Midnight Pals: Tough on Cosmic Horror

Laird Barron: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the story of eldritch forces beyond mortal ken
Lovecraft: oh this is my favorite kind of story!
Barron: of course the protagonist is a big tough manly man's man
Lovecraft: what

Barron: this guy is a real rough and tumble fella
Barron: loves beer and broads and bowling
Barron: shoots guns
Barron: drives a real cool car real fast
Barron: was one of teddy Roosevelt's rough riders

Barron: this guy is a real macho dude
Barron: this guy eats lightning and shits testosterone
Lovecraft: i can't relate to any of this

Barron: and his name is Ramsey Graham Tananarive Moreno-Garcia
Barron: Oates Hendrix Vandermeer Blatty uh
Barron: Bloch

Barron: he's out doing manly things with his friend Bram Broadus Matheson "R.L." Keene Lansdale
Barron: and his other friend Koji Carlton Saul Machen SanGiovanni McCammon Koontz
Koontz: hey! my name's Koontz too!
Barron: that's not a coincidence, boy
Koontz: whooooaaa!

Lovecraft: um excuse me?
Lovecraft: Laird?
Lovecraft: i believe you misspoke?
Lovecraft: when you said buff man's man
Lovecraft: surely you meant to say reedy academic?
Barron: no
Barron: no i did not

Barron: look, i think we can all agree
Barron: the nerds have run cosmic horror for too long
Barron: so i say
Barron: [tearing shirt to reveal a second shirt with a NO SMOKING sign over a nerd]

Barron: no nerds!
Lovecraft: b-but
Lovecraft: you can't have cosmic horror without reedy academics who faint constantly!
Mary Shelley: now this guy
Shelley: this guy, i like!

Barron: and guess what else?
Barron: this guy wrestles gorillas... and wins!
King: and wins?!?
King: wow! this guy sounds super tough!
Poe: that is pretty tough

King: boy! i'll bet if anyone is able to stare into the cosmic void and NOT go insane, it would be this guy!
King: i would bet money on that!
Barron: well, i got some bad news for you steve

Barron: this guy might seems pretty tough
Barron: but even this super tough guy can't look into the cosmic void and come away unscathed
King: whoa!
Mary Shelley: ok back up there laird
Shelley: exactly HOW tough is this guy?
Shelley: cuz i think i could do it

Barron: actually, mary, it turns out that no amount of toughness can prepare you for the cosmic void
Barron: not even Ramsey Graham Tananarive Moreno-Garcia Oates Hendrix Vandermeer Blatty Bloch could do it
Shelley: Rip to that guy but i'm different

Shelley: now if some cosmic void tried to make me go insane
Shelley: [brandishing shiv] i'd just stab it
Shelley: right in its unknowable mystery!

Barron: sorry, mary, but no knife can save you from the cosmic void
Shelley: my knife's different
Barron:
Barron: what's different about it
Shelley: its owner
Shelley: that means ME
Barron:
Shelley: bam! right in the unknowable mystery!

Lovecraft: laird's right! it's not about stabbing!
Lovecraft: it's about mental fortitude!
Lovecraft: the mental fortitude only possessed by reedy academics of an Anglo-Saxon persuasion!
Shelley: ugh we're back to this nerd shit

Koontz: what about William hope Hodgson? he's REALLY tough!
Koontz: he's like the toughest guy we know!
Barron: William hope Hodgson?
Hodgson: [swallowing 4 dozen eggs] you say my name, pipsqueak?

Koontz: there's no one as burly or brawny!
William Hope Hodgson: as you see, I've got biceps to spare!
Koontz: not an inch of him's scraggly or scrawny!
Hodgson: and every last inch of me's covered in HAIR!