like methylated spirits and thinks any hole is a cup holder. Not to mention Salacious Sister, their not-so-sneaky warrior-nun whose holy cross jingles when she moves, and of course the dollar store barbarian BombAss, trust me you do not want to hear her death story. This team looks good on paper but never seems to quite make the cut.

“It’s a good thing they can’t hear you, Dot.”

“I do have a soft spot for GoldenBoyBarker, but then who doesn’t love a reincarnated Labrador? He is too pure for this world, and the next. But the real question is can they catch the Heart of the Ocean in that beaten up caravel? The Archbishop clearly has an axe to grind but then this race won’t be determined by limericks!”

“Luckily for him!” Both goblins laughed.

“And what’s this? In the sky? Is it a bird? A plane?  No! It’s ingenious inventor His Royal Highness, Prince Hans of the Isles, teaming up with surprise favourite Epic Failure! The two of them do seem to be getting cosy in that flying bathtub!”

“My, my, Gerry, is it possible that love is in the air?”

“Anything is possible, my dearest Dido, in this wild, wacky, plane of existence we affectionately call the dungeon, anything is possible!”

“The Royal family of the Isles is really getting involved in this round, aren’t they?”

“Yes, and that’s gonna spell bad news for someone! Let’s hope at least one party survives long enough to claim the treasure, and we don’t have a repeat of the player wipe-out of 704.”

Both goblins bowed their heads.

Their chins popped up again, moments later, eyes sparkling.

“The Heart of the Ocean is still in the lead with the Geriatric Falcon close behind, the Golden Fruit is working hard, with the Salty Limerick coming up from the outside, keeping up the pressure,” said Gerry. “Go, go go! But what’s this! A shadow in the water? Something is happening! Something is stirring in the deep! The water is rising! The sea! The ocean is boiling! Could it be? Phew, it's not the King himself but it is a Kraken! A Kraken! Oh no! Those poor ships! Tentacles the size of tree trunks! Smashing! Ow! It’s bedlam! Chaos! Will anyone survive? Dot, I can’t watch, tell me if there are any survivors.”

Gerry crouched down in the booth, hands covering his eyes. The goblin with the clipboard poked him in annoyance. From the water far below came the muffled sounds of shrieks and the groan of tearing timber.

Dot leaned over the balcony with bright eyes and carried on narrating.

“The Geriatric Falcon and the Golden Fruit are in smithereens! The race is over for them. The survivors are swimming, drifting, clinging to logs! What’s that I see? Mermaids? Are they coming to help? No! No! They are pulling the survivors underwater and drowning them! Have mercy on their souls! Oh, the humanity! It is game over for the crews of the Geriatric Falcon and the Golden Fruit. The crew of the Salty Limerick are clinging on but will they make it? It’s looking rough down there!

“Meanwhile, the Kraken is gunning for the Heart of the Ocean but the Heart of the Ocean is gunning for the Kraken! Joan of Snark has complete control of her ship, and they are turning broadside! They are turning! Will they make it in time? The Kraken is moving too! The cannons are firing! Wow! They have blown a tentacle off the Kraken, and HE IS MAD! The Kraken is bleeding! The ocean is stained crimson with the blood of players and the now the blue blood of the Kraken. Looking mighty purple out there! The cannons roar once more! A direct shot to the eye! That’s gotta hurt! He’s not gonna like that. Will they get caught in the death throes? There goes another mast! The screams, oh the screams, I can hear it from here. Gerry, you are missing some great entertainment!”

Gerry cracked open one eye.

“The kraken is leaving! He’s had enough! He’s gone! The water is calm once more, just the wreckage of the broken ships bobbing on the waves. Does this mean the race belongs to the Heart of the Ocean? She’s limping forward, despite her broken masts.

“Holy moly, you’re not gonna believe this, but in an unprecedented move, the Salty Limerick is back in the race! Out of nowhere! Cobbled back together with twine and spite, sailing over the wreckage of the Golden Fruit, is it possible they might be in it? The Salacious Sister and Lame Impala are paddling wildly, but what’s this? Oh no! They are being pelted from above by Epic Failure and His Highness, Prince Hans! They seem to be throwing china teacups, and whoops there goes some boiling water. Ouch. That looks like a nasty burn.

“And with that The Heart of the Ocean has kept their lead! She’s surging ahead! She’s ahead! Will she do it? Yes! YES! The Heart of the Ocean has crossed the finish line! It’s over! The race is over, folks! You heard it here today and it’s all over for another year. The Heart of the Ocean has done it!”

Both goblins sat down, panting hard. Gerry took a long drink from his glass and wiped a hand across his sweaty brow.

“Looks like the Fredinator’s party crossed the finish line with a record run, they’ve got the prize in the bag, that’s right folks, a whopping 1000 XP, a 20 plus health buff when on water, and access to untold treasure. Thanks for listening to our coverage of The Wet and the Furious,” he said into the microphone, “and thank you to our sponsors, don’t forget to stop by for their Summer sale!”

“And remember,” said Dot. “Entertainment Before Justice!”

The lights flickered out. The booth vanished.