Once Upon A Time in A Land Called Doubt Pt. 2

I starved myself down to a bone. I was a wreck mentally, emotionally, and physically. I weighed 138 pounds and stopped having a period. This man had made me into someone I really didn’t like.

Did I learn? No. No, I didn’t. In fact, I had Fallin *in love* with a guy who was beautiful, goofy, and nice to me. He was an athlete, a prom king, and came from a rich family. I hated him at first. I really did. But, then I started feeling that feeling I had felt before, and I knew right then and there…I was right back in a place that I didn’t want to be. I don’t know why I found him so alluring. Perhaps it was because someone from his walk of life found me interesting. I had never had that before, and it felt…good.

I wrote poem after poem, note after note, and everytime I confessed that I was in love…I was rejected. I was friendzoned. I was being hit up at 3am, and the broken girl inside was stupid enough to entertain something so wicked. And so, like all those times before, I plunged further down the hole.

I had eventually reached a point that I recall driving out to a park and wanting to slash my wrists, except…it was too easy. I tried chewing my wrists down to the veins. I wanted to suffer, as I had created suffering for myself. Deep down, I knew the only person that could stop all the pain was myself, but I didn’t know how. How could someone who was wrought from turmoil stop running to exactly that?

I stopped. I looked in the mirror, wiped my eyes, and drove back home.

The next day, I went to work and wanted to die. I was worn down to a nub and accepted defeat. I wrote a note on my work computer telling myself that one day, I would be better than this. I promised myself up and down that I’d look back on those moments and say, “I survived”. I wished Dustin goodbye through a note, I waved my white flag, gave up on finding happiness in the arms of uncaring men…and acquiesced to the unknown. I stopped making poor decisions, and then…then it all came crashing down.

And this, my friends, is when I was the most naked.

I had to re-live all the mistakes I made. I had to wake up alone, and with no other random text to occupy me. I accepted the fact that I was the reason why I was in this situation, and I made myself feel immense guilt for it. No more sex, no more “love”, no more attention, no more any of it. I was looking for myself in people that didn’t even know who they were.

Fast forward a couple months later, and I was beginning to see something other than pain. I started to write my first book. Though, parts of that book mirrored my past…it felt good to get it out. I was putting on weight again, and the period surely followed. I was focusing less on my looks and decided that I needed to follow my heart…and my heart told me “create”. I challenged myself to see the hood in who I was, and to forgive myself for not giving me the love I honestly deserved. It was a long time that I laid my head down at night and felt peace, instead of swirling thoughts of torment, guilt, and wanting to die every night.

Then, out of the blue, the guy I knew as a good friend for years…all of a sudden came and listened to my stories. We spoke about abuse, pain, trauma, and all the decisions we made and the people we turned into now. We made it a point to show up every night at the brewery and share fries…with him always paying. He made me laugh my ass off till I cried, and told me stories about boats, electronics, and things that I never really knew much about. We shared a beer one night, and I looked down and smiled. I was happy.

Jim looked over at me and said, “You know, you are so pretty.”

I looked up and cried. He wiped my tear away, and we kissed. We put our foreheads together and I knew right then and there that I found a piece of my heart I didn’t know I had.

Here I am, almost 3 years later, and I’m right where I need to be. I’m home with the love of my life, my pigs, you all, and a roof over my head.

Why did I tell you all this? Because you need to know. I don’t know everything or how life seems to work, but I know that I’ve been in a position where I didn’t think I’d survive. I look at that Saturday and where I’m at now. I hate being in bed laying here, I do, but things happen for a reason whether you believe it or not. And, I’m sure some of you are reading this and saying “So what?” Well, I don’t want pity; I dont want anything but to tell you one truth you probably don’t believe.

You’re stronger than you think, and you’re wiser than what they say. I fucked up the greater part of my 20s so bad that I realistically should be dead. I’m not; I survived, and I’m right where I need to be. I don’t think it’s life’s intention to make us suffer so much that we cannot hang on…rather, I think we forget how strong we really are. Humans are flawed, but we are a species that can handle an insurmountable amount of pain. I found those old notes today, and it was a reminder that I can and will come out of this on top.

I can’t promise that today, tomorrow, or even next week will be good. I can’t tell you that a magic man or belief will be the remedy to fixing things. But, I can tell you that you, YOU, have to cry it out, scream it out, fight it out, YANK it out, till you get so goddamn tired and want to change. And if you’re reading this now, I want you to know that it’s gonna be okay. Every person on this Patreon is here for a reason. What that reason is? I really don’t know. But, you’re here, and you must pay attention to the signs around you. They are there, you know? Moreover, I want you to know that I love you, and if you think you can’t survive…you can, will, and I’ll remind you of it later on down the road. Don’t. Give. Up.

Ever.